The Headgum Podcast - 4: Faris, Cut This Out

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

Amir, Marika, and Geoff discuss freezing wine, new podcast ideas, and Jake Gyllenhaal's long hair.Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. T'was the night before Thursday, and all through the shed, not a creature was stirring, Mark Ronson was dead. Welcome to the HeadGum Podcast, featuring, what is it, Marika Brownlee? That's my name. But I don't want to be here. Title? I'll decline to answer. Bad start. Amir Blumenfeldfeld american jew ass like like face ass

yeah exactly like i'm badass but instead of bad i'm jewish you guys remember face ass no no this was a trend i think in 2012 where people would like rap and uh use face ass as the end of every line so the one that i, and I don't remember why I memorized this, but it was shell face ass with your hair face ass, bando tripping out the house face ass. Why does my friend never want to leave the house face ass? Versace, Versace, Versace face ass? I've never heard of this.

If you look up Versace face ass, it'll come up. Yeah, I searched it. It said Google could find no results, which is the first time I've ever seen that. No, I know. The fact that it doesn't exist anywhere online is so rare. So like, I can't believe you thought of something. The tags are so bad that nothing else comes up, even unrelated. That's right.

It's Wednesday, April 19th. You are off by nearly two months. June 10th. April 19th uh you are off by nearly two months june 10th april 19th you said you were gonna pick up the slack of jake who couldn't make it today yeah that's why i said you're gonna know lord of the rings yes and i do give me a trivia question what's what's mordor pretty simple question what's more where you mean where's mordor well you could also say what's like you could say what's new york city yeah no i'm saying m doors the place where they're trying to find out where the the lords of the rings are from with regards to getting it back to like from where they are to where they need to go basically the fact that

you said with regards to in that whole definition yeah so that's moreordor. Mordor, I prefer less door, but I'll take what I can get. He's proud of that. This is the new Toyota Avalon. It comes in a four-door. But I do see that you're dressed head-to-toe in Lord of the Rings merchandise, so I assume there's a Mordor joke here. Nice, yeah. Do you have any Mordor options or Sordor?

Yeah. My colleague just ran your credit. You're not getting this car. Of course. Yeah. Because I have a bunch of unpaid bills, as it were. Yeah. Most of it was to Lord of the Rings themed costume warehouses that I owe thousands of

Costume themed warehouses? Yes. So the warehouse is not a costume warehouse. It's a costume themed warehouse so like all the boxes is that so like the boxes which contain goods and services are themed like a costume so it's like a batman shaped box but the box is filled with blunters and socks somebody steps on your cape did you guys hear that seattle uh in Capitol Hill, they declared an autonomous zone, so it's not under the rule of the U.S. for six blocks?

No, I didn't. What is it under the rule of? Anarchists. Nobody's in charge. It seems illegal, right, to do that, to just declare it as a zone that doesn't exist in America? It's illegal if it was in America, but what you're not getting, and I'm sorry to have to do this in front of Marika, but what you're not getting is that it isn't in America anymore. We lost that block. You couldn't to have to do this in front of Marika but like what you're not getting is that it isn't in America anymore.

We lost that block. You couldn't be happier to do this in front of Marika. You were so happy. You were staring at Marika but talking to me. Marika what did you think about me before I just did that versus now? I really wasn't paying attention so it's about the same. Fuck. But maybe a little worse.

So much work for nothing alright so Ferris will cut this out but I thought that it'd be fun because we are a podcast network why do you say Ferris will cut this out like don't say anything just say it and decide the post production later because when you say Ferris will cut this out it means I don't want to take this

segment seriously you're basically saying this means nothing but here we go so just say it if it's funny we'll keep it if not we'll cut it out don't say ferris but that's exactly my point because if i want to lower the expectation so we'll keep this in if it's good we'll keep it out if it isn't ferris cut all this out no matter what i'm saying basically what a lot because if you guys think that none of this is on the record it'll all be cut out you'll have this freedom you know it's like a free-flowing state you'll be open to it's just you're lying to us don't see it as lying see it as like producing okay

so what were you saying are you drinking wine by the way yeah it's a shard it's a buttery shard it's so of those words together. It's a charred chard. So I froze a chardonnay and then grilled it. So you froze wine, which is very hard to do, and then melted it again into a glass. That's exactly what happened. Was it grilled in or out of the bottle? No, I poured wine into basically a tupperware that was in the shape of a big ice cube froze it and then dropped the sphere not sphere but rectangular 3d block a brick

of wine onto a uh what was a gas grill okay and then it fell into melted into it didn't fall anything it just was on the grill charred for a spell, and then it melted. What were you asking us before? This is not a virtual background, by the way. You're in front of an Aurora Borealis, and it looks like the middle of Norway. Yeah, that's exactly right. Is that why you're wearing that hat? What's that?

Is that why you're wearing that hat? No, I'm wearing the hat because I didn't show. Oh, it actually doesn't look that bad. It's perfect. You moosed it. No, it'm wearing the hat because I didn't show. Oh, it actually doesn't look that bad. It's perfect. You moosed it. No, it's not Patrick's stump hair. You mean Pete Wentz? Yeah, sorry. Alright, watch this.

This is for the fans and the culture and the gram, the vine. Vine doesn't exist anymore, but yeah. Aren't you huge on bite? And then you have to get the back. Yeah, it's kind of marika this yesterday yeah it works it's like a comb over but you never needed one to begin with it's a comb fronter so all the hair goes to the front like it's kind of coming out

say like stop riffing dream jobs don't apply to us need not apply dream pods let's talk about it marika who's somebody or some ip that you would love to see a show about you ask questions so poorly rephrase it be clearer of all the pods that of all the pods that don't exist which one would you listen to and why i don't know which way was worse uh i'm just really stuck on what ip do you want to be a podcast i'm asking you that you don't have to emphasize that. That's clear. You called out to me to answer this question. And I know that. But I'm saying you asked it poorly and it's difficult to answer off the cuff.

You could have prepared, but I didn't give you the question ahead of time. Yeah, exactly. So we're in agreement. Then you rephrased it to make it a slightly worse, different question was thinking that um so you don't care about answers i was letting you guys talk first so that i didn't appear like i was dominating the game it's clear you had a certain one that you wanted to talk about or a joke to make so why don't you just go ahead and do that because you were not listening to what we were saying right um mickey mouse house hunters so it's disney basically what you guys have to understand

is that disney owns marvel disney owns fox disney owns all of the walt disney animation catalog okay so we're talking most of hollywood why are you rubbing your eyes star wars i was crying but also star wars and not in like a happy way like i want to see celebrities house hunting and so we like a celebrity realtor takes them around and this is all audio so we don't see the house so they don't have to worry about privacy but it's them giving their thoughts on like a three bedroom and we don't see the house they describe the house or not and mickey mouse is how is it involved because it is half of the title is mickey mouse just because like i was saying dis Disney owns so much of Hollywood.

And so like so much of Hollywood also has to do with celebrities. I don't know if you actually knew that, but basically. So it's just Disney adjacent celebrities speaking about their houses that they're looking to buy without any visual component. It'll be Disney adjacent. So Jason Manzoukas is sort of browsing in Highland Park. And I think that he was in I think he was in one of the Marvel movies what is that?

but I guess that doesn't matter because adjacent wasn't part of your pitch you said Disney adjacent which just meant Jason Manzoukas so he doesn't have to be adjacent yeah and what's the podcast exactly he's looking at a house he's browsing like he's not even actively looking because he has to go to New York for, like, a few months.

So he'll be back in October. But for now, let's kind of see what's available. You were going to say June, right? So he's just on, like, apartments.com. No, this isn't. Sorry, this is not to rent. This is to own. All right.

Or at least to own opportunities. Okay. So he's on Street Easy browsing for apartments to own and talking about it into a microphone by himself. Yes. But then part of it could be that he's also talking to his celebrity friends over drinks and he's like have you guys like do you guys know monterey hills like what's the name of the show what's the name of the show again the name of the show oh i'm glad you guys it's actually mickey mouse house hunters right so that you know that that title is bad based on what you just told us right because you were talking about jason manoukas looking for a house.

Yeah, it doesn't have to exclusively be about Disney. I mean, NADD pod doesn't only do D&D. They do. All right, I've never listened to it. Yeah, that's clear. Amira, dream pods? Dream pods. I'd like to have a podcast that completely brings together two of my

passions in life. Which are? For the first time yeah which is basketball and Mario Kart. So the podcast is basically all the characters we've grown to love in Mario Kart imagine Dry Bowser running the lane and dishing it to green Yoshi.

This seems like a game. Yeah it seems like a game. Yeah. It's not a game, it's fanfic. It seems like you played Mario Tennis and were like, what if this, but it was also NBA 2K. I did download Mario Aces, which allowed me to play Tennis as Mario. And that's a good point. Why doesn't Mario or Luigi ever slam dunk a basketball? I mean, they clearly got the ups for it.

Do they? Yeah. I mean mean you see mario jumping over pipes that are twice his height he could probably throw one down jam it yeah a reverse windmill of sorts yeah yoshi i mean even princess i can see get up there and just yam one home and you know she could be on fire if she gets that that flower. Let's do NBA comps to Mario characters. All right, Marika, you start. I'm going to go Lakitu. Uh-huh.

And... Exactly. And then which basketball player would you think Lakitu is most like? Oh, boy. There's so many options. Is Lakitu the bird? The little buzzard? He's the one that counts you down right yeah he's sitting

in a cloud isaiah thomas it's good the original or the newer shorter version newer shorter version i like that and what about roy the character the character the mario character of roy brandon roy Brandon Roy. That's perfect. Wario is Glenn Davis. That's cool. Big baby. And dry Wario. There's a Bowser and then there's a dry Bowser, right? Are we to assume regular Bowser is just soaking wet?

Bowser is an alcoholic. Dry Bowser is off the sauce. That's cool. What about dry January Bowser? So he's like dry for now, but as soon as February rolls around, he's going to be back on the, on the sauce off the wagon. Dry January Bowser Jones.

I was going to do the exact thing. So it's Betty Draper in a turtle shell, drinking a gin Ricky with Ricky Martin in martin in march with marching gortat how's that for a wall street journal cartoon how's that for a washington post like the newspaper the what never mind what was that bright light on you oh i was switching to look at my notes oh my god you have notes for this it's been awful I can't believe you planned any of this The poem at the top That was written beforehand

I wrote that last night in a fever dream In a fit I was throwing a tantrum and I was dancing I got my septum pierced And then I took it out because it didn't look good Marika you're a Broadway nerd good. Marika, you're a Broadway nerd. Yeah. Emphasis on broad. Okay.

Maybe not the time. I don't know. Did you see the Sondheim marathon? I did. And I think that your Slack icon is Long Hair Gyllenhaal. Yeah, it's Long Hair Gyllenhaal from Stephen Colbert. And he seems to be really into Broadway these days.

Yeah, he's doing a lot. He was on. Do you just want me to talk about Jake Gyllenhaal? I'll do that. Continue, continue. Not too long, but continue. Okay. Get to your question, Josh.

First, cut this out. Yeah, he was most recently in seawall slash a life with tom sturridge at the hudson theater which transferred from the public theater which was also recorded for audible so you can listen to it he did the you know sunday in the park you're putting on it why are you putting on a hat are you bored you asked me to do this i'm listening what do you want me to talk what do you want me to say continue continue just i want you to list everything that he's done since he's had long hair and we'll get since he's had long hair we'll get to why okay i mean i think those are the two i think he grew it out originally for sunday in the park and amir

you've seen jake gyllenhaal's. Yeah, I saw Nightcrawler recently. It was very good. Yeah. So he has short hair in that, right? Yeah, I don't know, actually. It might be a little long. So if we can kind of go off this idea that Gyllenhaal went through some kind of personal growth along with his hair, I'd like to shout out a few activities, traits, things, phrases. And you guys say whether it's a short hair gyllenhaal move or a long hair

gyllenhaal move these are things that he that he did don't push back on every i'm asking a question for clarification i spend hours coming up with stuff like this for you guys i get on the pod i offer them up and then you're you guys like kind of put stop me in my tracks and you're like so it's this it's that i don't understand what's not clear about it i just wanted to know if we're asking or if we're we're contributing long hair short hair jake dylan hall to actual things jake jones done or if no no no no no no it's just random shit it's just shit where it's like oh that's okay that's a short hair jill andal. Okay, I understand. All right, going to a water park. Long hair Gyllenhaal.

Really? Yeah. Why is that such a fucking eye-opener? You gave her two options to answer. She gave you one of them, and you're acting like she said something groundbreaking. Long hair Gyllenhaal. Next one. It seems like a new money kind of, oh, he's new to Hollywood type thing.

Let's go to a water park, because he doesn't know that there's classier things to do not really but okay continue all right amir diversifying your portfolio uh short hair jill and hall just keep going let's do this that's so incorrect you guys aren't getting this at all that's totally long hair and there are right answers yeah there's not yeah there's barely barely a right answer but yeah continue guesting on a show where he's kind of house hunting they could call it I don't know Mickey Mouse house hunting yeah we heard that one already long hair next

choosing the frozen yogurt option because it has a quarter of the fat content of ice cream short hair okay you're mad I also disagree with that you guys are one for four. Maybe that was purposeful.

Getting his driver's license. A short hair? Yes, because he was younger. Right. Yeah, logic. You guys don't seem like you're having fun. Of course not. I don't get this game.

I don't give a shit about Jake Gyllenhaal, whether it is long hair or short hair. Like, going to a water park? And on the opposite of that spectrum, I care a lot about Jake Gyllenhaal and also just don't get this game. You've alienated everybody. Keep this in. Keep this in. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, if you had an extra hour in your day,

a lot of people would spend that very differently than the one sitting next to them. Maybe person A would go for a run, person B would take a nap, and patient zero would read a book. The point is, a lot of us spend our time and our lives wishing we had more hours in the day. And the question is, what is that time for? And if time was unlimited, how would you use it?

The best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you and make it a priority thus. Therapy can help you find what matters to you so you can do more of it. I'm in therapy every week and I benefit from it personally as I pursue to better myself and be a better version of myself today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, you said tomorrow. So just therapy. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash whatsthat today to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash whatsthat. Thanks, BetterHelp. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1, just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every day, no exceptions. And it helps me feel, you know, energized, focused, ready to take on the day.

Like I'm doing one powerfully healthy habit that's also powerfully simple. I know that AG1 gives my body high quality nutrition because every batch goes through a rigorous testing process so that you know it's safe. And their ingredients are sourced for potency, absorption, and nutrient density, all of which is very important and you don't always get with other leading nutrition brands.

I like to drink it first thing in the morning. I'll have a glass of water. I'll have my AG1 and then I'll have my coffee. And it gets me set off to take on the day and to be centered and to feel like I did at least one good thing for my health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1.

Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it drink ag1.com slash what's that check it out um what have you guys been up to this week we haven't done one of these for two weeks i bought two more nintendo switch games to try to diversify my playing portfolio so that's sort of the biggest change in my life ultimate chicken horse is that ultimate chicken horse is one of them played with marika played with you on the live stream yeah i didn't fully get the game yeah it seemed like you should have prepared you fall backwards in your chair into the wall as if it's a liquid

the aurora borealis swallows you whole and then i got mario aces which uh is a tennis game i'm slowly starting to learn how to play that as well. I'm still into Mario Kart, but I'm trying to flex other parts of my brain. Do you think you'll ever get Animal Crossing? No. That's fair. I went through a phase over the weekend and last week where I got really into it again

because I decided to care about the villagers on my island and give them gifts so that they would like me more but this week I am on a decline where I just care less and it feels like a chore oh I see so you're losing it a little bit now it keeps it's in waves how is your week what have you been up to is that what you wanted thank you okay uh no i i flew back home to cleveland and i just got tested for coronavirus today so we'll know in the next two days whether or not i um have it right just a little part of you wish you had it would make it a hell of a lot easier antibodies wise that's right and you'd have actually something interesting about you right

for the first time in your life. What? I'm saying something that distinguishes you from an average fucking human for the first time ever. You get to be like, hi, I have an interesting thing. I actually got this disease. Otherwise, I'm sort of a nobody man. No. You wear an orange hat to stand out, but it doesn't really help because it looks muted on Zoom.

I thought it helped. Yeah. Because the whole thing with the hat,'s like you're an oatmeal person you're a bland brown sugar anything fruit added maple syrup plain maybe a raisin maybe at least there's bits of oats though right that could have been cream of wheat it's too it's too overcooked it's a sludge you are can i at least freeze it and grill it? You're not only porridge, you are poor. I'm not porridge. I'm poor rich. It's like being skinny fat.

I barely make six figures. I don't get accepted by the wealthy. And I don't relate to the common man. It's like that joke in Succession about how you don't want $5 million because you and i don't relate to the common man it's like that joke in succession about how you don't want five million dollars because you're the poorest rich person on america yeah i started watching dave have you guys seen that no sorry i've seen the first few episodes it was good yeah when you went to the premiere yeah it was really entertaining how many did they show two episodes one and three oh you saw three yeah the one where he's yeah the table at the end and

the garage door yeah that's something you would write yeah you and jake should write for that show you guys have this a similar voice okay so who do we talk to about that well i was thinking that i kind of wanted to bring this up after the stream but i was thinking that i could manage you guys uh maybe just because you know me maybe you throw me 30 instead of 10 uh and this way i can get you meetings i can get you in rooms that you wouldn't be otherwise able to i could get you software that you wouldn't otherwise be able to yeah uh so you want triple what a manager normally makes to get me into a meeting that you think you can get me in that I can't. What's an example of a meeting that you can get me into, but that I cannot? My buddy, Kevin, he started a meditation

pillow business. So you sort of sit on it and kind of breathe. I don't care. How can you get me into that meeting? And I can't, I can easily contact this Kevin guy and have a meeting with him, but I don't want to. Well, you don't know his number. You don't know his number. So, you know, you're talking, you're're not just getting my you're not just getting me as a manager you're getting my rolodex you're getting my contacts you still have a rolodex i have a rolodex and by the time we're finished with your career you're gonna have a rolex that's not a huge goal to me how much is does a Rolex cost? Well, like some of them are in the 20 thousands, but you could probably get a cheap one for like 2000. So you're promising me

$2,000 of which you get 30% of. How about I'll give you $600 right now to leave me alone for the rest of my life. Deal. That was, that was what I was hoping. Ferris cut this out. Ferris cut this out. But basically, somebody DMed me saying that they wanted to play the Guess Who's 59, or what is it? Guess Who's 58? Yeah, but it could be for any age. Let's guess who's 27, because you know, there's the 27 Club.

Yeah. Who's going to die this year? Who's 27? Rika, can you number crunch for us? Yeah, sure. Can I also play the game as a participant? Yes, yes, yes. No.

Yes, yes, yes. No? No, yeah, you're just a Google screen of yourself. Yeah. So we're just naming 27-year-olds. That's the goal. I'm going to go Josh Hutcherson. Okay.

Pretty good. Josh Hutcherson is 27. Whoa! Let's, that's, I thought I was gonna be wrong. That's great. That's really impressive for me. Let's move on. He used to own a house up on Woodrow Wilson in the Hollywood Hills.

3.5 million dollars. That's cool for him. It's a treehouse. Was he in a Disney production? I don't know. I'm just saying if you were to make this show that you keep talking about, he already seems like a good guy.

You already found the house, Marika. We're talking first-time homeowners. Are we? I wasn't clear. Ferris, can you just, as a blanket note, just cut out any dialogue where they refute me.

So you don't want any pushback. It's just that uploaded with a head game intro and outro i'm gonna go uh one of the sprouse twins which one because they were born several years apart i'm gonna go dylan sprouse 27 wow what if we all get it? Then we're back to zero. I remember I was in high school when I found out that they went to NYU and I really wanted to go to NYU.

Alright, my turn? Yeah. Do you want to just sort of rant about your fucking half-baked relationship with Cole Sprouse? Yeah, well that's what I was going to get to

is that I can't help but feel like a kinship there. Cantavious Caldwell Pope, Los Angeles Laker, who's got to be 27 plus or minus one year. Okay. 27. This is too easy. I mean, I can't think of any others after that.

Three for three, though. That's pretty impressive. Let's choose a different year, a different age. 33. Ooh. A 33-year-old. pretty impressive let's do let's choose a different year a different age 33 a 33 year old imagine me but four years younger can i interest you in somebody named uh demi lovato demi lovato that's right did you guys know that I me Pyle and Marty went to a Demi Lovato

concert I did not know that a few years ago did she say 33 this is why we need an HR package that shouldn't have happened

we were trapped in Houston Texas after South By and we were there for like three days and we were like

let's go to the Houston Rodeo and Demi Lovato was playing the Houston Rodeo. So we stood and watched for a few songs. What a gig. It's a huge stadium. Oh, really?

If you left halfway through, would you say you saw Semi Lovato? Okay, she's 27. Really? We can't tell if she's 27 or old. Everyone's 27. Holy shit. Wait a a minute i'm 27 brendan uri he's old isn't it is 33 i feel like you just knew that i did know that i did know that but paris cut that out okay well that's not fair um oh boy so so far we have four 27 year olds and a 33 year old yeah sounds like a bachelor party if i've ever heard of one okay well i haven't yikes i have never been invited

all right yeah yeah i mean't know she is she is i yeah they're all 27 yeah it's weird that they're all specifically 27 like some of these people can easily be 26 or 28 but we've guessed five six people and five of them are 27. Josh Peck. Did you guys ever see that Josh Peck movie, The Whackness? Yes. I think about it often. So bad and probably cultural appropriation. He's 33.

Let's go. Jesus, you're fucking insane at this game. Here's a segment. It's called the guy who cuts my hair texted me. Marty? No, Marty wants to cut my hair. Osman texted me. Hi there.

I'm back working at a new salon because of new regulations i'm only available three days a week and every other saturday feel free to text me at this number would you guys get a haircut at a salon no i've had friends do that and i'm kind of like that's that's that's one of the worst things you could do i think that npr rated that a high risk higher than going to a restaurant. Yeah, but it's high risk, high reward, because you can come out looking like a stud. You're inside all day. You don't need to look great. But imagine a guy with coronavirus sort of standing over you for half an hour,

talking your ear off and spitting down onto you, almost like an umbrella that rains. Wet, wet virus. And then at the end of it you have a fucking zero fade and a disease that'll leave honeycomb scarring on your lungs forever who says no to that and you got

a top buzz and a middle bun how you had to simulate male pattern baldness so you look like a priest and if you're lucky you only got influenza a wait so amir what do you know about the the lung scarring because i've heard mixed things about that i don't want to talk about that no i need i need to talk i think it's important to talk about because there's a lot of people who aren't taking it seriously yeah i mean it's it's case by case you know some people don't even realize they have it and as you see some people

die and there's just a wide range of reactions the human body can have based on your age and health status okay and if I'm constantly getting aroused is that that's not coronavirus that's not a symptom right no I think you're just horny corny corny of course being horny during the quarantine which I think it's fine to be like publicly corny but i don't think it's fine to be publicly horny like if there were normal circumstances this would be a breach of not only contract but of social uh social contract i guess so the company's contract social contract me bringing up the fact that i'm ever i'm a sexual being during a work hour you're corny on Maine which is the new

podcast you're hosting this it's Main Street USA meets the Playboy radio hour what is that how do we make well how do we mix old school values with new school sexuality you said you're quarantining at home in Cleveland right does that mean you landed went to your room and haven't left in four days i haven't left other than going outside yeah i see and then how did you get tested today we got uh my parents doctor was able to get us tests that's good did you do that at home did you do the nasal swab nasal swab and my god is it an intense sensation it's not necessarily painful but it goes up your nose to where it tickles and then pushes past twice as far and then suddenly it's like in here between your eyes and you start tearing up like you're crying over like marley and me and then when it comes out

finally and you just start weeping but you're not sad which is such a strange sensation it's not although it's not the worst test i've gotten the worst test i've gotten was for lasik amir did they have you do this where they scrape your eye three times each uh i don't know about scraping but they do have to like blow wind in it check your eye pressure no no no you would know this for sure you wouldn't forget this i think it's because i have my i have chronic dry eyes so i think it was to see if I had the mucus film. But it's this little tab, this little tissue. So it's full just cloth. And they scrape your eyeball raw three times.

And they didn't warn me. So she comes in. I'm just thinking it's going to be like a dilation thing. She's like, all right, just hold still. I'm like, of course. And then she does it. And I'm like, oh, no. And she's like, oh, yeah, sorry, it hurts.

I'm like, thanks for the heads up. And I'm like, oh, no! And she's like, oh, yeah, sorry, it hurts. I'm like, thanks for the heads up. And I'm like, all right, the next eye. And she's like, I actually have to do it two more times in that eye. I'm like, get it over with, you absolute craven human. Scrapes again. It burns me! It was awful, and I was a candidate. And then I got a job that had me in L.A., so I couldn't come home to get the LASIK.

But now I wish I had, because it's only getting worse. You can do it now. I don't feel comfortable going into a doctor's office. Yeah, I feel you. It can also be absorbed through the eyes. Yeah, that's why they tell you not to rub your eyes. Really? You brought that up.

I was agreeing with you. How could you be taken aback by that? You said one thing and I said, you're right. You said, really? Wow. Yes, really, you're right. And you said, really? Wow. Yes, really. You're right. You're also surprised that you're correct?

Most of the shit I say is just throwing darts on the board. Let's fucking miss 100% of the shots you don't take. So when any of them hit, I'm like, really? It seems like you miss 100% of the shots that you do take as well. You just never make anything. Yeah, but there's more fun in trying. So for me, being cooped up here is tough for me marika have you been outside uh no not really i went loser i'm sorry but like amir and i've been outside at least okay yeah i mean i i um i go outside when i get

packages or food and over this weekend i stood outside of my house for an hour talking to my friend so that's kind of all i've done that counts and over this weekend I stood outside of my house for an hour talking to my friend. That's kind of all I've done. That counts. What's the most quarantine meal you guys have had? I feel like that could be a number of things. Like you had clam strips and it took three hours to get to you. Why don't you tell that story?

You ordered clams? I got a text from Marika, not only out of the blue, but off the cuff. But out of the box. Left of center. And it said, should I spend $30 to get clam strips and chips delivered to my house right now? And I'm like, all right. Why not? Because it's a quarantine meal yeah i mean can you take me through what a clam strip is as somebody that didn't really grow up eating seafood like i know oysters are these

slimy nuggets are clams also that same shape um i don't how do they make them into strips that's what i asked i was like what makes it a strip? I said, what are clam strips? Marika said, they're fried clams, dude. And I was like, no, but clams aren't in strips.

And she's like, well, these are. Yeah. I mean, they're, they're like, I don't know how else to explain it.

It's not like calamari where it's in a ring. They are just little strips. I'm getting nauseous thinking about it. Like, you know how when you order fries to go and they they arrive soggy so imagine that but instead of potatoes it's a fucking mollusk yeah yeah yeah i mean dolphin shoal uh it was a weird yeah so i mean i ordered these clam strips and fries uh it took way too long.

There was some miscommunication with the driver in the restaurant. They said, clearly she can't mean this. Nobody's ever ordered this. We're a Greek diner. Does she mean the euro? Yeah, you added a custom item. The clam strips at this restaurant had been sold out for like three days. And I finally saw them, that they were available.

And I was like, I have to do this. And they finally arrived truly three hours late. It was like 10 p.m. And it was a weird sensation of the clams being crunchy and cold. And I tried microwaving them and they just would not heat up god you microwave deep fried clams because they had cooled off what's the best case scenario there that they get warmer obviously a hot soft clam strip and did I mention it was deep fried at six? I don't like that all of the content I've made is just surrounding various seafood. You are a seafood enthusiast.

My chowder. Yeah, that's right. Oh my god. Is there a seafood that you don't like? I don't know. I don't really eat any raw fish or sushi. Like sushi, yeah. Yeah. I could do without harambe.

I don't know. I don't eat shellfish that often. Unless it's like a deep fried clam strip. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Or like a fully boiled lobster. You had that on Wednesday. I actually don't like lobster.

I do like crab crab, shrimp, and clams are my shellfish of choice when I do get it which is rare are you feeling a little shellfish recently? yeah I think so I mean probably not right

Jeffrey what were you saying saying marika texted you yesterday marika texted me last night out of again out of the blue off the cuff left of center a real a reliant k lyric because marika and i grew up on the same music basically what is it uh emo pop punk i would say yeah not just that but that's where it overlaps and then we were talking about Reliant K songs and she said that her favorite is Savannah because it's about her hometown and then she said also this is exact words

also dead ass I did a tap routine to that in high school I mean first of all wait I wanna play for you what this song sounds like i will hold on well i should defer amir to understand the other tap routine that i did with this same class was to a dave matthews band song just to give you a hint of...

Marika's tapping right now. Still got it. I can hear it in my head. Yeah, I mean, it's a nice, like, soft song. It's got a fast beat. It's a great song. It's a great song. It's in a chemistry class, too. I guess my point is that it's got a fast beat it's a great song chemistry class too I guess my point is that it's

my point I guess is that it's pretty stripped down like it's just bass upright bass and drumsticks for most of it would you say it's clam stripped down my only issue with Savannah by Reliant K is that it's clam stripped down

I looked up what fried clams are My only issue with Savannah by Reliant K is that it's clam stripped down. I looked up what fried clams are and the definition that pulls up is fried clams are clam dipped in milk and then flour and deep fried. In microwave. Milk to perfection. I feel like they didn't have to say that they're dipped in milk. That feels like a bad way to start the definition. I thought you do it in egg wash, not milk. I would have as well, to be honest. The photos that I'm seeing online look pretty good. It looks like

popcorn chicken or something. If you like the texture of clams, you'll probably like fried clams. So chewy? Yeah. It's like calamari. That's the log line underneath the diner if you like the texture of clams you'll probably think clam strips are fine come on down our potatoes are soft make it a clam night you grew up in los angeles that's right did you ever go to fairs like the

la county fair yeah or like anything that would have a funnel cake the closest that i did was my jewish school throwing like a purim carnival every year but it wasn't very like fair style i didn't go to a fair until i was much older and i was actually unfair of my parents to keep me away from the orange county fair which would have provided me with funnel cake and uh actually i went to a fair once in texas with a girlfriend at the time and she wanted to ride on like a tilto whirl i'm like i don't really like rides that just make you dizzy it makes me nauseous and she's like come on live a little etc etc so she finally convinced me to do it i did it and i felt so nauseous afterwards that i vomited in a porta potty and it's like do I have to say

I told you so at the end of that or should she already feel like trash that she poisoned me with her ideology I feel like that's the end of the date right oh no we ended up getting clam strips did you

go to Farrah's lot I went to Farrah's lot I knew you did I didn't even have to i tapped at a fair and i knew without asking she was into a fair i dead ass tapped at a fair i really did i funneled all my energy into cakes funnel or otherwise i'm not a huge fan of funnel cake funnel cake is just too oily cake dough yeah i just yeah the tastes too strongly of oil for me yeah um i mean if you have you been on a ferris wheel and follow up have you ever been on a ferris monchi wheel so it's ferris and he just gets like a little tire for you to play with and it's like you have like a a stick in that like wheel and it's you and manchi just going ham and eating ham why because it's

the 25th of december and you have nothing better to do with your time slash lunch imagine leaving work on your lunch break like i'll see you guys after lunch and you go and ride a wheel with ferris with monshi yeah um ferris should have a podcast called munching with monshi and so it's just kind of like binging with babish but instead of recreating like food from tv and film he he makes tv and film based off of meals that he's had. That's cool. We should clarify that Ferris Munchie is the producer of this show, right? So like it's not just a name we made up.

It's like an actual human that behind this name. A very good dude. Yeah. We should have him on. He does the voice for the commercial, the ad for this show. I don't know if it's up or not, but very, very good dude. Yeah. We should have him on. Good. He does the voice for the commercial, the ad for this show. I don't know if it's up or not, but very smooth vocals. So I'll come up with some segments that only people with smooth vocals could do. That's cool.

I'll join that since I also have smooth vocals. Why are you laughing? Why are both of you cracking up? Since I also have smooth vocals. Your voice sounds like the software they do to create anonymity in documentaries. Why, whatever do you mean? Yeah, but pitched up to a normal pitch,

so it's still the watery murkiness of it. Yeah, without any of the cool deep bass. deep bass I guess we can end with the segment that we did last week that was a fucking hit what's the what's one word that you would have to describe your week interesting for me it'd be versatility right because

I can kind of come at you from any angle what are you talking about why are you coming at us? How is that for this week, though? Why do you guys... Just fucking... It's yes and. It's yes and.

It's positivity. It's being somebody's colleague. I never took improv. Not shooting me down as soon as I say versatility. You'll never know whether I'm behind you, in front of you, the side of you, because I'm lanky, because I'm shadowy, because my face and resume is shrouded in secrecy. You said you haven't left your property. Alright.

My word is Shakespearean. Interesting. I watched a lot of Shakespeare. Fuck you! What are you talking about? Ferris, keep this in. I watched a lot of Shakespeare this week. I have a good reason for that. Okay, good is that because you miss shakespeare in the park um

i do miss shakespeare in the park but i was watching a lot because the national theater in london has been streaming a lot of their taped performances over the past few months and i had some catching up to do. That's cool. We have Versatility, or Versatile. Then we have Shakespeare in. Amir? Beef. Beef?

I had a steak the other day that will rock. Is that the only way off? Oh yeah, sorry, this week? Rice. Yeah. It's always oil beef rice i'll turn over in my grave because i this this is the the death of me the second that you answer with a two syllable or more answer it's always one harsh word that conjures up imagery let's try one more okay beef oil rice now tone i mean it's a little better it's a little better i don't know because the way he says it and how fucking proud he is he has his

arm up against like on the back of the chair smiling ear to ear tone zone now you said let me change my answer then fine zone no no if i could change my answer starting now yes yes sure fine greece you said greece you said greece two weeks ago you said you were losing that living that hashtag greasy lifestyle no but this is the country so i had a suvlocky delivered to a neighbor no it was drunk from a neighbor to a neighbor to a man look me in the eyes and tell me what i ordered you know what i mean no hang on let me just get this straight what actually happened you ordered what is it suvlockaki yes and yeah and then hand delivered it to an unknowing neighbor i'm saying open the door i'm saying you said my word

is tone you didn't accept that so i shifted gears and i had to call an audible so i figured it's all greek to me nice let's really let's make it greece have you ever been to mykonos in the fall is it different in the fall i don't know i haven't been but to be there and to eat this hero made me feel like a hero yeah we're not gonna what is the show we're not gonna buy the show this is a pitch meeting you came in here you started saying let me describe my week to you in one word tone and what's the tone of the show? We're not going to buy the show. This is a pitch meeting. You came in here. You started saying, let me describe my week to you in one word. Tone. And what's the tone of the show?

Well, it's all Greek to me. It's a workplace dramedy. And it takes place in Mykonos in the fall. And I mentioned I hand-delivered a souvlaki to my neighbor. And when he answered the phone slash door, I said that it's all greasy. I don't want a pilot. i want the whole freaking season and speaking of seasoning could i recommend lowry seasoning salt you put that on your clam strips you drop it on the desk it goes everywhere glass shatters oh shit you're gonna

want to weed out the the actual salt from the shards it's fine we'll deal with it later thank you what's the name of the show it's all fine to time starring amir blumenfeld it stars you is this the theme song yeah well i don't want to just pitch you a show and hand it off this is my baby i need to work on it take it from the top we'd love to hear it what the theme song that you just sang the theme song is sort of a parody of what of a song you may or may not have heard of okay just sing it we don't need to all this prefacing oh say can you grease by the dawn's early fries. What's a clam strip we ate at the microwaving died

when I ate those strips and they were fried on the grill. And it sort of ends there. the rest of it is the outro music which is what so proudly ate clams at the twilight last greasy and

the rocket's red corn the bumper sting on Dorn, gave proof to the sight that her flag was still sold. Oh, say can you eat these oysters on the grill slash day. I want to be free. And this part is sort of what the actual national anthem is. And the home of the brave. Or whatever.

But Manchi, keep that in. Or Ferris, take it out. Can I have your two season commitment in the room fuck it yeah you accosted my ears there's a lot of me singing on this podcast which I didn't expect well there's not enough Marika Sachs which I did expect yeah care to play us out no all right this is good content um I guess we should end it here. We'll see you guys next week. Do you guys have anything to plug?

Listen to the HeadGum podcast on headgum.com. So listen again. The numbers could always be better. Follow me on Letterboxd, I guess. Marike Elan. M-A-R-I-K-E-L-O-N. Yeah, all of them are horrible takes.

You said Passion of the Christ was not believable. Sorry, I said it was unbelievable. 12 stars. Is A-Long your middle name? Yes. That's cool. I'd like to plug the documentary 13th, if you haven't seen it.

Everybody watch it. It's 90 minutes. You're really making us look bad. Hi, just plug a fucking podcast. Marika does her letterboxd and all of a sudden you're this, you're the saving grace because you're plugging a documentary about racial injustice.

Congratulations. Actually, let me go first. Not much to promote. Just 13th on Netflix, which I think is pretty important. Jeff, I was going to say 13th,

but now I'll plug the end of policing by Alexlex vitality it's free on verso books.com you fucking asshole i'm also on instagram is all also uh on our weekly streams we're donating any super chat donations that come into various orgs every week uh when are we going to get that capture card people really want to see us do mario capture card is coming to my house on saturday i believe and if it actually works mario karts come into a theater near you 25 capacity you got to wear a mask no popcorn but enjoy the show uh what are the takeaways i guess marika you did tap routines to pop punk you don't have to worry about the takeaways like let people worry about the takeaways let people just remember what they want to remember you don't have to like

reiterate what happened the podcast just ended so let them just take away what they want yeah to recap it all well even for me it's nice to have i learned what i learned about amir is that you you said that you would risk your life in the lives of others for a haircut yeah i didn't say that i was joking about that at a certain point but yeah that was like 18 minutes ago so you could just listen to the episode again and then decide to remember what you ever whatever you want all right and then the last verse of it was just the uh the actual national anthem home of the brave land of the free home of the brave so that's and that was very very recently so you don't have to recap that at all as well all right we'll see you guys next week later That was a HeadGum Podcast.