The Headgum Podcast - 147: F**k Up Some Rice

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

Jake, Marika, and Allie join Geoff to discuss Geoff's upcoming trip to Paris, Andrew Pile's birthday, and anger issues at large! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify Join the Headgum DiscordSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. This is the pipe, Danny. This is the pipe from in high school, sir. From high school, sir. Did you know, we're doing, I don't know if I'm supposed to announce this or not, but if I'm not supposed to, I'll cut it out, but we're doing merch for the show.

And in high school, sir, is on one of the shirts. I need one of those shirts, please. Well, I'm not in charge of it, but Marika doing merch for the show and in high school sir is on one of the shirts i need one of those shirts well i'm not in charge of it but marika will send you one thank you so much marty now's your time to come up with a catchphrase to be on a shirt you're fired i mean there's so many from when we used to do those dumb videos in the office all the time there's so many of those characters uh sleeping with the fishes is one um waka waka is probably the most i don't know waka waka is the one but it's probably up there fond of the week let's get straight into this fuckers i'm thinking do you regret this segment at this point of course but if i stop now it a failure. At least if I go until they cast, it might have been made to last. I'm going to go cure it on them.

It's kind of crazy that they haven't announced it. Like they need to start making the next Bond, right? Right. Like what's going on? Well, the other one came out in what, 2021? Yeah, I think. And it was already ready to go a year, two years before that. So yeah. Yeah. Right. I didn't see it. yeah I think and it was already ready to go a year two years before that so yeah yeah

right I didn't see it it was good it was fine you know I had a dream I think because I knew I was doing this today I had the most realistic dream last night that I was doing my own Bond of the Week

but it was Mr. Tumnus of the Week for a Chronicle of Narnia reboot. That doesn't exist. Mr. Tumnus of the Week? Wow. We should start doing that. We can pivot. Yeah, who would it be, though? Because it's kind of like James McAvoy's

The Goat. No, literally. I was like, what about Murray Bartlett and I was like Ellie that's so on the nose you're so annoying come up with something different that's what they would do though yeah

yeah that's true that it's on the nose they would cast on the nose they don't do the interesting thing that's the whole thing you know that's why I have never written anything yeah I'll say Andy Serkis do the interesting thing. That's the whole thing. You know, that's why I have never been in anything. Yeah.

I'll say Andy Serkis. I really liked him in Andor. And I think he can actually play a pretty dapper gentleman if they give him the chance. I think I want Paul Nascar. Who are we talking about right now? Tumnus? I think we're talking about Tumnus.

Oh, you were talking about Bond? I was talking about Bond. Why is Mr. Tumnus a dapper man? To be fair, he could be both. Yeah, Mr. Tumnus could be easily circus. I mean, that's an obvious choice. Once Khan said mezcal, I was like, oh, she's talking about Bond. No, I was talking about Tumnus.

What? I thought it was Tumnus. This is the Venn diagram that needs to be made. Who can do both? Allie, you've thrown a real wrench in this already. Sorry. Tumnus and Bond are now forever intertwined. They can't be untangled.

Well, then maybe my Bond of the Week is James McAvoy. I think he has the range. He does have the range. You know what I might have to say, actually? I might have to change my Bond of the Week. I might have to change it to Steve Buscemi

because, as we all know, the wand chooses the wizard and now the bond is choosing the lizard for monsters. Inc. Hmm. What's that guy's name? It's like stew or something. Do.

Yeah. What's the lizard's name? Um, in, in what, in, in, Stu? Yeah, what's the lizard's name? In what? In Monsters, Inc. Oh my god. Randall Boggs. Yeah, thank you. He's the bad guy, right?

Yeah. But let's call it Randall Bond. Good. My Bond of the Week is going to be Andy Samberg. All right. That was just a little icebreaker. You know, I wanted to go straight into it,

kind of warm Jake back up to the idea of this whole Shabazz, because you haven't been on for a couple months. I think the last time might have been, what, Gash Cab? Don't take a huge sip of cold brew after you ask me that i think i was on since gash cab i think i hope so i'm not sure we should do rash cab why yeah i guess i please don't have to happen please i guess that would have been a better first one than Gash Cab

We did Hash Cab Oh you did? Didn't you already do a skin disease game? Yeah I did What was that? Rash or Gnome? Probably

Probably And you wonder why I take months in between guesting probably there's only a few different in between we gotta talk about St. Patrick's Day it's today it's also Kyle's birthday I think I might specifically not wish him a happy birthday this year

does that make sense? that's good that way he starts to sort of question not wish him a happy birthday this year. Does that make sense? That's good. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. That way he starts to sort of question, like, did I do anything to upset Jeff? You know, like what? I don't think he's going to question that.

Mm-hmm. He knows that you baselessly hate him already. Like, he won't question that. That's true. That's true. Maybe you go the other way. just overdo the celebratory that is funnier but i would have had to have planned like a delivery like i would have had to have sent him a kind of expensive gift and then he'll be like are we that close yeah what the fuck is this? Is there?

I mean, he doesn't live in the city. Yeah. Yeah. You just call a local upstate. Yeah. A bakery or something. They could make a drop off happen for sure. That would be really funny.

I think I'm going to work on that right now. Hang on. Yeah. You can get him like a roast. Yeah. Oh, I love. Yeah. And then the note could just be like i know this is your favorite yeah i pulled all the strings and i got you a roast after all and after hours um yeah fuck you guys what do you mean

we're giving you the idea you want us to take over while you do your research why don't you guys do that here I mean cause here's the thing right I did an episode yesterday it was me Amir Casey and

Emma and they really brought a lot of it was a good crew they brought a lot of energy to it Casey, and... Emma. Emma. Oh, that's a good crew. It was a good crew. They brought a lot of energy to it. They gave me the benefit of the doubt that the episode might be actually fun to do. You guys are coming in expecting... I think Marika's the only one open to it being better.

And so I'm... That's a pretty big projection on me, and I don't think that's fair. And this is a pretty big projection on me and i don't think that's fair this and this is a pretty big projection bond me and it's just like a projected sandwich there's no way you could have known oh man so let's just you know let's recenter let's stay grounded please if i can ask this of you guys uh and you guys just wax while I figure out the best birthday gift for Piles X. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Okay.

I, um, speaking of staying grounded, I went to my, uh, chiropractor person yesterday and, um, she said that I, that's a thing I need to work on just, like, bodily and mentally because currently my body

is acting like this like a oh it's rising like a rising tide like a like a bodybuilder I'm so sorry to interrupt I've never done this but uh do you can you send me Pyle's address? Yeah. I know it's f***ing road, right? Nope, it's not. But, hold on. Yeah, you did think he lived in Rye, New York for like a solid two years. That's true. Yeah. Okay.

So yeah, the point of that story is that now i'm constantly thinking about how tense my body is and um it's not it's not doing wonders for me no totally i'm the same way i'm listening to you and i'm realizing that i'm also like this just like a little hunched little gremlin energy. It's what I would add to the world. I'd like to talk to you about exposing your body to extreme temperatures, both heat and cold. You do love to do that. And I think it's actually, it's done wonders for my chronic pains in my body. So, I don't know.

I feel like getting you a little cold plunge, it's in the cards. Have you gone to the spa that we... No, I heard from Micah that it was bad, so I decided to not go. Quick update, I found a florist that is perfect, and I'm going to try and get him the biggest bouquet I can afford right now. Wow, I'll Venmo you $50. And I want it to look bad.

Okay, great, because I think it's going to be $100. Do you have that address, just in terms of the... I put it in the chat. Yeah, you did. And there it is. Okay, I'm going to mute myself so I don't actually dox him. Actually, you know what, I'm going to not mute so I don't actually dox him. Actually, you know what? I'm going to not mute myself because I can censor it because we're not live.

This is true. Why do you have to say it? Oh, are you calling? He's going to call. He's going to get a phone call, right? That's really funny. I'm bummed to know that Michael went because I was going to offer my coupon to him for Liv in exchange for cash.

Wow. And he would have taken you up on that. But now he knows that he doesn't like it. And you're out. Because he took Liv. Yeah. I knew it would happen. I haven't used mine yet. And I've been gifted other gift cards to that

place. I have like. You're rolling. I have two massages on deck. I think the one in LA is good. Yeah. Okay. Thanks for saying that.

I think ours is just like bougie new Brooklyn vibes. But I was very intrigued. Bridge and tunnel vibes. I think it's like a lot of. Bridge and tunnel. Micah said it was just like very, very crowded. And people were like leaving towels out everywhere. Like just high traffic.

Not a good turnover. I was really intrigued by the snow room though. Yeah. I did want to go there. Yeah. Maybe I'll go. Just for that. The snow room is interesting.

Okay. Jeff, you look so dialed in. Yeah. I mean, when it comes to sending people unwarranted and unwanted gifts, it's like maybe his biggest passion. Right. It's where he shines. Yeah do i not everywhere else you really what about having hydrated looking hair um no i think you're you're generally a dry guy yeah you have the have the dry eye. You have the split ends. That's true.

You have eczema. That's, yeah. For a while there, I had psoriatic arthritis. What happened? I still have it. It's just been around. Like psoriasis?

What's that? Guess what? I'm going to Paris. By the time this comes out, I will have gone to Paris. Really? Really? You're going to Paris?

You're going in a year. No, no, no. I'm going for a year. No, you're not. I'm going next Saturday. What's actually happening? Oh, you're studying abroad? I'm studying abroad, but that's going to be domestically.

And then after that, I'm going to go to Paris, yeah. With s***. What's the matter? don't say you don't like when we talk about your personal stuff but you say everyone else's address let's just rein it in all right uh wait so you're seriously going you're seriously going to paris next weekend correct for how long it's on the weekend. Correct. For how long? It's on the HeadGum calendar. Yeah, for how long? Sorry, the better part of a week.

And I will be checking the calendar. Are you going anywhere else, or are you just going to do a long weekend in Paris? The plan is to be based out of the Le Troisième Arrondissement. Oh, nice. out of the Le Troisième Arrondissement and make a trip

daytime a daytime trip to somewhere else. But we're just going to go to the fucking train station and then just decide there on the day. Right.

So you're going to Paris for five days then you're going to fly back to Los Angeles? In a way, yeah. Wow. That's quick. If it fits and shifts.

Do you need Rex? I'll take Rex. Yeah, have you ever been? I went when I was young, when I was like six. I'll take Rex, but I'm not going to necessarily promise you that I'll go to where you suggested. Does that make sense? Like, like Anya sent me this museum recommendation. It looked incredible.

It was Le Musée de Chassé Nature. And I was like, oh my God, that looks incredible. I'm going to go. But then if you send me just, I just have to be honest about this. Like if Marika sends me something and it looks like horse shit, I'm not going to go. Yeah. She just sent me a really cool bar. I actually went to like two really cool bars while I was there.

Harry's? I don't know. I don't remember. I'll find out. But there's also a cool little restaurant that gave me food poisoning, and I threw up and shit myself for 36 hours while I was there. So I can let you know. I think it was called Clown Bar or something.

Oh, wait. That place gave you food poisoning? Yeah, yeah. Ooh, that sucks. I almost went there. Yeah, it was called like Clown Bar or something. Oh, wait. That place gave you food poisoning? Yeah, yeah. Ooh, that sucks. I almost went there. Yeah, it was bad. Yeah. It was like everybody else loved it.

Yeah. I had food poisoning from it. That sucks. It was a good old time. I turned 21 in Paris. It's on the phone now. Did you really? That's pretty sick.

Were you studying abroad? I turned 21 on... Hello? Yeah, it was fun. I went to a bar that was like jungle themed. Is it possible to place a same day delivery order today? Yeah. Ask if they can write a note, by the way, Jeff. It's going to...

I do feel like I have some pretty good Paris recs. And one of them is a museum, but it's a museum full of animal bones. It was crazy. I think museums are overrated. I've never been to a good museum. I'll say this museum, one room full of bones,

you're in, you're out. You see some weird animals. There are weird fetus bones in the way back, like human fetuses. They look like little gremlins. I think about them all the time. They haunt my dreams. I didn't take a photo of them because I was afraid they would curse my phone.

Yeah. But I love that museum. Jeff, did you get that order? Or did they say they couldn't do it? They couldn't do it. They couldn't do it, but that's not the only option. It's not the only option. Okay.

Jeff, you should go. My one recommendation, that's a genuine rec, probably the place that I enjoyed the most was a museum full of animal bones, and I think you should go there. Okay. Wait, is that the Chasse de Nature? I don't think it

was that. I think it is the Galerie de Palaientologie de... De... But yeah. And... I don't want to give notes on your French accent. Did you take French?

Did I take French? Or are you just doing Duolingo? I took French in high school. Nice, nice, nice. Oui, oui, très bien. C'est vrai, c'est vrai. Qu'est-ce que c'est? I said bon ben.

I know, but that's what's that in French. Yeah. That was my favorite place. You know, the... Did anyone go in the catacombs? Those were cool. Yeah, it was the first time I went to Paris.

This is so fucked up. I've been twice. It's like everyone in the greater area is working against me giving Kyle flowers. Why is it that everyone seems to be out to get me all the time? I don't think that's necessarily true. Really?

Do you, I mean, maybe there's like a grocery store cake that you could get him. That's true. Maybe we could like send a photo. I think sending him an unsettlingly large bouquet is really funny. And he'll just, like, that's going to be the thing of like, why? We're not close like that. Right. They should be really romantic seeming too.

Yeah. Like not celebrate. Yeah, not celebration flowers. Absolutely not. Yeah. Keep waxing. Don't let me get in the way. Sorry. Sorry.

Jake, I know what you mean. I know what you mean with museums, but I like ones that are weird and niche and, like like strange. I can't believe that that's why. How is this still in business type of museum? Yeah. That's how I'm starting to feel about all these florists because like none of them are fucking open.

Don't tell us to wax and then interrupt us with your shit. Allie was about to tell us about a museum that she went to. I know. I didn't. I won't. I went to the second largest museum of like collection of taxidermied frogs

once because I was sick and I was like a bunch of people were going on a trip. I couldn't go on the trip and so like me and one person left over who was like there to keep me company because they felt bad. We were like that's an activity and it was actually so cool where was this museum like it was in it was in croatia i was calling to see if you guys could do a same day delivery today i know it's really cool but i was

just wondering um yeah i feel great museums like if i could like snap my fingers and be in one and experience one great but i wouldn't so i'm, great. I'm just not ever waking up, seeking out a museum, going in, paying the fee, wandering around, finding the exhibit. It's for my friend's birthday, but I kind of want to inconvenience him with how large the bouquet is, if that's possible. I can't believe he's giving this backstory. Within reason. I don't want to stress you out. But you get it.

They don't get it but you get it um they don't get it you get it you get it I want to annoy my friend with flowers you understand well no I'll do just hand tight he has vases I'm sure don't call it a vase

obviously that works yeah um I I'm a really fast museum goer Don't call it a boss, obviously. That works, yeah. I'm a really fast museum goer. I'm really speedy. The name is Andrew Pyle. I can't deal with stopping and staring at a piece of art for five minutes. Oh, yeah, sorry. That's another thing.

I need to be moving, and if I'm in a museum with a group of people, and they're appreciating art, I'm like, okay. But then inevitably you go through the whole entire thing and you have to go and do it again. And then you have to walk back and circle back. Yeah. That's the worst. I once realized I needed to break up with someone because we were incompatible museum goers together. It was like they were miles behind me

and I was like, I can't live my life like this. Yeah. That's very true. I gotta keep it moving. I just like to go for what I want to see. I'll just speed through.

I'll look at both sides of the room. I'll be like, hey, let's go painting. Maybe I'll stop and look at some brushstrokes. Love, Jeff. I'm on my way. But it'sof i feel i like some really basic museum stuff like i would go to the met and just like look at picasso's or something like what you're supposed to do you know the first museum the first museum i like field trip museum stuff i'm not like

cultured enough to be going any deeper than that. You're not like searching for exhibitions. No. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't think so. I'm like, okay, I have an afternoon free. Should I go see a Monet? I guess.

Sure. Yeah. That's a good vibe. But I mean, I would never do that. I would never do that. I'm not cultured. I'm not cultured. Yeah, I would never do that. I would never do that. I'm not cultured. I'm not cultured. Yeah, I'm trying to think of one really weird museum that I went to when I was in London one time was like a museum of like,

oh, what was it? Like advertising, like boxes, like old cereal boxes, old product design stuff. And it was just like a really dark, winding couple of rooms packed with a bunch of old tied boxes. And it was really fun. It's done. It's going to his address. She said she got the assignment. I said, happy birthday, love, Jeff. I think the funniest version of this to me is just, it's kind of actually a nice gift, but it's just a little off.

It's like, you barely wrote anything. Why'd you do this? Yeah. Did you see any kind of flowers or anything? Yeah, what is this bouquet going to be like? She said, what are you looking for? And I said, I want it to just be as large as possible. I said, somewhat comically large.

And then she said, great, do you want it just stems or in a vase? And I said, at the end of the day, I said in a vase, and then I was like, actually, that's going to cost like another $40. So I was just like, just the stems is fine. He has a vase. He has a vase. He has a vase. But you don't know what the flowers are going to be?

I don't care. They don't need to be beautiful. They just need to be plentiful. They just need to be big. We have to take a break. I'm sorry. We really do have to take a break. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right?

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I'll have a glass of water. I'll have my AG1 and then I'll have my coffee. And it gets me set off to take on the day and to be centered and to feel like I did at least one good thing for my health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health. It's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1.

Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. We're gonna fuck up some rice.

Burnt rice. Ruined rice. Unapologetic when we fuck up some rice. We're going to ruin some rice. We're going to fuck. Bet you you'll see char. bet you you'll burn rice bet you you watch soy bet you you'll soil sand because i feel like burning some rice i'm in the mood to fuck up some rice because we're gonna fuck up some rice is anyone else home no yeah all right cool um i constantly have a version

of that song stuck in my head that gossip king sang yeah where they're just like i know there's apples in here and i think about that all the time. So I'm glad that now you now have this to go along with that. We're going to fuck up some rice. You shouldn't be allowed into France. What if I solve the strikes? All right, so we're clearly not keeping up with international politics. Got it.

I'm aware they're striking. Jake is. You guys didn't laugh. Just kind of in shock. Like the thought of you holding down a picket line sort of thing. Negotiating with a French union given your limited high school French. I mean, you just say qu'est-ce que c'est

repeatedly. Failing to a lingo. During negotiations, you'd be like, qu'est-ce que c'est? So you don't know anything. Even in English you don't know anything. It turns out it only took the better part of a week.

Five days and done all it was a dumbass American in Paris do you guys have any notes on those lyrics I want to get them perfect the sand one I do want to circle back to because it did kind of feel like at that point you were making up words again it's just that the song is really fast do you mind if I do want to circle back to Because it did kind of feel like at that point You were making up words again Yeah well no it's just that the song is really fast

Do you mind if I do it again? Yeah go for it We're gonna fuck up some rice Burp rice Ruined rice Unapologetic when we fuck up some rice We're gonna ruin some rice we're gonna ruin some rice bet you you'll see char bet you you'll burn rice bet you too much soy bet you you'll soil sand because i feel like burning some rice yeah

i'm in the mood to fuck some rice up. Because we're going to fuck up some rice. Bet you you'll... What was it? Bet you you'll soil sand. Well, there was that one. Bet you you'll see char. Bet you you'll burn rice. Bet you too much soy.

Bet you you'll soil sand. Bet you you'll soil sand. What does that mean? That you wrote much soy. Bet you you'll soil sand. Bet you you'll soil sand. Yeah. What does that mean? Is the lyrics that you wrote and chose. Does everything, it was a pleasing track. I actually really enjoyed it. The music was great, but I'm wondering about the lyrics in my performance.

I thought the lyrics were great. Yeah, it was really good except for char, bet you'll burn rice, bet you too much soy, bet you you'll soil sand. Why that? Which part? Why you'll burn rice?

Bet you you'll soil sand? What does that mean? Yeah, on a very basic level. Okay, so if you're... I don't like diving into my lyricism, but basically the idea of this song...

If you don't like diving into your lyricism, why did you sing the song back to us slower and ask what we thought about the lyrics? It's not like you needed to dive into the lyrics.

I also didn't ask you to define the lyrics so much as i asked you to define what you'll soil sand means the the narrator is setting out to ruin rice right yes right we got that part right right and so's going to entail seeing some char, burning the rice. Maybe it's burning because you've added too much soy. But also, ultimately, what you will be doing is soiling sand. Because to me, as we've kind of established, it's the consistency of sand. Right. The rice is.

I see. I see. You'll soil sand, which is, no, we don't have to move on because you're saying yule soil sand, but you're the one ruining the rice. And then you're saying to someone that they will soil the sand. Yeah, it's kind of like in the spirit still of the original song lyrics, which is Beyonce saying, we're all going to collectively fuck up the night. But in this case, we're going to fuck up some rice. Okay. I want to ruin some rice.

Are all of those in the Beyonce song, do they all start with bet you? Yeah. Bet you use more soy. Why wasn't it that instead? I don't know. Seems to ponder. But I, in general, really like the song.

Yeah, I thought that was nice. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. Welcome to Reel or Jake. Op-ed edition. So this is going to be an either-or game. This one's called Reel or Jake, op-ed edition. So basically, half of these are real New York Times op-ed article titles,

and then some of these are just op-eds that Jake would write for sure. So you just guys have to tell me whether I'm going to read out these headlines and you tell me whether they're real or Jake. Got it. Yeah. Okay. I should know these. You should. Cause I'm me.

Right. And you know, your opinions better than we do, but I think we have enough. Yeah. And I think you, you have a strong enough personality that we know what you would write and what you would, the opinions you would hold to be true. So here we go.

I told everyone what I think about museums. All right. Yeah. Go ahead. Chat GPT and the human mind. How do they compare? That's got to be NYT. I don't give a fuck.

That is, that's correct. Yes. Here we go. Why I think brown employees shouldn't have healthcare. From the co-founder of HeadGum. Trick question. That sounds like a Marty. Correct!

No, that was... Okay, I'll give you that one. That was you, but I'll give you brother. Men should wear more pink. New York Times? Yeah. That's correct. That feels like, that was in the Times like yesterday.

I feel like that sounds like it came from 2008. Yeah, definitely. I think everyone wears enough of the right colors. It seems fine. I've never gone out and been like, there's not enough pink. Marty's been wearing

a yellow sweater, which I think is a good representation of the color yellow. Yeah. Okay, here we go. Why I redirected charity funds from a 24-hour live stream to my personal checking account.

I mean, you're accusing me of doing that, but I didn't do that. And I wouldn't publicly... Correct! It was Jake. How to get kids to hate... It has to filter through my account, by the way. It has to filter through my account

so I can dole it out appropriately. We gotta find out some lies. How to get kids to hate English. I think New York Times. Correct. It's a real opinion article. Interesting. How to get kids to run errands for you

for as little pence as possible like the olden days. Halcyon wallets don't mail themselves is what I'm saying. Why Jesus loved friendship. We're going to fuck up some rice. You think that's me? I kind of feel like it's you. It'd be fun if it was. That's a real op-ed. It would be fun if it wasn't.

That's a question that I've asked before in religion classes, because, you know, I'm Jewish, and I don't know. But I was like, did Jesus have friends? Did he have a friend group? And my teacher was like, well,, because, you know, I'm Jewish, and I don't know. But I was like, did Jesus have friends? Did he have, like, a friend group? And my teacher was like, well, he had apostles. I'm like, that's not the same. That's not the same. Yeah, that's like saying everyone who works at HeadGum is my friend.

Only some of them are. I don't know anything about Michelle. I've never met Nerissa. And guess what? And she's never in town. She doesn't even live in L.A. I know them. I'm, like, on good terms with them.

Are we friends? Absolutely not. Really? You're not friends with Michelle? Or Angie? Or Nerissa? I think Angie and I have a sort of rapport. I could see that. Sort of like a... Yeah. Your friend Lee.

Your friend Lee with everyone. She's sort of the Dwight to my Jim. Bet you're your soil sand. All right. What euthanasia has done to Canada? Sorry. What euthanasia has done to Canada? Jake's always talking about that.

Yeah. I like the talking about that. Yeah. I like the cadence of that. Really. It had a prose that was interesting to me. Euthanasia in Canada. Like, that's nice. Which hole feels better for the girl? I'm genuinely asking.

Jesus, man. Come on. I really wish it was the New York Times. That's going to be a jaker. All right, here we go. A love letter to doing Molly at your in-laws Thanksgiving two years in a row. Ooh. That's

That has to be a new, it's like lame enough to be a New York Times thing. This person is micro-dosing Molly and pretending that it's cool. That was a Jake one. Really? We're gonna fuck up some rice. All right.

Time for our next segment. By the way, just a quick update on the pile birthday gift of it all. I mean, this fucking florist just swindled me out of a $20 delivery fee. Oh, I was further out than I thought. It's going to be $20 more. Fuck you. I gave you the address on the phone. You saw what it was.

You quoted me $85. Now it's $105? They know you're a mark, dude. They know I'm a martyr. I'll die on the stake for my friends. Listen, we got to talk about something real about this show one of my catch phrases has become fuck you guys at the top of my lungs right i feel like i've developed some sort of chip on my shoulder you know what i mean and so i feel like i could afford to be a little less angered towards y'all.

So what I, but also let's be honest. I mean, I'm also met with a lot of vitriol every time I'm on the mic. So I thought, what's that? I was, I was agreeing. I feel like you are. Yeah. It's a, it's an antagonistic relationship between you and your guests. Yeah.

So I thought that we could sit here and just kind of learn about anger the way a child does. So I found this British audio book about anger. It's called When I Am Angry by Michael Gordon. Children's audio book read aloud on how to overcome anger feels like work you should do for yourself outside of the pod on it it's just fucking focus here sorry i haven't heard the narrator is gonna be uh sorry i don't even know uh it doesn't uh it doesn't say it does not say uh it is not Michael Gordon, the author. It is a woman's voice, I believe. But yeah, let's try and work through this together.

Yeah. And if you guys want to pause and make any points, just let me know. Just say pause and I'll pause it. Here we go. Okay. Can't hear anything. Are we supposed to be able to hear anything wait have you not heard anything this whole time I think we stopped hearing

stuff like after the theme song oh yeah like when you sang the rice song that was just you acapella are you kidding me were you playing music the Rice song, that was just you acapella. Are you kidding me? Were you playing music?

Yes! That's why I was like, you're not singing it with a track. You can go slower. Okay, well now I have to do it again. We're gonna fuck up some rice. Can you hear it now? Now we can hear you. Yeah, I can hear you. You're good. Can you hear me?

Did you just hear the applause? Okay, great. Here we go. You're good. Can you hear me? Yes. Did you just hear the applause? Yes. Okay, great. Here we go. We're gonna fuck up some rice. Ruined rice. Burnt rice. Unapologetic when we fuck up some rice.

We're gonna ruin some rice. Bet you you'll see char. Bet you you'll see char. Bet you you'll burn rice. Bet you too much soy. Bet you you'll soil sand. Soil sand. Better, right? Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. Buttered rice. What's the line after you'll soil sand? Because I feel like burning some rice no because the lyrics are like um or no because i feel like burning some rice i'm in the mood to fuck some rice up right okay got it got it got it christ all right um what were we okay here we go this is the audiobook Right, okay. Got it, got it, got it. Christ. All right. What were we... Okay, here we go.

This is the audiobook. Story Feature Studios! It's cute. All right. When I Am Angry by Michael Gordon, illustrated by Max Lahrin. As you may or may not know, it's not fun feeling mad. It's even worse when you're angry with your mom or your dad. So when anger comes around...

Sorry, can we just give it our full attention? You said we could pause. Were you asking for a pause? I was asking for applause. For my commentary that shows I was paying attention. Thank you. I really didn't mean to lash out at you like that. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I zoned out, so I'm glad that we paused because now I'll start listening to the next part. All right. Let's just really focus up because I'm on my witits end. It comes around and wants to ruin your day. Get rid of it fast so you can continue to play. For the most part, Josh was sweet and as fun as can be, except when he lost his temper, which was often, you see. Can I pause for a second?

Right. So Josh was fun and as sweet as could be except for when he lost his temperature or temper excuse me um you're like a piece of shit all the time is i don't think that you have the like redeeming qualities that this child josh seems to have like if you get rid of your anger who are are you? You're still kind of dumb. You're boring. You're dry. You're all over the place.

You're addicted to caffeine. Dry. Physically dry. Yeah, you're too dry. For sure. Yeah. So I just want you to know that, like, I wouldn't relate too much to Josh. But maybe he has some, like, coping mechanisms that you can pull from.

Okay. You can play. So you think if I wanted to solve my anger, at least you think I need to develop like more of a personality in general? Yeah. In general. Yeah. Today's angry mood started just after morning play.

Josh wanted cake before lunch, but his mom said, no way Josh started to breathe heavily his heart beating fast He gritted his teeth and hoped the feelings wouldn't last Mum taught Josh a trick to stop anger from ruining his day Pretend anger is a ball and throw that ball far away. Josh threw three big balls of anger as far as he could.

Okay. We can't hear anymore. Yeah. I can see the illustrations now. It's nice to know what Josh looks like. Yeah. Balls of anger as far as he could. Before long, it was all gone and Josh was feeling good.

He sat down and ate lunch and had cake when he was done. Mum was proud that Josh had battled his anger and won. When Josh was at the park with his sister later that day they saw a black and white cat that mom said was a stray josh wanted to keep the cat and take it home with them all when mom said no josh got angry he threw an anger ball. Although it made him feel better, he was still reeling. What's an anger ball? I think it's the illustration that we just saw where it's Josh throwing a ball of his own emotions.

It's like a rage ball. It's an imaginary ball that he throws. I was envisioning it was a physical ball. When I was little and I got angry, I would go hit a tennis ball on the wall. So that's what I was imagining. This reminded me of something I saw yesterday, which was like a kid skateboarding down the street with his babysitter,

kind of like chasing after him. I think he was like eight or nine years old. And she kept on yelling at him to like stop at every stop sign. And then at one point he's just like rolling down towards the stop sign he turned to her and yelled i hope i die and he was so angry it was i was like my god i'm so happy i'm not this this poor woman although it made him feel better, he was still really mad. So his sister suggested a trick she'd learned from their dad.

Dad said when you feel... He had an angry father. Dad said when you feel so angry that you just want to shout... I was making fun of Josh for having an angry dad. Sorry. Count to four and then let it all out. This worked well for Josh. Soon he was back to enjoying his day until he was in the front yard later trying to play.

Some big boys were heading to the park to play. This kid shouldn't need to do this. This is a lot of coping mechanisms. Normal stuff. Don't have people for lunch. Hair trigger. This is a lot of like coping mechanisms. Yeah. Normal stuff. Don't have cake before lunch. His default is like hair trigger. I'm so fucking mad that I can't keep a cat, that I can't have cake. He's just always ready to lose his shit unless he's like holding his breath.

I don't think. Maybe Josh is a lot like you. I think he should have been able to keep the cat. I think that's a mistake on the mom. They have room. It would teach him some responsibility. It would be an emotional support animal. I do want to circle back to Jake likening me to Josh,

which I don't think is fair. Isn't that a compliment, though? Because earlier... It's an insult to Josh. Yeah, because earlier I was saying jeff is a piece of shit and josh is like otherwise fine but it sounds like we're gonna fuck up surprise is this how we find out that jeff is josh yeah jeff is michael gordon this story is about me by the way we didn't talk enough about how michael gordon is like so close to michael jordan and we actually had a joke in the gordon sketch it was an

off days gordon sketch with john george where he's like what then why are the shoes called air gordon after the best basketball player of all time, Michael Gordon. It's like, it's Michael Jordan. And he's like, really? What are these? What are these? Can we all agree? And, you know, maybe by a show of hands, this guy should have been, this kid should have been spanked.

Like he gets angry because he was never over dad's knee it's fine to be angry mom said not like this but don't let it ruin your day i'm proud of how you've calmed down by sending anger away. The end. You know, I feel like that's a lesson that a lot of adults need to learn, even still. I mean, you're not wrong. Don't let anger ruin your day. Yeah. So, you know, it's a little

counterintuitive, because I'm a little pissed, I have to say, that you guys didn't seem to be really fully paying attention, giving it your whole Jay Cussy, Al Lossie, Murray Cussy. Hmm? Hmm? What does that mean? What does that mean? You guys didn't give it your all. But what is that?

How can you tell? I was like, by what metric? The fuck is wrong with you? We're gonna fuck up some rice. Plugs. What do you guys have going on? We gotta get into this pit while record,

which by the way, I have to skip because I didn't watch the episode. Oh my god. Just be there anyway. I can do that. You don't want to, obviously. I don't want to. We could have recorded a file in the morning.

Well, then Casey would have had to been up at 7. That's true. Well, my plugs. Listen to The Pit Wall. This episode, obviously, Jeff will not be on but he's on some other ones and I'll be on on Monday he will be on on Monday

and I'll be on and I don't know how many episodes ahead we are but if this comes out before March 30th we're doing a head gum happy hour um because yeah that ruined my day

uh we're doing a head gum happy hour Hour in New York City hosted by Jake and Amir. Great guests. Where is it? Kips Bay? The AMC in Kips Bay? Yeah. Lower East Side.

Yeah, it's a caveat. Clinton Street. Jeff, you should come. I'm going to be in Paris. I'm going to be in Gatorade. That's right. Really?

I'll come for the next live show though in May. Well, yeah, ideally, you're probably hosting it or something. Not the one in New York. Right, the one in LA is in May. So wait, the next one in LA is in May? May 11th. Oh, okay.

Well, yeah, I'll be there for that one. When's the next one in New York after this one? TBD. June? yeah, I'll be that one. When's the next one in New York after this one? TBD. June? June, got it. July. July. That's awesome.

Nice, nice, nice, nice. Follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Letterboxd at Marie Galon. Allie, what do you got? Also was going to say I had gummy happy Hour, so I'll push past that. This episode comes out March 31st, we should say. We'll listen and watch that episode, the HeadGum Happy Hour. When it comes out later. And you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter and Letterboxd at AllieCon.

Jake? Pitwall, sure. letterboxd at alicon. Oh yeah. Jake? Um, Pitwall. Sure. I deleted all social media. I have nothing to plug. Do you delete your Instagram? I'm off the grid.

Yeah. Like deleted it. No, it didn't like cancel my account. I just don't have it anymore. I deleted the app. Got it. Congratulations.

Um, thanks. have it anymore. I deleted the app. Got it. Congratulations. Thanks. What's the ETA on the flowers? Oh, I was really hoping. She said she was going to send a picture, and I really was kind of trying to draw the episode out as long as I could in case she wanted to send it. She hasn't yet. Granted, it's only

been 18 minutes. At Jeffrey Gems on Instagram. And also, let's just... Do you guys want to lead us out by all singing together with the song? Oh, yeah. That's why you sent it to the chat. One, two, three, four. One, two, three.

We gon' fuck up Surprise! Can you hear it now yeah all right well we have to start it over again we gonna fuck up some rice burnt rice ruined rice

unapologetically we gonna fuck up some rice fuck up some rice we're gonna ruin some rice. Bet you you'll see char. Bet you you'll burn rice. Bet you too much soy. Bet you you'll use oil, sand.

Cause I feel like burning some rice. I'm in the mood to fuck some rice up. Cause we're gonna fuck up some rice Okay Why did you guys not enjoy that? That was a Hidgum Original.