The Headgum Podcast - 185: Go Drink Kvass (w/ Alise Morales & Milly Tamarez!)

Episode Date: December 29, 2023

Alise Morales and Milly Tamarez (Go Touch Grass) join Marika and Geoff to discuss clams casino, Oxford's word of the year, and kvass!Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. I do know who you're talking about now, though. I really want to have her on the show. She follows me on Instagram and Twitter. Nice. So I think we can make it happen. I don't think she listens to the show, though.

I mean, she shouldn't. It's almost better that she doesn't. Agreed. I think if she listened, she wouldn't come on. Yeah, and she wouldn't respect you. Probably. She comes if she listened, she wouldn't come on. Yeah, and she wouldn't respect you. Probably. She comes on the show, oh yeah, I followed you on a dare. I was out with Marika

and Micah. That'd be so sad. But we talked about getting a guest for this episode, or one of them. And I, today, realized I should have invited her on. Yeah, we should get some more podcast guests on and really just who should we i do want to have haze and sean on from hollywood handbook that would be fun

you should go on hollywood handbook Right? Are you kidding me? New HeadGum Podcast alert. We're going straight into it. I mean, what other way to introduce you guys, hosts of Go Touch Grass, the newest HeadGum Podcast, than with a lunch and learn? Wow. Oh my learn. Wow. Oh, my God. Wow.

So, you know, I just wanted to welcome you guys to the network. Obviously, we're a pretty tight-knit group. All the hosts know each other. All the hosts are really good friends. And so to sort of foster that camaraderie, I thought that maybe we could all break bread together right we could all have lunch we could all learn

we could do a lunch and learn learn about each other over lunch so I got y'all clams casino yes just moments ago a plate of clams was put before us a foil plate of clams was put before us. A foil tray of clams. I mean, who says no to that?

I'm not. I actually might because I do not eat seafood. Millie doesn't eat seafood, but that's okay. This is off to a horrible start. I already know Elise. I don't know Millie. I've gotten something that you're... Are you allergic to it? No, I just, it's not my thing.

It's not my twist. As long as nobody's gonna die in the New York studio. No one's gonna, yeah, imagine if I'm like deathly allergic and I can't even be in the same room. Yeah. No, it's not that. It's not that. That's good.

Well, why don't we all take a moment. Marika, do you wanna grab some sporks or? I have a lot of questions before I consider eating these clams, I think. Okay. Okay. I'm going to grab my lunch. Really? Yeah.

I'm going to grab my lunch. I'm also going to get you guys up on this TV screen so that I'm not staring down and people are seeing my eyes averted down like I'm ashamed of something because I have nothing to be ashamed of I just gave you guys clam casino no there's nothing to be ashamed of you just served us a tin foil tray

full of clams really potent smelling clams I mean they smell good They smell good Emma are the clams in The shot Okay Yeah can the audience get eyes on these clams

Where did you order The clams from Jeff Or you can't answer Because you're not by a microphone. Of course. So in the last 30 minutes, I'll have drank a butter beer from the Harry Potter store. And then I'm going to eat kind of random clams. Yeah. And then we'll see what happens to me.

Do you have something later today? Literally, yes. Yeah, we do. Well, I was going to suggest we eat Indian food after this, but I don't know if you're going to tell me. We're piling a lot. We're piling a lot on top of each other. I mean, it's nice of you to even consider eating them, to be honest.

You know, Marika, I don't know how you roll with things, but we need a little bit more of a yes and from you. Yeah, for sure, for sure. The fun happens when of a yes and from you. Yeah, for sure, for sure. The fun happens when you say yes and. I said no. You said no, but I don't like clams. I'm not gonna do it because I don't in general.

Whatever, but if it was, let's say a chicken wing. I'm saying yes, clams. Nice. And, you know know I mean I feel like this is pretty relevant because we just had a topic on our I mean it's on our

Patreon but you know a woman who ate 48 oysters on a date and the date left the date left by like oyster 24 well no cause she finished the oysters and then she ate more and that's when well no because she finished the oysters and then she ate more and that's when he left because she finished the oysters and then she got the tater tots

no she got the um crab cakes crab cakes but i think she left before i think the editing was yeah i think he left before the like she finished all of it unrelated sorry you guys have the luxury of having a producer in the new york studio Like she finished all of it. Unrelated. Sorry. You guys have the luxury of having a producer in the New York studio. Nobody ever gives me a producer in the LA studio. I'm always just here alone. That's so untrue.

Welcome to the HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to the HeadGum Network. Right? We're just going to have to deal with the fact that I'm not going to be looking up. I'm going to have to look down at my screen. This show, do you guys know anything about it? Have you ever heard it? I've listened to an episode of the show as a result of knowing we were coming on the show.

I think Millie's coming in cold. I think I'm coming in cold. Now I'm two for two on not eating seafood and also never ever hearing the podcast. Yeah Millie's like where are we? What year is this? We have a podcast? Yeah. Elise just like trails me around sit down Millie. I say come be here.

Okay. Be here at this time and bring your takes. Okay. So there's Millie Bobby Brown and then there's Millie sitting down. Wow. Kind of good right? Not great but kind of good. And that's kind of what the sitting down. Wow. Kind of good, right? Not great, but kind of good. And that's kind of what the podcast is, is kind of Jeff saying stuff like that.

Okay, okay, okay. That's what HeadGum podcast is. 100% correct. It honestly is. What this show is, is, well, Elise, would you say that I'm the exact same person off air that I am on this show? I would say yes. Well, don't say that. Don't say that. I was hoping you'd be like,

no, you're actually a saint off this show. And then on the air, you're kind of an asshole. No, I was going to say yes. I was going to say before we recorded. Oh, for sure. Before we recorded, I was telling everyone that you came at me

for having an Apple Watch, told me I should get rid of my Apple Watch, told me you were going to give me a Rolex watch. And then here I am Rolex-less to this day. Of course, because I don't have a Rolex to give. If I had one, I'd have to keep it. But you were

trying to persuade me to toss my gorgeous Apple Watch, which counts my steps, for a watch that didn't even exist. It wasn't even in your possession. So I would say that you bring the same chaos on and off. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Listen, I'm learning. I'm not lunching, but I'm learning. What is this? Right? This is so fucked up. What is happening? The TV turned on. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

What are you watching? It's like a British thing. This is so fucked. We need to have a producer in the room with me. You can't host and produce at the same time, especially when they keep changing the studio up on me. Usually there's a desktop computer running an audition session.

It's just miraculously gone today, and then I have to come in with 20 minutes advance, and I have to figure out how else to do it. It's, anyway. I'm sorry that happened to you. It's all right,

but then I look like a fucking amateur in front of Millie. I'm not gonna have it. I'm not gonna have Millie thinking that it's my fault. He's not an amateur. He's Millie. I'm not going to have it. I'm not going to have Millie thinking that it's my fault. He's not an amateur. He's not.

Okay. Well, I don't know. Vert is still out. Elise, is everything all right? You've hardly touched your Clans Casino. He's a Clamator? You know what?

I have not touched my Clans Casino. You said you were supposed to answer Marika's question. Yeah. Where did these come from? I wanted to know where they came from. What restaurant?

Those are going to be in from, and I do have to say that I ordered these last night as I was outlining the episode. Those came to us from, I think, a restaurant called Seville. Oh, okay. That's kind of a fancy restaurant. I misspoke. He ordered it last night. It was Doc's Oyster Bar. Okay. Oh, okay. That's like kind of a fancy restaurant. I misspoke. It was Doc's Oyster Bar. Okay.

It was Dr. Oyster Bar. Okay. No one knows where these clams came from. And you said you ordered them last night? Yeah. Was that a pre-order situation? Pre-order, yeah. I think it has to be a pre-order. Exactly right.

So I had to have the four seconds. That's why you texted me last night, what's the suite number for the I thought you were on the one at 3pm I thought that Amir was going to be on in studio Here with me You could have read the description Well you know it's hard because we're banking episodes

Have you guys been banking episodes? Do you want to talk about the show for a bit? Go touch grass Yeah actually we don't bank episodes Because it's a weekly podcast So we talk about different We talk about trending topics Viral memes

The discourse online If people on Twitter are yelling at each other We'll tell you why they're yelling at each other What was the first post? What was the post that kicked off Everybody yelling at each other why are two influencers you've never heard of fighting with each other these are the things we'll break down on the podcast and because it's so topical we cannot bank yeah though we have done

a bunch of test episodes that are on our patreon so people can go back and hear like the past couple of weeks worth of discourse and it is good to like you can miss and like and come back yeah and come back it's not like you'll you know if you don't know what who bean dad is you won't yeah that been for that information remains valuable yeah years into the future did you say you know if you don't know who beans's, who's Bean that is? Bean Dad. No, Bean Dad. Bean Dad. Are you aware of Bean Dad? Who's Bean Dad?

Okay, so he, Bean Dad is this dad who had beans. Well, his daughter. His daughter wanted beans. Yes. Baseline, this dad's daughter wanted beans. Yes. And the dad had beans? And there was a can wanted beans. Yes. And the dad had beans? And there was a can of beans.

Okay. And the dad tweeted kind of this long thread being like, I want to teach my daughter to be self-sufficient, so I will not open the beans for her. So I want her to try to figure out how to open this can of beans herself. And it started a long. Without him telling her about the can opener. I don't think. Yeah, I don't think. This was a little girl. Yeah, this can of beans herself. And it started a long... Without him telling her about the can opener. I don't think... Yeah, I don't think...

This was a little girl. Yeah, this was a little girl. She was like 12 years old. I think there was a can opener. But he didn't tell her how to use it. No, he was like, figure it out. And he said she couldn't use the internet. What?

Or something like that. So that's not self-sufficiency. Well, or something like that, yeah. And then it-sufficiency. Well, or something like that. Yeah. So, and then it started a whole discourse of like, is this guy an asshole? What does it mean to teach a guy self-sufficiency? Yeah. Is he teaching his daughter a valuable lesson by withholding beans from her until she can get them herself?

Yeah. Then, of course, as everything does, there were some racist tweets. Yeah. Like, you dig into, then everyone everyone's like who is this guy and they go down and he has a difficult history so these are the things that we talk about so you should have just opened that can of beans yeah and these are the things we talk about on the pod wow exactly right that's the kind of stuff you're gonna get on the head gun podcast millie let's dive into your past what's the best thing that's ever happened to you wow jesus christ

we can we can circle back to this if you want to move on to our first segment let's move on to the first segment because now i'm thinking and now my therapist is watching and she's like wow we really have to work it really goes from technical difficulties to personal truths and i'll say i'll keep it easy i'll keep it light i love my dog i'm the best thing that happened to me was that i got a dog my dog is very sweet and cuddly. Oh. And he's the best and worst thing that I've ever seen.

Millie does have a very cute dog. My dog is very cute. His name is Tino. So Tino's the best thing of late that happened to me. A financial drain and emotional gain

is the dog. Is that fair to say? I would say emotional drain as well. But also, yeah, it's emotional gain and drain.

Equally. Equally. Yeah. Are you guys hearing the sound effects? No Not anymore Okay You're just gonna have to roll with it And I do want someone to eat The clam casino I'm like

I'm like do I want to be filmed eating a clam that's kind of where my head is at is that on is do i want to be on clamora wow i'm i'm in the space i think you could like dig into it on the tray now you're hearing him bond of the Week. Daniel Craig is out as Bond. He has been out as Bond. He had his time as Bond. So we've been doing this long-running segment that everybody hates on this show called Bond of the Week,

where every week until the next James is cast, we're lobbing up our casting decision for the next 007. This week, my pick is Benny Blanco. Wow. That really ties into what we just discussed on our podcast. We discussed Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco. Topical.

Selena Gomez needs to log off. Yeah. Yeah, we declared that Selena Gomez needs to log off. He's kind of behaving like Benny Bondo because he's got the Bond girl. He's got someone far out of his league, let's say. Is that what a Bond girl is? Is someone out of your league?

I'm asking. I guess it's a bit like, do you feel like the Bond girls are out of James Bond's league of course you think Pierce Brosnan has a chance with fucking Halle Berry actually yes he's really has a major chance at my house yeah for sure I mean I can't think of a Bond I wouldn't fuck even though was Jason Stratman no he wasn't that's I don't I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of bonds but I'm actually thinking and I think I would I would bang them all

yeah for sure no one knows what you're talking about Jeff wow it's clear that there's not a woman's perspective on this yeah you know what what else makes a bond girl

a makeup line on this. Yeah, you know what? What else makes a Bond girl? What else? A makeup line? Do all Bond girls have makeup lines? Who's a Bond girl who has a makeup line? Well, you're saying Selena Gomez is a Bond girl and she has a makeup line. Oh, you know what makes a Bond girl? Rare.

Wow. Yeah. Rare Beauty is the name of Selena Gomez's She's so rare She's rare and that's why I'm a little upset that she's with Benny Blanco

Well I feel like I hear your segment but I'm like a Bond girl just like James Bond has an air of mystery to her. You don't know what her intentions are. You don't know where she came from. Why is this sexy, hot-ass woman who's exotic in the middle of the glacier in fucking Russia?

Like, whatever. And I will say that Selena Gomez, there's not much mysterious about her. There's not much mystery. She really puts it all out there. She really puts it all out there. She really puts it all out there. I mean, all of her responding comments. There's a Zoom delay. I'm so sorry.

No, yeah. Well, just to back off, I don't think she's a Bond girl. I think she's a respond girl. Wow. That's really good. That's really good. I'm already feeling like y'all are going to be regular guests on this show

because that was such a this show joke. I loved that. Earnestly, that was a really funny joke. Oh, sorry. Sorry, I really liked that. Do you guys have bonds of the week? Who would you lob up this week as your casting decision for James Bond? I have a Bond.

Okay. I'm saying, you know, if we're talking about Bond and who would be fun and interesting to do a movie, I'm saying Michelle Yeoh. I feel like I'd love to see her on some spy shit. And I think it'd be adding some different thing because, again, it's unassuming. I think there's a lot of things right now in media talking about like women be like people using their like blindness of like women to like let women slip through shit you know i'm thinking like may december it's like basically all about like white women being predators.

So it'd be fun to see like, yeah, no one is really paying attention to like an older Asian woman. And she's like, I'm actually James Bond. She's actually. And you know, she can do those stunts. She can do all the stunts. So I love that. I would. That would be a great one.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guys, if you had an extra hour in your day, how would you spend it? Because I would absolutely fix all of my problems with the extra hour. That's the issue is that there aren't 25 hours in the day, so I can't become a better version of me. Does that make sense? But maybe you would want to go for a run or go for a nap or go for reading a book because a lot of us spend our times wishing that we had more time in our day. And the question is time for what? Because if time was unlimited, how you would use it would infer your mental health and your happiness and your joy.

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I would say one of the performances of the year, Charles Melton. Woo. That would be hard. That would be hard. He would be a very, if he's very sexy, very sexy,

very sexy. And, um, you know that I feel like that would be a huge cap for him. Cause it's like, he did Riverdale. He's done the teen thing. Yeah.

He's done this like prestige movie. And then it's like, now you go be James Bond. I feel like he's hit all the pillars. Action star, legit actor, teen heartthrob. I mean, he was bringing Jingle Jangle on that show. And it was getting real. I mean, heartthrob. I'm like, that show was so chaotic.

It was getting real. I mean, heartthrob. I'm like, that show was so chaotic. Riverdale. Riverdale, I only did like one season, but it was chaotic. No, it got even crazier. They were time traveling, right? There's a part where like Archie joins ISIS or something like that. There was definitely the cult run by what's his face? Hiram or no?

No, the weird cult in the woods or whatever. It's like classic. Chad Michael Murray. Oh, God. Chad Michael Listen. Bond Michael Murray. I've almost lobbed him up before. Wow. Almost lobbed

him up? He's almost suggested him. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, so I'll say Charles Melton. Those are both really good. Ultimately I think my Bond of the Week is going to be this tray of clams because it could be like clams casino royale.

Wow. That's really good. And they get better with age, just like James. I don't know. I don't know if age, just like James. I don't know. I don't know if clams get better with age. I don't know about that, but they are mysterious because you didn't really come down one way or another about where they came from.

You said two different restaurants. We don't really know anything about these clams. We don't know when they arrived, when they were made. We do have to move on. We do actually have to move on a little bit. Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't like this, and I won't be watching it. We all actually have to move on a little bit. Oh, Jesus. Okay. I don't like this. Disturbing energy.

We all know where Itsy Bitsy Spider went. Went up the water spout. Well, imagine he wasn't Itsy Bitsy and he went on your big toe, which got incredibly slow. And the doctor went, holy ****. And that's not what you expect to hear from a doctor. Colin Blake and his wife were celebrating their 35th anniversary on a cruise when he believes a spider bit him while they were on shore in Marseille, France. The ship's doctor diagnosed it as a Peruvian wolf spider bite.

On a cruise. When the doctor cut open the toe, a milky pus with black dots came out. That's the eggs. But don't worry, I've got them all out. Said the ship's doctor. When Colin got back home to England, he did IV antibiotics at the hospital for six weeks. An MRI scan found a spiky object in his toe that a podiatrist removed. I'm like asking what are the spikes and they said but they would eventually become the legs and I did ask if I could keep it. The answer was no. The infection has gradually improved. This is kind of tender. Colin says you can see the bite marks now that the swelling is down but spider experts aren't fighting if

someone said to you look i got bitten by a spider and it laid eggs in my big toe no spider on this earth can lay eggs in a person's toe i trust nancy hinkle um you guys host a very online show. It hasn't come out yet, so I've actually never been able to listen to an episode, but I listened to the trailer multiple times. I assume this is the kind of stuff you guys are talking about, online debates and such.

So, yep. Yeah. Do you guys think that... What's the debate? Do we think that... Eggs or not? Eggs or not? Eggs or not eggs or not eggs or not eggs or not i mean i will say that the

professor seemed pretty adamant that a spider can't lay eggs sure she i'm sorry if we're judging a book by its cover nancy hinkle looks like she knows a lot about spiders. Yeah, and she sounded frustrated by having to be asked about this in a way that I believe. I am the number one arachnologist. Yeah, exactly. I've got 10 things on my plate and everybody's asking me about this toe. Yeah, I will say that man looks very sweet. Poor guy on a wedding. So sad.

I mean, what a good sport about it, right? He thought it was the funniest thing ever. I bet you, you go to his house, his fucking nieces and nephews go to his house, that's the first picture he pulls out. Look at my big toe. He looks like that kind of guy. He's telling everyone about that toe.

He was very pleased. But he doesn't know where a spider can lay eggs or not. I do think he was bitten by a spider, but he said that he found spiky things in the toe that were supposed to be the legs. Are spiders formed leg first? That's what I was, that's what I'm starting to call horseshit

because I'm like, you're saying that the spider's gonna grow from the big toe. Is the body of the spider gonna become the big toe? I feel like that was the insinuation. And we do have to move on. I don't think that was the insinuation. That's what I knew

Marika was gonna say. And I knew Marika was gonna come at me after that, so I had to say we have to move on before she had a chance. Here we go.

I wanna hear what Marika has to say. Let's hear it. Well, I was just like, it was, I feel like that just means that if the legs are growing out of his toe,

they're like growing out of the egg. Like the egg's still intact, right? Sure. That's what I took it to mean. And if the doctor took out all the eggs. Yeah. Well, the thing about the puss being milky, it's like, was that spider cum?

Wow. That's what I was going to ask, but I didn't want to be too crass. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe the spider just let loose in his toe Maybe the spider Who has it right

How did that happen to him The spider fucked his toe The spider fucked his toe Yeah I want to paint a picture For the audience right now That we are sitting in a room Filled with the smell of clams I mean it does smell good Watching a video right now that we are sitting in a room filled with the smell of clams. Shellfish, in a way.

It does smell good. Watching a video of a man with a giant toe spider bite talking about milky pus and eggs. What makes a clam casino? Because I see cheese and breadcrumbs and spinach. And some lemon.

We have like the fancy lemon situation where they put the net over it. The fixings are all there. I don't know if you guys are sick to your stomach or what's the issue because I feel like Minkus hardly touched her clams casino. Yeah, I mean now I'm a little sick to my stomach. Yeah, I would say the combination of us,

me and Millie going and drinking a butterbeer at the Harry Potter store, watching a video of an infected toe, and then also being in the room with these clams is my appetite is not at its peak. And I kind of walked in just like chowing down

on some sour candies. Yeah, you were. And in a shot glass, too. Yeah. That's a lie. Sour candy in a shot glass, too. Well, you know, they gotta be portable. That's a lie. Okay. Sour candy in a shot glass? Shot glass full of candy?

Yeah. All right, here we go. A recent advice column featured in Slate had the following letters get sent in for advice. Dear Karen Fee... I love Slate's advice. Okay. What's that? I said I love Slate's advice.

I read all of Slate's advice columns, too, so I bet I've Slate's advice columns too, so I bet I've read it. Exactly right. I bet I have an opinion. Dear Karen Feeding, My husband has been getting angry whenever our son coughs at night. He's in second grade, so he gets all the bugs you would expect at school. Whenever our son has extended bouts of coughing at night, we can hear loud and clear my husband chanting

shut up or stop fucking coughing last night our son started crying because of it which made his coughing worse and we heard an actual scream fist slamming into walls and when i tried to settle my husband he said between his coughing and your sn, I haven't gotten any sleep since the day we met. In the morning, my husband just went, I was losing my mind from sleep deprivation. I didn't scream at our son. He's blown off any attempt to point out that he scared our child and that this isn't the first time it's happened. I know sleep deprivation sucks, but this has got me really freaked out. We don't live near family

and a hotel room until the cold clears up is out of the budget. Any advice? And then, I mean, my question is, agree or disagree, children should be spanked for coughs. One for one.

Well, children shouldn't get sick. And that's on them um i do think it's very funny to be like i was delirious i was i was like i i couldn't even i was hallucinating basically but also i didn't scream it's like you can't you just said you don't know what was going on so i'm telling you that you screamed yeah yeah that i love him being like i was out of my fucking mind i didn't scream well i'm not no sleep with headphones babe or earplugs yeah earplugs are available yeah like white noise machine i'm a little concerned about the cough it seems like it's been going on for a long time. Yeah, take the kid to a fucking, like, maybe the kid needs to be on an antibiotic. There's a million things to be done.

Wife snoring, she probably has sleep apnea. Sleep apnea, yeah. And that needs to get checked out. Yeah, there's a lot of shit that needs to happen. But also, if the wife, the wife has been snoring, you know, I imagine she came into the relationship snoring. So he should have already figured out how to deal with that whether it be

an ear plug situation but number two if he really wants this kid to stop coughing let's get him to the doctor let's do an appointment let's get rid of that post nasal drip yeah honestly though I said let's get rid of that post nasal drip absolutely

this is the worst kind of fucking person to me because it's the person that complains but does not come with a solution besides yelling to shut the fuck up slamming the walls and it's like this frustration

but it's like you could actually do something you actually have all the agency power and control to help alleviate the situation. And with your energy, what are you doing? Slamming your fist against the walls and saying, shut the fuck up. And then saying, no, I didn't do that. When it's like, well, actually, you did. And I feel like, is that the kids in second grade, right?

Second grade. Okay, so you could just ask the kid, did I scream shut the fuck up at you last night? actually you did and i feel like they said the kids in second grade right second grade okay so you could just ask the kid did i scream shut the fuck up at you last night and you're gonna be like yes daddy yes you did um let's move on sorry yeah i'm like this is yeah no i'm like this wife needs to leave him yeah i'm like divorce immediate. I mean, I just feel like it's one cough away from being on Snapped, honestly. Yeah. Yeah, I think get the kids, pack your bags, find an apartment. No, leave the kid. Leave the kid who's coughing.

He's just going to bring you down. A recent LA Times headline reads, an auto engineer became a full-time potter in LA. Thank her high school art teacher. So would you each like to take a minute or? To thank the high school art teacher? To thank the high school art teacher. I mean.

A potter like making pottery. Correct. And her high school art teacher is involved. Why and how? I didn't read the article. I just the headline said to thank the art teacher. So I thought maybe we could all teach him. We take a moment.

Well, as education and public school education continues to get defunded, I feel like we should be celebrating teachers, and especially the arts are the first to go. So I think that you know what, with any platform, you should thank teachers. And it's no secret that on the internet, if you want engagement,

you'll do pro-teacher content. That's just... And if you don't actually love the teachers, just do it for the numbers. Just say it anyway. No, we love teachers. So I'm going to say, I'm going to say thank you,

art teacher of the Potter. Yeah, thank you so much to this LA-based art teacher. Because of you, we have one more potter in this world. And keep doing you, and God bless you. And I've seen on TikTok that the classroom has become very challenging in recent years. Yes.

I just hope that you're taking care of yourself. I hope that you're doing your own pottery, that you're making time for yourself to be a potter as well. Because you're not just a teacher. I hope that you're doing your own pottery. That you're making time for yourself to be a potter as well. Because you're not just a teacher, you're also a person. You're, you know, maybe a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter,

and a potter in your own right. Or a husband. It could be a... That's true. Actually, we don't know. I'm so sorry. We do not know the gender of the potter teacher. My ceramics teacher in college was a man.

And... Was he a potter? Yeah, he was a potter. He did not like me. You do not thank him. I mean, to be fair, I was an asshole. But in that case, I didn't have the patience for pottery. But I'll thank him, too.

I know. Marika? Oh, I'll thank the teacher as well. But I do think it would be funny, and I hope this is the case, that we're thanking them because they took over the automotive shop so that the automotive shop owner could start their own ceramics company. And I think if they did that, that would be really cool of them. I'd watch that Disney Channel original movie. Yeah. Yeah, very like Princess and the Pauper, but it's auto mechanic and the potter.

That's really good. On that note, we got to take a break. Really good. We got to take a break for that. Really good. Thank you. And we're back. Oxford Dictionary's Word of the Year

is also deeply online. I tried to pull some deeply online content for you. Riz, right? I knew it. What do you guys think? I feel like... That's not my favorite slang word. Do you know what Riz means?

Yes. Everyone knows what Riz is. It's charisma. I charisma yep um i feel like i feel like riz doesn't have i don't know i'm just you don't think riz has riz oh yeah i feel like it came up too quickly it came up too quickly now you know i would love to see the internet the way that slang moves so quickly through the internet like first because i feel like it had like there was a shelf life on slang where it's like one cool black person said it and then and then like maybe 10 years later a white person would say now it's not yeah now a

white person will and it started with on fleek, where one black girl said, my eyebrows were on fleek. And then I would say, like, within months, Kardashians were putting their eyebrow, their brow gel, fleek, whatever. So it's just like, we're calling their clothes fleek. It happens really fast now. You know? And the longevity isn't the same. What I will say.

The longevity isn't the same. It's my mom was in town this week and she has held on to bling. Okay. She says bling often. She is really held on to that and kind of continues to use it. I would say daily. Yeah. And I feel like my whole thing about Riz is that it's bringing up this thing that I feel like social media has really deprioritized,

which is like this charisma, this je ne sais quoi, this thing that you need, this personality, whatever. It's really a reinvention or like a repurposing of the thing game because when people say somebody has game that's riz that's charisma and i feel like you know it's all about fits and this and that and whatever and it's like no let's go back to the basics like what's your riz like um yeah and it's like how are you treating people how do people feel around you that's what's gonna get you uh what you want yeah I don't personally Riz has not made its way into my personal lexicon it makes me I feel honestly like very how do you do fellow kids if I were to say it. I would say he has gamey, like I say, right? Like, for example,

when we're talking about celebrities we would sleep with. I can tell you a very hot person, but I can also say, I'd fuck Guy Fieri because I know that he has. Realistic celebrity crushes. That's the more interesting thing. It's not realistic. It's like, I know that if we're at a celebrity crushes. That's the more interesting thing.

It's not realistic. It's like I know that if we're at a bar, Guy Fieri's putting it down. Yeah. Guy Fieri's charming me. He's asking you questions about yourself. He's making eye contact. He's asking you follow-up questions

based on the thing that you said earlier to show that he's listening. He's ordering for the table. He's ordering for the table. He's getting everyone's thing. That's charisma. He's ordering for the table. He's ordering for the table. He's getting everyone's thing. That's charisma. That's Riz. You'll move to a different topic, and then he'll bring it up and be like,

that's like what you said earlier, Millie. And you'll be like, take me home. Take me home, you know? You got a Charles Melton. I'm not going to say I wouldn't smash. I'm just saying. He's got to prove himself in that other area. I mean, yeah.

Guy Fieri's bringing it. Yeah. I don't know if Charles Melton has to ask other people questions. No, he doesn't. But he did give a very, very emotional and in-touch performance in May and December. Of course. There's obviously some depth there. There's depth there. I'll also say

there's a Twitch streamer. I sent Elise this clip, but there's a twitch streamer i sent elise this clip but there's a twitch streamer who um he posted like him like with the one of his fans or something and it was a girl and she was like whatever and all his like 13 year old twitch fans were like commenting like ill she's ugly or her body blah blah and this guy this twitch streamer like got so mad at them and he's like this is why no one wants to fucking talk to you guys have no fucking personality you don't know how to talk to people you always ask me wrist tip wrist tip of the day wrist tip of the day my number one wrist tip is shut the fuck up no one wants to hear you talk and honestly wrist tip

i would say just shut up and listen. Yeah. Shut up and listen. That is a major Riz tip. That's a major Riz tip. Wow. Major key alert. Yeah, major. Wait, wait, wait. Change it.

That's a dated. Yeah. That's a. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's a thing. All right. This is going to take it into our last segment here.

Mm-hmm. Listen, you guys are on the network now, right? Yeah. This is, you know, let's get serious for a second here. Uh, where did it go? Let's get serious. I use a public. Okay, hold on.

This never happens. This never happens. Sorry, I'm on public Wi-Fi on a bus. It's very cold outside. Let's get serious wifi on a bus. Let's get serious here for a second. You know, we like to have fun. You know,

you guys host a comedy show, but you know, you're on the network now. This is a, this is, this is serious business, you know, and we all need to stand on business. Right.

I've, that's why I've come out with some, some, some PR stunts slash product placement slash branded opportunities for the show go touch grass premiering on head gum two days from now slash last week if you're listening to this episode uh so go check out the first and maybe second episodes um these are products and publicity stunts that i thought that you guys could do to promote the show in conjunction with all the cross-comer you're doing.

So the first one is go drink kvass. Are you guys familiar with kvass? What's kvass? No. No, we don't live in LA. We drink water and bodega soda. People in LA don't drink kvass either. That's why there's a hole in the market here.

And I'm going to say the product, and then I'm going to say the copy that I've created for you guys. Here we go. Kick back and unwind the way the hosts of Go Touch Grass do by housing a couple of these grain cereal-based fermented sodas from a can or bottle. The sweet and sour taste of this bubbling Eastern European oddity leaves an aftertaste that can only

be described as okay. You won't regret Kvass. Subscribe to Go Touch Grass 2. Amazing. Go Touch Grass 2. More touch, more grass. Yes, that's what I'm saying.

This is ad copy for the products that are going to be the branded opportunities. What do you guys think? What do you want to solicit from us right now? Oh, okay. He wants to know if we'll be able to drink that soda. Yeah, I'll drink the soda. Feedback. I'm trying to find it.

Kvass? My feedback is I don't really understand what Kvass is, but if anyone wants to sponsor. It's a low alcohol BLR. Is it like... What's that? Is it like kombucha? It's... Yeah, it's fermented.

And I wish it was. That'd be simpler to understand. It isn't. Okay, now here's my thing. Is Kvass the name of the genre of drink? Correct. Or is it one... Is it like Kleenex?

Where it's like... Kleenex is a brand of tissue? Like, or so are we promoting like the way that the milk lobby or the can lobby, like just the general idea of this drink? Or is there a specific brand? So Kvass

is like beer. It's like a category. Okay. And then Go Drink Kvass would be like Miller Lite. Okay, so the brand is Go Drink Kvass the product is kvass correct exactly right I mean who says no to that and how does that not show we might Okay, let's move on to the next product then Just stay chased This go touch grass branded chastity belt

is not for the faint of heart nor Randy of loins. Each week, you can listen to the sultry sounds of Go Touch Grass while growing increasingly sexually frustrated. Millie and Elise wax all things internet pop culture as you eunuch yourself through bondage. If you aren't willing to lock up your bits and throw away the key for

Millie and Elise, then don't listen to the podcast at all. Um, okay, you know, I can't 100% get behind, like, purity culture, but if it's a kink thing, then I'd be more willing. And I wish it was kink.

It's somehow neither. It's not. It's just someone being willing to forego sexual pleasure in service of people listening to your show. Of the podcast? Yeah. I say do it. I feel like people fuck too much. Like, people need to be more conscious about fucking.

Yeah, official Touch Grass opinion is people fuck too much. People fuck. Yeah. Official Touch Grass opinion is people fuck too much. People fuck too much. Go Touch Grass. Go Touch Grass not yourself. No,

go Touch Grass stay away from ass. All right, so just stay Chase. stay away from ass. We're going to keep, we're going to go with that one.

All right, adding to cart. Yeah, no, that brand partnership wrote itself. That one actually, the synergy was apparent. did actual research. All right. Adding to cart. Yeah, no, that brand partnership wrote itself. That one actually, the synergy was apparent. Sounds like someone actually did actual research.

All right, here we go. This is the third product. Go clutch grass. This grass-based coin purse is for those who categorize themselves as being in the middle of the Venn diagram between loving the podcast Go touch grass and needing a tote made out of dirt imagine keeping most of your daily belongings in a sack of sod while cracking the fuck up listening to one of millie's foibles or even elise's follies the show is worth listening to but only if you own a bag that's also a pasture i also also like The Tonight Show, but that's not a podcast.

So that whole thing is the copy for this product. I will say I think it would be really cool to sell a little clutch bag that is like AstroTurf. Yeah, I'm behind this. I like this. Yeah, I think a bag made of grass is fun. But I'm confused because in the copy that you wrote, you alternated between describing it as made of grass and made of dirt. Or sod.

Or sod. Is it in the way that we're all dirt or something? I'm confused as to the materials that are being used to make the bag. No, it's an astroturf thing, as Marika says. When you get it, it's just dirt, but you plant grass in the bag on the sides, and as you own the clutch, it grows into grass.

I love it all. I'm down with any interpretation of this. I think I'm down. I think people have dumb... There's a fashion statement with dumbass purses. I think... I'm down. The internet loves a weird purse.

Like a funny bag that's shaped like a couch. The baguette bag. The baguette bag. A little tiny bag. So I definitely do think there's, again, just kind of a natural synergy. This is going way better than I thought. Really?

It's only the kvass that we didn't quite get on board with. Which I'm honestly shocked by. Honestly, I should have sent clams casino and kvass your way. Here we go. The next product is. I hope it smells better. Because now the smell is getting to me. Yeah, it's rotting.

The next branded opportunity is no such ass. Elise and Millie will both post photos of their asses on Maine. Then if anyone asks them about it, they will cryptically claim that there is no such ass. Publicity stunt? Yes. But if you, but if, sorry. Publicity stunt?

Yes. But if trying to grow tomatoes has taught me anything, you can try your hardest to make something grow and it still probably won't work. Listen to Go Touch Grass or don't. What's the product? The product is our ass on Maine. But then what is the CTA?

Like, do people click? Is it like a only, like, I'm like confused. Yeah, I'm confused as it. What is the, like, CTA? Like, do people click? Is it, like, only, like, I'm, like, confused. Yeah, I'm confused as to how this works. So is it, like, they give us a certain amount of money? Do we have to post our ass every time we hit, like, a metric of some kind? The entire ethos behind this is that, you know, if trying to grow tomatoes has taught me anything, it's that trying to grow anything is really difficult. And it doesn't matter how much sun it gets, how much you water it.

It doesn't matter what you do. So why not just show hole on main and then lie about it? Oh, our ass hole? Yeah, sorry. There's a big difference between ass and the hole. Our biker shorts? The wider you spread, the wider you spread. Like wearing a short skirt.

The wider you spread, the wider the spread of the show. No, I get how hole is shown. I understand. I know how it works. I understand how to show hole. We're just saying, for this, do we have to show hole? I think the wider your audience will grow. You're changing.

You're kind of changing what the original pitch was. Because the original pitch was to show ass, so to me, that would kind of mean a thong. Or even a tight. At least those are great ass. I think even a tight. A lot of people have said that, yeah. Yeah, that works.

That works, but at the same time, I think it won't actually do numbers. It's almost smoky now. I know. I know. The clams are really. We're talking about a hole. The clams are really pungent.

It's getting to me. It's pretty crazy in here. Moving on. Moving on to the last branded opportunity. This is called This Show's Crass. Show your love and appreciation for hosts Millie and Elise by avoiding this podcast altogether. From the initial launch of the show on December 13th on. from the initial launch of the show on December 13th on. If anyone asks why you aren't listening to Go Touch Grass,

the perfect excuse is that the hosts skew a little too blue for your tastes. Unlike advertisers with ad space on Go Touch Grass, people will buy that. This business opportunity is not a product. Just sometimes the best way you can show love is to let it go. Avoid the show now. Avoid the show now. Avoid the show now. Avoid the show now. Avoid the show now. Is this you starting a chant or is that in the copy? That's the ad copy.

The ad copy assumes that a chant will be picked up, I guess. You know, we have been called too crass on other projects that we have done. People have said we curse too much and stuff. Oh, well, yeah. I'm just gonna, you know,

I'm just gonna say that I'll pull the woman of color card and say that if you don't fucking support this show, I'm a fan. You know what I mean? You don't support Latinas. Yeah, you don't support Latinas. You don't support.

Listen, I'll pull the fatphobic card. I'll pull all the fucking cards. You better listen to me. The cards are out. The cards are out. Listen, we're from Bushwick. We'll fucking pull our tarot cards. I'll fucking pull a card.

I got my MetroCard credit cards that I'm not paying. Debit cards. I'll pull them all out and say that if you feel like we're too crass, that's a you problem. We're batting 400 here with these branded opportunities. So in summary, we're going to put them out. We hate this last one. This last one is out. The last one is out.

The first one's out. I think if you want us to show our booty hole on Maine, I'm going to have say no to that it's like a tight like i don't know i feel like to go my mother-in-law follows me on maine so that's this whole thing is a blue sky all right we're just tossing out ideas and it looks like the two that we settled on is that we're gonna create a licensed and branded go touch grass chastity belt chastity belt which will not be for the faint of heart nor Randy of loins. And then we're also gonna create a dirt slash sod bag that the longer you own it,

the longer the grass is on the bag growing out from it that somehow promotes the show or not. Or sod. Grass is always greener on the other side of the pod. Exactly right. Wow. On the other side of the sod. True.. Wow. On the other side of the sod. That's so true.

Yeah, I'm feeling really good about these opportunities. Yeah. I'm feeling really good about them. I'm feeling really good about these branded opportunities. The other ones I feel like. I'm feeling really good about people having been intro'd to y'all. I can't imagine anyone listens to this episode and doesn't want to also go check out Go Touch Grass on the HeadGum Network. So we've come to the end of the hour, guys. I can't imagine someone listens to this episode and doesn't want to also go check out Go Touch Grass on the HeadGum Network. We've come to the end of the hour, guys.

I can't imagine someone listens to this episode. Thank you. I'm like, I can't imagine someone listens to this episode and doesn't immediately refer you to a therapist. Is that the results of every episode? Yes. Yes, of course. Honestly, a lot of the listeners themselves, a lot of the youtube comments

are like my daily dose of poison can't wait to listen to this and then be upset for the rest of the day yeah i i did see i did look at the headroom uh podcast and saw see a lot of the vitriolic is vitriolic a word yeah oh yeah that's a good one i mean what is it about me and i'll say I mean what is it about me that sours people well you said that we should put our booty hole on Instagram main well you owe me a Rolex watch

also as we established is that you're promising luxury goods to people and you're not delivering I get that instead you're ordering them clams yeah you sent us clams casinos. You showed us a nasty toe. Yeah, I mean.

And this hour has been crazy. Yeah, what do you mean? We just gave you ten reasons why people don't like you. I can work with that. I just wanted to have some ammunition going into the next week's therapy session. You're not even here and you made this room stink to high heaven. I know. It reeks in here.

I'm gonna have to get the clam funk. Not just with the clams, some might argue. Plugs, what do you guys have going on? Plug the show, also your social media, your other projects. Let's start with Millie.

Yes, you can listen to Go Touch Grass every Wednesday. You can follow us um follow our patreon subscribe to our patreon uh just you know it's a great community we're happy to help you if you want to get the newsletter we do have a really great newsletter that's a dollar a month like come on you can follow me on instagram at millie underscore tamirez you can follow me on Instagram at Millie underscore Tamerez. You can follow me on TikTok at Millie underscore Tamerez. You can follow me on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter, at Millie Tamerez, T-A-M-A-R-E-Z, a.k.a.

Wactose intolerant. I cannot digest wackness, and it hurts my body. So, yeah, those are my plugs, and we're really excited for this show. Yeah, we're so excited to be on HeadGum. We're so excited to launch the pod. Like Millie said, you can follow the podcast at GoTouchGrassPod on everything, all the apps, the good ones, the bad ones.

We're there. You can follow me on Instagram at Pandalise. That's P-A-N-D-A-L-I-S-E. It's not changeable. I tried. And you can follow me on TikTok at Elise Navidad. I love Elise Navidad. Elise Navidad is a very good handle.

I cannot. Change your Instagram? Yeah, because once you're verified, you can't. Oh, shit. You can't change it. Because I'm like, I changed my shit, but it's like, oh. Yeah. Well, I had to get verified because people made fake Millie Tamaris.

Yeah, so don't follow those. Follow the real Millie. Yeah, follow Millie underscore Tamaris. And follow me at Pandelise with the understanding that if I could, I would change it to Elise Navidad, but I can't. And then go to TikTok and you can follow me at Elise Navidad. And I'm off X because I had to remove myself from the platform. I send her X things

every day. She's over there. I'm lurking. She's talking to Grok. Yeah. You know what Grok is? No, what's Grok? No, Grok is the AI chatbot

that Elon Musk made for only paid Twitter users that's sarcastic. It's funny. It's a funny, quippy, not woke. It'll say stuff like, I'm a ninja, fucker. Oh, that's funny. That's actually really good. You said, I'm a ninja?

Honey badger, don't give a fuck. It's like that kind of stuff. And it's like, hates chat TPT. Yeah. It hates chat TPT. That's a good bit. That makes sense. Marika, what do you got?

I'll just say, listen to Go Touch Grass. Oh, yeah, we love Marika. I'm really excited for it. And then, yeah, follow me at Marika Elan on all platforms. And at Jev Jeffrey James on Instagram check the show out and tell your friends about it

also if you're a freelance producer who will work for pennies on the dollar please I'd love to hire you on a pro bono basis to sort of be

in the studio while I do these reports the show has two producers. But also, don't believe Jeff Ravie says he's going to give you stuff or pay you because he owes me a luxury item that he promised me to my face.

Well, Jeff's telling us to put our booty holes on Instagram. He doesn't want us to win. He don't even want us to win. Honestly, that's probably because he did that. That was a Hiddem Original.