The Hilary Silver Podcast - #111: Why Successful Women Still Struggle in Love with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, it's Hillary. So you may notice that today's episode sounds a little different, and that's because it is. I recently had the honor of being a guest on my friend Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby's podcast called Love, Happiness, and Success. And we had such a powerful conversation that I knew I just had to share it with you here, too. We get into the paradox that so many successful women find themselves in. Why the strategy that works in every other area of your life actually backfires in relationships? We talk about the about the belief that if you just do more, prove more, achieve more, love will follow. And of course, it doesn't work that way. And once you understand why everything starts to shift. So sit back and enjoy this conversation originally recorded for the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby. I think you're going to love it. 90% of the women that we talk to when I ask them what they're most afraid of in being vulnerable with a high quality person who's at their level is, I'm afraid that I'm going to let him see who I am and he won't like what he sees and he'll leave, then I'm not good enough. So if you've ever wondered why women who seem like

Starting point is 00:01:11 they have it all together, they are powerful, high achieving, ultra-competent in one part of their lives, typically their careers, in other parts of their lives, like their personal lives, their love lives, are really struggling. They are single and don't want to be. be, they're feeling stuck, feel like they're settling in love. This conversation is for you. Welcome back to love happiness and success. I'm your host, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby. And today I am joined by my pal, Hillary Silver, to talk about this weird paradox that can

Starting point is 00:01:49 happen with high achieving women and this trap that so many fall into. This belief that constant doing, proving, achieving is going to earn them love in the same way it earned them success. Spoiler alert, it does not. And Hillary is here to tell us why and what amazing women can do a little differently in order to get better results in their personal lives. So, hello, Hillary. But let's just start with this. And maybe, I mean, if you could take us in a bit to your origin story, like where you're coming from and how this particular type of earthling turned into a passion project for you to help. Yeah. Well, I started as you in Denver with a therapy practice and I did that for about 14 years and I really honed in on couples and relationships.

Starting point is 00:02:43 I think because I had this weird belief that if I could do couples therapy really well, then I was a really good therapist because that's really hard work. It is so hard. It's the hardest. But so it was really good training. I got so much great experience from working with couples on the most difficult life and relationship issues, right? Narcissism, infidelity, addictions, all the things. But I really didn't enjoy it. I didn't. And so I really started to pull away from that and focus on individuals who have relationship issues. And underneath all of that, what I was enjoying the most was really about empowerment relationship with self. And in the last probably five years of my practice, I was really developing a curriculum without realizing that I was doing it because I was repeating

Starting point is 00:03:29 myself over and over and over as I was meeting with my clients one on one. And then I was like, I am repeating myself over and over and everyone thinks that they're unique and alone. And I know they're not because I'm hearing client after client saying the same thing. So in 2017, I literally closed the doors, never thought in a million years I would ever walk away from that because I loved what I was doing until I didn't. And then I decided I really want to make a bigger impact. I want to really niche down and I really want to help people. And I was also somewhat of a rogue therapist in that I didn't follow protocol. I didn't do things the way I was taught. I was kind of the bad girl therapist. I really believed that by the time people came to see me,

Starting point is 00:04:14 spend their time and their money to get my help, they just want the answers. And I really felt like the therapy model was not serving people. I wanted them to get to be able to fix the problem, not continue to ruminate about it and identify with it and go in circles around it. So I developed ready for love and that's when I launched the program at the end of 2017. And it's been going strong ever since. I totally agree with what you're saying that people are are really wanting to solve the problems in their lives. It's also helpful to understand where the problems come from. Like, Nobody's mad at that, but typically, many times, that is often where traditional therapy ends. And so you and I share that. I too got frustrated with traditional therapy and moved into coaching psychology.

Starting point is 00:05:02 Because, you know, I came across a statistic recently, and this just blew me away. But then when I thought about it, I was like, yeah, that fits my experience. Is that something like 50% of the people showing up for therapy do not need or want or benefit from mental health treatment. That is not why they're there. It's like, I need to figure out how to handle my mother-in-law differently. How do we improve communication? How do I figure out my career?

Starting point is 00:05:31 Like, they're really coming to therapists to help them solve actual problems in their lives. And there's this huge disconnect because therapists, that's not what therapists do. And so I think that there's this weird people wanting something from therapy that is not what therapy is for, and people don't understand that. And so you are a pioneer in this. You kind of connected those dots a while back and turned it into a different way of helping your clients, these high-achieving women who are like, what the heck with their love lives? My program requires people to do the coaching. We have a self-serve, self-study version of the program where they can

Starting point is 00:06:09 just get the curriculum if that's the way they prefer to learn it. But our higher level coaching with all the support requires a consultation. And I've done about 8,000 of those calls in the last eight years. We've had 15,000 women book them with our team. So I have a lot of like data in my mind. It's not, unfortunately, I haven't been scientific about tracking it all. But they all say that they go to therapy looking for, you know, solving the problem. And they end up just going in circles.

Starting point is 00:06:44 And it's aimless. So they go to therapy. And the therapist is like, well, what are we talking about today? And it puts all the responsibility on the client to know where they're going and what they need. And I just say, in this case, I'm in charge. I know what you need. Just let me guide you through the process. Just receive what it is that I have to help you. And you will get the result. And they're not paying me for sessions or time. We're contracted to get the result. And on those calls, those initial calls, we are talking about what is it that you want to get out of

Starting point is 00:07:16 this. Who do you want to be at the end of this? And so you're not paying for sessions or time or whatever. It's an investment in who you want to become. And that's what we're, that's what we deliver. Okay. So yeah. With that all in mind. So you have a special heart for helping a certain type of woman. And I would love to just get your insight into what is really going on. And particularly, like who we're talking about are women who are these dynamos. I mean, competent, organized, look good, sound good, like all the things. But there's this internal part of frequently around like connection that just isn't working. Just take us into this. What's going on? Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of variables, right? It's never just one thing because psychology and relationships are both extremely

Starting point is 00:08:10 complex. But I find a number of things are happening. And, when you see that woman on the outside and it looks like she's got her life together, often high achieving women secretly struggle with low self-worth and low self-esteem. You might not think it because of how she conducts herself in her life. She's got friends and the great social life or civic life or a great success in her career. And by the way, if this is happening for those women at that executive level, doctor level, at lawyer level, it's happening for most women. Most, I just love women. I think women are dynamos, but we are our own worst enemy most of the time.

Starting point is 00:08:52 And so when you see women who are kind of at the top of the ladder, so to speak, most of them have gotten there. Not all of them, obviously, I don't want to speak in absolutes, but many of them have gotten there because there's a secret, subconscious driving force underneath at all, I need to prove myself. I need to prove I'm worthy, prove I deserve this, prove that I'm enough, prove that I'm smart, prove that I'm capable, I'm significant. See, and that is an old, old wound going all the way back to when we were little. And we didn't feel seen or important. We didn't get our needs met. We weren't loved. You know, we only got praised when we got A's or we were, you know, seeking to find an identity for ourselves in the chaos of a household. And that's how we got attention. So it's all that kind of stuff. Yeah, definitely. And,

Starting point is 00:09:42 And I mean, women who are at the top of the ladder, so to speak, have actualized all of that. But I also love what you're saying, that every woman probably carries some of that, particularly with those life experiences, that performance-based love, that needing to be good and together and all the things. And that that can turn into this, then, like, drive to please, to perform. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and it's in our conditioning as little girls, right? And I really want this to change so terribly. So the more I talk about it, the more I hope that it, I catch the new moms who have girls. But we were all conditioned to please, to accommodate, to be sweet, to be a good girl, to be kind, to be loving, to be nurturing. And we go into our relationships with this, what the kids call them out the pick me mentality. We want to be chosen. We want to be picked. We want to because when a boy likes us, we're desirable. when a man wants us, we are good enough rather than the other way around. And that's a lot of what has been brought, you know, that's the common thread, still for my clients who are in their

Starting point is 00:10:54 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s even, still carrying around this need, you know, and that's why, that's the discrepancy. So they can go into their careers and kick ass. But when it comes to love and intimacy and being vulnerable, you can't fake it there. You can't hide. You have to drop your walls. You have to be seen. And if you really want to be seen, you have to let yourself be seen. And there's a lot to fear about letting someone close enough to see you when you don't love and value yourself all the way. So they don't. So you're saying that what I'm hearing between the lines is that there's a this kind of protective layer, this orientation towards proving oneself or being perfect is probably an overly

Starting point is 00:11:46 simplified way of saying it, but that what it turns into are these internal walls that don't actually let other people in. And I'm sure that that is not conscious, right? It's not conscious, but that's exactly what's happening. And I call it, so I have a trademark phrase, protection prevents connection. And there are three identified personas in our program that we talk about the pleaser, the perfectionist. So yes, the perfectionist and the pusher. And these are all different clusters of behavior that are designed to keep us safe and protected from being witnessed as we really are because it's ultimately about a fear of rejection. And 98% of the women that we talk to when I ask them what they're most afraid of in being vulnerable with a high quality person

Starting point is 00:12:35 who's at their level is, I'm afraid that I'm going to let him see who I am and he won't like what he sees and he'll leave, then I'm not good enough. That's what is it ultimately is about. Even for the women who you think are just, they have their lives together in so many ways. It is just a common human experience, especially for women. Gosh, just I'm thinking about the humanity of it all, you know, and I think it's so easy to look at other people in superficial ways and have judgments or like compare yourself to them, right, make up these stories. But what I'm hearing you say, I think, is something that we all instinctively know, right? But it's like everybody is carrying around pain and their own story and just to like have compassion for other people,

Starting point is 00:13:21 but also to have compassion for yourself. And I mean, would it be a useful starting point even for some people listening to this and particularly women to think about, do I tend to be more a pleaser or a pusher or a perfectionist and just like a little bit of self-awareness around how would I know? Although I think probably people are like, oh yeah, that's me. Yeah. So I'll just, I'll just give you a quick description. And it doesn't mean you're not only just one. Maybe you're some of both. But most of us, I already know what a pleaser is. But these are the women who change who they are, edit, alter or filter what they want to say. They soften their opinions. They bend, accommodate, please. They think that they need to be somebody other than who they are

Starting point is 00:14:07 to be accepted like they're loved. And it's all about the other person. It's never about them. And they bend over backwards to help people. And they actually end up feeling misunderstood, unappreciated, and taken advantage of even. And the perfectionist is the woman who is just so critical of herself, mean to herself, heart on herself, cannot give her, give herself a break picks on herself. Nothing she does is good enough for herself. And she learned to talk to herself that way, really, most of the time from overly critical parents or, you know, just high achieving households or whatever. But that is actually mental abuse. It's verbal abuse. And then the pusher is somebody who is just emotionally unavailable outright. I mean, everybody is in these personas,

Starting point is 00:14:57 us, but it's more like you've got your boxing gloves on and you're looking for a fight and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and you're waiting for the disappointment. And so you're that cool, aloof girl who just can't, you know, unflappable, you know, what those old books said, you have to be a bitch to get a good guy, right? That's what this looks like, you know, those girls that come off hard. Maybe they get the, you're intimidating kind of feedback. But it's all just designed to protect our tender little hearts from getting hurt. It is just armor.

Starting point is 00:15:29 And none of it is effective because at the end of the day, we end up creating the very rejection. We're so desperately trying to avoid with these behaviors. And I would imagine that each of these different ways of self-protection tend to create different types of relationship dynamics. And I wonder if you could give some examples of like what you've seen. seen women unintentionally create in their lives. Because of people who are people pleasers often have this need to be needed. And so when you have a need to be needed, you're going to attract people who need you because you're getting something out of it. And then that looks like,

Starting point is 00:16:10 if you imagine a puzzle piece, you know, where there's this like concave bit, you're going to attract the people who have the protruding bit that fit. And so people pleasers often end up with narcissistic personalities. Yeah. And it's a symbiotic relationship. And I say some of people pleasers are so giving. They get joy and pleasure out of being this selfless, noble, giving, helping, whatever, empath-type people. But those people can turn anyone into a taker.

Starting point is 00:16:41 And then it looks like the other person is the problem. And they might be a problem. But what we do that's so very different from most of people. approaches is we actually put the mirror in front of women and we say, look how you're doing this. You're inviting this dynamic. And if you want to feel valued and important and that the relationship has equal give and take and reciprocity and that it can actually be sometimes about you too, you have to learn how to receive. And that's very uncomfortable for women. Gosh, that's so powerful to hear you say out loud because I think you're absolutely right and that many people see the

Starting point is 00:17:17 the end of that. So if you have been overgiving, over functioning, almost intrusively in some ways, like inserting yourself to like be helpful, then over time getting mad that other people are now in this position where they're expecting you to do things and take care of things and blah, blah, that could be so hard to have visibility into how you co-created that outcome. And instead, oh, this is a bad person. This is a narcissist. They might be a narcissist. That's fine, but like there are also dynamics that can begin to develop that people really aren't aware of. And this is super duper help. You know, I'm just thinking right now, I have worked with a number of clients like this too.

Starting point is 00:17:59 And I think that there are actually two facets of it. I think there are people who are incredibly generous and thoughtful and anticipate other people's needs and do really get a lot of pleasure out of helping people being generous, serving others. But there's also this can be this transactional component. Like if I do all these things for you, then you will do things for me and love me and give things to me. But like nobody says that out loud. I mean, it is an unspoken expectation. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:36 I mean, relationships become completely transactional so that even if they are in a relationship, they never really feel love for who they are. It's really about what they can do for people. Yeah. It's not healthy. at all. And the problem is most providers, helpers, coaches, influencers are talking about the big bad wolf, big bad scary wolf, the narcissist. And even the focus is narcissistic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse. And I'm like, stop focusing on the other person and what they're doing. And a lot of, because a lot of people will focus on how to outsmart the narcissist

Starting point is 00:19:12 and how to avoid the narcissists. And I have this funny way of saying, like if you keep, you've got your binoculars on, your microscope out, and you're looking for these guys so that you can avoid them. You're just going to get more of them in your life because we get what we're looking for. We get what we expect. Focusing and focusing and focusing on what you don't want so you can avoid it just brings more of that to you. Whereas the true way to avoid that type of dynamic is to take full responsibility for how you are showing up in your life, in your love life, and know that your worth and your value has nothing to do with your achievements or your accomplishments. It has nothing to do with what you can do

Starting point is 00:19:48 do for people. And you can still be generous and giving and helpful, but you do it with discernment and boundaries and from a place of worth and value. And that's inside of you, no matter who you are or what you've experienced in your life. And that is also deeply unattractive to an average narcissist who is going to look at that and be like, no, this isn't going to work for me and goes screeching off like a bat and you do not have to worry about that anymore. That's right. I That's right. It's a force field. It is your superpower. You have a force field around you. They just bounce right off. Yeah. They're going to be like, oh, that is the real answer. Too funny. I love it. Okay. Well, so what about perfectionists? What are perfectionists do in relationships with other people?

Starting point is 00:20:31 They really just keep people at a distance, right? They keep people at a distance. They don't want anyone to get too close because, oh my gosh, if you discover that I'm messy or have this problem or this problem, there's a lot of shame, deeply embedded shame. So if you really feel like you can't give yourself a break and you're always pushing yourself and always seeking perfection and your heart on yourself in that way, you don't want people to see the behind the facade. So you will keep people at arm's length. And you might end up being really hard on them.

Starting point is 00:21:03 And that's not like, then nobody ever feels good enough. So you really do create the rejection that you're trying to avoid because the reality is a good person, a quality person who is healthy and wants emotional connection. wants more. They want to get behind the wall. They want to get. So a perfect example. I enrolled a lady into our program maybe about a year ago, but it was so poignant at what she said. She was dating this guy for six months and he broke up with her saying, I feel like I've been on 200 first dates with you. Oh, dang. I couldn't make that up. Like, yeah, I'm still. I told her I'm stealing with that. I'm going to use it because 200, who, two first dates can be fun and flirty and sexy and hot and all that stuff.

Starting point is 00:21:45 at some point you want to go deeper. And this is a healthy man who wanted more from her. And she wasn't willing or able or capable of doing that. Yeah. But good for her, though, to like take that in, right? And be like, oh, and listen to that and want to do something about it and reaching out to you. I mean, that that's huge. And so, okay.

Starting point is 00:22:10 She doesn't know how. How? How do I let my wall down? I don't even know what that looks like. I'm just so used to operating in the world this way that my relationships are shallow. They never get very deep. This is fascinating. What about pushers?

Starting point is 00:22:25 Let's talk about pushers. Pushers are harder to explain because they're kind of like a combination of both. And they're the ones that never get into a relationship. Like they're the extreme avoidant. You know, they push people away too quickly. They don't give people a chance. They find fault with everyone. There's some perfectionism going on in there too.

Starting point is 00:22:42 But they hide maybe behind their, by the hind. their accolades. Again, they're the ones that say I'm intimidating. People say I'm intimidating, but I don't see it. I call them sea urchens. They're kind of like prickly on the outside, but nothing but goo on the inside. You know, one lady said, yeah, I'm like a tootsie roll, Tutsi pop. How many licks does it take to get the set to the center? You're like too many licks, girl. Yes. And no, some people don't have time for that. They don't have the patience for that. They're going to go find somebody who's easier to get to know and easier to connect with. And you don't have to knock down the wall.

Starting point is 00:23:16 So yeah. Yeah, interesting. Well, and that's, you know, I think I've definitely met more men that fit that archetype, so to speak. But I see what you're saying with, there's definitely women out there like that as well. Yeah, they've been hurt. And they're not going to let that happen again. They're hyper vigilant, you know, looking for the flags before they can show up.

Starting point is 00:23:38 Yeah. Well, okay. So then what do you feel? think we've been sitting here and kind of unpacking some of this for the benefit of our friends who are here with us, you know, thinking about who am I or also maybe, you know, my sister, my best friend, like all of that. And so what once that self-awareness is attained, and I'm imagining that that recognition is probably the first step in your program, where do you hope people will go? Like where do you lead them in this process? And I'm sure it looks a little bit different for every

Starting point is 00:24:17 person. But I just want people to understand like what is the path forward? Yeah. Well, the way that we describe it is like a tree metaphor. I use a tree metaphor. So the leaves on the tree represent what they're experiencing in the day to day. And it seems like that's what the problem is. I'm not attracting anybody I'm interested in. I keep getting ghosted. I'm not, I'm on the apps and nobody's messaging me. Or too many people are. messaging me or, you know, all of the stuff that they're running into that is really painful. We're relationships like we just talked about. I don't feel ever loved. And I'm always taken advantage of or it's always with a narcissist. Those types of things really feel like the problem. But it's actually

Starting point is 00:24:56 not. It's a symptom. So then if, so we go deeper. So if you look at the tree trunk, it's how they are showing up in their love life. It's who they are being, not what they're doing necessarily. And that is their emotional state, their energy and their vibes. So they're showing up ambivalent, anxious, insecure, self-doubting, questioning themselves, not knowing what they're doing. You know, on the one hand, their powerhouses at work and then they've got this persona over here, but over here they, they immediately get insecure and awkward as soon as they like somebody. It's a vibe. And that can happen when women haven't dated in a long time, you know, and they're just widowed or out of a marriage. They don't know what they're doing, or they're just so scared of the intimacy

Starting point is 00:25:38 see that they desperately crave at the same time. And so we address that. But then the roots of the tree that's at the base of it all and feeds the whole system are her deep subconscious fears and limiting beliefs about herself. I'm not worthy. I don't deserve love. I'm not good enough. Something's wrong with me. No one's ever going to love can't happen for me. Those types of things. And we do all the layers. We don't just talk about how to get a guy. We don't just talk about what to text. We don't just talk about the apps. That is strategy, strategic, tactical stuff. And we do help women with that. But it is like such a small part. You can Google that stuff. You don't need me for that. What we do is so profoundly life-changing and transformative because when you grow yourself, grow yourself, growing self. I love

Starting point is 00:26:25 the name of your business. When you grow yourself, it's like you're the sun in your own universe. You know, like everything orbits around you. So when you expand your identity, it's identity work that we do really at the core, every other area of your life is positively impacted by that. Love being one of them. So that's really what we do. We address all of it. Okay. So on behalf of either people in therapy or therapists listening to this with us right now and

Starting point is 00:26:55 feeling very activated because like, but what Hillary is talking about, like, that's, that's therapy, right? Identity work. Unpacking layers. what am I telling myself, like how our early childhood experiences shape us and then influence our outcomes as adults. So I know where this is going, but I would love for you to unpack for the benefit of our listeners how this type of growth work is actually more in alignment with a coaching process than psychotherapy. Let's go. Such a good question. Well, what we do is a 12-week experience. We're not going to just talk for years and years.

Starting point is 00:27:36 One of our ladies that we enrolled had gone to the same therapist for 10 years and she called it Wednesdays with Ruth. So we are going to solve this and solve it fast. So how we deliver what we deliver. We're taking them on a deep journey and excavation, but it's multiple modalities from the coaching world and the therapy world. And I just, I'm trained in so many of them. I just take my favorite bits of each modality that I like.

Starting point is 00:28:04 and put it in a blender and I've come up with my own concoctions. So we're doing mindset work, law of attraction stuff, emotional frequency and emotional intelligence, relationship theory and skills, healthy give and take, how to date. So it's a combination of so many things. And it's educational. So there's like videos and journaling and homework that they're doing on their own. And then we support them with weekly group coaching and private coaching in addition. So it's how we are getting them there. We are literally contracted for 12 weeks. We're going to get you there and we're going to get you there fast because we're not just going to tell you how great you are. We're actually going to tell you where you're going wrong so you can see it finally and not just feel better, but actually

Starting point is 00:28:47 be better and do better in your life. And that's what's so life changing. We're honest. We literally will not work with women in our coaching programs if they're not taking responsibility for being the problem. We won't. If they're blaming men or the apps or where they live, it's just not a fit. Well, you can't help. They just think it's a matter of finding somebody. Right. It's not a fit.

Starting point is 00:29:09 Yeah. Well, so that's so interesting, but I love that too, that I think a deep powerful transformational work really does go into deep old places, but it does it in an intentional way. But I think the important thing that I also want our listeners here to understand is that the big difference is that there is deep developmental work that needs to be done. that is not mental health treatment, that there needs to be a clear red line around behavioral health care, that the reason why you are having issues in different parts of your life is because you have clinically significant symptoms of depression, anxiety, unresolved trauma, and you will not be

Starting point is 00:29:55 able to do the type of work that Hillary is talking about until those symptoms are managed. and then a coaching approach can help you. And I think it's very important for people listening and being like, oh, that sounds good, to also be doing a little bit of self-discernment because we need to have clear lines. And so what Hillary is describing is an approach that works really well for people who are fundamentally healthy and functioning well on a lot of different domains. But if there's other stuff going on that requires like a health care approach, you need to be aware of that and not get confused.

Starting point is 00:30:29 And so I think to do self-assessment and Hillary, I'm sure you also have some of this in your program because while 50% of people who show up for therapy don't need treatment, it's also true that a solid 25 to 50% who are showing up for life coaching do actually have psychiatric symptoms and aren't going to benefit from coaching. And so there's this whole like assessment piece that can be challenging to sort through. So yeah, there's a lot. On those initial intake calls, we are screening for, you know, is this person healthy enough? And one of the key indicators is, are they two victimy? Like, a very victim mindset about poor me and this happened to me and they're not owning, you know, we know that it's not going to serve them. And it's not that we don't want to help everybody, but the way we do things is not a fit for everybody. You know, the way I describe it is like Serena Williams is the best tennis player in the world, but she still has a coach.

Starting point is 00:31:26 and she's looking for feedback on like, I'm super amazing, but I want to, I'm looking for the 1% edge to be a champion. You know, what we do is we're already working with women are pretty, pretty doing really darn well in this life. And they're, that's actually when you do coaching. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, no, this is great. But I think so important for people to understand and also do that self-assessment because if you're really like not okay, not. sleeping, not eating, can get out of bed, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, you need to get to that foundational level because this type of coaching that Hillary and I are talking about is, what's the right way to say?

Starting point is 00:32:08 I'm going to rough you up a little bit. I mean, it's going to be challenging and to take ownership and personal responsibility and be like, oh, yeah, I guess I do that. Like, that is actually hard work. And you need to be in a pretty stable place because without that, it can spiral into things that are not, not productive, let's say. So anyway, but so that's all important to know. And so could you share even one story of transformation with us? So somebody that stands out who like, where did they start? What happened? And where did they wind up because of doing this work?

Starting point is 00:32:43 Because I want to leave people with hope. Oh my gosh. I have like my mind is spinning. And I get to work with the most amazing women in the world. So that is like, a hard question for me to pick just one. But I'll start with Lori, because I worked with her as a therapist before I quit my practice. I helped her when she and her husband were struggling. Then I helped her through the divorce and when she, you know, was trying to get through all of that. And then years later, she came to do my program. And one of her big challenges was Uber people pleasing. She was really afraid of getting into another relationship because she was afraid she would lose herself again and really important parts of herself, her faith being one of them. And it was,

Starting point is 00:33:35 I remember her clearly saying to me, if I don't, if I don't have to show up and be my full self and kind of take leadership of myself, then the failures aren't mine. I don't have to take responsibility for the failures. She's like, but then I also don't get to like celebrate the wins because they're not mine either. So she was really having struggle, just really putting her full, authentic self out there in the world. Well, she did the program. She's referred to lots of people to the program. She is now married to the most amazing man. They, you know, had this beautiful wedding and they have this great life. And now she's actually running for public office, which is the most like put yourself out there type. It takes a lot of strength. It does. Like people criticize you and, and,

Starting point is 00:34:21 and scrutinize you and you have to put it all out there. Talk about you have to be authentic. You know, so I just, I love her transformation. I'm going to have her on my podcast at some point soon. So yeah, it just, it just, another woman, Domanica, like powerhouse 30 year attorney for an oil company in Texas, perfectionist. She's also going to be on. So I feel like it's safe to talk about them. She's on my website too. Total perfectionist had never really been in a long-term relationship at all in her late 50s, could not just give herself a enough to be her real authentic self in a relationship. She's now married to a judge. I mean, it is just the best when women can get out of their own way. It's just let love in. Stop blocking it.

Starting point is 00:35:09 Women are our own worst enemy. We are our own obstacle. It takes a lot of courage to say I'm the problem. But really, I call it the bitter pill and the magic pill. It's the bitter pill to say you're the problem, but it's the magic pill if you're willing to swallow it. You're the solution too. It can happen. You can have whatever you want. You just have to decide you want it and you're willing to do what it takes to just get yourself out of your own way. What an inspiring message and an inspiring conversation. And I'm sure everybody that we're hanging out with right now is just like, I need more Hillary in my life. So tell us where can they go to learn more about you check out there. Your podcast, your program, obviously, like, tell us more. Yeah, the hub. I mean, obviously

Starting point is 00:35:52 my website. The command center. Yeah, it has a Ready for Love, Inc. I NC, Ready for Love, InC.com. There, you can find my podcast there. You can find information about our DIY programs. We have, like, smaller priced programs that are self-study. We have mid-range and high-level coaching programs. So it's all there on the website. Well, this is great, Hillary. Thank you so much just for spending the time, but also, you know, I feel like you kind of lifted back the curtain and let us all kind of peek in. And I think many moments of recognition were had, but also an understanding of what it really takes to change this and why it is so important to do this work. So thank you again for showing up with so much generosity. Thanks for having me. It was really fun.

The Hilary Silver Podcast - #111: Why Successful Women Still Struggle in Love with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

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