The Headgum Podcast - 75: Op Ka Bump Fa Solid (w/ Billy Scafuri!)

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

Fellow Headgum podcaster Billy Scafuri (No Joke podcast) joins Jake, Amir, and Geoff to discuss the Headgum Podcast live show in NYC, the NELK boys, and Meta. Plus, they play a round of Good Tweet, Bad Tweet! BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. But yeah, if you're gonna put your money somewhere, put it in Dogecoin. Like you shouldn't be giving financial advice. What's that? I actually have fucking had it, Marika, with these quips, right? And I've actually fucking had it, Danny, Amir, Marty, Johnny, Angie, with you not selling ads on this show for things like quip.

So I've had it with Marika's quips and I've had it with not having quip money that I could invest in, Dog, Ferris. Yes. I'm sorry but sax game over Game over. That's it. The whole episode. This is a good episode.

It's a mood killer. Just right off the bat. I don't like the energy that everybody's brought already. We all danced. We fucking danced for you during the intro. You swayed. We and dance noodle danced i love a good noodle dance at like a krungbin concert where you just kind of noodle left to right yeah yeah that's what everybody does at dead and company you went to two of those right yeah two grateful dead shows Entourage?

Yeah, Micah came up with that sound bit before the live show, and I forgot to use it. Got it. How do you think the live show went? Me? Jeff. Yeah, just a little post-mortem. I don't think we ever discussed it.

It's hard because everybody seemed to like it, which is good, but I felt like everyone sort of stole my thunder. Yeah. think we ever discussed it it's hard because like everybody seemed to like it which is good but i felt like everyone sort of stole my thunder yeah there were a couple like uh tech hiccups i wonder if those were built into the show or because at one point you blamed having to switch computers that was really i don't know if you heard but there was we played jeffordy during a live show and i think during the final jeffordy jeff's like oh actually the the final thing is on my other computer and so we just scrapped that four minute bit during a live show it was like the fit it was the family it was during family rude yeah family rude you also didn't know you had no idea what any of the categories said right so you couldn't

actually like very like we would guess and you didn't know if it was right or wrong and you just had to say you had to click and reveal i feel like like all comedians learn especially sketch and all comedians less is more over time yeah and like less props less music cues less video cues jeff right now is firmly in the more is more camp. He's the more sound boards. Okay, so the Family Rude thing of not knowing what was on the survey, that was on me. And that's something I learned of like I need to have cards or something to know what the categories are so I can say survey says and then know. The final round of Family Rude was messed up because I came to the venue for tech completely prepared.

My entire laptop was set up. All I needed to do was plug in the HDMI to the venue's setup. And then we did it and it kept connecting for like two minutes and then it would cut out as soon as we had it all set up. So we tried that like four times with different dongles and it just wasn't working. as soon as we had it all set up. So we tried that like four times with different dongles and it just wasn't working. So we brought Marika's burner laptop because that had the HDMI input direct and that worked.

So I had to airdrop everything to her and I forgot to airdrop the list of Family Rude questions. Farris, you can edit all of that out. Yeah, this is Two inside baseball. So what, what did we, what did we miss? Yeah. What did we, what did we, yeah. What did was not on the new laptop?

Uh, let me find it. Oh, tough question. You just brought us deeper into, I'm just curious. Cause yeah. During the live show, he's like, oh, nevermind. I don't have this thing. And like, you know, while Jeff's looking for it, Jake and amir how would you describe jeff's mood post show did he feel celebratory or did he feel like oh he loved it yeah he think he crushed it he knocked it out of the park we didn't even i

was like i'm gonna have to build up this kid's confidence because like that didn't go well but he was already riding so high that i felt like i had to knock him down a peg or two got it got it i mean it went really well yeah you feel good about it yeah but you shouldn't think that like you should be focusing on the bad shit and be like i don't know i'm worried about like i forgot the family duel thing but instead he's like that was awesome and it didn't matter that i forgot it so then i have to be like i kind of did i think usually usually like jeff is the bad guy on this podcast but i actually think you're being kind of did, I think. Usually, like, Jeff is the bad guy on this podcast, but I actually think you're being kind of a piece of shit right now. Holy shit.

This is actually. This is what Jeff's been waiting to hear. This is my breaking bad moment. I'm back to hating Jeff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. It's incredible. This is crazy. It's incredible.

You give him one compliment and he's like, I will ruin it now. This is my moment. I have to assign a sound effect to that. Way too loud sound effect. I just want to announce that we can continue this kind of like natural conversation, but we are waxing now. We're in the waxing portion. Great. And we were, yeah.

Jeff, you played a soundbite from Entourage. How would you cast the four of us oh that's really good of entourage that's nice i think jake would be uh vinnie chase i think i was really hoping you would say that uh billy you would be e um i would be johnny drama and amir would be Johnny Drama and Amir would be E so there's two E's no one is Johnny no one is Turtle we don't have a Turtle amongst us

we just don't and you can't like at a certain point if you cast before you write that affects the script I don't feel like Billy is an E like I maybe Billy is closer to a turtle. Just a friendly, positive, fun-loving

guy. He is a little bit... But they're all Nicks guys. What about Drama? Because he eats and makes a lot of food. And he's worried about people being fed. A provider. That's why I'd be him.

Not really. You're more of a turtle to be honest you're a little bit of an e what's that i think you're more of a turtle the character i think jeff is ari he's ari gold he's just this like like seemingly in power but not really in power figure yeah jeff is lloyd i think he's sort of like the little sidekick to Arwen. Absolutely not. You're Lloyd of the man. I'm more than an assist. Up ka-ba-pa-silent. What?

What was that? Up ka-ba-pa-silent. Up ka-ba-ka-silent? What the fuck is that? Of all the sounds and words in the world i've heard it i have no idea what i'm not going to figure it out nice uh how did you guys think the head gum podcast live show went but also the entire weekend uh i mean billy what's that start with billy yeah oh yeah yeah i guess from my point of view it was a success i was Start with Billy? What's that? Start with Billy? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess from my point of view, it was a success.

I was 3,000 miles away. Didn't hear one minute of it or see one minute of it. Saw some still images, about 10 people on stage, really close. Found out there was technical difficulties, and Jeff had a great time. So no surprises. I'm looking forward to the next one. Oh, yeah. If we can give the post-mortem notes, having nine people on stage with like four or five microphones.

Yeah. That wasn't my plan. My plan was to have six max. Yeah. But then I was like, everybody was having... Still more than me with mics. Hmm? By one.

Still more people than mics at six, yeah. More than the mics by one. Yeah. We only had at six, yeah. More than the mics by one. Yeah. We only had five microphones, yeah. Up, go up, aside. Listen, I thought the energy around the green room was infectious and... It was quiet. There was no music really going on.

It was absolutely bumping. Amir, you had a bad weekend, it sounds like. I had a fucking ball. There was no music. Pre-show. It was quiet in there. It was the best weekend of my life. Nice.

I had a great time. I had a great time. I'm with Jeff. I think there is one question that people do have that weren't at the festival. Jake, you posted a series of photos that clearly captivated people. The series of photos featured a wet spot on Amir's jeans. Yes, yes, that's right.

Two questions, first question. Were you intentionally posting that picture to drum up a conversation? You didn't mention the wet spot in your post, but were you trying to make us talk about it? So my idea for the bit was way less funny it was just like i'll take like a series of photos as i'm getting like closer and closer to you wow so like i have one that's further away then i get a little closer then a

little closer and i think like the last one was like a video of me getting really up in his face okay but then i got like 20 i don't get that many dms but i got like 20 dms they were all about your dms yeah yeah people slid into the dms about the wet spot they slid into the dms about the fit of the jeans yeah people talk to me about slim yeah you're i mean people were saying your socks were ugly so then i i can't keep up i can't keep up with the fashion trends then i haven't bought pants in two years and i already feel out of date. I've never gotten so much heat going down in the DMs. And then when I posted screenshots of the DMs that I was getting, people really went off.

That's when the floodgates sort of opened because everyone wanted to be on the story. So I guess behind the music, Amir, what was the wet spot from? We all need to know. That's a great question. It was such a specific, it was like a quarter-sized spot on your upper thigh. And it didn't bleed out anywhere. It was just one circle of wetness.

I think it was coffee. Would you say the wetness was just so? No. I would say it was, I thought it was coffee coffee but then it also we're waxing we're waxing could you stay out of our way no i'm facilitating joy yeah although coffee would have been like i kept wetting the spot you know you do the old wet the spot watch it dry hopefully the spot dries with the wetness. Yeah. The spot stayed.

The spot stayed. So it had to have been an oil-based style stain. Yes, exactly. I wonder if it was some kind of Dijon. A mustard? No. It didn't look like a mustard. Yeah. What did you have for breakfast that day?

It was a coffee and I want to say like a... A scum? It looked like fresh wetness. It looked like fresh wetness. That wasn't a previous stain, correct? Yeah, it was fresh wetness. It was from that day. Yeah.

But it wasn't wet at that moment. Like it wasn't like, people talked about, I think... It was set. It wasn't wet, it was set. It wasn't pissed. Setness. Yeah, it was part of the pants. It wasn't pissed, it yeah it was part of the pants it wasn't pissed it was kissed i think a scone is actually i think a scone is a good guess because i think there could

have been a scone is doing dry that's why you use the dry cream that's why you use the clotted cream and that's why it gets on the jeans clotted jeans did you have sous vide bites from starbucks those have a little grease to them. They do. That's an oily drop. Yeah, but I didn't have it that day. I really cannot for the life of me. It was from Blue Bottle. I think it was from Blue Bottle, so I don't remember exactly what I would eat that would cause that. I want to

say it was coffee. Because you know these lids that like, they put the lid on top of the plastic. They haven't mastered that lid. They haven't figured. The coffee stays on the lip. The coffee stays on the lip the coffee stays on the lip they got rid of straws too fast i'm all for getting rid of straws we should have a solution but it doesn't exist yet okay it's not paper straws don't go green without thinking through it that's right wait let's see what you got cold brew right now jeff are you are you in a it seems like a very Curb Your Enthusiasm thing,

where Larry just keeps spilling because of the lid. The lid holds the liquid. Yeah, it is. And is the lid holding the liquid there? Are you getting any splashback on the, yeah. Are you getting any splashback on the other side? 100%. And it gets all over your face.

It's not good to drink. I don't think it's a good aesthetic either. There's something weird to me about being an adult it's a good aesthetic either there's something weird to me about being an adult with a sippy cup it's just not i need a bigger hole i'm trained on the full rim and now suddenly you're just postage stamp sized it's just it's changing everything it's not cool it's not cool to drink coffee like that but like we're gonna need a day when you used to get nice that's actually you need a smaller sort of tighter lid but like i was saying back in the day like gas station coffee like billy you like hot black coffee that's like the cool way

to drink coffee hot black and like it's cool to be like i like it shitty like yeah the shit like out of a fucking whatever those things like new york bodega dollar coffee you know that blue cup yeah they put the lid on it or is it like straight up open i mean if you go to a fancy bodega you might get a lid but more often than not i think it's just carry it and wish wish you the best a hot i remember those new york days where it was like you would like like line the edge of your cup with like six napkins and then those napkins would just be doused in coffee as you're walking down the sidewalk it's like you just show up to meetings stained in coffee the best city in the world just fucking react oh like you zoned out we're talking about coffee man you're hosting the show it's it's because i do the assembly cuts on these and

so i just kind of like i'm clocking as we do them what i'm going to cut out what i'm not and so that was all i think it's all interesting and so i'm like, I don't, if I, why interact? If I know that that's not going to end up in the final cut. We could. Um, yeah. Yeah. It gets everywhere.

You fucking killed the wax. Yeah. Wax on wax off. There's five more minutes. What, uh, what, what, what, What was your guys' favorite moment from the weekend, let's say?

My favorite? I don't know. I can't say it on the show. I know. I was thinking the exact same thing. At the Irish bar, yeah. Jeff, you slept on the beach. Talk to us about it. No, I want to finish out the weekend and then we'll go to the beach sleep. That didn't happen over the weekend? That was a different...

I think that was a different weekend. I meant the weekend of the HeadGum Podcast live show. Oh, sorry. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so me and Jeff, we have the same favorite moment shared in the Irish bar post-show second night.

Yeah. That was my favorite moment of the weekend. The low point was after that, when we went to Brooklyn. Yeah, for sure. And I realized I left my bag and had to leave you guys high and we went to Brooklyn. Yeah, for sure. I realized I left my bag and had to leave you guys high and dry at the woods. Yeah.

And then when I came back, you guys were gone. Everything valuable. His laptop. Laptop. You lost all this? No, I got it back. Okay. Yeah, but I had to go back to Manhattan to get it.

And that's the worst feeling. Your stomach just absolutely drops. We had that thing happen. You know, like in New York back to Manhattan to get it. And that's the worst feeling. Your stomach just absolutely drops. We had that thing happen. You know, like in New York, Billy, you get this. It's like the very end of the night, but you're like, let's go to one last bar. We're all going back to Brooklyn. One last bar. So I'm looking forward to at least like having one more hour with my guys.

Yep. We get there. Me, Micah, Johnny, Jeff. Sweet. We go into the bar and then Jeff is just standing in line. He forgot his backpack at the venue. Jeff and Johnny just spin around. They leave.

Johnny goes home. Jeff goes back to Manhattan to get his backpack. Fuck. Why did Johnny? Johnny's like, if Jeff's not here, I'm out. I think it just felt like the night. Energy sucked out. Yeah. It was all over. It was like 3.15 and bars close at 4

I think it was also like I was getting a lift back to Manhattan so I was like I'll drop you off on the way there oh yeah Johnny lives in Manhattan so it was just like yeah but my favorite moment that we can talk about was probably um probably like

right when the show started and you guys were coming out and people were like going crazy yeah that's that's that's up there my mind is when the show's over right i love i love the post the post show feeling because i get worked up i get nervous before the show when i'm on stage it's all a blur yeah it's the afterglow that's what i do it for and after the afterglow it's the after afterglow and then the hotel lobby that's correct um yeah i slept on the beach billy why i was that is my one that was my comment on your instagram no i've been running on adrenaline the last three weeks and just making every saying everything, which has been so much fun.

But I also didn't sleep on the beach. We ended up just not sleeping. And so I'm like fucking exhausted. I was in New York for two weeks almost, and I don't think I slept more than five hours on any given night. I got one hour of sleep last week full, which made me feel more tired because once you stop running on adrenaline, you crash.

Wait, what do you mean you got one hour of sleep last week full? Yeah, come on. One full night's rest last week, I should say. So like one night last week, you got eight hours and the rest you were just like cutting yourself off too early. Yeah. And then Halloween didn't sleep a wink. And then last night slept six hours so i'm fucking exhausted guys what do you think you're gonna like fall asleep

tonight at like 9 p.m and wake up at like noon the next day like is that how you know now i'm going for i'm not i'm climbing at 9 p.m what where why lab yeah nice because that's the only time george can do it and I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. Actually, I saw him in Brooklyn. A couple weeks? He's your roommate. He's your roommate. But he was in New Orleans and I was in Kansas City and then finally we're back. You're going to get COVID again.

I actually probably will. You're trending towards COVID too. You're going to be my first double breakthrough friend. Yeah. You're flirting with COVID more than you're flirting with, I don't know, someone else in your friend. Yeah. You're flirting with COVID more than you're flirting with, I don't know, someone else in your life. Yeah. Whoever you slept on the beach with.

Or didn't sleep on the beach with. Even more mischievous. Nice. Nice. Alright, we gotta take a break. We'll be right back. Oh, okay. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple.

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I've said my bonds. No, it's every week you have to choose a new bond until the next one's cast this week my casting choice because i think we're getting further and further away from that has to be from the uk the nelk boys i followed do i send you the nelk boys they're an absolute shit follow. If you ever follow someone who's kind of a disaster on purpose just to see what kind of insane things they're up to, there are these four Canadian prankster tweens that are like overt Trump supporters now. And all they do is like go to parties and party and go to colleges and like give kids drugs and make YouTube videos and get banned on YouTube.

They're insane. They're terrible. But they're wildly entertaining for me as a 38 year old who's just like at home doing nothing following this. What are they called? The Nelk boys? N-E-L-K. That's one of the worst words I've ever heard.

I think that's half the reason why amir likes them they get like millions like they like they drop these like we're making this live stream and like 2.1 million fucking college kids are all following them and they're like we're at this place come party with us and it's like during covid before the vaccine like packing a bar or a warehouse they dropped their own own like hard cider recently. No, hard seltzer recently. They're wildly successful. If I may just, if I may backtrack for one quick second,

we're talking about the Nelk Boys. Why are we talking about Nelk? You said something about Bond at some point. Oh yeah. The segment is Bond of the Week. So every week until the next Bond is cast, we're going to just kind of lob up an idea for casting. So this week I'm thinking, what if the N lob up an idea for casting. Got it. So this week, I'm thinking,

what if the Nelk boys were James Bond? Got it. Okay. Yeah, they'd be terrible James Bonds. They're all like barely pubescent and pretty bad. Yeah. I just saw my first James Bond movie. I'd never seen a James Bond movie

before this most recent one. What did you think? I thought he's a great driver. He's like the best car driver i've ever seen yeah um good at shooting seems like a pretty decent guy and um the ending surprised me to put it mildly yeah this movie i think i didn't i didn't like it the ending i think it's no spoilers yeah i know okay so it's anything all right yeah, I know. Okay. So it's anything. Yeah.

Has everyone seen it? I've spoiled it, but I've spoiled the ending to multiple people because I didn't know. You can spoil it to me. You can spoil it to me. Well, I mean, I guess it's bad if people are going to watch it, but it's a month.

You can't spoil it on the podcast. No, no, no, it's not right. It's uncouth. I enjoyed the movie. I enjoyed the movie.

I thought the movie was pretty solid. I guess it's part of the whole mystique of James Bond. But how did they fucking shoot him with machine gun fire constantly and never ever even grazed? Yep. He'll just walk towards a machine gun and it's fine. And then boom, I have a single pistol and you're dead because i got what are you eating that was what is that that's bacon just eating bacon after bacon you just you made bacon and that's it you're eating it on the podcast you can't even talk while people

are talking this is where you guys want to fucking take it over right that's what you've been doing the entire half hour so be my guest discussing bond you said bond the Week. You haven't done your Bond of the Week. You're talking about a real fucking movie. Daniel Craig is already in that. Who's your casting pick? And then let's move on. Shrek. Yeah, that's, Shrek is, he's from the UK.

He's got the Irish accent. That's true. I think that'll work. Got the accent. Kind of fits in, wears the suit well. Yeah. I'll say Henry Cav cavill that's pretty good what do you mean pretty good it's actually fucking perfect you could shit yeah fucking exactly that's right that's right wow yeah all right looking full steam ahead okay got to go to our next segment. Jeff.

I didn't say one. I didn't say one. It's fine. Greetings. Welcome to Meta or Feta. Oh, God. Did you guys see the news? Yeah.

Facebook is changing its company name, but not the actual like website name the facebook company is now meta and feta is cheese that's so dumb so who the fuck cares this is exactly everybody i guess yeah it was a publicity thing and it worked and now facebook's still called facebook but the company that owns it is called meta great it's like google is called like the abc company right alphabet company whatever so it's like who cares called like the ABC company or the Alphabet company or whatever. So it's like, who cares? Yeah, who cares? Jake, Mark Zuckerberg and you are in the same event. Do you feel compelled to want to introduce yourself to Mark Zuckerberg or are you like, fuck that guy? him i wouldn't i wouldn't not do it because i hate him though i would just be if people usually when people are like excited about a famous person i like to tack the other way and not give a shit yeah but not like i'm mad i'm not like yeah yeah i feel you you're not headstrong about it would

you be starstruck no this isn't what the segment is on zuckerberg it's fine i would punch that nerd right in the face for ruining democracy. For him to be there, I would have to tackle him. I want Billy to fucking host the show. Billy should be the host of the show. What? Billy is fucking fun, positive, asks interesting questions, responds when you answer.

You're antagonistic, bacon-eating ass. You fucking don't do jack shit. You just introduce segments like bond of the weeks yell at people to wax and then play wow you're a fucking poison man yeah eight minutes ago jake was saying that i was too rude to jet and then it was a complete seesaw I just like Philly the name of the game is absolutely meta or feta so I'm gonna

do it's fill in the blank and you have to say whether it's meta or feta alright here we go this is for actual cash $100 for every right answer $100 owed to me for every wrong answer okay blank recently caused a big shift in the tech industry.

Meta. No, that's not wrong. No, it's not. Meta caused it. If anything, maybe both, but definitely meta. Yeah, I know what kind of game it is now. Sometimes Jeff doesn't do this, but sometimes he does, you know? It's Feta from Change Foods, which is an Australian-US tech firm

creating bio... What would it be? Bio-engineered cheese. So that you don't need to use cows. Here we go. Blank is really just a distraction from larger issues. Feta. Feta.

Fuck. We get the game now. Why? You guys answered in unison, so I owe you both $100. Blank feels like an unnecessary and bad thing to happen. Feta. Meta. What?

Which one? It was Feta. Do you care to explain why? Or is that just... I don't like everyone's supposed to okay right jeff honest question when you make these games do you actually have answers to the to each question or do you just kind of see how we answer and then reverse engineer the most prick answer in return i actually have the answer but i'm open to change sometimes like i think when we played hammer spam one of the hams was spam,

and I still gave it to Marika because it was sort of her birthday. That's nice. Blank's logo... What's that? Sort of her birthday, or was it actually her birthday? I didn't say what's that at all during the show, I realized, when I listened back to it. Oh, interesting.

Blank's logo is blue uh Feta I said Feta oh god damn it so Jake that's $400 I think every single answer in this quiz is Feta

because Feta's logo is not blue no President Feta President Cheese's feta is blue and so are you who's president cheese president cheese is a company it's a brand of cheese and their feta is blue their logo is blue and the box that the feta is delivered in is blue and i want you to be blue i want you to be seasonally depressed this winter please would you do me that one favor would you do me that one common courtesy all right um blank pairs well with wine

Pairs well with wine. Meta. We were looking for feta. See, that's a good example of what I was talking about earlier. I'm certain. If you said feta, he would have said no. No, I wouldn't have said yes. Here we go.

Blank is an exciting new approach to socialization online. Feta. Because it's the fucking opposite of the truth. Yeah, so that's going to be zooming with a friend while eating feta. Feta. Which is a cheese. We know. We know it's a cheese. The whole thing has been about this cheese.

You said president cheese at one point. Blank will be an exciting new chapter for the Facebook company. You didn't even hear it You guys think all these answers are Feta I really caution you Blank is an exciting new chapter for the Facebook company Feta, Meta

Correct, so that's going to be the introduction of Feta in Facebook break rooms across the country I said it first I think because I said Feta as soon as you started How much cash do I have at this point? You have I think $700 Nice Jeff Feta as soon as you started. How much cash do I have at this point? You have, I think, $700. Nice. Jeff, can you cite your sources?

Who said that Feta is going to be in meta break rooms moving forward? Another piece of bacon. Bacon. Billy, you're in the doghouse now this is actually a new thing no you just crossed me one too many times so here you go um this is gonna be two minutes on the clock you can't speak for the next two minutes billy is one of the most like polite positive fun loving universally poisoned i said you ruined the live show billy just asked you what your source was as to how you heard Facebook break rooms were getting fed

and he got into the doghouse Billy's like a textbook definition of a good guy so if you have beef with Billy that's on you brother and fuck it for the next minute and a half just while Billy's in the doghouse I'm gonna go in on your

sad little ass i really really am i wish you i wish you froze to the death to death on the beach man wow holy shit what's that guy's style the the movie about the guy that froze in a van um the movie about a call to the wild or van? The movie about a guy- Called to the Wild or something? Oh, he didn't, he died of, you know, he was poisoned. He poisoned himself by eating poisonous berries and his stomach sort of ate itself from the inside.

Oh, interesting. Chris McCandless, you're thinking of Into the Wild. But yeah, if Jeff could die like that, that would be interesting. That would be fun. And we'd have to- That would have to find they'd find his skeletal remains and we'd have to identify him by his shitty teeth because he has bad dental hygiene as we all remember so we'd look at the bite there's an overbite underbite couple cavities

both a shift roller yeah but we'd say oh this is definitely jeff because he you know notoriously took such bad care of his teeth so it had to be him all he drank was coffee and ate bacon and like that was enough he rarely slept and he was rarely happy and it was probably it all started with some sort of infection that was never canaled root or otherwise that's that's correct uh they'd ask us if we want the remains to have a funeral and we would say, and we would start laughing and giggling to ourselves

and be like, oh yeah, yeah, definitely. We'll do that. And yeah. Knowing full well we're both sort of trading off taking dumps in the urn.

So Jeff, I guess my question would be putting me in the doghouse. Was it worth it? That was easy. All right, let's round this out. Mark Zuckerberg Mark Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg approved the idea, and yes, Jake is fucking $800. He put feta in his Greek salad. Blank is the best place to access the metaverse online. Feta?

You lost it all. That was an $800 bonus round. This is not what I wanted this to be. I was torn a new one and born a new. I finally break. I was torn a new one and born a new. Ya bun? I finally break.

It was the bun comment for me. Dog. Have you eaten anything besides the bacon and the cold brew? Today? No. That's it, right? Yep. Just caffeine and pork fat. Oh oh i don't want to oh god damn it

yeah even mode me eight hundred dollars train station jeff i know that you uh often sent thousands of dollars seemingly to your friends throughout this podcast have you read the fine print on venmo about exchanging money and how you actually have to report over $600 in exchanges? So even these playful- It's now a taxable event. So even these little games that you play with your friends,

like that moment with Jake probably cost you $2.25 on your taxes. And you've done it seemingly dozens of times, maybe hundreds. So you may- And you get it back. You've made technically like dozens of times, maybe hundreds. So you may get it back. You've made technically like thousands of dollars this year that you owe like 40% on for like short term.

That's right. That's income. That's income. And that's not even a forward facing joke. Like that's a joke between people on an audio podcast. So like even the public doesn't even get the get what you want out of it. So that's a very expensive little all risk and zero reward. That's right. Yeah.

So I didn't know that it's like playing Russian roulette with six bullets I really didn't know that I probably owe hundreds of dollars in taxes for nonsense definitely fuck me and I don't think you're going to learn a damn thing

no what about cash app is that right no it's all the same look at the photo jeff's venmo photo is it's too perfect for what you use venmo sorry hang on hold for sound all right let's get into our last segment. Were you really crying in that photo? No, it was eye drops. I hadn't cried for a year until Halloween. Why did you cry on Halloween?

Because you were fucking cold on the beach? No, they played Broke Down Palace and I started weeping. That's cool. The beach played it what was that what the hell was that he's on coke he's doing cocaine acting What the hell was that? He's on coke. He's doing cocaine acting.

He's doing coke and bacon. Good tweet, bad tweet. What's that? Good tweet, bad tweet. Oh, that's cool from Succession. I don't know if Billy's cat's cut up. Yeah, I'm only halfway through season two. You didn't see Sunday's episode?

No, I'm halfway through season two. Okay didn't see Sunday's episode? No. Nice. I'm halfway through season two. Okay, well, it's not a spoiler, but they play a game in a limo called Good Tweet, Bad Tweet because Kendall's getting obsessed with his own image. He's kind of believing his own press, even though not all of it's positive. So here we go. This is Good Tweet, Bad Tweet, Amir Blumenfeld edition.

We're only going to do the bad tweet and then the segment's over these are real tweets from people who have tweeted about or at Amir are you ready yeah I love Amir how do we even play that's it this is the whole game is Jeff just reading them oh we don't even say like good tweet or bad tweet

I think I thought Amir said don't like in the show Kendall yells good tweet so Amir you say good tweet or bad tweet and i'll read that and be really excited good tweet good tweet i want i'm partial to amir blumenfeld that's from phil mccreary that's funny that's great all right that's it and then not to the next person bad Bad tweet. Bad tweet. Witnessing Amir Blumenfeld's gambling addiction is hilarious. That came in from Raven. What? What do you mean? You do have a gambling addiction.

Yeah. No, I don't. You do. You can't not toy with cash. I mean, it's exciting. It's a vice that I enjoy, but I wouldn't say I'm any more addicted to it than somebody that likes a beer at the end of the day. Good tweet. Sorry, one second.

Boy, here we go. This is your game. I know. I'll cut this out. You can't cut it out. It's a video. Gotta love when Jeff goes into a character. He starts acting.

No, I was going to check something that had to do do with this and i can't remember what it is and then i started getting frustrated god damn it i don't remember um all right good tweet i was this close to going on tiktok live with amir blumenfeld who's the only reason i'm even remotely funny today that was from free roaming goat oh that's nice very bad tweet it's very nice bad tweet bad tweet here we go what about the other people in the Zoom? Why are we only doing me? Sure. He's got that sort of dilf.

I didn't say bad tweet. Jake said bad tweet. Yeah. Sure. He's got that sort of dilf salt and pepper thing going, but that's it. Other than that, Amir Blumenfeld is still what he has historically been and will always be. A loser.

That came in from Alfie. That came in from Jeff Boyardee. Yeah. Can I see that came in from Alfie that came in from at Jeff Boyardee yeah can I see that tweet can I see that tweet I can't figure out the screen share thing the what the screen share the screen share

you see I can't figure out the screen share what if for all of 2022 I'm a fucking 40s mobster in character the entire year I would do it for a, I'm a fucking 40s mobster in character the entire year? I would do it. For a year, I was a mobster. Here we go.

Your mobster year. One second. Good or bad tweet? We're not doing me again. We need to be faster. Did you see the show? Yeah, good. I'm a compet.

They only did two on the show. Okay. By the second one, Kendall was already sort of taken aback in a negative way uh i'm a compet only for my boyfie and amir blumenfeld that's from ip'd compet means compulsory heterosexual so that means like i think they're only straight for you okay yeah good it's kind of a high honor yeah you didn't really get. That one didn't get much of a reaction. Let's just call a spade a spade. We all kind of.

Good tweet, bad tweet. Are these real? Yes, that was IP. Because the bad ones. I'll talk about a bad tweet real quick. I didn't know what compet meant until I saw that. Jeff did an AMA yesterday. And at some point, an AMA, he wanted us to ask him anything.

And somebody said, who's the best guest on the HeadGum podcast? And he proceeded to list, I'd say maybe 16 to 18 people who were the best guests and one who was the worst, Amir. So, of course, his intent was, hey, I'm making this to throw like a jab at my buddy Amir and also like keep this running gag going that Amir is the worst guest on this podcast. But I think that his second thing is ulterior motive was, hey, if I tag these 18 people, this can drum up a whole new round of conversations amongst people. And now I am. Exactly. And now I'm at the top of the pyramid and they're doing all of the work for me. But what happened, folks, was even more impressive.

The 18 people tagged in the tweet. No one replied no one acknowledged the barking dog and if you don't acknowledge a barking dog it stops barking after a while and i will eat your ass no you won't it was so great to witness on social media um good tweet bad tweet that was great uh let's go bad tweet the day amir blumenfeld eats at a michelin starred restaurant is the day they decide to let poor weaklings into michelin starred restaurants that was from happy go fucky yeah no way they do let poor weaklings into the those restaurants yeah

um good tweet bad tweet so the segment's not over the applause just happened for it was it was a really good tweet i liked it a lot that was from happy go fuck you good tweet um if i could meet any three people on the planet it would be in this order Amir Blumenfeld, Bernie Sanders, Jon Stewart what about yours? and this one I thought was kind of nice not only are you at the top there but I thought that maybe we could list our

three top people that we'd want to meet in the world I just think that Amir you're just pivoting to a different thing entirely can you imagine though how out of place is blumenfeld and that group of like four people because it's like the guy whose wish came true guy whose wish came true he's there so like bernie and john stewart have to talk to the guy whose

wish came true yeah but then blumenfeld is just there with b. That's incongruous. I'm sort of waxing politics with the guy. I appreciate his idealistic standards. Those three guys push you out of the conversation. For profit prisons. Yeah. You're out. We have to assume that that fan is Jewish, too. He just doesn't want to meet three Jews and he's not Jewish himself.

Ben Hanson Kaplan. What was his name? Ben Hanson Kaplan. I don't think that's a Jewish name. Yeah. Kaplan's pretty Jewish. Is it? Kaplan, yeah. Hanson what was his name Ben Hanson Kaplan I don't think that's a Jewish name yeah Kaplan's pretty Jewish is it Kaplan yeah

Hanson not maybe Hanson yeah maybe it's a half a halfer did you look up anybody else

Billy oh this is who you'd want to have dinner with yeah is this a living or dead or what

living or dead I don't know it's your idea this is such horse shit i'm sorry but i came with some good games today and you guys are like smiling in anger well you you played good tweet bad tweet which lasted four and a half rounds all on me and then you said who would you want to have dinner with okay so let's let's see what else you got brian or jake weir this let's just do a live conan o'brien bob weir and uh let's go fucking um the nelk boys the nelk boys as one amalgam three people that you would have dinner with yeah yeah well it'd have to be for me um obama and then which one like jeff barack obama michelle

or not michelle uh oh actually that's perfect so it's barack obama malia obama and jeff rosenberg because i feel awful well no then it's you know two people that kind of know each other i feel like i'm at my best so it's a double date but no one's dating and then we get to no then it's, you know, two people that kind of know each other. I feel like I'm at my best with Rosie. So it's a double date, but no one's dating. And then we get to, no, yeah, it's not a double date, but it's like we have a lot, we have a deeper connection than, you know, three random people. It's like I get to introduce the Obamas to my good friend Jeff. And then they're like, you know, that's like us, a father-daughter bonding thing that happened. I feel like that results, the way you play this game is you've got to... Excuse me, you're typing.

I don't know what you're doing, but I'm still in the middle of my thought. Sorry, yeah. Yeah, no, that's fine. The game of this is to get that second dinner that's not the wish dinner. That's just the four... Quit typing, please.

The four people want to come back and have that additional meal okay do you know what i'm saying and i feel like this sets us up for success and everybody's zoned out billy's the only one that's fucking i love the second dinner i love at the end of the first meal where i'm like i won that i won that little social except for it we have billy are fucking talking we're talking like normal yeah we're we're playing your game all right bad we only have bad tweets left so here we go amir has no one else is gonna do the dinner thing that's from wendy williams the dinner thing did seem interesting but it doesn't seem like

we're gonna and then we'll finish then we'll do the dinner thing i'd rather talk through the dinner stuff uh amir can't stay at an event for more than an hour and a half without feeling anxious that's that irredeemable shit. That was from Avital. No, none of these are true. The Wendy Williams? No way she tweeted about me. If I had a gun with two bullets and was in a room with Amir Blumenfeld and Vlad the Impaler,

I'd pistol whip Amir, beat the shit out of him, and then shoot him dead while Vlad got away. That was from Johnny. Johnny who? Villa? Villa no it's weird that he doesn't want to kill Vlad the Impaler I mean what did he say?

what is that one? I don't know it says Wapas it was trending on my soundboard also people found my soundboard. Also, people found my soundboard. I guess you can use it. So I don't know how they found it, but I saw it on the Discord.

Billy, what about your dinner guests? My dinner guests would be Don, Don Jr. and Eric, I think. Whoa. Yeah. And I think we just have a real frank conversation about how we got to be who we've become and i'd be curious to see where that goes why i mean i could pick jay-z and other billionaires and learn from them or i could step into the fire and see if i can make some actual change in this world it'd be interesting if you flipped the table over at the

dinner like you just have them to dinner so you could take them all out there's something to be said for that i mean there's something to be said for yeah so that's what i'm going i'm going don don jr and eric next question okay uh well amir what's yours come on um come on it's lebron oh yeah lebron ad and russ westbrook i want to get to the bottom of their three man yeah you guys that have so much wine I mean imagine trying to tell your dinner guests that you're

friends with me at the table next to you with Don Don Jr. and Eric like no he's a good guy I swear he's a good guy yeah this is just like this weird hypothetical that came true for him we didn't know Jeff had that power yeah all right well that was uh that was good tweet bad tweet All right. Plugs.

Billy, what do you have going on? What do you want to point the people towards? What an earnest ending to the show. I might cut all of that out. What do I want to plug? No joke. Buckets. Anything on HeadGum,

at Billy Scafuri across socials. And that's it. That's all you have to know. Woo! Amir? Yeah, same. No joke. Buckets. And billy on social media jake uh same no joke buckets follow billy on social media venmo and venmo billy yeah and i'm gonna i'm gonna say no joke buckets everything on head gum and then at Billy Scafuri

on all socials but spell Billy Scafuri G-E-O-F-F-B-O-Y-R-D-E-E on Twitter and then it's G-E-O-F-F-R-E-Y J-A-M-E-S

on Instagram and that's pronounced Billy Scafuri thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of the Head Gum Podcast Billy's gonna kill you look at that fucking

Billy's gonna kill you face. I know where Billy lives. He doesn't know where I live. So come to my house and let's see what happens. Yeah. End it right there. That was a Hidgum Original.