The Headgum Podcast - 78: Wise (w/ Billy Bryk!)

Episode Date: November 26, 2021

Fellow Headgum podcaster Billy Bryk (Lackluster Video) joins Johnny, Amir, and Geoff to discuss Geoff ordering food to Amir's house, Johnny's potential backup careers, and getting WISE! Check out the new Headgum podcast, XOXO, Gossip Kings! BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Singing I love variants. Spent a lot of time in Cape Town, baby. COVID variants. Just took a trip to London town. Ow! My lungs hurt. just took a trip to London town. Ow. My lungs hurt.

Smile till I get up. Are you fucking kidding me? Was it belated? Was the show belated? What? Was the show you passed on belated? What? Was the show you passed on belated? Belated? The theme song was happening.

You can't already, like, come in hot and angry during the opening number. Like, that should be the biggest, highest energy positive moment. And you were yelling at Billy during it. No, because you know what we get on the zoom and billy's like oh i have to pass on an audition which you shouldn't do by the way because all work you can by the way and don't tell me no because that is what happened you just what happened you can do it i'm not saying it's yeah yes yes you just don't tell me no I said don't yell during a theme song you said no because So the note part meant nothing

Bang on a bomber right out of the gates hit me Johnny alright, I Mean it just came out of nowhere that kind of you are already bringing the show down I mean it seems like you and Amir were already in a little tizzy and I felt a little awkward about it. It's not a tizzy. It's just conversation. Conversation can be tense and still be there. I mean, you're not wrong, but this is a comedy podcast.

You should probably probably be a little bit nicer. Did you pass on Untitled Legal Project? Oh, no, I didn't pass on Untitled. Did you read for Untitled Legal Project? Yeah, no, I didn't pass on Untitled. Did you read for Untitled Legal Project? Yeah, well, it was more of a deposition than an audition. What did you do? You had jury duty and you didn't show up or something? Yeah, I had jury duty and I didn't show.

And it's called Passing on Untitled Legal Project. That's a little Hollywood joke for you guys. That's a classic zinger you can tell at a West Hollywood eatery like a Sweet Greens or a Tender Greens or an Erewhon, like a classic LA-style patisserie, deli, katesen restaurant-style cafeteria. Any of these greens. None of those cafeteria any of these greens none of those are any of the things you just said

they're not delis or bakeries okay yeah you can call me daddy Billy you just cut your hair yeah I did and we do these over video now I don't know if you know that you didn't warn me. Yeah, I did. And we do these over video now. I don't know if you know that, but... I did know.

You didn't warn me of that, but I did know that. Okay. You should have told me that, but I did know that that was going to happen. You're saying as a producer, you know... Yeah, as a producer, as a friend. Yeah, just let me know, hey, we're going to be recording this as a video.

But I was aware of that. Major key alert. Catch people off guard to find them at their worst. Terrible. So you didn't learn your lesson. You learned the opposite lesson. That's worse than not learning a lesson. You messed up and then you doubled down to turn it into a life hack.

That was easy. Johnny last week's episode was a hit booba cheeky of it all the comments don't lie they're commending me which is great it feels good they're Camilla commending you

or it should have been Sean Commendez Camilla commending their relationship because they are Splitsville. I don't know. Did you know that? They broke up. Do you think they decided to call it Splitsville at Squaresville?

Probably not. Too niche. Don't. What do you mean it's too niche? It's a vintage store on Vermont. That is really niche. A single store. It's a vintage store on Vermont. Yeah. Now that is really a single store. Yeah. It's a vintage store

in Vermont that you recommended me go to and it was closed twice when I went. They had two separate COVID outbreaks. Yeah, that's true. I don't know why you

did recommend it. I did apologize to them for bringing it there. But I got a shirt that was for the 1996 Atlantalanta olympics so who's really laughing now nobody yeah no one's laughing it's a losing game for everybody i'm just reading about last week's last week's episode headgum's newest hire

gianna joins johnny marika, and Jeff to discuss rice wine. I spelled that wrong, actually. It was supposed to be rye swine. So it was basically like you feed a sow a ton of pumpernickel. Okay. What is this? This is an ambush. Us? You know what you just said, right?

What did you imagine to happen when you made the rye swine feeding a south umber nickel? You wanted the fucking standing ovation? You have to play the audio clip then. I was exalted about it. about it Billy what's new in the life in times of brick not much

I bowled my best game yesterday 200 not even close 70 yeah no 151 it was my best game of like it was okay i kind of blew it at the end but i got off to a really hot start and then um i don't know i'm going back to canada soon why i see a movie tonight um i don't know i don't i'm not loving it in los angeles and

uh i'm gonna be there just for the holidays and then figure out where I'm going to go after that. Oh, LA was semi-permanent. It wasn't like you weren't moving here for real, for good. No, this was me just testing it out kind of for a few months and then maybe longer term depending on, you know. Well, thanks for giving us confidential information so we had to fucking edit that out because are you gonna cut your hair soon jeff no i don't think let's see it

oh oh oh my god holy shit it's so long and you have no end in sight um we're doing these as a video podcast. So you're like playing it up for audio, but most people are going to be watching it. And it's not that long. It's pretty long. Oh my God. It's flowing in the wind.

The sun is setting and kind of just clipping it perfectly. A rim light from behind you. Yeah. You have Fabio style length and girth. Girth. Yeah. So the plan is to just keep it going down past your shoulders. you have Fabio style length and girth girth yeah so the plan is to just keep it going down past your shoulders TBD I think so

they'll probably come a day where I'm sick of it because it is kind of a lot of maintenance but I like being able to like do things with it and women love it Billy do they yeah they like running their little dirty little grabbers

through it gross don't tell us your problem awful and that's the reaction I earned by the way you don't get to play God and decide what reaction there should be to each of your jokes Johnny what's new in the times of Villa play God and decide what reactions there should be to each of your jokes. Johnny, what's new in the Times Villa? Not the life, just the Times. The Times?

It's 543. It's kind of darker in New York a lot earlier now because of daylight savings, which is interesting. Grittier, yeah. It's like a darker, grittier town. I know what you mean. Oh man, you know New York, man. I can tell.

Yeah. Welcome to New York. Welcome to New York. We've been waiting for you. So, yeah, Billy, you should live in New York because if you're at the beginning of where you're going to decide to live, if I could go back and do it over again,

I think I would do New York first because eventually you'll probably have to move to LA. Jeff, you're going to decide to live. If I could go back and do it over again, I think I would do New York first. Cause eventually you'll probably have to move to LA. Jeff, you're like 23 years old. I know, but like came here for college and then I'm going to what? Abandon all my close friends who care about me a lot and do things for me. Even when they forget my birthday.

Was it your birthday recently? No, it was your birthday recently. Recent enough. Yeah. Two weeks, it was your birthday recently. Recent enough, yeah. Three weeks. Three weeks, yeah. Amir? Aren't you moving to New York in like three days?

Yeah, yes. You just said you're not going to abandon all your friends, and I just remember you are moving in like three days. Okay, all right. This is that William N. Brick shit. This is that Nicholasiam n brick shit this is that nicholas style my email yeah yeah again don't dox yourself i don't like they don't know they don't care no one's gonna email me about this now they will and guess what else the fucking out of context twitter thing is probably gonna blast your email to not only the twitter spheres but deviant art johnny style so yeah i guess yeah and also we can bleep it mirror's right

no no no i made my bed i made my bed i'll sleep in good faith ask you to delete my email from the show. I need to deal with the repercussions here. I need to learn about that. Yeah. There needs to be consequences to my actions. I respect that. We talked about this briefly over text, but I've been trying to get wise recently.

And that manifests in various modes of communication not only verbal but non non-verbal and non-violent and uh i thought that maybe we could just take a couple minutes to be wise what does that entail that's not enough of an icebreaker that's not a leaping off point let's go to the new york times let's go to the new york times and we'll talk about one of these articles uh house narrowly passes biden's social safety net and climate bill let's not act like this is progressive legislation not wisdom by the way yeah what's that you're giving us knowledge i guess when it's not really yeah yeah if you want to headlines at us doesn't make news is wise news is wise news is how you get wise because you know the facts ass i would argue that wisdom is more about uh the ability to absorb information it's almost like intelligence versus knowledge

you're just giving us the answers but you're not really enlightening us in a way that lets us enjoy the journey if that makes sense okay right and riddle me this my gpa was 4.12 on a 4.33 scale in high school. What's a 4.33 scale? That's A+. So anything like 97 and up was an A+, and that gave you a 4.333? Yes. So you got, it's just generally half A+, and half As.

Correct. I got a B plus once. Nice. Still not wisdom, I don't think. I think you were just good at taking tests or something. Yes, and that's what I was bringing it up to say, is that knowing just the answers is wisdom and vice versa right the fact that you think that is not why exact opposite

i don't know why you guys always wait for me to fucking facilitate joy i'm wondering if you guys bring your own shit in right last week johnny came really prepared i'm not saying segments this year i'm just saying not this week but i'm saying contribute to the conversation don't wait for me to kind of quarterback it because your key alert do you have one no it sounded like he just fucking said one don't facilitate no it wasn't no it wasn't a major key alert it was a minor note alert it was a major bag alert did you read the receipt of the food i said no i did not read the receipt you know why because it was covered with fucking ants and a squirrel raccoon got to it there was debris all

over my front porch so i didn't read the receipt i didn't get the joke because he sent it to me nobody touched the food forty dollars worth of fast food chicken and fries delivered to my door left for animals to have i couldn't even enjoy it i would have liked to eat chicken but jeff doesn't tell me that it's coming he just orders it it stays on my front porch and the joke is that i find it a day or two later. I have to clean it up because of course there's fucking sauce and fries all over my front yard. And then I throw it away. And then I text Jeff.

Nice. You got me. Animals ate $40 worth of food that you sent me and didn't tell me about. And he goes, major bag alert. Did you read the receipt? No, I didn't tell me about and he goes major bag alert did you read the receipt no i didn't read the receipt just text me a fucking joke you don't have to spend 40 to write it on a card that someone delivers to me and i never read what was the receipt major bag alert it was um so you know postmates sometimes does like um branded deals for like tv shows or major media personalities

okay no but sure like the travis scott burger or? It was, so DJ Khaled has a Postmates partnership right now, and it's another wing. And so I got you the major bag alert, which is, let me just, I really want to cite my sources here. So why didn't you tell me that it was coming? I thought they were going to knock on your door. And then you thought I got it and ate it and didn't tell you anything. No, when I didn't hear from you, I assumed it was at your door.

And then I didn't text you. Major bag alert. 30-piece classic boneless wings with choice of two flavors, regular fries and dips. Wasted. And I did it with, I got the, you loyal lemon pepper sauce and the they don't want you to win truffalo nice so just take a screen grab of that and send it to me you don't have to actually order it have people prepare and drive it over for absolutely nothing did you tip the driver jeff uh yeah i tipped him 15%. Nice.

Nice, yeah. You told him to keep the food. Would have gone to waste, yeah. It would have been great. Absolutely. Just leave the card. Yeah, but then we wouldn't have had this conversation. Let me see if I can pull up the photo.

He would have been like, someone gave me the major bag alert at work. I was having a tough day. It was a long day. And my air conditioning wasn't working in my car. And then I just got this amazing notification that said I could keep the food. It would have been great. Yeah, it would have been much better than this. This is like a 10th, not even, this

is like a 25th of the podcast. This is what I saw the next morning at 9am after walking my dog. I just want to mention that some of their other sauces were Suffering from Success, Sweet Sesame Teriyaki, I Ain't Regular Ranch.

Oh. Yeah. I can't be held accountable. It's your doing. You did this. You admitted guilt. Jeff is just admitting a different problem that he has unrelated to this. I'm incapable of being held accountable for shit.

No, but it is time for a seminal segment that we've been doing every week billy it's uh it's bit sorry okay so yeah you caused that you could have just turned that off at any time wasting precious time or not pressed it bond of the week james or street the sushi place in new york no, James Bond. Every week until the next James Bond is cast, we're going to lob up our casting options for the next James.

This week, I'd like to posit Bill Nye. Why? Because then the movie could be called Golden Nye. No. They're not going to parody their own name. Golden Nye 007. Yeah, not going to parody their own name. Golden Nye 007. Yeah, they're going to put the actor's name in the title for a pun? Is there any precedent for that?

There is none, but you know what? There's no precedent for Pierce Brosnan. He was Irish. He was absolutely irish and now he's trying to sell a beach house mansion in malibu for 100 million i don't know isn't there something with watches and bonds you're into watches is there like a james bond watch connection yeah so the earlier movies it was rolex would supply the watches so that's part of how the submariner got uh became iconic uh and then eventually the partnership changed to omega which is huge for omega because they're a less beloved brand but every time a new bond movie comes out they release a watch that's

in the movie and you can buy it limited edition um and people liked the sea master that they released for this one what is it it? No Time to Die. But it's not my favorite. The loom plots are, it's faux patinaed. Screw you, man. Screw you. It's basically like this kind of of oversized isn't that a bolt shut up i didn't want a bolt so i thought i'd screw you instead are you nuts oh that's good that's a great that's really good yeah uh we do just take a break uh i wish we could

ride that like adrenaline and momentum comedy wise but We do have to take a break. I wish we could ride that, like, adrenaline and momentum comedy-wise, but we do have to take a break and thank some sponsors. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1, just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every day, no exceptions. And it helps me feel, you know, energized, focused, ready to take on the day,

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and then I'll have my coffee. And it gets me set off to take on the day and to be centered and to feel like I did at least one good thing for my health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. And we're back. Let's get the energy up. You guys aren't contributing as much as I'd like you to other than Amir.

Amir's bringing some energy. I don't know where it's coming from. Hopefully it stays going into his weekend and that this doesn't zap it because he always complains that when he does this show, it kind of sucks your creative energy. You said you didn't know where his energy was coming from. It was coming from a very spiteful and hateful place. He was mad that you delivered food food to it to his door yeah uh unannounced and while he was out of the house yeah half anger for you and half of this cold brew that i'm quickly finishing unfortunately

billy did i do something to hurt your feelings you invited invited me to your HeadGum Live show, told me I was on the list, and then I arrived bringing my girlfriend, feeling proud, and I wasn't on the list, and they didn't allow me in. Okur. Okur. Okur. Should we call Finn and have him loop in Millie? Okur.

No, right? For a number of reasons, definitely not. Well, I'll send you some fast food to make up for it. At least let him know that it's there. welcome to backup careers or nah no it's just let me fucking host the show if you're gonna give me this platform i like a mirror you want me to fucking change it on the fly to backup careers or not because it could kind of be like you could have a backup career or you could pursue what you really wanted all along which i think is wise that is wise that's very wise of a mirror yeah well to have a backup and choose to not follow it means that you're thinking about it and it means that you're betting on

yourself in such a way that it doesn't matter you know what the other paths are that you're thinking about it. And it means that you're betting on yourself in such a way that it doesn't matter. You know what the other paths are, but you're just going to stay true to yourself. And in that way, success does, you don't need like financial success or like critical success. Just the fact that you're doing it and pursuing what you really want means

that you're being successful. I think that that's much better. What did you say, Jeff was just backup careers. It doesn't mean anything. So I don't like how wise billy just sounded because it makes me by comparison less wise didn't you want us all to get wise together or something yeah but let me leave the pack please this is backup careers kairi irving slash johnny villa edition why wise so basically it's gonna be i'm gonna list a couple backup careers and then you guys

guess whether that's one that or basically like tell me whether that's suitable for kairi irving who clearly doesn't care about basketball anymore or johnny villa who at a certain point is going to have to kind of get realistic if he wants to have a family get realistic okay fine why don't we just go ahead let's just start basketball coach for underserved youths

see obviously not me I don't have any basketball experience I'm not even like 5'10 I'm not even close to that so I don't have any basketball experience. I'm not even like 5'10". I'm not even close to that. So I don't even know why. You know what? All right, Kyrie Irving. Fine.

Okay. Do we have to guess as well? Yeah. Or are you just waiting to tell us? There's no right or wrong answer here. Yeah. See, why are you asking then? Fine. The right answer is Kyrie

Kyrie Irving great basketball player one of the best talented basketball players probably of all time he'd be a great coach that and his social wherewithal would be amazing in terms of his sort of locker room presence and his locker room presence

would be so helpful to the youth basketball organization. Yeah, he has presence, presence, and prescience. Impressions, you said? Prescience. Because he's not getting this fucking vaccine because he knows what it's going to do to you. Next guy. Just go to the next guy.

Don't start this. RV campsite blackwater attendant. And I'm just going to skip to saying this is Johnny. Why? What kind of experience do I have with that kind of job well the issue is you don't have a lot of experience in general so it's kind of like you can do anything that can be taught in an afternoon part of which would be kind of emptying the sewage from um winnebago's i'm realizing now we sort of skipped over bond of the week right yeah i did notice that too and i had some like

crazy cool answer okay then yeah let's hear you guys bond of the week right yeah i did notice that and i had some like crazy cool answer okay then yeah let's hear you guys bond of the weeks and as we power through this all right uh i my bond of the week would have to be uh someone from bts uh would have to be jimin i think because that's the only one i know but i I think a BTS person would boost the sales for Bond exponentially. And also the fact that we're talking about it right now means the BTS army is going to run this podcast up. That's wise. Yeah.

Thank you. No way. We're all getting pretty wise, except Jeff. Two really wise answers. I've been wise you haven't but yeah two of us two or three of us have been pretty wise yeah totally

Billy what's your bond of the week well I would say we should pick someone that is unexpected a lot of people are talking about maybe making bond a woman or maybe casting a black actor or some people even talk about Americans.

So I think what if we just went against all those conversations and cast a white British male actor like Jack O'Connell, who I think kind of has the look for it. And he was in that movie 71 with Barry Keegan, who's another actor who I don't think would be right for james wand but i just think that it would be surprising and kind of um ballsy of them to just go and give us exactly what we've had in the past that's cool instead of like allowing it to be progressive right going with the grain is the new against the grain yeah exactly yeah that was pretty wise

that's actually really wise. Yeah. Who'd you say, Jeff? That was pretty wise. Who'd you say? I'm not going to do that one. I said Bill Nye the science guy, just in terms of... Yuck. Yeah.

Yeah. Golden Nye. Also, he would be the villain at that point, too. Why not have him be the villain? He could be Golden Nye, and, he would be the villain at that point, too. Why not have him be the villain? He could be Golden Nye. And then he could be playing himself turned evil. Instead, he's playing James Bond. But the pun is a villain's name and the actor's name.

It doesn't make any sense at all. There's no way they would do that. Yeah. I just was thinking in terms of merchandising opportunities. What merchandising opportunities? T-shirts watches just say golden nigh golden nigh sick joke that you have yeah give it up the other thing it would be like posters like it's so easy kind of the slogans write themselves it could be like the next bond is nigh oh my god I have fucking hives from you I think

Amir who's your bond of the week Billy that actually is if they're gonna go white British guy this is probably the best pick anyone's had the past couple weeks is Jack O'Connell or Bill Nye Bill Nye could be awesome but Jack O'Connell or Bill Nye Bill Nye could be awesome but Jack O'Connell

Amir who's your bond of the week let's go with coming off of Space Jam 2 I'd love to see a LeBron James bond yeah LeBronames hell yeah

yeah he's already tall and hot and like athletic so like he can do some real cool and what if bond has to dunk a bomb at the end of the game or a chase down LeBlanc's James at the end of the game. So it's like a guy putting a bomb in the rim and LeBron fucking dun dun dun dun dun they use the Mission Impossible theme. Mission Impossible theme?

Yeah. Swatting it out of the way. He changes his number to 007. That's really good. They've already sold all the jerseys yeah yeah you should pitch that i could get on board with lebron yeah le bond james in the movie he'll have like a little livestrong style bracelet and it'll say just a kid from pet bottom is that where he's from yeah what's that it's like the emoji lebron always uses oh yeah the praise hands yeah yeah that's pretty good i guess we could get is it is it m or q who's like the

both q's the tech guy m's the kind of head of mi uh six yeah so q's not the old lady character then i mean m's not the old lady care m is it's m sorry q is the bus genie bus can be can be m yes yes isn't one of them from mission impossible m and q are both bond yes Yes. MI6 is Mission Impossible 6. Yeah. MI6 is what we call Mission Impossible 6. That's the fucking joke of the episode. You have to start awarding that shit now. I think LeBond James is the joke of the episode.

Either way, Billy's taking on the hardware. I feel like Amir was about to say LeBond James is the joke of the episode. Either way, Billy's taking home the hardware. I feel like Amir was about to say LeBond James, though, and I kind of stole it. But I didn't, and that means I'm getting a step slow. Thank you for... Do you know that highlight, and I'm sure you do, and I could be wrong, but when they try and get the ball to Kobe at the end of the game

and then Nick Young caught it and then shot it and hit the buzzer beater? Yeah, and it went in, right? Yeah, and he hit the gameer beater yeah and it went in right yeah and he and he hit the game winner that's what that was you were you were setting you had it the clock was winding down you were turning the corner getting to your spot and then i kind of intercepted the pass from my own teammate and then shot a terrible three and somehow banked it history will only remember nick young and forget kobe bryant though i already don't know who kobe

is i might uh i'm not gonna say it i had a different segment planned in place of this one that we're still in the middle of uh that was basically about how the diana princess diana musical got uh just absolutely reamed by the new york times theater critic because as exploitative and bad and so i was gonna say what what else could we what other tragedies could we exploit for money um but it was all too dark disgusting yeah um let's keep it going here we'll kind of like power through the rest of this uh please power power through uh full-time social activist i think kairi would be good at that um i couldn't hear because the full-time social activist i think kairi would be good at that johnny on the other hand i think could be a sex worker whose clientele is mostly self-hating

republican homophobes so like you get basically turned inside out by josh hawley and then he'll like go across the street to the capital and still pass anti-lgbt legislation it sounds awful yeah it's turned inside out why why that visual the fuck is wrong with you man turn to side out turn me inside out turn me out uh i think johnny could also be good as the last remaining pony express courier so like cash him in like eastern oregon like hauling ass on an ass to get like one fucking scroll to a librarian in ashland i can definitely foresee myself becoming a becoming that yeah you know how like at the end of a high school day it's like 2 43 or something and like the

teacher is still talking and it's like i'm just fucking seconds away from the weekend and the teacher's like actually like let me start this next chapter like that's what this is like the fact that we do this on a friday afternoon is a very specific form of intellectual torture on the guests specifically because people can just listen to it whenever they want the fact that you're like grabbing our ankles as we're trying to like get away from you and enjoy our time on a friday night and we have to hear what was it fucking Johnny would be a activist or whatever the hell or Kyrie or like what is that what is that how did you think that why did you think of that Kyrie or Johnny not only are you grabbing us grabbing our ankles and trying

to every time we're trying to leave even even here, we're having conversations on the side and we're having a little bit of fun and I can feel the energy kind of creeping upwards. But then you kind of chime in and then all of a sudden, you just ruin the entire experience. Yeah, you're poisoning the well. You're souring the dessert. you're poisoning the well you're souring the dessert you're like you're allergic to having a good time and when this show accidentally hits a stride through literally despite what you're trying to do you put the kibosh on all of it like spider-man stopping a train try as you might trying to like grind any momentum that we're figuring out to an absolute halt you suck yeah i mean what do you what can i say i can't

be any more plain than that you're not you're not good and you're not wise and i think that's the real nail in the coffin nor do i think he's capable of being wise like do you know what i mean like yeah like a lot of people can figure it out or like get to a point where they can set themselves up for wisdom oh my god yeah yeah jeff is a wafer he's an empty vessel he's a dry he's a jicama like what is that root vegetable on my fucking plate it's the it's the clear foamy beige one right you are jicama yeah oh my god now i'm feeling like the energy creeping up we're kind of bonding over this yeah like yeah it's weird like the wisest thing that jeff could do is just give up on being wise but he's so incapable of being wise in any way that

he'll always be in pursuit of it and he'll never be able to get it exactly find some solace if he just accepted himself as this empty loser in a losing game and just moved on tried to live in the moment or something but he's he can't even do that he's balsa he's a balsa wood a hikama man an empty coffin yeah he's a thin hollowed out vessel of a nothing it's so and he doesn't even get it like it's crazy it's so fucked up that's like the fucking that's enough you had your fun you talked about wafers you talked about radishes no I did not

this is my show I didn't say a radish I'd love to eradicate you I'd take to eradicate you. Dude, this is what we're talking about. I'd take out a gun. And a turnip. That was really hurtful.

Let's move on. That was easy. That was easy. and smile let's get into it again smile smile everybody smile come on you guys are undirectable don't tell us to smile welcome to michael or buster what an addition this is 40 minutes starting a new segment by the way we skipped a segment

there was gonna be two more segments after this yes michael or buster keaton edition here we go I'm going to list some quotes and you have to attribute them to the right Keaton. Michael or Buster. You imagine thinking you're going to hear the plug section and then just like now it's time to start playing Michael or Buster the Keaton edition. This is what I'm talking about, man. A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny. Diane.

Holy shit. You got my one trick question slash pony. Here we go. I took my play very seriously You got my one trick question slash pony. Here we go. I took my play very seriously, and I got way, way lost in my play world. Got to be Michael. Correct. Batman said that.

All my life, I've been happiest when the folks watching me say to each other, look at that poor dope, will ya? Buster. Correct! These are easy so far. They say pantomime's a lost art. It's never

been a lost art and never will be because it's natural to do. Michael? Okay. Buster Keaton said pantomiming is never a lost I'll give you that one because he did say it but in this specific instance it's actually

me quoting him to this day I have the most fond memories of some of my old toys. Michael. Correct. Yeah. Guys never really get over their toys.

Michael. He's obsessed with toys. In our family, my brothers and i shared toys in other words just because it was mine didn't mean my brothers and i didn't play with it together this definitely sounds this is typical michael keaton correct you know michael keaton's real name is Michael Douglas? I did know that. Because of Michael Douglas, yeah. Did you know that Albert Brooks' real name is Albert Einstein? That's right.

But he had to change it because of Albert Einstein? And now he's more famous than Einstein will ever be. Yeah, exactly. Not really. And his brother is Super Dave Osborne, who recently passed away. Marty Funkhauser on Curb. Funkhauser, yeah. And together they started Brooks Brothers.

And Einstein Brothers Bagel. That's enough of the goofs, though. Let's get serious here. Plugs. Comedy podcast. A lot of these. Oh, that's it? I feel like we're just getting started i sped

through cutting it in one i skipped us three should start a podcast that's really funny the wise bros yeah that's great the vowels because we're a e i o u and sometimes wise that's really good that's really funny mute yourself on it mute yourself jeff i would listen to your guest on it we're trying to talk right now the vowels are gonna sort of wax for the next few a lot don't specify how often you want to be on there just duly noted it's not gonna happen it doesn't have to be every week but it could be fun if it's like because like we could sort of play with the fact that like you know we're talking about wisdom like i'm 38 but i feel like a 21 year old you

guys are like in your early jeff i'm talking you guys are in your early 20s and maybe you feel more wise so it's like this like play on like who's teaching who about what we can both like sort of guide each other through like yeah different the different ends of like you know being like a classic like 20 to 40 year old so we can like learn about pop culture like you know i can teach you about fucking property taxes and you can teach me about like you know in more important shit like tiktok trends or what clothes cool kids are jeff stop please i didn't say anything you were laughing giggling like your laugh is distracting yeah yeah it was kind of loud in my ears like i'm just like chuckling it cuts through though i think it's a good idea i'm being positive to you

you're making me want to rethink this with your enthusiasm well i feel like you're not the target audience and if you're really responding to it i feel like maybe we're doing something wrong now billy's starting to second guess the podcast because you kind of because i chuckled because i kind of laughed just having you on board yeah i don't know if i want to do it anymore either. Yeah. I thought we had something fun. Yeah.

You know how like if someone's smart is like, oh, you're really smart. Like then it like boosts you. But like it means a lot. Yeah. But the fact that you're like, oh, I love this idea. It just kind of proves that it's a terrible idea. Yeah. Like when the biggest idiot, you know, is like, wow wow you're just like me and you know this is a famous story that when jeff i'm talking there's this famous story jeff one second there's this famous story that when ben affleck and matt damon were pitching

goodwill hunting and trying to get um funding for it they put in a sex scene between them that was like uh just like a really really out of place sex scene obviously and then anytime a producer would be like oh we love the script they know that they weren't reading it properly and they were not the right fit and then when someone would go oh i don't know about this sex scene they go okay you're paying attention so we could go all four of us to pitch to different places and if they are like yeah it sounds good then we'll know that they're not the right fit but if they go whoa this jeff guy doesn't really fit then we know they really get it you know what i mean yes he's like so obviously like a canker sore on the idea that like anybody who's worth a damn will realize that and ask us to take him out exactly yeah first. In the world of the vowels, Jeff's an F.

Yeah. Because he's consonantly like pissing us off. Exactly. We should totally have guests on this podcast. Like the three of us. Yeah. That would be really dope. I would love to be one.

I would love to be one of them. Yeah. Like someone really funny and like smart and wise. I think I'm some of those. What about Riley for the pilot? It's called the Riley Pile. The Pile with Riley. It could be like the Jeff experiment. I think I have her phone.

Oh my god, what about Jeff's roommate George? Oh my god. That would be an insane get. I don't have George's contact information. I could DM him on Insta. Oh yeah. No, I don't like any of this. I don't like George's contact information, but I'd probably I could DM him on Insta. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I don't like any of this. I don't like any of this.

I guess we could get Mr. James in there for like one episode. Just dad. Yeah, that would be fun. Sort of like the wisdom of James. We can call that segment. That's what I would want to call a segment. Or Jeffrey's mom. Jeffrey's sister, too. everyone in my family except me

what what other guests could be are you still here that's the question that stumped you at jeffrey james on instagram at jeff boy already on twitter you guys plug your stuff i'm gonna i'm gonna go oh my god yeah finally the vowels can sort of fucking scream yeah this is like the podcast right now there was like a high-pitched ringing every time i guess jeff now he's muted i can't hear it he gave me tinnitus he gave me tinnitus tinnitus tonight yeah that's really funny joke of the fucking episode it feels like i feel like i had something removed like a boil from my back you know it feels like i can like stand up like when the hangover ends and you're just like

ah let's fucking party like that's how i feel like when you go see the hangover and you're just so stoked afterwards and you just want to go party. That's another great joke that Jeff would have stepped. He'd have been like, yeah, or like a fucking the time where I gave a bagel to a fucking dwarf. And he would be like, yeah, chuckle, chuckle, king or something like that. And we'd all be like, what the fuck are you doing? Like that was kind of funny because you can't even do like when you're doing Jeff. It's funny.

You can't. Yeah, you can't go down like even when you're doing jeff it's funny you can't like yeah you can't go down there yeah yeah you know how like you're likening being on this podcast with jeff to like the like waiting for the end of the school day yeah like watching the clock yeah right now it's like it feels like summer yeah it's like summer yeah when he left i heard a fucking school bell go off but it was like yeah it was almost like a beautiful melody. It wasn't like the, it was almost just like the beautiful tone of his silence. It was like the homework of papers flying down, people throwing their binders up, throwing everything schooled out.

Yeah. Yes. Almost a graduation. Like it feels like that podcast as we knew it is over. Right. Yeah. This is sort of and like this is sort of like this is like the berlin wall falling down a new era like the post yeah the post-pandemic world this feels like that that that that like when you can finally go in public and take that mask off

for the first time that first breath of like oh this is the air that i've been missing out on that filtered through this dirty thing scrunched up in my pocket yeah that's jeffrey's a dirty mask and his exit from this podcast is a booster shot with 100 efficacy like we're at a party in the street i'm ready to kiss a fucking sailor in times square because he's finally gone great um all right plugs yeah you know this is great uh insta hey man yes okay he's gone yeah thank god yeah i'm just uh yeah i'm on all the socials search me there uh okay bloomer on tiktok trying to like get back in there like trying to get the creative juices flowing again it's been a while but i think i'm ready to i think i'm ready to be funny again

i don't know i feel like that i got that sense from you not that you weren't being funny before but there's something holding you back and now it felt like i was on a treadmill where like every time i would take like rest it would like push me back jeff was sort of like this wind in my face. I'm, uh, I'm also sorry. I, you,

I think cut out. I hate to interrupt you. No, yeah, go for it. Just cause we're in Jeff's zoom still that my connections a little bit off. He's sort of like, yeah, he's ruining the bandwidth for,

I think my internet's slower now because I'm, uh, I have a, a small part in the ghostbusters movie that just came out as we're recording it today. If you guys want to check that out. That's amazing. It doesn't make sense, but

I feel like if Jeff were here, that scene would be cut. Yeah, I think so too. It doesn't make sense. And yet I understand exactly what that means like it's one of those things that it's like a weird feeling like deja vu where you can't really explain it but you know it's like there yeah we're all feeling like he would somehow bend

time space in a way to make it retroactively gone or something in a weird way i feel like if i had never met jeff i would be on the posters for Ghostbusters. I feel like I'd be the lead. Yes. But that's neither here nor there. I'm over it now. We've moved past it. And moving forward, I think it's going to open up a lot of new opportunities for me. That's cool.

Yeah. That's so exciting. Yeah. Johnny? Nice. Yeah. So, you can follow me on Instagram at JohnnyV, J-O-H-N-N-Y-V-I-I. follow me on instagram at johnny v j-o-h-n-n-y v-i-i and uh you can also follow me on tiktok too uh at hey j-ville hey j-ville v-i-l-l classic yeah classic j-ville i have a feeling you're

gonna get a lot more followers yeah i don't know they're just something you're gonna go you're gonna go V-I-I-R-A-L I think oh that's really funny oh my god what was that did you guys hear that no I just felt like a shiver down my spine what was that

I keep hearing it sorry some demented voice cans just trying to okay i think it's the fuck i'm hearing it again um normal voice yeah i don't feel i don't he's muted okay oh okay uh all right sweet um another great episode well yeah another probably quarter of a great episode and yeah thank you to anybody that survived the first fucking 25 miles of that slog um because the last mile was worth it i feel like i have a runner's high from finishing runners wise really good uh all right see uh see you next week everybody goodbye everybody the vowels together everybody oh fuck me That was a Hidgum Original.