The Headgum Podcast - 54: Geoffrey the Dumbass Watches Geoffrey the Dumbass

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

Jake, Amir, and Marika join Geoff to discuss ultimate frisbee, Baba Ram Dass, and the Headgum videos!BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH!Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. I would fuck guac. I would also. Salsa's a little too wet for me. So I would marry salsa. Cause I like that wet ass salsa. And in terms of fucking a bowl of dip,

what's better than a guac with my chip? How big can a bowl be and still be hot? How small can a bowl of guac be? I saw your phallus in the head gum locker room, by the way, and it is a tortilla chip. It's fragile. It has a bite out of it. Yeah, it's a bowl.

It's a Tostitos scoop. Is it protruding inward or outward? Concave? No. No. major killer something that we were just discussing and something i wanted to touch on is that fashion is cyclical right so whereas dungarees weren't cool to be on your knees sorry does this show not have an intro anymore what What's that? It felt like we're starting in the middle of the episode. We're starting with a major killer.

It's so fast. Yeah. Ow. Diving in. What's wrong with that? Yeah. It's fine. It's just a departure from the structure is all,

but it's fine. Yeah. Well, again, something I've been trying to work on the past maybe three weeks is that you guys have said that I've grown predictable. Right.

Let's get. Let's get away from that. Obviously, let's get back into this fashion is cyclical, whereas overalls. Kind of weren't worth the gall in the aughts. Now you can kind of stunt on them with a pair of dickies. I feel like that, honestly, that was two years ago. We're over overalls at this point. We're not doing overalls anymore.

Yeah, we're over alls. We're all over alls. I think we're all over alls. Who cares? What are you talking about? What? we're all overalls we're all overalls who cares what are you talking about what this is the beginning of the show Amir's wearing the same shirt that he's worn all week

Karusha yeah talk about outdated shirts Amir's wearing a Lakers shirt in round one of the playoffs last night in an embarrassing defeat where at one point they were down by almost, what, 35? Yeah, but then we came back and cut the lead to 14. And lost.

Who cares? Nice. Nice. I'm coming in. The girl is on fire. What I can't wait for is the first in-person recording of this fucking shit right jake oh my god just the three of us without you that would be super oh who replaces jeff in the i was talking to marty about johnny it would either be johnny or danny because

by the time we move in jeff will be to the office persona non ass as in your ass won't be in the office ever um i just i've been wanting to i've been itching to get that address i feel like everyone else i feel like everyone else got the address you you've done nothing but talk about the address of the office for the past three weeks. It's called Yes Anding, Marika. Let's just move on. What is new in the life and times? We are entering this phase where, I mean, we're recording on June 4th, we should say. Summer of our lives, 2021.

The beginning of the Roaring Twenties, easing into it on the day. Yeah. I'm feeling it. Me too. I went to the Laker game yesterday. Talk about going back into society. Did you actually? Yeah. Yeah. I'm feeling it. Me too. I went to the Laker game yesterday. Talk about going back into society. Did you actually?

Yeah. I was there with about 10,000 people indoors. Oh my God. Yeah. Wow. Was there a vaccinated section where you could remove the mask or was it mask on? There was a vaccinated half of the arena, and I was at my friend's company's luxury suite, which was vaccinated, and they checked to see. I brought my Vax ID, and they checked to see if you were Vax, but I still sort of wore a mask.

Fucking mask off. One second, I was answering Jake's question. It was Staples Center, and you don't wear masks on. Yeah. You take for granted how I haven't seen probably that many people in my purview in a year and a half it feels like a weird stimulus that i haven't gotten in so long cheering screaming even watching the games like watching the knicks games on tv yeah it was surreal jeff you're so much louder than like highlights i'm trying to have a conversation

and i just all i hear is the yeah that's why like just shut up for a second. Yeah it's so crazy it feels like a woe-begone era I feel weird participating in this conversation now that it's taken such an antagonist. Yeah sorry now he's like got me feeling like the bad guy it just yeah then it's all downhill

from here. It's like your poison begins to infect the other squares on the Zoom. It's only a matter of time before Marika starts yelling at Jake or something. What did I do? She would never do that. She would normally never do that.

But for whatever reason, you're a cancer. I did yell at everyone a second ago. I yelled at Amir, I guess, mostly. Who cares? Who cares? Have you guys seen a movie? Movie theater movie yet?

I did. That's my one outing. Whoa. I saw Cruella in theaters. How was it? I mean, movie-wise, fine. It's fine. We don't have to talk about Cruella.

And how was the experience of being at the movies? It was mostly fine. There weren't that many people in the audience. I think we were there with four other people. The annoying thing was that AMC and Regal and a bunch of places the day before announced that they weren't requiring masks anymore for

vaccinated people, which I was like, I'm going to wear a mask anyway. But not. It was like uh oh man i thought i thought this was good for a second um but i'm seeing in the heights well i guess when this episode comes out which will be very exciting with 13 13 of my friends are seeing in the together which is oh my god super spreader Cooper spreader. I know, I know. Zach's 13 vaccinated friends.

So Jeff, yeah, some people have like 13 friends and they get to go to movies and stuff and it's fun. Like you have like a nice social outing with like 12 other people. George Saba, Tucker Click, Peter Benjamin, Harry Hawks, AJ Yaramaz, Sarah Linden, Marika Brownlee. No. On the sacks. God, you're already reaching after seven.

John Daly, not the comedian. The golfer. John George, yes, the golfer. And did I mention Danny Sellers, my best friend in the entire world? Two co-workers, and then one of them i think was just on the sax so i know i know that doesn't count have you ever seen john daly play saxophone live i went to a show in la where he did that once and it was truly insane my friend ska my friend was a dp who used to live in la and he used to work at funny or die on a lot of their shoots and John Daly did a shoot with

Kenny G and they both played sax and I just remember that sketch very vividly basically the the onus of the holy shit I just got the word of the week

what was it? the no way Holy shit. I just got the word of the week. Well, that's it. The. No way. Everyone's no way you're the first person to say it. I know, but it's not necessarily about being the first to say it. It's just whenever the eagle caws is when there's cause for word of the week. Whenever the eagle caws. For whom the eagle soars.

That was met with, for anyone listening at home, it wasn't just met with silence because Marika and I both were shaking our heads in silence. So I don't want anyone to think that we just didn't react to Jeff's joke. We actually had a really silent but very negative reaction. Sometimes I feel like

filling in the blanks on this show between segments are basically from minute five to 20, which I usually outline as just wax. I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting. And today I'm hoping that at least for the next 12 minutes, you guys can help me out.

Right? Sure. Delvingving in diving in participating yeah yeah Jake and I can talk formula one yeah how was the pre or whatever go on and on about basketball if you really wanted to but I don't know if you want him to sorry the LeMans or whatever the man of the Don Quixote fucking Grand Prix or whatever the Monaco race was the last one that we watched Formula One wise and incredible very dramatic race just in terms of what happened before the race I of what happened before the race i i'm just like jeff just tunes out immediately every time he he he he encourages us to wax we find a topic that

we'd be excited to talk about and then he actively yeah it's like eyes in it's like if I the equivalent feeling I get is like if I were sitting at a restaurant with Jake trying to talk and the waiter was just hovering over us silently waiting. That's how I feel. Do you want to take our order? Yeah, this isn't like an improv show. We don't go into like scenes on this bullshit. Oh my God. It's kind of more of like an improv show we don't go into like scenes on this bullshit um oh my god it's kind of more of like a talk show you were upset that earlier that marika did yes and you you guys just recorded if i were you how did that go it was fun a lot more it was a lot more fun than this

i don't get bullied i actually i actually pulled me a beer on that show we had a special guest and so that was fun and then who was it we were able to catch up well no spoilers but since this episode is out already yeah Ben facetimed in for a spell I got to catch up with him and then we answered some questions talked shop waxed

storm rolled in that was fun Ben's on review review this week too it's the Ben Schwartz week wow that's good how was it i haven't edited it yet so maybe it wasn't but i felt good when we did it that's usually a good sign any bits any funny like little segments any like runners yeah there were but we don't have to like we're not using this bridge the show as a recap i keep talking when you talk also like i don't know now you, we're not using this show as a recap. I feel like I keep talking when you talk. Also, like,

I don't know. Now you're, now you're excluding me from the conversation. I wasn't there. You're like boxing Marika. Marika and I were talking, we were talking racing. Yeah. You sort of bullied us into halting that conversation.

I didn't mean to bully you. I'm wondering, is there, I didn't try to. You yelled at me about trying to make a joke. No, that was, it's improv. It's different. You started asking me in a mirror make a joke. No, it's improv.

You started asking me in a mirror about specific bits. I'm saying that maybe you did bits on If I Were You. There's a lot of people who listen to this show listen to If I Were You. And I'm wondering... So then they wouldn't be interested in the bits, would they? If this episode comes out a week after they already heard the bits. No, I'm saying, maybe you continue it.

Would they love us talking about the runners that they already heard? Fucking George Wolfe is like a menacing guy but never does anything illegal. Whatever the fuck you guys used to talk about. So, like, there's like a little bit there and then you marry it to this show. Suddenly it's the HeadGum Extended Cinematic Universe. Or should I say, Oral Universe.

Um, neither. Probably. The HeadGum Podcast Universe. This is... Yeah, definitely not the head gum oral universe that's a u r a l yeah we know i know i know what you meant but how it sounds one fucking joke one joke that you made last hour let's bridge the gap fucking make it canon it's already canon like we've already established ben on this podcast he's in the oral universe

he's see it sounds good when you say it effortlessly in time also jeff can you turn your input volume up up twist yeah i can't hear you how's's that? That's better. That's fine. I'm so jealous. You can't hear Jeff? My God. Yeah. That's Daz? Oh, that's really good.

Is that supposed to be a call and response? What would you call it? What's the response? Because you said the whole thing. I feel like... You'd have to say, that's what? And we'd have to say, that's D? And we'd have to say, that's does. That's good.

That's what? That's does. That's good. That's what? Or you respond with a question. That's good. That's does. That's what?

That's does. Sacks. What sucks. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, if you had an extra hour in your day, a lot of people would spend that very differently than the one sitting next to them. Maybe person A would go for a run, person B would take a nap, and patient zero would read a book. The point is, a lot of us spend our time and our lives wishing we had more hours in the day. And the question is, what is that time for? And if time was unlimited, how would you use it? The best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you and make it a priority thus.

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That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. All right. And we're back from that sex point. And from this point on, let's be civil, right? Sure. Great, yeah. Marika Brownlee on the sex, on the hacky sex, right?

I wish I were good at hacky sex. I'm not particularly great. I feel like you treat... That's something we could bring back. We have the rooftop at the office, actually. Bring back the sack. Let's get some sacks for the office. I've been thinking I really...

It's a good summer activity. I would like to play some summer sport, health allowing. But I was really into Ultimate Frisbee in high school. I want to bring that back. That's cool definitely yeah that's happening yeah for sure i'm like i'm a little too scared of like joining an ultimate league but i i would like to play or like volleyball that's a fun one go to a park really easily and do that that is cool yeah should we that's intimidating though like the volley people like playing volleyball some of them are go to a park really easily and do that. That is cool. Yeah. Should we? That's intimidating though.

Like the volley, people like playing volleyball. Some of them are insanely good. I would, I think we just need, let's, let's start a team, but like a little group of people to play volleyball against each other. So we're not playing against randos.

Yeah. We should do a podcast, a volleyball podcast league we play gimlet we play forever dog that's not bad yeah jeff you're bored no i said that's not bad i think there was like us wasn't there like a baseball one at one point but that's a whole another conversation there was we used wait did we play a baseball i just i feel a baseball league i think maybe la did we did get invited to play against forever dog i think in a baseball league but that's like who the fuck plays baseball like i'm sorry but there's another way that you missed the mark

what would you say is what what sport would you say you're the best at and then what sport would you say you're the least best at baseball at least best at baseball yeah for sure everything in baseball i think of any other sport baseball is your least it's like the only one i haven't played like i played t-ball as a child and then i stopped but like all the other main ones i feel like i played at some point later on in life yeah like how niche can we get because i would say my real answer is high ally yeah i think i'd be pretty bad at hockey ice hockey it seems impossible because you have to skate yeah horse racing no way i would be able to be a jockey that would i know like i'm amazing at horseback riding but i'm too tall you're amazing at what you're amazing at it i don't think i would be a great jockey because i'm too tall is what I said.

Even though I'm good at horseback riding. I'd be bad at Formula One because I can't drive. So that's a problem. You can't drive? Ooh. Can't drive. That's important. That's important.

The sport that I'm best at. How old are we? I am pretty good at Ultimate Frisbee. from it for speed i i so i was at the park the other day and a guy kicked us like kept kicking a soccer ball and it would like come over towards me and i kicked it back perfectly every time except for the last time i like hit a guy in the back i was sitting down but it was like i mean like i skimmed it because i perfectly threaded the needle between him and his friend except like fresh to shoulder and then one of them laughed a stranger was kicking a soccer ball at you like hey why are you playing with us they were kicking a soccer ball

ass jesus christ if we're gonna do this show listen to everyone when they say their shit so that we're not asking clarifying questions when the audience already heard it and comprehended it. Your catchphrase is what's that? So don't make this argument. Also, did she answer this question? She did vaguely answer. She did.

It was clear from the story, but Jeff has derailed the show further than Marika quickly answering your, you know, inoffensive question. Yeah. We'll never know. On to the next, I guess, right? I wanted to know everyone else's answers. I was just excited to talk about my sporting history.

When you talk about Ultimate Frisbee, are you more of a catcher or a thrower? And then that same question, but in regards to sex. Easy. I can't be here anymore. Daddy, chill. Nice. specifically to the ultimate frisbee question i'm i guess pretty good i feel like i'm i'm good at throwing i can do that the like forehand throw that's yeah sidearm and i used to be able to do the one like where you're yeah the overhead like vertical far out one um that's nice where it arrives optimal um i think i i think

my catching skill like i just i can catch like what like throws that you wouldn't expect like so i guess that's good but i think i'm like a good like last minute like snatch out of the air person what about uh frisbee golf that is good uh i'm not i've not done much frisbee golf even though i was um the co-chief enthusiast of the society of lawn sports enthusiasts at my college we didn't play frisbee golf what so why so you were so enthusiastic that you never spelled it or you ever played no we just played like bocce ball and croquet mostly. Jesus, you went to a school for billionaires.

I mean, yeah. I spent most of my evenings playing polo with the boys down at the club. Mariko's last name is Bezos. I never thought about it. I never put two and two together. But yeah, you did some, you used to say that you would summer places

yeah it's summer on the vineyard summer on mom talk but where did you autumn in New York nice wow this is damn Daniel

damn Daniel oh my god this damn daniel you got a solid reaction to that joke marika laughed and said nice and like out of politeness Jeff what sport are you the best at? I mean probably swimming I didn't expect that answer in terms of like the main sports let's say I'm not bad at basketball what's your water polo status? we didn't have

a water polo team otherwise I would have been on it for sure in high school at least do you have to have big legs a water polo team. Otherwise, I would have been on it for sure. In high school, at least. Do you have to have big legs for water polo? You almost don't need legs at all, which is why I'm good at swimming and water sports. Yeah, because you sort of have a... You're thick on top, but your cankles are a little spindly.

So it almost seems like you would... Almost like a bowling pin on top of water. Keep trying to rotate. Upside down, almost, it seems like your body would try to do that and you'd have to actively fight jeff does have a upside down bowling yeah he's shaped like a guitar pick he is a guitar pick man yeah and so what is he's shaped like launchpad i mean he's a mcquack in that way or a carrot he also resembles like a purple carrot they're not a baby carrot either purple just because the color doesn't really make a difference right

i know but you're just any kind of root vegetable yeah you're a little weird well it's kind of unappealing it's not there's something not right about a purple carrot yeah guess what blue and filled you're shaped like a ginger root You're shaped like Going off in Different directions hither than thither Jeff Take it easy I was going to ask for a raise Don't feel like I can ask for that 25 an hour

This is Unbelievable that he's getting sad He's a grown man That was really Fucking rude are you kidding me hey what hey hey i've never seen him like this let's not say anything we i might let's not say anything we can't take back my ass let's not say anything we can't take right here on the fucking put up your fucking dukes first day in the office chair to the back of the head okay i'm gonna come out for the la opening now now that there's a fucking beatdown scheduled

yeah we should start holding boxing matches like logan paul style but it's just jess and amir oh yeah he's fighting this weekend. So many goddamn sound effects and still going are you guys familiar with baba ramdas no really he's sort of a spiritual teacher healer oh isn't like pete holmes a big fan of him I don't know if I would pigeon Holmes Baba Ram Dass as someone who Pete Holmes just likes okay that doesn't explain anything we were trying to like

contextualize who he is he's a spiritual awakener so that would have like helped he was some might argue he was the second coming of Christ. I don't really know what to say. Seems a little hyperbolic. Um, I thought we could listen to one of his lectures.

It's 45 minutes. Is that cool? 45 minutes. No way. Definitely not. Let's just listen to it and then we'll, um. Don't say wax. Don't act like you're bargaining. Kind of give notes almost. Like we're, like we'll, we'll, we'll. You said we'll... Don't say wax. Don't act like you're bargaining.

Kind of give notes almost. Like, we'll... You said we'll listen to it. We all said no. And then you said, let's just listen to it. And then we'll give... You're like steamrolling this segment. Let's listen for sure.

Let's listen for sure, but we'll be open to... We can listen to 10 seconds, max. But then we have to move on. I barely want to do that. From a chapter called Naturally Liberating Whatever You Meet. It's in something called The Crystal Cave. On the one hand, when you regard disturbing emotions as emptiness, your practice turns into taking emptiness as the path and not the disturbing emotions.

All right, let's stop. Thus, your practice doesn't become the short path this is longer than 10 seconds if you indulge in the disturbing emotions thinking they are something concrete it's like very out of context also so it's like hard we're not even really listening this is the beginning of the lecture he's starting with a quote and you guys are interrupting mid-quote to end it. I'm trying to awake your guys' fucking spirit. I'm trying to make sure that you guys have the path towards happiness.

Because I can see the depression in Amir's ass. My ass? Eyes. I said ass. Ferrisris cut everything Amir has said that's been kind of funny so that he sounds bad and off today let's continue

like eating a poisonous plant and is the cause which binds you to samsara any disturbing emotion that may arise is wisdom the moment you relax to your natural mind look directly into it don't deliberately reject it

regard it as a fault indulge in it concretely or regard it as a virtue find joy in the pain is what he's saying is he in the pain is what he's saying is he experience the full breadth of human emotion positive and negative and find the full let's say spectrum of

what it means to be human I'm having a bad time I'm having a bad fucking time it's my goddamn Friday it's 4 45 yeah it'd be nice to have a good time on this show i feel like i'm getting fucking accosted with garbage with with just i don't know shit that i barely understand forget it about pain forget it i yeah yeah good great let's forget it

move on let's move on onward now he's having a good time on a friday um you guys have a patreon patreon.com forward slash JA, right? Right. Yeah. Jake, have you heard today's episode? Is that why you're saying it? I think it's backslash, but yeah. I thought that there's parts of that content that you guys put out that's kind of interesting to me. Okay. Backhanded compliment.

Go ahead. The whole Jake and Amir watch Jake and Amir is... At first, I thought you guys were just hamming it up for the cameras but i think there's actually some substance there because we get to hear your guys's commentary let's you know some of these things were like like 13 years ago don't get heartburn it's not casual it's like something is really wrong inside you go eat a tumble

but yeah and um Jesus it's just interesting because so much time has passed so there might be jokes that you've written and performed that you didn't even remember and then we also get some behind the scenes stories I'm wondering if we

do the same for some of the head gun videos right now here we go wow okay so this is jeffrey the dumbass watches jeffrey the dumbass oh my god so many tabs open you have like 30 videos this first one well we'll get through them all for sure it doesn't because this one might be a longer episode. I should have warned you guys. This is Jeff and the Dumbass Aoli. It came out on February 1st, 2018.

Watch a little bit of it. We'll watch every single video I have pulled up. Yeah, I think I'm just going to fire him today. We keep like waiting for something to happen

and it's not going to Wow, look at that hair. He's staring at me right now actually. Everybody's short. He's pointing at his wrist and saying, Rolex, it's not a rolex watch he's lifting his keys he's saying rolls royce but it's not can i just please with your permission you know how aioli is just mayonnaise and something else he's asking me about mayonnaise

if you just give me the go ahead i'll do it right now. Garlic mayo equals aioli. Who are you looking at there? You know how aioli is just mayonnaise and another ingredient? I guess. That's a very good... That's a strong start. Yeah. I mean, you look young as shit in this. Yeah, short hair, glasses. Ankles out.

Yeah. This is pre- Iankles to the Sun. I think it's pre-COVID because you can tell everyone is sort of in an office together. All of these are pre-COVID because we stopped doing the videos. You can tell by the date being February 1st, 2018 that it's pre-COVID. Yeah, pre-coronavirus because we're all in the same room and we're not afraid. This isn't good commentary because you can say that about any video or any piece of content you put out before COVID. Right, but it's just interesting to see us. or like generally aware. You can say that about any video or any piece of content you put out before COVID. Right.

But it's just interesting to see us. Imagine if you take mayo out of the equation. So basil aioli, but it's not a sauce. So basil. Or worse yet, bioli. A bad aioli. Your idea now is to make something that's already pretty bad worse. I mean, that's what they did with ragu. Ragu is just bad marinara.

No, it's not right but at least you have options right also there's two and a half minutes left we've already discussed aioli so what what goes on at this point that we can watch for another yeah 70 of the video my variety is the spice of rice who looks younger here versus their current self yeah yeah yeah i think i think jeff jeff looks younger than he does now more than i look younger than he does or than i do i was 20 in this not 23 i guess percentage wise yeah it's 15 of your life younger yeah jeff is like still growing in this. I remember when he used to make that face.

We're talking about a trillion dollar industry at a certain point. You and I can single-handedly and reversibly reinvent the pub fair game. Don't try to reinvent shit. Don't try to change the game or make something new. Don't try to change the game or make something new. Don't try to change the game. That's what you were laughing at? That was the most

straightforward line. I laughed so much. Don't try to reinvent shit. Don't try to change the game who's in the background there who whose legs and shirt combo is that probably whitney yeah is it i think so no trillion dollar industry is here for you to completely create out of thin air don't be confident go with me for a second why describe unto Describe unto me your ideal bar. Good delivery. Music and drinks

and fun times and friendly faces. And in terms of fair, no fair. You've never been to a bar. Music and drinks and fun times. It's a lazy conversation. I have had dinner.

This is pub unfair to me. My ideal bar. Thank you for flasking. of fair, no fair. I will have had dinner, so. This is pub unfair to me. My ideal bar, thank you for flasking, contains low-life, drinking Miller High Lifes. And did I mention High Life? No, you did not. It was High Life. Also known as Zestaputa

and Bask. And I like Zesty Pita with Bisk. Dab. The worst dab. A palms facing of dab. The first two years of HeadGum, dabbing was a very big deal. And prevalent throughout a lot of things.

Many videos. Also known as Zestapuda and Bask, and I like Zesty Pita with a bisque dab. We're mentally ill. I don't know what to say. It's a dab bisque with a shrug. Sorry. I'm in.

Let's do it. Let's do the fucking worst aioli, the bar, the pub. I'm shocked. The sport thing. I'm all in a hundred percent. Let's be business partners with this venture. All right. Congratulations. You've made your point. No, I'm serious. I think it's a good idea.

And I want to invest my time, my money, and my energy into this game changing industry. Reinventing clearly think I'm dumb and have ideas to match. That's what made you realize that. It wasn't when I was... Ideas to match. To match how dumb I am. My ideas

match my intelligence level. Of course. Staring at you two minutes ago talking about firing you very plainly and openly right in front of your face. Just take a moment to get lost in the sauce. What the hell is that? The bioli? Worse, sea oily. That's cragu

on a bad doily. Cragu? That's crazen ragu. Yeah, was cragu ever mentioned? Never. Absolutely not. Yeah, we're obviously not going to watch the next one.

You have 17 tabs open. That was more than enough, right? Let's choose one, though. Jesus Christ. Jost Busters? Video. This is Jeffrey the Dumbass Viral Shirts. Dropped dropped april 26 2018 pre-corona still it seems avicii died what's the fastest way to get i always hated that cardigan i'm sorry you hated this cardigan shawl collar yeah i didn't like like this specific one or this style mixing

it on you this exact one on you in this video like it no but like or ever i think that if you have a shawl if you i don't think well i mean i don't like this cardigan in general but for you this was a look that really frankly missed the mark why what's the mark it's a performance cotton sweatshirt but as a shawl that is the problem and it's what's the mark it's a performance cotton sweatshirt but as a shawl that is the problem and it's what's the problem it's a marriage of two styles that shouldn't exist there are irreconcilable like it should be like uh this should be a shawl and it's like sweatshirt material right yeah yeah and you should be not chunky little wrist thing. Not what? Yes. Not working. Not in entertainment. Not in the public spheres or I.

I really think you should move to Wildwood, California and live in a fucking Airbnb. What a waste of money that would be to pay daily for the rest of my life. I think Jake does. Let's do Jake watches Jake and Amir. Let's do If I Were You with Jake Hurwits and who would be good to pair him with sean clements that'd be kind of funny oh that's fun yeah would i still get money would uh yeah i guess so just so that you can fund the

airbnb and stay over there okay let's watching. I'm thinking it's viral shirts. I was going to say investing or something. This one says four-beat salad. I'll sort of back my way into what it means. Inside jokes. Are you familiar? Yeah. Chain. Chain. Well, you will soon.

You can't just put any word or phrase on a shirt and call it an inside joke. What's more inside than a joke that hasn't been made on a shirt that I made? You think anyone's going to buy a shirt that says, why Jot? I mean, why Jot? Many reasons. Have you worn the why Jot shirt?

No, I forgot you gave me one. All right. It says why Jot. Triple H batteries. Time to play the game. One ion. One yin. That's one onion.

I can see you're getting upset, so let me show you the ones that we're already putting into production and I'll try to copy a free T. Lord of the Flies. What, like Lord the Singer? Brian Lord, head of CAA. He doesn't need his name on a shirt. Trust Jeeves. Like Ask Jeeves? What?

If you didn't know what Ask Jeeves was, why did you make Trust Jeeves? We should have made these shirts. Yeah. We we really should have i'm starting to think you don't like the shirts i don't like the shirt you know what i can't sell nike correct i can sell milk what the is milk i don't know what it means beyond the fact that it is a shirt if i had come up with the where's the beef slogan before the whole wendy's campaign you would have called me a moron you are a moron so what we need to do is come up with the w Wendy's campaign, you would have called me a moron. You are a moron. So what we need to do is come up with the Wendy's slogan before they start their new campaign. And you think the new campaign slogan is gonna be milk.

Who's to say, Jeeves? No. How about this? Wendy's, fuck a hamburger. I'm not going to help you. Fine. Four years later. And remember, it's almost time. Four years later. And remember.

It's almost time. Wendy's. Fuck a hamburger. Damn it. That was David Samuels. We're almost at the four-year mark of that, so we can probably do like a follow-up to that shirt yeah thing i mean why jot right i mean why jot that's funny next segment this is the only one

i prepared i can't help but notice that i'm i'm not involved in any of this neither is jake really yeah i have a couple of Jake in them. Which is fine. If you did, what's the one that I filmed? The coat rack one. Oh, yeah. Oh, here's one with Jake. I don't like when you call meetings and then you do this silent thing.

Just talk. Jake, I want you to take a moment to thank your friends. This is Jeffrey the Dumbass Holistic. It's still relevant. March 8th, 2018. Somehow. Why? For taking the firstumbass Holistic. So relevant. March 8th, 2018. Somehow. For taking the first step and becoming a more holistic person. Mike Farah style. Who?

First things first, we need to get you set up with a... That was a very hyper niche reference to the CEO of Funny or Die, who in the summer of 2016 created a mantra for the company of Holistic, where all of the different departments social media branded content sketches and uh live shows uh basically worked together synergistically yeah so this really was this was that was a joke just for you because you interned in money or die like even i know mike farah and that didn't make sense to me rosenberg would have gotten that and i'm just saying it's not just for me it's for like the 50 people that worked at funny yeah this is an entire video called holistic which is a a reference to a mike farah marketing

ploy yeah plan his. We're talking celery. Lox. First thing was plants. The second thing was fish. Fish is the fruit of the sea, Jake. That was not smart. Next thing, you need to be active and slow about it. Yoga, agoscue. Grab a slab of lamb and take a nap. So your big two pieces of advice so far for this being a holistic thing are to eat a plant-based diet which consists of smoked fish and also be active by taking a nap with lamb which is not plant-based or active you left out the most crucial part jake this part's in my um reel what's that meditation you left that part out you didn't say meditation recently i'm all about aligning my chakras right are you asking me i don't know what you're about last week it was bartending chakras are energetic healing Are you asking me? I don't know what you're about. Last week it was bartending.

Chakras are energetic healing centers for the human body that relate to things like speech, thought, sex, et cetera. Are you familiar? No, clearly I'm not. What I will do is I will meditate with the specific focus of aligning my crown chakra with my root chakra. By the end of the session,

I'm essentially performing autofillation. Great, so you told me at this meeting you should talk about sucking your own dick. That face. That face is a guy that likes to suck his own dick. And talk about it in a one-on-one meeting. I feel like you guys aren't adding anything to the discourse. I don't remember these videos.

I wasn't even in this one. Jake? I wasn't in any of them. I also don't remember this video. I've no recollection. I miss doing these shits, man. But, yeah. Yeah. Me too. What does that have to do with being holistic?

Holistic means all-inclusive, all-encompassing, living a balanced life, meaning everything is holistic and vice versa. Do you have any experience with crystals? I don do you of quartz i use crystals for almost everything nice of quartz this face you set me up for that chowder crystal so you mean the champagne exactly sprite okay my god Diet of locks and and take a lot of naps and I'll suck my own dick I just leave me alone. I don't want it like that man. It can't be for me It has to come from within you why because success is elusive right stop asking me right?

You're almost always wrong you think going downstairs right now and is going to lead to any kind of monetary or spiritual success? Yes, both. I honestly feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you if you think staying up here and blowing yourself is going to be good. I believe it was Ringo Starr that said, nothing is real. OK, Jeff, if you don't think anything is real, why do you bother?

Why do you bother trying to teach me about being real? I'm a nihilist. You're just saying it to cum, dude. You're not even close to sucking your own cock. I can't afford to stall. I remember that. A horrible ending. You look so rigid.

I'm not flexible about shit. And I don't even just mean physically. I mean, if you guys needed to push this record even five minutes, I would have lost my shit. I did push it five minutes. You pushed it 15, and I won't let just mean physically. I mean, if you guys needed to push this record even five minutes, I would have lost my shit. I did push it five minutes. You pushed it 15, and I won't let you forget it. 15. Log into your Netflix.

Let's see what kind of fucking depraved shit you've been watching. Yeah, let's just not out me just yet, because I do have a couple more episodes in me, and then I can be fully canceled, and I think that's fine. Only Hitler documentaries what the fuck is wrong with you? well he did art oh god are you watching porn?

that's Kim's convenience one more video Jostbusters November 1st 2017 Jostbusters wow I remember this one it's so long why Jeff

why what I said why who you gonna call what are you talking about Jost Buster we should have said

who are you gonna call him yeah nice why do you feel like Colin Jost, Buster. We should have said, who are you going to call him? Yeah. Nice. Why do you feel like Colin Jost needs Buster? He hasn't come. Stan. He hasn't come. And it will be my claim to fame.

So slow. I can't help but feel that everything that Jost has and does should be mine and I do. Such bad sentence structure. His job. Should be mine and I do. His apartment, his girlfriend.

Did I mention the apple of his eye? You did when you said girlfriend. God, that's a bad photo. I didn't take it. Yeah, but you printed it. You're scolding me like I took the photo. You chose this photo. Yeah.

You felt like it was a good representation of him and his girlfriend. She's not even facing the camera. This could be anyone exactly That's my problem. You took 13 minutes trying to open up a can of LaCroix You had to do this whole video with a with a fucking vacuum We were really lucky that we had a vacuum that you can strap to your back because we didn't order that vacuum that you can strap to your back because we didn't order that. What bass? Yeah. Nope. It was not.

So why don't you master those simple tasks before you go about stealing celebrity girlfriends? Can you imagine? Just me and Starlet Johansson Frenching on the red carpet probably. Probably not. I can't imagine that at all because you get stage fright when the UPS guy asks for your signature. Yeah, because I don't know what to do. And you think you know what to do on the red carpet? I freeze up is all.

Yeah, you freeze up. You wouldn't have that on the red carpet when Scarlett Johansson wants to kiss you? That sounds a little nerve-wracking, yeah. So, you know what? Excuse me if I get a little nervous on the red carpet. Yeah, so you wouldn't be able to do it. That's why I can't.

I wouldn't go through with it because I'm not that kind of guy. I don't kiss and tell. This chick I frenched at the Virgil. So you just kissed, and I'm told huh sorry i'm gonna i'm gonna jost her asshole it's so combative it's so combative in both videos where i'm yelling at you jay i never yell at amir in these sketches you would never dare that is interesting you yell at me but amir yells at you kind of says it all me what about that new york city so i'm coming and we'll road trip it don't worry but we'll just take our time with all this shit i still believe in that i had someone tell

me i fell off god great very good to st louis st lou Louis to Chicago, 30 hours. This road trip sounds like a flight round trip. How many songs are in this? From Chicago to St. Louis. Wrong. All right. You forgot China. Why are we going to China? We need to wind up in New York.

This is the itinerary. LA, Chicago, Chicago to St. Louis, St. Louis to Chicago, 30 hours. Right? All the while we're taking our time because we still believe in that. I got the dream. China. Alright, we go over to Beijing, Beijing to Yonkers. Okay, then what? We find our way over to Joe's place, right? We shimmy up the trellis,

we get into his room, and I vacuum his ass. I vacuum his ass, and I steal his clothes, and I live the rest of my life as him. Thoughts? Possible flaws? That's a gift. So many probable flaws. How are you gonna find his house? No way it's not in Yonkers. Highly unlikely that it's in Yonkers. What if he doesn't have a trellis? You gotta be Josting me if you don't think that Jost has a trellis.

How will he fit into the vacuum cleaner? He doesn't have to fit his whole fucking body in the vacuum, idiot. It's a distraction tactic. And then you're wearing his clothes, living your life as him. For the rest of your life? For the rest of his life, right? And then he dies. Then I resume mine.

It'll be fine. Gesturing with the vacuum so you want to go through all of this this crazy round trip roundabout trip through china back to new york driving that train high on cacao come on help me out here watch your trellis Colin Jost you better watch your trellis driving that train high on cacao Colin Jost you better watch your trellis and then does this video

just end with the fist bump I guess go for it that's my thought about what's coming next nice scalding right so hot nice um that was a nice trip down memory lane i think i'm gonna quit was that a runner at some point that you had a hot yeah okay well did you have a hot hand that was a runner i don't think so i don't think so just the claw i think the main thing is that I'm going to cut most of that out because you guys

didn't say anything interesting wow we watched the videos I had a good time then I'll keep it and I'll cut this part out well now I feel weird about it because I feel like you scolded me after the fact

we're all active sexually you took a beat to consider what's best to say and you ended up saying the worst thing of all the beat was to consider if you should say it or not

and then he decided fuck it I'm going for it. Jake, how's the home renovation going? It's good. Oh, sorry, Billy Brick texted me. The windows are going to go on the front of the house. Billy Brick texted me. Great. Okay, so don't ask me a question about my life

and then instantly not give a shit sorry yeah that's that's what i mean right yeah and that would usually be the part where you like say now i'm done with the text i want to hear the answer let's try to like no you're no you don't and because you like yeah that was that was a painful 30-second stretch for me. Yeah, and it was already really bad before that. I think let's regroup next week for sure. We have a special guest. Who?

I can't announce it now. You say all sorts of private info. Yeah, just bleep it out. David Young. Who? all sorts of private info yeah just believe it right david young we cannot say that has to be a surprise say it it's too special just don't want to say it to um because it spray it no because he has such a busy schedule he's constantly shooting and jetting off and jetting Osmond that I

don't want people to get their hopes up and then he doesn't show. So bleep it. You're not going to believe it. Plugs. What are you guys working on? Point the people to the floor is yours. Go. Let's start with Marika Brownlee on the sex. God.

The same old stuff. Listen to all your favorite podcasts. Try some new ones that you haven't heard yet just pick a random one go for it it'll probably be fun uh and yeah follow follow me on twitter and instagram at marie kaylon her wits um buy me and my brother's gear we sold out of our wallets but there's new ones well it's great soon we have a blue colorway yeah you like it i haven't you want a blue no i'm good i haven't changed my everything over to the new wallet but i do like it you didn't take my wallet to the movies not yet no my wallet's so tiny my wallet's smaller than that one smaller yeah wow well i'd

really like you to take my wallet first i will i'll take it to in the heights all right thank you it's a shame that you don't still live in la jake because then and micah too because then the company instead of brothers halcyon it could be called la gear yeah that's a shame it's not really personal but yeah no i i mean it theoretically i could still i could call it la gear but i think that has to be taken it's taken by another company but that shouldn't don't let that stop yeah la gear is a it's a sneaker company. Just don't let that stop you. Amir? Couldn't do that. Yeah, get Jake's wallet, listen to a HeadGum podcast. I think Jake and Marika said it all.

And with the Lakers elimination, I'm now ready to throw my hat in the ring for a new basketball team. And I need your support. Let's go Milwaukee B bucks basketball fear the deer people i would also like milwaukee just so that they can beat that would mean that they would beat the nets in the eastern conference finals which would be fun to see actually playing this round oh so god it should i like the nets it feels like i should just like the brooklyn well i guess you

live in brooklyn they're like down the street for me um I I feel like you can't because like I feel like like you're a LeBron guy I like LeBron but I mean I like lots of basketball players and I like lots of basketball teams it doesn't make any sense that I don't like why don't you like the Knicks but I can't get into you grew up in Connecticut yeah I do like the Knicks they're just not I like the Knicks that was like my team growing up but I didn't I didn't like basketball Knicks. They're just not in the playoffs anymore. That was like my team growing up, but I didn't like basketball that much. Yeah.

That's cool. Amir? Yeah, I already said my piece, and I already... We're done here. We're totally done. Marika? No.

Time for Marika's druthers. No, I'm good. What about you, Jeffrey? Oh oh thanks so much for asking uh i am creatively exhausted i don't know what else to say you're nobody you haven't done anything creatively exhausted you're a zero you're a net negative what are you talking about you haven't done shit god that's rude that's funny you exhausted

yeah it's quit your career man quit your career go work for your dad do anything menial all you are is a brain and a hand at this point you don't have anything to contribute he made himself vulnerable he said that he was tired and you told him to quit and said that he was nothing this is funny beyond fucked I've never been disrespected like this it's not funny I'll send you an Uber to a sandwich place you're good are you kidding me you hit a pedestrian

you hit a biker in your car you're fine I'll get you a car what sandwich spot do you want to go to the Heights Deli Lincoln Heights come on stop making a big show of it he's fine walk it off guac it off

nice diesel now walk it out I was gonna say nevermind what was the what was the headroom video

where the guac thing was the bit I almost did that one but that one's very long that's mornin

we should do a mornin part 2 where I go to your house again Amir yeah maybe yeah for sure

not maybe we'll see I don't yeah have you talked to Marty we might not we might not be um like that anymore

man talk to uh I thought you had a meeting with him yeah Marty pushed to Monday. Okay. All right, cool. No, what's the meeting about? Check in with us on Tuesday, man.

And have a... Check in. Try to have a really good weekend. Have a good weekend, man. Really enjoy it. The last episode. Later, everybody. Thank you so much for listening.

The last episode. And then the Ferris will cut it right there. The last episode? And the ferris will cut it right there the last episode and then he'll that was a Hiddem Original.