The Headgum Podcast - 67: END THE EPISODE (w/ Marcos Gonzalez!)

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

Comedian Marcos Gonzalez (Saved by the Bell) joins Jake, Amir, and Geoff to discuss Raya, LASIK, and Ivermectin! BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Join the Headgum Discord. Check out our sponsor MyBookieSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. What was that? That's the only one we use going forward forever. You know, Pyle, you should have named your son Scott Free Pyle. Like, so, Scott Pyle, and no Pyle, and everybody would be none the Pfizer, and then the middle name would end up being Free. Yeah, I could have gone that route.

And you would have gotten away with it. I didn't feel like Ridley Scott's production company. You would have gotten away with it, too. If it wasn't for that meddling Kate and that damn dog yeah that's a Scooby Doo reference he didn't get it one two three cool that was easy all right oh my god there's a soundboard there's also there's a soundboard

oh yeah good oh you're good I would what no it's a remix you remix the Russian national anthem with black eyed peas It's a remix? You remixed the Russian national anthem. With Black Eyed Peas? Wait, so the Black Eyed Peas still exist, right?

Did they just change out Fergie? Reunion Tour 2022. Is that what you're begging for? Well, no. I like, someone told me and I never did the research on it, but they were like the black eyed peas came back but they replaced Fergie with like some young lady oh shit really and they were like that's not right is it because Fergie had a solo career

did you just look it up I know they must have done it I saw it and I was like man what has Apple the app been up to dude what is taboo feeling today um this is like when they tell you when you're writing a pilot, you should write just

start with the second episode because there was no introduction here. We just immediately went into the lineup of the Black Eyed Peas. I love this energy. Oh, yeah. What this has never before is Marcos Gonzalez,

Funny or Die fame, Saved by the Bell writer, and now actor, you were telling me. Sort of, yeah. Social media personality. Borderline influencer, but you're not here at all not even close and

then also we have two schmucks wow who we dropped everything to be here i see you guys this was uh this was cramming this in was very stressful on a long day and the first thing we hear is the two schmucks of it all yeah the two schmucks of it all the two the guys approaching 40 this is 40 we should say Amir's three years older than me so I kind of resent like me being moved into that age bracket I'm

squarely in my mid 30s maybe a little older because I'm 36 you're in Jake's new house townhouse in Brooklyn. We should say pull up. Yeah, it's very nice, except... No, let's bleep the address. The ceilings are high,

so you're going to have to de-echo a little bit. If there's a filter, that will help you out. That'll be great. Wait, how are you guys doing? Because wasn't everything flooded? Everything but my house, thankfully. Everything but you? There was a foot of water in my neighbor's basement but nothing happened to me you have the nose arc of houses

you may have smiled upon me i do have a fuck ton of animals in here yeah you've been weirdly adopting uh exotic zoo animals which is probably not only by two but i've been breeding skunks in here yeah i'm trying to start a petting zoo. Oh, let me tell you about skunks. I love skunks. What's that? Let me tell you. I absolutely love skunks. I don't know what happened, but over the course of the last seven months, I started seeing skunks in my neighborhood, like five or six of them. And I'm sure they're a family. And there's like a house in my neighborhood that's like, they go into their gate and like go to the backyard.

And I'm like, at this point, these people must be feeding these skunks. And then it started to bleed into my work life. And I just started calling people skunks to the point where I have like, people started sending me patches. I think I have one in here that just say like, I'm a little stinker with like a skunk kind of like winking at you. Well, part of your brand is stinky, I would say would say yeah stinky is for sure part of my brand most adjectives like stinky crunchy crispy uh all those like weird words that for some reason all the big adjectives all the big adjectives that no adult should ever use yeah no adult should ever use those but for some reason i love that is the word of the week which one

crispy all of them crispy that is the word of the week so that's a thousand dollars in your pocket what is your Venmo oh shit don't do it I see you selling your personal belongings on Instagram so I feel like you really just don't need to actually I cannot send you this

because I'll get an overdraft fee right oh no yeah good I was literally swiping on Raya like maybe two or three hours ago and a girl came up whose name was crispy or that's what the like display name was and I almost wanted to message her and be like this can't

be real but like maybe there is people out there it was a delayed bomb drop from the fact that you said you were swiping on Raya. Yeah. You guys pretty baller. Jeff, you didn't get in, right? What's that?

You didn't get in? You applied multiple times and you were rejected, right? I was like, why is it applied? Not even wait list, which is what they tell you to be polite. Jeff just got a straight up rejection, which I didn't even know he did. Oh no, I didn't even know they did that.

Was it based on you being ugly or was it based on bad personality? I know you have both. Did you submit through Jeffrey? Did you submit through Jeffrey or Rodney's closet? Um, I don't know. This is an attack on my character.

I don't really know what to say. But you have applied to get onto this dating app several times and have been rejected, right? Once. And I had two friend passes. I don't know if you had a friend. had two friend passes how the fuck did that happen i melanie bracewell gave me one and i think avi tall gave me one and you're still gonna get a no go they stopped you at the door they said your money's no good here i i like to think that my

instagram content has improved over the past calendar year because i applied last april do they check that yeah i think that's the only thing they check. To be honest, dude, it's like the same 10 people. They just don't. I think they just like stopped adding people at one point. It's literally the same cycle of people every day. I'm like, I don't understand. Like if they've said no once, I feel like we should

all move on here. I don't even get it. It's the rejection every time. It'll eventually wear you down. Jake, how's the new house? You moved in two weeks ago, we should say. Yeah, it's nice. It's good.

It's good to be here. Not everything's finished. We don't have gas. We don't have hot water. Right. What? Not ideal. Not ideal at all.

But it's good to be here. Is that going to happen soon? What do you mean you don't have gas is it just because of the hurricane or for this no no i don't know why it didn't happen yet it's because we we filed for like our plumbing divorce and then yeah we filed for divorce and they took dating a plumber who took the gas and the divorce She'll take the gas and the divorce. Yeah, no, the gas just won't come on. They need to do the gas inspection, but they don't have a sense of urgency. They don't have the same timeline as I do.

Right, yeah, which is kind of now. Yeah. How was kind of christening the joint? You mean like having people over, like having our first drink? I hope you're not asking me how was, how was having your marital bed with my wife? Yeah,

no, I'm not. First time not living in one of your family's places. Coitus. Disgusting. Non-interruptus. Yeah. Yeah.

Ideally. What a wild fucking question. You asked your boss on a podcast about having sex with his wife. Listen to yourself. That's disgusting. I was banging in your house, my guy. I just want to know because there's so many rooms and there's a, there's a, we should say there's a unit downstairs.

We don't have to. That was such a bad segue. I just want to know. And we should say there's a unit. There's a lot of rooms. So I have to know which room is. Yeah. You know what?

Let's just move on. This is absolutely. Thank you. Marcos. How's your sex life? Let's just move on. This is absolutely for sure. Thank you. Marcos, how's your sex life? We should... Oh, that's not moving on. That's so adjacent. You want to jump in? Let's jump into my sex life, bro.

Yeah. Are you dating anybody? That's an easier in. Yes, it was. So, I mean, it was the pandemic. So, I pretty much... And I think this might go for a lot of people. Yeah.

I had a bubble of like whatever, like six or seven people. Yeah. And of course, everybody started to be like, you know, because it's like, you're not, nobody was like casually like, oh yeah, I'm going to go on a dating app and go on a date with someone who potentially has COVID. So for like months, we would just like all camp together. And then everybody was kind of like sussing each other just like all camp together and then everybody was

kind of like sussing each other out and then me and one of my really good homies I've known for like 10 years started dating but it's been like one of the most toxic things it's just a lot of like break up get back together break up get back together like and it was like one of those things we're like oh it'll probably change like when things get normal we'll just do our own thing get worse it's terrible cycle yeah um so my sex life's been good but uh it's like it's it's gone it's like there and then it's gone and then it's there but it's like every two weeks so it's like i don't care at this point i'm like all right it's just gonna cycle again do you mean literally camping you guys were camping yeah literally i mean you know

there was like three things everybody did during pandemic. It was like, they like figured out how to make bread or like garden or camp. So my group was like, we're going to take this STEMI. We're going to go to REI. We're going to buy a bunch of tents and just fucking figure this shit out. And then we started to figure out in the middle of pandemic that there was like some national parks just had no people working at them because like they couldn't afford to pay them, I guess, or something. So like we would just drive into Joshua Tree and just like hang there for like a weekend.

It was like maybe 10 weekends in a row. We did like Joshua Tree, Anza Borrego, Yosemite, Big Sur. We just like, wow, the government is paying us to travel, I guess. So we just like bounced around, hit all the parks. Was it three girls, three guys? Like what's the ratio like when everybody was like for lack of a better term sucking and fucking in that desert yeah everybody was like no you don't have to answer that i'm sorry no nice you don't have to answer that i'll

tell you i'll tell you who's sucking and fucking bro no it's actually there was like four main members but only me and my friend were hooking up but then it became an issue because it was another guy girl group the girl was not interested in anything and that guy was interested in the girl that i was with and it became us that was its whole other issue and then we had like a rotating four other people that came in but it seemed like they were all in other relationships pre-covid except maybe one or two i don't think anybody was like trying to like get on the action just happened to be that us two were like, and everybody was like, oh, shit.

Can we get first and last names for all these people? I'm not dropping any names. All right, all right. That's good. They'll kill me. Nice try, Jeff. But I feel like Marcus has heard this podcast before. Also, I feel like I did a bad stinker. I love you said crispy again.

I would vote you two grand. Drop the bomb. You're a stinker. If you said crispy again, I would vote you two grand. Drop the bomb. You're a stinker. That's funny. That's funny.

But if you do that again, I will eat your ass. You're going to eat my ass? Maybe. I don't know if we go camping. Bro, I don't know about that. It took you a second to find the sound bite, right? And you forced it in there. What the? What the? What the? right and you forced it in there um i feel like i didn't introduce i introduced you on the show in like a point two second intro but i didn't introduce you jake and amir or jake and amir to

you no i know marcos from funny or die years ago and then i know jake and amir from my job that i've had since then and now you guys know each other I I've watched you guys a billion times on YouTube. Hell. Yeah. Thank you. You guys are watching We watched a lot of funny or die as well. Oh Did you write the landlord I Wish no, I actually I came in at like the tail end of them making content. I feel like Jorge Ortiz was the last good thing Funny or Die put out. Holy shit.

Drop a bomb, baby. No, it was a good time. I interned there like 2016, like the last semester of college. And they still had like a writer's room and a social like media team and like they were still making content and i just remember being like how do i be a writer and they were like you gotta go do ucb for like five years and i was like fuck that dude that would have ended right now yeah i was like fuck what the fuck so i was like all right i'm just gonna do a bunch of like, oh, you know what happened?

I remember what happened. Facebook Live started and they were like, yo, fuck Periscope. We're going to give everyone a million dollars to make videos on Facebook Live. They were like, we'll give every company that exists money to use Facebook Live. And then Funnier Die was like, oh, we don't really know how to use Facebook Live. We have like some ideas. And I was like, let me do characters and they were like no and so then i i kind of lie i lied to them and i was like this other company is gonna pay me to do characters nice and they were like all right well and i was like i'd much rather do with you guys and they were like okay we'll do it and it

was like for no money but i was like like, whatever exposure. So it was something like 20 something weeks straight. Once a week, I would do this character called Jorge Ortiz, where I was like this Latino news correspondent. And I would just go on to Hollywood Boulevard. And this is like pre-Trump. And I would just interview people about how they felt about the election. And like Trump was doing some stupid shit every week. So I had like a topic every week and I would just riff for like an hour at a time.

And it was all live. And stay in character. Yeah, it was all live for an hour at a time. I don't know how you did that that long. I honestly, I blacked out every time. I would drink like five coffees and I'd be like, here we go. The today's thing is like gun violence or whatever. And I'd just riff on it and go for like an hour.

And somehow never said anything problematic. I really thought I was going to like stumble over something and say some fucked up shit. Totally fine. And then someone at Funny or Die brought it over to Comedy Central. I did it for a while and then they were like, no more politics. Trump selected. Everybody's depressed. But not before you interviewed

Ken Bone, we should say. I interviewed Ken Bone. I interviewed the head of the Libertarian Party. I interviewed like the taco truck on every corner guy. Before the debate. They sent me to the last debate in Vegas. And I was like, it was like the first time where I was like, holy shit. There's a lot of Trump supporters, guys. He might win this thing.

Oh, that was literally the moment where I was like, uh-oh. And I remember calling my mom in a panic and being like, hey, I don't think Hillary's going to win. This is a very scary moment. And she was like, no, shut up. I was like, I was like, no, I'm serious.

Yeah, that was the last time I talked to my mom. No, it was such a trippy, it was such a trippy, weird experience and I would never do it again. Yeah. Major key alert.

If you live in California, don't take this recall election like Marcos treated the 2016 election. We should say you didn't vote in 2016. I voted. All right. Very good. Very good.

Yes, yes, yes. Very good. You voted. No, the same thing could happen here. Same thing could happen here. Same thing could happen in Texas, in California. So if you're mad about Texas,

vote in the recall. That was the first fucking earnest thing you've ever said on the show because i'm scared about the fucking recall man i'm sure it's fine i'm sure it's the only thing he knows it'll be sure it's fine yeah you voted for larry elder you wrote him in well even if he's the governor which i prefer honestly at this point I'm sure it's fine how much power does the governor have total power over the state is his campaign still going to respect your elders

he's gotta do it yeah I like that you should work for Larry my fear is if you work for Larry he would win we have to move on. Welcome to Ivermectin or Ivermartin. What?

Who? Ivermartin? We also didn't know Ivermectin. Iverectin ivermectin i've heard about this shit yeah this is like what they're telling people like it's a horse dewormer yeah joe rogan apparently had a fucking uh covid and the only way he beat it apparently was by drinking horse dewormer or eating horse dewormer do you eat it or drink it i think it's a pill but basically this is a game where i'm gonna list a fact either about, and then you have to attribute it to either the medicine, the horse deworming medicine, ivermectin,

or condensed matter theorist, Ivermartin. Can I ask a quick question? Yes. Which fucker is like at a horse clinic going, oh yeah, ketamine, ivermectin, all of it. It's great for us, baby. Who the fuck is doing that? Did you say it's grape for us? Gra it. It's great for us, baby. Who the fuck is doing that? Did you say it's great for us? Great.

It's great for us. Great. Great. I just don't understand. Because ketamine, that's a pretty popular thing. Ketamine's kind of awesome, yeah. Yeah, and it's like, oh, okay, this is horse tranquilizer. So are people just going through horse medicines just to see what the fuck they do?

I've been using a horse shampoo for the long hair. Oh, man and tail. That's another thing. Yeah, people love horse shampoo. All right. I think, man and tail. That's another thing. People love horse shampoo. I think we're all horses. It's fine. Here we go. You guys ready? Ivermectin or Ivermartin are your two options. Hit it. Blank is a

medication used to treat certain parasitic roundworm infection in horses. That's correct. That's absolutely correct, Amir. Alright. Blank is a condensed matter theorist in the material science division. What's that? Did you say Ivor Martin?

Yeah. That's absolutely correct. I can't play this game because I can't remember that guy's fucking name. This has been Ivor Mekton or Ivor Martin. What the fuck? Yeah, we have to move on. We have a lot more segments to get to. We have to go now.

We have to go. I'm imagining that this was in person. It was just all different rooms. We have to keep getting going to the next room. Go, go, go. You did it. It's time. Rate of play.

Amir, you don't look great today. Yeah, I'm pretty tired. You have a long night ahead of you, too. Yeah, I have to either nap after this or rally. Yeah, you should rally and go out hard. You won that last game, though. You did win. That's true.

Yeah, that gives me a little wind in my sails. It's also really hot in this room. We turned off the AC. Well, you don't have AC, you said. Well, you don't have air or gas. No, we have air. We have the air. That's an electric blower.

So that's all good to go. We love an electric blower. It's a leaf blower on a tripod. All right, this is Christian or Martha Stewart edition. Oh, God. All right, let's hit it. So I'm going to list some quotes, and you have to attribute them to either Martha Stewart or Kristen Stewart.

Yeah. Does it make sense? This one's for actual cash. This is $10 for every right answer, $10 owed to me for every right answer. And the one that I won. That one wasn't for cash. That one was more of a PSA. Wait, I have to owe you money if I get it wrong?

I don't know. Doesn't matter at a certain point. All right, it all right um jake do you have any questions sometimes you know i don't know i don't i didn't know iver iver martin or iver mectin you didn't know iver wow you didn't know i wouldn't make it feel bad nobody knows i remember i know kristen stewart do you know kristen stewart is she played diana ross or whatever or whatever do you know diana ross i'd watch that movie i would watch it just to see her get fucking canceled that's you pitch um amir do you get it jesus dude fucking continue on with the show You've done this for 50 weeks straight I've sat here I've answered your questions

I won the last game Yes I get it Moving on and fuck it For the first one I'll say Kristen Stewart Just to keep the ball rolling You don't want to hear it And you want to attribute it to Kristen Stewart No I don't want to hear it

I don't want to hear anything more from you Kristen Stewart final answer Is that Marthaart the first one was martha stewart that's exactly right marcos that's ten dollars to marcos and the second one the second one's kristen stewart the second one is kristen stewart this is crazy i owe him twenty dollars coming from the third one is kristen stewart this is insane holy shit no one's ever had a winning streak this way. It's a classic pattern. A, B, E. It's probably A next.

It's probably Martha. It's the fourth one. That's incredible. That's all right. I'm still working on that. You're still up 20. Amir, you owe me $10. I'm still up 20, bro. Let's actually go out with this, though you uh marcus has a head start i'm here as a what can i

say not a head start jay even keel and ass start yeah here we go i cat nap now and then but i think while i nap so it's not a waste of time martha martha absolutely that's correct jake is diana ross millennial says cat nap diana ross takes cat naps i want a cheeseburger so badly but i have that's true that's absolutely correct um i heard marcos first so marcos is up 30 jake is up 10 amir you owe me 10 i'm not giving you shit. Girls are scary. Large groups of girls. Yep. Classic. I never expected that this would

be my life. Martha. Martha Stewart. Yeah. Incorrect. Kristen. I'll go Kristen Stewart. I thought Martha said that in jail. I thought she would have said that in jail. Oh, shit. This is my life. I like making pies.

I have a bunch of... Incorrect. Kristen makes pies? I guess whatever. She loves making pies. So you're up to 20 in a row. Martha doesn't need to say it. Martha doesn't need to say it because she is a pie.

Yeah, she is a pie. Kristen needs to say it. She is the pie. All right. Of course I know how to roll a joint. Martha Stewart. Martha. Correct.

She did that thing with Snoop Dogg. She's done that thing with Snoop Dogg, I think, like four times. She's milked it for what it's worth. It's funny every time. Francesca and Sharky, my French bulldogs, have their own blog. And they're brilliant at it. Kristen. Kristen.

Martha. Martha. Martha. Martha. Correct. All right. Nice. He can't answer both.

He's guessing both. Jeffrey, there needs to be some law and order here. That cancels out, right? So. He can't guess. He's guessing both. Jeffrey, there needs to be some law and order here. That cancels out, right? So now I don't owe you anything. Then he'll just instantly say one. Which winner takes all? So I owe Margo's. That's $30.

Nice. I couldn't even figure out what I was going to do with my hands there. That game went by way faster than it should have. So I guess we could just wax. No, what? Gross. You want me to wax on here? I guess I could put my microphone up to my leg. It would be kind of loud. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1, just one scoop and a cup of water

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Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. Marcus, you had L lasik three weeks ago oh yeah let's talk about body modifications bro um my whole pandemic has been mostly so like in the middle of camping to tie it all back together i uh i like you were camping at mount whitney i

got pegged so i had to get a i had to like body modify my butthole to make it bigger i uh i was like having we were like up in the mountains and I like could not breathe. And then I went back to a doctor and I was like, hey, what's up? And he was like, you fractured your nose so many times that your bone is growing at an incline. So we have to re-break your nose and give you essentially a nose job because you can't breathe. And I was like, oh shit, do it. Do you remember breaking your nose yeah as a kid i fractured it like three or four times the first one i remember was like i was on

a bike i was like racing my brother on a bike and hit a pothole and i didn't know to like let go of the bike so i just went face first with the bike into the cement and then i broke it twice in soccer and then once a kid threw a water bottle at my head and it like it like exploded a water bottle yeah a water bottle and this was all between the ages of like 7 and 16 and those were all of them but then apparently your nose is like super fragile post fracture so my nose was just growing it honestly looked like a if i wish i could show you a picture it looked kind of like a like a question mark because it had been like it was like growing kind of like squiggly wow like i was always like whatever it's like an owen wilson thing i don't give a shit and then they were like no it's bad so i did that and then you got a nose job by accident yeah

insurance cover baby and then i got a and then i got lasik about a month ago yeah um because i'd bit i just saved up for it i was like dude i fucking contacts. I always get like weird allergies and then they fall out. And then I'm like, I can't drive. Weird allergies, Yankovic. Is that anything? Nice. Amir, laugh at that shit. It's like, okay, have fun on the show.

What's up with the soundboard? Is there something for bad stuff? What do we hear when it's bad? Everything is for bad stuff. I guess there would be the worst. Wow. What did he say? The worst.

Jake and Amir have had LASIK. Marcos just had LASIK. And I'm getting LASIK in four days. Are you really? Yeah. Your eyes are finally not dry? Oh, did I not tell you this? Yeah.

So Marcos, I have a degenerative eye condition um yummy well two degenerative eye conditions I have uh pinguecula on all four sides of my eyes which are like pink growths well they're just actually growths yeah what is it called pinguecula pink growthulas and you wonder why you weren't

let on raya dude this is why they don't let fucking ping lecula motherfuckers on i was denied before the growths occurred they look at your profile they see it sounds like the production company that made futurama pingekulon that's literally what that sounds like dude this is bullshit i mean you guys are rose colored corneas and then what's the other one does it have a better name or not? The other one is my Bohemian gland dysfunction. Right.

Yeah. Also, don't you have COVID? You're making this shit up, bro. You can't get LASIK when you have COVID. Oh, yeah. I have these eye conditions, which means that I can't

wear contacts anymore because when I do, my eyes get unbelievably red. So, and then my eyes were unbelievably dry. My eye doctor said that it was a desert floor on my eyes and that i should move to anywhere that wasn't as dry as la but i fixed it through doing

lipoflow treatments which is where they put these things in your eye and my roommates doing that right now yeah uh and so jake to answer your question um i what was my question you didn't have a question dude you said actually your question was and you wonder? You didn't have a question, dude. Actually, your question was, and you wonder why you didn't get on Raya. Yeah. No, but my eyes on the Shermer's test, which is where they put paper strips in your eyes to see how wet they are,

I scored a 5 and a 10, which is bone dry, and that was in April. And then last week, or two weeks ago, 25 and 35, which is unbelievably wet. So I am a candidate for L lasik and uh it should all go according to flan pull out a fucking spanish custard i don't that's way too wet that's way too wet your eyes are too moist for lasik yeah that'll extinguish a laser shit also don't you have covid how are you getting lasik if you have a Delta variant? I don't have COVID. They cancel out.

They actually cancel out. My Bowman gland dysfunction cancels out COVID. I fucking tested negative, Blumenfeld. So you think that's it for you? That's it for these hoes. Are you going to tell the LASIK guy, like, don't worry, I had COVID a week ago, but I tested negative yesterday on this at-home thing, so I'm probably fine. Anyway, let's get in a small room.

You, me, and a laser. You don't know anything about COVID, man. 10-day quarantine, and that was over last night. I did. I texted them because guess what? The last place I fucking went was the eye doctor, right? So he gave it to you. I texted them and told them I was suing

them. Yeah yeah they probably gave that laser gave you covid i was worried i was like does covid affect the eyes will this affect the healing and he said no so i'm getting lasik on tuesday that's the fucking moral of the story how was your lasik experience he was like yeah covid gives makes your eyes more wet it's really weird um i wish my lasik experience was chill my guy was cool it wet. It's really weird. I wish. My LASIK experience was chill. My guy was cool. It's definitely weird because for a couple seconds, you're for sure blind. You're like, oh, I can't see anything and everything is blurry.

And then they're like, all right. For me, there was like eight people in the room and only one person doing something. So it was really weird. I was like, what are you guys all watching here? But for the most part, I mean, I've never been happier. Really? I can see everything pretty good. Jake and Amir got LASIK, what, two years ago, three years ago?

Three years for me. Yeah, two for me. Nice. Was that when they still did it with a knife? Oh, come on. We're not that old. I mean, you guys are old as shit, man. Not really.

They brought out a fucking machete bro i don't think so they use the laser it's called lasik they've been using a laser since the 90s no that's what i was saying what that's what i was saying i was just like you're old also we could be old but we still got lasik recently also remember amir's older than i am so i'm kind of like on the young guy team with you guys you're really i'm down to one home yeah i'm down to fucking make fun of um old fogey blumenfeld here yeah mr boomer guy we should get that to stick old fogey it doesn't make it doesn't rhyme or it's not a pun on anything there's no rhyme or reason but you're still old as shit yeah not really 38 weird. Like, like on an old ship,

like a sail, not a sailboat, a steamboat. Yeah. It's like, you hear the, you hear the steam train coming in and then it's suddenly, suddenly it's old fogey Blumenfeld.

And that is steam. And you just went right to the soundboard. You were like, I have something. Steam. I have a train. I have a train i have a train um no but we are pulling in we should say uh uh all aboard

let the riff come in he's he's doing his remix he's got a dj we're pulling into reflection junction not a rhyme about what we were reflecting i don't want you to think that that rhymed reflection junction what's your function comparing 1921 to 2021 what

okay hit it let's hear what do you got or is this just an open ended thing it's not really reflecting to compare is this just an open ended thing where we have to go oh yeah here's the thing from 1921 I've been thinking about for god knows how long

that I have prepared talking points to talk about between 1921 and 2021 I just think it's interesting because we're not in a good spot right now right is that how I think that you're holding this yeah this is an air tag that

goes on my dog's collar so i can never lose him okay i thought it was but he's not but he's not there but he's not here he's fucking gone there's a there's a sex toy that looks very similar to that that i thought what's that do you think i would be sitting here just fucking with a sex story like it's a ball gag. I don't know. I have CBD that the fucking sponsor sent to. It's kind of all the same shit. This is actually to cover my asshole

so nobody can peg me. It's like a little... Sorry. I have my stopper in. I don't want to be pegged as like just, you know, one thing or another. What?

Ferris, cut that out. Ferris, cut that out. Do you want to talk about some 1920s sex toys? So in 1921, the first woman was sawed in half on stage. In 2021, white supremacists stormed the U.S. Capitol. Let's talk about it.

Right? Two traumatic events? Or what? Was she like... Did she die? Or was it magic? In a magic act. Yeah, in a magic act.

So that's kind of fun. That's kind of friendly. It's kind of awesome. What'd you say? That's when it started? Are you trying to come up with like a cool metaphor? Like, oh, two halves of a whole?

No. You guys are giving me too much credit even. I'm just saying that something fun happened in 1921, which is that a magician sawed a woman in half. You guys are giving me too much credit even. I'm just saying that something fun happened in 1921, which is that a magician sawed a woman in half. And then this year, I mean, we almost lost our nation's capital.

You know, in 1921, that was just after the Great War. So there were millions and millions of people died in the world. Yeah, Hitler did take power in 1921 as well. He became a hero. So it wasn't all magic. It wasn't all magic, but at the same time in 1921, guess what province was created in the UK?

Northern Ireland. Okay. Is that good? That's good, right? Yeah. I think it's kind of cool. Galway. And what happened in 2021?

In 2021, cases of the irreparable respiratory disease, COVID-19, reached 100 million worldwide. Why did you frown and scratch your mustache? You were like, 2021, lots of respiratory issues. You don't see provinces being created

in Western states anymore. I mean, we haven't gotten DC statehood. Puerto Rico doesn't get to vote. Yeah, let me talk about that for a second. I don't really want to. I'm going to say something wrong. But you are a proud Puerto Rican. I'm a proud puerto rican i love the country yeah uh everybody should visit it it's fucking gorgeous i love the rainforest i love the people i love the food and

that's all i'm gonna say because if i say anything wrong my brother will call me and kill me uh in 1921 and amir i'd love your thoughts on this specifically coco chanel was launched i don't yeah like i said i'm not that old i don't know like i wasn't around then if that's what you're wondering that's what i was you you went to a ball with coco though yeah yes i went we went it was a debut together it was a cotillion so we met up after the ball with me and coco and a few other friends but i wasn't like a sentient out and about 25 year old at the time. Right. You're how old were you? But it's still, it's like Coco's in 21,

1921. I was 14. That's very old. You debuted at 14. In 1920. Right. On a black Monday. And then,

yeah, I ended up debuting. And the season. Yeah. The spring, the summer season. The cotillion was March of 21 I want to say

yeah 1921 yeah it was Coco Chanel launched you debuted 14 years old and in 2021 over 130 wildfires filled by lightning strikes burned through Western Canada following a record breaking heat wave in North America that resulted in over 600

mortalities right I don't know yeah i mean that's awful what are the comparisons you're just cherry picking devastating things happening now and fine things happened in 1921 here's the question how did it start was the gender reveal i created a fucking online persona and i wanted to reveal the gender and so i threw this little 20 picnic in 2021 we see we figured it out it's a girl oh no a fire people say c in 1921 i feel like that's pre-c i don don't know. I don't know, bro. Pre-see? Pre-see? People weren't seeing back then because they didn't have LASIK yet. Oh, that's good. Got him. Whoa, fire.

You just lit a fire in front of your Zoom. And I would like to light a fire under all of your guys' asses for these last three. Alright, in 1921. Owie, crispy. Ow. Fuck. I owe him another thousand I am getting paid this was a

thing I got for a voiceover job and that's gonna hit my bank account hopefully during this record but it's all going to Marcos how much is it for? can I see the number? no you divulged so much information you just said you were gonna fucking

overdraft so I know you have less than a thousand dollars he only gets paid in increments of 69 cents oh holy shit that's really nice that's a 35,000 dollar check ladies and gentlemen that's not how much it was I'm not even capping

White Castle debuted in Wichita, Kansas 1921 right? I mean we wouldn't have the movie without it so I'll say that was a good thing White Castle debuted in Wichita, Kansas, 1921. Right? I mean, we wouldn't have the movie without it, so I'll say that was a good thing. I mean, you were in Harold and Kumar. So you were in Harold and Kumar's film career. Yeah.

Then he dabbed. That sucks. And in 2021, the Taliban captured Kabul. I mean, yeah. Well, here's the question. Kabul, but yeah, you said Kabul. It's Kabul. Do you think they still would have made

a Harold and Kumar Journey to White Castle if White Castle didn't exist? Would they have just chosen a different fast food brand? I think it would have been Rowdy's. Good question. Yeah. Yeah, they would have because it was a stoner movie. They were going to a stoner restaurant.

Sure. So, yeah. It would have been something. Yeah. It would have been something different. Yeah. But I think the butterfly effect would have made it so that like one of the creators was a frog by then a fraud or a frog i would say john herwitz no relation to jake right

otherwise it would have been cast it would have been a it would have been a frog if white castle didn't exist yeah prove me wrong that was easy in 1921 carol channing was born i'm sorry but carol channing was fucking born who i don't know who that is actor comedian okay yeah good that's good that's great yeah and then something really bad happened in 2021 here we go here we go there's no way anything bad happened this year. Are we not going into? I thought there was a comparison. What happened? I am going dancing tonight because I have that hybrid immunity.

Oh god, it's really early. You might still be shedding the virus even though you test negative. So maybe tread lightly. You don't have to go out the second you get one negative PCR test. You're't have to go out the second you get one negative PCR test. You're going to be go out dancing

just fucking getting everybody infected. What's that? But it doesn't matter because you're already feeling a little bit better. He can hear you. He's pretending like

he can't hear you. I cannot hear anything you just said. That music was so fucking loud. Who's that for? All of us? Again, we tell this, I say this on the show a lot but when people hear it

this episode it will be mixed down so we have to go through that and then no one else hears it that way disgusting I guess plugs I don't know what else to say I mean do you guys have anything else to say that you want to kind of air out I have a butt plug instead of a plug.

I have a butt stopper. Wait, question. Are you actually going to go dancing tonight? I was going to, but your guys' reaction made it seem like I shouldn't. Yeah. Because when did you test positive for COVID? 19? Eight days ago?

11 days ago. No, I'm out of my 10-day quarantine, and I tested negative on a PCR. I don't know. I think you should wait six months, bro. I think you kind of ease out of the 10-day quarantine. Yeah, like maybe have an outdoor dining experience first. A small re-entry to society. A full-body high, yeah, an outdoor science.

Yeah, no, you're talking about sweating, yelling, dancing, singing, and stuff. You want me to take a six-month hiatus? Do you want me to take a sabbatical? Six months, bro. Marcos has his hands behind his head, like leading back

and saying six. I'm sorry, man. This is just how it is. Six months. I say six months and you need to go to one of those science classrooms

and get one of those little showers in there. What do you mean one of those? Like an eye shower? An eye shower? It's the eye bath. Yeah, but for your

whole fucking body. My eye's already wet. Also, I got, yeah. You got to pressure wash that mouth of yours you got covid just sitting in it that was easy that was easy uh we didn't talk about this at all you guys shot some jake and amir's today the show's back that's correct uh jd is back baby yeah what was that what were these episodes about do you want to share or no um we don't want to spoil

too much but i'll bleep it out yeah there might be a a scroll involved oh nice about very good there might be some costumes involved interesting um and then one is just a live cam of jake doing jerk off encouragement but that's for patreon only yeah but that could theoretically go on it could go on youtube because i don't it's more of like a fin dom uh joi type thing jake sort of put on a leash and walked around williamsburg looking at trash for an hour and a half amir became my puppy quiet boy that was easy that was easy. That was easy. Constantly reinvent yourself. Right? Jake and Amir are a perfect example of that.

They're always pushing the envelope with new creative projects. Things they've never done before. Not really, it's the same old creative project. A minute ago you said plugs. You were like, plugs. It was the end of the show. Then you fucking asked us how shooting went then you gave a major killer

yeah i guess you could do plugs i just feel like we didn't i feel like amir didn't get a word in edgewise because he's tired from the shoot he's cranky i'm hangry i'm hanky it's hangry and we actually did skip actually did skip lunch. We skipped lunch. Yeah. Slept little, no food. Into a HeadGum podcast. You can go back and still do lunch. Yeah, you can have a you can go back and get it. It's too late. It's fucking 5pm here.

We have to move straight to dinner. Yeah, but if you say it's lunch, you got lunch. You can get lunch for dinner. People do breakfast for dinner. No one does. Sorry, let me fucking finish. Lunch. Right? Oh, fuck. Holy shit. I was agreeing with you. I was i was like yes and you could have kept on going complex now that you bought a house you derailed yourself more than my comment did you were like you could get lunch and i said maybe i will and then you were like you it would have gone imperfect with

you saying some people do breakfast for dinner or whatever like it really would have all fit it would have worked and then you you suck man like you you really stink you're a stinker yeah oh someone say stinker that's my word of the day i don't have a fucking soundboard all right he gave you one i got no sympathy for this covid thing man i mean i think the only good part of having it is the hybrid immunity, which I have, and then sympathy. And, you know, there's been, Rolling Stone said no sympathy for the devil. Did you just learn what hybrid immunity was? Yes.

I feel like you really like saying it. I really love having it. I'm a hybrid now. Wait, so hybrid immunity is having the antibodies and the vaccine yeah I have it too yeah good man

couple of mutants over here I don't think he can say that on air I can call you a mutant mutant you saying that if I hadn't had the virus would have been the funniest most niche rib ever why are you

are you mutated did you oh have you guys heard Donda we should have done a listening party is that what brought up mutations brought up Donda you're still recording you're still hosting the show did you guys hear Donda

you're acting like we're making small talk at the beginning of the episode before we started rolling yet I think it's because we're doing plugs and he wanted to plug Donda even though he has no relation to it this is what you should have done when we were meeting Marcos by the way this could have been done like during introductions

instead you started the episode fucking introduced him and not us to each other. Did that midway through. This is horseshit to me. Because you know what else? This episode's going to come out. People are going to like rib me for like hosting it wrong.

You guys were 15 minutes late because you moved the studio. We have a studio in New York. Why'd you have to do it at Jake's house? It was a pretty inconvenient day. Yeah. No, Jill needed the car. Jill needed the car so she could drive to set. Amir needed to check out of a hotel, so I had to pick him up. Hoxton? Where you're at the Hoxton? Hoxton. Yeah.

He's at the Hoxton. I had to get him, bring him back to mine with the stuff, but I didn't want to go back to the office because we wouldn't be able to make it in time. I could have rode my bike, but Blumenfeld doesn't know how to ride a bike. So, bike-less, car-less, we had to fucking hook the mics up into my empty, tall-ass room up here.

We're sitting on a plastic table, sharing a headset. I wanted to do no headset. And you're like, no, you guys both have to plug into AirPods. So then we get the AirPods. It doesn't hook up to my computer. So then we have to get Jake's computer. Bro, you got to figure out bikes, man. Jeffrey, you get no blame for the AirPod thing.

Like that was fine. You made it seem like that was too much. Yeah, but it was. Ultimately, not using headphones would have been a fucking. A gut punch. That would have been rude. That would have been a gut punch. I don't know.

I think that we're at this point in this show's career. we got to make a fucking piffed because this isn't working week to week for me anymore doing getting on follow my instagram at jake herwitz uh oh we're making tiktok content yeah tiktok yeah you said just you had said plugs you can anybody can post a video to tiktok it's like you have to to be a genius at it for it to go viral. Yeah. Well, we have a viral TikTok right now. It has, what, 5,000? 56,000 plays.

Yeah. Wow. That's pretty solid. That's pretty solid. That's not enough. I have yet to leak into TikTok. I love watching it. I have yet to start making comments.

You would kill TikTok, I feel like. Oh, God, no. Maybe. I need to get back into my character stuff. It's actually to start making comments. You would kill TikTok, I feel like. Oh, God, no. Maybe. I need to, like, get back into my character stuff. It's actually so funny, dude. The last show ever at UCB Sunset was the show I was in. It's so sad, dude.

We were there. It was like, we just got on this team. We were like, oh, we're putting up our first show. And then they took our temperatures that day and we were like, something's weird, guys. And then, like, that night, they closed down UCB Sunset and never opened again. Was that Characters Welcome or a different show? No, Characters Welcome was the year before it. It was just were like, something's weird, guys. And then like that night, they closed down UCB Sunset, never opened again. Was that Characters Welcome or a different show? No, Characters Welcome was the year before. It was just

like a random mod show. It was just like, oh, like, they were like we're closed and we'll come back and then they never came back. It was so sad. That's like the Grateful Dead closing Winterland. No, it's not. Sure. Sorry, is this still happening

or is that that? At a certain point, Jake and I just started talking to each other. What do you have to plug to? I have no plugs. You can follow me on Instagram, MarcosGinGonzalez. I post once a month and it's like 10 photos in a slideshow format

of the stuff I did that month. I think that's a fun way to do Instagram. That's something Jake would do. It's so much easier. I don't have to. Although I am. Well, I'm making a TikTok telenovela. I'm in the process of it.

It's like 30 pages. It's 30 episodes long. We're in the process of filming it. That'll be fun. It makes no sense. Watch Saved by the Bell Season 2. That'll be tight. Comes out sometime soon.

And Swan Boy on FX. That'll be tight. Comes out sometime soon. And Swan Boy on FX. That'll be tight. Did you write for Swan Boy? No, I voiced a bunch of characters for it. Oh, that's amazing. It's coming out, I think, next month. And I think that's it. So how much money do you make a year these days?

Oh my God. I showed the check. $2. I do it for exposure. That's cool. I don't know, man. Your CEO takes a dollar. Yeah. No, it's amazing. I don't know. Money's fine.

You're one of those guys that I'm like every time I see that you've achieved any kind of success I'm like, that's somebody who deserves it. Versus Amir. He bought a house in 2016 and I'm like, how did he get a home? Because all he did was these silly little skits. How did that pervert get a house?

End this episode. End it. Leave me alone. Let me go. Then do your fucking plug. What do you have to show for anything? I said the fucking TikTok. I said Jake and Amir on TikTok.

You said great. Then you moved on. You just plugged his house for him. Other people did plugs. We're done. And then you started asking Marcos about money. How much money he had you want me to plug my paychecks

uh Jake Patreon what do you have to plug I fucking said plugs too man we all said plugs bro Rodney's closet on Instagram I really need to free up some cash cause my credit score dipped by 100 points and that's not a joke what the fuck did you do

a collections agency thinks that they I owe them money for spectrum I don't owe spectrum a dime so I have to fucking get that expunged and they're fucking so we have to buy your clothes because you fucked up with spectrum I didn't do anything also spectrum and Amir I want you to be present

for this so get off the fucking phone man spectrum you're actually torching him he hasn't eaten lunch you won't let him fucking leave and i have to listen to literally the most boring story identity theft not even identity theft just fucking a low credit score i don't care for you. Open and close accounts every time you move. So what? So what? I feel I'm,

this is rude. I like, so Marcus, like usually we just will like, we leave on Jeff. So this is not us leaving on you. It was awesome to meet you. Yeah,

you were great. This was really nice to meet you guys too. Yeah. We wish you the best. It sounds like you're doing a lot of cool stuff. Congratulations. You're the man. And thank you for doing the show. Thank you.

Oh, but also we're sorry. And sorry. Yeah. Sorry that you know, Jeff. And now Jeff, you can keep on going.

And at some point we might leave, but it's not a reflection on, on anything besides Jeff. It's not a Marcos thing. It's a Jeff thing. I wish you said we might leave and, and just right there. We might leave.

Done. No, it's so nice to meet you guys. I hope you get your lunch and your gas. I hope you get it all. Yeah, I think we will. At least a lunch or dinner at this point. Ferris, the last eight minutes are unusable. Let's cut it off after Jake's first plug.

All right. Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys, for listening to this episode of the HeadGum Podcast. You're not even going to keep that in? As always, you can follow me on Instagram at Jeffrey James, on Twitter at JeffBoyRD. And until next week. It's JeffBoyRD. That's my Twitter again.

And we'll see you guys again next week. That's dogs, folks. That was a Hiddem Original.