The Headgum Podcast - 251: Blunt Force Karma

Episode Date: April 18, 2025

Cecily Breaux (I'm A Good Person) joins Geoff, Amir, Allie, and Will to discuss the oscars, Cecily’s Sesame, childhood bullying, before playing two brand new segments - Dealbreakers, and Rutherford B. Or Sean!» FOLLOW Cecily on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cecilybreaux/» FOLLOW Geoff on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/geoffreyjames/» FOLLOW Amir on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amir/» FOLLOW Will on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/willconover/» FOLLOW Allie on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alliekahan/Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. With a five dollar meal deal with new McValue, you pick a Mcdouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Prices and participation may vary. Mcdouble meal six dollars in some markets for a limited time only. Anything to say to the people on you? Keep like and subscribe and tell your friends. That's the beginning of hot episodes. I don't know what else to say. People are loving the show this year. Oh. Oh, or know what else to say. People are loving the show this year. Oh.

Oh, or you're proud of me. Yeah. Yeah. Special guest, Cecily Brough on the show, fan favorite. It's been too long. It's been like a year and a half. Oh my gosh, thank you. Stop, you don't have to.

The last time you were on the show, or no, you were on a little while after that, but one of the last times you were on the show, we did a squatting contest and Billy Brick refused to do it so then everybody accused me of misogyny Yeah, trying to get two women to squat on camera which we didn't even show you guys squatting Yeah, well I like took to reddit and said let me tell you you well you were using your burner accounts being like Jeffrey James is canceled I cancel him right away. me feel uncomfortable in the room and on the day. Um, do you want to plug your show right up top?

Yeah, I would love to. I have a show called I'm a Good Person. It will be at UCB, April 22nd at seven, and then in New York, May 15th at seven. UCB LA and then UCB New York? Yes. Nice. Yeah.

This episode won't come out till right around then. So it should be the Friday before. What do you mean when? March 14th, this episode? No. April. Oh, you're holding this one till April. We're banking episodes already.

I didn't know that. We're recording two next week. You're just not on them because sometimes, yeah, you don't really bring the heat. Will Conover back in the booth with me. Hey, Jeff. Haven't had someone behind here other than Casey in a minute.

I thought we were in Studio G, so we did overbook the episode, but now there's sort of two people hogging one mic, which I don't appreciate. I'm just happy to be here, honestly. I thought I was gonna get bumped. We have a lot to get to. Bond of the Week, big news in Bond,

we've already talked about it, but not with this crew. Barbara Broccoli sold the franchise to Amazon. For how much? I don't know, they didn't disclose. You ask the wrong questions a. For how much? I don't know. You ask the wrong questions. How much? I'm curious. It's a big deal.

You don't know about deals. What do you care? I'm curious what the rights to making James Bond is it like a much did you have to pay to get the rights to Jake and Amir back? A billion. One bill.

Would it be a thousand million basically? American dollars for a thousand thousand million basically mmm American dollars for a thousand years yeah American dollars yeah no that's not real my bond of the week is well so Conan had a bond of the week do you see this yeah no it sounds like Leno but that's me trying to do Conan this is me doing this is me doing Leno That's good No his was like Stephen Geisler or something

See the senior VP of something at Amazon. It was a pretty good bond of the week. Yeah. Yeah during the Oscars you want to go first Oscar so Your bond of the week is the Oscar statue? The titular Oscar, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. It flopped, actually. Cecily?

You're shocked. You're stunned. Cecily? My Bomb of the Week? Bond. Did you say bomb? I heard bomb. Okay.

Shows you where I'm at. Well, that's just, you know, you see me and then you think. Right, right, right. Famously, yeah. You usually check my shoes before we hang out. Okay, where I'm at well. Let's just you know you see me, and then you think right right right famously yeah You usually check my shoes before we hang out. Yeah, well. That's just me um Bond of the week the fact that no one else laughed at that makes you yeah, you are wearing unique shoes right now I'm wearing Merrill's hiking Well moab threes actually they're back in style are they?

I'm trying to bring them back gov Thank you seeing bond of the week Um I guess these earrings I got but now they're covered by the headphones I have on that would be you want to show them sure yeah Lisa says guy was a birthday gift for me from you to me so Yours is a statuette. So, yours is a statuette.

Yours is earrings. Yeah. Lot of inanimate object bonds. You wanna kinda save us, Amir? Mine was also gonna be a doorknob. Wow. Oh, shit. But now I'm starting to second guess myself.

Maybe it should be a handle? So another inanimate object. The same thing as a doorknob, basically. But more, yeah. Dumb as a, yeah. Exactly. Allie? Well, I was gonna say,

first I was gonna go with June Squib, but then I was thinking about it more, and I was like, you know those automatic doors that open when you walked right past the sensor? Yeah. Yeah. Those are amazing. Yeah, as Bond? Yeah.

So it really is gonna go down the tubes, then. The Amazon Bond. Yeah. So it really is gonna go down the tubes then, the Amazon Bond. I don't know. Well, I was gonna say Mater. What does that mean? Like Toe Mater from Cars? And what do you mean by that? With like utter joy?

Yeah, Toe Mater, because what was the last thing Mater did? Cars? Cars. Mater, I don't even know her. It's the perfect- Something like that? That could replace Bond, James Bond. Yep. What was the last thing Mater did? Cars? Cars. Mater? I don't even know her. It's the perfect- Something like that?

That could replace Bond, James Bond. Yep. Also the car chase scenes will be easy for them to shoot because it's basically just him running. It's all they do. When a car runs, it's basically driving. Yeah. We haven't heard much out of Mater

and I wonder if it's the perfect comeback vehicle for that vehicle I would argue he is the most famous car of cars. I think even a TV show. What about her be fully loaded? Forgotten, I'm a fan. I've never heard of Mater, but I have heard of Lightning McQueen. Yeah. Well, he's already a star titular Yeah, is Mater the one that sort of is Yeah, he's like a he's a tow truck yeah, okay You want Darth Vader to like put a tux on over his armor no, I want a door handle to play you poo-poo that idea so I'm starting to

Start from page one. Did you guys see Andrew Garfield with Goldie Hawn at the Oscars? Yeah, I didn't so I'm imagining Maider doing that with Herbie fully loaded Yeah, Herbie being like you were a legend I love you and then she was like I can't read that can you kind of like holding her being like, you were a legend. I love you. And then she was like, I can't read that, can you? Kind of iconic. Man. Do cataracts really affect your vision that much?

I feel like she was kind of hamming it up. I think she's a liar, let's just say it. I'll come out and say it. I think she can rate it fine. I'm a Goldie on truth. One time when I was a baby, she and Kurt Russell allegedly said that I was cute mom at a restaurant That's which was this in Chicago. Yeah in Chicago apparently they were standing behind her at

Like waiting to check in with the host and she said what a cute baby my mom turned around it It was Goldie on oh shit my god It's funny we went from a golden bond to Goldie hand That's really good. That's the kind of thing if I said, I'd be really proud of. Exactly. Sorry, what'd you say?

I was, we are having overlapping dialogue, but it ultimately is turning into like, like you were saying, crosstalking. Yeah. What were you saying? Oh, I was just kind of riffing, but it's over now. It was really good.

What about like Crossfire? We did like our version of Crossfire. What is that? It was with Tucker Carlson and like the early 2000s and that other guy. Oh, there's Marty. Great. He still works here? Yeah. He's leaving a bit early, it looks like.

Oh no, he's going back to the office. More work to get done. He was kind of performatively... He heard Will. He's kind of performatively checking the studio calendar there to see who's basically begging for us to invite him in. Marty! He's hanging out there so you Marty! You would do this. It's soundproof in here. Well I'm fired. Welcome to the last episode of the Hedgum Podcast. Um. Word of the day.

The word of the day this week is on in soy in soy. Yeah. Like enjoy soy. That's almost exactly correct. Basically it's E.N.S.O.Y. And it's something you would say to someone when to Encourage them to enjoy their sauce right oh and so like so sauce yeah like soy sauce soy glaze Miso paste in soy

Right so like I get so Waiters can say it to people you can say it to your friends So you're at like you know all you can eat sushi buffets or something They like lay down like the California roll and they say and so your meal or in store jacket. Well not in so your meal That's no, I'm not using it correctly. Well. It's just so new yeah It's fresh. I'll say that so you say it's so and it's like enjoy your so but it could also in this is an alt It's either or I don't think it can be both You know when you're like rock climbing and it's like on belay belay on lay on on soy

soy on So that's more like fun and interactive where it's like they hand you your dish and they're like on soy and I'm like soy on No, I would make someone's day No, or you love it So, no. That would make someone's day. Sure. Yeah. No or you love it? That's the worst one. It makes no sense. Last week it was Disappoint Milk,

which is when your son- That makes me angry. Yeah, I was gonna say. I'm mad. It's what happens when your son is a disappointment, or sorry, it's what happens when your son is a dud. Yes. Or rather a milk dud. A milk dud. or sorry, it's what happens when your son is a dud. Yeah, or rather a milk dud. A milk dud.

So wait, he's a treat? Yeah, he's basically chocolate covered caramel, which is basically burnt sugar, and it's a disempoint milk instead of disappointment. Disempoint milk. But you think Ansoys, Soyon is worse. Yeah, I think that's worse. They're trending up.

No. Lateral? Down. I'm telling you, the one you just came up with I think that's worse. They're trending up. No lateral down Telling you the one you just came up with is the worst one Amir this did make me think of you talk amongst yourselves in the meantime we can play everyone's favorite new game Cecily's sesame Oh It's all changed. Yeah, do that every year in so long that it's all changed. Yeah, have you not been on since you made that terrible scarf? Wouldn't call it a scarf a scarf would be generous. It would what an ascot. I would say it's a dental dam made out of yarn

You didn't see the scar I think it will be great. Okay. Well, I couldn't figure out I could not keep track of the stitches So it was sort of like this and then I showed it before I really thought the recording started last time we did a remote record and After that I was like, okay, I'm taking the feedback which is start over right? Literally the feedback was start over. This is not gonna work, but I have a new scarf now, so store-bought No, I'm making it. I'm worried about skill and being crafty like it's kind of going like this

and being crafty, like, it's kind of going like this. But it's pretty long. I'll say I had more faith in the scarf than Marika did, and Marika wouldn't hurt a fly. She's the one who said, you're in a good place to start over. You're in a good place to start over. That's tough to receive. Here's what I'll say about the scarf.

I think you're in a great position to quit. Yeah, that's a hard thing. That's how I took it, and she said, no, that's not what I said, I said start over. That's awesome. It's really funny. All right, Amir, this did make me think. That's how I took it. And she said, no, that's not what I said. I said, start over. That's awesome. It's really funny. Amir, this did make me think of you.

So here we go. Okay. You chose. You are not a victim. Not at all. Your generosity concealed something dirtier and meaner. You're incapable of facing your ambitions and you resent me for it, but I'm not the one who put you where you are.

I have nothing to do with it. You're not fair. You're not fair. You're not fair. You're not fair. You're not fair. You're not fair. You're not fair.

You're not fair. You're not fair. You're not fair. You're not fair. You're not fair. You're incapable of facing your ambitions and you resent me for it, but I'm not the one who put you where you are. I've nothing to do with it. You're not sacrificing yourself as you say. You choose to sit on the sidelines because you're afraid. Because your pride makes your head explode before you can even come up with a little gem of an idea.

And now you wake up and you're 40 and you need someone to blame. And you're the one to blame. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards.

You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. And now you wake up and you're 40 and you need someone to blame and you're the one to blame. You're petrified by your own fucking standards. Just a man's mouth open receiving that monologue.

Wow. What's this? This is Channel 1206 movie hub romance. The scene I just came up on my explore page and I was like, this is so Amir. That movie was nominated for an Oscar too, I think, Anatomy of a Fallen. Sandra Hewler. Yah.

Is Amir Hewler or is he the dead husband? No, he's on the receiving end. Yeah. And why did it make you think of a mirror The whole monologue reeked of you, but it did that one line and now you wake up in your 40 You need someone to blame. I just feel like that's kind of your vibe when you come on the show is that you're like Oh, this is like a waste of my time. I'm gonna show up with low-energy Jeb and it's like that's not my fault that you're out of ideas

Greatest Jake and Amir episode tournament like we're scraping the bottle of the barrel. Yeah, I should say we should plug that That's on our I wouldn't even mind because I benefit in our patreon So you can watch those and weigh in and vote for your favorite episode And it's actually kind of a good idea because it's like a March gladness situation again if you came up with it Let me know because I did steal it, but I forget from whom I thought you came up with it Because you texted me hey, I had this great idea in the dead of night really yeah, I'm gonna take credit for it Welcome back to sesame's sorry It's rare there's a vocal flub on the show.

No, it's never happened. Cecily's sesame. Mm-hmm. Basically, how many seeds does bro own? How many seeds? I mean, you're the only one who can answer this. Sure. But genuinely, in your apartment, how many seeds do you have?

It could be, it doesn't have to be just sesame. It really, I don't want to limit you to the seed. I actually have a packet of lavender seeds. Can you believe it? Someone gave it to me. Alright, wah-wah. Whoa! Wow! Everybody! ["The Last Supper"]

["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] So how many seeds? I feel like you're circling the drain. Sure, sure, sure. 26. 26 seeds. So you don't have any sesame. You said seed! I'm gonna- All seeds! I thought you meant all seeds! All seeds! You're saying- If you have a thing of sesame seeds, I'm starting to get upset. I have sesame oil not seeds Lavender seeds it was those are the only seeds you have yeah All right, I have to accept yeah, I think some people where they are instead of wishing they were different Yeah, see you Jeff. I also have to tell you that I was called sesame street when I was in preschool

And it was like what the bullies said To me, so like this terrible Yeah, that's not Me you have thick skin is a real question Well, yeah Now I do cuz that that couldn't have hardened you because it's not an insult and a journey of that for me I took it as an insult. It wasn't said as a fun thing by the other kids Are you sure cuz I'm worried that they were trying to give you a positive nickname and you're like gaslighting me in my own

Experience I wouldn't even mind. Yeah, if you change How would they say it they'd be like sesame Street I like to reenact it Your eyes are like up with tears so I'm gonna hog this camera I'm okay. Where in America was that? This was Louisiana. Yeah, they could be really mean down south. They were mean to me in preschool. I got it. You know?

Kids are not afraid. If someone calls you like... This was in... Where was I? This was in Baton Rouge. I was gonna guess Baton Rouge. There's only like two cities. Yeah, but. There's actually more than that, but.

Really? Well, like the cities that you could be from. Brobridge. There's a difference between like boys bullying and girls bullying, or these girls. It's mind games. It was girl. Yeah.

Well, bully burning. Her name is Crudite? Yeah, her name is Crudite. Her name is Crudite. Last name. She also did E. And you were the bully? Yeah. Not Y? Her name is Crudite. Her name is Crudite. And you were the bully-ee? Yeah. Not why?

Her name was Crudite. Okay. Cruella De Vil. Cruella De Vil, yeah. Say the real name and we won't bleep it out. Her name was... Her name was... Yeah, that's a bully name.

Isn't that a bully's name? I feel like you would beat the shit out of minorities. Wrong. Oh. Yeah. You never hear from. Oh. What's that? You never hear from the bully.

So you're saying the bully. You're never like, yeah, kindergarten, I used to make fun of this kid and call him Sesame Street all the time. Like you never hear about that. Because people are in shame. They're ashamed of themselves. Or do they just like repress that memory?

Like you only remember being bullied. Are you saying that I might be the bully? Who might have been? Somebody's gotta be the bully. And it's all the same with car accidents. Oh, I was in a car accident. It was my fault. You never hear that.

It's all somebody else's. That one I feel like people will readily admit. I've been in three car accidents in my life and they were all my fault. Yeah, that's good. Were you also a bully ever? What's that? Ownership is good. What's that, ownership is good? Yeah.

What do you mean? To take ownership. I thought you meant of the car. Of the car, yeah. I was like. Ownership is good, what are you? That's a bad example. Yeah, not for the lease.

Uh. You were a bully. No, but I was a bullied. Yeah. But there was one time that I was trying to be friends with someone, but I'm doing my shtick where I'm rousing them, and I did it too soon in like sixth grade.

And he was like, hey, this really hurts my feelings every time you like make fun of me. I was like, I'm actually trying to like connect with you. And then we became vague friends. I'd say the same thing could be true of the Sesame Street. Yeah, they could have been trying to like that's my favorite show But the tone you did say it in leads one to believe it wasn't in Raz It wasn't in friendship cruel intention and you mind if we kind of move Like you behind the desk you're starting to like dictate. Should I leave?

No, I think stay but just kind of like I like seeing you two Sit together. I kind of is like It's a Burton Ernie What about the balcony guys the balcony Muppets what the balcony Muppets Stal door what are their names and you know them all door and Waldorf yeah, Stal door Stadler the stall door fist or dinting And that's a hotel I'm making. The Staldorf sucks. We do have to take a quick break and we'll be right back. If there's not an ad booked on the show, you don't think so? There's not been an ad booked on the show in a long time. Yeah. And we're starting to debate whether that's my fault or whether it's Brad's fault, right?

I think the debate was rested Well the kid yeah, that was like last year though. I explained it to me that last year's lack of effort Is paying negative dividends this yeah, which means next year there might be tons of wall-to-wall Unless we get canceled in the meantime Yeah, we will be right back after no messages. Oh, yeah. Guys, imagine if there was an edible that was so loomy that it didn't get you too stoned,

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for 30% off your order. Again, that's LumiGummies, L-U-M-I, gummies.com. Code, what's that? LumiGummies.com code, I love saying it, what's that? And enjoy whatever edible you're high. How easy was that? Simple. Yeah. We have many segments to get to. Does anybody have any comments so far? How are you? How are you feeling? Good? I feel overall fine. But again, really, as soon as I sit here and have to talk to Jeff, I get exhausted. Are you worried you have like rotovirus or something?

Cause I think I had that last week. I don't think so because it only exists in this room and space in relation to you. I think you are some sort of, what do you take to go to sleep? Melatonin. Yeah, you're a melatonin man. Magnesium.

Yeah. CBD. Yeah. That's the good stuff. You make me drowsy Your lousy makes me drowsy is it what I Say or what I am. I don't know I feel like I need to fall asleep listening to this podcast more, but you've also said I nauseate you so is it like a Swinging in the air motion. I'm so drunk and I'm trying to fall asleep.

The room is spinning or is it? Yeah, you're sort of seasickness. But I'm also a cesarean section, you said, because it feels like I'm stabbing you in the ears. I need to come in here with those wristbands, the Dramamine wristbands. I was gonna say, or maybe even the nicotine patch, because that's kind of a stimulant. Yeah. Coffee, cafefe, taffife. That's for all my UK fans out there. Unbelievable.

It's getting worse. The heat or air conditioning just turned on. I will eat your ass! You never play any song before. Why the worst loudest one for so long? Welcome to Deal Breakers. Okay. Brand new segment. This is a list of things that someone could do

as your partner. There are no right answers. And we just kind of all go around and say whether that's a deal breaker to us or not. Sound good, Amir? Yeah. Wise up. That's a deal breaker.

Somebody who writes checks to pay for everything, no exception. Oh. Not ideal, but not a deal breaker. Kind of charming in a way. You guys are desperate. I'm just curious, how old are you, you know, if you're writing checks for everything? Young. Young?

A young person doing it? How hip. Okay, not a deal breaker. Wow. Ali? A deal breaker. Thank you. I don't trust that those won't bounce. You're going to be at McDonald's in the drive-thru and just be like, how much? $19.60? No, and then they're standing there going, hold on, I got to balance it. I'd have to call my bank, make sure I'm good for the funds. By the way, don't cash this till Thursday. You have to pay for it now, man. We can't cash a check. Can you pay for McDonald's with checks?

Can you just let the segment unfold? I don't think you could do anything with checks anymore. Yeah. Probably. But I never see it. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, you can pay an employee with a check. I know that.

For a fact. I know that's right. Right? Yeah. But not for 30 days at Head Gum, right? Net 30. All of a sudden. I get pretty pretty standard bi-weekly salary That's because I'm a full employee of the company another country. What about a half-assed time?

Employee so even my half-time. I think the rules are different. They're best bent for people like you And get bent So imagine adopting a son. Okay. Naming him Brent. Brent? Get Brent. Get Brent. That's.

Deal breaker. A deal breaker. What's that? Someone who's never had a yam and also isn't open to trying it. Deal breaker, sorry, I'm a potato girly. That's not gonna happen. I wish Casey was here.

He'd love that. Yeah. Why does Casey not wanna try yams? No, she just said she was a potato girly and I feel like that's kinda Casey's vibe. God, I love a potato. Donahue? Yeah.

He's more of a butternut squash-smitin. Smitin? He's a go-ord. Go-ord? So dude but go-ord? Yeah, I guess in a way. I'm the go-ord man. Hi. That's the Big Lebowski but starring Veggie Tales.

Nervous with that guy. Did you know the Big Lebowski's screening downtown LA April 16th with Jeff Bridges? Probably leave me alone. Hahaha! Putting it on the radar if anyone wants to come with me. Hahaha! Ali, not open to having a yam. What do we think? Oh, I don't care. I don't like sweet potatoes that much to be honest.

I was gonna say, uh... So, doesn't affect my life at all. Will? Deal broken. Mm-hmm. The lack of curiosity is the hardest part. Wow, that was an intelligent take, actually. Wow.

Yeah, they're not, the closed off-ness to a new experience. I would speak volumes. Yam, bam, see you later, ma'am. You're out of air. What? Thought I was just playing along. No, I love it. No, I know what you're doing.

What's next, Jeff? He's trying to come up with catchphrases to put on shirts, and if it didn't work then, it's not going to work now. Like a yam, bam, thank you, ma'am? Well, when Ali says it, I want to put it on. Yeah, yam bam thank you ma'am. Well when Allie says it, I wanna put it on. Yeah, I can see that as a crop top with a little yam saying it, that's fun. That's good, it can honestly go on that sweater

because that's like very fall. My hair position is GEO. Okay, someone who's afraid of the light. Are we talking about Nicole Kidman and the others or? Oh god, such a good movie. I don not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. So going outside during the day is scary? Well, I'm sure they would do it, but they'd be scared as hell. They're scared 100% outside. Well, only like 12 hours of the day. And if you have lights on in the house.

It's not going to work for them. It's a deal breaker. You can't exist in complete darkness forever. Maybe for a little, but not long term. Sorry, the yam you're out. No, the yam's fine. What did you say the first one? Checks that they're gone, but if they can't have a lamp. Well, I'm okay with hanging out with someone in the dark, maybe. Okay, okay.

I don't know. Will. Deal. Broken. I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy!

I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy!

I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy!

I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I'm a boy! I could cover the thunderstruck. Yeah. Can we get a listener submitted non-copyrighted royalty free version of like, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Is that ACDC? Yeah. Yeah. It's the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader song. Yeah.

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no. Someone who's amazing at sex but doesn't believe in apologies. Oh, deal breaker. That's probably fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna say no, thank you. Deal breaker to you. Yeah. Well, being in love means never having to be able to say you're sorry. Yeah.

That's right. Plus then you get the amazing thing. Oh my God, I got gifted that DVD once in high school because my name's Ali and Ali McGraw. Kind of a weird movie. What about the wild movie? They gifted it to you because your name. Can you believe that they used to just not tell you

if you had cancer and they would just tell someone else and be like, I'll let you handle it. Love, disease? Love story. Oh. Sorry. Also like in Mad Men when Don Draper keeps getting like phone calls from his wife's analyst.

I'm like, this is insane. I'm rewatching Mad Men and God. Oh, so good. Tough Betty. Will just finished it. First time ever. Really? Yeah, it was very sweet.

Wow, who's your favorite character? Oh, don't make me choose. That's okay, we don't have to. Look at this guy. Sterling, yeah, you got Sterling. Come on. You got Charles today, you got Sterling. Sterling.

Voice of an angel. Someone who believes you can get all the hydration you need from dairy. Oh. Or sorry, I changed it from malts. Malts? Correct, yeah, malted milkshakes. In Malta. Okay, I don't like malt.

I don't know how you guys feel. I have tried Whoppers so many times and I don't like it. Whoppers are gross, but malted milkshakes, I feel like are good to have, especially chocolate. I feel like there's a hint of the Whopper. We'll do a company outing to the Fair Oaks pharmacy in South Pass. We really won't.

What do you mean? What about Thursday lunch? Super won't. No. No we won't. Do we live in a place, me and this person, where there's two bathrooms? What do we say, do we give it to her?

I think, yeah, there's a full and there's a half. If you've got the, I think there's a half. Okay, and that's reasonable. Yeah. But the opening of the half is near the kitchen. Oh no. The toilet is the stove. Got it, okay.

You know what, it's not gonna be a deal breaker. That's awesome. Yeah, that's such a quirk, how fun. Silly. So silly. How fun silly so silly Super loud whoo that one just kept going Anyone else? For what? Malt! Malt is the only form of hydration.

Bad, yeah, I need someone to have water with. So like you're sick as a dog. They're like fucking playing nurse to you. And instead of Nyquil, they give you a fucking milkshake? Yes, well not Nyquil, but like, pedialyte. That's kind of what happens to me when I'm sick though. Like when I'm sick, I'm like, bring on a milkshake. Bring on, something happens where I start eating

like a teenage boy. Don't know what that is, if anyone wants to get back to me on that. Comfort food. It's soothing to the throat, but let's say it's not sore, the throat. It's just that you need fluids, and this person keeps bringing you malt. And you're like, I really need Pedialyte or Gatorade.

And they're like, right, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I made another malt. You said this before. Let me go get you some Pedialyte. Made another malt? 30 minutes later, they come back you some pedialyte made another 30 minutes later They come back and they're like, ah This is a malt. What is a malt? It's a fucking milkshake with malted milk powder. It's like what's 32 minutes

32 minutes two and a half more segments to get to. That's the malt. Okay. Someone who believes cars are single use. How could they live like that? So they just Uber? Just enjoy the game, I think. Let's just play along and I'll give an answer.

Are they rich or are they severely in debt? I think they do fine. They're fine. They're like 80,000 salaried. 80,000. Yeah. You can't afford that. I do like that in heist movies

when they've thought out the car getaway, the car changes and exchanges, like you go to a garage, you get out of this one, you get into this one, you go here, then you get into a new car. I love it when they plan it out. Yeah. But I can't speak for this normal circumstance Yeah, well you can chime in whenever you want. It's a bike is what I was thinking

They never use the car, but if they do it's one time Let's say they bike sometimes, but their commute is long yeah, so they can't really take a train or a bus Buses are are they the single use as well. Let's say they keep forgetting about buses. Oh Deal-breaker deal-breaker Yeah, they're so big yeah, I'm reading LA woman. Oh my god. I read uh, oh my god You're reading Yes, listen to this rap Damn

Daniel, back at it again with the white man You're my sesame street Oh my god No, I'm saying she's my bully. You guys were all like, oh that's sweet. No, it's not I think it's not I think it's really sweet. I think it's sweet that somebody bully now. That's kind of been my whole trajectory Yeah, you know yeah hurt. Yeah hurt people hurt people where I'm from bullies get bullied Incy you already aren't listening you say something and really turn out

But we have big swing of a sentence, and you said it like a catchphrase again. Someone who applies the Wim Hof technique to sex, holding their genitals in ice water for five minutes before each round. One of that, well, depends on what we're working with. I don't think that's- You and I just had the same thought. Yeah,'re working with. I don't think that's... You and I just had the same thought. Yeah.

I don't think that's Wim Hof. No, like the breathing is like... So what? Right before sex. Every time they're like... ... And then they're right into it right after that. Their genitals outside of ice water,

which means that no matter what you're doing sexually, you're gonna be freezing cold. Down there. And this happened to Jeff once and he's still wondering if that was normal. There's no way. I ask people a lot at work. It's abnormal.

It's Abercrombie abnormal. Abercrombie. Abnormal and bitch. I don't think you can have sex with a freezing cold genital. Okay. Yeah. And what makes you say that the temperature The temperatures but you guys are saying what would be the thing to be like that's fine Having a different question yeah, we had a different question which is that Depending on it doesn't really make sense. Depending on what?

Depending on what we're working with. Meaning if it's a huge hog, it's fine. If it's... well, if it's a huge hog, but if it's huge hog in ice cold water, huge hog not gonna work. What do you... oh, major shrinkage of the time. Yeah! Yeah. Seinfeld, we remember. We all do remember Seinfeld.

Yeah. I don't think it's gonna work, right? Well, it depends what you start with. Let's say that there's a delta of like 8% shrinkage when there's major shrinkage. If you're starting at, you know, above average, the 8% will still be above average. I guess my question is, is it, uh?

Are you loving the question? The question, I am loving it. I am, I, you know what? Because you haven't really said so. I'm curious, can you remain at a certain state if you're freezing cold? All we had to do was call the damn train. Also, I was wrong, we were thinking of different things.

And we were, okay, okay. And I said, oh my god, we're on the same wavelength. And you said, I don't own that. I don't... I don't co-sign. Actually, we were not on the same page. Maybe you can't be... I'm sorry, but hard. That's the word, yeah.

You're not sorry. In the cold. The whole game has been leading up to you saying that guilt free. I'm sorry, but the yam, it was not leading up. These are all independent of each other. I'm gonna get back on Reddit so fast. What about someone who on most vacations

fake drowns as a prank? Okay, love them my life, not a deal breaker, funny. No, but you're not in on it. I'm not? Yeah. I think I'd figure it out after a while. That's his bit, you know? Well, you would just see him constantly being escorted

by lifeguards. It's just like, how far do you take it? You have to do this every time we go to the beach. And they take it far. A little squint from Sandlot. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I remember being like 12, 13 at the pool and being like, is this lifeguard paying attention to me?

Let's see. But I always stopped messing around as soon as I got eye contact. You're like... Horseplay. I'd be really still and be like, okay, I'm back. Horseplay, you're speaking to the idea of horseplay. Horseplay.

Better band name than Coldplay. What do you mean, Coldplay? Well, I guess that's what the Wim Hof guy is doing. Yes. So what are you into? Coldplay? Let me ask you this, who's Wim Hof? He's the guy who like does cold plunge and like you have to control your breathing to get,

I don't know if it's high or if it's like better for your immune system to whim. Oh, okay. I feel like freezing yourself all the time, long-term. Can't be good. Can't be good. It's just shock, shock, shock. As someone who's done a cold plunge,

I was like, I'll do it. And then I was in for five seconds. I think it's shock shock shock. As someone who's done a cold plunge, I was like, I'll do it. And then I was in for five seconds. I think I'll die. I think it's shock value therapy. Yeah. I don't like being cold either. Okay, that's not what the question is. Someone who practices upright bass every day and never improves.

Never improves. Oh, bummer. It reminds me of that Kim Cattrall thing where she's like, my husband plays the upright baes. We really go for it. What is that from? Oh my god, you've never seen? You would love that. It's one of my favorite YouTube videos of all time.

Kim Cattrall scouting. It actually reminds me of you. Practicing something every day and not getting any better. She's scouting. She's scouting. And all the heat dogs. And the cow jumped on for the moon. I think this one's kind of hard to answer

because, sorry, what was that? Sorry, I was being Kim Cattrall's ex-husband. I thought you were being the upright bass. He's playing the upright bass. That's upright bass. And then she's wearing a denim shirt. And she is trying to scat along during an interview and she is going for it.

Yeah. To just going for it. To just go for it. Stop, it's all right. Look at Amir's face. It's like so upset. And he never improves, though, he never improves. And that's why they got divorced. Here's the thing, the dedication is attractive.

That's an attractive quality. You know that they'll never cheat because of the loyalty to the upright face. I don't know about that. No, that's not true at all. I don't know if there's a correlation. I got cheated on a lot, but I just am like, yeah, but she eats the same lunch every day,

so I think she's loyal. Hell yeah. I guess consistency isn't loyalty. Put that on a shelf. Put that on a shelf. Put that on a bumper store. Wow. That's bars.

You talk like a 12 year old twister. It's like that, yeah, it's like, you know that little bad high school girls? I keep getting older and they stay the same age. Don't look me in the eye when you say that. That's Amir's vibe when he's like using younger and younger language as he gets older and older. I have a Benjamin Button vocabulary. That's funny.

Yeah. You're gonna be 59 and just being like, Dada? Sorry, he's having some sort of long-term neurological degeneration. It's devastating. 59 is pretty early. We have to move on.

We all know everybody lives to the 60. Keep chiming in, we have to move on. We all know everybody left with 60. We have to move on. You want to keep us the up fraud bass is maybe the best instrument to be bad at. It's relatively quiet. It's more of a rhythm instrument. Something you and the upright bass don't have in common. Someone who, oh here he goes, someone who corrects your grammar with perfect synonyms, but only when you're already kind of upset. Absolutely not, absolutely not. No, but like in everyday life,

you're gonna have a great time with this person. They're never gonna correct you ever in front of anyone else or something like that. But like you're kind of stressed, or you guys are already mid-argument, and then they're like, actually it's may I interject. Absolutely not. Absolutely not, shut it down. No correcting me, no, no. mid-argument and then they're like actually it's may I interject absolutely not Absolutely not shut it down no correcting me. No. No. Yeah, you hated the other correction one. Yeah, that's right

And everyone else is fine Chiming in now you don't it was hard to Can you imagine you're fighting and they're like actually? Like yeah, no, it's intolerable. Yeah, dating a fucking dork. And I won't stand for it. No dorks here. It's not stand for, it's stand with it.

I know. Really. Why? All right, later man, take it easy. Bye. Let me know if you wanna record record again next week this was fun really Did you get a haircut recently No

Look shorter What is this I? Showered before they were talking about this. I just anyone who's got we have no ads Yeah, I really think it's on the brink of canceling the show, by the way. I didn't want to do that. There should be another word of the day that would solve the whole show. That would change it all.

You just gotta... One more, all right? We have two more segments after this. I don't know how we're gonna power through. No. A cart, this person would be a card carrying member of the Clean Plate Club, only they also include the plate and table.

And the club. It's a... It's a... It's a... It's a... Sounds like a theater warmup. What? I mean, everything you said, I said,

I don't know what he's saying, but I'm just like... It's an open scene. You can describe any meaning to it you want. No, um... Yeah, I wouldn't be with someone that eats cutlery. Not cutlery. I didn't say the plate. Sorry, when did I say he also eats the silverware? He said the plate and the table.

I don't think I said he ate a knife. But Amir's point stands. He eats the plate and the table! Do you know how long it would take to eat a table? It's bigger What about uh, Werner Herzog? He ate a shoe And he got awards for it He did? Got an award?

Not for that. Really? I'd love to get an award. It's like a short film He actually ate a fucking Oxford loafer There was a guy in the Guinness World Records Who once like ate an airplane What oh piece by piece? Yeah New novel title great, so I'm trying to write a book. I just need the perfect title before I start. So no pages have been written yet, but I just need obviously a suggestion if you will.

I need a suggestion from the audience of whether or not you think this is good. Okay. Blunt Force Karma. this is the logline they say what goes around comes around in no other instance is this truer than in the story of the Dolly Shrimp a conniving friar who one day gets his comeuppance when he's struck in the head with a jazz cigarette hard when he's struck in the head with a jazz cigarette. Hard. Yes. You got hit in the head by something that weighs less than a paperclip.

Blunt force karma. So he gets his comeuppance. From getting hit. From getting hit by a blunt. A jazz cigarette is so light. Yeah. Yes. Even if it hits you, that's nothing.

When you've been in the mountains meditating for a year, everything is hard. Maybe not after that ice plunge. Thank you. Okay, okay everyone. I'm just gonna, I'm not, you guys didn't, you didn't receive it well, so that's not gonna be the one. I thought it was pretty good.

Blunt Force Karma. I think that's the best one I've come up with. Blood Force Karma. There's like a storyline and everything. The monk gets his karma when he's one day hit the head by a joint. It was fine. It was fine.

It's okay. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Welcome to Rutherford B. or Sean Hayes edition.

So these are a series of quotes that either Sean Hayes said or Rutherford B. Hayes said. Okay. And I think it's gonna be more difficult than you think. So either Jack from Will and Grace? Correct. Or like the 19th president? Absolutely, yeah.

The Hayes Act was coming back to me. Yes. What was it I think it was these wax show wasn't good yeah anti-trust act that sounds right okay all right here we go ready when I came out of my mother's womb I had sitcoms stamped on my forehead got a nice holding both a throw in Jackson Hayes into this? I was gonna have a red herring Jackson Hayes quote. Incredible.

But only you'd would know. Thank you. Let's go Sean for the sitcom one. Sean. Correct! All right. Conscious is the authentic voice of God to you. What?

A man will... Rutherford. Show me Rutherford. What did his friends call him? Ruth? Ruth. Ruthie. Ruth Baderford Ginsburg. I'd probably just call him Rue like RuPaul. Rue.

Nobody owes anything to anybody. You are your authentic self. Self. Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Not used in the correct context. Obviously I won't be able to use it, but I don't have any soy. I'm not kidding. I'm not offended then. And soy unto you. Nobody owes anything to anybody. You are your authentic self,

to whom and when you choose to be. And if you don't know somebody, then why would you explain to them how you live your life? Sean. Yeah. Is that from Will and Grace you live your life? Sean. Yeah. Is that from Will and Grace? Don't look at the- Sorry!

You absolute ass! He's disqualified, only he does. Is that from Will and Grace? Who do you think it was? Sean Hayes. Correct! Yay! Love.

All right, get accomplished what you want to get accomplished in your life. And in the intervals, do what you can to help other people. Rutherford. Sean. Hmm. I'm gonna go with Rutherford. Rutherford?

Rutherford. I'm gonna go with my boy, Roo. Come closer, Rutherford. That was Sean Hayes! Rutherford. Rutherford. Rutherford. I'm gonna go with my boy, Rue. Come closer, Rutherford. That was Sean A. Yes! I know my boy. We learn our lessons only when we are ready.

Rutherford. We learn our lessons only when we're ready? Yes. Man, I love that this guy, get all this credit for something, I'm like, I say that every day! Rutherford. Am I disqualified or can I qualify? No, just, well, did you see the whole list? I just met- Jack from Will and Grace. Okay, now you can't answer anything. That's gonna go ahead and be Sean.

Wow! Good on him. All right. Very wise. Yeah. I really thought they would all be funny. I love Sean Hayes Yeah, I'm smart. What yeah, fuck up man Isn't cuz I Jason it's the last time I put will buy Why sorry what he's a dynamic? Yeah? I don't know you guys are doing the whole like Yeah, by the way you said you brought in a sponsor you said it's an ad package you booked for the Sackler family. That's

They're not their product first or pharma or yeah, no their philanthropy It's well, it's a make good campaign for all the stuff they lost after the name of the audio But you just know good Empire of pain about the fact that family Wow timely joke Well, it's a make good campaign for all the stuff they lost after the Matthew Brodsky. What's the name of the audiobook we just listened to? Oh, Show Good Empire of Pain by Patrick Radenke. About the Sackler family. So, timely joke. Yes, highly recommend. For a nice book club.

I am going where Lucy is. What? That's Rutherford as he was dying talking about his wife. Twist, it's Desi Arnaz. I actually, yeah, I was gonna guess dying, saying hey to wife Rutherford. Correct to Amir. That was Rutherford.

But I said it too, so. Who's Lucy? I think it's his wife. Must swear off swearing. Bad habit. Lame. I don't know. That's a Sean original. Yeah, Sean hates swear words.

Sean Beans. Rutherford. Rutherford? Cursed? I'm consumed by what I didn't do. Whoa. Wow. I think that's Rutherford, right? My god, that sounds like dying words.

I'm consumed with what I didn't do. Rutherford be real. That's Sean. He's done so much. He doesn't feel that way. Wow. Welcome to the plight of the artist. Goes to show you, huh?

Yeah. You can do the same show a hundred times and it still does. You've reached your limit on talking. Shut the fuck up. I'm a hamster person. Sean. Yes! Everybody here.

Um, as friends go, or sorry, as friends go, it is less important to live What? Die you're like what's even the point? Yeah? Let's make a pact right now. Sorry. We'll do that. I wanted to make a suicide pact on the side. We'll do it later Sean Hayes, uh Huh? Sean I'm gonna go with Sean Hayes. Sean.

That was Rutherford B. Wow. Man, he's got a lot going on. There's a funny Louis CK joke that Instagram fed me the other day that said, he's like, why are people living to a hundred? Nobody even knows you. Like, nobody is still alive that would recognize you anymore.

Everybody has a different. Get off the earth. Wrap up the Louie talk. By the way, it has to be energy left through also because that's how we feel about grass. The energy left the room also because that's how we feel about grass. That's how we all feel about you, man. Go! 42. You're channeling that monologue gorgeously.

42's not that old. Really? Yeah, I mean, if the average age is 80. You're just beginning. I feel like now's the perfect time to plug my Instagram and TikTok at Jeffrey James. Instagram, at I am Jeffrey James on TikTok. We've been posting comedy sketches over there.

Will's been writing them. I've been commenting on them. That's what I meant. It's different. He's been writing on them. Last one, everybody has a different definition of God. Sure. Right. God.

Right? Right? Right? This is God. That's so funny. My friend AJ is gonna laugh out loud at that. Right? Right? Yeah.

I think that's gotta be the social clip, right? I wasn't sure if that was a quote or if you were just talking now. Yeah, just saying it. I mean, we're running long. I'm just gonna push the last segment to next week so I don't have less work to do. Guys, plugs What do you have going on? What do you want to point the people towards? Solidette. Next week.

Is that really you? Next week we'll start with uh Cecily's sesame. I wouldn't even mind, yeah. And it's just me with one tiny little sesame seed. I think we can figure out a way to AI you out of the episode for that. Okay, awesome Cecily the floor is yours plug that show one more time. Yeah, this is coming out April 14th or some shit. Yes April 22nd my show that I have with my friend

I'm a good person will be at UCB LA April 22nd at 7 p.m And then we will be in New York at the UCB in New York May 15th at 7 p.m. doing that same show. And Grace, just cause I don't know, what's her name? I don't know her. So Grace, go ahead and bleep that name cause I'm not gonna do her any favors.

Oh sure, yeah. I think, is it making it clearer? No, that's great. Don't, I'll bleep it and then grace you you put it back in cool Will I've never really yeah given a shit, but If you can donate to the ASPCA I think that make a big change with what animals cash And maybe in my name would be Because I'm not giving them shit What animals? Cash. And maybe in my name would be nice. Say my name.

Cause I'm not giving them shit. Ally? You can follow me at AllyCon on Instagram and Lettervoxed and Goodreads and Fable and also I started a new collage Instagram account where I'm showcasing my collages. And it's a gluing shit on paper. Great, they're really good.

Oh my God, I'll be on that. That's what I'm doing when I'm not crocheting. Huh, look at that. Oh wow, this is good. Yeah, gluing shit on paper for real. Yeah, lots of David Lynch themed pieces from right before he died. Yo, great place to get a halt.

Oh, that is spooky. Bob's big boy, Burbank. Yeah. Yeah, what do you do with these? What do I do with them? They're just in a book that I have like I just yeah I can't comprehend doing something for the love of it. Everything he does is to get ahead and get more cash, right? Your biggest hobby is sports gambling It would nice to be nice to have one with Waldo, the Simpsons. Kind of like a where's Waldo. Yeah, like a Waldo situation.

Just Waldo. Just Waldo. Just Waldo. Yeah, just cut and paste a where's Waldo. Waldo. Okay, okay. Misunderstanding. Oh, it's tough sometimes.

Sure. Oh, I meant to say, you guys can follow me, at Cecily bro be our Ea you X that's right We were gonna do a segment called bro or no and it was shit that I thought you would do or not But I guess we'll do that next time I think we'll do that any sense next year. Yeah No, we'll do it again next time you're on Amir. I already gave my plug for Next time you're on Amir I already give my plug for

Halle's insta okay well now it looks like now it makes the rest of us look bad that he plugged alleys Yeah, great, so I guess I'll plug wills and it's a silly especially show and also my Instagram and tik-tok Great at Jeffrey James on Instagram at I'm Jeffrey James on Instagram tik-tok I'm trying to get enough followers that I can make like three thousand dollars000 a post. Oh, I was just talking when you figure that out Can you tell me I think I'm posting funny stuff. I'm not even that confident of a person necessarily It's not viral and it won't be viral. What about my Jardia? I had like a week ago. Oh that wasn't viral either cuz my girlfriend didn't get sick, but my cat I think did you gave it to your cat? I think that's my theory at this point. You gave it to your cat. Well, it was either that I don't want to talk about

Okay, sure. Yeah. Um, sorry, but no I had rotavirus. I also had a rotor phone Rotary rotary public now. This isn't any we're losing steam. I'm losing a lot of shows on it. I I mean, okay. Wait, who said this my acting coach said this to me that she had a childhood friend who anytime they got the runs Would say I got a visit from Rhea Pearlman That's outrageous Isn't that the worst thing you've ever heard it why like't get it. Why? Like Rhea, Diarrhea Pearlman. Got it. You're like, the show's canceled.

It's been fun. ["The Show's Canceled"] That was a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson and I host the HeadGum Podcast We're Here to Help with my partner Gareth Reynolds. We're Here to Help is a call and advice show, think car talk from back in the day. We're determined to help fix my partner Gareth Reynolds. We're here to help is a call-in advice show think car talk from back in the day We're determined to help fix life's dumbest problems We also have guest helpers join us from the entire cast of new girl to Michael Sarah Andy Samberg Jimmy Kimmel just to name A few so do me a favor and come check out an episode and then bounce around our catalog

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