The Headgum Podcast - 42: Keeping Phone Records (w/ Caleb Hearon & Shelby Wolstein!)

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

Caleb Hearon and Shelby Wolstein (Keeping Records podcast) join Amir and Geoff to discuss rare Atlantic fish, root canals, and Caleb and Shelby's actual phone numbers. Plus they play a round of GEOFFARDY!Subscribe to the new Headgum podcast Keeping Records on your favorite podcast app!Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. What's the name of the show? It's All Fine to Time, starring Amir Blumenfeld. It stars you. Is this the theme song? Yeah, well, I don't want to just pitch you a show and hand it off. This is my baby. I need to work on it.

Fine, take it from the top. We'd love to hear it. Oh, say can you grease by the dawn's early fries? What's a clam strip we ate at the microwaving died? the microwaving died when i ate those strips and they were fried on the grill what so proudly ate clams at the twilight last greasy and the rock it's red, the bumper stick on Dorn gave proof to the site that her flag was still sold. Can you eat these oysters on the grill slash day? I want to be free. And this part is sort of what the actual national anthem is. And the home of the brave. Have you guys ever heard this show? No.

Good. Use that. Are we going to get canceled? Great. You guys brought us here to cancel us. Welcome to another edition of the HeadGum Podcast. With us as always is Caleb... Is it Heron or Heron?

Heron. I knew it. Caleb Heron. Heron. It's Heron. Heron. Caleb Heron and Shelby... Is it Wolstein?

Wolstein. Wolstein. Wolstein, actually. Here we go. Spread that. With us as always is Caleb Heron and Shayleb Wolstein. Shayleb. Amir, welcome to the show.

Have you ever heard it before? Yeah. Why don't you ask them how to pronounce their names before the episode started I'm wondering I'll edit that out I'll edit around it I'll keep it and then what was the opening the opening was the Soviet Union national anthem yeah not even Russian

yeah hey go ahead and let everyone know that you don't care about us keep that in make sure also that you don't edit out the part where you called us a bunch of curse words and bad names. Definitely cut that part out. Just plug your guys' shit up top. Get that out of the way. What do you have going on? Point to people too.

The floor is yours. Go. Are you ending the podcast right now? What is an ending if not a new beginning? No, no, no, Shelby. Don't antagonize Jeff. There's obviously something going on. We have a podcast called Keeping Records.

It's about NASA, the Voyager records that they sent into space. Caleb, stop crying, stop crying, stop crying. He has a fucking gun. He has a fucking gun. Something about Jeff's energy has Caleb crying. I've dealt with a lot of bullies. Bullies? And Jeff's bullying me.

Personally, messaging me on the side in the chat. Wow. No, look look in all seriousness we have a podcast we have a podcast we do it's called keeping records one an emmy i think we just got we did we got a daytime emmy and an evening mazel mazel the show is kind of on demand so it can kind of be nighttime or daytime yeah yeah it's whenever you want to listen to it and we so first they were just going to give us the evening one, the regular one. And we were like, guys, sometimes people listen to us in the morning. Is that okay?

And they were like, oh, my God, then you're eligible. Now, the afternoon, I mean, snubbed us all together. Right. And those fuckers will pay. Yeah. They were like, that's lunchtime. No one's listening at lunchtime. What might the consequences be?

What'd you say? You said those fuckers will pay. I'm wondering what the consequences might be, maybe at a short list. Oh, we can't talk about that. We can't talk about that, yeah. Our lawyers have said, you can mention that there's punishment, you can't say what it is. Yeah, because we still have plausible deniability at this point.

At this point, it's just, ha ha, funny in theory, and then if we actually, you know, make it come down to an actual action. Have you seen Murder Among the Mormons? Is that a show? I'll just leave it at that. And we should say that the Mormons do sort of dominate the afternoon Emmys. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a big part of the revenge and plan and everything. Yeah. Social media? Love it. Why do you ask? I'm wondering if I might have to just get at Jeffrey James on parlor just in case. Just in case. What if it doesn't become alt-right?

What if it pivots away? Doesn't become alt-right? It's already become alt-right. What do you think it is right now? Just slightly right of center? No, what if it becomes alt-right? Oh. TikTok was just music.

Like what if it becomes Vine? What's that? What if it becomes Vine vine that's actually interesting six seconds is all you need on parlor no that's that's what amir said all right fine whatever let's just move on uh amir do you have anything going on uh not too much i'm just sort of chilling um living life one day at a time one week at at a crime. So I commit like one little petty theft every seven days. And that kind of keeps my heart rate up, keeps me alive and well, and makes sure that like I feel like I'm part of the ecosystem, whether or not I'm just a cog in a gear on a wheel in a

machine, or if I'm sort of loosening some screws along the way, making chaos in little micro doses to keep me excited and entertained throughout this terrible, terrible. I don't know if you guys know this, but the pandemic is still raging. We're getting thousands of people. Hey, Amir, are you doing okay? Yeah, I'm doing fine. Something about this speech is making me sort of worried. I recently got on TikTok and Amir's page on there is really crime focused. It's a lot of you doing crime.

Basically what I'm doing is creating like a little paper trail for the detectives to try to find me because it's all leading up to like one huge thing. And then when they find my TikTok account, there's little clues. Like if you take the first letter in every caption that I've left, everyone individually seems innocuous. But when put together is actually spelling out some sort of cry for help. You've been helping the prosecutors a lot too

by hashtagging like misdemeanor, felony. Yeah, for you page slash manslaughter slash comedy video. It's been just a little small breadcrumbs like manslaughter. Zodiac killer style stuff. Yeah, you said petty crimes. Also, you said to keep your heart rate up which is not good because that means your body is if i'm not mistaken in a state of perpetual stress which is bad for your immune system right yeah well it's good to give that

little like oh yeah you feel that like it's nervous time for a second that's like what we're not getting on a day-to-day life because I'm not driving anywhere. I'm not doing anything. I feel like I'm, you know, sitting at home, not doing anything. My heart rate is just static and I feel like I need something to get me going a little bit. We should send you some like singing grams or whatever when people show up at your door and just start singing. Oh. But sort of in a threatening way. That would be fun for you and your heart. That's cool. So the guy has like a paper bag. Singing inherently is threatening during the pandemic right these people will without being well yeah it's attempted murder but in like kind of a slower less easy to track way masturbation let's talk about it amir everything you just described could be achieved through self-completion getting your heart rate up a

little bit a little bit of excitement okay right what's the just a. You're not doing it right. Nice. Jeff. Yeah. What is masturbation? Is this an industry term? What is this? Sounds like a sin. Yeah, well, it's sort of, it might be like a West Coast versus Gateway to the West issue. So you know, the country has not gotten it it yet it'll get over there in a couple years yeah yeah you have the carhartt beanie you have you know the back house guest unit the adu you've got la down and chicago but masturbation is basically um you know you don't have to say what it is no this is not necessary i don't think no no no no no i'm here it's something all right fine go for it it's exploration really it's it's it's finding new avenues oh wait i'm on a mirror side stop it see damn daniel back at it again with the

white who do you think is jerking off the most mid mid midwest east coast west coast i thought you were asking out of the four of us and i was like Caleb. Oh I know who's jerking off the most out of the four of us. Let's say it all in unison because I think we all think it's the same person. Yikes. 3, 2, 1. Shelby. Me. Jeffrey. Yeah. Let's just

and I'll bleep this out if you guys don't like the idea of saying it but let's for sure say it. Let's say last time you masturbated and rate it on a scale of 1 to 8. 1 to 8 you said? There's no way it was a 10 so it's still out of 10 but let's for sure say it let's say last time you masturbated and rate it on a scale of one to eight you said there's no way it was a 10 so it's still out of 10 but let's just cap it that's fascinating that's a weird choice 2016 uh november 8th and it was probably like a seven that was the night trump got elected was the last time you jerked off yeah why do you ask caleb said at least one good thing should happen tonight. I took a vow of celibacy until I feel like democracy is restored.

You guys should have heard him talking about it at the time because it's actually really interesting. He was like, you know, if people are going to be suffering, I should too. And so he was like, this is my last. He actually did it right before the election was officially called. He knew it was coming, but it wasn't official yet. They called Florida and he was like, give me 15 minutes. And then he said, until other people

can have a good time, I can't have a good time. And what about this? Most impulsive purchase you've made in the last calendar year? Definitely a car for me. I bought a 2019 Kia Soul.

I went to the dealership. I said, what do you got here that a young bachelor should be driving around the West Coast? They showed me a Soul and I said, I'm buying it today. I got Soul.

I got Soul. What was that? No, it was just sort of funny. I was sort of making a joke and you had like canned laughter. You cut Amir's like really good joke off. Amir, say it again. What was it?

Say it again, say it again. I got so... Wait, what's that? No, I didn't say anything that time. And I timed it perfectly. If you had finished the joke, it would have been good. Let's just last time, if we don't get it here, we'll move on. No, it's't say anything that time. And I timed it perfectly. If you had finished the joke, it would have been good. Let's just, last time, if we don't get it here, we'll move on.

No, it's not. Yeah. My heart is definitely not in, and I won't be able to like. Sorry. It's just like when you started talking, I thought you were going to go straight into the joke, and I thought that would be perfectly timed. You say the joke was. Do you have to press the button, and then there's two seconds of silence, and then the laughter?

Because you can hear what I'm saying, but you're still pressing the button. There's a delay. There's a delay. It's almost like you're committing. That one, my fingers slipped. Let's get it clean. Ferris will put in the laughter at the exact right time. Have him take the audio from when I did sing it

because I was singing it like my heart was in it. I feel like I was really into it like two times ago. And do that again for us? It was basically the song that goes, I got soul, I got soul. I can't imagine somebody feeling more regretful in this moment than Amir. I mean, here are three people you've chosen.

Where's the laughter? He told me to sing it and like we didn't even get the payoff. This one was a new one. This one was at the embarrassment that's on your face. It's just kind of funny. Amir could say no to any of the three of us being involved with him. And here he is with three idiots.

What a choice. I wouldn't have it any other way. Damn, Daniel. Shelby, what about you? Most impulsive purchase of the last count. Because for me, and we should have said this up top, and you guys might be the same way, this is my anniversary of quarantining.

Because this day last year was my last time recording at the old Headcumbe office. We went into a podcast record and then when I came, the world was normal. I came back out and Tom Hanks had COVID and the NBA was canceled. So that's when I went home and didn't leave for a year. You know what's interesting?

Everybody talking about their COVID anniversary. So many people that I know in LA have mentioned Tom Hanks being a part of their story and i'm like i haven't seen anyone from anywhere else being like as soon as tom got it i went into lockdown but in la it's like the thing it's funny to imagine because i don't think this is true and maybe it is i don't think it's true though that tom hanks is like the guy you see everywhere but it's funny to think everyone was like, well, Tom's got it. Probably everyone.

He's always out. He's always out. We're always around Tom. Once Tom gets it. He's a super spreader. He's always a saddle horse. Saddle ranch. Saddle ranch.

The TikTokers love saddle ranch. Can you guys let us know if that's actually a cool place to be? Or is it just for the kids? I've heard it's bad. But also, Caleb, you're on TikTok now. So you have to go. if that's actually a cool place to be? Or is it just for the kids? I've heard it's bad. But also, Caleb, you're on TikTok now. So you have to go. No, I don't think that'll be part of my journey. But you never know.

I said I'd never be on TikTok. So maybe I'll be making TikToks at Saddle Ranch. We're going to make our house into a content creator house. Yeah, you guys are welcome anytime. It's going to be the slightly less hype house. Ooh, a hype house. That's really cool. You said that you had a couple of meetings to maybe represent members of Sway House.

Is that true? Is that still, are you still on talks? I was, I tried to get in once they were having like this influencer event and I showed up and they thought I was catering. And it was like this weird moment when I'm like, I was like trying to give every, all those tweenagers like a bro hug. And I was eventually tased and asked to leave the event. I was like, do you know who I am?

Tased and asked to leave? I was was like do you know who i am and asked to leave i was asked to leave and i thought they were joking so i guess noah beck fucking tased me for one of his videos he's the one with the abs and like i always end up forcibly removed from the one yeah the sway house yeah he's the one with the abs and he yeah he did this kind of funny dance as i was kind of beaten within an inch of my life almost for being uh gray-haired in a cool place which i guess is frowned upon yeah but tiktok's been fun how did you even know about that party because i feel like you didn't get into tiktok until after the pandemic this must have been before you started yeah i was i follow them sort of through my finsta and i saw that a

lot of people like the nelk boys were posting um on to their story and i'm like i think i recognize that house so i drove by and uh i sort of tried to bum rush slash crash this i thought it was a fun open event i guess it was uh closed to the general council. You thought you were crashing and opening it? I thought it was a kickback and it was more like a rager. But you know when you're just like at home with your roommates and then someone runs into your house just kind of scary and is an adult? Yelling, where's the one with the abs? Yeah. Well, I was wearing a vest and I thought that would be fine.

I thought that would be like, this guy's cool, this guy's dope. Like a puffer vest or like a tux vest? So I was wearing a tux vest and then a puffer on top and then a deep V and a B. So your midsection was so warm but your arms were cool as a cucumber. I had warm chests

and cold legs with burps. Yeah. Did I mention I was tased? Yeah, that was the first thing you said. So many times did I mention I was tased? Yeah, that was the first thing you said. So many times. Yeah. I was tased. That's right.

I'm almost surprised. Where did they get you with it? Because I can't imagine it was on the torso. Yeah, it was my neck and my taint, basically. So they like got me. They treated me like a AA battery sort of from both sides. And they just let that. Did it feel good on your taint?

I can imagine it might. It didn't because i i passed out so i didn't feel anything when i woke up when i came to i just i i saw where the the burnt hair was and i sort of put two and two together and i saw what it was all for and it was for not if that makes sense i pass out every time i get horny so i know what you're talking about. You have no idea how many times I've had to go into Caleb's room, pick him up off the floor, give him a little sip of water. Saw a picture of a hot guy because I'm gay. And then pass out because I got horny. Sometimes I have to go into, I have to sort of take matters into my own hands,

go into Caleb's phone and unfollow Justin Bieber and then give him back his phone so that he doesn't get assaulted by it. I will say about Justin, Jay, for people who are close, he was hot when we were the same age and he was first coming up and then he was not hot for a while. He was doing like the

hammer pants and going to jail and stuff. And he's coming back to hot. Married Christian influencer life is bringing him back into hot baby really so what's like he's wearing more neutrals he's wearing he's got he's got nicer clothes now he's in love with his wife which is so it's just his fashion yeah so he's hot again that's dope that's impulsive purchase i'm so happy for him you're still asking about purchases everything everything that whole

tangent is going to be cut because I need to make sure that we get through this questioning each and every one sorry that was like eight minutes of jokes comedy everything is gone for to get an answer to the question we'll make it up we'll make it up we can do a pick up if we need to we'll do ADR

why I thought it was fine how it was we need to fill 45 yes exactly so don't cut 8 don't say we have to fill 45 and then cut 8 keep it all in this is

not how I wanted this to go I think it's been great have you bought anything has anything ever has anything ever gone the way you wanted it to go before? I mean rarely

like I can count on one finger it's just like hard because I have these big ideas these plans of how i like i picture it before it happens and then it doesn't go that way and i get angry do you think and i'm just shooting the shit here if it's so many times you think maybe it comes back to maybe it being your fault okay see now that's interesting i'm sorry i i hate to keep getting away from the uh purchase

question what did you envision for this that we're not hitting for you i just thought that we would all kind of be like getting closer like really getting to know each other i think we are i feel very close to you guys your voice hit that register that it hits when you're lying he goes british when he's lying i feel very close to you guys. He goes British when he's lying. I feel very close to you guys. I mean that really. You guys are my closest chavs. Chavs?

Chavs? Yeah. Chavs. How would you do it? That's another TikTok. Jeff, I feel very close to you. I feel very close to you, to Amir. Probably closer to you guys than to Shelby, and she's right across the table from me.

But in proximity or relation? Relation. Yeah, that feels good then. Then I'm happy. That's all I need. Amir. What? Your body language changed.

Not really. I took a seat. So did Shelby's, but it's because I said that I feel closer to you guys. We got in a big fight right before this. Yeah. Really? Yeah. About what?

I don't want to pry, but do you mind rehashing it? Shelby keeps leaving bowls of spaghetti around the house half eaten. Well, I don't like spaghetti, but we keep making it. Today I went around and looked, and this is the boiling point. I found two in my bathroom from her, one in her bathroom, three under her bed, and four in the living room. All half eaten bowls of spaghetti. Is this a bit? Yeah.

Why do you ask? Honestly, you had me till under the bed i i was ready to believe we left two bowls of spaghetti in your bathroom in my bathroom you were even there for that all right i don't know i mean uh shelby i also hate spaghetti this is so awkward because i feel like we were just connecting but i part of the bit was that I don't like spaghetti. Then it's part of the bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This isn't going well, Jeff's right. No, it's going well. This is so awkward. I feel so uncomfortable.

I feel so uncomfortable. They're covering their mics, but you can still get the audio. Oh. Well, then it was a bit. Oh, that's good. Thank God. Thank God. Okay.

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free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. Welcome to Caleb Heron or Blueback Heron. This is a game. It's called Caleb Heron or Blueback Heron. So basically what I'm going to do is I'm going to list facts slash fill in the blanks. And you guys tell me whether or not it's a fact about Caleb or an Atlantic herring of the blueback variety. So you knew how to say his last name because it was sort of integral to the game.

Here's the thing. I remember hearing him say it on your guys' podcast once and locking it in. But then when you guys were on Review Review, I thought that I saw a little glimmer in Caleb's eye when I said it that I was saying it wrong. And you were just too polite to correct me. No, if anything, it's a little glimmer that I was right. Really? Crazy, huge compliment to me that you thought I would be too polite to correct that. That I'm just a sweet little boy who wouldn't say anything. Do you correct

people when they pronounce your last name wrong? No, but it's not because I'm polite. I was going to say, I've never heard you correct it. It's not about politeness, it's that I'm not attached to it. Alright, this is for for cash so every right answer you get is 20 venmoed to you um amir we're gonna start you off at a handicap because you seem to just lose money every time we play this i should say that if you get any of them wrong you owe me that money here we go okay this fish mostly occupies waters off the east coast of the United States.

How do I answer? Do I buzz in? First one to say it, either Caleb Heron or Blueback Heron. Oh, this is a Caleb thing. No, I said this fish. That one was a gimme to just get us into the game. This is already going poorly. Have you seen his lips?

What's that? I'm constantly glugging also. Holy shit. No way. Put this video out. Shelby just gamed the system. That's $20 to Shelby. Nice.

Wow. Nice, nice, nice. All right, here we go. This bish mostly occupies Los Angeles, California. Is he kidding? So that's your real address, right? Yeah.

How do you know that? How does Jeff know that? Never. He did ask me. It would be so funny to do that to us. You can't do that. But honestly, I didn't,

I didn't know why, but I thought he might've been sending us something. Instead he's sending us death threats. Nice. I don't know why that's so funny to me. I was so shocked to hear that. I think it's because we have asked people on our pod a couple times where they live, like just neighborhood-wise, and people have been like, I'll chat you.

I'm like, the neighborhood? Yeah. People will message us like, close feelings. And we're like, I'll chat you. I'm like, the neighborhood? Yeah. People will message us, like, and we're like, I'm on the north side. Yeah, they'll be that vague, too. It won't even be like, it still won't even be like Highland Park. It'll be like, northwest. So it's crazy to just hear you

say our address. Northeast. Highland Park is northeast. You're getting your bearings straight. You're getting your herrings straight. Blueback or otherwise. That's awesome, dude. Can we hear the damn Daniel drop again? Damn Daniel, back at it again with the white van. So which is it?

Do we have an answer or is this a pass? A Caleb. Correct. Shelby's Cleaning House, $40. What color is that? Mode? The one on my sweatshirt? Yeah.

I don't know, actually. It's like a tan green. Blank is an incredible swimmer. You said, hmm, I'll go Caleb. Why not? That's correct. How would you know that? Based on what would you write that question?

I just feel like you would be a fast swimmer. I grew up in the Midwest. I'm a fast swimmer. You grew up in the Midwest. Fill in the blank. I'm a pretty good swimmer, actually. We went to the beach that day. Remember?

I was right. What the hell? Yeah, I do remember. Can we tell this? I don't think so. I don't think we can. There's a really... There's a story to that beach day?

I think if we don't say his name. Look, here's what happened. Okay, we were... So you're... To go to the beach in Chicago. think if we don't say his name. Look, here's what happened. Okay, we were, so you're in, to go to the beach in Chicago. The one we were at. Yeah, we had to go down a hill and then there's like,

sort of just like a, it's. A bog. Yeah, a bog between the hill, like, there's, the hill, sand,

water, sand, lake. So that little holding place of water. It was like from rain or something it had rained on the beach and there was like and it's gross it's probably the grossest part of the beach because the water's a little hot it's sticky it's not supposed to be there surely someone's like pete it and it doesn't go it just sits well our friend was like we were waiting through it

to get to them and our white friend on the other side yelled out to us. He was trying to find us. So he walks over to us and he starts singing. Wade in the Water. Wade in the Water. The like slave song. Out loud. Out loud.

And we said, we're going. Stop. But he couldn't. He wasn't close enough to understand. And he. He starts drinking hard. He had clearly forgotten how he knew that song. And had just thought of it as like an old song.

He took it on his face. And he's doing it like in an old timey voice. No. It's not a good look. And we're sitting there just going, stop singing. Quit, quit, quit. You gotta stop. And he thinks we're egging him on.

So he's going harder. No. And we get closer and we were like you have to stop that's not you shouldn't be doing that you can't sing that song and he was like i completely forgot and his name is john that's our friend yeah this was a story about the time i didn't want to name john at the beach in Chicago. That's really funny, though.

You should write that into something. We've considered it, and we probably will. All right. Blank makes people laugh a lot. The fish. That's absolutely correct. I look at the herring, and I crack up. I can't get enough of this shit, man.

Fish are funny. You ever seen Finding Nemo? Dory's hilarious What's next Jeff? Blank has in the past Been used as bait for the lobster industry Caleb That's correct Shelby has won $100 so far

Caleb this was a lucky guess I'm right That was one of my first jobs out of college what bait what was that fisherman's name Jonathan St. Lagrange

he was addicted to me and so are lobsters I don't understand it but they they snap right onto me

and your pain tolerance is just so good like it doesn't even really high high pain tolerance it's only been tested as of late but usually

yes oh my god pretty high pain tolerance you guys I only been tested as of late but usually he has oh my god pretty high pain tolerance you guys i went to the dentist last week and i really genuinely in my real life have a high tolerance for pain i i don't often cry because i'm in pain i cry because i'm emotionally unwell and the tooth they needed to work on they couldn't get it numb gave me 14 shots of numbing what and this like root of the tooth just wouldn't get numb and after 14 shots he was like my dentist was like hey man sometimes your nerves get like mixed up and we just can't get it numb we're gonna have to do the work anyway jesus they worked on my tooth without it being numb i cried in the chair was

all like the assistant was like holding me into the chair because I was involuntarily screaming out of it what hurt more that experience or this podcast right now Jeff this podcast keep in mind we've heard damn Daniel three times it was really close second to its stuff this podcast has been worse oh my god

it's awesome no but it really did hurt so fucking bad that's awful would you say that's the most pain you've ever been in in your entire life i one time um in high school i had to have a toenail removed like i hadn't i had an ingrown toenail from wearing wrong shoes in the wrong sport and they thought my toe was numb and started to rip the toenail off of my toe before I was numb. Jesus. Why do you have so many viscerally painful stories? I mean, that's literally a torture technique.

Pulling people's... Yeah, I was about to say. Yeah. That one was pretty bad. Right. We should say, though, that you played hockey in A6 running shoes. So, like, that one kind of was on you. Don't say that.

He gets so upset. No, Jeff is correct. I did play hockey in Asics running shoes. I didn't need skates because I was stronger than everybody. You did. Yeah, you did. Probably. You guys should have seen the way Caleb entered my room after he got back from the dentist.

He walked in the room. We had to record something for our podcast, Keeping Records. Keeping Records, yeah, on the HeadGum Network. What if that's all I said? I was just trying to plug it mid-podcast i just said he had to come in we had to record but he came in and he was like hey um this is his voice hey um you have to record um if you're ready and i was like are you okay and he was like, are you okay? And he was like, yeah. The end is like really didn't go. And he like was whole choking back tears.

He was like, if I actually tell you about it right now, I might cry. So let's just go record. And his face is kind of numb because he had gotten the thousand shots. Oh my God. Yeah. That was kind of a dark moment for the household. Right. 75% of the time, if I have a podcast scheduled, something comes up within the three hours beforehand. My tooth won't get numb.

My car won't leave the shop. It's like I have never in my life endeavored to do something and been so told by the universe that I'm not supposed to do it. I was told by Claire. I was told by our friend Claire that they say, and I don't know who they are, so don't ask. Nice. You only hear what I want to. What's that song? No, that's My Love, you know, Hamilton, Caleb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that song? I remember that. I wrote my way out. No, no, no. It's like, you say I'm... You say I only hear what I want to. Guys, it's like, you say I'm...

I can't. Oh, yeah. No, it isn't. But according to you, beautiful, incredible. I can't get me out of his mind. Yeah, whatever. Now Amir's turn. Amir, now. But. He can't get me out of his mind. Yeah, whatever. Now Amir's turn. Amir, now you go.

You say born in the USA. I was. Yes. Born in the USA. Born. We have to move on the game was not over that was Caleb Heron

or Blueback Heron alright here we go Amir knows what's coming this is Jeopardy oh whoa wow can you guys see this okay is Jeopardy! Oh, whoa. Wow. Can you guys see this okay?

Yeah. This is Jeopardy! Jeopardy! Games and appropriate attire, sauce, going stagameres of personal life. Game's an appropriate attire sauce Going stag, Amir's a personal life Those are our categories.

Here we go. This is Jeopardy. This is Jeopardy. This is for actual cash. All the numbers you say on this board, you could win. But if you get any of them wrong again, you owe me that amount. So here we go. Who would like to go first?

Let's do Amir, you're team one. Caleb, you're team two. Shelby, you're team two. Shelby, you're team three. I'm gonna go first. Alright, Caleb, you're up. Okay. Do I get to pick? Is that how it works? You should pick going stag. I will... Oh my

God. I'll pick going stag for 300. Oh, wow. Alright. The hostess doesn't seat you. Berate her. You have to ask a question. What is you berate her? The right answer was

what happens when you show up to a nice restaurant openly weeping and yelling about how you deserve a lot of money for being stood up. He wasn't wrong. You know what?

You weren't wrong. I'll give you $300. All right. Shelby? All right. He got it right. He controls the board. That's like one of the main rules of Jeopardy.

Caleb gets to pick again. Oh, sorry. Yeah, Caleb. Yeah, I was confused too. I was like, I thought Caleb for sure goes again. I'll take Amir's personal life for 200. Alright, here we go. Being left at the altar.

What is something that either has happened to Amir or will someday? That's absolutely correct. The correct answer was what is Amir's future? I don't think so. What's that? I want you to know, Amir, I don't either. what's that I want you to know Amir I don't either

I just know Jeff we knew what I gotta say I knew what the answer would be I didn't know if it was true or not Amir what's

I mean Avital slash any other future partner probably doesn't listen to the show what's like what proposal would you do

would it be beach would it be getaway would it be at a grocery store you said you had us for 40 minutes and we're almost there, and I just see there's still, what, 15 questions left.

So I think we should try to power through, maybe lightning round style. Caleb controls the board. Yeah, I'll take games for 300. Games for 300. A game that no one should be good at, but basically everyone is. What is I Spy? Wrong.

Hang on. Steel? What is bowling? Wrong. Shall we? what is I spy wrong that's uh hang on steal what is bowling wrong what is love baby don't hurt me that's pretty good the correct answer

is what is bocce ball that's lawn bowling I pretty much got it right true I think that should be awarded to Amir that's absolutely correct

and that's actually double points for catching that error Amir here we to Amir. That's absolutely correct. And that's actually double points for catching that error, Amir. Here we go. Amir controls the board. I'm having an awesome time. Let's go sauces for 100. Shelby, you just sit and watch, okay?

Yeah, I love to be a woman. And that's what it's about, by the way. Amir, are you sure you want to do sauces for 100? Sure. Who cares? Just fucking select it. An aioli for the road slash ages. This one's tough.

What is garlic aioli? That's incorrect. Steel? What is mayonnaise? Incorrect, but close. Stop the steel? Hashtag stop the steel? Steel.

What is Jeff's favorite kind of aioli? That's absolutely correct. I'll give it to him. That's $100 back to Team Heron. I want to pass my turn to Shelby. Shelby controls the board in the name of feminism. And don't let it be said that I've never done anything for women's rights. I want this pass the Shelby immediately.

Heard it here first. Okay, appropriate attire for 300. Wow, going in strong. Here we go. The new Jordans. Just to prove that you have cash to lose. What is how Jeff rolled up to the third grade? I don't even remember what the answer is to this.

Here we go. That was incorrect. Nobody saw that. Here we go that was incorrect nobody saw that here we go steal what is best shoes to wear holy shit this is unbelievable Caleb is clearing house hey is it worth mentioning that Amir just walked away from the podcast he does that almost every episode sometimes he comes back

dancing other times we just wanted to make sure make sure. Just wanted to make sure. Yeah. Hey. All right. Amir controls the board. Personal life of mine for 100.

All right. Here we go. Dollars. It's not true, but you'll say, what is my net worth, right? Close. Anybody else? How much, Jeff, would need to be paid to kiss you it would be less than that how much um i'll do it for a straight g that's pretty yeah it's a lot less for a thousand oh my god amir good for you wait who's paying who i pay you okay oh i want to steal yeah yeah what

is the amount of money that before you go before you go before you go i think you'll get this if you think about what you like to do in your free time what i like to do or what caleb likes to do either what is the amount of money that amir promised to pay jeff next year the correct answer is what is the zestimate of amir's house wow is that true that's pretty good that's actually true that's really good huge of true yeah that's awesome all right congratulations i need to sell shelby controls the board for some reason here we go um okay cool appropriate attire 100 wow here we go same category something one might wear to a close

friend's wedding the thing is is that you wrote these answers, so it's kind of complicated because... You're insane. Well, that's why this is, Jeffrey. Yeah, so I'm going to say one of those t-shirts with the tux on it. Steel. Caleb. What is white to show off the bride? I'm going to give that one to him. What is a nicer tux

than the groom is the correct answer, but I'll give that one to Caleb. Yeah, Caleb did kind of nail it. That was pretty spot on. Here we go. Caleb controls the board yes i'm gonna go amir's personal life for 300 this one's actually a bomb drop uh what who is amir's celebrity crush close but i can't give it to you yes it's for 300 so you got to get it exactly right. You probably have to bleep this one, the Zestimate one, and I forget what the second one was, but yeah, let's go ahead and just bleep them all. Do you want to steal, Amir?

Is that what you're saying? No, no. Daddy chill. Daddy chill. Shelby, do you want to steal? Caleb was so close. It's Amir's, they've kissed or touched butts or something. That's absolutely correct.

Who is Amir's ex-girlfriend? It's not true. It's not true. Is it close to true? All right. Shelby controls the board. Ooh, going stag for 100. This one's also about my personal life.

Oh, no, it's not. Something you say when you're fifth wheeling. Everyone having a good time? Holy shit. Wow. I'll give you that one. So the correct answer was, wow, you guys look happy, huh? That's awesome.

All right, Shelby controls the board once again. Okay, sauces, 200. All right, this one's tough. You sure you want to do sauces for 200? You already clicked on it, I guess. What are my options um an aioli with an aioli with a twist yeah mayonnaise what is truffle aioli so close amir would you like to steal uh what is um chipotle mayo that That's correct. Oh. That's one of the only ones that we've gotten verbatim.

All right, Amir controls the board. There's five left up on top. Yeah. Let's go games for 100. Yeah, yeah. All right, games for 100. All right. Jeff, you put in so much work to make this board.

What's that? I actually don't fucking appreciate the surprise shock tone, Wolstein. Right? I put my heart and blood, sweat, and tears and soul into this shit. Who's going to join you on that ride? Who were you expecting to jump on

and be like, yeah, let's give Jeff a break. Certainly not Amir. Not Shelby, because that's who you're fighting with. So you're counting on me damn Daniel alright games for 100 Shelby

what? Amir oh sorry Amir a schoolyard game that's played by everyone and is fun this could be so many things but I'll say

what is handball? steel what is tetherball? Caleb you might get this verbatim. What is smear the queer? That's almost exactly right. What is the entire second grade, including the faculty, holds Jeff down and forces him to get stung by a wasp?

Honestly, yeah, that's kind of the spirit of the game. That's smear the queer. All right. Caleb controls the board. Four panels left. I will take sauces for 300 Are you sure you want to do sauces for 300? That one's tough

An aioli That might as well be a bioli Now I think I know the answer No, don't pass What is Garlic aioli That's so close What is Wait, I'm Oh, that's so close. What is...

Wait. I'm not good. Yeah, yeah. Steel. No, Shelby. What is mayonnaise? That's correct. Mayonnaise without something else.

Yeah. Because that's a bad aioli. Yeah, yeah. Here we go. We should say that Caleb is at 1,100, Amir's at 800, and Shelby's at 700. It's anybody's game at this point. It's absolutely anybody's game. It's almost certainly not mine.

Well, you would need all of them, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Games for 200. Games for 200. Now, keep in mind, you can phone a Finn. So if you don't know the answer, I will call Finn Wolfhard right now. And would you ask him the question,

or you would just... What's that? What's that? A game involving hot oil and an unexpected trip to the er a game involving hot oil and an unexpected okay i don't know the answer so i'm gonna just um be stupid about it and say sex kinky wrong. You've heard of hot wax play. This is hot oil play. Is that the answer? Go ahead, Amir.

You steal. What is making hash browns for your mother on Valentine's Day? That one wasn't even close. I might have to dock you for that. What? I mean, what is... I mean, if no one's ever heard of the game, it's a bad question, Jeff. What is frying chicken?

That's almost exactly right. The correct answer was, what is see how long you can dunk your eyes in a deep fryer? I used to play this when I worked at Lemon Falls in Sugar Falls, Ohio. You worked at Lemon Falls? I did, yeah. That's awesome.

For a semester. They used to think I was chicken because I didn't want to run the register. But it was hard, you know, because they didn't have the iPad at that point. It was the old, you know, you had to know math. And I'm not a math inclined guy. I never have been, never will be.

Amir, sorry, don't yawn, right? I'm in the middle of fucking gold right here. Well, you're crying and it's awkward. So he's crying. Appropriate attire, 200. Appropriate attire for 200. Here we go. Something you'd wear on an airplane.

What is your mask before you help someone put on theirs i don't remember what the right answer is here everybody close your eyes no yeah i'm gonna go ahead and try and steal it so all right yeah yeah i know that that's wrong though all right shelby steal do you know what's right no so um um um steel socks wait that might be right Amir get your answer in first before I click it okay a sweatsuit I'll have to give Amir that one that's

the correct answer is what is all Ed Hardy everything so that's head to toe and that could be a sweatsuit Amir controls the board. One last thing on there. This is for the win. Not really. What's that?

It looks like team two is ahead by an insurmountable lead. All right. Then let's go triple or nothing, but you have to get it verbatim. Okay. This is going stag for 200. Something you'd yell at an innocent bartender. Who's team two? Am I in the lead or is that Caleb?

That's Caleb. Caleb's in the lead. Okay. So I have to fucking. Amir has 1,000. Caleb has 1,300 and Shelby has 700. Innocent bartender, you say, do you know who I am? Shelby, this is all or nothing.

So you could win if you get this right. That was incorrect, Amir. Something you'd yell at an innocent bartender, I need my check. You hovered over correct, and that's what's tough. Caleb, steal. This is a victory lap because you already won. I'm Jeffrey James.

Dreaming of a white Christmas. I'm Jeffrey James, and you can't kick me out. I decide when I leave. The correct answer is what is, you wouldn't sleep with me, would you? Like hypothetically. Right. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

It's good that you came at it from a negative. Yeah. Our winner with $1,300 being Venmo'd to him very soon, this is Jeopardy! Are you actually going to Venmo me $1,300? Yeah, what's your Venmo? It's Caleb Says Things. I like to keep stuff in uniform.

Oh, I got it. I'm not actually saying things on there, but I just like to keep it easy. Hey, Jeff, what are you reading? A book or text? No, I was just Venmo-ing Caleb. Do I get my $400 from before from the Caleb game? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on.

Thank you. It was actually $600. Good catch. The hell? You're just sending hundreds of dollars? Just give me one fucking second, Amir. Why am I actually receiving a Venmo right now? I hope he doesn't think I'm sending this back. How much is it for?

$1,300! He really Venmo'd me that. I'm not sending this back. Yeah, I just got $600. What? Damn, Daniel. Plugs. I'm not sending this back Yeah I just got $600 Damn Daniel Plugs I'm down $2000 Amir Yeah I don't know what to say man

You shouldn't have done that That was rent and then some That was rent and groceries for the month Hey for what I'm not getting paid for another 7 weeks Wait do we have time to get into like a tiny bit of drama yeah yeah i want to uh raise an issue with uh jeff and amir holy shit okay amir you uh wait one second shelby does amir ever text you uh he has never even once okay jeff you text shelby sometimes but you never

text me amir you never text either of us what is going on everyone explained i don't have your phone number and i didn't want to ask for it you guys feel like you couldn't have asked for it at this point i'm trying to get text i just thought it'd be uh sad okay amir what's your excuse you don't text us i gotta say it might be sadder that caleb's begging you to text him right now than if you would just ask first number in the first place all right let's hear it. What's your phone number? My phone number is... Uh-huh.

And you can text Shelby and I separately or together. Maybe a little bit of a mix. Yeah, when you're ready, I'll go ahead and give you mine. Sorry, what was it? You want me to say the whole phone number again?

I just called you. I had the area code. It went straight to voicemail. My phone number is... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

And then Jeffrey has mine, but Amir, when you're ready, I'll go ahead and give you mine. That's going to be... Love that. This is crazy. What? What is it? Cool, cool, cool, cool. Well, I just wanted to check in about that.

Yep, getting the call. That's great. Amir, now I'm paranoid, and I don't remember how it actually went. Can you do the singing thing that you did earlier? It was like the... I got soul, I got soul. I feel like that one was timed correctly

because people know what you're about to say, basically, and they can't help but laugh. Plugs, what do you guys have going on? I know you already did it up top, but remind people, point to people, maybe something else you have. So we have a podcast.

We just keep saying this throughout the pod. Caleb and I have a podcast called Keeping Records on HeadGum, the network. You have to listen to him. It really is fun. You guys get over there. Get over there. Get over there and check it out. I am being put on trial in the state of california soon for being too hot

and too popular it would mean the world if you guys could come um support me in the gallery well that would prove the point doesn't matter baby i want to go out what about this what about this the trial of the chicago 10 oh what is that my gosh i auditioned for a lead role in that movie and it didn't make sense. Who is your agent? Are you at CAA? Rachel Rush? Yeah.

Really? I'll say her phone number now. No, no more phone numbers. It's enough. Well, that explains it. I mean, because when Rush picks up the call, people rush to the phone. That's really good Well, that explains it. I mean, because when Rush picks up the call, people rush to the phone. That's really good. We have to cut

like... Amir's not going to air this episode. I can't. I don't... Technically, in between representation right now, we've been dropped. Yeah, I was going to say

every major agency in the uh country as it were um we're kind of persona non grata as it were with relation to other talent enemy number one in a way free agency can be so powerful yeah or you can end up having to go to the g league yeah i don't have that heat right now if that makes sense i'm like yeah jeff you put a lot of work into this podcast i don't think it's fair the reputation you have around la jeff you really do work hard around la i mean the reason i keep being so surprised by how much work you're doing is because we don't because you hear so much of the of the contrary it's just people are like oh you're you're with HeadGum.

Do you know Jeff? And we're like, yeah. And they're like, yikes. That guy doesn't do anything. Yeah, you're kind of no. Amir, what did you say? You're kind of no, in a way. You're N-O.

You're just like this. You're cold. You're kind of ice cold throughout Hollywood. So nobody wants to be around that negative energy. People also say, because I'm from Cleveland,

they're like, oh my God, no way. Do you know Jeffrey James? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, God, that would be, I don't even know why he lives here. He's anti. He's anti. We can joke all we want. 20 seconds ago, I begged Jeff to text me on the podcast for an audience.

So, you know, Jeff, you can't let this go to your heart. Because the truth is that I begged you guys to text me, but started with you. That's right. Well, what happens is that like your one comment will like make me feel good for like five seconds and then it goes in one ear out the other. And then the rest of them will stick with me for a calendar decade. I'm still thinking about things that happened to me in sixth grade. Okay. Sorry to hear that.

You were in sixth grade a decade ago? What age would you have been that? Way too young for it to have been six years ago, I think, buddy. No, a decade. Ten years. Sorry. Ten years. Sixth grade? Sixth grade is what, 11? Yeah, you're like 11. to been six years ago i think buddy no a decade 10 years sorry 10 years sixth grade is what 11 yeah you're like 11 it's 12 years ago how old are you i'm 23 yeah so but you're younger than 11 in sixth grade aren't you no because in eighth grade you're 13 because of

the year we slowly fade out from here sex fade out from here. Sacks! That was a Hidgum Original.