The Headgum Podcast - 168: Too Much Truffle (w/ Ian Karmel!)

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

Ian Karmel (All Fantasy Everything) joins Amir, Anya, and Geoff to discuss truffle oil, relationship anxiety, and RiceGenius! Plus, they play a round of Geoffardy: Summer Edition! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify Join the Headgum DiscordSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. And you know what? When I saw House of Gucci in theater, he made a brief cameo and there was one person sitting behind me who gasped and then went, Is that Reeve Carney? And I was like, I have one other person in this movie theater that I could talk about this with. That's very funny. He's hot. Bane? I would go with any member of Boy Genius.

Oh, yeah. RIP David Crosby. I tweeted this earlier. I don't think it was funny enough to keep up, so I deleted it instantly David Crosby he died the way he lived trying to divert attention away from Phoebe Bridgers because the Boy Genius cover came out tonight I didn't even know he died New switchboard.

Really? Yeah. You're in charge of it? Eight different inputs for some reason. Every time I'm in here, something changes, and I'm expected to, like you guys were just saying, roll with the punches. Is that a Korg?

You got a Korg over there? It feels like some kind of Moog. Yeah, like I'm going to throw plates over my shoulder. Beautiful. Like in a Greek restaurant. Yeah, exactly right. A Taverna Tony's in Malibu. Tony Zero.

Taverna Tony Zero. That's really good. Yeah, my new alias is Tony Zero. I like that. Feel free to call me Tony Zero. I'll call you Tony Zero. I'll call you in the middle of the night alias is Tony Zero. I like that. Feel free to call me Tony Zero. I'll call you Tony Zero. I'll call you in the middle of the night and call you Tony Zero. You've already heard

his voice, but we've got Ian Carmel from All Fantasy Everything on the show. We've got Amir Blumenfeld on the sax. I almost said Marika Brownlee. Anya Kanofskaya on the fax. Is it Kanof? Did he say that correctly? It's close enough. What is it? Kan? It's fine. That's Ali.

Ali Khan of Skaia. I've thought about cutting off, I've thought about, this is my first time having to like be, having to have my name out on the record somewhere. I've thought about

a new last name. What do you guys think? Holy shit. I think we should come up with one right now. Onya Zero. Onya Zero. Onya Tony Zero.

Tony Zero Skaia. Yeah, that's really good. Is that a hyphen or is that the whole? Ken of Skaia or Tony Zero? Tony Zero Sky? Yeah, that's really good. Is that a hyphen or is that the whole... Kind of Sky or Tony Zero? Kevin Sky. First Kevin Sky and then Tony Zero. It's Russian, it's the whole thing. It's the whole thing.

What about Anya Taylor Sauer? That's pretty good. So it never gets there, but is that the first version or the second version of that song? Thank you. I ask every time and no one reacts. Come on, you have to let us know. It's the second version. Okay. It started versus the R word. Is that the difference? That's the one.

Got it. Was that in the first version, it's let's get R word, R word, R word? Let's get R word our word our word yeah let's get our word in here yeah and i always think you're gonna like i know you play the the good one but i always worry that you're gonna play the bad one like i always worry i'm like today's gag is that you're gonna play the bad one you gotta do it once people won't be afraid anymore i'm just the only one who's expressed fear on this i forget that that first version of the song even exists. It was my first thought.

Yeah. It was my first thought. Are you from Boston? No. No. Do you ask everybody that? It's my voice. My dad is from Brooklyn.

I'm from Portland, Oregon, and no one there has an accent. Do I have some weird hybrid accent that I just can't explain? I've never done this. I'm sorry. I've never done this. The R word on the brain. I've never done this, but I'm sorry. You've never done this? I've never done this I'm sorry to interrupt I've never done this The R word on the brain I've never done this But I'm sorry to interrupt

You've never done this I've never done this But I'm sorry to interrupt You do that all the time Well I was just saying Do you want to plug your book? Oh well that's It doesn't come out until

It doesn't come out until Okay yes I do Why is it even here? Harry Potter And the Sorcerer's Stone Although if you're in the Jolly old UK Philosopher's Stone

That's right I knew that Are you going to do an audio book? Because you have The voice for it I am going to Sorcerer's Stone. Although if you're in the jolly old UK, Philosopher's Stone. I knew that. Are you going to do an audio book? Because you have the voice for it. I am going to, but I'm going to do it as Gilbert Godfrey out of respect. Let's hear that.

Respect for that. I was born in Beaverton, Oregon. He's really pretty good. Yeah. R.I.P. Is he dead? He died. When?

Shark Attack. Today. Earlier today. Shark Attack. He was Earlier today. Shark Attack. He was in Boston. He was in the Charles River and a shark swallowed him whole. Whale shark. Jesus. He was throwing tea. You hate to see it. He was spilling the tea. Gilbert Gottfried.

Wait, Anya's new last name. We're just loud. What's that? Turn it down. What'd you say? I was saying we didn't crack Anya's new last name. Really quick before you do that, is that the first version of the Bond theme? You can say it as a joke.

As a joke, it's okay. I mean, I just held hands. I had to stop him. Fucking sand, yeah. Anya sand? I don let's start with fucking sand. Yeah. Anya sand? I don't know. Anya sand.

I really, this is something that I really do need to figure out. And I have to do it now before I get any more famous on the Head Dump Podcast. Yeah, you really do. Yeah, before the Dump Hotel takes off. I always just thought chopping, just K. But that. Anya K? Yeah, but like K-A-Y-E.

Oh. Like Danny K. Like Danny K. Or K Jewelers. The way Ian just said, oh Like Danny K. Or K-Jewelers. The way Ian just said O is what... That's actually a great idea. To change your name to someone really famous so people feel like you didn't really make it there on your own.

On your Nabisco. That's a good idea. Portmanteau? It's like National Biscuit Company. Oh my god. Isn't that like a portmanteau? It's like National Biscuit Company. Oh my God. Isn't that like a portmanteau? It's like National Biscuit Company. So now he's going to cut my...

Cut what Amir said. You could change your name to Natalie Portmanteau. That's really good. That'd be cool. Natalie Portmanteau. That's really good. Ian's coming in hot. Hot!

I'm drinking a dandelion ginger botanical tea. I did a commercial once with, what's his name, Dave Bautista. And he kept asking for these ginger chews. You probably shot stuff with him. We did. Yeah. Did he ask for the ginger chews? He did not ask for ginger chews, but he...

Was he sick? He was awesome. So sick. He was awesome. So sick. He was the most diligent about learning his lines out of anyone we ever worked with. He was like super off book

and when we changed lines like at the last second, it really threw him off. Because he like really wanted to do this like stupid cop interrogation sketch. He wanted to really nail it. Yeah.

He was a really sweet guy. But that's Wrestling background Died today Shark attack Gilbert Gottfried ate it You drinking this dandelion ginger thing Is the same energy as him eating a ginger chew though I feel like people who have like made it

They have like those specific snacks That only rich people can have Especially people like Dave and I Who Who I would put in the same category Climb the ranks of professional wrestling Yeah To eventually Fall from grace,

become famous for having weird squiggly lines on our bald head. How is that? You don't find that out until you shave your head for the first time, right? I don't want to know. You're like, oh, I got a brain head. Yeah. I mean, some people you can kind of guess. Yeah.

So. I gotta be smooth. I haven't ever bicked it but I gotta be smooth have you buzzed it? we should find out on the show let's do it right now

shave my head on the show live show if enough people Venmo me Amir will shave my head six people yeah enough people

six people you get cash and then Amir shaves his head which is also a plus for you really you should cut your hair because you've been growing it for three years. That's the bigger reveal. Yeah, but I fear that without the hair, I'm sort of a nothing burger.

That's real hair. Yeah. I thought it was a wig. High praise. Yeah. Did you go a year without cutting your hair during the pandemic? No, no, no. Because I didn't really.

I just sort of went business as usual. No, no, no. Because I didn't really, I just sort of went business as usual. People third back in the fucking saddle. I didn't really change my behavior. I got more haircuts because it was easy. I saw you at a Rudy's on May 2nd. Yeah, I was in there.

I was like shotgun and high life. I broke up with a guy during the pandemic because of that. Because he just kept living his life as normal? He was like texting me from, well not. He kept texting me. He's like, I'm at Home Depot. And I was like, why? What's happening?

Yeah. I guess that if you're going to be in a building, that was the one with like the highest ceilings, but also the one with the lowest vaccination rate.

Definitely like the least like, what's the word? Like net, like it was not, you don't need anything in there no like there's no

there's like CBS I can see he like needed something but like at home people's like maybe I'll make a potato gun no I feel like

people were doing a lot of at home projects on like that year but was it like essential is that essential is that worth

risking people's lives you're taking his side unbelievable you kind of do you guys are similar really He's kicking his side. Unbelievable. You kind of do. You guys are similar. Really? Bond of the week. Daniel Craig is out as Bond.

He's out? Yeah. Did that actually drop? Yeah, he's not. He's been, his last movie was the last movie he did. Oh my God. So every week until the next James is cast, we're lobbing up our pick for the next 007. Okay. My pick this week is Wanda Sykes. would be very good james bonda sykes can i do an impression of wanda sykes or is that not okay i'd like to hear it if i is that okay

we've already got him here saying the r words i feel like we're good can you marry is that that's pretty good right yeah that's good didn't feel like we're good. Mary! Is that? That's really good. It's pretty good, right? Yeah, it's good. Didn't feel like it was worth it. That made anyone mad. Sorry. That made anyone mad. That was Wanda Sykes, who stopped by the studio. Well, we're also video-

Deeply video podcast. She did not appear on camera because of the ongoing sex. And you lip-sunk as she said it. That's right. Yeah. Amir, Bond of the Week? It matters.

It matters. It doesn't. No, it matters it matters it doesn't no it matters it really doesn't uh um Logan Paul why

cause he's jacked yeah that would suck Anya Pierce Brosnan have we thought about him he already did yeah

he seems like he's got it he could come back he had it he has it he can come back that could be cool. People are doing like the throwback thing. Yeah, maybe.

You don't have to be that upset. No, it's, yeah. Because like any little thing can throw me off this entire hour. You know that about me. And this is it. Why does it bother you so much, the idea of Pierce Brosnan?

Well, because I sort of have like this like agenda almost of like how I want the show to go, right? And then like... And that just sort of, that was a hard left turn for you. That was almost the i thought you were gonna say wanda sykes which i was then gonna performatively get mad at you for because i chose it but you thought she was gonna say it but you said it first that was your first one he thought i was gonna make like a joke and say his idea and then say grace cut it no i thought there'd be like parallel thinking and then i

would like playfully be like oh i'm pissed but pissed, but like it's fun. Now I'm actually mad. The energy in this room has changed. It's usually entirely this. Yeah. This is the whole thing. The first eight minutes were like light. I think my mustache is having sort of like a leveling effect on him because we both have mustaches.

It's just sort of like a, we feel safe and supported. Brothers. Yeah, brothers. Mustache brothers. In a way. Yours is better. No, I think yours is better. No,

I think yours is better. No, mine is thin. That's all right. It is thin, baby. Do you have a Bond of the Week?

You have a heroin-chic mustache. A Bond of the Week. I think LeBron James, he's on his way out of the NBA in the next couple of years. Let's shift him right

into the Bond franchise. LeBron James. LeBron James, he's been in Trainwreck. Space Jam. He was great in Trainwreck. Space Jam. He was great in Trainwreck. Yeah. And I think he was really bad in Space Jam too.

Is that fair? It's kind of like, to put it in the basketball metaphor, since Ian is a large fan too. Hoops. You don't want to give the role player too much playing time. Yes. Sometimes it's like instant offense off the bench, six minutes a game. And that's what LeBron did acting wise. He was great in

train wreck. Yeah. Bits and pieces. Then they gave him the whole film. Yeah. Can I say something? And I'm not trying to

do the whole like I'm a girl I don't I have no idea what you just said. The first part. Like you don't like the guy who's like pretty good for six minutes a

game to let him play for 42. Then it's like oh that's too much responsibility for that guy. Yeah. You still got nothing?

You basically... You know, like Christine Baranski, if she's in a movie for like 20 minutes, you're like, this rules. But you're like, maybe I don't want to see like two and a half. That's a bad example because I do want to see two and a half hours. No, I know what you mean, though. It's more special if it's just cut down. It's just like, she's good. She comes

in, does five, six. I broke the microphone. This is mine now. That's mine. Strength in low numbers. They always say that. And so LeBron only plays six minutes out of 42. No, LeBron is great at basketball.

I'm saying acting wise. I see. He was good in- That was my confusion. Well, I wonder if we give it to Bronny just because, you know, considering. He might not play basketball ever again. Praise up. Yeah.

Truffle oil is kind of that kind of thing yeah like yeah literally a drop just a little bit just a drop almost unimperceptible amount what the fuck has happened with truffle and i'm just transitioning like this is comics unleashed with byron allen actually you know what we could do we do a segment on this show called marika takes the rain slash marika's druthers this is Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. Actually, you know what we could do? We do a segment on this show called Marika Takes the Reins slash Marika's Druthers. She's a staffer. Oh, yeah. She's not going to like that she's not here for this. That's kind of why I want to do it.

Let's do Ian Takes the Reins. Or Ian's Druthers. Ian's Druthers for four minutes. Four minutes on the board. Four minutes on the clock. Four minutes. And I can just gripe? You can just gripe.

I can just gripe about anything? Anything. Should I actually launch into stand-up bits, or should I... Go for it. The clock is going. The clock, yeah. I started talking about truffle oil, so this is not a stand-up bit, but it's just like, take it a fucking...

Five minutes. Take it down a fucking notch with the truffle oil, all right? Now there's truffle oil on everything all of a sudden. French fries? If you're putting too much truffle oil on French fries, you know what I think? The French fries can't speak for themselves. Now all of a sudden I'm finding truffle oil in the ketchup

as well? It's on the fries and in the ketchup? Truffle ketchup? There's no escape. There's no escape. I'm here. It's actually Ian's brother. I feel like I lost a minute on their pretty... What is with these farm-to-table restaurants?

Farm-to-table restaurants? You know what I mean? Farm-to-table. I'm here just one second. Farm, that's the only place they grow food. And table's the only thing you can eat at all. Every restaurant is a farm-to-table. Arby's is a farm-to-table restaurant, folks. That's good. That's amazing.

I've been having trouble looking my wife in the eyes and I know it's not because of her and it usually happens after I go visit home. And, you know, my parents divorced when I was 10 years old.

And they've always had a cordial relationship, but spending any time with them, as much as I love them, does make me think about how at one point, they thought it could never happen to them. And, you know, my one-year anniversary is coming up

in two weeks, and are we just in the part of our movie before everything goes wrong? And sometimes I feel like I have this bomb inside of me just waiting to go off. That's just going to destroy everything good in my life and uh it doesn't mean i'm not going to try that doesn't mean i'm not going to still

do my best to be a good partner in this relationship it doesn't mean i'm not going to you know like you know listen to her and support her and and and do things with her you know, like, you know, listen to her and support her and do things with her, you know, like on our anniversary, just because I have this fear, it doesn't mean I'm not going to you know, take her out to dinner and and if we order fries at that restaurant and there's fucking

truffle oil! And then ketchup, I swear to God! That's everything! It's too much. I'm going to lose it. We, I wish we could get into it. We do have to take a break. But thanks for sharing.

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Charring grains with glee over skillet grooves making rice burn gnarly. You'll have tons of fun as the bomba scalds As we singe the specks of char Oiling slick a pan Consistency of sand

Ruining basmati Long- long rain white rice scorched japanese short grain all types of rice ignite will you cauterize will the grain sear thus burning, not barley. We'll forget soft rice as we force it down, as we house demolished rice. There is crispy rice. That's not what I mean. Crispy rice is fine. I'm talking about when it hurts to eat because you burn the rice for hours.

There's an instrumental break now, so I really have to sit in it. I had to Google the real lyrics because I thought I was having a psychic break because I thought there's no way he actually says barley but he does many sauces help to attain the singe. Poison is my favorite. It'll glob onto

every grain of rice and it'll blacken the whole wok. You'll remember me when you make this shift. Eating rice that's gnarly.

You can tell Oms be in its jealous wake that I changed the game of rice when I soldered that first grain now we all sing specs of char. Really good backing track. Yeah. That's the first note. It's not that the lyrics were good. Well, it's just wild with the writer's strike on, like the amount of talent that is accessible. What you're saying is he's technically scabbing by having written that song.

I think he's scabbing. Did you write that? No. What did you think? First of all, Ian has no idea. That was all out of the fucking left blue. And he has no questions. What did you think when that was happening?

Well, Ian actually has sort of insight to this because he's familiar with OMSB. Is he? Am I familiar with OMSB? OMSB? The Oregon Museum of Science science and industry i don't know what it stands for omsby you remember at the old head gum office at the end of the street there was that onigiri restaurant named omsby oh yes there was you ever go there no well so no um because anya was talking and then the music started yeah yeah we were gonna get into truffle

oil do you mind do you guys mind if we talk through these lyrics well even before we get there i want to know what was going through your head when you heard jeff starting to sing a new like do you know the song that it's based on what's that yeah yeah my sting yeah yeah fields of grain fields of gold fields of gold yeah as we walk in fields of jar yeah uh but he does say fields of barley at one point, which I was like, there's no way Sting actually says barley. Is that how you pick this song? I think we referenced it last week and then I was like, oh, we should do a rice song.

I was just saying that Amir, I've never seen Amir brush you off the way he just did. And I did that a lot. Yeah. That amount was exceptional. Charring grains with g glee over skillet grooves making rice bernarly what's bernarly burn gnarly yeah okay you should set this up i guess set the scene in a way that's what i'm

saying no context at all we were talking about truffle oil. A song starts and you just sing for five minutes. If the audience hears this every time I do a fucking song, they're fucking sick of it. I have alternated between thinking

ChatGBT definitely wrote this or ChatGBT will never be able to write this. And like, I earnestly didn't know which one I thought more. So we used to get lunch for Momsby.

Great. Because we were mostly in the office every day at at that point and this was in the middle of covid yeah this was in the thick of it uh the thick of not only the pandemic but the onigiri itself because it was a lot of rice it was a ton of mayo yeah and like a dash of fish just a bit okay here's the thing i think you would i think you're giving too much detail. Okay, so let's split the difference. Let's speed it up. Let's let 9 to 15 more seconds of backstory.

Alright, so we started Should I start a clock? We started 15 to 0. No, I got it. That's actually a good idea. We started doing bits about rice over the years just in the office and on the show. Yeah, it started to become burning the rice ruining the rice and then we started doing song parodies

and i'm putting together this album that i am going to try and record at sound city studios under tody berg's direct supervision all right here we go charring grains with glee over skillet making rice burn gnarly yeah you'll have tons of fun as the bomba scalds as we singe the specks of char. What's bomba? It's a type of rice. Glad you asked. Is this going to be on Rap Genius at any point? Or is this just Genius? Because I would like to be able to dig into it a little bit

more when I have time. It's going to be on Rice Genius. Wow. Oiling slick up hand. I'm sorry for me for making a fucking joke that we stopped talking about your lyrics for three seconds. We're going right back into it, aren't we? Oiling slick of pan or some shit. What was it? Bernard Lee Toppin over here.

Tony Zero, the rice genius. Bernard Lee. Maybe that's the artist's name that I should release it under. The rice genius, yeah. Maybe that's the artist's name that I should release it under. The rice genius, yeah. Oiling slicker pan. Consistency of sand. Burning rice, not barley.

And sorry, that's also something he says a lot, even though it doesn't have that consistency. No, rice is sort of the consistency. It's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, that's what I'm saying. It isn't.

It's like tiny little guys. That's what sand is. But they're chewy. Well, not when you burn them. Or maybe I haven't been eating the right sand. Long grain white rice scorched. Japanese short grain. All types of rice ignite.

Anya? No notes. No notes. That's actually... But I thought maybe like, oh, that was a good, you know, in terms of assonance. I said No notes. No notes. That's actually, but I thought maybe like, oh, that was a good, you know, what is it,

assonance? I said no notes. Positive or otherwise. That felt like you, yeah. I feel neutral about that. Will you cauterize, will the grains

see with us ruining basmati? That's one of the best ones. Yeah, that one fucking goes. Because what is, what's the real song? It almost sounds like that. That's what of the best ones. Yeah, that one fucking goes. Because what's the real song? It almost sounds like that.

That's what I was looking at. Will we forget the sun and its jealous eyes? Yeah. We'll forget soft rice as we force it down, as we house demolished rice. And then there was a bridge that you sort of drew. I have a question. I feel like we were having fun,

and then somewhere along the way we lost it. Probably the rice song. Yeah, the bridge. Can we hear what that would have been? What those lyrics would have been? I never eat rice that ain't busted. Don't care if I don't have other options. I would rather go hungry than not eat carbonized jasmine

as we singe the specks of char. I want to amend my Bernie Taupin joke and instead call you Tim Rice. Oh, that's really good. Just different Elton John collaborators. That was the Tim Rice? Leon Reisel. Oh, Leon Reisel. Oh, Leon Reisel.

That's a good one. Theodore Geisel? Dr. Rice? The actual lyrics don't make much more sense than this. No, thank you. This was like back in 1998. There is crispy rice. That's not what I mean.

Crispy rice is fine. I'm talking about when it hurts to eat because you burnt the rice for hours. Crispy rice is fine. I'm talking about when it hurts to eat because you burnt the rice for hours. Crispy rice is fine. What is crispy rice? They just deep fry it or something? Like a tuna crispy rice? Yeah, but how are they doing that? That's a great question.

A little oil in the skillet. I think you freeze the rice, cut it in squares. How do you freeze it? Just so that it stays in the square. He doesn't know. Many sauces help to attain the singe. Hoisin is my favorite. squares. You gotta freeze it. Just so that it stays in the square. He doesn't know. He has no idea. Many sauces help to attain the singe. Hoisin is my favorite.

It'll glob onto every grain of rice and blacken the whole wok. Okay. You'll remember me when you make this shift eating rice that's gnarly. You'll remember me?

You can tell Omsby in its jealous wake, because it doesn't exist anymore, that I changed the game of rice when I smoldered that first grain. Now we all singe specks of rice. Namaste. This is a pro-burning rice song? That's what everyone should be doing. It's sort of like evangelical.

Now, can we do the whole thing about the actual lyrics? Go line by line? Sure. Would you sing the entire thing again? The actual song like switches like first it's in first person and then he's like talking to you. Yeah. This is back when we found out

Sting was having sex for eight hours a day and it all made sense i think he realized he could say anything in the songs yeah and 15 seconds into it would be like eight hours and she would never think about the lyrics i mean they're very horny lyrics yeah so was this the same album when he was just like i dream of Rosalie. That song also didn't mean anything. No, it didn't mean anything. This was his old fucking thing. I dream of rice today. We have to move on.

That's for you for next time. Do you want to get something out? Because we have to move on. You're right about the truffle oil. Thank you. I don't think they're doing that. I think that was early 2000s. Maybe like a 2010s.

Yeah, I think they're doing that. I think that was early 2000s. Maybe like a... 2010s. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. I think that was probably... That reference was at four years late at best. But you're still upset about it, which is okay. And I see you and hear you. And we make space for you for that. Thank you for holding that space.

Yeah. What's the other one? Desert Rose, I think it was called. Desert Rice. I dream of rain. Oh, no. the other one uh desert rose i think it was called desert rice i dream of rain oh no he starts singing about rice again okay so this is just the whole show now i guess rice rice i made it through all the levels of the Jeopardy auditions.

Wow. Including to the point where they were like, hey, we're going through my IMDB. Wow. To make sure that nothing conflicted. Wow. And either they read my tweets and decided they didn't like me, or something on my IMDB was like, we can't put this guy on the show. Or maybe you were almost Celebrity Jeopardy and they're like, but not that.

I think I'm like in between. I'm definitely not famous enough to be on Celebrity Jeopardy. You're too famous to be on regular Jeopardy. But I'm too famous to be on regular Jeopardy. Damn. And who will sing my song? Well, this is Celebrity Jeopardy. This is Jeopardy.

Do I need my glasses? But that TV is usually on. Yeah, then I have to edit it in and it looks bad, so I figured doing it on the frame would be better. Anyway, also the GoPro cut out so nobody can see me for the rest of the episode. Wait, just plug it in. Can I? It doesn't matter.

People don't need to see me. It's kind of nice to see you occasionally. You have a great outfit on. Thank you. I really needed to hear that. Your hair looks on point. You look moisturized. I think the people would love to see it. Just take that white cable right there that's plugged into the switcher. This is the one I meant to do. Live!

Do I need my glasses? No. Okay. This is Jeopardy! Welcome to Jeopardy! Summer Edition. welcome to jeffrey summer edition uh your categories are there we go uh the categories are fun in the sun summertime sadness important getaways

barbecue fowls and would be summer blockbusters it'd be funny if barbecue fowls and would be summer blockbusters it would be funny if barbecue fowls was like the bird kind yeah can you fix that? well there's

no no I can't is the GoPro on? the GoPro is on we're back we're back we're back in business Ian's team one

Amir's team two Anya's team three. Okay. We used to do this for actual cash, and I used to Venmo people. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't know if I can do that. What happened to that? Prohibitively expensive.

Prohibitively expensive. They tax you on transactions now, so. Oh, but would it be really for like $100? Yeah. Someone won $1,200 once, and I would always beg for it back, and everyone would always send it, but one time. I would definitely not give it back. Caleb Heron didn't give it back.

Caleb Heron didn't give it back? For like a week, yeah. Oh my god. Anyways, here we go. Let's start with Ian. Ian, you control the board, guest of honor style. All right, let's go barbecue fowls for 200, please. Barbecue fowls for 200.

Something you shouldn't say at a backyard barbecue. Barbecue fouls for 200. Something you shouldn't say at a backyard barbecue. There are no right answers. There's no right answers. Okay. So you're going to get it wrong, basically, he's saying. No, there are right answers.

You might get it right. Oh, sorry. I meant to say there's one right answer. Is it something you've said? I mean, even if it was, you've never seen me at a barbecue, so. I don't know. Oh. You can buzz in. Oh, buzz.

What? Is this McRibs? Is this McRibs? In the form of a question. Oh, what is this? What is this? Is this McRibs? Holy shit, what if it's right? What is this? Is this McRibs? He made it up.

Holy shit, what if it's right? Jesus Christ. I thought you had it. That means he was incorrect. Incorrect sound. So we can play two ways. You guys can still guess, or we can do it. If one person gets it wrong, it's over.

Let's get through it. We're not going to be here all day. We still have to do. Okay. The correct answer was. What is, you call this hosting? And then you say LOL? LOL, yeah.

Interesting. LOL? LOL. Amir controls the board. I'll go B of A for 100. It's just one of your bookmarks. Yeah, let's have a look. We've done this before

and I'm not doing it again. Barbecue fouls for 100. Barbecue fouls for... Oh, pump fake. I want 100 at the end. Asshole. We're doing 300. The worst song to hear at a barbecue.

It might be one of the Sting songs. Yeah. Yeah. That your rice parrot is. Yeah. Yeah. Boop-loop. Yep. The Your Rice Parody. Of Fields of Gold. Fields of Gold by... What is your rice parody? The correct answer is Murder Most Foul by Bob Dylan.

What is that? It's a 20-minute song about JFK's assassination that came out recently. So wait. Oh, really? Who does he pin it on? He doesn't even really take a stance. recently. So wait. Oh, really? Who does he pin it on? He doesn't even really take a stance. He doesn't come to

a conclusion? CIA. CIA. Gotta be a CIA. That's why it's 20 minutes. He has to explain the whole thing. controls the board.

I'll do summertime sadness for 200, please. Summertime sadness for 200. Coming to terms on a roller coaster. Coming to terms. What does that mean in this case? Coming to terms on a roller coaster. Coming to terms.

What does that mean in this case? Coming to terms with what? Oh. Yeah? Coming to terms with what? That's the answer? What is coming to terms? What is coming to terms with?

What? With what? You have to guess what coming to terms with. You said, oh, like you figured it out. But that's not going to be the answer. That's not a question. The correct answer is, what did Jeff experience on his 13th birthday

after his parents sat him down to say they were getting a divorce? This was at Disney World. They told you at Disney World? At the beginning of the day? But they're not divorced. At the beginning of the roller coaster? The end of a day and then the next day.

Aren't your parents still together? They didn't get divorced, but they really thought they were going to. Whoa. Which is somehow more confusing. Maybe the thrill of telling you was all the excitement they needed to rekindle the flame. Was a flume ride. Wow. Wait.

What? Dude. Follow-up question. Yeah. When did they tell you they weren't getting divorced and where was that? They never did. They just never did it. Great Waters.

Are you still waiting? Because they still may. They might have been in the process for what? They might still be. 13 years? Yeah. Ian controls the board. Fun in the sun for 300.

Fun in the sun for 300. Sowing seeds and watching them bear fruit. Oh, what is the meaning of life? He's thinking about it. The meaning of all life or just maybe some people's certain MOs? Clarifying question from the host. Trebek would never do that. Yeah, RIP

so is it what you said or what I said I guess what you said what is planting anxious thoughts amongst friends and watching the group dissipate due to infighting yeah that is what I said coming up right it is coming up

although the drought's not when we run out of water there's no drought anymore sure for now for now that's what they're telling us and that's what they would tell us yeah

right before we actually did we should have a conspiracy segment because I have a couple ideas we could do JFK we could do water we already talked about 9-11 today so don't ask me about that oh yeah

you want to pitch Ian this podcast idea that's pretty good let me have it you should know that I was in Al Qaeda so like I about that. Oh yeah, you want to pitch Ian this podcast idea? That's pretty good. Let me have it. You should know that I was in Al-Qaeda. So like I It's kind of a sensitive issue. I had no idea.

They don't just do terrorism. They do a lot of other stuff too. Infrastructure, infrastructure. It was a theater camp. You were a director? Yeah. That's nice. What is the 9-11 podcast?

We're going to have to bleep all this because we have to make it. Well, you don't have to make it. No, I want to make it. That's not why we're going to bleep all of it. Anya, you control the board. What is, I mean, no, that's not how we do this. Would be, you want me to, are you doing that? You picked one.

No, I know. Are you hovering over that one because you want me to are you doing that no i know are you hovering over that one because you want me to do it no i just couldn't see the mouse because it's far away would be summer blockbusters for 100 would be summer blockbusters for 100 a quad rom-com starring the sklar brothers and the williams sisters uh you might get this really oh wait i think i might know it oh wait Is this an actual? I'm just thinking of a joke. What is tennis any fun?

That's pretty good. That's really good. That's like better than what he wrote, I bet. Amir? What is men are from? Oh. Sclars. Sclars.

Women are from Venus. Yeah. The correct answer is, what is when Venus and Serena met Jason and Randy? Wait, yours was better. I thought so. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Because it's sort of like a quad. And so it's like when Harry met Sally,

or this one would be when Venus and Serena met Jason. What's the quad? Do you think the Williams sisters are twins? No. Okay. That's correct. Wait, what's a quadromical? It's where four people fall in love at once.

But that doesn't, his answer was still better. Amir controls the board. Let's do the movie thing again. Would-be summer blockbusters for 200. An absurdist dramedy that follows headgum staffer Dane Cardiel as he's pegged by a songstress. Yeah, God forbid we cut other stuff out. Gotta get to this fast. The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The whole game should just be this. Yeah, we get to see how Ian makes better movie titles in two seconds. Even though you had a week to work on it. Important getaways for 200. Important getaways for 200. A must-see village that grounds us in our great American past, summer or not.

Is it Colonial Williamsburg? Correct! The one time someone actually got it right, you can't execute on the... Wow! That's the first time anyone's actually gotten a question right. That's a real question. By the way, my...

Yeah, this isn't an impossible game to play. Everybody likes to think that it's gotcha journalism in a way, but there are all right answers that you could get. What part of this is journalism? Sort of, yeah. Let's have you control the board so I can ignore the question. I guess important getaways for 300. Important getaways for 300.

The only place to get both rays of sun and counsel from above. What is heaven? No, it's gonna be like a, yeah. What is, that was to Amir.

What is Jimmy Buffett's combination, Jimmy Buffett's combination cheeseburger and paradise slash Catholic seminary? On,

you weren't right until the very end what is vatican city yeah what does the rays of sun have to do it it the sun doesn't not shine in rome ian controls the board it's neck and neck great point amir has no points but uh anya and ian are tied by the way the prize i think is like one slew of genuine compliments from me. Really? Eye contact? I'm rarely earnest. We'll do eye contact. We'll do eye contact if you break 1,000.

If you don't break 1,000, you get the slew, but you don't get eye contact. What am I at right now? You're at 500. Oh, would-be blockbusters for three. Would-be blockbusters for 300. A prescient 1920s period drama about the inevitability of Paul

what is post modern Dano that is really close though really I might just because he's in the movie that this is a parody of, I'm gonna give it to Amir. We were looking for what is There Will Be Rug.

And Dano's in that movie. Amir controls the board. Doesn't really matter at this point. Doesn't really matter. Let's do important getaways for 100. A historical site that one shouldn't forget to visit if they want a meaningful summer. Yeah. What is One World Trade Center?

No. Shouldn't forget. I guess that works for. Yeah, you're proving your mind fits. The Holocaust Museum? That would also be meaningful, but no. Those are the only two things I think we're not supposed to forget. And the shouldn't forget is like never.

That's a correct answer. Right. No, we were looking for what is the Alamo. Oh. Oh, yeah. We do remember that. Well, that's kind of remember the Alamo. Never forget the other one.

Yeah. No, you're right. You know what? Sorry. I can't give points to everybody, but I am sorry. Anyone call it out. I don't know whose turn it should be. Summertime Sadness.

Summertime Sadness for 100. Doing intensive labor in the yard. What is a bad way? What is a sad way to spend the 4th of July? Of July or June? Labor Day. Labor Day or June? June.

Memorial? I'll give it to Amir. What is how Jeff spent most of his childhood Junes? Yeah. Wow. Childhood Junes. Big yard? Kind of.

Yeah. We lived in farm country. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 300. Summertime sadness. Okay. We lived in farm country. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 300. Summertime sadness. Okay. Summertime sadness for 300.

Trader Joe's key lime tea cookies. Those are good. Oh. Boop. Yep. What is what your parents gave you when they told you they're not having a divorce? That's pretty good. Farm country, so there wasn't really a Trader Joe's within driving distance.

That explains a lot. About my personality or Do not do not look at me. We were looking for what did Jeff choke on at the Silver Lake Meadows

two years ago? Two weeks ago. You choked on it. Yep. Ian controls the board. Did you need to have the high water? Water.

Oh. Ian controls the board. Fun in the Sun $ water? Fun in the Sun, $200. Fun in the Sun for $200. A cream that helps prevent sunburn. I'll give you a hint, it's not sexual. Is it SPF based? It's also not your decision. We'll be the judge of that.

Show me lube. What is aloe vera juice? Both were wrong. We'll be the judge of that. Show me lube. What is aloe vera juice? Both were wrong. We're looking for what is a... Miracle whip. I'll give it to Ian for that. Because I did the family guy whip. What is a ton of half and half that spilled onto you,

ruins your day, so you decide to stay inside? I get the cream part now. Yeah. And also, I could be sexual. Could be sexual. Half and half cream part now. Yeah. And also I could be sexual. Could be sexual. Half and half? Humiliation? Yeah. A milk fetish? That's very regular. You know that photo of like the two women and one's like holding

the other one's like ponytail and she's like force feeding her milk? Yeah. That's sort of like my whole thing. Is that your whole thing? Are you the ponytail or the force feeder? Usually the force feeder. He's the one taking the photo.

You're the one taking it. Kind of an Ansel Adams type. Didn't they take a picture? He's the one sitting at home looking at the photo. Yeah. No, it's just framed on my gallery wall. Fun in the sun. Fun in the Sun for 100

A collection of grains near water Rice? What is rice? Absolutely correct Callback What is a sack of rice waiting to be soaked outside? That's what makes it in the sun Ian controls the board Last one up

What happened to the screen? It's there, you're there Barbecue Fowls for 100 Barbecue Fowls for 100 What happened to the screen? It's there. You're there. Potpourri. Barbecue Fowls, 100. Barbecue Fowls for 100. Ian, nobody's going to get over 100, and also nobody can beat Ian, but this is just for shits and giggles.

The one thing you don't want to be seen doing at a barbecue. Amir, you might want to remember your first guess in this category. Wow. What was my first guess? It was, oh, the McRib thing? What is a McRib? Incorrect. What is taking multiple racks of rib

off the grill and putting them in your bag for later? Okay. Guys. Good job, Ian. Thank you. That's really impressive for your first time on the show.

Thank you. Yeah. It felt great. That was Jeopardy! Shit! I hate this studio. Jesus, man. Rice. Why doesn't this go immediately into a Wheel of Fortune parody?

Honestly, get over there. Come on. Rice of Fortune. Wheel of Rice. All right. Well, Ian well Ian you want do you want the slew of compliments or does that feel okay

are you kidding me you don't have to do the eye contact we don't know each other that well but I've always seen you around the head gum office and you've always been very kind to me and when I was working at Carpal Karaoke I would see you at CBS TVC I was just telling Anya this

because she was like what's Ian like I was like he's very nice and you used to say hi to me and you definitely didn't need to do that so I think for the viewers at home just know that Ian Carmel is a very nice person you you used to say hi to me. And you definitely didn't need to do that. So I think for the viewers at home, just know that Ian Carmel is a very nice person. You didn't inquire as to?

Also, when people ask for stand-up recommendations, you're the first person they ever show. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. Because your bit about how you look like an Italian pizza box logo is one of my favorite bits. Thank you very much. Anyway, plugs.

I had to keep a mustache for that very bit. Yeah. But now it's just for fun. Now you don't know who you would be without it. I really don't. Yeah. No, it's a comfort st keep a mustache for that very bit. Yeah, but now it's just for fun. Now you don't know who you would be without it. I really don't. Yeah. No, it's a comfort stash. It's a third eyebrow.

Yeah, and just so we can balance it out, Amir, when you wear shorts, the energy in the room is sour. Anya, you're fine. He has good legs. He has good legs. It's almost mean or not to say something mean about Anya, because it's like she can't handle it. Well, she just looked at me like

No, I felt because I was like that's a real thing you're saying to me who has to be like on camera all the time. My shorts do read He's taking his sneakers off. What happened? Why is your sneaker off? I took my sneaker off earlier to adjust my sock.

You guys know Jack Sock? Just plugs is fine. I was going to say Jack Sock's Instagram. Who's Jack sock you guys know jack sock just plugs it's fine yeah jack socks instagram who's jack sock fucking tennis player ah jack sock jack sock sounds like something a teenager had and they're like don't yeah that's your jack sock over there that's really good the mom knows not to did you guys do the jack sock? I never did it. I feel like that's... Why are you not asking me? It's never been a consistent...

I feel nervous about that. It was a toilet paper man. Easier to dispose. Never understood the sock at all. I would always just sort of do it while backpedaling. I would go to the backyard and just sort of backpedal around. I never had to deal with it. Just always in sort of do it while backpedaling. I would go to the backyard and just sort of like backpedal around. I never had to deal with it.

Just always in front of you. Like I was playing defense in a basketball game. Just kind of backpedaling. So I've never really had to deal with it. It feels like it's better for the environment that way. I'm from Oregon. I feel like it's rough material socks. especially like if you have like, you know. Oh, yeah.

If you're a teenager. Let's get really into it. Let's get really into it. Even up to recently. It's already been asked. When was the last time you sort of self-complicated? Well, now I prefer a shower because it's very easy. You don't have to worry about anything.

You're not disposing of anything. You don't have to worry about the friction. A baby shower or a wedding shower? No! Clugs! Ian, what do you have going on? What do you want to point the people to? If you don't listen to all fantasy everything,

I'll come to your house and I'll kill you. Oh! Can we start? I heard it here first. I already started the episode. I do. If you're up for it in the next couple months, I'd love to have you back on because you sent,

I had another idea. I had another segment idea that revolved around your show's format. I'll come back on this as often as you'll have me. This is really fun. It required prep, and you had emailed me last night, and I hadn't finished the segment yet, so I was like, this is too short notice, but yeah. Literally any time you'll have me.

This was a blast. Listen to All Fantasy Everything. That's really all I have to promote right now. Listen to Sting's later work. There's a lot of good stuff in there. And keep an eye out for my book, T-Shirt Swim Club. That's a great title. Available early next summer. I did Shirt in the Pool. I was a Shirt in the Pool guy. Were's a great title. Available like early next summer.

I did shirt in the pool. I was a shirt in the pool guy. Were you a chubby little dude? I was a chubby kid. Yeah. I did shirt in the pool in Turks and Caicos on a family vacation. This was the same one that I walked. I talked about this the other week where I walked out of,

we were like in a hotel and there was like a, we were on the bottom floor of like the building. Yeah. And there's like a screen door that goes out to the, like the deck or whatever, the pool deck. And I just walked straight through the screen porch. And the reason why I was walking, I'm telling this poorly. I saw a group of young girls walking past.

I was also young. And they were my age. They were younger. Yeah. And so I was like, oh, let me walk past them playing my Nintendo DS. They'll think that's awesome. And instead I like walked through a screen door and just kind of collapsed onto the pavement. Swimshirt on. Nothing else on.

Nothing else. It would have been cool if you, that you could have found out you had like sort of like an Alex Mack ability to sort of move through solid. What a reference. Yeah. You're giving me a lot of credit. Yeah. But the DS would just get stuck.

But the DS would just get stuck. But the DS would just get stuck. Wow. Did your Nintendo DS, was that like a frequent prop in... In seeming cool. In flirting. In seeming cool and flirting. Sure. Yeah.

Still is. Yeah. Still is. Amir? Yeah. All Fantasy Everything. Got to. On you.

You have to. As a supervising producer on all fantasy everything i think you should listen to all fantasy everything have to oh yeah because none of us are responsible for what happens if you don't i think we're really trying to like steer it away from like the threats kind of legally binding death threats we're not but people know we're recording this offshore so we can't be held liable they They know we're like six miles off the... HeadGum has like a... A Catalina office.

Yeah. They have... What was the Scientology boat called? Oh. I don't remember. I don't know. And I never have. And honestly, we shouldn't talk about it.

Forget it. The Island Sea or something. The S has great ideas and good people. Yeah. Yeah, good times. You think I can't find out where you live? Me? You included.

You think I don't have the tools at my disposal? I'm on the dark web, dude. I am on the dark web. It's dark. Yeah. The only light is your fucking address, bro. That's awesome. The only light is your fucking address, bro. That's awesome. The only light is a fucking address?

Yeah. The only way out is in, basically. Meaning? Meaning that he'll find you. I'll find you? And he'll kill you. You're talking to the listener. You're listening, too.

I like that instead of looking right at the camera, you are looking right at Jeff, which is so scary for him. I forgot we were on camera here. He's been afraid of you since that talk earlier he was talking about. He was like, I'm really scared. He's a really scary guy. I'm a scary guy. This camera right here. Yeah.

Listen up, Chris. A lot of people named Chris. If you don't listen to All Fantasy Everything, where we fantasy draft anything from the world of pop culture whether it be nicholas cage music or sandwiches it's not gonna it's not gonna be fast either it's gonna take a while and you'll you'll know what's happening while it's happening and what's a good episode for people to start what's a recent god there's so many uh god i mean if you want to go all the way back sandwiches the mall the mall, Taco Bell menu items, we just did an auction draft with Shea Serrano.

Buffets is great. Of 90s action movies. Wow. Where you had to draft within like something from a franchise, something foreign, something domestic, something that doesn't really seem like an action movie, but you could make the argument,

and then a wild card. So we're having a lot of fun on there. Oh yeah. And I'll just end it on an earnest and slightly sad note, but I lost a good friend of mine over the weekend, so always make time for those you love

because you never know how long you're going to have with them. And, yeah. That's nice, Jeff. That's good advice. It doesn't have to be sad, but just... No, it's nice. Yeah. Go see your friends. Go doesn't have to be sad, but just... No, it's nice. Yeah.

Go see your friends. Go visit them. Tell them you love them. As we singe the specks of char. We'll ride out on this. that was a Hidgum original