The Headgum Podcast - 203: My Other Car is a Massage

Episode Date: May 3, 2024

Amir, Allie, Anya, and Alex join Geoff to debut unofficial Headgum Podcast merch and to discuss realty, The Tortured Poets Department, and more!Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hidgum Original. Looking for inspiration? Craving something new? When you visit Audible, there are endless ways to ignite your imagination. With over 750,000 titles, including bestsellers, there's a listen for every type of listener. Discover all the best in audiobooks, podcasts, and originals featuring authentic Canadian voices and celebrity talent like Brendan Fraser and Luke Kirby's latest sci-fi adventure, The Downloaded. A first listen is waiting for you when you start your free trial at audible.ca.

Previously, on the HeadGum Podcast… What about Jordache versus Door Door Dash? What's Jordan? Is that Jewish door dash? That's good. They only deliver soup, but it's an actual look. It's a clothing brand. They make jeans and. Gene door.

Jashi, do you order? Jean Dorda. Jashing Dorda. Your Chasher's on the way. Speaking of jeans, I learned yesterday that Shaq's DJ name is DJ Diesel. Yeah. No. Well, his nickname was Diesel. Was it really? Yeah. When he was in the league

he would be it's like Shaq diesel it's actually peaceful hearing it with no one I had no idea Marika played this. Isn't that crazy? Yeah it is. She's better than this. I guess I got my swagger back. New merch alert. Oh shit. What did you think would happen?

Viral marketing, right? Grassroots, fucking street team style marketing. What if that envelope exploded like at a bank robbery where it's filled with blue dye? My other car is a massage. Massage, yeah. Those are, how many bumper stickers do you think? There's hundred in there

There's 900 at my house. I don't get it That's what do you mean that's the one that's one we're ranking on I Would also say that I don't Is this an inside joke to an episode that hasn't aired is this an inside joke that we're gonna back our way into today My other car is a massage. I wonder if you can punch in in about 8.5 it says listen to the headgun podcast. That's absolutely correct. That way because this is a parking lot sticker you know what I mean like nobody's gonna see this on the road. No one's gonna see this in a parking lot. Really? I can barely see it right here. No because the issue is is people will be like, my other car's a massage. What does that mean? It creates intrigue. It allows people to go up and squint, put their readers on. Girl, put your readers on. My other car's a massage. So, the opposite of when someone talks really quietly and you lean it. It's like, this sticker is for close hearers. Does that make sense?

No. This show is all about oral, and this is the first visual gag we've ever had, I would say. So how do you expect this to make sense by the end of the episode? Oh. He has a gun.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Massage gun. Gonna kill himself in a shirt. Nice! A Thera gun. He's gonna massage us. Yes. Are you gonna massage us? I'm gonna kill myself in his shirt. Nice, a gun. Yes.

We're gonna make an inside joke. Okay, so now I wanna take these off. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. There kind of already is a massage related inside joke here at the office. Meaning?

Which is that we had a front desk girl for like three to four months. And then when she was kind of some restructuring happened, she was let go. Well, shit can in front of everyone we should say they then gave us gift cards as a like end of year little treat to a massage place agreed to a massage massage place down the street and when we all went to go get massages our old front desk girl was working there I mean serendipity right of here No, I think it was related like we were able to get a good deal on the massage coupons because groupons Yeah, was working here was then working there. You don't will bleep her name I actually don't mind the bumper stickers being rich for the show what I actually don't mind the bumper stickers being merged for the show

Entire premise of everything Stickers on you just by a show of hands In this room yeah would put this on their car? I won't put it on my car, but it could be a good idea to go into the parking lot right now and put it on everyone else's car. Oh, that's cool. I don't mind that because we had to all park down the street and I'm not quite sure who's in the parking lot.

I think it's Jake Johnson. Really? Kevin. Yeah. I love her. She recently renovated her mons I saw In AD Uh-huh

Hey AD Upgraded from a bungalow to a fucking House You should be doing a Hey AD tour of the studio That's kind of funny but I wonder if we look at the bumper stickers and see if it's viral marketing It's not I'm just trying to take out one I'm trying to figure out- yeah look it's way cleaner when it's out of the fucking thing

Look how fucking centered that is Big block tech yeah big block. How would you put it would you put that on your car? No, I'm not really a bumper sticker person I do buy them sometimes when I think they're funny, but I haven't put them anywhere So I just have this can't be your only bumper sticker. This would need to be part of a sort of outback style sticker Actually, so it's gonna be amongst others people are gonna need to be part of a montage. Yeah I was in Topanga and it said I'd rather be haunting a Victorian house My other cars massage that's meaningless the one that I'll alley found was actually makes a. Next to my other car is a massage. That's meaningless.

The one that Allie found was actually makes a lot of sense. My other car. I have a question. Yeah. It's like hard to come up with something that has this little meaning. We had to swap out so many words for massage before you were like, what would make the least amount of sense? I didn't even think about making a bumper sticker. So what did you think? What's that? How did you come up with this? You were hammer sense. I didn't even think about making a bumper sticker. So what did you think?

What's that? How did you come up with this? You were hammered? I don't know. I was hammered. He was a big ham. I was free associating. I was doing spoken word.

Disassociating. Yeah, I was in a dissociative episode as I free associated within that dissociative episode. That makes sense? So basically I was down a deep dark hole. I was down the rabbit hole for sure. And this came to me. No way, just like that? And then I I said what if that was on a shirt?

And then that was a little too expensive for me right now So I put it on the stickers cuz I'm just that kind of 75 cents per how many stickers do you get thousand? You didn't really get a thousand did you you got a hundred? People know the scarcity of the stickers if we sell out a hundred of these before next week's episode drops They'll probably sell like hotcakes. That's what I was gonna say flapjacks. Let's talk margins. Let's talk shipping and fulfillment Well, Anja will do it, but that is on our way to margins Okay, you're talking about Once Jeff sells these how they get to where they're supposed to go and are they ever going to let's put money on it right now

Over under well depends on how much they cost and 75 cents per so did you pay $75 total or was there You're gonna do it for zero dollars profit. No no I think fine trying to figure out how to yeah, how much what's a price it will only be a couple hundred bucks But why not it spread the joy? Slash wisdom of this show through stickers so best-case scenario you spend 75 and you make 500 really I'm asking Not even best case because that would be free shipping and handling yeah, did you pay shipping and handling for these I did So wasn't 75 I think it was like a hundred something got it Do you think it's a little braggy to put on one car that you have another car?

But that's kind of the joy of this one. My other car isn't a car at all. It's a fucking deep tissue It's a Thai massage. Yeah, it's a Thai Jasmine, right? It's a Thai Beryl. Well, have you ever had a Thai massage? I have where they walk on you Yes, but they're like holding a bar. Yeah, I went to a massage place Didn't know it was gonna be that was kind of it was like really dark when you get in there And then like like really didn't know and then imagine my surprise I'm like this lady's on top of me And then when I got up and she turned the lights on like saw the bars. I was like, okay

Well, like I should have been worn. Yeah, I wasn't expecting it either. What happened to me? Oh My god, this person's walking all over me. Felt like a real doormat. Yeah. They're also like 100, it's like 100% of your body weight on, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like for other people, they're like a percentage of, I was like, we're the same size.

Struggling to breathe. She might have been a little bigger than me, actually. I wonder how much they, how often they just break a rib. Like, I'm stepping on your rib cage basic my other car is a massage Right, how do we get this onto the cars of others? How do we get this show into the ears of those? Are you gonna put one on your car? I don't know if I would really Bumper sticker kind of guy. I wonder if we get Jake's thoughts on this Johnson

I don't want to get high on your own supply. I think it's tacky to fucking put the fuck. Jeff, will you tell June Day and Raphael how to get out? Can you just show her? Show her the sticker. Can you push and push? Show her the sticker. Can you tell her push and push? You gotta do the push.

You gotta push and push. There you go, put the sticker. She left without the sticker. She doesn't want a sticker for sure. Yeah. What car did she drive? What would be cool is Tesla. Really?

Blip that. Blip that. You said it and bleeped it? Why are you mad at me? What car did she drive? Did anybody see? Tesla. Really? Cybertruck? You said it and bleeped it? Why are you mad at me? What would be cool, Gorilla Marketing, for the show is to get this show on terrestrial radio. What is that?

Regular radio. Like on the radio. Okay, so not extra terrestrial. No, just terrestrial. I haven't heard someone say the word terrestrial ever. Okay, well here we go. And then tune their car to the station where this is playing.

That's funny. And put the sticker on. And then just the FM channel like KCRW does. What? Why is there ever silence in this room? I tout overlapping dialogue, I get the fucking merch. This is a conversation starter. I did that once in high school when I had a crush on a boy and I was, I know, can you believe it?

And I was. That's not about me. I do. I believe that. No, and I was in my car and he worked on the radio station and so I put the radio station of my high school, I preset it, then I turned off my car so that when he got in my car, it turned on

and I was like, oh like I just was listening to this Also, I want to shout this out we have on this side of the room we have AB on this side of the room We have a K. Oh damn. I just realized that. Synergy. Yeah. Well you didn't introduce any of us. Alright. Which is why it should also be on public access. They might not recognize Ali anymore.

That's true. She has red hair now. And glasses. It's a red mirror. Glasses on the show before. Now you can't recognize. Anya Kenevskaia aka Anya Zero, Ali Khan aka AK 4'7". Alex Berkman, AKA AB.

What about Berkman Hathaway? It doesn't make a lot of sense, because it's basically. Because she Hathaway with comedy. She hacks away at it? Hathaway. Or has-away. Like has-away with a list.

I think it's a real-tea reference. With comedy. A real-tea. A real-tea. With a real-tea company. Oh! Real-tea. No, no, real-tea. And Amir Comedy. Alex Birdman. A.K.A. COMP! And Amir Blumenfeld, A.K.A. Stumpy.

What? You're over the stump. We also missed the joke here by the way. Well, you know, it's called overlapping dialogue for a reason, I actually really appreciated that. I wanna know, I wanna feel included. I'm just laughing. She just got it. My other car has a massage. No, that included. Anya's laughing. She just got it. What? My other car is a massage.

No, that's not what she's laughing at. It took 30, but we got there. The funniest moment in this show's history happened during something else. I might have to censor it, yeah, because I want people to be able to hear the Birdman caw, I want people to hear the stumpy ass. Because you have that dumpy ass.

I wanna know why they're laughing. Anya, what are you zeroing in on? I was explaining to Allie what the pun was about Berkshire Hathaway, and she said, Berkshire Hathaway, and I said, it's a real tea company, and then Allie keeps asking me real tea. You want the real tea. Do you not know what that is? Do you not know what that is?

I'm trying to take off my new glasses. I'm trying. Chomps and Frag about the glasses. Versus a fake tea company is what I thought she was saying, like it's a real tea company and I'm like, oh, okay. Well did you pronounce it real tea or did you pronounce it real tea?

Real tea. I kept saying real tea over and over and she just kept being like, okay. It's real salty or did you pronounce it real tea? Or did you pronounce it real tea? I kept saying real tea over and over and she just kept being like real tea. Broke ridge as in a shattered bluff? No. It's like a word that's like the more commonly used word of the two things that you think of it. It's a real tea company. No, it's not.

It's a real tea company. Nothing, it's not. Nothing, that's nothing. That's not a thing. Dramatic chipmunk. Okay, well he really killed the vibe. Wait, Jeff, are you gonna actually caw every time you refer to me now around the office? I mean, that could work if it was like, please welcome to the show Alex Berkman

Just call Actually really relevant because it was just telling my fiance that I want to make friends with the crows in my neighborhood. I teach them how to bring me money. Okay, Alex, it's impossible. It's so possible that I have a neighbor that did that. No way, Ali. I don't encourage this. It's not real. She's burning in a... I was walking down the street. This is the best walk I ever had in my neighborhood. What are you talking about? Continue. There were two guys that were standing on their balcony

in the apartment building next door to mine, and a crow came, flew in, and landed right on the, like, the banister, and then the guy said to the other guy, man, he's finally trained. We fucking did it. And it was Alex. And it had a lot of cash in its talons. No, if you give them more treats,

when they bring you money, they'll bring you more money. I don't know if that's how Birdtree works. Did anyone ever watch Mary-Kate and Ashley also mystery series? Also an also mystery agency? Will it solve any crime by dinnertime? No. Of course. Oh wait, I have a vision of them in trench coats.

People love when Ali goes off on tangents. When I do it, people are like. Yours are interesting, yours are sort of not. Well, there's an entire mystery caper where, long story short, there was a crow who really liked shiny objects, and they were stealing all the jewelry on the cruise, so it wasn't actually a crime.

Much of a mystery, yeah. The answer's always birds. I've said that about most crimes. If the glove fits, you must acquit. It was shaped like a fucking claw. No one talks about this. Nicole was off by a crow's foot. Anya, do you wanna share with the audience

what you said right before you recorded when you walked in? Oh, the slur? Oh shit, stop. What? The way your voice just shook. Because I'm not sure if it's too soon Oh shit. Stop. What? The way your voice just shook. Because I'm not sure if it's too soon after either Nicole or Simpson. I mean there's so many, there's so much racial politics involved in what you're talking about

that I don't think you're prepared to go there. That's why I like to toe the line. That's why I'm halfway between Lithuania and fucking Kerala. Anyways, I just got my period right before I walked in. No. No. No. No. No.

Take a break, we'll be right back. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Real tea?

No. No. No. No. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guys, my social battery is starting to come back, I have to say, because, you know, we're all less social in the winter, habitually, and I feel like I've sort of charged up for a summer of filling my cup.

But it can be easy to ignore our social battery altogether and spread ourselves thin, especially with social gatherings picking up after the winter. Like I said, what's the right amount of socialization for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people, or maybe you need some time alone. Therapy can give you that self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I'm in therapy every week, it definitely helps me rearrange my priorities so that I

can prioritize my social battery and making sure I have that time to recharge, which I need. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash what's that today to get 10% off your first month.

Again, that's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash what's that? Thanks BetterHelp. This Headgum podcast is brought to you by OraFrames. That is right. From grandmothers to new mothers. Aunts, even the friends of your life, every mom loves an OraFrame. Holy shit, even aunts?

Yes, especially aunts. Oh well. Because it was named the best digital photo frame by Wirecutter and selected as one of Oprah's favorite things. I mean, these aura frames are guaranteed to bring joy to moms of all ages. I believe it. You have an aura frame, don't you?

Yes, I actually more than believe it. I know it. I've got one for my mom, my mother-in-law, my grandmother-in-law. And dare I say your aunt? And dare you say my aunt and my aunt-in-law? Everyone's got one. Everyone loves them. I mean, Mother's Day is right around the corner and there's no better gift than a digital

photo frame. You give them the frame. It's got preloaded pictures in there and you know what? You can update it with an app so So every time you take a new picture of a sweet little person or place or thing in your life, it gets automatically sent to that frame. Exactly. And right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day.

Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $30 off plus free shipping on their best-selling frame. Holy smokes. Excellent deal. Yeah, that's A-U- on their best-selling frame. Holy smokes. Excellent deal. Yeah, that's A-U-R-A frames.com. You use the code HEADGUM at checkout to save. Headgum, nice.

Yes, headgum. It's easy to set up. It's loved by everybody, including Oprah, including your aunt. So do check them out. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Use code HEADGUM at checkout to save. Damn right.

And terms and conditions apply, of course. Of course. Thanks again to Aura. Let's really get into some stuff here. I wanna dive into your guys' psyches. You said that you have a fiance. How's the trial period going? Because I feel like people don't treat engagement as what it really is, which is, do I really want to do this?

Yeah, well, it's been six years, so it's been a very long trial period. Really? Is that a drop in the bucket? What does that mean? I don't know. I don't know. Are you raising, are you crowdfunding the fucking nuptial? I almost said a funeral. The death of your bachelorette-ism. Is that the pause, or is it?

I'm so nervous. Sometimes when I speak on this show, I just feel like I'm falling down a hill. Do you wanna take it from the top? Are you crowdfunding cash for the fucking... Will there be a GoFundMe? It's a good idea. Are you willing to pay up?

Or are you truly not sure? About taking your money from my money? No, why the wait? No, he's talking about your fiance. No, I'm sure. So it's of... Like 98%? Is it like a grassroots style?

It's happening. That's all you need to know I'm wondering where it's gonna be It takes a while to plan the party Yeah, but you fucking rushed into yours It was like a fucking cannon wedding Forget shotgun Long engagement

Mr. Ash had your ass At Cannon Point And so you waltzed your way down the aisle to the Canyon Point Mmm. You rushed into it and it shows Alex is biding her time and you're in a room with people making what merch like this Well, I feel like you a mirror and a VTOL dated for a really long time I know but they weren't fucking gunning for it And then all of a sudden it was like oh my god like we're getting married

This October like you got to be here. Not really really well Here's the thing no one really loops you in to the beginning of any even a BCC We had we had a meeting we had to have so many meetings about an upcoming Thing that we're all planning before we looped you in and it was such a lock and then as of today None of us know what we're doing because you derailed that conversation So I have a cat and I get distracted. It was crazy. The amount of times he stopped talking to us to pet the cat.

I like to be a Bond villain in a way, because I like to be like, he would either he would either be talking to the cat or he'd be typing so loudly that if someone else was talking on the zoom, you couldn't hear that. I was taking notes. I was taking notes on the fucking minutes of the episode. What I'm saying is that why would you be involved in the planning of either one of these things? I'd love to be the flower guy We actually don't have a wedding planner yet, so if you want to step up and do that I feel like we should make that happen

I worry that a lot of it is gonna be stuff like this like goodie bags with like fucking slogans that don't mean anything Can I take those? Order where it says instead of in five-point font to the bottom listen to the headgun podcast it says support our love forever Solder our fucking bond together at the elbow like a wedding Just a love further To the future which is what a wedding is. It's like a vote of confidence in a way a wedding is a vote of confidence

Yeah, it's like I think this is gonna work. What do you guys think? you know, and then it's gotta be like does anyone object and Usually there's the performative one or three that do and then it's like how people react whether it's with physical violence or whether it's with Quips back and forth Plan for this episode Some point have you ever taken a psychopath test light live on the show. Why do people think this about me? I'm a very caring person. You seem to have no concept of like how Relationships are interpersonal like things work at all. It's reciprocity

It's the snake eating its own tail as each other eat each other's asses You think you think marriage is like an Ouroboros in a way because it never stops not right in an ideal world there's like a constant flow or girlfriend of equality of Egalitarianism in terms of oh that painting doesn't look good there because it's our house I'll let you put it there. You know what I mean. It's called sacrifice. It's called Enjoying each other's company on a base level because if you don't marry your best friend just one second Ali Then what do you even have?

To the happy couple. Well, how's it all talk? Wine, stained teeth. To Alex and. Bleep. She doesn't want that put out there. Bleep that. Bleep that.

You said it. That could be a good bumper sticker. Bleep that. That would be a great head gum podcast bumper sticker. My other car is a massage. Nobody else likes it. Because you already purchased a hundred of them. So we have to make an inside joke out of it.

How will the payments go for this? Like how do you plan on selling this? Fucking Stripe. I had a meeting about it. About these? You wanted us to back into it with a joke? Correct. That's what the entire episode was supposed to be about, and amongst other segments. Anyone want to start?

I guess we can come up with different car names. You know, there's like Sonata Accord. No, that's bullshit. We have to basically come up with like a thing, like basically a clip-able moment. A massage joke? Yeah, kind of. That would work. Alright, someone make a joke about a massage. Well, it has to be more organic than that. Like basically like, we need like a- We're not going to be organic.

We need a clip-able moment. We're going to bleep me saying someone make a joke about a massage and then we're going to cut right to me making a joke. Even if there's a great joke about a massage It doesn't mean that it would make sense Joke about a car right after it's hard because we have to make it seem like it happened naturally And it has to be so funny that it's clippable for social and then that's like oh my god They dropped the merch that has to do with right right right, right? It's joke about a massage immediately followed by a joke about a car and then someone else says my other car is a massage you guys aren't trained here

We go all right Amir. What do you drive a Mazda a Mazda Roddy? And then we kind of go off that like basically is it an awesome car is it a sedan? Where do we go from there? And and Amir if you were going to park something else in your carport, what would it be? Would it be a Buick? Or would it be a fucking tie? A massage. That's funny. Wow.

Look at how much joy that brings. My car is an awesome car. It drives into my deep tissue tie. Walking on my back it drives guy, yeah Alex what do you drive? Volvo XC40 there's nothing we can do with that because it doesn't really tie in

my tie is an awesome guy it's Volvo can we quit it with the side bars? I mean there's fucking overlapping dialogue. Is that what you like? I do like that. Everyone thinks I'm Jewish because of that. Yeah. I think we'll take you and then it's all Jews on this podcast today Is that the case? So that's weird that one of us started that song. Speaking of Converting because that's what I would do to feel part of something. We were like we don't know how that song goes. Well I don't I'm Jewish, but I still know that song. you know I know that song infomercials?

I guess last time you guys faked being sick to get out of something today at work really You leave right? What is it that you guys are truly seeking I feel like you guys are all kind of like want for more But I wonder when it will be enough Like five minutes to 15 Meaning when you said this would be over and well part of it is you guys all went to check to see if you got Tickets you didn't put the bumper stickers on your car. Are you gonna put the bumper sticker? I won't do it yet until everybody starts a movement around it like once I feel a part of something that I

Need a leader every movement needs a guy like you What were the segments you had planned? When is the next time you might have to dress black tie? The cadence and tone was like you're responding to Anya but it was completely a separate conversation. What segment did you have planned? When was the last time you wore black tie? That's interesting and I wonder when the last time you might have to... And that's a segment? Well not really a segment more of a query. Did you say next time or last time?

Our tie is a black tie to wear on a massage in cars and I... My tie is an awesome guy Our destination bachelor party is an asshole move if you don't pay I had one But it was planned for me yours was nearby though. It was like in the forests of it was a surprise, right? It's always like a half surprise so it's like I know what weekend it's happening, but I don't know where I'm going always And have you ever had elective surgery I had the balloon sinoplasty which was not really a surgery but a procedure Who's the one that got away for you guys? Names yeah, oh, I think my first one that got away and last one that got away that one works, too But I mean if only if you have to if you have one let's firmly say that I wish you were friends with

Muna who has a podcast on the head of networks, and you could use that song I've been at parties with them were cordial, but they wouldn't give you they wouldn't give you permission They also have a segment that they've been doing called first crush last crush. That's funny. I meant it by Ali con Yeah, wow first yeah producer crush you had and then the last one you had and then you try to find the line that they've been doing called First Crush, Last Crush. That's funny. Demented by Ali Khan. Yeah. Wow. First crush you had and then the last one you had and then you try to find the through line. Which is so much more fun than the one that got away. Ashley Tisdale, First.

Wow. One that got away? No. First Crush, Last Crush. Oh. And Drew Barrymore, most recent. What? She just came up earlier today. I would be a house husband to her.

Which is the ultimate sacrifice. I do feel like, I do feel like. For me to put my burgeoning career on hold. I mean the fucking snickers. His burdening career. She would love that. If I was on her show being like. That's what I was gonna say, I was like,

if she would be sitting this close to you and she'd love it. Yeah. She would be like, that's so good. She'd be close to, we'd be brushing eyes. And then you guys would go look at the rain'd love it. Yeah. She would be like, that's so good. She'd be close to, we'd be brushing eyes. And then you guys would go look at the rain together and cry. Yeah. I would love to take her to Thai.

Land? Food. A massage? Imagine ruining a pear. Ruin a pear. With Drew Bearer. Have you guys ever hiked till you bled? This can be blisters or sort of more of an Anya situation. I've gotten like, lost on a hike.

You got your what? Lost. Lost. You got lost on a hike? Mental loss? You would drink a Voss on a hike? Cause you're best friend in the world. What are these questions? What are you asking us?

You're not even listening to the answers. One minute we have Anya. One more minute we have Anya, so I'm going to skim my head, and then we're going to circle back. Invasive questions. You're not listening to any of the answers. Pump the jakes on this, Johnson. There's like no chance that this isn't bleeding into the Here

to Help recording. The smoke billows out the wok like some fried rice turning dark brown. The seer that's attained looks like tar caught a rice grains as they sear thus. They shake their heads saying, God help him as they ask if that's my lunch. But your good Lord doesn't need to make rice cinder. I can burn rice, no really I can. And rice comes from cans

The searing oil races through the grains on a La Crusay Bada Zay bars The scorching rice looks like parboiled, but it's actually Thai jasmine rice. And I could see your rice from a mile away if I had a mile long spoon. Rice has that halo of most ancient grains, just like Cheechin eats or rice should be in ruins. They shake their heads saying God help that rice when they realize my dinner plans. But your good lord doesn't need to save Basmati I can torch grits no really I can. Eat grits with your glands.

And no one listening to it either, yeah. Roy Choi makes bad rice. Well, I hope everyone's been listening. Omakase, I trashed rice. Isn't there like 31 songs on that album? Trust me, it's the consistency of sand. No, really, you'll enjoy rice, Berm. Oh, so bad.

This is such a terrible song. It's really sad. It's making me hate the original, and I've never even heard the original. To have this as a follow-up to his best rice song is so sad. They shook their heads, saying, God help him when I tell them that's dessert. But your good lord doesn't need to eat rice pudding until it no, it's really dirty. Last time I talked over the song, people in the comments were mad that we,

we wouldn't let them just sit there. Well maybe rice is dirt. I think this one deserves to be talked over. This? Are you sure? Because this is borderline a poem. Did I tell you about my new podcast idea? No. Is it still going?

There's no time. How is that a real song? It's interesting you elect- There's not even a chorus or a verse. You like indented poetry. Yes. And it absolutely is from- The torture poets.

The blistered Millets department. Sort of ruined grains in a way. The Tortured Poets department. The Blistered Millets department. I need to hear that actual song. Anya, you are forgiven. That's my it's like my comedy idol just like and you were doing that I was mumbling about grits I was giving him like s.o.s.

run out there and show me about the bumper stickers no thank you about the fucking my other cars massage I got it that I know you are relieved if you have to leave but I wanted to talk a little bit about kicking me out kicking me out. You said, will you be done by 2 15? You're welcome to leave. Do you guys feel like I returned the favor? No. No. episode ends right there. I want to know what the real song of that is. Is that an actual Taylor Swift song?

It is. It's's called I can fix him No, really I can and it's about like one of her exes. I think it's about Maddie Healy. Oh, yeah What? Detective Amir's on the case So it's about Mad Healy or Kelsey or something Kelsey's fine I think and is there a chorus to that song or just sort of me and just like that and then it ends I definitely wasn't singing it on Rhythm on beat, but it's really hard to find the rhythm because it's sort of like a course

I don't even know but I do think that it's like a slithering beat And it almost sounds like grab your ancient music or someone like playing it Music or someone like playing it The smoke cloud billows out the walk like some fried rice Turning dark brown we heard it the first time Okay, well the line that I wanted to dissect because you guys were talking over it is And I could see your rice from a mile away if I had a mile long That was my favorite line. Thank you have a really had I laughed at that Rice has the halo of that most ancient grain just like chichen itza rice should be in ruins

I also thought that was good because I was like way to come up with each and eats up so yeah What's cheap you can kind of get that word into a song for a long time? Yeah, the chichens go eat sir What is for my rice? What is it Cheechin? It's in a, I don't want to be wrong. Why do you keep looking at the window? Somebody with a man bun's waiting outside, I don't know who it is. It's fucking me!

How can it be me? Will you go get it? I'm in the middle of gold! Mining. of gold mining what bible verse do you guys think is best suited to justify hate word of the week word of the fucking day you said it I said it okay hate what Bible verse would be the most conducive to Proving hatred right does that make sense everyone here is Jewish now, so it feels The first half are you like the joy guy? I love joy

I'm just wondering which Bible because then we could white it out. I could just start buying volumes and fucking Striking it from the record and away A weird episode for sure. And they're all weird. What makes a house a home? Let's start with Anya Zero. Just in the state of, yeah. Sorry, could you repeat the question?

I can't. I really can't. It's a totally different question. First CD you ever bought? Jagged Little Pill. Oh wait, sorry, I meant what movie? Sorry, have you been talking to my dad? It's a totally different question. First CD you ever bought? I think so, how so? Jagged Little Pill. Oh wait, sorry, I meant what movie? Sorry, have you been talking to my dad? That's what he calls me. What movie?

Sorry? If it was on TV, would you like have to sit down and watch the rest of it? Can you speak with more fervor? I feel like you're like- I'm sorry, what's the first thing you remember eating? Or earliest memory. And then on top of that- Have you been to Australia?

Can I pickle back off of a mirror and just ask who inspires you? Can I just pickle back slash nickel back can you take me higher? Than any of the weird shit you said how impressed are you by the speed of transition from an NBA court to an NHL Rink and most of the nation's major arenas. Oh, very. Thank you. Why would someone not like me? To be continued.

We have enough time to unpack that. Because it would, yeah. Take longer than the whole transformation from wood to ice. What book do you guys think everyone should have read by the time they're 30? It's just hard because sometimes there's so many things about you to like and you're like and we love working with you and other times you make it just like impossible for me to do my job.

Yeah, kind of like the show could be doing so well, but it's like always kind of... I'm clipping things out, I'm doing viral marketing, I'm doing guerrilla research. I do think if more people read All About Love by Bell Hooks, it'd probably help. Okay, tell the listeners of the show about that book. They probably need it might help here's the thing I had an audition to play a guru in a beats One commercial yet last Friday, and they were like in improvise like something a guru would well Are you most typecast as a guru because that's also your character in the Sydney Sweeney commercial? That's what I'm saying I like when I get auditions for that because I know that there's only like there's not that many people with long hair

Yeah, so I you know the chances. What does that mean? What do you mean? What does that mean? When I get auditions for that because I know that there's only like there's not that many people with long hair. Yeah So I you know the chances what does that mean? What do you mean? What does that mean? There's not that many people with long hair that many people who look like gurus men who look with long hair Let's say Russell Brand. He's canceled. That's also just one person and you're benefiting from it exactly right Thank God thing being you're the new Russell Brand. It's like I can't even on brand Maybe we should make the bumper sticker something about how I can't get a word in edgewise amount I was trying to talk about beats one I was trying to talk about how they were like Improvise something a guru would say and I realized I had a breadth of experience doing that because all we talked about on the

Show is spreading joy spreading libel encouraging wisdom of experience doing that because all we talk about on this show is spreading joy, spreading libel, encouraging wisdom. I feel like this is sort of a... What did you say? I said the valley between sorrow and joy is narrow. Make your passage. Damn.

Wow. Put that on a bumper sticker. I like this one. My other car is a massage. Damn, hmm. Wow, put that on a bumper sticker. I like this one With a fucking Volvo, how do you drive? Sorrento no forte what exercise sounds the hottest to hear Bickram how do you figure cuz it's hot yoga? That's funny You don't think it's Pilates or band work? Band work? Fucking stretching with like an exercise band.

She looks a bit earlier with the realty thing. I got that vibe too. Like she's never heard of it in her life. I was being in a band can I help you explain? Have you ever severely embarrassed yourself on a second date? Yes. Yes. No.

No, actually. I said yes to be cool. No. What's the perfect time to go to sleep? 11 p.m. And my final question. Why you slash now? My other car's a a massage we got there Plugs what do you have guys go? What do you guys have going on?

What do you want to point it in the clear guys? What do you want to point the people towards slash? How do you feel about the future follow head gum on Instagram? And then oh and the head gum live show may 7th in NYC NYC at the bell house we should say head gum comm slash live actually I'm jealous I wish I could be there so you guys should go maybe what's up no plugs awesome that's awesome. That's cool. Me too. No plugs? You still doing your furniture stuff? Ali, she said no plugs. Sorry.

Sorry. I just wanted to. DK four foot seven, what do you got? You can follow me at AliCon on Letterboxd or Instagram. And that's it. What's Letterboxd? It's a movie app. It just tracks what you watch and you write little reviews. on Letterboxd or Instagram. And that's it. What's Letterboxd? It's a movie app.

It just tracks what you watch and you write little reviews. I don't take it that seriously, but I think it's fun. No, you can be honest. I like writing lists. I have a list that I'm keeping going right now of movies that feature school play. So if anyone has any that I forgot.

Rushmore. I don't have that one. I'll add it. Thank you. Wow. At Jeffrey James on Instagram, patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff. and let's round it out with Anya and I might cut this out All right, how do we do this so he can't cut it out? Make this work, that's right. So

Pressure's on head gum comm slash Marty where you'll be able to find grassroots marketing bumper sticker Pretty soon. It will be five dollars plus Marty and So don't forget to go to head gum comms last grassroots marketing To buy this bumper sticker and in very very tiny letters people will know that you listen to the head gum podcast despite your best Very very tiny letters people will know that you listen to the headgum podcast despite your best interests Go ahead and follow me at radio free onion Instagram still saving up for a house Venmo Anya kind of sky Go ahead and toss a couple dollars in there Every five dollars I get I'll do something really mean to Jeff next episode. I mean, I obviously can't handle it

Or I'll promote him in a nice and kind way because I do love him. That's worse almost. Like that. And this whole thing, lest we forget, was Daz. Okay. I'm just like, I'm out. What was wrong with what I just did? That was a head gum original. Hey there podcast listener. Good news.

We're doing another head gum happy hour in New York City. Whoa, that's amazing news. Amir, why don't you tell the folks when and where it is? Okay, fine. It's Tuesday, May 7th at 7 30 p.m. at the bell house. Okay. And why don't you tell everybody who the fucking hosts are? Yeah, that would be us. It would be, uh, we're hosting it. It's Jake and Am house. Okay, and why don't you tell everybody who the fucking hosts are? Yeah, that would be us.

It would be, we're hosting it, it's Jake and Amir. Okay, and how about this, you little piece of shit? Why don't you tell everybody who is gonna be performing? Who is this show featuring? All right, I don't appreciate being called that, but it is featuring Charlie Bardet, Natalie Rodder, late man of exploration. And why don't you tell them, excuse me,

why don't you tell them who else it's featuring? Yeah, Nilly Tamaras and Elise Morales of the Go Touch Grass podcast and some surprise guests as well. More yes. And Mir, why don't you go ahead and close this out now you say something like thanks for listening we'll see you at the show or something like that. Why don't you go ahead and do that? Okay I will. It's it's uh can you do that? So go buy a ticket at headgum.com live and we'll see you there. All right bye.