The Headgum Podcast - 141: Worst Episode Ever 3

Episode Date: February 10, 2023

Amir, Marika, and Allie join Geoff to discuss George Santos, Candyland, and squeals! The Pit Wall has been greenlit! Subscribe on your favorite podcast app so you don't miss new episodes dropping every Wednesday after a race. Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify Join the Headgum DiscordSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. What are your guys' greatest strengths? Couldn't hear the theme song. I assume it was playing. Yeah. What are your guys' greatest strengths? I'm good at reading people. That's not true. Really?

I think I am. I think Marika is, yeah. Yeah. And Allie for sure. Yeah. Yeah. and then you did so not i was gonna right i just think that in addition to marika and ali i'm pretty fine at assessing social situations i was the first one to note that yeah i do. That's not reading people, that's hearing a sound or not. Then fucking algebra.

I'm very good at 7th grade math. Can you solve for C? I think so. Damn, Daniel! Daniel? What energy are you bringing to this today jeffrey i'm scattered

i'm spread across too many items thin just like yeah what do you have for the rest of the day i don't want to talk about it. What'd you do yesterday? Glad you asked. We don't have to talk about me, all right? I'm just the host. Why don't we talk about y'all? What do you guys have going on? What's that?

I think we're just concerned. I'm fine. It's like the image of me is that I'm always falling apart at the seams. It's all fine. This is on the books. We're recording the episode. I have some shit planned. Let's just do that.

Let's get through that. Let's make it through the day in one piece. Okay. Okay. Okay. Allie, can I ask what the calendar is behind you? Oh my God, it's Herbie Fully Loaded. That's what I thought it was going to be.

Yes. I truly, just from the bottom half, I was like, I think this is from Herbie Fully Loaded. It's a 2006 calendar. It's the best thing I've ever bought on eBay. I love that. Also, the same director's the best thing i've ever bought on ebay i love that also the same director as the director of debs continue jeff so good what's the worst thing you've ever bought on ebay oh you know i the saddest thing i ever bought on ebay and it's sad because it

i bought titanic the board game and is there any way you can win that board game without like drowning if you're first class okay so it's just about how much money you have it's basically the game of life well i never got to play it it got delivered to the wrong address and it was like sincerely a bummer i was really excited about all the intricate pieces i would be too amir pay attention i remember i used to play board games with my buddy growing up but we were like nine so his older sister would have to read the rules and explain it to us like at age nine you don't know how the board games work that was actually kind of uh yeah insightful and on topic so but tread lightly about paying attention she was reading the instructions

almost to herself almost to herself yeah exactly right and then i'm like okay so what are the rules she's like i just read them to you i think it doesn't matter what you just read a bratty 13 year old girl that's the thing when you're 13 it doesn't matter can we just fucking what other people's attitudes are because you sort of have that angst but like i was hoping she able to understand the rules of a board game at age nine yeah i'd be like okay now it's hard you know it's hard to like yeah right you need an adult but like to her to me like this 13 year old girl was the adult but i was i was hoping she was reading it to herself and would now like synthesize the information and explain

it to me she's like no that was it have fun playing the game like well i didn't really understand the game because you were sort of muttering to yourself reading it to yourself right and the hard part is that like when you're nine a 13 year old like you said is an adult but like because like a 13 year old can babysit a nine-year-old right but ultimately like if they didn't care enough to explain the rules to you it is all moot right yeah yeah you're i don't know you suck at dating i think how do you figure what do you mean you're just sort of replaying what i told you without actually actually adding anything to the conversation you You're just repeating me and then saying the right thing. And also barely even internalizing what you're saying. Yeah, exactly. It's very shallow, and then it's right back at me.

And then the one question you had, the follow-up, was just right, question mark, which is not really a question. You're just asking me if I was telling the truth. Suck. So no second date amir i mean i'm down to hang out as friends going forward she this is the core four don't fucking blow it i'm out of the week is george santos

God of the week is George Santos. Okay. Because he's an Ivy League-er. Which iteration? Current. Like, today is George Santos. He's a master of duplicity, so I think he'd be a good spy. And he could get the physical training.

That's the easy part. All you have to do is what? Do a couple setups. He's a jack part. All you have to do is what? Do a couple of setups. He's a jack of all trades and a master of duplicity. He's a jacked of all trades and a master of duplicity. Give me Adrian Wojnarowski in a fedora. He's looking svelte. He's looking tan.

He's looking bright. He's got inside information. What is the NBA tread deadline? But spying on one another. He's already an international super spy of sorts. Marika? Adrian Brody. Oh, two Adrians. Yeah, just because I never said Adrian.

What about this for James Bond? Adrian! Adrian! Sylvester Stallone or just you doing an impression of Rocky? Ask James Bond. Okay, I'm going to do Adrian Maloof from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season one. Triple Adrian. What?

Shut up. Who are you talking to? You. I want more from Allie and Marika they've barely said anything you've barely let us I've barely are you kidding I've barely said anything that's part of why this episode sucks Amir's been taking up the most space and he's not letting any of us get a word

in edgewise you guys talk I don't want to talk today you guys fucking talk the space is there take it I can offer the space but if you don't take it, then no one says anything. And then it's a bad episode. I'm tired of everybody saying that I'm the reason why this is a hard show to guest on. It's actually pretty fucking easy if you have the gall. Ryan?

Who? Never mind. See, look like right there. Why didn't anybody say anything? I think we're just digesting. I talk too much. So I don't feel comfortable in this space. That makes sense.

As a host, you made me feel ill at ease to be here. I cornered you to feel like you weren't welcome in this space. Yeah. You also didn't sort of present any topics. Present anything, yeah. There was nothing to talk about, yeah. And then it's like people get worried because depending on what they bring up,

I might jump down their throat. Correct. Right. Per Popular Mechanics, scientists just discovered a literal hell located at Los Angeles, California. Can't say my address, obviously.

No, but they did detect a new molten layer of earth about 100 miles beneath the surface. Allie, what do you think? Sounds like you got to get a guy to come and check out check it out nice that made me think of that's really good jeff did you like that or are you mad for some reason i didn't that just wasn't that wasn't something i wanted to hear okay that wasn't something I wanted to hear okay

do you guys remember when someone in New York fell into a pit full of rats it was like they fell into one of those like I don't know the like basement opening things that's on the street

and it was full of rats. Oh my god. To me, that's the new layer of hell. Remember when they put Bam Margera in a truck full of snakes? Who? I honestly don't care, do you? No. Nice.

What? That was a melania reference right i don't know i liked that joke i remember that coat that's a good yeah it was kind of empty it looked light on the day it was last sip last sips everyone i've got about half left what is that uh budweiser heavy polar cranberry lime how's the office today good uh. Got in, Mike and I did some light construction work on our desks immediately. Oh yeah, you took down a little divider? It was way harder than it should have been, but we both had to crawl on the floor. It was a whole thing.

Now we're here. That's good. It was nice to see the space a couple weeks ago. Shot some videos, had some meetings. A lot of podcasting going on in there. Lots going on. It was fun having a lot of people in the office. This is like a fun topic of conversation.

We sort of, oh, we can't hear you, Jeff. We brought everybody. You said it's your own company. It took you a year to get to the New York office. This is like a fun topic of conversation. We sort of, oh, we can't hear you, Jeff. We brought everybody. You said it's your own company. It took you a year to get to the New York office after moving in. So let's just, that says a lot, right, about your leadership style. You're not willing to go cross country because what, you think New York is like hard to exist in because you've been spoiled by, by the way, living at Can't say that.

Sorry. Yeah. I'm just saying I would have a different leadership style. Yeah, and I'm just saying you would never be a leader. Because you can't even host a podcast. An expensive invasive new cosmetic surgery can help you grow on three to six inches taller however it requires breaking both femurs haven't we talked about this before i saw ripley's believe it or not segment about this years ago it's so it's crazy it's a it's also i recently found out a medical um

procedure to help people even out their legs. Like I guess Rivers Cuomo, the lead singer of Weezer had this done because he had one leg that was like one to two inches shorter than the other. So they had to break his bone, insert a pole, and then like it would stretch a little bit. Then the bone would grow,

stretch a little bit, but it's like incredibly time consuming and painful. So to do it just to add height is kind of crazy yeah but don't you think that that was him trying to like do like the deviated deviated septum excuse like i'm pretty sure he's like out of nowhere six five like he did that for the height but then he blamed it on like mismatched legs uh no he was getting pretty bad arthritis in his hip because of his uneven legs. And he even regrets doing it. He's 5'9".

Psoriatic arthritis? Yeah. I didn't know that. Discuss. America's don't want... Discuss! Americans don't want... Discuss. Americans don't want to work anymore. Just want to flag my address.

It came up twice. Yeah. So you want me to, when I'm editing it, know to bleep it out both times. Yeah. Are you the editor still, or have we handed that responsibility off to somebody? No, it's me

video uh grace edits the audio that's true so what's the uh shut up what's the workflow there the workflow is so unclear well not really it's that i do the assembly cut and then i send her the tracks and she mixes them and then she's the mixer what's that so you edit the audio and she lines up the video to that or you you cut the audio and the video at the same time i picture lock everything right and then she mixes it so she makes it sound good you asked a question i was answering it you cut me off right everything's locked to the picture everything is assembled the way it is so it's not going to change once i send it to her she's responsible for the bleeping i didn't even get to the meat of it i'm responsible for the bleeping i'm responsible for the sound effects

i'm responsible for everything you hear she's responsible for how you hear it you know what i mean it's so it's thursday february 9th is this episode going up tomorrow or is it sure the first two times we tried to do this, you interrupted me. Just then, when I prompted you to respond, you took a little bit too long to respond. You know what I mean? What you don't understand is the flow of the conversation. So when I'm doing the assembly later, I'm going to have to fix that.

So the timing is better. How long will it take you to edit? Are you just going to go straight into cutting? Eight or nine hours. Going to go straight into it after this. Eight or nine hours is mostly Jeff putting his current computer in the freezer so that he can upload a YouTube video. Yeah, how's the fan? It's so much worse than it was even a week ago.

Like, literally, last night I was editing a video. It was like a 30 second clip computers crashing it's getting so hot that it's scalding my lap top have you asked marty for a new computer no um are you gonna get a new i'm gonna get a new computer? I'm going to get a new computer, though. Guys, Americans don't want to work. Like, I don't know what that's coming from. If it's a product of, like, unemployment, like, from the pandemic, like, people getting $2,000 a month. Like, we either need, I'm sorry, sorry like to bring that back or start executing fuckers To bring what back bring either we get $2,000 from the government or you want to

mass execute Just people Yeah, whether they're working or not just kind of like to make examples it's like how when you fuck up on a sports team and then everyone has to work out because of you you feel way worse than a punishment sure yeah yeah my second grade teacher made us all run over a mile. Tiny little children run over a mile because one kid misbehaved in class. I was pulled out of that class mid-year. Well, that's because you got up to the higher academic track, let's be honest. I mean, you went to an Ivy League.

Not really. Well, it was covered in Ivy. Yeah, that's true. You went to an Ivy League, no. But the school was covered in ivy. Correct. He's not wrong. Loser.

Loser. A millionaire dentist took his wife on safari only one of them returned alive which one do you guys think came back the wife really yeah why because he was sort of like trying to fix a lion's molars uh i'm assuming it was all a very smart ploy from her to get his money. Yeah, get the cash. Allie, what do you think? I want I want it to be her, but I feel like it was him. I feel like he probably let her have the window seat of the safari car and something got too close.

It's a good point. Do you think it was like the movie Beast with Idris Elba? No. Like Crazy Lion on the loose could have been. I saw a movie where Idris elba was a genie and i swear like in a few years time i won't even remember if that was real swearing can help you get ahead in fever dream i had yeah the tilda swinton yeah what a weird what a weird what a weird movie that was that was a crazy film decent time it was good why did they make that? Yeah, no idea. It'll be weird to think about in a decade.

Was there a movie where Tilda Swinton fell in love with Idris Elba, a genie? That's funny. What's that? Nothing. Was it something 100 Years of Longing? Yeah. I really hope that director of something was famous because there's no other reason to make that film.

Sometimes you have a passion project, you know? Per The Atlantic, swearing can help you get ahead in life. Let's start there. Swearing? Four-letter words, yeah. How? I didn't read the article. Yeah. How? I didn't read the article.

Yeah. Marika, let's hear some of your favorite four letter words. I mean, I'm honestly a huge fan of using the word cunt as a curse word. I think it's really funny. Like calling somebody that or just saying it like when you stub your toe? Either one. Probably more the latter. Yeah, the latter is really funny. Let's see

that. Amir? See what? Amir, could you reenact that? Yeah. Me stubbing a toe and yelling cunt? Yeah. Ah, cunt.

Nice. Or like cunty. But even for that situation too, that's kind of funny. Well, you know, who in the office do you guys think is like... Never mind. Oh my god. Computer heating up? Yes.

When do you get that new one? Next week. Like you already ordered it? Yeah. Is it one of the new ones that just came out i don't know you just bought it also why is it taking so long to arrive you can order them for oh

uh because you can order them and then they take a while to ship. We have to take a break. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1. Just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every day, no exceptions. And it helps me feel, you know, energized, focused, ready to take on the day like I'm doing one powerfully healthy habit that's also powerfully simple. I know that

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take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. so sloppy nothing was clean I remember he was moving and talking at the same time about something else entirely I look forward to hearing how that will

cut together welcome to squeal or No Squeal. Are you playing music? Yeah, I can't hear a theme song. I was just waiting for you guys to say something in reaction to that. Thank you for having me. That's good. That's really good.

The name of the game is Squeal or No Squeal, so I'm gonna play a sound and you're gonna tell me if it's a squeal or not. Does that make sense? Yeah. No. That sounded like a drill.

No squeal. That's a screech. That's a squeal. No. Yeah. No. Yes, it is. That was a squeal for sure.

I'd love the dictionary definition of a squeal. That's not a squeal. Correct. No squeal. That was not a squeal. Correct! That was not a squeal. Fucking whores! You fucking whores! That was you.

Correct! Where did you record that? That was ultimately it. Oh, sorry. Squeal or no squeal? Come on. We got a lot of these to get to. No, correct. This is...

No. It's a scream. No squeal? No squeal. I think squeals have to be high pitched. That's a squeal. It could go either way. I'll go with squeal.

That was no squeal. There's only been one squeal? So far. No squeal. Correct. That's not one squeal? No squeal. Correct! That's not a squeal. What is that? I'm gonna go with squeal. No! It's the worst game!

No squeal. I'm so sorry. This is truly, genuinely one of the worst games you've ever come up with. No! No squeal. That's absolutely correct. Squeal? That's a squeal.

That's a dictionary definition of a squeal. How is that not a squeal? Correct! What? Kenny! Definition of a squeal. How is that not a squeal? What Was the last one a squeal or not I said good but we had multiple guesses oh it was a squeal That's applause that's like a bird that's a squeal a squawk that's really good no squeal oh my god I think this is the episode that convinces people to stop listening to this show. This is the worst episode we've ever done. I disagree.

Yeah, I disagreed up until this game. You thought it was going well before this? I thought it was going fine. Took too much time. Squeal. That's gonna be no squeal.

Oh, here we go. That's like a pig. So, probably squeal. Correct! No squeal. That was a squeal that was a squeal squeal no it was a car tires burning yeah

no it could be that could be categorized as a squeal. Tires burning. That's not a squeal. How many more of these are there? Correct. What's that? How many more of these are there?

There's like 10 more minutes of this. Squeal. No squeal no squeal that was awful yeah it was I hated that no squeal correct

I also hated that. No squeal. That was a squeal. Ah! none of these have been me by the way even the wars one was not me. That one is a squeal. That's not a squeal for sure. It's not a squeal. We can jump. No squeal.

I think no squeal yeah plugs wow 29 minutes a svelte a svelte. Oh my god. A svelte mini episode. Oh, look at Chicken. Chicken is in disbelief.

Chicken is a villain. No, you said you had things planned. That was it. Squeal or no squeal. Yes, I thought that would take a while that we would talk within the segment. Instead, all we did was squeal, scream, squeal, scream. You said we took too long multiple times. Yeah.

We got to get to the end of this. Think of something else. Okay. think of something else okay um this is how the sausage is made going back to board games um did you know that candyland was invented for kids who were like who had polio and uh to be able it's so easy to that they can teach themselves it um like little little kids who can't read yet so that could have come in handy when amir was a child yeah and the polio ward i mean most board games are pretty self-explanatory, especially like back then. They just slap like Simpsons branding on a regular board game and it was always just like roll the dice and pick up a card. There wasn't much more to it.

I had Simpsons Monopoly. That was cool. Right. That is cool. Monopoly was fairly simple too. Jeff, how's that for waxing? It's pretty good, actually. Pertinent, interesting,

fun fact I didn't know about. What I'm sitting here feeling is that Candyland has always sort of bested my ass. That sucks to learn. What's that? He never used to win. Never used to understand the instructions. Never used to win never used to understand the instructions

never used to know how to play so to hear that it was invented for kids with polio to be able to understand without any adult supervision or explanation per Amir I didn't say that Candyland scared

Candyland scared me as a child. How do you feel? Because of the gloopy guy? Yeah, I like it. Also, Marika had diabetes, so she was afraid of anything sweet. Just a little goof. Do you guys ever get into Catan?

That was a big thing like a decade ago. I hate Settlers of Catan well I think it made me hate board games Wow anytime my friends like suggest playing a board game I'm like I'm good actually what about like a game night haven't had one in a while that didn't involve like video games okay that's fair i mean i was gonna lob up um what the fuck was it called the one we played with jeff uh ruben when he called you merica the lies game yeah oh that was the lies game wasn't it i was thinking jackbox.tv jackbox is also fun quiplash had its nice moment in the early early pandemic are we

nostalgic for the early pandemic yet or is that sort of i am we're not really those first three months i was like sad as shit but i was having a great time because you were bored like you didn't have anything to do it's the opposite of now you just woke up and you're like what now i'm just a free agent until question mark question mark it also is um we all had a bunch of maybe not everybody but a lot of people had extra walking around money because there was no walking around you know what i mean like there was no go anywhere let me finish sorry there was you couldn't go anywhere basically so like there was there was no going out to eat there was no going out to get drinks like that stuff adds up all you had was to get

groceries delivered i feel like i spent way too much money on food because i was getting stuff delivered yeah i've had to really try hard to pair that back from early pandemic which i'm not nostalgic for i'm what was the most normal life i mean did you see pandemic thing you did like for example like undo groceries while wearing gloves and like really go. for three months. You didn't go outside, not even for like a walk. Yeah. I used Clorox wipes to wipe down lays. Individual potato chips.

Don't release this episode, man. What were you asking me? What? Oh, did you see like an uptick in patreon subscribers at that time oh i don't know that's a good question because everyone's at home and looking for stuff to do yeah like riley and i started a lot of digital things yeah had a boom during that remember like live shows that you're like we're all zoom shows at first yeah we did a review review live show but also riley and i's patreon had like 2.5 x the amount of subscribers that it has now at the time interesting because people didn't have anything there was no competition in the real world i think the steepest drop off was yeah like march 2021

when people started getting vaccinated like as soon as people started getting vaccinated i think they stopped paying for it because what we were we were doing like zoom parties which we still do patreon.com forward slash riley and jeff um and now it's like as soon as you can go to a real party i think people stopped wanting to do that that makes sense i forgot about zoom parties that was so weird i got invited to like zoom discos and i we were just like well we still do them so tread lightly you're like cracking up at the idea of them they're kind of awesome it was just it was just a moment of the times i don't know it was just and i remember being like yep that's my that's my plan and it's a legit plan it'd be funny to email people saying you're having a zoom birthday this year it'd be

funny if you went to the hospital soon plugs um jesus my twitter i guess twitter.com slash Blumenfeld or cash me on sell. How about that? Unsell? You want people to pay you? Wouldn't hurt. That's cool. I didn't know I could ask for that.

Yeah, you could ask for anything during plugs it's sort of a the wild west of podcasting like what's your venmo alicon a-l-l-i-e space dash k-h-a-n sweet cardiac arrest ideally say that again the hospital thing ideally it's related to some kind of cardiac event yeah I don't see that happening maybe your veins just freeze my veins freeze

there's going to be an if I were you live stream next week yeah Jeff are you on that I am I'm really excited for that yeah you're not too busy or i'm not too busy i'm not even too busy for this it's just the timing of all this shit it's also hard to get three people onto a zoom at the same time without it being like i don't know fucking angie like nobody wants gar Garcia on the show. I'm sorry. Well, it's because it's a last-minute request.

Yeah, people really like Angie's episode. That was good. Anyway, yeah, youtube.com slash headgum. If I were you, live stream Friday, February 17th at 12 p.m. Pacific time time it's going to be great it'll be a lot of fun I think that's our first live stream it's very exciting me too at least

it's also not we've done one before for an episode for you guys did one during the pandemic you did an FRU live stream good on us yeah i produced it ben was there pat castle showed up i think jill and avital had a segment it's fun that was a live show wasn't it it was live streamed. For sure. For sure. I guess I imagine that as like a different thing.

Like we sold tickets to that as a live show. This is just like, Hey, we're recording an episode and it's also being live streamed, which should be fun. I see what you mean. Jeff, aren't you going to be there?

Yes. I'm excited for that. Is Jeff's internet slow or is my internet slow and everybody's? I think it's Jeff we gotta get out of here anybody else need anything to plug yeah Allie Marika plugs nothing

follow me on letterboxd yeah follow me on letterboxd and twitter and instagram and venmo pay me money ali khan at jeffrey james on instagram at jeff priority on twitter

uh we'll see you guys again next week hopefully uh bear with us please just come back next week it'll be better. Bear with us. That was a Hiddem Original.