The Headgum Podcast - 256: New Royce

Episode Date: May 23, 2025

Studio H welcomes travellers, domestic and international! Joel and Grace join Geoff, Amir, and Marika over zoom, to play New Royce, Pump The Frakes: Beyond Relief, and view their Headgumstones!» FOLLOW Geoff on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/geoffreyjames/» FOLLOW Joel on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/joelmandunoff/» FOLLOW Marika on Letterboxd: https://www.letterboxd.com/marikaelon/» FOLLOW Amir on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amir/» FOLLOW Grace on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chorlesborkley/Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple PodcastsRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on SpotifyJoin the Headgum DiscordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hedgum Original. McCrispy Strips are now at McDonald's! Tender, juicy, and its own sauce! Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious! New McCrispy Strips, now at McDonald's! Ready? Yes. Oh, yes. My favorite position is GEO. This is... My favorite position is GEO.

You're not going to get on the soundboard with that. Is that your intention? My favorite position is GEO. This is... My favorite position is GEO. You're not going to get on the soundboard with that. Is that your intention? Could be a nice alt. You want me to... Fine. I'll add both. We'll see which one gets used. My favorite position is GEO.

That was really good. Have you not heard that one yet? Me? Of course we've heard it. Yeah, you. Of course we have. Otherwise why would we say it? How am I supposed to be able to tell? Well, there's no way there has to be a better way to do this rather than having the guest right there Because by the way if the host is sitting here, which is not only this show I think I

Can't see her or talk to her because it just looks like I'm looking at you guys by the way What do you mean a mirror? Oh, it's a great idea. You have a mirror you want to have a mirror Reflects a mirror. Yeah Somebody at like a bar. It's like often like they think I'm saying I'm here So like I often get like confused with that idea. It's like a mirror which or like you know mirroring related. Yeah Fucking lock in it really looks like I had an accident. That's a piss on yourself for you chopped your soda. Well, I peed first and then I was like, I gotta hide this. So I dropped it.

Yeah. Can we talk about the La Croix flavor? Because I really just do want a clear answer of what it tastes like. Sunshine La Croix natural essence, right? And then there's a lot. We're doing everything out of order. I don't know what I'm tasting. I would say it does taste like sunshine.

Tastes like sunshine in a can. Tastes how LA feels. That's funny. I think it tastes like sunscreen and lemon. Oh, okay. That's pretty good. I'll take that. Guys, we've got a lot of confusing combinations of people here in the studio.

Grace Harper is here from London town. No. Oggie London? Foggy Bath. No, but closer. Birmingham. Yorkshire. She pointed at me when I said Birmingham, so why would you guess again?

Grantchester. Fun! No. Wait, where did I stay? Leicestershire. Leicestershire. Worsh- Leicestershire.

What's glaukester? Glockster. Glockster? Glockster. I don't like British culture. Glockster? Glockster? Glockster? I don't like British culture. Cockermouth? Yeah. I've never been.

We've got Joel Dunoff from Queens. Thank you. No. And Amir from... Dallas? Arcadia? And Amir from... Dallas? Arcadia? Joel's from Philadelphia.

No, not hometowns. I mean, where they drove in from. And he doesn't live in Queens. Where do you live? You've been to my house, like, in the last two months. Oh, right. Brookline. Brookline. Why was Jeff at your house? We were practicing jazz yeah

Well, I wasn't but they were yeah for the show Joel arrived with Ali today, and I made a joke about them carpooling, but they actually actually carpooled Yeah, should we talk about that if we brought a lot? I'm curious how that happened. Why did you text Ali? I guess why do you have the gall I? First messaged Marty and said does anyone act superior? I just Marty and said does anyone live in we hoe he said no Maybe Ali oh, that's funny. I wasn't even saying in we how where were you Hollywood? Where in Hollywood are you right now? It's not you this is not coming out till two weeks from now. You'll be gone

Well tonight, I'm saying in Venice. Why? You're choosing the worst places in LA. I saw the canal yesterday that stuff was amazing You went yesterday, and you're staying tonight. Why didn't you do it tomorrow morning? Though you wake up already there. I went from LAX to Venice yesterday in Venice morning How many, you're hopping every night? Yesterday afternoon to what I thought again was we ho turns out it was Hollywood Stayed over last night this morning. Alley picks me up and 15 prompt. Okay. I'm in the office Fine. Oh you have against Venice. Isn't it really nice over there? Yeah, I loved it I think it's it's like Silicon Valley, but on the beach. I think the vibes are off

Everything is like that's where the poodle poodle thing was before moved over here. I don't really like over here either So where do you like? Oh, yeah canyons and stuff. I love a canyon. Yeah, I like Hollywood In fact Venice is pretty cool In fact, Venice is pretty cool. You can't even keep up with your own opinion. Um, are you hopping place to place? This is the worst visit I've ever heard of. I wanted, I'm my college friend, shout out Micah.

Tacos 1986. Yeah, we went to Tacos 1986 for dinner. Flavorless. Oh, this is what I was going to say that was bad about it, is that there's a sign for ice cream, soft serve, so we ordered it, and then the guy kind of indicated this little freezer tub where there were like, pouches of...

Squeezeable soft serve. Right, but then I was like, oh, actually, I don't think we want that, to our friends, we were like debating, bailing, before we paid for it. And then the guy said something to one of my friends that indicated that he was gonna combine the pouch with some kind of machinery

and it was gonna come out as real soft serve. So we're like, okay, that's fine. We all buy it and he just handed it to us. There was no machinery, it was just a pouch of soft serve. And we had to walk around. You know that's the LA soft serve hustle. And we had to walk around just like, waiting for it to warm up in our hands.

Our hands are freezing. Grass, yeah, grass. And then eventually you can like scoop it out of the pouch. Scoop it out. That's almost, it sounds slightly better than ordering like a milkshake at a restaurant and getting a Friel. Do you remember those?

That's what I thought it was gonna be. It was worse than a Friel. I was hoping it was gonna be a Friel. What's a Friel? They have them at Wawa. Ah, ah. They have them and they also. Ah. They have them, and they also had one at like my college, like store or whatever,

and there's one at a gas station near me, but it's just like a machine, I can see a milkshake. So when you combine a pouch with machinery in it. Say where you went to college, Marika, I know that's what you're fishing for. Shout out the University of Chicago's Bart Mart, that's where the Friel is. Sorry, now we're getting into it again.

This school has the worst named buildings, institutions, and like sub-specialized schools names. Reg Egg? There's the Reg Egg. What was the other library name? Sackler Library. Sackler Lounge or something? No, it was the Reg and, well well there's the Regenstein Library.

And then the Monsuado is what the Reg Egg is. Cause it's an egg next to the Regenstein. You don't remember this from like two years ago she was describing? I don't remember anything from previous to 10 days ago. Yeah. What? Like, I'm just meeting grace for the first time again. And Joel. And Joel.

No, Joel, I knew because of the March Madness bracket we had. How'd you do? I finished third and Marika finished second. And Lily. And I knew Lily Block. Shout out. She doesn't want to be on the show. That's fair. It's my words tough. Yeah, yeah What it's it's called the Bart Mart, yeah Bart Mart Bart Marit Please yeah, this is awful. You're right it is

We haven't gotten into anything I guess we could get into our Bond of the Week here My Bond of the Week is Peter Navarro Peter Navarro He's an economic advisor to Trump who's sort of the mastermind slash fiend behind these tariffs, right? And I I figure it's time for a James Econ-d. Also, I figure he's going to be unemployed soon, so might as well throw the poor guy a bone. Sure. Shirt.

Oh, econ. Economics. What do you mean by that? Ha ha ha! Uh, elaborate. No further questions. It's like, what if James fought with, uh, instead of violence physically, it's economic violence, trade wars in a way. Yeah.

Yeah. We're losing it really early. Why don't you go next then, Marika? You got to stop making fun of my voice because Joel already said that I sound like a dream. I wasn't making fun of my voice, because Joel already said that I sound like a dream. I wasn't making fun of your voice. No, stop making fun of my voice. I was making fun of your accent. That was a new...

Please. Paul Krugman, the People's Economist. That's really funny, actually. Because it's supposed to be a comedy segment, you choose Paul Krugman the people's economist James Bond's not like the people spy. Why him? It's just in opposition to Navarro To see them do it out at auditions Really get in get into the nitty-gritty the screen test is mostly them screaming at each other the scream test. Mm-hmm Mm-hmm Anything else? The screen test is mostly them screaming at each other. The scream test. Mm. Mm.

Anything else? My Bond of the Week is Paddington Bear. Okay. I'll do it. But be Bond. Who? That's worthy of the bomb explosion noise. I'll be the new James Bond.

Mmm. That's my Bond of the Week. Me. What's your problem with that, Jeff? No way. So early. Amir hasn't gone. Guys, most edibles get you way too high.

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No, Grace, you'd be great. Amir? That'd be great. Have we said like Chris Hardwick or Aziz Ansari or like Chris Dali or something cancelled comedians Oh, I guess I mean I wouldn't call him that but yeah, I think Aziz isn't Comedians I thought he kind of came back there. We go. Hey, that was like sliding right into a task course around that one. Yeah shirt shirt imported from China Kind of came back there we go. That was like sliding right into a task course around that one. Yeah shirt Sure imported from China It's gonna cut by the way a $20 shirt. Yeah, that's gonna be $400 now How what do you mean how I miss read I miss read an email right on the new offers?

And that's how it was $200 and there's a hundred and something what shirt what's up what shirt it was a wet shirt contest no it uh let's just move on it's time for a James move on I'll do that too I'll do that too. Word of the day. What we all came here for. Finally. From various places. Fucking finally.

Factoident. Right? Why don't we? Can I have a definition please? No, before we- Being avoidant of facts. Avoidant of facts. No, no, no. Like lactose. Let's just, before we- Avoid an effect. No, no, no, no.

Like lactose. Let's just, before we get into our personal definitions of this shit, let's play with it for a second. Like lactose? Yeah. Like factose intolerant? Like you're, like the same way people react if their stomach can't handle dairy. The enzyme, yeah.

That's actually not the definition that I had. It was avoiding facts. You mean like avoiding dairy? The same way you would avoid facts the same way. Did you mute Marika? I wouldn't even mind. No. Oh. I didn't. No, it's... Just making fun of him. It's an attachment style.

Where any time your partner gets too close to you seeking intimacy, you hit him with a fact. Factoidant? Correct. Can you spell it please? F-A-C-T-O-I-D-A-N-T. Factoidant. Like an altoid? No.

Like an antioxidant? No, like a factoid. Can you give me an example of a factoid that you've given to your partner in six times? Why don't you, I wanted to kind of do a scene. Yeah, so you like say something or ask me something like trying to get close to me emotionally. Um, Jeff, when you were conceived, do you think that your mother orgasmed? Sorry, we have to do another one. That's not a normal question. Now you're the weird one.

I was trying to get close to you emotionally. What more an intimate question could that be? That's not close to me, that's close to my parents' intimacy. Yeah. It is interesting to think about which one of us were conceived via orgasm and which one sort of... I would hope all of us... It's kind of being like who was born breech and who wasn't. Yes, exactly.

It's the same. And that is the easier thing to get an answer to. Yeah. There's a scar. You could just ask your mom. What is this? And you were supposed to respond to the fact. You're responding very avoidantly.

No, I want someone else. I want someone else to say, Joel, you ask, do try to get close to me. In what ways do you feel like you model your father? Did you know that in 1987, American Airlines saved $40,000 by deciding to remove one olive from their first class salads? The salad?

Good fact. I think that's not real. My salad didn't have olives today and I was really upset. But you weren't on a plane. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was gonna be like martinis.

If you remove one olive from a martini, there's probably no olive in it. That's unacceptable. Right, then that would save them $47,000. What am I paying for? If the salad has like seven olives, what's what are they gonna care it's airplane food they're expecting bad It's very like ship of Theseus Joel did you have food on your airplane? they actually didn't have food, but I brought a

bagel Anything on it? Egg, avocado, cheese. Bought it in the airport, brought it on board. Joel, this made me think of you. What does that say? Can you read it out loud for the audio listeners? It says, life is better when nobody knows

what you are doing. Well, it actually says what you're are doing life is better when nobody knows what you're are doing and the account is called mid-east culture posted 23 weeks ago 350k likes so I just saw that kind of made me think you Because I feel like like what the fuck are you up to nobody knows you and I honestly do prefer it that way I do too actually I actually do kind of relate to this I hate when people try to know what you're are what I are what I mirror are doing. There's no equivalent for I You're you are what I am doing. What I am am doing.

Grace. What me doing. Cut this off. What my doing, that's what it is. What my doing. I'm gonna bleep everything that's said. Because it's like possessive. Sure, oh right, yeah.

Do you ever actually cut stuff out of the show? No. Because if it's really bad, people wanna hear it. If it's good, you wanna hear it. It's like what do you actually cut if it's. Stuff in the middle. Yeah. I think I'm gonna bleep what I said okay

don't You better not you fucking better not well I usually put the assembly edits together so like if whatever I give her I think usually it's clear It's like I want the meat saying grace cut out in. Because it got a laugh. I see. No, you don't. Let's hammer the point past home. Basically, what I do is I take the raw files, I sink them and I put them together in the order that I want.

I cut any of the fat. I trim that shit out. What I hand Grace is a seasoned hog. She's the one who spit roasts it glands. Whole fact. You should say that recently, you left in your Ful-Fo number. It's obviously hard because I was, yeah, I wanna get like a burner almost, just in case.

Why don't you just not say your number? What's that? Why don't you just not say your number? I didn't say it, Finn said it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, welcome to Mareeka's Arnica. Oh, like Arnica?

Yeah, but for the purposes of rhyming, let's just call it Arnica. Oh, Nika, like Nicki Minaj. What's Arnica? Basically, how- It's like a homeopathic remedy. Yeah, I wanted to know how much ointment merica has it's not an ointment though It's a pill. It's a salve

I think it comes in a topical form. It's a tincture Grace can we get a numbers crunch on if our Nika come Arnica Sorry now you got me saying Arnica comes in an ointment slash topical form, because that's what the internet did say. Do you mean how much ointment do I have on my person right now? No, how much do you own? Because it is about ownership. How much do you oin?

That's funny. It's about oinership. Yeah, no, it comes in a bunch of topical shit. In fact, I do think it's more relieving cream than anything else. Did you want me to Google that I? Did you didn't take any action so I had to take it into my own glands right? Amir what are you doing? I was just responding some texts no way It's more important than this who are you texting more important? Everything's more important than what do you mean people love this shit?

priority thing ever who are you texting and then I'll decide if I'm gonna get really angry I'm on a group chat called poker night because I play online poker with these guys every Sunday and Sometimes the conversation slides into politics sometimes sports so this one was about Marjorie Taylor Greene. And what did you text? I guess, well, somebody said, I guess Marjorie Taylor Greene is losing money today because at the time of recording, it was the day after she bought a lot of stocks when the economy sort of came back. And I guess it's sliding down again. So I replied kind of jokingly I hope not because I like to sort of position myself as an MTG Stan in this chat

and that's what you asked. You've reached your limit on talking. Shut the fuck up. Sorry that was rude. I'd say I have five ointments. Sorry? I have five ointments. Sorry? I have five ointments. This is my guess. Um, Joel, you read a ton. I don't know. Not really. Commercial.

Maybe you don't, but you've read enough to know what makes a good novel title and what makes a bad novel title. I agree. This week I'm pitching Of the Brown Persuasion. It tells the story of a white man named Joel Dunoff who in an effort to get ahead in his job search decides to brown himself to a hash brown brown in a tanning bed to pass himself off as being from Bangladesh. There are gratuitous references to things from Joel's actual life, so the book in actuality will have the opposite effect for Joel's real life career. All characters are fictitious and not based on a real person. Any similarities is completely coincidental.

Sounds like auto fiction about my life. No, because I'm going to write it. I'm going to... What do you mean, auto fiction? Like auto erotic asphyxiation. No, like it blurs the lines between fiction and reality. No, no, no, no. This is completely fiction. It's just auto neurotic fiction-y. But then it kind of ends up impacting my real career, so in that way it blurs the lines. Yeah, because they'll be like,

very subconsciously, several layers deep, be like, Joel Dunhoff, I don't like that name. Why do I not like that name? Oh, and they don't remember. Also, how could it be that my full name being identical is purely a coincidence? Because I don't really know you. Sure.

Really, you'll give me that? I mean, life is better when nobody knows what you're doing. That's really good. That's what I live by. That's the foreword. It starts with a quote. Life is better when nobody knows what you are doing.

That's why I obscure my personality for coding interviews. I guess. And then Amir, you said auto neurotic fictitious nation? Fiction nation. Is that like a reading club? Where the people are like anxious and they also tie a belt around their neck when they wink yes

Welcome to new Royce Say that again Because I ever played the short form improv game new choice. No, probably only Marika. No. Never taken an improv class before. Basically two people will start... Didn't you tell? Oh my God. Tell me in just a minute.

Oh my God, sorry, I talked. Sorry you asked me to be on this episode. Yes! Waving my fryer. Basically two people will start a scene and then at any moment the rest of the team can shout out new choice and The person who just said a line will have to make a completely different choice in the scene completely different sentence to completely in the scene. Mm-hmm. Completely different sentence to completely change the scene But this is not new choice, this is new Royce

Meaning two people will start an organic improv scene, but one of you must play a character named Royce as The scene goes on On you just laughed and pointed at me. I think she was smiling at either me or Grace. It was a little unclear. Well, it wasn't, yeah. Two people will start an organic improv scene, but one of you must play a character named Royce. As the scene goes on, the rest of us can shout out

New Royce at any point, at which point the person playing Royce has to be a different Royce. Can I tell you a true story? You may. I went to see a bangerang show in 2018 or 19, they were a UCB improv team. And they asked a question, I can't remember what it was, but I put up my hand to answer it. They called on me and he said, what's your name?

And I said, Grace. And he said, Joyce? And I said, Grace. And he said, Joyce? And I said, Grace. And he said, Groice? All laugh Before everyone was like, it's Grace. Yeah, that was good fun. That's funny.

That was it. It's not the game though. No, it was just close. It's a really nasty story. No, yeah, share. Obviously speak freely. I just like, I wanna keep us focused a little. But do it within the confines of New Royce, in a way.

So I'm gonna draw my experience as Groys. Why don't you start us off, since you wanna talk so much. A C? That'd be good too. Don't you dare talk to Grace like that. To Groys? To Groys? All right, so it'll be Grace and

Joel. Sure. And Amir, can we get a word? Edgewise. Asshole. Edgewise. That's worse than pineapple. And they have to say that word? No, they don't have to. It can be inspired, you can A to C. Okay.

But yeah, one of you has to be Royce. Okay, hi, I'm Royce. This drive is going to take so long. Before we start, that was really good. Continue. I feel like I was in the middle of something that was kind of gold. That's true. Here we go. New to this drive. Hey Royce.

Oh, thank you so much for picking me up. I'm happy to pick you up. We've got a long trip to Florida ahead. It's so great that we chose to drive. To droiv. Yeah, I was thinking that we would also not play any music the whole time. That's nice. I like

silence. New Royce! Well, you gotta give her some room to breathe. Continue? Well, you gotta give her some room to breathe. Continue. I'm a businessman named Royce, but I'm... How much is your watch worth? $50,000. Man, if I could get that kind of money driving this car, I wouldn't leave this car a day

in my life. You're driving me because I'm a wealthy businessman. I know. Just sick and tired of being the plebeian serving the rich folks. I know, but isn't it nice that I sat up front with you? No. Oh. I actually like my space.

And. I thought I was, it's like my space and I Thought I was it's been so long since I've been Among the people That I thought this was the usual thing this isn't really being among the people new Roy's I would I just wouldn't quite yet because I want to see where this goes before we really change up the Roy's So new race or not? You haven't said anything. You're on my team because you haven't said New Royce.

I don't know why you're picking his side. Fine, New Royce. I didn't know there were teams at all. I thought we were all on the same team. New Royce. Cowabunga, dude. New Royce. Fuck.

Hello, it's me, Royce. We're on the wrong side of the road! Joyce? It's Royce. New Joyce? Don't look at me. Let's call it there. That's a scene, scene, scene.

That was really good. Marika didn't really contribute, but... I just started watching. I saw recently that, shout out Rodney's Rice, who makes a bunch of supercuts of episodes, that there's an entire supercut of people saying, don't look at me to Jeff. That's really funny. And it's like 10 minutes long or something. I'm familiar with his work because I wanted to do, for Marchness I wanted to do a rice a bracket of all the rice songs And he has put a playlist together of them, and then I couldn't be bothered

How many rice songs do we have at this point it's gotta be like 20 at this point there's honestly like 32 no There's no way 32 perfect amount for a bracket. He's got an album There's like two playlists were I thought it was like 12 Holy smokes As long as it's something that can be exponent id by two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah It's kind of a crutch that Jeff likes to lean on interesting I thought every other segment was a crutch and that the rice songs were like his actual creative juices flow And then let's have a mirror and Marika do new Royce

That's actually a really nice way of looking at it. Sorry. Okay. Oh my that was that was very nice of me I'm here and then Marika just can we get a word for them grace? Which one of us is Royce you get to decide that in the first couple lines? Okay It's almost like dramatic tension of like well, which one of them is gonna be Royce Parliament These are terrible words, but yeah Parliament Hi, do you smell do you smell cigarettes? Oh, yeah. I think it's coming from the bar over there.

Oh, sorry, I said, do you sell cigarettes? No, man, I'm just standing outside on the sidewalk. Oh, for my car. Yeah, me too. I'm voice. I'm John standing outside on the sidewalk, waiting for my car. Yeah, me too. I'm John, what's your name? John Royce, that's my name. John Royce.

Holy smokes. My face, because of the cigarette thing? I guess I didn't think of it that way. My father's name. New voice. Oh my God. Don't talk to me. What just happened?

You turned into a completely new person. Are you some sort of- I don't know you. We just met. And get away from me. My name's John. No we didn't. Yeah, you said, is your name Royce?

The name's Royce. Exactly. I heard, I saw, I met you like three seconds ago. Remember the cigarettes name? New Royce. Exactly. I met you like three seconds ago. Remember the cigarettes thing? New Royce. Oh my god it happened again. Don't say anything. What are you talking about? Give me ten thousand dollars if I guess your name correctly. I'm not gonna do that. Royce. Because I have a really common name. Royce is common? Actually, clearly you knew what it was. So you've obviously met a lot of Royces. I met two Royces before with two voices. Well. And they were both standing exactly where you were before you completely transformed to do a third

different Royce, if you can believe it. I think something's happening to you, man. I think something's happening to all of us. New John. Oh, that guy sucks. Now, scene. That was, that's, yeah, we don't even need to keep doing it. I think we hit the joke just fine.

No, we don't. We're good. You don't tell me how to run my outline. Let's do another scene. Wasn't, who was that? This one's Barika by herself. A monologue of Royce. Do you have a Royce song for later? That's funny.

Thank you. That's good. All right, monologue. What's my word? Your word is, uh, treasure. Treasure. It sucks. Um, I've gathered all of you here today to talk about the treasures of life. New Royce.

My name's Royce Key, and... Your last name is B? I love treasures. Yeah. Oh, so you're not in the scene. I'm just talking. I can ask you questions. We see it's a press conference Sorry, what do you mean the scene? Are you okay? See

Great ending it on um who was that NBA player Roy? So Neil yeah, is that the no the guy who like wouldn't get on a plane? Oh, Royce White. And now he's like a mega guy? Yeah. Wait, what's his last name? I think White. Yeah, Royce White.

That likely name for him to have. Not all Royces. Stop. Welcome to Pump the Fricks Beyond Relief. Were you editing the show way back when we did this? No, but maybe. This is, believe it or not, a sequel to a segment from episode 172, Yotel. I was going to say, this sounds familiar.

You and Marika were on. I was not on, I didn't even edit that episode. Okay. Why not? He didn't send it to me. 172? Yeah. So you were editing the show, but kinda. And then you talk about, you recorded it like day of

or something, you were like, you're gonna have time to send this to Grace and that, yeah. So that hog remained unseasoned? Yes, that's a very. No, it was seasoned, It wasn't spit roasted. Yeah. It was a raw hog. It was a raw sow. I liked rural hog.

Thank you. Well, then cut that out. Yeah. This was requested by Headgum Discord user, Camille. Camille. C-A-M-I-E-L? How do you say that name? Camille. Camille. Um, it's called Pump the Frakes Beyond Relief,

where we listen to mostly rhetorical questions posed by Jonathan Frakes, host of the show Beyond Belief. Only I'm not gonna stop asking these questions until the show has had its fill. Aka, beyond relief. Hmm. We've all heard the expression, clothes make the man. Is it really true? Did you?

What do you guys think? I haven't even heard that expression. I've heard it. I've heard it. Clothes make the man? But I've also heard the man makes the clothes is the thing Okay, I think the pushback has actually kind of been mainstreamed sure meaning you don't believe You haven't heard the man makes the clothes

No Maybe I just am around more motivational people. Maybe I'm just around more That is true that's true for sure. Do you have a favorite book as a child? Do you have a favorite book as a child? It's not rhetorical, right? I said mostly. Okay.

Do you have a favorite book as a child? No. Why not? I like the books for children. You made it seem like you were like a Dickensian peasant. We couldn't afford books! That's not what I said at all. I liked a lot of books. New Royce.

Count the freaks. I was going to say that by the way, no matter what you said. It's written in the outline. Yeah, I know. That's how you talk. Regardless of what, like, anyway. Next question. Please.

Man search for meaning. May I have some books? He was gonna say that regardless of what you said. No, that was prompted directly by what you said like 20 minutes ago though. Okay, next question. New question. We didn't get anyone's answers to this. And search for meaning. Corduroy the bear.

B-b-b-b-b-bear. What was your favorite method of falling asleep? Boxcar kids. I heard. Boxcar kids. Boxcar racer. Do you have a favorite method of falling asleep? I like to do the wood. Boxcar kids. Thanks. Boxcar racer. Do you have a favorite method of falling asleep? I like closing my eyes. Oh! Dottie.

Put your middle finger up. And it stays there, and it stays there. What the fuck is happening? Answer! It's the last night at Soho. I like to crack my back. Interesting. Do you go to sleep? Like as I'm getting in bed I would do that.

What's more precious than the gift of sight? Is there anything more precious than the gift of sight? I don't know. The gift of life? I would say sex is better. That's awesome for sure That's really but that might be it because I got LASIK and it's been a gift. Why are you wearing glasses? Because my eyes really work I haven't had sex either

Every time I've tried they've said pump the freaks and I said but I'm beyond relief You'd rather have sex than vision probably loser the hell Good luck seeing a movie ever I can hear a film you can't see a sex Check out girls on porn. That's cool. I'm going to add bone creaking sound effects as you're shifting in your room. The sound effect can being rustled. And you don't mean can be Russell?

No. Explain the mystery of music. Do we make... Favorite method of falling asleep? Is there anything more precious than the gift of sight who can explain the mystery of music Who can explain the mystery of music? Paul McCartney no, maybe Donald Fagan Donald No

From Steely Dan who's the other guy from Steely Dan? Walter Becker, he's dead. He's gone. He's gone. Did you go to the Sphere? I think maybe you won. Did you see the Grateful Dead at the Sphere? I'm going to.

You haven't seen him. I did last year and I'm going to this year, but not yet. And was it like mind blowing or were you just like, that was I? It was awesome. Compared to sex? No, no, still not as good. Cause you wouldn't be able to see it if you chose sex.

Yeah, that's kinda the whole thing with the spirit. It's not gonna happen. Also part of the reason why it was great is that the sound in the sphere is really good. We make our own luck. Can't hear what that said. Do we make our own luck gonna home can't hear what that's it do we make our own luck No, I kind of a little bit. I think it's 50 50. I think you can nice Life's like a little heavy time No, go ahead.

I said, nice. I said fries. I think you can create your own luck, but I think it's like when you put hard work into motion luck meets you. That's the most boring thing ever. And you said it like you were coming up with something interesting Whoever be truly safe What was that will you ever be truly safe will you can you will?

Will you ever know when you're dead I think that's that's a profound quote that I read which was a There's nothing to fear in death, it's perfectly safe. You should see some of the ways that I install... I know, but I said it in a way that was free, like the sentence structure is a little bit more inspirational. Does that make sense? Yeah, you were like... Yeah, but the concept was like... Like I had... Check the back sections of newspapers and magazines lately. What is this secret? Hm? Can a home ever be truly safe?

Have you checked the back sections of newspapers and magazines lately? What is the secret? No Why not? I haven't seen a physical newspaper or magazine in a while What is the secret of the green thumb? What am I- What's the secret of having a green thumb?

Oh Joel, you should answer this Yeah, it's the secret of having a green thumb? Oh Joel, you should answer this. Yeah, it's the Ruth Sprout method. Next question. Mysteries lie within the frame of a portrait. How many dramas have zanes lately? What is the secret of the green thumb? What mysteries lie within the frame of a portrait? How many-

What mysteries lie within the frame of a portrait? Intent, meaning, hope, desire. Ambiguous expressions that you can interpret for centuries. Hardest intention. I kind of think the Mona Lisa was just kind of tired. As opposed to Haggard DaVinci It's small and yeah thin it's but I'm convinced that's not the original

Where do you think the original is? Well, I know where it is Advice yeah, it's in the Vatican. Sure. Really? Grace cut that out. I'm not doing anything. That's a drama has taken place in these tight little boxes. How do you just, how many dramas have taken place in a telephone booth?

A doctor said these tight little boxes. Yeah, but- We all know what he meant. The visual of it, yeah. Wait, so what's the question in full? He said tight little boxes. He said how many mysteries have taken place in these tight little boxes?

And he's at an OBGYN's office. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hands off. Describe terror. Have you ever noticed? Describe terror. Can you come up with some of these? Because I can't quite figure out the... What Jonathan Frakes is saying. Yeah, what is he trying to... he's like posing these kind of pseudo intellectual prompts, but there's no real answer. Describe terror. There's also no pause between them yeah well I think that's a supercut I think he's not actually saying them that quickly no one wants to describe terror not even are you Chicago grad I studied math and art so no good

did you really study math yeah fortunately have you ever noticed the curious things one sees discarded by the I'm good. Did you really study math? Yeah, unfortunately. Have you ever noticed the curious things one sees discarded by the roadside? Who knows? I once. The curious things. I once found an Oasis CD by the roadside. Who knows why certain people say certain things. Did you take it and play it? I did not. not rapid fire around ever experienced a sleepwalking episode is there a

experience like watching it No annoying sound in the screech of chalk against chalkboard. Yeah any of the sounds you play My favorite position is GEO Good read My favorite position is GEO. Oh my god. That was a good one. That was a good read. Remember when we did truly terrible improv scenes a second ago? Oh yeah! The Royce thing, right?

I actually put a lot of work into the soundboard. So to say that it's worse than Ch on chalkboard is I think unfair to me. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe No, that's one of my favorites. It's labeled pile choking Taxes was There's something I want to do on this show which is that the in the comments on YouTube from the head gum account where you upload it comes up with the like signup like auto prompts to reply to comments and there was someone that asked what is the What's the source on the pile choking clip and one of the auto responses was like it should be in the soundboard

I think under pile of choking was like, it should be in the soundboard, I think under pile of choking. Pile of choking. Isle of choking. Where's Anderson? Geoff, you okay? Pretty close to Wokey. That could be an island off of England. Yeah.

Isle of man. Isle of dogs. Isle of choking. of England yeah I love man I love dogs I love choking wait who's here that was actually scary I love pile This is like the Hunger Games. Holy shit. It also could be like a baseball game. Make some noise. Welcome to... Oh god. Really should have saved this one for Halloween.

Head gum stones. Huh? Who? You know head stones? Can't hear you. You know head stones can't hear you You know headstones described her It's a home ever truly safe This is head gum stones a wire you had heard oh now

What's that an hour into the episode you're starting it. Well, only 48 minutes. This one hits really close to home actually. So, this is headstones of head gum employees. Freelancers included. So here we go. These are just what I thought your guys' tombstones would look like. I guess because I was just daydreaming about all of you guys dying. Here we go. This is Joel's. Joel, do you want wanna read this out loud for the audio listeners?

It says, Joel Dunoff, if you like when adult men dress like tween-age travel basketball managers, you would have loved Joel. And the part of this that really hurts is where you said manager. Yeah! Because to suggest that I wouldn't have made the team

is just... What is that? Oh, Anya's mad because it's 12.02. Because to suggest that I wouldn't have made the team is just... What is that? Oh, Anya's mad because it's 12.02. We need five more minutes. She's pissed. I'm pissed. Why?

Alright, here we go with Amir's. Oh, Amir Blumenfeld. Sorry. He either made or enjoyed YouTube shorts. I forget which 1983 to 2025 that's why you asked what euro was born. No, I was profiling you to put you into the TTRT What's that? It's the something terrorists Something all right here we go with grace Oh, is that from just 1989? In this universe you died as a child.

Oh god. An infant, yeah. It's like 12 days old. 40. Is that from Melania's... What do you mean 40? Days. It's not 40. If I died in 1999, I was only born on the 18th of December.

It says, I don't born on the 18th of December. It says, I don't really care. Do you? Which I believe was from Melania Trump's jacket. I like Melania Trump now because she's Slovenian and so is Luka Donska. Do you think that Barron Trump should be in the NBA? Yes, because of his Slovenian roots, I'm sort of all in on that country at this point. Here's Marika's.

Marika Brownlee, she died the way she lived, in fear. 1994 to 2025. That's pretty accurate. That's pretty accurate. That's haunting. Plugs. What do you guys have going on? What do you want to point the people towards? Let's start with Amir. You thought you stuck that landing.

Did you not make yourself one? No. Be bad karma. Really? Be bad Dharma. Is my whole life's purpose is bad? Amir? Follow Jake Hurwitz on Substack. The hell?

He has a Substack. And if enough people subscribe to it, he'll give me $10,000 cash annually as a gift so I don't have to pay taxes at all. Wow. Joel? I actually do have to pay taxes at all. Wow. Joel? I actually do have to pay taxes on gifts. Really? Shit, okay, follow me on Instagram then.

What? Adam Year. I still get like 6,000. Really? All right, subs, yeah. Meatball rollout. Follow them on Instagram, live comedy show, Hollywood, April 26th I want to say my

friend's house last show Tim Dillon rolled up you never know who'll be there please go or follow me on Instagram but as always it's private and it'll be a case-by-case basis for acceptance Nines only No, go what grace I'm good I don't really care. Do you That was a Headgum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, and I host the HeadGum Podcast We're Here To Help with my partner Gareth Reynolds. We're Here To Help is a call and advice show, think car talk from back in the day. We're determined to help fix life's dumbest problems.

We also have guest helpers join us from the entire cast of New Girl to Michael Cera, Andy Sandberg, Jimmy Kimmel, just to name a few. So do me a favor and come check out an episode and then bounce around our catalog. We're over 150 episodes so far, so there's plenty of stories for you to discover. Subscribe to We're Here to Help on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday, and bonus episodes drop on Wednesdays.