The Headgum Podcast - 65: Laughably Flappable (w/ Billy Scafuri!)

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

Fellow Headgum podcaster Billy Scafuri (No Joke podcast) joins Amir, Johnny, and Geoff to discuss over-the-counter nipple cream, personality tests, and flappability! BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Because when I said, hey, everybody name three things that you hate about Jake, everybody really took a long pause and they couldn't think of anything. I asked you just off the top, like, three things I could be better at, and you name them almost as if you had them written down somewhere. Yeah, fashion-wise you tried way too hard. Like, you often way too hard.

You often look at what looks good and you mix and match and try to figure out what you could wear watch-wise, what hats and what things are of the fashion, but it reeks of effort. So just stylistically, sartorially, it seems like too much. You spend your time on things that are super mundane. Don't learn about people's addresses don't learn

about watches don't learn about like what the cool restaurants to eat and fucking shit like places you'll never go to just focus your energy and effort on important shit i guess so you're like all over the place in a bad way and then you're slow about it too so it's like a shitty machine gun spraying like soap everywhere it's like kind of helpful but ultimately annoying to clean up epic burn couldn't have said it better myself all right we'll call that one thing that's five I'm not going to do the USSR thing. Amir had his headphones off his ears in preparation. All right, here we go. August 23rd, Monday.

And this is just the start of the episode, you know? Oh, no sound effect. Got it. Yeah. I don't know what kind of reaction you're trying to elicit from us, but... I mean, this isn't really getting anything from us. I'm pleased. I'm just pleased. I've already moved on. I'm just waiting now. I have this sinking feeling that he just loaded up the entire YouTube video and he's just going to play it out for us. So I feel like we should continue our conversation in spite of this

video happening. I'm realizing I should have mentioned I have a hard out. Wow, this is the original upload. Yeah. You can tell because it says it in the title. Can we get a mouse over to see the timeline?

How much longer we got? Yeah. Oh, wow. Entire minute. This was as the Berlin Wall was falling. Oh, my God. I thought it was over. Yo, Johnny and Amir, if you guys want to check your email, that's what I've been doing for the past two minutes, and this is probably your chance. Oh yeah, actually, that's a good idea.

Nothing new. Yeah. Welcome to another edition of the HeadGum Podcast, Monday, August 23rd. With us as always is Amir Blumenfeld, Billy Scafiri, and Johnny Villa on the sax. That was a real throwback. I don't know how you guys feel after that, but I'm feeling jazzed. I'm feeling energized. I'm feeling like there's more gas in the tank than there was previous. Beep, beep.

I feel the same way. That was the heyday of the internet. That was 2009. When shit like popped off, we all knew about it. And Trollolo was one of those things. Jake and Amir was also one of those things. Not quite, but I appreciate the compliment. The Trollolo guy, it looked like that had 36 million views on YouTube, which is a lot more.

Amir, it feels like you have a video out there that would have 100 million views. Do you? No. Do you know what your most viewed video ever is that you're featured in? Maybe the Yankee Stadium prank war video. Maybe. But I don't think that's 100 million. Probably nowhere near.

Yeah, it's probably like 10 million? Yeah. 100 million is like, what's gotten 100 million that's not a music video? What's like an even Trollolo guy at 35 million? Yeah. million yeah and a three minute video it's tough to make that for 100 million jeff i just want you to know that this is the fact that we're having a side conversation right now is in response to you playing three minutes of music now i'm going to just talk to my friends because i feel like you punished us earlier for no good reason. Damn Daniel. Another, yeah.

I don't even know if Damn Daniel has had 100 million. No, here's my thing. That started on fine. Because Jake and Amir used to get what, like a million views?

So, like, it's the rating. It's so loud. I don't know how to change this. I really don't because it's crystal clear that they're a Raj band.

Okay, so it's crystal clear. What you guys are listening to is hopefully a better version of what, it's all you guys can hear that too, right? It's too loud for Billy and Johnny. Can you guys hear the loud, too loud version of Jeff's talking? Yeah, I can hear Jeff's talking a little bit.

Which is fine. Like it sounds like this a little bit when he's talking like this and it's just like way too loud and it's like way too close. Like that's what it sounds like whenever you say i will say this is he sounds a little loud on my phone on my headphones but i think you're also have like a deeper sensitivity to jeff's voice at this point i see so i think that just in general you're just uh it's worse for me yeah yeah we do have to take a break after these messages what's that so soon for the break seven minutes three of it was Chololo Guy. And then Ferris just kind of put the ad right there. And we're back.

HeadGum Podcast history about to be made. Want to know why? Yeah. Two white people on the show. Instead of three. Okay. What? Instead of. This is such bullshit. The energy you guys are bringing today

is such horseshit what did what could we have said to that you just alienated everybody else johnny you're safe you're fine all right i understand that your ancestors have nothing to apologize for i guess you've done the churlolo and you've done an ad and then he welcomed our energy is bad welcomed us back but we haven't been anywhere yet it should have been hello not welcome back welcome back assume something has occurred and then talking about the two white people and then our energy yeah your energy is bad okay that's why i stopped coming into the office i haven't been there in three and a half weeks and it's because when I'm there you sour the day weren't you in New York for

like 80% of that time? got me there not much I can say to that Gotham Gotham Gotham Gotham Gotham

Gotham everybody needs to take a step back alright right let's just kind of rein it in for a second because guess what i have a i have one bit prepared and it's going to take 15 minutes but we can't get to it until 25 minutes and does that make sense it does oh my god what's that yeah i said it does i have a question for you jeff um so you usually open with the sacks and then you punish your guests with the Russian national anthem for, you know, seemingly two minutes or so. Which one is the theme song to the show? Is it the sax or is it the Russian national anthem? Because it seemed like the

Russian national anthem was like a gag and an interrupting tool you once had. And it seems like it's slowly by osmosis becoming the theme song to the podcast. Is it? Okay. Well, I don't understand what you're aiming at. I don't know what you're aiming at. But basically, if you're trying to get at some kind of issue that there's like a, you know, threat of twine holding this thing together, I'll assure you that it's a fucking, we're anchored down. All right, we're bared down. It was just a question. No, it was more than a question.

I don't even think you actually answered his question. No, I haven't gotten to it yet. I've gotten to it. You definitely tried to force your way to that sound, Mike. I don't even think you actually answered his question. No, I haven't gotten to it yet. You definitely tried to force your way to that sound mic. And it was so circuitous, unnecessary and forced. You got there. Jeff said that he was going to ask us the first question at the 25 minute mark.

So I asked him a question and he didn't answer it. So what is your role here, Jeff? I've been on this show like seven times and I know the rules of the show, but still do one of the things that a podcast host is supposed to do, please. He's a speed bump. You're a roadblock. The Soviet Union National Anthem

is a soundbite that lubes us into the day. Why the theme song? I hated that. The theme song is the sax, which I think is called Toot Sweet. Lubes us into the day. You were so close to doing a normal thing there. And then that one just action work.

Go fuck yourself. Feel free to take as much time as you guys need, but how are your guys' days? I'm going to ask you to repeat the question. Your guys' days. Yeah, how are your guys' days? I don't know. I just feel like a lot of pressure to answer at this point because of the music.

I would say above average today. Good day so far. Nothing. You heard it here first. Amir Shmuel Blumenfeld rocking the fucking T at Los Angeles, California. All of it bleeped. All of that bleeped, including the color of my shirt. Billy, how's your day?

It's an above average day, I would say. I'm having a slightly above average day. I'm waiting for the bomb to drop and then you to say my address. You heard it here first. Billy Skafuri, you don't know his middle name, located at a three-digit number. That was a win. That was a win. That was a win for me. I learned that Jeff doesn't know my middle name,

which means that you can't Google it because he Googles everyone's personal information. So that's a win right now. There's some sort of... I know your middle name. Thank you, buddy. Let's leave it at that. Yeah. It's not on your website is the main issue.

Johnny, do you have a middle name? Yes yes i do sorry can we skip johnny this is like no we cannot skip johnny johnny what is your middle name no he didn't say his day on this fine johnny has your day he didn't say his day okay all right how is your day no need to play that music. My day is going pretty well. In fact, I think... You heard it here first. Johnny... Raphael. Oh, yeah, Raphael.

Great name. Remember Raphael says it all? That was like a bit 20 episodes ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. It only happened in one episode, too. But my day is going well. I'm noticing this is probably not going to resonate well with the listeners, but for us, this will resonate well. There's a motif of blue. Yeah. Raphael. There's a motif of blue on everybody's little video screens.

Yeah. Nice. Just really nice. Yeah. Good call not really excuse me yeah it's just not it's like not really like yeah amir has this like we should say billy and johnny are wearing blue t-shirts and here has a blue screen behind him to block out the light so that he gets better lighting on him on the zoom because his back faces a window in his home office and the only blue that i have is on my quilt that i hang behind me uh which i do so that i can block it up for sound speaking of i should turn my ac off so yeah and he's gone he never comes back i mean if the trolo low song was three minutes this could be like 15 of him just out of frame turn the ac off usually ac doesn't really show up on audio.

Yeah. It kind of just seems like Jeff likes to leave frame. I was listening to last week's episode and he left frame to take a pee and then get a drink, it sounded like. Yeah. And honestly, Jeff, I got to give you a pat on the back for that move. I think that's kind of a cool power move that you do. Yeah. And I know that everything you do is built to irritate. We all know that.

But I will say on your long list of irritable qualities.ate we all know that but i will say on your long list of irritable qualities we actually all by design i like that one i like you leaving and coming back because you had to do something good for you it is fun to have to do that in the middle of like this is the only thing i have to do today and you didn't think to do anything before ferris cut that out i like to imagine you, Jeffrey, in a job interview. Yes, yes, yes. In a job interview. And this is like a bit that you've been doing on podcasts

and it's been going so well that you try and do the bit in the job interview and it doesn't go well at all. I like to imagine that reality. Yeah, so it's me subbing for NFL Network's sketch comedy writer's room. Is that an accurate way of describing your current gig?

Me? No. Who? Yeah, you. I'm writing for the NFL this season, yes. It's not necessarily sketch comedy, though. Okay.

What is it? It's kind of like short films that will play before games. Okay. And some commercials that will feature prime video and Thursday Night night football but my question is like do you ever get to get a skifuriism into the bish right so like if i was

writing for the nfl network i would try to slip in a what's that you know into like a sunday night i think you presume that everyone has a catchphrase that's just you dog you're the one who has shirts with stuff you say that's awesome dude like you say that so it's a thing but i don't you don't have any i thought about like harvard sale away you're saying what a pun on my sketch comedy team name no i thought that the whole shtick of harvard sailing team was like everybody like bombs away harvard style oh yeah you've never seen or you know nothing about my sketch company i think i told you this but my ex-girlfriend was like a huge harvard sailing team head i want a lot of brownie sorry let me fucking finish i ran a lot of brownie

points with her when i told her that i knew you now you can go i think i was just gonna say thank you but i take it back i don't feel thankful you are now you can go the just going to say thank you, but I take it back. I don't feel thankful. Now you can go. The worst way to say what's up in a conversation is now you can go. Usually it's implied when someone stops talking. You're forcing it. Jeff is like two podcasts away from just saying stop talking to people. That is around the river bend folks major key alert uh we do have to say that when you're whether you're over under or adequately prepared someone's gonna try to

steal your thunder johnny taken away johnny did slap me before this and uh said hey can i have a major key alert for the day uh i guess he's kind of forgetting who's the fucking host of the show but yeah go for it man so i want to participate and you know make the show a little bit better than it is and you're just gonna shit on me right now huh let's hear it i'm curious about your we're all curious this is all real information that i just found out i think the public needs to know this yeah uh listeners i know that you have dry, cracked lips and sometimes chapstick won't fix that. And maybe you use Vaseline to fix it, but that won't work. I highly suggest you buy lanolin nipple cream. It's not the brand. It's like the ingredient in it. It retains moisture

a lot better than Vaseline. And I highly recommend it. What is its intended purpose? It's for soothing dry, cracked nipples. I imagine it's for women who are breastfeeding. Yeah, it specifically says it's for breastfeeding. Like Jeff was giggling because Johnny said nipples. And this conversation could have went sideways.

So I want to bring it back to earth and say it's probably for breastfeeding, Jeff. No, I was laughing because he went so far out of his way for this recommendation. I just wanted to help the people. AB, have you ever put nipple cream on your face? Never. I didn't even know nipple cream was a thing.

Actually, I'm pretty against. I was like hesitant to try vaseline or chapstick growing up i don't like things on my face like i don't like when you have to wear like a little makeup for a shoot or like even jewelry and stuff like that i get like claustrophobic so like i was i was growing up i'm like i never want any uh chapstick and then i used to get like really chapped lips to the point where i was like licking them and it was drier, drier. The kind of like dryness that like it like starts to escape your lips. It was so bad. So now I've gotten over the chapstick hump.

I can do chapstick, but I still even to this day don't like the dip and then smearing or like, you know, when they like ever do your makeup on set and they like fucking put it on a cuticle like dabble. I'm like, this is too much it's so shiny on my lips too like the most sensitive close to my mouth part of my face they just like put this shiny ointment on it i don't like maybe you should consider uh getting some lanolin nipple cream instead it comes highly recommended major key alert is that like vaseline is that a vaseline is it cream is it white is it clear what is yeah it has similar properties to vaseline okay so it's shiny and clear not for me but i appreciate the tip thanks so much johnny okay i will be putting nipple cream on my lips after this podcast thank you thank you and jeffrey i actually might try that my my lips are dry often

uh i do appreciate the tip. I don't know if we'll keep it in the final edit, but yeah. You asshole. I was vulnerable. Johnny, you do have a segment that we kept on the back burner from the Ben Marshall episode, I think. Do you want to do it? I mean, we should have done it. you should have let me know ahead of time so i could

have prepared a little that's right we don't have to do it i'm just wondering if you want we can cut all this out if we don't want to yeah it just could be huge okay let's cut it um yeah let's cut this one out we know what that sound means on this show. Story time. Is this the bit that you've prepared for 25 minutes in? It's not. I have just a story that I wanted to tell that I think specifically Amir will get a kick out of.

So I went to, I was in New York for a week. How was the weather? Where? What's the weather? How was the weather when you were there? How was it? A bunch of different ways in the summer. It was not scalding.

There was one day it was scalding. The rest was fine. It rained a couple times, which I didn't care about. Amir, you're going to the city soon. Are you hoping for good weather? Yes, I am. I miss the hurricane, so I'm hoping this is like the post-hurricane, not too humid, but still sunny

style New York City weather. Johnny, do you have any tools to kind of keep Jeffrey from telling this story? Like some small talk that we can chip in? I mean, I could talk about the weather a little bit more. I didn't know that when you introduce a stand-up that the sound booth guy just chatted it up with the tech crew backstage on mic. Or am I going to be able to tell my fucking story? Jesus.

Say that part again. I didn't know that when a stand-up is introduced to tell a story, that the guy in the sound booth chats it up with the tech crew backstage on mic to keep the stand-up from telling a story. That old metaphor. That widely used metaphor.

You know what they say. Alright, let's hear the story oh my god the story is this so I was in New York City and I met up with some friends that I know from college and we went to the Dumbo house the Soho house that's in Dumbo

wow everybody's a member there? no you can have three guests. Per person? Listen to the story, ass. He is. He's asking questions about the story. That's interrupting the story to have. That has nothing to do with the story.

It's a dialogue. Was it just you and three friends or multiple members? It was me and three friends. So you're the only member, but you were able to swipe them in, as it were. It just feels less exclusive if you can bring that many friends.

It isn't exclusive. It is exclusive. It's not exclusive. It's expensive. You all... They must have hated the fact that you's got a fucking membership and you show up with your three jabroni-ass,

not famous friends. Can I bring in the maximum amount of people they're wearing sweatpants yeah i mean legally you have to yeah nobody's famous there i've never seen a famous person there just so you know like just so you don't make a fucking fool of yourself again like you just did it now on mike but i'm wondering if you go to how is how's the what's the vibe one at the dumbo one versus like west hollywood where it's like you know the who's it's not the west hollywood one's annoying because it's just the top floor of a medical building uh and it has good views but like the worst people go there that's my thing about soho so i think i'm gonna cancel my membership because i people there suck the only time i have fun is

when i bring friends i met puff daddy there that's pretty cool pretty cool at the west hollywood one yeah so it's views and puff daddy they're not always i've been there a couple of times Puff Daddy there. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. At the West Hollywood one. Yeah. So it's Views and Puff Daddy. Not always. I've been there a couple of times and he's never been there. You maybe just didn't look hard enough. You might be right. You might be right.

He's always there. I don't know. He's like writing. He's like writing a screenplay there. Is he? Head in his laptop. Yeah, for sure. Head in his lap.

Okay, so we went to the fucking Dumbo house. It's not even that good of a story. We're supposed to take two minutes. Now it's taken four and a half. Uh, I'm so sorry for making your story last longer. I know you were trying to kill time. Yeah.

So I, yeah, I apologize. You guys are a bunch of fucking assholes. Like everybody thinks that I'm a prick the way I host this show, but it's really me. It's a Sisyphusian fucking task it's pushing the boulder up the hill yeah right

yeah your behavior your behavior didn't make all of your guests start behaving this way listen to us on any other podcast and we are good people with good values with good conversations Claire Slaughter fucking left the company no no no we step into your house and you pick subtle

fights with us throughout over the course of 45 minutes. So you cannot be mad when we are mad. We went to Dumbo House. The four of us on an outdoor patio overlooking not only the Manhattan, but the Brooklyn Bridge. Beautiful views. Borderline free beverages because I had house credit for not canceling my membership during the pandemic. Or should I say endemic times? We're going gonna die in the next 10 years guess what else we're at dumbo and there's a bachelor party happening right we sense the vibe we see a bunch of people

celebrating this guy's last night of freedom which is kind of a fallacy because you're already engaged um this guy uh my friend aj yawns this guy comes up and just gives shoves a coconut water in his hand and he's like here sorry that's his name that's a short sentence that's what he was doing short sentence like your

friend AJ yawns or like your friend AJ was my friend AJ yawned and his last name is John John so this guy hands him a coconut water and he's like there you go you need looks like you need this and i'm like don't drink that like he just man just handed you a seemingly open coconut uh bottle of coconut water but he's like no it's not like open it yeah it was harmless harmless harvest yeah he's like, no, like you'll hear the click.

My favorite. But the guy had creepy vibes. He opens it. Here's the click. So he drinks it. And he stands there and watches AJ drink it. So I'm like, this guy's a weirdo. What a weird in.

I go to get everybody drinks. I come back. The guy is there and he's just like talking about bullshit. But I'm like, I don't want to fucking talk to this guy. So I talked to my other friend and AJ. And then finally, that friend and the friend he was laying on and hitting on go to the bathroom. So it's me, AJ, and this guy. And I'm like, what's up?

Like, how's your night, man? And he's like, good, good. I was like, well, what do you do? And he's like, guess. And I'm like, guess? He's like, yeah, guess what I do. I'm like, uh, do you work in marketing? And he's like, no. i do i'm like uh do you work in marketing and he's like no i'm like all right uh do you work in the entertainment industry and he was like you

know james goldstein i was like jimmy goldstein like the guy who owns the goldstein sheaths house and the one who's at every courtside nba game i was like yeah and he's like that's my uncle and i'm like that's what you do is that jimmy goldstein is your drunkle he proceeded to not answer the question and then uh he was like we gotta this is fucked you guys aren't engaging with the story at all let's just fucking we're paying attention now let's move on yeah let's move on so you're not even gonna close the story i bet that was it i bet that was the story now he's fucking blaming us i bet that was the. I bet that was the story. Now he's fucking blaming us. I bet that was the end.

Welcome to. No, I want to hear the end. If there's a real end, let's hear the end. The end is that he was like, I just was like, this guy's insane. I need to investigate this guy further because this is very funny to me. All his answers are either lies or just bad. And he said that he lived in LA. I was like, where in LA do you live?

And he's like, West Hollywood. But I also have an apartment across the street and i was like nice but i don't think he did because when we left we were calling an uber and so was he so i'm like so you don't live across the street maybe he was going somewhere else he might have been going somewhere else because he also tried to get us to go to the box it's probably where he was going which is he said the best club in new york we were in dumbo and he was like we gotta go to the box and i was like what's the box is it and he's like it's the best club in new york and i'm like is it nearby and he's like it's in manhattan i'm like i'm not going to the fucking box yeah i'm gonna start to i think i'm gonna blame amir and johnny for this one we

were out we were all out We had a music sting. He was going to say something new and you... Fucking bullshit. All right. I will accept the blame for that. Amir, you don't have to take one for the team. It was a bad story. There's another part to it where AJ wasn't engaging with him at all. We don't have to go to the other part.

We have the first part completed. He wasn't engaging with him at all. And we're not reviewing it for a second season. I deal with social anxiety by asking people a ton of questions about themselves because I don't like the silence that nobody fills. You never ask us questions about ourselves, man. Like this whole podcast, you don't ask us things that matter ever. You can't say that that's what you do to fill space because this is a perfect example to do it and you don't. Fine. Fucking fine. Billy, when was the last time you had a sexual awakening? Right?

Define awakening. Like you realize something new about yourself in the bedroom to have. Man. It's been a while. I guess it's that hashtag married life. Yeah. If you've ever seen that hashtag married life, you get it. You got to get those Benoit balls. What are those? They're like balls that you put into a vagine.

And I am going to end this conversation here. You said you wanted me to ask more questions that matter. Yes, but like two seconds later, you're suggesting Benoit balls. It's genuinely a good thing that we are all doing this over Zoom because if Jeff started asking me those questions and making those jokes with me in a studio, the Long Island in me would come out and I'd probably

get up and be like, yo, chill out. Stop. I don't want to go there. Whoa. I would be actively triggered in the space. Alright. Alright. I was feeling it. I was like, wait a minute. He's talking about my wife's vagina. I need to stop this right here right this is i would be kind of fun right i was feeling it i was like wait a minute he's talking about my wife's vagina i need to get i need to stop this right here right now specifically just in general like maybe that would lead to some kind of break play the russian

national anthem jeff we're gonna need the russian national anthem yeah let's get back to that wow fast Johnny's sex life update. Johnny, we should say that you... Two weeks ago. Holy shit, please bleep that. Holy shit. oh my god oh my god we should say

we should say that also not a question also not a question oh my god is that true? yeah that's true great fantastic we should also say like he has to swing out to a sponsor ferris bleep that out oh my god i can't share this on my instagram story please please keep that out or bleep it at least do you guys know the myers-briggs personality test yeah so like i'm an enfj right do you guys

know your types sure what does that acronym stand for extrovert uh and then the other shit that i don't know yeah um j stands for judgmental instead of passive or something. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I've created a new personality test. Are you guys ready? Yeah. We're going to go one by one. This is the Nancy Myers Briggs test.

Whose dog is that? Sorry. Amir, is that Luke? Sorry, my gardeners are here going ham. Can you put a muzzle on Luke? Just because this is going to be golden. I can give him a little... Yeah, you guys keep talking.

What'd you give him? I'll figure this out. This is fucked. Amir's got to come back covered in blood. On his shirt. Are you guys fans of Nancy Meyers? She does a lot of traditional rom-coms, I believe. Am I right in saying it?

Yeah, she did The Holiday, Something's Gotta Give, right in saying it? The holiday, something's got to give, the parent trap, the intern, et cetera, et cetera. It feels like a very white upper middle class. If you're white upper middle class, you grew up loving her

and she could do no wrong. A hundred percent. You nailed it. It's basically Hallmark movies, but with a $20 million budget. That's right. Meryl Streep stars and then Alex Baldwin

is often the love interest, et cetera. Yeah. What about a strain of cannabis. Meryl Streep stars and then Alex Baldwin is often the love interest, et cetera. Yeah. What about a strain of cannabis called marijuana streep? It's fine. All right. Yeah, it's fine.

Johnny, you want to start us off with this Nancy Myers-Briggs test? So you're going to answer a series of questions and then I'm going to basically give you what your Nancy Myers-Briggs type is. Let's go for it.

All right. So you guys have to rate this. Amir, did you hear any of that? No, but it's probably fine. Alright. You're right. For all of these questions, it's a sliding scale of A, strong agree, B, agree,

C, disagree, or D, strong disagree. So we're just going to go down the line. Johnny, you understand? What your options are? Yeah. You're a 70 to go down the line. Johnny, you understand what your options are? Yeah. OK, you're a 70 year old intern. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we've partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. Strong disagree. All right. You can cry strong agree strong agree wow okay uh do it you're certain that you can get your parents back together if you trap them okay okay okay yeah i think agree i think i just agree you have a creepy borderline sexually possessive relationship

with your daughter oh okay see okay strong disagree on this one i didn't know if i wanted to make a joke i thought you meant see as in disagree i'm like it should probably be strong you believe women your own age are repulsive and worthless strong disagree with that one interesting uh you own a how is that interesting how is any of this interesting keep going though you own a bakery called the bakery strong disagree your house resembles the showroom floor of christ christ yeah strong disagree all right within a two box apartment 70 water 30 riesling you're gonna do this for all of us because it's long man yeah it's long

this is the last one Johnny take us home and then you'll I thought that was just my my type no strong disagree I guess alright that's fucking crazy alright I don't even have to count them up you are the Grinchy family patriarch

from Father of the Bride, George Banks. Steve Martin. Yeah, Steve, played by Steve Martin. Jeff, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you don't have some sort of algorithm that spits out the answer. You kind of just have these answers waiting for us. Am I wrong?

No, I have a loose algorithm that doesn't make much sense, but there is an algorithm. Billy, do you want to take us away? Your turn. Can I pass? You may not. Okay, let's play the game. Billy, do you want to take us away? Your turn. Can I pass? You may not. Okay, let's play the game.

You're a 70-year-old intern. If these are the same questions, I'm just going to go across the board. Agree. All of them are going to be agree? Yeah, because ultimately it doesn't matter. You know? Strong agree on that one.

Yeah. Okay, fine. If it's new questions, I'll play the game. If it's all the questions i just heard johnny answer honestly obviously i have the same answers as him because we're both decent people and half the shit you said doesn't make sense so i either i'm a carbon copy and i'm also the character that spit out at the end of the formula i can agree to all of them honestly

your call all right if you're answering b slash agree to all of them you're gonna be the uncrying movie trailer editor from the holiday amanda woods played by cameron diaz man yeah so like i said it doesn't matter yeah and then amir do you want to play or so you didn't give billy a chance to decide but now amir gets to decide i just feel like he's he's smiling but not of joy are you gonna ask him are you a 70 year old intern with the first question are you a 70 year old intern see see if it's the same question yeah i don't think we should play good yeah yeah. Yeah. I strongly disagree. This is not how that should have gone. I have a question for Amir when the music subsides.

We can just keep it going. Yeah. So do you think HeadGum would ever, this is potentially an ageist question, so be delicate. Would you be open to having a 70-year-old intern? open to having a 70 year old intern uh i guess we're open to it but i can't imagine one would ever want to apply like imagine like getting you know an entry-level job in social media or something or in podcasting as a septuagenarian right it would be an interesting look but i i just can't imagine a world where one applies

to be an intern. Yeah. I think Nancy Meyers wrote a movie that starred Robert De Niro as the 70-year-old intern. Jeff, is that true? Yep.

Okay. Short and sweet. Oh, yeah. The internship or the intern or something? I think so. The 70-year-old intern. Yeah.

Robert De Niro was the intern, right? Yeah. I auditioned for that movie got oddly close it was one of those auditions where i'm like that was a nothing audition and they're like they loved you they want you to stay in new york and meet nancy and audition with her and like other guys who are in the movie i'm like wow uh all right yeah let's do it and like went to like her hotel room one day and like read the scene with like Adam Devine,

who was like, he was either in it or it was the other guy who auditioned and got the part. But I felt like so, it was so out of my wheelhouse that it was weird that they brought me back. Was it written for you? Was it a character like you? No. Oh dear, that's tough.

Yeah, it's real. That's insane. It was just like a random 25 year old intern. Yeah, it's real. That's insane. It was just like a random 25-year-old intern. Yeah, it was like a normal guy. So it didn't feel right for me to audition. And I got really, really far, oddly enough, but I ended up not getting the movie. So you met Nancy?

Met her, yeah. Auditioned for her. Yeah, very nice. I feel like it'd be easier to act if I had the disposition of you because you don't want the job. Yeah, and maybe that helped. I remember at first I used to get a bunch of roles,

and then afterwards I didn't get any roles for forever, and then I just stopped auditioning, because I'm like, I don't like auditioning, and I'm not getting any roles. So I just, five years of getting some stuff, five years of getting zero stuff, and then five years of not auditioning anymore. What did you get besides Harold and Kumar?

I auditioned for like Louie, and I was in an episode of that you were in it no you weren't I was are you kidding me no you're canceled why because you took oh you were in Louie this is crazy how did I not know this about you I think you were like 11 at the time um interesting yeah like little small things sorry this just in three days later but the Celtics just agreed to a four year 54 million dollar contract extension with Robert Williams III

three days later that's this just in but three days later and the audio is from the NBA draft this is actually breaking news this is a this is a james bomb um here's a little bit of a coward that's news breaking at that this just in breaking news this is gonna be a little i'm a little late to the party on this one right specifically 34 years uh but nancy meyer's daughter that she had with charles shire her name is hallie meyer shire

and i think that's novel this is such horseshit the way you guys react to this and do you want to know why because it's not fair to you because we're not nice to you because you think you deserve more because you put in so much work during the week i've heard that one a bunch too i spent so much time preparing for this i found a quiz i found a quiz the I found a quiz to Jeffrey James story. His tombstone will read, he quizzed. You copy and paste BuzzFeed and you think that's a lot of work to have ruined on the show. 25 minutes of buildup to that quiz, right? We can't talk about the quiz until it's 20. All right, it's finally here.

25 minutes in. Are you a 70 year old or do you disagree nice thank fucking god we waited a half an hour for that rinse wash repeat every episode i'm hearing that you guys have found me to become predictable yeah i mean yeah like because my entire mo with this thing is to shake things up every week and yes i've tried to do away with the this or the that did you yes last week you you played ben marshall or simp marshal or something panicked it was fucking marshall man right but don't say you haven't done that and then you just did it and then I called you out and then it's like there's a reason for it I'm not talking about we've done a way with

Jeopardy no again last week Jeopardy people like Jeopardy by the way that's a good we gotta get rid of Jeopardy it's good because it requires work on your we haven't done The Price is Rice in a while. Yes, of course. That was one episode nine months ago where we had to guess the price of rice. I drove during one of these. Is that not novel? Remember when I was in a car? That was a good bit. Yeah, that was a good one.

I got to keep shaking it up. Maybe we make these twice a week. No, I don't think so. Twice a week. No. I don't think so. Twice a week? Because then it forces me to do it twice. Get reps in, as Billy would say. You jacked, man. Ooh, that was a tough one.

That was the last of the toothpaste in the toothpaste pun tube, and he just, man. Yeah, nothing came out, So he just dipped the bristles into the side of the tube, hoping to catch something. Yeah. May. Do you guys think a rabbi has ever bristled at a bris? Amir, is it true that some rabbis after a bris will actually put the tip of the foreskin in their mouth? You know, I've looked into that because I guess that's like a very common known thing where after a circumcision, some rabbis will like suck the blood out or like do something like that to cleanse the foreskin or something like that. And I guess it's not very widely spread to do anymore. But I guess in some like super orthodox communities,

it does still happen or it did still happen until recently. But there was like actual cases of children, babies getting like diseases from the rabbi doing that, that they no longer do that. Word of the week. Word of the week. Word of the goddamn week of the week where do they goddamn week what do i said so many obscure words that could have passed none of them were it shows the most common shows no this was set up before

the episode where do you have it in writing anywhere can you show us the screen by which it says word of the week is due yes i'm watching you type the word do in the reflection of your glasses. See? Yes, I do see. It's a Google search. Bristles verb. Bristles verb is also a verb. I was pretty confident it was a verb, and I did have to double check. Screen sharing is always such a freaking gamble.

Clean your house before you screen share on Zoom. Yeah. Johnny, your apartment really has come together, speaking of cleaning your house. Okay. And in terms of cleaning house, how have you been doing with the ladies in Lower Manhattan? We don't have to talk about this.

Have they lowered your hat? Lowered my hat. As in your foreskin? Jesus, man. They performed a brisk. Stop it. Yeah, we're like... Give it up. knock it off yeah

i think everything that's been said today has been positive to everyone except for me we're 48 minutes in and 43 of them was the trolo low guy that's not true three minutes of it and if we're gonna fucking spread lies then i'm gonna spread lies about all of you guys go johnny villa has some of the worst political opinions i've ever heard someone spew in an office setting billy scafuri made a million dollars off of a pharmaceutical investment that he doesn't like talking about because it caused insulin to spike above 13 a dose amir Blumenfeld and Abital Ash broke up four years ago. They haven't had the heart to tell their

fans. He prefaced this by saying, I'm going to tell a lie about all of you. Three lies and a lie. So there are some examples of lies, folks. Plugs. Billy, what do you have that you're working on no joke podcast nfl networks any side projects side hustles that you want to kind of speak about

in terms i know what a plug is i know i know i know um i want to plug my wife's uh newest short film it's called stagere Stagere yeah it was shot right before the pandemic and now it's in a bunch of short films and it's up for

an award at the I believe it is the Stockbridge Film Festival so you guys can go on my Twitter at Billy Scafuri and find out where you can watch it

and where you can vote wow it's spelled S-T-A-I-G-I-A-R-E for anyone actually interested I am not in it are you gonna do another short soon i remember the the bench one was pretty fire that was pretty fun thank you um that's not fun i can only assume it was a 12-hour day so probably not that fun

yeah so that film is called triple kiss and you can also check that out on my vimeo i'd appreciate that oh yeah i'm here plugs uh watch, watch white Lotus. Loved it. We should say that. Well, wait, Johnny and Billy, have you seen it? I have not.

I haven't seen it. And you are, do you, are you going to, I am okay. Uh, I as well. I just saved it into my, I was about to,

I was about to say a spoiler and then bleep it out, but that would have spoiled it for you guys. And just so that you know that I'm not a complete psychopath bully. I did not. Thank you, Jeff. That's really, you know,

normal people don't have to even say their thought processes. Johnny, I feel like you resent the fact that we did this after working hours. This is in the middle of working hours for me.

It's 5 p.m. It's 6 p.m. Well, 5 p.m. I'm still going. I'm still going hammering home. No, you're right. Johnny, can I tell you

what I think my favorite quality about you is on this podcast? And it seems like probably in life, you're unflappable. Unflappable. Now, what does that mean? Well, I think in my loose definition of it, unflappable means that in the face of chaos constantly, you just don't lose sight of who you are. You don't get too high. You don't get too low. You don't get too reactionary. And doing this podcast, it's inciting, you know, he's inciting conflict with all of us.

And you seem unfazed by it. So I just wanted to pat you on the back for that. Wow. Thank you so much, Billy. That means a lot to me, especially considering this is our first time meeting. Yeah. I've listened to you on the podcast, though,

and I've texted Jeffrey that I'm a fan of Johnny. Yeah, I was just about to bring up that Billy sent me a text on, I think, saying johnny is funny oh wow thanks you're welcome i'm your plugs i already did it was uh white lotus but uh i also think you're unflappable and funny wow thanks everybody i can't say the same for jeff i'm glad you guys of course Jeff is incredibly flat it's laughable how flappable is it's it's so like I don't mind that Johnny got praise in fact I appreciate it because I think Johnny's honestly unflappable and funny the thing that bothers me is when Amir says of course to me not being those things because it's not a given and

just because you think that doesn't mean that other people your hands are so close to the computer i mean this is this is exactly what like you're making my case for me i mean it just shows how unbelievably flappable you are i'm'm flappable in a subjective way. That's your opinion. I'm saying don't say of course. You can say whatever you want about me, but don't say of course. Okay.

Okay. Felt like we were wrapping up. We were wrapping up, but now I feel like we need to fucking fill out the hour here, do another seven minutes. Nah. It's three.

It's three. Name two reasons why we don't finish out the next six and a half minutes we can figure some way to fill the time amir fucking left remember he used to leave every like in them 15 minutes into the show billy's gone john is the only one here with me i'm wondering how long we get to keep him follow me on instagram at j-o-h-n-n-y-v-i-i and he's gone gone um fuck i guess let's uh no you know i'm gonna try this we have six minutes i'm gonna try and fill it uh solo dolo this time i'm the man on the moon major key alert the only way that you're gonna get anywhere in any field whether it's creative or professional is by being your own advocate so way that you're going to get anywhere in any field whether it's creative

or professional is by being your own advocate so something that you guys have to understand is that yes people will help you if you're a nice person and you're on a network in a kind professional intelligent and uh basically uh un-intrusive way um but at the end of the day, nobody can care more about your career or your passion more than you. You have to want it. You have to have that drive, that passion, that je ne sais quoi that they're not going to find with someone else. If you are pitching a business idea, you have to be the only person that can get that done does that make sense and if you're uh you know if you're an actor and you're auditioning for something give don't just give them a reason not to hire you give them a reason or don't just give them a reason

don't just not give them a reason not to hire you make it so that you're that person and that is the character and vice versa. The show won't happen without you. And that's why you have to be. And it doesn't, you know, no acting class will teach you that. All right. And you know,

same goes if you're for a lawyer, you know, if you're a defense attorney, your client won't even want to not be in jail more than you. So you have to want that person to walk free more than they want it. Does that make sense? We're going to get him with another major key alert. When throwing a party, it can often be stressful.

We all know that hosting any kind of event is stressful because it's all of your favorite people and everybody's vying for your attention. any kind of event is stressful because it's all of your favorite people and everybody's vying for your attention. So my advice when throwing an event is invite at least 20% of the party should be people you don't know at all. That way, 20% of the party is not coming up to you vying for your attention and your time. I find, and I've talked to a lot of brides, a lot of grooms, on their wedding day, the people that monopolize their time are the people that they don't even care about because the people that they care about and see on a, you know, let's say a weekly, monthly or biannual basis, they don't need to monopolize your time because they're secure in their relationship with you.

A and B, they know that you're busy. They know that you're, you know, being dragged every which way. They'll talk to you later, right? Because they'll see you later. But, you know, Aunt Janine walks up. She's a little bit, you know, red stained teeth, let's say. And suddenly she's talking your ear off about how she did a hands-on pottery class

for the better part of a decade. And I just, that's not kosher to me. That's not the aunt that I aspire to be. Major P.O. Alert. When you're at aunt that I aspire to be. Major key alert. When you're at a water park, don't wear a Speedo. No matter how slick and how much faster you think you're going to go down the slide, ultimately, that's not a good look to have. Major key alert.

When creating a persona, non-grata or otherwise, don't take it on the first date just be yourself major key alert make sure when buying fish that it's the most sustainably sourced slice because and i was pescatarian for two and a half years my mercury levels were through the roof, Johnny. So, and we should say Johnny's not here. I just, if he listens to this. So if you are pescatarian, you should do a hair vitamin and mineral test to make sure your mercury levels are okay.

And if they're not, you need to be balancing that out with certain vitamins. Major key alert. If you're watching baseball with someone who doesn't like baseball, just serve them a beer and a brat. Because that's honestly what baseball is about, more so than spitting sunflower seeds on the pitch.

Major key alert. Traveling is only fun if you're with people who know how to go with the flow. And if you're someone who doesn't know how to go with the flow, you need to do some unlearning because that's clearly a childhood capital T trauma. Major key alert. At a buffet, pace yourself. Major key alert. At a buffet, pace yourself. Major key alert. When you're trying to make sushi for the first time,

know that the tighter the roll doesn't mean that it's gonna taste better. You have to make sure that the rice is seasoned. You have to make sure that the fish, again, is sustainably sourced. The higher quality the fish, the higher quality the dish. Major key alert.

Don't run for public office. Nobody should be king. Nobody should be in the dish major key alert don't run for public office nobody should be king nobody should be in charge major key alert when you're buying anything vintage whether it's clothes guitars watches make sure that you get a little bit of information on the original owner it's not a guarantee it's not something that you need to be to buy the tea but it could be cool and it could add to the story. Major key alert. Ever had oatmeal in a dish that hasn't had any sweetener added? I'm talking no maple syrup,

no brown sugar, no sprinkles. That is going to be one of the healthiest breakfasts you can have. Breakfasts you can have because it's a good source of not only whole grain, but fiber, dietary fiber

that's going to be good and crucial for not only liver function and health but digestion itself major key alert swindle a major media company into giving you an internship that lasts a lifetime major key alert not every first date has to be a cinderella story the first one be average, but I like to say give everyone two dates. Major key alert. Your personal brand is everything. Every move you make professionally should serve a higher brand. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of the Head Gum Podcast. We just made it past the hour. I don't know if the edited version will be an hour exactly, but we did it.

She! She! She! She! She! She! We'll see you guys again next week, and until then, that's Daz folks that was a hit gum original