The Headgum Podcast - 180: Micah Credit Score

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

Jake, Amir, Micah, and Emma join Geoff from the NYC studio for a bi-coastal episode, mostly consisting of debating which city has more scrumptious century eggs: New York or Los Angeles. Plus, they calculate Amir's credit score in terms of Micah.Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. We're probably the guys that make it bad. It's like the equivalent of going to the YMCA. No, it's like the YMCA except if it were a club. It's kind of like the W hotel but all baths yeah i think it's great i think you should go there though okay i think when you're feeling like you can walk or ride let me know and i'll take you to the bathhouse because we've got the cold plunge we've

got the hot tub we have the neutral pool we have the sauna excuse me what's so funny jeff the neutral what is that just like a cup of water it's a tepid bath for when you've had too much heat but you don't want to get in the cold but you don't want to leave Thank you, Emma. Why do I record just when Anya says? Why must I be on screen high res? My eyes are dry, why do I try to make quiz? It's always been I make shit that y'all hate. Has me all like I won't pull my weight.

Michelle hates me. Casey hates me. So does Masa. It's hard to be me. It's hard to be me It's not how I sound It's not that I'm brown It's just that I'm me Me

Yet I'm filled with glee and hoping y'all aren't and even are sad that I have had a song without charm. It's hard to be me. What have you become? What's that? Sorry, I can't hear anything.

Were you singing? Oh, uh... Yeah, a lot, actually. Yeah, for a minute and a half. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were, like, texting Anya that we weren't rolling yet or something. I was singing a lot.

I thought that sounded really good, Jeff. Really? Yeah. Maybe it's not that hard to be me. That was awesome of Micah to say. Friday. That Friday feeling. Is that a Frank Sinatra song?

It had to be you or something? It's like an old standard. I think Harry Connick Jr. might have had it first. And then Frank added his blue eyes to the bish. Yeah. It had to be you, right his blue eyes to the bish yeah it is it's had it had to be you right it is had yeah it's had it's had to be it had to be you it's hard to be me i don't know which song is more iconic at this point in terms of like what would we refer to it

as yeah it had to be you it would yeah it would be the first it would be the the the conic Sinatra joint for sure yeah but Johnny B. Good oh my god what fell there his entire coffee oh my god so much of it that was a pint it was absolutely a pint

it was huge when he sat down yes I was gonna comment on how it was a pint glass of it I said he took a huge swish

a pint glass of cold brew oh my god knocked over yeah which is a lot in a glass but when it spills said he took a huge swish. A pint glass of cold brew. Oh my god. Knocked over. Yeah. Which is a lot in a glass, but when it spills, it feels like a lot more. And it's actually devastating to lose that much coffee because he needed that. I don't know what time it is in LA. I guess it's

noon in LA. He shouldn't need it that much. But he planned to be sipping that throughout the whole podcast. Exactly. And remember when you spilled that like 16 ounce Coke on ben's rug and it just felt like a lot because like liquid when it spills out just went everywhere everywhere yeah i tried and that was probably that much to clean that up and that's probably that much right yeah i mean and it's all directly onto the wires cables and the chair that is a that's a knot of wires

right that's the nexus of the microphone impossible to clean and the chair and the carpet. That's a knot of wires, right? That's the nexus of the microphones that run. Impossible to clean wires. From there under the carpet to the station. How do you even begin? What do you even begin? It starts with a lot of paper towels, maybe even a sponge. The room is so small. He came back with nothing to clean that.

He came back with nothing. That is insane. There's no way. He came back with a new coffee. There aren't paper towels in the office. So that's it. We give up. That just needs to be soaked up by a towel.

That's a full beach towel. That's going to be soaked up by the rug. The thing is, this room is also so small. So to get back there, you basically need to take the chairs and couch out. It's forever changed. There's no way you can do a deep clean right now essentially to clean this studio we have to move yes yeah there's no way we can move all the furniture and then begin to clean the things it would take as long as the podcast would

let's see what he's come back with what is that just napkins hard napkins with a design this whole thing kicked off with him singing a song. It's hard to be me. Spilling. Those are the least absorbent. That's basically printer paper. Don't have paper towels in the office. Cocktail party napkins? My experience in the last minute and a half

was me scrambling and swinging open cabinets in the kitchen being like, there has to be. There has to be, Tom. Yeah. Luckily, coffee doesn't stain. coffee was a lot right coffee is the number one yeah i mean it luckily it's it's gonna be covered by the it's wires plus carpet the table so we're fine he's just loose he's not even pressing down like just to dab he's just laying on top for sure laying on top and it's like decorative napkins

which are like super like non-absorbing you know because you have to print on them look man bottom of the week I guess you're just posturing like you're cleaning it up it's not going to do anything that's what you would have to put down before you spilled

for it to make a difference like a tarp I almost did a tarp, actually. You're putting basically a wee-wee pad on top of an already spilled area of the rug. Oh, that's interesting. I think the biggest bummer here is that I had a large cold brew that I was excited to enjoy, and then now it's just gone. That's so sad. Where was it from?

It was from La Colombe. Don't we have that in the cold brew fridge? I think La Colombe is actually low-key some of the worst coffee around. I agree. I don't like it. It's too smooth. It's not good. It needs that bite. There's no there there when it comes to La Colombe. Yeah, exactly right. Can you fill it up? Isn't our fridge the La Colombe coffee?

I don't trust that there is coffee there either. There wasn't a paper towel. Because? I don't trust that there is coffee there either. There's a lot of offices that are lacking. There wasn't paper towel. Because oftentimes we don't have paper towels. The keg is often gone. Yeah, it's there and it has coffee. Yeah. Well, good start.

Good stuff. We should say that, yeah, Amir, you're in town for what? New York Comedy Festival or something? Yeah, we have a Hedgum show on Monday. Yeah. So it's a lot of y'all in the studio and me in the LA studio solo dolo. Yeah. Yeah.

No one to ask, hey, are there paper towels? Nobody knew that you'd be spilling an entire coffee today. So maybe the paper towels are on the way. I don't know if it's just like the universe trying to balance me out because i was riding that high of how well received the song was and will be i think only micah gave you a compliment on it yeah but micah accounts for a lot of what honestly we'll get to how micah accounts for how life can be good or bad oh micah is a bellwether. It's called Foreshadowing. Actually, I don't mind Micah doing a show at the bell house called Micah

is a bellwether. That's interesting. Did you say we're doing a show at the bell house? We're doing a show at Caveat. Yeah. Micah, are those the Clark's Wallabies? Yeah, they are. I just copped a pair of the maple suede, man.

Did you get the high top or the low? I got the low. The low's nice. Yeah, the high is a little too square for me in terms of business attire and also the way it's shaped. Yep. Don't get giddy when you talk to my brother. Be neutral or bad of it.

What's the energy over there usually when people are either on the zoom with me or in the room with me i can tell sort of a a temperature 3 30 p.m on a friday afternoon vibe so eager to leave and tired to be seager to carl to be. Seeger to Carl. Fuck you guys! That was good! The hard to be me, the spilling the coffee bit. And all of it

culminating with Seeger to Carl. I'm happy we got it on video. I'd like to see how much fell and what it looked like. Yeah, I don't know if the camera picked up on the floor because there's not a producer here. Just the shot of you with a glass next to you.

Ultimately, that... It'll be in the wide. Does it smell strongly of coffee? Oh, it reeks of beans. Yeah. Do you have a wide shot? I do have a wide shot. I have all have a wide shot i have all three angles going and i know my angles we have it we have it on camera for sure right um i kind of did want to talk about the lyrics though there i i do believe

those things it is that it's hard to be you it's hard to be me you know it's like i i you know everyone hates you. Yeah. Well, not everybody. I would say in human history, you're at the top 1% of people to be. Really? Everything was, billions and billions of people have it worse than you. Yeah. You were born on third base for sure. A hundred percent.

If not already on home. Right. So it's not hard to be you. Well, it's hard in terms of like the day-to-day. Maybe not like where I started or where I am. Historically, never been easier to be anybody but you. It's hard too because it's like, well, you know, because you go to like, yeah. So you're not listening to me.

No, it's hard. It's harder for everyone, nearly everyone else in human history but you. Right, but it's like. It's actually harder to be Casey because you make it harder on Casey. No, and I get that. I just, what I'm saying is that. Harder to be Anya. The first thing is like, why do I have to record when Anya says I have to?

You know what I mean? Like, yes, incredible education opportunities that I was afforded and like, you know. You're 25 and you live in Silver Lake. Exactly right. And like, I never really had incredible family. You're 25 and you live in Silver Lake. Exactly right. And like, I never really had like a real job after high school.

I like, yes. You haven't had to work hard and you live incredibly comfortably. Me and Amir king made you. Sure. Can you believe that? No, of course.

We king made you. Throne me. Basically dubbed you by accident. You said, watch this space slash the throne and then sat me on it. And then, it's been, what, four years of regret?

More. The issue was the mic. I was fine before I had a show. Yeah, that's true. You didn't have a platform. Right. I had platform heels that I swapped out for Clark's Wallabies slash this show. Maple, yeah.

I heard Emma barely chuckle right there. Yeah, Emma's here, but she's been with us for all recording sessions today. How many were there? All segments? Is it all segments? Sorry. How did the reception of the first

episode go? Do you guys want to talk about that for a bit? Yeah, I think it's mostly positive. I've seen some good comments on YouTube and Twitter and stuff sure what about listenership is it bigger than thank you how are you yeah what about listenership i think on average this one is bigger because it's like the first one back i'd be interested to see where we average out in the long run but for now yeah higher are you worried that it's gonna be like just cliff dive next week 80 000 impressions to what four right that i wouldn't be worried about that okay to four no yeah i don't think yeah four thousand not four right i guess i'm yeah i'm still not

worried about that okay no for sure for sure um yeah spills again what oh what about reception to the quality of content in terms of the segments i feel like that was covered in general answers how are people receiving the show we said people like it what and now you're drilling down on the quality of the segment? Nobody weighed in on that specific, I guess. And they definitely didn't weigh in on specifically not that either. Because other than that, there's not much to comment on. Okay.

Guys, I'm not your enemy here. Right? Like, I'm trying to promote your ass. I'm trying to promote your show. I'm trying to shed light on it and also, you know, kind of interview you about it in a way. You know, it's a press junk in it, almost. And you guys are coming at me like you're expecting the other shoe to drop. Yeah.

No, you, I mean, so far you asked, I think, the same question twice. Sure. But you can, I didn't mean to jump down your throat. You can ask more questions about it and we're happy to chat. Okay, so like, in terms of like, I don't know, jump down your throat. You can ask more questions about it, and we're happy to chat. Okay, so in terms of, I don't know, the thickness of the density of laughs, laughs per minute, where do you think you landed in that? Because there was the rap 4-bit, but I don't know much. You're asking us how many laughs per minute we think there are in the show.

Yeah, it's like laughs per page. You know what I mean? Like jokes per page. Like it's a numbers game ultimately of if somebody chooses to tune in week after week. I mean, don't get me started. We don't track that, but we thought people like. No, I'm not saying. Guys, I'm not saying like statistically like tracking data i mean your impression

of how it went right it was joke dense it was joke dense let's let's not argue that was all i was asked full of jokes and we had a good time and it was received well i love that i love to hear that that really does bring me joy. Mike, I feel like I haven't talked to you in a minute. It's been a while. Yeah. Has it felt like a respite to you or have you missed me? No, I've missed you.

It's hard to be me. Yeah, it's good to see you. me. Yeah, it's good to see you. How's, uh, what's the worst thing going on in your life right now? We, we're gonna play Padel. Sure. Have you played? No, is that like Roger Goodell? It's like

paddle tennis. Oh, nice. But it's called Padel. It's a different sport. Okay. Slightly slightly who's we ad everybody in the office the three of us plus joel the worst thing that happened to me is jake backed out of the second hour of padel um because he's feeling sore from a couple of i have a flu and i got a flu and COVID vaccine yesterday. So my body's feeling sore. So I didn't feel like I could play two hours of Padel. I get that.

After Micah unilaterally made the decision yesterday to book us for two hours instead of one. Guys, save it for the courts. I mean, this is perfect backstory. You and Micah are playing on the same team. You hit each other with a racket. So the hardest thing is that Jake can't That's a pretty good, you're in a pretty good spot. Would you say you're very joyful this year?

Yeah, things are good. What about the dog sitting? Oh yeah, I'm dog sitting. And I'm dog sitting a puppy that has her period. And she's been bleeding all over my apartment. She's shedding? Is that what you said? No, she's bleeding. Oh. Well, she's been bleeding all over my apartment she's shedding?

is that what you said? no she's bleeding she's shedding her coat and also her uterine lining I guess Emma? yeah that's what it is that's right Jeff good job I was like seeing if you were laughing

I assume it's the same Jeff I've been mic'd this whole time you will know if I'm laughing this sucks and it's really sensitive it picks everything up um how many minutes has it been like since she stopped you can ask as the host of a podcast i'm just wondering if it's time for the first segment or if we should still just be waxing it's time i think it's time it's time i if it's time for the first segment or if we should still just be waxing. I think it is time. I think it's time. It's time. I think it is time. Perfect episode to dive into that ye olde, hearkened debate of New York versus LA.

Because I'm in love. What's that? Sorry. I said all right. I was encouraging you to move forward. Sort of ganging up on me so far. People in New York kind of coming at me. I don't know if it's because I'm in LA or...

Or because you trashed the office while we weren't there. What are you going to do with those napkins? Do you think you'll keep them there on the floor or soak them in? They've been soaking. You can't really tell. There's no way. They look bone dry. You didn't step on them to sort of... You know when you spill something on a carpet and you sort of press down into it? Step on? You don't have to step on it. You're supposed to

dab, not rub. I dabbed. I didn't rub. I didn't... Guys. Let's get into the debate, alright? Okay, yeah, sure. New York versus LA. Y'all are in New York. Is that fair to say? Yeah. Let's get into the debate, alright? Okay, yeah, sure. New York versus LA. Y'all are in New York. Is that fair to say?

Yeah. You said let's get into the debate, so let's get into the debate. Also, is there anything new, or is it just an open concept? We'll talk about the things people always say about New York. It's an open dialogue, but there are pinpointed fucking debate points here go number one is traffic for new york yeah yes of course but i'm gonna play devil's advocate because it's a debate so traffic and it's worse where that's what that's what we have to figure out i'm gonna say la because there's not really public transport there There is, but it's not ideal.

And even if you take the bus, you're in the traffic. If you're in New York, yeah, there's traffic. But who's driving, Micah? Nobody. If you're not in the U.N., you're not in a car. Do you want to have a debate or do you want to just yell at us? Do you want to have a debate or do you want to just yell at us? The worst I've seen or experienced has been the L stopping at 3.30 in the morning for maintenance and then I have to go upstairs to the street level and take a lift back to AJ and Johnny's house.

Yeah, which isn't bad because at that point there's no traffic. Exactly right. And I'm already in Williamsburg and I only have to get out to Ridgewood. Right. It seems like the hardest is getting to the airport. It seems like the hardest. Like if you have a 4 p.m. flight. Yeah.

Just being you. Is that what you're going to say? Well, I was going to say, yeah. It's hard to be me. Yeah, but that's not related to the city, so that's why I stopped myself. Sort of self-edited. Micah, traffic? Yeah.

I think there's a lot of traffic. Car traffic. Sure. There's a lot of traffic car traffic Sure there's a lot of car traffic in New York Definitely but I think it's justified Because the city is so dense Yeah in LA it seems more Like there's traffic because the city is so poorly Organized Thank you

Thank you for saying that Is that fair that is fair and that way I didn't have to say it Because I'm so worried in this segment that Amir's gonna fucking blow up at me because I know he loves LA because he grew up in LA, born and raised. I mean, I understand that traffic is hard, yeah.

I'm not mad at you saying that. Okay. Moving on to quality of gash slash ash. That's an interesting point. What were the two words? Gash slash ash. That's an interesting point. What were the two words? Gash slash ash. Gash slash ash. It's weird that you ever messed up

because it's always an S-H. When he asked you what the words were, you messed up several additional times. And it's never the S. It's always S-H. It shouldn't trip you up. Can anyone else say it? Glass.

No. I don't know. I still don't know what the word is. It's Ash. Not so easy. Is it Bloomin' Style? Ash. Ash.

Ass or Ash? Ass. Gash? I thought he was saying glass. So I'm not like, which, which. Jesus Christ. That was so loud. Which city has better quality sexual partners?

Exactly. Who's hotter? New York or LA? But are you saying slash ass or ash? Which city has better quality sexual partners? Who's hotter? New York or LA? Are you saying slash ass or ash? Ass, but it's spelled ash. Got it. Are we factoring in personality? Yeah.

I think New York wins. New York for sure. Yeah. That seemed like an insult towards New York because you had to specify personality though. Well, I mean, it's a toss-up if it just looks. I think if it just looks, also New York. I think New York is hotter. Yeah, New Yorkers are hotter.

I think they're hotter. And I don't know if it's just that you're on the subway and you're seeing everybody that's attractive versus in LA you're just seeing you in your rearview mirror or what. But I do think that I'm like in New York and I'm always like oh wow everybody's hot and then in LA I'm like everybody's trying to be hot but they're actually not interesting I feel like when I went to that bar with you there's a lot of hot people there which bar uh the Zebulon yeah Do we have to bleep that out? Yeah, Zebulon people show out, but it still is so, there's an air of desperation.

New York. I mean, that's very LA in general. For sure. It's a desperate city. It's a desperate city. That's why I've calmed into what I am today, which is sort of like a zen version of myself, where it's like, I could take or leave anything. Like, ask me if I care about something.

It seems like you hold a grudge. You named three or four people that hate you in your song up top and that's only that's three of many yeah that i could have named things affect you chambers hasn't returned any of my calls ryan chambers our head of sales yeah i can't believe you have his number. Angie moved to Ventura because of me. How fucked up is that? That's really messed up. That's so far away. Moving on to affordability. LA, I think.

They're both very expensive, seeming. Yeah. Especially since COVID. The day-to-day expenses, though, when I lived in New York, were far exceeded the day-to-day expenses, though, when I lived in New York, were far exceeded the day-to-day expenses of LA. Also, rent is like $400 cheaper for what you get, I think, in New York. Yeah, I think rent...

No, I think rent's more expensive in New York. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what I meant to say. Yeah. Okay. Have you looked at, like, one-bedroom apartments in New York? Of course. There's a perfect one on Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint, Prime Greenpoint. That'd be $3,500 a month.

$2,400 a month, but that's a studio. It's like the equivalent of what I have here for $800 more per month. Yeah. If you want a one bedroom, I don't think you can find one in Williamsburg Greenpoint under three. That's crazy.

I live in a one bedroom in the East Village for $22. Wow. And Manhattan is like cheaper than Brooklyn right now. I guess maybe That's crazy. I live in a one-bedroom in the East Village for $22. Wow. And Manhattan is like cheaper than Brooklyn right now. I guess maybe that's why. There you go. Which city has better century eggs? What is a century egg? Century egg is like a fermented duck

egg in Hunan cuisine. Probably New York. I think New York because I haven't found good Chinese food in LAan cuisine. Probably New York. I think New York, because I haven't found good Chinese food in LA. Yeah. Well, it's in like the San Gabriel Valley. Do you include that as LA? Yeah, I just haven't made it out there yet. I don't think you can.

I don't think you can include something in Los Angeles County as LA. Like, does New York have good grass? No. But what if you count the Hudson Valley? That's cheating, Amir. Or kind of like Brooklyn in New York. Yeah.

Maybe Prospect. Emma, have you had a century egg? I don't know what that means. Okay, moving on to climate. It's gotta be New York, right? Yeah, I mean, I think it's New York. I enjoy the seasons. Though I will say it's getting cold right now,

and I'm not happy about it. You're pissed, yeah. I'm cold over it. Yes. I'm chilly. And it has been a rougher transition this year than years previous. 100%.

You're cold open of it. Nice. Because it's, yeah, the beginning of winter. Yeah. But climate is actually, LA is on fire half the year. Yeah. You're dealing with mudslides, earthquakes, drought, then also flooding. Impending doom at literally any second.

Statistically, scientifically. Yeah, waiting for the big one to hit. We should die any minute now yeah i yeah you're a hundred years past due for your uh catastrophic earthquake yeah so yeah i would say la is worse climate wise yeah and getting worse it will be getting worse new york will be getting kind of maybe not better but it'll be different. Soho will be Miami by the time my daughter's in college. It'll be so heat. Yes.

That's good. Um, Micah climate. Yeah. Um, I think New York is like immune to whatever the climate is doing. If it's snowing, if it's raining,

if it's sunny, if it's cloudy, it doesn't matter. New York is awesome. Yep. For snowing, if it's raining, if it's sunny, if it's cloudy, it doesn't matter. New York is awesome. Yep, for sure. What about ease of retreat? How many do you have, by the way? This is one of many.

It has to be New York because there's a lot of, you can go, there's a lot of different exit points from the city and LA we already talked about the traffic I was trying to get to Palm Springs on a Friday night and it took me almost 2 and a half, 3 hours I'm going to Oak Glen tomorrow

to go apple picking it's going to take me a whole ass day Oakland? to go apple picking? oh Oak Glen got it Oakland. Oh, Oakland. Got it. Beyond Bonnie Banks and beyond my own Bonnie Bridge. Infrastructure.

Let's talk about it. Meaning? Equal, I think. They're both pretty bad. Yeah, you don't really know because you don't know what that word means, really. What do you mean by infrastructure? The bridges are okay. Public transport, though. All right, New York.

We're going to have to go New York. City works, city parks. Right? Have you had a century egg? I've never tried the century egg. I've never really had the... Because I'm always just like... I'd rather have the General Tso's.

Right. Maybe ask them to overcook some fried rice. Yeah. Char. Piece of rind. What is that? It means how easy can you get fruit on the street? LA takes the cake for sure.

I don't know. I think New York actually does. I passed several fruit stands on my way home from work. Really? LA, your only fruit stands you can get, you're driving. You have to like kind of pull over. Yeah.

But there's the one on, there's the one on Benton near the 101. I can't think of another one. I called the city on that one. The fruit stand in Malibu. I shut them down. Yeah.

Right. That's, sucks of you. Yeah. Tax rates. My own money. LA is better. Is it? Yep. yep okay seems like that that was the first one that was quantifiable everything else so far has been incredibly that's why it's a debate

that's why i have that why have the taxes one if marika brought this segment in you guys would be like yeah let's really get into it that's really interesting marika instead if it is a debate you've agreed with everything that we said because i don't like that you're gonna play devil's advocate i'm conflict diverse you're playing angel's best friend i already sang a verse so i'm conflict of it that's the commercial point right there we will be right back but we're're not going to leave this segment. We've got a lot more points to get to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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What's that? Check it out. And we're back. Let's talk about sand or not. You suck, man. You made me deaf. And then the first thing I hear back, sand or not. How do we debate that? Are there beaches or not. How do we debate that?

Are there beaches or not? There's beaches in both places. Better beaches in LA. Yeah, according to the Better Beaches Bureau. I agree. Hard to get to. I think, here's the thing. I do really want to move to New York.

I don't think I should yet. We've talked about this a lot about what are you waiting for? Why yet? I want to make a ton of money doing what I love in my career and then I'll move to New York Okay, so you'll never move to New York Yeah, New York is better when you're dirt poor because you don't mind all the inconveniences And like what about the conveniences of the pennies? Yeah, you have to be so rich to be rich in New York

How rich do you have to have? How much money do you think you have to be so rich to be rich in New York. How rich do you have to... How much money do you think you have to have? A million dollars? Probably like five million dollars. You think you have to have five million dollars? You can't have fun in New York without five million dollars. No, I'm saying you could be really poor and have a lot of fun. But if you want to be rich and live a baller lifestyle

and have a cool house and a car and eat wherever you want, it's a lot, a lot more expensive here. I feel like Micah lives the perfect life in New York york though and he doesn't have five million dollars no micah i don't well didn't you say like to ball out you said you want you said you want it to be rich yeah i don't i'm not rich okay so you have what like three and a half or four million that's a lot that's a lot that's a lot that's close's a lot He can't ball out not on three and a half. Yeah All right. Well, yeah, let me make five million dollars and then i'll move to new york I think you can do it

You shouldn't tie it to any kind of benchmark, right? Because then you'll keep on moving the goalposts. You got to just move out here. It should be in your 20s I would think yeah the younger the better. better yeah really and now you have a significant other it's actually cheaper than ever to move here you couldn't have done it when you were single because you'd have to spend three grand to live in a studio but now you can split that with a loved one or a lover i thought you were gonna say he because he would be just pouring money out trying to get a date yeah that's now it's cheaper to do that see like what are those kinds of quips? Like, no one would ever say that to Micah.

But then, like, Emma, like, comes at me and I can't even see her on the camera. Yeah. Sorry. They all want you to move out here. Half-assed sorry. Sand or not. I brought that up, though, to be, like, the one time that I'm in L.A. and I'm like, there's no place like this in the world

is when I'm like at the beach yeah there's no else in the world with beaches well no I mean he's right there are places with beaches but where you can like you know have your job career be on your

tab yeah excuse me I'm trying to defend you man I'm just like yeah if you're trying to be a writer right no writer actor he's like he's living in the best possible place for him career-wise and also enjoying nature in that way and sand being a tiny rocks I think is that correct America correct me i go iconic landmarks or not or not uh it's got to be new york i mean we we work right around the corner from teddy roosevelt's birthplace literally teddy yeah meanwhile in la you could just find where uh fucking triple x movie salon that richard n Nixon got caught cranking it. Yeah.

There's still the afterbirth at the Teddy Roosevelt house on the floor. They'd refuse to clean it up. Yeah. I find the iconic landmarks in LA to be just very strange. Like the Hollywood sign was just like an, it was like a makeshift billboard for like a gated community. And then like, I guess the Griffith Observatory is cool.

The James Dean statue. Yeah, why? And then like the lamppost art thing at LACMA is fine. And the Playboy Mansion is like a house that was built to look a hundred years older than it actually is.

Meanwhile, in like Rye and Bedford, New York, every single house next to each other is bigger and better than the Playboy Mansion. Yeah, there's more history out here. Exactly right. It's an older city. There's never been an oil baron

to live in Los Angeles. Uh, I wonder if that's true. This stuff isn't uninteresting if you engage. Let's just move on to appreciating value. Appreciating value. That was a double entendre slash edge sword. Basically, is the city, are the property values appreciating? And then also, is the city's value appreciating in the eyes of the younger generations in terms of cool and cash?

Yeah, New York is a global brand. L.A. is kind of a hack city piece of shit, second-rate wannabe, nothing town. It wishes it was Italianate, but what it ends up being is just Nate. Yeah. What's Italianate? It's like of Italian, like, sphere. It's like of Italian like sphere. It's like

He's not wrong. Of Italian. It's of Italianate? Isn't it just Italian? Italianate. It's like architecture. It's like architecture. You're starting to infect Jake.

Italianate definition. Conforming to the Italian type or style or custom and manners. Nice. Century egg on Amir's face. I was hoping you'd say that. Iconic bag stores.

I think that's gotta be equal. No, I think it's New York. Soho is a mall. Beverly Hills is just a mall so is yeah you can go to chinatown and get like the best knockoffs on the street yeah i think new york you go to chinatown in la if we're not talking knockoffs if we're talking about the best actual bags okay we're talking about lvmh sure we're talking about biggest luxury in the world coach

air mess excuse me air mess then i then I feel like you're talking about Rodeo Drive just as much as you're talking about Fifth Avenue, just as much as you're talking about Soho, just as much as you're talking about Hell Pasadena for that matter. I think they're on equal footing. Rodeo Drive is like a hundred yards long. Fifth Avenue is like four miles.

I can't say that I that i agree to change your mind i think they're equal i think they're equal wow all right let's end it on rinder sand is that what let's just let's end this the way everyone wants like we're going We're moving on to a segment that I like to call Micah credit score I can't hear anything you're saying You can't talk during the sound effects Because it drowns you out Y'all have heard of the FICO credit score?

Uh huh This is the Micah credit score Why did it have that intro? It was just the first song button that I saw Got it NFL on Fox How do you play it? How do you play it? Intro. It was just the first song button that I saw. Got it. NFL on Fox. Yeah.

How do you play it? How do you play it? Basically, we're going to go down. And Micah, I want you. You're kind of at the helm here. It's almost Micah takes the reins, but I will be guiding your ass. You're going to give each and every one of us on the room, on the Zoom or in the room, a Micah credit score based on these line items so let's start with the mirror and let's start with what this is broken down into what most conventional

credit scores are based on but this is going to be for basically our personalities slash us as people holistically right so let's start with the mirror uh 35 of most credit scoring apps use payment history as you know sort of a barometer. The Micah credit score is going to be based on payment listerine. Payment what? The episode ends right there. Payment listerine. Basically, how fresh do they keep not only their breath, but also their perspectives,

their clothes, their house, but also their perspectives, their clothes, their house, their digs, etc. Okay. And he's answering about a mirror? This is just for a mirror for now. How fresh do I keep my digs? Is the question. We're trying to sort of sift through

the shit to find a little kernel of question that Micah can actually answer. Exactly right. That's a question to you. It's up to you. How fresh does Amir keep his dicks?

And I have to give him a score? Out of 35. Think about it. Truly, this is like I know it sounds crazy But you can really do this Yeah it does sound crazy It does

But that's for the Comedic effect I think it's interesting I think it's interesting We're trying to see If you How fresh you keep Your stuff

Your house Have you not seen Amir's house He has never been in the house It's the vibe you put off Yeah 28 28

Amir had the same backpack for 15 years. What does fresh mean? Does fresh mean stylish or does it mean clean? That's where you're at the helm. Fresh fruit. That's where Mike is at the helm. I think he's pretty neat and tidy. You think he's neat?

Relatively. Well, this is the Mike-o credit score. This is the Mike-o credit score. It's not the Amir-ion, alright? It's not the Xperion, the Amir-ion, right? this is the micro credit this is the micro credit score it's not the emirion all right it's not the experion the emirion right this is the micro credit score so like all right and i'm trying to i'm trying to influence it and i should stop no you got that i think there's a 14 but let's that's the jacob credit that's mike mike has said 29 28 28 all right uh Moving on to amounts owed. Now basically this is going to be like

did you guys see that speech that Obama gave like 8 years ago where he was like if you have a business, you didn't build that. And then like the Republicans got all upset because it goes against this like pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality. It's the same idea here where it's not what are your debts in terms of cash. It's the same idea here, where it's not, what are your debts

in terms of cash? It's what are, how much do you owe to your upbringing, to your circumstance, to the people that helped you along the way? So, what's your impression there

in terms of Amir's debts owed to others? Is there a number? 30. Is that a 30? Nonsense question. 20. Amir, would you agree with that?

I don't even know what you're asking. I'm asking how much do you owe your success and joy to others versus just all your own ingenious behavior? I would owe a 30 out of 30 to others. But Mike, I did already graded you at 20 so let's move on okay i guess lower is better because it means like you did it yourself yeah but no because it means you lack community not really i think 20 is a really nice good score it means you have a great support system and you did a little bit yourself i think that's really

which is interesting because now that lowers the score overall. It lowers the credit score, yeah. In essence, that being probably the best number to give and get. Because it's balanced. That should get you a 30. Sure. Yeah.

Well, we do have to move on to... So a lot of these credit scores use credit history length. This is going to be phallic length. And are we doing this for all of us or just Amir? I was ideally going to do this for everyone, but if we doing this for all of us or just Amir? I was ideally going to do this for everyone, but if we only get to Amir, I won't be mad at that.

All right. It seems like you want to do a dick measuring contest of one. Phallic length out of 15, Micah. Jesus, 15. Not inches, just like score. Yeah, scale. Let's say, yeah. I think like a 9.

9 is bigger than average. Yeah. Slightly. Credit mix. This is often 10% of credit scores. This is going to be, are you mixed? Like, will I eat at mixed? The salad place near the office.

Like, is your ethnicity all one Or not This is to me again This is Micah Ascertaining and deciding of Amir's Ethnic background Out of what number That's gonna be out of ten

Ten Five So he is Are you so he is are you saying he is mixed or he's not mixed of things alright

5 I don't want to disagree with 23andMe says I'm 100% Ashkenazi Jew so that wasn't even an accurate

assessment on Micah's part why are we doing this that's a great question why are we doing this

but the other stuff was also pretty random, it seemed. New credit, right? This is often also 10% of a credit score, and I think this usually docks something. But this question is more like, how often does Amir strive for new? Is he adventurous?

Does he go out of his comfort zone or not? Is he... This is out of what number? Ten? Four. It's going to be out of ten. Ten is being the most adventurous? Absolutely it is.

Like a two? That's pretty accurate, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Missed payments. Missed texts. that's pretty accurate yeah yeah for sure missed payments missed texts how often does Amir miss his parents on a scale of 1 to 9

how homesick does Amir get missed payments missed texts, how often does he miss slash long for others, etc. This is out of whatever you decide. So this is all bonus. This is all gravy. This could be a million. So if it's zero, he never longs or never misses?

Exactly right. So this is truly gravy. Zero. Okay. Not getting any points there. Too many inquiries. Meaning, how many hard credit asks has hit your social security number slash tax ID?

Basically, there's no social equivalent to this one. So let's just have Mike and guess. There absolutely is. Actually, pull up your credit karma score let's get the real number here you mean credit karma? so we're not even close right? there's two more, this is too many inquiries

what I've gleaned from my social interactions with humans my entire life, people don't like when you ask them questions about themselves or at the very least there's like a threshold where you ask too many and then people start to get a little invasive. What's that? It feels invasive.

Yeah, I don't know. So too many inquiries. The last time that we were at dinner, remember, Jeff, and that was, it wasn't a work dinner per se, but it was everyone that we worked with. Well, it wasn't. I thought it was a work dinner at per se. Okay. Per se. Okay.

During which you asked everyone to say their favorite thing about themselves, both like personality trait and physically. Which I thought was a weird line of inquiry to your co-worker. Well, clearly you've committed it to memory and are holding it against me in some way. I didn't remember saying that. We were at Mosul, by the way. Tov. I didn't remember saying that We were at Mazel by the way I

I didn't Yeah nobody answered it so I don't know why anyone's upset I can say it What's my favorite thing about myself They're upset because they didn't answer Well you said your ass and you pulled out a photo of your ass Really Yes

That's physical though But that's no problem Dead ass Dead ass Dead ass That's physical, though. But that's no problem. Dad ass. Dad ass. As in he's let it go. Dead ass. Let it go. Let ass go.

Don't do that many squats. Micah. Does Amir ask too many questions of others? What is the scale for this? I'm just doing zero. Outstanding debt. What more does he have to give? Yes.

Ten. Got it. Alright, so calculating this, so out of the possible points, percentage points of 35. Whatever number you say is meaningless. 15, 10, and 10 out of 100. This score is going to be out of 100.

28 plus 20 plus 10 plus 5 plus 2 plus 10. It is 74%. So we're going to do .74 times what is it? 800? 850 depending. Amir, buddy.

I'm not affected by that because it's been gibberish until now. Your Micah credit score is... Drumroll queef. Drumroll quiz. 629 Buddy you're not getting the FHA loan You're not getting Candy Mae Nor Frenny Fetty Mac You're not getting

A personal key lock When there's a job You're not getting anything No heat lock, Doc. When there's a zombie, you can't hear anything. No one thinks that you can finance me at Florida or not. You're not going to be able to finance the Jordans. You're not going to be able to put things on layaway. You're going to be on food stamps. What'd you say?

Six what? I said your Micah credit score is 629. So you did it out of 800, not 850. No, I did it out of 850. Some of them are out of 800. 75% of 850? Yep. And I said, you're not going to be able to finance.

You're not going to be able to refinance. You're not going to be able to get the lower interest rate, like 2021 January style. You're not going to be able to do the Klarna when you're trying to buy some kind of ring or Cuban link, designer m mink you can't finance Jack because people don't think that you can pay for it in earnest or kind Okay, or maybe not people but at the very least Micah yeah, maybe not people is right That seems like it's about enough

Plugs, what do you guys have going on? What do you want to point the people towards? Let's start with Emma, then go Micah,

and then we'll end things with Jake and Amir as a duo. Wow. I have no plugs. You can follow me on Instagram at Emma Rose Foley.

You asshole. Sorry. Micah? Micah, go ahead. I have no plugs. Don't follow me. Don't at me. Don't talk to me.

Don't find me anywhere. I'm just happy to be here. Thanks, Jeff. That was easy. Amir? I'm on Instagram. I don't know how else to say it. I'm fucking happy to be on the gram.

It's Adam here. We have a new podcast segment, so you got to watch it. Subscribe to the channel that it be on the gram. It's Adam here. We have a new podcast segments. You got to watch it. Subscribe to the channel that it's on, on YouTube. It's like Jake and Amir podcast or something. So find it on Instagram. What the fuck are you talking about? Jake?

Is that Casey? That's Casey. I will be, when is this episode coming out? This is coming out November 24th. November 24th? Thanksgiving Day. Yep.

Then you're really burying this one. Then I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. You'll have missed me in New Orleans, Orlando, and Fort Lauderdale, so don't bother buying tickets. Those shows already happened. Slaughterdale. I'll come up with a sign.

At Jeffrey James on Instagram. Watch this space. I don't know what else to say. There's some exciting stuff coming down the pipeline for the show. No, there's not. We don't have the budget.

We don't have the budget. I tried to make some shit happen this weekend. I tried to make something happen literally tomorrow when we're recording and it didn't. What are you trying

to make happen? I tried to do a live show at madison square garden yeah we don't have the budget for that really there should be a live show i don't know why that you guys know we are trying to do a mini tour next year according to katie but i i've a lot of over promising a lot of under delivering yeah katie works i think you set your sights on madison everything everything she says she's going to do. It's got to be lower than that. So if you're not going on tour, it's because Katie doesn't want you there.

Yeah. So you're going to have to find out why. SF Sketch Fest. She says we're submitting. Also, Amir, can I nail you down in a veil right now? Well, actually, I'll text you. Namaste. That's Daz, folks.

Don't be upset. Don't take that energy into the weekend. I'm here. I'm here. That was a HGum Original.