The Headgum Podcast - 197: Geoffrey O'Brien Needs a Fiend

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

Amir, Marika, Will, and Emma join the first episode of "Geoffrey O'Brien Needs a Fiend." A ripoff of Conan O'Brien's podcast wherein Geoff tries to get everyone to admit to formally hating him as a person.Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gum original Previously on the head gum podcast you basically have to say you have a British person Marika I yeah no I'm sorry I'm literally looking at a list of British people that I have on my phone and then I mean don't just chime in with like oh like you know you gotta get dust removal. You have to get all this stuff. Nobody cares about what you do with your yard. Your yard is a piece of shit.

I've seen it in person. It's flat. It's short. There's no real grass. Your front door is neon. I feel like Aaron Taylor Johnson could be an interesting one. All right. He's in Tenet. He's in Tenet.

He's in Kick Ass. He was Quicksilver in the MCU. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're recording. Right? No applause. Oh my god. Immediately. John DeSteers, hear this show. Off in bleer, you can't row.

Brand new stew, it's called G eat blue chew for your P I can tell that we are gonna be fiends yes I can tell that we are gonna be fiends Welcome to Jeffrey O'Brien Needs a Fiend. Oh, Conan. Like who? Nothing. You guys have heard the show. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Yeah. I've never listened.

Heard of it. Well, this is Jeffrey O'Brien Needs a Fiend. St. Patrick's Day was 48 hours ago. So I was thinking about Irishmen. I was thinking about Killian Murphy as the potential new Bond. And I thought, why not be Jeffrey O'Brien this week? Feel free to call me Jeffrey O'Brien. Got it. Got it or?

Copy that Mr. O'Brien. You said Jeffrey O'Brien a lot It's already coming to fruition which this episode is, you know, I get a lot of flack from you guys I don't often appreciate it Sometimes it makes for good content, sometimes it makes for a lot of awkward silences This, sorry, is something funny Will? Jeffrey O'Brien

Right? Does it fit? Does it work? If the shoe fits shoe fits we're gonna try it out this episode and I'm gonna see because a lot of people like to jump down my throat on this fucking show right let's make it official let's see if you guys can become official fiends of me yeah I mean on Yeah. Have you ever on Conan show? They're like, I'm blank and I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's

friend. So, Amir, why don't you start us out? I'm Amir Blumenfeld and I feel about being Jeffrey O'Brien's fiend. So much to remember. Did you get a haircut? No. Your hair looks so natural. Do you need me to kind of intro you again or do you not a haircut? No. Your hair looks so natural. Do you need me to kind of intro you again,

or do you not understand your sign? My name is Amir Blumenfeld, and I feel... Yeah, my name is Amir Blumenfeld, and I feel fine about being Jeffrey O'Brien's fiend. Really? You feel fine? Yeah, like I'm okay with it. What about fines? I was gonna say, Ray Fines, yeah.

You also don't strike me as an Irish person. Why? Is it because of the dark hair and skin? Yep. Really? We really got to the bottom of it fast. Yeah, you nailed it in one. There's dark-haired Englishmen. But not dark-skinned Englishmen. An Englishman or Irishman?

We got him. We absolutely got him, Marika. We also didn't talk about the lyrics of the intro song. I kind of spent a lot of time on that. John DeSkind, take a key. When was the last time there was a blue chew ad? That's a fresh show. Will, you're up next.

My name's Will Conover and I feel blank about being Jeffrey O'Brien's fiend. My name's Will Conover and I feel indifferent about being Jeffrey O'Brien's fiend. I got there. Indifference is worse than hate. Next to godliness. I don't think indifference is worse than hate. Next to godliness. I don't think indifference is next to godliness.

Are you sure that's it? Yeah, because God is sort of blase, blase, blase. That's really good. Yeah. Grrrah. What's that? Nothing, just like ad libs. I see. Emma?

Yeah. Emma? My name is Emma Foley and I feel happy about being Jeffrey O'Brien's kid. I feel like I need to beat the allegations that I have a bad attitude on this podcast. Not allegations, New Year's resolution. I have to beat my resolution. Marika? Yeah, I have to beat my resolutions. I, I have to beat my resolution.

We're having a time to listen to your entire backlog, so I'll say I feel happy today. My name is Marika Brownlee and I feel confused about being Jeffrey O'Brien's fiend. Yeah, fiend. Let's hear that theme song again. Listen to the lyrics this time. Okay. ["Fiend"] John De Stier's, hear this show. Off in bleer, you can throw.

Brand new stew, it's called G. Eat blue chew for your pee. I can tell that we are gonna be fiends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be fiends right I Couldn't understand like the second and third jaundiced ears. Yeah here this show. Okay, not that I knew got that What about the next off our entire audience has jaundice is what you're saying Yeah I knew it got that what about the next off and our entire audience as John does is what you're saying Yeah

But only in the ears okay, and then we in the oral cavity the next part is what I couldn't quite make often blear Somewhat damn mean mmm somewhat dim Next line you can throw what is that? It's like an arcade synonym for trust or believe. Often blear. Yeah. You can tro. Tro that. Believe that.

Tch. What's another way to say that sentence? Because I don't understand what it means. The show sucks and you can believe in that. Got it. Um. Brand new Stu. I can believe in that. Got it. Brand new stew.

It's called G. Got that one. Studio G. You're an H. Eat blue chew for your P. Why not for your D? Yeah. I hadn't thought of that one.

P is like a weird way to say penis, but D makes sense and also rhymes just as well. It's a little bit harder too. Yeah, it's a little more like adult in a way. Yeah. I can tell that we're gonna be fiends. And I don't even mean the lyrics at this point. I can tell that you and I don't get along with each other.

Emma, I heard that you had some kind of Chronicles this morning. I did have some kind of Chronicles this morning. What happened? I don't know. Well, I was going to the dentist, but then I realized I forgot my wallet at home, so I had to go back home and I needed to call them to move the appointment later, which they very kindly did. And so then I went and I'm kind of sick, so I'm sort of like under the weather anyway.

And then I had this tennis appointment, so my mouth really hurts. And then I'm on the train, and I kind of ripped my pants in the, like, classically embarrassing way. How did you rip your pants on a train? Um, well, I was bending over. And that's kind of the whole story there. Ha ha ha! But I just, like, what do you bend over to get on the subway did you drop your phone? No, I didn't drop anything I don't know why I was bending over

Maybe helping someone off the track maybe the time like yeah I was doing something noble and chivalrous, okay, which I was which I was not thankful for because a woman started berating me Well, this is I was trying to kind of get a view of this man Who was eating a baguette, taking like bites out of it. Giant, giant baguette. He's holding it almost like a horn up in the air. And so I'm trying to get a look at him and this woman

starts begins berating me. She was holding some kind of private protest. I think it was against it seemed to be against a lot of different groups. And then she started. It's sad she kept calling me ugly. It seemed to be against a lot of different groups. And then she started, it's so sad, she kept calling me ugly. She said she would kill herself if she looked like me. Oh my God.

Got it. Do you think New York has gotten weirder since the pandemic? 100%. In 2019, things were kind of crazy and crazy because it's New York. But do you think that sort of ratcheted up a bit? It's 10 times worse. I've never done this in terms of like picking your heart.

That was a really interesting question and answer. I know. And Jeffery's just staring at me and saying like. I've done this that much. I've done it but not this much. All right. To this degree especially. It feels like you've been like practicing gesticulation.

No. Because you were like, like I'll put it on the screen right here, but you were like moving your hand like a certain way Class and like getting people to respect you based on easily distract each that Baby like it was like a normal nice interesting conversation conversation was a you do you really talk about my hand? I don't know if I'm the one who derailed it. That's kind of the fundamental difference between you and me. I want to know who would teach the master class about hand gesticulations. David Blaine.

Barack Obama. Yeah. Blaine's good. I like Blaine. Yeah. No, I think Blaine would do close up magic, not fucking... He's not currently famous for it. Yeah. Blaine is a dark-skinned Englishman. So like, the fact that you said that doesn't exist

is kind of really offensive. You said that. You said that. I know what you were doing. I also don't know if David Blaine is English. I don't think he is. I don't think he is at all. But nobody was sure enough to refute it.

Still with the hands. Yeah, I could die with my hands, that's fine. I don't know. I mean. It's the theme. Will is sitting there, you can see him on the screen. Still with the hands Will is sitting there you can see him on the screen. Yeah, he has his leg crossed and he's just sitting there still Yeah, and you know what that means that there's a quiet confidence about con over there's a quiet con over about confidence That's sweet. Thank you guys for just moving right on from when I said the woman would kill herself if she looked like me. I didn't want to talk about it, so I'm glad no one refuted it, and I'm glad we moved on. We're gonna come back to it right about now.

You still don't know why you were bending over to look at something or get something in the sub-least interesting part of the story. I feel like that's the most interesting thing. I don't know. I think I put my bag down. I think it was when I was on the platform. I think I put my bag down by my feet. That makes sense, but it doesn't matter. It kind of matters, because that's a huge thing to have your pants rip. It's kind of humiliating. And when I'm on the subway, I walk down the stairs,

I get on the bus, and then I get on the fucking tracks. I don't end up bending a wall. I don't know what you're talking about. The trail, the trolleys. I don't end up bending With other people Stay here isolated separated I am ming, separated. I am, I will. Not mingling. You taint and poison like a drop in a pool. But I also paint with hoisin onto pork belly's drool.

Jesus. I don't know, like, gruel. What else, Emma? So what did they say at the doctor? Do you have cavities or? Well, she wants me to get my wisdom teeth out. She's out of the fun of getting the laughing gas, the fucking oxide.

I do like the laughing gas. So you've already had the laughing gas, but without the surgery. Oh I think you need to get knocked out too. Oh you get both? That's cool. I don't know. I mean I actually don't know, I've never done it before.

Cause I was told I didn't need it. But she has some different ideas. It's hard obviously because um Some people some camps rather Will say you got to get those molars removed Others will be like, you know, you're 29 whatever like you don't need that You don't even speaking from experience or I got my wisdom teeth out when I was 16 Hey me too. I feel like that's the timing. That's the time to do it from experience or? I got my wisdom teeth out when I was 16.

Hey, me too. I feel like that's the time, I mean, that's the time to do it. And my dentist told me the same thing, you'll never need it done. And then you needed it? I haven't gone to the dentist in a good amount of time. Let's see those gums. I've never done this, but we'll let's see those. No.

No, let's just see where the enamel meets the gums. Not interested in done this, but we'll let's see those. No Not interested in sharing a show maybe on a private call No See this is I know you're pissed, but this is better because you have just this going on Yeah, I Never had wisdom teeth you never grew them never had wisdom teeth. You never grew them? You never had them? Never had them. Whoa. I've won a few genetic lotteries in my day, but I'd say not having wisdom teeth was a joy unparalleled to most.

I kind of feel like it's modern leprosy to not have those, because then you're not part of this club where it's like, oh, what crazy thing did you say when you were coming off the... Laughing gas. Laughing gas. And that is represented physically even in the way that we're kind of set up here. There's like a whole party going on in New York. I'm behind the desk, which is closest to everyone else in the office. And you're kind of in this corner. And no one's in your club. And you're kinda in this corner. And no one's in.

And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in.

And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in.

And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. And no one's in. Anything else from your morning, Emma? No, I think that's pretty much all I've got to get off my chest.

Twill? Me? No, no, no. Twill, linen, wool. What were the pants? Because I feel like it's like some fabrics are a little bit more porous, a little easier to snap. Well, these are like stretchy, which just makes it double embarrassing.

So they're jeans I can't No, they're not gene okay. It'd be good if it'd be worst case scenario is it's denim It's not denim okay And it isn't twill or did you say it was twill is it is it a cotton polyester? Do you see that okay, so that I don't know what that is yeah? I think probably polyester blend Jeffrey O'Brien needs a feed fucking working so smile You can throw brand new stew it's called G, eat blue chew,

for your D, I can tell that we are gonna be fiends, yes I can tell that we are gonna be fiends. Will anything you want to get off your chest, sort of Emma style? I do feel like Emma's the only one enjoying the show, which I appreciate. Marika's not even trying. So I don't know if that's she hasn't been to PJ Clark's in a minute. She doesn't know what joy feels like, but this is what it is. Sorry, is the question for me or Marika?

And is the question, do I have anything to get off my chest or am I enjoying the show? Both. I just wondered if we could kind of bond over or con over the the song is growing on me I like it better Are you playing you're not playing the guitar are you is that ripped? No, it's ripped from YouTube Yeah, I think I feel the opposite way that will does where it's it's not growing on me at all It's shrinking on you. Yeah. I'm starting to hate it. Only going up, Jeff.

What's that? The song, my value to it. In the Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast, they kind of have a casual interview for most of the show. Yeah. Something got full. Yeah. Yeah. I heard the deep on my end and the zoom might be at capacity. You want a random thumb drive I have? No I need an SD. Oh no I mean I have an SD right here. Oh sure. Ready? Yep.

I'm a doctor. This show is sponsored by better hope. You know, if you had an extra hour in your day, a lot of people would spend that very differently than the one sitting next to them. Maybe person A would go for a run, person B would take a nap, and patient zero would read a book. The point is, a lot of us spend our time and our lives wishing we had more hours in the day. And the question is, what is that time for? And if time was unlimited, how would you use it?

The best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you and make it a priority thus. Therapy can help you find what matters to you so you can do more of it. I'm in therapy every week and I benefit from it personally as I pursue to better myself and be a better version of myself today than I was yesterday. Yesterday you said tomorrow, so just therapy. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge Learn to make time for what makes you happy with better help visit better help comm slash What's that today to get 10% off your first month again? That's better help Helped calm slash. What's that? Thanks better help There we go On the Conan podcast they have these like casual interviews

that make up the bulk of the podcast, right? With celebrities, et cetera, but there's two issues, right? I don't have the people skills to have a normal conversation and y'all aren't famous, right? So people aren't super interested in your actual personal lives. So what we're gonna do is instead of having a casual interview, we're gonna have a hostile interview.

It feels like you backed into the rationale because you wanted to have a hostile interview anyway. Why don't you talk slash smile more? Who is that to? That's to Amir. I do talk a lot. And you smile kind of. He does smile a lot.

Yeah. You gesticulate more than you smile. I'm also kind of famous. You said I wasn't famous, but I am In circles, yeah That's what fame is to be known in I mean like I'm here Like what's the name of the guy from Glee?

Which guy? Which guy? Exactly. So like some people know the Glee cast. Kevin McHale. Kurt something or other? Ford Overslee. Kevin McHale like the basketball player.

No, like Artie. The guy in the wheelchair. See this is my point, like yeah some people know you. Yeah. But a lot of people don't know other things. You gotta know if you know ya. Emma when are you gonna get married? Oh my gosh. I have a list of rude questions to ask so I'm asking them to create a hostile environment. Got it. I don't know, Jeff. Okay. Will, what's your cholesterol? Jeez. Will, is that your real hair? Yeah.

Okay. Will, why are you still single? I got two in a row, and I'm not. Holy shit, I'm so sorry I didn't ask. Yeah. I have a wonderful supportive girlfriend named Natalie. Kings County. Sorry?

Brooklyn. Let's talk about dating in Kings County is what I said. I'm not dating, we're in a long distance relationship. She's in Cook County. Oh. And it is. It is Marika. There's no way. What's Cook's County? is. And it is. And it is.

There's no way. What's Cook's County? Where is that, Chicago? Cook County is Chicago, yeah. Yeah. Why long distance? Good question. Because you can't handle the heat of in person?

Or is it the Zoom fatigue? Those are the only two options. Zoom fatigue isn't the reason for the longest of it. No. Jeffrey O'Brien needs a fan. Oh. This is a segment that they do on the Conan Podcast where they have fans call in. We don't have the capabilities to, we barely have the capabilities to fucking record without

running out of space on all these districts. We definitely have the capabilities to do call in shows. of space on all these distraughts. We do call-in shows. There's a call-in show on our very own. So instead of that, we are going to, I tweeted last night. I said, we're doing a special episode of the Headgun Podcast tomorrow. Why'd you put the question in quotes?

It was kind of a confusion. So you saw the tweet. Yeah, I saw the tweet. And did you respond? We also saw the tweet. No. It didn't feel like it was for us, right? Here we go. I was like tell us why you think it you like this show or something

Why did you put that part in quotes? I said doing a special episode of the headgun podcast tomorrow reply to this tweet with the reason you listened to the show Wanted to get a good mix of earnest and not and I figured that that gave some mystery. The last that I checked none of it was earnest. I kind of yeah I would have appreciated at least a couple of earnest ones. Well you put the whole thing in sarcastic quotation. Johnny responded he said to hear my own voice. Yeah I liked Johnny's response. Tyler McCarthy says Amir made that y'all ready for fish joke once.

That was fun, I guess. Yeah, that's a lot. I think about that joke a lot, to be honest. Oh really? J.K. Kagate said, Ear bursting metal clangs that wake me from horrific night terrors. Druthers, Marika or otherwise, to see who's been cast as the next bond.

Pension for grant. He wants to be uninterrupted. He wants to just. We, we haven't even brought up the elephant in the room. Which is what? Today on the internet, it was announced that Aaron Taylor Johnson is about to sign his contract to play the next Bond. And if we all remember, that was my very first Bond of the Week pick. Wow.

Mariko won the game out in real time. Why do you think they want Aaron Taylor Johnson as Bond? Is it because he dated, is married to someone who's like 40 years older than him? That's kind of Bond. That's not why, no. He's married to someone 40 years older than him? Yeah, he was groomed, we don't have to talk about it. Wait, how old is he?

British hunk. He's 43. And he's married to a 73 year old? He's not. He was groomed. We have to talk about it. Wait, how old is he? British 73 year old True why look at him. He looks like she's okay. This is terrible Yeah, and they've been married for 13 years Yes, it's it's really bad. So he was 20 and she was 45 and they got married and they're still together Yeah, yeah. They have children.

They have kids. We have to talk about it. That's kind of cool actually. You're trying so hard to move on from this. It would be the other way around and everyone would say that's hotter, that's cool and suddenly the women is older and then we're like, oh my God, I can't believe it.

No, that has to stop now. We have to normalize the abnormal ization. Sounds like me. I was going to say you sound. Yeah, you that's promo for the new and how do you hear this show? Jeffery. Bullying on. You're laughing. miles is Jeff lore deep dives and me. But rounds out J.K.

Katagaze, Katate, Kagate's list of reasons for listening to the show. There was like a very natural conversation happening and it felt like it was. Yeah. And you brought us back to just reading a list. It feels like with a multi-year buildup to the Bond thing, that was a pretty anti-climatic. He hasn't inked the deal. The second the pen touches the page, I will host a fucking party.

And guess what else? Hell yeah. The 200th episode is coming up, fast approaching, and how awesome. I don't interrupt you guys. People think I do. You always want us to interrupt you. Overlapping dialogue.

Overlapping dialogue. Overlapping dialogue. That's the same thing. Continue. Interrupting is overlapping dialogue. Because you cut me off and my fucking winners. You also do interrupt us. It's not just overlapping dialogue. Really? It's also interrupting. I'm really starting to feel a fiend. You also do interrupt us. It's not just overlapping dialogue.

Really? It's also interrupting, yeah. Yeah. Okay, next time. I was taking my winner's lap and you fucking just went right back to reading a tweet like it was nothing. Say it with me now.

Overlapping dialogue. That was a reply tweet. so that's why he listens to the show a lot of people say to see niche internet history as it unfolds aka my ass have you guys ever had your ass unfold do you keep that up the nude it's on yeah it's on Twitter. Still up. Or sorry, X. But I was thinking about deleting my Twitter the other day. Because you don't use it or?

My Twitter timeline has a lot of violence on it. It's a lot of street fights that I don't wanna see. Like I don't follow anyone who does that, but the new algorithm just shoves really sad stuff in my eyes. I think it's based on watch time, so you must be engaging with it in some way. I don't think it is based on watch time.

It absolutely is, because mine for you is nothing like that. Mine's actually really good, to be honest. Jeff only follows bum fights. So that's what it's showing you. And that's the You Follow tab. It's not even the four you suggested. And that's the you follow tab. It's not even the four you suggested.

Engaging segments that always leave room for the guests to be themselves while also having a witty host to back up their banter. I really... The opposite. I appreciate that. That one's from your local chatter, Rocky. The boring car guy says, it's the cold icy stairs for me. I thought you were calling one of us the boring car guy says it's the cold icy stairs for me I thought you were calling one of

us the boring car I mean can we be honest about something sure there's a Okay. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] The first Canker Sore award goes to Will. Oh. I did not see that coming. That's an upset. Yeah. Why is he a Canker Sore? It's an indescribable award, but it's a new kind of fixture of the show

that I've been meaning to beta test, which is to say that every episode does have someone who has canker sore energy. And is it like a thorn in the side? Is it like a painful annoyance? It's a lesion in the side. Yeah. It's a herpes virus return which is like a Saturn

A little more canker that's a cold sore It's a canker sore is not a virus. It's just like it's like a bit In a way, yeah, is it the cold sore award or is it still the canker short? I think it's the cold sore award sponsored by the cold And there's gonna be a video intro made by Sora mm-hmm yeah, or that's awesome I thought of a funny sentence like that the other day it was Oh, that's good. Thank you All right moving on to our kind of last segment here

kind of so many replies and You want more you guys are not seeming happy about I'm just I'm just looking at all of them You read you some then nobody fucking aids me Let's see Stephen Joseph Fleck says the designed chaos the less in sync everyone seems the better the episode The more plans that seemingly go awry the better the episode Well, it's a good reason to this tweet from Dixon cider, which is Do you know that those monks that spend years in the Tibetan Mountains getting kicked in the balls so that they can no longer Feel the pain

Listening to the head gum podcast for the capacity years has trained my ears to be able to withstand that pain Withstand that The team cocoa podcast studios in Larchmont in Los Angeles Oh kind of a wealthier area than Silver Lake, should we say? Yeah, it's kind of like the West Village versus Williamsburg. Yeah. And in terms of the New York office, Union Square versus. Where we were in Williamsburg.

Oh, OK. So you're saying that the New York office kind of has that Larchmont energy and the Silver Lake offices. To put it into Amir's words in the slums? No, it's more of like the East side artist friendly district of town. Artist friendly because some of the podcast advertising deals here are like, you have. Don't think that's true. It's the opposite of what. Really? Yeah.

To close out the podcast, conversations on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, largely unrelated to the preceding interview, are featured with O'Brien, Moffsesian, and Gorely discussing topics including minor workplace squabbles, the success of the podcast, O'Brien's idiosyncrasies, and listeners' messages. Sorry, imagine us talking about the success of the podcast. Oh my god.

It's been amazing to watch the rise of the show. I mean, when was the peak now? PEEK! PEEK! When was the peak now? When was the peak? Like our peak was like episode, I'm gonna go 120. No, it was earlier than that. I think it was 87. What did we do for the 100th episode? We had- That was?

Yeah, take it away, Mariko. No, no, no. No, I'm just kidding. Petulant. You suck, man. That was... Yeah, take it away, Marika. Petulant. You suck, man. You fucking suck. There's just an ad playing on the screen behind Jeff. Like, a digital ad on his soundboard. It's hard.

I can't even be bothered to move his soundboard off of my face. What's it for? Oh, that's Marika? to move his soundboard off of my face. What's it for? Oh, that's Marika? Yeah. Yeah. The peak was the Gramercy Theater. That's why we needed another live show. It's hard to maintain and sustain.

Even the biggest shows can't grow forever. I mean, didn't Smartless like have broker some deal for like a hundred million dollars? Yeah, I think more. So it's like that's... But there are three very famous funny people. Yeah, and what are you? You're one. Not famous.

But also kind of funny guy. That's worse than you just saying not funny. Because then it's like, oh, you just said... That's your honest opinion and it's not even that funny. That was a compliment. No, it's not. It just saying not funny. It's really sweet. That's your honest opinion. That was a compliment. No it's not. It's a backhanded. Not really. Milk toast. Take what you can get, man.

I don't want to take what I can get. I want to have what I deserve. Which is beans. Which is a hundred million dollars. Which is beans. I don't even need nine figures, by the way. I'll take seven. Yeah, you'll take a million for sure I'll take a million a million a million a million six million a million a million a million a million

At Jeffrey James on Instagram at patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff. So you just told us Are you trying to leave? I'm trying to do plugs. You just told us a segment on Conan's podcast Well, we know well we ran out of time, right? It's been fucking 46 minutes. Nobody wants to hear more of this. How much of that was your phone call? The phone call's gotta be like 18 minutes of that. Right? So you want to do the chill chumps portion?

Let's talk about it. It's already noon. I don't want to take up another fucking ounce of Will's time. Is this $199? This is $197. Okay. Never mind then. Wow. Which I need to talk to Anya before I leave today about the 200th episode. You sure do.

This is $199 and $200 is $7. No, this is $197. I have a great idea for the 200th episode and nobody's trying to help me get it done. We have. No. We absolutely have. No, we've talked about it. It's like the live show. It's like oh, let's talk about it Let's talk about it. Talk about it on the calendar move the fucking goal post down and down and down

No, it's on the first of all I use the planner now second of all it's on the calendar. It's planned, but nobody's confirmed What do you? Know you don't you can't Really? I'm gonna bleep all this but yeah Yeah, yeah really half of Yeah. Yeah. Really? Half of it.

And we have been talking about it. We... So don't even start with me. Egg drop soup on my face. Salting hot egg drop soup on my face. Yeah. Scalding hot egg drop soup on my eye. You ordering at a Chinese restaurant? Um, okay. So not a bowl.

Not a bowl. Not a bowl. Not a bowl that I go out there and die for. We talking about face. We're talking about egg drop soup on my face Drop and I think I've made several themes Yeah, this episode was a classic B

Do you think well, it was a baby not your client, but can we get a best fiend sponsor for this episode? Well, I know it's probably not your client, but can we get a best fiend sponsorship for this episode? No, probably not. Probably not. Do you guys have any minor workplace squabbles you wanted to talk about? Maybe the success of this podcast? It's just like what is what are their conversations like talking about the success of their podcast? It's Conan O'Brien. I think it's Conan being like, I'm shocked that I translated TV success into podcast success.

It's so awesome. I don't have to like do all this stuff. Shut up, Conan. Well, you're mad at Jeff. I'm not really like O'Brien. I feel like we did cover some Jeff idiosyncrasies. So I feel like at the very least. I'm not really a fan of the Welcome, audience. Oh. It's not drama, but a question for you, Emma. Do you know why there's two liters of soda in the fridge? We were curious about that.

Oh, yeah. That was, Joel brought that in. That was leftover from his party that he didn't invite me to until day of. That he couldn't bring yogurt to. Joel has been using the, this is good drama, Jeff. Yeah, I heard about Joel's house cooling party that not everybody is invited to. But he also, he just left three quarts of yogurt in our fridge.

Yogurt or kefir? Yogurt. Stony Brook. Yeah, what they said. Yeah. I just sometimes people get shy about specifics. And we were like, whose yogurt is this? And he was offended.

Anyone asked? Well, it's a little personal to be like, what are you having for lunch? It's like kind of judging what people bring in their lunch pail because not everybody. We weren't thinking he was eating three quarts of yogurt for lunch. Unflavored or vanilla bean? Unflavored, of course. The other piece of East Coast drama is that recently Ryan sent a package that got stolen and it was a bunch of Girl Scout cookies

so it was really sad. And then he told me that he was sending another package and that I needed to keep my eye out for it. It was really important. I thought he lived in the Hamptons. Yeah, but he, you know, he's like being nice. He lived on Long Island, yeah. He sent us to- East, South, West.

Oh my god, how are we starting over? Amigansett. The episode was ending and now we're like, how the fuck are we beginning? I really wonder if it's Amigansett. Doesn't matter. Hampton Bagers. Fire Island for Chambers. We have to end this. Let's go with Fire Island. BAY-ZERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR One 97 is a two parter. We should have a pancake luncheon. Okay. Why lunch? Okay.

Why lunch? I didn't say lunch. I said lunch in. You said lunch in? Lunch in. That implies lunch time. I said LinkedIn. Um, I don't know cuz nobody wants to get here before like 10. People were here when you got here. Yes, which is 10.45. Yes, we're doing a45. Yes, not quite like the time. 8.30 every morning. I really think that in terms of what I wanted this episode to be, we got there.

We're all fiends, right? We're all fiends. We're all enemies and foes. Fucking, Amir's gesticulation took kind of a sleep down curve as soon as I pointed it out. He's doing prop work now. I'd rather prop work than what he was doing before, I have to say.

Emma? What? Ed's right there. That was a Headgum Original.