The Headgum Podcast - 50: Cheugy (w/ Lauren Lapkus!)

Episode Date: May 14, 2021

Fellow Headgum podcaster Lauren Lapkus joins Amir, Marika, and Geoff to discuss Lauren's financials, Scottish independence, and CHEUGY!BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH!Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Are you gonna rap over it? Just give me a second. Now what you hear is not a vest, I'm rapping with my mom. She abandoned me at age nine and came back for my high school graduation. I was the valedictorian. I got ice cream to celebrate every A+. That's right, I got a five on my A push test, but I nearly died. On the way to the proctoring exam i drove a pickup truck into a bridge filled with preteens they've never seen

again they made a movie about the accident with a title at the end of the film that read the killer was never found i've lived with this secret for my entire freaking life i had a therapist who I told about the accident. She told me that she had to tell the authorities. And then I saw her on a separate bridge and I killed her with the car. It's happened to me twice in my life so far. And I would do it all again because I don't want to end up in the penitentiary even though it would help my rap career out so like that never happened but it's sort of this like it exists outside of time is what I was saying I'm sure it never happened it it sounded so specific huh it sounded very specific

and oh you want to hear the second verse? No. Jake Lowe. Welcome to another edition of the HeadGum Podcast. With us as always, Marika Brownlee on the sax, Amir Blumenfeld, co-founder, C... CCO? Chief Cultural Officer? Yeah, CLO, actually. Yeah, so it's like Electric Light Orchestra, but chief. Yeah, that's exactly right.

And joining us as never before is CBS Films' The To-Do Lists, Lauren Lapkus. Wow, I'm so glad you're mentioning that movie. I had one line. That's what just shot you onto my radar. It was unbelievable. Yeah. Thank you. We should say it's friday

may 7th 2021 um we meant to have you on lauren for the audit i was audited as the host of the show uh to become a better host and a better person and it and it worked uh wow yeah that's great yeah well i'm actually glad i'm catching you at this point then it'll be a comfortable ride it'll be like a slip and slide it's gonna be smooth sailing from here on out okay cool oh my god that was the biggest sip was that a Guinness? it went in your eye

that looks like a lukewarm pint of cold brew it went in my eye yeah he slammed it back it was a huge cut. A thick pint. The glass looked thick, too, in addition to the size of the glass. It looked like a Guinness almost.

Yeah. Well, you know, it's the freaking weekend, as they say. The week has gone poorly per usual. Let's start us off with the major key alert. Oh, my gosh. So loud. Dude, that was jarring. When you have a hard week, you was jarring when you have a hard

week you have to plan things that make it that much easier that weekend i don't know if you guys know this yes yeah so it's it's your time to let a load off to kind of relax to sink into the couch as it were um do you guys have weekend plans is my first question. Um, wow. Do I, Oh yeah. I'm going to a zoom wedding. Wow. Wow.

Are you going, are you zooming? I'm attending for my computer. This is my fourth zoom wedding that I've been to in COVID. It seems like I've been to a few. Yeah. It's not necessary, right?

Like you're by yourself and now I have to be on a computer while this is happening. Just like send me a video. I don't have to watch a live stream of the ceremony. That's interesting. The worst part of a wedding. No, I don't know. I love, I love to hear vows. Totally.

No. Yeah, me too. I've been to a couple that were done really well where like they had hired a company where there's like cameras everywhere and it's like very like highly produced where like you can see everything really well and hear everything. And then I've been to one that was not that way. And it was like it like I like missed the vows and like they were really far away and like the laptop was open like really far away from that. And so it was kind of but that was like really early in the pandemic before people understood, I think like what could be possible. Yeah. The future,

the future of Zoom weddings when all weddings are on a Zoom. Don't get me wrong. It's better than like traveling to a wedding. Like that's also really bad. So it is nice to not do it. The moment when you log out and you're just at home

and you're like, all right. That was it. I did my part. You don't have to like small talk with anyone. Yeah. That's great. And you don't have to give them a gift.

That's the best part. Well, you do have to give them a gift. No, I best part. Well, you do have to give them a gift. No, I'm saying, yeah, you do have to, but like in general, you don't have to, have to. Wink, wink. Tipping is optional. You can give the gift up to a year, right? I'll get it later. And then eight months out.

Yeah, you have time. I forget. Yeah, you've been outdoor dining all year. You've been kind of maskless at Salazar. It's been kind of rude to waiters. No tip. The whole shabazz that's right i'm sure i'm trying to put out there that we're not living in a pandemic another huge huge sip

of the coffee i don't know what that is it doesn't look cold it's cold brew but it doesn't look cold let's see it i got the cold brew because it's like you know and now this is this is not condensation from the the coldness that's steam from the, yeah, scalding. The humidifier. Yeah. Confusing science. Yeah. Sorry.

Anyone else doing anything fun this weekend? I mean, that's my only plan. Zoom wedding. Are you going to dress up? I might put on like, you know, a shirt that looks a little nicer. Yeah. You know, it's kind of just like play it by ear sort of thing see what i'm in the mood to do because they're i've seen people do whatever they want in the audience portion of it like some people are like fully relaxed and other people i i've

gotten dressed up and i've i went to one that was on halloween i put on a wig but then i felt kind of crazy just on zoom in a wig so then i took it off halfway through just the like the conceit of a zoom wedding that you are then like at some point when everything's over going to have the like reception or the fun part oh yeah i think um one of this one that i'm going to tomorrow is in person but i'm not attending but now enough people are vaccinated that they're doing it in person yeah a little half and half yeah what'd you say you can do zoom i i said a little half and half oh yeah like a little no it's not i meant a little bit like an arnold palmer half tea half lemonade half in person now i feel like i interrupted lauren but you did and like you're

dragging me with you i all i was i I was agreeing with her as she was talking. Lauren, I'm so sorry about Amir. Continue. I genuinely don't care and I don't even know what I was talking about. That's the tagline to this show. You heard it here first. Jesus Christ.

You absolutely heard it here first. What the fuck? Now's the perfect time. Lauren, what do you have to plug? This is not the end of the show, but just get it out. Now is the perfect time? Seven minutes in. to plug this is not the end of the show but just get it out now is the perfect time seven minutes in

the worst time to plug not at the top not at the bottom I don't want it to get lost I want everyone to right now leave this podcast and go listen to

Freedom and Newcomers Freedom is the show I do with Paula Tompkins and Scott Aukerman where we just talk about our lives and play games and then with

Newcomers it's me and Nicole Byer. This season, we're watching all of Tyler Perry movies for the first time. It's fascinating. It's fun. And it's insane. Have you guys talked about his Oscar win? Yes, we did.

We did. We did that in our News Medea segment, which is News Media. That's really good. News Medea. And we got to cover that. And there's always something going on with Tyler Perry. He's got some news every week. I mean, really, he's churning out hits.

Yeah. I bet he's rich, right? If you think about it. I bet he has like a three bedroom or a four bedroom. He has an 18 bedroom. He has a billion dollars. He can afford to buy in West Hollywood, I think. He bought in West Hollywood.

I think he could. What? Well, Meghan Markle stayed at his house, you know. So it's probably like at least a two if he has plus an office. Totally. I'm saying he's loaded. Yeah, for sure. Obviously.

No one's arguing with you, right? Oh my God, are you kidding me? It's not even a fold out. Markle didn't have to sleep on a futon. What? Oh, yeah. Can you imagine if they really were just in some small house during that, like kind of walking over each other and, you know,

getting in each other's way in the kitchen? Yeah, I'm going to zoom from the living room so you can stay in the bedroom. Yeah. What are you doing, Jeff? You're pulling up satellite imagery. It's like showing us what the world looks like. Have you guys figured this shit out?

It's actually kind of awesome. You can see anywhere in the world on google maps if you tap satellite yeah so you're looking for what i was trying to find their house because it is it's you're aimless no it's an it is an absolute museum house uh but you're just clicking any part of the map like there's no part of you you could type in an area and search that. How can you possibly focus? It's moving so fast and rapidly. He's just clicking. It's like watching someone play SimCity. I mean, it's got to be one of these, right, Laticus?

I don't know. You're clicking too much. I don't know. I'm going to throw up from watching this map going on. Here we go. A podcast where the guests get nauseated to be here. I don't know. I'm going to throw up from watching this map going on. Let's just, here we go. Hang on. A podcast where the guests get nauseated to be here. Forget it.

What a bad sell. Wow. And you gave up as quickly as you launched into it. It was so intense. So unnecessary. Sorry, did you just say launched? Did you just say launched? Is that like a keyword? That's the word of the week.

That's absolutely the word of the week. What's your Venmo? That's $1,000. I'm not going to say it on here because people try to get me to send them money. I'll bleep it out. I swear to God. Is it just... What is it?

I refuse to accept $1,000 from you. It feels really wrong. That's really nice. That's very nice of you. I don't know if you've heard of Bonfire Coin, but I've actually made several thousand dollars in the last 48 hours. So... Wow.

I can afford it Lapkus not coming up Venmo got suspended last week and I did get suspended from Venmo last week but I'm back baby wow actually what's your give us your trust wallet eHash and he'll send you the bonfire coin directly

that way we don't have to deal with USD I love that what's your BSC address what's that what's your bsc address what's that what's that what's a bsc that's the uh it's babysitter's club babysitter's club address so it's where you used to babysit um forget it we'll get it at the end of the episode um that's cool what is new in the uh world of crypto amir uh lots of of shit coins, meme coins, alt coins. Doge is having a moment. Elon Musk is hosting SNL

and everyone thinks that will drive up the price. So then they buy it and then that drives up the price. And then all these fools think that they were right because they actually are right. And it's this positive feedback loop

where seemingly there's no end in sight. Wow. I can't wait to watch his sketches. Yeah, he's going to be pretty good. He's been saying skits with a hard S on Twitter. I did catch that. Oh, my God. No, but so, Laura, do you have any money in crypto?

Do you have any? And then just aside from that, what's your actual net worth? I haven't done the whole cryptocurrency thing. I'm a little bit like, you know, I don't know what's going on with that. So, I mean, no, but a lot of my friends are making money. So I guess it's happening. I don't know. I feel nervous to get involved myself.

I don't really want to learn all about it. But I also feel like I'm missing out. Yeah. Well, for you, I feel like it's not a worry because... I mean, you're booking left then right. It's unbelievable. I mean, I'm like, I check your IMDb, like it's the New York Times front page,

and it's just like new project in development, new casting, you know? You can't check variety without laughing, man. It's unbelievable at a certain point. Yes, absolutely. So, yeah. i won't deny that i mean who is your agent john sacks uta yeah you know too much no this is the second time this has happened on this show because it happened

with caleb hair on i said rachel rush i I know like five agents because I used to intern for Rise Management. So you were actually with John Sachs. Because John Sachs was mean to me on the phone once. Well, it checks out. For you, I mean. For me? Yeah. I seem to run people the wrong way.

We don't fault anybody. Nothing about him. I'm saying, I'm guessing you were an asshole. This is an actual story that happened. Oh, this is real? Well, yes, that actually happened, but this also happened. I got dinner with a couple people at Salazar on Tuesday, fully vaccinated. So what you accused me of, yeah.

Yeah, that's a clear projection of what he's been doing himself. I guess write what you know, right? Oh, that's cool. Wait, wait, sorry. Do you mind if I write that down? No. I went to Salazar. They did not have any reservations,

so I went an hour early to put my name in, right? Okay. No one questioned it. Yeah, yes, right. And I walked up to the, finally my friends met me there, and I walked up to the hostess desk, and I like, hey, like I'll just so you know, like all of us are here. I put my name in like an hour ago. You said it would be an hour, but you haven't texted me yet.

And like I meant it as like I'm early. So like no worries. But like I'm not walking up because we're ready. But it came out as why didn't you text me yet and i thought about it i've been thinking about it every day yeah it sucks yeah it's probably okay what's that you make me not want to talk at all you are a silencer you yeah you're actively ruining the show that you host, which is difficult to pull off.

Yep, there it is. I'm back. That's so current. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, if you had an extra hour in your day, a lot of people would spend that very differently than the one sitting next to them. Maybe person A would go for a run, person B would take a nap, and patient zero would read a book. The point is, a lot of us spend our time and our lives wishing we had more hours in the day.

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Check it out. I mean, we're almost through the thick of it. I don't know what else to say. Lauren, are you fully vaccinated? I don't want to talk about vaccines. So you're anti. Anti talking about it. No, I'm not anti.

I'm not fully vaccinated yet. But I will be. I'm haxinated myself. Haxinated? Yeah, half vaccinated, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I thought there's like...

How about you, Jeffrey? I'm fully vaxxed. Moderna gang, obviously. Are you vaxxed and waxed? Because that's the new phrase I'm hearing. I've been saying waxy, vaxy, meaning as soon as you get that vax in your arm or what is it amir it's uh as soon as i get wacky wait it's as soon as i'm fully vaxxed i'm getting my ass waxed and i do want to do that um was that avital

who just sneezed yeah she was sneezing in the other room i was gonna yell bless you but then i realized you guys would hear it and then it would pick up on the microphone can you tell her that i say bless you or at least gazintite uh bless you from jeff this thing from jeff great um thanks jeff and not i'm fully vaccinated i do want to i do actually want to get something waxed for the uh you should get like your upper lip wax it would just be weird i feel like that'd be super painful because isn't it areas that you shave it gets thicker that's what they say you know i don't know if that's

really a true thing i don't feel like that's true yeah it feels like i don't feel like when i shave my legs my hair grows in thicker like it's just like yeah i don't think that when I shave my legs, my hair grows in thicker. I don't think that's true. That's what they told little girls to scare them from shaving. So it's like an old wives tale. Yeah, exactly. It's all just to keep you scared. The upper lip does not hurt. Really?

No, that's fine. It's like, you know, when you get into your vagina, that's when it starts to really start to burn a little bit. I've read that. True story. I got my ass waxed when i was in high school because i could why because i could drive so i was like the cheeks no the inside sorry what he wanted to drive faster so he got his hair taken off his ass hairless assless chaps hanging out of my mom's mazda roddy that's a mazda mazda roddy yeah damn daniel um all right we have to move on to our next next segment welcome to another edition of thunderdome welcome to the Thunderdome.

I don't like that. We, this is a segment, Lauren, that we debate hot button issues on topics that we aren't qualified to talk about. Great. Scottish independence. Let's wax about it.

What are you doing? You said that you would, you would put some extra thought and care into this episode because, you know, Lauren's a special guest and we don't really have special guests all that often. Now's a great time to plug the back catalog of With Special Guests, Lauren Lapkus. Yeah.

You can access that on Stitcher Premium, but if you really want to support me directly, I have a Patreon and I am uploading old episodes of With Special Guests there as well. Ferris, cut that out. I could cover it, not with a bleep, but with me talking about

waxing my asshole again. Yeah, let's take old audio of me talking about it in August and put that over there as a band-aid. Scottish Independence. What we're looking at polling-wise

is that over 70% Let's, yeah, let's wise up for a second. This is real. Over 70% of millennials and younger Scots, 35 and under, believe that splitting off from the UK would be beneficial to the country. Specifically, we're talking about Boris Johnson's conservative right-wing premiership, right? He's driving the United Kingdom down a deeper, darker hole than we've already seen in centuries previous. But on the other side of the spectrum, you have older Scots, you know, primarily elites landowning, you know, who are concerned about the economic instability that independence might bring forth slash towards forwards.

I feel like I'm at a bar and you just walked up to me and I'm like, fuck. Like, how do I get out? That's the perfect metaphor for this podcast. I'm wearing an Argyle sweater vest. Yeah. That should be our iTunes description. Marika.

What? Just feel free to time it at any time. Yeah. You want me to wax about a topic that you prepared only for yourself? Yes. To talk about? There's no way you had that. Yeah, I was talking.

You did some research. Yeah. Yeah, I was talking. You did some research. Yeah. Yeah, I was talking. And? Yeah, you were. Next topic. You did talk a bunch. That's crazy.

Yeah. For the host to talk that much is not good. That was so weird. And it was like, there was no way for us to ever, you know, chime in because like we didn't know what was going on at all. That's right. And the cadence. There was barely any pauses except for a time when we weren't supposed to respond you do this thing where you pause in the middle of your sentences and then it

like never lets us go in because and then it's like you're talking about the next sentence and then by the time you're done you're already talking about the next sentence so like yeah yes no but it's so funny great impression impression. Trick you picked up. And you kind of said everything that needed to be said and then opened the floor for other comments. All right. Not going how I thought this was going to go. I thought there's going to be a healthy debate. Yesterday, the Scots voted to elect members of Scottish Parliament. Right?

Okay. I don't know. Right. I don't know. I don't want to say right. Because what if we're wrong i'm not educated on this could be gotcha journalism i mean correct this would have been last thursday uh but anyway polls are suggesting that the majority of scots in general let's forget age

brackets for a second are supporting pro-separatist candidates um and that's funny yeah you keep giggling as a nervous tick but like what is funny about this do you know the nuances of that like do you actually why are you smiling while you tell us i'm just did you study abroad there for three months like 20 years ago and you're like yeah i got it i got a flat tire in the scottish highlands on a rental car um that must have been a really like moment that really shaped you yeah well because it the thing about it it proved to me that i can handle pressure because you know i'm on the phone with sixth rent a car and they're like this is gonna cost you a thousand dollars unless you have our

road assist aside assistance person come and i'm like when when can they come and they're like this is gonna cost you a thousand dollars unless you have a road assist aside assistance person come and i'm like when when can they come and they're like well we're closed tonight so i'm like no i'm just gonna take it to a mechanic and they said if you take it to a mechanic we're gonna charge you fifteen hundred dollars i said i need to get i'm not gonna sleep in the car and uh anyway we're getting then what happened well know, cut to four years later and we're looking at, well, no, I'm kind of curious what happened that night.

Like, did you sleep in the car or did you go to a mechanic? We got a patched up by a mechanic. Uh, and then we drove to Glencoe house, which is the, and you paid $1,500 to six. I didn't.

My buddy James did. We split it three ways. Wow. Um, so you did a little bit. I did a little bit. I, well,

I never want to leave anybody hanging. I don't want to put anybody on leave anybody hanging I don't want to put anybody on the spot I don't want to like make anyone feel alienated financially or what are you talking about

it's the whole point of the show you put us on the spot you make us feel alienated this is you know financially I was alienated when we talked about

dogecoin yeah and then you offered to Venmo Lauren a thousand dollars she obviously didn't feel comfortable with that yeah that was really alienating

I don't know how that's alienating that's a gift that's a charitable donation i just didn't feel right about it all right well you know what she owes you something or something it felt like something was gonna come back to bite me if i took it right can i just say this sentence that i wrote because i was proud of it sure yep in a vacuum to be or not to be that one's taken by the way ask not what you can yeah uh listen in a vacuum this elect the election results don't prove anything that scottish independence is imminent right marika uh but it is another brick just another brick in the wall to speak uh that this post brexit decline of of the United Kingdom is just separating people further. I mean, this divisive rhetoric.

You think this is so funny. You wrote that and wanted to say it so much that you actually prefaced it with, can I read this sentence that I wrote that I'm proud of? Listen, there's layers to it because Pink Floyd is a British band. We have to move on. That one layer i got that we have that was a single layer oh this is the wrong song of course

oh my god I'm just saying it'll be an interesting tightrope for Boris Johnson to walk So long Great Welcome to Cheugy or Nah so long great welcome to chugi or nah have you guys ever played oh i just learned about i'm interested i just learned about chugi yeah and what is chugi well i'll get in it basically means basic i mean yeah please no no i'd love to hear your description no i just was told about this is a phrase that the young folks are saying and it means like basic like something like a live laugh love is chuggy but then people say lasagna is chuggy and then i started going like well then

what's chuggy so i might throwing my hat in the ring of like what i think is chugi i said babies wearing rbg costumes yes chugi that feels correct what's the origin of chugi i don't know it was like a word that some woman invented in high school in high school to like describe this and then it caught on through TikTok recently. Yeah, Chugi, it's an aesthetic moniker, Blumenfeld. It's taken off on TikTok. Lauren described it perfectly. Some examples of Chugi, live, laugh, love artwork,

nautical themed bathrooms, barstool sports. Chevron pattern. Yeah, argyle sweaters, I would say. Life's a beach life is good um it's it's both tangibly recognizable like you can put your finger on it but it's also elusive you have to like know about chugi so i thought it'd be fun to i'll just shout out some things and you say whether it's chugi or nah okay some things that are decidedly non-chewy by the way marika uh birkenstocks right vintage decor found at like an estate sale uh making your own wine um etc etc are you guys

ready okay okay this is uh yeah okay this is there's no right or wrong answer. I just thought we could wax. Low rise jeans. I think nah. I think nah. I think they're coming back. Yeah, I think they're coming back. Unfortunately. And I think like if you'd been wearing them six years ago, maybe it's chewy. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

But yeah, I think we're good. Did men ever have low rise jeans? Well, are these low rise? I don't know what low-rise means. You're naked, dude. What the fuck? Oh, my God. Put your fucking pants on.

You've been leading up to this so you can get off to this or some shit? You just let us into Chuggy or NOS and show us your fucking bongs? What the fuck is wrong with you? This is fucking sick. You psychopath. Yeah, you know what? This is, this is, because it's all audio. So now people think I'm a sex criminal, right?

Yeah. No, no, I'll just say I'm just kidding. In court. I don't know what, like, what constitutes low rise? I know high waist when I see it. No, like low rise on a guy I feel like is like sagging jeans, which is like a different, totally different thing.

Yeah, that's not the same. I don't know. But that's, you know, is your butt hanging out? That's the question. Often, yeah. But please don't show us. Okay.

Is exposing yourself on a podcast choogy or nah? Choogy. It's not choogy. It is illegal your honor my client was choogy obviously sorry he was being a little choogy this whole courtroom is choogy the jury loves it fuck this case this courtroom is choogy you're cho, you're choogy, you're choogy, you're choogy. They all stand up and go, shee. Shee. Shee.

Shee. No. Shee. Shee. Shee. Why do I feel like there's five more people here? Shee. Shee.

Shee. What about buying your favorite sports team jersey like a really expensive authentic version choogy um you said choogy i think it's yeah i think it's i feel like that's not choogy i don't want it but i'm just saying if that's what you like I don't think that's that's like passion yeah sports it's a different level of blame that would have been a better game chuggy or passion yeah I feel like if it's something like if it's

like one that you wouldn't wear that you would hang up on a wall and frame or something maybe then it's not true but if you're wearing those out and about what if you're wearing like uh a lot of people wear like cool random players one second we're playing two gear now um that's cool all right what about color me mine style so wait one second or we're going past what i was about to ask oh yeah like are we gonna come back to it i think time ran out on the game or the whole show i'm just like on what he was saying like it seemed like you were like kind of on a time crunch no

way i started talking it was like two seconds and then he cut me off and he said one second i mean now we're definitely past the limit because yeah because he cut me off and then you sort of piled on to that and now i feel like we're out of time but i think you're dominating the discourse so you do feel like we're out of time i mean now we are but like all i had to say was really quick i could even say it right now instead of we're having this conversation why don't you try like this is like this is like on tv when like someone's like they're about to say something really important they get interrupted and then they just like don't say it it's like you could just talk over that person and say what you're going to say

but I feel bad interrupt do you want me to say you I'm not don't talk over me I'm saying like if that's just kind of the example yes okay so now that you're done talking I'm going to ask ready okay what about if you're wearing like a basketball jersey that's not like oh I'm wearing a LeBron James jersey but it's like oh I'm

wearing this old vintage like 1992 Eddie Jones jersey to coachella or something like that is that i feel like if you're going to coachella that's choogy yeah yeah because that that falls under the bar what's that for sure i was agreeing because i want to be agreeable it's i should be called coach sorry one second by the way i'm looking to unload weekend two he muted me yeah all right um color me mine style pottery chugi agreed yeah yeah i think it'll come back around though yeah i think in like five years that'll be like really

funny and like ironic and then cool what about wheels spinning your own you guys really like is there a zoom delay or is this just how you guys are this is some people are like in sync you know you have that one two

connection Kobe Shaq it's the it's the inverse of that. Oh, we might be signing a new lease, we should say, on a new Hedgum office in ***, Lauren. We shouldn't say, and also... It'll be exciting. Yeah, we don't have to like say insider, like, oh my God, so much of that coffee has been drunk

in the last 14 minutes. That can't be good for you. You must have had a pint of cold brew. Yeah how did it go away so quickly i think it's the sips that he takes are so big they're huge um that's crazy lapgus you know right don't say the exact location don't make the information it has i unreal it also might not. Yeah. Yeah. Bleep. That's exciting. Yeah. It should be.

If it happens, it'll be exciting. But Jeff won't know first because, yeah, you're not supposed to talk about it out loud on a podcast for sure. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. I would say it's almost written in the stars. Like, definitely count on it. I would put in your, like, own contact thing on your phone.

Put your work or one of your works okay so that you can just type work on google whatever and then you know it comes on apple carplay obviously and then it just nabs you there what's next uh harry potter for sure what about harry potter world world Cheugy I would argue that's not Cheugy I feel it's less Cheugy excuse me it's less Cheugy than the whole thing but it still is Cheugy and like

the idea of me putting on a striped scarf and glasses and running around fucking an amusement park is Cheugy I feel like if I feel like if you're going with the intention of just going to Harry Potter world, then it's Chugi. But if you just go into Universal to have a day, I agree. I'm fine with that.

If you wander into Harry Potter world, that's not Chugi. Yeah. You know, how do you spell Chugi? Because I'm just I'm Googling it now and it says it's a Japanese anal cleaning tool. So is it not C-H-U-G-I? Was it named after? Are you ordering one? Well, I mean, I have a bidet that I really like, but I don't necessarily need a specific Japanese anal stick to clean my ass.

But at the same time, how do you spell chugi? Because I don't see anything about it being basic, and all I see is this ancient... How do you spell it? I searched A-S-S cleaning chugi, Ass cleaning Chugi. And it came up. But how do you do your Chugi? Is it not like that? How do you do your Chugi? How do you Chugi? Let us know.

Hashtag Chugi at HeadGum at HeadGum Podcast. Let us know. I think it's C-H-U-G-E-Y. Correct. Oh, I see. Well, is the ass cleaning Chugi Chugi or not? That's not that's not yeah all right what about unscented votives chugi yeah even though i have some but ultimately chugi at the end of the day, it's Cheugy. What about Uncertain Motives? Not Cheugy? I'll agree.

Okay, cool. Well, we do have to move on. Okay. Oh, my God. We didn't. Yeah. Don't act like you're disappointing us by saying we have to move on. We weren't enjoying that.

I know that you wanted to keep going Cheugy or not, but we do have to move on. We weren't enjoying that. I know that you wanted to keep going, but we do have to move on from that. Oh my God. Lauren Ferris will cut this out, but do you think I should cut my hair? This is the longest it's ever been, and I don't really know. I don't mind it. You don't mind it?

Okay. You're going to be the deciding vote. My friends are split down the middle. Just like your hair. What's that? Just like your hair, asshole. I guess I would say, what do you typically do to your hair? Nothing.

Like, you typically just cut it really short, like, with some length on it. Like, a mirror's length or, like, you know on like what like a mirror's length or like you know kind of like a mirror's length um this is like i mean that was as good a time as any right to kind of here we go look you know what you should do oh wait okay so that's you that's me yeah you have a mask on it's hard to tell in this picture this is three years ago he just had a mask on. Performing surgery that day. That's why he's right here. I like it long.

I like it long. Okay, cool. That's all I needed to hear. All right. I think it looks cool. Very special segment. Amir knows what's coming. Shall we?

What's up? I don't know what you're talking about. All right, here we go. Oh, boy. This. we go oh boy this this is jeopardy wow these categories our categories are the blind side Lauren's personal life department stores there's two more you did not stick you didn't stick the landing and then the last two are

Stanley and L.L. Bean department stores this is so normal that's a really good audio sting you can add that to the next time you bring that that little uh soundboard you wow this is so normal um oh my god i can't wait to play okay so uh lauren your team one marika your team two uh mirror your team three this is for actual cash so the numbers you're seeing on the board shouldn't what's that it shouldn't be you're

not liquid enough um you can win up to x amount of dollars whatever this is so is it in pennies or dollars this is it's usdt so that's us dollars tether which is a crypto that is equal to the value of the u.s dollars so just dollars got it um all right uh but it's unusable like to any like i don't know how to use that exactly yeah you'd have to open a kraken account just to accept yeah this is just a bunch of bullshit okay so let's do it let's do this all right uh lauren why don't you start us off uh i i have to go to lauren's personal one of the first commercials lauren did incorrect uh anybody want to steal anybody want to hashtag stop the steal

what is lauren's favorite candy bar that's absolutely correct the correct answer is what what is Lauren's favorite candy bar in the whole wide world? Because we have to assume that you would never sell a product that you don't enjoy yourself. I do love Snickers. Okay. Why didn't you say that?

You would have gotten $100. I guess, I don't know. It didn't really feel like my personal life so much. Stanley for two. Amir controls the board. Stanley for 200. Tools. Ding.

What is a drill? That's incorrect. It really sucks to watch you go over and click the wrong button and then hear the wrong sound. I haven't been able to figure out a better way of doing this.

That's interesting. You can share one once. Yeah, share one window. That's okay. She'll teach you about it later. Oh, yeah. I can do that. Okay, cool. Here we go. Yeah, this is like a dress rehearsal now for an actual podcast that we're currently

recording. We don't know what tools is. Is it like a type of hammer or wrench or something called Stanley? You don't even want to try and... Okay, that's actually... Can I try? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is a brand of tools? I'll give you that one.

I'll give you that one. That is, what is the most Stanley brand of tools? Wow. So tools is the answer. In a way. Lauren controls the board. Okay. I'll take the blind side for 300.

This is the Sandra Bullock movie from 12 years ago. Correct. For sure. Academy Award for best sound mixing. Ding. Yes. Lauren. What is the blind side?

What did the blind side win at the Oscars? that's incorrect marika do you want to steal no marika was definitely gonna say the blind side we don't know who actually won uh that year so you can't even name another movie from 2009. Try to name a movie from 2009. What a weird. Argo. I guess I would say, what did The Blind Side not win? Holy shit. That's absolutely correct.

It's what is the award The Blind Side was snubbed for. Lauren's winning $500 fucking dollars right now, and I don't have that kind of cash, so this is really shitty. Okay, well, you were about to send me $1,000, but okay, that's fine. Lauren controls the volume. Okay, so I'll do Lauren's personal life for $200.

All right. Andy Buckley. I mean, ding. Yes. Who was Lauren's co-star in Jurassic World? That's absolutely incorrect. Like, it's on paper true, but it's not the answer and i'm so sorry to say anybody wants to yeah who was lauren's first workplace crush

we never met by the way i'll give you that one i'll give you that one the correct interest who is lauren's best friend in the whole wide world wow we've met once briefly you know he used to be a stockbroker that's how he kind of got that air about him L.L. Bean for 300 L.L. Bean for 300 L.L. Bean's Freeport main headquarters ding? yes Lauren

what is where L.L where ll bean stuff is made that's again on paper correct but not the answer we're looking for anybody want to hashtag stop this deal ding marika can i uh what is uh jeff's ideal vacation home i'll give you that one the correct answer answer is where does Jeff plan on proposing to his future wife? Oh my God. All right, Marika controls the board. We should give a quick score update. Lauren's leading the pack 500

and Amir and Marika tied for second at 300. We should also say that you only win that cash if you come in first. So it is a race. Okay. I'll take department stores. I gonna say 200 i accidentally tapped it a department

store at which jeff has several hundred dollars worth of store credit ding yes what is a dillard's that's what i was gonna say that's incorrect but it's so damn close. Amir? What is Brooks Brothers? That's not a department store, you fucking idiot. Lauren? What is Macy's? I'll give you that one. The correct answer is what is Kohl's, but they're kind of one in the same. That's not the same at all. That's not a department store.

But I'll take the money. You yelled at me because mine was not a department store. Is Kohl's a department store? Kohl's is not a department store alright well I have Kohl's cash and I don't know what to fucking spend it on so get a duvet cover I have two duvets so that I can swap them in and out and I don't have to wash them and have it

ready that day I can just take them off put them back on what did you say that's very mature of you I said that's smart thank you um I don't's smart. Thank you. I don't know what else to say. Lauren controls the board. Well, I got to go for Lauren's personal life for 300. Are you sure you want to do this one?

This is audio. That's all it is, is audio. Don't belittle. Is it just the word audio? Is there actual audio? This is not usually how Jeopardy goes, by the way. It's just one word. This is barely how Jeopardy goes. And the way. It's just one word. This is barely how Jeopardy goes.

And then you have to create an entire question. Yeah. I guess I'll say, what is the medium in which many people listen to Lauren? I'll give you that one. It's what is Lauren's favorite thing in the whole wide world? Audio. Or is that $1,000? She's listening to Pattern.

I'm crushing it controls the board the blind side for 200 please okay 28 days I mean yeah what is the movie that the blind

side lost to you're thinking of 127 hours and no. I wasn't but what is Sandra Bullock's other movie that people know slash the amount of time it took to film The Blindside?

Oh. I'll say How Long The Blindside Was The Number One Movie in America? All wrong. The correct answer is how long was the DVD for the blindside available at blockbuster oh my god can't be

it truly is a Sandra Bullock movie it was only available for less than a month I don't believe that damn Daniel right it's kind of crazy Marika controls the board for some reason. All right. Let's go Stanley for 300.

Are you sure you want to do Stanley for 300? Yeah. Okay. MC Hammer. Like his real name? That's correct. Who is the only rapper named Stanley? I was asking you to clarify i didn't

actually get all right sure give it to me um everyone controls the board let's go to six department stores for 300 department stores for 300 a department store where you can find the bustiest clothes um i don't want to participate everyone that's correct what is JC Penney no what is I don't even get the fucking buzzer but see I don't think you know what a department

store is so I'm going to say what is Lane Bryant I really want to give you that one but that's incorrect can I say what is Lane Bryant? I really want to give you that one, but that's incorrect. Can I say what is Kohl's? We already did that. Don't say we already did it like it isn't an option

that you could still have that be the answer. The correct answer is Nordstrom Rack. Jesus. And so how did you figure out that they have the bustiest clothes? It's in the name. Oh. Oh, Jesus. Amir,'s in the name. Oh. Oh, Jesus. Amir, you control the board. I think I'm gonna be sick.

LL Bean for 200. LL Bean for 200. $936.32. Ding. Yes. What is how much money jeff spent on his last that's correct what is the most amount of money jeff has spent in one purchase at ll bean what did you buy i bought this would have been uh irish wool cable knit sweaters for sure this would have been waiters because i went fly fishing on the day this would have been bean boots the duck boots um yeah this would have been waiters because i went fly fishing on the day this would have been bean boots the duck boots um yeah this would have been uh i might have even gotten a throw blanket and

that would have been a reverse weave throw for a an accent chair um i'm trying to think because that doesn't that there's no way all of that adds up to 936 because what you have to understand about l.l. bean is that they are fairly priced and they're fairly nice when you go into the store is this an ad all right Marika controls the board um let's do

department stores for 100 department stores for 100 a department store for the divorce slash sinewy. So I guess it's like a play on the name, like the Nordstrom Rats. And you'd think it was that? Yeah, but Kohl's wasn't. It's absolutely not. It's not. Okay, so

I'm going to say Ding. Bloomingdale's. That's incorrect. I'm so sorry say Ding. Bloomingdale's. That's incorrect. I'm so sorry. Ding. Yeah, Marika? Belks. Where?

Belks, B-E-L-K-S. It's not Belks. Marika only names places that are in Ohio exclusively. Absolutely. It's absolutely an apartment store, but whatever. Amir, do you want to wager a guess I don't know that would have been better I should have said department store for the emaciated and then it would have been

but no this is Dillard's this one was Dillard's alright who wants it I don't I mean because nobody got it right Stanley for 100 Stanley for 100 stanley for 100 morgan stanley morgan stanley ding who is morgan stanley no way i's not Morgan

Stanley. Okay, so wait, what is JP? What is JP? Ding, what is the family that Sonia Morgan cares so much about on Real Housewives? I'll give you that one. The correct answer is what is

the most Stanley bank? Okay, L.L bank um okay i'll be elebean for 100 we have two more here we go land's end ding what is elebean's biggest competitor i'll give you that one uh what is a lesser cheaper dumber sadder more sulfuric uncalifornianian, godless, thoughtless, immoral, illegal, joyless, overstated, unwarranted, unsmiling, and frankly gauche version of L.L. Bean, whose founder, despite being in his early 90s, should be tarred and feathered in the town square. Oh my

God. Wow. Do you love L.L. Bean? L.L. Bean was started in 1912, and it's obviously thrived since then. Don't know that, right? It started in 196312, and it's obviously thrived since then. Don't know that, right? It started in 1963, and they basically sell the same bullshit. So, kind of pissed.

All right, the only one left is The Blind Side for $100. Mark Livolsi. Ding, who is not in The Blind Side? I'll give you that. That's who is the editor of the 2009 feature film The Blind Side. I mean, I don't know what else to say. Lauren, you just won over $1,200. Let's add that one thing there.

That's $1,300. Congratulations. Thank you so much. I can also sell you the cash if you don't want to give me your... That'd be perfect. This is Jeopardy! that game was pretty fun but it made me miss Alex Trebek

sorry it's so loud it's hard to hear sometimes I miss the original host Alex Trebek I feel like he did a much better job with like the way it went before you know the way the games really played yeah in case anyone couldn't hear me I was sorry a lot of times your questions were just like much better job with like the way it went before you know the way the games really played yeah yeah

in case anyone couldn't hear me I was sorry because like a lot of times your questions were just like like the answer would just be like a word and then like you're supposed to create like a full vague question surrounding that like it just doesn't that's not really how that game works I wish you and Trebek switched

places in terms of hosting in terms of where in terms of death in terms of where you are right now hell and then here I wish you two would switcheroo he's Canadian he's in hell and I'm in a handbasket

Canadians all go to heaven and you've always said that I've always said that let I'm in a handbasket. Canadians all go to heaven. And you've always said that. They're like dogs. I've always said that. Let's slide in a quick Brownlee's Druthers here. What you say? Marika takes the reins. And I thought you'd say, what you say?

All right, one minute on the board. Before we head home here, Marika is taking the reins. This is rude, frankly. Because I don't have anything prepared. Wow. This is a segment where Jeff

hands over the reins of the show to me and I can't do anything about it. I have no choice. I think that I... Okay, here's my question. I've been watching a lot of TikTok videos of people making rugs with like tufting guns. And I'm trying to decide if it's too late to get into like a very indoor hobby right now.

I don't think it's too late. I feel like we're not going to open up as much as everyone is wanting to. I think that everyone's ready to just jump back into the world. And I think you have a total right to stay home many nights of the week and just do your little tufting. Just make my little rugs and I, you know could sell them that's yeah thanks that'd be fun too sounds awesome yeah any any other thoughts besides that you put me on the spot to come up with something to talk about i thought it was interesting thank you i thought it was interesting too

i mean whatever lauren, I think so. Wow. Amir? I could have really controlled that right there, but I did. I like the commercial aspect of it. Trying to sell rugs is, you know, exciting. You can call it that's tough. You do love money. Yes, I love money.

That's cool. And cash, yeah. We're a built tuft, so it's like durable rugs tufted hand by hand I think that's our time right I don't know if durability that is our time

we should get into the plugs Lauren what do you have going on what do you want to point the people to the floor is yours go okay so I guess I would just direct everyone back to like two minutes in

when I was first asked to plug yeah and you said that was the perfect time yeah so I guess I'll say listen to Threedom listen to to newcomers get on my patreon and um i'm on good girls on nbc you can watch me on that show marika plugs i have nothing to plug listen to newcomers thank you ditto ditto everything that lauren said i'm here yeah i, keep listening to Lauren's shows, other HeadGum podcasts.

Every listen goes a long way. Rate, review, subscribe. Download Jake and mine's new dating app, Orion. It's been a wild thrill ride. I know Jeff's met. How many dates have you gone on through that app at this point? I feel like every time I text you, you're going steady with another person that you met on Orion, which has been so exciting to hear about.

Yeah, I've been breaking hearts and taking names, really. That is your bio. Talking to fans of your old web series and waxing about various bits of content that you've released in the aftermath. That's cool. And I appreciate that. Thank you. And thanks to

everybody that's downloaded and supported it so far. It been yeah it's been fun yeah um lauren if you have any conversation starter ideas for the app we're still coming up with some of them oh yeah sure um what was your favorite grade in middle school that's great eighth that's great that's really good let me tell you why actually and then we'll we'll head. No, that was just an example of a conversation. We don't have to do conversations at the end. And actually, weirdly, I don't even care about that question at all. Right. I've already changed my mind about it. It's sort of a, it's an interesting question

because it tells people whether they were cool in that time. And the thing that you have to understand is that eighth grade was a blossoming for me. It was sort of a debut. And again, we'll head out right after this. But this was me as Gaston in the eighth grade. Wow, you pulled that up fast. And I just said that to my friend who's here today.

Wow. Yeah, wow. Yeah, it's kind of crazy. Those girls are really screaming about going to get away from you. They're not acting, yeah. It's art imitating wife uh what's that how is

that art imitating wife we have to leave like it's almost been an hour uh lauren has so much more important shit to do um yes so uh we'll see you guys again next week thanks so much for listening to this week's episode of the headcanon podcast check out newcomers check out uh if you only have like five dollars to give a month

uh check out my patreon uh patreon.com forward slash riley and jeff uh and otherwise we'll see you guys next week uh we'll catch you on the flip diesel awful Awful.