The Headgum Podcast - 2: Quarantine Celeb Draft

Episode Date: May 22, 2020

Jake, Amir, Reilly, and Geoff draft their "celeb quarantine house," argue about sushi, and razz Amir for his eclectic wall art. Plus, Geoff's computer dies in the middle of the record!Shoutout to All Fantasy Everything who actually do weekly drafts about anything from romcoms to Disney songs to old people who could kick their ass. If you liked the idea of our mini-draft, check them out wherever you listen to pods!Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to the HeadGum Podcast. This is the second episode, right, Jake? Yes, we're dropping a deuce. Nice. What's that? We're taking a number two in your feed. That's what's up.

This pod is shit. I don't know if we want to characterize the show as shit. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't want to. I just, yeah. Is everything okay at home? Are you guys okay? Yeah, well, you guys, I'm fine.

I'm living alone at the moment, which is fine, which is good, which is for the best. Is it temporary or? No, I got served a surprise and a divorce. What was the surprise? Yeah, you said a surprise and a divorce. The divorce was the surprise. But I shouldn't have been surprised. So you got served a surprise and a divorce,

but the divorce wasn't a surprise. So what was the surprise? I'm trying to make light of a bad situation. You also texted me saying you were served a subpoena. Yes, I was served a subpoena. Stop being served. You're served more than a lot of people I know. I've gotten served right i've been served

you've been served yeah is there a way to do a contactless serve because the whole thing in law is that someone has to physically hand it to you and you have to take it it's sort of like an old medieval thing a medieval law well because they had so many courthouses back then there was due process for sure like king arthur's court yeah charlemagne gave everybody a fair chance catching nights amir you haven't said anything man yeah i did what is up i did the part where i was like you get served a lot and then i told jake that he said he got surprised and divorced but it wasn't a surprise that was me yeah no but like the three of us are like joyful and like on one and you're kind of like this brooding and i don't have any excuse to be joyful because i'm a divorcee yeah at the moment like i am jake got

served what's your excuse i got served i'm separated and what's why are you low energy jeb i'm not i'm just waiting i'm waiting for the show to start i don't know i'm i'm eager i'm eager to chime in the show has started right now everyone if you're listening at home stand stand the fuck up if you're if you're sitting down stand up wait a second riley you don't want people to be comfortable while they're listening to the show i want people to get pumped i want them to be do 10 jumping jumping jacks. What? Just do it. What does that say on your shirt? It says rock the house, bene mitzvah

services. Are you a DJ? 10 jumping jacks and hey ho, hey ho. That's cool. I see how you got the job. That's really good. Now it's begun, right? Now we're moving. I'm drinking a Nika from the barrel, which is a 50 proof Japanese whiskey.

Wow. It's still very light out over there. That seems like a nighttime drink now. It's 6 p.m. Jeff just waits for the clock to hit anything past five. My therapist is a bartender. So and I don't mean that in like, oh, that's her second job. Like she is a bartender.

And like I go to her for advice, sage or otherwise. And she pours me whiskey sours, fucking, you know, Brooklyn lager on draft. And I just kind of wail in a dive. Have you had any breakthroughs? I had break ins because I was so drunk that I didn't lock the door. Yeah. Is the therapy helping you at all or is it sort of just like aiding and abetting this downward spiral and causing you to need to break i see your

door is kicked in yeah you clearly kicked in your door i can't install and i don't have a door so i put this plastic up but with a zipper and then the fucking robber came back and he unzipped it's like you can't lock a zipper also yeah is it progress i mean she's draining my bank account which is fine because i am getting a product but she's also draining my bill of rubin sorry what product what product are you getting oh just uh the alcohol the alcohol the escape yeah but draining your bank account for my banking because i'm paying all this money for the for the drinks to get to a place where i can talk about my emotions and then she's also draining my bilirubin so i have jaundice i don't have any liver bile your therapist is killing you and

it seems like it's just a bartender slash robber that's breaking into your house neither a bartender nor a therapist also you're drinking at home you're not doing any of the things that you said you were doing and i thought I had it bad. Take that, Jill, wherever you are. Yeah, you don't know where she is. Yeah, Jake's handling it real well. It's inspiring to see. I'm strong as hell. How are you, Riley? I'm great. I'm good

and sad, you know? That's just how it is. Good and sad. My sister and my nephew left yesterday, so Daniel and I are empty nesters now. Where did they go? They went back. They live in Maine.

And so she came out here to visit like right before this all went down. And so then they got kind of stuck here for two months, which was like an awesome time. But then like we simply have to go home. Are they driving? They flew. Oh, I dropped them off at LAX yesterday. And the wildest thing happened first of all the streets of lax it's like a ghost town there was no one there that's crazy

i fucking it was really jarring to see lax sometimes will take like two hours yeah like i've been to lax like where i got off the exit where it's like five minutes away and it takes an hour yeah that is yeah truly insane i missed a flight that way once yeah so it was fully open and i'm you know idling at the curb and my sister's like can you watch you can't idle ocean for a little bit i'm gonna go check that sorry or i meant yeah i'm just saying like i mean there was no one there right that's a pass through lane you don't even have to keep this part in just there's nobody fucking why say it we're not gonna keep it in also why do you care about the airport rules she said it was deserted she said it was a ghost town let's keep it let's keep it moving lady that's all i meant if you're gonna say

something if you're gonna say something and say don't keep this in then just don't say it just for future just for riley to know don't keep this keep it moving lady all right finish the story so your note to me is keep it moving let's just keep it moving please can you not thank you i'm just saying what they would say to me all right you can you're a piece of shit so you do idle wait you just said what they'd say to you so you do well i what i did was take a power nap there but i turn my car off so it's not idling that's parking it's quiet it's parking yeah yeah i wake up it's part i wake up and there's eight SWAT team members because they think you're a terrorist yeah yeah laser sight pointing at my forehead they don and there's eight SWAT team members. Because they think you're a terrorist. Yeah, laser sight.

There's not a rule against idling because they think it's too loud. It's bad for the economy. It's bad for the environment. It's bad for the elephants. It's good for the economy because then you need to get gas. I was just saying the butterfly effect affects all of us equally, whether it's like something happening at LAX or something happening halfway across the universe what's the point of the story i feel like we got derailed what's the point of this you can't derail a story for 10 minutes and then ask what the point is

keep it moving keep it moving i'll keep it moving lady so i'm sitting in the car with ocean and suddenly like this this woman comes out of the doors and she looks frantic and she's holding like a dog cone, like a medical cone and a leash and a collar. And no dog. And I look out in the road and her dog has no collar and is just standing in the middle of the road. And they're both kind of like, what are we going to do? And she tries to go for it. And the dog just like and just like zooms and is now running all along the streets. And thank God there was like barely anyone there.

Oh, my God. And then I hear the woman just yell, his name is Vinny. And so then everyone around the JetBlue terminal is just going, come here, Vinny, come here, Vinny, Vinny, come here, Vinny, Vinny. First of all, Amir is parked at Terminal 7, and he does have a bomb this time. Yeah, Tom Bradley International. I want to make the biggest boom there is. I want to be famous.

Don't say that. Yeah, I want it to be infamous. So I don't know what happened to Vinny. I didn't see him. I left before I found out what happened. So that's how I'm doing he's definitely dead Amir what is that art over your left shoulder

called the bridge to nowhere no no no the one on your other shoulder this thing does it say you're a chair the pornographic one that's the one that he was talking about it's a prop I stole from SNL it's like a different sex maneuver and that one's called you're a chair now

i didn't expect this woman sitting on a guy's face yeah but like in bathroom that's right the man is a toilet of sorts and she's a chair now why the now just so you know that the sex is happening at the time of naming it. So Riley and Jake, you're both in closets, right? Yes, I am in a closet. I'm half in a closet. It's your office. Yes, I've configured my closet to be an office.

So it's sort of an L-shaped desk. That's cool. As it were. Nice. Is that why? Thank you. Is that why what? Is that why?

Is that why what? Did she leave because you're in the closet. I think we're all thinking it. Like, is it? Does it mean anything? No one was thinking that. No one was thinking that. I'm glad that I paused and let you express your bigoted comment.

Your homophobic slur towards me. She didn't sign up for that. Hashtag Amir is canceled party. I'm not saying that it's that. I'm just saying that. Amir Blumen that is over party yeah you can see why a woman wouldn't want to be with amir bluenfeld never was party all right you can't be canceled if you were nothing before we just talked about the art over your shoulder being

a sex position where it's where that it's called You're a Chair Now. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, if you had an extra hour in your day, a lot of people would spend that very differently than the one sitting next to them. Maybe person A would go for a run, person B would take a nap, and patient zero would read a book. The point is, a lot of us spend our time and our lives wishing we had more hours in the day. And the question is, what is that time for?

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There's such thing as a sun shower. So even though Corona has been perfect and COVID has been a joy, what's one thing, if you can think of it, that you would improve upon this time? That's really hard. Yeah. That's really hard.

So like when this is over, God forbid, but it does, all good things must come to an end. So when it's over, what is, no, don't say that.

I know. I know it sucks, but when it's over, what's one thing that you'll do? I guess, since we don't get to, I don't want to think about that. That's like really upsetting.

Sometimes I get excited. Like the flu's never over. The cold's never over cancer and aids are still here like maybe it'll never go away i know i don't want to get ahead of myself that's kind of exciting don't jinx it plan like that though you know what i mean like jinx it because then you'll be disappointed when it doesn't happen i know yeah yeah it's just even with a vaccine we like still have a flu season that kills tens of thousands like what if covid is here forever i don't know i get kind of excited and sexy thinking about that kind of shit you get sexy sexy just like imagine like oh every winter

we all go into hibernating and it's like a cozy little thing and 250 000 people die every year until our loved ones are gone i don't know does anyone else get horny and bothered by that thought i don't know that's like kind of naughty what it that not bae? What? It's like a zaddy idea. What do you mean a zaddy idea? Like imagine a guy who's like a silver fox telling you that even in five years, if we have a vaccine, this thing will just rule our lives until we're all gone. I don't know. That's kind of hot to think if it's Brett Favre breaking that news. Wait, why Brett Favre?

Because he's a zaddy dude, dude. I'm the dude. Do you think that the definition of zaddy is Brett Favre? Is Brett Favre. Yeah, I think Brett Favre is the poster boy of zaddy. I feel like most people think it's Jeff Goldblum or someone. At least hot. I'll find out who people think it is right now because I'm going to just Google image search Zaddy.

I think Favre is hotter than Jeff Goldblum. Don Draper. Don Draper comes up. So does Idris Elba. Right. Idris. Hot air balloon ride is my answer to the question. I want to be in a basket.

When quarantine is over, what's a new thing what's something that you've recently wanted to add to your post-quarantine fuck it list you could do that i feel like yeah hot air balloon is one of the safest things you could do it's so socially distant yeah it's not going far away no because you're in a basket with like three or four people one of them's an operator. You don't know the guy. You don't know what his fucking, maybe his second job as a nurse. That's like the one variable.

But like you could go to a hot air on a hot air balloon ride with a couple of close friends who, you know, have been like being safe. Fine. I might do that. I fucking might do that. I'm just trying to let's just have a good time about sex party. Keep the joy. Sex party. Let's just have a good time about shit. Sex party.

Keep the joy alive. A sex party. Keep the joy alive. An underground sex party where people are just going around in masks. Jesus Christ. Sucking and fucking, I guess. You're my chair now. What?

People coming around and saying you're a chair now. You're a chair now. Yeah, whatever. I don't know. You've been visiting glory holes while you've been in quarantine, too. That's right, but the well has run dry i i see so what i'll do is you'll stay you'll stand in a glory hole flaccid for hours or i'll 76 on glendale i'll fix my mouth around a hole in a fucking pork body pray to god and wait

wait for a rain I know is not coming. Can you imagine walking home after kneeling next to a glory hole for 12 hours not having seen a single cop. Not having had. What a sad day. A walk of forever shame. It never

goes away. Kicking a stone on the way home. It's a walk of to blame. I know every day feels boring but mine was extra sad today. Jake bucket list. I keep on I've been fantasizing about going to Europe. I just want to I want to go abroad. Two years ago I went with my

friends Kevin and James. Kevin James? I went with my friends. I went with both my friends Kevin James. You were like trying to name drop Paul Blart in a way that like hopefully people misunderstood you. I want people to know that I went with both my friends Kevin James. You were like trying to name drop Paul Blart in a way that like hopefully people misunderstood you. I want people to know that you went with two non-famous friends.

One named Kevin, one named James. Continue. No, but tell the story as if you did go with Kevin James. Kevin Bacon and James McAvoy. So we land at the customs thing and they're like, we don't even need to know the reason for your visit all right you're kevin james uh and so we suddenly we're in isla we're tasting scotches

and we it's all in the house because we're kevin james because we are kevin and james we are kevin james i'm kevin's james kevin federal james uses the royal we. And James Blake. But it is, like, the Highlands of Scotland is the most beautiful place I've ever been. And I think you'd like it a lot, Jake. And Islay specifically because it's this remote island where the only thing people who live there are Scotch distillers. Oh, hell yeah. That sounds great. We stayed in a storm pod.

Nice. Okay. I'm going to go visit a storm pod. I have a segment idea. It's called called when was the last time you had sushi uh ferris cut this but yeah let's do it but ferris no that's a really good one i think it's a cool idea but what so why doesn't ferris keep this in but maybe jeff why don't you suggest it so just be like here's an idea when's the last time you had uh well so we'll just take it we'll have like a pregnant pause here for ferris to be able to cut but maybe Jeff, why don't you suggest it? So just be like, here's an idea. When's the last time you had, uh, well,

so we'll just take it. We'll have like a pregnant pause here for Ferris to be able to cut out a mirror generating the idea. Here we go. Uh, one time, no thoughts. Um, so when was the last time you had sushi?

Sorry. Ferris cut that off for sure. That one was worse than the first one. All right, here we go. Nobody say anything, especially a mirror. Actually,

Jake and Riley, feel free to chat. Let's just give a pause first. Yeah. Let's give a pause. And say anything, especially Amir. Actually, Jake and Riley, feel free to chat. No, let's just give a pause first. Yeah, let's give a pause and then we'll say, oh, Riley, how about we, just so we can make it seem like a triple,

shut up, let's make it seem like a triple thing. Like, we're all like, Jeff, do you have any ideas? And then Riley says, yeah, Jeff, what's your next segment?

Sorry, we should actually shut the fuck up, though. Actually shut the fuck up. You can come up with a segment, but I'll be like, I remember I had. No, but actually, Amir, you have to shut the fuck up.

Actually shut the fuck up. You should shut the fuck up, actually. You're talking so much that no ferris might not be able to cut that out because it was so like fucking much all right oh scotland has a good sushi right dude dude jeff do you have any segment ideas oh jeff i bet you have a great idea actually actually though like it's not a joke i didn't even I was just I was just helping Jeff guide the idea do you have any segment ideas just cut Amir's track

cut Amir's mic when was when was the last time you guys had sushi I love that right I love that as a segment

that's such a good segment that's so fun for me it was Tuesday wow months ago I had sushi I had sushi on Tuesday as well no wait maybe it was Sunday

or Saturday you guys didn't go to the same place. It couldn't have been the same place. Jake, where'd you get yours from? Sugarfish. So it could have been. I went to Sugarfish, but it was the one on the Lower East Side. I went to the one on East 20th.

That was the one I went to, actually. How did you pick up the sushi or did you have somebody deliver it? I picked it up. There is no traffic at all. I got from my place in Williamsburg to the flat iron area in less than 15 minutes wow whoa there was not a soul there it was a ghost town and i just walked into sugar fish they handed me a bag of sushi and i left it was incredible did they have like the nice box where it told you everything and how to prepare and feed yourself? Yes.

I got the Trust Me, Nazawa, and You Should Trust Me. It was wah-wah. It was piss. Where did you get your sushi? I got mine from, there's this new thing that Katsuya is doing called Crispy Rice. So it's a pared-down menu, and it's cheaper, and it comes faster. I read a tweet specifically about this,

saying that it was awful, and that the Yelp reviews corroborated his awful story. And then all the tweets in response to that said, yes, I made the same mistake. Don't get crispy rice. It's awful. So was it really bad? Well, I do thank you for following me on Twitter.

It was horrible. No, it was good. I don't know why people are saying that. I mean, it's not as good as the... What did you get? Me? Yeah, obviously. A can of albacore.

No, I'm here. Ginger on the side of a soup that was miso. And guess what I drank? A hat. The soup. What? Why? I didn't get crispy rice

alright because the delivery guy couldn't find my door so don't say you had sushi on Tuesday don't say you had miso soup and definitely don't say you drank a hat cause my door is a zipper now I thought it was fine it wasn't great but it hit the

it hit my it hit whatever spot I was trying to itch. What do you guys call your genitals? Anyway, I have a segment. Ballpark dog? Sorry, Jake, ballpark dog? Yeah, I call it ballpark dog. The ballpark dog and the donut holes. Nice. You're going to fucking tell me nice?

You're going to fucking say nice to me like I went too far? You introduced this segment. Mine's a dodger dog because nobody wants to. Go near it. It's kind of like, oh, get out of the way. Yeah. It's called Dodger dog because it's canceled until 2023. Oh, that's really good.

Craft a celebrity quarantine house that you'd like to be a part of with three to five of like year olds like um i don't know if i know that three to five year old celebs okay gerber baby from 2012 uh zach and cody surrey cruise from the early years okay so three to three to five celebrities let's let's like draft like fantasy draft this okay i like that so if so if you pick it i can't do me in a mirror count because we're sort of like you count but you won't be on our list okay you won't be on the list but yeah but sure if someone wants to pick you i pick me okay it's gonna include you either way so it would be it would

be another you you want that blade and me in an apartment with seven kids. With fucking kids. That's smart, actually. All right. Yeah, let's go. Let's play. Okay. Who goes first?

Jake, you're on the upper left of my screen. You go first. Okay. Am I going to someone else's house or are they going to be at my house? Let's keep it your house. Okay. There's not a lot of rooms. Okay.

It's a two bedroom apartment. So I'm going to want someone thin. Ashley Judd. I guess I would probably do like Tom DeLonge. Like you want to be next to a musician that you love and respect that can keep you entertained. Why are you, Jeff? You're like taking a sip of your whiskey. Like that was like hard for you to hear.

It's just, I don't know. It's just kind of like, I have to, cause he didn't pick up. I don't want to do this show. Like the only reason why I'm doing it second episode is cause like, we're going to get money from it.

So just fucking, who's your Tom DeLonge. Who's the second one? Jesus Christ, man. I thought, well, I mean,

if we're doing it like draft style, you would go. And, but I feel like this is your, you have such a shitty attitude at the moment. You're scowling. Jeff's drunk in a headband. Jeff, you say you're a celebrity that you'd want to live with.

Because you're clearly like eager to get this whole thing over with. So just rattle them off, I guess. Let's do it. I mean, it doesn't matter. I'm trying to figure it out. I know it doesn't matter. This whole thing is like a fun little exercise. It's fake.

It's just a fun thing. It didn't matter when. It's better than, I think it's better than. This whole thing is like a fun little exercise. It's fake. It's just a fun thing. It didn't matter when. I think it's better than what you call your genitals. I mean, there's room for debate on there. Let's just do this. Say anybody. You're having a huge problem even thinking about a celebrity. You can say my mom.

Just say my mom. She's not famous. We'll get it wild just say danny devito come on say anybody ryan ross who is that who who is that he was he's a musician i'm going with fucking jake's thing all right let's everybody follow jake yeah why did he go first you can't be why are you pissed you are following me you're copying me you're mad about what do you want me to say you want me to say amir this this phone call alone is fucking you can't be angry tearing me apart okay amir what's what's your lebron james yeah i want to live with the king i just want to watch the last dance with him and pick his brain wax philosophical talk shop just to be with

that man in the house like that in your house. Would you make him sleep on the pullout or would you be like, King, you should totally take the bed. I'll offer the king for the king, but he won't take it. Because he is a king. Because he's fucking royalty and he'll sleep on the roof

because that's how much space LeBron needs. And honestly, today's NBA is all about spacing. So like he'll sort of decide don't tie it into like a playbook there's nothing to do with that you're gonna make a fucking 400 millionaire sleep on a shingled roof 400 I'm gonna

have to say Phoebe Waller Bridge because I think it'd be a gas a gas why are you mad at us I'm mad because like no one we're all allies like oh no i couldn't be like oh no no i wanted to pick her i didn't have that fun little oh man shoot you picked her so yeah fuck it i'm i think all right you're mad that you got to have your first pick without that's crazy without getting upset i didn't get

i didn't know it's just like i didn't get the attention of not getting it you know what i'm saying i didn't get to have that so more important every time we do this show someone's mad we've never all four of us been happy at the same time do you think that'd be different if we were in the studio together do you think it's because we're all kind of alone actually kind of poignant yeah we'd love to have been doing this in the head gum new york with that fucking millennial pink velvet couch are you shitting me with that that's right you guys built a roof and haven't gotten to enjoy it yet i was actually there today oh sneezing on everything solo just sort of wiping my face on everyone's chairs jake round two um yeah i'll do uh phoebe waller bridge oh you can't just because

no you can't i picked her yeah fuck yeah yeah but we mean uh no you can do one actually there is no there is a steal everybody gets one steal why one steal. No, you can't do a steal. I think that was part of the rules. Let's do a steal if we put it to a vote and it's like I should have Phoebe Waller-Bridge in my house with Tom DeLonge. How about this? Compromise. Only one steal per draft. Alright, so I'll take this one for this draft.

Oh no! I'll do LeBron James then. Actually, now that I think about it. Thanks, Samir. Solid. Why wouldn't you? I can't believe you're going to live with the king. I'll do LeBron James then actually now that I think about it thanks Samir you don't want Ryan Rose I can't believe John Mayer wasn't your first pick second choice is Mayer obviously it's Mayer

because I want to be on current mood let me write for current mood tell May tell John May he's in Montana at the moment I could be in fucking Livingston right now Livingstoning it up nice Amir Montana at the moment I could be in fucking Livingston right now living Stunning it up Nice Amir

If I can't have Oh really If I have two picks give me Anthony Davis LeBron James's running Mate in purple and gold And backing him up Can I have a side of george basil

why so it's ad running point forward me on the wing and did i mention george basil is there that's not a stretch for you you could get basil Basil to move in, I think. Really? That's two texts away. He hasn't been returning my text, but maybe you can do like an e-intro. What are you talking? You know him. I don't know him. I know, but if you could put us on an email, we could do it through his managers and agents, make it official, and I can invite him over.

We have the same manager. Really? But I'm still not going to do it. Okay. And you need an official document to invite someone to your house? Well, I figure if AD is here, he's not going to want anybody, just anybody, right? AD's not going to want to be there. AD is the prince. You're going to put him on the roof. I live with

the king, okay? LeBron's at my house. DeLong's at my house. Your house sucks ass. All it's got is Davis and you. Basil doesn't even want to come because you haven't sent him an official offer. He's offer only.

He's going to have to audition. Riley. I'm going to go with, I'm going to go with, ah, shit. Here's the thing. I, of course, we all know who I'm going to say.

I do want to say Dave Chang, but I've heard, I've heard Dave Chang can be kind of me. You can say it. None of us can say it, but you can say it. The C word. Feel free to say the C word.

Cunt? With a Y at the end. With a Y at the end. David Chang is, and then I can't say it, but you say it. Don't. No, Jeff, go on. You say it. Don't coach her to slur.

I'm not. I'm not coach. David Chang is. You're guiding her. I know how to say the word. I know how to say the word cunt. With a Y? With a Y. David Chang is. David Chang is... You're guiding her. I know how to say the word. I know how to say the word cunt. With a Y? With a Y.

David Chang is... David Chang is... You're like a... You're an evil SAT tutor. Let her talk. This is you as a dad. Hey, don't tell your folks that I told you the word. Mine's with duntee.

Cunt. Different letter. Of course I'm going to tell them. We pay you a lot of money. I'm 14 and you're teaching me swear words. I should be learning geometry. You're so off base. Sorry, how did the math section go for you?

I got a 740. It's amazing. You don't need me. My essay is for the English section. I just wrote cunty 50 times. She finally said it, Jeff. You happy? So far, Jake has Tom DeLonge, LeBron James.

I have Ryan Ross and John Mayer. Amir has Anthony Davis and George Basil. And Riley has B.B. Waller-Bridge. And who's the... David Chang? Dave Chang. Because we're going to be eating good. I've heard he's a good lay.

I've heard he kind of has B. Dave E. Big Dave energy? Yeah. You're too excited. jake the last round last round i've got d long i have lebron there for me to lean on so that's why i'm gonna go i was gonna say cheech and or chong but i will say Celine Dion. Celine Dion. Because that is the goat rhyme. LeBron DeLong and Celine Dion. And we all get along.

That's really good. Who says no? And my heart will go on. And my heart does go on. Correct, Riley. Very nice. No, we're making. Yak likes that.

Yak likes that. We're doing a little potluck. We do a stir fry every night. LeBron likes it spicy, but Tom doesn't. So it's kind of a fun little, you know, it's a little game. You have the best and worst voices of all time in the same house. Imagine that duet. Who doesn't have a good voice?

LeBron? I think he can croon. Yeah, obviously not LeBron. LeBron's fine. I'm talking about. Celine Dion has a great voice. Yes, I agree. Celine Dion.

So who does that leave? As sort of like a captain and having a weird nasal SoCal shitty voice. DeLong, dude. Tom DeLong and Celine Dion doing a fucking duet. That wouldn't match. That wouldn't fit. DeLong has an incredible voice. Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you.

All right. That's what it would be. I'm your dude, DeLong. That sounds awesome. And I'm his postmate, and I'm trying to figure out where his house is. Hey, man, sorry to call. Which house is it? Ocean Avenue, 55.

I'm in apartment 2C. Slow down. Slow down. Stop. What is that? Why are you yelling? Hey, mom, there's someone in the doorway.

He's got a lot of Yoshinoya bowls. Soon they'll all be gone. Yeah. Why'd you order this, by the way? It's great.

We should say that Jeff ordered me a Yoshinoya Postmates last week. I guess that was the low light. We're talking about what's the low light of the week. I guess that was the low light. We're talking about what's the low light of the week.

That's the most you thing I've ever heard. A beef bowl from Yoshinoya arriving at my house via Postmates not knowing why but having a great inkling that it was Jeff ordering me that food. Why did you do it and when? Well I sent you an edible arrangement

before the quarantine and it was a hit so i was like how do i get him something that he won't even eat so you're wasting food well there's i mean it's not gonna go eaten anyways nobody's going to yoshinoya if that's the one place they go out to there's a yoshinoya near the head gum office in la and we always do bits about it being give me a bowl so beef you could hardly call it rice. And so I gave Amir it with no, I think it was no rice, no slaw. I don't know what the fixings

are, but it was gray shavings of plastic tasting beef in a cardboard sock of a bowl delivered to your front door unannounced. I got coronavirus from the delivery person. Obviously I did.

In a bowl? It was. It was in a styrofoam bowl. Oh my. Remember styrofoam? Yoshinoya still has it. Yoshinoya. It traveled so far to get to you, by the way.

It was out for delivery, I think at like 4. 49 and got to you i think it's 6 12 are you laughing as you're placing that order are you like choose like or are you just like silently sitting on your couch sort of like half asleep looking at your phone okay let me show you what it what it looked like so i'm in bed forget my address you drop on your face oh yeah the phone fell on your face but still need to see it yeah yeah i chip my tooth favorite pastime is to send things to people unannounced how many times has the person not brought it up to you because you never brought it up or told them you got me uh you got me a cameo a week or two ago too it didn't say who it was from it was just taco falls saying good luck in the quarantine i didn't know who it was from i i loved well i my favorite

thing that i've sent to someone unannounced was i sent george saba aka man george a hat um it was like a like a ball like a dad hat and on it it had had a duck, and in a big Hooters font orange color said Honkers. And he didn't know for a weekend that it was me, and he said that he and his roommates were like, who the fuck sent this to me? They went through a list of names, and then finally, I think he texted me, was like, was this you? and I was like oh yeah and it had taken so long to ship

that I forgot there's still people out there that are like confused about a weird gift you sent them that's never gotten cleared up they wouldn't have guessed it was you and you wouldn't have guessed that you had sent it yeah because it took too long to ship because I'm not going to pay over overnight are you kidding me not for honkers

no I'm not going to pay over overnight. Are you kidding me? Not for honkers, no. So this segment didn't go well last week. Let's get Basil on the horn, Amir. Yeah, again, I don't want to just call friends that I haven't slept with for months at a time on the horn. I never, because I don't want to put people people on the spot i'm like you can ask me to like call like somebody that i talk to but like you're you're telling me to like dial up gabrus call george basil out of the blue putting them on the horn putting them on the spot i don't want to do it also how would they join the zoom like we wouldn't be able to hear them sorry now i'm getting

upset you put them on speakerphone hold them over the mic you're always upset jake what about always upset yeah i have pen i have pen badgley's number that's pendulet i don't have teller's number i have pen yeah pendulet there's not really anything exciting about pen though you really want teller to say something so it's a no one it's a no one badgley? No, I'll send him the Zoom and see if he clicks it. What if he did? Did Jeff get stuck or is he just not moving? Got it.

It's really small. He kind of looks like Popeye. He looks like a Mediterranean Mario. It's such a small screen of him sort of being stuck. He's definitely frozen, right? He has to of him where is sort of being stuck he's definitely frozen right are you he has to be frozen yeah i would hope he's frozen yeah now he's gone he's

gone he's all right he's gone now jeff is facetiming me what a shit show this is he's your celebrity call and he wanted basil to be on the horn right now so you left the zoom to facetime me what's what's going on here? Laptop died. Laptop died, he's telling me. Okay, so you're still recording, but Jeff... Well, you know what? We've been going for 45 minutes, so this is the perfect place to end the podcast.

This is a perfect ending. The issue might be that his whole track got lost because you were saving it in the laptop, right? Cool. Well, hey, it was awesome seeing was awesome your laptop not plugged in battery drained eventually died it obviously didn't say i'll see you again next week clear as day i'll see you again hey i'll see you on switch huh all right hell yeah and because you're talking to me on facetime jeff jake and riley are talking in the zoom i can't hear them i'm not plugged into their

audio so i don't know if they could hear me can you guys hear me raise your hand yeah they're not there anymore either it's nice to feel a glue to feel like you're kind of the nucleus of like something right you're not the nucleus you might have lost the nucleus you had the most important job and your computer died it wasn't plugged in or the only outlet

that works in my apartment to charge my laptop is the bathroom outlet so I had to order a two meter long cord that stretches from there to my bed and kitchen and that's is that like a voltage issue or what's the difference between it's got to be a voltage issue there's also this there's a breaker box and if it's there's supposed to be four different things and there's only three so I think that what Wadded should be spread over two rooms is just in one uh huh

do you want to try to find do you want to try to find the audio like we should know if we have to re-record that I don't care what at this point the whole show is a wash like we this is why I was saying we shouldn't have released the first episode so hastily I'm gonna hang up but take it easy I'll try I mean and he's shouldn't have released the first episode so hastily. I'm going to hang up, but take it easy.

I'll try. I mean, and he's gone. So just like the first episode, I am ending this one high and dry, left to my own devices. We do appreciate you guys listening. We loved hearing the feedback on the first episode. Keep sending your ideas for segments in. We'd love to hear what you want from this show. All right.

One thing will never change, and that is I will put him here on the spot and we will get John Mayer on the show. I will say that. And that's a promise. That's like it's not a matter of if it's a matter of when. But feel free to DM me or mirror Riley or Jake, anybody, anybody at HeadGum, DM HeadGum itself. Let us know what you'd like to hear, what's what's working, what's not. We want you to feel like you're at a company happy hour with us. So thanks for listening. We'll see you guys next week with another episode of the HeadGum Podcast. I got in a one-car pileup earlier today, and I didn't even mention it once in front of them. So I do feel like you guys kind of owe me one to listen to next week's episode.

And you might ask yourself, what's a one car pileup? Well, that's where I crashed my car into a retention wall, I believe it's called. Basically a wall of stone that keeps mudslides from happening in the hillside. And the car flipped and I flipped my position on a lot of things politically. And did I mention Jetty Osmond? Because I'd be remiss if I didn't mention

Cleveland Cavaliers forward Jetty Osmond. All right, there we go. Now we can end the show. Bye, everyone. that was a hate gun podcast