The Headgum Podcast - 25: Raphael Says-It-All

Episode Date: November 20, 2020

JOHNNY returns to join Amir, Marika, and Geoff to discuss middle names, Dylan Sprouse, and running into your childhood bully!Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmWe have new merch in the Headgum store! Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Till the end. We haven't recorded since Trump lost, so. Right. Yeah. um we haven't recorded since trump lost so right yeah biden's gonna do amazing things for america have you seen his policy what is what's to the end in your in your mind why did you choose till the end of the american experiment when matt gets fucking runs in 2024 and beats Kamala Amir you gotta disown this dog right he's protecting me thank you we've got the core four here we've got

Johnny Villa Marika Brownlee and Amir Shmuel Blumenfeld why my middle name nobody else got that treatment I don't know Marika's middle name what Nobody else got that treatment. I don't know Marika's middle name. What is it? Elon. Elon, like Musk? Like her Twitter handle.

Okay. Johnny? Mine is Raphael, like the Ninja Turtle. Really? Yes. Wow. Mine's Aaron with two A's, so I'm feeling pretty left out here

in terms of having cool off the beaten path you know I took the road less traveled middle names it wasn't your choice it actually was I was given my parents were like we didn't want to like give you a middle name that you can have some kind of agency in your name so when I was like eight I got the choice of my middle name

and I chose Aaron you chose your own middle name at age eight yes so that's i don't know why they thought eight was the the year to do it but i didn't have a middle name until i was eight and then they had to like update it with the uh you can change your name or middle name anytime you want to what you can change your name or middle name anytime you want. No, I heard her. I just don't understand because that's actually a huge win for Uncle. Say that's your choice. Unc. What about Jeffrey Uncle James?

That's pretty good. I like that too. Junkle. You should do that actually. Marika, you're from the South. I sent Amir a tweet today that was like i was today years old when i found out that my uncle jorl is actually uncle gerald it's just that we're from the south feels correct yeah uh johnny what would your middle name be if you could choose it i think

i'd keep it i used to be uh a little nervous about my middle name especially telling it in front of other kids because it's unique and kids don't like unique things so uh i i own it now rafael i i'd make it my first name if i could rafael villa you would not have been hired. Amir, you come across, a resume comes across your desk, Rafael Villa. Are you even reading it? I assume he's already a billionaire.

His last name is what he has. Yeah. Multiples of. Villas are named after him. Villa Rafael? Oh, yeah, that's just my place on Lake Como this is going well so far but they can go off the rails at any point as we've seen in the past two weeks Amir leaves at like 25 minutes in now it's truly unbelievable why why you're auditing my behavior let's just talk have a good time and if I leave early I leave early you don't say't have to say, oh, he usually leaves here.

It's going well, but we can always go off the rails. People have been earnestly complaining that the episodes are too short. And it's absolutely not my fault. Because when Amir leaves, the energy is sucked out of the room. Well, that's a good complaint. That's like the best complaint you can have about a podcast. I was having so much fun. Why aren't they longer?

Yeah, that doesn't mean they should become increasingly shorter. But this takes us to our first segment and this one okay we should say that jake was supposed to be here uh this was actually the only time i didn't ask him last minute i gave him five days notice and he bailed at the last second he had a good reason he's currently still recording nadpod but um our first segment is called jake's takes So... Alright. I guess we're gonna have to go with... Just give me a second here. I'll cut out the dead air. You guys can talk amongst yourselves. I'm gonna come up with a better name.

Raphael says it all. L. So... A-E-L-L. Yeah, well don't worry about the spelling of it it's kind of a colloquialism like uncle jerl um so i'm gonna shout out a couple topics and we'll just wax those topics johnny uh mostly because the segment is named after you we want to hear your opinion first but anybody feel free to chime in wasn't this the exact thing that we did last time johnny was on

no that's what would johnny do so these aren't scenarios these are these are just things and our topics of conversation need thoughts what in what regard you say honey wine yeah honey what is mead i well i don't know what meat is so yeah even you saying honey wine doesn't explain it at all i feel like mead is a topic that we discuss too often in our slack channel that's why i had to lead off with this because i saw a couple of videos bear with me via uh villa sorry fuck um the of dylan sprouse's meadery always in williamsburg of all places an up-and-coming area uh sure it's below a hotel it is but yeah it is in a very fancy complex and he said that he

they decided to choose an up-and-coming area like williamsburg on fucking white is me i've been i've been to the meadery is it wine is honey boiled in water and then fermented with yeast. So it's honey wine. Yeah. Isn't that honey beer? Because there's no grapes in it, right? Oh, my fucking... Barley wine is still a wine, but it's a beer.

Yeah. Wine is just a fermented drink. It doesn't have to be made from grapes. I'll look into that later, but I don't know enough to combat it doesn't have to be made from grapes I'll look into that later but I don't know enough to combat it now so let's just mark that moment and then I guess next time I'll be like you were wrong Ferris is editing this episode

because I wanted a week off and because I have some other things I need to do I'm starting a loyal fans Johnny anyway is that only fans it's like only I don't know what the difference is they're both kind of ubiquitous uh so they're both kind of ubiquitous and what do you think ubiquitous means like perfect for the time being

no everything you say takes you into a deeper hole of being wrong i lost my train of thought oh ferris is editing this ferris fact check let's do a number crunch and he has a microphone he can record him saying right now whether or not i was right that mead is considered a honey wine so ferris let us know hey so you're wrong. This is from moonshineuniversity.com, so that's how you know it's correct. Check this out. Mead isn't beer or wine. It exists in its own category. Traditionally, mead is fermented with three basic ingredients, honey, yeast, and water. You got that right. The AMMA, the American Meadmakers Association, Jesus, they stipulate that honey must represent the largest percentage of the starting fermentable sugars by weight. Essentially, the easiest way to distinguish mead from other alcohols is by its fermentable sugar source. If it's primarily honey, then it's mead.

Whereas for beer and wine, it would be grain or fruit, respectively. So, yeah, it's kind of its own sort of thing uh everyone was wrong except moonshine university okay bye everyone and then whatever he said we're back um great i've i've been to that meadery uh i recommend the oolong mead if anyone's looking to purchase them always we like me nick rad i think pile uh went there and did a little tasting test of all of them when they just opened because nick rad was obsessed with spraus i mean so nick and our former intern dylan would like be you know around williams you can you can out them um we were like they were around williamsburg and like going to cafes and stuff for lunch and saw dylan sprouse multiple times

and it just became a running bit like in our slack channel that we constantly talk about dylan sprouse and then we found out that he opened a meadery which is insane it's insane so we had to go uh it's pretty yeah it's good i've never i've seen him outside of there once i've never seen i've never like talked to him but right his employees are nice and it's good good honey wine uh johnny what are your thoughts on mead have you ever had it no i i've actually never had it i'm very vanilla when it comes to alcoholic beverages uh i just order a gin and tonic and then i'm on my way for the rest of the night just the one or you got you have a couple i think i i can my tolerance is so low that like i save money by just keeping my tolerance low and ordering

one drink for the entire night sure you are You are a whisper in the wind, by the way. Keeping my tolerance low sounds like a medical emergency. You're a bag of bone and sinew. Indeed I am. Amir, Mead? Yeah, again, I don't know what that is. You say honey wine. It doesn't illuminate anything for me. I assume i wouldn't like it i don't like a lot of alcoholic drinks i it all tastes bad to me beer especially is one of the worst things i've ever had tried um wine is also terrible to me it's like warm and bitter i can't imagine liking mead in addition to all that other i've had mead once and it tasted like sweat yes i know and you like beer and you like wine so i can't imagine i would like it i like things that taste like juice

like apple juice is ideal for me yeah so i should have brought you some of my cider um what was in it marika can you tell me about the cider she made it for my recipe i couldn't bring it to her obviously because she lives in new york yeah i. Johnny, I shipped you a vat. I shipped you a vat to Burlington. You could have shipped me a vat because I'm not that far from him. No, I don't go past the Hudson. All right. Fair enough.

The cider, yeah, the cider was good. How do you phrase it? It's hot, buttered rum apple cider. Spiked mulled cider with a buttered rum finish no broth bad style um but it was good cool all right what about sightseeing what about sightseeing what's rafael's tells it all take. Uh, sightseeing. I love sightseeing. I'll something I, I absolutely love doing.

Uh, now that I'm stuck in my hometown, it's just going to random buildings. I think there are so many buildings that we'll never be able to enter in our own lifetimes. So I think being able to just enter as many buildings as possible. I think that's one of my bucket list things is to enter as many buildings as possible. I think that's one of my bucket list things. Is to enter as many structures as probable.

Exactly that. Yeah. What about sight? Do you keep a tally? Sight hearing. That's the noise that a vision makes to you. In a way. In a day.

So you don't even, you don't even mean the atmosphere like this like the city ambience that uh you know when you're traveling abroad you mean literally like what the vision would sound like synesthesia yeah exactly synesthesia is correct actually what would be jake's take on that i think jake would have a very interesting well not well he would just talk about synesthesia and how he probably thinks he has it. Yeah, that's cool. He doesn't listen to these, so we can say anything we want about him. Okay.

He's not actually recording an ad pod. That's one good thing. That's one good thing? One secret about Jake is that the excuse he gave you was fake. Do you know that? I would have guessed. so you think he's just like yeah he didn't want to spend the time i think he's just like vaguely busy today he's like i'll

just say that i'm recording that pod but i'll like spend this hour like snacking responding to emails just snacking doing no work just sitting in a room chowing down on rolled gold pretzel twists alright what about hikes without a view what's the point of it where like where would that be

I don't fucking know like what about like I don't know you're in like a forest so yeah you're in nature but there's no view. There's just trees as far as the eye can be. I got stung in the redwood forest. Sorry to hear that. Yeah. Hiking is still good for exercise.

Also, like, is a view literally a literally a mountain like you have to be on a cliff overlooking something like why can't trees be a view johnny i disagree i see far too many trees i think there needs to be something unique and something novel at the end of this hike or else i wasted my time well then you were hiking for the view and you weren't hiking with exercise in mind absolutely johnny's time marika what you have to understand is that johnny's time is money and valuable so like like johnny that you were recently telling me about your like whole kind of life uh you know world view as it were and just that time is money and that your time is valuable so if

you're going to do something that has to be worth it you want to tell them about your life view yeah i always say um time is money and time is valuable that's my what i that's my motto yeah you sort of leaked it and then said can you tell them about your motto well you had already said what it was amir you said that you were considering kind of a house move soon, right? Maybe Los Feliz, get more of like a village neighborhood vibe. Do you want to tell them about your thoughts on that? You're making that up entirely. Okay.

What about seasons? What about them, man? It's 81 degrees out in LA. So yeah, we had a tornado here two days ago. Okay. It's snowing in LA. We had a tornado here two days ago. Okay. It's snowing in Ohio. Seasons don't exist anymore. My AC is still in.

Seasons of wind. Our power was out on Sunday because there were strong gusts of wind. And so I couldn't, all I had to do was read. So I read this little book. It wasn't really a book. It was kind of like, you guys have seen Curb Your Enthusiasm? Yeah. No.

You remember when, oh God, who was it? Oh, George. What's on Seinfeld? What's his name? Jason. Alexander. Jason Alexander like wrote a book, but it was really like really thin. So they called it a pamphlet.

In Curb. You've got to be fucking kidding me. pamphlet in curb you named two different shows with like the character and an actor from one show because they're both kind of related look jason alexander and curb your enthusiasm his character wrote a book but it was really thin so larry was making fun of it saying that's not a book that's a pamphlet and it insults him so you read a pamphlet while the power was out at your home. Okay, well, when you say it all like that, and yeah, it sounds like I shouldn't have mentioned it. That's all you had to say.

All right. What was the pamphlet? It was about people living in Topanga in the 60s and 70s specifically on the beach so like surfing culture music etc it's cool no it's not it was why is that not cool a pamphlet about people living in topanga in 1960 see you're saying it with this like tone of disgust but if you just wrote down those words i would look at that my heart would skip a beat because i'd be so interested yeah yeah focus on more important shit i guess don't worry about like who lived in a specific canyon in la 50 years ago

i mean i'm glad you have passions personally so i don't i i'm glad you have something to do well it's hard you know it's been a hard year johnny um i went through a really tough breakup actually in march drove me into kind of a depression and uh is this the best outlet for you to be airing out your own personal grievances no i'll cut this out i'll cut this out okay he's also already he's talked about it multiple times oh beauty is pain and i've always said that that's why i use face masks that kind of get deep into my pores rip it off get all like the blackheads out it's gross when you see the mask afterwards but uh i haven't had a pimple since i was nine those aren't good for your face really yeah of course what about playing an instrument johnny do you play any instruments

yeah i do uh i play the piano uh bass and i'm a little bit of a guitar that's amazing can you play a piano is that a piano behind you behind me right to my right is a piano but i have a drum machine hooked up right now actually so so it's just gonna be drums yeah i mean i could play the piano but i'd much rather not because i'm not confident in myself let's okay why don't we you play the piano and if you don't like it we will ferris will edit it out i just think it'd be cool especially you're you're like you're single and ready to thringle so i'm wondering if maybe this show could get you laid the wrinkle yeah it's like it's like have you ever

pringled no like eating a pringle no that's partying and mingling so this would be that but with two partners you don't have to do it if you don't want to favorite sex positions Jesus Christ question yes it is how is it invasive it's the most private thing you can ask somebody that's not true i could ask your social security number i could ask your address i could fine fuck it come on no and you're not even editing this so

i have to hope to god ferris listens to this whole episode. There's an 80% chance he just scrubs through it. All right. All right. Enough bullshit. What about being reckless with your emotions? What's Raphael says it all? What is this turned into?

Listen to what you just said. How about being reckless with your emotions? What is Raphael says it all? Like, come on. Think a little bit before the sentences come out. What is Raphael says it all about that? Jesus. Where are you, by the way?

Are you in a hotel room? No, I'm in a guest bedroom. I'm in quarantine. Where? What the hell is going on? I'm home for the holidays because my dad is very immunosuppressed, so I have to quarantine for two weeks. Although, because you can't get a test in Ohio,

but I just was able to get one last night. So I'm out of here by Thursday, I think. So you arrived when? Right. Last Sunday. As in three days ago or as in 10 days ago? 10 days ago, yeah. And then for the last 10 days, you've been in this guest bedroom?

In-law suite, yeah. And you haven't seen your family? I've seen them from a distance outside, but now it's snowing, so that probably won't happen again. But I'll be fine on Thursday. My dad takes psoriasis medications that just kind of... You don't have to get into the details. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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it's definitely new york but i don't feel like I can choose New York so um at one point in time I stayed like like worked at a hostel in Massachusetts and that was pretty fun there was like a farm so I like helped out it was cool okay so you are what 25 26 26 why does it feel to me like you've lived five lifetimes because sometimes i just learned something about you i'm like where what year was that what when did you ever have time to work at a hostel uh you know was it in college no it was smaller it's like my mom and i just helped out there for a while so you weren't did you do anything for money or you just kind of lent a hand it was fun it was like i don't know there i didn't bee keep but there were like bees there there was like farming stuff to do

i didn't interact with the bees but they were around i don't know it was cool okay Johnny I guess the only place that I've lived in that's remotely interesting is uh Burlington New Jersey it's the hub of America the heart of where everything is entertainment district everything

is there one no there absolutely isn't did you go to college in New Jersey or no yes I did in Burlington no not in Burlington Is there one? No, there absolutely isn't. Did you go to college in New Jersey? Or no? Yes, I did. In Burlington? No, not in Burlington.

New Brunswick, New Jersey. Princeton, actually. Fucker. I wish I was smart enough to get into Princeton. No. No, people who go to Princeton are... I really wanted to go to Princeton. Yeah, I can see how bitter you are right now. Yeah, it's like...

But don't bring that energy into the rest of the podcast. Yeah, I'll take a break. You guys talk. Go on. Johnny, finish. Where did you go to school? I went to Rutgers. Yeah, Rutgers.

How do you know that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Rutgers. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Brunswick, that's the fat trucks, fat sal and all that stuff. Indeed. What are those called? Fat sandwiches. Fat sandwiches. Yeah, they're food trucks for stoned and drunk college kids. So, it's like

fries, chicken tenders, falafel all in like one incredibly dense sandwich, right? Yep. Imagine every single appetizer stuffed into a piece of bread. That's a fat sandwich. So what was your go-to? What was your favorite there? I think it was a fat Daryl. It's mozzarella sticks, French fries, marinara sauce. Oh, I think there are chicken tenders in there inside a sandwich. And how many bites does it taste amazing? And then when does it turn south? I think after the first bite, for sure, it starts turning south immediately because the smell is so alluring.

But then you start to realize these ingredients are not like extremely fresh, etc, etc. It's good in your mouth, but not your stomach, basically. Exactly. Yeah. Sounds like something my school had fourth meal in our dining hall. And it sounds like something that you would just make there because all of those ingredients are just like out and available and would end up on your plate somehow. Leftovers.

Is that you Chicago or in high school? Sorry, you thought my high school had a fourth meal? I've been... To midnight? Yeah, 15-year-olds are just walking the campus. I don't know what happens in Savannah, Georgia. I went to high school in Connecticut. Fuck.

How the hell am I supposed to know that i don't know i've lived five lives apparently truly yeah so it was at u chicago nice amir what was the original question you've been changing the topic of conversation so rapidly what's the coolest place you've lived city and house uh like at the same time cool houses no not at the same time coolest place i've lived i guess is israel i was born there and i lived there for a couple years that's very unique and interesting uh coolest house um maybe one of our airbnbs that we had when we moved from new york back to la we would like airbnb giant places that we couldn't afford and stay there for like a month how did you well you had to have afforded it oh no we couldn't afford like rent or to buy these

places so like we would just like pay someone like five thousand dollars to live in this mansion for a month but it was like split up between me and jake got it not marty it's your very own hype house yeah and at a certain point marty came out and then we like paid people like six thousand dollars a month to live in their mansion for a month and then we're like all right let's go to the next place but some of these places were very large and in charge did they get did that get old or was it kind of really exciting it was exciting at first and then it's like you start feeling like the need to live in a semi-permanent place so it's like all right let's try a three-month rental Let's try a six month rental. And then this is all like head gum and our place of,

um, worship. So we would like pray there, get up at eight and we would go to, we would basically do a morning prayer and then we'll go to work, which was like the living room at the time. And then we would pray at lunchtime. It's not that novel or funny. Like you started to chuckle, but it's not interesting.

And then we would go to like get like a smoothie bowl or whatever the fuck. And then at night we would just pray and go to bed. So this is like, it was a completely tax exempt because it was technically a synagogue slash cathedral slash. Your rent was tax exempt? I feel like I'm implicating myself in some sort of weird there's no tax on rent no yeah not on rent because it was a it was a mosque legally that's not why there wasn't tax there would be no tax no matter what it was and it wasn't a mosque by the way yeah no yeah it wasn't which was your favorite nah he winked uh what was your what was your

favorite house you just said one of them but you have to yeah there was this one like spanish um castle on a hill near uh griffith park that we lived on up commonwealth um and we lived there for i think six months and it was not the one with a really long staircase yeah it was like 60 stairs to get to the top and then like once you're there was like this big two-bedroom house but me marty and jake would live in it it was a two-bedroom for six thousand dollars a month um where did marty sleep great question he slept in the maid's quarters of this house which was like a small little closet off like the kitchen it was like designed in like 1921 it's the most marty thing ever yeah

i'll just pay the least amount of rent and stay in this insanely small room yeah um you're only there for six months i feel like i've never seen someone be like oh yeah just rent this place for six months also why am i the one who always gets shit for moving at like 11 months into my lease you said you didn't even stay in a place for three years. But that was Airbnb hopping. You're actually renting these places and like moving furniture around. For cheaper. For cheaper, moving furniture around for sure.

Breaking the lease. But why do we care about landlords? I don't. Cool. All right, here we go. Johnny, is there a one that got away? There are probably tens of thousands in my mind that i'm forgetting about that's cool and they all got away they all got away what about someone not what about not a romantic partner what about like just a hobby like something you think you could have

been good at but got it got away it got away from you nothing i think i'm great at everything i do nice it's a really good answer thank you how do you i'll cut ferris cut this part out but how do you be confident man i feel like you're really confident and i want to learn how to be that i don't think this is like the best place to be asking this question especially considering like i don't know your co-workers and probably people you want to be respected by are on this call right now right no for sure and it's not that i'm not confident marika but it's just like i want i want people to feel that that energy what do you have to be confident about like i want to say like just be yourself and believe i mean don't talk to johnny like that i was talking to you like you're a nobody man you have nothing going for you so like when you say i want to be confident like you have to have something to be confident in and don't stare

around the room like you're trying to like fucking justify why i would have any pride in myself you don't have any pride in yourself nor should you have any pride in yourself you're ugly on the inside and out so confidence i guess comes in one being a better person and two believing in that okay because i was wondering if maybe it was a chicken or the egg and i hear you but i just was wondering if it was a chicken or the egg where like oh maybe if i'm confident you know i'll attract the right things it's not a chicken in the egg it's just a chicken thing and you are an egg i am the egg man there is kuku kachoo kuku kamanj uh okay uh mariko what about you the one that got away a person a place or a thing um

i feel like thing wise i could still like i think i could have been a professional tap dancer and i just i stopped that was that's like a thing that i'm always like oh that would have been fun but well this a it's never too late. I think even if you got into the game right now, you could still end up on Broadway. Yeah, I don't think Broadway is my goal. I mean, I think it's like such a niche thing to try to describe. But when I was little, I used to go to essentially conventions or like festivals that are solely for like the style of tap dancing. And you like take classes with like professionals.

And I feel like that would have been the goal is to be like that type of professional that's teaching and then also doing like performances at or like old people that care about tap around the world. That's cool. I can admire that. Yeah. I did the same thing with yo-yoing yeah so there there were yo-yo conventions are you asking me or telling me clearly asking there were contests yeah i would thank you not to call them conventions because they weren't conventional by any standards um i came in 198 in the 2010 world yo-yo contest and that means you don't even make it past not even qualifiers this is like the pre the precursor the round i don't know what they called it how old were you so you didn't get

into the convention is that what you're saying i was there mostly as a spectator but because i was all the way in orlando i was like oh i might as well try and like i did a little routine for 30 seconds they're like yeah man like you don't you gotta go somewhere else that's cute if you're in times square maybe you'd get a couple dollars but not here man the big leagues yeah i want a raffle i want a raffle. I want a Raphael. What did you win, though? I won a yo-yo. All right, Amir, what about you?

The one that got away? I don't hear Avital, so I'm wondering if maybe it's her. Regrets? I've had a few. Oh. No, I mean, maybe I could have pursued stand-up comedy. I find myself a relatively quick-witted, funny performer. But the first time I tried, I failed so miserably that I gave it up forever. that had like stuck with standup and maybe got better. And I guess I could have made a lot more mistakes in my twenties. I was fairly risk averse. And now that I'm well on my way to 40, it feels like I should have taken more risks. I should have jumped off more buildings. I mean, I was too afraid. I was 24 and I felt like, all right, now is the time to start hunkering down and figuring out my financial

situation for the future where I'm like, I should have spent that decade failing. And instead I was too afraid to come home for Thanksgiving. We were talking about coming home for the holidays. I was afraid of just talking to my parents, talking to my friends back home and saying, I don't have anything to show for myself here. I came home with sand in my hands

and it just leaked through my fingers. And by the time I got there, I'm like, I have nothing for you. I have nothing for you. I probably should have bungeed in New Zealand. You did. That was a swing. I probably should have swang in New Zealand.

You did. Yeah, I guess I did. My heart wasn't in it. Wow, okay. Which is is cooler surfing or skateboarding it's a good question yeah it's actually hard this is one this episode is one this one is something i like to call a marika episode this one's for her he said it's been normal i mean just ranted about sand for two minutes a second ago yeah you were too you were too risk averse in your 20s because all you ended up with was hands of sand these are the hands of our sands i feel like surfing is cooler because you're getting up early

you don't have to i used to skip dawn patrol when i used to surf every weekend in when i was in college for one semester and we would go at noon when there'd be less people out and the surf was smaller yeah that's not cool i guess so every surfing is cooler unless you're doing it at noon to avoid crowds. Well, also, like, you just don't want to wake up early because you're talking about to get out to Malibu from USC. That's fucking that's that's 5 a.m. You have to be up. Yeah.

Why are surfers so why do they do it so early? Why can't you just go surfing at like 11? Because of the tides. I forget whether it's I think it's low tide in the morning and low tides better or it's the opposite but um the surf is better in the morning yeah i guess to me skateboarding is cooler but that's that's from like my really wanting to skate when i was in high school and like buying a longboard and stuff i've never i have never surfed john did you ever surf at the shore no i've never gone surfing uh it is a little bit frightening to me uh because the water is so deep and it's been so so much has been unexplored about the ocean that god forbid i get

lost and i don't know pass away yeah the parts of the ocean that haven't been explored are like deep deep like several thousand meters deep you don't have to worry about like being a couple yards away from the beach yeah but i don't know we really don't know how deep it goes do we we do right yeah near the beach yeah you can probably guess that it's less than 20 feet like you can't you can't see the bottom at like. No. At the beach. I think, yeah, you have a stigmatism.

That's different. I haven't been in the ocean so long that I think I'm now scared of it. Well, you know what I'm looking forward to is, I mean, for you guys to come out. Hopefully this is possible like next August or September. The delayed HeadGum fifth year anniversary slash sixth year anniversary party. You guys guys come out to LA suddenly we're all up at 5 a.m. we're dawn patrol we're going to fucking staircase beach in Malibu we're catching the waves we're pissing off the locals somebody slashes your tires because you're not welcome at this beach and Johnny sails not surfs all the way down to Marina Del Rey. And guess who he sees?

The one that got away. A.K.A. Matt King. Who? From the vlog squad. Because he's at the fucking Google hangar doing a Google hangout. Alright.

If animals could talk, which animal would be the rudest i think it would be a skunk what am i doing what am i doing right now look at me i think i need to quit comedy. Are you kidding for this? I think this isn't for me anymore. For whatever reason, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. That question. Shawnee sailing?

You just said you wish you could have done stand-ups too. I know, but now that is even canceled. All right, fine. Skunks, because they're like... They would be like getting a stinky ear or something like that. Making us smell bad. In a way. This really messed you up.

I feel like I've said and done much worse shit. He's crying. What the... Are you kidding me? Why are your hands so stiff if you're sad? Like, you should be loose if you're sad. He went into rigor mortis.

Lucifer said. Oh. What's the worst thing you guys have said to us like somebody in the food service industry oh good one uh let's think let's think i told off a waiter for what i asked her to speak up because it was sort of one of those cool, hip, trendy restaurants. And I was wearing a mask and a fedora. This was before COVID. And I couldn't hear her to the point where I'm like, speak up, lady.

And she's like, you can't talk to me like that. And I'm like, all right, if I can't talk to you like that, maybe I could talk to your manager. And the manager, for whatever reason, used to pick on me junior high into high school and college. And you should have seen the look. Did he go to Berkeley

or was it from afar? No, nearby. He used to fucking beat the shit out of me. He used to beat the shit out of me. So when she called him over, oh my God, his eyes widened like saucers. And I was like, oh shit. And eyes widened like saucers and i was

like oh shit and you know like i swear like i ran so fast my fedora like hung in midair and just like fell like almost like looney tune style i beeline the fuck out of there and i'm pushing on the door and i guess it's locked or maybe it was like a push pull thing and i wasn't reading it correctly he ends up catching up to me grabbing my ankle fucking scorpion from mortal kombat style come here get over here and my date is like egging him on because she this is on a date yeah yeah because he hated me too so and he's beating the living shit out of me you know like have you ever seen someone like oh my god that guy's fucking definitely dead because i was playing dead until like he actually knocked me out the yeah the rudest thing i had said to the waitress was speak up i can't hear you lady or something like that but i don't remember like starting

after appetizers that night into the following year like i i was in a medically induced fugue state what year was this this was like 2018 we knew each other you know the year like remember the remember the month i said i got jaw surgery and i was like out of commission for like the holidays yeah no i thought that you were just like i thought that was your lasASIK appointment yeah it rolled into LASIK because I had to get reconstructive situations done also this is such a small thing but just like when you're telling stories like that

and you're like somewhat joyful about a very negative situation don't like like that you know like in the middle where you're like swallowing saliva and like yeah I get like so hyper that I forget to like my like autopilot faculties turn off like i don't think i blinked for the last two minutes what about this what about an autopilot faculty meeting so it's like you'll be at like a school board uh you know kind of boardroom meeting and it's like just people yeah he's gone you can tell

he was you could tell that was it. I watched his eyes move from the center of his screen to the corner where the leave meeting button was. What are you guys' favorite scents? I have a funny story about this. That's not funny, Marika. All right, Johnny, let's hear it. So back in high school, I had a crush on this girl. Name? Full name? uh i'm not gonna do that and we'll bleep it out just full name okay uh i'm not gonna do that no here's her full name i'm not even editing it ferris will say he'll

bleep out the full name are you sure all right yeah nothing gets by ferris why you don't need to know this jeff i want to know it's not for the show i just want to know but you don't need to know this, Jeff. I want to know. It's not for the show. I just want to know full name. Yeah, but you don't need to. What are you going to do? I might know her. Full name? Okay, her name was... Alright, cool. Ferris footnote at 43 minutes, 50 seconds.

Don't cut it out. Okay, did you know her though? Because you were asking because you thought you would know her, right? Oh, no, I didn't know her. Okay, so what was the point? First of all, how would it have added to the story if you knew who this person was? I mean, this is why I was... Whatever you said, go on.

All right, so she... I don't know if it was just her shampoo, but since I had a crush on her, every time she'd come into class i'd smell the shampoo and for some reason it activated some sort of pavlovian response sure in which anytime i would smell that smell outside of like the the context of being in the classroom yeah like my nose would essentially perk up and okay yeah it would be your name yeah yeah sorry sorry i should have prefaced with that no i get what you mean though i've had that with like like longer term partners but um it is a pavlovian response i was just talking to

somebody about a pavlovian response where songs if you like like do you guys have a sex playlist in response where songs if you like like do you guys have a sex playlist no okay well for the longest time in high school my sex playlist was quando quando quando by michael buble over and over and over again and so now anytime i hear that song it's just i'm ready to go johnny i swear to god cut all of this out from the start. From the start of the show? No, like the start of scents. Okay. I like sandalwood. Yeah, man.

Are you going to let me talk ever? No, go on, go on. Sorry. I'm just going to fucking say that I like furs or like bed bath and body works leaves it smells like apples that one's good oh like douglas for like pine trees yeah yeah i thought you meant like a mink scarf like you absolute the smell of a rug by the fire in my cabin. Johnny, do you like scents? Are you like a cologne guy? Aftershave, beard oil, anything?

I used to be a big cologne guy, but then I started realizing it just feels a little bit unnatural to be wearing cologne. If you find the Johnny scent, I think it could be huge. There's also those ones that you can spray that don't smell like anything but amplify your own scent. Whoa. I've never tried those.

What does that even mean? There's colognes where if you smell it, it doesn't smell like anything, but it just chemically reacts on your skin and makes its own scent person to person interesting should we all do that we can do it like that one uh we did this um spicy chip challenge johnny over the summer or last summer two summers ago 2019 and uh it was so spicy but just like me and marty did it nobody else wanted to do it but it could be fun if we all kind of got together and we all did our own sense and then you can kind of go around and smell people

and then just kind of figure out oh there's Marty okay Claire we all did our own sense I'm wondering if that would make any sense yeah would it make sense S E N S E would it make sense C E N T

S like people people pay for the sense. Sense being S-C-E-N-T-S. Yeah, we got it. Yeah, you got it. We got it. Similar to a line in Hamilton too. Say it. I never spent a cent that wasn't mine.

You sent the dogs after my cent. That's fine. If he could... Actually, yeah, that's really good. I was going to punch it up, but that's fine if he could actually yeah that's really good i was gonna punch it up but that's real that's perfect uh have you ever been to a walgreens that has their like perfume section have you ever seen these oh yeah there's like there was one in chicago where they just have like these bottles of individual, like very specific scents like dirt or grass. Like some of them are normal and then some of them are like dirt and like weird, very specific things that all smell bad.

That sounds horrible. I used to go into Walgreens and smell those. Dirt? Is it a gag? Is it like a joke? No, they're like real perfume bottles oh i think we have to end on that note um thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of the head gun podcast thank you to johnny marika amir for coming on amir

specifically for staying to 42 minutes yeah i was really was really proud of him. I was too. I was hoping we would get to 45, but we didn't. Thank you to Ferris Monchi as always. The Lockless Monch Monch? The Lockless Monchi. He like broke. Somebody comes in from the background, turns a giant key in my back.

What's that um john do you have anything to plug uh i do guys go out and vote if you're still in line go out and stay in line stay in line you have to vote this is novemberth. The election's been called for over a week. Hmm? Never mind. Did you vote? Yeah. Well, yeah, of course I did. But there are still people in line, I'm assuming. So stay in line. I think if you're in line, go home. That feels really fair.

Anything else? Marika? Plugs? Follow me on social media also oh next week uh is the high and mighty sixth annual thanksgiving eve power hour yes are you guys going i will be i will be going i'm going i shall be in attendance um i mean going is buying a ticket for $10. It's for charity. It'll be really fun. I'm very nervous for all of our nice friends that are just going to be getting drunk at home. But it'll be a good time. Johnny, you should come.

It's not a Zoom thing. I don't know why I'm going to see you guys there. Yeah. We can Slack. Yeah. And yeah, I guess that about wraps it up. We'll see you guys again next week. Uh,

thanks for listening to the show. If you like the show, like what you hear and have any extra time on your hands, uh, give it a five star rating on iTunes. Uh, it really helps us out with the algorithm and, we'll see you guys again next week.

Bye. That was a Hiddem Original.