The Headgum Podcast - 8: Doxxing Marty

Episode Date: July 10, 2020

Engineer Mike, Marty, Amir, and Geoff discuss Marty's personal information, Jortal Kombat, and Geoff's resume of lies.Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fmRate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Please welcome to the... I'm happy for you. Sorry, let me get the intro out first, right? Before we start. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Why? Go for it. What do you mean, why?

I don't know. Seems like we're flowing pretty natural right now. We're jumping each other's lines. Amir's eating, what is it? Cheez-Its? Chex Mix, yeah. Marty Michael, HeadGum's co-founder, and Mike Comete, HeadGum's main producer, head of audio. Did I get those titles right?

Because I'm usually left out of the loop on this shit. Michael, give me the slide whistle. Yeah. Really good. Hey, everyone. Yeah, Marty, would you like to introduce yourself, say some things that people might or might not know about you? Oh, God. Well, you nailed it, so we're good.

He's shy. How many times do you think I can play that sound effect before it gets boring? What are some things that people don't know about me? I feel like you guys could do a better job answering that than i can marty's exact street address is that really shouldn't be something we talk about most people all right i assume know that already right no i'll beep that out and then mike you live in brooklyn heights yeah do the paul giamatti thing where you talk about how i live near paul giamatti okay so every time Mike Comate

says that he lives in Brooklyn Heights, I'm like, oh, Paul Giamatti lives there. Cool, yeah. That's good. It's a good bit. Have you seen him? I have seen him, yeah. Have you seen Giamatti? Yeah, that's cool. I have. I've walked behind him down the street and people stop and stare at him and he kind of just waves at him. He's wearing shorts. Shorts? On those gams?

I was just going to say, he's got some thick gams. Yeah yeah he strikes me as someone with really large calves yes yes they're massive uh mike would you like to talk about what you do at the network since people might not be familiar no i i jump on zoom calls and then um listen to people record audio that i have no control over at all. That's really... But then you have all the control. Then I have all the control afterwards. You're sort of a documentarian, because you can make someone look... You can cancel someone, almost.

In a way. I can. I can, but I made a pledge to myself a long time ago that I would never alter the... On the day of your father's death. That's the weirdest pledge. I just realized the crazy amount of power that I had and that, you know, I really,

I would never use it for wrong or evil. Right. Whereas Amir, you consistently make Jake sound horrible on a fire. Yeah, so I'll edit his dialogue to make it sound like he's saying things that are a little right of center, controversial, and then I'll like pick and choose where to place them in.

And like, after we're done recording i can always be like wow did you really mean that like i'll record that by myself and then i'll copy and paste what he said yeah that way i can sort of create a narrative that makes him look um i don't want to say cancelable because that's sort of like yeah yeah i want him to make i want to i want for him to be bad and for me to be good. In the public eye. Yes, in the public eye. In the court of public opinion, I want him to be guilty is what I'm trying to say. So admittedly, I've never listened to this podcast, but if this is what it's about, we should definitely stop recording this show okay so Mike I'm gonna say a sentence and then you can you do like a bomb drop sound effect

like that kind of thing oh I can probably like yeah I can do that okay Marty Mike in a mirror welcome to the Thunderdome so that wasn't

I think you must have hit the wrong button but um i'll let it slide it's like a symbol it's like a gong a gong is kind of like a thunder dome thing like you'd hear that in the thunder dome probably no so this is what more what i was looking at and i'll add this in post welcome to the thunder dome and then they'll be like no so not just two snares right okay that's basically with this show um i accost people in their ears i put people on the spot in various ways with conversation starters that are off color off kilter and uh people do their best to make something salvageable out of it and then ferris kind of polishes it up.

Okay. The opposite of ASMR. I noticed that Ferris usually doesn't cut the things, though, that you tell him to cut. Is that? Yeah, I mean, we have a bad working relationship is the only thing. It's like, you know, because he doesn't listen to my notes, but then, like, Amir will say, cut this out,

and then you don't even hear that because he does. It's sort of like a fun little cat and mouse game that we play with each other yeah ferris leaped this in yeah based on recording the show it feels like he's just probably doing his best right right no no and that's what that's what everyone else at the network says um and and the point of this show is to kind of let people in on the inside workings of the company getting them you know the gears the cogs that are working to kind of get that premium audio content in their ears every day, every week consistently. But what they don't know is that Mike is consistently annoyed by me talking about Giamatti when he's the one who sees Giamatti.

Whereas Marty shaved his head in what, April? And I didn't let him hear the end of it. It's true. That's something that people might not know about me is that i let you give me a hard time usually now usually i come up with some i think they're pretty good conversation starters but they usually get a groan every time or a pause and then amir starts cracking up because he's like why are you asking this is that accurate yeah you'll say like uh um it feels like a mad lips game you're like imagine a car but instead of wheels their stop signs or something like that that's actually

really good no it's not i was giving an example of a terrible thing you might say so then like it usually results in silence and then i'll either laugh because it doesn't make any sense so you'll be like imagine a fucking soup so thick you can only eat it for breakfast. Something like that, right? Something that doesn't make any sense. Imagine a soup so thick you bite it instead of drink it. Yeah, right. See, that's another example.

Welcome to the Thunderdome. Oh, you wanted a thing there? Yeah. There we go name a number between 1 and 200 and i'll give you a question that correlates okay 43 really okay i didn't Okay, I didn't think you were going to say that one. I only have 1 through 50. That is 1 through 50. Well, 1 through 50 of 50 questions but they're all numbered strangely.

1 through 200. Fine. Just do a base 50s. What's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen? I actually saw something really heartwarming the other day on Instagram. It was Pau Gasol's birthday and he visited Kobe Bryant's family and hung out with his children because they consider him an uncle now. So they went from teammates to Pau now being a surrogate family member after Kobe's passing. I thought that was very heartwarming.

Was that a recent photo or an old photo? I think it was recent. No mask? Nothing? Just hanging out with kids? He's been quarantined, and they were indoors, so he was playing it as safe as possible. I mean, I think outdoors is better, so I don't know why you said indoors. Quarantined in Spain though, right? So he did travel internationally

and didn't get tested before seeing them. Yeah, no, he was coming in from Mallorca, Spain. He was partying. There was like a music festival out there and then he went straight to Kobe's family and sort of quarantined with them, which I thought was sweet. Nine cheez-ts in a row.

Marty, what's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen? Ever? No. Okay. I don't really have a heart. Right. No, that's evident for sure. I have trouble processing emotions.

That's something people probably don't know about me. All right. Let's really dig into this. Marty, are you seeing anybody uh i i'm not gonna talk about that on this podcast i don't think okay just say her name and then we can move on i'll bleep it out i'll leave it out but it doesn't like just say it for to open up to us because that because when you open up and let me i just want to be clear about this when you open up the rest of us feel comfortable but you're kind of like you can feel your energy you're tightening up i said i had 15 minutes to talk to you about business stuff and you said yeah go ahead just hit this

voice recorder on your phone and jump into the zoom room this is yeah we all just load your load load your bank account i want to see what's in your checking and that'd be great yeah can you share your screen all right here let's go savings first let's go capital one performance savings highest apy in the game and then we'll go we'll switch over to checking all right i mean sure i guess it seems a little seems like a lot but he's doing it mike let's get the bank account sting oh that was not the foghorn I was expecting it to be, but I guess we're stuck with it. Marty keeps his money on international waters on a barge.

It actually was all in the Titanic. It was kind of a bummer. Didn't they do a Titanic 2? Are you kidding me? The boat or the movie? The boat, dude. They did a Titanic 2 in Roman numerals and people like floated on it in 97 or something. I hope so.

That's when the movie came out. Are you saying they made a sequel to the boat after the success of the film? Yeah, it was a 2010 disaster movie. Let me get a number crunch on this. Let me get a number crunch on this. Titanic 2 is a planned ocean liner to be a functional modern-day replica of the Olympic-class RMS Titanic. The new ship is planned to have a gross tonnage

of 56,000 tons, while the original ship... Oh, that's so gross. That's a really gross tonnage, actually. I think they mean more just like before, you know... It's disgusting. Yeah. For tonnage, I mean they mean more just like before you know it's disgusting yeah that's for tonnage i mean perfect timing i think right now for a cruise right well that's what i'm saying a cruise name the titanic more than anything 2020 is a perfect year for titanic

2 i've always said that because our year is kind of sinking you know what i mean like the iceberg that we hit is is covid obviously nice yeah marty let's get a number between one and two hundred 143 all right 144 what do you only had 50 why did you ask us to do what you only have 50 right so i have 50 questions number two so say what's the number between one and 50 which by the way i did i said 43 and you said that wasn't one of them 43 i ended up reading what was 17 right but it was the 43rd one 43rd out of what it's this is all arbitrary and it's not the point of the game mike do you see what this is how they fucking handle this shit you're on my side obviously 143 is what do you strongly suspect but have no proof of and you can't say that this woman that you refuse to name is cheating on you because that's a guarantee.

Why is it a guarantee? Absolutely. Can you repeat the question? I got sidetracked by your absolute horseshit. What do you strongly suspect but have no proof of? Amir is leaving for this. He's closing the door what is he about to say

it's so controversial I don't want anybody to hear this shit is it because you're going to say something controversial or intimate or is it just that you think it's bad so strongly suspect but cannot prove well I suspect there are probably a lot of NBA players that have tested positive for COVID that haven't told anybody and are going to be heading to the bubble. This bubble thing is bound to be a disaster. Amir, what are your thoughts on that as a basketball fan?

Yeah, there's a high chance that this whole thing crumbles. The bubbles burst, as it were. Nice. the bubbles burst as it were nice um but i think the data as to who tested positive like getting reported to the league and then to woge or shams feels accurate to me i don't think players are lying or teams are lying about the amount of people i wonder how accurate the tests are and if people are doing tests on their own and that if they did test positive if they would actually tell anybody because they're all asymptomatic who are you guys's picks for testing positive yeah i like the rockets and six that means six people of on their team test positive eric gordon for sure clint capella is going to be asymptomatic he's young

and spry for sure but james harden's gonna get it through his eyes for sure. For sure. Wasn't the whole thing that if you have a beard, like the mask does nothing because it doesn't cover your mouth. Mike, do you follow the NBA at all? You're a Brooklyn Nets fan. This is the moment my dad told me about when I was a kid, when I'd have to talk about sports in front of people and I wouldn't be able to do it. Yeah.

And this also isn't just in front of like three people this is in front of 10 000 plus oh yeah and he was like you should just read the newspaper and read the sports section so that you have something to talk about with other people and what were you doing what was i doing at the time yeah like so he so your dad is talking to you while you're doing something what is that is that kind of like i was this could have just been to a car ride or something like that just just sage advice from my dad just being like oh you're gonna need to talk about sports someday you should probably here's oh I was probably like can I play Mortal Kombat please instead I see my video video games

instead of sports I was only allowed 30 minutes of video games but I wanted to play many more minutes than that do you play many more now no you. You're not really a gamer? No, I mean like I'll play. You and I have talked about Kingdom Hearts before. We have, which I have a whole segment based on that. Oh, good. Yeah. It's going to be the most confusing segment on any podcast ever.

Mike, how do they police your 30 minutes? Is it like a stopwatch or is it like a vague thing? It's like, come on, it's been more than 30 instead a timer in the kitchen real timer whoa yeah an actual timer it would go off and then if the system wasn't turned off you know within a reasonable amount of time after that then punishment would ensue holy god what if you're in the middle of a mortal combat fight those things last like 90 seconds tops you really don't have a good excuse but if you're on a good run maybe like if you're if you're like on your way to the shao khan this is more combat too so shao khan was the ultimate boss in that game of course my uh so what did somebody dm'd me the other day with uh a photoshopped image and instead of mortal

combat it was jordle combat and so it was scorpion wearing uh for lack of a better term guess what is it about that guess jeans oh he thinks to guess what he was wearing so it's jeans mortal combat yeah exactly right jorts on a scorpion in a match with a flask in a mask mortal combat they were all ahead of the curve with this covid shit because they all wore those kinds of the cloth masks really i thought about that the other day i my face mask is blue right and i sub-zero is my favorite And when I was like seven or eight years old, I just wanted to wear a face mask like Sub-Zero's all day. But now I get to do it every day and it's actually horrible.

So this COVID thing is actually your fault. You manifested this. I did. With your desire for a blue mask. I wished for it as a seven-year-old and look where we are now. Do you still remember the fatalities, like the combo that you needed to do to get a fatality? I never successfully did a fatality.

Wow. Ever. What about a babality, where you turn your opponent into an infant? They didn't have that on Mortal Kombat 2 for Game Boy original. Wow. All you had was fatalities in that game. They hadn't made...

Do you remember the... I think We Hate Movies talks about this a lot another head gum podcast uh but they talk about like the the nudalities yeah do you have a kid in like your class or something it was like oh i know the cheat code to make like the people get naked on the screen or whatever and they would just never be able to tell you it we hate movies talks about it i feel like way too much but it's just like it always one kid who would just lie and make up this thing. Like, oh, I just can't get it right this time or something like that. You know?

Yeah. Very perverted. Disgusting. Yeah. Gross tonnage. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, if you had an extra hour in your day, a lot of people would spend that very differently than the one sitting next to them.

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first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that again that's drinkag1.com slash what's that check it out have you guys ever gone blue in a blue mask what do you mean like have you ever said something a little uncouth a little off the cuff but uncouth while wearing something blue don't make the face like you asked us an interesting question yeah i'd love to hear i'd love to hear your answers the answer is obviously no move on really it's good only because you don't wear blue well yeah i go blue either way it's just whether or not i'm wearing it i'm wearing black and gray as we squeak uh my number between one and 200. So you mean one in 50?

No, one in 200. And then it'll be one of 50 questions or it won't be a question. Keep in mind that 43 and 143 are already taken. I'm just going to choose 43 again then just to see what happens. I'm kind of curious. So there's two 143s and here's the second one. What bends your mind every time you think about it? The question is, what bends your mind every time?

We heard you, man. That's why we don't like it. It was so clear. What does it mean to you, Jeff? To me, it's like, I can't even fucking fathom that you know what i mean like tongue out when you say that it's like you know what i mean so for me it's like when i think about what if i wasn't born you know like i can't even what would i be experiencing or what i have never experienced anything my consciousness my spirit my mind is what it is of me.

But if I hadn't been, then it wouldn't have gotten to the place that it is at where I am now. You know what I mean? Like I'm thinking right now and I'm like off the cuff and I'm thinking about the next thing I'm going to say or not. And like if I hadn't been. Or not. Definitely or not. If I hadn't been born. You're definitely not thinking about the next thing you want to hear. It bends my mind.

It just bends my mind. Mike's going to change his number. Yeah, let's just do, let's do 147. Ooh, good number. That was my second choice. What's something horrible that everyone should try at least once? Kale. Sorry, not my question.

Working in the service industry. Pretty good. I worked at a cafe called Lemon Falls in high school in Sugar and Falls, Ohio. I worked at a cafe called Lemon Falls in high school in Sugar and Falls, Ohio. And I made horrible coffee for weeks before my dad came in, pride in his eyes and said, I'll have a cappuccino from my son. And I brewed him the most bitter, watery coffee. And he pulled me aside physically and said,

Jeffrey, this is, have you been serving coffee like this? I said, yeah. He said, this is really bad. And I and i was like hmm what am i doing wrong do you think and he's like i don't remember what the issue was but i remember going to my supervisor and saying i we owe a lot of people a lot of money in coffee and i was it seems like a it seems like a training problem right but like you as a 16 year old you're not supposed to know how to make a cappuccino who taught you wrong yeah devin taught me and he was sort of this like curmudgeonly um protestant and so he what he did was he like ran me through it very fast because he also had to go make the short rib and um i just didn't what's that why'd you specify what kind of christian he was of Christian he was?

Oh nothing He was just like a Lutheran Or whatever So basically he like Packed the beans He grinded them And then packed it But he did it so fast

That there's no way I could have known And then also like On Sundays he would go to like St. Monica's Lutheran church On Bell Road And so I would sort of

Track him Don't out his religion I'm not outing it It's not I would sort of track him. Don't out his religion. I'm not outing it. It's not bad. Also, don't track him. No, I know. I was a kid.

Like Amir said, I'm 16. I'm not supposed to know how to make a cappuccino. I'm not supposed to know that you're not supposed to follow people. One of those is right. Yeah. You are supposed to know you're not supposed to follow people. Marty, another number? Wow, skipping Amir altogether. i'll go with number one number one is no fun but fine oh this is interesting you just said it was bad what shows

what shows what show are you into right now and what part would you play on that show oh uh i just finished the show devs um it was great i'm super into it and i would definitely play the uh the set uh i would play Nick Offerman. I was going to say that. Yeah, kind of like the, I mean, as I see him, a genius forward thinker, creating a large business, employing thousands of people, and doing good in the world. You only employ like 12 people and not well consistently.

First of all, so far, second of all, you're fired. So make it 11. So you employ even less. Amir and Mike, what are your answers?

And you can go at the same time. I'll just choose whichever one's better and then cut the other one. If you dare cut mine, swear to god i'm yeah i'll wait for mike dancer so we could talk at the same time this is oh yeah a weird way to do it so right now i'm re-watching seinfeld freaks and geeks because avital hasn't seen a bunch of the episodes um my girlfriend erin has never seen freaks and geeks either and uh she's really enjoying it i kind of see her in every single character on the show 30 and uh like she's all the all the freaks and all the geeks at the same time i think that if i had to play a character on freaks i had to play a character i would probably have to be she says

aaron says i'm the guy in the in the background in one of the lab scenes she says look it's Mike and it's a little high school boy who sort of looks like me and that's probably who I would be in that show because I'm just sort of in the background all the time those were both perfect answers I'm gonna keep both

Amir you would be George Mike you would absolutely be a high school boy um which is insanely insulting that your your life partner says that i'd be an extra and i would be extra on extras i'll go because none of you guys have offered me the chance to go and i'm gonna go with four oh no question there all right moving on back to mike yeah that one was blank shit and i made this list this is so fucked wait how come you're not

answering any of the questions or the last question that we just did oh because i'm the host um you told us how your mind was bent though well i keep talking about it and people have started memeing it on reddit but i am watching what we do in the shadows i just finished it but i would love to play uh laszlo no what do you mean no no you'd be like to play the servant or whatever the familiar just because yeah whatever because you want me to be a lackey so that you can watch it? No, you'd be the one from Lehigh who only lasts an episode and gets killed. Who the hell's from Lehigh? The Virgin? Remember the intern they get?

No. He plays like one, maybe two episodes actually. But I laughed so hard because they reviewed his resume and it said he was from Lehigh University. It's like, why? It was great. That writer's room is great. And of course they would do Lehigh University. It's like, why? It was great. That writer's room is great. And of course they would do Lehigh. So Marty, I know that you're going to bring it up at some point.

Do you want to talk about your Lehigh years? Yeah, I know. Things people probably do know about me is that I went to Lehigh University. I was a Division I athlete in multiple sports. So cross country, track and field, and indoor track and field. So I know I've said it before, so hopefully everyone already knows. Yeah, I think they do. Marty's shopping for a house right now.

It was all four years. What's that? It was all four years. Okay, because you paused when you were finished, and then as soon as I started to talk again, you kind of started up again. It was almost like you were waiting for that. Yeah. Long pause.

Marty's shopping for a house right now, and he sent me a listing and was like, is this walkable? And it's the only thing that separates. It's only two blocks from a lot of things. But the thing that separates it is the steepest street in L.A. And I think you should go for it. Because if you're this D1 athlete all four years, why not? Well, I mean, that was a long time ago, first of all. Second of all, not shopping for a house.

Casually browsing. And third of all... Is this street Baxter? Oh, yes. Yeah, but don't say it. Why? You could say that Baxter is a steep street. In fact, you've been grilling Marty all episode.

This is like the least invasive thing I've ever said. Baxter is a steep street. You're telling me that's where you draw the line? Absolutely. And now that we know you like to follow people, I'm a little more worried than I've ever been about you disclosing my address. No, I only follow people who are like,

like I said, Lutheran. Oh, you're outing my religion now martyrs marty michael is a martyr michael as in you'll die for the cause of head gum sure jeff i i've been eating and muting on the zoom but i don't think it's been muting like my actual recording so you're oh that's fine that's fine so i'll just have to edit that out and this is the week that we don't have ferris so i'm going to have to do it all myself. That's totally fine. Ferris, keep this in. People have been commenting on the fact that Ferris doesn't cut out any of the things that I say. I think it was

Mike. Yeah, I just commented that. Right. Like 10 minutes ago. This is the worst episode we've ever done. It's three white guys staring at me bored as hell and also pissed. You're a bad host. I tried to do this thing last night, no one was available, and then we're having to cram

this episode in between meetings. You know why I wasn't available last night? None of you guys want to be here. You know why I wasn't available last night? You were on a date? No. I was gaming with Micah. Guess what I'm doing tonight?

Gaming with Micah. Yeah, and Pyle. What game? Call of Duty. I thought you stopped gaming because you said you were getting too obsessed with it. Relax. First of all. Isn't that true?

First of all, I did say that. Second of all, I switched games. It's not that big a deal. I'm off the one that I was addicted to, and I'm playing a different one with my friends. That's like saying I'm fine because I got off cocaine, and now I'm doing opioids. I did that too.

I made a lot of changes in my life recently for the better. Yeah, you cut off your dad as soon as he gave you a huge loan. Well, yeah, I don't want to pay that out. Then you started talking to your uncle. What about my uncle? So what game did you stop playing? Apex Legends to Call of Duty. I don't know who we're trying to kid here.

I still play Bull. I knew it. Fucking knew it. Alright, what takes up too much of your guys' time? Mike wants to say dead eyes. You just said it for me. I was going to say this. You've only done one episode

and it's been 30 minutes. Yeah, I'd say this is probably the biggest waste in the last three weeks. How long has it felt for you? Because it has only been 32 minutes. I have been looking at the clock pretty often.

Amir, you do these every week has this one been particularly painful uh this one's been probably as bad as uh the last few i wouldn't say like any of them are better or worse than the the last we need to get there's only a few though right so you're saying they've all been equally the few have been all equally as this bad yeah i would say so because jeff's sort of like uh scatterbrained and confusing as a host so like it's kind of weird to have him lead the conversation yeah because again he'll often say things like what if all bricks were gray or some shit like that and it's kind of like a conversation starter slash ender yeah and it's hard to like build off of that how's

this for a house made out of soy locked with nuts so instead of nuts like nuts and bolts it's hard to like build off of that how's this for a house made out of soy locked with so instead of nuts like nuts and bolts it's like cashews and then the bricks like you said are gray and they're made out of soy yeah that's a bad house do you think the wolf blow blow blow that house down yeah if it's just tofu made out of tofu it's very soft and you said the mortar was what cashew butter or something yeah cashew butter and then like the like locking joints for the corners would be like cashews so that they're kind of dowels in a way so you kind of pop a cashew halfway into a tofu and then like lock it in place by slamming that wet that beautiful soy onto it in a corner formation don't call it that don't yeah that's a beautiful soy with a side of soys

i went vegetarian that was pretty good that was like a space noise laser martin did you actually go vegetarian yeah for the past four days but i will say i went to mcdon McDonald's yesterday. What'd you get? No, I've been doing pretty good. Pretty good? Four days of vegetarianism and you've been to McDonald's? And I see a Chipotle bag behind you. Yeah, but you can get soyrizo at Chipotle,

so don't think that was when I cheated. It was when I went to McDonald's. And did you get the soyrizo or did you get chicken? What? I don't know how to be any clearer. You got the chicken. Four days of no meat. Two of them had meat. one of them at McDonald's.

Well, technically McDonald's owns Chipotle, so that only counts as one cheat. Do they? Okay. Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think they do anymore. What'd you get at McDonald's? Well, that's bad news for me, Mike. What'd you get, a Filet-O-Fish?

That counts. That counts as meat. I got a, I got a, um, a McDouble, a McChicken, and I got a Sprite Tropic Berry. So why'd you go vegetarian? You're clearly eating worse than before. I had some time to kill

in between errands, uh, so I went to McDonald's and ordered some food. And so, Yeah. And were you hungry? I mean, I ate it.

You were just bored, right? Beyond the outside of that and, you know, the one trip to McDonald's Corporation as a whole, I have been very good about being vegetarian. Well, let me ask you this. Beyond meat, what's your favorite substitute? Nice, dude, because I do love beyond meat. Beyond meat, what's your favorite substitute?

Nice, dude, because I do love beyond meat. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. Jeff, I think that's enough. I think I have enough to work with in terms of editing. I don't think so, because you're not going to be editing it. You're not going to be editing it. We are only at 37 minutes, and there's so much that we have to cut. Oh, really?

Of course. All right, let me run you guys through a scenario and I hate to this is just going to add fuel to the fire that Amir calls me scatterbrained let's just do like a role playing scenario so Mike you can be my dad so you're not going to be in this picture really this scene okay

Amir you'll be my kind of what he left for that you'll be um my kind of what he left father i just went away for a second it's fine sorry i just struck a real chord with son it's okay i'm right here i'll be right behind this wall of my name so i really needed to fucking hear that actually because those are the words that i've always needed to hear from my pops actually is that son that i'll be right here that i'll be right here for you have you guys heard that phil collins song um which one

from tarzan you'll be in my heart rice no heart heart yes you'll be in my heart. Same heart. From this day on, rise hard. I think that movie also came out the year you were born. You're talking about things that happened in 1997. Yeah, but the way that I was, it's kind of been like a Benjamin Button type thing, not physically, but in terms of like, I had my peak intelligence when I was born. So i could kind of watch movies and gather them and have intelligent conversations every year since then it's been a deterioration mentally what were you saying that the scenario so far mike's your dad let's get through it what else do you have to do all right so this is like okay let's just pick a place marty pick a venue right cleveland ohio that's pretty broad, but fine. The streets of Cleveland.

Mike's my dad. He's not in the picture. Amir, you're yourself. And I'm you. So we're walking down the sidewalk. Don't say I'm you because I'm also me. Kind of mirror images of each other. And in Cleveland of all places.

I love when podcasters do emotes as if everyone can see them. Yeah, we can't. Kind of mirror images of each other. And in Cleveland of all places. I love when podcasters do emotes as if everyone can see them. Yeah, we can't see you. I think everybody got the mental picture. It's Amir Blumenfeld walking down the sidewalk on Euclid Avenue in downtown Cleveland. And then Amir Blumenfeld walks by and they kind of both see each other. And they're like the Spider-Man thing. You know what I mean? And then Jeffrey James' dad is kind of gone.

And theny picked the venue so that's the scene have you guys seen hamilton because it's like kind of a similar deal in terms of like acting and writing how is this fucking bizarre situation a similar thing marty's gone to to hamilton you said it's similar in terms of writing and acting well just in terms of being like a once in a generational event like a cultural thing where people are scavenging for tickets so we can enter people can enter a lottery to listen to this scene and it's what i just said the writing is tight the acting is poor but that's because of casting choices we want our first choice was mike mike is here I was the first person you cast as somebody else.

Mike will be my dad. Can we get an absentee father noise? I'll be right back, son. I'm going out for Marlboros. My father was always a Marlboro man. Last number, Amir? 22. All right.

That one's bad. another one 23 that one's worse i shouldn't have added 132 really yeah 132 was that was kind of a gimme 138 no we'll do 132 oh god it really doesn't matter just read the fucking question regardless of what i guess fine if you could make a 20 yeah all right that's not a question if you could make a 20 second phone call to yourself at any point in your life present or future when would you call and what would you say so it's me right now calling some point yeah ahead of time or like when i'm 60 i can make a call back to when i was 12 or something it's the it's you right now calling past or future you and saying one thing in a way

does it matter what i say is that is that the question here is when when is the age period that we're calling to is that is that when you would call and what you would say it's kind of a oh it's a double entendre a double-edged sword. It's not one of those things. Yeah, it doesn't seem like that. A double entendre is one thing that has two meanings, and a double-edged sword is like something that hurts no matter how you slice it. Well, this thing could be that.

This thing is a stupid question. It could be that. In a way, it's the lesser of two evils or the better of two goods. I would call myself 20 seconds in the future and have a conversation that ends in a fashion that will begin the conversation for the person 20 seconds in the future because it's exactly 20 seconds, right? So I would tell him to basically make an inevitable decision

and leave this entire. They both left at the exact same time. That's insane. Mike is still here. Only audio. I can't see you. Are you kicking us out one by one? No, people just leave. This is what happens

at the end of every episode. Oh, I didn't know that. It's like people can only handle about 40 to 45 minutes of these, this whatever you want to call this. And then they kind of don't even say goodbye, though. No, Irish goodbyes all around, because if they've tried just saying goodbye and then I kind of make a meal out of it and I kind of drag it on another 20 minutes, which I've historically done. OK, but I mean, while I have you here, I might as well tell you like, you know, how I got my scholarship for college. So what often happened would, I would do these little creative project in high school and like, um, I added them to my visual portfolio to get into the

film school at USC. And, um, I got a call one day from the Dean and, um, they wanted to interview me. And it was the sort of thing where like, hey, like, what kind of things are you interested in making? How can we help? We want to know if you would be a good fit for this school. And, you know, it went poor, obviously, because I kind of came after him at a certain point because I thought he was insulting my my heritage, which he he wasn't. And I mean, hindsight is 20, 20 vision, obviously. And he was actually just asking me, you know, how I how this one project that I submitted came to be in a way. And, uh, I ended up not getting in obviously. Um, but I started lying on my resume. So like when I applied to

be an intern at head gum on the resume, it said USC school of cinematic arts. I didn't go to that school. I didn't pay that tuition. tuition um do I have any of the skills listed on them I mean I know my way around a bat you know in terms of like if an intruder comes in I can kind of conk him on the head gronk style and um but that wasn't even on the resume the resume was more like adobe creative suite avid um what have you encore audition etc um and then it said yeah USC school of Cinematic Arts it said that I was in the UCB Academy improv program that's also not true I got banned from UCB the whole community just in terms of like saying things going blue every other scene using people's real

information in on stage in in shows and online like on forums So I would kind of dox people if I didn't like the way that they did scenes in class. So they would make me like, I don't know, a fishmonger. And I'm like, I don't I can't do a scene about fishmongering. I know nothing about that. So I would go online to like WikiLeaks and just kind of like release their exact street address, their exact phone number, what have you. And so I got banned from that community so then i started up just like doing odd jobs like freelance stuff uh but again selling myself was like hey i can do

this for you and i couldn't so like whether that's installing lighting fixtures i would kind of deconstruct it and shock myself which would in turn shock them because i didn't turn the breaker box off obviously and then they have to deal with me like kind of they'd have to resuscitate me, for lack of a better term, on their living room floor. And this is like not pre-COVID. This is like as it was starting to happen. Right. So like they're having to do actual mouth to mouth and they don't know if I tested positive or not. I told them I had the right PPE, but of course I show up with nothing but a glove to my name, Tom Hanks style, which again brings it back to Dead Eyes.

So do you want to plug Dead Eyes? He left. Obviously he left. He stayed for the entire diatribe. And then he left. How fucked is that? You know what? I work my ass off for this show, and I think it's apparent.

And nobody ever puts the work back into it. And I hate to air my personal grievances here, but I can't help but feel like Marty is the one who's kind of sowing the seeds of not only division, but of dissent within the network. Kind of turning people against me and this show, because the show is not supposed to be about me. It's supposed to be about the staff. And it's impossible to get people to even stay till the end,

which is fine. I'm not complaining. But it would have been, yeah, fuck. It would be nice to not end these things alone all the time. Anyway, please, if you like the show, feel free to subscribe and rate five stars on iTunes. anyway, um, please, uh, if you'd like to show, uh, feel free to subscribe and rate five stars on iTunes. We are charting on the improv comedy,

uh, charts. And so that would just be a huge help. Um, uh, as well as listen to, if I were you, uh,

listen to review, review, listen to dead eyes until next week. I've been your host, Jeffrey James and Marty's exact street address again is Los Angeles, California so feel free to

dox him and I'll see you next week, thanks everybody That was a HeadGum Podcast.