The Hilary Silver Podcast - #105: Its Not About Finding Him, Its About Being Her

Starting point is 00:00:00 I know you think you just haven't met the kind of man who is equally as successful as you, a man who is strong and secure enough to celebrate your success rather than being intimidated by it. But that is not the real problem, I promise you. And if you keep thinking that it is, you are only going to exhaust yourself trying to find him. So today, I'm going to tell you what the real problem actually is. And it might sting just a little bit. But it's exactly what you need to hear, because once you understand, understand this, you'll be able to unlock the frustrating and confusing cycle of dating disappointment

Starting point is 00:00:35 and relationship let down, and finally just attract, create, and keep the love that you want. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. You're new to me in this podcast, or you just need to be reminded, I really am an authority in this space. I've been a therapist and a coach for 25 years. I started with a private practice for 14 years working with men, women, and couples on the toughest life and relationship issues. Things like divorce, infidelity, addictions, narcissism, anxiety, you name it. I'm classically trained in almost all the clinical modalities, and I was even one of the very first few people to ever be certified in EMDR back in 2005. Over the years, I have spent tens of thousands of hours with clients, so I'm not just a content

Starting point is 00:01:26 creator who posts videos and sells courses and has this podcast. I've actually been in the trenches face to face, sleeves rolled up, sharing tears with clients and remembering their names and their faces and their stories. And here's what I know for sure. The women who take what I'm saying to heart, they win. By the way, here is something else that not many other people can say. I have been with my husband for 26 years. So I do know what it takes to make a relationship work. So please trust me when I say that asking, where are all the good quality men? Where do they hang out? I don't even know where to meet good men. All of that is just misdirected time, energy, and focus. It is the wrong question. So listen to me right now. It is not about finding him,

Starting point is 00:02:15 my loves. It is about being her. So what do I mean by that? I mean there is a very specific version of you that you need to be in order to be successful in your love life. She, who is the version of you who is healed and healthy and whole and happy all on her own. She loves and accepts herself unconditionally. She doesn't doubt herself or question herself, but instead trusts herself completely in every way to always be herself no matter what, to do what is best for her, even when it's hard or scary. and she knows that she will always be okay no matter what. This is the version of you who knows without a doubt that she is worthy and capable of giving

Starting point is 00:03:02 and receiving healthy love and will never ever settle for less. That is what I mean when I say it is not about finding him. It's about being her, being that version of you. Because I promise you even if Mr. Wonderful came knocking on your door right now, you're probably not ready for him. You might think that you are because you want it, but if your past is any indication of your present, you are likely to just continue your cycles and your patterns. So let's get into the three steps to fully stepping into being her.

Starting point is 00:03:37 Step number one is the edgiest thing that I'm going to say to you today. So put your seatbelt on. You need to accept that you are the problem in your love life. All the struggles and patterns and cycles that you've been in, yes, it is you. you. And I know it is the bitter pill to swallow, but it is also the magic pill. Because if you're the problem, then you are also the solution. And that is the most liberating and empowering thing, I can tell you. Because if the reason that you're experiencing all of this disappointment and letdown is external, if it's all about the men and the apps and your small town and your age and your past,

Starting point is 00:04:14 there's really absolutely just nothing you can do about it. You are screwed forever. But on the other hand, if you're willing to look in the mirror and to see how you are the common denominator, that is the quickest. Really, it's the only way to get to the root and break through to look. Because you just simply need to see where you've been going wrong all this time and make some adjustments. I always want to be the reason that something isn't working in my life because then I have complete control. I can see what I need to do differently and then I really just make the essential shifts and I end up getting what I want. while I know it's really hard to hear this, it's also the best thing that I can tell you.

Starting point is 00:04:54 And if you don't believe me, listen, the old way of doing all of this is being a business badass, but accepting crumbs, friends with benefits when you really want a commitment, and sitting in his waiting room while he decides if you're the one for him. It's lowering your standards, compromising or negotiating with yourself, and settling for less than you desire in a partner or in a relationship. It's wasting time, staying too long with the wrong men and in the wrong relationships, thinking maybe this is as good as it gets and just trying to make it work. And maybe even some of you are allowing yourselves to be treated poorly.

Starting point is 00:05:31 It's also going through all the motions of the dating and the meetups and the coffee dates, but you're subconsciously thinking a lot of these things. All the good men are taken. There are no good men in my town. Only married men are attracted to me. All men cheat or men only want. sex. I can't trust men. It's only a matter of time before it ends and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's thinking that men are intimidated by my strength and my success. So be honest, how many of

Starting point is 00:05:59 these thoughts have you ever had? Or similar. You can't want a truly equal partner and think that men are intimidated by your strength and success. And you can't want a lasting loving relationship and meanwhile be waiting for the other shoe to drop. It just doesn't work. like that. So once you take this big, powerful, brave step to swallow the bitter pill, which is also the magic pill, you are in complete control. You know that it's 100% up to you whether you have amazing love in your life or not. To do this, you have to be willing to be honest with yourself and take radical responsibility for yourself. This puts you at the wheel, okay? And that just means no more blaming men, the apps, your ex, your past, your parents,

Starting point is 00:06:47 your small town or the big city that you live in. And it also means no more hoping, praying, wishing, dreaming, and waiting for something to just magically change in your love life. And it means no more denying, avoiding, pretending, lying to yourself that this isn't important to you while you focus on work or everything else but love and saying you're fine when you're not. Because while you are sitting on the bench curled up in your comfy, cozy cocoon where you can't get hurt or be disappointed again, life is passing you by. So here's the big picture and what I want you to understand. The kind of man that you want to be with has done his own looking in the mirror too. He knows that he is the problem in his life. And so together, you'll be able to create a relationship where you can both take responsibility for

Starting point is 00:07:36 yourselves instead of always pointing the finger of blame at each other when things aren't working or their things aren't going so well. Do you see what I'm getting at here? When you stop looking externally, for the problem and when you stop justifying your avoidance of love with excuses, you are going to open up the floodgates. And so many quality available, masculine men are going to walk through that door and give you what you want. They will treat you the way you want to be treated. It's like magic, except it actually works and it's real. Step number two, transforming your relationship with yourself. All the focus is always on finding the one and of course that is the end goal. But here's the deal. You first have to become the one.

Starting point is 00:08:18 Our relationships are a mirror reflecting back to us the truth of who we are in every moment. So all the experiences that you've been having with men in relationships reveal what is happening internally with you. So let's talk about what's really going on. On the outside, you look the part. You have it all together. The career, the house, the success, the lifestyle. You take really good care of yourself and maybe you look 10 years younger than you are. I hear that every single day from women.

Starting point is 00:08:47 And you do all the things, the spa days, massages, facials, hair, nails, girls, trips, and nice clothes. So you think that you have good self-care and take good care of yourself. And then you point to all of your professional success and your fabulous life and think about yourself as a confident and powerful woman. Intellectually, you know you are a great catch and you deserve love and anyone would be lucky to have you. But here's the thing. Your track record with men does not reflect that of a woman at your level, nor does it reflect that of a woman who truly, genuinely, knows her worth and her value. Does it? That's because what is going on in your inner world is a very different story than what you show the world. I am so willing to bet that you are hard on yourself. You have a mean inner critic. You doubt yourself, question yourself, second guess yourself, you don't trust yourself, which causes all kinds of anxiety. over thinking, over analyzing, and overwhelm. Your self-talk sucks. Deep down, you are constantly proving you are worthy and enough, chasing, earning, or performing for external validation

Starting point is 00:09:56 and acceptance. Such is the way of high-achieving women. This is a little known fact, but it is a fact nonetheless. High-achieving women often struggle with low self-worth and low self-esteem. And I want you to understand this. All of this comes from our condition. and our programming from our very earliest days as little girls. We were taught to think this way, taught to talk to ourselves this way, taught to be this way. But this is not how we talk to or treat someone that we love, is it? And here's where it all started. When you were ignored, emotionally neglected, or loved conditionally,

Starting point is 00:10:33 meaning only when you achieved or acted in a specific way, you learned that there is a certain way to be in this world. And if you're not that, then you are not lovable. then you are not lovable. And when you were left to fend for yourself and maybe even take care of others, you learned that everyone else matters, but you don't, and that your needs aren't important. Maybe you don't even get to have needs. And you learned that no one will ever be there for you to take care of you and help you. And if you want something in this world, it is up to you to make it happen. So you became super self-sufficient and independent and the woman who handles everything.

Starting point is 00:11:08 All of this works at work, which is why you're successful. even if that has come at a cost, but it absolutely does not work in love. In fact, it makes it nearly impossible to receive the love that you are longing for and working so hard to find. The sad truth is that you've probably never really received unconditional love, not even when you were a little girl. So it's quite possible you don't even know how to let this kind of love in. And here's what's so confusing. You want it so badly and you're starved for it. And at the same time, it scares you way more than you realize. And that's because intimacy is scary, even for powerful women who are fearless at work.

Starting point is 00:11:51 Being vulnerable and letting him in means he might see all of you, which means he may discover that you're not perfect, or see all the bits of you that you deem unlovable, that you have yet to accept in yourself. And then that puts you in a position to be abandoned, hurt, rejected, or disappointed again. So here's what's really happening. Your subconscious self-protective behavior kicks in. It's designed to keep you safe from your worst fears being realized. I call this protection prevents connection.

Starting point is 00:12:26 It's a trademarked piece of content right out of the Ready for Love program. And here's the painful irony. Because of this, you end up creating the very rejection that you are so desperately trying to avoid. Because these behaviors are blocking the intimacy in the connection that you want. When you are deep in protection mode, you can't be in a state to connect at all. You can't create connection, but it looks like he's the problem. So here's what becomes possible when you do this work. You create a rock solid, unconditional, and unshakable relationship with yourself. You make peace with your past and heal all those old hurts and wounds

Starting point is 00:13:06 and traumas. And you reprogram your brain to think in a new way and create new mindset. sets for yourself. And this allows you to love yourself unconditionally, accept yourself even on your bad days, and forgive yourself for all your flaws, faults, and mistakes. And then you know you are worthy and deserving and trust yourself to always get your own back. Imagine what that would feel like. Would that feel like relief or peace or freedom? And when you do all of this, what happens is you become that one. You become the one in your life. You are the love of your own life. The one who is beaming with self-generated joy and certainty and magnetism. You will feel it internally and then it just radiates out of you. You take that energy with you everywhere you go. Everything that you

Starting point is 00:13:56 are doing has this high vibe quality behind it. It's who you are being when you are doing all the things that you are doing. One thing I don't do any more. is allow the beauty industry to tell me I should be afraid of aging. I'm not interested in panic. I'm interested in power. Empower comes from understanding what actually works. That's why I use one skin. Their proprietary peptide OS1 is the first ingredient scientifically proven to reverse skin's biological age. It works by switching off the damaged cells that contribute to lines, wrinkles, and sagging skin. One skin was founded by PhD longevity scientists. So this is real research. And once I started using the OS1 face

Starting point is 00:14:39 moisturizer, I noticed my skin feeling stronger, smoother, and more even. Born from over a decade of longevity research, one skin's OS1 peptide is proven to target the visible signs of aging, and a non-negotiable for me is that it's cruelty-free. For a limited time, try OneSkin, with 15%

Starting point is 00:14:55 off using code Ready for Love at OneSkin.c.c.0. slash Ready for Love. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. This was a paid advertisement from one skin. And the last piece to step fully into being her is to get good at dating and relationships. So let's face it, you are good at almost everything else you do. People come to you

Starting point is 00:15:20 to help solve their problems. You run circles around everyone. You are a highly capable, competent woman. It's just who you are. You probably get more done in the morning before nine o'clock before some people do all day, right? So can we just maybe agree or at least consider that love and may not be your zone of genius. Maybe this is just one area that doesn't come naturally to you. Maybe you didn't learn how to have a healthy relationship from what was modeled for you at home. You probably learned, like most of us, what you don't want from your parents. I sure did. And you didn't learn this anywhere along the way in school or church or synagogue or temple or therapy or anywhere else, because we're not taught these things. And you've probably not experienced yourself being successful in this area of your life yet.

Starting point is 00:16:07 So it makes perfect sense why this is so hard for you. We know we can do something when we've seen ourselves do it and do it well again and again. But maybe you just haven't seen yourself do this well yet. So it can be hard to trust it and to be certain and confident in yourself in this area. But here's the thing. Believing that love and relationship should come easy or naturally. And that if it doesn't come naturally to us, then there's something wrong with us or we're inadequate for love, and that is just total BS. There's a difference between wanting love and having

Starting point is 00:16:43 the skills to make it happen. And there just comes a time when we have to acknowledge that we need to learn a new way of doing things or acquire a new skill set. So here's what it looks like when you know what you're doing, what becomes possible when you develop these skills. First, you trust your picker completely because you have 100% clarity on what you need and want in a a partner. So you trust yourself to never, ever settle, bargain, or negotiate with yourself ever again, nor will you push away a great guy for the wrong reasons. That's a big one. Next, you can navigate the early tender stages of dating, like the texting and the flirting and the messaging and the pacing, and to do it with ease and grace. You know the rules so that you know what to do

Starting point is 00:17:29 and not to do even when you get really excited because he checks so many of the boxes or the chemistry is hot and you don't get attached before a man has actually earned that place in your life. You spot red flags early and walk away because you value yourself enough to know that your time and your energy are precious. And if it's not a fit, it's just not a fit. And finally, you learn how to be healthy in a relationship so you can make it last for the long term. It's understanding a whole new dynamic where you are fully expressed and you know how to receive and hold space for yourself in a relationship. No more self-betrayal or self-abandoning or losing yourself in a relationship ever again. This is being her. Dating as a high-vib, high-value, high-value woman.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Just easy, breezy, comfortable in your own skin, fearless and vulnerable, all at the same time. Knowing that your worth is inside of you and not contingent upon him picking you. It's knowing what you want and refusing to settle for less. So, do you have a little? So, do you have a vision of what that version of you looks like and feels like? What's it like to be her? How does that change your life? Not just your love life, but being her all the time, wherever you go, no matter what you're doing or who you are with. When you can be her, it doesn't just change your life. When women start showing up like this, it really does change everything. So the bottom line today, the good men are out there. But it is not about finding him or using manipulation,

Starting point is 00:19:03 or tactics to get him. Those high-vib, high-quality men are not looking for that old version of you that fixes broken men or shrinks herself or hides behind all of her layers of protection and doesn't know how to receive love. Those men are drawn to and are looking for her, that new version of you. And becoming her, that is the work. That must be your focus. And when you do and you become her, you win no matter what, whether you ever meet an amazing man and have that love in your life, you win no matter what. Because the true gift and the true prize is you get this to be this version of yourself in life. And I do just want to say, ready for love is the most comprehensive life and relationship skills program available anywhere. And we are the longest running and most

Starting point is 00:19:57 legit. We have more success stories than any other program can offer. If you want to watch or listen to some of our graduates sharing their experiences, I will put those episode numbers in the show notes and in the description below. And if you're ready to have our help with how to do all of this and how to actually make it happen, go to Readyforloveink.com slash apply. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.

The Hilary Silver Podcast - #105: Its Not About Finding Him, Its About Being Her

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