The Hilary Silver Podcast - 6 Reasons It's Hard To Change And How To Get Unstuck

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

Episode 28: 6 Reasons Why You’re Stuck   If you’ve mastered the “know better” game but somehow can’t crack the code to “do better“, this episode is for you! Hilary digs into the hidden mental blocks that keep you looping back to old habits. Tired of self-help that doesn’t stick?  Get ready to uncover the six secret saboteurs standing between you and real, lasting change.   Episode Highlights: Hilary breaks down three levels of self-awareness that expose why we keep circling back to old patterns. Blaming external forces? Check. Realizing you’re the common thread? Check. Knowing what to change but still stuck? Triple check. Hilary dives into six reasons why you’re not seeing results—whether it’s not really wanting change, focusing on behavior instead of mindset, leaning on the wrong support, using the wrong methods, finding comfort in the struggle, or holding on to your past identity. Hilary’s challenge: Ask yourself the tough questions about what you’re gaining from staying stuck and whether you’re ready to tell a new story.   Episode Breakdown: [00:00] What Makes Change So Hard?  [00:21] Three Levels of Awareness: Where Do You Stand?  [02:27] The Six Sticking Points to Real Change [11:15]  Letting Go of the Old Stories   Ditch the excuses, and start rewriting your story today.  Want more of Hilary’s game-changing tools? Grab her free, paradigm-flipping resources right here: https://hilarysilver.com/guides/ 

Have you ever tried to change a specific behavior, a pattern, or a circumstance in your life, but no matter how much you learn about why you do what you do and how to change it, nothing actually ever really changes? The truth is there are powerful subconscious reasons why you might be holding yourself back from the changes that you want to make in your life. So in today's conversation, I'm going to share the three levels of awareness and six reasons why you might be stuck doing what I call knowing better, but not doing better, so you can break free once and for all. This one will make you rethink your approach to change. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.

Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. I've come to identify that there are three levels of awareness that we have when it comes to the things that aren't working in our lives. So level one awareness is, it's not me that's the problem. It's not me that needs to change. I'm amazing and confident and aware. It's everything out there that's the problem. Whether it's your partner, your parents, your kids, your boss,

your team, all the men in the world, all the women in the world, all of society or patriarchy, whatever it is. To these people I say, good luck with that. Those people don't tend to like me very much. Level two awareness is when people say to me, Hillary, I know it must be me. I know I'm the common denominator here, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Please, for the love of God, just tell me what I'm doing wrong. I like these people because they're looking for the answers and they're more likely to succeed. Level three is when we know what we're doing, why we are doing it, where it comes from, and even what we want to be doing differently, but we still can't make the change. This is what I call knowing better, but not doing better.

And it's super painful and frustrating more so than ever, because it's like when we're trying to lose 30 pounds, you know you shouldn't eat the junk food, but you do it anyway. And then later, you're just like, God damn it, I did it again. You're mad at yourself for eating the chips. It's really hard. So let's talk about why we get stuck. There are six subconscious reasons why we get stuck. Number one, let's kick things off with the hardest truth. The reason that you might not be changing is that you really kind of don't want to change, or you just don't want to change badly enough. So maybe you feel like you should lose weight because society and all the fitness influencers tell you that you should when you actually are kind of content

where you are. So you're going through the motions of trying to change habits and behavior and all the other things, but you don't really want to make it happen. And if you don't really, really want to make it happen, you just won't. And if you want this desired outcome, but you don't want it badly enough, you will only just put in the effort if it's easy or convenient or cheap, or you don't have to give up anything. So this is what I call dabblers. If you're really not committed to it and you're doing only half-assed trying, you're going to get half-assed results, okay? Because when we really want something badly enough, we are often willing to do whatever it takes. So if there's a constant something that you're working towards or working on, I would just have you ask yourself this, how badly do I really want this?

Most of the time, we do know what we need to do to achieve that thing that we want so badly. It's just what are we willing to do to get it? And that will be your answer that will help you know how much you actually really want this thing. Number two, you're trying to change your behavior instead of your mindset. Have you ever heard the phrase white knuckling it? That's what this is about. So when you are just focusing on changing your behavior without changing what's underneath your mindset, your mentality, the way you're thinking about things,

you will stay stuck. So you can make a list of new habits, go through all the motions, but if you're really not shifting how you think about yourself and your potential, it's kind of like memorizing a script to follow instead of just trusting yourself to speak your truth freely. Real change starts with a mindset shift. Instead of asking, how do I make this work? What do I need to do? Start asking, what do I believe about myself in my life that is keeping me stuck? And what do I need to believe instead? Number three, you haven't found the right support. So here's another reason why people stay stuck.

They don't have the right person guiding them through the process. Maybe you've tried therapy or self-help books, but they didn't quite hit the mark. Maybe you've had a coach. Okay. Having a helper person in your life is great. But if they're not willing to tell you the hard truths because they don't want to rock the boat or upset you or hurt your feelings or have you fire them, that's a problem. Real growth requires someone who will call you out, hold you accountable, and help you

face the real problem, you, that they will put a mirror in front of your face and help you see what you've not been able to see for yourself. If someone's just giving you feel-good fluff, they're not helping you evolve. You really have to find someone who knows what they're doing and who's not afraid to be brutally honest with you. The kicker here is that you must be willing to hear the truth. Picking people who pat you on the back and tell you you're doing great and that you're not really the problem and that it's everyone else will only make you feel better temporarily. It will not help you be better. I'm sure Serena Williams, of course, the best female tennis player in the world, she wants a coach who will actually tell her what she needs to do to be better, who isn't just enamored in telling her how amazing

she is, right? Same for us. The same goes true for us. So number four, you're using the wrong methods. It's possible that you're stuck because you haven't found the right approach for you. We often chase after trendy solutions, whether it's the latest book or a TikTok hack or the latest productivity method or some thing that your friend swears by. But if it's not actually what you need, it's not going to work, okay? So an example might be that you've tried meditation and exercise because everyone says it's the key to minimizing anxiety and creating inner peace. But the truth is for you, it just makes you feel more anxious because meditation is hard. And continuing to try because it's supposed to help when it's not actually

helping is both denial and sabotage. Einstein said, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is insanity. I personally think it's denial. If something isn't working for you, you have to switch. I've heard from so many of my clients over the years that they've not just gone to therapy for years and years, but to even the same therapist for years, 10 years, even 25 years. If it's not working, stop doing it. The subconscious game here is that you're telling yourself you're trying. And when nothing works, you get to say, well, I'm trying. It's like going to the gym and doing 45 minutes on the treadmill or elliptical, but your body isn't responding. You can keep saying, well, I'm going to the gym. I'm doing

what I'm supposed to do. I'm trying, right? Or you can change because status quo can be comfortable. Or if you switch and you try doing weights or something else, you're not then forcing a method that isn't working for you, that you're not responding to. So this one and the next one are a bit of an ass kicker. So number five, one of the reasons you're not really changing is because you're not actually really ready to change. It's different than not wanting it. This is because you're subconsciously getting something out of staying the way that you are. Being the way that you are gives you comfort, predictability, and certainty in your life. You know every day you're going to

wake up and think about what you think about, think how you think, focus on what you focus on, and struggle with the thing that you struggle with. You will be working on how to solve it. So it's familiar even if it sucks, but it gives you that control in your life. So if you've always struggled with your weight, then not having that struggle anymore can be disorienting. Who would you be without this problem? What would you be thinking about every day? What else would you do with your time and your energy and your mental load if you're not thinking about that? The light at the end of the tunnel can often be blinding. It's why people end up going back to jail because they don't know how to live on the outside. So this is a strange thing

for a grandma to say, but my Nana used to say, you've been in the pigsty so long you can't even smell the shit anymore. She literally used to say that. You don't even realize that what you're putting up with is actually really that bad. You've gotten used to living with the pain or the discomfort or the inconvenience. It's so counter to what we would think because it's hard to imagine wanting to live in our problems, but we get so very used to it. The comfort zone actually becomes our confinement zone. So I would have you ask yourself, what am I getting out of having this problem in my life? It's a powerful question to ask yourself. And number six, you're over-identifying with the struggle. It's a little bit different than the last one. Some people wear their problems like a badge of honor. They talk about how they struggled

for years, how life has always been hard, and how they're a survivor of this thing or that thing. And while it's important to acknowledge your past, you cannot continue living in it. This is different than being a victim. There is a sense here of having pride around surviving the past obstacles or struggles, rather than a blamey kind of tone about it. But if you're constantly identifying with your past struggles, you're keeping yourself tied to them. You're basically saying, this happened to me,

and so therefore this is who I am forevermore. The truth is you have to let go of that identity if you want to move forward. You are not your past. You are not your past problems. You are not your trauma. Stop identifying with being a trauma survivor. Stop telling and retelling the same story over and over again. It is time to just stop telling it. Stop speaking the words and start telling a new story. To do so means you have to let go of your old identity, and maybe you don't know how to do that, or you're just not ready or willing to let that go. You might say that you want to change, but deep down, you've identified so much with

your pain, your struggle, your story. It's part of who you are that you really don't know who you would be without it. This happens a lot with people who see themselves as survivors, whether that's surviving trauma, a betrayal, or even cancer. The idea of moving beyond an identity feels almost like a betrayal to themselves or to the healing community that they may be part of. It's easier to stay in a loop of always working on something, always trying to heal rather than actually healing and letting go. So to actually break free, you have to stop telling and retelling your old stories. They are not who you are anymore.

Decide right now that you're done identifying with the problem and start identifying with the you going forward, your future self and who you are becoming. You're not stuck because what's happened to you. You're stuck because you're afraid to let it go. The truth is, if you're stuck, it's because some part of you is comfortable with it and that's okay until it's not okay anymore. So let's flip the narrative today. You have the power to change everything, but it starts with a decision to let go of the familiar, the comfortable, and the old stories that no longer serve you. Thanks for sticking with me through this one. I'll see you in our next episode.