The Headgum Podcast - 5: Oreos or Orioles

Episode Date: June 19, 2020

Headgum's CTO, Andrew Pile, joins Jake, Amir, and Geoff to discuss birding, winches, and Geoff's newly disfigured face.Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so amir start pile oh pile start there we go all right now and then if it's not helpful uh this is a mirror this is a mirror talking start yeah it's not helpful right it's not even if it's just you saying this is a mirror this is pile pile start okay jeffrey james start going action yeah action yeah good yeah this is how you start your guys' show? There's a clap from Pyle. One second. That was from Jake.

That was Pyle's clap. Just for me because I'm going to be assembling this shit. All right. Those wimpy little weak claps. No, that was an echo for my clap. Yeah. Whoops. Action.

Pyle, start. Hold on. I'm going to stop and then start again. Ready? Why? Why? Should I record? Yeah, yeah yeah record we all

we all have been recording i'm 11 minutes deep what were you talking about before you got on the zoom i started the zoom and then i went to take a shit quite frankly and then i came back and it's just still rolling pile start jake clapping we are speed we have all been speed we've been speeding for several seconds now. We should welcome Andrew Pyle to the show. Pyle's first podcast. Pyle's first podcast. That's true.

Let's give him a wee clap. That was a wee clap from Amir right there. Tell us about yourself. My name's Andrew Pyle. I work at HeadGum. I head i head up technology nice what else would you like to know you want to talk about vimeo do you want to talk about your other accomplishments your house well i don't need to give like a whole you know life story every time you press play on vimeo it's because of andrew pile's abilities or lack thereof pile pile invented the play button before

vimeo would just show a thumbnail and it would be like what are we doing here and Pyle came along and he's like we should have the play button that would totally revolutionize it everything just auto played

before I came along it was chaos yeah pure breadlum would you Pyle what are you drinking I know you told me before but what is that

it's La Croix and lime juice pomplamoose La Croix with bitters you said what do you call that um we don't have a name for it it's just the kind of mocktail a choice that's the pile driver exactly a mocktail called the pile driver give me the the hardest mocktail you have i have a name suggestion we could pitch alts on it yeah go ahead a sexy virgin shirley what's that so it's a sexy virgin shirley so it's like damn that's a good looking drink but ultimately it's a virgin shirley temple you don't have to say sexy like virgin shirley implies sexy there's nothing sexier what about illiterate sexy shirley virgin because it's a

mocktail it's illiterate it's ill it's not illiterate it's a literate you don't even know what you're saying surely are we no are we not going to talk about jeffrey's uni band-aid he has a band-aid across half of each of his eyebrows. I got snapped at by a basset hound. Meaning? How could I be any more crystal? What? Take us through the 30 seconds leading up to the bite. I'm cuddling with the pup.

She's laying on my lap. She falls asleep. Cute, right, Pyle? Up until this point, yeah. All right. So far, so good. Cut this out. But basically, what happened was...

Don't tell him to cut it out we were everything was going great she is a little bit of a sheepish dog but she had her she was licking me she was had her head on my lap and uh i'm like all right i gotta go to bed just like this one did i stand up she's still asleep i reach down to kiss her forehead good night because i'm kind of a paternal figure to her now. And she gets startled and she snaps and my face is in the way. So you woke her up from a night terror and she bit your forehead.

You tried to kiss your dog goodnight and it bit you in the face. Is that what happened? That's exactly right. I mean, I thought I just got out of a toxic relationship. Nice. Is it your family dog it's it was a foster that uh we just adopted so now we're trying to figure out yes swimming with disease right just so you're gonna put it down or well jeff choked her to death someone's getting euthanized it's either jeff or the dog. They're getting rid of one.

Yeah, they were heavily preference towards me, unfortunately. What happened after it nipped you? What did you do? Take us through the 30 seconds after the nip. It nipped me and I hustled. So I ran to go get a suture strip. And my mom helped me clean it and desanitize it. Or sorry, sanitize it. You mean sanitize it. I wish. desanitize it or sorry you mean sanitize it i wish

your mom spit in the wound was it bleeding a lot it bled a lot yeah have you ever tasted you oh god it's an ed sheeran song that's actually the log line to my uh literate virgin shirley temple have you ever tasted you don't have a log line for a mocktail let's just start at there a mocktail menu is pretty good illiterate virgin shirley and then a taste of you is another is another mocktail i'm drinking also non-alcoholic but this is a non-alcoholic beer because i'm in on an antibiotic as we squeak so this is our library did this happen last night okay that just tastes like barley lacroix um yeah this happened on thursday wait that's five days old and you were just hiding it from us what am i gonna do spam the company slack on a saturday saying hey i just got chomped at by a fucking dalmatian you spam the company's slack all the time with much more useless information than that.

Also, it was a Thursday, you said. Yeah, but midnight. That's not Saturday. You're skipping a day. Leave me alone. He was in a delirium all Friday. He had rabies. Did you have to go to the doctor?

No, I didn't. But my parents' doctor came to the house because he's not even working right now. Yeah. Did he have like a cool bag with like sutures and shit in it? Is it like that kind of doctor? He gave me a tetanus shot and he kind of made sure that the wound was clean and then he bandaged it himself. He gave you a tetanus shot?

Yeah. But my body rejected it. So I am dying. That band-aid that you have that looks like a unibrow was done by a doctor? No, this was done by yours truly. Yeah. I mean, that looks like a real a real hack job to be honest with you it's a half-ass job so i don't even yeah i don't care

did you think you'd need stitches no it was he said it was mostly superficial so that's also why i uh hope it doesn't scar but also like he was being kind of superficial like he was talking about looks i'm like it's not all about looks it's also like i just don't want to get an infection it's good add that to your act so you have antibiotics and a tetanus shot yeah and a non-alcoholic so this dog is really you have no idea what the health state of this dog is no it doesn't have rabies but also i the last my last tetanus shot was uh 2010 so i needed it anyways it anyways I don't know why this is a cross examination it's always everyone versus Jeff and Pyle's wearing

a fucking pilot a pilot headset your ears extend out the length of your face on both sides he's wearing heavy cans with a microphone stick it's Chef Boyardee on your ears nothing for that with a microphone stick. It's Chef Boyardee on your ears.

Nothing for that. What does that even mean? It's like the cans, dude. The Chef Boyardee comes in. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys didn't even give me a courtesy laugh. It was deafening silence.

Y'all looked at me like, maybe we should restart. Jake, clap. like maybe we should restart jake's club so pile this is how the show works i don't know if you've heard it but basically uh we there are uh six segments there's current obsessions current confections current confessions current aggression current possession and current profession and we covered a lot of those we covered a lot of those with the dog attacking you current aggression you want to run through those one at a time i guess let's go current obsession and let's start with andrew pile what are you most obsessed with and you can't say renovating your house man because it'll never be just right uh i am obsessed with uh a bird there's some birds around my house that are it's crazy right now all the birds are going nuts they're all having little they're laying eggs and i there's an oriole's nest outside of my house

that i don't know if you've ever seen an oriole's nest but at first i saw it it was way up in the tree and i thought it looked like a like a wasp's nest or something. Right. And it's not. They call them hammock houses. And these Orioles go up there and they weave a house. And it looks like a bag that hangs from a tree. And then they just fly over to it and just hop in. And they live in this hanging bag. They're the only birds that do this. Wow.

In North America. I'm looking at it online right now. It looks so weird. It looks like one of those weird little, like, Russian vegetable sacks, you know, those weird little nets. No, I have no idea what you're talking about, but what I'm talking about are Orioles' nests. Okay, well, everyone can look both of these things up. They're very, they're truly identical.

Wait, I see this. Tommy Malone, Cole Stewart. Oh, sorry, this is the Orioles' bullpen. Cal Ripken just chilling in a hammock on deck. In a bag made of straw hanging above the dugout. So what's your role

to play with these, what did you say, hammock hives? Hammock house. You're the host and you're not even listening to it. Are you leaving them be?

Are you giving them feed? Are you... i'm doing my best to take it down yeah i don't like that they're there really no i i think they're awesome they're like um you know they're bright orange they're cool they're really cool birds you ordered a slingshot on amazon right you've been you've been trying to pick off it's cross the orioles one by one tape packing your things in the bathroom in that background. Are you coming at us right from, what is it, Rye? No, you always say that, but that's wrong. But I'd rather not correct you because I don't really want you to know where I live. All right, let's just say Rye.

For the sake of the argument in the podcast, let's say it's Rye. It's Rye, New York. It's upstate New York. We're entering phase three right now. We can dine indoors. Yeah, and get a haircut, haircut i think i think that's the big things that are happening are you gonna do either of those things for sure not yeah you've got enough oreo meat in your backyard to last you a fortnight brother i just imagine pile at a bar

with like co-workers we're all talking about like light-hearted things like what do you how do you guys eat an oreo do you kind of slide them off and then like filling or do you kind of dip it in milk and eat it all and then i was like oh no no no i do the first one you say so you kind of slide them off and then like filling or do you kind of dip it in milk and eat it all? And then I was like, oh, no, no, no, no. I do the first one you say. So I kind of crack it open and I eat its insides. The cream. Sometimes it's cream. No de-feathering for me. De-feathering? What are you talking about? You guys are talking about Oreos, right? Milk. Milk's favorite bird. At least he washes it down with milk. He's not a total psycho.

Can you eat an Oreo? What's your current obsession, you jackass? You're always talking to us about what we're into. Why don't you talk about what you're into, you piece of shit? You fucking jackass. Such an aggressive way to ask someone what they're passionate about. You fucking asshole. Tell me what makes you tick, you piece of shit. It's like an insecure college admissions officer.

What brings you joy you little fuck what's your safety school you prick i uh i've already talked about this on review review and i texted two of you guys to watch this but i've been watching what we do in the shadows which is very funny oh so pile you do watch it i watched season one i haven't watched i watched the pilot i watched the first episode season one i loved. It was great. What stopped you from going forward? I mean, I only started it a couple days ago. So, no, I had nothing. I am going forward.

But you have been sort of nagging me about the entire thing. You said that I should watch it. I said that I liked it. You sent me a scene from it, and I laughed. And then you responded. That's all. That's all. That's all I get is a ha ha ha. Three ha's.

I guess what's stopping me now is that you, it seems like something that you might talk to me about a lot if I were to continue watching. So maybe I'll avoid that. Well, I was thinking maybe we could have weekly discussions. I already snail mail like episode summaries and reviews to Pyle's place, but I think I had the address wrong because I thought it was Rye.

Amir, you seem depressed. It's wrong. I am. What's there to be happy about? I don't know. I mean, I guess there's a lot of positive social change happening. There's a lot of art being made in quarantine. Meaning art, meaning comedy, meaning music, meaning movies being written that you'll see

later. Things coming out that bring us joy. Yeah, really. Shit. Maybe I should be doing some of that shit. I've been kind of just like moping about and like not really doing much, but art sounds pretty fun, actually. Actually, permission to do a poem or something?

Sure. Why don't you get me started with a line and then I'll find a way to have the second line rhyme about it. All right. This quarantine... Does it have to be interesting or is it just for whatever?

Yeah, maybe listen because it has to be interesting. It ideally is interesting or at least like... Yeah, okay. ...says something. Yeah, don't set a roadblock up that early.

It says something. Okay, okay. All right. What is a bird if not? I'm going to fucking slip my is that the poem or are you saying you can't do what's that oh yeah wait wait no sorry what did you say i said what is a bird if not uh a worm it's not i don't think so sorry so it's not it's not a worm i don't think so what's the third line um i see in your eyes a i wish you were dead instead of me let's go current obsessions with me okay oh no he pulled his hat down over his eyebrows it's actually really sunny in this room i'm fucking i'm getting really really hot cleel athletics is my obsession

i invested in this hat company cleel ever heard of i don't think it's cleel i think it's cla sorry you named the company cleel athletics and all they do is hats they do hats they do pants they do shorts and they do bicycles do they do shorts, and they do bicycles. Do they mainly do bicycles and the rest are just kind of accessories? They would. Possibly. Pyle, what's a business that you would start like that, where it's kind of ass backwards, hat backwards?

A business I would start like that that's primarily accessories and moves into the main thing? Yeah. I'd have to go with birding. You really are obsessed with birding. No, I don't know. I obsessed with birds no i don't know i don't really uh i don't know what has good accessories but like the main thing is kind of boring like i'm born to hats and i am bikes what hat are you wearing pile i'm wearing an only new york hat what's that it's a brand what percentage of your wardrobe is only new york uh 10 i have a solid

that's oh wait i'm wearing an only new y shirt. There you go. I love that brand. I'm actually wearing an only New York jock, actually, if you guys wanted to. Whoa. Jesus Christ. Put your dick back in. Your dog bit that too. Your dog bit that too, man.

No, it was just like that. It's always sort of had a bite out of it. I'm curious about a new hat for the summer. This is maybe my obsession. I've been vaguely interested in buying a bucket hat for the summer this is maybe my obsession um uh i've been vaguely interested in buying a bucket hat pros and cons i don't know if you guys want to sorry so ferris will cut that out but i'll just mute him does he even know he's muted all right fine you want to speak your piece with a bucket hat so the other thing about bucket Does he even know he's muted?

All right, fine. You want to speak your piece? What, with a bucket hat? So the other thing about bucket hats was... You were just going on that entire time. Yeah, I don't know. I felt like I should... I felt like it was maybe going to be the summer where I did that. Would you do string or no?

No strings attached? I guess I would do... I like the string. I do like the string look. It's kind of like a fisherman's hat or something. Like a little floppy outdoorsy adventure hat. But like a panama hat that's cool really well yeah i mean it's diversifying your wardrobe portfolio is ideal you mean that well i mean you now you reek of desperation so i'd kind of just like don't want to actually really needed to fucking hear that man

because i was muted i don't think you're gonna wear the bucket i wanted to uh you don't think i'm gonna wear it no all right you're at home in connecticut because jill left you not because you're trying to get away from new york and the big the big change you promised her is just that you're gonna start wearing a bucket hat more i told you things would change for the better babe she's like that's not what i'm asking for i'm asking for clear communication and for you to work less like a mustache too um i like hats i've been doing i've been doing the headband thing as you can see but i also did a bandana one and i've been doing the beanie which was new for me never had the way summer beanies are hot thank you no like it's warm to wear them in the summer oh that's funny.

Yeah. No, I'm not making a joke. I'm just saying it actually makes you sweat. Like you start overheating because a lot of the heat that exits your head is trapped in under the beanie. No, what makes me sweat is like the like energy that you guys bring to these podcasts. It's just like when I do review, it's like we're feeding off each other, lifting each other up. And then I feel like Pyle's the only one on my side in this one why you've been texting me all podcasts saying how can we cut around this there's no way we can keep the oriole chat what the fuck is he doing abort abort abort and you think pile is the only one on your side well also pile won't shut up about fucking birds This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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eating these days? Sweets-wise. Confections. It could be anything. It doesn't have to be limited to sweets despite the etymology. I have a Oatly ice cream. So it's ice cream derived from oat milk, which is pretty good and dairy free. That's my current confection. And does it taste like oatmeal or like, or can you not really tell?

Actually, no follow up questions to that. Are you kidding me? So let's move on to the next one this is such bad conversation over conversation over it tastes fine don't worry about that i'm not worried on someone your own size buddy you said oat ice cream i'm trying to make it interesting i'm trying to ask some kind of question that's going to be engaging for the audience i have a daily croissant it's pretty bad for you every morning i know it's not good for me but it's my daily confection and it is also my daily obsession

okay and i'm actually it's my daily it's an aggression as well because i'm pretty aggressively hammering croissants every single morning so are you done for the show then every one of these it's going to be in a croissant how about no more follow-up questions, Jeff? Oh, my God. Pile. Pick on someone your own size. We're all about the same size. Eating a lot of Oreos.

Oreos or Oreos? Oreos. Actual Oreos, double-stuffed style. In milk, during TV, tv after dinner that's really sweet yeah also if you and kate ever need a third like i'm your guy what so just like hang out or sex or what the fuck is your problem you can't proposition pile on the fucking podcast pyle the other way that this works is that we record for four hours and then Ferris somehow gets 45 minutes out of this shit. Four hours?

That's so long. I mean, I feel like we're going to have to record for four hours to get anything worthwhile. But yeah, Amir, Jake, I've said the same to you, but the offer is always there. What? Oh, just for like a menage yeah yeah i think your offer only actually and that you'll never be invited to a threesome an orgy a sex party in this environment or out of it all right all right so a little bit of uh all right yeah all right so you want me to audition no i want you to drop it like Like it's hot, like it's hot.

Jill and I invited you to have a menage and you showed up drunk and high to her family's Passover and you said, is this a good time? Drunk and high at the same time drinking champagne on the airplane. No, I was out of my mind, yeah. Yeah. I wore a wedding dress to the reception.

Her grandmother was there i was fucked up i apologized to her but i don't know how much of it she got yeah well this is all directly related to me living by myself at my parents house in connecticut at the moment of course my current confection it's not a dessert so i do know that it's incorrect technically but i've been making these uh fun little ditties these little street tacos onion cilantro marinated chicken on a tortilla and did i mention there's a side of sauce chipotle or otherwise no rice no beans no ice and i don't scream for ice cream i'm cutting out dairy i'm cutting out sugar i'm adding in fat i'm adding in carbs i'm adding in protein i'm adding in birds no sugar but you're adding in carbs birds i said chickens also said carbs what makes them a street

taco what like how why is it a street taco because what's interesting because i'm home in ohio right now is that the asphalt kind of gets to the temperature that you need an oven or skillet to be so i'll kind of toast that is what i was afraid of on yeah on the driveway i was worried that you were that you were cooking the tortilla in your driveway yeah yeah and the chicken are you cooking that on the driveway it's kind of a sashimi deal it's sort of like a jadori raw chicken raw chicken and floor tortillas sorry my stomach's kind of hurting. I think it's the antibiotic. I don't think so.

The doctor came over and just saw what you were eating and immediately injected you with whatever was in his bag. Yeah, he never said it was a tetanus, but I assumed it was. You know what tetanus is, right? I only know it has something to do with lockjaw. It's when every muscle in your body contracts at the same time. Your bones snap and you bleed to death from the and you oh yeah just fucking inside flex on them you know what i mean no not flex on them not flex on them it's a very debilitating painful malady

it actually every literally every muscle including your face your lower body your back your shoulder it all tenses and you can't ever let up until you basically crack yourself in half so it's not like flexing like a hulk hogan thing all right brother it's actually it's incredibly no it's not swole it's painful it's that's fucking rad it's not check out my tri my my tetanus try my tricep that's the thing like imagine not having to do this ever like you just kind of have it for you instant gains so you're saying instead of going to the gym I just have to get bit by a bear no I'm not and that'll make you beefy

I don't think so I think you would die I think you would die from the bite and if you don't treat the wound you would die dummy thick jaw I don't think so girls also like a jawline so like the lock jaw they kind of locks it in place you know what I mean like then you got the flux also like a jawline so like the lock jaw they kinda

locks it in place you know what I mean like then you got the flux you got the jawline you got the abs yeah how do you think John Krasinski got

Jack Ryan Jacked Ryan tetanus that's right I don't think so Ferris cut all of this out so far current confessions has anybody done something a little bad i maced my mailman or mail woman

what basically it was a woman who was delivering mail and uh so part of the us yeah i have a door slot you did ask if i did anything a little naughty right i meant it's kind of like fun things like having a little too many oreos having you know staying up a little too late you pepper sprayed a public service worker well let me get there she pulled in the federal employee the slot yeah she puts the mail in the slot right that's a federal crime i i one second i'm not done talking because you wait till you hear the whole story i feel like you don't judge yet yeah yeah uh so i i tug i tug the envelope as she's putting it in kind of like a playful little back and forth and she knows luke so she's like oh luke luke is that you i was like i don't know is it luke is it not luke i'm biting the envelope right so it's like i'm i'm

resisting you're talking to her so she knows it's you and suddenly she's scared no but it's through the slot yeah it's through the slot we know that you're talking using your human voice so she would know yeah but i'm like oh luke's here with me oh he's grabbing the mail take a look take a look take a look oh my god it's so cute it's so funny and she's like no i can't look through the slot because one time somebody whatever maced me i'm like no it's not like that it's not like that check this out check this out but put your put your eyes up to the slot put your eyes up to the slot and she's like no i don't really feel comfortable doing that i think i have to continue on my route before and i uh i start knocking on the door but i'm on the inside that's just to throw her off because it starts to like

as soon as you you want to discombobulate your yeah not victim but someone who gets attacked so she's looking through the mail slot and i'm knocking on the door she's like hello who is it like almost like reflexively or like she's not really thinking clearly at this point right because like when have you been on the outside and someone knocks on the door right that's so bizarre it's bizarre behavior that's not what's weird about it you're blaming the mail woman like she like she tricked herself into getting maced so then yeah so i uh so then she finally against her better judgment i guess puts her eyes into the mail slot and i uh you guys will never guess what happened next you maced her you've said it i played a mace cd so that she can hear it through her eyes and what i did that day was make her weak because i knew she was a big fan and she hadn't

heard bad bad bad bad boys they make you feel so good you know you make me feel so good pile was right i was right to tell us to hold our judgment i don't know this is still weirdly predatory ferris make that louder I don't know. This is still weirdly predatory. Ferris, make that louder. Really mix that part. That's your confession. I don't have any confession other than I kind of,

I actually lied about how I got the dog bite. I was kind of taunting the bitch. That makes sense. Meat on my eyes, meat on my jaw. And I was kind of waking up the bitch that makes sense meat on my eyes meat on my jaw and i was kind of waking up it wasn't a dog i poked the bear you went to a zoo they're they're open right now in sugar and falls yeah they are and the biggest part of sugar and falls a tiny little northeast ohio town is the zoo so i kind of, no mask, no PPE, and I have the virus, obviously. Yeah, you came from LA.

You brought the virus with you. Yeah, but also I mailed you something, Amir. So open it fast, because I think the virus, I mean, it just might not hold it. The effect I wanted to have on you won't happen. The lady, wait. The mail lady's coming up, actually. So she might have it right now.

Hey, Carol. She's really excited to see you the guy that plays her a mace cd to her eyes i hope you have the new mace cd they didn't release a new one in between yesterday and today she pepper sprays me of course um do you have any current confection sorry confessions jake or um i i did something sort of i don't know if it's like a full-on no-no but i went my parents are um thinking about moving and i went to uh like rye another yeah to rye another like a house not too far away but they're like right in new haven and they i think they want to be further out into the country yeah uh and i went i saw the house and

i really had to pee and i had and i peed while i was at this person's house like i in the toilet and everything it was fine i think but maybe it's a little it's a little bit of a no-no like given you know, not, did you flush? Yeah, I flushed, but I was, I did think about not flushing cause I didn't want the agent showing the

house to be mad at me. That's always such a strange thing. Cause I'm always going to open houses just for the free food and you know, the divorcees. So I like, um, you know, I do much worse to a toilet and I never flushed because then it's like

everyone knows that you're that guy who was just in the bathroom right you upper deck you upper decked uh and at an auction in the canyon right yeah yeah so i was in the canyon and you kind of could feel the ghost of jim morrison and i also defecated in a tube and did you meet a divorcee that day i did it actually went really well um so i'm home now but when we come back we're gonna try and get drunch that's awesome as long as your uh superficial scar healed on your forehead because i bet she wouldn't like the fucking sight of you uh with that i'm just gonna lie that laceration that i saw yeah i'm gonna say that i got in a fight in

a biker bar and i said shea oh you should see the other guy so i've already kind of rehearsed the whole yeah i'm gonna she'll be like you went to a bar you got in a fight in a biker bar and I said, Shay, Oh, you should see the other guy. So I've already kind of rehearsed the whole, how I'm going to talk to her. And she'll be like, you went to a bar, you went to a bar during this pandemic. What the fuck is wrong with you? And you started a fight. That's the most dangerous thing you could do.

And then I'll be like, no, I didn't start a fight. Cause, cause I was, I know there's several different ways in going. If it goes that way, I'm like,

no, I'm just kidding. It's funny. Let's, and then we laughed together ideally. And if she doesn't laugh, then I kind of feel it. You didn't explain how it's funny.

You just said, I'm just kidding. And you assume she's going to start laughing regardless of the context funny you just said i'm just kidding and you assume she's gonna start laughing regardless of the context you say i'm just kidding it's funny and people will start laughing that's what you think will happen yeah it's about easing the tension i mean or something you wouldn't know much about right what are you talking about i played a may cd that was a tense that was a tense story i did not know what was gonna happen right and then if she's like well you shouldn't have been in a bar i'm like i wasn't i wasn't at the bar guess what i was i built a bar in my backyard and we kind of had a little family

social distance hang and then she's like well who's the biker fight i said who's the biker i was like it was actually a triker it was my niece denise and i said you said your niece gave you a head wound. And and you're saying that your head wound is nothing and compared with the other person's injuries. So what you're really saying is that you attacked your niece, Denise. I defended myself against Denise, my niece. I defended myself because that's what she was doing. She was trying to like she was grabbing onto one of my legs and like tugging at my shirt, asking me to go fix her trike. And I did.

But one of the pedals... How old is she? How old is Denise? How old are you if you're in 12th grade? A senior. She's a senior in high school. 17. 17 or 18.

I think she's 17 because she's younger. No, she's 18. You're 22. So you're roughly the same age as your niece she's riding a tricycle she was riding a bicycle she was riding a harley not a trike wait so she so you were at a biker bar we were at my house which version of the story are we in at my house i built a bar my niece denise who's not of drinking age but was on private property had a beer that. That's fine. That's fine.

She has a Vespa. And I was jealous. You said it was a Harley. You said it was a trike, a Harley, and a Vespa. She was a harlot for having a Vespa. I was riding the tricycle. Stop yelling. And I was insecure about having the trike.

All right? So how did the fight start? Well, the fight started over politics. She was saying, like, we need to defund the police. I was like, no, let's fucking get shit going here. And she's like, so do you agree or do you not? I said, I agree, but let's really get it going. And then she's like, what does that mean, get it going?

And then she started throwing facts at my ass, making me feel like I'm not well-read. I'm for the cause, but let's get it up and running. What cause are you for? It sounds like you don't even know. Just want more police? No, less police. Let's get the ball rolling. Let's get the tires over one foot in front of the other.

So maybe just like the least effective messenger for the cause is you giving the direction of, I like it. Let's get it going. Let's get shit going. You get it. So I kind of made a t-shirt and she was mad that I made the t-shirt like it let's get it going let's let's just get it going you get it so i kind of made a t-shirt and she was mad that i got made the t-shirt and it said let's get shit going because she said in 10 years we're not going to even know what that was for and i said what would you rather it said and then she said justice for all any of the number of people who have

tragically died and i said that would have been better and then she socked me in the eye i think you deserved it what about denise the niece for the mocktail name what about what about john cleese's niece denise what about that john sort of his niece a martini made with dirty rye in rye with orioles and Oreos current aggression I guess it would be coming from Denise so you actually did write this down yeah no way you remembered it I uh

I wrote it all on my palm like I'm at a swim meet explain that to me what's that? I wrote it on my palm like you're honest you're out of swimming unbelievable that it's come to this every week it's this every week it's three against one two against one i'm just trying to understand what that reference was i've been to swim meets and i don't understand the reference it seems like the last place you would want to write something on your body and then get in the pool it's true you write down the events that you're swimming so that you don't miss them because if you don't

get on the block and dive in you don't swim that sounds like just something you did it's just not like a universal truism for swim meets i had memorized the two events that you're in don't worry about like writing it down and then like after the first event i'm assuming the the ink is all gone about what what your future events have to be all right 25 meter freestyle 50 meter breaststroke uh you guys aren't getting it okay you guys aren't getting it i would i rarely swam in the meet because i wasn't fast enough so oftentimes coach would come up to me and just draw an x with a sharpie and it was sort of a hey you can kind of take off no one wants you here but some occasionally

somebody would be sick or somebody would be at a speech debate tournament so suddenly i had to be in a relay and they put me second or third because that's the least important part and so i'd kind of write down hey good job buddy second in the relay um and have you ever swum in the wrong direction because i actually dove in at the opposite end isn't there no pool there's no pool on the other side so you either dive into the pool or what you dive into like where people walk you like crack your head open on the side of the pool there's the blocks that you dive off and on the other side there's no blocks not only did i dive in on the other side i swam perpendicular to everyone else wrapped up in lane line like a

dolphin i was going yeah up and over the lane lines i kicked a guy from hudson in the eye disqualified our entire school the way you knew if you were gonna swim was the coach would walk up to you and draw the event on your body and you swam perpendicular to everybody else the roster was he went around and physically x'd people out he could just be like hey you're not racing today well i thought it was everyone on the team you were not a real swimmer on the team man this was either a fever dream or you're a terrorist it was a fever pitch because i was supposed to be on the baseball squad. But suddenly I took a wrong turn from the locker room and I walked straight out onto the deck. I'm in full pinstripe whites.

My ass is being admired by various Laurel and Hathaway Brown students. I dive into the pool, swim perpendicular. And like I said, I kick Rock Hudson from Hudson's eye. And you're wearing cleats cleats and slacks yeah i was the manager of the baseball current possession what are you guys into jake is it your hat um i'm not super into this hat it's actually a little flimsy i was very uh underwhelmed by your deadlines yeah i ordered online um hey kate look at kate there she goes um current possession i mean i'm gonna i'm the future owner of a of like a green fisherman

bucket hat that's kind of my that's that's my next possession oh you know what i did i was at target recently and i bought a pair of uh goodfellas pants oh yeah i highly recommend them i also just got some goodfellas pants they're great 29 bucks a lot of stretch lightweight some good structure too you don't what color did you find the light let's try to cool it with the with the follow-up questions okay that trying to relate to you. That's all I want to do. What are you holding on to? It looks like you're holding on the subway, yearning for a different day.

I'm holding on to a window. I opened a window. Enough with the questions. I know you're the host and you're allowed to ask a couple questions, but within reason, man. The pants are gray, but let's move on. Tread lightly is all. Fine. Somebody else ask a thing that rhymes with us-esh.

What do you mean? That's how the show is run every week. I've been on every episode and I've never heard any of those words. And especially not in that order. Current lozenge. This one. Oh no. I'm a Halls Deep.

I think he's actually choking. That's really good. Halls Deep is really good pile current possession i recently got an atv holy shit jake saw it that's right that is correct it is awesome do you just ride it for fun fun and and work i move sticks around i uh collect sticks you got a winch on that bench right you're pulling trees down a winch on that bench. What's a winch? Yeah. And a dump on that. Rump. Rump.

What's a winch? A windshield? No. Sorry. I don't know why I thought that. It's like a motor that you put in the front, like on your front bumper, and it's got like a steel wire and you can pull things with it. Remember Jurassic Park? Yeah. with it remember jurassic park um yeah that uh the guy that played newman on seinfeld when he's uh he's stuck in the rain and he tries to uh he gets he gets eaten by the dilapasaurus wayne night that's right uh do you remember that how he's sort of stuck in the in the muck and he

and he ties uh a little cord around a tree and he tries to pull himself yeah that's a winch bench sorry i don't know sorry you said you said you use it for work and then it was collecting sticks it's moving sticks around there's lots of sticks in the woods and i move them to a pile in the field where i i will burn them later so empire not a pile very good uh it's a pile it will be a pyre it's piles pyre it's piles pyre to be pyre empire the empire strikes sticks um huh nothing ferris cut that out no leave it in i really love empire uh you pile you what you gotta get is you gotta get you know how like you'll be in like a really like hippie part of town or like you're up in Topanga, or you're up in Woodstock, or Saugerties. Sorry, let me finish.

You don't have to chime in. Active listening doesn't help on a podcast. No, go ahead. Ferris, just cut Kyle's track for the whole episode. You've got to have an abandoned car almost, so it looks like you're going to around to fixing it but you won't so it's like you have a tarp over a mach 1 ford mustang or just like an old like f-150 and people are like they come over to there and they're like holy shit like that's uh you know that's whatever

car model is and you're like yeah daddy's gonna get around to it someday and then you kind of tap your buddy's wife tenderly on the rump and then it just causes like the whole night is ruined um it's a conversation any of us chime in yeah all of our tracks were cut for that entire diet track by the way ferris quit three weeks ago because you kept giving him conflicting post-production notes mid-episode, so I don't know who you're talking to when you say that kind of shit. I also directly address Ferris at the end of these when you guys

all sign off, and I just kind of like... You get to speak directly to him at the end of the episode. Also, why is it when Pyle goes on for like an hour and a half about like, what is it, bird hammocks? Like, no one says anything, but then when I say something for 20 seconds, Jake calls it a diatribe. They're hamm hammock houses first of all and secondly i don't know i think i think it's cool i think you know people tune in to learn something that's actually that's awesome andrew you're the man

thanks dude no you're the man actually they wouldn't mind shifting shifting the the whole show over from the head gum podcast to the empire strikes back or something like that's fine that seems like such a that's not a pivot that's a whole reimagination of what the show is like oh hold on one second jeff uh just imagine like what if that pilot sticks was an episode or something i don't know i'm just trying to i know there's it's kind of interesting to think about no it's not because that would just be like the sounds of like a crackling fire knock it off we. We can do like winch talk. Oh, the winching. Oh,

the winching hour. Yeah. That's perfect. That's really good. It's an hour and Jeff's not involved. And then maybe Jeff could do, if Jeff could, um,

code gumball and do all of like the dev stuff. Yeah. But I don't know how to do any of that. And then it's also like, yeah. Yeah. Winching hour is great, but I just don't know.

That could be a different show. That could be a separate second. Jeff. Yeah. If Jeff's not talented at anything, then there's a world where yeah, winching hour is great, but I just don't know. That could be a different show. That could be a separate show. One second, Jeff. If Jeff's not talented at anything, then there's a world where we... Because that's, yeah. Because Pyle's like good at hosting podcasts and knows how to code.

And Jeff is like... Good at hosting podcasts. He's a loser. He's not good at it either. He's a no man, man. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if Jeff's a loser, which he is.

You say that's cool to what you said. I'm just saying we're worried. We're always worried that you might die or something like bad happens to you but if that if we don't need you anymore then that like stress point is worried or like kind of hoping for because i remember at like the third year anniversary party you guys kind of like had a room that i wasn't allowed in and it was actually the bathroom so i kind of pissed myself in front of gabrus and they like kind of like like every,

I was laughing stock of the whole network, not only that, but also the whole city. Cause like he kind of made an local news and like, that was kind of one of the worst days of my life. So like the wishing hour with Andrew Pyre, that's good. Perfect.

It's really good. So what are you talking? I love it. And yeah. Okay. And then, and then we just get we fire old piss pants right that's funny didn't he piss his pants once yeah we're not calling

it out to his face that's so funny hold on he's still not that it matters but he's still here and listening i don't know why can we all jump to another zoom i think we can all well because i mean i'm hosting setting out the link i don't think you can kick me out i will see you guys there at that link cool all right sounds good um pal so yeah that link that just came through on that group text that we were talking about jeff on well for me it's just kind of see you over there later man oh so okay you're gonna yeah there we go yeah i'm gonna hop off um for sure they're pinging me so i'm gonna and then if you want to hit me with that zoom link yeah all right for sure um come on, Jamie.

That was a lot of, that was a lot of fun. Um, be sure to tune in the next week's episode. Uh, I don't know if I'll be on it or not. Uh, but, uh,

I don't know, man. It's like you try, you try so hard. You try to, you try to make good content and, uh, this is what you get. This is what you get. And, uh, thank you guys for listening. Uh, feel free to rate the fuck rate the show five stars on Apple podcasts and, uh, DM me or email, uh, HG pod at head gum dot com with any ideas you have for segments or people you want to have on. We can have podcasters on.

We can make crazy calls again. John Mayer will be on the show. It's not a matter of if it's a matter of when. And Amir, I think, kind of explicitly promised that to me. So we shall see. Arrivederci. kind of explicitly promised that to me. So we shall see. Arrivederci. Arrivederci. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Thank you.