The Headgum Podcast - 6: Charlize

Episode Date: June 26, 2020

Engineer Faris joins Jake, Amir, and Geoff to discuss SoCal vs. NorCal, the GOAT salary, and Amir's good friend Charlize Theron.Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. It's been a weird day. I had a croissant at 11. Yeah, you often have a daily croissant. So you don't have to even tell us about the croissant. We'll just see you had a croissant. Normally I have it a little earlier, but it was a late croissant.

And then I wasn't really hungry for lunch. So I had a light lunch, just a small smoothie. But then I, now I'm famished. So I'm not eating a grain bowl. I guess I'm having the lunch that I wanted, the lunch I deserved, the lunch that I skipped. You're basically eating as if you're in California time. So you had like a croissant at eight

and a nice grain bowl at one. No, I didn't think about it like that. I guess my diet's very normal. Well, are you gonna have dinner at 11.30 PM? Like how does that gonna, because it has to push everything back. Let's get into. Well, are you going to have dinner at 11.30pm? How is that going to... Because it has to push everything back. Let's get into the show. Also, Ferris, you don't have to nod along like,

this is all right. This sucks to hear. This is a bad podcast. I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were recording. Let's see the gash in your stash. You want to see it right now? I can't imagine that's the most convenient way to wear

that band-aid there has to be it actually this one's actually really killing my eyebrows the other ones have been fine so far there's got to be another way okay it's stuck oh no he's ripping hairs way better yeah that's very small you don't need a band-aid anymore, man. That did take a lot of my eyebrow hairs off. Or like, if anything, they have those tiny little... Yeah, the small circular ones. The ones you get from like the finger prick. They basically make a band-aid that's perfectly designed to

not go over your eyebrows. That took a whole chunk out of my eyebrow. Did you see that? You just waxed. That sucks to see. This has been a horrible month for my face. It will grow back, right? No, not if it's waxed off That sucks to see. This has been a horrible month for my face. It will grow back, right? No, not if it's waxed off. Really? Someday it might.

It might. It won't be anytime soon. I mean, will people notice your eyebrow? I'll be right back. What do you think he could be going to look up? Let's welcome Ferris to the show. Hey, welcome. Yes, the man behind the man.

Jeffrey, you have to work with him closely on a show like this. It must be difficult. I mean, we just started the show and he left to check on his face. So that type of professionalism, as it extends to post-production, I assume it's nearly impossible getting anything done with this guy. Yeah, he did leave. This is a lot of how it goes. I'll send him a message on Slack. I'll ask him, you him, hey, Jeff, how's the assembly cut going? It's 2 a.m. I need to start. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's in Ohio, so it's 5 a.m. for him.

Yeah, I know he's still awake, though. He signs out every time I message him on Slack. So he's up, yeah. It was fun at first. It was like this fun game of tag we played, but I'm really falling behind on my work. So yeah, because of the,

because of like the late messages and him, cause like even to start the show, he, we were about to start and he left, he just left the frame entirely. He's gone. But the unprofessionalism like spreading to Ferris, that's really what gets,

that's what, that's what frustrates me. Cause Jeff can suck on his own, you know, but when he sucks so much. Yeah. So he does. But when he sucks so much that it makes Ferris not be able to do his job.

Like it's contagious. Ferris can't post the episode. And then like, cause you remember last week when you, when you got into like that, that screaming match with Ferris, when you, when you were shouting at Ferris on the company call?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was Jeff infecting me with his hate. So Jeff is sort of a coronavirus of sorts. He's contagious and it's beyond airborne because Jeff is in a different state. It like infected me like a computer virus through Slack. It's digital. And then he turned me sour. Yeah,'s digital and then he he turned me south yeah

digital virus man and he turned me sour against my friend because ferris was my friend and i don't know what happened to me i snapped jeffrey james style we had a good rapport for a while there yeah because we're both california kids you're from cali right bay area bay area just recently hopped down to uh to la most people from the Bay don't like SoCal. Do you feel that? Or are you sort of cool with both sides of California? No, I'm definitely cool with both. I don't know.

LA has things that I'm far more interested in. You know, Bay Area is all tech. Not a lot of art. I don't know. LA is just a lot more artsy-fartsy, and that's what I am, artsy-fartsy. What did I miss? LA is artsy-fartsy, and that's what I am, artsy-fartsy. What did I miss? LA's artsy-fartsy.

Where did you go? I went to have a sandwich. You're probably fired. What? You might be fired. From the show or from the network? Yeah, I guess all-inclusive, like a whole package. You started the show, and then you just sort of said, hold on a second.

It's been seven minutes, and then you just came back, and you asked, what did I miss? minutes. And then you just came back and you asked, what did I miss? Have you guys seen Hamilton? Yeah. It's like, what did I miss? We got the reference. We were upset that you were gone for so long. It wasn't that we didn't understand the joke. Well, I assembled this shit, motherfuckers.

So I guess what's going to happen? Everything you just said, gone. This is where it starts. Hamilton. So if the first part of this podcast is in here you made a terrible mistake is that you're ready willing to admit you're going on the record if this is not the beginning i didn't say that it's on the record but i'll delete the files and so what you would what you would prefer is that the show starts with us getting into an argument about hamilton that's going to be the beginning of the show argument ideally you just agree with my stance all right let's try it exactly how you wish it would go so you you'll come back into the club okay please welcome to

the show ferris monchi hello hello happy to be here ferris have you seen hamilton sorry ferris have you seen hamilton no I hear it's great. Introduce Ferris. Give him context so the audience knows who Ferris is and why he's here. You got short with Ferris instantly. He was saying hello, and you got a little... You looked like you were frustrated with him, and you interrupted. You said, sorry, have you seen Hamilton? We're all on the same team.

No, we're not. We're all on the same team. No, we're not. This is Ferris Monshi producer of the show engineer of the show engineer of the network, friend of the network CEO

I think. Close. It's pretty close. That's coming together. CMO. Chief Monshi officer. Nice. I'll take it. When we first started this call Amir commented on your hair that it was core length, but it looks really good. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Yeah. It does. It's just been running hog wild. A lot of people are concerned about, like, how do I get my hair cut? Oh, no, this is getting crazy. And I'm just kind of leaning into it and just let's just see what happens. It hasn't been this long since like high school when I used to listen to, I don't know, As I Lay Dying. So.

You look like a Jonas cousin. I could see, yeah. Jonas and Jason for sure. And you got the, you got that ax hanging up on the wall behind you. Do you know any Jonas Brothers? You know what? Let's circle back on that. I'll have to work on some Jonas Brothers covers. Also, I like that you said Jonas adjacent because he's actually Jonas adjacent.

This is Jason Jonas, a.k.a. Ferris Monchi. That's sort of my artist name. I release music under Jason Jonas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's sort of my artist name. I release music under Jason Jonas. Ferris, would you like to tell us about yourself? Yeah, I'm the audio guy at HeadGum.

I do audio-related things. Sometimes that's removing coughs from recordings. Sometimes it's removing farts from recordings. Sorry about that. Yeah, you'd be surprised. I don't think I'm very good at my job. I think I'm actually pretty bad. I don't know how many people have noticed, but in the past five episodes of this show,

you guys have pleaded with me to remove things from the recordings and I'm just kind of I just kind of gloss over it and I let it I think I've let maybe 20 moments slide maybe an hour's worth of content that you didn't want

in is in because it would have ruined our careers all of episode 3 shouldn't have happened yeah that was a full episode but you've taken out all of the farts yeah i feel like i feel like none of my farts have gotten into any of these past episodes and there was a couple spd ones some really really silent farts that i think you removed just because you know you know me when i'm tooting and you're taking out the tiniest little bit of air and And I appreciate that. I've got this preset.

It's called Jake Farts. It just sort of, it just scans over your audio track. Yeah. Sometimes you need to get room tone. You got to get room tone because I'm just farting nonstop. And you have to remove that after the fact. Yeah. So I'll take a fart.

I'll take a fart sample, in fact, and I'll tell Adobe Audition to remove everything that sounds like that. And a lot of things do. And so a lot of your breaths are gone, too, because of that. Because they also smell like shit. Hey, hey. Any stinky gas that comes out of your mouth or ass will just sort of disappear.

It shouldn't be that way, by the way. This isn't, like, you're making more work for Ferris. Like, he's being nice about it, but, like, he had to take room tone. Like, you shouldn't have to take room tone for a podcast. Well, I have a gastro intestinal disorder okay what's it called farts ation it's like rosacea my farts are a rash um I thought it'd be fun because Ferris, you, you're already, you're kind of like, you know,

how New York city is like a character in sex in the city. I haven't seen it here. It's great. Fuck. It really ride it on you knowing sex in the city. Couldn't know. New York, the character I follow. Okay.

Uh, yeah, you're kind of like, you're kind of like the New York City to the HeadGum podcast. So I thought it'd be fun if we kind of pulled not only the room, but specifically the youm over Zoom. And we say, ask, what would Ferris do? And I'm going to pose you a couple scenarios. And Jake and Amir, feel free to pitch in or pinch hit any of these. But Ferris, say your two roommates are upset at each other and you sort of feel that tension what would ferris do who's answering right now the way you got in there was so convoluted he said have you seen sex in the city because new

york is a character and you're kind of a character ferris cut this out for sure and then you said you said that amir and i could weigh in and pinch hit if we wanted to and asked such a specific what would Ferris do? That's impossible for us to weigh in. You see what they do, Ferris? They fucking tear me down before we even try the bit. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Hang on.

And this is actually part of my answer. What I would do is sit down the roommates for a conversation and we're going to do that right now. You guys are having an argument. We're going to sit down and talk this out and I think I know how to find a compromise. Your calming voice is

so soothing I have to just listen to it. Can you say hot buttered rum? Can I say it? Yeah, just in your voice. No, but I hear it's great. Ferris right now is on a video loop it? Yeah, just in your voice. No, but I hear it's great. Oh, I see. Ferris right now is on a video loop, so regardless of what you say,

he'll just say no, but I hear it's great. The answers are vague enough that it sounds like he's in the room. But yeah, this sounds like sort of a who wants to be a millionaire lifeline situation, so is that what you mean? Are Jake and Amir my backup if

i if i'm struggling to answer yeah the questions are posed to you but jake and amir can you know just feel free to say anything all right give us the next one if you can't if you come up short well yeah let's do it the next one but all right uh you missed your flight to a distant relative's wedding but you didn't want to go anyways what's the question you didn't say a question the question is what would ferris do all of these the question is what would ferris do blumenfeld obviously so say it back me up i mean i i know i don't i don't see how it's a good question but it's a question i understand that the i understand the form you miss your flight by like 10 minutes so you're at the united desk and like you could pay for another flight but you didn't want

to go to the wedding like i never did want to go no it was obligation and i'm and i just did it out of out of obligation yeah i can tell you i would already be upset about having paid the initial money for that flight and it's sort of i don't know i think it would at that point it would probably be like that sunk sunk cost fallacy but i would probably fall for the fallacy like i'm aware that it's a fallacy but i would but i would succumb to it and i would probably buy the ticket if there's an open bar i'll go that's that's the answer so you'll pay seven hundred dollars to get to a free drink or nine bar nine bar none bar bar none i would have to drink so much to make up for it. But, you know, bring it on.

Your ex-girlfriend dates your dad. What would Ferris do? Holy crap. Ex-girlfriend dates your dad. What would you do? Did all this stuff happen to you, Jeff? Hard to celebrate Father's Day when your new mommy is your old mommy. You know what I mean?

No, but I hear it's great. Bump. Bump. That's the sax point right there. That was the great sax comment. That's where you cut the... This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, if you had an extra hour in your day, a lot of people would spend that very differently than the one sitting next to them.

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So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. Jeff, are you sitting? I'm doing a wall sit, so my quads are just like shaking.

Your posture is like you're sort of hunched over, like your hands are on your knees, and you're talking to like a small dog or something. Jake's in a closet. Huh? I said Jake's in a closet. There's a printer that could fall on his neck at any time. My closet's pretty spacious, honestly. This is a nice closet.

You're in a linen closet. I lied about this being a closet. This is my room. I'm a Harry Potter in more than one way. Nice. Oh, shit. He pointed to his scar on his scab. I think we should let the listener know.

This is a real question, though. I think that, I mean, Jake, you're going to love this one, but I'd love to hear this from you, Ferris, as well, because, Ferris, how long have you worked at HeadGum? That's the question. You thought Jake was going to love that one? And it was just, how long have you worked at HeadGum? Jake, you're going to love this.

You're going to love this. I've been at HeadGum for about six months now oh my god Jake loves that shit what do you think of changing last names you guys switching last names it's kind of Jeffrey Monchi Ferris James oh wow

I love Ferris James Ferris James and Jeffrey Monchi works for you Jeff because you're kind of like why is that word, because you're kind of like... Why does that work for me? You're like, introduce yourself to me and I'll see which way sort of makes more sense to me on the day. I'll be Dan Day-Lewis. Nice.

You'll be Daniel Day-Lewis? Dan. Dan Day-Lewis, his cousin. It's the same name, though. It's still Daniel Day-Lewis. I'll go by Danny. Yeah, Danny Lewis. What's your name? My name's Jeffrey Monchi monchi i love that that was perfect for you it doesn't work

because ferris monchi and s is like a closed yeah s closes a word monchi kind of like opens it up to possibility jeffrey opens it up to possibility james closes you can't have two words open up you know you have to have a closed and an open, which we both have. Jeffrey Monchi. Yeah, that's perfect. Did someone say I was going to love this? I don't know which part. I haven't even gotten to ask the question yet because of your fucking prods and pokes at everything that I do. I spend hours putting these things together.

And then on the show, it sounds like I'm doing it off the cuff because the way you guys kind of dissect this shit. Ferris cut all of this out so far. We're starting the show right now. Sorry. I know you put a lot of thought into Ferris. What would you do if your ex dated your dad? Oh, yeah. Gosh.

I was trying to remember why I felt so negative over the past couple minutes. That question is like really, really upsetting for some reason. Because it means like. It means on you. Yeah. Because it also means my parents are divorced now so this is like a lot there's a lot coming at me man a lot has to happen for that to be the case yeah um this is the question and i'm gonna love today i'm gonna love 7.4 magnitude earthquake hit uh oaxaca is that true or you're this is a hypothetical this is no this is true um earlier

today a 7.4 magnitude earthquake hit Oaxaca Mexico if the big one hits LA where do you guys want to move to now Jake I know you live in New York but like you in this scenario you lose your LA place okay and I get to I actually do love this question so is only Ferris answering? Ferris can lead us off. Okay. Okay, let's start with what are some of the flattest states in America? Kansas. Okay. So like Jeff, you're good where you are. We can come to you. Amir would love that.

I wouldn't. I don't want to live with you. Do you have room? Well, not really. Yeah, you're in a closet right now. Where would I possibly? Bedroom. You can't even fit in your room.

So I don't know how you house house me as well after the big one you think i'm moving to cleveland that'd have to be an enormous earthquake in so many places for me to land in cleveland that'd have to be a hurricane i'm saying the biggest earthquake in history hits los angeles it's dust it's done you have to move so we're dead where are you gonna no you're not dead obviously you're not dead but you have to get out of town you lost all your shit you get the money you get the insurance check you can you can buy a place anywhere else where is it going to be and when and why and how and who with who austin texas oh really yeah the weather's nice uh it seems more affordable than la it's not too far from new york or from california if they ever decide to rebuild and the food's good.

Have you been to Austin in the late summer, early fall, though? Because I feel like you've only gone for South by. I don't know if I've been in the late summer, early fall, no. Because I went last September and it was the hottest I've been in years. It's humid. It's swampy. You would hate it. It made me, I wanted to live in Austin until I went to visit my buddy Kevin.

You should be worried about Jeffrey Monchi more than anything else. Cause you have to worry about number one and Kevin's Kevin's worried about it's Kevin James, right? We can say that it's the king of Queens. Yeah. So Kevin James is only working only worried about Kevin James. So like you have to also worry about yourself too. Cause like, you know, Kevin James is not going to be considering Jeffrey Monchi. The question was, where would you you move amir's the only one who's answered you know what man let's get real this this would be a good opportunity to just leave the u.s i think at this point that's cool that's fair i don't know i don't know where you can't go anywhere because of coronavirus right now but yeah let's assume we get a vaccine soon you You can move anywhere in the world. Where would it be?

Yeah. Like Alaska then. Alaska. Because it's still US, but like super far away from here. But have you been into Alaska in like late summer, early fall? Is that when it's all daylight all the time? Yeah, it is daylight until like 11 PM or something. Yeah. There was an Al Pacino movie about this, and he loses his mind. He's like a detective in Alaska. I think it's called Insomnia.

And he loses his mind because he can't get any sleep. So I'll have to, probably not Alaska. Hawaii. Better. Better answer. Jeffrey, what's yours? If I was going to leave the country, because that's a good thing, I would probably do Vancouver. But if I was going to stay in the US, I would probably go Portland.

If you're going to leave the country, you got to leave the continent. Don't be a loser. What? Okay? Don't just leave the country, but move to Vancouver. He said he wanted to leave the country, And then the first thing he says is Alaska. Vancouver is closer to Ohio than Los Angeles, coward. You don't want to leave your parents?

No, it's not. I think it, okay. It's not. Maybe. It could be. I'm not sure. It's close. It's close.

Fine. Fucking New Zealand. Auckland. That's what I, Auckland? No. Christ Church. No. Yeah. I've. No. Yeah.

I've never been. There's no coronavirus there, so that'd be the greatest place to be right now. Also, wasn't Christ Church already ravaged by an earthquake? Okay, I'll move to... Queenstown. Queensland. Queenstown.

Queenstown. Queenstown, New Zealand. Bungie capital of the world. That's right. Picture me floating. Have you guys ever bungied? No, but I hear it's great. I would skydive before I bungied. Jake and I took a trip to New Zealand and they offered us a free bungie off, I believe it's the tallest bungie in the world. So what was the place called? Something Falls in it's Queenstown, New Zealand. What was it called? I have no idea what it was called.

We had, me and you had gone skydiving. We had courage at one point to go skydiving. And then we were offered the free bungee and both of us were too scared to do it. And I have no regrets. I have zero regrets about not doing it. No part of me is like, damn, I wish I went bungee jumping. I am fully fine that I haven't gone. And I never will. Here's what it is. It's a place called the Nevis Gorge or something near Queenstown, New Zealand.

I guess they invented bungees. So, like, they got the biggest bungees in the world. And they would take us to the place where, I guess it's not the biggest bungee in the world. It's like number two or three. It's 134 meters called the Nevis Highwire. But next to it, if you don't want to do the bungee, you can do the biggest swing in the world so they have like the second biggest bungee in the world or the biggest swing in the world and the difference is with the swing they sort of put you and a buddy me and jake in a giant like diaper situation they like lift you up like a claw machine and hold you over this gorge that's 500 feet in the air suspended that way you don't have to jump they just press a button and you fall and it's considered the biggest swing in the world right you get to do it so the entire yeah you get to do it with a friend and this this activity was sort of hanging over us the entire trip because it's like you know in three days we're gonna go to this place you could do the bungee or the swing two days we're gonna go you could do the bungee or the swing and

like i was like should i just like hype myself up and fucking go for it like this is gonna like when else can i say i did a bungee jump in New Zealand? That's so unlike me. But then they like take you on a bus ride to this nevus gorge. It's like you're already in the middle of nowhere in Queenstown, New Zealand. And they take you on a bus ride, which is like a very precarious bus ride up a mountain. So like you're already feeling the entire time you feel like you're driving towards your death. Like you were like, I should get off this bus. Yeah. the bus ride is probably less safe than the bungee itself like the guy's like yeah you guys where are you guys from like looking backwards fucking on this like very precarious cliff don't look over to the right

a scottish expat who's obsessed with bungee jumping so much so that he drives the bus for the junji bungee jumping place uh and then when we get there, there's like, you know, it's like this gondola on a hill and they take you to where the biggest bungee would be and Jake and I were too afraid to do the bungee. So instead we did the world's largest swing in the Nevis Gorge in Queenstown, New Zealand. Was it Nevis Gorgeous?

It was, it was very cold. So like we were in a jacket bundled together and there's a video of it, I think on our Instagram where they they sort of like hold you over the gorge. And the guy, since he's like a New Zealand fucking like backpacker who's operating the thing, it's like kind of sarcastic and fucking with you. So he's like, what time you want? When do you guys want to go? You want me to say three, two, one, and then press the button. Do you want to say one, two, three? Do you guys want to count? And we're just like, just fucking do it. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm too scared. And then he's like, you guys do those prank videos, right?

And Jake's like, I don't do it. That's not me. Please don't like punish me for what I'm usually doing. And then he's like, all right, just let me know when you guys want to go. Presses the button. We fall to our seeming death, but we're like screaming and so exhilarated in the entire process and then we you get lifted back up and put back on the thing and they offer he's like do you guys want to go again we're like no no no no no we're okay we're all i don't want to do this anymore please take me home back to america specifically we felt so good when it was over

like it was it was like this weird test that was hanging over our head the entire time. Yeah. It was the only difference, like it's the same height as the bungee, the same, I guess, death-defying risk. But the only difference is the bungee, you have to literally like stare over the edge and fling yourself. And like that's the biggest barrier to overcome. It's like I don't want to stand on the edge and basically overcome this idea that I'm about to kill myself by jumping off this thing, hoping that a rubber band attached to my fucking feet. I'll put on a diaper and you can push me. That's what I'll sign up for. Because I'm already shitting myself. Well, I just want to clarify.

It's called a swing. So that sounds kind of pleasant. But what you described is more like a like a drop zone like a death drop downwards is that more like it rather yeah it just doesn't go straight down and back up like a bungee but you do just fall straight and then eventually you sort of it's like a pendulum but it feels like a free fall was that part fun like when you like how many times did you get to swing you swing i think we probably swung like five or six times ten times was that part fun like when you like how many times did you get to swing you swing i think we probably swung like five or six times ten times was that relaxing at all or no yeah as soon as as soon as you complete the first arc you're like oh okay it didn't break now i'm not afraid anymore

and but then i was afraid as we were getting pulled back up because he had said you guys do those pranks i was certain that he was gonna prank us and like let it go again so i didn't feel good until i was back on solid ground and then like i walked far away from where the swing was i was like okay now i'm what was the like swing radius like how long was the rope like how long i want to say it was like 500 feet or something. Something that looked very far. Like, yeah. More than a football field vertically over this gorge. That's insane. I should go watch that.

I don't know if I've ever seen that. Yeah. It's just Jake and I laughing nervously and then eventually dropping. And you can choose the way you want to drop. Like we just chose standard holding onto a swing style, but like, since it's New Zealand and they don't seemingly give a fuck they're like yeah we can do it backwards you could do upside down if you want some more thrill we can uh blindfold you and put you on a chair and shove you off this thing

we're okay just the that was not even the standard just the standard and all these options are on their website like a menu of ways they can push you off this fucking gorge. 300 meters. So that's 984 feet. How many stories is that? 100? It's one amazing story that I just told you. And you fell 100 amazing stories. What's the best salary to have, Ferris?

What's the best salary to have? I don't know. Like a salary. You know,'t know. Like, a salary. You know, like, not... Just having a job. I got quarantine on the mind, so I'm just, like, trying to be real... I'm just trying to be real grateful these days,

and I'm sometimes failing at that right now, too. So I'm just going to go with, like, any paycheck, man. That's... Anything is good. That's a good attitude. Yeah. Because I was going to say, like, $500, man. Anything is good. That's a good attitude. Yeah. Because I was going to say like $500,000. Like $500,000.

Yeah, can you imagine just like every two weeks you just fucking open your checking account, there's like 38 Gs in there. Every two years you're a millionaire. I love Ferris' answer. It was really humble. It was really heartfelt. Actually, what about $700,000 a week?

Are you fucking kidding me, dude? Imagine having so much cash. You don't even know what to do with it. There are CEOs that make hundreds of millions of dollars. If you're so greedy about cash, just say that. I can't even fucking think about that like that than that yeah like for me like what amir 875 that's insane to have that right because then it's like 875 what's your raise at that point like another 80 g's if they're like call

you and say we want to give you a bonus oh my god that's so tight i'd be so fucking grateful i know like it's like around the holidays people are like you're trying to get gifts for your family and you can afford it and they still give you the bonus and it's like exponentially that's awesome like people who make hourly wages it's like fucking crazy that's cool i wouldn't give anybody a fucking gift because they don't deserve it because they don't have my job they don't realize how hard it is to fucking do the shit that i do and to get the cash that i get what is your what is sorry what's your job that you're making this insane salary from like what's your what's that because you're talking

about like the goats out like the greatest salary what is the job that you're doing like any job what if i would be a toilet i would be a toilet in the lobby of jp morgan chase just like open my mouth to take a fucking dump into me for 1.8 million are you kidding me every week you can buy a car i would be so grateful for that and i would be humbled yeah humbled i would be humbled to have someone shit in your mouth for a six for a seven figure salary that makes you home grounding it's grounding yeah that's cool um i just watched this video about like photography and the guy who was hosting it his name was jp morgan j-a-y p initial morgan i'm like include that so you don't have to include the p yes it is just say jason jay jay middle name p-e-a morgan okay ferris if you could edit real life what would you cut out

and why that's a cool question that's a cool question man thank you like every other you can pass question that you had was fucking i don't want to be too negative because i know you're trying really hard but like like all of your other questions were so fucking bad like that's so negative i know but i was trying to keep. Like I was like, I know, but I was trying to keep it in. I was like trying to, they were bad questions. They were right.

Were you, I was like trying to like put on a show like, Oh, this is fun. This is a good interview. But Jeff, I feel like Jeff was just like bombing it so badly. Yeah.

Same. And, and I was just like, you saw the text I was sending you Ferris and Amir just about, I feel like I think I'm on that thread or you should have me. Bad question, boys. You saw the text I was sending you, Ferris, and Amir just about how bad a host he was. I think I'm on that thread. Bad question, boys. The BQBs.

That's the name of the group. But this is awesome. I really like what I'm trying to say is that I really like this question. I thought it was really cool. I thought it was really good. So I think this is ultimately positive. You choke on gum at a funeral. You choke on gum.

You're supposed to be. It's a moment of silence. You choke on your gum during a moment of silence. What would Ferris do? You choke on gum at a funeral. You choke on gum. You're supposed to be, it's a moment of silence. You choke on your gum during a moment of silence. What would Ferris do? Wait, well, I answered the question that was good. You got greedy. You thought you could, you thought you had turned the page. I thought that one would win you back, yeah.

It was a diamond in the rough. Let's hear the answer to the one good question. Yeah. You edited the one good question out. I mean, I would edit myself choking on gum out for sure. That's embarrassing. Yeah, no, actually, that's really good. It makes me think, I mean, that's essentially like, would I still experience the moment that I edit out?

Like, I don't know, like, what's the surgery called where you get a camera up your butt? Colonoscopy. Colonoscopy. Colonoscopy. Can I edit that out? And would it be edited out of my memory? And would I not feel it? It would just be other people.

It'd be like click. Like you have the memory, but other people don't. Nice. So you could erase that memory for the doctor that had to perform it on your ass. Meaning that, and for medical records, so you have to get it again. So you could edit it so you keep on getting it if you enjoy that. Electrical and hospital. Yeah, so I can do things over and over again as well. This is like an insane superpower.

I like this a lot. Well, don't abuse the power. With great power comes great. What was it? Like you have to make sure that you're handling it well. With great power comes grapes that is the quote right yeah comes grapes responsibility both of you guys did a bad job with the quote yeah what quote uh it's a a viniculture thing wine ferris is from wine

country that's why i mentioned that all right i'm gonna have to use my lifeline here jake and amir what would you like help me get the ball rolling here. There's so much you could do with this. You make vacations slow, speed up work, slow down sex, slow down family gatherings and holidays. You slow down the things that bring you joy. You speed up the things that bring you pain and grief. Anything strife on your life gets sped up and anything nice in your lice gets slowed down your life expectancy stays pretty much the same uh but you don't have to worry about the bad shit i like it that was a really good answer jake all jokes aside sorry all jokes aside that was fucking awesome, man.

What are you talking about? He says anything nice on your lice gets speed up. I'll show it to you on a private Zoom chat later. I don't want to, because I don't know if, I don't feel like Mir and Ferris are into it. All right.

Mir, what'd you say? Nothing. I was trying to change the subject because you kept saying, show us your dick, show us your dick. I don't think we should have that in. So I was trying to keep the other thing alive. Like you said, aberration, Jake.

The aberration of Amir saying, trying to change the subject. Get that out of there. That was the most important part of this podcast. What's one thing? One thing that you're most looking forward to post-core? So during the Great War and World War II, everybody was like, what are you going to do post-war?

Like when this is all over, ah, it's so fucking crazy. I have to stay home. So post-Kor, what are you looking forward to? I, for some reason, missed the sensation of... Head. I'm sorry? Oh my gosh. Sorry, he said the beach

we can cut that part out what were you saying Hilton head yeah I'm sorry I'm focused now on Jeff talking about blowjobs yeah see now it's it's sort of imbued the entire podcast for some weird reason I'm missing the sensation of oral

so I'm looking forward to that you couldn't think of it. Yeah, that is spectacular. I was just going to say, I weirdly miss the sensation of being like in a crowded space around strangers and that I probably wouldn't have ever had this thought before all this, but I like being in a busy, loud environment where I don't know just like just like a bar setting a busy restaurant people moving about there's just ambient noise of people having a good time I kind of I miss that so I don't know I just I just want to go specifically I want to go I want to find an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant and go there like i haven't had all you can eat sushi in a long time but it better be busy there and i better be like bumping elbows

with a stranger next to me or a celeb especially i love you even better like if charlie's theron was having a crispy tuna on rice and then you're like sorry hold on excuse me for a second because you're trying to like get to the bathroom but you like accidentally bump elbows with oh how is how is charlie's charlie's is fine i mean she's hanging in there it's just for charlie's like so you know she's an extrovert so so much of what charlie's runs on is like the social interactions oh that's funny because charlie's actually is is a winchell's woman as you know the charlie's is, she's an extrovert. She misses the social interaction. She misses sushi as well.

You know, Charlize has that, she's like obsessed with like, she always says like the same thing. Whenever I called Charlize, she's like, hey man, like, hey Charlize. Give her my best. Give her my best. Me too. Give her my best. I will. She doesn't know you, but she's like, hi, Charlize. Give her my best. Give her my best. Me too.

Give her my best. I will. She doesn't know you, but she's like, yeah, she loves like a salmon. Anything salmon. Anything. Whenever I see a salmon, I'm like, Charlize, I took this photo for you. And it's always like such a funny thing. Give her Ferris's best as well.

She doesn't know Ferris either. Yeah. So Charlize is just so funny like that. She's always just like talking about raw fish. She's funny like that, that she doesn't know Ferris? I was saying, Charlize is funny. And in addition to that, she doesn't know Ferris. But like, I was talking about taking Charlize to like that.

Wait, is that what she was saying about raw fish? Because she loves raw fish, you were saying? Yeah, she goes to the fish market. She always has these dreams about going to the fish market. What's that called in Seattle? The Pike's Place or whatever? She goes to them or she dreams of it. Sorry, Jeff, do you want to give Charlize your best?

Jeff, do you want to give her your your best Jeff do you want to give her your best he's already shot it down twice yeah give Charlize Theron my best I guess yeah she doesn't know Jeff but I will let Charlize know also did you say that you send every time you see salmon you send her a photo like you're just at 365

and you just send her raw fish forget it forget it you're fucking kidding me and you just send her raw fish? Forget it. Forget it. Are you fucking kidding me? I asked one question. You go on a fucking rant. I was trying to have a conversation with you about my friend Charlize.

And you won't shut up about giving her your fucking best. So I'm going to give you my worst. How did you meet?ble bumble bff bumble bf charlie's the question was what are you most looking forward to post-core ferris you said rubbing elbows sushi restaurant i'm here playing basketball basketball, five-on-five, public gym with friends. Hook me up.

I haven't sweat in four months. Name one thing I can't do during quarantine. If I put my mind to it. A concert. Oh, all right. Well, yeah. Yeah, go to a club. Obviously, I miss going to clubs and concerts,

and I can't wait to do that, okay? Yeah. But give me one other thing that I can't do. Knicks game, Nets game. Yeah, go to sporting events. Yeah, I would love and i can't wait to do that okay yeah but give me one other thing that i can't do next game that's yeah going to sporting events yeah i would love i can't wait to go to sport give me one thing that i can't do now besides give you four okay flying anywhere you want without at least without having to worry all right now you're actually making me a little depressed about the quarantine now that i'm thinking about all the shit that i can't do you should have been thinking about it it's not like on me that you're sad it's on you that you've kind of been repressing them i feel like i haven't seen any i haven't seen amir's friend charlie's in ever oh my god this is crazy charlie's is facetiming me

can i get this yeah charlie's hi sorry i'm charlie's hi no it's me it's me are we gonna be able to hear any of her audio i don't know how this is i me are we going to be able to hear any of her audio I don't know how this is I wonder if we're going to be able to hear any of her you're muted Charlie's Charlie's Charlie's you're I can't hear you

stop saying Charlie's Charlie's Charlie's I can't Charlie's Charlie's yeah I just checked instagram she's live right now so this whole time he's you think that you're friends with the charlie's but you're just watching her instagram lives right yeah um i'm seeing the

same thing you're seeing oh really can you set her my best she blocked me she doesn't know you she has no idea. Scrolling through your DMs, it's a bunch of photos of raw fish. She hasn't yet seen any of it. Just salmon. It says Charlie's. Tuna. Charlie's. Text her that says Charlie's Angels. Nice.

Ferris, do you have any parting wisdom teeth? A.K.A. when did you get yours removed buddy alright guys this has been awesome thanks a lot good to see you Ferris good seeing you Jake Jake come on no because it always ends like this everybody kind of signs off and then I'm left to my own

not only devices but like I'll stay I'll stick around I want to hear what he says for his parting wisdom Jake is gone but I will stay I parted with my wisdom teeth on two different occasions, which is just, I should. I'm sorry, I have to go. Yeah, I understand. Wait, okay.

Well. Jeff, you here for this? I'm here, yeah. It's not a great story, but it's my story. Essentially, I had my bottom two wisdom teeth removed. Oh, you know what? Sorry. Dinner just...

I'm just going to keep... This will be recorded so you guys can listen back. I'm just going to... Okay. Well. Yeah, it happened on two different occasions. We got the bottom teeth out first. We thought that would be enough.

It wasn't. Several years later, I had a lot of pain coming from the top two wisdom teeth. So I had to do that again. Bad both times. Vicodin both times though so alright that was a hate gun podcast