The Headgum Podcast - 144: The Choice

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

Amir, Marika, and Anya join Geoff to discuss the Ja Morant controversy, private land-ownership, and poetry. Plus, they play two rounds of The Choice! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify Join the Headgum DiscordSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Great. So this is the content you want to have. The HeadGum Podcast Indirect Tour. Yes. The Festival Indirect Tour. Nice.

To have. Nice. And that's part of it. Yeah, nice. What'd you do this weekend? It's taken seven minutes to get through this bullshit. It's your fault no way it is you played a train

a series of trains yeah you told us we needed to reset this is crazy okay we've gone through half of our weekends so so say yours what do you mean you say that and then you don't say anything else

are you kidding What do you mean? You say that and then you don't say anything else. Are you kidding me? I'm waiting for Johnny to go. And he started talking when you got mad. Do you guys like that sort of DJ mix that I just did? I did. Yeah. We've leveled up. Sort of a tour de farce.

Nice. What was that, Amir? You're sort of a tour to farts. Ready? Okay. Are we rolling? We already started recording. Yes, of course. Alright, I'm here. Marika, how is it being

in the Big Apple? Marika how is it being in the Yeah The Big Apple You know We're thriving and surviving over here One is the bare minimum The other one is The actual maximum

So which one are you leaning It's a rollercoaster It's up and down even within an hour Yeah absolutely Anything could change So which one are you leaning? It's a roller coaster. It's up and down even within an hour? Yeah, absolutely. Anything could change. I feel like everyone here is low energy Jeb, except for me and Anya. So let's...

Oh my God, thank you. Get some of the energy up. I don't know if Amir... Did you already record buckets? Yeah, did I say that? Billy tweeted about it. So my fear is that you used up all your capital social capital entertainment capital of the world uh on that show and didn't save enough for this one don't say yes to the session if you're gonna show up with this natitude which is a lack of

attitude positive or negative even sorry, just one second. Even a negative outlook showing up with some energy would be good. Natitude is lack of attitude. Natitude light. Yeah. Amir's been out of town.

It's kind of a big deal that he said yes to this at all. Thank you. It's actually a really good get what's that? this is a really big get for you you're on the show all the time yes for Anya thank you Marika a big get is when Jake decides to do the show

yeah I enjoyed that you booked yourself oh my god what? I just didn't want to email anyone else last week A big get is when Jake decides to do the show. Yeah, I enjoyed that you booked yourself. Oh my god. What? I just didn't want to email anyone else last week. I get that. It's fucking hot outside. It's hot inside. 59 degrees.

It's crisp and cool out. It's not hot at all. It's hot inside, I meant to say, because I'm under a bunch of covers. Yeah. And I'm wearing socks and sweats. I think that'll do it. Anya, are you in, is it safe to say,

I've actually moved. Mount Washington is so small that you would be doxing me fully if I was still living there. Somebody could go on Google Earth and match the 3D Earth view to those windows yeah there's some some hacker would look at this the way that the light comes in here and figure out where I am

yeah and my question is if you don't mind figure out where I am. Yeah. And my question is what's the new neighborhood? If you don't mind do you if you have something else to do we can do this later. Yeah. I don't know if I'm just available but I'm around.

I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry Jeff Jeff We formed an alliance at the top of the show And I just betrayed you I live in Wow That's a cool area That's a fun eastern move Dude um for you guys that's a fun eastern move dude

the hell was that i don't i don't know i don't know what energy is coming at me right now marika looks tired which is valid amir looks tired not as valid um i don't look i don't look or am. I don't know what energy is coming towards me right now. Towards you? I'm mustering up all the courage I have for this. It's hard. How are you? Yeah. How are you feeling?

Fine. I'm feeling fine. I'm feeling bad. I'm having a bad day is that what you want to hear I'm having a scattered day I'm currently running this off a wifi hotspot for my phone that explains a lot

can you actually yeah it's lagging which I think is also leading and contributing to the lagging conversation yeah is also leading and contributing to the lagging conversation. Yeah. The Wi-Fi cut out eight minutes before this started, so I couldn't

make a company move elsewhere across town to a different place that I have Wi-Fi avail. Does that make sense? You've never last-minute rescheduled this. Sorry, I'm doing this again. We're on the same team. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I forgot about that. Absolutely same team. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I forgot about that. Absolutely savage

poll. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is Andrea. Savage. Yeah. I am sorry. I think we can pull through, though. I think it'll be... In terms of the lag, or...

The lag, the energy, energy the vibes your scattered day um let's turn it around in the park I guess Jeff was the 4th of July scattered day

in the park I guess Jeff was the are you guys hearing the computer audio? The whole time you haven't heard it. No, we have. So what did you say? So loud. What?

You were talking while it was playing. Bond of the Week. Yeah. Yeah. Capybara. Are you guys seeing this on TikTok? They're like, Capybara are you guys seeing this on TikTok they're like Capybara that one don't know who that is

so I don't think I'm seeing what you're seeing but I've been reporting to the video team at HeadGum that I'm experiencing a phenomenon of every time I open YouTube I'm logged into the Head every time I open YouTube, I'm logged into the head gum channel.

I get a video about capybaras to the same song. Yes. That's like a famous song or something. But they're all like eight months old. So I don't know why. And they have millions of views. I don't know why I'm getting them now.

It's a TikTok thing currently, I think. But there's this song, it's like Capybara or something. And so this would be Capybondra. I don't think that's the same song. The one that I'm getting is, Okay, I pull up Capybara. Amir's silent. This has nothing to do with him He's reading an article about

John Morant flashing a gun That's probably what's happening He had a blicky In the club It was absolutely not a lighter A blicky. Who are your guys' Bonds of the Week? Actually, mine is John Morant.

Really? Bond Morant? Very good. Is it because he already knows how to handle a gun? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. My thing is, he definitely didn't hold it The way James would

He held it like Your roommate's Girlfriend's underwear That you're trying to With respect take out of the dryer With respect? What's that? With respect?

To Yeah Okay Do you take issue with that? With respect? To, yeah Okay Do you take issue with that? Yeah, I just didn't know what I didn't know what Take your girlfriend's underwear Out of the dryer with respect

Roommate's girlfriend I see Does that make a little bit more sense now? Barely But sure I think you could say the same of like Taking a stranger's laundry Out of the dryer at the laundromat No because I feel like when you take a stranger

It's like you still take the whole pile You know what I mean? This would be one by one with tweezers You're like picking out the underwear From the laundry pile Tweezers. You're like picking out the underwear from the laundry pile. With tweezers. And with respect. Mariko, who's your Bond of the Week?

Oh boy. What's going on this week? I don't know. Anya, what do you got? Let's skip this one. Holy shit. No. Marika. No, we'll come back to her.

It's just she's not ready. Yeah, we can come back to me. Okay. I think my Bond of the Week, speaking of doxing me, is my landlord's... Maybe I shouldn't have said his name. Grace.

I'll bleep all of it. Bleep that. But he needs to replace a couple things in our house. So I sent him a list of what I needed replaced on Sunday at 9.30 p.m. Yeah. And he texted back immediately. He said, great. I'm getting up crazy early to get some surgery.

Going to be out of it for a couple days. Please send this again on Wednesday and I will do it on Thursday. I'm fucking sorry. I said, absolutely no problem. I've never had a landlord treat me with such respect, actually, to use it.

And I didn't know what to... I was like, don't even worry about it. I can... Just to even text back and say I'm getting up crazy early to get some surgery like I'm waking up early to get some surgery as if you're going to a farmer's market to get a specific guava it was the crazy you suck man a few months ago I we had some silverfish. And I texted him.

For dinner? I tried to text the landlord as infrequently as possible. So I was like, I'm going to get a pest control in. Is that okay? I'm going to take it out of rent. And he wrote back immediately, no problem. Thanks. What is silverfish yeah and how did you feel about that it's just the craziest dynamic of like the nicest thing a landlord has ever done

generally they're bad people of course but did they ever the the nice thing being still kind of the bare minimum though, right? It's the absolute bare minimum, but it is the nicest thing a landlord has ever done, which is saying, no problem, you got it. But then for him to not know what silverfish was as a landlord of many, many years was crazy. For him to say yes without knowing what it was.

I mean, what if it was fish, like Amir is implying? Yeah. Sure. You're taking sugar fish out of urine hope that's cool anyways I guess bleep all of that sorry but that is what he is my he's my bond of the week for doing landlord work from the hospital bed I love that yeah that's that's good my bond of the week Week is going to be Gillo Zeri because I just scrolled past a tweet

where he said, Brava go do. I thought that was funny. I thought you were going to say my Bond of the Week is Gillo Zeri because why not? Why do you think? Oh, yeah.

His old Snapchat. Yeah, I also think it would be good to have a bond that was like slightly big on snapchat five years ago um i say that with the most amount of respect for gillisary snapchat um big look up late night kiwi shave. Makes me laugh every single time I watch it. Late night Kiwi shave. It's so good. Truly like play it right now. Marika, I have a question for you in the meantime as our marketing director. Yeah.

Is Snapchat part of our strategy? No. People aren't on that anymore. I think they are. I gave up a long time ago. And HeadGum no longer. Yeah. I mean, in theory, we have one.

Yeah, we did. We used it maybe at like our second HeadGum Live in Austin. We had some Snapchat filters. That's right. That was fun. Maybe we bring it back. Maybe there's something there. It was so popular.

Yeah. I don't want to. A solid open rate. Well, a couple built a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains for $150,000 without borrowing a cent. So that's all liquidity. They're also just rich. That's what my take was like

people put less money down and borrow money meaning they have less money to spend but they still get a house why did you buy a whatever yeah

I agree with you yes thank you I know yeah I missed the beginning but I'm sure that I agree with you somebody built a cabin

is that the article that we're I've never I've with you. Somebody built a cabin? Is that the article? I've never had to do this on the show, but Amir, could you shut up? You say that all the time. Guys, guess which state drinks the most beer? Wisconsin. I was going to say Wisconsin. I was going to say Wisconsin too.

Because of the brewers. It's not. Don't discount Florida. Most people, party animals. Colorado? Not the most people, first of all. Yeah. For a party?

For a party? Most people per party. Most party animals? That's a good metric. The question was who drinks the most beer and now it's so quickly gotten to you. the most beer and now is it per capita we have to consider like most colleges most it's gonna be per capita and that's massachusetts or new hampshire the answer is montana per capita so like they have the least amount of people

but they all drink beer you You're not getting it. Um, so per capita, it's about how many gallons per capita per year, right? So the score is 1.66 for Montana followed closely behind, but actually wait, holy shit.

I was incorrect based on the graph. It's actually a new ham. Sure. Actually, a New Hampshire! No way. Live free or die. That's their thing. That's true. Or die hard. You don't have to wear a helmet on a motorcycle there.

Seems wrong to me. That's kind of cool. And they don't have tax on liquor? That's true. I don't know if that applies to beer as well, but... Cities such as Topeka and South Burlington, Vermont will pay upwards of 10 grand

for you to move there this year. My question to you is what price would you have to be paid to move to a shitty city? Wait, where are these people getting paid? What states or cities? Topeka, Kansas, etc. They're still doing that?

Yes. Topeka or where else? South Burlington, Vermont. I would move to South Burlington, Vermont if they paid me $100,000. That's not shitty. It's nice up there. Exactly right. It is cold.

It is cold. Shut up. If they bought me me a house i'd move kind of anywhere this is open open invitation to anyone that wants to buy me yeah i i need land i don't want cash i want land marika you have to relax about this land owning I need acres Well with cash you can buy land Not 10,000 Yeah 10,000 is nothing Maybe it's remote enough Pedro Pascal revealed his Starbucks order And fans are in a frenzy The highly caffeinated order has fans wondering, is this man okay?

What's the order? I knew you would ask that. It's an iced quad espresso in a venti cup with six shots. That is a lot. Yeah. So it's no longer a quad. It's not a quad if it's six shots, by the way. Right's no longer it's not a quad if it's six shots

by the way right sorry a quad is ten that's ten shots of espresso in a venti cup um

I'm sending some properties that you can get for ten thousand under ten k I was wondering why you were ignoring me and this is exciting

this isn't anything I don't want property I don't have money to build the house either I'm here well you know Home Depot is doing this thing where you can buy like a tiny home for less than $50,000 so all you need is the land

or you could be like right I mean for sure but you could also be like the guy 50,000? So all you need is the land with the capable... Right. Okay, so you want a mansion. Or you could be like... Right. I mean, for sure. But you could also be like the guy that built a house on top of a skip. What are they called? Like a garbage bin in England. What are you saying?

There's a guy living out of a garbage can in England. What are you saying? There's a guy living out of a garbage can in England. It's a really nice sign. This is Marika talking to a policeman. Quick, there's a man. He's living out of a garbage can in England. It's literally a limerick Marika heard. Yeah, that's fine, I think is what they would say. That's fine.

There once was a man from Berkshire. Who lived in a garbage can, for sure. I was going to say man, his money was slim. His pockets were slim, the garbage was thin. It's a landmark at this point. So bad. his pockets were slim the garbage was a landmark at this point so bad uh it's real though look it up he seems like he's thriving marika is an anglophile i believe anything any kind of news she has from across the pond i I believe. Yeah, let's go back to this Pedro Pascal thing for a second, though.

You know, I'm worried about him from that, I think. He seems like he's got his shit together. Yeah, he's fine. I saw a play that he directed in 2012 that involved the characters digging a hole on stage. Are you guys not seeing this? Or hearing this? We're not hearing it.

We're not hearing it. We're seeing it in frames. Yeah. It's really choppy, but we get the gist. Oh, this is another genie moose? I'll go back to my story though. So, Peter Pascal directed a play. Let's just keep watching the visuals, then, while you tell your story. Peter Pascal directed a play where the characters were digging a hole in the ground in dirt.

Spoiler alert, they were trying to bury a dead baby. But I sat front row, and I got so much dirt on me because they were literally shoveling. Jeff, I wish you could see the way that we're watching this parrot video. Yeah. It's like a storyboard. Like it's not... Yeah, one frame every two seconds.

Yeah. It's crazy. For CNN, I'm Genie Moose. This parrot wasn't all it was wisecracked up to be. That was good, though. That was good. He had the umpire repeating his calls. You've heard of balls and strikes?

Well, these are cause with stripes I'm genie moose I'm gonna fucking blow my brains out or something like that usually it's like how dare you disrespect genie like that I know what she does you could never do

it felt a little misogynistic at the end what? there's no way why i don't know just had like an air didn't have an air no air it was just making fun of the way she it had a stretcher it had a bad air guys taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1, just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every day, no exceptions.

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I'll have my AG1 and then I'll have my coffee and it gets me set off to take on the day and to be centered and to feel like I did at least one good thing for my health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five

free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's DrinkAG1.com slash what's that? Check it out. Welcome to... Okay. The choice. Yeah, yeah no we see have you guys ever seen the voice no yeah i mean i'm familiar with the concept the choice is like the voice but you don't have to sing if you don't want to. Yeah.

Is that the choice? Make sense. Yeah. Make sense. All right. So who wants to go first with the choice? Let's pick a song, any song. I'm going to go with Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett. And I'm going to just call on people and you have a choice.

So here we go. Anya, you're up first. I don't know the words. What's that? I don't know the words. You don't know the words?'s no am i supposed to have started already yeah well it's you're coming in now and then yeah okay i guess i choose not to i choose not to sing pulled up the lyrics no it's just do you want to sing or not

okay so i did i didn't okay uh here we go this is gonna be a mirror uh i'm gonna go with the uh the snl intro song. Here we go. There's no lyrics to that. Do you want to DM me if you need some production help? I can do it. Amira? This is so easy. It's Saturday Night Live

with Adam Sandler. That was pretty good. I said that was pretty good. Yeah, but then you stopped it very early on. I don't really want to even give Marika the chance or the choice,

but this is the choice, so here we go. The choice. What did I do? Here we go. This is LA Woman for Mar go. The chores. What did I do? Here we go. This is L.A. Woman for Marika on The Choice. What? This is impossible. L.A. Woman by The Doors.

Yes. I don't know. Good luck to you, my friend. I don't think I know this song at all. Yeah, I choose not to sing really yeah why would he even give us a choice i saw this funny tiktok trend of like somebody doing blind karaoke so you don't know what song it is and then you like hear the song and it's usually not the song that is on, but like it still fits because there's only like nine different songs

in the world, I guess. But that would have been a better version. Can we do another round? No, we can't. Oh, you want to do another round? Marika, please. All right. Let's take it back to Anya. we can't. Oh, you want to do another round? Marika, please. All right. Let's take it back to Anya.

Here we go. Oh, fuck. This is going to be... Well, maybe don't say the song. It could be like a surprise. Just like that. Okay, I'll try. I'll try to guess the song.

All right. And sing it. Well. sing it. Wow. I don't know when it comes in. That's part of the joy. Is it here? It's not. It's so,

it's like we're minutes away from them singing. Start to the 90 second intro. Yeah. Well, you still have the choice. Well, I guess we'll wait it out. Yeah. It's glitching.

Okay. I hear it now. Is it here? No Beautiful flute It's pretty beautiful for a karaoke version Here you go It's right here

There's a lady who's sure Right? All that glitters is gold Correct I'm humiliated to even know all the lyrics. She's buying a stairway to heaven. How long am I going? That was it. Anya made the choice

to sing. Here we go. This is going to be for Marika. Yeah, here we go. If we're going to continue to workshop this idea, it would be cool if the choice was you had to do something else instead, because otherwise... Can you see by the dawn's early light

what so proudly we hailed? This song is more about the choice than it is about the voice, so it's whether you... You really only have to do, like, the first two lines, because then it demonstrates that you about the choice than it is about the voice. So it's whether you... You really only have to do the first two lines because then it demonstrates that you made the choice. Yeah, why didn't you know that, Marika? That was so obvious from the start. Amir, here we go.

Okay, here we go you chose not to sing that is the choice um so many time signatures oh that was um that was in the ghettohetto by Elvis Presley. Marika, that was the lag. Okay. Because it slowed down and then it sped way back up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which Jeff doesn't know this is happening, but the listeners at home know and we know.

Yeah. Cool deep Elvis cut. Time for our next and last segment. Poetry or not? What or not? I just saw birds like scatter Like they heard that We're all gonna take turns

Writing one sentence poems On the fly slash off the cuff Winner takes all Unless it's not poetry So we basically So I'm gonna point So if you guys pointed to me and said it's my turn So I would say

hungry is the victor that doesn't spoil his own appetite and then you would say is that poetry or is that just sort of nothing and then whoever has the most sentences of poetry by the end of this wins does that make sense

I'm not gonna pick it apart so let's just get into it all right uh let's start with marika since she seems really prepared and uh excited uh so three i i forgot to say that we're doing this in rounds where we all have um one minute on the clock so it's how-sentence poems can you do in a minute. All right? And we're going to just say poetry or gnaw as you say each sentence. And then whoever has the most poetries versus gnaws wins that round.

Ready? Three, two, one. Marika's on the clock. Water in a glass on the desk. Nah. Poetry. Amir? Poetry, yeah.

All right. If I write a poem, am I a poet? Poetry. I also say poetry. Holy shit. Keep going, Marika. You don't have to wait for the last vote.

This is very slow. To be or not to be that may be the question at hand. Plagiarized but poetry because I'm assuming it's T-U-B-I. It's what?

I don't know. But yeah, I'll let the clock run. T-U-B-I. To be. The streaming service. To be or not to be. That is the streaming service first of all that's a better poem, I punched it up

you got two you only made two poems so here we go, Amir before we lose you entirely because you haven't blinked in a minute 3, 2, 1, Amir's turn, here we go activity action and chaos, three

demons you must slay in order to become a better person not poetry but good advice not poetry though aphorism kind of we met in Hatfield County and by the time we were

married we had already moved four times in my heart and twice in my head. Poetry. Yeah, poetry. Daddy used to tell me the straighter the teeth, the less stories somebody had to say. No. No. No, that is poetry. No, I think that's prose. No. No, that is poetry. No, I think that's prose.

Yeah. Anybody can tighten their belt, but it takes a real person to fill out their pants. No, not poetry. That's a saying. That's an ism. Maybe it's hard to write more than two poems per minute. Yeah, maybe you suck,

and you don't know poetry if it hit you in the fucking head. Sorry, that was my fifth one. Did I run out of time? I brandish a gun like Ja. Do any of you know a poem by heart? We have to move on. Next game. An entire film?

No, I said a poem. Oh, a poem by heart. Like, do you have one memorized? Sorry. This is Anya. Three, two, one, go. Oh. The way Jeff plays these sounds,

the birds outside can hear them. Nah. Poem. Okay. Okay. Okay, so that's one. So many things I wish I could be doing with this hour of my life. Poem.

Poem. Nah. So what? None of us in this room have read poetry before are we hearing poetry now no offensive but poetry really

I would say offensive but poetry is a better poem okay offensive but poetry well that was mine okay well it's my turn okay offensive but poetry I love that a lot well that was my okay well it's my turn oh

you plagiarized from the best that was three all right and here I go sound off the days of camp are gone long no the days of camp are gone long. No. The days of camp are gone long?

Mama never believed in me, so I didn't either. Prose. Yeah. Corduroy dreams sounding means there's a rod in my cock. No, fucked up and no. First two lines, yes. I love the rod cock part. That's a good name for someone.

Lunching in Mexico City, did I even leave my comfort zone? No, none of these are poems. These are more like first lines to a novel. She strokes my back like I want her to stroke my axe. No. How did I get zero? You overthought it. I feel like you also like wrote them ahead of time

I do Alright She strokes my back End it there That's a poem Baby shoes For sale never worn Kind of vibes

That's cool That reference Is apparently not cool No one responded that's cool that reference is apparently not cool no one responded oh I did I said poem plugs what do we guys got what do you want to point the people to the floor is all of yours let's start with Anya

oh my what did I plug last time I was here I mean listen to every head gum show that I work on. Um, I stay tuned to the head gum feed cause there's going to be where I'm on. I'm personally launching a very exciting show in the next couple months. That's awesome.

And, um, you can, uh, listen to my radio shows on the radio on WGXC.org, the love motel. Follow us, send us.

I don't remember. I think we might have gotten one submission from head gum listeners last time yeah send me your love advice questions or regular life advice questions

I would love to talk to you all over on the radio the love motel the dot love motel on Instagram on the radio sorry that was a long one i liked your plug i didn't like amir's response marika what do you got

uh follow me at marika elan on twitter instagram and letterboxd. Also, The Pit Wall is back. Listen to that. It's a lot of fun. We're posting episodes every week. So tune in and also read some poetry. You know? Yeah. Turn this off and read some poetry. That's good.

Plug. At Jeffrey James on Instagram and listen to The Pit Wall. I would also say, I've never done this this before but unfollow Amir on a cross platform is that fair to say so that I don't get plugs you can follow him on Snapchat that's huge

that's unbelievable follow me while I burn in two flames. Follow me. Follow me. Follow me. Incubus.

Yeah. Or maybe a different band. Do you care? Pearl Jam? Pearl Jam? I mean, are you Gen X? I was born in 83. That was a Hidgum Original.