The Hilary Silver Podcast - #106: The Myth of 'Good on Paper' - Why Your Checklist is Keeping You Single

Starting point is 00:00:00 Let's talk about the list. You know you have one. All the criteria of what you want in a partner. Having this list means you know what you want and you won't settle. You have standards and you're proud of it. Except that somehow having that list hasn't really served you because here you are still single. Either staying with the wrong men despite the list or eliminating all men because of the list. So today we are talking all about the list because what good is it if it's not really helping? Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. I know you've been told to make a list of the qualities and traits that you are looking for in a partner. It's age-old advice. And in theory, it sounds like a great idea. It's like having a grocery list before you go shopping so you don't

Starting point is 00:00:49 forget anything that you need or want at the store. So you're man shopping and you have your list. It keeps you honest and on track, not overlooking things or forgetting things that are important to you. all fine and good. It feels empowering like you're taking control of your love life, you're being intentional about your next partner. Except here's what's actually happening. Your list isn't protecting you. It's probably sabotaging you because despite the list, you keep ending up with men who don't measure up making concessions or settling or it's been three years or five years or longer and you're still all alone not getting what you want in a partner or in a relationship. So here are three reasons why the list has become part of the problem and the micro adjustments that will help

Starting point is 00:01:38 make a big impact. First, you're checking surface level boxes and completely missing what actually matters. Here's what I mean by that. It's that you're not making a distinction between what I call gatekeeping criteria versus character criteria. Gatekeeping criteria are the basic logistics that have to work before you even go on a date? Does he live close enough that we can actually date each other? I don't believe in LDRs, long-distance relationships. Is he at a compatible life stage? If you're 60 with grown kids, you probably don't want someone

Starting point is 00:02:12 who had kids later in life and still has toddlers. Are there major lifestyle deal breakers? You're retired and ready to travel the world. He's building a brick-and-mortar business and won't be free for a nomad life for many years to come. These are just examples of gatekeeping criteria. These are legitimate filters, they're practical, and they're quick decisions. If he lives three states away or has five kids under 10, when you're done with that stage of life, you just don't go on a date with this person.

Starting point is 00:02:41 It's very simple. But here's where women get into trouble. When those basic boxes are checked, they think they found someone promising and they get excited about the potential. Wow. finally a man with a high-level job who has older kids like me. He's tall, successful, went to a good school and shares my religion. This could really be something. And now they're invested in the idea of him before they've actually evaluated who he is. They've checked the surface-level boxes so they overlook red flags, they excuse behaviors they wouldn't tolerate otherwise, and they stay

Starting point is 00:03:15 longer than they should because on paper he's everything I wanted. But all of those surface-level criteria tell you absolutely nothing about who he is as a person, his character. Yes, he has a high level job, but does he have integrity? Yes, he's educated, but is he kind? Yes, he's the right height, is he emotionally available? Yes, he goes to your church. Does he take responsibility for his actions? You need to be looking for values-based criteria, character traits, who he actually is. And here's the thing about values versus interests or circumstances. People's interests change over time. Their circumstances change, but their values rarely do. You both might love hiking right now, but in five years, one of you gets injured or loses interest. That's not a deal breaker if you share core values.

Starting point is 00:04:09 You might both have demanding careers right now, but careers shift, priorities change, and life happens. What matters is, do you both value integrity, respect, partnership, and communication. Those things don't change. A man who takes responsibility today will take responsibility in five years. A man who's kind to waiters now will be kind to waiters in 10 years. A man who is generous now will more than likely continue to be generous. That is what you should be evaluating. Not whether he checks boxes on height, income education, and hobbies. But most women spend way more time excited about the surface level stuff than they do actually assessing character. and then ending up in relationships with the wrong men and staying too long trying to make it work.

Starting point is 00:04:56 So you're checking these somewhat arbitrary boxes on your list and making decisions about him and your potential based on credentials instead of character. The second reason, even if you have the right things on your list, quality and values-based criteria like emotional availability, kindness, integrity, that doesn't mean that you can actually recognize what those things look like. in real life, or more importantly, recognize when someone is faking it. Most women say they want an emotionally available man. Great, that's on the list.

Starting point is 00:05:29 What does that actually mean? What does that look like in real life when he's standing right in front of you? Is it sharing a personal story about your childhood on the second date? Is it saying, I've done a lot of therapy, or using words like emotional regulation and attachment style? Is it crying at a movie or telling you he's in touch with his feelings? Maybe, but maybe not. Just because you have emotionally available written on your list doesn't mean you can tell the difference

Starting point is 00:05:58 between a man who's genuinely open and vulnerable versus a man who's learned the language and is using it to hook you in. A man who knows he's supposed to act a certain way can do it once or a few times or for a short period of time. But if it's not real, it's not consistent and it's not sustainable. He can't keep it up because it's just not genuine. for him. And when you're busy checking the box on your list, because yes, he's gone to therapy and he's worked on himself, you don't learn to feel it in your body. You're not in your own senses.

Starting point is 00:06:32 You're not actually feeling whether this is real or whether it's a performance. Your intuition is a felt sense. It's telling you and alerting you when something is off. But you can't access your intuition when you're in your head, busy checking boxes. Your intuition definitely doesn't care about a list on paper. Knowing and feeling the difference is discernment. The ability to feel when something is off, even if you can't articulate why. It's the ability to recognize when someone is performing versus when they're being real. The ability to trust your gut over a checked box. This discernment happens in your body. the tightness in your chest when he says something that sounds good but feels wrong. It's the sense of ease and safety that you feel with someone who's genuinely present and healthy.

Starting point is 00:07:27 It's noticing that you're performing and on guard instead of relaxed and just being yourself. It's your nervous system telling you yes, this is right or no, something is off here. So you can have the perfect list. Every single thing on it could be a legitimate character trait or a value. But if you don't know what a true expression of that trait looks like, how to feel the difference between real and fake, the list is worse than useless, it's dangerous because it's giving you a false sense of security. And now I'm going to flip this for a second because it's not just you doing this to him.

Starting point is 00:08:05 Women get way more caught up in the list on paper than men do. Men don't evaluate a potential partner based on her job, her life stage or her income the same way that women evaluate men. So what I see all the time, especially with high achieving women, is that all the focus for her goes into being on that list of checked boxes. She has the great career and lifestyle. She's fit and good looking. She takes care of herself. She has the achievements and the credentials. And then she will show up on dates as if she's auditioning for a part or interviewing for a job. Emotionally detached, unavailable. not being authentic, real, or vulnerable. It's performing. So you want to check his boxes

Starting point is 00:08:53 rather than just being yourself and then letting the chips fall where they may. You can't create intimacy, chemistry, and real connection from a place of evaluation and performance. You have to actually be present, be yourself, be vulnerable enough to let someone see you and curious enough to actually see them. But the checklist keeps you trapped in your head on both sides of the equation. You're evaluating him. You're performing for him. And then neither one of you is actually there. This is not a dramatic life overhaul, but it is a small upgrade that makes your everyday life feel better. I'm talking about socks. If you know me, you know I love being cozy. The plush lounge socks from Cozy Earth are exactly what I want with loungewear. They're soft, comfortable, and comfortable.

Starting point is 00:09:43 cozy without being too hot. They just make being at home feel better. And their essential socks are what I wear when I'm playing pickleball or out running around. They're comfortable, they stay in place, and I don't have to think about them. I'm pretty small, and I really appreciate that Cozy Earth offers an actual small sock size option. No more one size fits all that actually doesn't fit. It's simple, but when what you're wearing feels this good, it subtly changes how your whole day feels. Head to cozyearth.com and use my code ready for love for up to 20% off. That's ready for love at cozy earth.com and use my code ready for love for up to 20% off. And if you get a post-purch survey, be sure to mention you heard about cozy earth from me.

Starting point is 00:10:28 I'm thoughtful about what I wear. I pay close attention to fit, fabric, and style. I only wear clothes that make me look and feel great. This includes what I wear underneath. I won't settle for anything less than bras and underwear that actually do the job technically and feel amazing. I've tried many brands and one of my most favorites is the fits everybody collection from skims. The bras have underwear that actually support my body without cutting in or digging. They just keep everything right where I want things to be. And the underwear is the kind you forget you're wearing in the

Starting point is 00:11:01 best possible way. Invisible under clothes, comfortable all day. It's a small shift, but it changes how you feel getting dressed. You start your day feeling a little more put together, even if no one else sees it. And if someone else sees it, that's just a bonus. Shop the Skims Fits Everybody Collection at skims.com. That's S-K-I-M-S dot com. After you place your order, let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and choose Ready for Love in the drop down. One more very important thing before we get to the final reason that the list is doing you wrong. I need to call out one specific box that perfectly illustrates this whole problem. Religion. This is one of the most dangerous boxes on your list because it feels like you're being discerning and having standards and making a conscious choice

Starting point is 00:11:49 when actually you end up making a lot of assumptions. If you are religious or deeply faithful, doesn't matter what it is, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, spiritual, whatever. And you meet someone who shares your faith. You will make all kinds of judgments about him instantly. We are all biased in our own favor in this way. You think, oh, good, he's Christian like me. He must be a good man. Or he's Jewish. We definitely share the same values. Or he's spiritual. He must be conscious and evolved. Then you actually stop paying attention to who he is. Just because he goes to your church does not mean he's a good man. Men who go to church also lie, cheat, manipulate, have addictions, have narcissistic tendencies and can be emotionally abusive just like any other man.

Starting point is 00:12:38 In fact, and this might make some of you uncomfortable, some of the most toxic men that I've encountered in 25 years of practice hide behind religion. They use it as a shield. They go to church every Sunday, but they treat their partners terribly behind closed doors. They quote scripture and they cheat. They lead Bible study groups and are controlling and manipulative. Women have said, oh, I thought, you know, he comes from a Jewish or a Muslim family, so we're already aligned

Starting point is 00:13:06 in so many things. They made so many assumptions about this man, and he turned out to be a horrible person. Women miss all the signs and cues because shared faith and religion becomes a checked box that makes them feel safe. Shared faith is one piece of information. It can matter for lifestyle compatibility, for raising children, shared spiritual values, but it does not. not tell you about his character. It does not guarantee he is emotionally healthy, that he's a good person or a good partner, and that he will treat you well. Being of the same religion or faith is just simply that, and that alone. And when you assume it means more, you are blind to everything else he can be and your list becomes dangerous. So I hope that you will take that to heart.

Starting point is 00:13:55 So the last reason, the list keeps you safe from ever having to choose anyone. It's sabotage. You're using it to narrow the field so much that no one can actually get through. Now, you didn't consciously create it for that purpose. You genuinely think that you're maintaining standards. But if we're really being honest, the checklist serves a very important subconscious function. It protects you from having to be vulnerable. Think about it. If your list has 12, 15, 20 requirements, he must be this tall, make this much money, have this kind of degree, live within a radius, have kids this age or no kids at all, share your faith, work out regularly, have a close relationship with his family, but not too close. Want kids, but within a specific time frame, and be emotionally intelligent and masculine and ambitious, but also present. You get the idea. No one is going to check every single box. No real human being is going to.

Starting point is 00:14:54 to meet all of those requirements. And that's the point, because if no one ever meets all of your criteria, you never have to actually choose anyone. You get to stay safe, sitting on the bench, opting out. You get to keep dating and dating, finding fault with everyone saying, I just can't find anyone that I'm interested in, or no one measures up to my standards.

Starting point is 00:15:17 But the truth is, you're finding fault on purpose, subconsciously on purpose. It's kind of like you're backing yourself, into a corner where no one is ever good enough. And from that corner, you're safe and protected. You don't have to risk getting close. You don't have to be vulnerable. You don't have to face the possibility of getting hurt again. And here's what you're really afraid of. Making the wrong choice again, being disappointed again, investing in someone who doesn't work out again, trusting your judgment after being wrong so many times before. And underneath all of that is being afraid.

Starting point is 00:15:54 of intimacy itself. Getting close to someone means they might see the real you, the parts that you think are unlovable. The parts you think aren't perfect. Getting close to someone means you might get hurt, rejected, abandoned, let down, betrayed. Getting close to someone means you have to trust them. And trusting feels terrifying when you've been let down before. So you create these obstacles and the checklist becomes your excuse and your shield, your reason why you can't find anyone. It's not me. It's just, I have high standards and no one meets them. I'm not going to settle. Don't ask me to settle. But what if the real problem is that you're using impossibly high standards to avoid having to actually let someone in? This is sophisticated, intelligent, well-discized

Starting point is 00:16:45 sabotage, but sabotage nonetheless. And the saddest part, is that you do actually want love. You might be lonely and you might genuinely want partnership, but underneath that desire is a deeper fear. That fear of intimacy and vulnerability and being hurt. And as long as that fear is running the show, you will always find a way to keep everyone out. The checklist is just the tool that you are using to do it.

Starting point is 00:17:13 So the list is still good advice, but there's a right way and a wrong way to use it. and it will either help you along or it will hold you back. It helps because when you get it right, you'll stop picking the wrong men despite the list or stop eliminating all men because of the list, holding you back because you're subconsciously blocking what you really want the most because it scares you to open yourself up to the what-ifs. You stop eliminating incredible men for superficial reasons.

Starting point is 00:17:43 You stop staying too long with men who look good on paper but feel all wrong. and you stop hiding behind requirements and start actually choosing. You become a woman who trusts herself, who listens to herself, who knows what she wants, and she can recognize it in person, in real life, when she sees it standing in front of her. You can discern this character. You can feel the difference between real and fake. And that's when it gets fun because it's effortless. And this is when it actually will happen for you.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Thanks for listening. Make sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel. that you can share your comments on all of our episodes. And if this resonated with you and you're ready to develop real discernment, to stop sabotaging yourself and become the woman who knows how to choose the right partner, go to readyforloveink.com forward slash apply to learn more about working with us. See you next time.

The Hilary Silver Podcast - #106: The Myth of 'Good on Paper' - Why Your Checklist is Keeping You Single

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.