The Headgum Podcast - 164: Headgum After Dark (w/ Melanie Bracewell!)

Episode Date: August 4, 2023

Special guest Melanie Bracewell (The Cheap Seats) joins Miles Bonsignore (Perfect Person podcast), Reilly Anspaugh (Review Revue podcast), and Geoff for a very special after-hours episode in the Headgum studio to discuss Gucci-related property theft, omakase dining experiences, and pick-up lines.  Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify Join the Headgum DiscordSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. I like to do a, you know, create your own sort of experience. So picnic, you know, that's really kind of it. You like to do picnics as a first date? Yeah. That's awesome. I, yeah, that's really creative

and fun. I think it's not for me probably because I don't want to sit on the ground. That's fair. You have to have a certain you have to assume a flexibility of the partner and of your own to sit comfortably

and attractively on the floor. A while back I went on a date um and today uh i made a picnic and uh we ate it in my truck bed you guys ready i guess i feel like this sucks this is it that bad oh why don't you just do this yeah but that's the same like that's the same thing. What do you mean? No, because then you can hear it in the room. Oh, no.

It's more balanced. It's better. It's okay. All right. That's fine. Miles doesn't even fucking wear it. He says he's going to wear it necklace style. No, because I just...

The monitoring situation in here since the get-go has always been silly. Yeah. Can you hear them? Don't go. Oh, God. Oh, no. This is a little bit coming in the right. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

I was kind of terrified you were going to play me. No, don't clap. Headgum After Dark. I was so worried you were going to play me an original version of that song. Headgum After Dark. I said that when I walked in. You walked in with a spin drip. That's what you meant to say.

I did walk in with a spin drip. He did say Headedgum after dark So I don't know if that was like you quoting him or like That was me saying it for the first time or like I said it on the way in Yeah And I said it at the same time I thought it

Melanie Bracewell on the show all the way from New Zealand I was She flew out just for this which is crazy What a bad trip It genuinely feels like it because I'm staying in Santa Monica this which is crazy what a bad trip it genuinely feels like it because I'm staying in Santa Monica and I had to take an hour and a half Uber to get here

I forget how big LA is I was like I'll be there like it's fine that sucks that really sucks worth it ladies yeah don't ever. Sorry, I'm still soaring off of the Powerhouse Women episode.

When you heard. What's that? Yeah. I didn't say anything. I mean, I started to say. Head gum after dark. Right? So?

So, the energy's kind of fun. Is it not? So, it's like when you're recording during daylight, what's the energy like? All business during working hours. So this is fun you. Which is, yeah. If like, I don't know what was happening before

because it was like a mess before too. It already feels worse. Really? Yeah. Plug your guys' stuff up top. Plug it up top? You all have a lot going on. We haven't proven ourselves in this stage of comedy yet.

All right. I'm editing this crazy, too, because it's... Head gum after dark. Say it with me, obviously. What do you want? Like, what gets us out of the room the fastest? 57 minutes of joy and sort of an aspirational hour of wisdom. I've already ordered my Uber.

It's going to take that long to get here. Another hour and a half just to think about this. Why is everybody already soured on the idea of the podcast? No, I'm excited to see what you've got in store. I've literally told Daniel as I was getting ready to come here, I'm like to see what you've got in store I literally told Daniel As I was getting ready to come here

I'm like, I don't have to do anything I don't have to prep anything This isn't my show I don't have to try You didn't bring anything? There's like 20 minutes that I was like Oh, Riley will fill that Wish I would've known

I mean, I can do it I have a little something. I'll figure it out. What do you have? I have a little something. You always bring something. You want me to do it today? I'm also saying plug your shit

because Melanie doesn't know who you guys, well, she knows Riley. She doesn't know who the fuck you are. It's nice to meet you, by the way. I have a podcast called Perfect Person. It's calling it nice. Oh my God. I said you didn't want to plug.

I don't know. It has a lot of listeners, so you're actually sitting with podcast royalty. I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, we do okay. People plug. It has a lot of listeners, so you're actually sitting with podcast royalty. I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, we do okay. People listen. It's nice. That's someone who is doing very well.

So if someone goes, yeah, we do okay. It's nice. 100 million listeners a pop. That's too many. So many listeners that you get rolled up on by the pops. By the pops. Yeah, and that was a pop,

so watch the levels. Melanie's like the Yeah, and that was a pop, so watch the levels. Melanie's like the most famous Kiwi in the world, though. That's not true at all. Who is? Don't say the Prime Minister. Can you do this all service? I would say Jacinda Ardern would be pretty high up there. Do you want to do your Jacinda?

Rose McIver? You know Rose McIver. She's doing pretty well. She's an American citizen, I thought. Why? What made you think that? I don't fucking care. She's an American citizen, I thought. Why? What made you think that? I don't fucking care. You can be a citizen of somewhere else, but like be originally from a different place.

Don't act confused. What? Don't. I have a question for you. So Miles is like a billionaire with a million listeners. Yeah. Sorry, 100 million listeners per pop. Sure.

Melanie is the most famous Kiwi ever. What's my thing? Riley also has a really successful podcast. No, no, no. It has to be different than Miles's? Yes. It just got into the, well, I know one big thing about- Really talented actor, producer.

Well, you're missing the- I thought you were going to be like supermodel of the world. Yeah, so you wanted me to say something really specific. You don't do those things I was gonna say we were just having fun the curtain bangs didn't come up

that's fine we don't have to talk about it if I that would be offensive if I talked about your hair no it wouldn't no because it's a showstopper that Riley is really excited about

you're right that it is a showstopper you just got the curtain bangs I got them a couple months ago but but honestly Miles I got them trimmed recently. That's right.

That's damn right. Who cares? Yeah. I care. When I was on Miles' show. You just got into the New York Comedy Festival. We're talking about your bangs. I described my bangs as an accessory that I have all the time.

That's great. I want to end the show there. Plugs, what do you have going on? What do you want to put? You're doing what? Is it a charity fundraiser? Oh, my God. That's what this feels like. Yeah. Yeah. the show there. What do you have going on? What do you want to put? You're doing what? Is it a charity fundraiser? That's what this feels like.

Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say that. I'm going to do a charity casting on the show. And so what are you guys up to later? So I actually have just some stuff I want to air out.

So fast. So fast that he's bringing this up. Well, I guess I just wanted to, I'll say, we'll do a little thing where I'll say a quote. Okay. And you guys tell me what you think about it.

Oh my God, you actually brought a little something. I did bring a little something. I think, is Jeff leaving? Are you fucking kidding? Is the camera not squared up on me? It's not focused. Are you fucking kidding me? This is an outrage. This is an outrage.

This is an outrage. If you just talked like normal on the show, like if you didn't acknowledge that I was up, people wouldn't have seen me up and it wouldn't have interrupted the show. His eyeline would have moved and then people would have been like, why is his eyeline moving? No, that's correct. I don't, though.

But if I did, I would have taken offense. Wait, you're changing every camera's changing So every camera is out of focus They're all bad That's crazy What are the chances If you just like randomly adjusted it There's enough cameras that one of them should be in focus Why would they ever be out of focus

The producer cam was fine I think a great comedian Is someone who can play language like an instrument. Jeffrey James! We're cutting this. We're obviously cutting this. We're cutting this? Why?

What? Why, Jeff? Because you also said a couple other choice things in here that are a little bit questionable. What's from Jeff? This is an interview with Jeff from Who Gives a Shit. This is the earliest we've ever cut to break. No way we're cutting to break. I want to hear more.

What's the point of any of this? Let's figure out what the point of it is. We're not doing this. I've never seen real in Paris. Okay, wait. I did an interview with my sister's magazine. But you mean that genuinely? Kind of, because it was a really earnest

publication, so I gave earnest answers. But you didn't say what the question was. It wasn't unprompted. I think of my comedy like a cello. I'm writing. This is so much worse because of what's going to happen

after this, During the show. Just to start it, I guess I'm Jeffrey James. I live in Los Angeles. I think of my comedy like a multifaceted entity. Like a tuba. Yeah. We're kind of like in an orchestra at the moment. You can be conductor and first chair violin at the same time.

Did you ever play any instruments, Jeff? Are you a musician of sorts? I played the clarinet because I was forced to do it in school. You played a guitar. Recorder. I played clarinet as well. And then I would forget to eat breakfast and faint. Why would you forget to eat breakfast?

That seems unrelated because you're blowing so much air out. That's too much air, by the way, to play the clarinet. I played clarinet and I didn't eat breakfast. I had music for breakfast. No, my clarinet teacher sent me to the school counselor because I kept failing to do clarinet practice because I wasn't eating enough food. And just blowing a lot of air. Yeah, I think I was I just

You have to stand and blow for so long It's crazy You're with me You're with me No Did we all do that? I had breakfast It was fine

I was bad at the clarinet I've got ADHD And I did play it because of Squidward You played the clarinet because you liked the Squidward I played a woodwind because of Squidward. Well, it's interesting you bring up music. It doesn't sound like S&M at all. No, I'm not agreeing with you.

Don't look at me like, yeah, she gets it. It didn't even have the same vowel sound. It's interesting that Jeff's talking about music, though, because he says I take a lot of inspiration from music. When I write, I usually hop back and forth between my laptop and my guitar. for music. When I write, I usually hop back and forth between my laptop and my guitar.

No! No! He writes, to whom it may concern, I'm going to do a sick call and just give me a minute. I don't think I've ever seen him blush.

It's so funny because I did so little prep for this. And it's like cutting so deep. Anyway, he is wonderful. Oh my God. I googled Jeffrey James interview and the first thing that came up hasn't been brought up to you in a silly context before, which is so surprising. I'm obsessed.

Oh my God. context before, which is so surprising. I'm obsessed with it. My sister runs a... She runs this very serious, cool online magazine, and she was like, I'd love to interview you for it. And I was like,

what the fuck am I supposed to say? And so I kind of was... I know, but I was trying to do something more. So pretentious to a sibling. Because it was published. I'm just imagining you type a couple lines of a script. Well, that's really funny.

But it makes me think of... This is fucked up. I typed a little C, and that's actually a chord. I really resonate with. I gotta play this role again. I'm only playing Sting. But on a guitar. He starts trying to write an email on the guitar.

How many more chords do you need to get out of your system? This article is really long. I mean, I'll bring up some later, but we can move on. No, it can't be a through line. I'm going to throw up. Isn't it crazy when you're working, they call it a keyboard. When you think about it, isn't a keyboard

just another instrument? It's so wild. It's a guitar for a reason. I mean, there's some quotes in here I'm not even comfortable saying because they're so intimate. Right. Right. Yes, of course. So don't say any of the interviews.

This is really special. I need to hear more. Oh, man. I mean, let me just sort of. Okay, all right. I can't play. Bond of the week. Basically every week until the next 007 is cast,

we're lobbing up our casting options for the next James. What happens when, will this segment just be gone? No, it'll just be over. Okay, that makes sense. My pick this week is Stephen Sondheim. Why? Stephen Bondheim. You think he can pull it off?

Oh, it just has to sort of sound. No, afraid not. It can be anything you want. It's not even a thing. So instead of like, so what can you do on a Saturday night alone? It'll be... That is the only Sondheim reference you ever sing.

So what can you do with a boss named M as Bond? Fuck you guys, right? Because I put a lot of effort into this shit. Did you? He Googles one thing, clicks on the first result he says. Everybody's dying. Everybody's in stitches. How much time and also what chords after writing that did you play on the guitar?

Hour and a half. What song did you play after writing that? I'm going to go with Harry Styles. Fine. Mel? I'm going to go with Harry Styles. Fine. Mel? I'm going to go with Lin-Manuel Miranda. Oh, Lin-Manuel Bond-randa. Yeah.

Riley? Sorry. I was number seven! Oh, my God. I'm going to go with a barista at this coffee shop near where i live name drop uh i only know the first name his first name is cam and it's crazy because james bond often starts with their last name the whole point i just remember like just Kim gave me this is for visual Kim gave me like a very knowing look

one time I'm like can I get like 2% milk in that do you have that and Kim just kind of like looks back and is like yeah I think we can make that work

and I'm like you're a spy and you're a spy he was fine with you having dairy and now you think he should be the next double O yes

and I don't mean this to hurt your feelings. That might be the worst Bond of the week we've ever done. I think Can is going to do great. Can Bond. You think his name is Can? I thought it was Can. Why are we not lambasting him for that? Can Bond.

You're going to change the name of the fucking name? Can Bond. What? Wait, do that again? The name's Bond. Oh. Can Bond. Oh.

Oh. Can. It's a family name. Yeah. Your first name, so Can Junior? Yeah. Got it. Let me ask you guys this uh how many idiots does it take to rob the

gucci store don't act like you didn't have this prepared you looked at your laptop and then you went oh wait until you read it um i'm just wondering how many dumbasses would it take to rob a Gucci store? How many? Nine. Nine idiots. What is going on? Earlier today, the Gucci store in Century City

at the Century City Mall was robbed by nine fools. That was today? Maybe yesterday. And? Doesn't matter. I just wanted you guys to guess Sorry, so there was no joke

It was just, how many does it take? I thought you were going to be like, one, two, watch the door One, da-da-da-da But you just guessed the number I thought it was a conversation starter You thought Did you want us to be like, whoa, that's crazy And you call them idiots So you're just quite upset by this story.

I think that the horse spit loafers stole from the rich and gave to themselves. Mr. Beast is reportedly suing his ghost kitchen partner who makes the Mr. Beast burger. Wow. Because due to reports that the burgers are, according to customers, disgusting and, quote, revolting. So my question to y'all

is what would your ghost kitchen be? Sorry. Yeah. So the question is not like, you know, Mr. Beast has a Mr. Beast burger. What would your burger be? The question is, what would your ghost kitchen be? It's so specific. Yeah, you know, Mr. Beast has a Mr. Beast burger. What would your burger be? The question is, what would your ghost kitchen be? It's so specific.

You're a celebrity. Shut up. I'm not talking about you. Oh, I can't even imagine. Wow. Okay. Oh, wow. Sorry.

My name's Ken Bracewell. I was saying, like, in the event that you guys are like a really famous rich celebrity. Okay. Yeah. Humbled. Tom Holland. No, I'm not saying which celebrity would you be or who you would fuck. Ooh, James Cameron.

Wow. I don't know if you're not hearing me or if you just don't understand. James Cameron's ghost kitchen. Cameron Diaz. James Cameron Diaz kitchen. No, all these celebrities are pairing up with like fucking DoorDash affiliates and making like ghost kitchens where they don't have a storefront,

but they make a product. Oh, that's what a ghost kitchen is. Yeah, yeah. Now, what did you think a ghost kitchen was? Haunted oven. Haunted oven. And that's what I was worried about. And that's what I was worried about.

We rarely do this, but I'm going to take another break. What are you talking about? No way. That was a good joke. You got to end on that. Okay. That was not. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right?

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Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. I have a question. Yeah. I have a question. Okay. What, I'm sure I've asked this in the past, but it's been a while since I've been on this show

and I'm wondering what is it? I was actually also wondering that because it's like we're getting news segment jokes kind of like a weekend update type of vibe but then we're also getting fond of the I'm just I guess like what like the why

like the why of the show. Yeah. And it takes away some of your, and just to pile on. Right. Just to do that. Just to add insult to insult. It takes away some of your sort of evil power to be behind the desk while we're all over here. Yes, completely.

Yeah. I thought it was sort of like Oz-ian. No. I can barely see you because there's a camera and another camera. Do you want to take a picture on your phone and we'll put it in right here? Yeah, you're behind two tripods.

It's difficult to kind of render you. Yeah, sort of a sex pod. Sorry? Double try. Don't look at me after you say something like that. Sorry? Double try. Don't look at me after you say something like that.

I have that one in my show too. I know you do. I added that one the week before I would guest it on Perfect Person and then it was the first sound you played and I was like, holy shit, this is an honor. Great minds. Guys, let's fucking, let's reign it in, right? Let's figure out what your ghost kitchen would be. You see that after such a long silence, we would have nothing to reign in.

Can I say this? Nothing. Because Mel picked a bone with me that I've been picking with the guests for years. She said that the show is, what did you say? It was kind of uncomfortable to listen to? No, it didn't. I mean, it's nothing that no one hasn't said before. It's just the pauses.

And just being so comfortable in silence is what I see. I'm not comfortable with it. This is what I want to talk about. Because I'm constantly preaching overlapping dialogue. But everything that I say seems to pause everyone, stop everybody in their tracks. I want it to be like radio. I want it to be like,

Miles is kind of interrupting the tail end of my sentence. You want it to be like radio i want it to be like miles is kind of interrupting the tail end so my sentence you want it to be like radio there's one i mean sorry you were about to say something i was just gonna say i used to work in radio and if there was a long enough pause the station would start playing a song because it would be like it would be like something's wrong that something hasn't played correctly and it had to be ridiculously long like 30 seconds and one time there was

a minute silence that was I can't remember what it was for but then about halfway through it's Britney bitch and it was just like a moment of silence for someone who had passed yeah crazy whoa

okay so let's try it out let's do 30 seconds of silence right now no let's not no let's just do it you would not be able to handle it let's just do it

and see how it goes let's just see what happens okay alright that's fine how long you can go I'm gonna set a time 30 second time this is the worst segment starting now Takk for ating med. Don't cook rice fine

Singe rice like sand Don't cook rice fine Burn rice like cans No one should ever steam their rice al dente You should scorch it Torch the grains. And if somebody serves you rice al dente, don't feel pressured.

Trash that rice. Don't omakase. So long. Such a long bit. Don't trustakase So long Such a long bit Don't trust the chef Chefs don't know rice Trash rice from chefs I'm in love with Basmati Trash rice from chefs. I'm in love with basmati.

The whole fucking thing. Alright, clarinets, solo. Seared skillets that are cast. It's a rice that feels like sand. So sharp. You made it though. When you hold it in your hands. Don't underchar rice. Don't cook rice fine.

Scald every bite of rice or eat a pear there are so many grains of rice to choose from let me name some no way long grain white rice that's it Let me name some. No way. Bomba rice. That's it. Long grain white rice, brown rice, black rice, and red rice.

Okay. Thai jasmine rice. Tons of grits. Is our grits rice? Grits count as rice. You should singe grits. Poison. Poison.

Dark soy Fish sauce Flamed grain Don't cook rice fine He's guessing. Can you dig it? Don't cook rice fine He's guessing Can you dig it? Don't cook rice fine Don't cook rice fine

And that was a moment of silence for For Jeffrey James For Jeffrey James God may he rest his soul What do you want us to say? I want to talk through the lyrics and get notes on them Jeffrey James. Jeffrey James. God may he rest his soul. What do you want us to say? I want to talk through the lyrics and get notes on them. Yeah.

I mean, I have a lot of notes. Firstly, so long. So long. We've never did a full song. I love that you came in as sort of like a secondary voice, being like, what kind of rise? I'll tell you. It was a call and response. Well, there is like a call and response portion basically at the same time you said it where he's like, don't let me down. I mean, where to start?

One, the reason I was raising my hand during the moment of silence, I just want to double back really quick, is that I would like to see a 30-second moment of silence where you don't have another task to do, where you actually have to sit in a moment of silence without like, oh, I got to pull up. Don't cook rice fine. You know, cue up the music. I get the lyrics. It's like that took up the 30 seconds for you. Sure. And so the reason I was reading my hand was like, hey, cut that shit out.

Let's like literally be in this. Yeah, be in the moment. Yeah. Like sometimes, I need to focus up, but I think sometimes, yeah, you're teeing something up instead of being here right now.

That's what I was gonna say, be here now. Were you gonna say that? Well, it's like Ram Dass. Yeah, he always says that. A lyric I enjoyed, this is me being really nice, was don't trust chefs. Yeah.

I felt like you were making a political point. I like that. And it really, I felt like you believed that when you said it. Don't omakase or like don't. We're going to talk through the lyrics. We don't need to do the whole thing. We'll do the whole thing. We don't need to. We'll do you said it. Don't omakase or like don't. We're going to talk through the lyrics. We don't need to do the whole thing. We'll do the whole thing. We don't need to.

We'll do the whole thing. Don't worry. I think we can sort of give our bullet points and then maybe. I think I just talked through them, you know, real quick. And you guys can talk amongst yourselves. So do the whole song again, basically. Just not do the whole. I'm not going to sing.

Is that what you're worried about? That's not what I'm worried about. Don't cook rice fine. Singe rice like sand. And again, I just want to, and I hate to, this is a bit from how many years, seven years ago? It was last fall.

No. No. You've been doing rice bits for, you've been about a part of seven. Are you talking about Omsby? Whatever the rice situation for you. Three and a half years ago. It's been much longer oh the exactly rice

so five years so it was five years ago to the day that that sort of came into your life and then we're sort of here rehashing I don't like endings don't cook rice fine burn grains from cans

do you think rice comes in a can? Yeah. Don't cook rice fine. Burn grains from cans. Do you think rice comes in a can? There's no way you couldn't find a variety of rice that comes in a can. And when are you singeing sand, by the way? It came in a can. That's a great start. Because then all you have to do is char it. I want, for like a special episode I want you to

cook rice the way you describe it in your music scraping scraps singeing sand singe the sand you know whatever the fuck

you talk about and I want you to eat it and I want you to put hoisin dark soy fish sauce the whole shebang a lot of sauce

a lot of sauce while you scream don't trust ships. Yeah. The beautiful performance art piece. Well, that's the thing. I mean, because you're not going to get that char. You're not going to get those grits unless you use a ton of sauce with a lot of sweets. Sorry?

Sort of foreshadowing, because the next one we do might be also incorporating sugar. The next one we do? We do. You mean the next song that you sing on this show? No one should ever steam their rice al dente. That's crazy. I have that tattooed. That's so weird that you mentioned that.

You should scorch it. Torch the grains. Again, you are pausing, I guess, for us to say good job. I've had something caught in my throat for a while. It's not COVID. Be right back. I'm going to go just like figure this out really quick. Yeah.

And you're sure you don't just need a break? No, I'm positive. She says it's not COVID and then she says she's positive. I think it says it. Got it. Jeff is now in the dark because he's sort of

alone. No more seeing me, I guess. The other cameras are on? Yep. Because I need to make sure that I'm on. Yours turned off? And if somebody serves you. You're just extremely blurry. It's just like. They were all out of focus, which makes no sense because

no one is ever sitting in an area that's not these chairs. So it should theoretically never be out of focus. Right. Exactly. That's like. What did I miss? You were gone for like two seconds. You were gone for so brief a moment. Did you clear your throat? Yeah.

Yes. Because I didn't want to be on mic. That's fine to be on mic. It's okay to clear your throat. No, you wouldn't have wanted to hear that one. That was a hack. He did like a seven minute song about burning rice. I don't think we need to worry.

And if somebody serves you rice. You don't think we need to worry. And if somebody serves you rice You said you weren't going to sing it again. That was talk singing. That's halfway. But not all the way. No, that's what

you were doing. The song you talk sang. If I sing if I say that I'm abstaining from sex for a summer I feel like I can kiss people.

Sorry. What the fuck is wrong with you? Don't. If some and if somebody serves you rice al dente, don't feel pressured. Trash that rice. What are we doing right now? We heard the fucking song.

We don't have anything to say about it other than what we've already said. Is this the last segment? Are you trying to pad time until the end? are you trying to pad time until the end I'm trying to pad time we got there your camera's still off we don't need to see me for now

you're the main character don't omakase don't trust the chef as a podcast producer take out your phone cannot can't bond As a podcast producer, take out your phone. Cannot. Can't? Can't.

Won't. Can't bond. Won't? Can't. No, because the file's going to be like 18 gigabytes. Turn on the camera. Turn on the webcam. Because you guys weren't here when Melanie saw that I was like trying to set this camera up and it was like a fucking headache.

We're already recording. I just want to push through. They don't need to see me. We did a bunch of these without a producer cam where I was behind the desk and it was fine don't omakase don't trust the chef chefs don't know rice trash rice from chefs hearing it after you've sung it is like you're kind of putting like a slam poetry angle on it trash rice yeah it's really that's what he's waiting for. That's those pauses of like... I'm in love with basmati, seared in skillets that are cast.

It's a rice that feels like sand when you hold it in your hands. Don't under-char rice. What's the point of this segment? Of the speaking it after you've sung it? I'm putting together an album of these songs. So? So I'm premiering them as demos

and trying to get notes on the lyrics. You guys aren't giving many, which I'm assuming means it was perfect. When you hit hoisin, I got chills. In a good way. In a good way. I thought that was like, if you could add more of that energy.

Okay, so you want me to really go for it. I thought that was really good. Don't under char rice. Don't cook rice fine. Scald every bite of rice or eat a pear. Okay. I guess like for you, so it's,

you're cooking, the way you want rice to be cooked. I'm cooking. That's exactly right. I'm cooking in the studio. The way you want rice to be cooked. I'm cooking. That's exactly right. I'm cooking in the studio. The way you want rice to be cooked is to your taste. Exactly right. And that's just burnt?

Charred, yeah. Carbonized. Okay. Carbonized. Basically, I want the grains to be cauterized thus. Is that fair to say? No. Got it.

There are so many grains of rice to choose from Let me name some Bamba rice Long grain white Rice, brown rice, black rice And red rice Thai jasmine rice Tons of grits

I think that's my favorite bit That's your favorite runner That's our favorite runner Is all of that and ending with tons of grits. Just a lot of different types. None of the other ones had any volumetric measurement. Grits count as rice. You should singe grits.

Poison. Dark soy. Yeah, see that. I really like the eerie nature of that. It's really haunting. Fish sauce. Flamed grains. I feel like we're the judges on The Voice, but we can't turn out chairs.

For some reason, he also is behind a desk. We're forced to look here. Yes, I agree. Don't cook rice fine. For some reason, he also is behind a desk. We're forced to look here. Yes, I agree. Don't cook rice fine. Don't cook rice fine. He thinks that he's on all of our teams, and we're like, shit, shit, shit. Can you dig it?

Don't cook rice fine. Great. What's next? How long did it take you to write? That was like an hour. Feels like an appropriate amount of time. Yeah, it's about right yeah exactly Wax what do you guys want to talk about? Well the energy spoiled the energy spoiled. I just sang for you that was

exhausting Because I feel like we did it twice. I feel like I'm dreaming Okay, can I ask you guys this yeah after. After I sang it, the energy was maybe still there? Yeah. Poison brought me back. Maybe, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you actually have, like, you don't have a bad voice. No, you actually do have a good voice. You're hitting those notes. It's not insufferable. And then we talked through the lyrics, and now the energy has sucked out of it. A hundred percent. Okay, so should I sing it again? No.

No. Definitely don't. Okay. Cue it up. Choose one. Good one to choose. We've really gotten somewhere, but it's hanging on by a thread. I really need you guys to come through for me right now

with the overlapping dialogue, the radio style, so that there isn't those long pregnant pauses for no reason where we're not getting anywhere right so like let's talk about some shit let's dive into some earnest topics uh i almost said fish got indicted trump got indicted i want to hear about this fish it feels like a pretty good... Fish got the band fish. Yeah, the band is all in jail. Sure or yeah? Well, I... Sure or yeah?

So Trump got... When does this... Does this come out on Friday or does this come out next Friday? Next Friday, yeah. So the news will sort of be... Stale, yeah. Stale.

You're not even from the country. We're still talking about those Gucci bags that were stolen. Yeah. By nine people. Big news. stolen. Yeah. By nine people. Big news. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, is the night winding down? Because it is like 840. Are we getting into a nightcap territory? Is this you hitting on someone at a bar? That was so sad. Okay, so is the night winding down? Do we want to do a nightcap territory? Are we getting into nightcap? Okay, so let's do that. We'll do winding down? Do we want to do a nightcap territory? Are we getting into nightcaps?

Okay, so let's do that. We'll do three different scenarios. It's a fun little game, a little improv game where I'm hitting on each of you guys individually at a bar, and we just see how it goes. All right, sure. Let's start with Miles. Okay. But you have to start with that, and then see where it goes from there.

You have to start with— No, I think they all have to be organically blank canvas. Okay, sure. Blank canvas starting from scratch. Do we know each other? Or is this... We've... I'm walking up to you.

We have not talked yet. Okay, got it. Is that a dirty... Is that a dirty Shirley? What a whirling dervish. Is that a dirty Shirley? Sorry. Sorry, are you trying to get to the bar?

I'm trying to get to the bottom of your drink. What the fuck? Because you, my friend, are sort of a tall drink of water. Is it a dirty Shirley? That's so nice. That's really nice of you. Or is it a whirling dervish? What? Sorry, you keep sort of talking.

You're talking when I'm talking. I don't know what you're saying, but I'm just waiting for some friends. I'm kind of wondering if your drink, that's all I'm wondering. what you're saying, but I'm just waiting for some friends. I'm kind of wondering if your drink, this is all I'm wondering. Are you okay? He's blacked out drunk. Is it a whirling dervish or is it a Shirley Turley?

I don't know. Because we can spike that up real nice. I definitely don't want you to spike my drink. No, not with alcohol, with the mood of our conversation. Okay, shoot your alcohol, with the mood of our conversation. Okay, shoot your shot, young buck. I'm nervous as hell. Don't tell me that.

Makes you so unattractive to me. I don't live close. What say you and I take it all the way back to Marina Del Rey? I don't want to go to Marina Del Rey tonight. I have dance in the morning. We can meet in the middle at a hotel that I'll pay for. That is really, really too much.

You're kidding. I'm kidding. This has been fun, but I'm just going to close out. I'm married, sweetheart. Nice shot, though. Nice try. I didn't. Same.

That was awesome was It was Awesome It was beautiful Shoot you shot young I think that was PTA-esque And I don't mean the filmmaker I mean parent teacher

Attendance Yeah Mel Now's your chance You're in Hollywood Now's my chance Great How'd you like this?

I'm gonna go to the double on you That I can crop down to a single This is real footage This is real footage What are you talking about? We're doing a scene, the camera's on you If it goes well, add it to your reel Well here's the problem

We don't have your side It's a sample It's a fucking monologue sample with dialogue. I'd like to just, I'd like to, before you start the scene, so Miles and Jeff were strangers. Sure. This scenario, you have like, you've both like seen each other around this place before. And it's like you've caught each other's eye, but this is the first time speaking. It's like someone out of, it's not like fully out of the blue.

It's like, okay. Yeah, right. Maybe could this be a little something speaking it's like someone it's not like fully out of the blue it's like okay maybe could this be a little something let's find out sure okay Bailey right sorry I'm so good

oh sorry I didn't mean to do you want me to only talk when you're not sipping no that's alright no it's just

I'm just enjoying my drink sorry I'll leave you to it did you say something insane I've never been more good actually that was I'm just enjoying my drink. Sorry. I'll leave you to it. End scene. I've never been more good, actually. That was great.

That was beautiful. Yeah. And then... Your glass is really empty. Okay, and now, Riley, you and I are good friends. And... I don't know. Is this the scene? No, that doesn't know. Was this

the same? That doesn't work. I feel like it works better if we're strange. Are you trying to reassure yourself? That was positive affirmation. We're good friends.

Is that fair to say? That was in context to nothing. That was in context to nothing. Can we disagree on that? Yeah. I think you guys

are strangers. Miles, you set up the scene but I do want the kicker to be that Melanie and the same character that you guys are strangers. Miles, you set up the scene but I do want the kicker to be that Melanie and the same character that you were just at. You have to come in

and interrupt at some point. Yeah, I like that. It's 10 p.m. at a natural wine mixer. At a heavy natural wine mixer. Okay. Like a young Hollywood mixer where you try to network?

Sure, yeah. So it's like an industry moment but you think the moment might be that you're gonna hook up okay i want you to start the scene okay that's a great pickup line actually genuinely yeah i want you to start the scene just start the scene oh i get it because i'm an actor and yeah and so it's no have a good night have a good night have I seen you in anything? you approached me

and asked me to start a scene start a scene yeah I mean I'm normally more modest than this but you've probably seen me in a couple things I'm like all over HBO

sorry Max right now. What do you do? What do you do? Oh, I don't know. I actually, because this is the- You don't know? No, I do.

I just, this is a young Hollywood mixer, and you're like the 19th actor I've talked to. Some directors, some producers, some writers. And so what do you do? I'm a union man. Which union? PGA, WGA, SAG? CGA.

What is that? Call Girls of America. That's cool. Yeah, so I've been told that my voice could get even the most arid woman sopping. What do you guys have going on? What do you want to point the people to? The floor is yours. Let's start with calling this episode, by the way.

HeadGum After Dark, probably okay that's really good i don't like unless you guys want to like pitch no i was just curious plug your shit miles uh you can watch perfect person wherever you get podcasts you can watch it on youtube um and you can follow me at Miles Bond. Sorry, I'm just realizing how much head space you had in this frame. Is it, tell me when to stop. Stop.

That's so fucked. No way. You've been sitting there the whole time and like you're behind the desk, you're directing this. Why does everybody think I'm directing this? You guys are. You are. You are like we're participating in a share of joy.

You're the technical director, man. You're on set. I was like, where? Jeff hasn't left his trailer in hours. Jeff, you're the director. We're participating in a share of joy. You're not. You're in your trailer, and we can see by the way it's shaking that you're wanking.

Melanie, plug your stuff I'm on Instagram and TikTok I'm either Melodoodle Or Melanie Bracewell on everything So try them both If you want Rylance I'm Riley Anspa

Instagram Riley Coyote on Twitter And I am Review Review on the HeadGum Network. It's an improv comedy podcast. Don't know if you could tell from my amazing improvisational comedy I did on this show this evening. No TikTok. I honestly mostly use my TikTok to watch Miles' TikTok. That's very sweet.

Now what? Such a long pause. That was for you to take. Yeah. Take this. Be shy. Everyone who listens to this, I think already follows me.

So I don't, there's nothing to plug. I just, let's end it. I thought you were making TikToks. Let's go. Let's go get a drink. Yeah. That's so arrogant

That was a Hidgum Original