The Headgum Podcast - 184: Santa Bitch (w/ Reilly Anspaugh & Miles Bonsignore!)

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Reilly Anspaugh (Review Revue) and Miles Bonsignore (Perfect Person) join Geoff to discuss Santa's naughty plans for this year and to improvise an updated version of "Santa Baby."Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to a segment that I like to call Vague 73 Questions. Sorry, who did you run into? Phineas O'Connor. Billy Eilish hit it off? We didn't talk.

So you didn't run into him. We brushed ebbles. Nice. Alright, here we go. You guys know Vogue's 73 questions videos? Yeah. Well, this is vague 73 questions. Wait, I think I'm going to sit up.

Yeah. I think you should keep sliding down until you're off the couch this is actually more comfortable you're in how's this for the framing though Casey can you still see me cat

hi right not even 20 seconds in and he's already plugging his merch. Hi, the merch. Right? Christmas episode edition of the HeadGum Podcast. We've got a stacked duo. We've got Miles Bonsignore.

It's so loud. We've got Miles Bonsignore double cheeked up on Christmas Eve. And we've got Riley and Spa bringing up the rear end. Yay! Do we just sync our recording? We do not. Okay. Do we just sync our file Our recording

We do not Okay Um you guys are bringing An energy that can only be described as okay Miles He's fucking crazy dude I got a wild energy going on He's kind of normal

Second pod of the day that I'm recording today I recorded one this morning with the tripod with the try guys. And how was that? It was good. Did Ned return or? Yeah, he's back. Are,

do you feel like you spent all of your good creative energy on that one? And this one is kind of like the dregs. I don't think you even have to ask him that because I feel like his whole vibe since he joined the zoom. Yeah, it's pretty obvious. I'm spent and I'm, I pretty obvious. I'm spent and I'm really... I'm spent.

I'm spent and I'm pulling from the bottom of the barrel for this guy, baby. Also, I was on the HeadGum podcast on Friday, so I'm like back again. It's like favorite. This is going to be better than that. This is going to be better than that. I tried to get Riley on that episode. It didn't end up working out. You didn't like that

episode? I thought it was fun, right? I thought you were good. I thought I was good. I thought I wasn't there. You thought everyone else was bad, huh? I thought Brad was good. I thought Brad was good. I wasn't there.

I thought Brad was great. Brad was wearing a cool outfit I liked. I thought Casey was good. Okay. I thought Will Conover could have brought it a little bit more. Just Will singling it out. I don't want to pull him out. I don't want to call him out.

Just him. But, you know, he was kind of like, you know what? I maybe should have to pull him out. I don't want to call him out. It's just him. But he was kind of like... You know what I maybe should have said to him? Pull your weight. Comedically. Do you think that the three of us should commodify our friendship into sort of a will-they-won't-they parasocial thing

where we kind of... A love triangle? Not a love triangle, Jeff. It's offensive that you ask that because even though Riley and I are in amazing relationships and you also are in a relationship. Sorry, why is mine not an amazing one? Because you're a sour

egg of sorts. I'm a reg egg. I'm a regular egg. I'm fine. It's where they boil the egg in the onsen. The onsen hot spring. I had hard boiled eggs for breakfast. Here we go. Let's hear it. What did everyone have for brekkie?

This is Olivia Rodrigo, All-American Bitch. We can barely hear that. Is it the SNL performance? What did you just say? Oh, that's the name of a song. Is this the SNL performance? This is the SNL. That's for sure. I thought that you just called her that.

I didn't know that that was the name of an album or song. This is Olivia Rodrigo, the all-American bitch. No, not the. N. Hey, guys, Olivia Rodrigo's a bitch. Let's hear this song. The most cancelable radio DJ ever. Olivia Rodrigo, all-American bitch.

Let's hear this song. Let's hear an artist that's never done anything wrong. Michael Jackson. Oh, boy. What was that? What is that clip from? This?

It seems like it's from a video game anime type thing. Correct. Already? Already? Already? No way. Bond of the week, I'm going Dasher. That was so fast. Fucking reindeer?

The reindeer, because you want to know why? He's Dasheringly handsome. Come on, guys. Vixen's the hot one. Vixen's the one that fucks. No, Vixen's the bomb girl. You got Dasher, Dancer Prancer Prancer is a fucking

I don't know Prancer's way too skinny to be Bob COVID Omicron RSV And Vixen And Hepatitis B The deer Do you guys have any bonds of the week christmas edition

style it's got to be and i know i've said this before but it's got to be addison ray reprising the role uh she's hot off of that movie thanksgiving that i didn't see yet but patrick dempsey was in it and i just gotta support eli roth so you think she's just gonna keep bouncing holidays i think she's gonna going to keep bouncing holidays? I think she's going to, I hope she does Easter next cause he has risen. And then I hope he also, I hope that she,

the dream is that it's a bond swap. Okay. Sorry. You hope that Addison Rae doesn't Easter film because Christ is risen because he's back and he's ready to go. But I am hoping, I'm hoping that it's okay. Picture this Addison Rae screw me that's

Bond and then Jacob Elordi is the Bond guy like the villain no like a Bond girl but it's the Bond guy and he's sort of a little I'm listening check please

I'm having oh and speaking of check please let's hear it from jeffrey james this is the check please rick love interviews from nine years we can't keep doing this i muted miles i muted miles we cannot keep doing this with my digital footprint because that one i don't have any fucking choice i cannot we can't hear you done he said he's done unmute him he can unmute himself um well it was just that you were talking about how you used to edit on a g4 mac yeah i thought it was good character building it's not it's because what it is is is it's it's building. It's not. It's because what it is, it's character assassination. It's not building anything.

It's tearing at the fabrics of a loving relationship that I have with myself. Do you think I'm tearing? Bond of the Week, Taryn Edgerton. My crush is back. My crush is back because I watched all of Blackbird on Apple TV in the day.

Blackbird, Riley's eating Taryn's ass. Oh, honey. He got fucking ripped for that show. And let me just say, him and Kingsman, him and Rocketman, hot as shit. Him and Blackbird, not a type I usually go for. No, he's too buff. Jacked and handsome. No, I don't normally go, like, that level of jacked is normally not appealing to me.

You also love, what's his name from the bear Jeremy White well here's the thing about Taron Egerton it's like Tom Holland got stung by a thousand bees and also in that movie, in that show Taron Egerton is like grossly buff he's like greased up and what's his name

the guy from that movie that Clint Eastwood directed grossly buff. Like, it's like, he's like greased up. And then they got, and what's his name? Fucking, the guy from that movie that Clint Eastwood directed is like, oh, Paul Walter Hauser. Yeah. Otherwise known as,

not Paul Blart Mall Cop. What's the name? Paul Walt House Cop. No, he was in that movie that was a biopic. Hi, Tanya. No, really good close,

but it wasn't that, but I'm going to, it wasn't, Cruella, the biopic. And I just have to, Richard Je wasn't Cruella Richard Jewell he's in Richard Jewell this isn't Christmas themed

I said Bond of the Week Christmas edition and you guys have said like Apple G4 that I got for my birthday he got it for his birthday guys I don't know why that was an important thing sounds like you're 8 years old I was 13 and also he was the youngest thing. Sounds like you're eight years old. I was 13.

And also, he was the youngest guy Rick Love had ever interviewed at the 2014 Roche Wine Tasting Room in Sonoma. Does it matter? It doesn't matter

what age Rick Love interviewed people out of Vineyard. My holiday bond is Santa because it's Christmas and I want Santa to be Bond. That's really good. That is so obscenely loud.

Miles and I both just had to tear our headphones out. No, sir. Moving on. It was so fucked up. Holiday plans. How do you guys plan on spending your boxing days? Thank you for acknowledging Box day i love boxing day right um i do i really love boxing day and what does boxing day mean to you riley boxing day is

the day that you just lie around and do fuck all you are may you have a little drink you watch a lot of old films you have some food and a tear because the end of the year is here. And New Year's gives me anxiety. Yes. What day is Boxing Day? The 26th? The 26th, yeah.

So it's on Boxing Day. What does Boxing Day mean to you? I think that the 26th sounds like a day where Julian will be up, his daycare's closed as hell, so we'll be sort of taking... We'll be sort of... Your son's daycare is closed as hell. Yeah, around the end of the year,

daycare's closed up, and they say, hey, parents, I know you guys wanted... Julian's up, his daycare's closed as hell. I know you wanted to be productive, but guess what? You've got the little guy, and it's for every single hour of the day.

I had my kid sit on my lap and watch, like, single hour of the day. What the hell is that? That's Andrew Pyle talking about his son being on his lap, Santa style. Did you cue that up just for this episode? Just for him to talk about Julian? No, that was actually for a Pitwall episode that we had months ago.

Anyway, so do you have Julian on your lap or have you not had him for Christmas? This is his first Christmas, right? Do you think I your lap or have you not had him for Christmas? This is his first Christmas, right? Do you think I'm divorced? Have I not had him for Christmas? No. We do have, by the way. Do you have him for Christmas this year?

He wasn't born last year yet. Me and my wife both do have him. It's his first Christmas. We're going to probably take him to Santa because we think it'd be funny. And he'll kind of not understand.

Which one? The Grove or? That's a good question. I don't know. What do you think is the best Santa? The Grove or the Americana or the Which one? The Grove or? That's a good question. I don't know. What do you think is the best Santa? The Grove or the Americana or the Galleria? My apartment or? If you dress up as Santa,

I would bring him to your apartment. I think it'd be good for him to have like a. There'd be no lines. There'd be no lines to the workshop. I agree, by the way. I think that he should see all types of Santa. Oh, Santa's white. Let's be honest.

I mean, this year we're saying it. The war on Christmas is over and Santa's won. So I started making these like home videos that I would post on YouTube. It doesn't matter. Basically what we're going to be doing is hanging out with our little guy. And also probably

spanking his ass. Celebratorily. That's my son. That's my very young son. And I will not be spanking his ass. I will not be abusing my son. Thank you. What I will be doing is trying

to get him to sing because he does play the harmonica. So it is abuse. That's abuse. It's dance monkey dance. You don't understand musical theater. Riley will tell you. Go ahead Riley. You don't actually get it. It's just it's like if he's dance monkey dance. You don't understand musical theater. Riley will tell you. Go ahead, Riley. You don't actually get it. It's just it's like if he's already playing the harmonica

and he isn't even a calendar year old, do you know the breath control? Do you know the support in the diaphragm that that infant has? You don't even know shit, Jeff. Yeah. Ring, ring. That is him playing the harmonica. Anybody can play the harmonica, all right?

If you just get a harmonica in the key of the song, you can blow in it William Nillard style, and it'll sound fine. He's 11 months old, and he's a prodigy. Next question. Okay, fine. I thought you guys were going to ask, what is Boxing Day?

Did you forget that I grew up in an Irish household, so I've always kind of done Boxing Day. Don't erase Riley's Irish heritage. He never does. In fact, he makes it the only key trait about me. Both of you guys are white races that don't get discriminated against anymore. This is a blurb about Boxing Day. Though it originated

as a holiday to give gifts to poor people, Italians, Irish. What is this, ChatGPP? ChatGPP? Yeah. That's... I'm gonna try and power through that to Boxing Day, because that feels like some kind of Patreon you subscribe to to where you can enter in your fantasies and they'll chat GPT.

I'll talk back to real porn porn. Just read the thing that would originated as a holiday to give gifts to poor people, Irish, Italian, etc. Today, Boxing Day forms part of Christmas celebrations with many people choosing to take advantage of sales. I mean, how fucked up is that, right? It used to be that we would just give to the less fortunate. Miles has a box cutter. Sorry, Miles has a box cutter. He's staring at me menacingly.

I don't have a box cutter. You just showed it. You just wielded it on camera. Melted and dealt it. There must have been a glitch. It wasn't a glitch. You're coming through not only in stereo, but in the highest definition I've ever seen on a Zoom.

You're not being attacked. My internet speed must be frozen. You don't have to put your hands up. Miles is upset because Jeff said that Italians aren't discriminated against anymore. And that's why he pulled out the box cutter. You know what I'm saying? We gotta move on. Hey Jeff.

What do you say? I've been to dinner things that most people ignore. And I feel like a mother in a total machine. What the hell is this? That's all American bitch Olivia Rodrigo. All right, Olivia Rodrigo's a bitch.

Let's play vampire. This is good for you. Oh, Jeff. Jeff, what's wrong, honey? What's wrong? Sweetie, what happened? Oh, Jeff, what's wrong, honey? What's wrong? Sweetie, what happened? Oh, Jeff, what happened? Honey, what happened?

Honey, what's wrong? Tell us about Boxing Day, man. Jeff. Come on, we want to hear. We move fast, Boxing Day. Tell us about Bond of the Week. You guys took a talking point that could have been awesome and you turned it into me i could have been talking about the origins of boxing

and then um what the fuck was that it's time to move on to our first fucking no it sounded like somebody that was pile choking yes oh my god oh my god Kyle choking. Yes. Oh my God. Oh my God. We all have ADHD that's undiagnosed. Look how fast we all moved into dancing. Welcome to Naughty or Nice. welcome to naughty or nice um i am going to list off the 50 plus most talked about celebrities of 2023 well this is gonna be rapid fire no this is gonna be rapid fire we we are not allowed that's the catch we are not allowed to wax about it at all it has to be first thought best thought i'm just gonna say from this list of the 50 most

talked about celebrities of 2023, you guys just blurt out naughty or nice. Ping pong. Ping pong. Because if you really think about it, if Santa's getting to every single child on earth, he's not going in that much depth. No one has the time. Alright, here we go. He's got all year

to think about it. Really? Yeah, but he has to do it year end. He has to do it between Thanksgiving and Christmas because he has to take the whole year into account. You think he's doing December 1? He's delivering a pactage? A practage? Next question. Alright.

3, 2, 1. Again, rapid fire. I'm going to keep moving through so you guys have to just like, put it out. 3, 2, 1. Rihanna. Rihanna's go rihanna nice beyonce to do nice no wait nice jennifer lopez nice tanya west notty harry styles a dolly but in a good way in a hot way Billie Eilish oh nice she's nice Billie Eilish Justin Bieber

nice naughty Margot Robbie Margot Robbie Margot is naughty in the best way like you naughty bitch naughty

Tyla who's Kyla Tyla come on Tyla Tyga moving on Tyga

smash smash Tiger Woods pass that's not the game austin butler jenna jenna ortega nice taylor ortega who's nice sauce uh uh smash lizzie mcalpene yeah it's nice i love her music. Bad Bunny? Bad Bunny. Bad Baby. Pedro Pascal.

With the delay, this can't be good. Bad Bunny or Bad Baby? Bad Bunny and then Bad Baby. Who's Bad Baby? Pedro Pascal is hot to me. Megan Thee Stallion. Nice. Smash.

The Weeknd. The Weeknd. What the fuck was the show? The Idol. Not a show. Dua Lipa, but she's working for The Weeknd. Pass. What the fuck was the show? The Idol. Naughty. Dua Lipa, but she's working for The Weeknd. Ooh, nice. Nice. Drake.

Naughty. Ariana Grande. Naughty. Ed Sheeran. Nice. Nice. Britney Spears. Naughty.

Jamie Lynn Spears. Naughty. Naughty. Kim Kardashian West. Naughty. Pass. Spears. Naughty. Naughty. Kim Kardashian West. Naughty. Pass. Zendaya. Nice.

Tom Holland. Nice. Lady Gaga. Nice. Nicki Minaj. Nice. Gag City. Kylie Jenner.

No, Miles. No, no, no. Gag City. Kylie Minogue. It's a thing on Twitter. You got to look up Gag City. I don't think I can Google that without

no it's for the release of their new album that's it oh we didn't get through all 50 but you guys decided

to end the segment right you guys decided to because it's supposed to be rapid fire it's supposed to be celebrity such a fragile producer not fragile producer fragile show fragile producer, fragile show.

Not fragile producer, fragile show. Because this whole thing is threading the needle. It was a fragile, no, the show, I guess it's both, but it's a fragile show. Let's just move on. In about 2011, I got the idea, like, I wanted to take this a step further. Why do you sound like A Disney Channel nerd Why do you sound like In 2011

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I just decided to... That's a punishment. That's a punishment. He's fucking retaliating against us. No way. In 2011, I decided that I couldn't have been further. Guys, let's talk about Santa for a fucking

second here alright I feel like for thousands of years Santa Claus has been working himself

grinding himself to the fucking grindstone to the bone he's been working tirelessly and not taking even

let's say five minutes to himself to sort of like see what sort of pleasures lie there. My ears are ringing from the smashing sound effect, by the way. That's where it's coming from. Maybe let me dumb it down for you guys

because I feel like you're not getting the insinuation. Santa hasn't jacked off in a millennium. Is that fair to say? This Christmas, things are a little different. That's why, yeah, this Christmas, I think let's give the fat man, you know, a chance to finally get off. Let's give the fat man uh you know a chance to find it kind of finally get off let's make this christmas he grabbing his hog um riley and i were

doing i don't know how to intro this riley and i were doing this bit all last thursday and friday um mostly thursday i guess where it's sort of like a trailer it's like a movie trailer um but for basically Santa self-completing does that make sense? but there's no euphemism it's just like this Christmas Santa comes hard

so that's that's the fucking format from the people who brought you the Easter Bunny comes this Christmas Santa comes in his hand. It's like you're not getting us at the end there. You already said something really crass. Santa jerks off his cock. Exactly right.

Miles, why don't you hit us with one? Get ready because December's Eve, Santa's going to blast off his orgasm. A lot. With his cock. Exactly right. Santa's going to spooge from his penis. This Christmas, Santa's spreading wide to get pegged.

Santa's going to jerk off in the shower. This Christmas, Santa's breaking his chastity vow to finish. You think Santa has a chastity vow to Mrs. Claus? To get shit done. He's done no nut this millennium. No nut millennium?

Yes! That's crazy. When Santa comes after that, it's going to be huge. This Christmas, Santa nuts in a sock. Oh, man. The idea of Santa nutting. In a stocking. In a stocking is what I was going to say. I saw mommy nutting Santa Claus.

I saw mommy milking Santa Claus. Come on. Come on. There's blue humor, and then there's this crassness that I won't stand for. Let's get a reset because of the music. Oh, it's because of the music. No, it's because you said milk here. We're getting a little reset here.

All right, back to it, back to it. I know just what we're doing this time. I'm in my pocket, best filly. This Christmas, Santa's lap isn't just for wishing. It's for coming. Santa's lap is for coming? Mrs. Claus is getting in on it now, yeah. This Christmas, Mrs. Claus fucks Santa's penis.

This Christmas, Santa's going to unbox his orgasming penis. I'm fucking sorry. Orgasming. And then it's like anybody who pushes back. Immediate res. You think it's been millennia since Santa jacked off. You can't allow him this one moment of respite. Don't you think Santa deserves this?

Yeah. This Christmas, Santa cries in the shower. While he comes. This Christmas, Santa finishes with a belt around his neck. Santa's into joke play. This Christmas, Santa has to peel wax off his arm from a kink session. This Christmas, Santa flogs with a flogger.

Right. This Christmas, Santa gets whipped on his ass. Santa's got a, this Christmas, Santa's got a flashlight. That's his hand. So he doesn't have a flashlight.

Santa's got a,light. That's his hand. So he doesn't have a fleshlight. Santa's got a... Santa's workshop is cooking up fleshlights. That are hands. His workshop is cooking up hands. Also, just imagining, like, seeing that in writing, like, if you're in the movie theater, you're trying to figure out, it's like, oh, what's playing right now?

And there's a poster that says, this Christmas, Santa's got a flashlight. Bottom of the poster started off ellipses. That's his hand. Exactly. Exactly correct. This Christmas, all the yoga pays off for Santa because he can suck himself off.

Now, let's talk about Santa sucking his own dick for a second. Yeah, auto-affiliation. Finally, finally, God. A lot of people say that it's more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. Is that true? Well, how would, yeah, how do they know? A lot of people say that.

I read a Reddit thread one time that someone was like, I can suck my own dick, but it's more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. No way. And I was like, that actually makes sense. Yeah, for sure.

Hmm. Sorry. Well, let's move on. Sorry, Jeff. This is such a chaotic fucking episode. Yeah. I pay attention to things that most people don't know. Our kids best feeling. and change the things that most people don't know.

Our kids has feelings. Listen, I feel like the canon of... Olivia Rodrigo's a bitch. Let's play the next track. This is all American bitch Olivia Rodrigo with Good For You. Listen, I think that the American canon of Christmas music

needs a little bit of an update. The rice song, are you gonna be like, oh, holy rice. The pie is simmering with rice. It is jasmine, basmati, and brown. Basmati roasting on an open machine. Basmati roasting on an open machine Basmati roasting on an open machine Continue with that Basmati roasting on an open machine

Now what were you going to say? How are you going to update the Christmas music canon? What thing are you going to do? It's not with rice It's with cum? What is it? No, I just thought that each of us could. I'll just show you.

I'm this perfect person. Yes, perfect person merch. Just say it out loud. You're distracting both of us. Perfect person merch. Perfectperson.shop. All right. Is this going to be a video app?

Yes, they're all video apps. I didn't know that. They're all video apps. I didn't know that. They're all video apps. Look at this discontinued sweatshirt. I still have a box of like seven of those. Those are cool. Hey, Miles, I'll trade you two, your parents' divorce hoodies

for two perfect person hoodies from me and Riley. Ooh, I'd like that. I'd love a perfect person hoodie. I'd love to give that to you person hoodie this Christmas Santa comes all over his bed a lot um anything but ending with a lot the idea of coming all over your bed

is really foul a lot and it's like you could have gotten a napkin beforehand before you knew this was gonna explode this Christmas Santa comes on the snow and then forgets it's there. Here we go. Okay, this is going to be us improvising updates to Santa Baby

because I feel like Michael Bublé did it in 2011, but I feel like culture has changed. Santa Buddy. Did you see the update of the lyrics on Google for Baby It's Cold Outside with the, it's your body and your joy. have you seen did you see the uh that they updated the lyrics on google for um baby is cold outside with the it's your body and your choice it's unbelievable it's unbelievable that didn't need to happen for people to support reproductive rights and health what's amazing though is that it's like they so over corrected it to the point where i saw someone tweet about

this i'm forgetting who it is but they were like it now reads as if the guy like doesn't even want the girl to stay over. Like he talks about how he called her a car. Her car's almost here. This is the driver's name. Like it really is sounding more like get the fuck out of my house. Jesus. All right. I'm just going to drop you guys into the fucking deep end here. Here we go. Miles, let's start us off with this Santa Baby updated version. You ready? Yeah, here we go. I'll count you in. Not yet. Not yet.

Here we go. Santa Baby. Santa Baby, I wish you'd let Santa come all over me. And put my penis all on the tree. Santa Baby, so hurry up my skirt tonight. You're talking to Santa and you're telling him that you wish that Santa, as if he was a third party, would let him come all over you.

So I wrote, directed, produced a documentary. It doesn't fucking matter. That was 15 years ago. Why do you want to put your penis all over the tree? All over the tree? Because the tree is the sexiest tree to have at Christmas. It's got the lights. It's got the sounds.

It doesn't have sounds. The tree does not have, that's the one thing it doesn't have It has every other sense It has visual It has You can touch it It has It has a smell

And you can taste it It does not have a sound My routine is All All right Riley You ready for verse two? Let's go Riley Here we go

Santa baby There you go Now Santa baby I'm sorry for what I said about the tree. I'll keep my penis away. Santa Baby, can I still get a present today? You really PG'd it up.

You saved it so that it'd be on radio. Put my penis away. Yeah I put my penis away. Yeah. I put my penis away. Let's continue forward. It does not have to relate to Miles' verse. Okay. Let's just keep building this song.

Back to Miles. So totally, clean slate. Actually, you know what? Let me get a verse in. Can I get a verse? Yeah, I was going to say. Let Daddy get a verse. Daddy get a verse in. Can I get a verse? Yeah, I was going to say. You guys sing. Let daddy get a verse. Daddy get a verse?

Think of how spread wide I'll be. Underneath the sound of the Christmas tree. I really do think my cheeks will be spread. See if Mrs. Claus will peg my ass what do you think? a lot of peg and your choice you brought up pegging a couple times

when the topic of being spread wide comes open there's the only logical next step I hate to get too personal on this but have you been pegged? we have to take another break. Straight into it. Miles, another verse. Hey.

Sorry. Let me lead you in. That's an assault. Santa baby, tell me how much you can rim my cheeks. I'd love to have a little bit of peeks into Santa's little

pussy tonight. Let's keep it going. Here's Santa honey, Riley. Santa honey, can I also have a present in cash? I don't mean on a loan, Santa baby. I want $10,000.

Santa cutie, I took a second mortgage out. Pay it. It's a duplex. You can rent the other unit. So my monthly payments go away, go away, go away. Straight back into miles. Here we go. Santa, babe, what do you want?

Do you want me to grease myself up for you? I'm greasy Santa, come over here so you can throw me around and choke me out until Christmas comes. Santa baby, I'm greased up like a hog on a log. Time to get in the bath, Santa baby. Squeak me, rub me with water now. Squeak me with

water right now. Yeah. That is a platinum record. That was fucked up. Santa's beating me up and choking me out and covering me in water. Santa's greasing me up, spreading me wide, paying me cash. Mrs. Claus is getting in on the action by filling my ass. Yeah.

This is such a blue episode. This is the bluest episode we've ever had. You started this. I do not. You started it by inviting in No, Jeffrey. You invited it by doing the

Christmas Santa comes on a cock. On his own dick. You had us saying come and all disgusting things before. Riley and I really don't stand for that. I feel like Miles is the one that dirtied this whole episode up. I feel like he's the one

who kind of made it all naughty versus nice. No way I didn't. Well, you started the episode. You had the perfect person merch, Greed, one of the seven deadly sins. That was the first dirty. After that, it started. First dirty? Of many, yes. And then the last one. About professional yo-yoing

Called The Game Has Changed Called The Game Has Changed Called The Game Has Changed I'm moving these Just in case he does The mean thing I'm actually In 2011

I married a yo-yo Legally Cause Jess really Get a yo-yo But he doesn't bring it up That much Why won't you die? legally. Because Jeff's really good at yo-yo, but he doesn't bring it up that much. Why won't you die?

Jeff. That was really fucked up. That was really mean. That was really fucked up. Santa Daddy. What was that? Wait, what did you say?

Do what you were going to do. Santa bitch, throw me in a ditch after noon o'clock and give me a taste of that cock. Santa, can I have a little peek into you? Come and rim my Christmas cheeks you come and rim my Christmas cheeks as I'm underneath another

Christmas tree I've been here all night locked away in chastity for Mrs. Claus Santa baby please unlock my chastity belt. It hurts.

I'm not kidding right now. Santa baby, I have a little rash on my thigh. I have a little chafing near here. My groin is chafed right now. Yeah. Yeah. At least we're all in therapy. I am not, but yeah.

For sure. No, for sure. But it's honestly because it's hard to find a therapist. Not really. No. What, am I just going to Google therapist? Yeah. Is that how you found your therapist?

Yeah, you try someone out for one session. Ugh, I hate it though. I've had therapists in the past and it's just like, you see someone and it's like, you don't get my whole vibe. And what is your vibe? Because you're just saying about rimming someone's cheeks. I want to get a little peek inside after I rub my dick all over a tree. Okay.

Well, my vibe is basically cool guy, bad boy, sort of, um, Renee rap style. You're not like Renee rap. No. Just like her. No. Just like her. You're like, um, Donald Faison in, uh in Big Fat Liar.

What? When I work at Universal Studios or whatever. You have like loser written across your forehead. Is it bellhop? Isn't he like a limo driver in that? He's a limo driver. Yeah. No way.

No way. We can't do another. Plugs. What do you guys have going on? What do you want to point the people to? The end of the episode? I said it was going to be short and sweet. I don't know.

I don't have anything else prepared. It was short and tea. You have a hard out. That's why we're ending early. You pushed it back by 15 minutes, and now we're ending early. I don't have a hard out. Just as we were all having so much fun together.

You have something else you want to talk about? It's Christmas. Let's get everybody just fucking get back to their families. Just give their gifts. They went to like a local film festival that I did. And they actually got Best Student Documentary. Best Student Documentary, guys. Come on.

Shout out. I use that effect too. They'll be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Let's end by this. What do you guys want for Christmas? I'll be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Let's end by this. What do you guys want for Christmas? I'll start. World peace. Miles?

I don't want that. But I would like... What? Yeah, I just figure let's keep letting it go wild. But I think I'd like an iPad mini. So I can read. Because I'd like to read manga. No, because a Kindle,'d like to read manga on a no because a Kindle you can't read manga

on as two major wars going on and you want to read manga on an iPad I'd like to read on an iPad mini I said yeah no I said mini well the mini is don't correct me when I said exactly what you just said I have a I have a Kindle fucked up I have a Kindle paperwhite and

it just is like I don't quite know how to read manga on it. So then if I get the iPad mini, I think that it's a little easier to read manga on there. Yeah, you don't want like supplies to go to Ukraine. What is that? So you don't read the news. Can I ask, do you read the news or do you read just mostly the Apple?

He reads mostly manga. I read mostly manga. So if you ask me about the news. But you know that the iPad Mini exists. Yes, because I saw a catered ad. On a manga website. On a manga.com. But no,

World Peace would be fine to do, I guess. Let's do that too. As a second, if Santa's offering a second offering, iPad Mini. A second helping.'s offering a second offering, iPad mini. A second helping. I love a second helping, by the way. Riley? World peace or are you just going to sulk?

Ceasefire maybe? Or do you just want a dog? You want a dog, not a ceasefire. I want a ceasefire and a dog. That'd be cool. We'd like both of those things. I have a dog, so I'll just have the second one. Not a ceasefire. I want a ceasefire and a dog. That'd be cool. We'd like both of those things. I have a dog, so I'll just have the second one. Yep.

And the iPad. Or you could have a second helping of a dog. I'm getting a dog next year, but I want it now. Next year? I want it now. Yeah, getting a dog in the fall.

Go outside, you two. Check your front doors. No way. I'm not at home. Really? Then forget it. You got us a ceasefire and you got me a dog and you got Miles an iPad mini.

Too much, man. Way too much. Plugs, what do you guys have going on? What do you want to point the people to? My name is Miles Monsignore. I have a podcast called Perfect Person, and I'd love for you to listen to it. It's a call-and-advice show, and we have a lot of fun.

You can start with the Jeff and Riley episode, and it's a really great time. And what should you end with? A.K.A. what's the worst episode? Ooh, you should end with maybe the first one. So go backwards from that episode. Riley? At RileyAnspa on Instagram.

I don't really use Twitter anymore but if you well nobody does everybody nobody does yeah so I haven't updated mine so I still have the

Twitter icon on my phone it doesn't matter review review podcast you can listen to Jeff and Miles

episodes when is this episode coming out this next Friday okay it'll be pointless then we'll be releasing our best of the year episodes I was gonna say like I was gonna plug because we have if you want to vote for the best of review review episodes but instead just

listen to them just listen to them and I'd also like to plug world peace I'd like to plug you tripped you up yeah at rally and spa on various platforms and by various I mean just the one miles you already did yours at miles bond though if you want to follow me Yeah, at Riley and Spa on various platforms. And by various, I mean just the one.

Miles? You already did yours. At Miles Bond, though, if you want to follow me. Let's ride out on this. One last parody, the three of us. Start with Miles. Santa baby, put the reindeer down and grab me. Okay. Put them down like children?

Put me down in the sleigh. Put meat hooks into my shoulder blades so I can ride. Riley? Santa baby, all the reindeers contracted mange today. You need to put them away six feet under and euthanize them right at today. You need to put them away six feet under and euthanize them right at today. Everybody have a Merry Christmas, a happy

holiday, and we'll see you guys in a week, not in the new year. Namaste. That's Daz, folks. That was a Hiddem Original.