The Hilary Silver Podcast - #100: The Worst Relationship Advice Women Keep Falling For (And What Actually Works Instead)

Starting point is 00:00:00 If you're smart, capable, emotionally literate, and yet still confused, frustrated, or exhausted by dating, it's because you've probably absorbed years of terrible advice, advice that teaches you to strategize, manage, decode, and predict men. To soften, shrink, and twist yourself into a pretzel, all while being careful not to scare him off. The entire dating ecosystem is built around teaching women how to win someone else's approval rather than how to choose themselves. And the result is women who are anxious, confused, overfunctioning, and completely disconnected from their intuition. So today I'm pulling apart the most common pieces

Starting point is 00:00:43 of deeply unhelpful advice that keep women stuck. And I'm giving you what actually works instead. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Here's what I see every single day. Insourcing opinions from friends. Googling, what does it mean when he fill in the blank? Polling group chats. Consuming endless dating content. Trying to figure out what he's thinking, what he wants, and what will make him stay, or what did I do wrong. And in the process, their own intuition just becomes background noise.

Starting point is 00:01:18 Most dating advice is completely centered around men, what they want, what they fear, what they respond to, i.e., what they find sexy and a turn on. Ew! And almost none of it has anything to do with you. When dating advice requires you to abandon your own needs, override your intuition, dilute your personality, or manipulate your own behavior, that is not a dating strategy. It's self-betrayal. So today we're breaking down the five worst pieces of dating advice women need to stop following. And the five pieces of genuinely good advice, you should start internalizing instead. Because if you're serious about preparing yourself for real love, not performative dating, not anxious waiting, not clinging to men who can't meet you, but actual emotional partnership, this is what you need to hear. Let's start with the biggest

Starting point is 00:02:11 offenders in the dating industrial complex, and that is, number one, understand men, find love. Take a look at any of the top YouTube channels, and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about here. what men find irresistible. Three things men need to fall in love. What he's really thinking when he does this? Things that turn him off. This is what I call man-centered dating advice. It puts the focus on his psychology, his desire, his needs, his behavior.

Starting point is 00:02:43 It's all about him. Maybe you never notice this until now, but you will start to see it everywhere. What he wants, what he's thinking, what he likes, and how to understand men. None of this advice encourages you to examine what you want, what you think, what you feel, what you need, what you desire. It doesn't encourage you to tune into yourself to discover what you like or how to understand yourself at all. You are no longer self-centered. You're him-centered. And that is a very disorienting feeling that can leave you completely unmoored when your attention is on him and not on you.

Starting point is 00:03:21 So you slowly disconnect from yourself and lose your center. You're not grounded in yourself anymore. And then you stop trusting your own instincts. It's no wonder women lose themselves in relationships. We've been conditioned to think this way since we were in seventh grade. Man-centered dating advice turns into man-centered relationships. And then you wake up one day wondering who you even are anymore. It's a big problem.

Starting point is 00:03:49 So number two. Here's how to make him want you. Anything begins with how to get him to is not guidance. It's manipulation marketed as empowerment. It tells women that men must be handled and managed and maneuvered into desire. But if a connection begins with performance, it can never really evolve into a meaningful partnership. Wanting to be wanted is human, but engineering a persona to extract someone's attention is

Starting point is 00:04:18 something else entirely. And here's what women forget. The moment you start contorting yourself to generate his interest, you guarantee that you'll be contorting yourself to maintain it. You can't build a real relationship on pretending to be someone you're not. Number three, be chill. Don't be too much. This one trains women to suppress their needs instead of communicating them.

Starting point is 00:04:41 It encourages you to ignore your discomfort, silence your intuition, bite your tongue, and pretend to be unaffected by inconsistency or ambiguity. The result is women dating men who cannot meet them emotionally, then blame themselves for feeling anxious or insecure. But here's the thing, and I know you know this, you cannot chill your way to compatibility. The cool girl never wins, never wins. The unaffected woman comes off as indifferent or lacking self-worth and boundaries,

Starting point is 00:05:15 and suppressing your needs never eliminates them. It just delays the moment when your truth erupts in conflict, resentment, and heartbreak. How many times have you held it all in and then exploded when you just can't take it anymore? This, of course, makes you feel and look like the bad guy. And it's definitely not being your best self. If you have to pretend you don't have needs to keep him around, he is not your person. Number four, if he wanted to, he's. would, otherwise known as the let them approach. This is a biggie and it's damaging because it's

Starting point is 00:05:50 very subtle and insidious, masquerading as definitive and empowering because it collapses the complexity of human behavior into a very popular slogan. It implies that desire alone dictates action when in reality the gap between wanting and doing is often filled with emotional limitations, unresolved trauma, immaturity, or just a plain lack of capacity, a man can genuinely like you and still be unable to show up in a way that feels steady, safe, or reciprocal for you. And women are conditioned to interpret this as rejection, to assume it means that we weren't wanted enough. But most of the time, the explanation is behavioral, developmental, or simply incompatible, not personal. And this is where the Mel Robbins let them

Starting point is 00:06:41 theory has poured gasoline on the confusion. What began as an invitation to stop controlling other people has mutated into a dating strategy built on passivity. Women are now being told that if someone disappoints them, the enlightened response is to sit quietly and let them, let them pull away, let them be inconsistent, let them fail to show up, because eventually their true nature will reveal itself. Now yes, the full theory includes let me, which is response. right let me decide what I'm going to do once I let them do what they're going to do. But here's what I see happening. Women stop at let them. They sit in his waiting room while he decides if they're the one or not. He needs space. They give it to him. He needs time to figure out what he wants.

Starting point is 00:07:29 They give him time. He has issues holding him back. They wait while he works through them. No, absolutely not, ladies. No. I tell my clients, you don't let him have time. to figure it out. You don't sit in his waiting room while he decides if you're the one. You want someone who is sure about you, someone who doesn't have issues holding him back from going after what he wants. Because here's the thing. His inconsistency doesn't automatically mean he doesn't care and his interest doesn't guarantee he's ready for the kind of relationship you want. And when a relationship requires you to dim your needs or stall your life in hopes that someone else will eventually be ready, you are abandoning yourself, sitting on the sidelines and waiting.

Starting point is 00:08:16 You're not cultivating real love and you're teaching him and sending a message to the universe that you'll accept less than you deserve. So he and they will continue giving you less. But here's what is most important about this distinction. The reasons behind his behavior don't matter. Let me say that again. The reasons behind his behavior don't matter. No excuses. is none of your business and it is not your problem. The impact his behavior has on you is all you need to understand. That is the only information that you need to consider when you are deciding what you will do. If the dynamic leaves you anxious, confused, or questioning your worth, you don't need to wait and see what he does. If it doesn't feel good being with this person, that is enough information for you to make your own decision about him. Let them is not a dating strategy and neither is sick. sitting around waiting to see who he becomes. The work is in noticing how you feel and who you become around him. A dynamic that requires you to mute your needs or pretend to be unbothered is already

Starting point is 00:09:25 a dynamic you've outgrown. So rather than asking whether he wants you enough, ask a better, more self-centered question. Does this relationship bring out the best in me? A version of me I want to live with? If the answer is no, it is not your job to wait for him to fix himself. It's your job to choose yourself and walk away towards something better. One of the simplest ways to take better care of yourself is sleep. Not just getting more hours, but creating a bed you genuinely want to get into.

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Starting point is 00:14:42 And number five, this is such a fun one to poke fun at. Just be more feminine. This is the most alluring and intriguing advice for go-getter, high-achieving driven women. It's seductive because it plays on women's fears and insecurities, that because they're successful and strong, they somehow are deficient in their femininity. And oh no, who wants that to not be woman enough? So it pulls women in, and then it has them feigning softness and pretending to need help. Wear more dresses.

Starting point is 00:15:15 Let him open doors, act like a damsel in distress, be nurturing, be softer. If you want a masculine man, you have to be more feminine. But here's the thing. You can't fake femininity and expect. it to work out. There are reasons women show up in their masculine energy and not addressing the deep, embedded root causes and core issues driving this masculine energy is like putting lipstick on a pig. Women who are go-getters, type A, high-achieving, don't know how to be more in their feminine or what that even means. So they become awkward. They try to act soft when they're naturally direct.

Starting point is 00:15:53 They pretend. They can't do things. They're perfectly capable of doing. They for force themselves to be less so he can be more and feel needed and important. And it feels wrong because it is wrong. Here's what I say. We want strong, powerful, driven, decisive women to continue being who they are. The cure for overfunctioning in relationships isn't pretending to be someone you're not, pretending to be more feminine. It's not about performing femininity.

Starting point is 00:16:22 It's about learning how to be taken care of, about how to receive the attention of affection and care you long for learning how to receive is a wound that needs healing. It's not a costume that you can put on. It's inner work. It's really healing the root cause of why you're overfunctioning in the first place. So now that you know all of this, you're going to start seeing it everywhere and you'll be all the wiser for it. And now we're going to talk about what actually works. The five pieces of advice you should follow instead.

Starting point is 00:16:56 at the core of every healthy relationship is emotional responsibility, self-trust, and internal steadiness. These aren't abstract ideas. They are skills that you have to practice. So here are the five principles that actually create clarity, calm, and genuine connection. First, start with the only person you can control you. Every dating struggle points back to your relationship with yourself, not in a blaming way, but in a profoundly empowering one. You cannot control how men behave, how quickly they move, whether they text back, or whether they choose you. But you can control what you tolerate, what meaning you make from his behavior, how you communicate

Starting point is 00:17:39 your needs, and how you respond when something isn't working. That's the foundation of emotional maturity. So the action step with this is to look back at your last few dating situations and identify the moment you abandoned yourself. When did you rationalize a red flag? When did you soften a truth? When did you minimize a need or excuse a pattern or something that you're seeing? And when did you allow something that made you uncomfortable? Your dating life changes the moment you stop negotiating with yourself. Number two, trust your intuition more than any expert, algorithm, or friend group. Most women have spent years outsourcing their judgment, asking their friends, their family, their dad, crowdsourcing opinions, Googling analysis, polling group chats, consuming endless dating content, asking their friends and family, what do you think about him?

Starting point is 00:18:34 And intuition just slowly becomes background noise, as I stated earlier. But your intuition is your most accurate guidance system. It knows when something feels off long before the story. in your mind even catches up. It's a felt sense that you have inside of you that you have learned to turn away from. The goal at Ready for Love is not for women to do what I say, but for them to learn how to do what they think is best for themselves. It's cultivating that rock-solid relationship with yourself so that you can become a woman who leads herself. So the action step here is when you feel activated or confused, pause before responding.

Starting point is 00:19:16 Ask yourself, if I trusted myself completely, what would I choose right now? The more you practice this, the clearer dating becomes. Number three, treat your needs as your filter, not as flaws. Women have conditioned to treat their needs as inconveniences rather than essential information. We downplay, we ignore, we minimize, we make excuses, we apologize for our needs, and we most certainly do not assert them and ask for them to be met. But your needs are the roadmap to compatibility. That is a really powerful statement.

Starting point is 00:19:52 So first of all, about needs. No one can meet your needs if they don't even know what they are. So expecting mind reading is a trap and a total setup for failure. And a man who cannot meet your needs isn't a bad man. He's just simply not your man. He is not your partner. And this has nothing to do with your worthiness or your needs being too much. So action step here is to get clear.

Starting point is 00:20:16 on your non-negotiables and your requirements. These are your filters, not your flaws. And as I like to say, dare to be difficult, ladies, stop trying to be so easy. Number four, authenticity must be your dating strategy. Any action you take to elicit a particular reaction from him, such as waiting to text him back, pretending you're unbothered, hiding your needs, mirroring his ambivalence is manipulation disguised as confidence. It erodes both connection and self-respect. You cannot build intimacy on tactics. Authenticity might feel riskier in the moment, but it's actually the most self-loving, self-respecting, and dignified way to be. And it's the only path that leads to genuine partnership and internal peace. So action step here. Before you speak or

Starting point is 00:21:13 respond, ask yourself, am I expressing myself or am I trying to manage his perception of me? If it's the latter, pause and re-center yourself. You have to lead with truth, not pretense, or performance. Here's what I know to be true. You cannot fully thrive in your life if one area is growing and the others are quietly being neglected. Eventually, the imbalance catches up to you. That's why I created three programs to support women in the areas that matter most. Self-devoted helps you reconnect to your body, your health, and your self-care. Self-satisfied helps you create relationships that feel secure, fulfilling, and aligned. And self-made helps you shift your money mindset so wealth not only feels possible, it feels inevitable.

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Starting point is 00:22:30 And five, become the woman who is ready for love, not the woman trying to earn it. At the heart of everything I teach is this. To find the right partner, you must first, become the right partner to yourself. This isn't about perfection. It's about cultivating self-trust, boundaries, emotional wholeness, and the courage to walk away from what doesn't honor you. The women who struggle most in dating aren't struggling because of men. It's true. They're struggling because they repeatedly abandon themselves in pursuit of love and connection. When you stop doing that, everything changes. So action step here is when you catch yourself spiraling about a

Starting point is 00:23:13 man, why he hasn't texted, what he meant, whether he's losing interest, you have to redirect yourself inward and ask yourself, do I even like how I feel when I'm with him? Do I even like how I feel when we're not together? This single reframe shifts your dating life from reactive to grounded and centered in yourself. So here's the bottom line. The worst relationship advice teaches women to contort themselves around men. And the best relationship advice teaches women to come home to themselves. Dating becomes dramatically simpler when you stop trying to get a man to choose you, and instead you choose yourself every single time, clearly, consistently, and unapologetically. That is the moment love stops feeling like a battlefield and starts feeling like alignment,

Starting point is 00:24:03 and it actually becomes so much easier and a whole lot more fun. If you're tired of crowds, sourcing terrible dating advice from friends, family, and the internet, and you're ready to actually change your patterns for good. You are in the right place. Stick around and be part of the Ready for Love solution. We have so many options for women at all levels. Obviously, this podcast is a free resource. I have a relatively new substack where I post weekly articles. We also just launched the Ready for Love coaching app, which is so exciting. We have a handful of self-study courses and of course our flagship coaching program that you can apply to join at ready for loveink dot com forward slash apply wherever you go within my within my ecosystem here my promise to you is that

Starting point is 00:24:48 i'm teaching you the real work how to stop abandoning yourself stop taking bullshit advice and start showing up as the woman who creates the love and the life she wants thanks for listening if you enjoyed this episode please rate and review it helps other women find us and if you know someone who really needs to hear this, please share it with them too. See you next time. I believe your best life includes feeling comfortable and confident in your body, and you shouldn't tolerate anything less than that. If weight loss is one of your 2026 goals and you're ready to put yourself first, weight loss by hers offers personalized support designed to meet you right where you are. Through hers, you're connected with a medical provider who determines if

Starting point is 00:25:41 treatment is right for you and creates a personalized plan to support your goals. Feel your very best. Visit for hers.com slash ready for love to get an affordable plan customized just for you. That's F-O-R-H-E-R-S dot com slash ready for love. Weight loss by hers is not available everywhere. Compounded drug products are not approved or evaluated for safety, effectiveness, or quality by the FDA. Prescription required. See website for full details, important safety information, and restrictions. Actual price depends on product and plan purchase. One of the most empowering things you can do is be intentional about where your money goes. And paying for things simply because we always have is not intentional. A lot of

Starting point is 00:26:29 people assume that spending less on wireless means settling for less, and that's simply not true. Mint Mobile offers unlimited plans with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text, delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. It's built for people who want dependable service without overpaying. You can use your own phone, keep your own number, and choose a three, six, or 12-month plan, which makes your costs predictable and often much lower than traditional carriers. If you want to stop overspending in places that don't really matter and redirect that money toward what actually enriches your life, this is a smart option to consider. This January quit overspending on wireless with 50% off unlimited premium wireless.

Starting point is 00:27:05 Plans start at $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash ready for love. That's mintmobile.com slash ready for love. Limited time offer, upfront payment of $45 for a three-month plan, $90 for a six-month plan, or $180 for a 12-month plan required. Taxes and fees extra, initial plan term only. Speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes when the network is busy. Capable device required, availability, speed, and coverage vary. See mintmobile.com.

The Hilary Silver Podcast - #100: The Worst Relationship Advice Women Keep Falling For (And What Actually Works Instead)

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