The Headgum Podcast - 61: Johnny is the Segment

Episode Date: July 30, 2021

Danny, Johnny, and Marika join Geoff to discuss stand-up comedy, meeting fans, and seersucker-clad celebrities!BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH!Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. What to read right now. I kind of want it to be dad. That one's news. All right. How to read right now. Weird for your dad to email you that.

Yes, my dad emailed me that. Wait, what did that email say that one said subject line how to read right now that one said you probably can't even decipher what i'm telling you right now so i'm going to tell you how i really feel you're a disappointment to me and my family i'm an immigrant and i wanted you to have a better life than i have not only did you have the opportunities to do so but but you squandered them. Don't come home for Thanksgiving. And the subject line again was? How to read right now.

Got it. All right. Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco hasn't had a normal quarantine. News. Correct. All right. Forward. Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco hasn't had a normal quarantine.

Very cool, Dan. Correct. word big bang theories kaylee cuoco hasn't had a normal very cool dad correct Oh shit! Back at it again. Friday, July 23rd, 2021. Let's get into it. We're here with the core four. Marika Brownlee on the sax, Danny Sellers bringing up the rear, and the prodigal son himself, Johnny Villa. Hello, everybody.

Did you guys appreciate that I didn't do the USSR National Anthem to start? Yeah, I really did. Or did you want to hear it? No, we don't have to play it. We don't have to play it right now. Let's go how are you feeling it's i feel like proud and loud yeah i would say I feel like a million rupees right now, honestly. That's not that much money. Yeah, I know.

I don't really feel like a million bucks. Danny, what currency do you feel like? The American dollar? I'm a euro. Isn't a euro a little bit more? That's going to be mine. Nice. So you're feeling good. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll be a pound. Just the one? One shilling? Yeah, just one. I feel like one pound. Yeah.'re feeling good. I'm sorry. I'll be a pound. Just the one? One shilling. Yeah, just one. I feel like one pound. Yeah. One quid. Nice.

I was so confused when I was young about what quid means, but it's just the equivalent of bucks. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Show what the attitude, man. The attitude is here to stay.

You got one tattoo. What you stay. Wow. This is incredible. man the attitude is here to stay one tattoo wow this is incredible as always we can't hear anything you're singing can you turn it up a little bit I wish I could

great I mean the sound effects just keep piling on every episode i get on they're just more and more sound effects really it's like you're chaining them together which holy shit yeah word of the week finally i got it no fucking way he got it this fast isn't fair chaining no you're oh my god johnny spelled y-e-r or your y-o-u apostrophe r-e bill what's your uh venmo this is a good one i'm gonna state my venmo publicly please don't bleep this one out because i want fans to send me extra money it's not a good idea at okay really john wait what's up danny

that's the it's really yeah and then and then that's that's me that's it yeah not coming up oh really wait let me see yeah oh my god yeah it says jonathan rodriguez i guess send it to him and then just kind of tell him.

Is there an E at the end? Give him a heads up. Oh, I didn't do the dash. Gotcha. All right, that's $1,000. Okay, thank you very much. Great. Jeffrey, actually, is it cool if I have the floor for a moment?

Yeah, of course. Okay. Well, I really... Are you going to do a segment? Yeah, I'm going to do a segment. Okay, because I had you slotted for 20 minutes in. We're only about three. So we do have 16 minutes to fill.

It happened to me last week. Unless it banks on being right now. No, it doesn't bank on being right now. Let's save it for another 15 minutes from now. It's happened twice now. You've got to learn to tell people when their segment is. That's my bad. That was an error on my part.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. Thank you. Did you get all these sounds from like 2004, bro? I don't know if any of you guys have seen the soundboard. I've seen it like when Jeff shares a screen. It's like buttons on buttons. I've never seen a page that's that.

It's a GeoCities website. Yeah, it's insane. Look at that. Well, let me tell you, Johnny. You're not that guy, pal. You're not that guy, pal. Trust me never seen a page that's website. Yeah, it's insane. Look at that. Well, let me tell you, Johnny, you're not that guy, pal. Trust me. You're not that guy.

Not that guy. That one's for Danny. Why is it 18 Zillow tabs open? I was just looking at a house. He got your ass. That's one of my favorite

things to do is look at real estate and then, it used to be look at real estate and then move, but my house is great and we got a great deal on it. So I don't... I'm not going to move. Jeff will like randomly send you a Zillow thing and it'll be like a celebrity that you didn't want to know where they lived. But now you know.

Yeah. He's done that to me before. Danny, do you want to know where Jason Sudeikis lives? I don't care, bro. All right. All right. But sure. For content's sake, sure, let's do it.

He lives in... Let me get the street name. You don't have to. No, let's figure this out. Is he still over there or what? Yeah, he stayed. He stayed. Olivia Wilde ended up moving to... in Laurel Canyon with Harry Styles.

And then now she's like with him in Europe, which is too fast. You're going to get these people killed. Danny, how's stand-up going? Oh, it's going, bro. Brand new city. A lot of rejection. Barely any rejection, but rejection happens.

I'm still funny, so that's tight. Yeah. Nice. Trying my best best the move didn't squeeze the jokes out of you they made more jokes a lot of good jokes in la a lot of traffic yeah you know a lot of hippies nice are there hippies in your neighborhood no where we work is a lot of hippies oh 100 well they're hippies but they're like trust fund hippies oh yeah i have a fantastic new joke about silver lane that you should hear. I'd love to.

Well, I'm going to be out of town for big one. But plug big one. Yeah, big one. Is it August 7th? Yeah. Link in my bio if you follow me. Follow Sellers. It's fire.

I'm excited. I'm just as excited for the lineup. Some comedian homies of mine from Chicago throw it it in their backyard as type jeff you just did stand up recently yeah jeff tell us about yeah i did stand up for the first time it was so my friend cory shout out cory lane at business casual comedy he said uh i'm starting this thing in my garage it's a home gym thing where people can test out new material every few weeks uh it was also in my neighborhood so i was like i have no excuse not to do this because everybody's gonna be trying new shit there's gonna be a lot of people bombing i'll be bombing but it'll

all be stuff that i worked weeks at instead of people who maybe wrote a joke that day and tried it out um some jokes really hit others really didn't And that's just kind of part of it, right, Danny? Yeah, sure, yeah. Well, Danny wouldn't understand. All his jokes hit. Yeah. I wish. If I did, this would be my fucking party.

A lot of them were one-liners that I just recycled from Twitter. So I'm hoping nobody followed me after the show and just saw that I just, it's like shit that I tweeted for you said out loud my car is a pair or whatever on a stage because that's not funny but I did do the most mileage

out of the one that bombed the most where people weren't even not laughing they were like that was but dumb was I said raise your hand if you know how to make a croque madame from scratch and then one person raised their hand and I pointed at them and I said, raise your hand if you know how to make a croque madame from scratch. And then one person raised their hand and I pointed at them and I said, die. That's just violent. Yeah, it was just violent. And I said immediately, I was like, shouldn't have said that.

I did the bit that I gave money out. I gave somebody $80, folded up and told them it was $100. I could have just given them $20 instead. I could have not given them real money. It was so dumb. You legit gave them real money yeah I gave them money because I was like oh that always kills on the HeadGum podcast I went to an ATM

it was so dumb so you spent more on gas and probably parking yeah but I drive a hybrid so I figure I've at least saved that much money over the past five months but anyway are you doing it full time? are you like in it? I want to be that much money over the past five months um that's tight but anyway and then some of them are doing it full-time are you like in it i want to be maybe not full-time like you're really

dedicated you do multiple mics a night i don't know if i would do that but i definitely want to do like one once a week we believe you we all believe you believe in you i'm sorry yeah nobody thinks you're bullshitting us but yeah you should do this mic it was it was a really fun vibe but the the garage was like it's like all wood panel it was like it backed up into an alley so sometimes when cars drove by everybody would have to move it was it was kind of it was a good vibe marika you tried stand up never johnny uh no oh you fantasized about it i don't believe that john i feel like johnny's tried a little bit of everything yeah i've like written stuff but then like i'll review it like the next week and i'll be like i thank god i did not say this on a stage. Well, Johnny made this video. We're going to listen to the audio right

now. And it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Here we go. This is from Johnny Villa's Instagram at Johnny V. Hey guys, just wanted to share this amazing life hack that I found out about, you know, any restaurant and you ask them if you want to eat in the bathroom, they'll let you just wanted to share this. I think this is an amazing thing that I'm going to be using way more in the future. Videos of him eating on various restaurant toilets. It's so funny

to me. Also, this is a fire fit. Beige chinos, off-white. Sorry, let me fucking finish. Beige chinos, off-white t-shirt oh buddy johnny's looking svelte look jeff you're gonna i know you're gonna visit the east side in a bit yeah so don't call it you have yet to see the fits no johnny's johnny's rocking a good fit today what is let's see it because all it looks like right now is a navy t-shirt it's a navy it is a navy t-shirt yeah uh we should say johnny and marika recording from the new york office and what does it say

it's a graphic t it says looks like a guy's huffing laughing man taking a picture of uh america mercer is this one of the uhMA tees? Yes, it is. Classic. Cropped Tanchinos that I tailored myself. Insane. How? White. Look, I had a lot of time during the pandemic. You learned how to sew? I learned how to sew.

Oh, we did talk about this. We talked about you sewing halves of sweatshirts together. Indeed. And now you haven't adjusted the laptop and we can only see your mouth and torso there we go now we're back we're back baby oh cleveland guardians we should talk about that's the the nastiest bro oh my god that's horrible i think they should have done cleveland spiders because that literally was our first major league baseball team. And there was such an opportunity to capitalize on the vintage nostalgia and shit. I don't know.

The Guardians, it's named after the Guardian Bridge, which is right next to the stadium. So I get that. I don't know. I just wish it was Spiders. Guardians against what? Canada? Yeah.

What are you guarding against? Okay, here we go. I submitted to write for a TV show last Friday. I just got an email back. Let's read if this is a rejection or if I'm going forward in the interview. Okay. Thanks for the submission, Jeffrey. Please complete and submit the attached release form with the file name

Jeffrey James blank name show as soon as possible. Let me fill this out right now. Can you guys just talk amongst yourselves? Danny, why don't you like Guardians? It's generic as hell. It's so generic. It's not. I mean, I don't know. If you It's generic as hell. It's so generic. It's not. I mean, I don't know.

If you have an opportunity to make a brand new name, it's got to be catchy and cool and tight. What's that? Is that Seattle NHL team? The Krakens or something like that? Is it? Isn't it something like that? The NHL, the expansion draft? Amir is talking about it.

It's like the Krakens. Oh, there's an expansion jeans right i didn't know that oh whatever this sounds fucking stupid anyways it's like isn't seattle like near the sea right yeah on the coast so that makes sense it's kind of tight it's kind of cool well are you a red because you're from cincinnati we should say barely i don't even watch basketball me either but yes are where we just talking about three different types of sports Because you're from Cincinnati, we should say. Barely. I don't even watch baseball. Me either. But yes. Were we just talking about three different types of sports in a row? Of course.

Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool. That's what I thought. You got toxic really fast. Johnny, are you a sports guy? No. My roommate's been getting me into basketball.

So he's like a huge fan of the Suns. Rest in peace to the Suns. Yeah, that's a real bummer. Yeah, it was a real bummer. It was the first time I watched a basketball game and genuinely felt like awful afterwards. I'd never been affected by sports like that. And I understand now why people are fans of sports.

Really? That happened to me this week too with F1. It was like a lot of F1 drama, and it's all that I've thought about the entire week. And I'm like, oh, I get it now. There's a really bad crash between the two top-scoring drivers. Oh, shit. The seven-time world champion Lewis Hamilton mostly deemed mostly at fault for the incident that caused this other driver to go into a wall at 51 g's and he like went to the hospital he's

fine though he like walked out and was like seemingly fine just needed to get checked up and then now there's like a lot of tension with those teams and like people were like saying racist stuff to lewis hamilton it was really bad but he like did it was like mostly his fault probably and he probably should have known better and yeah it's like a lot of drama and it's it's fun to watch like in the middle of the race it was basically like a court case they like stopped the race and people had to go present their arguments for like why they weren't at fault. The team, the heads of the team were like calling the race director.

Like, um, do you have a minute? I just want to say like, this wasn't our fault. Like blah, blah, blah. And one of them was like, I sent you some, did you check your email? I sent you some diagrams. And the guy was like, uh like uh no i'm not checking my email during the race you're talking about it was between it was i watched the uh that netflix show it was mercedes and what was the other team mercedes and red bull so like uh ginger spices

husband versus this guy named toto wolf uh had odds with each other uh it was a it was a lot of fun but also very stressful and now i'm like i want everyone to get along but they're all like you know they're all competitors so they won't do that and now i'm sad like petite italian dudes is fighting um also i realized too these all of the people of color at head gum i didn't want to say anything but i i thought the same exact thing yeah i don't have to keep that in but this is a nice like united nations of head gum yeah no we should keep it in i I think there's also Ferris. We got to get Ferris on this one. I'm trying to get him on the show.

Yeah. Busy guy, obviously. It wasn't a rejection email. I just needed to send a release form. That's good. That's worse. It wasn't a yes. Did you forget to send the release form?

And that's what I'm actually pissed about. So Casey, Brian, if you guys are listening, you didn't send me the release form, ma'am. That might be the difference maker at a certain point, Walsh. Oh my God. Can you say what it is and bleep it out? It's for s***.

It would be huge, but I'm not going to get it. I'm not smart enough to write for that show. That show name sounds like a gas station johnny we just said that we are the pocs that had gum and now you're racist we gotta get a danny uh soundbite of that is racist because you've said it a couple times johnny long hair journey have you got long hair journey. Have you got... Long hair journey villa. Oh, no. So bad.

Have you gotten a haircut at all since the pandemic? Yeah, I got an initial haircut in August of 2020 to kind of... I told my hairstylist, like, yo, you got to do me up right, and then I'll come in, like, six months later, and then you'll really, like, hit it out of the park. She agreed. I'll come in like six months later and then you'll really like hit it out of the park she agreed is that knocking Jeff So did you come here by yourself?

Nice. This is going to be you at the party. Can I buy you a drink? Yeah, this place is super cool. Yeah, me? No, I've never been here before. Your nose is bleeding. Nice.

Welcome to... I can hear a word Danny said. Welcome to what? You're the segment, man. It's your segment. Sorry, Danny. Oh, okay. You're the segment, man. It's all on you Sorry. Oh, okay

If you're out on vacation and you're renting a boat make sure that you take at least an introductory course online on the ethics, sorry The etiquette of boating, I should say. Ethics, it's immoral to probably boat, but you don't want to be caught in deep waters without a paddle, or at least an idea of how to get out. Johnny? Okay.

Anyways. So, Jeff, I really wanted to take a moment in this episode to really address the fans specifically wow just for a moment yeah so i mean look it's no secret i think uh things are starting to open up and i think live shows are also starting to open up as well and starting to happen again and i can imagine head gum will have their own live show coming up sometime in the near future. And also, let's face it, I'm out and about in this silly little city. I'm bound to see somebody who's a fan of the HeadGum podcast or just HeadGum in general. And speaking as a fan for a lot of artists, I can imagine that it's very nerve-wracking to approach someone whose content that you've enjoyed over the past however long.

And look, you'll stumble in, you'll probably say something along the lines of, oh, I really like what you do. And honestly, I think I'm beyond this very cookie-cutter bullshit. And I want to ease the fans' mind when they come up and approach uh me specifically so i've prepared a few scenarios and i wanted to get some uh some opinions and feedback yeah yeah essentially some feedback okay okay so here's the first scenario so you'll see me at a bar and i'm on a date with a 10 no less. So Johnny, you need to be included. Would you as a fan, A, leave me

and my date alone in peace, B, snag a photo of me, secretly of course, C, go up and ask for a picture, or D, say hello and start a conversation? Where are you at the restaurant or bar sorry oh sorry it's one second are there any follow-ups or do we have to answer on its face

you can answer on its face wow so no follow-ups wait what do you mean no follow-up questions can we clarify oh you can ask follow-up questions i thought like we were just going to discuss it for a bit yeah yeah follow-up yeah where so you're at a you're sitting at a bar like is that correct or yeah i'm sitting at the bar i'm like why that's our sting for clarity that was just asking a clarifying question okay yeah i'm at the bar uh bar top and like i'm with my date and also kind of even bringing in the bartender for like a little conversation. So it looks like I'm very open. Nice.

All right. So, yeah. So you're technically facing out towards the rest of the bar. You're open. You're inviting that sort of thing. that you I don't know no one should approach you or they should approach you when there's clearly like a lull or your date went to the bathroom and it should just be

a quick hello how many buttons down is your shirt is it like one button down I'm I'll have a I'm not going to be fully buttoned up i'm not like i'm trying to have a good time one button down okay that's still pretty formal that's business casual i'm located you need at least two down one to go it's it's either yeah i mean you've either you're doing it up entirely and that's like a statement, or it's two.

You can't go one. Okay, okay. All right. Duly noted. I think I would D. I think I would come up and say, hey, I love your work, and maybe try to strike up a conversation. My rule of thumb for seeing celebrities or notable people in person, I think I've said this on the show before, but it's if it will mean a lot to them or anything to them, potentially,

I will go up and say hi and say I love your stuff. If they get this all the time, if I'm probably not the first person to see them and say something that week, I won't do it. Because it won't mean anything to them and it'll be bothersome. If I saw you, it would probably mean a lot to you. And

you're on a date and that gives you clout. Yeah yeah that's true i appreciate that jeffrey that's an assist for sure yeah but um i just wanted to say that it's none of those answers i actually never said that one of the answers that i gave you was the right answer are you kidding me you asked for feedback not a correct answer i gave you a multiple choice question and i don't know i kind of led you on in that regard sure but here's here's the kicker it's none of those answers here's what you do as a fan so you're gonna walk past me because then you're gonna do a double take then you're gonna say whoa are you johnny villa and then i shyly say

uh yeah then you go ahead buy me an expensive cocktail, maybe a Moscow Mule. Not expensive. Thank you for the hours of joy that I've given you. And you can feel free to really, really stretch the truth on this one. You can throw in something about like a dying dog, maybe a dying grandmother, something like that. How is this any different than D? It's just more specifically described. It involves buying alcohol. Yeah, buys.

My God. Gets me a free drink. And the date's going to love me. I'm going to open the floor for a little bit again. Yeah. Does this gets me a free drink and the date's gonna love me I'm gonna open the floor for a little bit again does this make me a bad person this is just a whole story for you to get more sex I think it makes you an asshole you're an asshole for the trick question

you're an asshole for demanding this of someone if they see you in public and like planning it out. Oh, okay, okay. That makes sense. It can't be a revelation. Also, I don't mean to interrupt your bit, Johnny, but we do have to take a quick break.

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And we're back. Are we getting sponsors now? Is that what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. And we're back. Are we getting sponsors now? Is that what that is? We are, but my new thing is interrupting things in the middle. Oh, great. That had nothing to do with the ad load of this show.

Yeah, the ad load is barren. Just like my sperm count. I tried to donate seed for cash and they would not happen to say this during that sound fight somehow it gets louder it crescendos yeah next scenario without me yeah i have to get my computer charger yeah go for it no worries do we continue yeah let's continue okay no need to do the eye drops right now how are the eyes have you been back to get them massaged yeah i've been going once every two months i've done three so far my next one's mid-august uh i mean here's the deal uh there's

they still are dry sometimes and red uh i don't think it's due to the mgd the my bobean gland dysfunction that is starting to fix itself knock on wood i believe because uh i did a schirmer's test which is the dry eye test uh the most basic one but the most universally used because it's cheap they just put these two strips of paper in your eyes and then your tear film or your tears like soak onto the strip and show you how many within five minutes and uh they didn't even have to finish it out for the full five minutes because both were soaked, which is great. Are my eyes still occasionally red? Yes, but that's because of my pinguecula and one pterygium.

So on all four sides of my eyes, I have pinguecula or whatever the fuck. And that doesn't go away unless you do a highly invasive surgery that might even have them come back with a vengeance. And when they come back with a vengeance, they might even affect your eyesight. So am I going to get the surgery? Absolutely not. But am I going to get LASIK? That's what I need to talk to Dr. **** about in August.

Yeah, don't say the doctor's name, right? LASIK would help because my contacts make everything worse. And LASIK could potentially make it worse too, but potentially only temporarily. And then I would wake up and be able to fucking see. That would be awesome. So we'll see.

Glad you asked Johnny. Jesus. All right. So here's the, here's my last situation. That's it. There's only two. Yeah.

There's only two because great things come in twos. Twix, Reese's, Reese's only two because great things come in twos. Twix. Reese's. Reese's. Johnny Dates. Nice. Johnny fucks. That's what I imagine is the soundtrack to your day the morning after.

I guess. The day? What? It's hair blown in the wind and getting in this Johnny drives a Harley with a harlot hell yeah this Chino's

perfectly tailored Chino Pixar he took a revel over the Williamsburg bridge actually mind you as you were doing that Marika was like kind of rubbing her

fingers together like world's tiniest violin but like a Bond villain. Oh this was another joke. This was the joke that killed the most and I'm going to bleep it out because I don't want people to hear it but I want your thoughts Danny. It's What? what

okay that's how you delivered the joke yeah it killed on the day i don't know if i was clear this time no i mean i get it don't bank on it being like, oh, this is the one. It might not work next time for sure. Johnny? Yeah, next. So for this situation, there actually will be a correct answer. God. So, all right. You see me at a HeadGum live show.

After the show, Danny, Jeff, and Marika are getting pictures with fans while I stand alone in a dimly lit corner damn now because i'm not insecure no matter what anyone else tells you i'm not bothered by this in the slightest so but how would you if you had to rally everyone else to abandon the core three and take a picture with me. So insecure. I'm not, no matter what anyone says. Do you, A, push other fans in my direction so they forget who they've lined up for? B, refuse to look in my direction until I slink away into the darkness?

C, call out to me and say, oh, I'll get a picture with you, dude, just to ease my mind. Or D, avoid taking the picture altogether clarifying question c they don't take the picture with you uh yeah they don't they just say that they will just ease my mind well you're saying something to ease my mind i think like you're uh the last one you're just avoiding. How is that easing? Like, I'm imagining they're in line to take a photo with Jeff. They call out to you and are like, hey, I'll take a photo with you. You walk over ready to do it. And then they ignore you?

No, no, no. Or what do you think is going to happen? Like, they're still in line waiting for Jeff the star the star pupil of this show and so they take the photo and then are like we gotta go they line up for the next one I could just imagine Johnny in the corner with like black eye

liner and like his hair dyed like jet black and like pale Johnny what happened to you I'm seeing i've definitely like stood on the side of like a drake and amir uh like photo meet and greet thing it's fine man yeah it's better none of these scenarios should happen first they're none of them are good yeah like you want us to say what a fan

should do? in a way I kind of just want to lead people on to kind of admit to my greatness in a way maybe they can take the pic with us and then like Johnny wanted to make sure we came to you separately because we like your vibe and want to buy you a drink

yeah I mean I think see like be nice and want to buy you a drink. Yeah. I mean, I think C, like be nice and say, I'll get a picture with you and then like walk away when you want to is like a polite way of saying you don't want to take a,

or not taking a photo with someone who clearly is begging for it because you're sinking into the shadows as a way of getting attention. When you could just join the group of people taking photos

that you're like being obstinate you're sad somehow yeah yeah pencil in your hand too like waiting to take this sign shit that no one's giving number two right not prepared you're erasing a messed up signature it's like freaking out this is not right sorry redo it I didn't have time to practice it's fine the first one was good the second one you do is worse ah shit the first one was better it's like five minutes on the same post it and it's not on

absolutely there's a hole in it now I barely wanted this alright we have to move on your segment was over right you said there was two things I barely wanted this. All right. We have to move on. Your segment was over, right? You said there was two things. Pretty much, yeah.

All right. That's a little vibe, huh? ស្រូវាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបា� Welcome to Seersucker or Gordfucker Okay Let's go Let's get into it Marika's like Yeah, let's fucking get it over with Fast Have you guys ever played Seersucker or Gordfucker?

No Now you're interested that's the most intrigued i've ever heard you all right this is basically i'm gonna this it's not a game there's no right or wrong answers we're just gonna basically postulate about this uh it's more of a topic of conversation type of thing seersucker or gourd fucker i'm gonna list off celebrities at random slash ad nauseum and we're gonna decide whether or not they are one to wear seersucker or are one to be a gourd fucker now that's anybody what's a gourd uh so a gourd fucker is anybody who would fuck a pumpkin pumpkin squash what have you any type of gourd uh what's a seersucker that's

like that uh really waspy east coast massachusetts nantucket thing where it's like, I don't know. I think it's a material, but it's like you always striped and it's like kind of wicking. Yeah, moisture wicking. The light blue striped shirts. Vineyard Vine. Vineyard Vine style. So the difference is somebody fucking vegetables or pants? Let's go.

Let's go. Yes, but not fucking pants. Wearing them. And it does. We'll get into it. You'll feel that it is kind of mutually exclusive. Either you're someone who would wear seersucker or you're someone who would fuck a gourd. All right.

Keanu Reeves. Gourd fucker. Yeah, total gourd fucker. I agree with that. I'm not happy about it. Also, we all have to agree. I forgot to mention that. So if there's any contention, we have to argue until somebody caves. He's definitely not wearing veneer vines.

100% not. And he's definitely like, I think he would be a gourd fucker in a way where it's like, oh, I don't need to buy a fleshlight. I have a squash right here. Great. Okay. That's exactly what he'd say. Call me by your name style.

Yeah. Bruce Springsteen. Bruce. I think if you put him in the right situation, he would wear seersucker. 100. Yeah. Bruce Springsteen. Bruce. I think if you put him in the right situation he would wear seersucker. 100%. Yeah. But he's not a normal seersucker dude. Memorial Day weekend. He's at the Obama's house on Martha's

Vineyard and he's just matching the vibe because that's his whole thing. Exactly. Alright. I buy it. Tiger Woods. I don't know. Early 2000s? Tiger was a freaky shit yeah do you watch stocker binary i did not no you might be dropping it off in pumpkins i don't know uh yeah i agree all right i'm i'm on board with the gourd yeah sure yeah i'll go gourd i'm

sorry rita aura gourd fucker really yeah you don't think that she would go to like a polo ralph lauren lounge and like no okay fine i'm just like imagining her and taika watiti in like matching vineyard biden's linen and stuff. I can't see it. Yeah, Tycho would never. He wouldn't be caught dead in Seersucker. No. Isn't he in a throuple with her and like some random model? Not a model. Sorry, model citizen

I should say. Fuck. Oh my god. I'd have I mean, it's not confirmed. It's not confirmed yeah yeah oh all right so we all agree rita aura gourd fucker yeah all right danica patrick i don't know i think she's a serious sucker nascar nasty car i think gourd fucker for sure i think and i think if you drive a nascar it's inherent that you're entering a pumpkin what is it what's there to enter jeff i just she put her clitoris in a musk melon gross gross come on Johnny had a visceral

reaction to that word you can't drive the Indy 500 and not have a luffa inside of you we're at work bro really? it's summer Fridays work ended 18 minutes ago Sean William Scott

who's that? Sean William Scott from dude where's my car you can't just yell three white names back to back and expect they're all first names he's the guy who smiles like this i could name 20 people in my hometown who smile never oh wait yeah nope never mind okay I guess so he was also in role models yeah yeah that's what I know him from uh fine gourd fucker

he's kind of like a raunchy in like a jackass way and not a cool way yeah sure um Skyler Austin Skyler Aston Aston sure yeah fuck absolutely no one can challenge me on this and it's the

seersucker he would never be a gourd fucker he wouldn't be caught dead in a gourd although he did have a solo song on Broadway about masturbation.

So I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Something to think about. Yeah, but that's Broadway. That's performance. Like imagine him like at a fucking Briss. Like he's definitely wearing Searsucker. All right.

Why a Briss? Yeah. There's so many other events you could wear Searsucker to. Have you guys ever gone on a Briss walk? Rumor Willis. Rumor Willis. Rumor Willis. Adele, nice. walk rumor willis rumor willis rumor willis adele nice i don't know who these people these last three people you can hear my silence i have no idea rumor willis is bruce willis's daughter bruce is a wild boy i don't know wild boy i think uh bruce is a wild boar i think rumor willis uh would

be seersucker because she grew up rich that's fair seersucker is not even i don't even think it's an expensive material but i think that you have to be rich yeah you gotta be rich to rock it yeah uh fucking oprah seersucker i hope it's Seersucker. Yeah, me too. She has like so many fucking houses. Leona Lewis. Gordfucker. Really? I love her, by the way. Yeah.

I saw her in Cats. I'm going to say Lewis being a freak. And I feel like the fact that she was in Cats is enough. Leona, stop. We're in public. Ugh, stop. At that stand-up show, I saw somebody who looked like a dead ringer for my uh first kiss who's now a trump supporter famously uh and i told her that and i regretted

it instantly and then someone my other friend madison who i hadn't seen for a while she looks like my high school girlfriend and i told her that too and i shouldn't have because that's not like people don't want to hear that because then it's like oh so you found me a person who looked like me attractive seven years ago and it's kind of creepy too you might you might your reputation might be fucked bro going up to random chicks like you look like somebody i used to have sex with i didn't say it like that i said i said i said have you ever just like awkwardly walking away like away. Leona Lewis is a gourd fucker. Do we all agree on that? I think for sure she...

You've heard bleeding love. She's definitely a gourd fucker. And she was bleeding... Never mind. No. Lamar Odom. Oh, he's 100% has already fucked multiple vegetables. I would say he's probably inside of a calabash as we

squeak Hulk Hogan brother oh man he's more of a wow fucking yes exactly yeah I'd agree with that for sure

Snooki this one's just for Johnny because of New that for sure. Snooki. This one's just for Johnny because of New Jersey. Oh, I love Snooki. Relax. I think that she has the capability of doing both. I think she's mellowed out in her later years to be more of a seersucker type person. Yeah.

But Peak Jersey Shore, oh, she was a gourd fucker. Yeah. What a way to get famous, too. Isn't that crazy? Those people just got famous off of a wild ass fucker. Yeah. What a way to get famous, too. Isn't that crazy? Those people just got famous off of a wild ass TV show. Yeah, the situation. Yeah, what a crazy name. He's like 45.

He was so old. Sorry to interrupt. Magic Key Alert. If you want to achieve fame, not only on the large large scale but also within your own friend group, you got to give yourself a nickname. But plant it with someone else who has the power to make it stick. So like,

if we're at the party, I could come up to Johnny and be like, hey, just so you know, everybody's been calling me Rodney. Maybe tell people. And then he spreads it around

and then it catches on. Why is that like why are you obsessed with that name it's an old black man name my name is Jeffrey but you can call me Rodney it's more like one of your top used names

okay fuck Rodney then if that's recycling a joke no I'm just asking what about it is good to you you can call me the franchise that's literally somebody else's name steve francis fuck game over i had more but we should probably just end it i would do more let's do it over the music then Phil Mickelson

Phil Mickelson I don't know who this person is he's like one of the most famous golfers that one was a gimme Jean-Claude Van Damme Gord Fokker Daisy Ridley cute as a button that one

don't say that don't say that don't uh got it got it I think I have to go gourd fucker really yeah wow

okay Daisy I don't know I feel like since Star Wars she's like obviously become a bit of a social climber and she's in circles where it's fine to wear like a seersucker jacket I don't it doesn't

matter yeah sure yeah I just don't see her like I'm really trying to imagine her wearing like a seersucker like blazer or something like that something classy I simply cannot I simply cannot we just not gonna agree on this one I'll just know well Marika said gourd

yeah I think it's gourd still fine she's a gourd and it's nothing against so sorry Daisy I just know that I'm not trying to say that you fuck melons these people are anyway Dylan Sprouse Gord Fugger

yeah I mean we saw his nudes it looked like there was a little bit I didn't see it you saw his nudes you didn't see his dick it's like a pretty average dick but it's fine this beat is getting me weak the moment that you said did you see his dick

timed so perfectly with the music he's definitely been inside of a gack oh my god all right we do have to move on i think anyone that makes honey wine isn't wearing seersucker you know what i mean yeah he's wearing dickie's work where their carhartt overalls to make the mead plugs danny marika johnny in that order what do you guys have going on want to point the people to floor is yours go shows social media projects you have any cool comedy shows that need somewhat funny comedians let me get on that my social media Instagram and Twitter at follow sellers I'd love to do it I'll try to post any upcoming shows I

have in the city in the link in my bios if anyone managed to get tickets to the December 18th New York City Big Time Rush concert and you can you have one to spare. I would love to take it.

I did not get tickets. Bots seemingly bought all of them and are now being sold at a huge markup of like $2,000. So I'm just trying to see those boys once again. And I would really appreciate any help uh so yeah uh social media is murray galon on twitter and instagram if you got one let me know if that's your first concert post covid i'm i'm going to some concerts at uh a like supper club type venue but my first actual music concert is probably going to be all time low in oh hell yeah very cool which i'm excited about because i've never seen them live what what day in October the 19th insane uh you should bring that wine you should

get some other wine Johnny plugs uh follow me on uh Instagram at Johnny j-o-h-n-n-y v-i-i follow me there on Instagram I I'll finally be off my posting hiatus. I'll be back on the gram doing my thang. I have to edit so much stuff for the upcoming weekend, but it'll be there by the time this episode releases, so you have to go there

now. Now. Relax. You do not have to do anything you don't want to do, obviously. Johnny. Johnny. Johnny, do you ever rock the head in a top ponytail? In a top ponytail? I've tried.

My head is so round that my head just looks like a perfect circle. It's insane. It doesn't look good. Okay, let's see it. Do you have a hair tie? A hair's see it do you have a hair tie hair tie I don't have a hair tie on me Marika but I could kind of it's in my hair

kind of look like a troll doll well yeah now you look like a rug rat but um and then you can follow me on instagram at jeffbreejames on twitter at jeffboyrd we'll see you guys again next week uh thanks so much for listening to this episode of the HeadGum Podcast. The only thing I have to say is that was easy.

That's Daz, folks. Nice. Same. That was a Hidgum Original.