The Headgum Podcast - 210: Grunty

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Amir and Marika join Geoff to discuss the Geoffardy livestream, Jake's inner life, and "grunty."Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. And we're back. Um, before we get into... Was the food bad? Sorry? Remember people used to say that about London. What's that? That the food was bad. There we go.

Yes. Yeah, you really broke character to talk about London, but... Yeah, I really did character to talk about London, but... Yeah, I really did. ...just back. Food, food great. Had a great time. Went to Nando's. Had a cheeky Nando's.

Went to one of my favorite restaurants. Cricket. Fish and chips. What a delight. Fish and chippies? A bottle of Nando's, is it? A bottle of Nando's. Have you even been to the UK?

A bottle of Nando's, is it? Bottle of Nando's. Have you even been to the UK? A bottle of Nando's? Well, I never ever considered that. No, I do. Did you see what it was, Amir? Once upon a one more time. Yeah. The goaded Guarini. Like what about what about us over here? Noted Guarini. What about a niche Broadway themed chain restaurant where it's guacchini would be like any teaser

that's on the menu. And then there would be like a Jellicle sandwich and it's like a fucking PB and J without the PB. Just jelly. Cool. Yeah, basically. Or maybe it's like a jam octopus side. So it's like a last jam jelly slash tentacle. Or just like cat. I gave what what is that? The Broadway fucking cats, cat. I gave... What does that have to do with Broadway?

Fucking cats. Cats. I gave you a better title for that. Just Jelly Sandwich. Let's hear it. The musical Jelly's Last Jam. So... That's pretty good.

I don't know that one. So it obviously fits the restaurant. Yep. Production of Cats. That's why I brought it up. Sure. Changed my life. What do you mean? Every play changes your life because you now have the experience of watching the play. Yeah, and that's what I mean.

No, it was great. I like cats now. I never... What was different about this one? This one takes place in like ballroom subculture. So. The cats are. The cats are for once. The. Cats.

It's a metaphor for. For like cats, you know, like that cat can swing. Yeah, but no, it's not that. It's like, like a voguing performances, like death drops on a runway, fierce costuming, all that kind of stuff. It's great. Yeah. Highly recommend if you live in NYC. Riley was really jealous that I was there.

And then I told her it reminded me as soon as the song song Mungo, Jerry, and Rumpelteaser started, it reminded me that she wanted to make you learn the choreography for that and perform it. I think it would be so funny. I think it would be really funny. But it would have cost so much money. I think it would be so funny. I think it would be so funny.

I think it'd be really funny, but it would have cost so much money to like work with a choreographer and hours of our time. There's no joke on top of it is the best part of it, though, is like we would just be performing and people would be like waiting for like a sketch or element or like a parody and there is none. Yeah. And then we would just like introduce fucking. Yeah, just a tip. Yeah, exactly. They're no longer even there, but we're still introducing.

Yeah, I mean, the energy is already fucking permeating the Zoom slash room and eventually people's ears. All right. I would say. Slash ears. I was going to say that this episode has kind of early Headcome Podcast vibes because it does feel like I'm in some kind of enclosed space. Emotionally. Where are you?

I'm just in my bedroom. Larger space than the original closet, but emotionally everything's caving in. It's the scene from Star Wars with the trash compactor. I, you know, you know that song, it's like go on, keep the money and run. Why couldn't you do this at noon? You changed it last minute to 11.

Yeah, I had no diesel for one. Now I had the same. So I had a tape, right? Which I put on DV. Sorry, you can't. I realize that's not what they meant. You canceled the recording yesterday that you said you had to go to the west side for because you just needed to tape yourself in your room.

No, I taped on Monday, right? Tape was good. Great. Wake up on, I'm like, thank God, because I was either going to have to do it Monday evening or I have to have to wake up yesterday at nine, which I didn't want to do. Well, I can wake, I'll wake up at nine, but I don't want to wake up at nine and then immediately start like being on camera camera having to be acting. And I wake up yesterday to an email from my agent being like, this is not interesting to anybody by the way. I'm probably going to cut this out, but this is just for y'all. Um, I got you an appointment and I strongly suggest you go into the

office to audition cause they're starting to do these again. I was like, fine. And it was at, uh, two, but it was on the West side. So I couldn't do the time that we said went in audition in person was worse than the tape, right? So I called my agent. I said, Hey, that was worse than what I had taped. Can you just send the tape in also just in case they want to take a look at it?

Here we are next day at 11, probably would have heard by now. So the whole thing was a wash. My whole week got thrown. My whole week got thrown because of that. And that's the aspect of this shit that I hate. But if I get it, it'll be like 10 grand. So kind of a scratcher. That's a scratcher.

Like a lottery ticket. I got it, yeah. It's a scratcher. Like a lottery ticket. I got it, yeah. Anywho, did you just say grunty? I've never said that word in my life. Wait, which word? What you just said.

But I guess I got the word of the fucking week. The word of the week is grunty. Word of the day. I can never remember if it's word of the day, if it's bond of the day. Bond of the week, word of the day. Word of the day is grunty, which is when you're well, yeah, exactly right. Amir. So basically like you're having a day where you're kind of going like, hmm, hmm, you know?

And then people are like, oh, how's it? You just had a Zoom. How is Amir? Which everybody always asks. And I'm like, oh, he was kind of grunty. Grunty? Who's everybody? Basically, I mean, this show, we should say, usually is recorded in front of a live studio audience. I just tell them all to shut the fuck up.

Mm hmm. Gotcha. But in front of a live studio audience doesn't have to mean they're like laughing on my right. It can also just mean sorry, I wasn't even close to them. It can also mean that they're just staring at you in stunned silence, being like, what is this show? How do I recommend it to my friends? Because I kind of liked it, but I don't know how to describe it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's that?

Either it's how I describe someone or it could be a children's book about the many misadventures of Grunty. I think you should write that. Also, now Grunty is like a person instead of. Yeah. It'd be like the New York Jets are like eight and one ever since Grunty threw out the first ball. I feel like it will be an animal that right.

Why do you go to the New York Jets? It should be like the one to the gorilla. That's good. Yeah, it's just that the New York Mets are nine and one. Sorry, it was very close to done. I get that. Yeah. Right. Because others in the back the New York Jets is not a topic that the children would want to read. Read.

It's a book, right? No one's reading shit. I'm talking about an AI DVD streamed locally. Go on. Are you guys fearful of AI or sort of into the idea of it replacing creative jobs on mass? On ass. Those are the two options. I think on we more than on mass for me. Yeah, I would say because I kind of feel like well, you know, I just found out that Google's chat GPT powered search engine

actually burns as much energy as seven million iPads. Yeah. If you didn't know. Because it is seven million iPads. Plugged in. Googling at once by hand. Did you see the tweet that was like, once by hand. Did you see the tweet that was like

an article was written about Natalie Portman and it just took lyrics from Natalie's rap and said that it was about her. It was like Natalie Portman wrapped now the Lonely Island song that Natalie's rap. It was like the article said that she was quoted to when like she quote, she was quoted saying when I was at Harvard, I smoked we every day. I cheated every test. I snorted all the day. She was quoted that she didn't do that.

Real. Yeah. Written by. That's why I'm not scared of AI. Yeah. Because it's ultimately just an algorithm. It's not a person. It's not a robot. Not yet.

Yeah, the fear is that it's just an algorithm that is in a robot's body that is programmed to do something. And if you get in its way, it's programmed so hard in that direction that it will kill you. I'm more scared of like the robot dogs than AI in its current state. Like the Amazon bots that like riddle the streets with not only fear, but also packages. Right. Say more on that. Speak on it.

I don't know. I just saw one recently in Times Square, but in. It was I don't know how to describe what I saw. It was a group of people standing or standing around a robot dog that was not working. Like it was like collapsed on the ground. But the way that I approached it looked like people concerned about an actual dog. And then I got like it was like someone was filming something like, you know,

too many people were surrounding an ultimately not working robot. Yeah. And it was a really weird. Well, we should also say that those Amazon dogs are starting to like. Like act like more like normal dogs to blend in and like not fighting children. They're yeah, peeing oil to like mark their territory. So most of like 42nd Street is just covered in fucking crude oil. Yeah. Amir, let's not get distracted during the episode. You know, I don't know.

I can't believe he's like on Zoom. Yeah. Yeah, I can't believe I'm missing the Marketplace Weekly for this. And what usually goes on in that meeting? Presentations of sorts. For those who don't know, just for those who don't know. Just for those who don't know, can you guys fill in the listeners on what the Marketplace Weekly is and how it's not quite in all hands? It's more of an all glands. No, because they don't want to know.

Right. I get that. Then maybe. Yeah, because it's like a sales call. Right. No, it's with the entire team. So now I'm not on it. Sage is on it.

She said that she was in Texas. Well, she's going to be starting tomorrow. On Friday, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. On Friday, yeah. Yeah. What are you missing in the Marketplace Weekly?

Just news, gossip, what everyone's up to, that sort of thing. I mean, you guys have the whole, all of next week off, what are you guys going to do? I don't know. Is it next week already? Yeah. I really briefly tried to see if I could fly to England to go to Silverstone. Yeah, $2,000 on the return flight. Is that a casino?

On the way there? No, it's a racetrack. So, I don't know, maybe there's a casino around there. That's awesome. So your plan should be to go. Don't buy your return ticket until you make it big at the casino. Right. I'll bet on the race, actually.

That'll be perfect. It's like when you go to the roulette table and you bet equally on red and black. So you bet on, I don't know, fucking Max and Lando. I don't know how it translates to the fucking track. I just know you have to be in Britain. Yeah, nobody ever calls it Britain. We should say. I guess. I don't know. in Britain. Yeah. Nobody ever calls it Britain, we should say.

I guess they do. I don't know. Anyway, it didn't work. Return flights were extremely expensive for. Did you look at a flying Norse? Norse Norse. Pretty cheap. Yeah, I looked at Norse Airlines and I ultimately decided I don't. I'm scared to.

You don't want to go down with the bird. Yeah, exactly. Right. And it was still $500 one way on Norris. And I was like, that's not worth it at all. It's a long flight to be as uncomfortable, as upright, as uptight, as the seats are on Norris. Yeah. So yeah, of course, not Norris. Of course, not Norris.

So now I guess I'll just stay home. I flew back on Norris when I was in London in May. And they don't have Wi-Fi so it's pretty boring flight. So I was sort of trying to keep preoccupied with the two options that they have, which is movies and in-flight food that you can order from your little screen. So you have to pay for all of it, right? Correct, yeah. So I ordered some snack platter thing, which had some pepperonis and cheese and crackers and stuff, and I ate them right before we landed.

And as we were landing, we were circling the airport, not landing. I'm like, I think I'm going to throw up. I feel so sick in my stomach between the nausea and like what I just ate. We landed and I like, I'm like, at this point I'm fairly certain I'm gonna throw up. So I grabbed the barf bag and I'm just like sitting in my aisle seat as everyone like stands up. It's so hot on the flight. There's like a crowd of people waiting to get off.

I'm like, I have to get to the bathroom. So like I stand up, I left my phone on my chair and I stood up and I'm like, excuse me I have to throw up. Sorry. Can I just get like I've like, you know, there's no room unless people get out of your way So I'm like, I have to sorry I have to throw up. Can you excuse me? I have to go to the bathroom This is after we landed. I go to the bathroom. Everyone's quiet. I'm hurling in the lavatory Flush the toilet I get I get out. Everyone's staring at the bathroom and the flight attendant's like, are you okay?

I'm like, I feel great now. And then everyone started laughing. Gotta hit him with that final joke. And I came back to my chair, phone was just still there. Somebody could have really taken advantage of my illness. And somebody came up to you and said, I loved you and super bad. I was McLovin to the entire middle class on a Norse flight.

I felt really bad when you were flying back because I had asked you to buy me a candy from England and I bumped that and Avital replied like, I mean,ir's actually on a flight back to go to our dog. Yeah, sick dog flying back early. Yeah. And you're like, if I could just get a gummy pig. Do you have any gelatinous pears or just stretch? And you know who bought me the Percy pigs? You know, who's my real one?

Will. Really? Yeah. Will Con one. Will. Really? Yeah. Will Conover. Will Conover got me some purses. When was he in London? Like last week. I wonder if he threw up on the plane. I'll have to ask.

I wonder if he housed a casing, just like a pepperoni here and a pepperoni there. Do you see everywhere a cured meat? It was a greasy cake, to be sure. Do you think you threw up because of the snack plate? I think it was the snack plate plus the circling, so it was like... Yeah. I probably could have handled one of those, too.

It was a tornado in your stomach of pepperoni and cheese. And outside his stomach. The turbulence, he was in the eye of the storm. The throw up felt great, because it's like when your stomach hurts and then you fart and it feels fine, you're like, I'm glad my body can figure this out for me. Yeah.

Sure. Let's get this over with. Over with. My Bond of the Week is Mason Ramsey. Mine's. Can we talk about mine? Or? He's all grown up.

The last time we saw Mason, he was 12 years old, 4 foot 1, on stage at the CMAs, sort of howling at the moon. And now he's becoming more of a Keith Moon because he's turning into a bad boy. And I'm wondering if he becomes a bad Bond. I don't think he would be good in the role, but let's give it to him anyway. Because he might even become... Grunty. Your choice of a Bond is...

a child that got famous for being a country singer in... Was it Walmart? That's correct, he was kind of a greeter, yeah, with his howling. Stop saying howling. He yodeled famous and got thus. He was signed to Big Loud, a boutique record company in Illinois. A Big Loud?

That was his record label. And now I'm wondering if he can go from singing Hank Williams to being James Bond. I don't think so. No, he's in the Angry Birds movie, too. Yeah. And he's also known as Mason Blake, which I don't exactly know why. The same exact summary of Wikipedia on Google. I don't know why he didn't also click on his article.

His real name is Mason Ramsey. So I don't know why the stage name would be also known as Mason Blake when that's not what he's known as colloquially. Amir, let's focus on Mason. Who is your bond, Amir? Oh, Tazonday. Who the hell is that? Yeah.

He was the viral celeb that sang Chocolate Rain. Oh, I know this guy. Yeah. He's 42. Wow. Wanna feel old? Tazonday, Tazonday. Mine's Justin Barini. The goat. Tays on day, tays on day.

Mine's Justin Guarini. The goat. The guac. They got to figure this shit out. I mean, Barbara Broccoli took the reins from Albert. And, oh my God. Albert what? Broccoli. Broccoli. We got a cat. And oh my Albert Wyatt, okay broccoli broccoli

We got a cat cat with a big butt That's what you said, oh my god, dude she just cuz she was like facing away from me and then she went She must have heard the dramatic chipmunk Sting. Da da da. No, Barbara's got to figure this shit out because again, I'm tired of this segment. I don't want it to be Aaron Taylor J. I want it to be fucking.

Oh, God, what's his name from Bridgerton? Reggae John Page. Reggie, yeah. No. His name is Reggae? It's R-E-G-E. It's not pronounced Reggie. Buffalo John Page. My hair position is G-E-O.

We'll take a break. We'll be right back. Why? We'll take a break, we'll be right back. Why? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guys, sometimes you really need to get something off your chest, right? Like for me, I've been wanting to tell Amir for years that it's not that I don't respect him as a comedian, it's that I don't respect him as a person,

right? But we all carry around different stressors, big and small, and when we keep them bottled up, it can start to affect us negatively, right? And that's why therapy is a safe space where you can get things off your chest and figure out how to work through with whatever is weighing you down. I'm in therapy every week. I would highly recommend it to anybody who has access to it, and better help makes it that much easier to get started. So if you're who has access to it and better help makes it that much easier

To get started so if you're thinking of starting therapy give better help a try It's entirely online designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge Get it off your chest with better help visit better help comm slash What's that today to get 10% off your first month again? That with better help. Visit better help dot com slash. What's that today to get 10 percent off your first month? Again, that's better help. H.E.L.P. dot com slash. What's that? Thanks. Better help. Didn't do it quite in time.

That one hurt my feelings, not feelings ears. But what's the difference, really? Yeah. When you said why before the break, did you mean why take a break or why come back from the break even? Why come back? I get that. Fucking... Welcome to you guys. Welcome to the improvised Jake Spear Company. It'd be funny if you played Jeopardy right now.

Like you had a full game plan. What is the water buffaloes? That's funny. We never really talked about the Jeopardy live stream on this. Shall we? Yeah, I mean, it was kind of a big production and then it came and went and you didn't really reference it on the podcast. How did you think it went? I thought it was a nine out of ten. All things considered, maybe eight and a half. I think, are you asking for my complaints?

What I wish would have gone different? Yeah, we can do like a postmortem. Like what went well, what went poorly. Yeah, and I'll take them to the actual postmortem that's on Friday. I think it could have been a little longer and I don't know. But I don't know why. You don't know why it should have been longer. Don't know why it should have lasted.

Because he skipped an entire section. I said to the producer booth, if I miss anything on the run of show, because I didn't have a fucking teleprompter. I'm not blaming you. I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying that's one reason why. I agree. But seconds before we went live, not even like an hour before where they could have

forgotten, seconds before we went live, I said, an hour before where they could have forgotten, seconds before we went live, I said, guys, if I forget any part of the run of show, just like wave and tell me, you're on mic, and it'd be like, you know, the whole thing can be chaotic, that's part of it. And they didn't mention it. And afterwards I was like, shit, I forgot to do that, like the questions segment.

And they were like, yeah, we didn't wanna say anything. I was like, you said you would. You said you would. It would have only added 10 minutes. I'm saying it would have been fun. Yeah. I think I think I can say that we accidentally made a mistake and listed the runtime longer than intended. And I think that pissed some people off.

It pissed one guy off. You don't have to apologize, you fucking refunded him. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. People that complained didn't, I think, ask for refunds at all. They just complained, which is another problem. But I thought it went well, I thought it was really funny. I was watching it in my office with my friend from out of town who I originally had plans with but when we moved the date, our plans had to become her sitting and watching me work

For an hour. Did she understand slash like what she saw, Jeopardy-wise? And did she understand or did she just plunder glands? She definitely understood. She also like it was my friend that helped sell merchants at our Chicago live show. So she's familiar with a J.C. Yeah. Yeah. And she's also a Jason because she's adjacent to Jason, meaning she has a buddy named Jason. Probably. I don't know.

Um, I... My girlfriend's parents were staying with us that week. So I had to ex... Like, and it's really hard to explain to... They're not my in-laws, but let's say the in-laws. Why I'm like, hey, like, I'm kind of busy this week. And they're like, oh yeah, for sure. Like, with what? And I'm like, it's... Yeah. Have you heard of Jeopardy? I think you could have just said a live stream for work.

And that's what I did. But that sounds not that time consuming or like it takes that much energy. But it did for me. And I'm still like cognitively off. Yeah, that's from the concussion or while But it did for me. And I'm still like cognitively off. Yeah. That's from the concussion or from birth. Or you said that so weird. Yeah.

No, yes. From the multiple concussions. I'm still on the long and winding road. What song is that? the long and winding road That lead What song is that? Yeah, we got to take another break why? You're on a trivia team, this is why yeah, we got to figure this shit out And we're back the long and winding road by the fucking Beatles. Oh, yeah, I hate the Beatles.

That's not my area. That's not my. I let everyone else handle Beatles questions. Gen Z's whole thing where they're like, the Beatles actually aren't that good. I'm like, that's the generation's worst take. Yeah, they are. I don't even think my complaint is that they're not that good. It's just not to my taste.

Okay. All right. All right. All right. Marika's on her comeback tour. Yeah, I think they're pretty overrated though. Amir, we are in the NBA offseason. The draft isn't even this week. You don't have to be on Twitter during this.

The draft is tonight. But I'm not. I make an actual complaint. Is it? Yes. I think I'm being silenced by Twitter. I really do. You're being shadow banned. Yeah. I really do. You're being shadowbanned. Yeah. And I like to the point where I looked up.

What a band, what a band, what a band, what a mighty shadow band. Nice, nice. There's websites that will tell you if your like like named as a coming up of search. No, thank God. Sorry, continue about your shadow. Yeah, we really have to get to the segment. Yeah, sure. I basically I haven't gotten. I haven't had a tweet that's hit over 20 likes in months, which I would say is abnormal for me.

And it's also like people that usually see my tweets aren't seeing my tweets. Yeah. And I've had some bangers and I like, I don't know. Can you read some of your bangers? Yeah, let's see. Yeah. Well, this morning I tweeted this morning was one of my so far 15 likes, not bad, should be more in my opinion. And it's when you email me, this is who you're emailing, by the way.

And for audio listeners, it's a picture of a really cute baby otter. Um... I think it's good. Uh, another one... Another one on the day of, or maybe it was the day after the Loewe Paris show, I tweeted, can I be a Loewe boy? Five licks. That should have gone viral.

I don't think so. It should have gone viral. I don't think you're being shadowbanned and I really was on your side. I don't know. The algorithm has changed. And more people are heading straight to that for you page. on your side. It's I. I don't know. The algorithm has changed and more people are heading straight to that for you page. Yeah, that's something is wrong. But so that should have it should have been on everyone's for you page because I said,

Lou, I was talking about it as in in zeitgeist. You're part of the fucking culture. Yeah, it's part of the conversation. The tweets that I get on my for you page are like, look at the way this guy hits on this girl. Here's how to do that, too. And then it's a thread and it's like eight million likes. Their their algorithm thinks everyone who watches the NBA is an insult. Mine reality, it's only 80% of people.

Yeah. And I'm ultimately, like, still active on Twitter because my free page is really good. And it shows me what I want to see, which right now is photos of Drew Starkey at the Loewe show in Paris, constantly. Every other tweet is a photo of Drew Starkey. Right. And I don't know who or what that is. Right. And I don't expect you to, but I'm tweeting to those people and they're not responding

and something's wrong. I'm tweeting to the film updates crowd. I deleted my Twitter because my algorithm got so bad. Mostly stuff like I mean. I can't believe you fully deleted your Twitter. I tweeted about you Jeff yesterday, did you know? No, what'd you say? Guess you don't know because you're not on Twitter. I don't want to be on Twitter. It was sure, I said this on the show but it kept showing me street fights and like just stuff and it's cuz I just fought, it was I mostly checked for the NBA and for jokes. And also a lot of comedians got off Twitter. So it was like less jokes, more NBA.

And then also the thing, whatever they think the algorithm wants me to see. All right. All right. One of the. How to hit on girls thread was about when Bobby Althoff interviewed Ryan Garcia, the boxer, and it's like, look at these nine examples of how he hits on her. And then the first one is, uh, he accuses her, which women really like. And all the responses are like, I don't want to be accused.

He accuses her. Basically, come at your date with a bunch of lies. Really accuse them. Don't ask them anything about themselves. Yell fear. It's a good insight into what the majority of people on Twitter are liking. Yeah. If there's one thing you can take away from Ryan Garcia's game,

it's that he's grunty. Okay, we gotta get to this fucking segment. Welcome to Improvised Shakespeare Company. Right, I remember doing that. You're familiar with the Improvised Shakespeare Company? Yeah. They improvise shows in iambic pentameter? Yeah. They do like improvised Shakespeare plays.

Yeah, we've already said that for you different ways. Got it. Well, this is the improvised Jake Spear company. We're going to improvise scenes from Jake's life that I assume. Okay, so basically who wants to be Jake for this first scene? I can try. All right, Amir is Jake. I'll be I'll be Jill.

All right. So let's this is this is a scene or then Marika, why don't you set up the scene? What's that? I thought you said that you had the scenes. No, I didn't say I had to improvise. No, it's improvised scenes. How am I setting up? Do you want a suggestion?

Yes. Can we get a fucking audience suggestion? By the way, listeners, none of this is scripted. All of this is fucking improvised. Yes. Really? We haven't even done anything yet. What kind of suggestion do you want?

Can we get an improvised suggestion? No, this is the suggestion of something that would happen around the house between Jake and Jill. That's so vague. Jake was making his favorite sandwich and was out of peanut butter. Okay. All right.

Have you seen the peanut butter? What? I said, have you seen the peanut butter? What? I said, have you seen the peanut butter? Are we out of it? I was hoping to make my favorite sandwich. I've always thought you're the cutest guy. That's why I married your ass. Thank you.

A house divided? My parents like your ass. Thanks, Jill. You don't you sound really weird. Is everything okay? I'm having a mental breakdown at the thought of our daughter not going to Yale. That's fine. She doesn't have to go to Yale. That's an issue.

Yeah, we're 20 years away from that. That's true. That's true. If she gets held back, is that what you want? My fears around you as a father figure is that you don't take Montessori education seriously. Grunt. Can I pause the scene? Yeah, no, we'll take. Please. Yeah, we can do backline support also, but we can also do notes.

Mostly just I don't understand where the Shakespeare comes in. I didn't say Shakespeare. I said Jake Spear. So you said you're familiar with improvised Shakespeare, where they do improv scenes and Iambic pentameter. This scene so far has been a tragedy. That's where the Shakespeare comes in. And by the way, if we were doing this as a live show, the whole thing would be in the round slash wrong.

Why? Can we continue? Why would it be in the round? What Shakespeare have you seen in the round? Let's just continue, can we? I want to know, what's the point? The point is to improvise Jake's fear! You guys are fucking mad at me when I don't have segments!

This is the best I could do this week! I think it's kind of fun! What about improvise Jake's fear? Alright, that's good. What kind of stuff is he afraid of? Or improvise Jake's fear? Like what kind of stuff is he afraid of? Or improvise Jake's beer? Like improvise him drinking a booze?

Okay, there we go. There we go. Okay, Marika, you be Jake and I'll be a bartender. And you're at fucking Bushwick Country Club or something. And you're coming up to the bar. Hey man, can I get an NAB? What? Non-alcoholic beer? How would your scene start with you saying one?

Just listen better. Oh, yeah, I think we have like an Odools. Is that really what you want? I prefer an athletic brewing company, but I'll take what I can get. We don't have that. We have a O'Douls Maybe or you can have a PBR which is basic. What do you mean maybe? Also isn't this a country club?

You seem drunk by the way. Why the attitude about the non-alcoholic? Because you are kind of stuttering. I just don't understand how this is a country club and you don't have anything except for PBR and Odools. Maybe. Wait, hang on, hang on. Polly, where do I know this guy from?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But were you in those AM PM commercials with Amir? Huh? Scene. You have to fucking say scene Amir when like there's a huge. I guess I'm curious to see how the sponsor. Ultimately, I didn't know about it all. All right, let's do one where I'll call this scene Amir. You're Jake naturally and Amir or sorry and America. this scene Amir, you're Jake naturally.

And Amir or sorry, and Marika, you're Amir. OK, this will be you guys arguing over the direction of the page down. OK. And Amir, feel free to treat this as therapy. I'm Jake on the Patreon. Yes, not on the Patreon. This is you guys right before you record a Jake and Amir watch Patre- Jake and Amir patreon.com forward slash J. And you know, you guys are just arguing about the direction of it.

All right, ready? No. Why? What's wrong? I'm sad. About what? This man. What's there to be sad about? I think it's going pretty well.

We haven't even started anything. Yeah, that's true. I just mean like globally, holistically, like what's wrong with what we're doing here? Everything. Can you be more specific? You're sounding like everything is wrong. This is bad.

Like, what exactly can I do? Can't a guy have a bad day? That's awesome. Scene. You're supposed to call it. day What's awesome Scene you're supposed to call it if there's a big laugh stop playing the song Delete the button footage Delete the button great. Let's do one more scene that clip one more god damn scene Improvise Jake spirit could have gone so much better if you guys leaned in.

I leaned into what? Life. You are giving us nothing. This show. And then your character just keeps saying what? Let's do another scene. I will not say what up top. OK. Amir, cast it.

And then Marika, give us a scene. All right. So Jeffrey is Jake this time. I'll be a. Marty. OK, crazy to like get a castless and then figure out what they're doing. You know, OK, I'm here. No no, Amir, give us a scene. With Jake and Marty. Yep. They are at a head gum retreat,

but they're both in line to use the bathroom at the same time. OK, it's really good. I would have never come up with that. Can I go first? I really have to pee. Oh, what? Sorry. What?

Yeah, I really have to be. Can I cut you in line? Yeah, I really have to be. Can I cut you in line? Yeah, fine. Actually, if you want, we can both sort of be at the same time. Cross stream style. You never grew up. I'm sorry, you never grew up past 22. Why do you think that?

I don't think it is. And everyone notices. Why do you think that? I don't think it. It is. And everyone notices. Do you see those people around the fire pit over there? Michelle Sam Mase, Angie Garcia, pile. Yeah, the Arkland. Yeah, they are gossiping about you. No way.

They were playing a game when I left. They're playing. They were playing a game when I left. They're playing, um, they were playing a game when you left. Yeah. And they've just changed it. So you stopped it in prophecy and to make us look at your cat trying to eat Cheetos. She thinks she's cute, but. She's so she called scene.

She called scene. That was improvised. Jake Spears is a fucking disaster because you guys didn't buy in one more segment. Yeah, from the GoFuckin Petco. Let's you guys didn't buy in. We have one more segment. Oh, but yeah, from the good fucking Petco. Let's you guys know. You guys know Anthony Bourdain. Yeah, man. He has this infamous quote, right?

Well, famous rather, because it's a good one. It goes as follows. It had a local restaurant tonight. Get the cream sauce. Have a cold pint at four o'clock in a local restaurant tonight. Get the cream sauce. Have a cold pint at 4 o'clock in a mostly empty bar. Go somewhere you've never been. Listen to someone you think may have nothing in common with you. Order the steak rare.

Eat an oyster. Have a Negroni. Have two. Be open to a world where you may not understand or agree with the person next to you but have a drink with them anyways. Eat slowly tip your server check in on your friends check in on yourself enjoy the ride. This feels like a quote from this show. but like a couple degrees off. And I wondered if we could kind of nail down what my Bourdain quote would be.

Can I run through what I think it might be? I think you should keep the cream sauce one, but yeah, you could change the other stuff. Or like what was the thing that you had written about in a Claire, like a cream hat? It's basically like a, you know, a long doughy rod with a cream hat. It's basically like a, you know, a long, uh, doughy rod with a cream hat of icing. Yeah. Maybe.

Ready? Yeah. Forget to tip at a local restaurant tonight. Order cream as a side. Have an ice cold pint at 9am in a mostly crowded meeting. Go somewhere that doesn't is. Listen closely to someone who may have hate in common with you. Order the steak and don't pay. Eat an oyster, eat the shell.

Have a Negroni, have nine. Be open to a world where you may enter a public arena with a gun. But have a drink anyways. Outpace the person next to you when you eat. Tip your server with advice. Check in on your glands, check in on your fans and enjoy the cream. I can't believe you wrote that.

You didn't. you wrote that. You definitely didn't. I meant to. I meant to and I could have come up with a better quote if I had written it pre. But everyone jumps down. That's kind of your whole thing. Yeah. Well, not really. Everybody jumps down my throat because they say all the show is is me having written stuff.

And then when I show up not having written anything, people are like, you didn't prepare. So, you know, I don't know what else to do. It's just a constant back and forth of like, what do we expect out of this experience? And it's never, you know, what the perfect song is for Headgum Live at Caveat, Headgum Happy Hour. Because the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Now I was going to say empty chairs at empty tables actually sold out multiple times. All right.

Plugs. Sell it up. You know a tight 45. I'm not going to have to edit much. Amir what do you have going on? What do you want to point the people towards? And if you don't have anything, you don't have to be that embarrassed. Follow Jeff on Twitter.

Weren't you and Jake? Could use the help, right? Some of your sort of shadow band anyway. Would be a waste at this point. I don't know about that Would you say weren't you and Jake what weren't you and Jake gonna write a fucking musical or something what happened to that? Yeah, we keep talking about it There's all these like other more pressing issues We need to get fired or lose every other source of income so we can really buckle down and focus on a musical to write

Yeah, I know that I know that he got what do. Am I wasting your time? Are you not entertained? I gave Jake some librettos to read, so he's doing research. And that's like voice lessons. It doesn't have to be in the musical. It needs to be us. It needs to be us.

Having it had to be you was a musical, by the way. Oh, there you go. There you go. Yeah. Follow me on Twitter, like all my tweets, retweet me, send it to your friends. I think the Otter one is pretty good. I feel like that's kind of a universal feeling. So maybe that's a good one to share with people. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's kind of it. Listen to other HeadGum podcasts.

Listen to Hollywood Handbook. Listen to Seek Treatment. Listen to Too Scary Didn't Watch. Sit with a friend. Order the cream sauce. Download the Dough Boys. Only eat sides. Unlead your bread. No bun. Orderlead your bread. No bun. Order a Negroni or maybe nine white Russians.

Sign a lease. Never show. Fur release. Never worn. Get your vitamin C from a serum. And we'll see you guys again next week. I don't have any plugs this week guys. I don't I don't want this to be a one-sided

relationship. Just have fun. I guess that's my plug. Enjoy your week. That stars. That's all yeah, it's kind of me. I was trying something new where I kind of cared about the audience and you guys just stared daggers at me. Really? That's cool.

Yeah. It's nice to show kindness to people, right? That like other time. Yeah. That was a Hidgum Original.