The Headgum Podcast - 43: The Audit Pt. 1 (w/ Zach Dunn!)

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

Two-time guest Zach Dunn (What We Do in the Shadows) joins Jake and Marika to begin an official audit of Geoff as the host of The Headgum Podcast, as Amir takes a sabbatical from the show.Follow Zach on Twitter!Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Yeah, Amir just typed out an iPhone note that says, Say my name, prick. Say my name, say my name, when no one is in Omsby. Say, baby, I'll eat rice, why are you not eating rice? And now it's on Instagram. I don't know what else to say, I'll eat rice. Why are you not eating rice? And now on Instagram. I don't know what else to say.

I really am. I swear to fucking God. Baby, why are you not eating rice? You got two voice cracks in there. There has to be a reason why you're not eating rice. Say my rice, say my rice. When no one is in Omsby, say we'll eat at Omsby, you'll be eating rice. Now let's hear the saxophone.

The fuck was that? Welcome to another edition of the HeadGum Podcast. With me as always, Jake Hurwitz, Marika Brownlee. Hi, Zach Dunn. Not always here. All right. Hey. Especially, Zach's not always here.

I don't want to derail it immediately, but I do think I'm now in the two-timers club of being on this podcast. You are. You came in hot, to be honest. I wasn't sure.

I'm not. That's true. That's true. See? It's a bomb. I don't believe anybody else has ever been on this show twice in terms of people who aren't. Sorry, folks. And when they get in the Two Timers Club, they have to come through me.

It'll be like SNL and I come out and I give them a little sport coat and send them on their merry way. So excited to be the first member of the Two Timers Club. And again, sorry to come in so hot. And then, yeah. But now everyone knows who's listening. So are you saying you're the Tom Hanks of the HeadGum Podcast? I mean, thank you for saying that. No, I didn't say that.

I'm the nicest guy in HeadGum Podcast. We're asking if you said it. Yeah. No, I don't know. I may be on the second to say it after Jeffrey, but I'm just repeating. Marika and Jake, maybe you guys can speak to this a little bit. We should announce that.

Amir is officially taking a sabbatical. We're not sure how long it's going to last, but yeah. Do you guys want to talk about the meeting that we had on Wednesday? He basically. I don't know when you say we should talk about it. I don't know if we actually are supposed to talk about it. It feels like maybe divulging too much private information. Ferris will cut it out if it's too, if it crosses any lines. I just feel like.

Why even take the risk? Why even take the risk of saying stuff that Ferris might have to cut out? Well, I just, at the very least, I kind of want to talk it out with you guys because we never got to debrief. Amir really kind of took out a lot of things that seemed to have to do with other things in his personal life he took it out on me uh on wednesday at our company-wide all hands meeting you felt like it was not entirely based on your behavior and it was mostly just other things in his life that he was frustrated he was so angry that it feels like i was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I mean, he was saying very hurtful things about how I run this show specifically,

ways that I sort of get under his skin and the other people that are just, as he said, too polite to blow up at me. Sounds like it was about you. Yeah, that's what I was wondering. Because like when you say like there was a lot of other things, like it's maybe this show,

which is one way that you annoy him. But then you also like sent him late night texts yeah kind of like bother the whole company and the company slack i did send him a four minute and 43 second voice note over text the other day and he didn't even respond he just posted it to his twitter and says what am i supposed to do with this yeah and sometimes you like mail him like really big sombreros or like 5xl i bought him a fucking upright bass. It was $19,000. I'm trying to figure out how to cancel it

and at least get 50% of my money back. What do you mean cancel it? Did it get delivered? No, it's shipped. It's shipped, and I don't know how to stop it until it gets in here. I feel like I shouldn't even talk to him here. I mean, do you want me to pull up the transcript?

I've been transcribing our company meetings. You definitely shouldn't be doing that. That's like privileged information. I'd love to hear it. I'm not a part of this company. I'd love, I'd love to hear it. Maybe Ferris can cut this part out if, if you just want to share it with Zach. Yeah. So basically he said, uh, we were, I regret hiring you. I hired you when you were 18 years old as an intern and somehow you never left. I don't know what i did to deserve to be around you each and every week let alone have to co-host a podcast with me which by the way he doesn't co-host that i'm i'm the host if anything marika's the co-host and then he went on to call me various not slurs but like uh mean names so he called me he called me a dork ass he called me a nerd with no friends he said that the only reason that my relationship ended last year was because of my personality which is like a big

reason like that's like you're right to say these aren't slurs just so you know i know i just they felt this cutting they felt cutting they're definitely personal insults so i can understand very personal nothing to do with the show it's yeah well it's i feel that's what i'm saying it's like i don't think there's no way it's just my hosting ability. Right, but it's also not other people. All right. It's all you still. You're right there.

I'll give you that. Thank you. So the idea is to take this time. The only thing that everybody did say, because Amir stormed out of the meeting, was that, hey, Jeff, maybe take it easy these next couple of weeks. And if Amir does decide to come back which it's not even a sure thing you know try to take it easy on him too so I don't exactly know what that means so that's why I feel like maybe

like a sabbatical time away from the podcast would include you know like not airing the dirty laundry on the podcast because it feels like this is in a way just like keeping Amir roped in I don't know I mean I mean we also have an audience that's been growing steadily over the past couple months. Like, I feel like we owe it to them at least to explain why Amir's gone for four or six weeks. Do we? We could just be like, Amir's, you know, sometimes he just is not here for two or three episodes in a row and we don't say anything. Zach, I want to get your outside perspective here. Yeah.

thing zach i want to get your outside perspective here yeah basically like um it was marika suggestion for people to audit me to give me constructive criticism ideally feedback criticism has a negative connotation um on how i can be better right i mean constructive i guess is doing the positive work there but yeah so you want constructive feedback yes yeah yeah but not criticism but not you want positive feedback is that what you want yeah because it's my fucking confidence has been shot after this meeting sure i could you know build me up you know would be great yeah to build me back up i think that's uh yeah i'm i'm happy to do that i do think i should be honest just because i think it's uh yeah i'm i'm happy to do that i i do think i should be honest just because i think it'd be a disservice to the people listening to the podcast if i was

just solely positive yeah you know unless unless you do such a good job today that i have no choice okay i get that that that's a good happy so that's a challenge that's what like i'm kind of a coach like i'm not just like an outside person you're in it i kind of feel like I'm a coach and I'm like throwing down the gauntlet. Like maybe you do a perfect podcast today and then it is all positive feedback. And maybe Amir hears that and he's like, oh, maybe I was wrong about this guy and all the relationship stuff and all that. And maybe he was wrong about all of it. That's, I will say, you look dejected even when he said he was going to be honest. It looked like you had lost a battle, Jeff.

I also feel like we should lay down some rules in terms of when feedback is given. Like, is this, should we plan? I was literally about to say this. Anytime throughout the show, anytime,

just say stop. Just yell stop. I'm not going to do that. I'll do it. So Marika asked if we could do rules and you said no, essentially. You're like, I was about to explain. There are like, I was about to explain there are no rules. I was about to explain it's chaos.

That's maybe the first thing that we should just like keep in the back of our minds as we're going through this. It's not going to be chaos like it normally is, Jake. It's going to go at a slightly slower pace so that you guys can feel free to chime in and give feedback, give notes, give positive reinforcement. And now I have a question. Do you want me to be participating? Like, let's say there's a podcast happening right now, which there is. But as like the quote unquote podcast starts,

do you want me to be participating in the podcast or do you want me to be hovering above the podcast waiting to yell stop and then give my opinion let's do the second one you're already participating the second one you want him you want him to act like he's not here we've you introduced him it's like a voice of god thing almost where he's like a commentator yeah sports commentator the quote unquote podcast i'm doing air quotes hasn't begun And when that begins, I'll be silent unless we get into a stop-sit situation. I think that's a great idea.

And that gives structure, Jake. That kind of, you almost made this happen. Is that fair to say? I did? No, I didn't do anything. Yeah, thank you, Jake. Is this going to work? According to Amir, it can't get any worse.

So this, I guess some questions to like lay the groundwork of things to be thinking about is how can i be better as a host and as a person have i even done anything wrong ever oh wow have i even done anything wrong ever you're looking for positive reinforcement and one of the questions we're supposed to positively reinforce you about is, have I done anything wrong ever? I don't know. I just like you guys were in the meeting. Nobody fucking defended me, by the way. Nobody came to my side and they didn't necessarily reinforce what Amir was yelling at me about.

But it just didn't feel good to be like me against everyone. Yeah. You know, sometimes when somebody is that mad, you just kind of have to let them air everything out. Like, especially if you agree with what they're saying well i that first part of the sentence was really good and i agreed with it the second part i'm gonna try and forget um all right and and zach again thanks so much for being here yeah and while i can still be participating in the podcast i am so happy to be here so great to see you guys this is great and you know it's gonna be a different thing once the quote-unquote podcast starts so uh you know yeah this is yeah of course and i don't mean

to take anything away from you you're being here because i do really appreciate it but i should say that it was almost a last resort option we got no's from trevor noah michelle obama samantha b anderson cooper and scott ockerman i thought i thought michelle just had a con like a schedule conflict that you kind of wouldn't accommodate. So that was kind of like... Yeah, that one could have happened. I just wanted to have a weekend. She wanted to do it tomorrow on Saturday

and I was like, ah, I could rather just take the day off. I'm not... I feel like you're trying to offend me, but I'm not offended by that. Those are all really famous, important people. To be the sixth choice after that is really nice so no i was i was not trying to offend you and i'm glad that you didn't i just there are people got it all right i will put that down as a positive check i know that the whole audit hasn't started yet

yeah that's like a because the quote unquote podcast hasn't pre quote unquote podcast positive so is the quote unquote podcast gonna start now because i mean we've been yeah i've been recording for like 10 minutes yeah let's start you know i have other shit to do today all right bye guys oh i mean i don't want to do it this can we stop? And Zach, feel free to chime in at any point in time. Stop. In the world of this podcast, I'm not here. You know? But okay.

I think I was just requesting the commentator to chime in whenever. Totally. But I just have to act as though I'm not there for the purposes of my audition. But yeah. You have to act like you're not even Zach. Because Marika just said Zach. And you were like. So I was, in a way, I was being.

Okay, but if I'm not in the quote unquote podcast and I'm sorry to derail, I know it hasn't even started, but if I'm not in the quote unquote podcast, who is Zach? It actually. You know what I'd say? No. Because you're supposed to be the auditor.

By the way, the podcast did, it has started. I'm an outside observer. I'm not here. I know I'm here right now because we're in the commentary zone. So how do we get to you in the commentary zone to make a comment? Man, really good question. Don't say, man.

No, you got me. That was good. I'm going to keep thinking about that for real. I guess the point of me wanting to stop was I feel like every week someone's like, hey, Jeff, these clips are too loud. Why are you playing the Soviet Union song? And every week it continues at the same volume and it's still there. And I guess I just wonder, like, why you're not taking that feedback from us. Can I respond?

Other rebuttals? Of course. You guys don't understand what it takes to put this thing on. I think that I have a soundboard. Don't antagonize and re-reply from the beginning. You got one negative feedback and you're already just firing back. It was so combative. And I said it so nicely

alright sorry I feel like I put a ton of work into this shit namely my own soundboard and I can't mix the levels once they're already on there you can mix them

and put them back on the soundboard. It's so loud that it, that, that one caused me physical pain in my ear. I was scared. And it makes for bad podcasting, right? Well, Paris ends up mixing it. Right. I was saying, cause it's mixed for the audience.

They don't experience it the same way we do. Okay. So it's hard to even connect and relate. Right. Relatability. I think that's a big thing that I'd like to see you work on today, Jeffrey, is relatability, is connecting with your listeners, right? Yeah, right.

And I think that could be a real good goal for you today. Because some things you say, it's kind of like, I don't know anyone who feels that way or would say something like that and i want that to change if possible today and i'm ready to proceed with the podcast whenever you guys are by the way all right and i'm gonna just say podcast proceed when we're going back okay cool okay podcast proceed jake marika uh we're all such close friends like people often have in their lives that people can kind of like see themselves in how have you guys been? how have we been? how have you been this week?

let's say I've been good yeah stop sorry it's just the energy man that's what I was going to say is that the energy is kind of zapped and I feel like all I've done is to try and lift you guys up i don't want to go here but it just feels like you guys need a fourth person in the mix or something i thought

that's what you were gonna be like a guest i didn't realize you were voice of god commentator i hope you guys aren't insinuating that it's my fault that this whole thing is kind of jumbled because i'm the one who kind of are setting this up to be better and better as we go on and we I feel like we barely even started the show yeah no I'll say that for for me just from where I am like when you said um we're all such good friends how have you been it felt like such a vague question with like a cryptic opening that I didn't know how to respond. And I think that's where it threw me off kilter a bit. And it's like insincerity. So I was just kind of stunned for a moment. Insincerity. That's an interesting word to use because that feels hurtful to me and negative

to me. I'm wondering if you actually meant that it was a good question. You just didn't get a chance to answer. No, it felt stilted and bad to hear it felt the way you asked it felt like you didn't actually care what any of us were up to because you weren't asking like yeah you know after uh you know a specific thing that you wouldn't i think we should move on yeah okay podcast proceed my week has been fine. I got an MRI yesterday. That was crazy. Oh my God. I got an MRI yesterday.

Really? Yes. For your back? Yes, I did. Well, it was for my hips, but yeah. I mean, we were in the same exact position in the MRI thing. I love that. That's crazy.

Did you get it at NYU? No, I went to a place that's by me. Very cool. Stop. did you get it at nyu no i i went to a place that's by me very cool stop yeah it feels like the mri stuff is like cooking and is great and then i don't know what jeffrey's even bringing to this at this point not like to the specific podcast we're talking about you know what i think that you're exactly right zach what do you want to tag in and you can kind of talk about your experience with like medical imaging sure and then i'll be the audit what yeah it's a tagging i don't know podcast proceed no what fucking way jeff's auditing himself you know i have a lot of experiences with medical imaging as well you know i've gotten x-rays you know how they put that heavy thing on you the lead thing

so you don't get hit with the x-rays i mean sometimes i wish i had that as a flight are you only talking about like x-rays in your mouth that's like well x-rays in your mouth okay podcast podcast stop can podcast stop for a second because i feel like zach came on to do the audit switched with jeff and then was like doing five minutes of standup just now with the, like, it almost feels like you guys orchestrated this beforehand. I actually had a note that was a little bit more tangible and useful. I would say,

is that, yeah, please. You might want to hit him with like a, what's that? Something like that. When somebody is in the middle of saying something, that's what I would do.

Right. I'm sorry. How is this teaching you? Cause sometimes it's like, you can't, you want, you know that you truly know something when you can educate someone else on. Right. I'm sorry. How is this teaching you? Because sometimes it's like you can't, you know that you truly know something when you can educate someone else on it. Yeah, you're right. Okay, so when would I say the what's that?

Jake. This shouldn't be happening. Right there. What's that? Like right there. No. Okay. When somebody asks you a question that you don't want to have to be responsible for,

you sort of talk over them and yell what's that? And normally it's like a good question that could actually extend the conversation. So just keep that in mind as well. I mean, it's phenomenal that Marika and I both got a pretty rare medical exam yesterday. We both had an MRI. It's crazy. Did you guys hear me? We don't even know what Marika got her.

Did you get one done on your back? Yeah. Are you guys hearing me we don't even know what marika got her did you get one done on your back yeah are you guys low back yeah wild lumbar spine i think i'm stuck in the commentary zone and they can't actually hear me in the quote-unquote podcast we're trying to power through oh okay what time did you have your mri it was very early my appointment was at 7 30 a.m wow yeah mine was i was really hoping we were twins at the time. I hate waking up early. And, you know, I'm like everybody else. I'm relatable and I sincerely hate when the alarm clock goes off, you know? Yeah.

And what else do you hate about the morning it feels almost like you're an alien that studied human behavior it's hard you know right now just a brief stop it's hard because i feel like i have to fill the jeffrey role which is not something i'd ever wish on anybody yeah i almost was gonna say i felt like you were doing yeah yeah and i don't want to i don't think you have to you're in in the chair. Well, maybe we're getting close to a kind of like, you know, a breakthrough. It sounds like what Zach's experiencing right now is that he doesn't want to host the podcast. Yeah. He's bursting out at us.

He's snapping. And maybe, Jeff, that's something that you also feel. Like you don't want to host the show. And you feel like we're making you host the show. No, it's really, I mean, because it's my bread and butter. You know, it's my land of lakes and my wonder bread. I truly don't know what my life would be without this. I've based so much of my identity on it.

And I actually fear the day that Amir comes back from his sabbatical and says actually i figured out the solution we gotta end the show because you end the show you end me whoa so this has stakes this whole like series thing has real big and not only does that have six we only have four weeks so there's a timer on this thing and we're already one eighth of the way through it because we're halfway through this episode. I have a question for you, Jeff. Has watching me have to be you taught you anything about you? Reinforce the fact that I've been doing a good job because you fit in seamlessly. And to me, I loved it.

I loved what I saw. So you were looking at a mirror and you were smiling at the mirror. Yeah, in a way. It's like, yeah. Maybe we'll do another tag team swap out if you want to be back and being you or anyone else wants to try being by the way i thought we were kind of all auditor when you gave us the everyone the power to yell stop yeah to discuss and i was honestly the first person to yell stop i mean you guys are like the auditor's apprentice

well i'm you know i'm fine with that role that seems i'm comfortable uh with auditor good role yeah auditor apprentice auditor is the head you know sure but anyway does anyone want to swap and be the auditor and then and then someone else can swap in and be jeff and then i'll tell you what i'll be the auditor okay great but i do think that jeff should be jeff okay because otherwise what the fuck are we auditing? Totally. Okay. Totally. So I think maybe the only role that can switch is auditor. I've never seen Jake this angry, and I'm starting to get

flashbacks to Wednesday's meeting, but the issue is this whole thing happened because of Amir. Otherwise, it'd be a normal episode, and it would be just ripping the bandaid off slowly for 45 minutes. You guys would get through it. The audience loves it. Alright, let's just podcast proceed, right? And then we have to go into our next segment. So, Jake,

audit this. Okay. Welcome to Merit or Carrot. I'll have to actually have to be right back because I forgot a prop. Oh my god. What? I'm not doing this. There's no stop here.

This is all happening in the podcast. He's left the closet. This is so funny because he just actually forgot the prop. He really forgot it. Art imitates life. It really does. I mean, I couldn't quite hear what he's saying.

No, but I heard carrot. Yeah. Oh, I heard carrot. He's either going to come back with a carrot or a blonde wig so we're gonna have to wait and see i mean i think this is thrilling i think i'm discovering maybe i know i'm not the auditor right now i'm more of an auditor's apprentice right now but i think that maybe the show's missing a little mystery you know podcast he's been gone so long he's driving he's driving to a store it's the wig it's not it's not the wig it's his real hair opening tupperware so it's carrots welcome to merit or carrot ran paul edition um no this week and again, I should mention that these two segments that we have planned for today,

I wrote before Wednesday's meeting. So these are just normal things. Well, that actually makes this great for auditing the podcast. Yeah. Because this isn't like, yeah, it's not a reaction to, you know, the Amir's attack. It's the real thing. So, okay, yesterday, actually, March 18th, Rand Paul challenged Dr. Anthony Fauci on a couple of key points. And frankly, some of them had merit, maybe.

So I'm going to play a couple of clips of Rand Paul challenging Dr. Flip-Flop. And you guys tell me whether or not that question slash challenge has merit. And I'm so confident that it it does that if you guys deem it doesn't i'll eat a fucking carrot and what do you think fauci's flip-flopping on he said it was going to be two weeks it says two weeks quarantine to flatten the curve right the curve didn't flatten the curve got worse but he's not like changing his mind about things like it's not like he was like kovid's good really oh wait it's bad i don't think about things like it's not like he was like covid's good really oh wait it's bad i don't it's like you know we're we're learning new things about it every day and

right we have to adapt to what we learned totally like all that aside the stakes for this are if if you're wrong or we disagree you'll have you'll eat a baby carrot it's a carrot stick a little bit bigger than a baby carrot but yeah i mean if it had been a full-sized carrot i'd be interested and i think that was the plan we only had one carrot so i had to chop it is that what you were doing so if you're wrong if we think you're wrong you get to eat a snack on mike get which is like bad for podcasting people don't given that no scientific studies have shown significant numbers of reinfections of patients previously infected or previously vaccinated what specific studies do you cite to argue that the public should be wearing masks well into 2022 i think that's a

question worth asking yeah let's stop here do we want to talk about just sort of like the notion of you know putting out these hot button issues and taking a devil's advocate stance and it's very political in a way that's like it doesn't feel productive you know it just feels kind of like you're trying to get a rise out of people have you guys seen the The Daily Show? Have you guys seen The Daily Show with Jon Stewart? You mentioned Trevor Noah earlier. He was your first choice. Jon Stewart went on Tucker Carlson's old CNN show, forgetting the title of it,

and he was like, you guys need to actually talk about this stuff. And they were like, well, you don't talk about it. And he's like, I do a comedy show. So it's not my job to like talk about hot button issues in an educated way that actually is productive as he said zach that's my that's what you're talking what's that you're talking about them in a not productive way that is kind of almost

reductive maybe we agree that it's not your job we just don't think the productivity is the you just don't need to talk about any of i'm trying to be open to like the feedback i just i asked for positive reinforcement you did ask for that which you know kind of cuts us off at the knees for the audit process a little bit and can i be honest about something quickly i'm itching to get back in that auditor's seat okay yeah i feel like i was at home there and it's fine being auditor's apprentice it's whatever but it's like i want to get back in i will happily give it back to you i just want to remind everyone that i didn't want the the auditor seat was given to me when zach asked if i wanted to be the auditor so i'm hey

man i'm not getting on it today am i uh it's you're not it's not you you are the auditor all right all right podcast proceed merit or or carrot? Carrot. Really? Yeah. All he asked. It's an inane question. Okay. Do we have to watch you have the whole carrot? It should have been baby carrots.

It's kind of hard to chew. Okay, stop. I think this is a very specific note. I think you could probably talk, Jeffrey, while you eat the carrot. I don't think you don't have to just sit there and chew and be like you're punishing us and the listeners. Yeah. It's not me. It's Amir. We wouldn't be sitting here doing this if it wasn't for Amir.

Okay, look. I'm hearing a lot of excuses right now. Okay, and I want you to be embracing solutions. Okay, so I want to go back down there into the podcast, quote unquote, and you talk next time you eat that carrot. All right, I can do that. Podcast proceed. These are supposed to be good for your eyes.

Do you guys have 2020? I'm wearing glasses, so no. I got LASIK, so yes. All right, second one. Here we go. If we're not spreading the infection isn't it just theater no it's not a vaccine and you're wearing two masks isn't that theater no that's not here we go again with the theater i think it's really really stupid how rand paul says

theater instead of theater he says vaccine and you're wearing two masks isn't that theater Instead of theater. He says theater. You're not vaccinating. You're wearing two masks. Isn't that theater? That's theater with an ER, not an RE. And there's no such thing as theater.

There's just theater. Marika, you're a Broadway nut. What's the correct way? RE, ER? Theater with an ER is the building. So like I'm going to a movie theater. RE is like the art of theater. holy shit stop i can think of four i can think of four people who would disagree with you marika matt besser matt walsh, Amy Poehler, and the fourth guy. Because they spell it UCB Theater R-E, the place.

Yeah, they're wrong. And I'm just saying they disagree with you. I know this isn't an audit thing, but I had to say something, and I'm not in the podcast, so I had to. And guess what's not a place anymore? Either of those UCB theaters. Maybe they did that to themselves. Podcast proceed. We now have variants that to themselves. Podcast proceed.

We now have variants that are circulating. Significant reinfection. What study shows significant reinfection, hospitalization, and death after either natural infection or the vaccine? It doesn't exist. Merit or carrot?

Eat a carrot. Skip the rest of fucking Rand Paul and eat the bag of carrots. All right. Let's just hear what Fauci has to say. One seven that's becoming more dominant. Policy based on conjecture. No, you have the conjecture.

It isn't based on conjecture. So you some you want people to wear a mask for another couple of years. No, you've been vaccinated and you parade around in two masks for show. You can't get it. There's virtually zero percent chance show you can't get it there's almost there's virtually zero percent chance you're gonna get it and yet you're telling people with them that have had the vaccine who have immunity you're defying everything we know about immunity by telling people to wear a mask to have been vaccinated instead you should be saying there is no science to say we're going

to have this is too long this is too long is this C-SPAN? Like, what's happening? It's Fox News. It's putting us in a fucking bad mood listening to that guy. What am I supposed to do? I'm chewing a fucking carrot. I can't. I can talk, but they don't want to hear any food in my mouth. I'm sad still. It's insane that you haven't finished that carrot yet.

You invited an auditor onto the podcast to listen to the worst segment you've ever done. Yeah, I would say I liked you and the podcast more before you invited me on. You know, you've only made things worse for yourself. Okay. I don't know what to say, man. He was so excited about being in the two-timers club. Now, Zach, are you even going to come back a third time? He was on your side.

I'm not even sure. And I'm not even sure how often I'm going to wear my commemorative sport coat. Yeah. So you did get a sport coat. I know, but I don't know if I'm going to wear it, what, once a week now? Because it's like, I'm not that proud of it. Like, I don't want to be associated with this. So often to even wear a sport coat, let alone a commemorative colorful one.

What does it look like? Yeah, I'm glad this happened because it sounds like you're going to wear the sport coat an appropriate amount now. It's like matte gray. Matte gray, so not colorful. It's just,

it's a blazer. They're all matte. What do you mean matte? It says, it's like a men's warehouse blazer. It says Two Divers Club. That's the difference. On the inside of the lapel,

it says Two Divers Club. On the inside? It's a normal blazer. Again, believe me, now I'm glad it's on the outside because I'm not that proud to be affiliated with this show. Because not only is it not working and there's these segments that I just think aren't great, but Jeffrey's not open to feedback. I'm open to, I'm trying.

It's just like hard because I'm still emotionally damaged from Wednesday's meeting. I haven't fully gotten over it. And that's fair. And that's fair. You guys were there. You know what he called me? He said I looked like Johnny Bravo

who fell asleep in a tanning bed. Alright, that one's a little racist. That one was a little bit racist. I don't even think he meant it that way. He just meant that I was dumb enough to fall asleep in a tanning bed. We have another segment to do. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, if you had an extra hour in your day,

a lot of people would spend that very differently than the one sitting next to them. Maybe person A would go for a run, person B would take a nap, and patient zero would read a book. The point is, a lot of us spend our time and our lives wishing we had more hours in the day. And the question is, what is that time for? And if time was unlimited, how would you use it? The best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you and make it a priority thus. know what's important to you and make it a priority. Thus therapy can help you find what matters to you so you can do more of it. I'm in therapy every week and I benefit from it personally as I pursue to better myself and be a better version of myself today than I was yesterday.

a better version of myself today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, you said tomorrow, so just therapy. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash what's that today to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash what's that. Thanks, BetterHelp. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1, just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every

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to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we've partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. Stop, stop. Stop. Can you hear me? I was like, stop. No, that one's fine.

That one can stay as is. No notes. Fine, no notes. But what's your note going to be, though? I think it is a little too long. I like the leg. I was enjoying it, and then suddenly it shifted where I was like, this is just a little bit too long. But I also respect all my apprentices out there, and I'm going to agree that I think no notes and podcast proceeds.

I know why carrots are healthy for you. It's because you have to chew it so long your jaw gets strong. So now you're just eating carrots for fun? Bugs Bunny style? Have you guys ever played the game jesse or nah no jeffrey well this is jesse or paul mccartney edition oh what jesse paul or paul mccartney what's jesse or nah that's a good place to start jesse or nah is where a sentence is said and you say whether it can be attributed to Jesse McCartney or Nah. Okay.

This one is... Who's Jesse McCartney? Who? Beautiful soul. Beautiful soul. Yeah. Jesus Christ, man. Weird octave.

This is Jesse or Paul. So a sentence will be said and you guys attribute it to either Jesse or Paul McCartney. This is for cash. This is $20 for every right answer, $20 owed to me for every wrong answer. Are you guys ready? Yeah. Zach, why don't you play along, but you're also the auditor.

Do you think you can do both? All right. And hey, guys. Oh, so good to be here on the podcast. Yep, I'm going to play this game. Hey, Zach. We should introduce Zach Dunn, writer for What We Do in the Shadows, Bless the Hearts. This is theater. Oh, guys. Oh, so good to be here on the podcast. Yep, I'm going to play this game. Hey, Zach. We should introduce Zach Dunn, writer for What We Do in the Shadows, Bless the Hearts.

This is theater. Oh, man. No, I love Twitter. I love all those things you mentioned. And I'm really, really happy to be here with you guys and to see you guys. You're all looking really good. All right, here we go. First quote. All I watch is the Food Network. I took a cheesemaking class a few weeks ago, and I told my family and friends to only get me kitchen stuff on my birthday.

I'd love to own a restaurant if I could find the right chef. Jesse or Paul? Paul. Jesse. Marika is absolutely correct. Marika is absolutely correct. That's $20 to the woman in the orange beanie. Wait, so you invited me on this thing for two seconds. Stop. Sorry. You invited me on this

for two seconds so I could owe you $20? Yeah, actually, feel free to go back to auditing unless you might get the next one wrong. No, no, I want to play. I'm in a hole. I need to make this money back. All right, podcast proceed. The first record I ever listened to was Elvis Presley.

And I remember thinking, man, this guy is cool. The swagger he had helped my confidence because he really made me think that a white boy could make music like this. Jesse. Paul. Jake, that's exactly right. Marika's still up 20 zach you're down 40

jake you're you're breaking even great this is such bullshit it's time to end the cruel slaughter of whales and leave these magnificent creatures alone zach you want to take it paul paul third time that's correct that's paul that's beatles legend paul mccartney zach you're only down 20 now here we go my mother was not the cook in the family my dad was i'd watch him behind the grill and i said if i ever make enough money i'm going to make sure that i dine in the best restaurants i guess jesse every kind of shallow shitty thing is jess this isn't from interviews this is from uh bestquotes.com jesse mccartney has never said anything good to the point that on bestquotes.com it says i'd love to own a restaurant if i could find the right chef stop podcast stop i i feel

like i have to give you guys some notes here. I sometimes mine the internet for gold. In fact, it's more often than not, my segments are pretty fucking good. And then you guys come in with these sour attitudes and maybe it's the cash thing. So I guess my question is to you, like, should it not be for money? all I did was try to have a silly take about Jesse McCartney. You know, that was not on. I wasn't saying this segment was bad. Yeah, why are you so upset about that? I was just saying that's crazy that Jesse McCartney doesn't have good quotes on whatever the bestquotes.com thing is. We weren't mad at you in this particular instance my ex-girlfriend used to have a photo of jesse on her childhood bedroom wall and so when i went to go like meet the parents there was like beautiful soul there and i just was like jealous because i don't look like jesse i don't have that musical talent i'm not i don't have that cash that fame that clout yeah i mean i mean he was like really famous maybe 15 years ago so i think you're fine beat me to it by 50 and jeffrey do you feel like

a mere bringing up your relationship like is sort of what got you thinking about that and down that path it's hard yeah it's like did it end because i'm like a bad podcast host is kind of what he was insinuating and then i'm wondering sorry let's podcast proceed i think i just feel like this is you know we're trending into like 10 therapy for you and i feel like i appreciate what you need you guys are my best friends wow this is in the podcast he's saying that ferris cut that out i want to do a brief self-audit stop self-audit because last time i said paul after jeffrey had already started playing the right music for Jake. So I knew it wasn't him and I just chose to lose $20. That's a big self audit. I'm really going to work on just being smarter and more aware of things.

And sorry. Yeah. Podcast proceed. That's inspirational to me that you can even catch yourself there. Cause there've been a few times during this show that I could have self audited and I chose not to. Right. Well, stop. That's why I'm the best podcast proceed um well and actually stop

and you choosing to not self-audit is actually a good reason why you're not all you know the host that you can be yeah and i'm open to that podcast proceed i'm always writing songs and i've got a bunch that i want to record the crazy is they either could have said this. It's Jesse. I hope it's Jesse because I want it to be Jesse. What does Paul McCartney mean that he has a bunch of songs that he wants? He can record a song anytime he wants to. But here's the thing, we don't know when he said that.

He could have said it when he was like 15. time he wants to. But here's the thing, we don't know when he said that. He could have said it when he was like 15. Jake, you're back to breaking even. Zach, I'm so sorry. You're down 60. Ricky, you're up 40. Here we go. Well, how much, what's Zach's auditor fee?

Because it's... His auditor fee is... We didn't negotiate, but what would you like it to be? Like, we'll keep talking about it after the game. No, let's do it. Stop. Podcast stop. What's your fee?

I mean, just sorry to do this, but if we're in the commentary zone, I think talking about money and stuff on the podcast was a little gauche that you did that. That's a note I keep getting. Because last week, on the episode that came out today, I aired the Zestimate of Amir's house. And then when finn wolfhard came on i asked him how much money he made in 2020 and people don't seem to like these money questions but i've read a ton of articles it's like hey you need to talk about your salary so that you can make sure that everybody's getting paid equitably right but privately yeah those articles aren't talking about podcasts necessarily

okay and then to answer your question i I would like $80 as my fee. Okay. You still might end up in the hole just so you know because there are three more questions. I know that. I'm trying to play smart. And are you sure $80? Because last week I Venmoed Caleb Heron $1,300. Oh my God.

I mean, I think last time I was on the show, you Venmoed me hundreds of dollars. Yeah. So I'm still riding high off that. I invested it really, really well. Game stops, right? No, no, and all the other ones that tanked. It was like a smart

move at the time. So, I'm good. We're getting back $80, lock it in, and podcast proceeds. Microphones are just like people. If you shout at them they get scared Paul McCartney that's absolutely correct it was so yeah it was really quaint Marieke is wearing winning $60

Jake you're breaking even Zach you're down 60 no I got it you said Paul I said Paul yeah all right audio detectives out there you can go back you'll hear it I said Paul Ferris ifives out there, you can go back, you'll hear it. I said Paul. Ferris, if Zach didn't say Paul, just you insert yourself saying, I'm Ferris

Munchie and I'm going on record saying, Zach B. Dunn is a liar. But if he did, just isolate his audio and play it right now. Maybe even put a little jingle underneath it if you have time, Ferris. He's so busy. you have time ferris um ferris he's so busy paul mccartney that's absolutely correct it was so yeah it was really quaint paul mccartney that's absolutely correct all right all right oh oh oh i used to have six left feet now i only have one and a half left feet

gotta be paul that was jesse oh yeah 6th it was over the top it was too over the top it wasn't British at all why is Jesse saying all this stuff you should just like stop saying this weird shit well it's kind of like how Kings of Leon released their new

LP as an NFT and it's like I know why they did that. Because imagine Kings of Leon just drop an album on streaming services. That doesn't make any headlines. Stop. Yep. Just stop talking about this, and then when we get back to the podcast, just move on to the

in the game or whatever. Alright, here we go. Podcast proceed. But you know, as a kid, I would have thought of a vegetarian as a wimp. Paul. That's correct. I didn't get back to break even. The switch.

I still like it. We're not there yet where it's a little too long. It's not a little too long, but I'm still like it. We're not there yet where it's a little too long. It's not a little too long, but I'm still liking it. Yeah, point out the exact moment. The problem is that this is the best part of it, but you gotta wait a little bit to get there. Okay, a little too long. Yep, sorry. So close.

So you're saying it's literally like the last four seconds. It's like four seconds. And that's what I mean. And stop. The whole spirit of today is that you're close. Yeah. You're not a bad podcaster. You got something.

But it's just these little mess ups you're doing. Yeah. You're just screwing it up. So I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm giving you that positive feedback you want. You're really close. I appreciate that. Can I ask a follow up?

Yeah. Where do the missteps originate? Is it from me? Is it do I put my foot in my mouth or is it other people kind of like setting me up to fail? Look, it's clear that you think it's the latter, right? And that's what I'm saying. I think you need to be looking in the mirror. OK, and we talked a lot of hours today and i think not smiling

i think that's what it's about and i think you're a little too focused on a mirror and not focused enough on a mirror nice that's really good that was really good that's that's it podcast proceed it's helpful for me with those podcasts it's actually really helpful for me to have those little sayings to have those rhymes because then it's easier to remember podcast proceed plugs um zach i feel like we already did my plugs what's that we already did my plugs i think earlier you can do them again you can do it again no no come on no stop guys i don't want to you can go back if they want to hear that you can go back it's like the middle of the

episode you're asking them it's like such a it's already a task to get someone to follow you on social media or like watch the shows that you work on you're asking them to go back I'm not gonna tell them to follow at Zach B. Dunn on Twitter you know I already said it nice what else are you not gonna do

what we do in the shadows okay I'm not sorry you know I already said it what else are you not going to do tell them to watch What We Do In The Shadows okay I'm not sorry and you're not going to tell them to watch Bless The Hearts on Fox well that's very humble of you Jake we just

launched a new HeadGum podcast or brought an existing podcast onto HeadGum called Three Black Halflings and it's one of my new favorite shows so subscribe check it out launched a new head gum podcast or brought an existing podcast onto head gum called three black halflings and it's one of my new favorite shows so subscribe check it out and fake the nation is now on head gum wow check that out also lots of good podcasts lots of things happening rick do you want to plug your um sub stack i don't have a substack. That was someone else then. Never mind. Varys got that out. No, Varys keep it in.

You can follow me on Twitter or Instagram at Marika Elon or Letterboxd. That's where to look if Marika starts a substack because I bet you'll announce it on Twitter. You could start one by the time the episode comes out. I won't. I can't put that writing weight on my shoulders. It's too much work.

In seven days, yeah. But my Twitter kind of functions as a sub stack in a way. But it's mostly Marvel memes at the moment, so I don't know. And you can follow me on Twitter at JeffBoyRD, on Instagram at JeffreyJames. I guess we should just kind of wrap things up here. How do you guys think this went? I feel more confident than ever. This is a big,

this is like the last stop. I'd say the podcast is over. The quote unquote pocket is over. We're in the stop. We're in the commentaries. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

let's end the podcast first. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of the head gun podcast. We'll see you again next week for another audit episode. All right. And then stop. This is kind of like the last stop. Cool. All I was going to say is if you wanted to have an audit, we also could have like sent

Zach an episode of the podcast and he could have given you the feedback. While I liked having Zach on for me, that was fun. Yeah. I feel like I had a great time with you guys with almost all of you guys. It's so much fun. Yeah. Almost. It was great.

It was really fun. I think functionally for you, jeff to become a better host yeah it would have been the gymnastics that you have to do to kind of like make this an effective audit well it's like you know it was a pit stop you know we were in the middle of the fucking indie 500 i had an episode planned for friday we lost amir i had to fill in with a guest. Trevor Noah said no. Sam Bee said no. Michelle Obama said yes. And I didn't really want to move things around because it was so last minute. We got Zach.

And yeah, I'm sorry that we were like trying to put things together on the fly. But I feel like we got a good product still. And at the end of the day, yes, it's an audit. But we also need to put out a good product. Right. Because I think listeners are, I mean, I'm sure the way they'll listen to it is they'll cut out all the parts that are the podcast yeah that is one thing yeah you know right it's kind of like a bonus

episode yeah you're right it's gonna make sense if you listen to the show because it'll all have been edited together seamlessly right so they didn't hear they didn't hear what we heard yeah so that's I would assume not that'd be crazy I'd be really fucked up if they had heard some of the stuff Jeffrey I'm proud of you okay I hope this is really a month of a lot of healing and learning

for you and uh i appreciate that but remember the whole mirror and mirror thing i said that people really liked and i think just i hope you'll keep thinking about it i will and i i want to I think ultimately, I would just recommend listening to everyone a bit more and not immediately putting up your gates of defense. Because I think we're doing this because we care about your improvement. this because we care about your improvement yeah um and ultimately the only way that you can is by like actually taking in our feedback and thinking about it constructively well that's the thing it's this is going to be a four-week process the the work happens in between sessions that's what people don't understand about therapy is that um the work happens in your everyday life the hour is just kind of like planting the seeds. So Zach, I cannot thank you enough

for coming on this first episode of the monthly audit. What should we call this, Jake? Huh? I also want to say at the beginning of the episode, you kept saying, we don't know how long this is going to take. And we fully pivoted to it being four weeks. Yeah, you said four to six weeks at some point.

This could take the better part of a semester. I'm just wondering, because the thing is- You're not in school. take and we've fully pivoted to it being four weeks four to six weeks at some point this could take the better part of a semester i'm just wondering because the thing is not in school don't use semester as a word i don't know how long amir is going to be pissed at me i hope he listens to this and sees the effort that i'm trying to put into it that's all i'll say the fact that you're the fact that you're saying i don't know how long amir is going to be pissed at me shows that you're not ready and he's still going to be mad because you don't get it yet what do you and i think you still need to do the work okay well then maybe i didn't learn as much as i thought i did in the past hour but sometimes you have to break it all down to build it all up and i think that's what today

was and i'm assuming next week will be building it's a hero's journey right the hero's journey i love the story circle and all of that. I think you should probably study that this week. We're trying to get the Heim sisters on in three weeks. And they'll be sort of like sirens. They're not going to be on anymore. Damn, Daniel. How did I know?

We'll catch you on the flip. Diesel? Let me do another take. Anyways, we'll catch you on the flip diesel that one's a little bit more sensual didn't like the zoom in That was a Hiddem Original.