The Headgum Podcast - 166: Tony Zero

Episode Date: August 18, 2023

Amir, Marika, and Anya join Geoff to read some YouTube comments about the show and complain about automotive balderdash. Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify Join the Headgum DiscordSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Well, that's just awesome. When you were what? When I was little. My mom was driving a van and someone hit us. You don't remember that at all? No.

Like the car spun over. Yeah, the car fully did a 360 turn in the air and landed normally. Oh my god. We should say that your mom's car was a cat. It's that cat bus. That's a thing, right? It's like cat dog. Alone in the world.

Glad you guys are still alive. Thank you. Not to know about an emergency, but when I drive recently, my hamstring is tight. And that ain't right. I guess so. What the hell was that? What?

You said, because we were about to start recording the show. Well, I didn't think that you'd cut me off. I thought I'd have like a minute to exhale before we launch right into it. What we do have to do is adjust the cameras. Diaphragmatic breathing. It was very meditative.

We've never had this. Can you shut the fuck up? You've never had this? Can you shut the fuck up? You say that a lot. Did you focus any of the cameras? Here's the thing, right? No one's ever sat this far away from each other.

So what? So I want to get into why you guys feel so diametrically opposed, physically and emotionally. I think that's like the optimal layout. Yeah, it's a balanced approach. That's what I was going to say. It's a balanced approach. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it's because, I think it's because, well, actually, you could be one further away. And then that's really balanced. I think it's because yesterday, Amir came in, we hadn't seen each other in a while.

I was talking to Pyle about some wiring in the studio. And I said, Amir, we're talking. And then he left, and after that, it wasn't, like, we couldn't get back, like, we couldn't shake it.

That did happen, but that's not why you're not sitting in the seat. Why was Pyle there? Pyle was in LA. He was helping us set up a network or something. Then what did I do it for? You were an awesome first pass, and we love the rough draft, to be sure. Every great story starts with an outline. And then Pyle was sort of the closer.

I saved him cash. You sent Pyle cash? No, I saved the company cash by being his proxy, and he just flew out anyway. I think he didn't fly out for that. He flew out for something else. And then in addition to that, he had this radar thing. Did you around. He had this like radar thing.

Did you see that? I saw the radar thing. Yeah, it was like a, it was. It was kind of like a metal detector, but for Wi-Fi signal. So he was like walking around like this, being like, it's not strong here. It's not strong here.

And he almost was like remapping the whole server. No. No. You don't get to join this. You weren't here. We do have a new server. That I did set up. Let's be clear.

He set up, Kyle also set up a application on there called like Grand Exchange. What does it say? What does it say? It says, oh, this is a draft of an email from Marty to me that I'm fired.

Okay. Anyways, it's like a program. I'm just imagining Marty coming into the studio to draft an email. Didn't send it. Sitting down at the big computer. His isn't big enough.

He's there squeaking up a storm. He can't handle the arena. You know what I mean? We might not have his salary, but at least we can handle the bulls. We can run with them. Of course. It's okay to smile and enjoy what I'm saying.

We will if it's enjoyable. I was smiling. I can't see Marika, that we should say. And I can't see Jeff. It's on this screen. And I can barely see anyone. I that we should say. And I can't see Jeff. And I can barely see anyone. I'm just mostly looking at myself. I'll take a picture. Yeah.

It's really disturbing. Yeah, Marika's right sort of. So she's sort of like hovering over my desk, like with her arms on my shoulders, being like, what are all the bullpen people talking about? That's kind of what Marty does. Yeah, but she can't see you. Yeah.

And you can't. Amir's on his phone. That's a bad attitude. It's a bad layout. Yeah. People didn't really like, and by people I mean Marika, the study hall episode that came out last week. You guys haven't even heard it because it hasn't come out yet. What is that?

Well, what happened? Well, basically it was the study hall episode, right? heard it because it hasn't come out yet. What is that? Well, what happened? Well, basically it was the study hall episode, right? So it was like, everyone was supposed to kind of bring in a piece of information or a subject and kind of enlighten the others. So more like show and tell. In a way,

yeah, but in regards to like study hall. When Jeff says this, what do you think he means by people were supposed to bring in things during the recording? Can I take a guess? Yeah. No, I think it was No, I think it was a 10-minute buffer. I think he gave you a 10-minute window

to come up with something for his. That's really generous, but he did it in the recording, in fact. And we also didn't do it. This all being said, no one really understood the assignment. Well, the assignment... The assignment.

No one really gave an assignment. Well, the assignment. The assignment. No one really gave an assignment, I guess. Was that Jeff just decided to read a Wikipedia article? Wiki roulette we did. It would be a good idea for us to all bring a PowerPoint. I was going to say we should do a slideshow. But you have to tell people ahead of time. That's the part I don't understand.

I feel like we're not really agreeing there. You're like, it's improv. Yeah, we're supposed to be. Everyone should be as ill-prepared as you, basically. There's a certain energy this episode is already having that that one didn't have. And I don't want to put it all on Pyle, Marika, and the fourth guest. Who was the fourth? Who was it, Marika? Casey.

Donahue? You're surprised? You recorded it three days ago. Casey participated, I think. Marika was sour. Pyle wasn't. Oh, Marika's choking.

You made her choke. She's coughing. That wasn't funny enough to choke on your DC. No, I just don't know what happened. I inhaled too fast. What? I inhaled too fast what i inhaled too fast i breathed bad um people didn't like that episode though so this one has a little bit more of a come out yet it has no the audience is gonna love it i think it added together people people isika, Andrew, and Donahue. So I thought this one would, you know, we'd bring a little bit more meat on the bone for us to sort of suck off.

Don't. The wing. The fucking, you know, the flank. You ever have a bone in flank? How about a bone in your body? I thought you were talking about the women's club. No, people loved that episode. We'll never be able to replicate that.

What episode was that? Oh, the women's episode. The all-women episode. When they were all on the couches looking at you. That was good energy. That was a fun one. Marika's lucky she didn't have to look at you when you said meet off the bone. We had to make eye contact.

And Marika blissfully. So true. Kind of went another dimension. Yeah, it's coughing. So I thought that we could read some reviews from Apple Podcasts. Because we've always talked about wanting to do this. We've never done it. I'm horrified.

So do you guys want to do that now, or do you guys want to do that after the break? Maybe wax a bit? Just do it now. You set it up. You walked us to the edge of the fucking bit. Bond of the week. So we're not doing it?

Not yet. The reviews. The what? Bond of the Week. So we're not doing it? Not yet. The reviews. The what? I don't know. Fucking Skarsgård. Peter Skarsgård. Wow. Peter.

Yeah. Peter Sarsgård. Yeah. Peter Sarsgård. Yeah. That's pretty good. For no reason. Yeah.

Which one's Peter? He's not one of the brothers. he's not a Skarsgård you're not getting it you're really not getting it don't unrelated to the Skarsgårds that we know

yeah he's just a he's a Skarsgård but it's actually Skarsgård no K got it Peter

so the brothers are Skarsgård Skarsgård and he's a Skarsgård correct yeah what do you guys think I don't know who that is I And he's a SARS guard. Correct. Yeah. What do you guys think?

I don't know who that is. I think he's... You probably do. He doesn't have enough meat on the bone to suck off. I was going to say jawbone. No. Sorry. I like him, but I don't think he's got it. He's Bond. Okay.

I think he could be a good Bond villain. Correct. That's what I was going to say No it's not Amir I'm going to Fast I'm not going to promote a struck project I'm not going to talk about this

You're not even in solidarity With the unions I don't think you're in the unions though I'm not in them but I have solidarity with them And I'm not going to promote a struck project. This project doesn't even exist, though. We're talking about like a theoretical. I don't even know what project you're talking about,

because if I say the word, it's promoting it. Bond? I don't know. So what do you invest in? Stocks. Securities. Mutual funds. ETFs. Edge funds. Vanguard's. I've never even heard of that one Mutual funds ETFs

Vanguard I've never even heard of that one Vanguard? ETFs That's like an index fund ETFs are They're cool I think that one

Is sort of a mutual fund Thoughts? I think that's my favorite Scene in the Barbie movie Where Ryan Gosling's realizing that the world is a patriarchy. The world is a patriarchy.

Specifically talking about the scene where I think it's Scott Evans Ken character is just explaining bonds and CDs to someone. Are you not going to tell everyone? What?

Oh my god. You hooked up with the Ken guy? Ryan Gosling? No, there's like 80 Kens in the movie. That's a little joke. Wait, what is happening? Are you not going to tell them? We sat in front of them.

Yeah, we sat in front of Scott Evans, Chris Evans' brother, and all of his friends. Scott Evans? Yes. He was just talking about him. He was Ken in the, one of the Kens in the Barbie movie. Wow.

Oh. Yeah, he doesn't care. He seems awful. He seems awful. Like, Chris Evans is pretty boring looking, but like hot. That's, fuck off. Let's move on. His skin looks like hot. Fuck off. Let's move on. His skin looks like milk.

I mean, he's always been the least attractive of the Hollywood A-listers that people say are hot to me. His brother looks like the same but not nice. Chris at least looks like a good person. You're a bad person.

You're a bad person. Because I said suck meat off the bone. That wasn't good, but that was honestly number 1,000 in a laundry list of things that suck meat off the bone. That wasn't good, but that was honestly number 1,000 in a laundry list of things that sucked. Name three things I've done that sucked. You said you called Chris Evans skin milky. That was just now. You said his brother looks like a bad person.

I think he does. He looks like somebody that would make someone uncomfortable at a party. But what I'm saying is the list of things that are bad about you. Right. You said that out loud. Okay, but that's nothing. That's a lot. Because what I'm saying is the list of things that are bad about you. Right. I said that out loud. Okay, but that's nothing. That's a lot. Because you can say anything.

Yeah. Say anything. It's a good band. No, I'm serious. I can't see Jeff so like I have no idea how he's reacting to stuff.

Head in hands. What are the worst things Jeff's ever done? In the last few weeks you had a bunch of us come into the office to record a podcast and you just didn't show up. And then you said, I'm sorry I spaced or something. You constantly dox people and yourself

and sometimes forget to edit it out. You send me food and don't tell me, so it just rots on my... Food waste, yeah. Food waste plus ant problem infestation. Pests in a house that you own. Exactly. So you would have to fumigate.

You can't just move. It's disgusting. The ads team emails me every week because you forget to do something correctly when you upload an episode. That's true. You do forget to... You forgot what I just went over

teaching you about how to... What did you just go over teaching me? Looking at me. Sorry. You forgot everything I taught you about how to upload the Hedgen podcast So I keep having to fix episodes that you upload Meaning? I did genuinely forget

So why don't you teach me right now so I will do it right this week I feel like this is a teachable moment It's not a teachable moment I feel like it's a preachable moment No, it's a preachable moment It's a teachable moment during the show. The moment where she taught him was a teachable moment. It's so true. Sometimes it takes a while to take.

Yeah, it doesn't stick. If you weren't funny, you'd be the worst person ever. You'd have no redeeming qualities. He'd be a zero. That's not true. When I was sick, he asked how I was feeling. That's very thoughtful. I was sick he asked how I was feeling that's very thoughtful that was an automated text

that was scheduled months before to actually put you ill at ease and I'm trying to come to your defense I don't know why and yesterday

I apologized to him privately for ignoring him by accident and being mean to him in the company slack and he said I didn't have to apologize

for either that was pretty nice not really you ignored him in the company Slack and he said I didn't have to apologize for either. That was pretty nice. Not really. You ignored him in the company Slack? No, I ignored him, his text, and then I was mean to him a little bit in the company Slack. Oh, but that's his Slack attitude is like to be antagonistic and mean.

So it's nice that you play along and prod him back. Yeah, sometimes I feel like it goes too far. He wants it to be on his terms and I feel like as soon as you kind of step out of that. He needles and needles and then you like go back and now you're apologizing to him. It's kind of messed up. I was going to say maybe we do needle for lunch. He needles.

He needles. Yeah. Like I need the train fun. Such an inside joke. Well, I kind of want to introduce the idea of needle because it's the new Omsby. It really is. Yeah. Only it's actually good.

That's the difference, yeah. Omsby was kind of bad, yeah. Because Omsby, we should, just for those who don't know. Actually, it's me. I don't know. Thick onigiri balls. Three inches in diameter. Rice triangles rounded to the point where they're not even a triangle.

Yeah, it was sort of a sphere of rice. Imagine a grapefruit of rice, but instead of seeds, it's a chunk of tuna. It was a triangle of badness. I would say that there's three components. Rice, fish, and mayo. Did this start the rice? This was the origin of rice, I think. Because we used to say exactly rice.

It was the onigiri of the whole rice story. So yeah, there were three components. Rice, fish, mayo. No, I understand. And, you know, I think at most you could get away with like a Negroni split. Like one to one to one. Negroni? You know, like Negroni is like sweet.

We're getting away from the point. Basically, I— Oh, I see what you're saying. Like a ratio. Yeah, it would be like, let's say 50% rice. I thought you got Onigiri wrong. No. Oh, Negroni.

It's a rice-based drink. Rice-aroni, an Onigroni. It's a Negroni with sake. Rice-a-roni, an onegroni. It's an onegroni with sake. No, I think it should be like 50% rice, 35% fish, 15% mayo. This was nothing near that. This was like 80%—no, this was like 60% rice, 39% mayo, 1% fish. It was absolutely vile.

So needle, by contrast, is good. Completely different food though, right? Completely different place. That's true, but it has rice. We've eaten at Needle. It's very good. We had a good time. Yeah, we had Needle.

Jeff wasn't there. I've never been there. Never been. And I like, yeah. It took over my favorite restaurant in LA LA so I'm pretty bummed about that which was what Oakberry? we've also been over this on the podcast before it was called

Weekend Noodles oh the pho place it wasn't really pho no you know I always say Oakberry being your favorite restaurant in LA would be so iconic the worst I've ever had. What do you guys fear most at the moment? Are we going to do the podcast?

We're going to do it after the break, man. Oh my God. I'll try and give my bond of the week. I didn't either. You said Scott Evans. No, I didn't. Oh. My Bond of the Week is going to be probably the new teacher from Heartstopper Season 2.

I don't remember his name, but I like that he's seen it. I don't know either. Sorry, Marika. I want to pick up this thread with you, but I like that he's seen it. I don't know either. Sorry, Marika. I want to pick up this thread with you, but... No, it's fine. David Tennant. Oh, that's good. Is it?

Well, it's fine. Doctor Who. No. Sure. What were you going to say, Anya? Is he the one from the Olivia Colman murder show? Yes. He's great.

He's great. So good. Great show. What's that one called? Broad Church. We're not allowed to talk about any of this in solidarity with the... That's true, but it's BBC. Does that count?

No. In solidarity with the striking UPS workers, I think we should have a UPS workers bond. I thought they figured their shit out. They're going back and forth still. I see. My buddy used to drive for UPS, James Johnston. Awesome.

So, James Bonston. That's pretty good. It's really good. Is that the SNL person? No, that's James Johnston. That's James Austin Johnston. James Awesome Johnston. This is James Awesome Johnston, my buddy. He was here. He was

just at a Hollywood handbook. So what? I'm just saying he was sitting in this chair. It's kind of fun. Just like you were. Exactly. Once. That's true. Well, I wasn't on their show. They were on your show. Yeah. They never invited me on their show.

Nor will they ever. What are you guys most afraid of in the world right now? What's that? What? Sorry. He's collecting himself. He went like this. What are you most afraid of right now just one thing the most

sort of inherently one thing yeah Sort of inherently one thing Yeah Not necessarily Exhausting doing this show for me too by the way Everybody's exhausted by me He's most afraid of me too No There's no way

Grace I've always proceeded with grace and reverence Tried to treat people with the utmost respect You just said that Chris Evans' skin was milky I don't think that's the utmost respect. I don't think that's a bad thing. Milky? Well, careful. Well, there's different kinds of milk.

What if it looked strawberry milky? Have you guys ever met somebody with a sour milk energy? Ew. What the fuck, Marika? That backfired? That backfired? Couldn't have seen that coming.

Who's your Bond of the Week? Or you already said. I thought I said Sandy. You did not say anyone. We got a chamber break. Sandy? Sandy? Oh, he said Peter Sarsgaard.

A book dropping in a library. Oh, we're coming at him with about half of the show, right? Let's get the energy up. Let's get some reviews. Let's talk about him. Maybe it'll be funny. Maybe we'll all get smiley and happy. You know, this kind of feels like when I was a kid. Why? parents would argue right and i would be like oh my god are they gonna get a

divorce and i'd have to like take two people who look so upset i would have to take two people who look so upset at each other at me and uh you know my dad would go like it's your fault if we break up it's your fault and me just trying to be like hey let's all be happy you know yeah the clown sort of the jester maybe not clown because jester is a job clown is an art i was told once that that's like a younger sibling energy it's like you're the the youngest like in a wolf pack is just there to not create drama you're just like solve it go with the flow with the flow and a lot of it is creating peace and inner harmony. Yeah.

Somebody was trying to explain my personality through that lens. I'm the youngest child. Me too. It's like, oh, you don't ever have a strong opinion because you don't want to ruffle any feathers. No, I do. Yeah, and then you're trying to just make levity and trying to create a carefree attitude in dramatic situations. What he's talking about is middle child syndrome. And it's just that he has middle child energy as a youngest.

Nope. Jeff, are you the baby? Lopsided episode. Boys, the noise. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1, just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every day, no exceptions.

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I'll have my AG1 and then I'll have my coffee. And it gets me set off to take on the day and to be centered and to feel like I did at least one good thing for my health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at

drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. Youngest of five. Not me. Youngest of two. I'm not the youngest of five. Should we get into some reviews? Yeah. Wait, are we all the youngest sibling? Marika, are you?

I guess technically I have I have half siblings and they're older than me yeah so we're all the youngest child that's interesting a bunch of clowns

yeah okay here we go jester's he says this this review is from low817 um

it's low Bosworth first episode is like standing near a group This review is from Low817. It's Low Bosworth. First episode is like standing near a group of HeadGum employees and Jeff and overhearing their conversations. They speak as if we already know who they are, as well as all their friends. Listen to all episodes so far. It doesn't get Jeff-er. There's no structure.

I listened to If I Were You Too, and that podcast revolves around a different format. The lack of grammar and surplus of spelling errors in the HeadGum podcast five-star review says a lot about how funny their demographic is. Jake and Amir are in their late 40s now, right? But they still are young and funny

and I bet most of their fans are under 30. I'm so happy for them. It was written by AI. They also said, and you've got HeyRiddleRiddle on your network. That's amazing. Shout out to HeyRiddleRiddle. I really don't appreciate Marika

hovering over my shoulder, having the Apple podcast pulled up, because I didn't want to include that last sentence. Yeah, I could tell you didn't want to include it, but as the head of marketing, I do want to include it, because we love to give a shout out to other podcasts. Never mind. Honestly, the main point of this podcast is to illuminate different shows on our network. Why doesn't Jeff do that?

Well, he does the opposite. He sort of suppresses it, even when they accidentally find their way. What we're paying him for? I thought so but he's sort of taken the nuclear football and ran away i don't know what that so second review this is titled actually five stars as a women did you read these beforehand it looks like they're shocking you they are so you hadn't read any of these why Why would I do that so you wouldn't get my natural reaction?

Yeah, he's a born performer. Just, yeah, whenever you find skim one that you think is usable. What did it say about women? It was like a second part to the other review. I was going to have to cut it.

I just was doing that to make you guys laugh here right now. Unusable. Here we go. To the core. From nickname is already taken. The title is Jeffrey James, colon. Noun. Jeffrey James is colon?

Not that far off. Noun. A piece of absorbent material wrapped around a person's bottom and between their legs to absorb and retain urine emphases. Folks, I'm being kind here. He thinks I'm a diaper man. But you know what?

He's not wrong because I do kind of catch a lot of shit on this fucking show. That's pretty good. Ooh. Bars. I'm hearing a siren. Is that a siren?

I thought it was like a. They're coming to get me. Marika, we should say. So scary. No, it's like a. That's kind of like unheard of Obviously cut that Okay what even is anything After the break that I've had to cut

So far very little is left By the way I'm going to chop it up It'll all be cut out but it's going to be chopped up not smoothly So people know how much it's been taken out. Exactly. Swiss cheese where it's mostly whole. Is that going to be... Are you writing your own vows at your wedding? Yes.

Really? What did you think? I was going to just take it from a fucking book of poetry or something? Kind of, yeah. Jeff's eyes widened at that. At that idea? Writing your own vows? You're not going to quote, like... What were you going to say? Shakespeare?

I was going to say Chagall, who's a visual artist. Yeah, I'm quoting a stained glass. Artist or... Glass. Got it. Here we go. This is from Birch91.

Oh, I saw your... That, um... What's that place? Mirate. Mirate. Yeah. Weird spot. Weird spot.

It's kind of awesome. You know who else has been there? John Mayer. You know, we walk in through... Have you ever been to Mirate? No. I never even heard of it. Is it new?

It's new-ish. It's Jewish, I think. It's like this very unassuming door next to a Starbucks. Then you walk in and it's like this huge underground. You're like you're already in the overlooking this terrace. I'm like I can't believe this even exists back here. I don't even know what it was before. They let people in their late 40s in?

Oh, they don't actually. I'm 40.5. So very early 40s. It's like he doesn't even read Eater. I do. What's that? I was told that the food there was bad, but the drinks are good. And how was your experience?

That's every place in LA. Is it? I didn't eat there. You had a drink. I got a drink. I would... Can you read the review? Yep.

This is from Birch91. Five stars. No one man should have all that sour. Good. Listening to this feels like I'm trying to cut water with a pair of scissors. Additionally, I'm going to make Jeff drink a non-Gansett beer and watch him wither away like a vampire exposed to direct sunlight. We haven't talked about Gansett in a while. It kind of like was one of those

ambir-sitterships that sort of fades away. You know that kind of ambir-sittership. I feel like you don't drink beer that much anymore. Can you control F the reviews for all of our names? That's not possible. You can't search reviews like it's a text document. Yes, you can.

No, not on Apple Podcast. I just tried. Maybe if I was on the website or something, but I don't really care to open Google Chrome. I feel like we should look at YouTube comments more than Apple Podcast reviews. That's probably smarter. I would say so far we have zero after the break.

It's been a... Maybe the one line about the restaurant. Yeah, but even then it was just like... Yeah, but he mentioned my personal life, so it's going to be gone. Okay. There was... There was one review that was sort of mid that we read. But they did say that you were in your late 40s, which we should keep.

Yeah, that part was funny. Do you think they really think that? I don't think so. Or is that a joke? I think the whole thing was kind of written to be absurd. It's not that far from how old you are. This is really funny. Nine years off, basically.

This is a comment from at122gogreen on last week's episode. I'm here to tell a true story. Last night I had a dream that Jeff was hired to be on SNL. I saw it on his Twitter. He was thanking everyone and said he'd look fondly on the days where he was just Jeffrey the Dumbass. Here's the kicker, though. To mark his debut in the world of show business, he had adopted a new stage name. Tony Zero.

That's pretty good. All right. It's like Tony Clifton, but a zero. That's really funny. Yeah. If that was the case and I was Tony Zero on SNL, you know how they get to choose where in New York they're going to do their intro video?

Yeah. Mine would be like getting a parking ticket. Oh. That's good. I'm like enraged. I thought it was going to be at Zero World Trade Center. That's also pretty good. Ground Zero.

Ground Tony Zero. Is that what it's called? That's really good. Eating a Sparrow pizza over a fucking dumpster. It's me getting grounded at Ground Zero. Oh, God. Like a construction worker shoves me to the ground. I'm going to cough.

It's okay. So far, nothing has been usable after the break, I think. I got the address of One World Trade Center wrong. So we're going to have to cut that. It's definitely not zero. I don't think any address has ever been zero.

It's ground zero, but that's confusing. Yeah, One World Trade and then ground zero. Why wouldn't they call it Zero World Trade? I don't think an address could be zero. Of course it can. I don't think so. Marika? Hmm?

Can an address be zero? Can we get a numbers crunch on that? Okay, here we go. This is from at Mr. Belofa. I love when this podcast... I love when you say that as if we know him. Mr. Belofa. Oh, of course, Mr. Belofa.

They call me Mr. Boomflopfo. Fiffalofo. No. Boom, boom. Never mind. Come on. No, fiffaloloppo. No. Boom, boom. Never mind. Come on. No, I'm going to do a different one. Jesus Christ.

Unusable to the core. Zero percent of this has been good. Tony zero. Tony zero was good, actually. What I'm saying is he's going to try to keep it at zero. Let's see if we can get a zero usable back half of the episode. I'm really curious to hear what

everything after the break will sound like it's gonna sound like some sort of weird choppy nothingness that he created Tony zero and five

below below I'm on last week's episode on YouTube thoughts thoughts is Marika sort of saving your ass I'm on last week's episode on YouTube. Thoughts?

Thoughts is Marika sort of saving your ass. Because you're just sort of silently reading reviews right now. Yeah, I was going to read some comments. Someone said from last week, the are grits rice, grits count as rice, absolute comedic moment of the century wow how does that make you feel jeff of the century well it's obviously hyperbole right they don't actually mean that did you see did you see the clip from yesterday what happened you're gonna have to cut this

did you see really this is from the Burning All The Rice episode Which was the Powerhouse Women episode AlexDH2001 Said there's something so funny about Jeff Being a disembodied voice for most of the pod While the camera is on the women Careful And then cutting to his smug face

Whenever he does a mediocre wordplay How many stars? Oh, this is on YouTube. That's a YouTube comment. God. Amir's in his late 40s. So much silence. It's just a lot.

It's gonna be chop, chop, chop, and then... Yeah, I'll review that. And then silence. From Daddy Tuesday Night. Jeff is like a hot, nasty, scalding man, man. I can't get enough, but I've had enough. He's slime and a dime and definitely past his prime.

Right here, buddy. Cool as shit. Love you, man. He's doing the emoji, the middle finger. You're doing the bad guesting. You know there's a middle finger emoji? Doesn't that seem kind of crass for like the most G-rated thing

that you could put on your iPhone? Yeah, like we have to have a water gun or whatever. Right, but you have a straight up middle finger. That means fuck. That means fuck! Any way you slice it, it's the F word. That means fuck. We've never done this.

But four minutes on the board, it's Amir's druthers. Oh my god yes um yeah uh when you're driving with someone or you're navigating somewhere like on a hike or a ride or whatever some sort of, and somebody recommends going one way and you recommend going another, I find that it's always useful to go their way because whether it's a 50-50 shot,

which one is faster, you can never prove that your way is faster. They can always just call you out on your way being worse. So just, yeah, sure, go your way. If it's slower, I won't mention anything, way if it's slower i won't mention anything and if it's faster than you were right i basically i'm a martyr for this trip and if we go my way and it's slower i'll never fucking hear the end of it oh we should have done the other i should have done the other way i'm in an uber to lax the the his ways or his Google Maps says, take side streets to the highway

halfway to the airport. And he's like, no, trust me, I've been doing this for like five years. This way is faster. I'm like, how do you think you know live traffic? Like, I know you think the fastest way to get there is to get on the highway right here, but Google Maps is saying

that there's a lot of traffic on the highway. So take side streets until there. He's like, all right, whatever you say, boss. I'm like, it's not me. I'm just looking. I trust the technology. I'm not calling you out. By the way, five years is not a long time to be a driver

to the point where you think you know what the traffic will be like on the freeway before we're even there. Furthermore, you get on like these ways, these GPS apps, and it's just like there's a there's a car stopped in point five miles. Is it still there? I don't know. It's half a fucking mile down the road. Do you want me to answer right now? They're giving me the option right now.

They're saying car stopped in point five miles. Is it still there? Yeah, it's still there I'm guessing I don't fucking know it's half a mile down the road ask me when I get there you know what I mean there's no point in like me weighing in now also don't rely on people fucking

looking at the GPS and being like uh yeah hold on let me press if it's here cause I'm still driving how about we're at the point in society and technology that you can get a fucking GPS camera and you tell me if it's still there. And who cares if it's still there? Is a car stopped on the side of the road? Sure.

It doesn't matter. It's not affecting anything. I'm worried about if there's stuff in the road not on the side of the road yeah we drove past a car let me weigh in like it's a fucking online poll this isn't a doodle where I have to weigh in on shit this is a GPS system

just tell me the fastest way to get there also if I'm using Waze and my buddy's using Google Maps it's telling me two different ways to get there didn't Google buy Waze? aren't they using Google Maps, it's telling me two different ways to get there. Didn't Google buy Waze? Aren't they all using the same open source live traffic technology?

Remember when you're listening on the radio and they're like, alright, we got a helicopter up in the air and there's some traffic over here and there's some traffic over there. Are people still flying up in helicopters or are we just like over that? Like, why do we need helicopters at all anymore?

They should all be like diverted. Those funds should go to like fucking fire like men using the helicopters to drop I think water but maybe some sort of like gray sludge debris, whatever the fuck. I guess we're past water even though I see, I still see hydrants everywhere. That's water. Why don't we fill the hydrants up with the gray shit that they drop on

fires? Also, what's the point of trying to contain a forest fire? These things are going hog wild in Canada. Yeah, let me, I think I have a fucking helicopter. I could try to slow it down. No, you can out slow it down. Besides the fucking Texas. You're wasting your

time, your energy, your effort. Those helicopters could be used to tell me the live traffic update or maybe there's a car on the fucking side of the road

you guys can tell me about from your helicopter so I don't have to weigh in while I'm on my, while I'm driving to sort of, you know, cast my vote

as to whether something is on the side of the road or not. I have a pitch. That's how you do it, druthers. Marika, take notes. Okay the side of the road or not. I have a pitch. That's how you do it, Druthers. Marika, take notes. Okay, first of all, fuck off. That's not the spirit

of Druthers. That's a rant. Absolutely, it's the spirit of Druthers. I have a pitch. Go to break. Come back from break, just cut to that. Just start with him. Just cut this and keep everything else in. Sort of the reverse reverse what we expected.

That's harder for Grace because there's so many more cuts we have to make. But I think we should come back with Amir talking about being in an Uber and having like a battle of wills between him and the Uber driver. Who's your buddy that you're driving in tandem with who's taking Google Maps and you're driving in tandem with who's taking

google maps and you're taking ways yeah like uh if we're both leaving like uh on a on a trip oh we're not recording or no this the ssd just finished holy shit that's never happened i've never even tried to check take. Take the blue one that says audio. So it said like 39 minutes left when you started. When did it stop? Just now. Oh, okay. Wow, it's a good thing you caught it.

I was really hoping none of the second half was in. Or the first half was in. Or the first half to. Oh. This is going to be a load to edit. For me. Yeah. But you're saying it's not for Friday. It's for a week from Friday.

Week from Friday. Friday's is already uploaded. Look at that. That's really. I'm really proud of you. It was so hot in my apartment last night. I didn't get. I didn't get to sleep until 5am

Do you have an AC? I do And it was still too hot? It's like a really old AC I don't think it works very well I need to replace it But I'm on the 18th floor I'm not

I just don't want people to know anything It's high up We also didn't ask. What is this? Specific. I don't mean we didn't. You like walk yourself into these. Also, wasn't it cooler than like 70 degrees outside?

Like, couldn't you have just opened a window? It wasn't that hot overnight. I'm here taking your shoes off. Is that okay? Ugh. So about your thing wait are we back?

I was with you like the episode started off fine and then it has wobbles and just like a Jenga tower exploded all over our laps we had like

there's nothing left two months of solid episodes maybe like six weeks and then starting with Pyle there's been a demise don't say that while we're still recording. We can solve it. We're taking time. Okay.

How do we turn it around, I guess? I think it's on Marika. She's been saying nothing. You just said that the hard drive stopped. You gave no indication that we were back. I clapped. I synced. I can't see you. I can't see anybody. I can't see anybody.

I'm looking at myself. You're in a lot of other podcast records, right? Yeah. Do they go like this? No, but they usually have a plan. Really? Or. You spent half of the episode

skimming reading reviews to yourself. And it was crazy because he wasn't like, oh, I have to find one and just like picked. You really sat there. I'm fucking starving. And the pick were awful, unusable. Yes. We're not going to use any of it. Maybe Tony Zero.

Tony Zero I love. We'll come back from the break. We'll use Tony Zero. Drop the zero, get with the hero. And then Amir's druthers. But that means that we have to wax for another 40 minutes. I think that we have to call that something else besides Amir's druthers. But that means that we have to wax for another 40 minutes. I think that we have to call that something else besides Amir's druthers. That's not the spirit of druthers.

That's the spirit of druthers. That's always been the spirit of druthers. It's not the spirit of druthers. Well, it's the spirit of druthers. Did you say what is? He was talking about if he had his druthers, things would be different. That's Amir's druthers. No.

First of all, he didn't say if I had his druthers, things would be different. That's Amir's druthers. No. First of all, he didn't say if I had my druthers. He was just ranting about various traffic concepts and I guess gray sludge that they pour on fires and how that should be in fire hydrants. Yeah, did you guys, what did you guys agree with the most and what did you guys disagree with the most oh i can start so i was with you at the top yeah we're like which i think is a little sibling energy where you're like i'm just going to keep the peace and do what the person next to me is suggesting because if they're wrong it's on them right and i get to be able to

feel a little bit superior exactly but then it turned out that that's like a conversation and like a battle of wills that you're having with an Uber driver, which is scary. Well, I was sort of flying all over the place. But sometimes I do. I will get an Uber driver that wants to override the GPS because he thinks he knows best. And you are having like a...

And I'm just like, there's no way you can know what the traffic is like. Do you say this to him? No, I'm like, can you just stick to the can know what the traffic is like do you say this to him? no I'm like we already did this speaking of Uber drivers I got served

a compilation video today of all of Jake's Mr. Uber driver stories oh that's good holds up

wow really they're so funny a character based on a filter that Snapchat used to have. His name? No. Leslie.

Leslie. Great name. A British dandy. So why were you the Uber driver? I don't know. Sometimes I wasn't even driving. You guys ever get Uber drivers that want to driver. I don't know. Sometimes I wasn't even driving. You guys ever get Uber drivers that want to eschew

the GPS, the navigation? They're like, because they know better. I get Uber drivers that are like, which way do you want to go, sir? Right. And then you say just the GPS or you're like, alright, let me fucking hardwire into my ass and I'll tell you which way to go. I'm in the front seat. You're in the front. I'm pointing left, right,

center. You're telling them to switch lanes. Yeah, I'm telling the front seat. You're in the front. I'm pointing left, right, center. You're telling him to switch lanes. Yeah, I'm telling him to get gas for some reason. Yeah, he's on the hood

of the car. Yeah, I'm like gripping the like fucking thing on top that you can like put. Yeah. I had a.

Lord, give me the strength. Why don't you guys lead some shit for once? I don't know. I'm out of ideas. Yes, for now. I have other ideas that the network keeps saying, oh, we don't have the money.

I'm like, can I put some money into it of my own money? And they're like, no, we can't let you do that. I'm like, I don't understand that at all. It's the same as just talking and having a plan for an episode. Also, I will say that if you're pitching something to someone, this is just a little bit of free advice. You're pitching something to someone and they say, we don't have the budget for it.

And then you say, I'll pay for it myself. And they still say no. That's them politely saying, we don't want to do it. The idea is so... No, because Katie said they want to do it. Yeah, to be clear, that's not true. Okay, okay. This is fucked up.

First of all, why is this the first time... This is unprecedented, yeah. Why is this the first time we're all taking each other seriously on this? I have ideas to break the mold. Marika comes to Jeff's defense for no reason. That was unprecedented behavior. For no reason. That was incredible.

Jeff knows I'm kidding yeah I want to make two things happen this fall I literally can't even see your face right now I only see your legs and there's no indication

it's holding the show back at this point it's just funny it's funny that you're saying I'll pay we can't afford it and then you're saying I'll pay for it

and people are still saying no it's really not that expensive I don't understand it at all at this point I'm going to do it, and then you're saying I'll pay for it, and people are still saying no. It's really not that expensive. I don't understand it at all. At this point, I'm going to do it myself, and then we'll do it live. What's an example of something that you want to pay for? I can't say it to you. Jeff, we'll talk about this offline. We'll talk about it offline.

I just am upset. You already know we're going to do it. Every week. No, I don't. Yes, you do here we go Casey Donahue in the studio and he doesn't look happy

get him in here he's giving me the wrap it up it is almost one for what who's coming in at one we have a studio tour someone's coming

with who not telling well I'll bleep it bleep it who's coming in at one can you save the show the episode's been a fucking wash. Actually, you said the last episode that Casey was on was awful.

Yeah, but I said that was because of Pyle. I don't think we can arm your mic midway through. It's already armed. I knew this would happen. Yeah. He's been wasting SD space just for you. We actually ran out during the episode. Has that ever happened before?

Well, you used to run out of episodes. That's true. You used to like sprint out of the studio, leave the Zoom early. In the pandemic, you would leave the Zoom every time at like the 20 minute mark. Yeah, this podcast. I've never run out of space in the middle of an episode because I check to make sure

I have enough space before I start recording. Already coming in with the heat. How long into this are you guys? Stop. We have to go. Donna Hugh to the rescue.

Take it away you ever get an Uber driver that says shut the fuck up shut the fuck up wow you don't realize how off base that reaction was

like I haven't been bringing that up he talked about it for four minutes with an Amir's druthers minutes with an Amir's druthers. It's not Amir's druthers. And then Marika's trying to tell me what druthers is. That's what the segment has always meant to be. And Marika's never

done it that way. I'll just explain the energy in the room. Usually it's all of us kind of against Jeff and everyone's having fun. It's every man for himself. It's every man for himself today. Do you see this? I'm trying to fill Casey in.

Adam nowhere. Adam nowhere. I'm back on Anya's side. I just did it once. It was just cool to see. And now I'm mad at Jeff again because he's saying that my druthers are wrong. For years, I've said Marika's druthers seven minutes on the board,

basically like rant, go off, queen. And you never have. That's never, you've never said rant, go off, queen. And then I did it for Amir once. And then Amir nails it. Actually, you can almost argue that this is Marika's druthers right now. You had overlapping dialogue with yourself. I've never seen that.

That was unbelievable. That's not the spirit of Marika Struthers. Marika Struthers has evolved and become sort of just uncertain conversation starters that go nowhere because nobody actually wants to talk about them or they're being silenced by Jeff. I'd like to see you try to do a Marika Struthers, actually. What Amir just did was not Marika Struthers. What Amir did

was like Amir's... It was a loose four. But what you're describing is the rest of the show. Conversation starters that don't go anywhere, bringing up topics that no one participates in. That's of the show. Conversation starters that don't go anywhere, bringing up topics that no one participates in. That's just the show. So, of course, Marika's Brothers is supposed to be different. What is Jeff explaining the concept of the show to us?

Grace cut that out. That was good. Look at Tony Zero over there thinking he owns this place. Yeah, don't fill Casey in on that. It's catching. It's catching on. Casey, feel free to call me Tony Zero. I on that. It's catching. It's catching on. Casey, feel free to call me Tony Zero. I like that.

That was a Hidgum Original.