The Headgum Podcast - 85: Squatty Naughty

Episode Date: January 14, 2022

Micah, Marika, and Johnny join Geoff to discuss “joison,” doing a live show at MSG, and As Seen on TV products! BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. I do wonder if there's a world where I could have gotten the vax in my axe. Your what? My ass. Yeah, I guess. But if it's like a drive-through how would that possibly go down at a cbs minute clinic window down ass out i'm wearing a some kind of g-string just to cover the you know the whole thing and g-string really doesn't cover the whole not if you're bent over that way hardly

anything really you also texted me the other day what if I get the Johnson and Johnson in my Johnson and Johnson that's sort of like a one and done so inappropriate you shouldn't text me that new combination of guests on the show today should we say we got micah hurwitz we got marika brownlee we got johnny villa this has never happened has it not? I don't think so. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah.

Cool. Cool. Yeah. Core four. The core four. All right. New nicknames for all of you guys. Micah, you were previously Her Daddy.

Yes. What about... You can't top that. That was a really good one. Yeah. What about Big Diesel M? Big Diesel M? Big Diesel M? Yeah.

No, because then it's basically like, because Mike is really strong, so it's like Big Diesel, and then that doesn't tie into Mike at all, so then you have to add the M. But I could also be Big Diesel M. And it's funny you should say that, because what my suggestion for you, it was going to be coal miner Brownlee

because you're never afraid to do the hard work. All right. Interesting. And guess what Johnny is. I don't think I can guess. House of Jucci. J-U-C-C-I-M. Did you guys see House of Gucci?

No. I did. Yeah, and I really, really did not like it. Yeah. It sucks. That movie sucks. So bad. It's crazy.

I don't think Adam Driver's gotten nominated for that movie at all in major things, but both Lady Gaga and Jared Leto have gotten nominated. And the fact that Jared Leto got nominated is the craziest thing I've ever experienced. I feel insane. I heard Jared Leto had a good Italian accent. You heard that? I did hear that from an Italianian man wow wow fascinating johnny didn't you say last night that his italian accent was absolute garbage no i i said that um because we

were actually talking about this movie yesterday marika and micah we were saying that or i was saying that everybody who was italian in the film had a different italian accent it was very interesting like jared leto's character was very you know i can't talk while the soundbite is playing so you're just interrupting the flow yeah but that's like it adds to it because it's a reaction. Yeah, but we can naturally react in this show and it's going to feel a lot less forced. Okay.

And it's going to be a lot more intuitive for the listener. Anyways, Jared Leto. He's in the film. Morbius got pushed back again, you guys.

Does this movie exist? We'll never know. What's Morbius? Is that with jared leto morbius yeah i i how could i have known because it's oh i don't know it's like a big blockbuster movie it's the fucking he's a vampire man his name is i saw his name is like uh man his name is i saw his name is like uh fuck it's like dr michael morbius is this a marvel movie yeah it looks so dumb yeah i'm really excited to be honest it's insane if it will ever come out micah uh you haven't been on the show in like a year I know what's been new I mean I know a little bit about your personal

life but what's been new that you want to share with the audience how has the absence treated you and have you found different avenues of joy um god that's a great question I don't know a great answer

new avenues of joy I'm kind of a little bit disappointed that you don't have the pilot microphone that was fun good times now that's when we should have had a video podcast yeah that's a very visual gag yeah i agree you dropped the ball on this jeffrey i don't know where that microphone is where it was

procured in the first place but if if we do do a live episode not live but all in studio i think micah should have that mic i can find it okay it's it's definitely here somewhere yeah yeah at the very least it should be like on display in the office yeah do you think when lady gaga showed up to set on house of gucci they were like oh she's definitely here nice no no one said that really for sure yeah damn daniel did you see the um you know the ski scene in House of Gucci Where they're Very non sequitur and then they're playing Like some generic 80s tune

It's almost like they It's like royalty free 80s music Yeah It's like Last Holiday Which is With Whoopi Goldberg I've never seen that film sorry she skis down a mountain

and she's like she doesn't know how to ski she's sort of falling down how is it like that I feel like I could have been like that's like snow dogs yeah absolutely major key alert if you have to snack

make sure that the snack's gonna have your back we're talking athletic greens 75 plus different nutrients absorbed through your liver is this an ad I've been selling my own ads do they run on the show?

They will soon, I think. Have you tried the product? I try every product that we advertise with, and I like them all. I like them all. Speaking of House of Gucci. Mariko, am I going to see you at all when I'm in new york or i mean ideally i don't know you can easily come to queens if you want i would love to come to well let's be specific no let's meet at la guardia for an after work aperitif um yeah mostly what i do is i just walk on a street for blocks and blocks

and blocks and then i turn around and i go home or i go to physical therapy and that's really how i get out of the house wow my new best friend is my physical therapist because he's the person i see the most during the week outside of my roommate. So yeah, you know, just killing it. I don't know. I might start taking the train into the city and walking around again. Johnny and I saw Licorice Pizza on Saturday. I'm so sorry.

You didn't like it? I really didn't like it. I hated that. Okay, no, no, no. I will, no. I, as a no no I will no I as a movie I liked it until the very last scene and if that had just been cut I would have enjoyed the movie so where do you think it should have ended let's say spoiler alert and uh so skip ahead two minutes if you don't want to

hear this sure yeah I think it should have ended when they collapsed into a hug and fell on the ground i think that should have been the end of the movie in front of the in front of the theater the fact that she they go on to kiss and then she says i love you is insane and i'm so i i've been in the trenches of this discourse for weeks on Twitter. Not replying, but just reading them and getting more and more mad. And it's like not... It's illegal. It's illegal. And I understand the concept of

this happened in the 70s. Things were different. That's totally fine. I still think they could have easily just cut that and it would have been a non-issue. And the fact that people are defending the age gap as a way to defend the movie is insane. Just say you like the movie. That's not difficult.

I enjoyed parts of that movie. I think scenes and certain characters were really, really funny and good. And then there's this crazy racist joke that happens twice where like the audience in my theater laughed inappropriately at the joke i don't know what happened in your theater but like everybody was kind of like my theater was like laughing not at the fact that it was happening but at the joke which was like the second time it happened no because of how insane it was yeah yeah i actually stood up i stood up in the theater and looked behind to see who laughed for the second time yeah he like pointed at people with a really straight um finger and whacked it at them yeah but the fact that like i don't know paul thomas anderson is like defending

that by being like, essentially being like, I, I know Asian people. It's fine. It's definitely paraphrasing. It's not funny. And also like, if that's what the reactions are that you're getting in the audience and the tone is wrong and you should just admit that,

like, sorry, it's not that hard. The tone, the tone is off in this movie and that's what makes it bad in certain places. And I'm just tired of people defending it in the wrong way. Just like defend it on its like movie making merits.

Don't like double down on like, yeah, well, who didn't have a crush on their babysitter when they were 15? Like, where are you talking? I'm done stepping out my soapbox Paul Thomas Anderson his I think old art teacher was the Haim mother yeah it's about her

mother which is crazy don't do that yeah that's why she's in it that's why the entire Haim family is in it yeah Haim Haim I don't know I don't listen to Haim

yeah the entire family's in it wow and Leonardo DiCaprio's father is in it George DiCaprio who does he play was he who does he play he plays have you seen it no I just looked up the cast Who does he play? Was he? Who does he play? He plays... Have you seen it?

No, I just looked up the cast. Let's move on, because that was longer than two minutes, I think, and probably spoiled it for some people. I mean, again, this is one of those times where I'd love to hear more about your guys' personal lives, because I feel like sometimes the show acts as a barrier

between me and you guys getting closer to you on a friendship level. And I'm feeling pretty fucking lonely today, so the idea of getting closer to you guys even over this next 40 minutes would be kind of chill. Right on, let's do it. What do you want to know, Jeff? Was that right on to us getting closer

or right on that I'm lonely? Right on to just continue the podcast. Continue, obviously. It's just hard to be alone with your thoughts in an apartment when you're working from home. Right on to connect with one another. Yeah, right on to that too. I agree. To what to?

To connect and not about your personal life. Our personal lives, really. Yeah. How do you guys make friends let's start there it's just hard i have no idea i have no idea you just have them everybody just connects and gets them or i make friends oh go ahead no i was just gonna say i have i have some but i feel like all the places that i got these friends are like closed or i can't like i feel like i made friends at like going to ucb shows and now that's done and so now i have no new friends and i need some no new friends no new friends

that's good no no no no no no no no no that's actually because that justifies me not having many you have a lot of friends yeah you really do you know so many people here yeah i do really know a lot of people um sorry that made me sadder because it's like you can know a lot of people but not feel close to them pains of loneliness knowing that my friend fallon is three blocks away it just sucks yeah why don't you take the take the initiative reach out it's hard how is it hard you already have established some sort of relationship so it's on you really well she has covid so i can't yeah but we live in the digital age where

we can reach out via instagram messages or even text messages yeah i think you should make online friends i think you should like find a forum for your interests and just start talking to people there maybe some skeevy discord group join a fandom like or a watch forum or something i don't know yeah i'm on those i'm on those okay i haven't made any friends are you just ostracizing people i'm not ostracizing people i just like i give my opinions on different references and then people like don't either agree with them or don't and when they agree with them i'm like okay well that's actually my opinion so you can't have it and then if they don't agree with them then i get angry because i'm like what are you trying to start something like i'll go to toe for the tutor oyster prince

1967 reference not year any day of the week so imagine if i did that to you like if i wouldn't like that yeah so think about it through like another person's perspective you doing it to them not right maybe i'll just do like a pinterest board because that's something i can do by myself So think about it through like another person's perspective, you doing it to them. Not right. Maybe I'll just do like a Pinterest board because that's something I can do by myself. That's not, you're not going to make friends on Pinterest. Micah, how long have you been dating your girlfriend? Two years almost.

Two years. Wow. And is there trouble in paradise? Nope. Smooth sailing. That's good. Because that's the other thing is like feeling lonely in terms of like relationship woes. Running through the sticks with them or not.

You're not even trying to get to know Micah. You just wanted to insert yourself after his comment. Because that's something we could connect on if he said trouble in paradise. Then I could say, well, you know, you should do. You should break up. And then suddenly he and I are single guys out on the town out with a frown so much so that the crease of your forehead forms just so johnny let's talk about fashion how does that intersect with fascia what is fascia it's a build-up of tissue as you grow i mean correct me if i'm wrong marika

but it's a build-up of tissue as you grow that forms around your bones and muscles uh and it's a buildup of tissue as you grow i mean correct me if i'm wrong marika but it's a buildup of tissue as you grow that forms around your bones and muscles uh and it's kind of usually why people have uh you know posture issues you can have it broken up but it's one of the things you can do oh sorry yeah i'm burning a pie attend to the pie. No, it's, you know, when you're like making s'mores, some people just dip their thing in the fire and it burns and they like it that way. That's how I like my fucking poison.

Berry. Berry. Somebody did make a mock-up of a tour poster for the HeadGum podcast, and I'd love to do a tour this year if we can, calling it the Poison Tour. And it looked amazing. I'll shout them out individually as soon as I pull this up on my Twitter.

I actually think it should be called the Joyzen Tour. You came up with the idea of the Joyzen Tour. Or the Poison Tour. It came in from Isabel at is4bellsamuel on Instagram. I meant it's it might be their their instagram is the worst um but yeah we're going we should do the joys and tour tour

this year would any of you guys want to come on that tour on the day sure we should do our tour should just be out of a bus like we should rent a bus and just do live shows in parking lots illegally. Oh, I thought you meant no. I think we should do them in big theaters where we make a lot of money and like people see the marquee, which is kind of intriguing. And we pick up some new fans along the way. But we travel from show to show on a bus like those old rock bands who get closer because of it yeah i'm in for the parking lot idea yeah co-signing i actually had this idea where we don't go to major metropolitan areas yeah we go like just 10 miles out of it so people

like at like really small bars but no one knows about sort of a Grateful Dead approach so we'll do Albany yeah we should do an amphitheater only tour that would be amazing but then we need the joys in to fill the air because it's easy to have a high-energy show when you're

in a smaller venue yeah I think it's easy to have a high energy show when you're in a smaller venue. Yeah. I think it's harder in arenas and amphitheaters. The issue is like we're going to sell out no matter what the venue is. I wonder how many tickets. No, I don't mean ticket sales. I mean like will be sellouts. I know. I'm just saying I wonder how many tickets you need to like guaranteed sell in order to book like a giant arena.

You know what I mean? Like imagine if as a bit we did a show at Madison Square Garden, but we like really campaigned for buy. I might be wrong, but I think they rent the place and then that's how they do it. So feasibly we could do it. Still a good bit. It is a good bet. That's the type of shit that I would do if I make billions of dollars on NFTs.

And how far are you in that? I've made a couple, a little over $1,000. And how much have you lost? None so far. Wow. Oh, so you're like net positive. I'm net positive in yeah don't get sad again

this was like this was probably the best the show has gone in weeks we're gelling off each other Mike has said net positive and then I thought about all the times that I had COVID and you know how lonely it is having COVID you know how many hours you have to do nothing and just think about how you don't connect with anybody

even though you know a lot of people according to Marika. I think you can also just connect with people. You can text them. You can be a better texter. You could FaceTime people. I think be a better texter is the best advice because he did text me while he had COVID. Something along the lines of why don't people like me?

It's just a real story. I think he emphasized the lines of why don't people like me this is a real story and then he I think he emphasized the text and I didn't respond which is really an awful move I also like texted Jeff about a work thing and he never responded to it I was drunk when you texted me that. Yeah, Klaus didn't upload the podcast at all. Oh, God. Yeah, I had to do it for you. Last week, I forgot how the show worked after having been off of the schedule for two weeks. Yeah.

Very clear. We do have to take a quick break, but we'll be back with a segment that I'm pretty damn excited about. And I think it's going to pull us all out of this trench that we call the HeadGum Podcast. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1, just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every day, no exceptions. Just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every day, no exceptions. And it helps me feel, you know, energized, focused, ready to take on the day.

Like I'm doing one powerfully healthy habit that's also powerfully simple. I know that AG1 gives my body high quality nutrition because every batch goes through a rigorous testing process so that you know it's safe. And their ingredients are sourced for potency, absorption, and nutrient density, all of which is very important and you don't always get with other leading nutrition brands. I like to drink it first thing in the morning. I'll have a glass of water. I'll have my AG1 and then I'll have my coffee. And it gets me set off to take on the day and to be centered and to feel like I did at least one good thing for my health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend to elevate your health, it's AG1.

That's why we partnered with them for so long. So if you want to take ownership of your health, start with AG1. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Check it out. This is the rhythm of the rice.

The rice. Oh yeah. The rhythm of the rice. This is the rhythm of my bite. My bite. Oh yeah. I'm biting into rice. Sing along if you know the words there's an instrumental break

we can't sing along to this part this is the worst part I am moving back and forth sorry now I'm pissed Johnny was talking over my entrance here we go don't do it over again Now I'm pissed. Johnny was talking over my entrance. Here we go. Don't do it over again.

Just move on. That was sick, dude. Did you write that? There's so much more to it up on my plate. Oh, sushi in a trendy place. Bake rice to burn too. And babe, I'll make some rice. Oh, I can eat all of your grains.

Feel you give my rice again. Round and round rice goes Each time I eat rice plain This is the rhythm of the rice The rice Oh yeah The rhythm of the rice This is the rhythm of my wife My wife

Oh yeah I marry tons of rice Sing along if you know the words Another instrumental break Sing along None of those lyrics made sense Yeah And we can't sing along because you wrote the song

This is your original creation But you teach me to eat some rice There's still more? No way And we can't sing along because you wrote the song. This is your original creation. Won't you teach me to eat some rice? There's still more? No way. I promise you it will suffice. Stop moving your arm, Leo. Tastes better than ice. Consistency of sand.

The coldest looking dancing I've ever seen. It's not the consistency of sand. I don't want to be without rice. But to be rice would bad be nice. Take me out to dine. There's only one place.

You know it's called Omsby. This is the rhythm of the rice. The rice. Oh yeah. The rhythm of the rice. This is the rhythm of my five. My five. Oh yeah.

I learned to play the five. This is the rhythm of the rise. Awful head movement. The rise. Oh yeah. He's pretty good at isolation. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. This is the rhythm of my strife

my strife oh yeah imagine going to the club and hearing this I don't like my life oh yeah there it is okay there we go and he's sad again and you deserve it

after that performance you deserve that kind of emotional that really didn't go well yeah because I don't really know that song very well yeah that was pretty apparent alright that's how the segment starts and then I

thought you guys could give me notes what is the segment the segment is I made a song and i need notes long green to a lot of people nice well all right so one major note you were singing a lot about rice and rice adjacent things which is i guess some sort of thematic uh thread you're kind of connecting as the parody. But you did mention that you could play the fife, which is very non-rice related.

And I want you to adjust that. Yeah. Also, yeah, you rhymed rice with wife and fife, which aren't really rhymes. So maybe I feel like there's a decent amount of ice type words. You could change those too. Yeah. Is that it? Are you listening to our?

There's no rebuttals until the end. So I think, I think it should be an open dialogue. I think you should. All right. Then I'm kind of pissed. Cause like those notes didn't take into account like how much time this took. It definitely didn't take long account how much time this took.

It definitely didn't take long, right? It was about 10 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. So that's really not long. In fact, that's really fast for writing a song parody. For a song you don't know. Parody. Yeah.

Can we just zoom in on some of these verses? Because I feel like I didn't know the rhythm of the song. Ironically, I didn't know the rhythm of the song. Okay. This is the rhythm of the song. Teach me It's, won't you teach me how to eat some rice? I promise you it will suffice. Tastes better

than ice. Consistency of sand. Yeah, so that was the part I was gonna... That part's kind of good. You say that it has the consistency of well cause you say that it has the consistency

of sand right and it doesn't rice rice yeah they're both grains oh I guess like

dry rice no don't even give them that kind of credit because it really is not feel like rice in your mouth

and if anything like grits like that's the consistency of sand, right? Uncooked grits, but not rice. Not like a full grain of rice. Quinoa, if we're stretching the definition and stretching that feeling. Yeah. You could put some soy upon my plate.

Sushi in a trendy place. Bake rice to burn to. And baby, I'll make rice taste. The reason that this took you 10 minutes to write is because none of the words make sense together. That makes sense. That's a poetic stanza about going to a fancy sushi spot. Baby, I'll make rice taste. And that's the end of the sentence.

Burn rice to what? To burn to. Baked rice to burn to. Can you explain that? Maybe we're just not understanding the vision of the creator. So if you can explain it succinctly mind you. This stanza is

about me putting soy sauce on rice. You could put some soy upon my plate. That's the first line. In a trendy place. Make rice to burn to. Sticky rice. Not sticky rice, sorry. Crispy rice.

And babe, I'll make rice taste. So basically, not only is there soy on it, which gives more taste to rice, but you're making rice taste of you. So you put the rice on your tongue. Of you? That's making you taste rice. And rice is tasting you, in a way. If you want to, again, stretch. It's sort of poetic. It's like using imagery.

It's using words. Using words and imagery. Poems use words, yeah. Poems use words to create imagery imagery and that's what i've done are you not picturing yourself at katsuya no no no micah i'm not really like i can tell that micah really wants to defend you but he really can't find any any things to latch on to this is is the rhythm of the rise. Oh, that was really good, Micah. It's the same thing I said.

But he had a lot of gumption. The rise. I like it because I'm saying it. I also did the arm thing. You guys screwed it up. No, it was a different arm thing. This one's better. I varied mine.

This is the rhythm of your wife. You know why. Fine. Let's just move on. Thanks for the notes. Okay. That was the segment that we're really going to enjoy. No way.

You said this was long. Oh, God. Jesus. How familiar are you guys with as seen on TV products very I yeah I watch TV that's cool Micah yeah I've seen this one

all right I thought we could kind of punch some of these up it's a picture of oxy clean for the yeah yeah gotta say that yeah we're looking at oxy clean here I'm saying how can we punch this up how can we make it a little bit more interesting than just a versatile laundry stain remover? The punch it up?

Product more interesting? Yeah. What do you mean, punch it up? In terms of changing the name or what's on the label or the product itself? Listen, we're confronting a changing media landscape all right we're not really seeing commercials as much as we used to people have youtube premium people have hulu all right people have netflix these are things that

don't have commercial breaks and um that but these products still exist i looked it up everything that we're going to see still exists uh and i want to see how we can create a product that's so interesting we don't even need it to be as seen on tv so for oxyclean i was thinking hydroxy clean so it's hydroxychloroquine for your laundry so that when you wash a shirt uh covid can't get to you it's not based in science so science. So we're taking these products and we're changing them. To be better.

To be better. Yeah. Products that sell themselves. OxyClean being the first. It doesn't have to rhyme. I'm just really good at business. Okay, sorry. HydroxyClean, you said?

Yeah, HydroxyClean. OxyCream. Oh, that that's good cream that makes you clean so you don't have to shower anymore well isn't showering like you kind of laugh you get a lather going with like bar soap or body wash that's kind of a cream conditioner is a cream well i guess in a way but i mean you don't you need no water you just kind of rub it on you and then you're guess in a way, but I mean, you need no water. You just kind of rub it on you and then you're clean. Like a dry shampoo but it's for your whole body. I just do think that's soap.

Yeah, but you have to wash it off, correct? You just said you need a lather. I don't know. I mean, it sounds like Purell, but cream which would make people probably feel a little bit uncomfortable physically. I think it's a powder. I think it's still a powder like oxy clean but it's called oxy cream it's powder and then you kind of like you do add some friction no you you add some friction no

you're making it up now Add a little bit of friction and then it becomes Some sort of liquidy substance And you rub that on your body But that doesn't have science behind it Yeah I thought we were just kind of trying to punch it up These are just ideas Jeffrey what

You like sort of lack vision Nicely saying the rudest thing you could say To an entrepreneur You sort of lack vision. Nicely saying the rudest thing you could say to an entrepreneur. I want Johnny on Shark Tank. Sitting in his chair doing that same thing that he's doing right now with his hand. Kind of slowly rubbing his thumb and first finger together like he's playing the world's tiniest violin. But smiling like he might buy the idea. Pretty whack industries up pretty whack industries

pretty whack industries alright Marika, Micah do you guys have any last minute pitches for Oxygen? Yeah I got it alright let's go digital holy shit okay I like this a stain remover not just for physical stains but for any

stains from your past that are on the internet. I like that. So you install OxiClean as an ad blocker type thing and it deletes any problematic tweets you might have had from the last decade. And anything else you've done on the internet that somebody could zero

in on and try to... I like that. It's actually a really smart product. That is. The fuck? Could be called ProxyClean. Nice. You said not only in on and try to i like that it's actually a really smart product that is the fuck could be called proxy clean nice you said not only cleans physical things that means it also does clean physical things yeah it emits uh uh one of those a uv light oh all right marika um moxie mean it's the same container same container so like a jar of sorts but in it's just a bunch of different slips of paper with insults or encouragement for you so you can pull one out and it just teaches you how to be meaner, more aggressively, and more confidently.

That's not a bad idea. That sounds almost like a party game. Yeah, could be a party game. I'm willing to change that. Yeah. Because I take criticism well, and I'm willing to accept notes on my ideas. A lot of celebrities say that you can't believe the good press unless you fuck

let's just move on snuggie classic as seen on tv product what if it was the druggie so it's a snuggie same product but it kind of gets you high so you burn it and it's made of hemp so you burn it and it's made of hemp yes yes yes yes so by the end fire fire alarm going off again by the way yeah that's a that was a plan drug you burn it you burn it while it's on you i made a prototype it's on fire i was test never mind i'm gonna cut this out but I was saying I was testing it in the Bronx no I'm gonna go blue with my idea it's called a tuggy

we know exactly what it is Marika you didn't let me finish let's hear it it's a snuggie with a glory hole all right let's move on because obviously yeah you didn't there are no awes and oohs from anybody is it still is it still a glory hole if it's in a blanket i think so that's a story hole because you can kind of get off while hearing a bedtime story oh god what

all right let's move on, you can just skip me. No one's going to top Johnny's idea. Yeah. All right, let's move on. The of glove. Okay. Classic. It's going to be an oven mitt that fits over your entire hand.

I'm thinking the love glove. And I'm thinking maybe we could use the same thought process as the Tuggy because it's a reusable oven mitt slash latex glove for anal play basically how does this mitt fit not only inside of you but also

a Bertazzoni a Bertazzoni it's like an Italian top of the line in range i have no answer i don't know the science but i think it's a good idea just i do have an idea um yeah it can still be called the of glove um and essentially it's a companion to the druggie. Companion piece. It's a companion to the druggie, which also is the tuggie.

So the druggie has a hole in it. And while that's burning, you cover yourself with the glove. Okay. To protect your most sacral parts. That's really good. Because now we're thinking in terms of monopolies. Vertical integration. That's right.

As heard on podcast. That's good. No, yeah, I don't know. I think the, yeah, some sort of integration with the Tuggy is great. That's good. I think in the shove glove. Oh, alright.

I had a bad idea. I thought you were just going to go to me, but the shove glove. It's like um brass knuckles but only for pushing people is it is it does it have brass on it or does it look exactly like this it looks exactly like the of glove see how there's the uh rubber rubber lining yeah so like when you push somebody it's fine but you push somebody it works your hands can like kind of slip off that way like you can get some real traction let's move on to the

next thing i mean when they talk about entrepreneurship they talk about finding like a gap in the market like something what how do you satisfy someone's need with a new product i just don't think people are gonna to buy gloves to shove people because you never know when you're going to shove people. Yeah, but isn't it nice to be prepared? People buy guns, but they're not looking over their shoulder every day, every waking moment of their lives. Yeah.

I guess that's a good argument for not only the shove glove, but for guns. You can go to a mosh pit with a shove glove. Maybe if everyone at that Travis Scott concert with a shove glove oh yeah maybe if everyone at that travis scott concert had a shove glove think about it think about it all right the theragun this isn't really as seen on tv and i knew you would say that let's just act like it is theragun what's the idea that you've pre-prepared in order to say that there again is an as seen on tv product they're a stun

a personal massager that can also act as a self-defense item okay issue with the prototype that i have concocted is that it's hard to tell when it's in stun mode or massage mode so yeah you should get that fixed yeah like we would fix it if we went to market okay you should fix it during the prototyping phase no let me show you how it works. Yeah, you don't want that. Let me show you the massage. You die. Let's hear some ideas. Come on. So, it's called the Tuggy.

Instead of the massager, it's just a fleshlight. Oh, I like that. That's a good one. Is there a way... Can we do a dildo version of that too? Of course. This is just my Shark Tank concept. Okay, then I dildo version of that too? Of course. This is just my Shark Tank concept. Okay, then I want to buy your whole company.

Yeah. Wow. America? What are you... There's only so much you can do with this. Because it's a pretty good product. Or it's a stun gun. All right, all right.

My pillow. My Zillow. It's a pillow that you can browse houses on. The gap in the market is you. Yeah. Yeah. Because right now I'll be in bed, you know, late at night, can't fall asleep. And I'm like, well, let me see what the market's like in Bozeman.

And I open Zillow and I'm like, damn, like, the market's like in bozeman and i opened zillow and i'm like damn like you know how much nicer it'd be if i just could have my face in the pillow and be browsing so it's almost a vr headset um but the only capability is zillow we just put your head in the pillow it's well so it would basically be like the middle of the pillow would be hollowed out and there would be like a uh the uh is it aura no what's the fucking the vr headset that everybody has oculus oculus would be built and we partner with oculus you put your head in to the pillow and into the oculus and um suddenly you're looking at a duplex in fucking Chad. That's kind of cool. Yeah.

Why stop at Zillow? Couldn't it just be like a screen that you could I mean isn't this VR? You're not fucking getting it. It's only Zillow. Okay. Okay. Because you don't want too many distractions when you're not fucking getting it it's only zillow okay okay because you don't want too many

distractions when you're in bed like you know i think all of us have a kind of messed up relationship with sleep because we're on our phones we're you know so you're thinking that having zillow access to zillow on a pillow is going to be less distracting for you to go to bed how's that any different than a nicotine lozenge it's's going to help people get away from, you know, let's say you open your laptop, you open your phone to Zillow. You say, I'm only going to look at a couple of houses, then I'm going to go to sleep. But then you get a text, then you get an email, then you see a video on YouTube.

Suddenly you're browsing for another two and a half hours. This would be a way to not only wean people off of being on their phones and laptops and screens in bed, but also find them a new place to rest their head Myzilla

It's a terrible idea and there's no real gap in the market whatever gap in the market you're thinking of is facetious for sure Alright Do you guys have any ideas? Whatever gap in the market you're thinking of is facetious, for sure. All right. Do you guys have any ideas?

I do. And this is actually a pretty good one. So they can have an offshoot of this called Sky Pillow, and it's designed specifically for when you're flying in an airplane. That's good. Thank you. Airplane pillows are important maybe huge okay so just because you don't see a gap in the market doesn't mean there is no well they already have the neck pillows yeah neck pillows so it's just my pillow neck edition no sky pillow sky oh that's pretty

good also it's i think they should call it your pillow because i see this guy oh it's his pillow my yeah he is holding it like it's his yeah uh jake wrong so wrong how long you've been waiting on that too late way too late perfect product we just need a closer up images of his face it's not enough we need more pictures of his face

on every side of the box every facade I have one fry pillow so it's a pillow filled with rye we convince everyone that that's like the new thing in terms of like what a pillow can be filled with sure then once people are done using it they can just cook with the rye flour they can mill their own flour are you concerned about like mold or something growing no so close to your face for eight hours a day she's not concerned it's in it's in plastic and then there's the pillow covering

but so you are recognizing there's gonna be bowls and the way you mitigate that is not replacing the rye but just putting it it's air sealed so it's hard as a rock oh and then it's in plastic and then it's covered with something soft you start a new pandemic because you put rye in a bag all right um scrub daddy scrub daddy the headquarters is in south jersey i pass by it a lot i love it love this is that the highest res photo you could find yeah i mean no but i i didn't know it was this low. I just kind of opened in a new tab. What about the Scrub Zaddy?

So it's a sponge shaped like Jeff Goldblum. Alright. That's good. Thank you guys. Scrub Duty, just for the toilet. That's good. Mm-hmm. It's easy just for the toilet that's good mm-hmm it's easy to clean the toilet yeah scrub fatty it's an aluf dudes for all the bad boys out there scrub patty

for the grill for the Irishman in your life I was gonna say for the Irishman just a four leaf clover that's good and you only use it for cleaning potatoes it's only made of natural products and fibers

I like scrub patty a lot yeah scrub patty's good because you need those things to clean off your potatoes and vegetables and stuff like that when you can get them that's an Irish potato famine joke here we go off your potatoes and vegetables and stuff like that. When you can get them. That's an Irish potato famine joke.

Here we go. Squatty potty. What about the squatty knotty? So it's a leg rest that gets you off on the john. How? I think we could integrate the Theragun idea that... So the leg, you're matching everyone's legs are their erogenous zones.

And they want that while they're going to the bathroom. I was imagining more that there'd be a mechanism attached to the squatty-knottie that would integrate, and again, this is vertical integration, Micah's version of the Theragun that acts as a fleshlight that's motorized and or a dildo and for those most adventurous out there you could do both at once so you put your legs up on the squatty naughty suddenly the squatty naughty enters you and you hit you're getting off at work because you can't focus otherwise i just i feel like i need to break down the mechanics of this a little bit because squatty potty you rest your feet on it but you're saying you put your legs on it while you're on the toilet correct so where is the where's the theragun integration so there'd be kind of a rod that pops up here that you're sort of straddling with two things on a rotating uh kind of not how is it rotating it definitely

we'll have engineers we'll have engineers the rotating is as as you you'll press a button here on the squatty potty and then that kind of puts into place based on what parts you have uh to see if you want the dildo uh in front if you want it in back if you don't want it at all if you want the fleshlight on your member or rubbing up against any other of your parts and uh but my my my vision for it if used correctly would be rod dildo fleshlight squatty naughty your legs are already up and at attention up and adam sponsored by adam and eve sold in the adam and eve store you're giving this so much thought like you have the whole mental blueprint yeah the mental blueprint for this machine why do you think i'm always going to the bathroom at work i'm thinking

about shit go everybody goes to the bathroom you do spend a lot of time in the bathroom yes thinking shit okay okay so that makes a lot of prototypes how is this going to be like a silent product that is the issue we have that is the issue that's the hurdle also i feel like the i feel like the theragun uh thing should be part of the toilet kind of like the um like a bidet you know what i mean right and so instead of having a rod wow i'm not trying to get into the toilet game i'm trying to get into the squatty potty game having a rod that comes out. Wow. This is getting crazy. I'm not trying to get into the toilet game.

I'm trying to get into the squatty potty game. I mean, it could be like a tushy situation. You're not trying to get into the toilet game. It's a toilet accessory. All right. Well, you know what? This is why we go out. If you weren't trying to get into the toilet game,

you picked the wrong product. All right. Then I like this idea actually a lot. So it'll be the Squatty Naughty. It comes with the Squatty Naughty and then also a Tushy-like accessory that you do have to put under the toilet seat that includes the Theragun Dildo Edition and the Theragun Fleshlight Edition. You're getting fucked

and milked on the Squatty Naughty at work. Fucked and milked. And you know who one of our biggest fucking buyers might be in bulk? on the squatty naughty at work fucked in milk and you know who one of our biggest fucking buyers might be in bulk sperm donation centers exactly right because I don't know if you guys have ever tried to donate sperm

but it's really hard in a clinical environment to be excited about anything and this makes it better the thinking is taken out of the equation the squatty naughty does all the work it doesn't take the it takes the excitement out of it

right excitement's different from the act two separate things you're still sitting on a toilet in a doctor's office It's different from the act. Two separate things. You're still sitting on a toilet in a doctor's office. Can I just pitch you our slogan before you completely say no in the room? Mm-hmm.

Squatty-naughty. Fill and be filled. Then we can get, like, fill of the future branded content get like fill of the future branded content going fill of the future a Disney show because people love reboots

there's a fresh Prince of Bel-Air drama series coming out it's not that's not real that was a fan made trailer no it wasn't it's an NBC show no way Marika can you vouch for this oh no it's hbo i think i'm pretty sure it's real yeah i think i saw this earlier too god what the hell then we can

definitely get phil of the future to promote phil and be phil that's his name right like he's a real person you want him to go back into character for this it does feel like something that would have been invented during his time the 22nd century yeah so let's get ahead of the game yeah fine do you guys have pictures for the squatty potty

hot toddy potty you stand on it and uh it's also a flask you stand on it and uh it's also a flask you stand on it and it's a flask how do you drink you gotta pick it back up it's not a see the squatty potty is not attached to any kind of floor surface you can pick it back up take it with you so it's still the purpose of it is still the squatty potty it just also was a flask on it yeah got it yeah and you're not concerned the fact that it's on the floor of a bathroom all day that you're going to be putting your lips to it and drinking from it uh i mean

we've survived this long with covid going around i think that we can our bodies can handle pretty much anything at this point. Yeah, I guess you can brush off any safety concern that way. We're all in here, aren't we? I guess. Ferris, cut that silence out. You shouldn't have gone that way.

I feel, can I offer another option for the hot toddy potty, which I guess is not going to involve alcohol, but it's a squatty potty with like a straw situation. So you can sip on something and maybe you're sipping on like Pedialyte or Gatorade because you're sitting on the toilet for so long and you need to rehydrate. Where is the Pedialyte coming from? where is the pedialyte coming from uh you you essentially are screwing a bottle under the squatty potty with the straws we do have to say that pedialyte bottles are kind of they're like 14 inches tall probably and the spotty potty i think is like eight so it will be taller squatty

potty yeah which arguably i think is better for a better... Way too tall. You missed the toilet. I mean, we don't even have to stand the bottle upright. You can kind of tilt it horizontally. We can also sell our own version of Pedialyte. So now we're tapping into a new market, but it comes in a pouch.

Potty and it's basically like flavored salt water it's like a bladder that you put under the yeah oh yeah and it's refrigerated and then for the more deep pocketed customers we could they could even have you know like richer people have like well water um it could be like well Pedialyte Pottyalite sorry and so like you basically like twice a year someone comes and refills this like 18 gallon thing of podiolite that's subterranean and connects to the squatty potty

yeah did you just come up with podiolite or was that said Johnny said that it's really good thank you also you said rich people have well water but I have a good story that is just my dad goes to an old plantation and gets well water to drink from it damn just to drink why does why doesn't he get a brita

he likes the well water so that it tastes better all right we gotta have your dad on this show because he's kind of become a staple past three weeks he's cool but he shouldn't be on the show you don't want to give him a platform no all right well we do have to wrap things up here

thank you guys for your notes on my ideas I think you guys brought some amazing ideas to the table and I think maybe we'll try and see if we can get some funding for one of these i think maybe the best one we came up with is the squatty probably the squatty potty the one that marika just came up with or the squatty naughty i think we maybe take both of those to market and i think marika's was really good i think the squatty naughty was perfect not for lack of a better term it was just not that's a lot of great because you're kind of like you're one of the naughtier people i know and in terms of like getting fucked and fucking

i feel like you would enjoy that experience as would i there's a gap in this would ruin my relationship with sex in what way exactly i'd be violated on my toilet it's the most vulnerable i feel on a daily basis but then you by comparison when you're in an actual sexual scenario with a partner you wouldn't feel as vulnerable so you'd be able to feel more confident more aware of your body because you're not on the potty that's not how that's gonna work yeah I think I think also the druggy Tuggie of gets you high off and protects your junk Oh plugs what do we got going on what do you guys want to point the people to you don't have to plug anything sometimes we go around the horn it takes another five minutes just chime in if you

have something for us all of your guys's jeff you're you're living on so if people are listening to this show in brooklyn and new york go over there don't your eyes lit up as you said go over there like he would love to have you it's at least in new york i have some level of protection uh because there's and i mean i only say level protection because there's a lot of people that want to get to me to harm me because of how i conduct myself on the show um in la i live live in a house. It's not protected in any way. Here where we have a super who smokes cigarettes in the hallway. Yeah, that's probably why the smoke alarm

is going off. Probably. Probably. You do feel more secure in an apartment than a house, that's true. But not as baller. Depends on the apartment. Jake's house versus Nick Rad's true yeah but not as baller depends on the apartment yeah nick rad's apartment that's right that's the comparison the moonlight

it's crazy instagram johnny v j-o-h-n-n-y-v-i-i i post fun stuff man that's it man that's it yeah that's it follow me on twitter and instagram and letterboxd I'm Marie Galon also if I were you

fan favorite podcast is now a video podcast subscribe to that on the FIU channel which you can find somewhere on the HeadGum channel or by searching FIU I'm doing my job Mike uh Jake's been doing this podcast

he's your brother you guys are like best of friends for like 8 years do you give a shit about the podcast yeah it's not for you guys i'm not telling you to watch the podcast i'm telling the people are listening to this because they found out who we are through jake and amir to go watch their podcast but but separate question micah do you give a shit about what about jake's shit yeah it's awesome yeah it's all watch it that's my plug too it's awesome i agree you said

that jake and micah knew each other for eight years and more probably yeah they've known each other all their lives jake went or micah went to fucking college in California for four years. Well, Jake was out there. Really? Fuck. I can't do anything right on this show. At Jeffrey James on Instagram, at Jeff Boyardi on Twitter. Mariko, why don't you take us home today?

I don't want to. I don't want to.