The Headgum Podcast - 223: New National Anthem

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

Pre-recorded from New York, it’s the Headgum Podcast! Joel, Marika, and Saige join Geoff to discuss the color of his aura, the David prize, and play a few rounds of Selfish or Shelf Ass.» FOLLOW Geoff on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/geoffreyjames/» FOLLOW Joel on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/joelmandunoff/» FOLLOW Saige on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/saige.sg/» FOLLOW Marika on Letterboxd: https://letterboxd.com/marikaelon/Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gum original. Previously on the head gum podcast. Is there anything there other than oysters or are you just getting oysters? I'm gonna call from a random number. Should I take it? Yeah, sure. This has never happened on the show. Hello? You don't want a phone speaker? I think this is more interesting.

Because we only hear one side. Yeah, him silently. Yeah. Well, this is probably how you became friends with that lift driver. It's uh... That part does make a lot more sense. Yeah, I don't know how to describe it. It's...

It's your first day. Okay, thank you. You didn't do it. He didn't seem happy. You didn't do it. There was two times on that call where he was like, damn. Like I caught fire. You look so pissed. I'm not pissed. I just am like, this isn't what I thought my time in New York would be.

You just moved here and then you went back to LA for a week? For one day and a half. Two days. And on my birthday. That was why I went. Yeah. I mean, yeah, if we want to take it straight into a talking point that I wrote down. Joel's Goals.

Oh no. I heard that you guys, well, AJ said that you played this. It's not a game. But you talked about Joel's goals. On your birthday? At a party I wasn't invited to? There was no talking about Joel's goals.

I can promise you that. I'm hearing a lot of mixed things about your birthday. I heard that it was great. You said that you were wildly disappointed. No, your birthday was what? What is that, the 16th? 15th. 15th, I was gonna say, yeah. But you celebrated with is that the 16th 15th 15th? I was gonna say yeah

But you celebrated with everybody on the 16th not me not Marika, but that's gonna You know anyway, it was a Brooklyn only kind of burro sure already. Yeah, I guess Joel through a fucking block party I This is like this studio is not set up for a live edit and the host to be on like I have to reach All the way over here like obviously these are creature comforts or lack thereof Yeah, but I get why Emma doesn't ever do a live at it. You could pull your chair over there you can If I pull the chair this way then I'm like out of the range of this then I flip it over this way But then I have to go over here to like reach for the soundboard.

I just I don't know, guys. Everything I wanted. I just want to say everything on that desk basically is a mobile version of what it is. Yeah, but they're also locked down by cords. There's a mic arm that is movable. There's a GoPro on a tripod that's movable and there's a movable monitor to the computer screen. The monitor is the most mobile thing.

Not that one, the other one. That's pretty cool. I like that. That's so mobile, but the GoPro cannot move. I wasn't even talking about that. I was talking about the other monitor that your soundboard's on is just a tablet, essentially. Let's just rein it in with the fucking notes for Jeff. It's not you. You rein it in with the notes for the New York studio.

Now I'm busy moving the monitor. I can't even like quickly get to one of these things. I have to do that. What are Joel's goals though for 28? What are you thinking you want this year to hold for Joel? You know, I saw something on the subway today, an ad for the David Prize. Has anyone seen this? No.

It's Smallest Penis, right? It's a prize given to five New Yorkers. That was a statue of David reference. Why is that not? It's a prize given to five New Yorkers. That was a statue of David reference. Every year. Why is that not? It's a prize given to five New Yorkers every year, five visionary New Yorkers, and you get 200k to anything you want with it. You just can't use it on real estate. Okay. And I think I could be one of those five visionary New Yorkers this year. You just need to submit some sort of pitch and get selected,

and you get the cash, no strings attached. What's your pitch? So what's the pitch for? I mean, I haven't fully fleshed it out yet, but one idea that would be sort of radical, but at the same time pragmatic, would be UBI for every New Yorker. What's that? I'm going to take that 200K and distribute it evenly. That's gonna be almost nothing for everybody. We could do like a God's Plan style music video,

where you go around and give, I don't know, it'd probably be between two and three cents to all eight million New Yorkers. Yeah. Yeah. You thought of this today? I mean, there was an ad on the subway. It's on the L. You're so fast, man. You come up with the shit. I'm like, I don't know how.

That would take me a while to think of. UBI and it's not even probably a... what is that? 200,000 divided by 8.5 million? Probably like, yeah, two cents. Okay, so at least it is a full cent. I was worried it was fractional. Yeah. I was worried it was Also could be I might the decimal might be wrong the New York Stock Exchange is starting to Divvy up stocks and halves That was the most like monologue

sounding that you've ever You guys hear my stacks? Anyway, no, that's a terrible idea. What if you invest the money for everyone? You're like crypto or something. No. Wouldn't the population of New York outpace the inflation and the growth rate of that? We're gonna call it universal David income. That's so stupid. We're gonna call it universal David income. That's so stupid I mean stupid of them to name it the David prize. What is the way I David who I don't know Sage what the fuck is wrong? Okay, okay, it's checking in I just wanted to be I just wanted to gently nudge it was not gentle Okay. I keep getting that note that I could kind of go... Sorry. Are we warning you, Marika?

Hmm? I'm looking up the David Prize. What is it named at? You don't know what it's named at. I know nothing about it. David and Goliath. Okay. So the Goliath is cash? Yeah. I do... I like the copy of these Subway ads. Don't be somebody's Subway story.

Yeah. But what if, I've taken them to mean like, I'm kind of like trying to prove the ads wrong. So I'm trying to become people's Subway stories, but like, inspirationally. Oh, what are you doing? I'm like entering the Subway and being like, New York City!

You know, like grab the bar and try to do like, all this acrobatic shit, but I keep like falling and re-concussing myself. Doesn't sound very inspirational. Yeah. Well, you know, it's inspirational that it's like you should just go for it Even if you suck no, you shouldn't What people are gonna get from that yeah, what do you think they're gonna get from it that like they have take me to a subway story Yeah, I can't find who David is I'm gonna come be real with you. I think it's a scam. Yeah. There's no like about page that I'm seeing.

Why not just keep the cash? Well, that wouldn't be very visionary of me. Neither is distributing it to everyone. Bond of the Week, who do you guys have? I mean, I gotta go with David. I'm gonna go with David. I'm gonna go with David. I'm gonna go with David. I'm gonna go with David. I'm gonna go with David. I'm gonna go with the mystery David. I don't know. Your Bond of the Week is the David from the New York City, David Grant.

Which is a grant to do basically anything you want. Not David Grant. Or nothing. David Price. They say they won't check in on what you do with it. That's not a grant! It's just a little bit of a secret. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Anything you want. Not David Grant. Or nothing. David Price. David Price? They say they won't check in on what you do with it. That's not a grant. They made that up, yeah, it's just cash. On the subway ads. Yeah. Like, we won't, we won't follow up.

Yeah, that's gonna be my bottom of the week. Sage, who'd he got? Joel, cause it was his birthday. That's, yeah, it was a lot of people's birthday recently. Yeah. Apparently the most common birthday week almost. It's like right around September 9th or so. Statistically or just amongst people you know?

Okay, wow. Statistically amongst people I know. And do you know why it is? No. It's New Year's Eve conception. I don't think so. Really? I did ask my parents once, was I conceived on Valentine's Day?

Oh, what'd they say? They were like, no, I don't think so. Okay. Also, I think the nine months thing is kind of a misnomer. Yeah, it's closer to 10. The sources are telling me it's 10. David Foster Wallace. Okay, is that who the grant is named?

No, I just think he would be good bond. He's dead. He can describe things. Yeah, maybe. Well, I don't have one this week. I'm fucking sick of this. Why'd you do this? Because you have to.

It's like, you know, if you stop. No, if you give up up then it really was a wash He does have to do it. Yeah until they cast the person then I can fucking give it up Yeah, I thought that was your lead-in to saying they'd cast it someone no that'd be great Can you fucking believe that fine my bond of the week is Casey? You know it doesn't matter It's always Casey. It's not oh he's been bond so many I've never made Casey I have never made Casey bond because I don't think I'm just saying he's been Bond so many times. I've never made Casey, I have never made Casey Bond. Cause I don't think he'd be good.

I'm just saying he's been chosen a lot. That's fair. He has. I just, that's not true. Why don't you think he'd be good? He's sort of a behind the camera kind of guy. And that's kind of why he wants to be a director. All directors just are people who wish they could act.

I don't think that's true. What about fucking Wes Anderson? He's waiting. He can act. Really? That's awesome. And he's one director. Fine, what about fucking-

Bill Murray. Yeah, Bill Murray. He can't direct. Okay, that's not- I mean- Yeah. That's not what they were trying to make. Annie, Get Your Gun?

What about it? Who directed that? Guys. The musical Annie Get Your Gun? No, I think he's talking about Woody Allen. I don't know. Annie Hall? Annie Hall Get Your Gun?

Guys, I don't, you know, this talking point is kind of like moot because sage joined the show But what is it about me yes? But the thing was what is it about this show that makes everyone unavailable to do it always I tried to get a full lineup There's a fucking empty chair. You can't really see it in this shot. Well. You can see the corner of it Nobody wants to do a Jake walked in he's not here. Jake's right there. I could see him through the thing and he's not doing the show. I didn't bring him in.

Call him in, yeah. Shit ass. Hey, Jake. Did you just say my name? I was just complaining that nobody ever wants to do the fucking show. And I was like, Anya was begging people to do the show

in the New York office, right? Sage, she didn't even ask. And then I see you walk in and I was like I was I Anya was begging people to do the show in the New York office, right? Sage she didn't even ask and then I see you walk in and I'm like, why isn't Jake on the episode? There's an empty chair about it. No one told me. Yes. So it's on use fault then Well, we kind of assume people have other things to do like what? Jake like what year for six hours this week recording mad pod. Yeah, and you know what I Let's start calling it what it is. Bad Pod. That's really good. This show is fun.

Bought another D&D podcast. That's really good. Bad Knot. No, botched another D&D podcast. That's what they should end every episode with. I'm fucking serious, guys. That show's going down the toilet since they did the Carnegie Hall They peaked it's like this show at the Gramercy show. Yeah

That was our peak I think It's a tough pill to swallow those before Joel even worked at the company yeah, I know Let alone sage. I mean I'm I'm sad that that's our peak, but it's probably true. I mean isn't there new peaks new valleys on the horizon Sage I mean I'm I'm sad that that's our peak, but it's probably true. I mean isn't there new Peaks new valleys on the horizon Yeah, I think we could probably talk about it. No not no not not like you're not yeah I Mean don't get me wrong you guys are enough for the show

But I just why is there not someone else in the fucking kind of feels like we're not yes You're saying that do you guys think I have aura? Yeah, really? We should all go to one of the places that reads your aura colors yeah that photo booth yeah but mine just is like all like charcoal gray. And the guy who's reading it is like, What's wrong? You're the devil. Death is coming.

I don't think I think you have a lovely aura. I kind of assume your aura is like bright yellow. Yeah, I was imagining like a peachy color. I don't even mind that, but it's because of my ass. No. Yeah, I think probably like bright yellow. I'd say maybe a little bit of a green if I had to guess. Because I'm envious.

I don't think it corresponds to that. Should we look up what the colors mean? Can we get a numbers crunch on that? Joel, I feel like you have a deceiving... At the risk of getting fired. I feel like you have a deceivingly good ass. Yeah, my tailor told me the very same thing. Oh, yeah, your tailor. Yeah.

Taylor told... Taylor soldier tinker behind. Fuck no. Biss. That was odd. That was bad. No, I said to Anya, I was like, I feel like we've had a killer couple of episodes. This one I didn't put a ton of effort into. That's why Sage is coming to save the day. Or rather, sage the day. Sage, do you ever sage... Sorry, I wasn't even close to that. Do you ever sage your apartment?

Never, I've never done it. You don't do it every time you walk in? No, I've never done it. I definitely don't do it every time I walk in. We just moved, so it'd be smart to. Also that, but I feel like when you walk in a room, you sage it. Yeah, I guess I do do it every day by just walking into my apartment. But my name is spelled sage with an I,

so it's not really a sage. I actually learned a new word from my roommate. Oh yeah, let's hear it. Sagacious. Oh, what does that mean? People know about it? No. Like. Of or pertaining to cigars.

Which is why it's relevant right now. No, it means, you know, like a sage. Oh, that's interesting. So you could just add an I. Yeah. Yeah. For your word. Would that change the pronunciation?

Sage. Sage. Well, you know, something that's like like it, like Joel would be joe-licious. That would be delicious. Yeah. Um, just to check back in on the aura. That's what my tailor said about my ass. You have a joe-licious ass.

I think Sage and I were pretty spot on for you. Which was? Orange, creative, action oriented and positive yellow sunny Charismatic and confident green loving compassionate and nurturing. Would you just like take? I don't think I'm very nurturing No, that was just we saw it. I think I'm nurture a bowl Okay, I think yeah, I mean I think you have to tick all the boxes Where do we go do this that would be a fun thing for this core group to kind of meet back up to tick all the boxes. I said a little bit of green. Where do we go do this?

That would be a fun thing for this core group to kind of meet back up in a couple years and do the, no, in like a week or two, we go do that and then we come back on the show and get like a follow-up. There's like a place. I'm answering your question, you're mad. Yeah, but not fast.

Sorry, I don't talk fast. You know what I wish this was? Fast company. And I don't mean like fast company, the fucking publication. Just like a quick moving company. Being in the company of people who are fast. I'm sorry that I'm not. I think your aura would be like blue.

I don't know what any of them mean. I have a photo of my aura from this thing. Well, okay, I don't show it yet. Obviously that spoils the... But I'm looking it up for myself. Well, okay, if I don't have aura, which I assumed you guys were... I thought you guys were going to say I don't have it. Do I at least have aura ring? You do. Do you have one?

You just got one. Nice! Right? What's that? How is it? Well, the thing is I got it on Saturday. Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice!

Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice!

Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice!

Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! Nice! But yeah, so your birthday was Saturday. Oh, no, no, no. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. And traveled all day, was really tired, shot the short night shoot, obviously, slept poorly, poorly that night because I got woken up by a phone call at 6 a.m. Who? A dear, dear friend of mine named Rick.

Who's Rick? He's just a friend. I thought you're going to play the Rick Roll song. Yeah, me too. You were woken up by a Rick Roll. I guess you would have had to schedule that. And then took a red eye on Monday, slept three and a half hours. So has it helped with my sleep? No, actually, since I got the ring, my sleep has gotten worse every night.

And you've been acutely aware of it. Yeah, yeah, exactly right. I've been like tapped into how bad I'm sleeping. But no, it is really cool. It gives you like a readiness. Do you guys have an aura ring? No, I have a whoop. That's just off the grid.

Yeah. But how's your body temperature? I don't know if it gives body temperature. It gives oxygen. Yeah, I thought it should do it should do like blood oxygen and then it does blood. I did like basil body. Yeah. Basil body is the body you get when you have too much basal.

Right. Which is like very like Italianate where the, yeah. Yeah. Very slender. It's still calibrating my cardiovascular age, which is the real reason I got it is cause my, I got heart palpitations a lot. Oh same.

Oh interesting. Should I get that? Well I think if you have the whomp or whatever the fuck you have have like I think it's fine It doesn't do that Whomp Whomple baby Whomple baby, sorry about that. No my sleep score I'm trying to get above an 80 I haven't gotten an 80 at all

Anyway today today my sleep score 54% Fine five hours of 54% Yeah, yeah got five hours of sleep needed nine hours and no one needs nine hours I think people who menstruate do I was falling asleep on the train today and so that's just cuz you were bored as hell yeah for sure but you should have been ideating on your David prize. I was gonna say yeah the ad Nobody told me about it. Do you think that the ads are only on specific trains only trains? I think Is gonna win it no come on yeah, that's fucked up This week I've been mad about the

Inequity between Queens and Brooklyn, so that's just one other thing to add to the list. The list of why you're going to buy a gun or... Thursday drunk. Sorry, I have a habit. Thursday lunch? Yeah. Yeah. Should we do Bond Street sushi? No, it's Bondy. Yeah. Well, there is Bond Street and then there's Bondi. But I don't think you should order sushi to the office again for a while.

Jeff specifically? Well, I ordered 10 uni nigiri last week for a segment. Thanks for watching the show, by the way. Probably the person that watches the most. Actually, yeah, that episode hasn't come out, so I just chatted you for no reason. Listen to one on the way here. I passed something. Oh, I think we should all go to Ralph's Coffee

and just get the little sandwiches. I don't think that would be a very satiating lunch for me personally. What about sagia, what is it? Sagatius? Sagatius. Sagatius. Sagatian.

Really a lot happened on my commute today. I pass a sign that I sent a photo of, Winsun Bakery. Sagi-ation? Segeci-ation. Segeci-ation. Segeci-ating. Segeci-ation. Really a lot happened in my commute today. I pass a sign that I sent a photo of, Winsun Bakery. Yeah. With an arrow. I love Winsun. It's great. So I'm like, okay, I'll follow the arrow,

but I don't have that much time. So I'm like, can I get a close? I go a full block, no Winsun Bakery. Oh, I'm sorry. I come back, I see like a woman who was like on FaceTime with her friend. She's like, oh my God, Winsun Bakery, I gotta go. I was like, don't turn, it's not there.

Wait, in Manhattan? It was a block away from here. Wow. It was like a pop-up or something. Oh, interesting. I walked a full block, so either it's a total prank and there's no Winsun anywhere, or it's a sign more than a block away,

which I think is messed up. Yeah, that is messed up. I haven't been recording the video. Did you walk past that? Yeah. I haven't been recording the video. Yeah you walk past that? Yeah. I haven't been recording the video because I pressed the button. No. No explanation.

Yeah. Let's take a quick break. What's that? We are back. An accurate sound effect for the occasion. Yeah. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it.

I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it. We are back. An accurate sound effect for the occasion.

Yeah. Now we have the video. Yeah. Sorry about that, guys. Let's blame it on Grace, I think. I don't think we should. No, no, no. Blame it on Jake.

I'll blame it a little bit on myself because I can see the screen and I, when we started, I noticed that it wasn't. I think you're being way too generous by even bringing that up. I just noticed it was the wrong color and I like didn't put two and two together. Yeah. I, I pressed record, but there wasn't a hard drive connected and I was like, Oh shit, got to connect the hard drive. And then I connected the hard drive and then didn't press record.

Cause in my mind, I was like, I got a kind of hard drive And then I connected the hard drive and then didn't press record because in my mind I was like I already pressed that button Yeah, um I Used yeah, whatever point is let's go to win Sun Bakery Yeah, if it exists, but did you see that big inflatable monkey the pink no this was a dream you had Let's go to win Sun Bakery yeah, maybe did you guys fall a bunch last night and never hit the ground? Yeah. Yeah. Why?

Like a dream. It was a dream joke. This sucks. Guys, is Gingham back? 100%. How do you figure? I think it's good for fall. Yeah.

Like plaid-like things. Yeah, I feel like there's just been a lot of... Are we still going to pile into Johnny's van and go apple picking? Oh, we gotta. Because we should wear gingham if we do that. I don't know if I wanna match with all of y'all, but I would like it if y'all all matched and not me. Okay.

I think it would feel kind of cultish if we arrived at an apple orchard wearing the same kind of outfit. Out of a van. Yeah, out of a van. Yeah. cultish if we arrived at an Apple orchard wearing the same kind of outfit. And I'm really afraid of the vans. Yeah. Lana Del Rey dating a swamp tour guide. A swamp tour? Yeah, a airboat tour.

That's really cool. It's kind of basically the water boy is dating Lana Del Rey. How do you guys feel? Love it. Yeah, I love that. He left his wife for Lana. As anybody would. And apparently like, his daughter posted something being like,

I can't believe my dad left my mom for Lana Del Rey. That would be, I don't know how old she is, but to go to high school and be like, yeah, my dad left my mom for Lana Del Rey. You're like the coolest kid in school at that point. Yeah, to be honest. I mean, a broken home though. I mean, Joel broken home though.

I mean, Joel, do you want to speak to that? No. Are your parents still together? They are. You don't have to sound so ashamed about it. Well, it is cooler to be a child of divorce. I am what? Right?

Marika? Am I a child of divorce? Just wondering, yeah. Or are you a product of your environment? My parents were never married and I am a product of my environment. So you're a bastard child. You've never brought this up. Yeah.

Out of wedlock. Yeah. Sorry, that might be it for the show. Yeah, don't talk to Berika like that. Yes. That was Saj... Sejation? Sejatious. Sejatious. Sejatianjation? Sejation. Sejation.

Sejation. No. Sejation would be the word. Sejation, sejation. Am I in frame? You purposefully are not. Yeah. No, you are.

Oh, okay. Here, why don't we, I'm gonna leave this monitor for you to see. Oh my God. Just so that you can see what the line that it is. Also, just to correct any mistakes, et cetera. I don't need to do that. I was just looking at the camera,

and it looked directly pointed towards the stage. It's okay for every couple of weeks for the show to have a dud episode. I feel like you actually prefer it that way. I kind of do. You want to make people sift through the dirt. It's like a texture. To find the worm. A tapestry of disappointment. I think we you actually prefer it that way. I kind of do. You want to make people sift through the dirt. It's like a texture. To find the worm. A tapestry of disappointment.

I think we were really on it for the beginning of the episode. It's just that there wasn't any video, yeah. And you said in the beginning, like, this one's a bwosh, we already had a couple good ones in a row. So I think you wanted it to go this way. Yeah, which we're really trying to get you to stop doing that. I was gonna say, yeah.

Because it's like talking down about yourself. That's true. All right, welcome to... This is a segment I like to call selfish or shelf ass. Okay. So you guys are familiar with people being selfish. Yeah, 100%. Are you also familiar with people who have a shelf ass?

That's what my tailor said. Yeah, exactly. He said that that was Joelish shelf ash. I just watched an old SNL digital short where that is a joke and Emma Stone comes out as the intern with the huge butt, or assistant with the huge butt, and it's like he rests a cup on her prosthetic butt sexist

I don't know. I wish it would rain is that's an all digital short one of the Largely considered by the staff worst Short they ever made and why were you rewatching it? I love it. It's so funny And also Andy Sandberg does a crazy voice in it and that Andy Sandberg now voice was stuck in my head all day. Can you do it? The name of the game is Selfish or Shelf Ass. Basically I'm going to list out celebrities and you guys are going to tell me whether or not they are selfish. Because by the way, my perspective on life in general is that everyone is either selfish or has a shelf ass. Which one do you think is better?

So you were mad at me for saying a character Emma Stone played where she was wearing a prosthetic butt was sexist. They called her the assistant with the huge ass. Yeah, and you're telling us to say whether or not actual celebrities have a shelf ass. Well, you said nothing about their gender. Yeah. Right. What do you think you are?

Do I guess Emma did it? I think I'm either way could be sexist,'m I guess I think I'm a perfect example of one that's gonna cause some like rifts in this game Because I think I have a big ass and also I think I'm can be a little selfish and you consider yourself a celebrity Wasn't that much of a dig holy selfish you dig for lunch. No No Holy selfish. Should we do dig for lunch? No. I love that personally. No. No, okay, it could be people we know. I just think that's where it gets into territory that maybe calls for HR.

You didn't already make a list? I have a list of celebrities. Okay, good. Great. No, I'm just saying, well, you guys said, what do I have? And I don't know. I think I can be a little bit of both

and could be an interesting conversation. I asked him what he thought he was What do you guys think I am selfish or self ass? I was asking what you thought you were I didn't want us to have to weigh in Why don't you guys weigh in? I'm in here as celebrities I don't think it's valid It doesn't have to be celebrities it could be anybody in the world The game is celebrities

The game is celebrities but I'm saying everyone in the world falls into one of two categories Selfish or self ass? I think human beings are inherently selfish. Do you think the selfish, shelf-ass distinction is more nature or nurture? I think it's nature. We should get into the game. Well, let's start with me. Not because I'm a celebrity, but what do you guys think?

None of us want to answer that. You have a shelf-ass. Okay, so you don't think... That means a means a lot actually you don't think I'm selfish And I'd like to rest my oh, it has to be one like dress my weary head Has to be one or the other everyone falls into both one of two categories Consider this the spiritual follow-up to Booba Kiki No, it's like that dress.

Yeah. I do. By the way. Yeah. Maybe you could even say that it doesn't have to be a physical ass. It's just the energy of shelf. Yeah, that's totally fair. And I also I mean, I I genuinely feel like you are not a super selfish person. I feel like you're somewhat selfless to a fault sometimes. So that's shocking that you think that

because I'm constantly in fear that you think I'm only thinking about myself. No, I think you think about other people a lot. Wow. If only Anya was here. She would agree. I don't think she would. I absolutely think she would. All right. What about Amanda Bynes? Cool. I think selfish or shelf ass? I'll say shelf ass because I don't want to call her selfish.

Me too. No, she's a darling. Yeah, she's the one who would cut off her toe. She was wise. In the Amanda Show. Yeah. Oh, okay. And replace it with part of a hot dog.

See, and the thing is, that was comedy. I didn't remember that part of the Amanda Show and you really- Remember they would hit people with a toilet? I remember that. I just am saying like, there's a world. Cause she's an esthetician now, right? Yeah, I will know.

She does nails, but I don't know if she's passed her test yet. Okay, what is an esthetician? Cause I thought it was a nail tech. Sturm. Not a Sturm. Facials and whatnot. What about someone who thinks aesthetics bring value to the world.

Like David. I'm sure she thinks that too. What about Homer Simpson, but he works at Launch and. I've never seen the show. Selfish. Selfish. Shelf ass for sure. Homer Simpson? Selfish. Yeah, he's got a huge butt.

But he's pretty selfish. He's not a very good father. He's always off doing some nonsense while his wife is holding it down. Anne Hathaway. Let's go. Let's start. Let's start with Shakespeare's wife and then let's go to the actor. Selfish. Shakespeare's wife.

You think Shakespeare's wife is selfish? Yeah. She's the one who wrote all the fuckers. Right. Yeah. Selfless because she gets it get integrated in his ass. Yeah. No, everyone critiques Shakespeare these days. And that makes her selfish? Yeah, she's playing the long game. She's like, a hundred years from now, these things are gonna get really torn apart.

A hundred years from now? Who's tearing apart Shakespeare right now? We're like constantly just re-visiting it. I think she was tearing apart that ass. No way she wasn't pegging Shakespeare. That's why his legs was Shakespeare. Nice. Thank you, yeah. Crazy take. I think she wasn't pegging Shakespeare. That's why his legs was Shakespeare. Nice. Thank you, yeah.

Crazy take. I think she was shelf-ass, because he was sort of the celebrity, he was the Elvis of his time. Yeah. And he has to get the hottest, didn't he? And you are a fan of something rotten, so that makes two sense. I love something rotten.

I love that fucking show. I wish I could have seen something rotten last night, or last week. What about Bella Hadid? Selfish. Selfish as hell, right? That's gotta be right. Her dad is like a...

Have you had her new drink, Ken Euphoric's? That's not new and it's not hers. I think I saw her holding one and I thought that's hers. She might have a brand deal but it isn't her company. And it's not her. When are you getting your buy brand deal? I don't think I'm gonna get a buy brand deal. The money keeps coming in, though.

I'm pretty happy about it, yeah. I'm living the buy life. Residuals. In perpetuity. Well, not in perpetuity. It's until they stop running the ad. What about, yeah, shit, David Beckham. David Beckham, shelf ass.

Yeah, that dude squats a lot. Yeah. Still? Yeah. Yeah, he's gotta. What about Brooklyn Beckham? Selfish. Selfish, right? Yeah. Noel Gallagher's What about Brooklyn Beckham? Selfish. Selfish, right?

Yeah, I guess so. Noel Gallagher's daughter went to school with him. I don't know why I was watching this interview with her. And she said that he would like pull up to school in like a sports car. Doesn't shock me. As like a 16 year old. Who's he date?

He's dating someone. He's married to Nicole Abheltz Beckham. She's not really famous except for that she's rich. And that was her name before they got married, right? Yeah, she was really obsessed. Oh, OK. I think her grandpa would say... Emementary, my dear Watson.

Nice. Sherlock? Emma Watson. Yeah. Oh, OK. You're like Sherlock? Emementary. I would... I don't want to call her self-emementary. She's pretty charitable. Yeah. So I'll say want to call her self-adm... I think she's pretty charitable.

So I'll say shelf-ass. What is she? She's like an ambassador for life. The UN. For life. UNICEF. Ambassador for life. What about Hillary Rotten Clinton? Selfish.

Selfish. Okay, our first disagreement. This is a bad list of celebrities. I just pulled up a list of celebrities. All these people are like not interesting. What about Richard Kind? Oh, shelf ass. Okay, now we're cooking with gas. Have you seen every one of his interviews?

I don't know, I just saw- I do! He's done so many! Like the recent ones, I just saw a video of him at Zaybars and he was like I'm lactose intolerant but Biting into a white fish salad bagel? Honestly, everyone says that as they're eating dairy. It's so stupid.

Just eating a ton of cheese in Zayars taking photos for interview magazine. It's great That's good on the video afterwards. I in my SNL packet this year I sent in a sketch called love is kind because you had to do a parody sketch and I send this to you No, well, it was uh, it was just everybody is like black like can't see him, but they're dating Richard kind and it's just like His voice like love is blind and then yeah, I thought it was a good sketch actually I really want him to come into the studio. I think he should go on David Cross's show I would love for him to be on this show and I could just ask him questions about acker honestly, I feel like

She there's like an 80% chance. He'd say yes, you can do another dairy episode. Yeah Yeah. Shhh. Shhh. Nothing? It's a bad list of celebrities, I guess. Yeah. Why was Richard kind on that list? It wasn't, that was one that I just kinda, I was like, we need a better celebrity. What about Daniel Craig?

Oh, selfish. Selfish. Selfish, kidding me? I think selfish. Selfish, he did like two new Bond movies that he didn't wanna do. Yeah, but he still made a lot of money off of them. I don't trust people who have eyes that look like that. They're so beautiful. I think they're beautiful, you can get lost in those. Two beautiful pools of blue.

I saw him in a production of Macbeth, and even for my seat in a box in the theater, I was like, those eyes are crazy. What color are they? Yeah, crazy interest, really blue. Those eyes go crazy. They're just so piercing, even from a fair distance. Do you think what makes it piercing is the color,

or is it something else about them? I think it was from pierced bras and then the piercing eyes. Yeah, plenty of people have blue eyes and then they're not that piercing. Yeah, I think it's a combo of the color and the way that they look. You know what I mean?

Like the way the irises are distributing that color. What about Dwayne The Rock Johnson? Selfish. Selfish. Yeah. Selfish. What about, if he wasn't selfish, he would have ran for president? You know what, let's just end it there. Yeah.

Yeah, that. Yeah. That's kind of a counter. Oh. I was on a short road trip, a day trip to the Hudson Valley and back with a couple of my friends last year. And I was like, can I get aux? And they were like, yeah.

And they gave it to me. And I just kept playing like national anthems from different countries. And I realized how old these shits are. So I thought that maybe we could come up with a new national anthem for the United States of America. Oh, that's fine. These United States really, sorry, I wasn't even close to them. And, um, I don't know, I thought we could just, you know, use some starting off point,

because, you know, I've never asked you this actually. Are you biracial? Yes. Okay, so I think you and I should kind of leave the helm here, because there's all these articles about the browning of America, right? I mean... Yeah, you're talking about this a lot. Yeah, I've been dreaming about this a lot.

And like, imagine if Joel was like mixed race. How cool would that be? I agree. So I thought we could do a new national anthem, but the theme of it and the lyrical themes are about being bi Racial or what else? sexual Not in Jeff's country

You could do that I gotta go blow a guy Okay, I'm gonna just start the the track and we'll just kind of free ball this. So same music, different. Same track, same track is great. I thought we got to choose the tracks of anger. It's not the music. No, no, no, no, no. I was gonna suggest the song Marika referenced earlier, WAP.

Yeah. She was talking about her whoop bracelet. Yeah, but she misspoke. No, she didn't. You called it, Jeff called it a whoop and then you called it a WAP. Yeah. Then maybe I miss the wop.

Don't put it on me. Okay, here we go. And we were talking about Lana Del Rey. She's got a national anthem. National anthem. That's true. Ad. Yeah, video plays soon.

Hey, capitalist society, you gotta have an ad on the national anthem. You gotta go private browsing. Here we go. We'll take it line by line, I'll start. Oh, say can you reek, Marika Brown? Okay. Well, I can see how you made it more biracial. Yeah.

What do you think? I don't think I should be mentioned in the anthem for the country. So you wanna start over already? I don't think I should be mentioned in the anthem for the country. So you want to start over already? I don't want to start. Sorry. I guess I don't understand what we're doing. Are we stopping to talk about it

or are we stopping to continue? We can talk about it. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. Wobble Baby would be good too. Yeah, no anthem. Let's do it. Let's actually change it to the wobble. So you wanna make it the wobble,

but with the original lyrics of the national anthem? Oh, that's huge. No, it's not. It wouldn't work at all phonetically. Okay, so we're gonna- Like you're wobbling between your two races. I do that. It's a national anthem about code switching.

No, it's gonna be, it's gonna stick with Star Spangled. Okay. Fine or this Spangled. Fine. Okay. Fine or this is fun? Fine. Okay, okay, Marika, you have so much to say. Let's just start the first two lines with your ass, right? Here we go. Oh.

Oh, say can you read? Oh, say can you read? That's what you said too. I said, no, I said O say can you reek? Oh. Apostrophe R-I-K. Like Marika. Well, I think read is a good, we're starting off strong where it's like that's a requirement to be here maybe. Yay. Okay.

Literacy is at an all time low. Fine. We gotta bring that back up. Okay, so the first line is, oh say can you read? Yeah. Oh, me again. Yeah. Read by the dawn's early brown.

I feel like your guys' brains are actually kind of merging together into one. Oh say can you read by the dawn's early brown. So still dawn, but you think that the sunrise is just like a murky mud? In a biracial America, yeah. That's actually why I'm fighting against it because my beautiful sunrise

is gonna become browner and browner. Yeah, I mean, I would have probably gone a different place if I had had time, but. Yeah, well that's the beauty of this is that, well I don't think when they wrote the Star Spangled Banner that they put that much time into it, so I think we're fine. Today it was one guy famously. Yeah, one guy.

Francis Scott Key. I thought it was written by all of the founding fathers. That'd be cute. Okay, here we go. And they did it one line by one line. Exactly, yeah. And you can tell which ones are Richard Henry Lee, by the way. Here. Exactly, yeah. And you can tell which ones are Richard Henry Lee, by the way.

Here we go, Sage. Over hills and mountains. This is a disaster. Over the hills and mountains? Over. Over the hills and mountains. Over or? Or.

Whatever is best. Really good. I like or. It's really hard to like. Or is good. It's hard to like come back in the middle of the song. Okay. Yeah, I don't remember the, I don't know the real words.

Um. Maybe that's better. Joel, here we go. It's who's broad stripes and bright stars and you're gonna. Who's broad stripes and you can date guys or girls. That was inspiring. Half a measure of politics.

That's when the crowd goes crazy at sporting events too. Okay, here we go. By the way, or the ramparts we watched. O, apostrophe, E, R. Right. parts we watched. O, apostrophe E, R. Right. Or the spread legs that produced by racial kids. I feel like you've written out the whole song

and you just want to perform it. That happens. No, that's a classic Jeff White. Back to Marika, this is, End the Rockets Red Glare, so you can go ahead and hit that high note. And the bomb's bursting in the air, here we go. And the parents that fed all the kids before bed. Nice!

Nice! Back to Sage, it's Gabe Pru through the night, here we go. Gabe Pru through the night with a K. And then just skipping a line. All right, we gotta figure this shit out because I really thought this was gonna go better than it did. Gave proof through the nights as like in shining armor

and then nothing else. Nothing else. Yeah, I couldn't think of what came next in the song. All right. We can go back. Yeah, okay. It's gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Right.

And... That our flag was still here. Okay. So half the lyrics are about people being browner and browner through the generations. Other ones are about having visceral sex, and the other ones are just the same as the original but pausing halfway through a bar. You know what? It's been 45 minutes.

I think we're good. We have to finish it out. You have to finish, oh right, it's not that much longer, okay. That our flag was still here. The parents' different backgrounds, they combine into one. Or the glands of my gang were inside of my mom. Joel, I feel like you should submit that

for the David France. We got there. This is why we needed Sage on the episode. Plugs, what do you guys got? Let's start with Joel. Listen to all the new Headgum podcasts. How about that? What do you mean?

I appreciate it. Sage. You can follow me on Instagram. Oh my God. Joelman Dunoff. Spelled like it sounds, but it is private, so it'll be a case by case basis for acceptance as always. Sage? Yeah, you can follow me on Instagram, sage.sg.

Marika? Listen to all of the new Head Gums shows, like Joel said, which I think when this comes out is just thanks, dad, because it's next Friday. Yeah. But and we can cut this out if it hasn't happened. But tickets are on sale for Headgum podcast live show. That can't be how we announce it. OK, fine. Well, when are we announcing it?

Ideally, I think we wanted to announce it this week, but we're probably gonna have to wait until Monday of next week. Okay, so, well, this comes out next Friday. Okay. Yeah. Guys, we fucking made it happen, finally. We did it. In spite of the top brass,

in spite of Marika's best efforts, we finally got a live show. The first one in three fucking years. Little Field in Brooklyn, October 28th, what is it, 7.30? Eight. Eight, but be there at 7.30, why not? It's gonna be unbelievable.

The Headgum Podcast presents... An evening of jazz Geo a ZZ. Oh, hey, the A's back. I thought it was if not, it's jizz So yeah, the A is back. I Said geo geo a ZZ. I did no you didn't on our call. I said geo a ZZ Well, then you wrote it a different way and then I thought that was the final word Well, then you wrote it a different way and then I thought that was the final word Joel will be there. I don't know if we should say why I don't know if we should say why yeah All right headgun podcast presents a night of jazz GEO AZZ little field in Brooklyn October 28th Who knows next one might not be in three fucking years, right?

So make sure you're be you're there if you've been Boston take the train down If you're in Boston, take the train down. If you're in Philly, take the train up. Just because you saw segments live at Littlefield a month before that doesn't mean that you can't come back for this. I would be completely different. It's going to be completely different. I also would say, you know, better. They're getting older. It's going to be better. They really are getting older. Like, you know, Jake is exhausted. You know, and he should be. He's's a fucking dad He's a good dad, but you know I I don't think that one's gonna have the energy if you're between the two Come to the headgun podcast and if you're if you're wanting to go to both don't do that. Yeah Sold out so like we don't like they're fine

Yeah, they're fine also you can't even go to that one if you were disappointed, you couldn't go to segments live at Little Field. Literally, four weeks later, Headgun Podcast presents An Evening of Jazz. Or don't. That was a Hidgum Original.