The Headgum Podcast - 18: Harleyse

Episode Date: September 25, 2020

Reilly returns to the show to form a cult with Amir and Faris, as well as to discuss gout, boring superheroes, and CHARLIZE!Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmWe have new merch in the Headgum store! Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Welcome to the hot... Fuck. Keep it. I can't, because then I'm going to look dumb. Keep it. I know. It's just like, what are you... Can somebody else start the show? Riley?

Welcome to the HeadGum Podcast with your host, Jeffrey James. I'm here with three amazing guests who I don't think have ever done the show together. We got Ferris Monshi in the house. Ayo. Woo! Riley Anspa herself. Wow! Oh my god, the crowd

loves it! And the man, the man with the fucking TikTok plan. The fucking influencer extraordinaire, shmuel blue oh my god they love you yes yes and jeff what you're here too i'm like everybody else got a really awesome intro Jeff. What? You're here too.

But like everybody else got a really awesome intro. And so I was wondering if I would get one. I sort of ran out of steam. Also, the crowd went dead silent. You're the crowd though. You're the crowd. You were the one making the crowd sound. What? That's not me.

I was in control of whether or not they cheered for me. And instead, they didn't even cheer for me. Other way around. What's that? How so? The crowd crowd controlled her i don't think so yeah because there's no crowd it's the four of us we're in a zoom call it just makes me feel lesser than and i know that wasn't your intention and i know that wasn't your intention but i just like it actually makes me feel like shit and i don't i and i would appreciate it if you like just confirmed that it wasn't your intention to make me feel that way because it actually is like everybody's kind of staring at me like hey man let's get started made you want to feel like let's get started let's start i know

yeah we are this is it this is the starting point uh riley we finally got you back on i was getting bullied online for not having you on even though i asked you every week for a semester and then i stopped asking because you said no every time and then you were like hey i think i might come on the head gun podcast this week so you threw me a bone here and i do appreciate it manhi is the second hardest guest to get, so this is a big episode. Am I? What's that? That's the new tagline of the show. Take a podcast.

What's that? The show has changed in certain ways since the last time you were on, Riley. You haven't heard it at all. Sorry. I've been really busy dealing with the crowds. They follow me everywhere. The crowd,

that one. Yeah. The one you do. So it's you walking around Hollywood, just going, well, the Amir, Amir has one too.

I loved it. Yeah. It's fun. A hot exhale. A hot exhale. Um, it feels like a celebration of me. So that's kind of what I've been doing lately.

The show started as a happy hour of sorts, kind of like us all hanging out, and now it's everybody against me and vice versa. Cleveland versus the world, I guess, right? It's like, again, and I've said it on every episode, but I shoot a couple conversation enders off, and you have to sort of

navigate the rocky terrain that I lay bare. Oh my god, so it's literally, so this podcast is literally just like what it feels like to text you. That's what the HeadGum podcast is. Worse, because I expected it's real-time reactions. You don't have time to think, or even time to kind of put your phone down

and like rub your eyes like god damn it. Or even ignore frankly. It's a lot tougher to ignore too. Actually every time Pyle's on the show he just kind of glares at me. So I think ignore is an option.

Okay. I mean it's not ideal. Yeah but now it's an option. But we can. Yeah now it's an option but we can yes Amir I was about to listen to another podcast would that ruin the show or do you think I can go ahead and do that

you shouldn't be on here if you're going to do that we can get Claire or something to come on I can have it come into one ear so it's like in one ear and then out the other but then you won't the issue is that you won't be paying attention it's other. The issue is that you won't be paying attention. It's not really good. It's that you won't be paying attention. Let me try it and then if it's noticeable

you can tell me to knock it off. What are you going to listen to? If it's good we can all... It's already derailing the show. Then we can all listen to it. What are you going to listen to? Amir. Hey Amir. He's really enjoying it.

Amir, what are you listening to so we can all listen together I get that okay is this what you do when you listen to podcasts you respond as if you're part of the conversation right right right like audibly relate right audible relate that's a good question that's a good question they're not positing it to you. They're positing it to the guests. I get that. All right. I'm going to stop. It's hard. It's kind of hard to do it.

So I'm going to head out. But this has been awesome. Thank you so much. Are you talking to us? Are you talking to the podcast? I was saying it's hard to do both. It's hard to do both. So I'm going to head out.

Are you saying goodbye to them? No, no, no. Yeah, to Jeff. Okay. You can't leave now.'s been what five minutes 40 minutes five seven minutes but it's felt like 40 here we go one time no thought uh riley and spa when was the last time you got to tell someone i told you so is this the show this is what every week just been like please please come on for this one and so i was just on with ferris and i said hey if you have any segment ideas let her rip because i didn't have a ton of time this is um it's a busy week for me because i'm moving in cross country yeah oh actually

i might know the answer to this for Riley okay Riley was like should I do this show it might be like a shit show I don't think Jeff is prepared I'm like no trust me he usually comes

and he brings the heat and then Riley's like alright we'll see but my expectations aren't high and I said watch this and then we started the show

so I guess yeah so hey I told you so play it right now the last time I was able to I'll'll answer for, hey, I'll throw you a bone. I'll answer for real. I'll throw you a bone. I'll throw you a bone.

Well, I wish you wouldn't see it as throwing me a bone by just participating in the show. No, I'll throw you a bone. That should be the bare minimum. I'll chime in. I'll chime in. No, it's like, it's, you deserve it. I'll chime in. The last time I got to say I told you so, I do think was when I guested on our friend's show called So Yesterday.

It's a nostalgia podcast. Very funny where we watch projects from our childhood, young adulthood and talk about it. And so the project I brought was The Lion King one and a half. Sure. And I'm like, I hope it's better than what Jeff brought because Jeff was on it, too. And he brought the worst movie they've ever seen. Not really. They were like, well, thank God yours is going to be so much better than Jeff's.

And then it ended. I'm like, it might not be. And they're like, of course it will be. I'm like, I told you so. It was trash. And this was Lion King one and a half. It was trash. This is absolutely Lion King one and a half.

Isn't the conceit of that movie that it's Timon and Pumbaa doing like director's commentary on kind of it's a little bit that and it's it's basically like here's our story and at first it's like it's kind of appealing because it's like oh it's mon and pumbaa the most fun part of the lion king but then it's like you ever have too much cotton candy at the fair you want to eat the whole bag and then you throw up that's what lion king one and a half is like. It's like, why aren't I just watching the Lion King? It's like in 1776

if Richard Henry Lee was in every scene, it wouldn't be funny. Yes. You know, it's that you get him in that one and then you get him at the end when it's all said and done.

And I'm really glad that we're throwing around very universal pieces of culture. Like 1776 and Lion King one and a half. It's something that like everyone can relate to oh totally I know what that is

I know what that's like Ferris you get it I totally get that Ferris when was the last time you got to say what's that Ferris when was the last time you got to say like you were in a position where you could say I told you so fast say it fast uh

added pressure for no reason no i'm just recently i've been all about speed so how can we get through this thing and like the most talk quickly or start your answer or the drug just like i've been all about like fast all right yeah my sister's ex-roommate, she was on this keto diet. Oh, no. I tried that for a little bit. By the way, not good, man. It's just it's like a lot of avocado and bacon, which you think is good. But again, it's like the Timon and Pumbaa issue.

It's too much of a good thing. Yeah. Don't do it unless you're like you can lose 100 pounds really fast on it, but don't do it unless you need to do that. Anyways, she's on keto, right? But she keeps failing at it. Like she keeps eating burritos. And she was like doing really good. I was visiting one night and my sister and I were going to order burritos or like Mexican food.

And Mexican food is pretty anti-keto i would say it's hard to do anything keto on this corn tortilla count as keto or that's still no no corn either sorry let him finish perfectly valid follow-up i'm part of the conversation let him finish no i just what you did was a thousand times worse than what I asked. I was like, yeah, I was adding to the discourse and you shot me down. If everything went your way, the show would be bad. What we're doing is rescuing you. So Ferris, corn tortillas.

I just want to make sure Ferris has a score and has a shot. Hey, Jeff, let him finish, fucker. I'm trying to let him finish. That would be anti-keto. That's carbs. That's tough. Yeah, it is super tough. And so, yeah, it's like a lot of meat and mayo and fats.

Yeah. It's, yeah. It sounds good for a meal. And then it gets like, sorry, one second. It sounds good for a meal. And then you sort of get nauseous thinking about it. Or it's like, oh, my God, so much oil. Oil, yeah. It's kind of like how you feel before you eat fast food i am what's that jeff i am and i'll edit this part out i'm stopping yeah i was saying i was saying i was saying that like

before you eat fast food you really fucking crave it and then at the end you feel kind of gross yep always regret it yeah i feel like the keto diet is that like i don't know anyone that feels great after having like a five by five from in and out or something even if it's protein style with no bun yeah the issue sometimes jeffrey aaron james i swear to fucking god shut the fuck up jeff okay amir last time you got to say i told you so? Oh, that's a good question. I love that question. Before you move on from dieting, just thyroid issues, it could actually lead to thyroid issues. Yeah, anyway.

God, this is sports related. You know, I'm a Laker fan and Clippers were up big and it's just like, I'm telling Clipper Nation, don't get too excited, don't get too excited. They're going to blow it. That's what the Clippers were up big. And it's just like, I'm telling Clipper Nation, don't get too excited. Don't get too excited. They're going to blow it. That's what the Clippers do. And he's like, no, this is a new Clipper team. We got Kawhi Leonard. We have proven winners.

What's so funny, Jeff? What was so funny? You were like saying things joyfully, but they were rude sentences. So there was a disconnect there. And that's what the comedy was coming from. And so I was just kind of chuckling. Oh, wow oh wow what a great show people love when you explain a joke i didn't want to people love i didn't want to and you said what was funny i had to explain it he put me on the spot ferris is staring me at the eyes i'm i'm he's pissed i'm sad i'm scared i'm on edge

of my seat because i don't know what's going to happen next and i'm also kind of walking on eggshells sacks seat because I don't know what's going to happen next. And I'm also kind of walking on eggshells. Sacks. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, if you had an extra hour in your day, a lot of people would spend that very differently than the one sitting next to them. Maybe person A would go for a run, person B would take a nap, and patient zero would read a book. The point is, a lot of us spend our time and our lives wishing we had more hours in the day. And the question is, what is that time for? And if time was unlimited, how would you use it? The best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you and make it a priority thus.

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Wait, Jeff, when was the last time you got to say I told you so? I thought it was going to be now because I do live with George Peter George Saba, also known as Man George. And he said, hey, don't get don't get grilled on the podcast record. And I said, I won't. These are my friends and I don't think that they're going to treat me that way. And so I thought that I was going to go upstairs after this and kind of go like I told you so, which I probably still will just for the. Just to do. To save the face. Yeah. Yeah.

But then next Friday when this comes out, he'll kind of see that I was kind of. Yeah. He said we were your friends. That's insane. That's insane. Why is that funny? If we're all asking. No, that's really good.

No, he doesn't have to explain it. We all know. Imagine you being friends with us. You're not one of us. I mean, let alone Amir, who's literally a TikTok influencer on the nightly news. I'm dying. I'm dying thinking about it. It's funny.

I mean, I'm all for a laugh. Me too. I fear that every time it'll be a next question. And I'm laughing through the pain. Next question. Is this a segment called next question or is this like different segments? This segment is called next question. Okay.

So all these questions are part of one segment sure Ferris let's start recording the episode now I'm feeling a little bit bad but I was kind of rude to Riley earlier I stepped on her no no no oh my god no you were totally fine you were totally fine I'm pretty sensitive I'm sensitive you're sensitive

I know you are and I'm worried that Ferris hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise and I just I don't know i don't feel he's doing other work okay is he no i just deleted my entire file i restarted okay kidding me so he really didn't have the floor so he really i'll be nice to you guys i'll be nice to you thanks amir it's all good don't worry about it we all i might have to counteract it by being a little more rude to jeff but we'll see that's fine that's what you've been doing. That's actually great. So nothing will change. To start the recording now and then do the same thing is a waste of time. Hey, Jeff, sorry.

I think it's like being a host. You have to actually like kind of be in the segment. So like, what's the segment? I feel like you're really all over the place. I'm not. I'm trying to like go straight down the middle and you guys keep like hitting home runs, but they're all foul balls, right? So I'm straight over down the plate.

And like the analogy doesn't make a lot of sense because I'm nervous as shit. What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? Because I'm nervous as down the plate and like the analogy doesn't make a lot of sense because I'm nervous as shit yeah I had forgotten about baseball wow really yeah it's happening right now yeah like I had let go of baseball

what's the coldest you've ever been what's the coldest you've ever been is the next question what's the coldest you've ever been sorry we were talking about it was really funny how Ferris was like, I forgot baseball. One, two, three, you're out. Baseball's fine. You hit a ball with a piece of wood.

What is the most freezing temperature you've ever been at? Oh my God. I actually do remember this. And as a California boy, Ferris, you're the same, Riley. We all grew up in the desert. So I feel like we have that connection. Have you guys ever been to the Midwest in the winter? Of course.

It hit different. Let's just say it hit different for sure. I was born in Israel, which is the desert, moved to LA desert, and then spent some years in New York. And New York is cold. But like, I remember we did a live show in February in Minnesota, and it was like two degrees Fahrenheit, windchill of like negative 10. And you would call an Uber, you couldn't even I couldn't even stand outside to wait for it. Like, it, it's beyond cold. It's like numb and painful. And I remember the day after the show was a University of Minneapolis football game. And it's an outdoor stadium. They were going to be outside for like four hours tailgating for this four-hour football game. I couldn't stand outside bundled up in everything I could for 30 seconds to wait for an Uber. And the entire city was like, this isn't that bad.

We're going to stand outside for eight hours. And I couldn't even comprehend that. Well, it's so funny that you bring that up because the Brown Stadium, First Energy Stadium or whatever, is right on Lake Erie. And every winter, people are out there. You guys, you're getting angrier the longer

I talk. I'm just trying to add to the... Ferris, what's the coldest you've ever been brother he's your brother I'm a brother we're all brothers we're all brothers together even me maybe not Jeff no I think three we love each other the coldest you've ever been ferris um man i don't think it's ever gotten that insane like what amir just described that's beyond what i've what i've felt but by proxy can i i can tell you about how cold my dad has been what has he said said or done or not? Our dad. We're brothers. Our dad. You won't believe this.

Our good old daddy. Our old man. Our old man. He went to school in Nebraska and it gets insanely cold there apparently. They would have to do something like, so in the mornings their windshields would be so covered in frost and ice that they would have to, it's some combination of alcohol and salt that they would have to dump on the windshield, let it sit. And then like after 20, 30 minutes, I don't know, start hitting the windshield wiper and like barely shoving off these massive chunks of ice just to be able to get in your car and drive. So that's the coldest our dad has ever been.

I gotta wonder if it's worth it to live in Nebraska or Wisconsin to deal with these like terrible frostbitten conditions. It seems like the coldest states should be the ones that are most worthwhile to live in. But if you're living in a small town in Michigan, why not just move to a small town in New Mexico or something? It's got to be super affordable, right, to live in a place with garbage weather. Yeah.

You know, like Omaha, Nebraska. If you're like 40 minutes outside of Santa Fe there's everybody else kind of takes the floor and then it's like a natural flow of conversation I don't know when

it becomes my turn Jeff it's not your turn because I haven't gone yet so it's my turn now my brothers went and now it's and now it's my turn feels like I'm always last

and then everybody wants to move on to the next question before I answer Jeff let's get to Riley's and then move on brother Riley brother Riley

brother Riley oh oh oh oh brother riley um brothers listen brothers gather around and let me tell you the tale of the coldest that brother riley has ever been um so being being a california girls Being a California girl. It's kind of like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I had done that, you would have yelled at me for five minutes. Jeff, I'm actually talking. Being a California girl. Daisy Duke's bikini is on fire. Jeff, stop. Literally stop.

Just seriously stop I said two words Jeffrey are you complaining what is this so going to school in Boston let's just let's just say it was a rude awakening for sure that Massachusetts cold hit

different different that's exactly right my senior year so my freshman year it was the worst winter that boston has had since like the 80s and so i was like of course like i would it wasn't i wasn't cold it was just a shit ton of snow like i would literally see my teachers like snowshoeing and cross-country skiing to class um which was insane but the coldest i've been there at my senior year i was i was in a student short film what was it about i'm actually not done talking is the thing so it was like the time we shot it was like winter turning into spring but it was still fucking cold and so

we were doing a night what was it about oh it was basically like, it's the most like kind of art house thing I've done. It was, it's a lot to explain. Yeah, classic. But Jeff, stop. I'm doing the same shit Amir's doing. So we were outside and it was like, the story took place in like spring, summer, but it was still end of winter when we shot it.

And so we were doing a night shoot and I was standing out in the cold like and just like a t-shirt and a light sweater um and everyone else was in like fucking big ass coats it was so cold and it was a scene where like it was like i was on the i was like getting in a fight with my mom on the phone and they're like okay obviously you know it's like you're gonna do your own thing and and we're not gonna put any pressure on you to cry like you don't have to obviously but if you do it'd be great for the shot but you don't have to um i'm like for sure and i it was so hard to focus on not being freezing yeah and so i remember like

tearing up and i could hear they're like this is great this is great this is great but it's just from me thinking of like how in pain the rest of my body was from being unbelievably cold. If you're in a t-shirt and it's 40 degrees out, that's the coldest you've ever been. More than like if you're bundled up and it's negative 12 or something. Yes. Yes. Because it was like we were in like some alley. So it's like we had the wind chill too.

It was real bad. And I was very distracted. But then, yeah. So then I went home and ate some crispy M&Ms and watched TV. too. It was real bad and I was very distracted. Yeah, so then I went home and ate some crispy M&M's and watched TV. If you can believe it. I feel like a bath really helps. It warms you all the way to the bone. Sorry, Jeff, are you going to say anything?

When I do, you yell at me. When I don't, you yell at me. This is unbelievable. Ferris also didn't speak for the same amount of time that I didn't. I was patiently observing the story. Thank you, Brother Ferris also didn't speak for the same amount of time that I didn't. I was patiently observing the story. Thank you, Brother Ferris. That's what I was doing, too. Do I get a thank you?

Thank you, Cockroach Jeffrey. Cockroach Jeffrey. So I'm a roach. I'm a roach, and you guys are all in a family, culturally, which is forming in front of my very eyes. I was cold once in Michigan fly fishing, and I got frostbite, and it doesn't matter. I was cold once. Frostbite? I had frozen phalanges.

What happened? Oh, I do remember you telling me about this on Review Review that you did get frostbite. Is frostbite an official thing, or is it just when your fingers turn numb? Or it's like, no, we can medically diagnose this as frostbite is frostbite an official thing or like is it just when your fingers turn numb or it's like no we can medically diagnose this as frost i think i think you can medically diagnose it like it's yeah don't you go like purple did you did your phalanges go purple i don't think they changed color but we got in the car and then my dad was like oh like blast hot air on your hands and that's the worst thing you can do because you might have to get whatever like extremity amputated because it can kill nerve endings um but luckily that didn't happen and my hands are fine i hold them up they're all gangrene oh oh yeah it's gangrene related to

frostbite i don't know all right here we go last question until we move on. And what is gout for that matter? Yeah, is that like arthritis? I'm looking it up. Thank you. Real time. Thanks. Jeff, don't cut any of this out. Don't cut any of this gout. What's the most boring superhero you guys can

come up with? It is the kind of arthritis. Backstory and all. Interesting. Sorry, what were you saying, Jeff? We were talking about gout. I always thought gout was like up with it is the kind of arthritis backstory and all sorry what was what were you saying Jeff we were talking about gout I always thought gout was like like some buildup of like mold or gross stuff around you yeah that's grout

and then I thought that in your in your knees you have creaky kind of bathroom sealant that's gone green and that's gangrene. That's gangrene. I gone green from the gangrene. Come up with the most boring

superhero possible backstory at all. Let's start with Ferris Munchie. The most boring superhero ever. I think it would be someone who can suck the sound out of a room. Like all like you walk into an event, like a black tie event and people are schmoozing and, you know, enjoying some cocktails. And you just walk in and just go. It becomes a vacuum?

Yeah, and it's sort of like, you know the game, you know Kirby, the chubby little pink ball? Sure. It's kind of like that. He kind of just goes... So he absorbs all of the sound into his throat? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That's cool.

Where does it go? Can he release it? That's a really good question, Brother Riley. And I think what, well, this would make him too interesting, but I was going to say he can then regurgitate all of that sound just all at once as just a force. Like a force. I don't think that makes them very

well what's the less interesting alt the less the less interesting alt is um you just sort of swallow it like like a burp you're trying to hide you know those like a gas bubble yeah just sort of like a and you just sort of swallow it down. And then you fart. You fart and it's a whistle because it's all the voices as a high-pitched squeal of sorts. Let's hear the name of this man or woman. Sucks to hear, man.

A full sentence. Coughiness. Sucks to hear. Oh, shit. It sucks to hear oh shit it sucks to hear man that sounds like you're conjugating it from a different language like it's a direct google translate it has one word

in portuguese but i guess literally means sucks to hear man yeah yeah this is sort of normal in Portuguese, but I guess literally means sucks to hear men. Sucks to hear men. Yeah, yeah. Herman, this is sort of normal time of day. Herman sucks to hear men. Yeah, alter ego. Herman is his, like, Clark Kent.

Yeah, exactly. He's Herman at night. Or specifically at black tie events he sucks to hear men. Specifically at black tie events. He can only do this at cocktail parties yeah just just anywhere where he can be a troll and maybe he was like maybe he was embarrassed once at a red carpet event and so now this is like his you know just as an as an origin story it's like uh someone told

him hey actually we're we're revoking your invitation to this, you know, red carpet event. And then he goes to himself. He thinks, sucks to hear. Sucks to hear. Sucks to hear. And then he just has that ability. I want to say yes. That is less interesting yeah something he ends up

fucking a megaphone that night and that's like when the lightning strikes right he sort of has the opposite of that ability yeah there's a megaphone involved yeah what about it guy What about IT Guy? Okay. What about him? His superhero is that when you have to kind of recover a file, he can make it so. So that's his job. Oh, I like him. This is Ferris' hero. Ferris is like, what do you mean most boring superhero?

Yeah. This man fascinates me. And I want to take him out for drinks. So like there are some text messages that you want to recover, but you weren't backing them up to iCloud. He's got you. Sure. His street name, Ferris Monshi.

O-M-Monshi. Ferris Monshi Boulevard or like a cul-de-sac or whatever. What's that? What's what, Jeff? I don't know. Oh, my superhero? So glad you asked. I did.

Let's talk about a looper. Listen to me. I'm mixing up my words. Let's talk about a little superhero called My Bad Girl. So My Bad Girl, she, her ability. about a little superhero called my bad girl so my bad girl she how do you say it because you said it twice different ways the proper way to say is my bad girl so i mean you could just call her my my bad girl but that's not at all what she likes to hear like you're not gonna be like oh where's my bad girl like she hates that like because that's not her like she's not a bad girl it's oh my bad girl she's a superhero she's a superhero and she's yeah

so her whole thing is basically like she she's learned to pick up on social cues really well um and she's done it in a way to to kind of know she's wanted and when it's time for her to go. And so the origin story of that is basically like she was at a hang, at a little kickback, and kind of overstayed her welcome. She got a little too happy to be there. It got to the point where the people who own the home were just like, hey, Stephanie, you actually like, we're really tired and we got work in the morning and she's like, oh, my bad. Oh my God.

And then she left. So that's kind of how she, that's, she picks up on it. Yeah, so that's kind of her thing. So she doesn't save people. She saves face. Yeah, yeah. So, you know

if the city's in danger she will she'll she'll get on out of there she knows where where she's not helpful right so

evacuations etc my bad girl girl yeah mostly just someone like

an overly apologetic person is what you yeah describe okay yeah so I kind of wish Jeff had that power perception the power of perception It's like an overly apologetic person is what you described. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm not sure it's not interesting, but Jeff is the line. What does that mean? You push yourself. You don't push the envelope. You are the envelope. You're not saying anything. I know you're a little, yeah. You're a roach. You're a roach in our home.

Brothers, we gotta call... What is this? The exterminator man, which is my guy. So my superhero is just the guy that sort of kills Jeff when necessary so he sprays down the exterior of the house and then you have to leave because he sort of puts down this powder

that'll disintegrate soon but it sort of attracts Jeff for lack of a better germ and he'll snort it. And then he'll go back home and infect himself. Snort it. And he'll snort it.

How does it attract me? It's like made out of, I don't know. Yeah, it's made out of like watches and fucking beer or whatever the fuck you like. And then you're like, ooh, what's that? It's a powder made of watches. And beer. On the siding of a house. And I'm into it.

On the inside, yeah. How did he become this god? I killed his parents. And so he owed you one for that? I guess. Welcome to Judging Monshi. What? America's newest game show, where the only rule is you got to judge Monshi.

We're going to listen to last week's HeadGum podcast and sort of see how Ferris did. This is a HeadGum original. All right, good so far. The right intro because it's a HeadGum original. Can I give a note? I'm your space. Can I give a note? Already?

There was like a pause between the intro and the sax. So maybe just kind of trim that up next time. Can I defend myself? You want to leave a beat for an ad insertion point. That's exactly right. Yeah. Necessarily needs to be that space so that we can insert ads and keep the show running. This segment's kind of blown up in your face. That's, yeah, I didn't know that actually.

That's okay. Yeah, you didn't. Let's, let's move't let's move on because you know maybe I'll kind of that's good bing bong let me just get our theme song queued up should all acquaintance bing bong let me just get our theme song queued up okay sorry so this podcast is just us listening to last week's podcast are you fucking kidding

that wasn't the interest are you fucking kidding that wasn't the interest you literally have been asking me for weeks to on a podcast and the podcast is just finally getting me to listen to the other episodes of this podcast are you for fucking real are you for fucking real right now the only thing I got out of this day is my family I got to experience it with my brothers and learn something new

about our dad that's the best part of this for me no not listening to you trying to find something that Ferris did wrong, right? Sort of hard as all to find gaps. Sorry, what? It's hard to find mistakes in what he did.

It's hard. Exactly. So why the fuck is it a segment? So why the fuck is that a game? It's like a game show. It's like a hunt. It's like scavenger hunt. A game show. You're trying to fucking embarrass this guy. He's helping you out. And he's right. You're wrong. It's like scavenger hunt. A game show. You're trying to fucking embarrass this guy. He's helping you out. And he's right and you're wrong.

What's the game? Let's just, you know what? Forget it. Yeah, forget it. Let's not do this segment. No, I don't want to forget it because that lets you off the hook. I want to remember this moment. We cannot do this segment, but I'll never forget this. Oh, yeah.

This has to be a major part of the episode and our history. For you to call out someone in the wrong like this. Amir, what's new with Charlize? Who? I wanted to get some updates from your good friend Charlize Theron. Charlize. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Charlize.

Charlize is, she's, you know, hanging in there. It's funny. I'm texting Charlize and she's like, hanging in there it's funny i'm texting charlie's and she's like she mostly like drunk she like gets charlie's gets like tipsy and stuff and she'll text me like uh like a little truth or dare thing so charlie's let me just pull up the last thing c-h-r-l-e-e-s charlie's all right so she says this is funny she ended up blocking me but she was like true or false or truth truth or dare charlie's said that and i was like uh i don't know truth like with a bunch of yous like true like i'm hesitant right and charlie sort of picks up on that and she's like you want to be dared and i was like all right the truth is

i want to be dared and she's like okay okay charlie's is like okay okay do me so i'm like okay truth or dare uh so then charlie's is like all right dare and i said okay i dare you to walk outside like barefoot and go in the middle of the street and scream like i know what you did last summer style what do you want from me and try to get like a video of her like barefoot in the middle of the fucking street where she lives and she's like like, okay, watch this. And Charlize, it's so funny because Charlize has a certain way of doing things in a way that's like kind of different from the way other people do it. So Charlize ends up, what's that?

How so? Because like this is such a specific dare. How do other people go out in the middle of the street and scream, I know what you did last summer style? Yeah. So Charlize like ended up, she got her daughter to fucking do it. You Did Last Summer style. Yeah, so Charlize ended up, she got her daughter to fucking do it. You know Marlies. So Charlize

because she always wears the robe CT, Charlize Theron. So she puts the CT robe on Marlies and Marlies ends up going out in the street. And I can see it's not Charlize, right? Because I know what Charlize looks like. Sure, from movies and TV. We're friends.

And she sends me the video and I leak it to TMZ. And she's like, I can't believe you fucking did that. And I'm like, Charlie's, relax. It's a funny little thing. It's a goop. It's like, let me leak this information. And then suddenly they trust me because then they start paying me for other shit, like weird dark shit.

I have a folder on my computer, not to get too much details, but I have a folder on my computer called Celebrity Autopsies. I have access to all this shit like all this shit like shit you don't even want to know about it's like gross gross shit so charlie's is like don't say all this shit like that don't say all this shit so charlie's ends up and i said this earlier i think i said she blocked me yeah you mentioned it so charlie's ends up blocking me because she thought I was threatening her in a weird way because I was telling her about the autopsy thing too and it's kind of like this weird moment. But I think she was just kind of tipsy or something

and now she's like, I want to give Charlize space. You think any time there's any pushback from Charlize that she's tipsy? She's mad at you. She's ornery. She's ornery. For you. For that. Really? Yeah, of you.

Now I feel bad a little bit. Is that the end? I'm sure she'll get back to it. Did it get worse from there? I tried FaceTiming her a bunch and it was a no-go. It was bad. I just got a text. Yeah, from? From Charlize or Marlies? Her lawyer, actually, but...

Name? What's his name? What's that? What's the lawyer's name? Harley's name? Harley's. Harley's. Harley.

Yeah, Harley's Theron. His last name is Theron. Yes, not spelled the same way. Is it H-A-R-L-I-Z-E or h-a-r-l-e-y-s it's that with an e at the end god harleze like a caprese salad almost you know he actually tried to create a new fucking caprese you know a caprese is right that's the least believable thing that you said. Charlize's lawyer, her attorney tried to come up with a new salad and seemingly failed, by the way, by your verbiage. So, caprese, you know, is buffalo mozzarella, heirloom tomato, basil, vinaigrette, right?

Sure. So good. Yeah, so good, right? So, the harlase, which ended up not going anywhere, was buffalo mozzarella, heirloom tomato, cherry tomato, vinaigrette toenails and a basil leaf like a fresh basil leaf

the second to last one before cherry tomatoes the basil is an interesting choice too the basil yeah because it's already on the caprese that's why it's not interesting you said toenails and when you bite into it it's like the toenail and the basil

sort of brings out this umami in the harleze and I'm not allowed to ever text him or her client again I'm trying to remain steadfast is that the right word? no I guess not

because he just said yeah you're not using Steadfast correctly. Oh, shit. Why does like weird shit always happen during this recording? You know what I mean? I don't know why. God. I don't know why.

But if he didn't ask you actually. It seemingly is 24-7 with you and Charlize. So that's just like, it's bound to happen. Now my back kind of hurts. So. So. Da-na-na-na. Da-na-na-na-na. Da-na-na. in the back kind of hurts so I'm being arrested I'm so sorry guys I might have to go yeah I am yeah they're

calling have you ever gotten a call from 9-1-1 I didn't realize that this was there's uh yeah somebody just knocked at your door I'm so sorry guys we can wait yeah you can go check it's fine yeah no no no I didn't I did not say that to her

I did not threaten her I did not threaten her he thought he left but his audio is still on I do have the folder of the autopsy yes I do have that folder and I will gladly bring that to you with my do have that folder and I will gladly bring that to you with my head in my hand but I will not

this whole thing is being blowed up did Harley SA set you up shit hold on hold on a second I'm still recording he's gone he has all that shit thank you guys so much for listening to this week's episode of the HeadGum Podcast. Thank you to our guests, our cult, this new cult that's formed.

Ferris, do you want to play us out with that act? You know what I was just figuring out, actually? This is going to be rough, but I was having some fun before we got on. Okay. So I was doing the, I have this kazoo really handy because it's actually a prominent player in the new lackluster video show we're doing. It's a main part of the theme music.

So I just have it around now because it's actually a beautiful instrument and I don't care what anyone says. There it is. That's really good. That's beautiful. I love you. That was a Hiddem Original.