The Headgum Podcast - 219: Hospital Johnny

Episode Date: August 30, 2024

Fresh off a visit to Cedars Sinai, Johnny joins Anya, Casey, and Geoff to discuss the cost of debauchery, new nicknames, and the "girlfriend experience."Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gum original. Previously on the head gum podcast. for the innovation here, Marika, but you're kind of like slowing us down. You're sitting us down and you're not reconnect. You're not sitting. You're not sitting down. You're you're not sitting. Want to take it again? You're slowing us down. You're sitting down and you're reconnecting with the wrong things. I feel like I'm connecting with everyone by this.

We're going to find out our collective tea. We are as a group as tea. Fine, fine. Let's take the fucking quiz. Are you new to tea? No. I've been in the tea game. No tea knowledge whatsoever. -♪

-♪ I hope nothing goes wrong. Yeah. But Jeff seems like he has everything under control. Are you kidding me? Me? Of course. What?

I'm all right. I can record. Just have a... I don't know, something. The doctors don't know what. So why'd you even come? Because I wanted to, you know, laugh with my friends, right? Is laughing okay for you right now? No, it kind of hurts the abdomen. Right, broken rib it sounds like.

Sounds like a fractured rib. Well, it's one of the things that apparently is wrong. From laughing too much? Laughing too much, having a lot of... Sounds like sounds like a fractured rib. That's one of the things that apparently is wrong Laughing too much having a lot of I had a little too much fun this past weekend went to Vegas And it shows yeah, really doesn't show People go to Vegas, and they're like hungover. He's in a fucking it looks like you escaped cedar sinai Yeah, I couldn't pay insurance didn't cover it. They're gonna find you they had a social security. Yeah, I did escape Kaiser Permanente They tracked me down after an er visit. I was like I thought I paid they're gonna see this on YouTube

They're gonna know well. I want people to know my story. I'm gonna whistle blow these fuckers This is not like a make-a-wish thing. No, you're so gonna whistle blow whistle blow them Yeah, you think you're the one I was gonna be like guys the medical industry is fucked. Yeah It's been fucked for a really long time. I don't know if you guys know about this. Yeah No, I'm not on my parents insurance. I'm so I I'm 27. Yeah, but you have a job I Do does that like I opted out of the insurance this? What are you talking about? I'm 27 Yeah, but you have a job. I do Opted out of the insurance this what are you talking about? I was like I hopped it out. I didn't need it Because because I was you know nothing bad gonna happen. He's young I get it

Exactly, that's the most important year to have yeah, but the thing that happens that year you don't need insurance for cuz you're gone But what if this is the thing that happens that year, you don't need insurance for it, because you're gone. But what if this is the thing that, like you build a hospital. Why are we treating this like that isn't fucking insane? Because he went to Vegas, he had a fun time. Erica goes to Vegas all the time, she comes back, she looks fine. This is just a B12 kind of infusion.

You think this is a vitamin fix? You think he just needs to have vitamins put into his veins? And then unrelated, he has like an ear, ear to ear treatment. That's what he told us, when he came in. He ambled in, he tripped and fell on the door jamb with the front door. That happens all the time. No it doesn't.

That happens every time Johnny's here. Yeah, I have had that problem consistently. But only at the studio. Mm-hmm. We have stuff to get to, you want us to just power through or should we only talk about the fact that you're basically, by the way, bandage on your head. So it seems like there's some kind of

internal bleeding happening. He cut his ear off. Sorry, I can't really hear too well either. Right. Like Van Gogh, not understood in his own time. Or, let me get my shoes, let me get my shoes. Cause Trump got shot in the ear. Oh, that was a conversation?

Oh, that's what he said? That's what he said. Yeah. That was the best Trump that you could do? Oh, that's not me really going for it, but that's what he said. Let me get my shoes, my beautiful shoes. That's not how he said it. That took no effort at all. Let me get my shoes.

Let me get my shoes. No, that doesn't sound, that sounds more like it. That doesn't sound anything. I am not a shoe. Ow. Are you okay? Sounds more like it that doesn't sign. I am not a shoe You okay Obviously not no I am I'm good to record this okay You're so you're not well, but you're good enough to record this show I can power through to the end of this episode your eyes are closed

It's a bummer that his protective evil. I didn't help them through this it did not protect me this time So you want to hold that up to the camera? Yeah? So that doesn't work obviously it doesn't it's all superstition All right, well we have some stuff to get to but we'll just keep checking in with Johnny's fucking broken ass Bond of the Week. ["Bond of the Week Theme Song"] Gotta be Johnny. Oh, sorry, I'll wait. You want it to be Johnny after he got injured

at a fucking craps table or whatever? I think he's got it. He escaped the hospital, that's kind of- That's pretty Bond-esque. That's kind of Bond-esque. You can just walk out of the hospital. He's making it seem like there was a cashier trying to box him away from the door.

They bill you separately. He said he escaped. I assume he tied a bunch of bedsheets together and put it out the window and like kind of climb down So is that what happened? Is that why you're injured because you fell out of the window? Well, I did tie all the bedsheets together. I Didn't tie it too tightly on The counterweight and I ended up falling How many what was the counterweight? What did you use as a counterweight something heavy or was falling. How many floors? What was the counterweight? What did you use as a counterweight? Something heavy or was it just?

Kind of just use another, you know. Bedsheet. Yeah, another bedsheet, yeah. So that's just a bunch of bedsheets tied together by the way. Yeah, it was a fitted sheet. How many floors did you fall? 14.

That's a lot. Holy shit, Johnny. That's not that bad, obviously. And he's alive. Not a lot of. He broke his ass. Yeah. He's alive, that's very James Bond. You want me to congratulate him? That bad obviously and he's not a lot of He's alive that's very Do you want me to congratulate him? This is I mean that I think I knew has a good point seems like everyone's congratulated I can't really do that well. Do you want to turn up my mic or do you are you even recording it?

Can you kind of just get closer to the mic or? If I try is right where she should be from the mic try now is this can you hear me should we start from the top? No, not a lot of really funny and good things Marty bought a Porsche. We should say yeah I mean he had a Porsche before it's a second Porsche since I've been here. Yeah Two years yeah He also had the G wagon and he bought the G wagon right before they had the e wagon which is the ev G wagon He also had a Tesla before all of these so I don't know why he went from Evie to back to gas Unless he thought that it was more of a gas to drive a gas diesel or otherwise then to think it is more of a gas to

Drive a gas you will your car guy. I'm a car guy. It's more of a gas to drive gas because of the Or because because of the smell yeah because of what it does to the environment Yeah, I love that. I love that what you look pissed now. I'm just in so much fucking pain right so you can't do the record You can't do the record without making it about how much pain you're in. Let's talk about the Porsche obviously is it safe Not really no it has a heavy. It's heavier. It's heavier and safer that way won't roll over like in the are we boring you on? Yeah, no, it take me to the hospital if I need to go fully participate It's heavier. It's heavier and safer that way won't roll over like in the are we boring you on yeah? No, can it take me to the hospital if I need to go fully participate any car could okay? Because I might need to go go back

Yeah, we're not that far from a hospital. Okay. You could walk is what Jeff is saying although If you stood up would your whole bare butt be out my whole bare butt will not be out, but I fear Wait that I may shit myself So is there something going on with your GI? If you gotta shit yourself don't do it in the studio. I won't do it in the studio Yeah, the bathrooms are right there. Do it in the the storage unit There's a storage unit. The bathrooms are closer than the storage unit. Yeah, but the fucking there's space in the storage

It's kind of a there's space in the bathroom which is closed as well. That's true So it would be kind of taking a shit on display. Well, I was gonna say kind of ventilation Johnny do you think you'll have time to get to know a lady now that you have these seemingly semi-permanent injuries I Think I have what little time left I have on this earth I will be able to meet a lady and fall in love. Ugh, the groaning he's talking with like a groan I don't think that that's why am I losing the room on this it's insane that he's here. Oh they haven't seen me in a while I'm so excited to see them I'm excited to see you too Johnny. Thank you thank you

I love you but if I got you know. We wouldn't want to see them. I'm excited to see you too, Charlie. Thank you, thank you. I'd hug you, but if I, God, you know. No, and we wouldn't want to catch it. Yeah, yeah. Bond of the Week, anybody? Could be anything. He doesn't know what he has. Hugging him is not gonna be what catches it beyond just being in this room for 45 minutes with him.

Sure. Bond of the Week, who do you guys got? Jiminy Glick. Hell yeah, brother. The Martin Sheen character? Yeah, not Martin Sheen Martin does short. Yeah. Yeah He's the big short really Jiminy Glick nice small Jiminy Glick. Well Jiminy Glick is the biggest short you're right. You're right

And I'm sorry cut that out grace cut that out cut that out I didn't get a race isn't doing the assembly edits especially and he's not even doing the video, but she's Why not? Because of the handoff you said you said you wanted to give grace another fucking week I don't think I said that so I wasn't writing so no I'd love Cusha volley to be the next bond was that your ER nurse Yes, sir He was she was great

Wow the doctor was a woman. Doctor was a woman, no is a woman currently. Her son, et cetera, the joke. No, I know that one. I did fall for that riddle previously. Don't think that. AJ posed this riddle to me and I was like, oh, it's the son.

Are you familiar with this riddle? Yeah, I literally referencing it. Okay okay. Are you familiar with the Hacking Podcast? Yeah I'm on it. The doctors installed a cochlear implant I took it out I can't really hear too well. I just started learning ASL a couple months ago. Do you know any? J okay, and that's a random one to start with oh, that's your I got it hello It's like what does that mean that means get me out of this hospital? I have a podcast again this means Yeah, that's just not ASL. That's just gambling yeah Blow on them doll yeah That's not ASL, that's just gambling. Yeah. Double down, three double down, split. I know them. Blow on em doll. Yeah. I know that one. It might.

Anya, Bond or Skipper? I already did. Who'd you say? Johnny, I said it first. She said Johnny. I said it while you were still playing the Stinger music. That's why I didn't get it. All right guys.

You know how last episode I was talking about how I'm doing a lot of more pun based humor? Because of the show? Because this show has been rubbing off on me, which is not good. And people around me are not happy. Okay. We're not doing any, like, Johnny, hospital Johnny. Like, there's a bit there, but no one's kind of done anything with that yet.

Johnny hospital Johnny? Hospital Johnny. That's what this is. Okay. I've never heard that term. Is that a thing? Am I wrong? A hospital? No, you could be right. I've never heard that term Is that a thing am I wrong I never heard you could be right I just I've just never heard his hospital Johnny like like Jiminy crickets or something like that like just kind of like a Johnny doe yeah, I know hospital Johnny on the spot Yeah, it's

How am I the only person that knows this and I'm not even born here? I don't know is it like this is my second language in a solid message It is grew up we spoke Russian before he spoke English. Yes 100% something in Russian No, why because you're gonna make fun of it in some way Yeah, hospital Johnny Yeah, I believe okay, what is it though? We just have never heard it this what do you mean? The gown is a gown is called a Johnny. Yes, Johnny is also condom Maybe that was the joke you were setting up this whole time

No, I'm so sick I'm so ill wait. Okay, so you're sick in addition to injured. I thought you were just injured, but you were also sick? It's a myriad of things that I caught in Vegas. That makes sense. And had done to myself in Vegas. It's a tapestry of lies slash woes. Yeah. Did you get a photo taken with the Chippendale dancers?

No, they didn't want anything to do with me. Because you were like this, right? Yeah, I had gotten sick the first day. I kind of toughed it out. So you weren't like this at the end of the trip, you were kind of like this during the trip? Yeah, on the plane I think something happened. I caught something and then just kind of spiraled. It got worse.

It got worse and worse. So it started with a respiratory disease? It started with something, yeah. Something blocking the throat. Black? something blocking the throat black blocking the throat Oh and something black in the ear. So still something black then something worse Boozing or what patient zero for whatever this is you think? Yeah, the doctor still they were kind of Test to do and you escaped yes, they had tested and I didn't have time I had to record the podcast now I get why because you know when you can like share your new

Contact photo or name with people that are already in your contacts He has changed over the weekend to little oozy noir mm-hmm, and I get it now it was Yeah, yeah kind of a beautiful spin on a horrible thing that happened to you. I was gonna say yeah Don't go fucking it, right? By the way, that's a travel first aid kit. There's no way that that's hospital grade or what you need right now. I was traveling and I needed something.

He needed first aid. He needs more than first aid. He needs a full body cast seemingly. What is it connected to in there? That's a good question, Jeff. It's a COVID cocktail. seemingly. What is it connected to in there? That's a good question, Jeff. It's a COVID cocktail. You know the same cocktail that- That gives you?

No, no, no, no. It treats that. Is there bleach in that? There is bleach in that, I'm sorry. So you're following Trump's suggestions from 2020. Give us a Trump impression. Let me get my shoes Guys summers coming to a close yeah

What was on your summer bucket list because this is coming out Friday the Friday before Labor Day weekend happy holiday weekend guys Yeah, last summer Friday at head gum. That's the by the way. This is a better. We can all say right This is the better three day weekend in terms of what it's actually celebrating Celebrating labor yeah labor sure pro Union here of course For sure we're not unionized and better idea of it mm-hmm. I'd love that yeah What was on your summer bucket list and what of those things did you cross off let's start with Casey and one there I'm actually going to Vegas myself this this weekend Labor Day weekend awesome yeah but I am I am a. Like you got something on the...

You got something on the plane there, so it's making me feel like I should be fine. I wouldn't worry about anything that happened to Johnny Happings. But if he took whatever he had on the plane into Vegas. Now it's there. And now it's been there all week, and now I'm going into it.

If you wear earplugs, maybe you won't get it. The oozing noir, yeah. The oozing noir. Okay, that's good All right, I'll keep that in mind, but you go to Batista's I Don't know what the plans are but I'll try I'm on you'd love it It's not but I love Fremont Street, but I mean I'm gonna try and go to The Double Down of course, of course. I was gonna say gonna say yeah Excalibur Sword and Stone or I?

Know a guy who works at the Excalibur show so I might go there. Oh cool. Yeah, where are you saying? The flamingo great yeah the pink flamingo It's just the flamingo that's what I was gonna say it is pink. Yeah, it is pink Johnny. Where'd you stay? I stayed at the Sahara okay. It's a little bit off the off the strip. Yeah Barely anyone was in there. So it was really fun to talk to the dealers the entire time Socialize my bucket list item was to cough on as many people as I could Vegas bad person that's a bad thing to want and her head hurts. I got it I did my bucket list item you haven't coughed once since we started recording. Yeah, because the cough went away, but it's still there in Vegas.

What happens in Vegas? Stays in Vegas, that's what I'm sorry about. What happens in Vegas is there, that's what they say. Is there? Wrong saying, and the right saying wouldn't have worked better. It's there for you to pick it up. I wanted to have a ton of fun, and we almost got there. Okay.

Do you want to try right now? Yeah, we could still have fun. Yeah. I mean, look, I have a lot planned, so I think. Maybe not too much fun. The rib, yeah. You have a lot planned for the rest of this episode? For the rest of the episode and the weekend.

Awesome. Yeah, Johnny's in town. That's so great. He's not really able to do much, but I hope you guys enjoy yourselves Well, he's I said what do you want to do while you're in LA? He said waterpark waterpark waterpark I said there aren't really water parks here And he and I also said you seemingly are no physical condition to do that And he probably shouldn't be around like crowds of people or soiling water that other people are kind of like circulating mm-hmm

with those he know are Or soiling water that other people are kind of like circulating. Mm-hmm. With the Uzi Noir. Noir, yeah, exactly. There's a great lazy river in Las Vegas. I was going to say a lazy river. That's the one in the words. The MGM Grand? Mm-hmm. The piano grand, is that what you said?

MGM. That's what I said. I said the MGM Grand. And you'll see it in the edit. It's your voice in my mouth. It could have been anything that I was going to say, but it's fine. It's fine. What were you going to say? No worry about it. You should go to Batista's Hole in the Wall. Venetian Forum? The best restaurant in the mouth. Could have been anything that I was gonna say, but it's fine. What were you gonna say?

No worry about it. You should go to Batista's Hole in the Wall. Venetian Forum? The best restaurant in the world. Oh, I know all about Batista's Hole in the Wall. Or no, Venetian Expo. No. We should have had Erica on this episode,

because we're talking about Vegas. We're talking about Vegas more than the week after I got back from Vegas. I know, and Erica is kind of the princess of Vegas of Excalibur Guys if it's so taboo to wear white after Labor Day, why isn't it? Why is it okay to be white after that? Do you want to try again guys if it's so taboo to wear white after Labor Day? Why is it okay to be white after that? Do you want to try again? But with a different joke that's better and that we can actually respond to?

Let me get my shoes, let me get my shoes. Guys, what wine best encapsulates your ass? Is this another questions one? No, there are questions, this is the wax, dude. This is the wax. I only really like Malbec wines, so I'll go for, I'll say that encapsulates my ass. Okay, okay.

That's good, that's good. Anya? What was the question? What wine best encapsulates your ass? I don't really drink, so I guess a nice Unks getting a call. I hope you got the part Jordan like the country I think Brown like the outdoor furniture company It's no callback no

It's not my agency. It's not important, and I don't have any agency because we're on a record, so I'm not gonna pick up a fucking call. Unlike some people, by the way. Wow, yeah. That was a while ago. If Dr. Kufali calls you, please let me know. I don't put you down as emergency contact. Don't make me an emergency contact ever.

Yeah, I wouldn't trust him on an emergency, that's for sure. Okay, so what is and find those shoes? What's your answer then I guess I can look at like a diet coke Really yeah, that's my wine of choice Did you used to drink and then you stopped you never really drank I used to drink and then start making my stomach hurt It's a very kind of them starting to get there. Yeah, I was kind of around your age. It's my head though.

You just power, you just have. Well you have a concussion. Oh no, I think the con, well I don't want to say it because every time I have I hit my head again. I just, two drinks like fucks me up now because of the head injuries. I get that, like you get that like, you're not drunk but you have like a hungover feeling?

Yeah, before the night's over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the next day the hangovers are so gonna drink more water man I do got to drink more diet coke then you don't even get that I just might stop drinking I don't know Jake stop drinking this actually isn't alcoholic. You know that is not it's not no I know right So when I said you should start drinking this and you I know it was in response is piggybacking You're gonna stop drinking fluids all together. I. IV only. Yeah, IV drip. You should power through drinking even if you feel the stomach pain

Because I promise he was worth it You know when Johnny came in here he told me That he orders Malibu Bay Breezes all the time because of me. I feel like I've contributed to this somehow He orders Malibu Bay Breezes all the time because of me. I feel like I've contributed to this somehow. Yeah They're very very delicious. You're you can able you're able to down What five very easily without feeling like you can't do that man? Getting sick after yeah, you like fall out of a window or something. Yeah 14th floor 14th No, I was at the hospital, I mean before the hospital. Yeah, but third floor, so it wasn't really that bad.

Still really bad. That's enough to end the hotel. Yeah, the hotel. No, they don't even let those windows open because of people like you. Well, you have to just kind of force it open then. Like this? If the spirit is willing.

That's it? So your answer to what wine best encapsulates you is a Malibu Bay Breeze? Yeah, I'd say so. I think it encapsulates me, but I certainly love a water or two and a liquid IV What about what wine encapsulates joy? Gotta be Prosecco, but I say Rose champagne. Yeah. Yeah, yeah celebration. Yeah. Yeah Celebrate good wines uncorked fuck you guys. Do you have that written down? He does have it written down I see on his laptop take a break with me right back

And we're back The hardest job you guys think I could do this is a great question actually The hardest job that you can do no a really easy job. Yeah, that's easy Yeah, I think that's the hardest job he could do Easy job. Yeah, that's easy. Yeah, I think that's the hardest job he could do It's hard though because sometimes you don't know whether to split your time learning lines or going to crafty yeah Wandering around set Sorry, sorry, that's cool

I know the lines because I did think about them last night I didn't read them, but I did think should I have a grapple or should I grapple with the lines because I'm starting to freak out Johnny Construction or I think you on the flip side. I think you'd be a wonderful doctor because you've You let me into your residence Helped me stay over treated me with such kindness had such a good bedside manner Wait, you've been treating him. You know bedside I said good night to him and I said you should try to sleep because you've been walking from here the hospital to here all day

Yeah, yeah, so I don't know that man. I wasn't very kind to you I would say I would say it's insane that you showed up in this condition You should go back to the hospital, and then you started passing out. I said maybe I'll sleep it off And I did end up having this is real. I did end up having oh, this is Jeff as someone who gets concussed a lot true you know that going to sleep isn't the answer I get that I get that for sure are you concussed got it okay but you're saying oh I this is for real I did have sleep paralysis while I was sleeping at Jeff's place it was pretty it was a demon that kind of roams the hallowed halls yeah a This is for real, I did have sleep paralysis while I was sleeping at Jeff's place. It was pretty, it wasn't- There's a demon that kind of roams the hallowed halls.

Yeah. In a big hat. Mm-hmm. We're looking at him. Not that white. Mustache. He's got a mustache, long hair. Long hair. Brown Jordan, they call him. I'd love if that was my nickname.

It's a reference to this niche 80s outdoor furniture, patio furniture, that I see on Craigslist all the time. And it's so expensive, but that has the best stuff. Right. Right. I think the hardest job that you're qualified to do, emergency contact. That's a hard job. You think I would show up?

I don't. Jordan just called me and I didn't pick up. That was a hard job. You think I would show up. I don't Jordan just called me and I didn't pick up that was a person who also had you listed as their emergency contact I don't know who this was it was the valley area code though, so I'm like it has to be somebody I know Could be a mirror No, he's blocked okay Guys we have a nickname for Anya. Anya Zero. We just came up with one for me, Brown Jordan. I wonder- Wait, G-E-O?

I was like- Brown Jordan. We gotta give a nickname to Casey. Oh, we did, Speed Cacer. Speed Cacer. Really? Because I had a whole thing about this. So segment canceled.

I guess segment over. Yeah, thanks a lot. I'm open to new ones, you know. What do you got? Casey Wow. That's first on the list? Casey Wow, yeah. Casey Wow?

Yeah, Anya Zero, Casey Wow, Brown Jordan. Case by the Ocean. Hospital Johnny. Case by the Ocean I'd say is better. I don't get it. Because it's Cake by the Ocean. It's a song. Case by the Ocean. I'd say I don't get better because it's cake by the ocean case by the ocean Yeah, do you like I'm not really grasping your reaction. Do you like Casey Wow I?

Don't Okay, what else you got? Casey so you know you're Casey Donahue. Yeah, what about Casey don't to hate Don't to Hate? Don't to Hate? Yeah, it's like Casey Don't to Hate. Don't hate, dude. It's like, you know. Is the nature of the nickname implying

that I shouldn't hate or I want people to not hate? I think it's kind of spreading this message, almost evangelical. It's a peace and love kind of spreading this message, almost evangelical. It's a peace and love kind of thing. Exactly right. Okay, I'm more into don't to hate. It's hard to say. It's my only thing.

Yeah. I mean, it's hard to hate. Mm-hmm. What about rake it in Donna you? Like, that's, I like the implications of that. Yeah, it's like you're manifesting. You're raking it in, yeah. I figured that was the implication of that. Yeah, it's like you're manifesting. I'm raking it in, yeah. I figured that was the implication of rake it in.

Like you're raking it in. Yeah, no, yeah, I got that. I don't see how that's like a play on Casey though. You're going to Vegas. Okay. Do you rake it in? Lucky Casey's at the time. Do you tend to rake it in in Vegas?

I tend to break even more often than not We don't know his background Don't we? I was talking to Johnny. I thought Lucky Casey was a cool name sounded kind of like. Lucky Casey is good See he said that was racist. I mean, if mine's Brown Jordan, I guess it could be Lucky Casey. All right, yeah, that does seem a little racist. What's wrong with being proud of your Irish? Yeah.

Yeah. That way, I wanna ask one question first and then that one. So what's wrong with being proud of your Irish heritage? And then two, what's wrong with being Irish? I think Lucky Casey is pretty good. It reminds me of a nickname that Rochelle has for me, which is Casey Baby.

That's good. I know Casey Baby's really good. Yard Sard is Rochelle. Yard Sard or Ranch. Right. Every time I see her post on Instagram, I'm like, who's Yard Sard? Because there's no connection between that

and Rochelle for me. Yeah, that's like when someone followed me whose handle was skidmark4 and I thought, that's gotta be a weird headgum podcast listener, but it was- It was Paul Mesko. Oh, I wish. He's hallucinating.

He's here, isn't he? Yeah. What about ol' Reliahue? I like that. Golden brown smile Casey. I like that. Golden brown smile, Casey. What is the implication of golden brown smile? Basically that he doesn't brush. I brush twice a day.

Golden brown is good, you know? Yeah, but put smile on there. Golden smile is nice. Yeah. Golden brown smile is not ideal no feels warm still shitty oh In a shit way. Oh, yes, it's kind of a shitty eating grin. Yeah, yeah, oral Donahue Oral D you're fixated on my mouth no or or a you oh, yeah, because you edit audio

Yeah, I'm more video focused. I was gonna I kind of as I said it I realized that you mostly do video Yeah, cuz you don't edit any audio of any shows the pit wall Next one oral Donahue with an oh The nicest part about this is that with an O. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay. With a K? Mm-mm. Okay. This is like the, if price is right rules, in 2015 Eventbrite did a study, which basically drew an average from the biggest cities in America

of how much an average night out costs. I've adjusted it for inflation. I'm gonna say the city, and you guys, again, price is right rules, closest without going over. What is the average cost of a night out on the town for one person in these major cities? What does a night out entail? Going to see a show.

A show, dinner. Dinner and a show. A drink or two. Yeah, a Malibu Brea Breezer 5. I know, I was like, Johnny's night out is different than all of ours. Average night out, because some people don't leave their houses,

and then some people are like Johnny, where they almost die, and then there's like Johnny where they almost died and are you falling over? Are you falling asleep? I think I think we have to revive him. I think he's bored. I don't even think this is a medical You're right, I also don't like this segment LA Um a night out in LA on average It's gonna cost you I mean is it like the total package we're talking about? Ubers

Yeah, well that's factored in that is I'm gonna say if you're going if you're going all out you're good You're doing dinner. You're doing a cocktail But keep in mind if you're doing dinner with like three other people You're only paying for your quarter of the dinner obviously that was not a question anyone had sure well sometimes like to treat people Yeah, but we would infected into a night out for a single person. I'm gonna say three hundred dollars $300 for one night out for one person in LA. He's just a big spender. If you're going all the way. Break it in Casey.

Okay, it's not the average. That's why the Paul is in Casey. No way, no way. Also you're incentivized in the game to not go over. Yeah, no, he's making it really easy for the rest of us. If it was my night out. More. The average night out.

I've never spent that much going out ever. His waltz. That's gonna run them up 15 to Waltz you go to dive bars. Well I go to Capri Club sometimes and those are $16 cocktails Okay, that's becoming an affordable cocktail by the way. I know I hate that yeah Yeah, I remember the first time I saw $20 cocktails like this is fucking insane and now there's 25 dollar cocktails at those bars that you step in a single number 20 all right $300 is Casey's best guess I was trying to clarify I said all out which is dinner and cocktails and Sex worker let Take a social dinner cocktails and an uber ride to and fro

$300 I don't think so what show Any concert will go away for you you. $100 for a musical concert? Yeah. No. Ticketmaster, service fees. The Greek. Yeah, I just went to the Greek. It wasn't $100.

How much was it? Were you sitting outside of the venue? No, it was- It's like $40 if you get a- It was like $70. So. And it was to see Dwight Yoakam and it rocked. Dwight Yoakam is at a pilgrim.

And guess how I got there? No Uber. I took a Lime Scooter all the way up to the Greek. And it was to see Dwight Yoakam and it rocked. Dwight Yoakam is that a pilgrim? And guess how I got there, no Uber, I took a Lime Scooter all the way up to the Greek. Nice. It was awesome. That's not average though. I'm pretty exceptional. So what is your final fucking answer?

There's like seven of these we have to get through. 100, I'll bring it to 100 for you. All right, nice, nice, nice. Anya, zero? I'm gonna say 65. Okay. Johnny, for the love of God. So dinner, be probably about,

for yourself it would be 30, and then a couple drinks, and then just Ubers, then sex worker probably brings it up to 600. No, that's too cheap. 600. 600, yeah. Well, not the sex worker. You're looking for like the girlfriend experience. I'm looking for the girlfriend experience Yeah, that's what I was worried. Yeah, cuz I am a romantic at heart the overnight the kind of act like we've known each other for years

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you gotta pay a premium one of the ways to do it. I would say it's I agree That's not average though. I think it's nice. Let people do whatever they want Jeff I don't judge people who hire sex workers. I just you just did I judge people who get that girlfriend experience That's the same thing. You let people do whatever they want. No, that's the only one I judge. I'm a single guy I'd love to have a girlfriend experience. Yeah Yeah, so I'll pay for the girlfriend experience your job creator. Yes So now your there's a labor so she's driving to read another day's labor day coming up nothing what's your final answer six hundred dollars hundred fucking dollars all right so you're obviously wrong at six

hundred Casey continues raking it in lucky Casey is absolutely correct this is the wrong button fuck shit ass there it is $113 yeah on average I've gone with 101 I'm stupid fucking idiot hey come on anyway I've watched so much of the prices right do you guys ever play the Costco price guessing game on the phone no but I love watching the Costco guys on TikTok. No, I don't. Casey's in the lead. This is for actual cash.

It's full of actual cash. Five dollars to the winner and I'll actually Venmo. No way. That's a cafefe. I actually don't think it is. It's not. That's part of the problem with the night out. Yeah, that's the thing.

That's the morning after. Pill the night out. Yeah, that's the thing. I was saying- The morning after. Pill or? No, morning after coffee. Even in the morning, I think it's more expensive. What are they charging at La Cologne? I know Intelligentsia's like $7. Yeah, when there's a rush for it. You think there's a sundown effect?

Sliding scale, yeah, sliding scale. Well yeah, I mean, you know, there's more people buying coffee in the morning, so the coffee shops are like, well this is a 10 dollar coffee. Wow This would be a very cool $70 for a cold brew $7 now you got me saying shit $7 for a cold brew in the morning and then in the afternoon, it's still $7

It's like well, I shouldn't it should be five, right? Because it's like I think it should be four right because nobody wants the caffeine past what three and then it's like well It's only three dollars, know I'm like now put it in the coffee shop happy hour type situation Plus it's like you can't use it the next day. I was gonna say it was gonna be stale by then the coffee. Yeah Cuz they pre-make it okay. Does anybody have sprite I could put into my IV I don't think you know what an IV leads to hmm. Yeah, is that is it going into your nose? It's going in my nose and whatever is coming out right. That's a great question that we haven't addressed. Yeah, is that is it going into your nose? It's going in my nose and whatever is coming out Right, that's a great question that we haven't addressed. Yeah, it's not an IV

Yeah, it's like into your bloodstream. It doesn't usually Right ultimately it's like hooked up to a band-aid and you're saying the cook currently there's spray in it and you want more spray Or I'm just trying to switch it up from whatever I think I'd like to switch it up right now It's the normal hospital liquid, but it's kind of going out Wait where's it going out? He has a head injury for sure and an ear thing New York City I put $50 on top of my 100 so 150 okay, and yeah And your business um

You think New York's more expensive yeah, but you can take the subway mm-hmm. I'm gonna say $90 final answer Johnny $90 final answer Johnny Don't even be playing this game. I'm gonna say 130. Okay, that's my final answer 150 But then you have to add in just on is absolutely correct. Well not correct, but you win 109 So it's a difference of $4 between New York and LA it's $4 13 to 109 well, I guess yeah, they are saving money on the train

That's a $4 uber to when Johnny and I go out in New York though We usually go to the box and we get a fucking table So it's like bottle service away, and also that's another 500 and then you pay for the sex worker after that 700 extra dollars the girlfriend experience times two and How do you how do you make it between boys with yeah? Yeah? Oh, how do you boyfriend one girlfriend? How do you make it through the week without the girlfriend experience? Emotionally speaking emotionally speaking. Yes, like still texting the sex work I was wondering if she's doing like jo.O.I. videos for you,

just to sustain you throughout the week. That's not what girlfriends do. Wait, what's J.O.I.? You don't need to know, Anya. I'll tell you off, Pod. I can't believe it. I can't believe all the boys know about everything that I don't know.

Anya's at one, Casey's at that one Johnny's on the brink of death Chicago Got to be cheaper than New York I Would say 90 okay 90 from Johnny yeah, and he's really good now. He's a good one 95 okay one dollar 95. Okay. One dollar. Casey's absolutely correct. Chicago's $120. What? Sales tax. Chicago, the metro area, has crazy taxes.

We have crazy taxes here. Crazy taxes. Not as crazy as Chicago. Is that true? Yeah. That's why it's like actually the houses and apartments in Chicago are cheaper than other cities, but it balances out. Because it's not a real city.

Compared to the other cities. Yeah, but the taxes are cheaper. Yeah. So, I think it's a good point. I think it's a good point. I think it's a good point. I think it's a good point. I think it's a good point.

I think it's a good point. I think it's a good point. I think it's a good point. I think it's a good point. I think it's like actually the houses and apartments in Chicago are cheaper than other cities, but it's not a real city Compared to the other cities yeah, but the taxes bring it up like your property taxes and should go all the way up like Boston Chicago has taxes all the way up. I would say c-tier come on dude f-tier yeah I want to laugh in spite of the pain if it's funny, but it's not. We're not reading it again. Not even tiered. Austin Butler's house. Wow.

Austin Butler's house? Are we bidding on his home? You're bidding on him for a boyfriend experience. Priceless. Priceless. I'm bidding on him for a boyfriend experience. Yeah, he did one of those like, oh, mate, there's an oh-may sweepstakes going on. I'm trying to figure out what my budget is.

You just wanna have dinner with him so you can pitch him for your movie. I would have dinner with him. More bikes, more riders. I would ask him, are you a real bike rider? Can you ride a bike with me? Two bike, two rider. I would like to be the Jodi, what was her last name?

Why are you filling in, he's filling in for Marika for like the slowness of pace of speech. I'm not that slow in my speech. Johnny's guess was Jodie Foster by the way. The person who? Austin, Texas. What's that? Austin, Texas.

Yeah. Night out. Yep. We've been wrong, so. But not you, you're winning. Yeah, you're up. Lucky Casey. Yeah, you're up to two to one 110 Okay, I'd say 90 again, all right one dollar

Johnny's correct it was 94 yeah, you got it. You're on the board which is huge for someone do you need something? Do you need water? Are you about to have a fucking stroke? What the hell is happening? Did it just hurt to yawn? It hurts to do fucking everything man. Okay, don't get mad at me. Sorry, I shouldn't. I need to take my...

He needs more Sprite. Having an anamorphic stroke where both sides of your body are getting tingly and freezing. Casey style. Before we were recording, Casey was saying that he had so much fruit that his body was asleep. No, I wasn't getting enough sugar. Right. So that you had a snicker. You're not like you when you're hungry. That's not true. That's the opposite. He's the most like himself when he's hungry.

Insanfran. Fran well you're just assuming I'm hungry when I all the time but I'm not hungry you're never hungry I'm just not food you're not eating and I've never noticed and he doesn't like tomato on a sandwich so if you guys bring him a sandwich there's no tomatoes okay neither does Jeremy Allen white should we just skip the rest of this fucking segment I feel like everybody hates this shit I mean it was fun for a little bit but Casey won it cost $ Congratulations Casey, what's your Venmo? It cost $200. At Casey Donahue.

What's that? At Casey Donahue? There's no way it's that simple. Try it my man. Um, welcome to... what is this last one? Oh, you guys, I need you to put your fucking headphones on this for this one. I can actually hear the headphones. I can actually hear the headphones. I know, we can kinda hear it. No this for this one. You're cans for this glance No, well this one specifically it won't be loud. It's just gonna. I mean it's also for cash, so How much this one's for?

Well, it's not cash. It's a redeemable gift card for one night with Johnny's sex worker friend basically a J.O.I Experience It's kind of a full body high in a way. It's like a massage. This video will get taken down if I explain it to you. Oh, it's that bad? It's pretty mild, I would say.

It's pretty mild. And everybody knows about it but me. Okay, ready? This is $25. That's so sick. He gave me $21 and I gave it back after the Dolce Vita episode. Welcome to Name That Surface.

We've played a lot of metal pipes clanging on this, which is usually how we come back from the break. This is gonna be a pipe falling down on various surfaces and you have to name what the surface is that the pipe is falling on. Is this also for money? This is for actual cash and it truly is for a night with me. You're gonna give us the girlfriend experience?

Yeah, but it's non-sexual. I don't do anything against the law. But I'll have dinner with you. Everyone tries to lose. No, it's another- A cloud, it's landing on a cloud. Let's do $10, let's up the stakes, double or nothing, Lucky Casey style, right?

Here we go, ready? Three, two, here we go. Let's do ten dollars. Let's up the stakes double or nothing lucky Casey style right here. We go ready three two here Yeah, what is this pipe landing on another play that again It sounds like silverware landing on it doesn't sound like a pipe could be marbles sounds like silverware landing on... Yeah, it doesn't sound like a pipe. Could be marble. Sounds like very small. By the way, this is also somehow Price's right rules where subjectively the person who gets closest to it without going over, gets it. Going over.

Yeah, exactly right. Yeah. Uh-huh. I'm going to say concrete. Got it. Johnny? It definitely just sounds like it's landing on some ceramic or rock. Or rock. I'll just go with stainless steel.

Anya's absolutely nearest. It was iron. There's metal pipe falling on iron. These are my money makers. Yeah. Okay, here we go. Next one, next one, next one. Do. Yeah, okay here. We go next one next one next one Do this for a living that was the first one next one. Yeah, it sounded Would yeah wood or cardboard would Everyone's saying would everyone's saying we're all saying would okay, then nobody gets it I guess because I can't give it to or everybody gets it the same fucking effect Yeah, oh yes, too. You guys have one wait. You think that if everyone gets it nobody gets it. That's it's the same effect

Because then okay, it's the same Having okay fine two one one that was laminate which I guess you could say is like wait What's boring of you know wood? Yeah, but the closest without going over. That's it's a good point wood laminate It's fit. It point wood laminate. It's it's similar Laminated wood what it is usually over wood so and we didn't go over is fake wood flooring Yeah, no, we don't let it didn't go over. Yeah And so it didn't know where he's correct. I can't believe reached your limit on talking shut the fuck fucking unfair. Okay, next one.

That was the one before. No, this is... There it is. One more time. Sounds like leather. Leather? I understand, yeah, where you're coming from with that yeah, yeah, wait I have a different guess but no you guys shouldn't have it certainly not leather Maybe nice if we teamed up we can split the $10

Marble Okay, so Johnny's guess is what did you say leather leather like a thick leather can I hear one more time? The cow hide from the top Yeah, one more please let's get that clean Okay, can you play it through without pausing it He needs the echo in the room yeah, I need to hear the echo I'm gonna go would We're all wrong I think you all went over on that one yeah

You know not you know I'll give it to Johnny carpet Carpet he said leather yeah, you know there are That's actually a lot of carpets two two one One yes, cuz everybody got right right right you got one in Johnny that one okay This is by the way. This is the convergence of raked in Donahue lucky Casey and oral Donahue That was the one before here go next one Donahue, Lucky Casey, and Oral Donahue. That's why I really like the nicknames. Here we go. That was the one before.

Here we go, next one. It feels like concrete, but... Yeah, concrete feels right. I think concrete would absorb the sound a little more than that. You guys are not on one team, so just make your guesses. State your case! That's my Trump. Let me get my shoes.

Sound like Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars. Pretty good, yeah, that's my Captain Hook. Shmee! Ha ha ha! His famous phrase. Shmee! Can you play it again when I have my headphones on? This famous phrase. Me. Can you play it again when I have my headphones on?

Oh, she's getting serious. She's got to hear it in two years. My meeting just got pushed 10 minutes. This is getting real. The way it rolls makes me say concrete. I'm going back to concrete. I'm going to say marble. Anya says marble.

Johnny, final answer? Ceramic again. Okay, Anya says marble. Johnny final answer? Ceramic again, okay Casey's absolutely correct Come Casey's bringing back the joy Johnny is that he's naming he's naming surfaces that he looks really in pain. I don't know if you are you on pain meds? Right, sorry, I can't hear you too well

Because of the oozing oozing black. Yeah are okay. Everyone's tied up at two to all yeah Well, I think there's two more, but here we go. No, there's one more. So this is the ultimate fucking tiebreaker. Here we go, made it on shit. Here we go. Oh, I got it. This sucks so much. I got it, glass, glass, glass.

Yeah, it sounds like glass or ice. Glass, glass, glass, ice. Can I hear one more? Glass or ice? Yeah, glass or ice. Like an icy surface. Well, I only got two words. This is the worst podcast in the world. No, I like it.

This specific section is unlistable. Imagine people commuting. Oh, it's extremely listable. People are commuting over work because they listened to the first half of the way to work and they're just hearing this. All right. Grass. Grass.

Grass. Grass. Grass. Grass. Grass. Grass. Grass. Grass.

Grass. Grass. Grass. Grass. Grass. Grass. They're just hearing this. All right. Grass. Glass. Grass, glass, and ice. Is that your final answer or are you also going glass? Let me get my shoes. This one's tough because I have to subjectively judge this.

It's a good one. Let me get my shoes This one's tough because I have to subjectively judge this Grass glass or ice Huh Grass it is again Johnny. No one's focusing on this, but it's cool that you keep naming things that aren't floors aren't made of ceramic I'm thinking surfaces. They have to be floor. I didn't say floors. I said surfaces Now you made me was playing this whole game thinking it was floors only But it has been you have gotten pulling it well I said grass by the way I sound so am I peeking Say something this is me talking sounds so loud you're not peeking the monitors are just too high the monitors are much higher than what

I'm hearing okay Okay. Um, This one let me yeah, so So which was it? To who? Me? I think to Anya. I think I gotta give it to Anya there because um What's that? Sorry, that's not fun Well now we won't be able to tell it because our ears are... I'm giving it to Anya because the final one was GRAVEL!

I don't deserve that. I think grass is closer to gravel. That's what I was struggling with. Why is glass... Even you think it's not close. Because gravel can turn into glass! Because gravel can turn into glass What because gravel can turn into glass to glass if you keep glass is wrong?

Sand glasses makes the sound effects so loud so they all get tonight It's just like he has I wouldn't even mind if we all have the shared experience of tonight It is all I'm not gonna let it happen to me. It's smart. No we text about scheduling Would say gravel all, you know what fine Casey lucky Casey rake it in down a you I'm on board with that, but I'm not gonna stop him from giving me five more dollars. You stopped him from giving me ten dollars because you think mine's on close amounts. I'll split it with you. You owe me a burger from Windows, that's five dollars. Alright, fair, alright, deal.

Listen guys, we've come to another, the end of another great ass head gum episode. Great glass head gum episode. What do you guys have to plug? Let's start with Johnny. Definitely a Go fund me. Yeah, definitely It's like paper this guy's medical bills. Yeah, we do need a go fund me going for me So please someone set that up. I don't know how to do it. I don't feel too good anymore And I think you can follow me on Instagram at I'm pretty whack I am pretty whack PR e tty

Wacky That's me singing And I think a little sneak peek of what people can expect at pretty whack Yeah, and then I love your posts. Oh, thank you. That means a lot. The text on screen is very fun. It's handwritten. It takes so long. But but I appreciate it. I can see the craft. Why haven't I seen this? Do you not follow? Do you not follow? I am pretty wack. No, no one told me about it. Just like no one told me about JOI. Yeah.

I'll tell you later. About both? All right, Anya, what do you got? Radio Free Anya on Instagram. Casey? What? Benmo Anya Knafskaya, Down Payment. Right, Down Payment, yeah.

Submit it to the Love Motel. We need questions for our next episode. Dove Motel? No, no, we're never doing the Dove. If you submit to the Love Motel, I will do a Dove Motel? No, no, we're never doing the Dove. If you submit to the Love Motel, I will do a Dove Motel episode with Jeff. I just, you know my partner though. I don't really, I only am with, I'm monogamous with one person at the moment. So I feel like if I submit- No, not you. I'm talking to listeners. If they submit. Oh, okay. But by the way,

we also do song dedications. Like I want, it's kind of a nice thing. Be like, babe, tune in this time. I'm going to play a song for you. The DJ is going for you the DJs gonna play something that's sweet the DJs got us falling in love again Again, you should do that as a pretty whack cover. That'll be cool. Yeah, if I can get my smoking singing voice back Your normal voice is fine. What's one of your singing voice? Dying rat Wow dying rat Sorry gets it goes against man Casey Thank you you go to my website Casey makes movies calm watch some movies that I have made and Just do that nice yeah for For now, dot dot dot.

Am I right? And you can check out my website, jeffredoesoral.com, A-U-R-A-L.com. It'll have every podcast appearance I've ever had. It'll link to my GoFundMe. And it'll link to Johnny's GoFundMe. Guys, thanks for listening to another episode of the fucking Headgun podcast.

This whole thing was DAS. That was a headidgum Original. You can finally tell us what we should watch. And on September 5th at 4 p.m. Pacific time, we'll recap the winning movie and improvise a sequel with our friends, Paul Scheer and Rob Hubel live. Head to my Instagram or head gums to vote on the movie and then head to moment.co, C-O slash newcomers to buy tickets. Again, tune in September 5th at 4 p.m. Pacific time if you can't watch it live

The video on demand replay will be available for 10 days. It's gonna be very fun Don't miss it get your tickets at moment dot co slash newcomers a bye