The Hilary Silver Podcast - #84: How Investing in Yourself Can Change Your Love Life

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

Lori Young, a Ready for Love alum, decided she was done settling for crumbs of affection, heartbreak, and controlling men. Instead of buying the couch she’d been saving for, Lori put that money into herself—and it changed everything. In this conversation with me, Lori shares how she broke old patterns, stopped confusing drama for chemistry, and learned to ask for what she actually wanted. Today she’s married to a secure, steady partner, thriving in her career, and bold enough to run for city council. If you’ve ever found yourself replaying the same relationship story and wondering why nothing changes, Lori’s story will challenge you to ask: when are you going to stop playing small and finally invest in yourself?   Episode Highlights: The Saturday night moment that pushed Lori to finally say “enough” Why investing in yourself is smart money The Chinese finger trap metaphor that freed her from control games How to stop chasing fireworks and start choosing safe, steady love   Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Meet Lori Young 02:53 The Journey to Self-discovery 05:55 Investing in Yourself 08:52 Lessons from the Ready For Love Program 12:09 Embracing New Opportunities 14:57 Navigating New Relationships 17:49 Finding Authenticity 21:04 Celebrating Growth and Success 23:57 The Power of Community 26:58 Fearless, Unafraid, Unintimidated   ✨ I’m Hilary Silver, LCSW, former psychotherapist turned master coach and founder of Ready for Love. I help high-achieving women show up in love as confidently as they do in their careers. 💡 Through this podcast, I share my WOMAN-centered, SELF-centered approach—time-tested methods that blend psychology, brain science, relationship skills, and no-BS dating advice. 🎙️ Since 2017, we’ve helped over 10,000 women with a 98% success rate, making Ready for Love the #1 program in the world for women who’ve tried everything else.   ✨ Ready to stop repeating the same patterns and finally create the love you deserve?  🎯 Watch my free masterclass to learn the proven 4-step Ready for Love Method: https://readyforloveinc.com/masterclass 💬 Apply for a free Love Breakthrough Call with my team: https://readyforloveinc.com/apply

The catalyst really for signing up for your program was a Saturday. I was laying on the couch and I had just gotten into an argument with a good male friend of mine the night before and completely out of character for me. And I was all alone and I had just a string of like these kinds of interactions that my heart was just hurting and I was taking it out on people. and I had another, a clarifying moment that something in my heart is broken. Something is broken. What I'm doing right now isn't working. And you and I had had a conversation right after that. And I just knew that I had to make an investment in myself and what I was doing wasn't working

and something drastic needed to shift. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me. If you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Well, hi, everybody. Welcome to the Ready for Love Podcast. I am so excited. We have a special guest today, Lori Young. She's an amazing woman, and I can't wait to share her with you. What we are doing is welcoming graduates of the Ready for Love program, our alumni so that we

could talk about their journey and what it's been like for them and where they were and where they are now. And of course, one of my favorite things to do is to brag on women, celebrate them, lift them up, affirm them. And everybody needs to know my amazing clients because I am the luckiest lady. I get to work with the most phenomenal humans on the planet. And today we're going to talk to Lori. Lori is a Ready for Love alumni, but we have a special story. And we're going to talk about that in just a minute. But currently, professionally, she is the executive director of the Adams 14 Educational Foundation. And that is a school district in the Denver metro area. And she's also a candidate running for Commerce City, City at large.

position. So we're going to hear all about that too. And I, when I found out about that, I was so excited because as you'll hear in her story, where she was when she started this journey with me so long ago and where she is now that she's putting herself out in the public eye like that is light years of growth. And I couldn't be more proud of her. And I want you to get to know her. So welcome, Lori. Okay. So I, uh, what, we'll talk about like our history. But when I, found your podcast, I started listening to it. And I feel like I'm talking to someone super famous because your voice runs on loop in my head. But it's all good stuff. You know, it's all like, it's you telling me that I'm badass. You are badass. I mean, look, we grow up in an environment

and in a culture, unfortunately, where women are not taught to get each other's backs from the time that we were like, are like middle school. And I hate that. And so in my world, wherever I go, I like to tell women that they look pretty or I like their outfits or I tell them that they're amazing or I just, because it's true. And we all need to do that for each other. And that's what ready for love is about is turning women into women champions of each other. And so, So I'm glad to hear that my voice still kind of plays out in a loop in your head. I always tell women as we're enrolling them, you're going to hear my voice in your head for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not. So at least they're good words that you're hearing.

Okay. So what we're going to do is we're going to kind of chart the course of what's been going on for you. And let's, can you just tell everybody how we first met? Yeah. So my husband at the time and I were going through a very challenging season of our marriage. And I was recommended to you by another friend of mine. And that's how we met was me coming in at this really big kind of crisis turning point in my life. And the advice that I hear over and over and over again is it's the Chinese finger trap. And the more I try to control and force behavior from somebody else, the more my fingers get stuck. And then if I just relax and let the outcome be the outcome and their behavior be their behavior, that it's easier to get out of that finger trap.

And that was a very clarifying moment for me in my marriage and my own tendency to want to try to control how he behaves, thinks, feels. And it was just a little glimpse of a moment for reclaiming myself. Yeah. Wow. I haven't thought about that metaphor or that in a long time you're bringing back a momentful. And for the listeners, this is pre-ready for love. We met back when I was in private practice and we were doing some couples therapy together way back in the day. So when was that? Like what year was that approximately? Oh, probably 2009, 2008. And I remember. I remember so much of that time. I mean, my brain works in funny ways, like certain things I can't remember at all. My daughter complains. I have a terrible memory. But I remember those back then. I remember in the office sitting there with the two of you and some of the things that you guys were struggling with. Fast forward. you guys ended up getting divorced and we worked together one on one a little bit. And then you went on your merry way and I didn't hear from you again for a while. And then in 2017, I launched Ready for Love and up, Lori surfaces, resurfaces and reaches out and signs up for Ready for Love.

You were one of the very first crop of women to sign up and go through the program. That sounds right because you were pretty early on. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So tell everybody, okay, so you had been single for about 10 years at that time or eight it would have been about six or seven years yeah six or seven years and you reached out because what what was going on with you what were you struggling with what was happening i was cycling through the same relationship that was going nowhere for a long time and i was also like meeting and dating other people and specifically at that time there was a guy who had reached out out of the blue. And I was smitten with him from like the very first moment

I saw him, but he was a breadcrummer. And so he would reach out and I would get really excited. And then he would be like, oh, I just want to be friends. And so I would like accept these little breadcrumbs. And the catalyst really for signing up for your program was Saturday. I was laying on the couch and I had just gotten into an argument with a good male friend of mine the night before and completely out of character for me. And I was all alone and I had just a string of like these kinds of interactions that my heart was just hurting and I was taking it out on people.

And I had another, a clarifying moment that something in my heart is broken. Something is broken. What I'm doing right now isn't working. and you and I had had a conversation right after that and I just knew that I had to make an investment in myself and what I was doing wasn't working and something drastic needed to shift. Yeah, I remember that conversation. I remember the enrollment conversation because I again, I remember those types of things for a lot of women because it's just so, it's like when you read a good book or you watch an amazing memoir or you know like those things stick with us those

stories stick with us and i do you remember saying this you were like i was we were talking about the investment the actual financial investment to get started and you're like but hilary i'm saving for a couch and i was like lorry do you want to save for a couch or do you want to invest in yourself and then buy a home together with somebody someday and fill it up with amazing furniture and blah blah blah and here we are now which i'm not going to spoil the We'll get to the, well, okay, I was going to do a spoiler alert, but no, we'll wait to share that. Do you remember that? I totally remember that.

I think about that couch comment all the time, yes. I tell people that story, too. Like, okay, there is a financial component, not just an emotional one and a psychological one and a wellness one and a well, like, there is a financial component because it is very expensive to live a single life, to retire on one income instead of two, to pay your bills by yourself instead of two, to travel on one. So yeah, there is. And that was something that we had to talk about when you were getting started. And I know it was scary for you to invest in yourself because you were single mom and your kids were still young at the time. Yeah, yeah, they were. What I have since

learned from that experience is that I'm worth investing in. And the couch, whatever, we'll come and go, but I'm here like I'm here to stay and I'm worth investing in and it was scary because my perception of money at that time was really wrapped up in security. If I have money, then I'm secure. But there are so many other things that I learned that helped me develop my own sense of security and having my own back and being my own best friend and that I can I can make more money. I didn't think I could at the time, but I really could make more money. Yeah. Well, and people say time is money, but you can always make more money. You can never get time back. Right. And when when you invest in yourself and you grow yourself, you will make more money because you just become a better you. You're wiser. You're

expanded. You know more. You're just, you have a greater capacity for all things. And so when you, every time you invest in yourself, you were putting money back in your own pocket without a doubt. So I love that. So I'm sure you've done a lot of other things since the program. Because look where you are now. Like you've done a blog. You've done coaching and consulting. And you've done a lot of things since then. Yeah, I feel like consistency is valuable. But then again, every single thing that I've done, I have taken away some kind of, as you call it, like a golden nugget. I have taken away something very, very valuable for myself, even if the thing didn't work out. Exactly.

I've had those things and I'm grateful for all of those things. And when you live with that mindset, you're never scared to take another risk ever, right? That is 100% true. Yes. Because again, the Chinese finger trap, you can't control what happens with other people and what they do and the outcomes. So if you just relax and let that go and trust and have your own faith, whatever that is in the outcome really is about you and how you're handling yourself, you always get the win, no matter what.

Yes. And so more recently, when I started listening to your podcast, it was in May. And I have been feeling very sedentary. So I'm like, I'm going to go outside and just go for a walk. And, oh, I'll just listen to Hillary's podcast. and all of these little pieces of wisdom and the remembering about being grateful for the hard things and remembering that I have my back

and remembering that I'm worth investing in, they had all kind of built up to this decision to run for city council because it was a really scary thing. It's very outside of my comfort zone, but that alone, the Chinese finger trap, I can't, I can't control what other people think. I can't control if they vote for me.

But I can have full control over how hard I work to do this. And if it doesn't work out, I will have gained so much knowledge about myself and so much knowledge about my city because you can't run for city council without taking a deep dive into like the issues of the city. and what's going on. And so that knowledge somewhere along the way is going to help me. That completely eases my anxiety. I mean, I have to psych myself up every day. I have a beautiful journal that I write in every single day that helps get my mind right and changes my mindset.

Amazing. As it the daily journal? It is the daily journal. It is a beautiful experience. Not only are you learning about your story. in the city, but you are stepping into your next level identity. You're growing yourself. It's who you're being in the experience of doing this, seeing yourself handle things, seeing yourself respond to these things. You are growing every single time that you put yourself

out there in this way. Let's go back to the program and talk about some of the big key takeaways. And I have one that I always talk about with people who are potentially enrolling. when it comes up and it's appropriate for their story. But tell us what were some of the really powerful things and where you were stuck, you know, and how it unlocked that for you. Yeah. So there's a couple of things. When I first signed up for the program,

there were about three or four nights that I woke up in the middle of the night, completely freaked out by the investment I just made. I was in a faith community at that time that really kind of pushed back on this idea of self-development. And I just was so worried that what I was going to learn was going to be against some of those things that I'd been taught and that I believed. And it wasn't that as much as having a conversation with you about it. And I finally, I couldn't take the no sleep anymore. So I was like, well, I have to have a conversation with Hillary about it. And I think that's one of the first times, really, that I had the courage to say what I was thinking and to say like

something really hard and be vulnerable. And of course, you're Hillary. You were like, well, yeah, I totally get that. I understand. And let's talk about it. tell me more and tell me what you think. And that was a really great example for me that I need to have the hard conversation and that regardless of how it went, I was going to be okay. Because I was so used to the idea that I was responsible for not making somebody mad or I was responsible for keeping them happy. And I learned to be responsible for me and my own feelings and my own experiences and asking for what I need. So that was lesson number one. And then I remember that conversation, by the way. Do you? I was going on a walk in the neighborhood when we had that cover. I remember

exactly where we were when we were having that. Yeah. And I remember just you were, that was a profound moment for you. And it seems so simple that I didn't even realize the impact that it was going to have on you because, you know, it just seemed so foundational or fundamental to be able to have a conversation like that. But I, so I learned from you in that experience just how hard that can be for some women to do when you celebrated that you did it. And you said, I think that conversation was worth the entire investment alone. And I was like, okay, well, I, I learned from you. Oh, like that was such a pivotal moment. And so then to like learn about you call it the sunny side up, but two distinct individuals that are not overlapping, but that can be two distinct

individuals with their own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors that there is no ounce of like trying to control or, um, or in, you know, you have influence. of course, in a relationship, but that you're not responsible for each other's feelings. And I just never thought about it like that. I had always felt responsible for all of the people around me and that if I'm like quiet and laid back and sweet, that I can control their feelings and their day and that they could come home really moody and like sullen at the end of the day. and if I was like bright and sunny and cherry and had dinner made, that like, oh, that will make

him feel better, right? And that one line, I, you know, don't make me mad or you make me happy. That I learned that is the falsest statement that we say to each other because I cannot control how you feel. But knowing that and owning that for myself, I could take responsibility for my feelings, that I stopped putting my moods on other people to make me happy. And I could take responsibility for my choices and my decisions. And that even in a relationship, I still get to be me. Holy, uniquely, me. And if the other person isn't here for it, that is a them problem and not a Lori problem. I want to highlight a couple things about that. I remember talking

about with you once about how you had said by kind of toning yourself down a little bit to appeal to a lot of people. It allowed you to not have to take responsibility for. things but then also so it wouldn't be your fault right but also maybe because you probably had a history being blamed for things but also you weren't then able to claim victory when it was right so you were i remember at that job at the time that you had you stepped fully into a leadership role because of that knowing that and being okay with that and like i'm going to take responsibility for the things that don't work out because that allows me to then claim victory when it is my win and I remember that. Do you remember that? I remember it like it was yesterday because I think about it all

the time still. Isn't it crazy how what we're talking about really doesn't seem to have anything to do with dating and love and finding love? It really is about our individual selves. It really is. Yes. Yeah. That's why it's really just the impact is so far reaching. I take myself, you know, into my relationship, but I take myself into work and my relationship with my kids and dreaming and thinking about what I want and what I desire for the future, I have to know myself and I have to be okay with who I am in relationship to myself before I can do any of the other things that I do in my life effectively. Man, are you doing it well? So one more thing that I remember that I want to share and you see if you remember this too. I remember when you were

dating, you were trying to decide, do I need to be with somebody who shares my faith? Because faith is very important to you. And you were afraid to date somebody who didn't share your faith. Because you were afraid if you were with somebody who didn't share your faith, you would lose it. Because that's what had happened in your marriage. And we had a long conversation about, well, why is this important to you? it's okay if it is important to you but we don't want you to just feel like you have to date with somebody of the same faith because you will afraid you'll lose yourself and so right you still ended up deciding that was important to you but because it was something not fear based but just by choice right and and the do you remember what the solution was like how you

were able to do you remember that i think what i remember is you telling me it's kind of like like because because this is really important to you've decided that you've determined that um it's kind of like two people decided one person wants to have kids and the other one doesn't like you have to decide how you and this other person move forward together but it is but it is a decision that I make and only I make, right? Like, my faith community doesn't make this decision for me. I make the decision for me. Yeah.

That relationship didn't work out, but I think it really had very little to do with the face component, and it just, we were just two people who weren't going to work out. Ultimately, and I'm saying this for the everybody who's listening, is you don't have to be afraid of losing yourself in any relationship when you promise yourself, you'll never do it. It's really up to you. So you could have chosen somebody with a different faith. You could have done that because you know Lori will never do that to herself ever again. That is up to you. Self-betrayal and losing pieces of you in a relationship that are important to you isn't something that somebody else can do. That is only something that we do to ourselves.

So when you get your own back and you know that you'll never do that, you don't have to pick somebody of the same faith or same anything from a fear-based reason, right? It's, yeah, ultimately you decided it was still important to anyway, which great, you know, but it's not from a place of fear, which I love for you. Yeah, I learned what I value. and I can't quote you back to you because you articulated it so well, but I made that decision for myself. And I have my own back. I can be in relationships with people and still be me because that's important to me. I value that. I value my authenticity and I value my integrity. But I just had an

how long you were saying that. So nicely done. You should talk more often. Let's just talk more often. I know. So let's fast forward and spoiler. Okay. So tell everybody where you're at now. So I did end up getting that new couch, but I bought it with my husband for our new home. And I met this really kind, lovely human being in 2020 at a golf tournament. And I had a couple drinks. I wasn't driving. I knew that I was okay. I didn't have my kids, all the things. And I see this guy sitting at a table with some friends of mine. And I said, you know, hey friend, is your is your friend here single? And he of course heard me because he's sitting right there. And he said,

well, yes, I am. And I said, well, you need to ask me out to dinner. And he goes, okay, would you like to go out to dinner with me? And I said, well, of course. So, that was that. It was, you know, 2020 was a hard, like, dating year. And I was feeling discouraged and fluffy and like, and all the ways. And I was like, why are single men not asking me out? So I just like took the bull by the horns and told him he needed to ask me out to dinner. Okay, so that is fucking sexy. Okay, it just is, it doesn't matter how fluffy you might have been. That is irresistible. And I never heard that story before. I love it. Yeah, it was irresistible to me too. And, you know, the thing about him, I never had like big fireworks and lots of warm fuzzies and like all the

major things. And so I kind of doubted myself, but I've had fireworks and warm fuzzies and like all the things. And for the very wrong reasons, right? So the most valuable lesson I came away from that is the makeup of our brain. And you'll know way more about this. But like just because it's familiar doesn't mean it's safe. And so I was gravitating toward relationships that felt familiar that they weren't safe. And so when he came around, I knew intellectually because I learned from the program what safe looks like in relationship. And how do I feel when I'm in this relationship with him? And I felt great. And the thought of, not going on another date with him, made me really sad.

And so I kind of decided for myself that the fireworks were the wrong, they're the wrong indication. And that what I really felt was like myself. And I could laugh and I could joke. And we walked side by side versus previous relationships where they'd always be in a hurry and they'd walk ahead of me or I knew every time I saw him, he was going to be in a good mood and he was happy to see me. And to this day, we've been together for five years.

He never comes home moody. He never comes home, passive aggressive. He is always happy to see me. And we do our best work on the couch. We have the best conversations at the end of the day. He has my back. He's really the reason that I, that I have this belief in myself that I can run for city council.

And it's not that I didn't, but he reinforces that. Like, of course you can. Of course you can. Your biggest champion. Yes. Yeah, you've got this. Like, I've got your back. You've got this.

That is a secure man who can affirm you and not try to hold you back or possess you or control you and just wants to see you shine. and is secure in himself. Like, I love him. I love you. I love him because he loves you. Yes. He is very secure in himself.

And I can tell because he's not trying to compete with me or one up me or one up my stories. I learned from you to look for what I want. And I had to learn what that looked like. I had to learn what healthy looked like. And so I learned to look for what I want and not look at what I don't want. Like, oh, I don't want an alcoholic. Oh, I don't want a narcissist. Oh, I don't want.

I started looking at what I want. And really, that's how I became so attracted to this person that, like, deeply just he fills me up in so many ways because he is healthy. And he sees you. And so kind. And he, we play golf together. He doesn't go run off and play golf, you know, on Saturday afternoon with just the guys. And he wants me there because he enjoys my company. We play poker together.

We have date night every Wednesday night. It's local poker at the pub. And he, he, he likes me. He enjoys my company. And weirdly, like, there are guys out there who actually enjoy women's company. Yeah. Well, and I know, again, it doesn't sound all that revolutionary. But honestly, when you've had a history of not experiencing that in relationships, it feels like a foreign until it doesn't anymore.

And what you're talking about is using the journaling to reprogram yourself. It is this magical tool. It's hard to explain it sometimes. So it is a magical tool to change the way you think and see the world and see yourself and to level up your mindset and your thoughts and change your identity. And then you get what you want. You got this person in your life because you became that version of Lori who was ready to receive that. Okay. So now let's brag on you and celebrate. So I just love that you went from I don't want to be seen to, I'm stepping fully into the political arena where I'm going to be

scrutinized and really putting yourself out there. That is badass. It is badass. One of my affirmations to myself that I write in our daily journal, in our daily journal, it's ours. It's ours. Is I am fearless, unafraid, and unintimitated. I write it to myself every day that's partially hyping myself, but it is truly changing the way I think about how I respond to criticism and people who have different opinions and all of the angry people on Facebook. I am fearless, unafraid, and unintermited. It has truly helped me step into a new identity of somebody who can be vulnerable, who can share my opinion, I would never share my opinion with people. Because what if they disagree with me? And worse, what if they think less of me?

And it really is, my mindset has changed like a full 180 degrees that it's okay for me to have an opinion. In fact, it's important for me to have an opinion because that's how you get shit done on city council. But that's how I get shit done at my job and in my family. And people need to hear what I have to say so they can make a decision about whether or not to elect me into city council. Yeah. Yeah, it's out of my comfort zone, no doubt about it. But I'm getting there. Every day, I'm more fearless, more unafraid, I'm more un-intimidated. That makes a big difference. It does. Oh, my God. I'm trying not to cry. I'm so proud of you. I can't. I'm just so, so happy for you. And bringing it back to the program, like, I just, when I was developing this,

I don't even think I realized how powerful it was going to be. I knew it was going to be great. but look at this like you are a shining star you always were and just didn't know it but now you know it and you own it and you walk around blinding everybody where you go and you know a magnet for positivity and if I were living there I would vote for you 10 times over seriously everybody who's in our area needs to vote for you and you're just you're just amazing and I'm so happy for you and your family and I can't wait to see what happens. I remember a conversation

sitting in your office in private therapy and you and I I think we're towards the end of our therapy together and so we were kind of dreaming a little bit about like what our futures were going to look like and you said I want to be I want to be

like Oprah right like somebody who shares my knowledge and my wisdom, but on a bigger scale. And whenever I, like, listen to your podcast and whenever I see your work on social media, whenever I hear about your Ready for Love program, I think about the woman you knew you could be. And here you are. But more than that, I have a lot of.

like suspicion around like group think and like getting too involved in listening to one teacher or one expert but your what you provide and what you teach women has nothing to do with you it has everything to do with what i'm capable of and what every woman is capable of and i find myself repeating you know your advice like you can trust yourself you have your own back Of course what you're doing is scary, but you're going to be okay because you've got your own back. And it's, it is a way of celebrating other women to encourage them. So they know that whatever they want to do, whoever they want to be is up to them. And they get to decide.

And I love being part of this like community of alumni. who all kind of speak the same language, but also like we get to celebrate each other. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you so much for saying that. Yeah, I don't remember that ending conversation in the therapy room, but I have had to do my own work to get here. I walk the walk too every day.

You know, I'm expanding and growing and checking in with my own mindset and my own blocks and doing my own journaling. And so, yeah, we're in it together. And you're right. I love when I, when I do this work with one woman, I know she's going to go and share it in her world. And it's just, I love it.

So thank you for being a part of it. And thanks for coming on the show to share your experience. It takes a lot of courage to do that. So another notch in the belt. Yeah. Thanks, Lori. And if anybody wants to find out about what you're up to, where can they find you right now? Well, if you live in the Commerce City area, you can go to Lori forcommercity.com. That's where you'll learn all about my platform. But on the nonprofit side, I am incredibly passionate about education. You can find out about the Adams 14 Education Foundation at Adams14Foundation.org.

Great. Thanks for sharing all of that. And of course, that's all Denver Metron. area. It's local, but we have people in the area. So why not? Okay. Thanks, my love. I appreciate you being here and sharing your story. I appreciate you too.