The Headgum Podcast - 44: The Audit Pt. 2 (w/ Melanie Bracewell!)

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

Comedian Melanie Bracewell joins Jake and Marika to continue the official audit of Geoff as the host of The Headgum Podcast, as Amir takes a sabbatical from the show.Follow Melanie:Twitter: @meladoodleIG: @melaniebracewellAdvertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Permission to do a poem or something? Sure, granted. Jeffrey, yeah. Why don't you get me started with a line and then I'll find a way to have the second line rhyme about it. Alright, this quarantine... Does it have to be interesting or whatever?

Yeah, maybe listen because it has to be interesting or whatever yeah maybe listen because it has to be interesting it ideally is interesting or at least like yeah says something yeah don't set a roadblock up that early okay okay alright what is a bird if not I'm gonna fucking slip my is that the poem or are you

saying you can't do it what's that oh yeah wait I'm sorry what did you say I said what is a bird if not uh a worm it's not i don't think so sorry it's not it's not a worm i don't think so what's the third line um i see in your eyes a i wish you were dead instead of me. Definitely didn't level that so loud part two of the the head gum podcast audit i yeah starting out strong too yeah um with us as never before Mel Bracewell famous comedian of New Zealand

style I don't I mean like I'm starting off so low energy just because like I'm still bummed about last week wait what happened last week I don't know yeah I forgot I didn't tell you anything did I I mean immediately right off the bat I just want to say none of the criticism Yeah, I forgot. I didn't tell you anything, did I?

I mean, immediately right off the bat, I just want to say none of the criticism that we gave you, the constructive criticism that we gave you last week, clearly none of it has gotten through to you. Especially the sound mixing. We were like, the one thing that we asked for was for you to mix the audio so it wouldn't hurt our ears when you played it. Yeah, I haven't been here before. I was just thinking that the intro sort of reeked of someone

who had never been given any feedback ever so that's kind of and you're correct right yeah about the show or just sort of in general um let me fill you in mel just told us that she listened to the first episode of this show episode episode one, and then none of the subsequent episodes, which is the worst review you could give somebody. But, you know, that's like a bad place to start because that was the most tame episode. What it has eventually become is less so like a happy hour talking about the company's inner workings. And we do touch on that sometimes when there's something that we can talk about. Right.

Sometimes Jeff will try to expose one of our addresses or our net worth or something like that. I'd also argue that this entire series that you've now started is entirely based on the company's inner workings. You've been calling out your boss for yelling at you. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. that's where we're at right now and i think you need to explain to our guests it's now kind of become like a panel show which is why i wanted to have you on because you are uh a comedian a writer but also you have been on a couple panel shows you've been hosts

you've hosted them you've participated etc etc yeah yes i'm like proper yeah good yeah yeah i've been on some so um what happened was two weeks ago uh amir blumenfeld who is one of the co-owners of head gum along with jake here yelled at me he really chewed me out on a all hands company meeting in front of the entire company and it was it was irreversible the damage that was done to our relationship still you're here trying to reverse it by having this four week audit right yeah and so what we're doing for these

four weeks are we're having outside guests on such as yourself to audit me as a host basically just give me tips and tricks advice feedback ideally positive to me of how i can be better as a host and as a person okay all right i've i'd already taken some notes in our past sort of interaction so this is good okay it's really good good it's great to hear it's kind of a big task to ask to basically tell tell our guest that your self-esteem was destroyed publicly and that her job is to now come on

and give you, I believe you said, tips, tricks, and positive feedback. Yeah. To, I guess, make you a better host, but it sounds like it's really to make you feel better, doesn't it? And I was accused of that online. I was.

The thing is, I picked things up from last week and I actually resent the implication otherwise, Marika, because the big piece of advice that stuck with me from last week's episode, Mel, was our guest, Zach Dunn, who's a writer for What We Do in the Shadows, who, you know, you work on Wellington Paranormal. So there's almost like some cinematic universe connection there. His advice was stop blaming a mirror. Instead, I need to take a look in the mirror. mirror instead i need to take a look in the mirror and that's what i did between last week and now is that i i've examined myself and i think that my main issue is being too topical so that isn't the issue just coming like right off the bat doesn't seem like the issue okay i i do feel like we should i'm gonna give you this jeff think, you know, you thought about it at all and that's good.

You put a tiny bit of effort into it. Not quite enough time to remix the audio cues, but it's good that you spent a little time looking in the mirror. And I'm sorry, you came away with the fact that you need to be more topical or less topical? No, I'm too of the moment because it's like some people don't read the news. Some people don't, you know, know that there was a big barge that clogged the Suez Canal. So I actually mixed a segment that I had

that was who said, or sorry, it was Suez, I can't get stoned. And so that's based off of a John Mayer lyric where he says, who says I can't get stoned? The problem with that isn't the topicality. It's the John Mayer reference.ity it's the john mayer reference yeah actually the john mayer reference makes it non-topical that's the problem okay no it's like 7 a.m where you are right yeah the sun hasn't even so sorry i thought like because i've just come from new

zealand you know i was sort of still on the new New Zealand clock but when I saw that the sun hadn't risen I was like maybe I've made a mistake here look I there is going to be a chance for you to win actual cash later so hopefully that'll make up for it okay but yeah I guess we should lay some ground rules like we did last week basically Mel any time I make some kind of mistake in your eyes or anytime you have any feedback, just say STOP! Just yell STOP! And then the podcast will stop and then you'll just kind of tell me where I went wrong or ideally where I went right. Okay, so we're allowed to yell

STOP anytime you do something right. Yes. Correct. Alright, so keep in mind if there's a long uninterrupted period where none of us say STOP, then you might be doing something wrong. No, you can also actually, you can say STOP for any there's a long uninterrupted period where none of us say stop then you might be doing something wrong no you can also actually you can say stop for any feedback positive or negative i just hope that it seems like a really disjointed way to do a podcast whether something negative or positive

happens we have to stop the podcast in its tracks and comment on it it seems yeah i don't know it's just kind of i'm new to this so we already locked it in you've got it covered i already said it okay there's no way that ferris is going to cut it out yeah so for this week let's do it next week i'll take that piece of feedback and we won't do this next week also like if we don't say anything like jake said for a long time do you just take that as like mediocrity like run of mill. And you just have to live with that because that's also something to consider. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing.

It's like a lot of people were responding to the announcement that me and Amir kind of are in this feud, really. And the people were upset, you know, for obvious reasons. The thing about podcasts is it's a lot like the golden age of television. People are inviting you not only into their homes into their living rooms but into their ears and that's so

personal to them so to and she just stops recording and leaves so i was just yeah i was just gonna turn it off does everything make sense so far i should have briefed you on this before we started. That's a good piece of feedback that you realized for yourself. That's good. I'm getting better. I am. No, it's fine. No, it's good.

Sounds great. All right. Cool. Cool. Well, I guess we should just wax. Oh, God. Like, what have you guys been up to? Mel, you're in Melbourne melbourne mel any brace well burn

oh yeah i guess so um yeah i'm in i'm in australia i got on a plane i took an international flight all right now i'm here new job you said yeah yeah i'm working on a tv show it's but it's actually confidential so i can't really talk that much about it. Well, we'll cut it out. He won't. Don't say anything. Don't say anything you want him to cut out. Because he also asked me for my address. Oh, no. Yeah, of course.

He does that to everyone. Ferris, cut that out. When you mentioned that he leaks addresses, I gave him my address like five minutes before recording. Really? I can't believe this. Yeah, no, you'll be doxxed. I was coy enough that I didn't say my room number. Like'm in an apartment and i just gave that's good really do you trust the doorman

i'm not sure i'll call his ass i actually do well with doorman i tip like unbelievable amounts of money all like where's william where are you tipping a doorman like what situation are you in where doorman like what situation are you in where you have to tip a door so you know like they have those revolving doors at fancy apartment buildings and hotels sure so when i was a kid slash still i'll just like love running around that like it's a merry-go-round and like at a certain point the doorman has to stop you because you're disrupting not only residents but hotel guests and they're like hey man you gotta head out and i'm like do i because i think that mr benjamin franklin says otherwise

and it's not a hundred dollar bill but it is 520s so no further questions so you did this as a child you said you gave you're like as a child you gave him a hundred dollars i had a couple line i had a couple limeade stands ended up franchising them all throughout shaker heights cleveland heights sugar falls it was pretty lucrative you were yeah you were a limeade tycoon it was a limeade is that right yeah for the better part of middle school i would distribute for lack of a better term limeade yeah yeah there's no other term that's the term right i hate that i asked but enough about me i mean something also that i kind of was self-reflective about the past week is that this show isn't about me it's about jake no it's not

it's not it's it's not about me either okay it's supposed to be like are you mad at me it's called because i thought i made progress and you're telling me i didn't it's called the head gum podcast and if i'm not mistaken you came up with the name head gum that it seems unrelated to what this show is i yeah i came up with the name head gum for the network i mean you invited melon because of her experience with the panel shows. So you know this is a panel show. You know this is not a show about me, right? Well, we haven't gotten to the game segments yet. Usually that comes out at like the 20-minute mark.

Okay. So far, your two segments have been a let's wax, where we just sort of pontificated with no guardrails at all. And then the next one feels a little bit like a personal attack in a way. Let's do this. You know what? I feel like this has got on to an awful start and I feel responsible. And that's the other thing that I worked on the past week is taking accountability for where I do go not wrong, but just not to the fullest extent of my abilities.

Why don't we make it a little bit more egalitarian? Let's just have a conversation. That's another feedback I heard from Marika last week is that sometimes I don't let conversation ride. I interrupt with, what's that? And stuff like that. So the first one was let let's wax which is let's have a conversation now this next one is let's have a conversation it seems like a bit samey to me okay that's very good a bit samey maybe that's the piece of advice i'll carry on from because it helped right if you have any rhymes that seems to help me too it definitely it softens the blow of saying something like jeff you're doing the same segment over and over again or like repetitive you know a bit samey

is kind of like fun it's whimsical how is the company doing i feel like i don't even know i haven't been able to go to an all-hands meeting since two weeks ago so you're you are invited to the old all-hands meetings you don't uh always show up that's true that's true at this point it's that is you're you're always welcome to come the company's doing great though you know we we're launching a bunch of fun new podcasts things are good man i just feel like i'm gonna stop yeah you brought a friend that is not associated with the company on to specifically help you learn and grow. And then immediately your first line of trying to start a conversation

topic is something she can't even participate in. And that just feels wrong. It leans heavily on the company all hands meeting. Which you don't attend. Amir called me a poor man's Jake Johnson.son yeah that's pretty nice no it's not the way he

said it though great um here we go marika takes the reins. Two minutes on the clock. Marika's now the host. Last week, we discovered that Jake and I got an MRI on the same day. Very exciting. What's an update? How's your situation?

You know, unfortunately, I was sure that they were going to find, I forget exactly what it's called, but like some some kind of anti or sometime kind of like inflammatory thing and they were going to give me inflammation blockers so i would stop having pain in my hips but um the mri called my hips unremarkable which is a little fucked up ultimately good good news. Ultimately good. And I do love that sentiment. I found out that I have a herniated disc. Oh, no. That will never heal. Does that mean you have to get surgery?

No, I don't have to. I just have to like get pain stuff and go to PT. But now I got to deal with that. That's not fun. I guess it's good to know. Grace, what about you? Any health issues? Me?

Yeah. I haven't got an MRI recently. I've sort of coasted by on being mostly pretty healthy, actually. That's great. Yeah. I feel like the ticking clock is really off-putting in a conversation. Yeah. It just really feels like we should always be wrapping things up.

I've brought that up as well, the ticking clock. Jeff holds his phone up to the screen. You can see the timer. You hear the clock. To really put me on the spot. And I'm not an entertainer

in the slightest, so it's even more aggressive that it's directed towards me, I feel. It bums me out that I only have 12 seconds left to hear about Marika's herniated disc because I actually have

a really great piece of advice for a physical therapist near our old office in Brooklyn. Sidebar me. I would love to know. Yeah. Loved my physical therapist there. But also like this segment where Jeff like hands the hosting duties over to someone else.

Why does he just then not join in at all? So he's no longer a host. That's something we've brought up as well. So I'm glad. I'm glad you're here. It's not a trading places thing. He just becomes I don't know, a bystander. But an

antagonistic bystander. Let's get specific notes that I can remember. What is it about the ticking clock that puts you guys on edge? Is it an anxiety thing? Because you're not late to anything. You're in the middle of the show. Don't put it on us like we've got a physical problem. It's just like if the ticking clock,

you're trying to believe there's some sort of impending doom. And that would cause anxiety to anyone, not just us. I would also submit that if like, if three people that you do the ticking clock thing for, if all of us are off put by it, we shouldn't even have to explain why. Like that should just be like for you. That's like that's a quorum of feedback that you just have to listen to. Take it on its face.

Democracy rules. the segment is specifically handing the reins over to me and then you're giving me a time limit that i can speak and say something so it's not only that i have to immediately come up with something to talk about but it has to be like two minutes worth of conversation pretty short time limit to be honest your other segments are definitely longer than two i've made it like 15 minutes before and then you guys are like 15 minutes i can't do that so I made it two but it's like the sentiment of a countdown is the problem and the time that you've made it longer was because you enjoyed

what I was talking about and was actually it was a game that you were involved in but anytime I'm like let's talk about pop culture or movies or something you immediately lambast me for it. That's all I care about.

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I haven't seen it yet. It's long. I haven't. It's long and it's really gloomy looking. It makes more sense than the original Justice League. So it's not a new movie. It's just a longer movie of the same. It is. Zack Snyder started filming the Justice League movie.

He had to drop out. Joss Whedon took it over, finished it. So he like reshot some things. And this is now the Zack Snyder version that he got to finish out and edit. It's four hours. It's too long. Oh, so they let him finish his movie. Yeah. Wow.

That's fucking. That's a little too much. Yeah. I mean, it's it's an event for sure. Is it good? It's better than the Joss Whedon cut, in my opinion. That one just, it didn't make sense as a movie. This one makes sense, but there's too much of it.

Is this one on, it's on HBO Max? Is that where this is? I would say that I don't recommend watching it. If you don't care, don't subject yourself to that. It's weird though. Cause I care a lot about superhero movies. Like I love Marvel and I just can't get into the DC universe is hard.

It's a Jeff engage. No, do you know what you asked has anyone seen this madica and then you just wouldn't take part in the conversation at all i haven't it feels like you haven't seen it yeah i didn't think so it's just everybody keeps talking about it also mel nice pad i just have have to say, that's an accent wall? What's your rent? Yeah, I guess so.

I don't have any rent. It's just like, it's because it's for a company thing. I'm just staying here temporarily. Oh, so loud. It's so loud. I work at Headgums, technically. Why can't I get my apartment paid for, Jay? We've got on trips where our lodging has been paid for don't bite your finger that's true and i did appreciate that

before we move on mel what's new with you do you have anything to plug that that plugs this kind of like end of show thing do you want me to leave no no no no I just like get them while they're here are they I don't have any plugs I don't want to plug anything I'm good

I'll be fine without any plugs now this is really your time to shine this is the panel show of it all Mel welcome to Burnin Gnaw. Jake left. Sorry, I had to plug in my computer. Oh, cool.

Okay. I'm fine. Welcome to Burn or Gnaw. Have you guys ever played Burn or Gnaw? No. Okay. Jake? No.

No. Thought I saw a hint of a smile. A whiff of joy. I'm smiling because I looked at my Zoom recorder and I saw we were like a little more than halfway done. So I was like, oh, nice. Okay. That really hurt my feelings. Onward.

Right, Bracewell? Is that something that like YTT ever says when you're in the room for fucking Wellington Paranormal? Is it like power through, you know, like people always yell at you? Well, I mean, YTT doesn't like he works sort of remotely on the show. He doesn't really come into the meetings. It's more with Jermaine who works on the show with us. And Jermaine's never said anything like that? No, we probably don't.

He didn't say it onward. He's just, no. Okay. It was worth an ask. Was it? Burn or Not is a game show that's been taking me by storm. Basically, I'm going to name a book. Oh, Jesus Christ.

And you guys tell me whether or not it deserves to be burned. Okay, we're into book burning. I can't believe this. I feel like we should stop now and get your initial thoughts, Mel, on this as a segment for a panel show. Well, I'm kind of intrigued by him asking us if we've ever played Burn or Nah and then informing him that it's only a game that he knows. So he knew that we had never played Burn or Nah.

There was a chance that like because some people play hopscotch and then in other cities it's called like skip a block or something i don't know okay fine i can i can i've never done a book burning game i'll say that it could probably provoke some hostility from people that are watching you know i think book burning is kind of a touchy subject like i'm not sure it's worth. It's a hot button issue. Yeah. Like, and also you're just basically saying if a book is good or not.

You're not really getting any, you're not fostering any proper conversation. And you're alienating any of your audience who's never read those books. It's not really, I don't think it would work. But by all means, you know, we'll do a pilot. That's what you, that's what pilots. It's a lot to put on the guests. It's a lot to put on the guests, I think, because we are voting here. The three of us are voting, I guess, whether or not to burn a book, which, you know, on its face feels like something you wouldn't want to do.

But then you're going to say like some kind, you're going to say like a fucking touchyy book like mind comp or something where i have to be like all right maybe you shouldn't burn it because like it's i don't you know like this is like yeah it's just fucked up it's fucked up i feel like you're you're baiting us i also felt like it was a trap but now i am interested in hearing what the books are so let's play really yeah all right that's what you're waiting for now the spirits are back jeff has been frowning throughout all of the feedback until marika said let's play okay you want to play yeah bracewell do you want to play i guess sure micah micah's my brother i'm jake you he laughed at his own joke in the beginning of the, you said the whole show should be about me. So you had to have known who I was. All right.

I guess let's make a happy medium here. Instead of just saying on its face, burn or nah, let's just talk a little bit about each book as we go on, whether you guys have read it, etc. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by Just Kidding Rowling. I mean, I'm going to be gonna be crazy i'm gonna say burn it i feel like i'm also the same i've never read it but also she's like massively transphobic now so it makes sense i guess oh that's so condescending like i i i put myself on this pedestal by calling someone out, and you applaud me, and it makes me feel small.

No, I couldn't agree more. I think it's a little bit virtue signally, but yeah. I mean, you flubbed the word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. I think you've been burning too many books and not reading them. Well, the problem is they were library books. So like, you know, that's a lot of plastic that I'm inhaling from the sleeves.

Yeah. I just think optically a book fire is never where you want to be. So there's like other things that we could do with the books. That's not the question. The question is, what are your thoughts on Prisoner of Azkaban? I've never read it. I'm going to say burn, but I'm not going to. It's not only because Rowling is a fucking turf.

It's also because this book scared the shit out of me when I was young. Because you got to remember, I was like fucking nine when I read this. And the werewolf scene, forget about it. I didn't sleep for a year. None of us have read it, but I agree with that sentiment. The reason I stopped reading Harryry potter was because chamber of secrets scared me and then i never i can't imagine being scared of a book that's yeah i can't imagine being scared of like driving a fucking 18 wheeler but that's just because i've

never done it and same for you jake read sorry i'm like i'm just getting nervous now because melanie woke up at 7 a.m earlier than 7 a.m for this and it's not going the way she wanted it to so what do you mean don't project this onto me so you want to lash out at me i i you know i'm just letting you do it man all right what about the bible by god i don't think god wrote it i will i'll say nah i'll say nah that feels seems like a bad probably a touchy yeah yeah it's at the very least unlucky yeah i just was wondering if you guys were like fucking satanists or whatever all right 1984 by uh isn't that one of the like orwell yeah yeah yeah uh isn't that like a book that is about

no that's Fahrenheit government spying on you yeah so and I mean they do like burn books and make fake news stories in 1984 so I think we if we're burning that book we're living in a really bad bad place so let's

not cool yeah I'll say also I don't want to burn it yeah i'll say nah for that one he likes that he definitely he loves the usage of his own terms what about uh my little black book oh yes yeah let's we should burn that all the numbers that you put in there are fake we We're definitely. Yeah. Alright. I just like what are we supposed to do with that reaction? You didn't even answer the question if it is your

little black book. It's like a list of all the people that I've had romantic entanglements with. Yeah. Let's burn it. Oh that's what that book is. Yeah definitely. And you want to burn it because there's some memories there and I kind of want to keep in touch maybe. Start fresh. Yeah it seems unhealthy. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. And you want to burn it? Because there's kind of like some memories there. And I kind of want to keep in touch maybe. Start fresh.

Yeah, it seems unhealthy. Yeah. What is it about that seems unhealthy from your perspective as a panel host, comedian, et cetera? Is it? The attachment to it right now. I think the attachment to it. Every other book you sort of just glossed over after we answered.

But this one you're kind of like defending. Yeah. Well, it's's one of one you're just clinging on to it so hard that makes me think that you're not doing well no i'm doing fine i just like sometimes i would wonder how like is doing you don't need to say her full name like how's she really asked to be like how is she doing? That one you made up. Made up, yeah. It actually was not, but that is a name I would come up with. So Italian. All right.

What about Pride and Prejudice? You know what? We have to move on. I have two other segments. I'm not going gonna burn pride and prejudice yeah that one's pretty good this has been burn or not these jingles are so old school like what is your idea of a panel show like have you only watched i've only watched your highlight reels on youtube I actually had some notes

if you don't mind. There was a time that you were on, um, which, what's the one in New Zealand? There's a few. No, come on. Okay, don't say come on. I don't know which one you're talking about. About her own reel. The fucking, uh,

the, uh, the one where it's like a moment in time. Seven days? Seven days. Yeah, seven days. Okay, all right. What about it? Do you get weekends on that show or is it seven days a week?

You said we had to move on and you're doing this. It's one day a week and we refer to the last seven days. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my god. Oh my god. It's okay to dance. Welcome to... Oh, my God. Heaven or Mel?

Oh, God. Have you guys ever played Heaven or Hell? No. No. No. Okay. Is this a game where you decide if celebrity should go to heaven or hell that's what heaven or hell is but this is an adaptation of it where we decide whether

someone who does a certain thing should go to heaven or should go to you is it so mel is bad like which one's bad i don't know i mean i didn't have a lot of time for this show but this is the segment so let's fucking work within the confines of it. You asked me to do this like a week ago. That's true. That's true. I just wanted you to have advance notice. I guess this is as good as time as any to announce this. I'm working on I'm developing it with

CISO and it's going really well. Did you say and see so point being i didn't have a lot of time but i did have a lot of time for reflection like as i was falling asleep and shit i was like lying awake nights sweating uh seemingly a side effect from the covid vaccine and uh you know i i realized the error of my ways i realized the terror of my ways and so i wanted to have you on again to give notes on how do I can make these segments better. So do you have any notes so far, Heaven or Mel?

I feel like I just blacked out in the last minute. No. My, my. All right. One note is you sort of soft pitched your CISO in the middle of the segment after you announced the segment. I feel like we were giving feedback on. your see-saw in the middle of the segment after you announced the segment after you played the theme music i feel like we were giving feedback on and then somehow i got sidetracked yeah and you said this is a good as time as any which was not a good time you said it was a good time

there's a time at the end for plugs i feel like i fucking missed going to some kind of social etiquette class when i was young because everybody else seems i put a bunch of time effort sweat equity into this shit and everybody else on the same page all the time and that's really hurtful sometimes you just asked us to give you feedback and now you're yelling at us for giving that feedback you're in charge if you wanted to start the game at any point and stop us berating you, you could. Forget it. Forget it. Heaven or Mel, here we go.

I'm going to list an act, something that someone does, and then you tell me, or we all kind of wax about whether that person should go to heaven or should go to Mel and embrace Will. All right. Spending a raunchy weekend in Vegas. What? What does that mean exactly? Gambling. Yeah, we know. Just gambling.

But how is it in the context of this game? So someone who gambles, should they go to heaven or should they go to my house? Not your house, but go to you. Someone would go to someone for advice or whatever or just to hang out. Yeah, you've got to be clear with that definition. I think this one is heaven. What's that? I was waxing.

You told us to wax. You said wax. He chugs and adds it so quickly. I think it's heaven because it's fine to like have a nice time it's fine to imbibe it's fine to like you know lose a little bit of money you can still

like you know end up in some place of nirvana so people should only go to me if they're not fine I was gonna say are we still using go to Mel as like the equivalent as if it's hell yeah yeah you know the other way we could use this segment as okay i was gonna say if we wanted to like get to know mel in a certain way that'd be fun yeah like does mel like to party and go and gamble and stuff or

with or would a bunch of like debaucherous gambles not have fun hanging out with you i do like to gamble actually but i'm a sensible gambler i'll go home if i've won like twenty dollars so i think these people would have more fun hanging out with mel then that's true because yeah it feels like there's no casinos in heaven yeah you're probably right all right let's go mel on that one um he sounds so disappointed i guess steely Dan was wrong. You can buy a thrill. Ow. That was the most clever joke I've ever made on this show. I think you're muted.

You're muted. You're either muted or you're... Now you are. Now you're not. So you didn't hear the Steely Dan joke? No, we heard that. Oh, we heard that. We heard the Ste you're not. So you didn't hear the Steely Dan joke? No, we heard that. Oh, we heard that. We heard the Steely Dan joke.

So you didn't laugh. I was mumbling. I was mumbling about how that was the most clever joke I've ever said on this show. No response, which is worse than a bad response. It's just every... Okay, I'm not going to say every joke, but like so many jokes are based on your immediate current interests. Right now, that immediate current interest is Steely Dan,

and it's not universal. That's a good note. That's actually a really fucking good note. Because I had a lot of Steely Dan shit planned. Thank you. Namaste, Marika. Namaste. All right, donating your time and money to worthy charities.

Okay, so they should go to heaven. But then they like die also so there's like another element if they go to me they're like still alive so they should go to mel we want more of those people on earth that's fair go to mel but wouldn't that get annoying race well like a bunch of like fucking goody two-shoes holier than now people rushing you i mean i wouldn't consider people who give a lot of time and effort to charities like goody two shoes. Like it's not about, it's not like a classroom

where you're like brown nosing someone. Like it's like they're actually helping people. Like you find that bad? No, it's good. I just, I've personally never like donated my time because I didn't want to hang out with a bunch of nerds. But this is actually good feedback for me

as a person and not a host. Maybe I should. Well, you know, some people can't donate time so you so it sounds like you donate money and that's i think that's good too i haven't yet okay so you said time or money and then you said you haven't donated your time you kind of omitted the money but you said you have what about correcting someone's grammar when they send you a really vulnerable text. So like they say, Heaven. Heaven. Y-O-N. Mel doesn't need that energy.

Okay. So at this point, heaven's almost become the fuck off option. Yeah. What about stealing from the poor and giving to the rich? A reverse Robin Hood in a way. Actually, it's a normal Robin Hood if you're talking about the company.

You guys have money in the market? I think I saw Marika smile. Actually, it's a normal Robin Hood if you're talking about the company. You guys have money in the market? I think I saw Marika smile. Yeah. You can't. You're picking up on the smallest of positive affirmations and really clinging to them. A smirk. Is that a wrinkle in your cheek?

No, that's from where a smile was nearly seconds ago. It's like when you can't stop smiling and then your face hurts it's that kind of energy today i mean if you want to believe that then i'll just i don't want to like step all over what you think is happening here that's very kind in fact i think that you could actually amir could benefit from hearing you say that so if you're listening blumenfeld maybe just let people be happy i feel like i feel like i don't know maybe ferris cut that out like that might do you more harm than good if you request amir to listen to that carefully that would be bad no well while he's listening while his ears are peeled ferris don't cut that out what about yelling obscenities at an underling employee

slash friend during an all-hand zoom meeting while the whole company watches slash smiles that's an interesting piece of information you get at zoom meeting while the whole company watches slash smiles that's an interesting piece of information you get at the end while the whole company smiles that's what hurt the most was angie garcia from head gum couldn't get enough of it she was like practically throwing ones at the zoom camera like tipping amir for fucking chewing me out i think she just liked the name dork ass amir for fucking chewing me out i think she just liked the name dork ass amir called me a dork ass um i think heaven because that means he'll die i really do think that and then i don't even have to have a guilty conscience because he's

he's experienced enlightenment almost but you still like kill him in this hypothetical your fucking shirt that says god is love you're he just asked us if we wanted to burn the bible shirt all right what about becoming a sorcerer's apprentice so you get the little hat it's too many of these that sounds ideal is that the name of a Harry Potter book? Sorcerer's Stone Philosopher's Stone what about living at okay alright that's also just saying

should go to heaven or hell you're just talking about me. So. What is this? New song. Already too long? Did you say already too long? Of course. Yeah. It's insane that it's gone.

I thought it was going to end measures to go this is definitely gonna have to cut that one down all right this game is for cash melanie can all be worth it the early wake up the early call time as they call it in the business although i don't have to tell you that um god stop trying to schmooze up to me it's really strange it's really uncomfortable. You're fucking networking right now. I'm net-worth-ing right now. That's where I try to increase my net worth through networking. That's just networking.

Have you guys ever played Heads or Tails? With a coin? Yes. Yeah. He's dropped the coin. Tried to flip it, tried to catch it, dropped it. Basically it basically yeah i'll flip the coin you guys all call it and then if it's right you get ten dollars if it's wrong you owe me ten dollars no i just i we have to stop the game the game is just literally heads or tails and we're gambling is essentially what's happening i mean i, I wasn't sure if I was going to do it,

but Mel seemed to like really couldn't get enough of Vegas. She said that she's like a smart gambler. So let's put it to the test. She said sensible. She didn't say can't get enough. She said sensible. I don't want to give you money ever. You might win.

Fine, let's do this. Let's do triple or nothing. No. Fucking $30 for every right answer. $10, let's keep it there for every wrong answer now the odds are in your favor now you start to change your mind a little bit yeah great um yes i'm in okay good okay yeah sure um so i'm gonna flip it and then you guys call it before i even see what it is does that seem fair yeah that's how it works we've all played before

so yeah put your hand higher it's hard because this is a dime. Yeah. Do you have $30? You really should not be doing this for cash. You underprepared so much that you didn't even bring a big enough coin to play. I didn't have one. I only had a dime. But you're supposed to have $30 to give us.

In my Venmo. It's all Venmo. Okay. Fuck it. $1,000 for every right answer. Does that seem fair? No. Yes. Alright, we'll split the difference. $100. Call it. Heads. Tails. Heads.

That's $100 to Melanie. Holy shit. Jake, Marika, you owe me $10. Okay, I'll take that. I'm gonna now take the $100. Oh, no, no, no. I gotta keep on going. You can't bow out. You've got a lot of mistakes to make, though, so'll take that. I'm going to now take the $100. That's sensible. I got to keep on playing. You can't bow out. You've got a lot of mistakes to make, though, so you're fine.

Let's just do best two out of three. Let's do one or two more, all right? Yeah, I want to make my money back. Call it. Heads. That's tails. So, Jake, Marika, you both owe me 20. Mel, I owe you 90.

One more time? Fine, one more time. This is 20 times or nothing. Jake and Rika, you both owe me 20. Mel, I owe you 90. One more time? Fine, one more time. This is 20 times or nothing. So if you get it wrong, you don't owe me any money. If you get it right, I owe you 20 times. I mean, like, fuck it, right? 20 times whatever I already owe you. This seems like so unwise.

Okay, all right, cool. Heads. Tails. In a weird turn of events, it was heads. And Jake and Riga, I didn't owe you guys anything. So 20 times zero is zero. Mel, you got it wrong even though I owed you $90. So now I owe nobody anything and they don't owe me anything.

No, wait. You never said that. You didn't say that if I get it wrong that I lose all my money. You owed her $90. So it's 20 times 90. That's a lot of cash. $1,800. This is where

the song should end, but it just keeps going. it sounds like you just use that to change the subject so that we don't talk about you owing me 90 dollars let's recap um sure what have i learned today let's start with jake what have i learned today let's start with jake that's what i said i nothing you know what if you're not gonna listen to what i'm saying then don't do the show i think you might remember the when when mel said that what the segments were a bit samey that's what i think you might remember yeah and i hope you do yeah i hope you did i did take that one to heart that one to heart i there was something marika said that was pretty good

i'm not really remembering it all right so then why are we doing the audit then why is this happening look i think that this is a journey okay it is not gonna happen overnight. It's already been a fortnight. It's not gonna happen over fortnight either. Why? You can't just wake up and be different or better. After two weeks, you can improve. You can show that you're trying to improve. That's the bare minimum.

I thought I did. Let's start with the negative and with the positive. So you guys give me your final thoughts on what I did wrong and then maybe one or two you guys give me your final thoughts on what I did wrong, and then maybe one or two or three or four or five good things that I did. I mean, to start, you didn't take the feedback, one of the main feedbacks from last time, which was level the audio. Okay.

So that's one thing. I would just consider that for next time. Didn't I? Damn, Daniel. So no. Second thing, I mean, the last game was literally heads or tails. And that just feels like

there could be some improvement there. I'm sorry. It was actually me trying to take some advice from you, Marika, is that sometimes, you know, I bring these games and they're so, like, Jesse or Paul. Like, what even is that? You know, that was a game we played last week, Melanie.

I think we enjoyed that one. Okay. I'm trying to think of another game that we did that was just kind of like merit or carrot the the ran yeah yeah for sure every single game has been a 50 50 sort of option you know you're not really you're not doing any games that sort of like like you know in the interviewing world they're called open questions you know you're literally only giving people two options and their answers you're not actually giving for some reason i feel like a long time ago in the show at some point we were like we all have to unanimously agree on an answer and that's kind

of stuck and so we all just say an answer and then you're like so we're all in agreement it's this thing and we move on well i don't like confrontation then why do games like heaven or mal like where you're deciding that this one should die like it seems like someone who really wants confrontation that's a good note that is a good note i think if nothing else this episode has shown me how to take criticism and that's something that i did grow with in the last couple days right is last week i was yelling a lot uh you yelled a little bit too just a little uh yelled at a mirror specifically that's the thing i think that you should take away from this there and if you knew

anything about therapy marika you would know that anger is a secondary emotion and it's really just sadness and pain and hurt yeah comes out as anger as a defense mechanism. Appreciate the lesson. You sounded a little angry at Marika just now. No, you just called me an idiot also. You said you know anything about therapy, Marika. Yeah. I can't get a word in edgewise on this show.

You literally did. You got a word in edgewise. Therapy isn't something you research and you like try and nail down. It's like something you should just go to and enjoy for yourself. Yeah. You know, find your own journey. And you're right. And you're right about that. And I said that at the end of last week's episode try and nail down. It's like something you should just go to and enjoy for yourself and, you know,

find your own journey. And you're right. And you're right about that. And I said that at the end of last week's episode was that you guys are only hearing what is essentially a therapy session. The work happens in between shows. And I would just, I would just posit that the listeners shouldn't be hearing the therapy

session. This isn't the time. But also the preparation, you couldn't even get a coin big enough that you could see. Like a small bit of preparation you could have done. Yeah. That was phoning it in beyond the pale. All right.

So yeah, be more prepared. Is that the lesson? Last week it was look in the mirror. You don't have to boil it down to one because we had a lot of feedback. We've been here for an hour and I feel like it does us a disservice. If at the the end of the episode you're just like okay so what's the one like why did i waste my time you know yeah it's not like a children's television show where

it's like the moral of the story right the one lesson it's just sometimes i do find that those children programs are like helpful because they do only have one more so for me that's just like easier to digest right watching pbs i think that would be helpful for you maybe thinking of easy to digest did you guys see that shrimp tail thing that was insane judging by your like conversation starter of the snyder cut i feel like you haven't even seen it yeah you just haven't seen what yeah you can't there's no way you know the whole deal of that whether it's boiled down or not i do think there's let's i'll do top three takeaways one be more prepared thank you mel two um what was the other one? I feel like you know

you called me an idiot and said I didn't know about therapy and I think that in a therapy session you're also like supposed to remember the takeaways and like remember homework that you might have to do and also you know like Mel says it's a journey for yourself

so I feel like you should be responsible for remembering that list. And mixing the levels. Mixing the levels. Right, that was what it was. Mixing the levels, being more prepared, and then being more open to feedback, which I think I am. So that one's already kind of done.

Yeah. You said you had a problem with like, I suppose like something you've improved on is that you said in the beginning of the episode that you were too topical. And none of the things we've done were topical in any way. So I guess that's what you thought was wrong. The cider cut was topical, but you didn't speak at all. You said you didn't like confrontation, but you've been pretty antagonistic.

So I feel like you're growing there, at least. You're not shying from being argumentative. So you think it's healthy confrontation? Yeah, no. from you know being argumentative so you think it's healthy confrontation yeah no the answer is no it's not healthy but like at least you're trying something new I guess well you know what guys this is the halfway fucking point no not of the podcast today

I mean of the audit oh I forgot to mention. Hearts Kindred, Zona Gil. I started reading it. It's actually pretty good. You should have forgot to mention it. You should have actually forgot to mention it.

Well, it was on the list of burn or nah. We didn't end up getting to it. But don't burn. Don't burn. Buy it. Hearts Kindred, Zona Gil. Such pivotal work. Okay, you hit the game called burn or nah, and you don't even say nah.

You say don't burn. You don't even. Anyway, plugs. Let's go down the line. Let's start with Mel. What do you have going on? What's the point that people to social media jobs, jobs shows whatever show yeah god i mean when you find what you love to do it doesn't it's never work i don't really have anything to plug just you know

people want to find me they will i guess it's fine marika listen all the new head gum shows that have come out recently um cast cast uh fake the nation's black halflings yeah three black halflings um yeah i'm on twitter and instagram at marie k alan and you know what i'll throw on your bone listen to buckets yeah listen to buckets listen if i were you this is my olive branch starting early jake you you just told people to listen to my podcast so I'm good you don't want to like shout out to brands and say like hey if I ever pitch you as a commercial director hire me because I'm talented

okay yeah shout out to Starbucks I like your coffee and if you guys ever make a commercial I'd like to direct it if Starbucks ever make a commercial alright well let's wrap it up I'd like to direct it. If Starbucks ever make a commercial. All right, well, let's wrap it up.

Mel, thanks so much for joining us this week on part two of the audit of the HeadGum podcast. You know, things have to get worse before they get better, and I've always said that. Last week was a rough start, and this week was a little better than that. So I think that we're going to get there. By the time I'm talking to. I think I'm going to be a whole new person, let alone host.

This might be an entirely different show. Yeah, sure. I'm not reacting because I didn't hear. You didn't need to. It was so hard to respond to anyway. Sex! That was a Hiddem Original.