The Headgum Podcast - 68: The Trader Joes Snacks Dinner-Steaks-Dal Croissantlet Tourna-Mint Chip Ice Cream of Hangry Victors

Episode Date: September 17, 2021

Fellow Headgum podcaster Billy Bryk joins Amir, Faris, and Geoff to discuss ill airplane passengers, Xanax, and the best snacks from Trader Joe's.  BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Join the Headgum Discord. Check out our sponsor MyBookieSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. What was that? That's the only one we use going forward forever. We went to Mexico City for Marty's like 34th birthday maybe. Right. Didn't you get food poisoning? like 34th birthday, maybe. Right. And. Didn't you get food poisoning?

Yeah, I got food poisoning. And. Awesome. Also, I think we went to like McDonald's or Burger King at least once. Marty. There was, I think like on Marty's actual birthday, he got a tattoo. Me and Amir were not allowed to go there. So we just walked to a Starbucks. And then the day before that, we he got a tattoo. Me and Amir were not allowed to go there. So we just walked to a Starbucks.

And then the day before that, we went to a mall. So I think I need to go back to Mexico City. I didn't think so. Yeah, it does not sound like the- You ran errands. I'm confused. Oh, wait. Oh wait, you can't hear the audio at all. Yeah. I have to start the whole thing over. Was that like the Macarena?

The Macarena is my guess for what was happening there. This is so stupid. Can you hear me? Yeah. Yep. Oh yes, I see. This makes more sense. Austin Powers, in a way.

Or as I like to call him, Awesome Powers. We've got a great show for you guys today. We've got a great show for you guys today. Amir Blumenfeld on the sacks. Billy Brick on the facts. And I want to say Michael York bringing up the rear. Yep. How you doing?

I mean, Ferris. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't Austin Powers come out before you were born? Let's see. I don't even know what year it came out. I think it was 97.

Was it 97? That was the year I was born yeah the summer of 97 so you weren't born yet so i was not born yet correct yeah made a lot of money that movie it's kind of interesting yeah you were zero so you don't know about the boffo of fucking austin powers you don't have to worry about how much money it made you know you were a fetus it didn't make a lot of money actually it was like didn't do very well at the box office but it was it was because of like vhs sales and rentals that it really took off. No, that's what I'm saying.

That's not what you were saying. We got Billy Brick. Yeah, on the facts. You said on the facts, right? Yeah, little did you know. I'm actually going as Austin Powers for Halloween, maybe. So that's why I had to learn how it made its money just so I sort of

just in case somebody asked you yeah I haven't seen the movie but I just figured if somebody asked me if I'd seen it I'd be like oh would I know

that it made most of its money in VHS sales if I hadn't seen it and then it just sort of saves me the time of watching the movie yeah but yeah if it's good

you really should watch them I was gonna throw a big Halloween party but I got offered a... You got COVID, you mean. You got COVID two weeks ago, so you're not throwing a big Halloween party. And that was kind of a full-time job, yeah.

This is not the energy I wanted to be met with. I thought that there would be... Been very consistent for over a year. No, I know. That's what I'm saying. Maybe this episode's different. Maybe we all kind of have a good time.

Everybody here. Everybody here. Let's get it to it. Get started. Right? Now the energy's gonna change. Let's get it started. Let's get it started.

Get it in. Ah! Turn down the gain on your mic a little bit, I think. You should have done intros during that song. Like, that would have gotten us pumped. That would have gotten me pumped. Now we're ready for liftoff. Awful. I'm giving you a fucking note to make this show better,

and you're cutting me off and making it worse at the same time. I'm saying if you did the intros during that song I feel like people would be like into it like so like let's get it started. Yeah Ferris is here. Yeah put your hands together. That would have hyped me yeah. Why is it an eagle

by the way? We never questioned that and you sort of flew with it I guess. It's like an eagle, but it has nothing to do with the word of the week. It's just the noise of a fucking bird soaring. I think it's kind of just the idea of a hawk hitting that bullseye, picking up that innocent

rabbit and taking it off to eat it. It's like, you got it. Bird is the word as well. Would work too, right? Or not. does that work too well that you can't we lost connection you're at your bank says your Venmo that's fine you shouldn't be Venmoing people thousands of

dollars a week and then just returning it they must be so confused what the hell is going on like this one account is constantly sending money and then getting it back within a day or two correct correct that's absolutely correct the word of the week was Ferris. And that was something that I actually decided was going to be the word of the week.

You said it. You said it. Then someone give me cash. Nobody ever fucking sends me money. Billy, where are you coming at us from? New York or Toronto? I'm in my parents' basement in Toronto. All right.

Pretty awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I got LASIK you guys haven't asked me anything about it my eyes look crazy right now they look juicy and I'm sorry that's the word oh but they're oh god it's like there's bruising and hemorrhaging

underneath the cornea you also had acupuncture done too which is the bad call. Well, it's anti-inflammatory because I was prepared for the surgery to kind of make the eyes inflamed. Let's see. How does it feel? What's the coolest sensation of it? Like, is it seeing yourself in the shower?

Is it seeing yourself in the morning? Is it like seeing a movie or TV without putting anything in? It's got to be waking up and being able to see like that. It's unbelievable. I haven't had that sensation, I think, since I was like five. So that's new. Physical activity is better because I don't have to wear my glasses. You shouldn't be doing physical activity.

You only got LASIK three days ago. And again, you might still be shutting the virus. Like, take it easy a little bit. Really? You're throwing parties. You're working out. You're getting surgery. Like, all this stuff is kind of a no-no.

Did you go dancing last week? You mentioned dancing. On Saturday, yeah. On Saturday? Yeah. Yeah. A Saturday night fever of sorts. Saturday night COVID. that's that shit that's the billy rick guarantee when you have this fucker

on the show you're gonna get lines like that it's gonna make the out of context head gum twitter account i mean this is absolute horseshit oh I love the laugh, the polite clapping every time someone says something funny. So Jeff, do you just not need glasses anymore? Yeah, no more glasses. Actually, Billy, could I interest you in some vintage frames, brother?

No, I don't need glasses. You can still wear frames. Yeah, you could wear the frames. I feel like you may have looked better with glasses. I don't need glasses. But that's actually a shame. You can still wear friends. Yeah, you could wear the friends. I feel like you may have looked better with glasses. I wish you would have asked me or consulted me before the LASIK. Because I think that sort of distinguished you. I don't know. The glasses.

And now I'm not distinguished? No. No. Really? No. No, yeah. I have a ton of broken blood vessels. I Instagrammed a photo of my eyes.

It's basically just like people sneeze too hard and this happens people get in um physical altercations uh and alterations and uh this kind of happens so basically your tailor kind of makes your pants that much too tapered and then you kind of get so angry at him and you're like horatio and then you kind of burst the blood vessel did you do you want to talk about that do you want to talk about what happened with horatio i And then you kind of burst a blood vessel. Do you want to talk about that? Do you want to talk about what happened with Horatio? Do you guys think Horatio will get ratioed? If I tweet about his ass?

Because he's sort of my cleaner, my tailor, really. Yeah. Tinker, tailor, soldier. I guess doctor. Tinker, tailor, soldier, I. That's really good. That's that Billy Brick shit. Even him just being on the Zoom. That was easy.

That's my new favorite sound. That's the king right now. Yeah. I like when you, was it Finn? You called him and he didn't pick up and you said that was easy. You failed. It wasn't easy. Yeah, I phoned to Finn on the Ben Marshall episode.

He didn't pick up, and then you played that. That was easy. Saying that was easy after a failure is very funny. Billy, you're moving to L.A. in five days. When this episode comes out, you'll be here. I'll be there, yeah, which is a shame because I feel like I could have plugged. I'm selling some furniture and shit.

I would have liked to have maybe gotten that out. I'm here now. It's going to be too late for me to do it. But yeah, I'll be in LA in like five days, like you just said. I was supposed to hang out with Jeff the night he got COVID. That's true. Yeah. He saved your life by taking that test.

Yeah, yeah. And your wallet because you were leaving the next day. So you would have had to because you were leaving the next day so you would have had to stay oh yeah it would be a nightmare it would have been an absolute nightmare if we hung out yeah well because of the money uh yeah yeah or yeah just sort of in general i meant busy time for me bad time for us to hang out i was on a cross-country flight six days ago with a man who was displaying every single COVID symptom loudly and borderline proudly, like in my row, right next to me, coughing, trying to suppress coughing, failing at that, sweating, rocking, sort of restless leg syndrome. And then he like power walked off the plane seemingly, like he was in some sort of rush to get somewhere. Is restless leg syndrome a symptom of COVID?

some sort of rush to get somewhere is restless leg syndrome a symptom of covid is that he just seemed very ill at ease with the entire process and i felt bad kind of calling him out on it yeah you called him out on it i did not but i wanted to be like so you're obviously sick right like i don't want him to i didn't want to engage with him how was the energy on the plane with that guy so like nervous so no one calls him out, right? Nobody calls him out. But every time he coughs, like my girlfriend squeezes my elbow, like, holy shit. Like with the sort of dramatic energy of, I think this guy has a knife or something like that. But instead he was just sort of. But for six hours.

So it felt dangerous. And I've been sort of just counting the days until I would have manifested the symptoms myself. And so far I'm in the clear. Okay, good. Yeah. Cause that's no good. I mean, that's like a guy with a knife who stabs you and then you go to Jake in New York, pull out the knife, stab Jake with it. Yeah, exactly. It's a contagious knife. What was your bad flying experience, William? After I went to LA and then basically they just canceled my flight as I was at the airport.

Didn't give me a chance to rebook it, so I had to go back the next day. But on the way back into Canada, we landed and they told us that they're going to deplane 50 people at a time in 20 minute intervals. And there was 400 of us on the plane, so we had to wait for like up to 3 hours

to get off of the plane after already landing oh Jesus because customs was too packed and then I went to customs and it was literally like shoulder to shoulder everybody was just like inching along and I'm not even kidding there was two gigantic piles of shit on the ground like smeared into the

carpet and nobody would clean it up so for about an hour they just had like pylons around these two piles of shit as everybody like walked around the shit and nobody was cleaning it because I guess nobody at the airport wanted to clean it. I guess if you really have to take a shit

and you're in line. Yeah. Fuck it. What are you supposed to do? You gotta just shit on the floor, I guess. Three hour shrouding. You gotta know so many people floor, I guess. Three hours of crowding. You gotta know so many people on that plane. Sorry, what was that, Jeff? I couldn't hear that. That's pretty good. To me, the worst part, it was one of those

serpentine lines, so I kept having to go past the shit again and every time I'd kind of get far enough away that I couldn't smell it, the line would turn back the other way and we'd head back into the shit, which I think is where that came from. Yeah. It was the lines, the shit on the floor on the way to get on the plane to go to Vietnam.

I think that is it, yeah. I was going to say, did you know that your flight was canceled because it said something offensive on a podcast four years ago? canceled because it said something offensive on a podcast four years ago major killer make sure that you like think a joke's gonna hit before you let it I thought that was fine

it's just it's funny if not for the people in here I think people listening at home would get it yeah yeah basically like you're getting canceled like a flight getting canceled like it's like a celebrity getting canceled it's kind of skewering the left a little bit which i think is important to do i mean we're not none of us are infallible obviously we can all think our side is 100 right and they're 100 wrong but there's little pockets of you know things that we can disagree with i

don't have to vote down the line you know it's just there's gonna be things or issues that come up yeah vote down the line voting sure culture wise maybe you could have differing opinions skew yeah like like who'd you vote for in the recall for your elder yeah but you voted no you voted for no elders yeah yeah don't listen to the elders no old people I'm fucking out of like you guys talk about some shit I don't know man I'm we've been talking for 11 minutes you haven't launched us into any game bit story segment plan and now you're just like I have segments we just don't get

to it till the 20 minute mark that's how this fucking show works, man. We wax until 20. Jeff, have you been to Pinocchio's in Burbank? Thank you for asking me a question about myself. No, I have not. It's kind of the spot. We were talking about your broken blood vessels in your eyes for three minutes. Well, I guess I do want to ask you guys this because, again, three out of the four of us have gotten LASIK.

Ferris and Amir, did you guys have broken blood vessels or no i don't remember that no i'm crying some bleeding around the eye i don't know about his broken blood vessels or just you know yeah well the hemorrhaging bleeding from the slicing yeah yeah um mine's from the suction did they do the suction for you guys where they suck your eye to make it flat to make the flap uh yeah yeah i bet i guess it was because because amir you you did yours even more recently than i did i think and a couple years ago yeah yeah so there's a whole it must have been the the newer method yeah this guy has all the new technology he did efron he did uh he actually did both ephraims he did nora and he did zach but seriously like because like i buy that i don't think he did Nora Ephron but he did Zach Ephron's eyes

and the new technology is to suction your eyes it feels like that would be the old technology it sucks your eyes he's the Dyson Dyson because they put you under like a gargantuan machine right it's like a

UFO hovering over you it's a sci-fi movie and you can't see so basic i mean like you guys all you guys did this but basically did you take the anxiety drugs they offered me like uh yeah yeah they offered that to me did you take it i took it did you not take it yeah i said i don't need it i'm not like you know a wimp about this kind of stuff like shoot me straight doc if it's not gonna hurt or even if it does i'll fucking bite the bullet and he was like that's really cool it's brave of you not to take the the xanax which is kind of like what we give cowardly children every time they bang their knee um and it ultimately makes it harder to you know keep your eyes open and do the surgery and then

afterwards you just have a described medical malpractice. They were giving Xanax to kids for bumping their knee. I was, yeah, I was just not specifically that, but like... Yeah, the doctor was saying those who do take the Xanax bars are wimps and are as if they are little children. Yeah. Yes, exactly. I just kind of wanted to like do a drug in a medical space.

That's cool. I hated it. I think Xanax is... I don't understand how to like do a drug in a medical space that's cool I don't understand how people can do that recreationally it sucked to be how did you feel what did you feel like when you were on it awful well it also the shipment of Xanax came in late so they gave it to me seconds before I laid down

so it didn't kick in until the drive home yeah and then but it's just like I felt heavy you drove home? no my friend AJ picked me up but like Xanax would blind now it's starting to hit me it felt really intense

and extremely disorienting and dark and heavy and I hated it bars dude I'm kidding I fucking loved that shit I got like a fucking hook up if you guys want to come over what's that you can get zanned out at my place

did you say bars yeah bars what does that mean we have two more minutes to fill let's fucking move on Ferris what's new in the life and times are you dating anybody let me rephrase that when was the last time you were in another? Moving on.

You obviously can't ask and he obviously can't answer. Such private personal data. If you don't say the person's name, then it's not private. I feel entitled to knowing this. Talk about this stuff offline, but even then, it makes us all really uncomfortable. Billy?

No, obviously not going to answer that. Obviously not going to answer that. Okay. All right. Everybody knows who you're with, so let's just say when the last time you were in them was is this I get I don't understand why it got so strange let's go back to when we were having fun

yes yeah let's do that let's go back to when we were having fun and you don't understand why it got strange? I know exactly when it shifted I think I can probably pinpoint it as well yeah Marc Gasol traded back to the Grizzlies this just ends this fucking trending this will be really important next Friday

yeah Lakers got the draft rights to Wang Zalen who it was a salary saving deal and Gasol is gonna get waived and gets to live in Spain again

yeah this isn't a basketball issue so don't try to spin it right that's what they always say again. This isn't a basketball issue. This is bigger than basketball. That's what they always say. He's more than an athlete. I will miss Marc Gasol though. Marc Gasol, Raptors legend, chugged an entire bottle of wine at our championship parade.

That's cool. I guess other things contributed to winning or whatever. But the wine was pretty sick. That's pretty baller. We'll be right back. Oh my God. Yeah. Guys taking care of your health isn't always easy, right?

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glass of water. I'll have my AG1 and, I'll have my AG1, and then I'll have my coffee. And it gets me set off to take on the day and to be centered and to feel like I did at least one good thing for my health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. That's why we've partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. And we're plaque loser dental humor now yeah Jeff's trademark biting humor

yeah okay now we're getting somewhere Jeff didn't brush his teeth for a week for that joke well you're not supposed to brush your teeth with lasik for like a week that's not true okay that's true unrelated unrelated for sure yep here we go let's just get into this Welcome to the Trader Joe's snack, dinner steaks doll, croissant-lent, turnip mint chip ice cream of hangry victors. So Jeff texted me like 26 minutes before this podcast saying, have you ever been to Trader Joe's?

I got that too. And I was worried. Yeah, I was worried about what that was going to mean. Yeah, I said rarely do you guys understand what this is? I guess you went forward with it it seems like do you have your own website bookmarked?

yeah because you have to update it sometimes and see what's going on just in case you forget the domain just in case I forget the domain and the domain is jeffreyjames.com was taken.com which i think is kind of nice that is good i kind of hate that i set you up for that have you guys ever participated in the trader joe snack dinner steaks doll croissant lit tournament chip ice cream of hangry victors no no and you guys can have fun with this shit all right this is like i put a lot of work into this one and you guys aren't smiling i'm smiling amir's checking his goddamn email um basically this is uh

so you've all i did check with you guys you guys have all been to trader joe's so i picked some of the best snacks from trader joe's because they're known for their snack foods. What is dal? Dal? That's like an Italian. That's like an Indian curry. Cool. It's got like that yellow one with lentils in it. Correct. It's really good when you're sick.

Alright, so this is basically the Trader Joe's snack dinner steaks dal croissant tournament chip ice cream of Angry Victorors tourney gauntlet. So we're pitting snacks head to head. These are randomly seeded, and we're going to come up with the champion Trader Joe's snack. Does that make sense?

Yeah. All right. First up, crisp bread, Norwegian crisp bread versus contemplates inner peas. Contemplates inner peas. Okay, well it's not just you don't just get to decide. Oh, so we just all vote.

That was my vote. We need a picture. It's hard to imagine what these things look like. The name, I'm leaning towards what Billy's saying just based on the name. Really? I'm leaning towards the bread.

All right, so this is crisp bread, Norwegian crisp bread. Oh, yeah, that looks awful. That looks like the driest, stalest cracker. Imagine the worst cracker ever, and it's this. That looks like somebody freeze-dried sand and made it into a wafer. It's a sandy bread loaf. All right, so contemplate inner peas is unanimous?

Yeah. If that's like those little crispy peas, yeah, that's good. I also didn't get the joke with the crisp bread one either. There's no joke. These are real. We should say these are all real snacks that are available for sale. No, but I get the inner peas thing. Like, I get that.

I'm just saying, like, I get the crisp bread. It's crisp bread, Norwegian crisp bread. Yeah, I don't know. Greek style yogurt dip with corn versus ketchup flavored spud crunchies. No way. Those are real.

Ketchup flavored spud crunchies? Look that up. That's like something we would make up for a video. Greek yogurt with corn? Yeah, correct. That sounds awful. Yeah would make up for a video. Greek yogurt with corn? Yeah, correct. That sounds awful. Yeah, that one is just like no way. Why?

Greek style yogurt dip with corn. Everything in the elote. Are there like little corn chunks in it? Oh, I see. I do like elote. Me too, but this doesn't... Ketchup? Versus ketchup flavored spud crunchies.

Oh, well, it looks... Those look considerably better. It looks good. It doesn't... Ketchup? Versus ketchup-flavored spud crunchies. Oh, well, it looks... Those look considerably better. Yeah, it's like fries. But I will say that Greek yogurt and corn are two of my favorite... Not my favorite foods, but they're definitely... No, separately, but I'm saying sometimes you don't... Like, my dad was eating an onion and cheese sandwich today.

Yeah. And he's convinced that it's, like, a delicious sandwich. I don't know if anybody's ever had that. How did he prepare the onion? He doesn't. It's raw onion and cheese. Oof. Yeah. And he's convinced that it's like a delicious sandwich. I don't know if anybody's ever had that. How did he prepare the onion? He doesn't. It's raw onion and cheese. Wow. Jesus.

Diced or like a, a disc. He puts a full onion in between two slices of American cheese. It's two top buns surrounding a full onion. Unpeeled cheese and unpeeled onions. Yeah. I got to say, that still sounds more appetizing than Greek-style yogurt dip with corn.

Okay, so which one is it? Give it to the potato chips, I guess. I think we got to go with the spud. Give me those spud crunchies. The KFSCs. Ketchup-flavored spud crunchies continue on. Here we go. Apple pie-flavored cheddar versus popcorn in a pickle.

What? No way. Is this popcorn that you need in case you're in like a tough situation? Like a small little reserve of popcorn or is it inside of a pickle? Or is it both? A small pickle shaped. The pun is that the popcorn's in a bind, but it's actually just pickle favored popcorn. So this is apple pie flavored cheddar cheese.

How can that be what is that in a pickle it's cheese it's a cheese block with apple in it i think see that's that's like a weird that's like a weird bastardization of putting like cheddar cheese sprinkles on your apple pie to me this feels like this feels wrong to me pickle flavored green popcorn both these sound really good to me actually is it green too? you never put pickle flavoring on popcorn in the movies? never

I used to do that when I was a kid both these actually sound very good to me you can choose because they both sound awful to me I lean towards the pickle popcorn Sophie's choice the cheddar sounds like garbage that's true I think popcorn is probably the safer bet than just cheddar if you've got a snack on something think popcorn is probably the safer bet than just

cheddar if you got a snack on something all right popcorn and a pickle moves on here we go many things snack mix versus this pumpkin walks into a bar cereal bars oh this pumpkin walks into a bar that's like a pumpkin walks into a bar yeah So this pumpkin walks into a bar. So the many things snack mix is basically just like trail mix. It looks like cheesy Chex Mix. Why is the A and the N a different color than the M and the Y on the packaging?

Because it stands for anomaly. Okay. Not really. And then here we go. This pumpkin walks into an orange fig newton twice the size and thrice the dries the name puts it as a at a disadvantage for me to me they look kind of good i'm not voting i guess they look good the name makes me feel negatively towards it. Like, I like a good pun, but this one is really,

this is kind of not good. It's barely a pun. It's not really anything. We should say, if you're just tuning in, this is the Trader Joe's snack dinner steaks doll croissant-less tournament chip ice cream of hangry victors. Who's just tuning in?

What's that? Who fast forwarded to minute 29 of a podcast we're not live if it was called what if it was called like the great pumpkin charlie bar let's go that's worse better many things yeah yeah for sure snack mix snack mix will be at least boring the pumpkin one might be bad. Many things snack mix moves on. Here we go. Rosemary Svogliet Crunchers versus Crisp Crunchy Crisps.

What are you saying? Rosemary Svogliet? Is that fucking Norwegian? What is that word? Oh, I guess they're not crunchers they're crackers but still can we get a better look at the what's in this yeah is it like is there something inside hexagons hexagonal rosemary crunchies discs yeah and then those look like they were born stale crisp crunchy i feel like the dry factor is what is it yeah and then this is just kind of whatever this is man that's nothing that's a nothing snack yeah

they actually look like they are nothing they're so thin look at that picture that you have they're actually it's almost nothing they look like tortilla chip strips, but even they're thick and thin at the same time. Like if someone shaves down a tortilla chip. I mean, the fact that they ran out of words while they were naming this thing. Crisp, crunchy crisps. We got to get three words in there. Rosemary Spogliate Crackers, yeah. Let's go for the Spogliate just because you'll have to say it again.

Yeah. Spogliate just because you'll have to say it again. Yeah. Spogliat does feel good. All right. Rosemary Spogliat continues on. What did they call like Rosemary and Spogliat? But it's like they do it in a sort of Shakespearean twist. What about Rosemary's gravy? So it's like Rosemary's gravy but gravy themed.

We do have to move on, but that's funny, Amir. You don't have to say that. You don't have to say it like that. Full steam ahead, right? Allapur! Grilled chicken breast in a sealed container versus fried olive bites.

Oh my God. Let me just kick us off by saying when i was the healthiest i've been in my life i was pounding those grilled chicken breast strips yeah trader joe's that means you go to you go to the gym and you come back and you just fucking house a dry chicken breast and that was that it was so easy man. Tasty. Kind of high in sodium, but man, the convenience. Is it tasty? I thought it was for what it is. It's dry.

No, no, not even too dry. No, it's got some juice in it. When I was at the healthiest point in my life, I was just pounding these fried olive bites. So it's sort of an interesting parallel. Yeah. And then your cholesterol got too high. So how are you doing now, Billy? That's when you were doing your best, when you were eating the fried olive bites. How are things now?

It's mostly the pumpkin bar. Pumpkin bars. Oh, yeah, walking into a bar. I actually like olives, but those fried olive bites look bad to me. So if I like olives and they're bad, we got to go with grilled chicken breast. Yeah, just something new that I haven't tried. Like I've done the olives to death, so.

Yeah, you've never had a single grilled chicken breast. Nearly to death by the sound of it, yeah. All right, grilled chicken breast moves on. Okay, here we go. Salsa versus organic dark chocolate half-coated rice thins. It looks like you're just describing an M&M on the right. Like you're playing taboo and you can't say the word. I have a strong opinion here, but I'll wait to weigh in if we need a tiebreaker.

I'll let Ferris and Billy battle it out. These are the kind of varieties of Trader Joe's. Trader Jose's, yes, of course. Fucking salsa. I will say, after this shit we've all been through for the past few minutes, salsa is really refreshing to see.

Just give me some salsa. Yeah, but you haven't seen the rice thins. Enough with the names. No more pumpkins walking into bars. Crispy olive bites. Enough of that. I say salsa on this, but I want to see what Amir thinks.

The rice thins are half-coated. Did we mention that? That's worse than not coated. I don't know. That's like all or nothing, man. Make a decision. It's a little flip-floppy for me. The thing about the, and I think I'm going to lean towards salsa, but the thing about the

organic dark chocolate half-coated rice thins is I actually do like the packaging on there. But I think salsa is my vote. I would have gone with the rice thins. They actually look appetizing. Everything else hasn't. And I'm not a huge tomato guy. And salsa by itself can't stand.

It's a contentious round. Did I change either of your opinions? I don't know. The names were just exhausting me. Otherwise, yeah. You raise a good point that salsa, you just have to drink it. And that ain't it, man. So, yeah.

Let's go with the things. Let's go with the things. I'm not a huge tomato guy. I'm not a huge tomato guy. Nice. It doesn't mean anything. All right, here we go. Superfood pilaf versus spicy porkless plant-based snack rinds.

Everything, by the way, is porkless so far. Don't say it. Why are they specifying that here? Like the thins are also porkless. The chips, the crisps, the animal whisps. Porkless, many things snack mix. Yeah. Did you end up having the pilaf that I sent you? No, I was out of town.

You Postmates, I came back on Wednesday and on Monday morning or afternoon, Jeff sent me a Postmates of lobster and clam chowder from Sizzler, which is a chain in LA. It was on my stoop in the hot sun for two days straight. By the time I got there, it was covered in ants. I had just missed garbage day, trash day in my neighborhood. So for the next week, this lobster infested ant farm is just rotting away inside my garbage can outside jesus it's sort of

poetic prank you spent 45 you owe me like a real meal now for that i think you should postmates me like a nice thai dinner nothing weird no chowders no seafood just send me like pad just something yeah something porkless yeah like a porkless plant-based snack rind or two. Can I at least include like fucking Thai basil loose leaf from like the grocery part of Sticky Rice? No, nothing loose leaf. Nothing I can't use. Nothing you'll make me throw away.

You make me wasteful to be. I'm not going to vote because of that are you kidding me i'm throwing away my ballot for that lobster you did that let that be on your conscience slash and because i didn't i didn't know you would do that also it's poetic justice because you're sort of ants infesting this show you asked us to be on here not Not you three. I mean, Amir is multiple ants. All right. Super food pilaf versus spicy porkless plant-based snack rinds. I think I've tried this, the rinds.

Yeah. If we can pull up a picture. It was okay. Like, it tasted like pork rinds, kind of. It was a little bit of that Uncanny Valley thing, though. Yeah. And it was, like bit of that uncanny valley thing though yeah um and it was like only half full which was that's that's gonna ding it points for me those don't look terrible i'm kind of curious they were okay they were okay i'm rind curious for why did you choose this

weird segment for us none of us said we like trader joe's and you plowed forward it's not like one of us has a connection to it. We haven't even made it out the first round. The next rounds will be quicker because we're already... You're right. This is the superfood peel-off. Let's just fucking choose because we've got to get out of this first round. Snack runs.

The rinds are fines. They were fines. Alright. We're in the Elite 8 round round here we go contemplates inner peas versus ketchup flavored spud crunchies I still don't know what the fuck the peas actually are so my gut is

they're snap peas they're like chippy let's make a decision like the peas themselves snap I would go I wouldn't go spud crunch I do a crunchy dried peas yeah those are good okay so which one peas I say we're doing the peas all

right peas please let's just finish the bit before we start doing jokes all right popcorn and a pickle versus many things snack mix you want me to finish this fucking tournament before I make one more joke fine snack mix you want me to finish this fucking tournament before i make one more joke snack mix but you can like have fun with it not really because you sort of shot it down i was gonna say this this matchup has us in a pickle nice yeah but yeah you did say no more jokes

though so you should probably cool it without a mirror but i guess snack mix then no then let's just do let's do let's then I guess snack mix let's do a good mix of playing the game and doing bits no no Jeff we're going to take this pretty seriously right now it sucks I'm going to go for the many things snack mix because it's more it's actually pickle in a popcorn

it's not really popcorn in a pickle and that's not a joke by the way Jeff no I welcome the jokes and that's not a joke by the way jeff um so no i welcome the jokes i would go yeah no that was not one though i wouldn't make that that wouldn't be my joke what would the joke be let's just see because i think that people are going to start tuning out if we don't keep the funny there'll probably be there'll be time for jokes at the other end of this impression or something all right probably an impression of popcorn in a pickle yeah it's just the segment's already going longer than I hoped because I thought that we'd kind of rail through these

with funny bits and having fun. This is a lot of snacks, man. I mean, the name of the tournament takes some time to read out. Yeah. All right. Rosemary Sfogliette Crunchers versus grilled chicken breast in a sealed container. GCB.

My heart is with the chicken breast, yeah i'm here that doesn't matter they're already majority rules right organic i'll go spogliat it's all right nice that you got your vote in uh organic dark chocolate half coated rice thins versus spicy porkless plant-based snack you got to decide what kind of mood you're in. Like, one is good for pre-dinner, one is good for after dinner. Right now, I'm sort of in a sweet mood. Okay. But that's just because I'm a sweet dude.

So I'll let the other two guys decide. But my vote is for the thins. Well, what if I told you guys the rinds are extremely expensive? Really? How does that affect a decision? You said that like that was going to change Amir's vote. Yeah, maybe. He wants the expensive.

Yeah. He's treating company to a snack after dinner. Exactly. Post lobster, post ants. And he needs something that's going to be good. I'm going to go for the rice thins as well. All right, the rice thins take it holy shit we're down to the fucking final four

I spent like seven dollars contemplates inner peace versus many things snack mix the many things might just be a worse version of Chex Mix you know what I mean like yeah like a cheesy dryer Chex Mix yeah whereas I think it mean? Yeah, with like a cheesy dryer Chex Mix. Whereas, I think it's more

difficult to fuck up the peas. You think the peas are like full sugar snap peas? Like green moons? Or they're like individual spheres? That was a good question. It's gotta be like... They're these, but they're not actual

snap peas. I think they're like crunchers. I i like those but they get stuck in my teeth pretty easily yeah billy i gotta go with the peas still if that's my vote i go peas too peas it is three is for peas holy shit all right here we go grilled chicken breast in a container versus dark chocolate half coated rice thins like if you were a sad man this would be your dinner and dessert like you're watching a Netflix movie living by yourself housing the fucking

grilled chicken at 8 and then some rice thins at 8.45 it's 9.50 and you're like do I just go to bed now I don't have a hobby that carries me to bedtime give me the thins burn the wins dare I say

this is the real final because I think whatever takes this is going all the way I think this is sort of the unofficial final. Not to discount the peas, but... Oh my god, if it were up to me, it would be the chicken breast all day, but I just feel like speaking for the people...

No, but let's see what Ferris has to say. I mean the people that I represent for my vote. You can go chicken and then we would let ferris be the tiebreaker chicken chicken chicken chicken oh man i mean god that chicken breast is so the entire croissant lit almost rests in ferris's hands right now he's the banshee in the middle you guys this chicken breast it had it's full of memories can you phone a Finn? should I phone a Finn? Billy do you want to phone a Finn?

if I yeah and while we're trying to get Finn on the line I'll just say for my part this grilled chicken breast wait I don't know if I can't phone a Finn without it stopping my recording because I'm recording on my phone.

You're going to have to phone a Finn, Jeff. Okay, I'll call him. What do you think he'll say? Rice thins, definitely. If he picks up, right? Oh, actually, no, it's dark chocolate. I think he might go chicken breast. remember if he doesn't pick up you gotta hit us with a that was easy and you really need to stop the song

facetime audio i know that noise FaceTime audio I know that noise That was easy Still got it Yeah Alright Ferris it's your vote yeah guys i'm i was living it was when i first moved to la there was a trader joe's nearby me i was just falling in love with the city i was eating the shit every day um it has such high sentimental value of when i used to live in this like 300 square foot little shoebox of a place in

West LA next to a neighbor that wouldn't stop coughing through all hours of the night and cussing loudly to himself. His name was Johnny and I hope he's doing okay. Shout out to Johnny. I'm going to go with grilled chicken breast in a sealed container. That's my final good answer good answer did you microwave that or you just eat it cold out of a sealed container so you could eat it cold i think i mostly i would make these little quesadillas with these mini little uh corn tortillas um a little bit of cheese put them in a pan uh put the chicken on top it would heat up that way yeah a little hot sauce on top yeah

it was a good time so easy welcome to the final round of the trader joe's snack dinner steaks doll croissant lit turn a mint chip ice cream of hangry victors we've got contemplates inner peas versus grilled chicken breast in a sealed container. Everybody gets two votes on this round. It's a seven game series. What's that? I said, who cares? And Billy said,

it's a seven game series. So we have to actually, then everybody gets seven votes. Unless. Ferris, cut this entire segment out. Yeah. Going for like 25 minutes at this fucking tourney this gauntlet all right you can add

with this this is i think the longest segment yeah in the history of the show at this point yeah contemplates inner peas versus grilled chicken breast in a silk container survey says y'all know how i feel man yeah i guess i would go chicken breast and it's a clean sweep this is insane also I think my neighbor's gardeners here so if you guys hear a leaf blower I'm so sorry that it's kind of taking away from the fanfare of it all

I'll turn it up here we go the champion is yeah it says crisp Norwegian crisp bread what the fuck how did that happen and greek style yogurt dip with corn in third place this is absolute bullshit i made this is horseshit the champion is by unanimous decision in the final round grilled chicken breast in a sealed

container i have to go with what the graphic said, which was Norwegian crispbread. There was a technical difficulty. We ran a fair election. No, and this is the result that we came out with. This is the one that we go with. We have to trust the process. We have to trust the process and believe the computers. Otherwise, we're no better than them. They're fucking turning voters away in Florida.

By the way, if you're still in line. The crispbread Norwegian crispbread didn't even make it out of the first goddamn round. It was the first one out. You said it looked like a loaf of sand that had been freeze-dried in a sack. Honestly, it wasn't my vote. It ran against its own party. But I have to tip my cap.

This is going to take months to sort out. The fucking victor. Hangry or otherwise of the Trader Joe's snack dinner steaks doll croissant lit tournament chip ice cream of hangry victors. This is so fucked, but it's crisp bread, Norwegian crisp bread, due to a technical difficulty

on commonninja.com, which is a website that you can make a bracket tournament graphic on. This is such horseshit. We'll be seeing them in court. We have to look. A little 2020

votes humor. Plugs! Let's go Amir, Billy, Ferris. What do you guys have going on? What do you want to point the people to? The floor is yours, guys. Let's go. Right? You got to be fast with it.

This isn't good podcasting. Who are you talking to? I said plugs. Let's start with you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I said plugs let's start with you oh my god oh my god I'm sorry am I not doing this you're like no I'm not gonna do the plugs

I don't think we're gonna move on I wanna rub your face in this you made a duty on the podcast floor and I'm gonna make you sit in it no plugs we have no jokes just you and your ill temper i'm not ill-tempered it's just like you guys come on my show and you fucking like sour the energy up top and throughout it and then at the end you won't even like play along you're only hurting yourself by the way

you're not getting your shit out which is the only reason to come on this show anyways look at me when you're talking to me like you're staring down at the fucking floor like say that to my face let's see it whatever it's like yeah whatever it's like right you fucking coward

you're a piece of shit no plugs Yeah, whatever it's like, right? You fucking coward. You're a piece of shit. No plugs. That was easy. Billy? I guess I'm on Instagram, whatever, but more importantly, I have six mid-century modern dining chairs designed by Robin Day

and produced by Jon Stewart Incorporated, made in the USA circa 1950. So these are hill chairs. They're stamped. They're in good vintage condition. There's wear and tear, but it's constant with the age and the use. These are selling online for repainted, which actually, they were appraised for almost $1,500. I'm willing to part with them

for a fraction of that. I have to move out. Pick up in Toronto only. And I will be in LA by the time this comes out. You could also bring them out with you and then you could put them up on Rodney's Closet. It's just a 20% consignment fee. That's a terrible idea.

I'm not going to pack six mid-century modern chairs to fly to Los Angeles. Also, how is Rodney's closet? Did you see my comments the other day? Yes, it pissed me off so much. Are you selling anything? Yeah, I sold almost everything. I had, I think, like 15 items, and there's only five left.

And I made a couple hundred dollars. So people are paying you, and then you're shipping it, or they're coming to pick it up? Both, a mix of both I shipped them but last night I met a guy near USC and sold a shirt for like 20 bucks you drove to USC

to sell a guy a shirt for $20 yeah rush hour how long is that 45 minutes each way 48 there probably another 45 minutes each way. 48 there. Probably another 45 on the way back. 35 maybe. Yeah.

If I'm lucky. Jesus. Ferris? You guys did it, man. Yeah. What I asked for the other week, you delivered on in spades and you destroyed the number I was looking for.

How many followers did you get? I think like over 250 in the span of like the last two weeks then, or not even. That's a lot. So, so you guys are going to get the, uh, the USSR national anthem. anthem um give me a little

bit of time my cat tiger is not doing well he's an old man and i'm taking care of him right now so so that's my plug have tiger in your prayers have johnny in our prayers my old neighbor they used to he has like tourettes or something and and Johnny Villa who we should say shout out to John really yes oh no Jesus did he want you to saying that on the podcast we're just now finding out about this stuff I'll ask him after and then either bleep it or not well I'll definitely check in on him yeah you got the shout out to Johnny Villa Johnny neighbor, and Tiger the cat. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Jesus. And you can follow- You shouldn't have said that. You shouldn't have said that about Johnny, I don't think. It's kind of a private-

It's from his- Got- Can't say that again, obviously. That's what was bleeped. Jesus Christ. He got- Yeah. Do you have any plugs?

Thank you so much for asking. At Jeffrey James on Instagram. Trying to get to 14,000 followers because I have nothing else to kind of hang my hat on. So I feel like once I get that 14, I'll be happy. Jeff, how's the acting going? You were saying your agents were pretty disappointed

with the self-tapes you've been sending in? No, well, they've been giving me notes that I appreciate because I want them to be straight up with me. I can pull up the last email that Rob sent me. He said... Serious Rodney. And then this is an actual email that he sent me. He said, we did send this in, but this is not some of your best

work. When I get back from Cabo, we should talk. And so he's coming back on Monday. You're kidding. I guessed this. This makes me seem so mean. If this is something that's actually happening. Oh, no. Yeah. He said, this isn't some of your best work.

Let's talk. What was it for? It was a Doritos ad. All I had to do was drink a glass of water, look to the camera, and smile. I kind of put my own spin on it. So I kind of sent in basically what ended up being a short. Of you eating inner peas? It was me choking on a spicy porkless snack rind and washing it down with salsa i did almost book a kind of big recurring guest star i think i told billy this but on

nbc's and i i didn't it. Was this before COVID or? This was, yeah. Well, actually, it probably would have fucked everything up because I would have gotten COVID and that would have been worse if I got it and then gotten COVID. Oh, Finn called me back. That was easy.

Pick up. Let's see what's going to win the tournament now. Just ask him if he likes chicken breast and that's it. He's busy. I'm not going to call him back. I already bothered him enough with these phone-a-fin bullshit. He's always busy. What is he doing right now?

He's not busy anymore. He's taking, I mean, he was busy earlier, but he's taking it easy now. That's good. I mean, he might be busy for you, but. We got to end this shit. Last week, we didn't end it for 20 minutes. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I guess we'll leave you guys with an incantation.

Like a spell? Yeah, let's leave them with a spell. Sim sala bim. That was a Hidgum Original.