The Headgum Podcast - 7: Aural Mirror

Episode Date: July 3, 2020

Jake, Amir, Marika, and Geoff discuss Marika's Ham4Ham performance, the best age to be, and aural mirrors.Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I don't mean to be too crass, but welcome to the HeadGum Podcast. Fuckers. Well, then you did it there. Okay. You went over the line. You also didn't have to say fuckers. The joke was complete.

It said, I don't mean to be too crass, but welcome to the HeadGum Podcast. And then you took a beat. You seemingly really wanted to be crass. No, I didn't want to go go blue but you kind of forced me to no i did not i just didn't say anything i was waiting for you to finish and then you said fuckers after a second of silence the silence made me feel that i needed to perpetrate violence yikes fine start the fucking show now you have me like mad to you what you would do in a zoo nice matt damon bought a zoo all right i just saw this movie it's unbelievable why what

do you mean like imagine if your parents fucking bought a zoo don't say the movie We Bought a Zoo is unbelievable. It came out like a decade ago. It was unbelievable, dude. It was more than unbelievable. It was actually beyond, I couldn't suspend my disbelief. It's probably the most believable Matt Damon movie ever, right? Like he's played like a spy with some sort of innate ability. He's gone to Mars a few times. And then you're saying the most unbelievable.

Also, this movie was based on a memoir so it's incredibly based on the terroir as in the land kind of informed the taste of the zoo uh what marika said was right it was based on a memoir but what a good segue into what i would like to hear marika you sorry we'll cut that out but just let's for the record say that amir just sneezed yeah when was the last time you got sorry when was the last time you got tested i haven't gotten tested i'm just i'm better than tested i'm congested so i have an allergy to the pollen in the air. But don't worry about me with regards to coronavirus.

I either have it or I don't. But it can't transmit to you across the Zoom conversation. Really? Because I did test positive. And all I've done is these Zoom calls and also like going to restaurants and bars and nightclubs. And you flew across the country. I did fly across the country. And I flew across the country. But I tested negative. Congrats.

Now my concern is coming back. You know what I mean? Because L.A. County is, what is it, 1% of the entire world? Yeah, they say there's 10 million reported cases and L.A. has 100,000 of them. So when should I come back? Probably never, but maybe like in a few years after this whole thing is either subsided or enough people have died and gained herd immunity that you don't have to worry about catching the virus. OK.

And that's and you're only saying that because of the virus. It's not because of any like personal beef. What was the question you had? You said that was a good segue to the Matt Damon thing. And then I sneezed and it created this weird tangent for the last. Believe it or not, this show is not scripted. This show is not scripted, but that was a perfect, tight, tight, cold open. No, it wasn't.

Welcome to the Edgum podcast. No way. You cannot start at this late in the game. You can't. Marika, you texted me today to talk about, just say what you texted me. I asked, do you ever think about the fact that the pop punk band All Time Low sells wine now? Just as a conversation starter, I figured you of all people would probably understand what that means as a person that likes to, at the very least, talk about wine. And also pop punk music. Would you say that that's all-time lows all-time low nice really it's not even their own wine they just work at a liquor store right

well tell tell amir what the name of the wine is the website is all-time pino oh that would have been good that's almost better. The website is everythingisline.alltimelow.com. In case you wanted to buy some. Do they have a song or an album called Everything is Fine? Not one that I know. Didn't you say it was a quarantine thing? Like that the world is going to shambles and they're saying everything is wine. Everything is wine.

I don't think, is wine uh i don't think i mean i don't think this this started pre-quarantine uh the selling wine so i'm not sure but they're selling a summer days rose right now if anyone's interested yeah that's my big news of the day i guess why are you bummed jeff why are you sad to hear that that was right up your alley and you like goaded me into talking about it conversation starter yeah you said can you read the text Marika did and now you're like I'm not sad and I'm not bummed I'm just kind of letting you guys have the floor I said my my piece. We have the floor. As a host, it's your job to move the conversation along.

You're letting everything die. The energy was good a few seconds ago. I don't know what changed. It was that we saw your sad little face. Yeah, what changed was you. Little? Really? I have lost like 15 pounds.

Since when? Birth. As in I was reborn when this whole thing kind of started, Bluenfeld. How do you like that? I hate that. This has been a low point since, yeah, this generation's collective depression. And you're having a renaissance, a glow up during it. I'm going to be a nine by the time this is over and everything is fine

slash wine this episode is sponsored by everything is wine god I would love to be sponsored by all time low as wine this is a genuine question for you guys no bits for this truly no bits for this question what in life are you most proud of

Amir you go first. Um, wow. I mean, you, okay. You own a company. So that's a start.

Head gum is fine. Head gum is wine actually. But what I'm truly the most proud of is probably I, I did a somewhat viral Tik TOK recently. And for it to, for me to wake up and see 2,000 likes under that fucking clip really meant the world to me. And I've never been prouder of, well, myself, quite frankly. It's brought me such joy to have those likes

that I feel like I've made friends in the form of followers that will never leave me. And that probably means more to me than any company or real life friendship that I've made along the way. I fancy myself a viral epidemiologist of sorts. So that's cool to own that. That's not the right title. What's that? epidemiologist of sorts. So, that's cool to own now. That's not the right title. What's that?

That's not the right title. All right. And that's just, yeah, that's awesome to have. Sorry, you weren't done? I was saying,

I was still talking about how that's awesome to have. So, the thing you're most proud of is not, that's not viral, by the way, on TikTok,

getting 2,000 likes is nothing. All right. So, the fucking head gum. Fucking head, getting 2,000 likes is nothing. All right, so the fucking head gum. Let me take that again, then. All right, we'll take it again. I'll edit it out. I once had a tweet so good, 1,000 people chose to share it. That's also not that many. Then fucking head gum again.

Let me just take it from the top. The network. Head gum. What's marika's answer do you guys know the show hamilton the movie on disney plus yeah okay yeah what so it's based on a true story of yours or something four no almost five years ago, performed in a ham for ham in front of the Richard Rogers Theater in a very out-of-character move for myself. Yeah.

And I'm proud that I did that. What do you mean by ham for ham? Can you screw this fucker, please? Explain it to me like I'm... Nine. Smart. Like you're smart. Explain it to me like I'm smart. Like you're smart. Explain it to me like I'm wine.

When Hamilton was doing an in-person lottery in front of the theater every day, Lin-Manuel Miranda started doing live shows before the lottery was drawn as a fun thing to do

and he'd have people from the show perform things or people from other broadway shows perform things uh and one day uh he tweeted does anyone know the lyrics to guns and ships that could do something and i responded and then he dm'd me like come to the theater jeff is pissed right now and i don't know why no i'm listening your listening face is like anger yeah that's just especially your head is in your hands i'm really sorry i was listening that's just my listening face yeah and i performed a rap live in front of thousands. And I won a contest.

So you're actively, you're mocking me silently. I didn't say anything. Amir, did I say anything? No, but that was sort of the problem. You weren't, like, encouraging. You're supposed to, like, yeah, hear that and sort of support it implicitly, emotionally. And I mean, this is being recorded video video wise so people can see your reaction that was you silently mouthing making fun of me okay i mean this is like i feel i can't i feel like i'm walking on eggshells here i feel like i can't

do anything i don't know man continue i really, I was enjoying the story. I was trying to share something cool that I've done. No, share it. You guys are the one you're interrupting yourself. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're stopping the story. I was listening.

All right. I mean, I'm done now. That's the, I'm proud of doing that thing. Do you have a video? Yeah, it's on YouTube. Do you still know the words?

Yeah. I don't want to do it. I mean, should we? That was my one-time performance. One time. I'll splice the audio in right here. I'm taking this horse by the reins like a red coat shredded with bloodstain I'm never gonna stop until I make them drop my butt on the first guy that remains on Watch me cage and I'm escaping, I'm enraged and I'm up I'm gonna have friends from both funds, I'm gonna come back with more guns Guns and ships, until the balance shifts We love to boo with Rochambeau, consolidate their gifts We can end this war at Yorktown, cut them off at sea But for this to succeed, there's someone else we need.

Let's go! Hamilton! He knows what to do when the French are denoted, he's doing the French, I mean. Hamilton! You're gonna have to use him eventually, what's he gonna do on the bench, I mean. Hamilton! He has more resilience from matches, my practical tactic was brilliant. Hamilton!

He's my hand man bat. Hamilton! He's my hand man bat. Ah! He's my hand man bat. Ah! He's my hand man bat. I know you gotta put some thought into the letter, but the sooner the better to get to right hand. That's right! I'll tweet it out on Friday. Wow.

Huge. Marika, when's your birthday? October 22nd. What if we did a roast of Marika on her birthday as the HeadGum podcast? So it'd be like, a joke could be like... Yeah, you don't know how we know what a roast is. Your pitch was already denied, so don't try to sneak in a little roast right now. Is there anything we should roast you?

It seems like you're just sitting on an insult for Marika, and you wanted to pitch it along with this thing. Let's have a moment of silence. No, you don't have to say anything. We already don't want to do the roast of marika you don't i kind of do now though all right fine let's hear this one this one singer all right for uh let's have a one moment of silence for all those who've fallen marika do you want to tell a joke wait sorry that's the roast that's the insult i don't know it doesn't make it only applies if someone's like a comedian or like has a stand-up a tight five but marika has a tight nine and it's

not stand up it's singing ham for ham so you really kind of backed me into a corner here marika what the hell are you talking about what the hell is i supposed to do you put me on the spot but guess who fucking assembles this shit motherfuckers you said i want to do a roast of marika for example one insult could be and then you fucked it up and then you said marika put you on the spot you're already bombing at a thing don't put words in my mouth that's the one thing i won't stand for on this show all right i said we should do the roast but that's supposed to be all of us versus marika where we back her into a corner not me well i thought that roasts are like everyone gets a chance to do their sort of tight five

on a comedian that can't rebut in any way they just sit there and take it we did one of those not at head gum but at college humor i was roasted once for a live show and it was like everybody one by one making fun of me and then at the end the person so i went up and i made fun of everybody else did you tell a lot of jokes or did you kind of have like a diatribe against everybody because you didn't understand that like it is all i knew that it was all in good fun and i had like planned a couple zingers but by the end of the night i was seething with such anger because they actually was it was I was

inundated with a series of low blows that like by the time I went up there I was on the verge of tears being like fuck you how could you do this to me this is so fucked up this isn't fun this isn't fun but like everybody thought I was kidding but like I was red in the face and crying and they just thought I was like a super method actor

or something like that so like applause laughter and like I was red in the face and crying and they just thought I was like a super method actor or something like that so like applause laughter and like it was like probably the the best set I've ever had but I don't remember any of it because I was like blinded with such hate and vitriol that by the time I had emerged from my brown out it was a full-on standing ovation and I had come to I fainted at the end of it what was the worst thing someone said like how bad did it really get that you got so angry somebody said my glasses were constantly like a little smudged or something like that or the shoes that I wore weren't necessarily cool to have or like stuff like that sorry one of the roasts was the shoes that you own aren't necessarily cool to have that was what they said yeah because they're yeah they were like mostly it's fine and i do really like those shoes personally i just know if you pulled 100 people maybe like a few of them wouldn't necessarily like the ones you have on currently and the rest

of them are unanimous grand slam so that's pretty positive actually really yeah yeah it just i think it was the setting of it that made me feel mad to hear everything about that. Yeah, I guess take some time to reflect what they actually said, and maybe it'll mostly be good things, and then maybe some of your anger will dissipate. I think I came at it from like a... Yeah, I was at an insecure place in my life, so it was sort of like a powder keg, and even the slightest spark set me off.

Why were you at an insecure place? What else was going on? I had just been dealt a shit hand. keg and even the slightest uh spark set me off why are you at an insecure place what was what else was going on uh i had just been dealt a shit uh hand at life up until that point and so i felt like as a struggling comedian living in new york city without a dollar to my name you were salaried you're salaried at a comedy website that everybody else wanted to work at yeah but i wanted to work at two websites what was the other one? E-bombs world alright

so we have ham for ham we have head gum that's what you guys are most proud of what are you most proud of? I and this is for the longest time this is up until recently I didn't know what to say and when like i just nothing was scripted

and so i was kind of off the cuff like most people go about their day and they know exactly what they're gonna say at which point you know people have lunch conversations they're relating to their co-workers they're making connections they're making lasting friendships i've never had that to me i've i've never known what to say i've just always kind of just said whatever comes to my like right now i'm even just saying whatever comes to my mind versus you guys are reading from a script no um we're not and it's obvious you're waxing focus so how recently would you say this is you were listening to that answer yeah because i have some questions to follow up with it was up until probably the middle of like April.

It just clicked. It was like, oh, you're not experiencing like a lot of like pushback on the things you say, the negative reactions, because it's what you're saying that's bothering people. It's that everybody else kind of gets it perfect because they're scripting their conversations. So every night I would kind of write down

what I would say the next day. Also, how many levels of improv did you take from ucb i took seven levels okay so there's four there's it goes up to 401 and then i've taken three yeah i took an advanced study and then i've taken two academy classes so a solid amount of money you spent to learn how to think off the cuff or not think rather based on the motto of the theater. Right. But that was back when I didn't know what other people were doing, Brownlee. Like that was when I was like, OK, if it's off the cuff, I got to figure out how to be honing in on it. You know, but now that I'm seeing everyone else has like like breakfast between when you wake up and breakfast, that's act one.

Between breakfast and lunch, that's act one. Between breakfast and lunch, that's act two. Blink. You're not blinking. Relax a little. Between lunch and dinner, that's act three. Take a fucking deep breath. Blink. Stop attacking people.

And dinner to falling asleep is the tag. I haven't heard a single thing you said. I just saw it. The cold open is that position where you wake up and you're like I can do another 10 minutes I can do another 10 minutes of sleep we need to take a break there's no way this is productive

thank god you're in a different state you're attacking us I open this door that door opens behind you what'd you say? oh my god you moved 2000 miles in a second That door opens behind you. What'd you say? Oh, my God. You moved 2,000 miles in a second. That's the saxophone point.

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Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's DrinkAG1.com slash what's that? Check it out. All right. So what do you guys think is going to be, like, people keep saying it's never going to be the same. You know what I mean? After COVID. So what do you think will permanently change? And what do you think will go back to normal?

It's so sad to think about. How is that sad because i think about it all day and then now i have to think about it during this time that's like a reprieve all right then let's fucking just get through it fast then i mean i think a lot's gonna i think most things are gonna change then we agree then we agree i'm just saying let's think about this shit let's fucking talk it through yeah that's what I was starting to do and then you were like we agree we agree so I'm just so fucking and this might be new information for you

Amir but I'm like so fucking terrified of confrontation that I'll just agree on a whim I was talking to my roommate about spas today and we were like oh never gonna go to a spa again I guess not that I ever went to sp roommate about spas today, and we were like, oh, never going to go to a spa again, I guess. Not that I ever went to spas in the first place, but that came to mind recently. I mean, post-vaccine, I feel like you'll be able to go to a spa.

But yeah, you can believe whatever conspiracy theory you're reading and whatever MSNBC is fucking handing to you on a silver platter. Some of us work for our news. I steal my neighbor's cable to get Fox Business. That's upsetting to hear. I think Marika spoke for everyone. Then we all agree. And I'll stop doing it and I'll start watching what you guys watch so that there's no

conflict, there's no friction. Yeah, let's do that. No conflict. Yeah, I think so. You don't have to repeat every little thing that i'm saying in an attempt to convince me you're listening you're clearly not being a soundboard a mirror oral or otherwise bouncing back whatever you say at you makes you feel like i'm listening but then i can kind of go to a different place i I'm so distressed by the term an oral mirror. An oral...

What a hard thing to say. Yeah. You can only say it with your mouth full of bread. At an Olive Garden. Pounding breadsticks. So, Marika, you think no spas Amir? yeah massages spas any like indoor intimate

activity like I can't imagine ever cramming in a phone booth with four of my friends and like passing the phone around pranking QVC like we used to or like going to like a movie theater like what's the point when you can stay at home and watch Netflix stuff like that yeah I mean I guess no one's gonna get a phone book and prank call people like that's not not a phone book

a phone booth me and three friends what did i miss jake with the hamilton reference i said that last week and everybody fucking just i was just saying that i came from a funeral wow today um a close family friend sorry for you i passed away i was sharing a story i'm sorry for your loss but you obviously shouldn't be doing a podcast at all right yeah take the day off take the day this isn't i shouldn't be this is my way of sort of just like taking a moment how is this your way of taking a moment yeah it was like i was gonna sort of clear my head and talk for a little bit thank you for indulging. I was actually on minute 21 of a pretty interesting oral essay that I had penned on the way to the casket. An oral essay that you had penned.

Marika, one second. And yeah, we were just talking about oral mirrors, actually, if you had anything you wanted to say about that. I think I caught the tail end of the Zoom funeral you were at. Your eulogy started, who do we miss? It started with that and ended with the hip-hop Harry, who's next video? What does the fox say? Jake, this question's specifically for you. Okay, so thank god I showed up late What's the best age to be?

Wow Wow Did anyone Already say six? No No what happened to you when you were six? Everything The fuck is your problem?

I went to college I was a Doogie Howser of myself You studied at college or you just went to a college? Because you did live in New Haven. That's right. I went to Yale as a six-year-old. I did a keg stand at Lambda Lambda Psi because I'm a Lambda Lambda guy.

That's not a real fraternity. Okay. Did anyone say nine? No. Because nine, I was in grad school. How? Okay. What do you think grad school is?

I graduated second grade as a nine-year-old. That's behind two years. Has everybody else already gone? No. We talked about it in Slack. Best age you can be has to be 23. That's basically what we all said yesterday. I think 23 is the best.

I said 22 22 why 23 though because you're still like a baby basically i feel like 23 is old enough to give you a little more perspective but still young enough that everything seems to be about you so uh and your body doesn't hurt yet you're uh you're not tired or achy that's good uh that kind of kicks in when you're when you're in your late 20s i think jeff's not even 23 yet you're not 23 yet no i'm 22 but i do feel like i'm getting old it has your body and the achiness i'm not achy but well because it sucks to hear that everybody thinks 22, 23 is the best age to be because I'm 22, about to be 23 this fall. And I can't do anything right now.

Yeah. No, that's too bad. There's other good ages to be, though. 27, I think, is a really good age. I like 27. I mean, 25 and 26 are kind of garbage because you're having like an existential crisis the entire time. 29's fine. 28 is great.s 30s dirty 30 is dirty meaning 31 is fun 32 32 is bad 31 32 is bad for you fun 32 is bad for you 33 is great for me why

sorry the simplest question ever and you're stumped. I think the real answer is 23. But also 18 is pretty solid. And so is six. Any multiple of six, really. So Amir, what do you say? 23? I think a little later. 23, you're sort of right out of college and it's been like a year or two and you're still sort of poor and angry.

So maybe like by in your late twenties, things are a little bit more established. You know who you are a little bit more, but you're still, you still have that independence. But I also feel like, well, now I'm going to get pretty philosophical. I feel like everyone's favorite age to be as a reflection of the time that they were alive. Like no one who's 23 right now in 10 years will be like, it was great to be 23 you know like 23 was just a good time and i was afraid of everything yeah i i think 23 was just like i don't know what year i was 23 but i think other good stuff was happening yeah yeah you were it was

2009 so like yeah i was like obama was just elected that was good crisis yeah the housing crisis like the housing that. That was in 2009. Unemployment, record highs. I had a job. But I think Jake cleaned up. But it was good for me. It was good for me. Jake shorted.

He was a slumlord. So he scooped up a lot of subprime mortgages. They bundled them together and sold them to Jake and his daddy. And so he sort of priced people out of up and coming neighborhoods. And he was raking in cash hand over fist until 2011. Yeah. That's why he said at age 25 was bad. That's right.

You, you made handshake deals with the tenants of the buildings you bought and then said, Hey, Oh please, if you get out of here so I can renovate this and you know, rent it to hipsters, I'll give you $20,000.

Hang on one second. But they didn't get it in writing. I have a, a full Yiddish conversation on a cell phone for five minutes. One second. one second. But they didn't get it in writing. I have a full Yiddish conversation on a cell phone for five minutes. One second. One second. Yeah, sorry. Wow.

You know that dying language so fluently. Marika, what's the best year of your life? Or I guess the question is, what's the best year? What's the best age to be? Not best year of your life. Though I'm also curious about Marika's best year for life. So you can answer them both. Yeah, I guess the question is, what's the best year? What's the best age to be? Not best year of your life. Though I'm also curious about Marika's best year for life. So you can answer them both. Yeah, I guess I would say I enjoyed 22.

I don't know about you, but Marika's 22. That was a good song. Nice. Not 22. Furthermore. Yeah. Taylor Swift. That's right.

Yeah, it was a good song. It still is. furthermore yeah taylor swift that's right yeah it was a good song um yeah i think i had been in new york for like a year at that point so i felt pretty relatively stable uh yeah it was just good a good a good year a good time 22 is also my favorite number. That'll do it. That association's nice. I feel like a good age to be maybe 31. What are your guys' thoughts as people that have gotten to that age? 31 was, actually, I think I mentioned that 31 was fun. So I did, I'm trying to think, I think i got married when i was 32 but engaged when i was 31 i felt like i liked having like life goals that seemed like they should be happening to 30 year olds happening to me in my early 30s so it felt like yeah it felt like i wasn't fucking it up

i mean amir's 39 and uh it's kind of unmarried and childless. So I imagine that, sorry, I don't want to speak for you, but I feel like you're 30. Well, you already did and you're wrong about the age. You're speaking incorrectly. I just feel like, I mean, things aren't going well for you. So I was just going to say, I know you should answer, but I feel like you're 31.

That's not true, but even if you thought that, you shouldn't say that out loud. Let's frame it in a more positive way. Let's frame it in a more positive way. Let's frame it in a more positive way. I just don't even know how it would do. Yeah, we'll let Jeff get to it because maybe he could find a way. Getting over the hill? Are you excited about the big 4-0?

Getting over the hill in January? I don't know. Loveless, childless, marriageless? I'm not even that close. No prospects? I'll be in my 30s for the next few years. Yeah, I have prospects. Well, I mean, you can lie about your age.

That's what people tend to do when they reach their 40s reach their 40s not a lie not a lie in two years i'll be 39 still so i don't know i don't really think about being 40 um oh okay i get it so it's like oh i'll be 39 forever no no not like that kind of thing not like that kind of thing because i'm actually 37 jake was wrong about the age he was wrong about my was i wrong about everything because you're hung up on the age while smiling and you look really angry no i'm not angry i'm just like he kind of threw me under the bus but it's fine we're not even talking about we were talking about the what was it why it's 31 is cool because it's like you in your 30s i feel like um people accept you as an adult but like 31 is also like the youngest super professional adult age you can be and i also feel like turning 30 is considered stressful for people so you're like over that hump you're like i'm here i'm here let's

let's deal with it and then the next stressful 30 age is to be like past 35 it's like if yeah sometimes i feel like when you're 20 in your 20, every age is like stressful in its own way. Because there's like graduation, the job market, then 25, you have your quarter life crisis. Then you're worried about being 30. But when you're 30, you're like, I'm done worrying about being 30. The only thing I'm really worried about is being 40. And that's 10 years away or one year for Blumenfeld. But like you get the picture. Not really one year, two years, really.

Three. Now you have me fucking confused. I'm 37. Bring out your Two years, really. Three. Now you have me fucking confused. I'm 37. Bring out your birth certificate, man. What are you talking about? It's in Hebrew. I don't even know where it is. My parents' house, maybe? Birth certificate. Birth certificate.

Birth certificate. Birth certificate. Birth certificate. Come on, guys. Birth certificate. The chances are catching on Jeff the cadence is weird earth certificate earth certificate

it's hard to do over zoom to begin with but that had no structure to it we should do that for charities that we chant birth certificate for 24 hours straight we should do it for charity so people can watch it. What's the charitable aspect of it?

Does it earn money somehow? The donations maybe. Maybe. Just chant for a day and see what happens. If by chance it should last a day, then that's even better for the chance. Nice dude. God,

don't smile like that. You're smiling and moving to the side of his microphone so we can see his teeth we don't need to do that adult braces i have visalign you know invisalign yeah well this is a visible alignment aka metal brackets so braces that's a level above braces no braces are thin mine hold my jaw in place and the rubber bands I have a gear of my

head that's right built in a retainer an expander and metal brackets I'm reconstructing my jaw and for dinner I'll have soup in a straw. You're also attached to like Forrest Gump style polio leg braces. That's right. You're a puppet of a man.

I'm an exoskeleton. I have my orthodontist on not only speed dial, but on retainer and he gave me a retainer. And I have to wear it at night. Very, very good. That's that sax point all right this this this is a question that comes from a head gum sketch one of my favorite that we've done if you didn't have to sleep what would you do with the extra time hmm hmm what does

that mean let me it means it signals that I'm thinking about it. That's university. I would take a nap. If you didn't have to sleep, you'd take a nap. How long though? It would be a power nap. How long though? I would take 10 45 minute naps.

Because that's sleep. Did you guys ever try I feel like this was a thing when I was in college trying to do weird napping techniques instead of sleep. Like, you sleep for an hour and a half or something, and then you, like, do some work, and then you sleep again, and then do some work. This is insane. No, I'm not busy.

Yes, you are. Are you kidding me? What? Wait, no, we didn't. At least, like, we'd be able to do this if you walked away from your are you kidding me dude mute yourself no way dude jeff mute yourself but how much is it gonna sorry it's also just like how much is it gonna cost unfair to me i feel because you asked a question yeah because you you you sort of indulged him with an answer okay i see and now yeah no no i'll just

trolling i can front the money I just probably need to find a creative way I'll answer I used to pull all-nighters in college but I don't know if I ever did What if we did the 24-hour chant thing and then I collect the money We already moved on

Then it's not charity We haven't even figured out why people ask us to do it and now you're trying to not make it about charity You're asking us about our sleep pattern or something what we would do with extra sleep We haven't even figured out why people ask us to do it. And now you're trying to not make it about charity. You're asking us about our sleep pattern or something, what we would do with extra sleep. Marika said in college she would try different sleep techniques. What's that sleep thing called? It's not the GoMad diet because that's the milk thing,

but there's like a superhero. The four-hour sleep schedule, like four hours of sleep twice a day. There's like a superhero some kind of thing dave rosenberg used to do it so you know it's good it doesn't seem like it would be good it seems like you would just be tired all the time right you take like 10 minute naps 24 times throughout the day or something like that right i think the idea is that you would don't you're never getting a full night's sleep your body only needs these like 20 minute uh these 20 minute power naps uh but yeah sorry i'm so sorry that my friend interrupted you interrupted it wasn't your friend okay i took the call but that was just because i thought that i

was on me you weren't and we were yelling at you to mute yourself and you kind of ignored it by the way it'd be rude to take the call and mute yourself which is the slightly less rude thing that you didn't do but like that would still be if you had muted yourself and taken a call it would have still been inappropriate there wasn't like oh and don't make that face if you can't i'm listening i'm listening how do you feel right now that we're all scolding you what do you what do you about that? I feel conflicted because it was a really good call. Nobody's on your side. But I also want to hear Marika's story.

It was a minute long. How is it a really good call? What happened on it? It was a perfect call. George Sava called and he said, hey, let's get this bread. And then I started cracking up because it was so funny to me. He said, let's get this bread. He said, let's get this bread.

And then I was like, okay, I'll front the cash for that bread. And then he was like, no, I mean, let's go get this money. And then I kind of cut him off because I wanted to hear it. So you cut Saba off too? Yeah, you know what? Should I call him back? Small thing, it doesn't sound like a perfect call if you had to if you guys misunderstood each other then you have to cut him off yeah but you were rude to saba and marika which is kind of sad jeff no i'm sorry

marika that's okay jeff i want you to slap yourself like as hard as you can like sort of lift up your right palm and have it face your cheek and really just like let's see that this is insane no way this is like because then it's not try to do it as hard as you can and i'll see if you can go harder all right start with one that's as hard as you think that's not even close to what i want i want like a fat like i knew you were gonna ramp it up no matter what so i kind of started like this is i was anti-jeff but try to like this is starting to scratch this is bordering on super inappropriate blumenfeld you gotta feel free to like sort of slip and like you know scratch your eyelid or something I wouldn't do that

this is beyond fucked when I feel like I have to agreed no you don't you really don't I never approved it Rika blink nine times if you don't want this to happen alright wow that was the fastest I've ever seen anyone blink hit me fucking square and slap themselves

at the same time contacts out and I made contact I ever see anyone blink and slap themselves at the same time. Contacts out and I made contact. I straight up wish I couldn't watch both of those things happening but Jeff hit himself really hard in the face and Marika blinked

faster than I've ever seen anybody blink before. How did you do it that fast? My eyelids were all over. I was batting were on but also counting because i had to hit nine but he did it too soon you did it you were on like you were on seven and he's fucking slapped himself that's really fucked up marika he did that because of you yeah i napped in college that's that sax point

Well, we have to finish up soon, but what's the update on the search for the LA office? It's still kind of dangerous with the numbers so high to have people working in a room together. You know, you hear these horror stories about like... Right, so let me finish. So in terms of the search, we're not necessarily in any rush to get to a place where a bunch of employees are working together out at the same space, especially because everyone's doing so well remotely. We want to like take things slowly and as safely as possible. That said, I saw some of the listings you sent through and my God, are they cherry. I mean, Frogtown being so close to wax paper. Even if they're empty for a year, like that might be worth it.

I mean, the New York office is open. It's actually not. I work there because no one else does. But it's an empty office. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you must have known that because you're on Zoom calls with everyone and we're all at our houses. No, no, you're right. You're completely right. It's just it's more like.

Sounds stupid now that I say it out loud. Probably will. I was hoping you guys would kind of get the L.A. office sooner rather than later just because I did get evicted. And so I was thinking maybe like without you guys knowing, like against your knowledge, I kind of crashed there for a while. And so, yeah, I would be the only one over there, kind of like you are in New York. But I would just kind of get a free place to live. It's weird to know that you shouldn't say something and then confide it that deeply to, I mean, two of your bosses, you know? Hmm.

Okay. It was a joke then. Oh, all right. Not that funny, though. It's kind of plausible. you know hmm okay it was a joke then oh alright not that funny though it's kind of plausible it's not that funny it's kind of plausible were you joking or not?

it was a joking it was a joke yeah it was a friggin kid you can't like coach reactions to a joke by like

asking people to dial it back when they laugh Marika let's take that one again. Maybe you kind of are laughing at what I just said and then it's kind of funny on everybody. Because there's tension now. You feel this tension? Yeah, that you cause.

Yeah. Alright. Marika, tell Jake about everything is wine. I don't want to. That way the listeners hear it twice, but Jake only has to hear it once I'm super curious since I already

was there for the first time I think I'm gonna no fucking way because it always ends this way he's gone Amir's gone before Mariko do you want to tell me about everything is wine a pop punk band I listen to sells wine now,

and that's their wine brand. That's about it. That actually sounds... Well, tell them the band name. All Time Low. Yeah, so that made him leave. He fucking left for that. I think that's fair of him.

Really? This has been great. Really? You I think that's fair of him. Really? This has been great. Really? You really mean that though? Because that actually means. I actually really fucking needed to hear that actually. Okay. Yeah.

For you to say something like that to me. It just kind of like. Validates everything I said this hour. And it kind of makes me want to go even harder next week. In terms of like. Sowing seeds of division. A. B. Bringing up niche conversation starters. And C. Kind of dominating the discourse, making sure that everything bends to my will.

And because I kind of like I was saying, I kind of script what I say. I script I script everything I say during the day. So everything you're hearing me say right now is scripted yeah sorry can you not because you just jumped the line yeah I guess I no you're jumping the line you're supposed to say in three lines you're supposed to say you're exactly right Joe

okay in three lines so does that mean you keep talking you're jumping the line you keep jumping the line I mean I guess you know end of a podcast follow me on Twitter at Marike Alon and I'm gonna go well don't go cause I needed you to say this

yeah what I need you to say to finish the whole episode is like this has been the HeadGum Podcast feel free to subscribe to other HeadGum shows review review newcomers and she's gone she left for that are you fucking kidding me she didn't say the am I in the wrong here I really can't help but feel like I didn't say the... Am I in the wrong here? I really can't help

but feel like I'm the only one who's not in the wrong. Fuck. Alright, follow HeadGum on Instagram at HeadGum, Twitter at HeadGum. Listen to the Review Review podcast on HeadGum. The If I Were You podcast on HeadGum.

Buckets, NadPod, Newcomers, Why won't you date me? There's something in it for everyone. We'll catch you next week on the HeadGum podcast. Enjoy your weekend, and remember. That was a HeadGum Podcast.