The Headgum Podcast - 87: This Suuucks (w/ Billy Scafuri!)

Episode Date: January 28, 2022

Billy Scafuri (No Joke podcast) joins Amir, Marika, and Geoff to discuss being bricked up, aperitifs, and play a round of HeadGum Podcast trivia! Check out the newest Headgum podcast, Enemies with Liza Treyger!  Subscribe to the new Keeping Records YouTube channel for new video episodes with Caleb Hearon & Shelby Wolstein every Friday!  Listen to Billy's podcasts, No Joke & Buckets. BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. There's layers to the shit, player. Tiramisu, Tiramisu. Nice. He's got, he's in the... Tiramisu, Tiramisu. Downtown.

There's actually not that many layers to this song or Tiramisu. No, but yeah, we'll play it again but just the I thought that was you like groaning No Just listen Let my coattail drag but I ain't tiramisu Let's ride it out It's an anthem though

I mean Oh I see Yeah This is the part Jake likes The warm embrace Right Of a leather seat between your legs. You don't want no

big boy. Sorry. Does everybody I know we're recording but are you guys ready? Like do you feel good? Are you going to bring the energy?

Yeah. Okay. Can I get verbal confirmation from Billyy i was dancing to the theme he was dancing i just want to make sure we're starting this one out on the right foot because i feel like the past couple weeks have been less than par people in the comments have said we it was a return to form our best episodes yet that's less less than far as like what you strive for in golf yeah but so far is below average what happened last episode that made it so successful so that we can try and mimic it again it wasn't successful it was just us like talking about shit and like friends connecting over bullshit that nobody all right so then i'll

start the conversation jeffrey why are you acting like a crybaby right yeah you're kind of like all right now where the show has started and the energy is even worse than before i don't want to dance anymore yeah yeah yeah welcome to another edition of the HeadGum Podcast. Friday, January 28th? What the fuck is that? Another month. Another date.

Yeah. Can't believe dry January is almost over. Have you been participating? In dry January? In what regard? Because I know some people do it for alcohol some people do it for just in any way dry ice January dry ice bucket challenge we've got

January we've got Billy Scafuri on the fax Marikaika Brown on the sax. And Amir Blumenfeld bringing up the rear. Happy birthday, Amir. It's not my birthday. So late. Last week. It's like 12 days after the fact. Actually, we're recording on my dad's birthday. So we can give him a shout out.

What's his name? Derone? Just happy birthday to my dad. Moving on. Happy birthday, Mr. Blumenfeld. That's right. You don't get to call him by Moving on. Happy birthday, Mr. Blumenfeld. That's right. You don't get to call him by his first name. I'm sorry.

You don't know him by his first name. Jeffrey, what do you do for your dad on his birthday? Um, you know, send him a, a gift. I feel like I caught you off guard here.

Oh, here's different. Here's a question. My dad's birthday is Saturday. What should I get him? Because I have not bought anything. Send him something perishable. Okay, go on.

Like go to Martha's Country Bakery in Williamsburg and get the Napoleon with berries. Ship it to him. He has sent me cookies. Oh, that's great. He sent me cookies for my birthday from Bird Cookie Company in Savannah. What are some of his interests, Marika? You know, cooking.

Well water. Well water. Rice. What about an O about a gift card to a place all the way across the country that doesn't even exist anymore yeah i should i should honestly buy him an exactly rice t-shirt oh that's pretty good you won't understand it at all because what does it even mean but uh yeah yeah yeah he's you know he's he's gardening a lot um oh wow cooking a lot you know what might have that uh special touch lets him know that you really know him and care about him is a starbucks gift card um yeah five that's so standard five dollars starbucks itunes Can't even get the biggest size.

Yeah. Trenti. Do you guys have any friends that don't know their parents' birthdays? Hmm. No. It's a very specific thing that's come up a few times where I've talked to somebody like, I don't know. I keep forgetting if my dad's birthday is like the 23rd or the 24th of January. And I always think that's really fucked up.

I did have some friends that didn't remember their parents' birthdays, but it was because they didn't celebrate birthdays for their religion. What religion is that? Christian science. No birthday celebration. That's a bad one to have then. So you don't take medicine or have happiness on your day but when you stub your toe they give you a cake i think it was really at least in their

family left open like the the kids still celebrated birthdays but the parents daniel back at it again with the wife so loud so. So loud. Can you guys accurately say what your parents' anniversary is? I can't because it's insane. What makes it so insane? Well, they got married on 9-11. So that's a big one. And then it was also. Not 2001.

No, but it did happen during a tragedy in their lives they got married in 1972 the week of like the munich um olympics like israeli wrestler assassinations oh like they got married during like already a terrible tragedy and then it became an even more localized version of that tragedy when they moved to America. And then, yeah, 9-11. So, yes, my parents' birthday, 9-11. And I will never forget. You don't think that they were sort of the first domino to fall?

And if they hadn't have wed, that those two things wouldn't have happened? I'm sorry to even ask. things wouldn't have happened i'm sorry to even ask you're like fucking rock hard thinking about the fact that the butterfly effect actually started with my parents and ended with 9-11 also there's no way the correlation is so non-existent that it literally could have been any day like yeah it's so far removed they could their anniversary could have been like in january and it would have been the same right yes yeah I'm all bricked up no I am hard

there it is what you're all what was that worth losing the ad revenue on YouTube was that moment where we spoke over you was that worth losing the ad revenue on YouTube? Was that moment where we spoke over you, was that worth losing the ad revenue on YouTube, Chad? Because it's out the window now, gone. This is all now just for fun.

I'm all bricked up. That's not really, it was like a, it was a cover or something. It's a karaoke thing with a backing track. And I really was hoping to find one without the backing track. But instead of I'm all shook up, I'm all bricked up. I'm hard as a rock and have nowhere to go. I've been kind of tucking the little thing into my belt loop.

Move on. Move on from whatever you're doing right now. No, I know. I have about 45 minutes. I have like 45 minutes I got like 45 minutes major key alert milk everything for what it's worth don't say milk after that oh god I lost my voice a little chef you text me she a lot and i'm gonna i just want to be i want to put this on record right now stop just stop like i don't i told him you're fun yeah i told under months ago i'm not a she guy not a big fan of the she i don't yeah i don't care if my friends do it

they seem to be having fun with it have fun I've tried in various ways via text being like I don't understand what that means don't send that to me now I'm on screen locked in telling you stop sending me she not interested there it is

on record thank you there it is on record thank you right started right right right yeah right um there's been a slew of new hires at head gum billy can you speak to that uh yeah we've got jenny uh who is uh typing away we've got Jenny, who is typing away. We've got new hire Jerry, who's doing great with sales. Fred and Stacy are hitting the ground running with localized attachments. And then, of course, we have Peter and Peter 2. And they work in narcotics. What? Narcotics.

Sales. Peter and Peter 2 work in sales. Narcotics, I thoughtotics i thought we don't have a yeah we don't drug dealers that had to go no i am genuinely curious are there new hires at headcount yeah we're looking at an anya we're looking at a michelle we're looking at a casey we're looking at a john wow we're looking at kayla we're looking at gianna gianna's been on the show before the others are brand new and uh we don't know what quite to make of them we don't know who's gonna be a good addition and who's gonna be gone within the year we don't know who's gonna be gone all of us have talked to them except for you you're gonna be gone

you're gonna be gone within a year yeah so it's me and not Moriarty yes probably everyone is more important than you and your attitude is poor alright that's fine yes that's fine

love that octave it's all company the fals love that all company and you know what the falsetto from jeff this is a little whispered falsetto you know he means it when he talks like this yeah yeah um what are your guys's opinions um on the new h? Who's your favorite? Who's your least favorite? Who do you think is not really an addition? You know what I mean? So like they're on the team.

Why are we still on this topic? They're all great. We're all excited. They're all bricked up. No. No. They're just awesome co-workers and soon to be friends of ours.

Soon to be friends. Yeah. I'm rooting for Johnny. Johnny's locked in to your point. He's not a new hire.. I'm rooting for Johnny. Johnny's locked in to your point. He's not a new hire. You can still root for him. No, I'm just rooting for him

in general. Always a fan. He and I are doing a wine night on Thursday. A what? A wine night. Let's dig into your guys' weekend adventures

because you posted a photo of Johnny sitting by himself in front of a mirror. Correct. What did you guys get up to? We, sorry, my leg's asleep. We went to the gutter. This is like real flirt sleepover body language right now. Yeah. Tell us about your hot weekend with Johnny.

We went to the gutter in Williamsburg to bowl. Three and a half hour wait. You get a number like you're at a deli counter, and ours was, you guessed it, 69. And that was all we needed. You know, that sort of made the night fun. It imbued a certain passion and joy to the night's festivities.

What else did we do, you ask? We played pool. We played strip solitaire on an ATM machine. We had a couple of gansets, Mara or otherwise and we we just waxed a little bit you know a little bit of that a little bit of this people were friends were meeting each other left then right uh are you laying on your stomach or are you sitting down yeah are you laying on your stomach are you sitting down i'm surprised his feet aren't kicked up and crossed yeah behind just like talking about the gossip and the drama and the nude solitaire.

Holding the mic. Yeah. Like it's an issue of Cosmopolitan magazine and you're taking a quiz with the girls during a sleepover. Or are you sitting down? No, he's laying down. He's babysitter club. He's like reading in a tent right now. It's hard to focus because my leg's even more asleep since I moved.

Noted. Congrats. Your leg's been asleep since you moved to New York? You've had a numb appendage for a month and a half? Yeah. you've had a numb appendage for a month and a half yeah what's that song in greece where it's like the slumber party people are laying like that tell me more tell me more we'll see all bricked up no it's the first song it's like um yeah she sings about like wanting to go to like become like a like a makeup specialist or something like that beauty beauty school dropout yeah that's during the sleepover i don't think so is it i don't know i don't know grace well

yeah well someone will let us know over Twitter, I'm sure. I'm all bricked up. Nice. That's good. Why is it good when Billy does it? It was the timing. Nobody laughed when I did it. It was the timing. It was the fact that Billy did it.

And you can hear it clearly. Yeah. I'll continue to fill this silence. Marika, can you explain to me? We all saw it on your Instagram stories recently. You bought a $14 something at a farmer's market. It looked like a mushroom and it looked like it could have ruined your day. What happened?

Yeah, thank you for asking. It was a hen of the woods on toast. Can you mute yourself for a second? I want to hear the answer. Jeff ruined the story. Yeah, so I walked to my local green market on Sunday with the goal of buying mushrooms and bread to make mushrooms on toast. And I got there.

I went to the mushroom guy. I was like, what's your credit card? The fun guy. Nice. I was like, what's your credit card minimum? He was like, $6. I was like what's your credit card nice I was like what's your credit card minimum he was like $6 I was like great I will find a I assume small mushroom

that will be worth that picked one out gave it to him he was like that'll be $14 and I could not say no thank you could you like weigh it to find out or are you just totally at the mercy of the moment no it was

like I weighed it yeah Jeff could you Marika don't let him win don't let him win it was a situation where I didn't feel comfortable enough like taking the mushroom and putting it back in the bin

for sure and it was like could i rip it into a piece probably not i don't know what the i don't know what the like uh that'll be a bold choice if you just snapped it in front of him now i guess right yeah so then i'm getting close to the minimum so yeah i had to i had to take it on the chin and buy the $14 mushroom, buy some bread. And then I went home, made it. I did a little. What is it other than mushroom on? Like, is there butter involved?

Is there olive oil? There's butter involved. Yeah. So I had some leftover like white beans that I had made a while ago. So those were really herby, white bean, lemony situation. I turned that into a little spread. I put that on the toast. I cooked the mushroom.

I crisped it in a cast iron. Did a little steak type thing where you douse it with the butter and a cast iron. Yeah. Did a little steak type thing where you like douse it with the butter. Yeah. Like in the time. Yeah. Holy shit. Got crispy. Spread on my bean liquid.

Where did you come up with this idea? Like I've never even heard of this food. Is this like something that you saw on a television show? I feel like I saw someone recently cooking mushroom toast. I've like made it before in multiple variations, and it reminded me. I was like, oh, that's a thing I can eat. And then, yeah, I put the toast in the same pan with the butter. Wow.

Put on the bean spread. Put on the mushrooms. Zested a little lemon zest on top excuse me getting hungry a little pepper excuse me like shaved a little parm like holy shit i'd be intrigued and then you have leftover mushrooms i did not i put them all in the bread and i ate it all so i had a dollar worth of homemade mushroom toast my god yeah i Yeah, I was looking at a $20 breakfast at that point, plus the apple cider that I bought at the farmer's market. Not to mention the labor. Not to mention the labor.

It's supposed to be cheaper when you do it at home. Yeah, and it certainly was not. So I won't be buying mushrooms from the farmer's market again. That's what I learned. I'm in shop local by all means, but it couldn't be me for a 14 my talkie uh so yeah that was my weekend fortunately unfortunately let's stop you can't how are you gonna edit out video man how are you gonna edit that we'll tell we'll tell grayson bar yeah the worst part is at least

somebody else the worst part is the mariki just gave us this full lesson and how she kind of like stumbled into learning that she didn't know what the price of this thing was she still went through it and it kind of put her in this position that is exactly when you're supposed to drop major key alert yeah and then say don't buy something without knowing the price but you were so busy with this stupid Notes app gag that you weren't paying attention to. And yes, 100%. And we actually missed the first opportunity probably in HeadGum podcast

history to hit major key alert and drop some sort of lesson. But no, Notes app. In a sincere way. And now it's also like... An obligation for Grayson. I was going to say, all right, commercial break, I guess. Yeah.

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I just was starting to get a little fragile yeah cause you were in charge you weren't driving the car for four seconds so you start feeling threatened and annoyed okurr action okurr I get that should we bring that back um aperitifs

what do we know about them are we fans at all does this have to do with the wine date that you had the other night now you're like you learned something or something oh yeah a verna you know your shit brownlee yeah got this i have i have pims okay what are your thoughts i am more of a fan of the sweeter digestifs right so something else so not what you brought up you brought up one thing and then you're like actually i'm a fan of something else entirely just ask us about that you like what i asked about but i'm actually into this whole other thing marika's like yeah i got some of that too and you're like i've been doing gin tasting oh that is funny that is funny. That is funny. But we'd have to get to our first segment.

Is everybody fine with that? Can we move forward as a team instead of everybody coming at me all the time? Yeah, sounds great. Welcome to HeadGum Podcast Trivia. All right. None of this blank or nah. None of this, you know, Drew or Mariah. It's just trivia. All right.

I think it'd be fun. A, I thought that this would be fun because Marika and I have been trying to do trivia for the better part of a decade to no avail. And I mean, weren't you looking at real estate in Vail? No. You gonna say something about Zona Gale? Wiley Vail?

Frankie Yale? No. Rest in peace to all of them uh friends of the show uh it's just trivia but i uh because there's an odd number of you guys um i just can we split into two teams yeah sure we do marika and billy versus amir sure all right are you gonna be laying in this gossip position for the rest of the podcast you think you're fully committed at this point i think your legs look like like zoom down oh yeah they are yeah they are not across the ankles that's somebody else's legs see if you could play this whole game with your legs kicked up and your ankles crossed

oh i see he's leaning on a couch. Yeah. Oh, he's cheating. All right. So it's Marika and Billy versus Amir. Do you guys want to come up with team names? No. Got it.

All right. First up, Marika and Billy. Okay. In Greek mythology, who is the leader of the underworld? This is HeadGum Podcast trivia. Correct! Absolutely correct. So this is trivia about anything it just happens to be on the head gum podcast not like head

gum podcasts trivia no this is just trivia about anything got it alright team Amir what color does gold leaf appear to be if you hold it up to light yellow gold leaf appear to be if you hold it up to light? Yellow?

Green, actually. That's going to be green. Team Billy. What kind of light? Like a light bulb or a candle. Any light. Team Marika and Billy. Which house was Harry Potter sorted into Gryffindor nope that's the

name of the school I'll take Marika's I heard it first it is Gryffindor alright Team Shmuel at which hospital did the first heart transplant take place Yale Did the first heart transplant take place? Yale.

The correct answer is Groot Schur. Yeah. Did you know that? Yeah. That's amazing. The heart's a very important part of the body. You should learn. Agreed.

All right. Team Rika, team Billy. What color are cranberries? R ricky you want to take it yeah i'll take it you know red correct sometimes white sometimes white bonus points will be awarded like there's no yeah there's you're asking them incredibly easy question colors of fruits like first grader trivia and you're asking them incredibly easy questions. Colors of fruits, like first grader trivia, and you're asking me the name of Danish hospitals where medical history happened. AB, I usually agree with you on most things,

but everyone knows Gru, sure. Everyone knows Gru, sure. Okay. Sure, Gru, sure. You were kind of ground to stand on because Billy knew that. Also, I knew that gold leaf appears to be green. I don't know why you feel like publicly victimized. Maybe it's just that you don't have a teammate.

We're just playing around. We're just playing around. Keep it light. Keep it light, Jeff. Oh, sorry. I thought you were talking to Amir. All right. I'm talking to you now.

This is for Team Amir. In 1547, who became... I don't know anything about that year. That's such a long time ago. Just listen to the question, jerk. In 1547, who became the first czar of Russia? Nicholas. That's going to be Ivan IV.

The fourth? With the tarot ball. Exactly. that's gonna be Ivan the fourth the fourth terrible exactly what were like the first three doing if he's the first czar and he's not even the first Ivan he's the fourth Ivan and the first czar it's easier to be a czar

that's really good that's cool all right for team Billy and Marika spell the word A. Can I ask a question? Yes. Are we talking about like A, like hello? Or are you talking about the letter? Are you asking me to use it in a sentence?

Yeah, that would be great. All right. This is a sentence. Gotcha. Billy, do you want to take this one? I might have another question what country does this word derive from um it is english a you can't steal this thing that's actually gonna be points on the front and back end for billy and marika because amir interrupted

i guess not question i guess i got it right the correct correct answer was A. A. Cool, that makes sense. Quickly back to Team Amir. The Taj Mahal was constructed as the tomb of the wife of which Mughal emperor? Talk it out, Amy. Talk it out. I don't know anything about Mughal emperors. Mughal, nothing. So just start with general emperors,

and then maybe you'll stumble into a Mughal fact that you forgot you knew. An emperor? Well, I'm watching The Great. That's about a Russian emperor. Yeah, so you should have gotten the question about, that's why you said Nicholas. You were thinking Nicholas Holt, but.

Yeah. You should have gotten that one. By the way, have I talked about Nicholas Holt on this podcast before before I'm a huge fan now through that show he's great you've tweeted about him have you watched the movie where he's trying to kill a child and there's

like fires no what movie is that I haven't watched it yet it's like with Angelina Jolie come back to me I don't know i haven't watched it yet but i want to out of time the correct answer was shah jahan uh-huh yeah yeah you know it would be a good nickname uh to describe his talent yeah no limit halt him

i'll try i think everyone's headphones simultaneously we've never done this we've never done this another break for that another break for that alright back to team Billy Marika or Billy with this one there are no wrong answers

just what's your favorite song happy birthday that's good Marika or Billy with this one there are no wrong answers just what's your favorite song happy birthday that's good Marika oh I have to answer too just in my pants by the lonely island correct alright Amir what is the scientific name of

potash alum potassium you said potash alum one more time Jeff potash alum that's the new aluminum

aluminum correct answer is potassium aluminum sulfide Aluminum. Correct answer is potassium aluminum sulfide. Yeah, it's sulfate. That's why you got to sound it out. This bit was supposed to be that I was giving Amir the harder questions and theirs got progressively easier, but Marika and Billy knew all five of the ones I threw at Amir. No, they didn't.

This is unbelievable. I don't think so. I think so. We're pretty smart. That's the end of the game we won. That's the end of the ones I threw at Amir. No, they didn't. This is unbelievable. I don't think so. I think so. Yeah, we're pretty smart. That's the end of the game we won. That's the end of the game. You guys won after the second question, really, but I'm going to give it to you.

There's no points for Dan's thing. Just bragging rights. Haven't we already heard this song in this episode? Yeah. Yeah, we're closing out this segment, and then there be another game show you can just kill it just kill the song no song over this part welcome to cartier or arbor day so this is one of the games that you said we're not going to play on this episode. Mariah versus Drew. Right.

You sort of gave us false hope that there would be. This person hosts the Price is Right. Wrong! Mariah! Wrong! Two points! $800! So it's Cartier or what? Arbor Day. Why not Cartier or Cardi B

that's really good shit really that's a lot fun also when is Arbor Day is it topical at all to do that it's the last Friday in April that's awful alright let's just play

and then I'll come up with something else. Do flowers and plants get looped into the whole Arbor Day celebration or is it straight tree? I think it's tree. It's just tree. Dang. Okay. It's cold. Alright, Blank has been around since 1872.

The sweater you're wearing. Arbor Day. Cartier is 1847. hmm this is what arbor day cardia is 1847 unlike distant relative fdr teddy roosevelt did not see the importance of blank arbor day incorrect teddy roosevelt was actually one of the biggest proponents of Arbor Day as US president. FDR, on the other hand, was gifted a Cartier

and wore it almost every day. Teddy Roosevelt wasn't much for displays of wealth. Fucking idiot. Gifting your spouse an item from blank is a common display of affection if you can't read it

my screen says this is boring gifting your spouse an item from blank is a common display of affection now I capitalized boring I kind of want to get them all wrong alright Cardi B that's not one of the answers but it's wrong still

I'm not even going to give them the satisfaction of being wrong I haven't been paying attention Arbor Day just Arbor Day correct imagine giving your wife a fucking oak man I was not paying attention and for you to hear you just say that random ass sentence

what are you kidding me Amir turned this video on I think this is a good game this is crazy Andy game. This is crazy. Andy Warhol loved blank probably. Barber Day. Subject, yeah. Cartier.

I mean. He's famously quoted as saying that he wore the Cartier tank watch not because he set the timer, used it, but because it was the watch to wear. So he probably loved Cartier. time or used it but because it was the watch to wear so he probably loved Cartier I went can you can you send the quote where he said it was the watch to wear send it where like you just you don't trust slack yeah it's a sentence only you would say and I just want confirmation no he 100% I mean I can find it yeah want the exact quote yeah I mean you know just like after

or something just to confirm um I mean I'm sure he also liked trees probably so in a way I think we're all right I don't wear a tank watch to tell the time actually I never even wind it I wear it

because it's the watch I wear a tank because it's the watch to wear hmm this has interrupted the flow and I think it was going really well no way one way to celebrate blank is to plant a tree love going full screen on just a beer's name

screaming no way yeah the fog's lighting up beautiful one way to celebrate blank is to plant a tree cartier correct imagine fucking putting into soil a spruce to celebrate how fast and loose you played with cash to get a Cartier crash. So one way to know when someone doesn't know when they're going to say something is the second word they say is fucking. And they use that as a little bridge,

like a two beat, like, okay, I'm going to say something after this. And he said, imagine fucking. And then he just started sweating and talking. To be honest, I chose that because I thought he was going to say it was right and then have to make up something.

And I just wanted to put the pressure on him to do so. A successful trap. Thank you. You're welcome. Jeff, go to the next segment. No, I have to finish this one out. Hey, you know what would be cool if you went to the next segment? Try something new.

This is a dud. Blank is closely tied to nature. Fucking Arbor Day. Cartier. Cartier. Berber Day. Cartier. In 2020,

Cartier founded Cartier for Nature, a fund dedicating to preserving biodiversity and healthy ecosystems. Nice. Nice, man. nice nice man Blank creates one of Jeff's favorite watch straps we could be talking about

so many more interesting things right now still dragging this stupid segment through the stupid mud I don't care the listeners don't care actually no incorrect Arbor Day oh god because if you think about it the more

trees that are planted the more that oxygenates the atmosphere which also helps cows from which their hides are turned into suede and made by the Theo and Harish watch strap store my favorite strap

okay okay yeah that sucked and it wasn't because of me yeah that's half true it was a bad idea executed worse you mean even if i had done it straight it would have been better than what i did yes all right there i know so let's talk about it what's our version of that are you kidding me

what what do you mean Theranos let's talk about it let's not it's old sure there's that like movie coming out or whatever but who cares who care-a-nos

no don't give him that I just think that we need HeadGum needs a Theranos because meaning what does that mean because when I tell people oh like I work in podcasting they're like oh like how so and I'm like I kind of work at this

podcast network called HeadGum nobody fucking knows what I'm talking about just so you have a podcast no that's not interesting it's the same thing i'm a comedian who hosts a podcast that's all you have to say i'm a comedian who hosts a podcast no because then they're like oh be funny and then say don't say you're a comedian then okay i say i work in podcasting great usually people don't have follow-ups but when they do they don't know where head gum is or what it is i'm saying that we need a controversy we need a controversy okay for the record i don't

know what theranos is so i mean i'm theranos was a fraudulent blood testing startup basically elizabeth holmes founder a ceo said that she could revolutionize medicine with at-home blood testing and she didn't have any technology to back it up nice okay cool and so what can we over promise and under deliver is what I'm saying because we already have a bunch of EC interests yeah and is gumball

already fraudulent is I guess my question to a mirror it's not it's an active thriving marketplace that's working all right all right all right I'm just saying you don't see us

on the fucking front page of the New York Times when Theranos has been the subject of much malice do you see any

podcasts on the front page of the New York Times I don't but I do see podcaster Amir Blumenfeld occasionally in the New York Times thank you do not bring it up dab see podcaster Amir Blumenfeld occasionally in the New York Times.

No, no. Thank you. Do not bring it up. Just dabbing. Do not bring it up, please, for the love of God. Yeah, my man. My man was pretty in the middle of it. I was the lead of a pretty interesting edition.

An op-ed about. An op-ed. You said these exact words on three different podcasts. That's right. I'm going to keep that playing live. I joked about purchasing um this is all for our audio listeners he is dabbing as he says this as a as a secret santa gift and i guess that sparked interest in the eyes of the journalists at the time it's not interesting i think I think technically this podcast is a scam.

So I think maybe let's work to make it big. Right. Go on. And then then there we have it. That was slanderous, thoughtless. It's going to leave me jobless if amir really takes it with any rap i don't like slanderous thoughtless it's gonna leave me jobless my boss has been heartless now i'm feeling

through the cobble streets your body's scarless. You think I'm harmless. You're the gobble streets and you didn't come up with a rhyme. A freak in the streets and a nightmare with cheeks. A joy. Yikes, dude. What a weird man. You ruined it.

I ruined it? Yeah. This sucks. This fucking blows. Doing's another way that you know someone doesn't have something to say when they just yell it this sucks yeah yeah so you're saying i was slanderous and shotless. Thoughtless is going to leave me jobless. Right. You know, I mean, I feel like a lot of people are like, how does this show? How am I listening to this? Call me Homer Simpson because I have jaundice. Could use some work.

Really? Yeah. Jaundice and jobless. That was slanderous, thoughtless, and it's going to leave me jobless call me homer simpson because i think i have jaundice that's pretty good actually i don't think it's good i think jeff likes i think jeff likes the word jaundice too much so it's a kind of a cop out we're like a crutch we're like a minute away from him telling us about his friend named john dis nice no seriously john worked at a local supermarket that's good

that's really good i hate this yeah he says that a lot it's not my fault pull the string from his back there's's your therapist, the Jeff doll. The talking Jeff doll that has seven quotes that we've heard him say. That's good, you pulled a string. It's not my fault! I hate this! What's that?

You guys have no idea how much work I put into this shit. And then one time you pulled a string and it just goes... Up, kabop, a solid. Every other time it's just... Up, kabop, a solid. every yeah every other time it's just they don't do that anymore they'll pull the string let go say a thing i wonder if it's dangerous or kids were choking on it or some shit uh i mean where are we as a society where you can't have simple toys anymore because we're afraid that one kid will take it the wrong way speak on it ab i'm with you it's like what you what next you can't have puzzles because a baby wants to shoot on it and got it caught in his throat like we got soft we

got soft some guy tries to blow up a plane with a shoe unsuccessfully and we have to take him off. Yes. Thank you. Yeah. Take him off through security. It's good to be soft. When I was a kid, my parents used to feed me puzzle pieces. Me and my sister would have to put down 500.

That's abuse. That's physical and emotional abuse. I had a Paula Abdul puzzle that we had to eat in a weekend once. That's right. You shit it out. That's incredibly. That was the 90s. That was the 90s. No, it wasn't. That wasn't happening in the weekend once. That's right. You shit it out. That's incredibly That was the 90s. That was the 90s. No, it wasn't.

That wasn't happening in the 90s. It was born in the 90s. It was a great poster puzzle. I stepped on Legos daily in 2003, says Marika. And now like you can't even.

Yeah. That's a great pop punk band name. Step on a Lego? In 2003. Yeah. It sounds like a pop punk song where it's I stepped on a Lego in In 2003. Yeah. It sounds like a pop punk song where it's I stepped on a Lego

in parentheses in 2003. Yeah. Like a follow up boy. Yeah. Nice. Thanks for the rewrite, Jeff. Thanks. Yeah. This show used to be fun when we were all friends. How's traffic, by the way? What are you most looking forward to?

What do you have your faith in in right now answer both of those questions at the same time not possible um there's traffic but it's all public transportation so like yeah that doesn't affect me obviously that was a bad question to ask somebody who lives in new york um and then the other one what am i looking forward to and then traffic listenership to the podcast. Oh, it's going through the fucking roof. He doesn't do that stuff. He doesn't have access. It's a direct correlative relationship

with my LDL cholesterol. So let's just say through the fucking roof. Sorry, Marika and Amir for asking Jeff a question. No, it's okay. But I am curious what he's looking forward to. I'm looking forward to well, on a daily basis, I look forward to the end of the day so I can just sleep and get it over

with. My dream land is the only place that I tend to be accepted. I feel you've been hanging out with people daily, so don't say that, right? I started an LLC and they're on the payroll. Are you liking new york

still like do you can do you think that this trial has gone well do you think that hey if i can make it through a obacron winter that it'll only get better from here or did it sort of sour you on the idea when are you coming back i love it but i'm never happy right so it's like i'm here and i want to be in la and i've when i'm and then as soon as So it's like, I'm here and I want to be in LA. And then as soon as I go back to LA, I'm going to want to come back to New York. Do you know what I mean? It's an eternal what if, right? So it's not really like to find longing in New York

was sort of a travesty. What I wanted was to find my place here and it still isn't enough, and it never will be. So you found your place. And it's being bi-coastal. Or at the very least, tri-coastal. What's the third coast? It's the want of trying.

So it's basically, to be tri-coastal is to try to be bi-coastal. So you're saying LA, New York, and the want of trying are the three places you live. Yeah. And I'm going to set up my, like my main residence will be in the third one just for tax purposes. You're going to pay your taxes to want of trying. Yeah.

Okay. Good luck. Which basically means I'm not going to file taxes, but I'm going to want to try to. Okay. Where have you not gone in the city that i want to you yeah you visited the upper west side for the first time you loved it people on youtube were like keep jeff away we don't want him here but where else do you want to go now glad you asked i want to go to

uh red hook i've never been there um but other than that, I've kind of been around. Or at least have been to different neighborhoods in previous visits. I'm pretty much set. Have you been anywhere in Queens? Long Island City. So no, not at all. Not even Astoria. Oh, I do want to...

Damn, kill shot. I do want to go to Arthur Avenue. Where is that? I don't care. Hmm. Okay. No, I don't know.

Plugs. All right. No, no, no. Continue. Sorry. No, I was just going to,

I was just going to ask other places in Manhattan. Have you been to the upper East side? I've been there. It sucks. Yeah. So you love the Upper West Side and hated the Upper East Side. Washington Heights, Harlem. Washington Heights is fine.

And he really wants to check out Arthur Avenue. And he doesn't know where that is. And he doesn't care. I want to buy two pounds of sturgeon for a bit that I want to do in the next two weeks on this show. Okay. So that's a teaser weeks on this show. Okay. So that's a teaser for y'all. Fish is coming. And we don't know when.

The next t-shirt. Strap on your seatbelt, Dr. Duncan Stein, because you are about to be blown away. I'm going gonna fucking hang myself with a nerd's rope for that oh boy plugs Billy, Skafuri, what are you working on

what do you want to point the people to the floor is yours I'll go probably gonna keep everything that I'm working on to myself for now. I'll just say you can follow Billy Scafuri. That's my name on Instagram and Twitter. And I think that's all for now. And also check out Buckets.

I'm going to say it one more time because just another stupid sound effect came flying in. Yeah, interrupted them. Yeah, and now I assume another one will. So I have to be calculated when I say the next sentence I say. Also listen to Buckets and No Joke on HeadGum. Shit, I stumbled because of fucking Jeff just lurking. Just lurking. Blumenfeld?

And don't say Hennessy because you don't drink. Yeah, I wasn't going to. But say Aperteef or Digesty. Maybe drink a Henny. Yeah, just an afternoon liqueur. Henny. Shout out to Buckets and No Joke

Pod indeed. And then the If I Were You podcast that I'm on has a YouTube channel now. We're doing simulcast so you can watch it as well as listen to it. In an audio video fashion. So check that out as well. Marika, do you want to add to shit that nobody gives a fuck about? Yeah, I definitely do.

What the hell is your problem? What is wrong with you? Follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Letterboxd at Marie K. Lon. Also, there is a Keeping Records YouTube channel where we're also doing video podcasts. Caleb here and Shelby Wolstein in video. It's great. Check it out. And there's a new HeadGum podcast, Enemies, hosted by Lisa Traeger.

That will be, the first episode will be out when this comes out. So listen to that. And the links to all these out when this comes out so listen to that and the links to all these things are probably in the description of the video that's a hell of a plug good job Marika you're just rock solid thanks so much

a professional also listen to Buckets and No Jokes and Fire You thank you Marika once again thank you Marika namaste namaste Jeff How are you? Thank you, Marika, once again. Thank you, Marika. Namaste. Namaste. Namaste.

Jeff? You know, it's interesting because sometimes we have, you know, bigger guests on this show or on Review Review. And I think a pretty baller-ass thing that they tend to do is they don't even plug their shit because they're set you know they plug the host shit so i'm gonna say follow at marie k alan i'm gonna say follow up at least kafiri at amir uh at blumenfeld on Twitter because I'm sort of a big fucking deal and I'm set in those regards so there's my celebrity move and it's pretty awesome I think everybody

got goosebumps yeah something it's awesome that was a Hidgum original