The Headgum Podcast - 82: Giving Back

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

Jake, Amir, and Marika join Geoff to discuss thyroid issues, gift-giving, and giving back to children in need! Punch Up The Jam is back for a new season with new hosts, Andrew Rose Gregory and Evan Gregory of The Gregory Brothers! Check it out! BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Microphones are just like people. If you shout at them, they get scared. Paul McCartney. That's absolutely correct. Zach, you're down 60. No, I got it.

You said Paul? I said Paul. Ferris, if Zach didn't say Paul, just you insert yourself saying, I ferris monshi and i'm going on record saying zach be done is a liar but if he did just isolate his audio and play it right now maybe even put a little jingle underneath it if you have time ferris paul mccurtain that's absolutely correct paul mccurtain that's absolutely correct. Paul McCartney. That's absolutely correct. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Yes. Do we need to sync or?

Doesn't matter. Guess we all started separately. Yeah. Should we sync or? Yeah. HeadGum Holiday Special. Right? yeah head gum holiday special right this is coming out on Christmas Eve and if anybody's

watching this I'm sorry that you don't have the type of relationship with your family where you carve out the time to spend it with them instead you're listening to this nonsense yeah what'd you say I said yeah what is this song this is uh non-copyrighted christmas music oh yeah nice thank you um i hit him with the black eyed peas thing right after

losing immediate monetization um listen guys it's been a hell of a year i mean in terms of growth in terms of manufacturing supply chain issues it's been both positive and negative and two things can be true at once we're living in the gray we're not going to either extreme and we're finding new avenues of joy we're getting wise these have been the themes of the last couple months on this show um and i just wanted to get your guys's thoughts i thought that we could do a couple things today all right i'm gonna outline it for you up top so that we know what we have to get to you're already steamrolling us we haven't said a fucking word you haven't introduced us i don't have to they know who you do they don't know who's on the show what do you think we have marika brownlee on the sacks you

have amir blumenfeld on the backs and we have jake herwitz bringing up the rear you said johnny johnny herwitz johnny herwitz the other brother um christmas is about two things giving gifts and giving back okay so we going to do both of those things today. We're going to hit you with the head gum podcast, holiday gift guide way too late. We're going to talk about ways we can give back and we're going to help some kids in need of joy. How are we going to do the last one?

I feel like we're also going to we're also gonna wax yeah all right that's a given um amir how was your hanukkah uh it was nice i spent most epic burn oh god that was easy he's kidding I was in never mind I guess no it's all father clearly don't care it's all father you were in Florida

yes I was in Florida thank you for asking yeah how was that it was interesting it was cool to see it was nice it's sort of like I equate it as

an upside down California both in terms of shape right because it's in the right because yeah very nice and also like it's like a bizarro because it's still warm but the people are just cold hashtag different over there i mean a lot of people in california are uh the same way it's just in like fresno and northern california central valley central. The San Joaquin Valley. I actually went to a Walmart for the first time.

Ever? We already talked about it. You've already talked about it on this show. Don't repeat yourself on this show. All right. Well, I wasn't. Yeah, sorry. Not you.

I think you and I have been to a Walmart on our cross-country road trip. And I love that. It's a lie. So don't spread lies. I love that for us. This sucks. Were you only in Florida or did you go other places in the South? It seemed like you were driving around a lot. Yeah, I actually flew from two different cities within Florida.

Because much like California, Florida is 500 miles long. So you have to fly to get from one side to the other. Tracks, sure. Yeah. But Hanukkah-wise, it lit some candles ate some jelly donuts had some latkes guilt sorry there was guilt there was dreidling to be had guilt you played dreidel guilt did you actually dreidel i would i played a light round i didn't play anything serious but there was dreidling happening and there was gelt being consumed.

Was there ladling happening in terms of soup? Yes, there was a matzo ball soup at one point. Jake, have you ever been to Woodstock? New York? Yeah. Yes. Have you had Woodstock? Huh? Woodstock?

So it's like a broth made from cedar. Wood? I don't think that's a real thing. No, it's a soup made of ply. Wood? Yeah. Yeah, I don't think that's a real thing. And I haven't had it. That one was a flop.

You walked into a dead end. You did say a soup made of ply. I don't know what you expected my flop era what my flop era can't wait where are you giving back have you recorded an episode where you are right now or is this the first no this is the second this is the third and where are you i'm in williamsburg i i'm a little i had two different you know um ideas in my head well actually no i had one single concern about you living here was that you weren't going to

have any friends and that you were going to rely on me and hanging out with me all the time and always texting me and asking what i'm doing and kind of be like a hanger on um and sadly the opposite has happened you've utterly ignored me you've been i haven't seen jeff at all really you've been here for like a month how long have you been here a month two weeks two weeks two weeks two weeks but i haven't seen you and you haven't even texted i texted yesterday you didn't even respond. I asked Jeff if he ran to the last minute on my end, but I asked him if he wanted to play trivia on my trivia team, and he just ghosted me. That's so funny.

That's really cool. Not even I can't make it. He doesn't respond to texts sometimes. And then sometimes he'll say that he's going to do something and then doesn't show up. My issue in the way that I've experienced the last two weeks is it's been go, go, go.

And I've been incredibly, it's like my body's two steps ahead of my mind. Why? Slow down. No, that's what I'm trying to do. Cause I'm trying to settle into where I'm at, but then I'm fucking going back to Cleveland on Sunday for Christmas,

which will be great. But it's like, I'm all turned around. I do want to hang out and I do want to climb. I wanted to climb on Sunday for Christmas, which will be great. But it's like, I'm all turned around. I do want to hang out and I do want to climb. I wanted to climb this morning, but, um, eight thirties kind of early.

You're, you live in New York, but you're still treating it like you're here for a long weekend. Yeah. Yeah. That's really true. You're like in different parts of the city on like a weeknight. It's,

but also like, you but also like you don't you don't you think going to manhattan is a lot of work and far i don't like going to manhattan yeah you're crazy and you're in south williamsburg you get you get on the jmz right i've taken the j the j is cool because it's above ground um and above board in terms of subway maintenance, which is something I've been reading a ton about. Have you stayed in one night? Yes. Wednesday.

Also, Jake, Saturday I texted you. You texted me, do you have plans tonight? I said yes, but only early. Are you doing anything? You didn't respond to that. That's right. It's also ships passing in the night. Yeah, you're right. I did discuss that text with- And you and Micah climb at like 7.30. So when I get to the gym, you guys are finishing up.

I climb at 8.30. 8.30 I can do. I just couldn't do it today. Yeah, when I texted you, do you want to climb at 8.30, you didn't respond. In my head, I was like, no, and then I didn't send a text. And in my head on Saturday, when you said you were going bowling at the gutter at six but

didn't have plans after that I was like so he's gonna be trashed at seven I don't can't hang out uh I was gonna invite you to dinner oh all right yeah I would have fucking ghosted everybody for dinner I yeah well I went and I got a really nice burger. Just me and Jill. We would have loved to. Cozy Royale, actually. Yeah, I haven't even seen Vogel. Yeah, that's right. You haven't seen Jake, so you definitely haven't seen his wife. You haven't seen Marika. Yeah, so you haven't seen Vogel, for sure.

But you are vocal about wanting to see her. I'm vocal about Vogel. Yeah, that's right. What did you do this weekend, Jeff? Why were you so all over the place? I'm also adjusting to the social capital of New York. And this isn't very holiday-y, but we're waxing. Which is another thing you said we should do.

You said there'd be a lot of waxing um which is another thing you said we should too you said you said there'd be a lot of waxing we so in la it's like you don't see anybody until at earliest thursday yeah and then you you do you know you go out on friday and saturday you see everybody you want to see and it's great but you're i'm so used to building up that social capital. And honestly... Did you lose track of what you were saying? Honestly, want. The want to see people on the weekends. In New York, I'm going somewhere every night because it's so easy to see people

and people keep texting. But which people? Because it's not Jake. It's not Marika. You haven't even seen Jillian. So like who are you hanging out with? Who have you seen the most? Like it's a random Monday. Who's whose texts are you responding to? Johnny. I've seen Johnny a lot.

Yeah. Yeah. And then a friend from home has been doing a lot of things and just kind of casually inviting me and the timing of it has worked out every time but Jake I want to hang out thanks yeah so do I Ferris cut that out

major key alert make time for those that want to make time for those you care about seeing to hang out and that's about my wife Make time for those you care about seeing. And that's about my wife. Full steam ahead. Here's what I'd like to wax about. What have you guys learned about yourselves and the world in the past year?

learned about yourselves and the world in the past year. That music, Q. I learned I had a low-grade thyroid issue. I thought that I was just tired because I was getting old, and I thought that I had achy joints because I was traveling too much. But then I went to the doctor for the first time in 10 years and found out that I just had a thyroid that wasn't doing its job. And I have some medicine now and I feel 10 times better than I did. So check your thyroid. Wow!

Jake taking the thyroid medicine for the first time. Oh, yeah. Your body can't produce this naturally. Wow! for the first time. Yeah. Your body can't produce this naturally. Wow. Wow. Right. Wow. You are close to dying.

Wow. You had Hashimoto's. Jake, I have a recommendation for that actually I'm good I'm on levothyroxine so I don't need your fucking witchcraft or anything like that no no no it's called the

sorry what's it called I don't know this sucks the vital pro the vital pro I don't know. This sucks. Plywood stew. The Vital Pro. The Vital Pro? Infrared light machine. If you shine that towards your thyroid, it really helps. No, you're suggesting pseudoscience.

And Jake said he's already been to a doctor and gotten actual medicine medicine that looked like a heat lamp that someone signed for 479 dollars you shine it at your thyroid i feel like you could download that as an app too it's a red screen and if you turn it really brightly into your eyes it would still be blue light it would still be blue light on the spectrum because you don't know jack shit about medicine your dad's a doctor and you're a fool

on the internet oh my god he's not wrong EA sports and what's not in. EA Sports. And what's not in the game is my head, and we have to get there. When did you go to sleep last night?

Sorry, one second. Because you look tired, but it's, what, 1.50 over there. Did you just wake up? I woke up at 11. Can you dip out a frame? I'd like to see the kitchen behind you. Do you have roommates, or is that all your mess? I made a grilled cheese really late last night.

I see what kind of, by the way, Monday night you had last night. Monday. Yeah. Because I hadn't had dinner until. Monday night you had a late night grilled cheese. Correct. Yeah. Also, I sort of sliced and diced my thumb on a mandolin. And I don't mean the kitchen knife thing. Correct, yeah. Also, I sort of sliced and diced my thumb on a mandolin.

And I don't mean the kitchen knife thing. I mean like an actual, you know, 12-string. Talk about shredding. So I was Grisman. I was Grisman. I look worse because there's no good lighting in this apartment. It's all overhead and the ceilings are really high. I see. And nail polish, is that a new thing?

New York thing? Or were you doing that in LA? I did it once in LA. It's sort of a Harry Styles style. You're getting into Harry Styles. Too much, do you think? No. I'm modeling myself after him. So you're getting into Harry Styles. Yeah. Too much, do you think? No.

Well, I'm modeling myself after him. Yeah, Jeff clearly goes through phases, and he's in his Harry Styles phase, his Harry Styles era. Yeah, his flop era, but Harry Styles phase. No, a friend of mine painted my nails. Cool. So it was like a sexual thing. Yeah yeah you said it with that kind of energy

yeah it was a friend of mine painted it was sort of yeah that doesn't happen like in an afternoon yeah that's like it's late monday night no no you're getting wild my buddy aj just came over and we did our nails over a grilled cheese yeah and had a grilled cheese and then didn't clean up um amir what's what did you learn in the last year uh skip me actually marika actually Marika what did you learn in the past year

I similarly to Jake learned that I had a herniated disc and have just been in constant pain for the better part of a year so learning to live with that is fun have you tried diet smoke and have just been in constant pain for the better part of a year. Jesus. So learning to live with that is fun. Have you tried diet smoke? Epic.

Epic 2021, mate. Yes. Oh, yeah. Who is this? Oh, man. Australian Jake. It's what? It's all see-ho.

It's... Wow! You guys suck. It sucks doing this show with you guys. I was just doing a bit and you fucking went. You needed to go harder than I did. You fucking. You barked at me like a dog.

Wait. There's no. There's no. There's no like healing from a herniated disc. You just have to learn to live with it? Basically, yeah. I can get a surgery that removes some of the jelly-like disc material from touching my nerve, which is what is causing me pain. But I'm trying to avoid doing that.

So I'm doing physical therapy. I'm getting shots in my back uh it's going fine to bad is it getting is it getting worse is it deteriorating it got better and then it got worse and now after shot number three it's a little better again wow and the like when you're doing the uh the physical therapy are you strengthening the muscles around the disc that's the idea it's always going to be a herniated disc and you're just yeah exactly because right now for some reason most of my pain is just like the entire side of my body cramping what about yeah but I also learned that I'm this tank. Guys, taking care of your

health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years, I've been taking AG1, just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every day, no exceptions. And it helps me feel, you know, energized, focused, ready to take on the day. Like I'm doing one powerfully healthy habit that's also powerfully simple. I know that AG1 gives my body high quality nutrition because every batch goes through a rigorous testing process so that you know it's safe and their ingredients are sourced for potency, absorption, and nutrient density, all of which is very important and you don't always get with other leading

nutrition brands. I like to drink it first thing in the morning. I'll have a glass of water. I'll have my AG1 and then I'll have my coffee and it gets me set off to take on the day and to be centered and to feel like I did at least one good thing for my health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that again that's drinkag1.com slash what's that check it out is that a commercial break or just the

and we're back um you were gone the entire time yeah you were on your phone i mean i'm used to it marika you you learned that you missed your friends sort of the tail end of what she said we do have to move on is the only reason we had to take a break there had to have been a better way to do that looking for royalty free music discover epidemic shit

yeah now I'm on YouTube premium it's time for the head gum holiday gift guide what are you guys getting for people that you're getting gifts for this year

or what's something that you didn't have someone to give it to that you would recommend to others to get for people that they haven't gotten gifts for in a guide oh my god that was so garbled In a guide. Oh my God. That was so garbled.

I guess first of all. It was Greta Garbled. Technically we did put out a HeadGum gift guide on the newsletter, which went out in a timely fashion as opposed to this, which is coming out the day before Christmas. But what I've bought for people thus far, I bought a lot of people pillow slides, which are little shoes. Jake is probably going to combat this

and go full Crocs mode, but I think pillow slides are the goat. No, I'm not going to combat it. I think that's interesting. I think it's fascinating. I'm interested in trying the pillow slides. I will go to every length to make my feet feel comfortable. I have no loyalty.

I went from Crocs to Ufos to Birkenstocks back to Crocs. I'll try anything. Pillow slides are good. It's like walking on a marshmallow. Okay. It's great. New tab. Whoa.

What just happened? why is a mirror pinned you made me like the main because also now this is gonna cause problems yeah yeah and even when you go back to gallery mode it might be in a different order yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I see concern. I see concern. There we go. Let's do this. Let's talk about what gifts we would get for everyone in terms of a guy. On this call? You're changing the segment mid-segment.

You're so ADD. I participated. Yeah. I do what you wanted. We got one person through. Where is he going? Oh, my God. he's hanging himself holy shit no finally

oh god oh he's on the move it's a nice little that's better right change of pace slash venue just in terms of um, it's kind of better. Sure.

Yeah, that is better. You should have done that before, obviously. Weird angle. It's kind of like you're lent over the camera. It feels like a banned photo. This is not what we should be talking about and i'm sorry you interrupted the segment you changed the segment then you interrupted the change segment again by moving your camera around you know what then i would get you all the same fucking gift you know

what it would be it would be pliers to remove the stick up your guys's asses that's pretty good actually it's a funny gift to get someone oh pliers yeah let's do uh let's remove the stick up your ass because it's so far up your ass that you're actually gonna need uh pliers to remove it and actually here's a cigar so you can blow smoke up my ass it's all things up their ass. Yeah. And I got you a bidet. Here's a marshmallow so you can shoot water. And you can roast a marshmallow with the stick up. Or I'm up your ass once it's removed. And then can I ask you guys for something for Christmas?

Sure. You can ask, yeah. Probably like an American Express or Visa gift card you just want cash cash is crass this is a little bit more intentional because you can pick out a fun design it's a gift card for anywhere so it's basically you're asking us for money with a little bit of a design on it

how much money do you need man the credit card bill is like six thousand dollars yeah can you pay a credit card bill with an amex gift card no but i can pay for other expenses and then with my income pay the credit card bill listen this isn't the energy that i thought this episode was gonna have sometimes getting this group together no let me let me finish sometimes getting this group together feels like it would be the best and then it's just like we all kind of feel have you guys seen get back no we're like the beatles yeah and let me cast i'm mccartney because i'm trying to get shit done and nobody listens to me Amir is Lennon because he

sort of brings this genius but only in bursts when he decides to use it which to me as McCartney's frustrating Marika's George because she has a ton of great ideas but we don't listen to her either and Jake is Ringo because he holds

it down Ringo's the holds it down. Ringo's the ugly one. Also, in terms of looks, I'm still McCartney. I think Amir is also McCartney because he's sort of turned into Zaddy recently. I've heard that I look like

John Lennon's son. This is the holiday episode. It's about spreading cheer. No, it's not. This is the holiday. We're supposed spreading cheer no it's not this holiday we're supposed to be doing a fucking gift guide you aren't contributing i said american express gift card for me that's yeah but that's not the fucking prompt that wasn't the problem it was what should people get the only and then it turned the only thing that you let us say is i had one idea and then you steamrolled it into saying that you want to pull the stick out of our asses and that you want cash from us.

Fine, continue. This sucks. It's hard to continue. I don't even know where we were. What do you want us to do? Amir, what's something that you got for a loved one this holiday season i find gold belly gift cards to be a ideal gift because you don't have to like receive anything tangible so it's not like this big bulky item that you have to ship but it's also very exciting to get because it opens up a

world of opportunity everybody likes food so it's oh, now suddenly I have to decide, oh, this is fun. I'll get like donuts from San Francisco or Philly cheesesteaks from Philadelphia. So I know this is not really an advertiser or sponsor of ours, but I find Gold Belly gift cards to be the ideal holiday gift. And I think there's nothing, no, save it, save it, save it. Because Major Keeler, if you buy a digital gift, then it's not a gift.

It is thoughtless. Major key alert. Yeah. Wow. It is, you have dropped the ball. At that stage, don't get a gift at all. Write a card. That's what you have to do.

But you can, when you order the thing with the gold belly, then the thing arrives. You're just not making that specific decision for the person. It's the thought that counts is what they say about gifts. And that is thoughtless. That is thoughtless. That said, I do appreciate the gift card that you got me. And I'm going to use it. I appreciate it.

I'm getting lobster rolls. I really am. I'm getting to the point where I am tired of gift giving I want to like next year I want to like set boundaries for people like I want either like someone to donate on my behalf or I want like food like a dinner what about a gold belly gift card because that's sort of food right it's sort of food it still comes with

gold belly yeah comes with the like stress of me deciding what to order but still good the thought that counts I guess this really doesn't feel like a holiday extravaganza. It feels like

us just waxing about the gifts that are good and bad. If somebody's listening to this on Christmas Eve... It was supposed to be a gift guide segment. We're doing what the segment was. It's just not organized. It doesn't feel organized. It doesn't feel organized because you've changed positions,

went in to get back, and then told us we had sticks up our asses. You yelled at her. Yeah. You changed the zoom orientation too at a certain point. Right. You like spotlit me. Yeah. In a way that I didn't feel good about.

Okay. All right. You disrupted the situation for us and fans of the show. Jake, did you come you say anything mine was pliers for sticks up your guys's asses uh amir's was gold belly gift card marika you said crocs or something what i don't pillow slides pillow slides and then jake you haven't said you haven't said jack yeah well i it's hard to get a word in edgewise because you're either screaming or playing Upka Baka Silent. Upka Baka Silent.

My suggestion, it's something I did last year in the company White Elephant, actually. Yeah. Printful. We'll let you print anything on anything. I think that, when is this coming out? Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. Oh, okay. Perfect.

out uh christmas christmas eve okay perfect um i my sister just had a baby and i went on a printful and i printed her band's logo onto a onesie uh you put like something that means something to someone on on a shirt or a hoodie or sweatpants i think i put your face on socks anyway that's it you did put my face on socks pile got them and then he sent me a photo. They're awesome. Do you have a real gift, Jeff? It depends. You know, like how close am I to the person? I don't think it. You're taken aback by your own suggestion.

I think it's fun to, if you know the person's measurements get them something like a vintage sweater or a vintage t-shirt that has a logo or graphic of something that you know they care about um because it's a little bit more thoughtful they know that you had to go search for it on etsy or grailed or ebay or whatever the fuck and um it just matters it just matters it matters it doesn't matter our gifts our gifts our gifts our gifts it's what christmas is all about it's what the holiday season is all about it's about getting things of monetary and sentimental value it's about proving love or having love disproven unto you it's about being able to use you know the gift thoughtful or otherwise that people get you as barometers of whether or not they care that it was also about giving back and it's about giving back yeah which i think we should get to now giving back

let's talk about it why do you guys think it's important to give back to those in need or otherwise it's not self-evident why is it important to give back to those in need or otherwise. It's not self-evident. Why is it important to give to people in need?

Or otherwise? I guess it's not important to give to people who don't need it. Wow. So it's just to give to people. Wow. Selfish. Selfish. Even people who have it all could use another thermos

so this is about giving back to people in need and also people who are want for nothing already having thermoses can I ask can I ask a quick question yes we're 32 minutes in and we're on the last segment and we have to record another episode are we is this fine like what's the yeah what do you

imagine the next episode to be energy slash segment wise it's up to you guys because I'm only one human you know I'm just quarterback right you can have the best you can have the best. You can have the best quarterback in the league,

but if you don't have good wide receivers, I feel like we don't have to talk about a football analogy. I just asked if we were, we didn't need to slow down or anything like that. We don't need to slow down. I have a whole nother episode. All right. Um, you know what?

I knew that this would happen. I knew that you guys would kind of sour this and not bring any ideas to the table in terms of giving back. Do you take any responsibility at all? It's like talking to a wall. Who put the sticks in our ass? I feel like I was sodomized with the fucking birch. And then I get lambasted for having a piss poor attitude

when you fucking spew nonsense half the time. That's a good note. That's a good note. And you know what? You could have said that 50 weeks ago and then we would have had a much different year. We did. We literally had an audit of your behavior. Then I wasn't listening.

Then I wasn't listening. That was clear. So I'm living on, I mean, I i'm not gonna say which street it is but there is a school about two doors down that way and uh i've noticed in the two weeks that i've been here there have been a lot of uh kids outside in like the basketball court playing basketball playing fooling around really it's tomfoolery of the lowest caliber uh but they're just kids so kind of go easy on them right um yeah so i um i thought it'd be nice to chat them up and um just hear basically try to get their christmas wishes to santa and then because our office is not too far from here um cf head gum

could make their dreams come true under the guise of Santa, because newsflash, the fat man isn't real. Why are you talking to children? You didn't even have to say to children. Promising things. Why are you talking at all? Are you promising things to small children?

I got them to write a couple of letters to santa all right would you like to hear them yeah okay dear santa my name is nancy i'm seven years old and i've been really good this year no way yeah no way nancy was tearing it up on the playground, causing tomfoolery. South Williamsburg. Williamsburg. Nancy? No. Maybe one was born in 1936, but not since then. I want to be an astronaut when I grow up.

So I'd like an amazing science kit for Christmas. This is what you think children sound like? This is what they said ma'am so nancy wants a science an amazing science kit for christmas do those exist anymore i don't know but we got to figure this shit out man for nancy i i don't know if we get her the kit i wonder because she said she want to be an astronaut when she's older i feel like why don't we take nancy at nancy's word rather than try to like infer what someone who wants to be an an astronaut should get i feel like she mentioned the astronaut thing but asked for what she wanted

i think she wants to be a billionaire because that's the those that's who's exploring space right like does she want to work at SpaceX or does she want to create the next SpaceX? Right? I don't know. I don't think you should be talking to the kids at all, let alone, like, having deep philosophical career discussions with them.

I think we just need to crowdfund, like, a billion dollars and give it to Nancy so that she can achieve her dream. And then it's from Santa or whatever. You're Nancy. Do we not know that Nancy's parents already have a billion dollars? They could.

And do we not know that we're going to crowdsource a bunch of money and you're going to be the one that delivers it to Nancy, but we don't actually know if Nancy's a real person and it might just be you? Well, that would be fraud.

Yeah. Yeah, which would be fraud. Yeah. Which I don't think you're above. I'll take a broker's fee, but I'm going to give the money to Nancy. What's the broker's fee on a billion dollars? I mean, agents take, what, 10%?

And they don't even do that much. And because I'm doing all of this, I would, maybe 30. You're also not doing that much. I'm crowdfunding. I'm talking to kids. Literally, that is not doing a lot. It's other people funding it, right? Let's go back to when we were having fun

like a couple months ago, right? We used to have fun on the show. What do you think changed? Let's do this. That one I feel like we solved. Raise a billion dollars for Nancy. Let's move on. This one came in from Jimothy.

Who? Jimothy. No way. That's not what Jim is short for. My name is Jimothy no really I'm 8 years old and I'd love nothing more than a Harry Potter sorting hat from James

Timothy and it's hyphenated so I guess that's how we know where he got Jimothy from um not I don't think that we should give jim anything harry potter related i think we should give him we should sit him down and the gift can be the eye-opening revelation that jk rowling is canceled yeah i mean christmas that's what you want to give them

i mean it'll be like over coffee or hot cocoa or whatever kids drink yes and on his home turf that's something we can concede because it's only two doors down for me right uh definitely don't go to his home i feel like uh listen i'm all for not getting children into harry potter properties as someone that doesn't particularly like them but i don't know i feel like out of all out of the two letters you've sent so far this one seems most realistic in terms of what a child would want a magical hat that doesn't exist. So why not do something related, I guess. Send him to Cursed Child on Broadway to watch.

Let him go to that weird Harry Potter store that's on 22nd Street in Manhattan. You know what I mean? Those are good ideas. So we'll do that we'll do that we'll and while we're kind of chaperoning him we'll maybe kind of tell him about uh trans inclusivity uh here we go dear santa hansel here as you know seven-year-old named hansel as you know my dad's still away not sure where he went but it'd be a Christmas miracle if he came back if at least for Christmas again this seems like more of a gift of

sitting him down and having a conversation with him and just kind of saying move on right and that should be done by his 25 year old neighbor you think yes 24 but yeah when he asked santa specifically for that more so also while we're at it might just say also santa's not real santa's your parents or interesting say mom that's not a bad move because then he's kind of like then hansel is dealing with two things. You know, we can't spiral thinking about like my dad. It's like, oh, well, there's also another thing to worry about. Correct. Yeah.

That's one more thing to worry about. And then more Broadway tickets, Hamilton. Let's move on. That was pretty easy. That was easy. Dear Santa, it's your favorite good boy Vessel here back at it again to ask for white vans

lol ya boy Vessel pretty clear yeah I guess like he's asking for white vans

multiple years in a row because every year the white vans become dirtier and dirtier throughout the year maybe just like

send him some starch spray starch teach him how to take care of his own shoes the magic erase marker become dirtier and dirtier throughout the year. Maybe just like send him some starch, spray starch, teach him how to take care of his own shoes. The magic erase marker, the little, that's cool. That's a gift that keeps on giving. Yeah, and you seem uh...

Don't spotlight me, man. I obviously don't want it not like this I'm switching back to Gallard I'm genuinely concerned that this is gonna mess up wait so we're gonna get him white vans or we're gonna get him fucking shoe cleaner because that feels like

Santa doesn't he can't make shoe cleaner well you're trying to teach all of these children lessons and now you don't want to teach Vessel a lesson you want to give Vessel what he asked for let's get Vessel the shoes want to teach Vessel a lesson? You want to give Vessel what he asked for? Let's get Vessel the shoes. Let's get Vessel the shoes and the shoe cleaner and be like, you keep

these ones clean. And I also think we should get fucking Hansel's dad back. How? We don't even know his last name. And then say, but he's gone because he never cared about you. We should get the gift and the lesson. Yeah. You're on the gift and the lesson. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You're on the floor.

This is like a kind of a nice Airbnb you have. It's not an Airbnb. It's my friend's apartment. Oh, cool. She has a cool place. Dear Santa, I just want world peace. Love, Lily.

You're getting more hungover as you record do you need another grilled cheese man i i don't think that's going to be very healthy for me i'm glad you started caring

about your health literally this moment um lillian wants world peace this one's tricky well not really it seems like we just give everyone a lesson we're just going to tell her that world peace is actually complicated and it means different things to different people so all you can have is a peaceful and happy life in your world create your own universe tight-knit family and friends and that's all you can hope for that's good advice but that's your advice so so isn't that the fucking idea of the second that we're giving

my foot so it's hard to focus on the fucking show it's really asleep and it's one of those things where any slight movement is causing me tremendous discomfort yeah i think that's good advice let's just finish this because that's fine that's good by the way now you know the level of distraction that we deal with with you as the host you're a pins and needle to us we gave back imagine thinking this show does good for people we gave back in a big way and i'm honestly proud of us and uh you're losing it man listen it's christmas fucking eve for everybody else listening to this what do we want to fucking say to them because i this i feel like we shouldn't even release this

we should do this again and then i'll do another one for new year's eve where will you guys one of our worst episodes ever where will you guys be on new year's eve or christmas eve like it's december 24th night yeah do you guys know what you're doing yeah i'll be here just at your apartment yeah awesome like food wise are you doing anything special are you just gonna like sort of treat it like any other night uh i haven't thought about it i might i might do something special marika you're welcome to come to Sugar and Falls I appreciate that I won't but thank you it's very kind of you

Jeff what do you is it like a ham dinner or how does that work it's gonna be ham musubi what's that so it's like spam musubi where you have spam over sushi rice but it's gonna be with real ham so that there's not as many preservatives So it's like Spam Musubi where you have Spam over sushi rice, but it's going to be with real ham.

So that there's not as many preservatives. On Christmas Eve. Yeah, I guess so. Because that would be the 24th. You know what you're eating on the 24th. I don't know if that's Christmas Eve. I know we're doing ham on the 24th yeah it's christmas actually ham over rice yeah good call good call i'm actually going to hamsby on yours or christmas eve it's a new ham omsby um pop-up that they're doing in Boyle Heights and you mean the neighborhood Boyle Heights or my buddy Boyle he's rising to new heights he just went to CBS pilot

Boyle rises to new heights in Boyle rises to new heights in Boyle Heights. That's really funny LA humor. When are you coming back? Do you have a date yet? I think March 13th. I want to get serious here for a second, guys.

I just want to say that I'm grateful for all of you for listening to this show you know you guys listen every week even when we don't pull through like today and I really appreciate it we fucking carried you for

45 minutes and you're apologizing for us you had to lie down to host we talked about a man named Vessel for 5 minutes. I think it's a Christmas miracle that this show has as many listeners as it is, and it spreads joy and libel to me.

And legs, and and Vegemite, and all the other things that you can spread, and I think that it's not an accident. It's a habit it means nothing plugs

at the very least I got the sentiment of thank you for listening yes if you take nothing else away just take that plugs Yeah. If you take nothing else away, just take that. Plugs. At Jeffrey James on Instagram,

at Jeff Bayardy on Twitter. That's my plug. You guys. At Marie Galon on Twitter and Instagram, listened in the new Punch Up the Jam, hosted by Andrew Rose Gregory and Evan Gregory, who've taken over hosting duties couldn't get **** huh

they got Weird Al on their first episode yeah that's pretty awesome yeah how did we find these people I'm mad about it first of all don't be secondly don't bring it up

thirdly don't name names. Like you have no seat at the table. You have no voice in the room. You're actively pushing against the company moving forward. So just, yeah, be quiet. I just don't understand how we settled on these two idiots. By the way, the trailer got more downloads than any other HeadGum trailer ever. So you're kind of like firmly in the wrong.

Like their trailer got more listens than this podcast did after six months. They're accomplished musical comedians and you're a nobody. They've been doing musical comedy on the internet since you were like four. Yeah, and you're going to drunk musicals with fucking johnny also what is that i need to know are people drunk doing music is it like drunk shakespeare i wish it's the poor deuces p-o-u-r oh god and uh let me listen up. And it's... It's Nick's rock on stage singing this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's at 8 p.m. if anybody wants to come. Did you see West Side Story? No, because Ansel Elgort is a piece of shit. This is true. However, it's really good. Is he confirmed a piece of shit, or does he just seem like a piece of shit? I think it was the latter first, then confirmed as of like three weeks ago also that's not confirmed three weeks ago

ansel is hansel's dad isn't he ago ansel is hansel's dad hansel who's eight yeah hansel right i did i did think you said h Hansel when he's during that segment nice nice nice nice right this is end the fucking episode we have to do another one then do your plugs who gives a shit everyone fucking follows us already

yeah watch my fucking Instagram nice that's it we have 30 minutes to record another episode my fucking Instagram. Nice. That's it. We have 30 minutes. Ending. Ending the episode on that. Happy Christmas everybody. Happy Christmas. That was a Hidgum Original.