The Headgum Podcast - 193: Dregments

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

Jake, Amir, and Anya join Geoff in Studio G for the first-ever edition of DREGMENTS, a "punched-down" version of Jake and Amir's podcast, Segments.Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on The HeadGum Podcast. Amir, how was your weekend? Much less eventful than that. I didn't see any Broadway musicals. I didn't see anything at all. I stayed at home. I watched football. We're dog-sitting an extra dog, so I got two dogs instead of one. And it feels like it's three times the work. I mean, it's just like, when you got two things interacting with each other forget about it and one's an older guy

they he can't even jump on the couch he's whining I gotta lift him up every time he goes anywhere we got diapers for the little dude thankfully he hasn't had to use them but it was definitely in play as he gets excited very easily anxious skittish, skittish, scared. He's 15 plus. So, you know. Oh my God. Human years. That's 90 years old. Is it small? He looks like my dog, but even smaller and older.

They look like twins a little bit. I didn't mean to insult Anya. I mean, this whole room is shit. That's crazy. I don't like the way they feel. Which ones do you like? I don't know. What do you have in ones do you like? I don't know. What do you have in New York?

Beats by Dre. Sorry. I'm not going to stand for the Studio G slander. Did we start? There's no way, because we didn't hear the... It's like a preamble. Maybe we're starting something new where there's like a cold open. I see.

It's cold. Cold. Very cold. We didn't hear the... I just turned on you against me. Yeah. This is our first time on the show together and you're starting out saying that the headphones

feel cheap on your head. I didn't know you made them. I didn't know you heard me. We're not treating it with the reverence that I've been begging for people to let me record in Studio G. Okay. Here we are and the first words out of Mir's mouth

is that the headphones are bad. I didn't say that. You didn't say that. You didn't disagree. I mean, they are incredibly cheap, and this whole place is shoddily designed. This is crazy. You co-signed. You guarantored Jake's quote.

I do have some qualms with the Studio G. You wanted to get in here for such a long time you're here and you're instantly upset my main thing is i feel like the walls could have been a salmon or a cola yeah we know maybe like an off brown off brown in a way let's keep the main thing the main thing i mean look at background behind Amir. It's sort of halfway, I don't want to get ahead of myself, between a salmon or a cola. And his part of the frame looks very cherry. Are you fucking kidding me? That's just one simple question you can answer.

Oh. That was a cold open. Nice. With the button of Are you fucking kidding me It took us what Five minutes Honestly Stop recording

Yeah What Sorry I have to wait For the music Okay I don't like the energy What headphones Do you guys use in New York

I don't know But they're not This Where's my camera It's there Who doesn't know You're on the single You're on the single

Who doesn't even know Here we go Here we go K Here we go. Kicking things off. Do they feel expensive? The ones in New York? Yeah, they have a nice weight to them. I'm going to hold them and you slap them in the nose.

Anya, now's the perfect time for the first ever Anya's druthers. That was the perfect time 30 seconds into the episode. Thank you. Yeah, because she was like, where's my camera? She said, where's my camera? She has stuff to say. Look into this camera, yeah. Here's what I have to say. Here's what I've learned over my first two years here at HeadGum.

You cannot design, this is too loud, you cannot design a studio by committee. Everybody has their fucking little opinions. There's not one thing that I've brought into either one of these studios that hasn't been remarked upon by either a co-worker or one of our beautiful and talented hosts. I just got a text out of nowhere. He's adjusting the cameras, should have done this earlier. I just got a text out of nowhere that

apparently my friend, Nick Weiger of the Doughboys, just went on a rant in the other studio about the new timers I bought that I thought were really cute and easy to use. Here's what I have to say. If you can't come up with stuff to talk about on your podcast that isn't something that's directly in front of you like you're playing fucking iSpy, you should not be in this business. I shouldn't be in Studio G or Studio H.

You shouldn't be in either studio most of the time. But you do use the parking lot outside as your personal car garage. Even though I've told you many times that we... Uncovered, more of a carport. Yeah. But you did leave the car there overnight. Overnight.

Not just overnight. Overnight? Okay, you come pick it up in the morning. All the next day. Because I was hungover. That's not my problem. It's not my car. If I'm hungover, I can't claim that because i can't drive that because you can still have

by the way alcohol in your blood yeah the day after if you drank enough you shouldn't even be drinking you have a head injury i have a concuss so this is turned in from an anya's druthers to like let's all jump down jeff's throat all this to say, if you have a problem with something in the studio, you can talk to me about it off air. I thought I would. I will. I did. I've only done the headphones before. I didn't even know we were rolling.

I feel like I incited this whole entire thing. Let's get a time reading. And nobody gave me an idea. I'm going to lump in with you're saying the headphones don't feel good. It's unrelated to the design. I like the headphones. I like Studio G. You're wearing different headphones than I am, by the way.

Yeah, you have nicer headphones than we do. Those are not nicer. These are nicer. Really? I love Studio G. I like it better than Studio H. I don't want to hear that either. What do you mean?

They're both nice. We worked really hard on them. You didn't set up Studio H. Yes, I did. At the beginning? When Jeff had a problem with the paint was the day we were painting. That's when he came to me with suggestions for other paint colors. It was too late.

I had a sampler. I had the card. I had a brinjong. It looks nice in here. I had chine green. This is a nice color. Yes, that's a nice color because that looks like cola. This is actually bad because we haven't finished designing it yet, but it will be nice. And people will have a fucking problem with it. I love this studio.

I love every part of the studio. I just wish it was a chine green. I just wish it was a cola. So not every part of the studio. Why do you want headphones to be heavy? When will we stop playing this music? It's driving me insane. Why do you want headphones?

Why do you want the headphones to be heavy on your head? It's good that they're light. Because heavy is the head that wears the crown. I don't like how wide these are. Studio Jeff. Can we start over? This is not how I thought it was going to be. I think me too.

We've only ever gotten along. I've been enjoying the day because we're in Studio G. You're a food poison. Love it. You are Jardia. You're a Nora man. Yeah. You infect people.

Sort of a Noro. Yeah. Just being here creates enemies. Brother against sister between Jake and Anya. I was going to say because I was trying to get Mike in here as well. You're an ear against brother as well. And an ear wig. Studio H is what it is.

We had the space to work with that we had. We maximized it, right? The colors weren't quite there there. The content followed suit. And now we have Studio G in which we have Jake Johnson recording, right?

We're here to help podcast. He records in Studio H as well. Really? Right. I think it's more about the amount of people than it is the caliber of guests. We don't think one is better than the other. That's just you. It's the quantity of guests, not the quality of hosts.

It's the quantum leap between studio H&G. Similar to me. Yeah. Yeah. Here's what I'll say. I feel like I have some ground rules for this episode. Okay.

And I feel like if I had started with those, we wouldn't have gotten into this negative feedback loop, this Ouroboros of poison that we've entered into. This episode would be different from all the others.

If we say these ground rules. Go ahead. Number one is overlapping dialogue. We did that a lot. Obviously, we've adhered to that. Are these the same ground rules from the previous weeks? No, these are brand new ground rules. The first one, well, not really.

The first one's the same. I'm actually going to take on this one. This is actually mending our relationship, so keep going. Number two is let's not delve too much into the past. Interesting. For example, the studio's already been built. There's nothing we can do. Well, that's

a great example as well. Let's not delve too much into the past. I don't know how you've been talking about the colors of the studios for a while. The colors endure. The colors are in the present because they're right here. Yeah, and they're not salmon. Yeah, but I mean it's been asked and answered. We might need to rule out salmon. sure has he been ready to roll out cola yeah for sure i uh that's so annoying i agree that we should not dwell on the studios of your the studios of now

yeah i also think you know you guys have like the ground rule three this is ground rule two i know i know we haven't gotten quite through ground rule two we have the j Jake and Amir. What's Ground Rule 3? This is Ground Rule 2. I know. I know. We haven't gotten quite through Ground Rule 2. We have the Jake and Amir watch, Jake and Amir. I know that that's great, but that's your guys' Patreon, right? This is the HeadGum Podcast. So let's not dwell on the past. We're not talking about that. Let's move forward.

I paid him to mention that. Instead of dwelling so much. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's create new stuff. By the way, I got that. You didn't need to hammer it home to that extent.

Past home, not just home. Yeah. Back to the dugout, basically. For sure. Number three is, if possible, I thought we were in Studio H, right? Yeah. If possible, let's move into Studio G.

So we're already... We are here. We're already nailing ground rule number three, which is to record in Studio G, yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, here we go. And this one we didn't do, yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, here we go. If, if, and this one we didn't do great on. Uh-huh.

Number four was, if Anya has gripes with me, sprinkle them in throughout the episode. No, I got them all out of the way. Not just berate me all at once. Okay, that's hard. Yeah. I mean, I actually, I think it's, what we did is arguably better. Five.

I have a suggestion. Cut up what I said and kind of sprinkle it in throughout the episode. That's good. Maybe we could even make them soundboard buttons. Five is Jake. Let's not talk about the kid. Right?

Gemma? My daughter? You have a kid. You didn't invent them. Yeah. I didn't bring her up. I know, but you might later on. I actually love Gemma.

Let's talk about it. I love Gemma. You clearly don't. Gemma cracked up when she was in my lap. Did she? I thought she was either laughing or crying. I think she L. I'm trying to remember.

Yeah, she might have smiled. She had a little bit of joy. My point is just, here we go, right? You brought her up. I'm saying from now on, head here forth. Fine. The crown rules. Really mean rule. Fine. I'm saying from now on, head here forth. Fine. The ground rules. Really mean rule.

Fine. I won't do it. The last rule is to enjoy the ride. Okay. Can we all just agree to try to have a good time? We can try. Yeah. Yeah.

I appreciate that. I didn't agree. I would say you killed the mood, but it also started bad. Jake and Amir, two guys that are fine. In 2010, Jake dated ******. And all things considered, their success is less than earned. Now here's a one-off podcast to show that coming up with segments is really hard.

Dreadmins on the Headcum Podcast. Dreadmins. It's Jeff better than segments. Dreadmins. It's the best of all Headcum shows. Now then, meet your perfect brown host. Dreadmoughts. Oh my God.

I have COVID. Who made this art for you? I did. Really? Pretty good. It looks great. Yeah. The one on the left looks cool.

So Ferris made a theme song for you? Ferris has COVID. And he made that. I texted him. I said, hey, first episode ever tomorrow of Dregmans. Yeah. Dregmans is a new segment on the HeadGum podcast called Dregmans, which is basically the point of this, the crux of this short,

is to prove once and for all that it's hard as shit to come up with new segments every week. Okay. People give me a lot of guff. They're like, you got to put more effort into this shit. This is me putting more effort into it. Yeah, that's great. You guys have a show where you have to come up with new segments every week. It's hard. Okay. People give me a lot of guff. They're like, you got to put more effort into this shit. This is me putting more effort into it. Yeah, that's great. You guys have a show where you have to come up with new segments every week.

It's hard. Yeah. Yeah. It is hard. Really? Well, it's hard to come up with good ones. Okay, great. You can come up with shitty ones easily.

I thought it was going to take the whole episode to get you to admit that. Oh, really? We don't have to do the rest of it. What about, is there anything beyond that art? Yeah, is there a segment? Do you have segments? And why dreg? There are dregmans.

Because it's like bottom of the barrel, dregs. So what's an example of a dregman? I'm so glad you asked. Welcome to Who's 101. Who is 101? Do we have to name celebrities that are 101? Is this based on when we did Who's 58 or Who's 55? Exactly. We've done some different ages, okay. Who's 101? Is this based on when we did Who's 58 or Who's 55? We've done some at different ages.

Who's 101? I don't know anybody that's 101. Is William Shatner up there? He's in his 90s, right? There's no way there are over 100. There's no celebrity that's over 100. I think Shatner's maybe pushing 80. Betty White died at like 99.

Who's the guy that created all the sitcoms? Chuck Lorre? No. No. No. No. No. No. Older. And he recently passed.

We only find out about celebrities that reached Carl Reiner. Weathers. Not him. Not Carl Weathers. He did pass. All right. I think Carl Reiner. I think he was.

101. How old is Rupert Murdoch? How old is he? Should we get a number crunch on that? Yeah. 101 is so beyond the pale. Like 95 is almost too old. Rupert Murdoch is 92.

We're still nine years shy of Murdoch. Sure. These are people who were born in 1922. These are people who were born with a gift, and the gift was to age old. I guess this game is just named the oldest celebrity we could think of. Yeah. Does anybody have anybody?

I don't know why you guys are shitting on this segment. How old is Mel Brooks? How old is Mel Brooks? Yeah. That's part of the game. You look it up. 90. 90.

Is that possible? It's possible. 97. Oh, is that true? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. He's still alive. That's incredible. You guys put stakes to this, true? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

He's still alive. That's incredible. You guys put stakes to this, right? It's cash. Norman Lear. Yeah. You Googled it. No, I asked someone.

No, you didn't. I swear to God. Who did you ask? Google. Google. Anya's disqualified for Googling. You're not allowed to be on your phone Obviously you did I think Norman Lear recently passed

So that's another reason He was literally 101 But he's dead He doesn't exist anymore He died in deceit He ceased to desist Now he is deceased He ceased to desist

That's good Come on Let's get to 101 Oh, Jimmy Carter President Yeah, he's still alive He's still in hospice He just celebrated one year in hospice

Wow Could be 99 You celebrate that? Jimmy Carter is 99. I think his family might have celebrated it. We have to go until you guys get it.

We almost nailed it. Is there someone that you have in mind? Yeah, I know. You know one celebrity? A celebrity that's 101. I'm kind of producing in this capacity.

I'm sort of the Casey of these druthers. I mean, older than Jimmy Carter is really tough. Yeah. We need someone who was like 80

in 1980. Can I narrow it down? 101, so. Yeah. We need someone who was like 80 in 1980. Can I narrow it down? 101, so. No. Like the kind of person. Like is it actor, comedian, celebrity politician? Architect, stage actress, and widow. Famous widow.

Who's famous for having a dead husband? Wait, it's a woman architect? There's three. I have three that I was like we probably wouldn't say. Is Nancy Reagan alive? Is Nancy Reagan alive? Do you hear yourself when you're guesting? No, it's a woman architect? There's three. I have three that I was like, we probably wouldn't say. Is Nancy Reagan alive? Is Nancy Reagan alive? Do you hear yourself when you're guesting?

No, she's dead. She's dead, right? Because people are making a lot of jokes about her giving head in heaven. Interesting. I would never. Or hell, actually, I should say.

Jesus Christ. Can we not politicize her as a drag queen? Or a drag queen? Wait, who'd you say? Was that your guess? I didn't say anything, but Frank Lloyd Wright.

You said Jesus Christ. I think he's 2,024 years old, technically, but he's gone. who'd you say was that your guess I didn't say anything but Frank Lloyd Wright you said Jesus Christ don't think famously dead at 33 I think he's 2024 years old technically but he's gone well he ceased to desist didn't he he ceased to desist

and he I mean Carter is the leader in the clubhouse you guys have to get closer if you want yeah that's really tough at any point you guys could call uncle

architect widow and what stage actor and those are three different people One of them is a famous widow All three different people But I wouldn't put it past the architect That they maybe did Also as a husband

Yeah And lost their husband Yeah Barbara Bush? Oh, that's not bad Thank you I love You're in the political sphere

Which is very interesting I'm trying to get more involved she's dead she's gone right but it was 92 in 92 she died is George H.W. alive?

no he's dead um okay you guys can call Drunkle anytime who's Drunkle? I don't mean like phone a fiend

I mean like everything you say is wrong I mean like you can call Uncle and be like I can't take this oh uncle yeah uncle or drunk i give up a drunkle i give up frank floyd right frank gary we were looking for oslovian architect famous for designing the sandifjord town Hall and the Norwegian Maritime Museum Trond Eliasson.

I thought he was 100. I wasn't going to get that even with a hint. Is he really 101? You thought he seems younger. He seems younger. Well, he's about to be 102. His birthday is in March.

Yeah. I was going to say, he's a Pisces for sure. Do you think that he's going to be on the Today Show Smucker segment? I don't think he can make it out of bed anymore. Who's the famous widow? Rachel Robinson.

Jackie Robinson's wife. Former wife. He is gone. Also would have taken Janice Page. Thanks. Stage actress, in a way. And Norman Lear. Norman Lear was the one that I thought somebody might actually guess

I did guess it you googled it I did not I texted Nick really yeah he's been to his house a lot wait how old is Nick

maybe this is 34 he's not 101 35 he looks great I almost nailed Nick what do you mean his age

I see good thing he doesn't listen to this show His age. I see. Good thing he doesn't listen to this show. It's this portion of the show that I had open for you to fucking give your druthers. I already did it. So I don't know what else, because we have 12 minutes before the next one.

You shouldn't have assigned that to Ferris. Yeah, I was going to say. That wasn't for you to do. So there was only one Dregment? It's Dregments, plural. No, there's a lot. I just, the next one is timed, right? What do you mean? It's timed. I had 12 minutes to talk

about how you shouldn't park your car all day in the parking lot. I thought, who's 101 was gonna take like 15? How long did it take? It felt like it took 30 minutes. 30, yeah. I thought it was going to be less. We'd time it out perfect. It's okay to wax.

It's okay to have fun. We're in Studio G. Fine. Honestly, Jake being here is more of like an exciting moment and a momentous occasion than a different studio. Like, Jake hasn't done this show in six months.

And I would agree with you because he hasn't done the show in a bit. Since your wedding. We've never done the show here. He's been on the show before. We've never done it in Studio G. But this show in six months. And I would agree with you because he hasn't done the show in a bit. Since your wedding. We've never done the show here. He's been on the show before. We've never done it in studio. But this doesn't really matter. It doesn't affect the show.

What is this? You know how much blood, sweat, and sweat equity? Blood equity. Blood equity that Anya put into this shit. And cola paint. I don't, at a certain point, it doesn't matter what paint's on the wall. She worked her fucking ass off for this shit. Let alone Casey. I don't think it's funny it doesn't matter what paint's on the wall she worked her fucking ass off for this shit let alone Casey

I don't think it's funny to do it as a bit you can't make fun of her or give her praise as a bit he's not giving me praise he is he's not

I do mean this it was fake and faint it was not faint it was praise whether he was being sarcastic or not it's a dealer's choice the praise is real

I think the studio's amazing I have a note which is cola but real. I think the studio's amazing. I have a note, which is cola, but that doesn't mean the studio's not great. I've been begging them to let me in the studio. We get enough feedback,

I think, in the YouTube comments that it's covered. What are the YouTube comments? Just in general. People like to say like, oh, you guys should have edited this a little bit faster.

You know, I'm an editor. I know. If you guys want to hear it from someone who's, I've been in the industry for a long time. Sweet, yeah. So if you have anything to hear it from someone who's, I've been in the industry for a long time. Sweet. Yeah.

So if you have anything to say about the editing or the style of the studio, sound off in the comments below. I want to hear it. Well, it's hard because I'm going to edit this, right? So it's like, I don't really know if I want that. If you have anything to say about Jeff, sound off in the comments. I don't know about that because I feel like they already sound off and that's without permission.

Yeah. Well, it's freedom of speech. They can express themselves. I don't know if they should have that. Ultimately, it's good for the company because it's like engagement and gets like the video up and they can express themselves I don't know if they should have that it's ultimately it's good for the because it's like engagement gets like the video up and the algorithms and I appreciate that

I just wish that the reason why it's going up in the algorithm is joy and positivity well I think people should just say what they want and if it turns out

that it's negative then you should take that as but I'm not even open to constructive kind of a sign that you criticism does that make sense clearly yeah

it seems like you have a very thin skin yeah no it's like you know obviously very thin skin yeah no it's like you know obviously the layer is there but it's I was gonna say

it's sort of sheer it's I'm bolting I'm sort of you're translucent yeah I'm shedding my previous skin which was thin

for another one that's more of a veneer yeah like a snake like a reptile you're a reptilian man a sheer veneer Veneer yeah

I'm enmeshed with the idea of having mesh Does that make sense? It doesn't He had the mesh He had skin that was mesh It was enmeshed It was a graveyard mesh Mesh

His name was Mahesh Alright well if we're done We're not done Mahesh. His name was Mahesh. So. All right. Well, if we're done, there's like some other stuff. We're not done. He has a fucking gun. I saw him flashing a gat. Jake tried to tell me I needed a gun.

Yeah. Yeah. I suggested. I heard recording now like the Zoom started recording. I asked if you had a gun. And then you said we should get you one. Yeah, well, when you said you didn't have one, I said we should get you a gun. Right.

That's nice. Yeah. So it didn't come out of nowhere. I said, do you have a gun? I said no. Yeah, and then I said we should get you a Glock. Or at least a nice musket. Yeah.

You guys play a game on your show called Mystery Guest. Right. Is that fair to say? Yeah. I'm buying time. You've said a lot of unfair things, but that fact was definitely not... This is the segment I like to call Shivering Guest. George Saba.

You can't just guess out of nowhere. And that's not correct. That's not correct. Riley Anspaugh. Shut up. Right? Did you think that rhymed? Is it Miles?

Mystery with Shivering? Miles Monsignore. Why do you keep on playing the intro? Because I'm trying to have another fucking edit point where I can get rid of your guys' nonsense, right? Here we go. This is a segment I like to call Shivering Guest. My house con senore. Just let me introduce the segment first, right?

Okay, yeah. This is just like Mystery Guest, only in this version, our mystery guest is currently standing outside in a below freezing climate without a jacket. Like outside the studio? In a cold climate. a jacket. Like outside the studio? In a cold climate. Like right outside the studio? Well, it's not a cold climate here. It's not below freezing. Shivering guests, can you text in the chat

to let us know that you're here and that you are outside? We can hear them breathing. Yeah. Also, mute yourself, Shivering Guest. Obviously. Your teeth chattering. Very distracting, Shivering Guest.

I need you to be colder, Shivering Guest. Shivering Guest, you can also text me. If you're too cold to use the phone. Did you freeze to death, Shivering Guest? You can put a sweater on until you go live shivering guests. We need to get them

one of those metallic Okay, they chatted. I am outside. All right. So you guys all get 20 guesses collectively. Okay. 20 guesses total.

Let's guess where they are first. Right. I'm most curious if it's here or New York. I don't think that's part of it. I think it has to be New York. Well, we can ask. That'll eliminate it.

Can we ask questions? Are you standing outside in New York? Shivering guests, are you in New York. I don't think that's part of it. I think it has to be New York. Well, we can ask. That'll eliminate it. Can we ask questions? Are you standing outside in New York? Shivering guests, are you in New York City? 40 minutes later. They're like, fingers, toes, and thumbs.

Yes. Oh, they are in New York. Okay. So truly a freezing climate. So who would Jeff ask to do this? Johnny's my first guess also. Do you want to jump straight to guessing names?

By the way, you've already guessed. Is it George Saba? Is it Riley and Spon Miles? You made an edit cut point and you reintroduced the segment, didn't you? Didn't you? So why are we going to be down two guesses for that? We can't edit this out. We'd like to guess Johnny Villa.

All right. Shivering guest, are you Johnny Villa? He's not. Not Johnny Villa. Or she is not. Okay. So it's someone in New York. What did that say?

It was a full sentence. It says, I'm not Johnny Villa. Jeff feels comfortable asking to stand outside. I think you, I wouldn't put it past you to ask Marika, but I don't think she'd do it. Should we ask if this person has ever done this podcast before? Oh, that's a good idea. That's not going to help.

Sorry. Yes, it will. Ask. It might help a lot. Ask. Shivering Guest, have you been on this podcast before? Shivering Guest, have you been on this podcast before? The audio is here, so I have to repeat everything you say.

Yes. Yes. Okay. All right. Yes. Okay. Wait, should we ask, not to be binary, but should we ask if it is a male or a female? Yeah, or at the very least identifies as such. Yeah, do you identify as...

It has to be yes or no. Does Shivering Guest identify as a woman? Yeah. Yes! A freezing cold woman in New York So it's not Johnny Shivering Guest Do you work

Yeah do you work at HeadGum Do you work for HeadGum Shivering Guest Do you work at HeadGum I think that's a yes They've been on the show Yeah it could be like a podcast Yes

Alright we've got Okay so I mean We're definitely gonna get it Emma and Marika Right Sage or It could be Sage Sage has been on the show before alright we've got okay so I mean we're definitely gonna get it right um sage or it could be sage

sage has been on the show before yeah poor sage if it's sage yeah if it's sage if it's sage you're in trouble

who would do this what no hey Shivergast leave the zoom it was uh Emma I guess we gotta guess Emma

okay wait okay go well yeah who do you wanna guess how about is it Emma or Marika we gotta guess Emma. Okay, go. Who do you wanna guess? How about is it Emma or Marika? We'll get a twofer. Is your name Emma or Marika? Okay, the question is, Shivering Guest, is your name Emma or Marika? But you only answer yes or no.

Wow. Nailed it. It's yes. So now we can narrow it down. It's gotta be either Emma or Marika, right? You knew that before. I don't know why you guessed that question. Okay, how do we narrow it down? Because I just don't think... It's going to be boring to say, is it Emma?

Marika, so Emma is more of like, she would placate Jeff and stand outside. Marika wouldn't want to placate Jeff, but does not mind suffering. What? Why don't we take a vote? Should we guess, but does not mind suffering. What? Why don't we take a vote? Should we guess? This does not count as a guess.

Are you hearing the guests, or can you only hear me? I am. I am hearing the guests. Okay. Do we want to? So did you hear Jake say that you're fine with suffering? No, Marika. I don't know.

Just whoever it is. No, he said. You said you were fine with suffering? Who's Marika? I don't know. Just whoever it is. No, he said... You said you were fine with suffering. You said that the person is fine with suffering. It's Marika. Shivering guest, turn on your camera. Yeah, you fucked that up really bad.

That's on me. I've never played mystery guest before. Are you cold? Well, Jeff didn't tell me to not wear a coat, so I am wearing my coat. So she's not shivering. She's just guest. Just guest. But are you shivering? A little bit,

but maybe out of anxiety for being on the street. It is nerve-wracking. All right, all right. Very good. Good guess. Thank you, Marika. Great job. Any parting words? Any plugs?

No. Follow her on Instagram and Letterboxd. Oh my God, thank you, Dave. Marika, do you want to know how the episode is going? Sorry, I can't hear you. Anya says, do you want to know how the episode is going? I do. Not well.

She says, not well. Yeah. Did you like the art, though? The art looks, yeah, it was really good. I think the episode's a hit. The song was awesome. The segments are awesome. Yeah.

All right, thank you, Mariko. Bye, Mariko. Bye, Mariko. Bye. She can't see us. Right. That makes sense. Maybe when she watches this later. We've come to the final Drag Men.

Great. You know what I'm saying? So Ferris has COVID? Ferris does have COVID. Yeah. How about Ferris? When he sang that, he was not feeling well. I actually have a text from him that says...

They're bringing me to the ER. I'm going to get intubated. And his reply is, can you just send that file first? Yeah. Can you see if I can still have HeadGum health insurance as a contractor? Is the respirator picking up in the background? He said, I'm mid-COVID right now. Don't think I...

Because I asked him if he wanted to guest on the show on Friday. He said, I don't think I'll be 100%. So even after knowing he had COVID, I said, okay, wait, I just have to ask. Please say no if you're not feeling well enough. Oh my God. But if I send you the lyrics to a parody theme song of segments,

could you sing a scratched track of it? I think it'd be even funnier if you sound sick and the recording isn't high quality. It was pretty good. And then you asked him to be the shivering guy. Which is so fucked up. That was my backup because he wouldn't have had to be outside. Right, he already has fever-like symptoms. Ferris says, not as bad as I thought as he sends me the scratched track.

If you had tried me yesterday, I might have thrown up. So he's trending up. We do need to take a break, actually. Yeah, that would have been the perfect time. Dreadbins! This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guys, if you had an extra hour in your day, how would you spend it? Because I would absolutely fix all of my problems with the extra hour.

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New Dregmen. Jeff, you really are good at a lot of different things that's impressive that you did the not really and you don't let you don't let people don't know that

because of how much you fuck things up that's what I was gonna say but you're really good at a lot of different things he's also really intelligent like he almost got like a perfect SAT score

really smart people don't know that valedictorian of his class he also like skipped the high school grade it was in Ohio but you're impressive you're an impressive guy

yeah poesy or noacy what the next dregman is poesy or noacy okay this is this is pretty much airlifted pussy or his nose this is just poetry or noetry but i kind of punched it up you were saying I was intelligent I kind of appreciated that it's not just poetry it's actually poesy as well it's not you know sort of what's poesy? poesy is just a synonym for poetry

poesy? it's an old timey way of saying poetry have you heard that? no never but I don't know maybe he did get an almost perfect score on his SAT. Poesy. Noun. The art and composition of poetry.

That's weird. I got a word that sounds like the other word. So it's actually not poetry. It's the composition of poetry. So you're going to read three poems? Is it the same exact segment as our show segments? I ran out of time to come up with a brand new drag, man. Okay.

But writing a poem is difficult. You didn't come up with other new ones either, by the way. Who's 101? It was a pun show. And mystery guests. Shivering guests. Right. Shivering guests.

Jeff doing punchdowns. That's a punchdown. That's really good. All right. You guys ready? Yeah. For sure. Should we explain to anybody who listens to this show but not me and Amir's show

what this segment is? Poesy or noesy? Sorry, do you want to commandeer the whole show? No, I haven't. I don't think I've spoken out of turn yet. I don't think I've said anything yet. Sure. You guys pitch it and you guys can plug segments. But again,

no one who listens to segments, by the way, doesn't listen to Dregman. What? So they already know. The segment is... They know. Yeah, I don't think that you have to...

Like some of us who... Okay. Maybe there's one or two of us that doesn't know. The segment is we read three poems, two of them real and one of them

that either Amir or I wrote. And we try to guess, you know, which one. That's a good segment. Just shoulders back and maybe scoot your butt back. I'm fine. If you're all right with fine, yeah. Here we go. Tinkle, tinkle, little car,

how I wonder what you are. Leaking oil every day Having it your own way Going up hills real slow I don't want you anymore Tinkle, tinkle, little car Boy, what a lemon you are Let's hear the second one it's not good but it's like

kind of impressive as a limerick yeah every word rhymed I think with itself? what does that mean every word every end of the line every line a funny young fellow named

perkins was terribly fond of small gherkins so this is the limerick one day after tea he ate 90 tree and pickled his internal workings that one's pretty good and i don't think you wrote i don't think you wrote it either yeah okay right perkins gherkins good, and I don't think you wrote it. I don't think you wrote it either. Yeah. Okay. Right. Perkins, gherkins, internal workings. I don't think you wrote the lemon car one either.

Interesting. So I think the last one is going to be you. Let's take a listen. Where do you think you found the car one? He just searched twinkle, tinkle, little car, and it showed up on Google. I didn't search it on Google. I searched it on my history because I love that poem. That's a joke. That one might be the one I wrote.

But you're admitting that Gherkins is not you. Well, I think that you guys are kind of... I wouldn't jump to any conclusions is what I'll say. There's also a chance you wrote all three of these. I could see that. A game show host that's just like sputtering the whole time. Incredible. A game show host that's leaking oil.

Yeah. Okay. Do not make haste Its breast is dressed Displace horseradishy waste No need for more zest Some simply taste And seek to impress While others disgrace

And don't trust the chef Don't dunk Toro in soy-ditched chopsticks for hands. Drink Sapporo with joy and let fish guide your glands. I mean, that one has

to be Jeff. But here's the thing, he could also have plugged in prompts to chat GPT. Yeah, they could all be AI, or they could all be Jeff. Do you want the titles of all these? Sure. That's usually how poetry is written, though. Okay, the first one is Tinkle Tinkle Little Car.

Yeah. The second one is Funny Young Fellow. And the last one is Omikase. All right. So I think... I feel like you could have written the first and the last, but the Funny Young Fellow,

I don't, that one seems like it's such an old limerick. Right, like a 1912 Harvard Lampoon joke. Yeah, like,

yeah. I think if you wrote it, you would have beaten the joke to death a little bit more. I mean, the fact that there was Norman Lear,

yeah. Right, right, that's what I meant. The fact that there was soy and fish in the last one makes it so... And Omikaze is the title. Yeah, I mean, that one's obviously Jeff. Wait, right. The fact that there was soy and fish in the last one makes it so...

And omakase is the title. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that one's obviously Jeff. Wait, sorry, hold on. That one makes sense, though. That one is, it's called omakase, and it's describing someone who's eating sushi. I'll say that you only wrote that last one. I have a question.

Okay. Are you saying that the other ones were written by, like, poets? Or, like, by... Yeah, the game is, like, two written by real poets. No, I know the real game is like that, but this one you're saying the other ones were written by like poets or like by yeah the game is like two written by real i know the real game is like that but this one you're saying the other ones were written by like actual poets or just like i don't think that's too much the other authors as dumb as you it's what i'm saying right i'm like anybody could have written two of these are written by real poets poets real poets who have written other poems, it depends on what your definition

of published is. That's kind of what I'm asking. Does the internet count? Sure. Do they have their own books of poetry? Probably not. I mean, what are you leaning towards, Anya? Which one Jeff wrote? Well, it's impossible to say because... It's impossible to say

because... Jeff versus actual poem is one thing, but Jeff versus something he read online. He's muddied the water. This isn't a true poetry or noetry, but it's the Jeff version. You guys get yours from the internet? No, we get award-winning poems.

Really? Tinkle, tinkle little. I do think he wrote the last one. Yeah, last one. Last one. Final answer. Last one. Last one. Final answer. Last one. Correct!

I wrote Omakase. You tried to steer us away from that. You were like, that one, the title makes sense and the stuff that's in it is also... Where did you get the first two?

The internet. Tinkle Tinkle Little Car? Yeah, I googled short poems got it and that was just the website that had that poem on it yeah right so the first one is tinkle tinkle little car by cecilia l goodbody and uh the second one is funny young fellow by graham lester the car wrote the first one yeah um i feel like we're not giving my poem enough credit though i know that it's like oh Jeff wrote that

but it's kind of good Omakase by Jeffrey James by the way it's not about it being good or not it's about we knew it was you I know but if it hit you viscerally in your archetypal center you maybe would have been like wow that brought me to tears no but it was like overwrought in a way that I knew

it was like a Jeff joke I mean even compared to other shitty poems, yours stood out. I was gonna say that the structure of it was there there. It wasn't. That the content was cohesive and the whole thing was wrapped in a tiny bow. There were a lot of buzzwords, though, that gave it

away. I used white space well. No, you didn't. I did use white space well. You're so obsessed with fish and joy and soy that it becomes like your identity. Do you understand that? That you're like a fish and soy guy. You're a fishmonger. You're a fucking fisherman.

Honestly, guessing that was like fish in a barrel. Are you fucking proud of yourself? That's your legacy? Like that we hear trout and we know it's you? Like the fish glands? And we're like, yep, that one's Jack. He loves that shit. It's your personality is to be a fishmonger.

It's crazy to have a comedy style that's just the word joy. Yeah. I think comedy is kind of healing. I really do think that the world needs a little more joy. And I don't know. Sue me if that's a bad question. Let's hear. Omakase by Jeffrey James.

Do not make haste. Its breast is dressed. Displace horseradishy waste. No need for more zest. Listening to it now, it's like obviously. Horseradishy is the worst adjective ever. Horse radish-y. You couldn't get it out clean either time. Let's hear

you say that word once. Of course it's not a word. I almost was like, well this one isn't you because you had trouble reading it. But then I realized the word doesn't exist. Horse radish-y. Horse radish-y. Some simply taste and seek to impress

while others disgrace and don't trust the chef. Yeah. The trust means trust the chef. Don't dunk Toro in soy. Omikase means trust the chef. Don't dunk Toro in soy.

Ditch chopsticks for hands. So you're just explaining how to eat sushi. What's that? You want to say, just pick up the fish with your hands? With nigiri, you're supposed to use your hands and dip it fish side down. See, this poem is for

fuckers like him. Nice. We have to take another break before we get to the last two lines. Oh my god. Dreadbins! Dreadbins! Drink Sapporo with joy And let fish guide your glands Were you planting those so that we would get it right?

Or is that just kind of all you can come up with? That's what I was going to say Can you not help yourself? I did it last and I thought that you, but I was like, let me make it about rice and fish, but let me try and make it as good as I can. So I was like, oh, let me make it about something. That's as good as you can?

Well, I did it in like 15 minutes. But it's like, it's about omakase. It has a whole moral to the story, which is like, can we dissect it? I wouldn't call it a moral. The breast is dressed. I think you should do it. It's not breast.

Let her interrupt you. It'll be worth it. It's not breast. Well, okay. True. Okay. Yeah. But when you go to omakase,

dining experience or otherwise, the fish is already dressed. It already has the sauce that's supposed to be on it. That's not the part that I'm saying was wrong. I know you're not saying it's wrong. I'm saying it's really good. Oh, I see. Right?

I'm saying basically that the poem's about omakase. So the first two lines are, do not make haste. The breast is dressed, meaning the sauce is on the fish. You don't need to dunk it in soy. Displace horseradish you wish. Stop saying that word wrong. Also, it's not, where's the horseradish, you wish. Stop saying that word wrong. Also, it's not... Where's the horseradish in your sushi experience?

It's wasabi, but it's not horseradish. Yeah, it is. It's not. Really? It's not. It's called wasabi. It's literally wasabi. It's a different plant.

It's in the plant family of horseradish. Horseradish? I have horseradish. But diseradish? Horseradish. But displace wasabi. Don't add it on because it doesn't need more zest. It doesn't need more zest. Wasabi you can even say better than you can say horseradishy. Some simply taste and seek to impress.

Some people go to these places and they know exactly what they're doing. Right? And then others disgrace the chef by not trusting their ass. Right. Don't dunk toro in soy because it's definitely going to be dressed. And then others disgrace the chef by not trusting their ass. Right. Don't dunk Toro in soy because it's definitely going to be dressed. Ditch chopsticks for hands because Amir was, he didn't even know. With nigiri, you're supposed to use your hands and do fish side down. I didn't know that either.

Drink Sapporo with joy. Have a good time at the omakase. Yeah. And let the fish guide your glands. The worst thing I've ever heard. Guide your glam. Plugs. What do you guys have going on?

What do you want to point the people towards? Wow, it's over already. Yeah, it happens fast. It's a tight 45, yeah. That's great. Are you ever going to, you should do that at an open mic and see what actual poetry fans would,

what kind of feedback they'd have for you. Like a poetry open mic or like a stand-up open mic? Definitely poetry. Yeah. Not good enough for stand-up. Or like a band. I was going to say like a battle of the bands. Battle of the glands.

Yeah. Yeah. Plugs. Anya, what do you have going on? What do you want to point the people toward? Radio Free, obviously, Anya. do you have going on what do you want to point the people towards radio free obviously Anya yeah on Instagram which is kind of ironic though because you aren't free of radio

you host a radio show yeah it's if you google it it will come listen to Gaotix coming back video episodes full video on YouTube

March 27th submit to the Love Motel we really need love advice questions and they don't host an advice show anymore so you can just pivot and send those to lovemotelradio.com there's a submission form at the bottom

so if you're still confused about love there's a place to go we'd love to talk about your problems on the radio there's a submission form at the bottom. So if you're still confused about love, there's a place to go. Yeah. We'd love to talk about your problems on the radio, WGXC.org. On the radio. Mm-hmm. Uh, uh, uh, uh, on the radio.

It's a Donna Summer song, actually. It's kind of a deep cut. Thank you. It's a great song, but when he sings, you don't snap, because then it encourages him to sing more often. Jake? Jake? Yeah,

check out Amir and Amir's show. It's like Dragman. It's like Dragman. It's a little thought out. I want to hear your poems. I should go back and listen. Yeah, they're all up there. You guys should all go

to a poetry reading and see whose poem does better. I actually got Amir on the latest episode. I'd love to read Ha-oon to you and see what you think. Yeah. You're not going to sit here and tell me Ha-oon or whatever is better than Dragmans?

Really? Better than Dragmans just in general as a show? Or better than Omikase as a poem? Omikase as a poem, maybe. Yeah, you got him there. Amir? Do you want to plug your divorce lawyer damn I didn't realize you were getting a divorce

Avital's back on the market Daniel Goodman is guiding us through this whole crazy fucking morass unconscious uncoupling exactly irreconcilable differences yeah

you did the opposite of a prenup where you gave Avital a peaceful transfer of power from one to the other. It was a fleece treaty because you got fleeced in it. Nice. And it was incredible to go through that with her.

And Goodman. Goodman who guided our eye throughout the entire thing. You're a good man. And he is with Avital now, no? Yeah, I was gonna say he guided your hands. They're hooked up. They hooked up.

Sign the paper and also give him the ring. He's wearing the ring. Yeah. And he deserves it, so. I miss this. What happened? Basically, Amir got a divorce

and in the divorce papers you're also supposed to stay chased for 18 months. Yeah. Which shouldn't be an issue. Yeah, non-compete clause. Yeah. Where I'm not allowed to ejaculate.

It's a medieval garter clause. So basically, your loins are girded for the better part of a decade, I think. Anyway. It's called post-nuptial cheating, which I guess she can't do, but I can legally. But there was this weird live that you did. Live? Yeah, you were on IG. Yeah.

And you were like, check out my post-nup drip. Yeah. Post-nuptial drip. Yeah. And it was just your chastity belt. And you had put a Stussy sticker on the ass. With my whole Stussy. My Stussy-osy.

At Jeffrey James on Instagram patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff we're still doing Zardies over there Zoom parties so you can come hang out

with us for $20 a month and sorry I didn't talk over your plugs you did really yeah you basically commandeered it

yeah you turned it into a divorce lawyer joke and oh also I just got a Helix Midnight Luxe mattress from

Best Los Angeles Luxury Mattress Sales Stores Near Me dot com. What? That's the URL?

Best Los Angeles Luxury Mattress Sales Stores Near Me dot com. That's their URL? Yes,

they're on 21st in Wilshire in Santa Monica, California. You cannot be you cannot be doing ad deals on the side of the show. If you go, they'll give you a free pillow or two. Or two? It depends how well you negotiate with the guy. But he's very kind and he helped me out. Tell him to change the URL. Free delivery, I said.

No, you didn't. I meant to. Best Los Angeles luxury mattress sales stores near me dot com. We'll see you guys again next week. Thanks for listening to this episode of Drag Men's. Yeah, he sells Helix mattresses. He sells all kinds of mattresses. That was a Hiddem Original.