The Headgum Podcast - 217: Johnny's Lawyer (w/ Jacob Dysart!)

Episode Date: August 16, 2024

Johnny's lawyer (Jacob Dysart) joins Johnny, Marika, Saige, Emma, and Geoff to discuss Prettywack Industries' recent legal woes, the currency of chill hangs, and serial accidental cheating.Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gum original. Previously on the Head Gum Podcast. Per the Independent, scientists warn that stopping toddlers napping could be dangerous. So? What's that? So what? How? Dangerous how?

What is that? Well, I didn't read the whole article. Dangerous for who? The fucking parents, because of the rage of the tyke. When I was three, I threw a dish at my daddy. So, Jake, this is why Jeff wanted you here. This is why he was so adamant about you not being able to leave. There's no way.

He heard the rhyme, he can get out of here. None of us have kids. none of us are with child here Is that safe to say? With child means pregnant so. I know but that's even that would be a little bit closer to having a dangerous fucker. Just feel free to project even if you clip Terrible. Got it. What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that?

What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? Guys, it's that Thursday feeling, right? TGIT TGITH.

I just want to try and steer us in the right direction, which is towards joy and away from division. All right? Contrary to some 90s bands would want you to believe. Aw. We've got... What's that? I said aw. Joy, division. Who's the reference you're making.

I saw a sign yesterday. I was talking about Oasis. Taste Joy. Taste Joy? What brand was it for? It was for a bubble tea restaurant. That's good. Whatever, yeah.

Donald Glover opened a boba tea cafe in Silverlake, but he didn't really make a big to do of it. And I feel like the only point of opening something like that as a celebrity is to use your power to get people at the storefront. Have you tried it? I haven't, but I truly fear for Donald. I worry that, I think it's called Jelly Man,

I don't think anybody's gonna get over to there unless they know that it was opened by a Gambino of sorts, Childish or otherwise. I think people know I know You know and you don't even live in Los Angeles. Yeah Talked about it. He was like on a press tour for a television show. He was on he talked about it It's all the video. Okay, so he is he is plugging it. I just feared that he wasn't I mean, that's really kind of you to be worried about him We've got Marika Brownlee on the sax sage Gibson on the facts

Emma Foley bringing up the rear and special guest Johnny luxury villa Johnny also brought His own guest which I've never heard it's kind of like subletting you brought your you were you are a guest But you also brought your own guest What should I say Let's let's go for it. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead and introduce me. I think it's all good Johnny yeah, and This is my lawyer Jacob. Hi happy to be here lawyer. Yeah, great to meet everybody here for pretty whack obviously

Okay, so you're still talking about the industries. Yeah, still talking about it as if it's a corporate entity It absolutely is a corporate entity We're at what? What's up? What's up? I just I wanted to kind of speak directly to your attorney. How much is he paying you if at all? I'm being very well compensated. No way. But in a, with promises. So basically, you know, as Pretty Whack develops

into an industry spanning behemoth, I've been assured that I'm gonna make millions. But also in the meantime, he's paying me in hanging, chilling, just stuff that I'm pretty into, honestly. Paying you in hanging and chilling? Yeah. So you have to spend more time with Johnny?

You got really happy when you said hanging and chilling. Yeah, it's awesome. Also, I don't know how to like- No, it's not awesome! Lawyers are paid like hundreds of dollars an hour usually. Also, like that's just friend stuff. It's not compensation. And when you like asked him for counsel initially,

the response was, go ahead and introduce me. Like it was a big, like a big reveal of some, like, like you were... Yeah, like it could be against the law. Yes, well, Johnny's trying to be very, very careful right now because of... Way too careful. Because of some ongoing litigation against Pretty Wack Industries, so... Yeah. But, you know...

Ongoing? Yes. Already? You launched it like three weeks ago. Yeah, but off the first episode when I talked about all our endeavors, people got angry. Yeah. Who's suing you, Disney? Well, there's some communities, some townships.

Communities? I mean, should we go over the situation, Johnny? Yeah, I think we should. I think it's good to be transparent, even if it is kind of breaking a few laws. You're being opaque, but speaking as if you're being honest. Let's give the whole situation, and I'll try to make this statement as you're away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So as some people may know, Pretty Whack Industries has eggs in a lot of different baskets, right? We're talking pharmaceuticals, consumer nuclear, yeah, music as well, you know, some really exciting musical projects. But, and animal testing, of course,

is a huge umbrella cover for a lot of us. I don't remember the consumer nuclear thing at all. Three out of four the worst sectors you could possibly venture into. Consumer nuclear? Yes. Not even energy it seems like. It's a money maker.

Have you made any money off of it? Not as of yet. And when we do we will start paying Jacob. I promise you. I'm really, I'm really excited. I feel like as your lawyer you should stop him from saying I promise you. I'm really, I'm really excited. I feel like as your lawyer, you should stop him from saying, I promise you to people. Yeah, that's a very, very good idea.

But if he's promising things to me, I'm going to allow it. He's promising it to us, to everyone in the room that he was going to start making money off of nuclear weapons. This company is barely private. And when he made his pitch three weeks ago, it's kind of being like, we're going to be public ASAP. That we were all going to be shareholders.

Yeah. We weren't. We were employees. Yeah. Well, that was also the confusing part of it. Is it a co-op? Is it a publicly traded company? Or is it just like Johnny's startup that is like venturing into music, but also things that harm humanity? Well, it's extremely cooperative There's a lot of cooperation between the customers between the captains of the company Johnny Johnny above all of them. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. And

Johnny, Johnny, above all of them. Yes, thank you, thank you. And yes, there are some sectors that harm humanity, but we believe actually that if you're really serious about changing the world, you have to get into some of the most disgusting and horrible sectors of finance and global influence. It just, you know, if you ever hope to change anything. Exactly.

We could sit from the sidelines couldn't we and say oh? Animal testing is wrong. Oh consumer nuclear is wrong or We could get involved ourselves and try to make change while making tons and tons of money So still doing animal testing but doing it a little better Or I mean well of course to start out you have to do it worse than everybody else Or, I mean, well, of course, to start out, you have to do it worse than everybody else to make money. So that's what I was worried about.

When you're in the red, you have to kind of do, make do, as it were. And that's sort of the legal case that Johnny's embroiled in right now. Yeah. That we should get into. So, pharmaceutical wing of Pretty Whack Industries, right? Fixer, we all know the drug Fixer.

The miracle pill. It's really amazing. It'll sort of make you do everything. We're talking sexual function, mental, brain, extreme excitement, as well as just sort of a physical emboldenment and spiritual clarity as well. It's a huge drug for any and all conditions. Basically- He's so proud of it.

Yeah, and also, can we narrow down what drug class it's in? Because it really just sounds like it's an amphetamine. Class S, as in super. It's an S-tier pharmaceutical. Yes. That's just pro-science, I think. Is it over-the-counter?

Oh yeah, it's over any counter. Oh, wow. No, she, over-the-counter is a specific legal term. Can you get it at a CVS, at a Duane Duane Reid or is it just something that is handed to you illicitly over a marble top? I won't say illicitly because it is damning legally Great in sync John. I love you, dude. Yeah Everything is so, it's your ladies and gents. It's no way.

This is a bad working relationship. I love hanging with this guy. I don't know if it is a working relationship. There's again, no exchange of goods other than hanging out. Hanging and chilling. I'd say it's working because we're still friends. No, that's not what that means.

Also- He's like, this is such a small thing, but he sits so casually for an attorney. I'm also thinking that. I'm a chill lawyer, Jeffrey, that's sort of my whole thing. That's what I'm worried about. I shouldn't be sitting the same way as Johnny's lawyer. I'm not.

Emma, I know you're barely on mic, but do you have any thoughts or are you loving this? I'm loving it, Jeff do you have any thoughts or are you loving this? I'm loving it, Jeff. Those are my thoughts. Got it. All right. Well, we'll keep checking in with Johnny's lawyer. And what's your name again? I'm Jacob. So yeah, all right. Let's just get this segment over with. My Bond of the Week is Charlie XCX because it's time for a James Bratt. So loud. My Bond of the Week is Charlie XCX, because it's time for a James Bratt.

Nice. You're getting worse. The rhyme. Nice? Well, yeah, because you went on out of rhymes. Only so many things. We did Skyler Gisbondo. We did... Oh, I saw him.

Yeah, I did. I saw him by the office a few weeks ago. Like a month ago, yeah. Changed my life. And you need Square. I think he by the office a few like a month ago. Yeah change my life And you walking past a Joe in the juice He kept circling the Joe in the mask up on his forehead A few times I was wearing sunglasses So I could really stare right at him and confirm it was him and then I did and it was life-changing You got up close

Juzando for lack of a better term. Yeah Who's your bond of the week Emma? Samantha Jones, I've been rewatching sex in the city and loving it Do you feel like you live a sex in the city life or do you you know um? No, not in particular. Yeah, that was a question wasn't it? It's a good your face My bond of the week is Jennifer love hewitt Mmm, poor quah. I just like her. She is awesome.

No way. No way what? No, it's just, that's your reasoning is that you like her. I would love to see her be Bond. It would be amazing. How does a love Hewitt Bond go? I don't know, she just like is beautiful and fights crime. I guess that is what James Bond is, huh?

What about you, Johnny? I think, uh, Jacob would be great as Bond. So you want him to be James Bond? You want him to be your fucking litigator? Yeah. No, don't be flattered. The Bond thing, like, take away time from the... I think it would be all right.

He'll just give me some counsel, like, just kind of give me some paperwork a checklist really Oh of things to follow and you can just go on filming in fucking Italy Florence Rome this is better than any cash payment Johnny is just having your confidence and and just love as a friend in your number one chiller Right, so you're like having someone think you could be double oh seven or than like thousands of dollars a day. Yeah, this is what I'm in it for.

It's just the vibes, just positivity. This is huge. Yeah, I'm tired of the buttoned up lawyers. I need someone who's chill. So did you ever have one of those? Could you ever afford them? No, obviously not. I'm in the red 10 times over. Marika. I'm going to go. Ten times over. Um... Marika?

I'm gonna go with M. Night Shyamalan. So I think it would be really funny if he directed a Bond film but then made himself Bond. You want Shyamalan to wear too many hats. Well he always kind of, he always puts himself in his movies as like a fun little role. Yeah. Usually it's a cameo

though. You want him to be the leading man? Yeah, a James Shum That's really good. There we go. I don't think Jacob who do you got? Oh my bond it definitely mr. Beast No offense to Johnny, but he's my favorite client. I love Mr. Beast. Yeah. Favorite, you also represent Mr. Beast? Absolutely, yeah. So why didn't you mention that when we were talking about your compensation? You must be a millionaire. Look, well I'm not trying to brag but yeah I've got some pretty high-profile clients. Allows me to be more chill as a lawyer. And I'm mostly a vibes hire.

So yeah, I'm, I'm with the boys with, with beast, you know, I'm blown up boats and you know, expanding billions of Orbeez, just stuff like that. That's, that's what I'm about. It's a lot of legal risks. You take on high risk, seemingly low reward clients., and that's that's why I'm riding high And I I only have three roommates at the moment That's a lot Two I feel like is the average so having three is more than normal

Well, that's interesting Yeah, are you like staying in a hype house then? Yeah, a lot of us are making content. So you're also making content as a lawyer? Oh, sure. Absolutely. Yo, definitely. I'm making TikToks. I'm trying to get a really aesthetic body, and so I'm documenting like a fitness journey right now. Adam, are you taking anabolic steroids?

Are you taking Fixer? Look, I'm getting, as part of my compensation package, I'm getting a really generous supply of Fixer. To be completely open with everybody. I don't think you should be as a lawyer. I think you don't want to be completely open with everybody. I don't think you should be as a lawyer. I think you don't want to be completely open with everybody. Yeah, I wish you'd be less open. Yeah, Fixer is doing a lot for me. I'll just say that.

Sage, can you just speak to the idea of joy for a second? Oh, God. Where do I start? I would love to be joyful. And it sounds like it would be beautiful. Have we talked about Six Flags? That was the moment I saw you in pure bliss. Pure joy. We went to Six Flags last week.

Me, Johnny, Marika, Gianna and Emma. Oh, I can't believe you haven't heard about this. But we have to show the pic. Yeah. And we went crazy. Wait, did you just... Did you just say we went Mason? Nope. Crazy.

Was Mason the word of the day? Mason's the word of the day. And I just said it, so I guess I got it. Like a brick Mason? Yeah. Yeah, we went free Mason at Six Flags. That's cool. Yeah, we had a great time Went on Kingda Ka How was that together? It was Sage's first time?

Some hair ties were lost. My headband was sucked off my head by the heir or by a stranger. Well, Johnny, you said we're going to go to Kingda Ka, right? Yeah, we will go to Kingda Ka when you're in New York. I'll drive you down, kind of just leave you there. Also, the important thing we should talk about is that Johnny picked us up in an 11 passenger van Five of us total but three to start we drove to Gianna's house picked her up better parents

Was really beautiful moment for all of us and Yeah, and we met Johnny's parents, too Yeah, they welcomed us into there. Not even you can say that you call me your friend. I've met your parents I met your parents after the Gramercy Theatre show Right after I doxed your phone number and told people to call it in front of an audience of 400 And also talked to told the story of how you lost your virginity. Yeah, and they did not like me Yeah, you said you kept saying that you're like, I think they found you a certain charm about you And I was like, I really think your dad glared at me Miracle you and I have been talking about Jacob's pickles. Yeah

Jacob I wasn't expecting you but this is the perfect segue. What are your pickles? My pickles, I love a spicy pickle sort of a crisp a crisp one, you know coolness You know a physical coolness is definitely needed, but I need a kick Of course. Yeah, so temperature cool, spice hot. Yes, you're nailing it. And then, I don't know, a sauce. We need a sauce element. Like a goshtujang.

A pickle? Why not? I think, yeah, maybe like a garlic aioli. Exactly. It'd go really well with the pickle. Something kind of mayonnaise infused. Yeah, mustard. Basically treating it as if the pickles were fried,

but without the dough. Right. You looked at us like we were on the wrong side of history. Yeah. I just wasn't talking to you. I thought you were going for another fist bump. Why not? I love this dude.

Yeah. I don't associate like dipping a pickle into something because it already has flavor imbued as the cucumber or whatever vegetable it is. But what about like pickles that you would get as part of banchan at like a Korean barbecue restaurant? Like a pickled radish? I'm just eating those.

Afraid not. Emma? What was the question? No question, just trying to involve your ass a little bit more, I'm worried you're checking emails. Sorry. I went to Taco, you were, so you were on Slack. I went to Taco Bell Cantina last night, has anybody here been?

Yeah, you can get a frozen margarita from there. A Baja Blast frozen concoction with a shot or nine of Takiki. I thought you were gonna say it or not. You can just keep adding shots on the screen. It's like, it should be against the law, I think. Yeah, you're probably right. But they had tight security.

Wow. Ours are kind of like everywhere and just kind of open. Yeah, there's one by my house that does not have tight security. Yeah. Hmm, interesting. They're one of my favorite clients. Taco Bell. No way.

Yeah. So Mr. Beast, Taco Bell Cantina and Johnny. Yeah, those are the three big ones right now. Yeah, I was helping them draw up contracts to get the unlimited shot adding feature added to the kiosks. So, a huge liability. Yeah, absolutely. I'm...

On TikTok, my name is Mr. Liability. If you want to look me up, if you want to see my workout videos. I thought you made, yeah, fitness content. Yeah. Look. Look. I'm not just one thing. That's what I'm worried about, is that you're not focused. I'm an just one thing. That's what I'm worried about, is that you're not focused. I'm an insanely chill lawyer. I take fixer twice a day. I work out obsessively.

I'm really interested in the podcast space. I wanna hang out. Okay, these are just, this is the mosaic of my life. It's a tapestry of nonsense. It's stringing together shit That's unrelated to the last which by the way is what a human life is like bro No, I agree that it's what a human life is like I worry that it's also what the blueprint for pretty whack is fixer

music nuclear power What an interest in the podcast industry? and an interest in the podcast industry. Yeah, also trying like weird takedowns of corporate entities like Disney for not serving burgers when they do have properties, including the parks, the restaurants at the parks that serve food everywhere throughout the world. But have you had a Disney burger? Yes! No, they don't have Disney burgers. So it's a nominative thing. I'm worried that you're spreading yourself thin I'm worried that You're smiling too much through

tragic corporate structural issues I really couldn't disagree more I feel that the insane structure of pretty whack and it's incredibly unwise liability-filled ventures, they reflect something fundamentally truthful about the human experience. And I think that's why consumers are going to flock to Pretty Whack in unprecedented numbers. They're going to say, this is where I want to go. This is where I want to go for my animal testing.

This is where I want to go for my consumer nuclear. You know, that reminds me of the newsletter that pretty wax sent out last week We said let me pull it up. It said pretty whack industries mirrors the human experience Bad human experience is bad, and we're gonna make it better with chill vibes hangs and promise you just said it pretty whack mirrors And you just said it pretty whack mirrors the Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry the fist bump thing was super crucial

Awful, so you're saying like mirrors to the human experience colon bad So pretty whack is also bad, so you're not making it better with chill vibes. It's bad right now. I think we can all agree that life kind of sucks. For sale, not a station wagon, but a little red wagon. Grew into a big red wagon that goes 60 miles an hour. Mileage just over 57,000. They took it on road trips. Basic interior with two seats and a steering wheel made out of a garden cart wheel.

I love genie movies. I'll miss it and I'll miss the fun of driving. It is just so much fun to take somebody for a ride and seeing people's reactions to you. Other cars sometimes even follow it. Then we started yelling at our grandma to drive after it. Now owner judy foster does. Her husband built the radio flyer 14 years ago on the chassis of this 1976 Mazda pickup. When Judy's husband recently passed away, she decided it was time to pass on the wagon. It's up for auction at Alaska Premier Auctions. Co-owner Nick Klein says, why buy an expensive Ferrari? This one will get you more eyeballs than any of those at a fraction of the price. They're guesstimating 10 to 15 thousand dollars. Eight foot handle included. It's four cylinder

Mazda engine runs on regular gas. In the movie Radio Flyer, two brothers turned their wagon into an airplane. No way revving the engine. At least a handful of fans have built their own Radio Flyer cars. Just riding in a Radio Flyer wagon makes me feel younger. Judy was even invited to drive her Flyer around the Charlotte Motor Speedway. You made that?

Yeah. All right. I've laughed and said you can't be in the witness protection program and drive me a car. If you're craving attention, hit your wagon to this store. Genie Moose, CNN, New York. This Genie Moose segment comes with some sad news, or should I say sad moose?

As of June 29th, 2024, Jeannie Moose retired as a CNN news correspondent. Good. Oh, man. She's been a staple of this show for about two years. She has crafted the least relevant news stories during three important news cycles in the past couple of years.

She said, I'm the shy retiring type, so I'm retiring shyly. She died the way she lived. Dead to me, dead to Reich. Was that her last article? That was not her last article, but she did give out her personal email, which is d***. Don't. We have to bleep that. Don't we?

No, she gave it out. I know. On her own Twitter. Still advertising. I'll bleep it, but I do. I know. On her own, yeah. Still advertising. I'll bleep it, but I do wanna try and get her on the show. We should.

I don't wanna count chickens before they hatch, but Pretty Whack is in talks with Genie Moose. What? As a consultant right now. For what? We don't do, Pretty Whack isn't doing moves. No, I really like that you said we. Now you got Sage saying that.

I really like you talking in those terms. Let's just, let's take a break. We gotta regroup after Sage is fucking being brainwashed. We'll be right back with a couple segments. Stay tuned, don't think you work at Pretty Whack. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp, right? Now, I have a lot of things sponsored by BetterHelp, right? Now, I have a lot of things that I simply can't let slip through to make sure that I'm doing the self care I need

to make it through the weeks, right? I mean, for me, it's taking a nice scalding bath. It's also going on brisk walks every evening as the sun sets over the canyon, right? But when your schedule is packed with kids activities, big work projects, and more, it's easy to let your priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it's hard to make time for it. But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever. I'm in therapy every single week and it's one of my self-care staples. And I never let it slip.

I always show up for the appointment. I always feel better after having had. So if you're thinking of giving therapy a try, start with BetterHelp, because it's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your needs. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day

with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash what's that today to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's BetterHelp. Thanks Better Hope. OK. Stop doing that. It's way too loud. Right? I don't like how into it the lawyer is. Everyone hates it. My lawyer loves it. That's why I hired him. We can tell. Welcome to LeBron or Jeff, James edition.

Nice. These are gonna be quotes from either LeBron James, arguably the greatest basketball player of all time, or me. Arguably. The brownest host of all time. Okay. Do you guys get it?

I'm gonna read out a quote and you have to attribute it to either LeBron or me. Yes. And this is for actual cash. How much? How much would you think is fair 50 bucks a question 500 so much It's crazy that I said that high of another and sage was like let's do 500 Well, she knows you negotiate it up. Yeah, she knows that you ultimately will accept it. Five dollars a question. Five.

Do you have to win to get it or any question you get right, you get five dollars. Disqualified, sorry, Sage can't get any cash. It's because of the frost examination. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, here we go. I don't know how tall I am or how much I weigh because I don't want anyone to know my identity. I'm like a superhero.

Call me Basketball Man. You, Jeffrey, for sure. Yes. That's it. It's clearly the Bronj. That was an actual quote from the Bronj. No way. Oh my God.

I'm Basketball Man. Yeah. You know, I'm just six foot nine and 260 and just so happened to be very good at playing the game of basketball LeBron He said both of those things Yep, very cool The only flag I ever bared growing up was the one that my dad forced me to hoist up my school's flagpole. It was all white with black text that read, Jeffrey James is a born loser.

Jeff. It's probably you. Correct! I could tell by hoist just so we all. Yeah. And then if we couldn't tell it was also Jeffrey James is a huge loser. Yeah. Do you want to unpack that, Jeff?

I wouldn't mind us offlining about it for a few hours. Yeah. But maybe not on the record. Yeah, got it. Let alone in front of Emma. Oh, we're here. If you need to talk, let me know. Don't worry, Jeff. I am doing my own thing.

Don't worry, Jeff. I don't respect you. Not gonna hear. I am doing my own thing. Don't worry Jeff, I don't respect you. Not gonna hear. I met LeBron once because I'm from Cleveland, and he's from Cleveland. His old high school played my high school in football. And so everybody was like mobbing him trying to get like a fucking autograph. And I gave him a five dollar bill, and I was like, because it was the only thing I had to sign, and I was like, you know, you and I have the same last name. And he didn't say anything.

Jeff. Yeah. Oh, I thought that was part of the quote. I mean, technically that's correct. I really need five bucks. I laugh and joke, but I don't get distracted very easily. LeBron, for sure. I hear my friends and my mom tell me I'm special, but honestly, I still don't get it.

LeBron. Correct. Wow, a lot of positive quotes from LeBron. For me, confidence starts... What's that? No, nothing, nothing. For me, confidence starts with survival skills. If you can build a fire using just flint, tinder, and a pine mountain java log fire

starter, you can do almost anything. Jeff. Both. Johnny's absolutely correct. I just quoted him though when I said it. Sometimes I'll stub my toe on purpose just to get some attention and sympathy, especially during a time when someone else is being praised.

I cannot handle that kind of shit. It's definitely you. That's correct. You've acted this way in the past. Alright keeping in line with the corporate side of things here, you guys have to invoice me if you want me to pay you. Alright, that's fair. Lawyers loving it.

That's how you know it's a good track. My lawyer was just in Miami actually. What's that? He was in Miami the other day. I'm addicted to music. I can't hear anything. It's so long. None of what they said was worth it, so don't worry.

That was LeBron or Jeff, James edition. And welcome back to another edition of Cheating or Nah. Guys, in this weird hyper socio-liberal nonsense weird hyper socio-liberal nonsense open relationship this. I've never had sex before that. People are cheating constantly and not even realizing it, I think. So this segment is. I think.

I'm gonna list out actions that one could do while in a relationship, and you guys have to kind of debate and come to a consensus over whether it's cheating or not. Okay. All right, ready? Do we all understand, Emma? Yes. I understand. Okay.

Going behind your partner's back repeatedly to meet up with another person and have sex with them. Safe. Fine. You think it's fine? You think that's fine? You're not cheating. repeatedly to meet up with another person and have sex with them. Say, fine. You think it's fine? You think that's fine? You're not cheating. Okay. Do we have to debate?

I mean, you don't have to, if nobody opposes what you just said. We all agree. I would say that's cheating. It's cheating unless there's an arrangement in place that that's okay. Yeah. It's only cheating if they find out. That is cheating. There's an arrangement in place that that that where that's okay Yeah, it's only cheating if they find out That is true, okay

Well, do you really love them Because if you don't it's not cheating Yeah, you don't really have an emotional investment exactly if it's nothing if it means nothing Right. Oh, you mean if you don't love the person you have sex with yeah Nothing, you know, that's what people say and they they're right. It's part of the human experience. I think whoever is In the relationship that that you're going behind their back or whatever They would have to agree that that was okay. And if it was okay, it wouldn't be cheating. If it wasn't okay, then it would be cheating.

So they have to go in front of their back? No. It seems like a really traditional viewpoint. Through the abdomen? Ultimately just creating mutual boundaries with each other and agreeing on them. But if those boundaries weren't set, then I guess it's kind of fair play. If the boundaries aren't set, then I guess kind of set, then it's

definitely cheating. You never told me not to cheat. I didn't want to bring this up, but just I don't want to bring this up. But Johnny, your lawyer has a tan line where a wedding ring seemingly used to be. Mm hmm. Yeah. I want to talk about that. It's pretty fresh. Yeah. It's OK. You don't really have to, I talk about that. It's pretty fresh. Yeah It's okay, you don't really have to talk too much about it I know that I don't want to kill the kill your vibe because your vibe is so awesome

Is this why you were in Miami? Yeah, Miami Yeah, basically. Yeah, Miami was really much needed after some heavy heavy should have been going through Jesus yeah, it's an interesting game for me to be playing because after some heavy, heavy shit I've been going through. Jesus. Yeah, it's an interesting game for me to be playing because you saying people like accidentally cheat all the time without knowing it, and that's basically the story of my life. I've basically cheated dozens of times, and I had no idea each time.

And I feel like I've basically been crucified by my now ex-wife. Because of stuff I just had no idea I was doing. Do you have a good divorce lawyer? What's like? I would say I'm representing myself. What's the most innocent? Would you say you're representing yourself or are you representing yourself? You would say he is.

I'll have to consult with my lawyer and get back to you. Right, yeah, you just need a minute. What's the most innocent thing you did that you didn't think was cheating, but was? I would say meeting up behind the back of my partner for sex. Yeah, but it meant nothing. Yes, it meant nothing. It's like, baby, we have to talk about this. If that's a boundary for you,

I'm telling you, it means nothing to me. It's just illicit dirty sex from a dating app and a little app. So incredibly premeditated. It wasn't like a dalliance where you were drunk and it was like, it meant nothing. It was like- And you're even admitting that you have to set the boundary,

which is the thing that you need to do beforehand, not after. And yeah, basically I feel like I'm just getting completely crushed for just making tons and tons of mistakes. So, I just... I'm sorry. All right. You shouldn't run a company.

When your partner makes an appointment with an OBGYN. That's obviously not cheating. Sorry, I don't appreciate the giggly. Going to it is where you draw the line, Emma. Yeah, I agree with that, I agree. Is it behind my back? I think it's in front of your chest. You have to oversee.

Yeah, you have to go back to the drawing board. Are they using ZocDoc? I think they're using MyChart. I think MyCh using my chart. I think my chart's okay because they don't have profile pictures for the doctors. Everything's a data. Part of your problem was that you were actually using ZocDoc for your hookups behind your X, Y, S back. Yeah, like I'm extremely attracted to smart individuals. And yeah. So you like to go brains first?

I'm sepia-sexual. You don't even want to see the picture? Sleeping in the same bed as someone other than your partner, but you also end up 69ing. I've learned recently that this is apparently cheating. All right, your partner gets a mammogram and the radiologist doesn't even touch her. It's cheating, right? It's cheating. If x-rays are involved.

Cheating at your job. I think cheating at your pleasure. But isn't a mammogram like a... It's a machine. But your doctor should touch you. a mammogram like a machine? But your doctor should touch you. You're talking about a breast exam? Not a not a breast exam like the the machine that like squishes them.

Yeah, exactly. Then maybe she doesn't need to touch. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I says mammogram, but the doctor doesn't even touch him. So like maybe a concerning doctor's appointment, but not cheating. Oh, I don't know. The doctor doesn't even touch him. Cheating. So like maybe a concerning doctor's appointment, but not cheating.

I don't know. If the doctor doesn't touch him, then that's like not physical cheating, but I think it could be emotional cheating. If you have a prior sexual relationship with the doctor. Medical imaging is just disgusting. All right, having a second family. Fine.

The more family the better, family's the spice of life. Mm-hmm. Sage has a fucking... Sage has like, fully transitioned. Tarrytown, Cold Spring, Poughkeepsie, Kingston, Hudson, families all up and down the Hudson Valley. For sure. All right.

Yeah. When your partner gets a pap smear and you're worried the swab is bigger than your dick It seems like it's my answer Yeah, sorry Sage I was just gonna say it seems more like Your own self-conscious. It's not you personally but like I was gonna say this one's not cheating. Yeah, okay good It's emotional cheating though cuz like now I definitely feel inadequate you keep saying emotional cheating

I really think you don't understand the term. I did kind of just learn the term Stop him from talking about these kinds of things. Yeah, you've gotten really lax with like policing what Johnny does or doesn't say I have an unorthodox Legal approach I'm Mr. Liability. I'm saying let's get everything out there. Let's have everybody see us for exactly who we are. And maybe we can start, you know, just like, I don't know, just some generosity, some realness among people.

I'm trying to change the world through law. So many CEOs are so fake nowadays. They just gotta put on this facade. But this is who I am. I don't think that's people's biggest complaints with big CEOs is that they're not forthcoming with who they really are as people, personality-wise. Some people think, oh, you gave fixer to a corral full of animals for animal testing. And then they got into consumer nuclear and they caused a meltdown and

Now several townships have irradiated water and they think oh the person who's doing this isn't even a real guy He's just an asshole who runs a company and I'm saying let's go on a podcast. Let's get real Let's share opinions on cheating. You know, let's let's have fun. Let's chill out Let's fist bump and maybe people are seeing that you're just a real guy You just make mistakes like everybody else everybody makes mistakes. They cheat they get addicted to fixer steroids They do crazy stuff, but you know, they're real at the end of the day. I mean, I'm making mistakes. Come on I think Johnny has become publicly more hateable since this, since we pressed record. The shit-eating grin, the fist bumping, yeah. And the missing of the fist bumping also, I think is like Zuckerberg ass.

It's okay, I kinda want it more than he does, so he leaves me hanging, but it's okay. Yeah. All right, seducing your partner's best friend to purposefully ruin her two closest relationships because you're jealous that their gynecologist saw what only you should see. Yeah, I guess that was long,

but it's cheating for sure. No way. Wait, how does the best friend factor into the gynecologist? Wasn't it that they cheat together? You seduce your partner's best friend so that her relationship and her best friend both fall apart in the same act.

Because she went to the gynecologist, yeah. Oh, because. Got it. No, I got lost at first too. I'm sorry, that was my bad. But you're doing it because you're jealous of their OB because they saw what only you should see. Which has nothing to do with the best friend.

Unbended me while hers are wearing stirrups. It's crazy how you're just describing like real life situations for me. This happened to you? Yeah. You sabotaged, it feels like you ruined someone's life. My own, clearly, because my wife will fucking forgive me for just some mistakes I've been making a lot. Ex-wife. Yeah, ex-wife we would say. Also, is your ex-wife anyone notable? Is it someone we might know? Daisy Edgar Jones.

Whoa. I miss you. She made it on Daisy Edgar. He was crazy for Daisy. No way. Well, but she has all those things with Paul, Miss Gull, so like, that was like a whole bullshit. That's just, she knows how to be a business person.

Yeah, she fucking hates them just privately. I don't think they hate each other. I think they're friends. She said it means nothing, I swear. And you gotta take somebody at their word when they say that. Yeah, totally, exactly. That sounds kind of fishy, obviously.

Exactly. What about a breast self-examination? Is that cheating? I think that's cheating. I'm not gonna try to argue. No one's gonna argue it. I think it is cheating. I disagree, but it feels pointless

to really get into it. Guys, we've made it to the end of the, my rope in terms of patience for this, I guess, nonsense coming in from a legal perspective. Mr. Liability, which by the way, are you one of those lawyers that pays for billboard space? That's a good question. He likes doing a likes doing digital advertising.

Yeah, well I actually have the- Pop up ads? Yeah, I've got the most billboard space ever purchased in the metaverse, and I'm going huge into the pop up space. And I'm trying to get a lot of clients that just don't go outside. That's good. Yeah. And is it just, it's a photo of your that just don't go outside. You know, yeah.

And is it just it's a photo of your face and it says hire Mr. Liability? Yeah. Is it like, yeah, Mr. Liability. I'm trying a lot of stuff. I'm trying, you know, it's a big part of why I'm improving my body is I just, I want to increase the sex appeal of these ads. Yeah.

So you can do that without like how scantily clatter you. Well, um, I'm in a speedo and all of them But right now I just don't look that impressive and I'm just trying to train up He is kind of a little despondent Face wise and in the advertisement, but I've got a strange body as well You have a strange body or you have something that's diagnosed called strange body You have a strange body or you have something that's diagnosed called strange body Well, I mean both I both I mean, yeah, I do have something I do have strange body which fixer has helped with immensely

It's made me feel high 24-7 essentially and I'm just completely forgetting about all my self-confidence issues because of strange body Got it. I feel like Strange Body is something that the doctors at Pretty Wack Industry developed. To advertise fixer. Yeah, we are fixing that with fixer too. Right. Yeah. The sequel.

We gotta do plugs and get out of here before more liabilities are disclosed. Johnny, music, amongst other things, but let's just focus on the only positive thing about Pretty Whack Industries thus far. What do you have going on? What do you want to point the people towards? Okay, you can follow my music and other ventures at I'm Pretty Whack, I am Pretty Whack,

P-R-E-T-T-Y-w-a-c-k on Instagram and TikTok. I post something every Friday at the very least and I'll post more, but yeah, you can follow me there. Jacob, I hesitate to give you the space to plug anything business related or otherwise, but maybe if you have like side hustles that you might do for fun, you could in the you can also shout at your wife your ex-wife yeah wait yes yes check out twisters and theaters you know I really

am hoping are you in it no no I just I just want to support her even though she hates me for cheating on her But basically I contain multitudes. I'm not just a lawyer, I do improv too. So you can see my group of crazy amazing friendship. We do shows at the BCC every month. You can look us up on Instagram. But I on Instagram am Jacob underscore D-Y-S-A-R-T. Jacob Dysart, that's my name.

Hell yeah. Reach out to me for legal advice. I've actually, I've seen your show actually. I didn't know you were a lawyer at the time, but it's a really great show. One of the best ones I've seen in New York. And you got, he's being humble. They've been written up in the New York Times, et cetera. Not by your personal name,

but by a crazy, amazing friendship. I stalked your Instagrams. Oh dude, thank you. Thank you for coming to the show. It was wonderful to see you there. Well, I was stalking you to figure out where your weak spots are so that I can kind of like take you down. Yeah, that's what he does.

Of course. You're kind of strange for that. I honor that. Yeah. I mean, that's yeah. Marika. Follow me at MarikaElon on everything. And when is this coming out?

Uh, I'm not sure if this one will ever make it to air. But if it does, it would be next Friday. Uh, yeah, I got nothing else. Sage? Um, follow me on Instagram at sage.sg. Emma? Sage? Um, follow me on Instagram at Sage.SG. Emma? Um, you can follow me on Instagram at EmmaRoseFolie. And at Jeffrey James on Instagram.

Uh, we'll see you guys again next week. Hopefully there isn't some kind of horrible news headline about how Johnny, I don't know, created stillborn feed eye. Is that gonna come out next week? Created. So it already had, yeah, basically like, have you seen Unfrosted? This feels a lot like Unfrosted.

Unfrosted, no I haven't. Honestly, that'd be a great movie idea, is like an Unfrosted style feature about pretty whack oh I know the Jerry Seinfeld movie about cereal yeah this is let's write out on Johnny's no air by Jordan Sparks cover because I thought this was better than the original. Well thank you. We'll see you guys again next week. Please tell your friends to listen to this shit because we need more ad revenue. Namaste.

And that's Daz, folks. I tell me how you're gonna be without me If you ain't here I just can't breathe There's no end, no end Is Emma dancing? She is. She's standing and hollering, jumping and cheering. This is Miami vibes, bro. Totally Miami vibes. I'm basically cheating the way that I'm dancing right now. You are cheating right now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

That was a Hidgum Original.