The Headgum Podcast - 97: Dating in LA (w/ Billy Scafuri!)

Episode Date: April 8, 2022

Billy Scafuri (No Joke podcast) joins Amir and Geoff to discuss dating in LA, small talk, and Kreiss furniture! Newcomers with Lauren Lapkus & Nicole Byer is back with a brand new season all about the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Check it out! Huge news! XOXO, Gossip Kings is now a video podcast. SUBSCRIBE to their channel to watch Carl Tart & Lamar Woods (and friends) delve into the Gossip Girl catalog. BUY THE HEADGUM PODCAST MERCH! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. I actually was clinically diagnosed with depression at a very young age, like age 8, 9, 10. I was going to therapy. Some pretty dark times in my life. Wrote about it extensively in our book. Was medicated for many years. Had O extensively in our book. Was medicated for many years. Had OCD in my childhood. Was medicated for that as well. I would say as of late, I have felt

myself slipping back into depression. I don't currently have a therapist and it's something that I beat myself up over. It's hard to make time for and prioritize yourself. The disease that I have certainly weighs on me heavily and has made it hard to balance the things I want to do with the limited energy I have. And I'm the kind of person that has always had my self-worth related directly to my creative output. And it's been hard to feel like I'm worthy and valid. And so the specter of depression has risen again. But I'm doing okay. I'll do the bundle for that one.

Just a buzzing noise? That's actually, that doesn't count for tea. Major key alert. If you're not doing well, reach out to a friend. All right, here we go. Thank you for that earnest plug. So flip. Ahoy.

One of my new favorite things that makes me laugh a lot is earnest waving. Oh. And I delivered. We all kind of live in this area. If you see people that you know a lot from your car or on the street, and my favorite thing is just a pleasant wave. Yeah, nobody does that.

At the end of a Zoom. One second, actually. It's really interesting that we connect on this bill. I had a day of pleasant waves the day that it was announced. There was like a week after Trump may have lost. Right. And then when it was announced and everyone was partying on Sunset Boulevard. Yeah.

I went for a walk before the party and every neighbor I saw, it was literally Truman show. Everyone was literally saying, good morning, neighbor. Good morning, neighbor. A good morning, neighbor. Good morrow to you. Yeah, that was a great day. Drove down Sunset. Blasting music. Yeah.

Saw my friend Cecily twerking off of a moving van. Whoa. Yeah, sorry, one second over here. All I said was whoa. One second. We only have 45 minutes. We have to get it right. Yeah.

It's harder to edit the video when We have to get it right. Yeah. It's harder to edit the video when you have these fucking flubs. It wasn't a flub. I said, wow, nice. He didn't flub. Yeah. He didn't flub. He spoke.

Then I genuinely apologize. Waving to Casey behind the camera as well. We got a lot of requests for more Donahue really for more Casey for more Casey what's your title

producer yeah I'm a I'm a producer alright producer Casey there's always intrigue with the person behind the boards

yes and they always become the coolest person in the equation yeah it's the mystery that you don't know what they look like

can do no wrong has Casey ever been on camera or just the voice well we're gonna need to get him on the show eventually so people will see his face

but I'd like to keep the air of mystery for at least one more week that's cool yeah and Casey's a good name for a mysterious person because Casey can be anybody I'm excited about it

because all the big podcasts have this kind of like tertiary producer character interesting and now it's's proving that we have not only production value, but spiritual worth. Right? So it's like, I'm worth a damn because of Donahue.

What is the other podcast that you're thinking about that has a... Hollywood Handbook, All Fantasy Everything, Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I see. The Daily. Really? Obviously, there's producer Traven.

Traven? It's like Travis, but with an N. Yeah. I could have put that one together. Oh, back at it again. Monday morning. Would you say we're Monday morning quarterbacking it? Well, we were supposed to do this on Friday.

Right. Which sort of has a fun weekend energy to it. Yeah. Instead, we're doing it at the worst time of the week, which is Monday morning when the weekend is over. Well, Jeff actually texted us like last Monday and said, can you do Friday? And we both kind of made it clear that we can maybe do Friday, but Thursday would be absolutely better. Oh yeah, it was Thursday or Friday. And there was like a 72 hour window where we just simply didn't hear back from Jeff after we said that Thursday could

be better. And then it was like Wednesday night and we're like, okay, so Thursday is probably not happening. But I texted Jeff on Wednesday night and I was like, hey, listen, Thursday is now like off the table. Yeah. Because you didn't lock it in. Because I haven't heard from you and I've heard from others. And then Thursday or at some point around Thursday, we got another text from Jeff saying, hey, I have another friend coming into town because Jeff is human Airbnb. Yeah. Like people just come and sit on Jeff for a weekend.

Yeah. So he moved it to today. Right. Monday morning quarterback. I'm not going to apologize for being spontaneous. But then I also forgot about today until you texted.

That's true. You're like, are we still on for today at 1045? Like at 945 in the morning on a Monday. I sent a calendar invite. Did you? Yes.

For Monday? Of course. Oh, for Monday? I don't think for Monday. I definitely did not receive said calendar invite. Yeah. I didn't know about this. I didn't get a calendar invite. Did you? Yes. For Monday? Of course. Oh, for Monday? I don't think for Monday. I definitely did not receive said calendar invite. Yeah, I didn't know about this. I didn't get a calendar invite. You wrote back what you said, so I'll see you in like an hour.

You wrote back good reminder, which I was like, that's either a really funny, subtle joke, but he actually forgot. Oh, yeah, I actually needed it. Because if I don't get the invite, I'm not actually putting it into my calendar. Right. And then once it's in my calendar, I think it was in for Friday. I definitely didn't officially move it to Monday. Right. Because I didn't hear about it.

Meanwhile, I'm reprioritizing calls that I'm supposed to be on right now to do this podcast that no one remembered was even happening. Right. That was easy. No, as a matter of fact, it wasn't. I may have lost work due to the fact that this non-priority podcast has taken my schedule. Well, we have a budget for fees now. Excuse me? We have a budget for fees.

Go on. So this is going to be $750 in your pocket if you can win a game later. Is that a real $750? Because we've played games like this before and I've never actually got the Venmo. It does come from my personal pocket. It does come from my personal pocket. You should send them crypto since if you guys are both on Coinbase, it makes it sort of quasi-legal under the table but still instant transfer. Are you in NFTs?

No. Okay. This already sucks. I'm sorry, but we're going to have to save it with some sounds. What's extra funny to me is that I can't hear Jeff in my headphones right now. Yeah, me neither. Daniel, I hope he's back at it again with the white van.

Cool. It's as if I have like audio sonic force fields. Yeah, we're still figuring out some tech. Yeah. That would have been, we should have done some tests.

What is the other one shoot? Because you're still on a recording Friday schedule for the following Friday. So do you plan on recording another one this week? Because I haven't heard about anything. Yeah. Okay.

But I'll probably do it with the New York crew. Okay. That's good. We've got a lot to get to today. Oh. Get started. Yeah. I miss Marika.

Are we going to get less Marika now that we're back in LA? Well, we need to find more Marika. We could have tried to get her to be on here. Okay. Or there or however we've done it before with guests. Okay. Remote guests. Yeah.

I just thought it'd be fun to do the guys. Sure. Under the guys. Yeah, the 90026 fellows. That's not my zip code. Really? That is my zip code. Not for long.

Not for long. Let's get it started off with our Bonds of the Week. Mine's Reese Witherspoon. Nice. If I could just say one thing. I listened to a HeadGum podcast recently. Spiritually get back into the show. These are always a setup for him to sing that Beyonce song, You Don't Know About Me.

Or You Must Not Know About Me. You Don't Know About Reese. Yes. And also Know About Me. You Don't Know About Reese. Yes. And also, Gee. I believe the episode I listened to here is singing about clarified butter. So, I'm prepared. I'm prepared for this to go into the Beyonce song. Maybe if we always say that.

You must not know about Reese. You must not know about Reese. She was married to a less successful actor. Don't hesitate to even call him an actor, baby. You must not know Philippe. You must not know Philippe. Her ex-husband's name's Ryan Philippe. So don't you ever for a second get to thinking he's irreplaceable. Ryan Philippe was actually more

famous than Reese Witherspoon when they started dating. He was a really popular actor in the 90s. Cruel intentions. Yeah, exactly. And yeah. He had that Justin Timberlake curl. Yeah, he was a heartthrob. I think before Jeff was born.

So we must know about Reese to know details like this. Yeah. As a matter of fact. Yeah, I wasn't around yet. Right. Great sentence. I was born in 1997. I wasn't around yet right i was born in 1997 i wasn't around yet cowboy jiff um so i was right so he doesn't want to know our bonds i didn't even hear his lyrics like i said these are just prohibiting me yeah hearing the guy sitting next to me it's um you must not know about reese you must not know about Reese.

She was married to a less successful actor. Hesitate to even call him an actor, baby. Aren't they still together? And why do you hesitate to call him an actor? I haven't seen him in anything. Has he seen you in anything? Are you an actor? I'm not an actor.

Oh, okay. You must not know Philippe. You must not know Philippe. Who's Philippe? Oh, Ryan Philippe. Her ex-husband's name's Ryan Philippe, so don't you ever first... They're divorced?

Yeah, they're divorced. Wow. That he's irreplaceable because he was replaced. Interesting. Are they... Is she remarried? Yeah.

That was the least confident. Yeah. What about Coach K? Oh, that's good. You must not know Coach K. Doesn't have to do with the song. This is the game we're playing about Bond of the Week. Oh.

Forget about the song. So my theory holds that Bond of the Week is now just a kind of a smoke screen to get us into the Beyonce song. Like I just threw out a Bond of the Week and you said, how will that actually fit into the lyrics of the song? You think because he needs a job? I think it would just be an interesting watch for an hour and a half. Interesting.

I don't know if he'll be able to do the stunts. I also don't know how good he is at a read. But he's available. That's the most important. He's available.

But he's not on avail. We'll read him. Yeah. But it's like kind of a favor to the EP. He did pretty good in the AT&T commercials. That's true.

You're saying I don't have the job? That was my Coach K. What's wrong? What? I'm going to cut this out. This is my show. So what?

So it's not other people's time to shine. I was doing a goofy impression. A good podcast host knows when to step aside. Right. But when I have you on the couch, there's no chance that I'll step aside. Jeff always invites you, right? It's not presumed that you're on every episode.

Yeah, well, he didn't make the invite this week, but I was still texted about showing up. Okay, so he invites you to this room. Yeah. And then he complains about your being here, correct? That's right, yeah. Okay, just want everyone at home to know the rules of the game. Yeah. Okay.

We did schedule this for 1045 on Monday. On Friday. Or no, on Thursday. I think I said 1045 because Monday. On Friday. Or no, on Thursday. I think I said 1045 because I had something Friday at noon. Yes. And then it moved to Monday. And you threw out 11 on Monday. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, which we all agreed to. Right. But I should have sent the calendar. Did you remember before the text? Who's your bond of the week? I was moving around phone calls this morning. Yeah.

Work was coming in and I had to explain to them that I have to reluctantly do this podcast where I get berated for an hour with my buddy. No, it's all right. It's not gonna be that bad. Okay. I know it sucks so far, but that's because of the energy.

What has been the most viral TikTok content that has come from the show thus far? Because maybe knowing that I can produce some more. We did have a TikToker on Sally Dar Griffin last week.

Right. But I haven't checked the numbers on that. Casey, can we get a numbers crunch on the last TikTok? Yeah, sure. A numbers crunch

as if that's anything. Pulling out my phone. Bond of the Week? Bond of the Week. Let's go with the guy in the movie I saw yesterday. i forget his name do you remember his name he was really good in that film actually which one jamie lee curtis not not

jamie oh guy uh yeah oh the guy from goonies yes exactly and indiana jones dr jones dr jones yeah who's that his voice is so his voice has remained the same. The movie is everything, everywhere, all at once. Right. And her husband is this very optimistic, like, we can't give up on faith and joy and hope character. That's me. Ki-Hui Kwan. Yeah. He had the gadgets in Goonies,

if you've ever seen that movie. I've never seen Goonies. I wasn't around yet. It was before my time. That is him. Casey, what's that TikTok doing numbers-wise? A little over 2,000 views. So not that many, if at all.

Okay. Yeah. Let's move on then. One of the pieces of advice that we got from Sally Dar was that people love to hear the tea in regards to dating in LA. Do you say tea? Yeah.

Like, like normally? Yeah. I actually got into a conversation with my friend who was visiting about gossip. Okay. I love gossip, but I don't like shit talking. Okay. Which there's a difference. I think that um yeah gossip

can be positive yeah like gossip's just the news of your friend group what you've heard yeah whispers shit talking is being like this person sucks for these reasons with a slant yeah okay gossip can venture into shit talking but i do think they're different okay i love gossip people love the tea yeah okay i want to know the tea with what's happening with my friends that i haven't seen in a while okay because you can't see your friends that often right so um dating in LA yeah what's it like you had to look at a screen for that question I did draw a blank you had to reference your notes what are you I mean because you're we're we're in relationships right Billy's married so we're not dating in LA.

You're the one, you should be telling us what's like being single in LA. But you never stop dating your wife, Billy. This is, okay. You never stop dating. You are now on the tightrope. Let's see how this goes. Because if you lose the spark, sorry, one second. If you lose the spark, if you lose the romance, what else do you have?

Where are you drawing? What are you drawing from? You have no wisdom. You have no experience. Yeah, you have no experience. I'm living the life that you are trying to tell me how to lead. But you've never lived this life. I read a preface of mating in captivity.

Mating? What? Mating in captivity? It was made in Manhattan, the J-Lo movie, and he read the DVD box. No, you can't lose that luster. Love when you look down. Love when you look down to get smart again. It's as if you're charging your intelligence.

No, so you can never look up and be smart. There are certain mannerisms that if you have, it doesn't matter what you say. Right, right, right. So if I go like this, like I just did, you guys suddenly think that it's a partner. He's carefree. He's jolly.

I'm like, yeah, I have my freedom. You're not tense. You're not stiff. Right? Like that. That's like literally a pause button. It was like transcend stiff. Whether it's with your wife or

with your long-term partner tell us about dating and people wanted me to smack you on Twitter did you see yeah because they thought it would happen I'm sure that something

will happen in the next 25 minutes that is smack worthy and I do give you full permission to fully and that may be the viral tick-tock plus 2,000 view moment that we need.

It could be like the Andy Kaufman thing where he got smacked on. I think Letterman was it. And people didn't know if it was real or not. Yeah. Full permission. You don't have to do it? I don't want to do it. You might have to. Tell us about

dating in LA. Well, actually, Billy and I both saw a movie this weekend on separate dates of sorts with our ladies. So, that's an example of a date. You get some food,

you watch some movie that's like a classic. That's like dinner and a movie. You can't get more classic than that date-wise. Yep.

Especially in LA. Definitely not in LA. Yeah. You could do that anywhere. Right. Like I want to hear about you guys going to fucking no vacancy.

Oh yeah. When was the last time you were at Laurel Hardware? What? A hardware store? and stuff like that. Oh that's a cool bar? Yeah.

He's pulling up a sound. Hold for it guys. That didn't work. That absolutely didn't work. What do you want? What's the success success what is the successful answer to that question look like yes we've been to laurel hardware yeah recently yeah the best thing oh recently no i was saying that that sounds oh no oh no not know about recently you must not Casey are you single? yeah tell us about dating in LA

come on man you're just throwing people in to your awkward conversations why don't you tell us about dating in LA dating in LA is easy it's such a large pool to draw from you must not know about ease you must not know about ease how You must not know about ease.

How much does a date cost? You must not know about oosh. How much does a first date cost in Los Angeles? It depends what you want to do. I mean, you can do anything for free. You can do anything for geek. Are you matching with ladies on apps? You must not know about Field.

You must not know about Field. Yeah, so Field is my app of choice. It's for threesomes, casual sex, kink. So when you match with a lady on a dating app, is the first date usually, hey, come out with me and my friends, or is it like, let's meet for a drink one-on-one? Right. It depends how it goes.

When was the last time you met up with someone one-on-one for a drink that you met on a dating app? That honestly would have been last October. Wow, so six months ago. You did date someone in New York? Yeah. From a dating app? No, from, met her at a party.

Fourth of July party in Laurel Canyon, actually. And then you dated her in New York City? She moved to New York. I went to New York. There were so many faces in the last 10 seconds. What a thrill to watch him have so many emotions. He was like, happy, confused. Maybe I might be angry soon.

Wow. Okay. I tend to meet people organically. That's why I think it's easy. You just go to parties and then, you know, you meet friends of friends. You find them attractive. You take them out or not. Zebulon is really the catalyst for spreading legs and joy.

Zebulon is really the catalyst for spreading legs. Earlier when you said it's just going to be the guys, that's the fear that was going to come out of. Have you ever had a night where you've spread one of or all of these four things? Joy, libel, wisdom, and legs. So you didn't have to look at the computer for that question. But you did have to say, how's dating in LA? Joy, libel, wisdom. Rumor or wisdom?

It doesn't matter who you're with as long as your thighs are thick if you have the wagon you can have anyone your legs are thin you have incredibly thin legs when I get things tailored it's about making sure two things

are right the ankles that's thin ankles and the seat what's the seat, that's thin ankles, and the seat. What's the seat? That's the ass. You say it like it's a threat. This is his threat voice. When I get my ass

tailored, I focus on the thankles and the seat, which is the ass. What kind of Gargamel Smurf villain are you? Talking about hemming pants

to make your big butt and thin legs i'm talking about hemming way to make way for my ass so all the jeans that you wear they can't come standard because nobody has a standard leg slash ass ratio that you have. Levi's 5'12 taper. So what size are you looking for? Waist and then length? 34-32. Interesting. Yeah. Although I think I'm more of 33 because 34 is always too loose.

And I need to get a belt. That's the issue. Casey has a good belt. Really? Yeah. You want me to show it to you guys? I want you to sound it to us. Yeah. You want me to show it to you guys? I want you to sound it to us. Yeah, so stand up and just like undo one notch.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just because someone has a microphone in front of them doesn't make them God. Because we have to take a break. We have to take a break whether you do the clank or not. No kidding, we have to take a break. Yeah, this sucks. You just told the producer to stand up and make the sound of his belt coming off. It's fine to undo a belt.

Let the man work. Whatever. We'll be right back. We have to thank some sponsors. Sponsors. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1,

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AG one.com slash. What's that? Check it out. And we're back. Uh, Billy Skafuri on the facts. And I guess I'm your Blumenfeld on the sacks for the first time ever. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm sort of playing rhythm guitar over here. I'm the social lubrication that this podcast needs. Over here. Because now it's like a you versus Billy situation. And I'm just trying to referee it like a boxing match. I'm chilled out now. Okay.

There will be no slap. Should we get into our first segment? This is way too long. I have something I want to say. You're not going to be able to hear it. You have to wait. I've heard it before. Before you get to the segment.

Yeah. It's particularly funny when someone offers a pleasant wave and it is not received. segment yeah it's particularly funny when someone offers a pleasant wave and it is not received i mean here gave you such a non-response and that really just that it's like trying to heat foam like i'm getting heat and there's nothing bouncing back uh welcome to bad small talk we've been in this segment for the past 25 minutes. For the past 40 episodes. Yeah. Well, this is going to be a little bit more intentional. Small talk to me is the fall of talk. Meaning? What? I can't stand small talk.

Okay. Like it makes you anxious or you're like, yeah, nobody really cares. We're at a party. It's a waste of time. It's a waste of energy. It's a waste of joy and wisdom. It's a waste of paste. A waste of what?

Paste. I'm talking social glue. Sometimes he just says wisdom. Social glue? Why does he just say wisdom sometimes? The word wisdom? No sometimes the word wisdom not saying not offering wisdom when he just starts talking

when people are operating on higher vibrations than others or not he's obsessed about the idea of being intelligent wisdom it doesn't mean anything. Right.

So I'm going to give examples of places. I'm going to be a stranger and then you guys are going to alternate off. And you guys are going to just like, you know, come up to me or maybe we're sitting next to each other or like we're in line together. So first off, at the DMV, we've been waiting a while. So let's start with me and Billy. Okay. I engage with you? how long have you been here?

don't talk to me that's probably the end of it yeah I can read social cues I know oh I forgot to also mention that I'm going to try and disarm you guys. And it's going to be sort of this breach of social contract. Because what if we just didn't have any small talk? Okay.

Seems like you really want to include that element in this game when explaining it. All right, Amir, at the grocery store. Sure. I'm looking at some Bonzo mac and cheese. You come up to me. What's your favorite one? What's that? What's your favorite mac and cheese? There's so to me. What's your favorite one? What's that? What's your favorite mac and cheese?

There's so many options. Doesn't matter. Okay. Yeah. I was going to say I like this organic version, even though it's supposed to be healthy. Well, you weren't going to say it because you just did. Right.

Sorry, pal. Can you at least move out of your way? Your ass is so big and your ankles are so small. I can't even see the boxes. I'm trying to decide on white cheddar versus yellow cheddar. Get them both. What? They're 49 cents each. Really? Yeah. That's actually kind of

interesting. I'm glad we had this. Alright, I'm heading out. Let's Nice meeting you. No, we should keep this going. You want to do... Sorry, I'm on the phone. You want to do drugs? I'm on the phone. Yeah, there's this fucking weird ass guy trying to talk to me next to this powdered... We don't have to do it now. We could do a drinner.

Is his lower half like dreidel-shaped? Yeah, he's like a bowling pin. Wide at the waist and then just zeroes down towards the foot spot. He's a Russian nesting doll. I saw that same guy at the DMV. I know, yeah. He's everywhere. He has this energy that invites you into conversation, but as soon as you do it, it's instant regret.

Instant regret. If you push him, he as soon as you do, it's instant regret. Instant regret. If you push him, he'll tip over. That's the good thing. I find that if you just lightly tip him, he will fall over. Then he falls back up, almost like one of those kids. We could do a picnic. That's right. We could get beatnik and do a picnic outside.

Because he's not top or bottom heavy. We could do a beatnik as a picnic outside bomb. I would just say park the mac and cheese. He won't stop talking. I'm going to call in a bomb threat. Click. All right. That was really to call in a bomb threat. Click. All right. That was really good.

We got somewhere with that one. Small talk, yeah. Because you made it worth his while. Your while. Nothing. All right. That's Zebulon. He was just impersonating like an acting coach.

I see. Because you made it worth his while. You found the want. The wisdom. And the want was there. And you made it worth his while. You found the want. The wisdom. And the want was there. Yeah. And if I do say so myself, that was easy.

Here we go. At Zebulon, I'm at the bar, I'm getting a Tecate. You come up to me. Here we go. Did you water already? I would love to spread your legs. What? Did you say already? I would love to spread your legs What? Did you say?

Sorry He keeps walking up to people Saying that he'd love to spread their legs Do you say that to women? Do you say that to women at bar? Have you said that? Am I the first person you've said that to today? Was the first person you said that to a woman And was she uncomfortable? Are you here to make people feel uncomfortable? Because I the first person you've said that to today? You're the second person I've said it to today. Was the first person you said that to a woman and was she uncomfortable? Uh, no.

It was the bouncer. Are you here to make people feel uncomfortable? Because I can make you feel uncomfortable. No, I'm here to spread joy. So cut the shit with sentences like that because it is inappropriate in 2022. We're all coming out of a pandemic and we want some normalcy and fun and we don't need your bullshit with

lines like that making us feel uncomfortable to see a concert again so i get it maybe there's a hidden camera and you think there's some cute bullshit and you're trying to get some clicks but cut the shit with the spreading the legs bullshit and if you say that to my wife and if you say that to any of her friends you will have a serious fucking problem on your hands all right guy take your beer and get the fuck out of here. I can't take it to go. What's that?

I can't take the beer to go. Get it away from me and my friends. Yeah, all right. A trip. You said you recently talked like that to a bartender. Oh my God, yeah. You actually did that. I did.

It was much shorter than that, but this guy was a fucking asshole. He asked me to show my vaccination on my phone and my license. In the bar. In the bar. We've already crossed in, but that's not the issue. I will never be like, no, I'm already in the bar. So I'm trying to show him my license with the light of my phone. But I'm showing him my license and the light of my phone this way, and I can't get the lighting right.

And after like ten seconds I'm trying five seconds trying he looks at me and goes come on guy and I was just like And I literally put the down I was like motherfucker I am trying to help you out all I want is a drink for me and my wife don't come on guy me I'm trying to show you my license you said that to him. Yeah, I was very angry. Wow He was provoking me. Yeah, I don't just fly off the handle. What bar was this? Zebulon.

It was Zebulon. He almost had coffee while you sprayed his face. I don't promote violence except with Jeff. Which is actually peace. It creates peace. So what did he say

when you were so mean to him? He walked away. And the other bartender. He was just afraid. He was in a mood. You could tell that he was in a mood. I see. But I was also in a bad mood.

He said motherfucker at the beginning of a sentence. And Maureen was like, the eye roll. Oh, really? It was an uncomfortable little moment. What bar was it? Some cocktail bar in Echo Park. Bar Flores? Maybe.

You don't remember? No, I don't remember restaurant names or movie titles. This is the two things. Nope. All right, here we go. At the HeadGum Studio. Nobody's here to see and feel joy from your face. So we're just like recording a podcast, let's say.

Okay. It's time for Bond of the week yeah it seems like you're just bringing that segment up so you can sing a Beyonce song yeah yeah yeah it's funny cuz like doing this show I sort of put on a visage. A what? A visage. What an unnatural word to say. This one moment was sort of a wrinkle in time where I could kind of sort of be myself. And it didn't feel good because I sort of, I brown out really. Right.

But even when I black out, I brown out for obvious reasons. I black out, I brown out for obvious reasons. And if this is what you guys feel, this energy, I cannot apologize more than I am in this moment. Sweet. Appreciate that. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I accept. But do you forgive?

I accept, but I don't forgive, yeah. So I understand that you feel bad and that's good but at the same time I'm not gonna just like take it now we're back to even yeah and honestly like I haven't heard a word you said I've just been watching your acting choices throughout the process and I can like register that you're sad

I don't know what for but no but it's not acting it's like this is this is real this is me I'm exactly feeling how I am being. Gotta let the rice shine on me. Okay. This is flirty. I don't like it.

All right, here we go. Let the rice shine on me. Where does he go? That was bad small talk. We had more. There was more, but we have to move on. Also, for the record, I don't go up to people, especially women, and say I'd like to spread your legs.

Right. That was just for the bit. It was just for a podcast. These are essentially noise-canceling headphones. I have no idea what you two are just talking about. It doesn't matter. It's not because of the music There's just things covering my ears

It's kind of like you're at a loud bar and people are talking I wish I could I can't make out a word here What? It's like you're at a loud concert and people are talking You can't quite hear what they're saying Again, you're gone I do hear the music

Yeah Price is right Price is right. Welcome to the Price of Christ. This is the Price of Christ. Christ? Do you guys know Christ? No.

Okay, now I can hear you. It's K-R-E-I-S-S. Dude, yeah. That's my friend's family's business. Are you kidding me? The furniture business. Jesus, so you better be good at this. Yeah. Wait, who's your friend that runs is his name Christ? You know Nick Christ? He used to run Punk'd. No.

Yeah, he used to run Punk'd and he worked with Ashton Kutcher a bunch. Wow. So this is his family's furniture. It's like a Goliath. It's like restoration hardware level. Pretty fancy. Pretty expensive. Although I don't want to give you too many hints because this is the price of Christ.

So I'm going to show you various pieces of furniture. Keep in mind this is all aftermarket. Oh, what does that mean? It means it's being sold secondhand. Okay. So it's not going to be retail. You bought it from them and now you're selling it. And you want to see how much you charge for it.

I got it at retail slash ad nauseum because I was sort of in a frenzy. I couldn't get enough of Christ. And yeah, I need to fucking free up some cash. So this is going to be the price of Christ. This is for actual cash. Oh, okay. So for every right answer, it's let's say 25 bucks because I can swing that. Okay.

For every wrong answer, it's 25 owed to me, which is kind of fucked up that I kind of begged for your time. We're not going to pay you out of chance. Never. It is price of Christ rules. So, you know, closest guess. It's not going over. Yeah out of it. No chance. Never. It is price of Christ rules. So, you know, closest guess. Closest not going over. Yeah. Not going over.

Here we go. Do not look at my screen, please, because I do have the price. I'm going to tilt my thing. Here we go. This is two lounge chairs with an ottoman. Certainly is. This looks old. Very.

This is like from the early 80s. And it also looks weathereded as if like various generations of family members have already sat on it. What is the, like the top one is so dark it's almost like, it's almost fake.

Like there's hints of blue but the rest of it is just this matte black tar. The seats are leather. Leather? Leather. Yeah.

That's awful. There are leather seats and fabric. It's not awful, it's Christ. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That's their official

slogan that I've been pitching to them. So, what do we think? For the whole set? For the whole set. Sold as a set. $899. Yeah. $899? Yeah. I'm gonna say

$1600 flat. Wow. But one of you can't just be right. So I'm gonna say let's say it has to be close enough but without going over. This is being sold on First Dibs for

$5,800. Oh. It's because of the leather seats. Really? What is it? This looks awful. Yeah, it's pretty bad. But I guess that's Christ for you. It looks like the absence of seat. Oh, that's a brown old couch. Yeah. Is that the friend's couch?

That's a. That's central perk. Yeah, that's central perk. It's a deep, deep leather. Yeah. That is a deep. We're looking at a three seater, roll arm, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it might be a polyester cotton blend with.

Imagine us correcting you. I can't correct you. Faster, though. Let's get through these. $6,400. $6,400. Yeah. I mean, I was so off on the last one that I'll say $9,999.

So almost $10,000. That one was $1,850. $1,800? Yep. So I won. I was said, I was higher. You said $9,999. That's almost $10,000.

That's true. He's right. He's right. Every I won. I was said, I was hired. You said $9,999. That's almost $10,000. That's true. He's right. He's right. Every so often. Glass coffee table. I fainted one of these once. Through it?

Through it. Wait, how? And my mom found me. Wait, what? Oh my God. So it shattered? This is how I found out that I have to eat more sugar.

I have low blood sugar. And when I was a little kid, I got up too fast. And then I just went down. I have to eat more sugar. I have low blood sugar. And when I was a little kid, I got up too fast. And then I just went down. I went right through the table. Like a wrestler. Any scars? No cuts.

And my mom didn't process it. She was mad about the table when she got home. And then an hour later, she just broke down in tears. Like she suddenly realized everything that could have just happened.

Wow. Yeah. Really scary. They say like get up too fast, but everyone gets up at roughly the same speed. It's not like you're now getting up slower because of that. It's almost like the issue is different. The issue is different than the speed at which you're getting up.

Yeah. That's usually the like the thing that like tips it. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, fainted through one of these. It's not enough to just say something in an interesting tone. You have to have substance to what you're saying. And I think that one of us here could really learn from that. And that is you, because

you say wisdom every eighth word. What do we think? $14.99. $14.99? Looks like good glass. Okay. This is totally not my aesthetic. I don't like this thick metal gothic. I'm 0 for 3 on the furniture we see. It's like gold leaf. $499.

Yeah. Casey, would you put this in your house? No, not at all. A four second. Yeah. Four nine nine.

I'm going to give that to a mirror. It's five 44, $544. So that's $25 in Amir's pocket. That pays for the fucking hot dog you ate this morning. The turkey. It was a hot dog. It was a hot dog. It was not a hot dog.

They were teetering on the spirit of hot dog, though. It was a long, thin turkey gruyere croissant-wich. It was a yardstick. It was a yardstick-shaped sandwich. A unit of measurement. We should go to Yard House. The downtown sports bar? The what?

Nothing. Next. All right. Why did you choose this game? I'm not even trying to be a mean bully. What? Christ. He ran into the word

Christ. Oh, okay. And then he wanted to do Price of Rice sequel Price of Christ. Again, this is just awful, awful. Oh, cool.

Haunted Bedframe. How much for this Haunted Bedframe? I have trypophobia. I don't know if you guys have that. It's like the fear of holes. Oh, yeah.

I hear that's not an actual real thing. If you search for it, that's not an actual phobia that is classified as an official fear. I don't know what you have, but it's not that. But I've heard that before. He needs this. It's like a leaf that has a bunch of dots in it because insects have eaten it.

That triggers it. Oh, no. Sorry. $800. $900. Holy shit! 961. So why are you so excited like he nailed it?

Because he kind of did. Not really. I was closer with my last one. It's $60 off. You act like he absolutely sp. Because he kind of did. Not really. I was closer with my last one. It's $60 off. You act like he absolutely spiked the right price. I just am excited

to give out money. Okay. I love sharing. Yeah. Oh. Awful. Pirates. Treasure chests?

These are gorgeous set of nightstands. Nightstands. I mean, the drawers on the front, the side, it looks like a drawer. They really combine a lot of light and dark materials

on some of these. It's so heavy looking. It looks like a mummy. It's just Christ. A mummy. Yeah, that is. That's a tomb. Buried in there.

That is an Egyptian. So how much for the Egyptian tomb? Is there a pharaoh? $1,900. Okay. And Billy? I'm going to price that up. I'm going to say $4,200. $1,250. Here we go. We're running out'm going to price that up. I'm going to say $42.

$100. $12.50. Here we go. We're running out of time. Here we go. Where are you finding these prices if they're aftermarket? Right next to the image. That's why I had to go aftermarket because Christ is so expensive. What website are you using to search aftermarket Christ furniture?

First Dibs, Kayo, Cherish. The sorority? dibs, Kayo, Cherish. The sorority? Huh? I drove back down to USC and just asked them how much money was in their living room. Awful, awful

stuff. Love the legs. Marble on top of cement. It's kind of the opposite of Jeff's legs. Everything here is heavy and small. Yeah, exactly. That looks like it weighs a couple tons. Yeah. Like real tons.

And then let's get your- Marble top? Marble top. Okay. That's even more weight. Amir, you got a guess? I'll say $1,999. That's what I was going to say.

Really? All right. You're both wrong. $1,400. What? $1,400. And here we go. What is that?

I knew you were going to say this exact word. What is that? I knew you were going to say that. What is that? That's a bed frame. That's why I showed this image because I had your fucking voice in my head. What is that? It's a fucking sled? What is that? That's either a bed frame or it is a magazine book holder.

It's a sled frame. A sled frame? It's the Christ sled frame. So you put your sleds in there? No, it's just a bed frame. It looks disgusting. It looks like something out of... That's the wrong angle to take the photo. No, it's just a bed frame. It looks disgusting. It looks like something out of... That's the wrong angle to take the photo.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's the primary image. You can't... Yeah, that could be the size of an 8.5 by 11 sheet of paper. Do you like to sleep in the shape of the letter V? Or big enough. Do we have the bed frame for you? Yeah, you can't tell.

You need the other angle. Unless you sleep in it like a taco. Oh, interesting. If you sleep across it like a taco. Oh, interesting. If you sleep across it as if it's almost like a bun. I think that's the only way you're sleeping in that bed frame. It's a bow. It's a bow. It's a skinned bun.

A bowed. A bow bed. A bowed bed. Yeah. I mean, that's just too quality to be cheap. I'm saying. It's big and leather. That's leather?

Yeah. It's leather? I would think so. It looks like leather. Well, there's wood and then there That's leather? Yeah. It's leather on the outside? I would think so. It looks like leather. Well, there's wood and then there's the tan part of it. It's only interesting to talk about it for so long before you put in a guess. You made the game, so we're going to take our time. $3,000.

I'm going to quadruple that. $12,000. Wow. $2,630. Got it. Yeah. So, I mean, you can pull out of this game, too. You can just, like, move out.

Two big concrete balls. Yeah, big blocks. Dice. Big blocks. Two big dice. Big blocks shot in a, just, a void of a world. $500 each. Like, they don't show you where in the living room you could put these massive cement cubes.

Yeah. A house filled with this furniture is no home for me. I know what you mean. I'm going to say it's $100. And I know what you mean. That's $3,000. I said $500 each.

I'm realizing that people listen to this as a podcast as well. So they're not like seeing any of these beds or dice or frames. Well, we've been sort of corporately forced to make it a video podcast, so just watch it on YouTube, buckers. But is this the best approach? What's that? Is this the best approach to

making a video experience? Like, you have two seasoned performers here. You know, you could probably just have us, like, be and exist together as opposed to, you know, knowing that some set of... The price of dice. Yeah. The price is dice.

How much is the price of these Christ dice? $3,000 for the set. Really? I'll take one for the price of a MacBook Pro, please. I am peeking over at Jeff's computer right now, and he has a buffering sign. Oh. Kind of worked out timing-wise.

You know, Adam Lustig and I made a song sampling this song. Really? Oh, yeah. Is it available? Can we listen to it? Oh, we can listen to it. What do I look up? Snakes the Jam. It's a great song.

Snakes the Jam? I don't know if it's going to be on YouTube. It'll be on Bandcamp. I believe it's on an album called The Network Takeover, in which we remixed television theme songs. Wow, that's a smart idea. And then rapped over them.

One, two, three. This is the jam. Nice. This is the jam. It's a summer pop song. Yeah. No? I feel like this is... Yeah, it's... Oh, I've heard this. This is good.

I've heard this on No Joke. Wow. Who's singing? Our friend Chloe. That's Jewelifa. Jewelifa. Yeah. Bob Barka.

There's also Adam Lustick, as you know Is there another male in here? Say again Is there another dude? Is there another dude? Yeah, Clayton Wow Clayton Clayton Early and Chloe Wepper

Upka Boppa Silent We made it through another 48 minutes of nonsense Irreverent or otherwise It's been A Monday Okay It's been a Mondayay okay it's been a monday fun day it's been bad why are you happy about it because it's over

um plugs what do you guys have going on do you prefer doing this on zoom uh in terms of how much fun i have, I like doing it in the studio. But I said this last week, it is harder to do it and be actually mean. So I am worried that the listeners are going to be like, this is different. But I'll work up my confidence to be really

antagonistic. Maybe we could put a screen in here in between us and Jeff. Oh, that's a good idea. He feels a little more confident to be in the same room. He could just be a bully behind the screen but still in the same room. Exactly. Well, we have three weeks

till 100, so. What's that? We have three weeks till 100th episode. Wow. A lot of ideas. Crazy. What are you thinking

for the big 1-0-0? I'm not going to show my hand on air, but I'll tell you after we stop recording. Did the first episode take place during quarantine? Yeah.

It was late April 2020, I think. Wow. Right after. Yeah. It was probably a byproduct of. Yeah. It was supposed to be a quarantine. We've talked about this kind of a lot, but it was supposed to be a quarantine podcast

where we got to see how the network was like, you know, doing this stuff, working from home. And then somewhere around the late summer. And then the decision was made that Jeff will host it. Were you the host the whole time? I don't think so. I think it was maybe vaguely Marika and I, but I don't think so. Jeff wasn't even in the first 10 episodes.

I have a website, billyscafieri.me. Really? Is that new? No, it's been around. But you can see my work there. If you're interested in sports, videos, and comedy, you can see my work there. Amir and I host a podcast together, a basketball podcast called Buckets. And basketball is heating up.

So we're going to record some more episodes ASAP. A lot of action. Your Cleveland Cavaliers might miss the playoffs. I know. It's fucked. You peaked really early. Well, we just have injuries. Evan Mobley's out still.

Jared Allen? Still out? Jared Allen. There was a statistic that we were like 15-3 or something with Jared Allen in the lineup, and then without him,

we were like 500. No Sexton, no Rubio. MVP buzz. Jared Allen. He has my vote. He's got my vote too. But you know what? Next year. But yeah. Buckets and No Joke.

On the HeadGum Network. Listen to those please. That's mine too. Nice. At Jeff Boyardee on Twitter. Quietly. At Jeff Boyardee actually. Oh also snakesmusic.bandcamp.com if you want to listen to more music. quietly at Jeff Boyardee actually

oh also snakesmusic.bandcamp.com if you want to listen to more music snakesmusic.bandcamp.com I'm almost at 10,000 Twitter followers so

tell your friends I tweet pretty good shit and do you want to tell the listeners about the seven about the seven tweets the seven tweets

Andy yes I don't even remember the origin of that I know the origin of that do you want to very briefly you texted me that actor Finn the three of us me and that actor Finn

you thought I was his friend Billy does he have a friend named Billy oh I tried to make a group chat with me Finn and Billy Brick yes

and you started this like very complicated bit that obviously I wasn't supposed to be a part of and didn't want to be a part of and I said

to make up for this you owe me seven tweets by my design and we created a character named Andy with an I with an I and you tweeted as Andy for a couple design yeah we created a character named and with an eye with an eye and you tweeted as andy for a couple of yeah and then he liked it so much i think he over delivered this is gonna be the summer i saw it i saw an organic and he just produced and i was

just like this is no longer a punishment this is a game this is the return of andy and then andi and then someone who didn't follow me named Andy ANDI retweeted it and then I quote tweeted that no fucking way I think my favorite was Andy's tweets are dishwasher safe you came up with that one and there it was

on the timeline and they all did not that bad and it was so it wasn't anything. That's true. And neither is Twitter, so there's low stakes there. Yeah, agreed. But almost 10,000 followers, folks.

Wow. Unfollow if you don't want to see it in that dark. 700 more followers, I think, ish, till 10,000, and we'll do something special on the show for the... Maybe the 10,000 in the 100th episode can come together, join forces. If I could get 800 new followers in the next three weeks, that would be... That would be fun to have telethon style. Just like the rolling. That'd be fun.

All I need is a retweet from you, really, because I always pick up followers in droves. So I just need to tweet something worthy of the retweet. Yeah. So far, nothing yet, but hey, you keep on at it. Who knows what'll happen. Maybe if Andy makes his return. That's what you retweet?

I'm more of an Andy guy. Same. Love Andy. I also like Rodney, your clothing alter ego. Oh, yeah. I am going to spring clean actually soon, and Rodney's closet will be making a grand reveal slash return on investment. So please look out for that at Rodney's dot closet on Instagram.

Rodney's death dot closet. And we got a lot of sweats. We got a lot of eyebrows. Concerned. I played Gaston in a musical of Beauty and the Beast in eighth grade. Is that true? And I developed these muscles as I was a growing boy. Wow. were you really

Gaston? Yeah. Dude, we gotta see some photos on social media. Do you have any pictures? Yeah. I'd love to see them. We'll do it the next time you're on. Great. But thanks so much for listening, guys, to this week's episode. We'll see you guys again next week and until next week... That's Daz, folks!

Huh? That's Daz, so it's the That's Daz. So it's the Hog of Daz. Don't keep talking. No new conversations. That was a Hidgum Original.