The Hilary Silver Podcast - #95: Stop Settling in Relationships And Get What You Want In 2026

Starting point is 00:00:00 When you look back on your love life, do you feel like you've settled for less than you desire or deserve in a partner or in a relationship? Maybe he wasn't your intellectual equal, but you overlooked it because he was kind and he treated you well. Maybe he wasn't your spiritual equal, but you had fun together and he was good looking, even though it lacked the emotional depth and connection that you craved. Maybe he wasn't your financial equal, but he was sexy and exciting, but then you ended up paying for everything.

Starting point is 00:00:27 Or maybe you're in a relationship right now where you have a lot of things in common and you function really well as co-parents, but your emotional or physical connection is lacking. You're just not attracted him physically, but he's a great, solid, reliable guy. Sound familiar? Today we're talking about why this happens and how to stop settling so you can actually get what you want in 2026, not just in love, but in every area of your life. Because here's the truth. You can't get what you want if you keep accepting what you don't.

Starting point is 00:01:01 Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. So let's be real about what settling actually looks like. It's dating the guy who checks some of your boxes, but not the ones that actually matter to you. It's staying in a relationship where your roommates instead of true partners. It's convincing yourself that no one's perfect while ignoring the fact that you're not even happy. It's lowering your standards because you're afraid this is as good as it gets. And here's what happens when you settle.

Starting point is 00:01:32 You wake up next to someone and you feel alone. You have great conversations with everyone except the person you're supposed to be closest to. You go through the motions of a relationship but feel empty inside. You tell yourself it's fine. You focus on the good parts. You make excuses, but deep down, you know you're not getting what you want and you're frustrated, resentful even. and the worst part, it's not even his fault. He didn't promise you something that he's not delivering. You chose him, knowing he wasn't really what you wanted, and you talked yourself into it.

Starting point is 00:02:07 And so now you're both stuck in a relationship where he can never make you happy no matter what he does because he was never the right fit to begin with. That's what settling does. It's a setup for both of you to be disappointed and hurt and frustrated and resentful. But here's what I'm need you to hear, and this might sting a little. The reason that you end up with the wrong men is because you actively choose to settle for them. It's always been your choice to pursue and settle for the wrong men. So here are five reasons you could be settling, and it really is probably a combination of all five. First, it's a self-worth issue. Despite being amazing in so many ways you don't feel pretty enough or smart enough or interesting enough or fun enough or

Starting point is 00:02:55 something enough maybe you were the girl who didn't get the guys in high school and that identity stuck with you maybe you were always the friend never the girlfriend maybe you were a little chubby growing up and that impacted how you see yourself as a desirable woman maybe you were nerdy or shy or awkward and even though you're a grown woman now successful accomplished and put together that old identity is still running the show I have clients who are neurosurgeons and aerospace engineers who think they are too boring or not interesting enough. A veterinarian who thought she wasn't funny enough. I've listened as the most dynamic, impressive women have told me they don't feel good enough for the good guys.

Starting point is 00:03:36 And I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's true. When you don't feel like you're enough, you don't believe you deserve the kind of partner you actually want. So you settle for whoever shows interest. you're just grateful someone picked you. Alternatively, maybe you think you're too much. You settle for somebody who will put up with you or who accepts you the way you are. That is a self-worth issue. Second, you have a scarcity mindset. It sounds like, well, he has a lot of the things I do like. No one's perfect. This might be as good as it gets for me. Better take this one in case someone better doesn't come along. And I know that none of this is really conscious. It's usually,

Starting point is 00:04:17 deeply embedded in your subconscious. But it's fear-based thinking. It's operating from a place of lack rather than abundance. And when you show up in your love life from this place of scarcity, you're setting yourself up for the disappointment and frustration every single day of your life with this person. Because you'll always wonder what you're missing. You'll always feel like something's off. You'll always be looking over your shoulder wondering if you should held out for more. And he'll feel it too. He'll sense that he's not quite enough for you, that no matter what he does, he can never make you truly happy. It's awful for both of you. I created the daily journal because I wanted a simple, powerful way to help women change their inner world and start

Starting point is 00:05:04 creating different results. This is a digital, downloadable 90-day journal built directly from the work I teach. Every day, you're guided through simple prompts and practices that train your mind, Lift yourself talk and reconnect you to what you actually want. It is focused, it is intentional, and it works when you use it. Starting January 1st, we're kicking this off together with a seven-day accountability challenge. The challenge is free and the magic is in doing it together. Seven days to build momentum, lock in the habit, and feel yourself moving forward instead of stuck. I've watched women use this practice to create real change.

Starting point is 00:05:39 More clarity, more confidence, healthy relationships, and a stronger sense of self. Momentum starts quickly when you give yourself a structure that supports you. The journal is just $47 and it includes the full 90-day practice plus the seven-day challenge we will start together. If you want to begin 2026 with intention and forward motion, join us at readyforloveink.com forward slash challenge. Momentum changes everything and this is how it starts. Third, you repeat patterns from what you experienced growing up because that's normal for you.

Starting point is 00:06:12 This is just the way it is for me. I guess this is the way relationships work. So maybe you watched your mom stay in a very transactional relationship or an abusive one or with a partner who did the bare minimum or one who cheated and wasn't loyal. And somewhere deep down you learned this is just what relationships look like. This is what I should expect. This is my lot in life. So you settle for a partner who doesn't meet your needs because you don't even believe your needs are valid. You don't even know what your needs are. settle for someone who doesn't value you because you watched someone you love be devalued your whole childhood. You settle because settling is familiar. It's safe. It's what you know. Fourth, you're being passive, letting him pick you instead of doing the picking yourself. You're interested in him only because he's interested in you. But here's the problem. You don't even know what you want. You have no real criteria for him. You don't have a sense of your ideal man criteria. And sometimes that's because you don't even know who you are, even at 42, 52, or 62. If you haven't taken the time to get clear on your values, your non-negotiables, what actually

Starting point is 00:07:24 matters to you in a partner, and in a relationship. So when someone shows interest, you think, well, he seems nice. Let's see where this goes. But that's not choosing. That's accepting. That's being chosen instead of choosing. And when you operate this way, you end up with whoever happens. to come along, not with who you actually want. You're taking what you're getting rather than getting

Starting point is 00:07:48 what you want. Or here's another version of this. You're picking someone now who has the one thing that was missing in your last relationship. And that seems like a smart thing to do, but really what that means is that you're picking on one criteria rather than a whole host of other things that also matter. I once had a client who was a widow and her husband was a really good man and they had a nice loving relationship. But what she came to learn was that she had picked him because he was safe and he was treating her well after she had been in an abusive relationship and their marriage was lacking so much passion. She wouldn't have left him but here she was getting another chance to do it differently. And what she realized and what she learned was that picking her next relationship

Starting point is 00:08:41 simply based on the one thing that was missing in her marriage for so long would definitely not be a wise choice. And it would still be settling because you can have safety and sexy. Fifth, you hate being alone. So you settle because you like the idea of a man or a relationship rather than seeing him or the relationship for what it actually really is. You like the idea of not being single, the idea of having someone. So you see what you want to see. You overlook the things that you don't want to see just to make it fit. You talk yourself into it, basically.

Starting point is 00:09:20 This is self-deception. You're not seeing who he actually is. You're projecting who you need him to be so you don't have to be alone. maybe you're a hopeless romantic and you romanticize the connection maybe you're easy going and laid back and you like everyone so you convince yourself this is fine and all of this the self-worth issues the scarcity mindset the conditioning from your past being passive or afraid of being alone keeps you stuck in a cycle of accepting less than you actually want but here's the thing and this is what's going to set you free you are the one doing this to yourself you are the one

Starting point is 00:09:59 choosing this, not him. It's not the dating pool, and it is not your circumstances. It's you. You're the one swiping right on the men you're not actually excited about. You're the one going on dates with men when you know that they're not the right one for you. You're the one staying in relationships that don't fulfill you. You're the one talking yourself into good enough when you really know it's not what you want. And I know that's really hard to hear, especially if you've been blaming all the men that you've been with for not being enough or you're blaming the apps or blaming your age or where you live or your past. But if you've been following me for a while, you know what I'm about to say next, which is this is the best news ever because if you're the problem, then you're the solution.

Starting point is 00:10:45 You have the power to stop settling right now, right here today in this very moment. You don't need to wait for the right man to show up. You don't need to fix the dating pool. You don't need to become a different person, you just need to decide I'm done settling. I'm done accepting less than I want. I'm done tolerating what doesn't work for me. And when you make that decision, when you really commit to it, everything changes. Did you know three out of four homes in the U.S. have toxic chemicals in their tap water? Even when it looks clear, it can still contain chlorine, lead, forever chemicals, and microplastics, which are all low. linked to fatigue, hormone disruption, and even cancer. I'm really intentional about what I put in my

Starting point is 00:11:33 body, so when I learned that, I got an Aquatru countertop water purifier. Its patented four-stage reverse osmosis system removes 84 contaminants, way beyond what standard fridge or pitcher filters can do, so my family and I get pure, healthy water I can actually trust, and there's no plumbing or installation needed. Aquatrue has been featured in business insider and popular science, and was named Best Countertop Water Filter by Good Housekeeping. Join 98% of customers who say their drinking water is cleaner, safer, and healthier. Go to Aquatru.com now for 20% off using promo code ready. Aquatru even comes with a 30-day best-tasting water guarantee. That's aquatru.com, a-Q-U-A-T-R-U-A-T-R-com with promo code ready.

Starting point is 00:12:22 So I'm going to give you seven ways to stop settling and actually start getting what you really want. First, get crystal clear on what you actually want. Not what you think you should want and not what your friends want for you, not what they want for themselves, and not what looks good on paper. What do you want? And I don't just mean the surface stuff like tall, successful, good looking. I mean, how do you want to feel in this relationship? What kind of connection do you want? What values need to be aligned? What kind of partnership are you building? If you don't know what you want, you'll accept anything. So get clear, write it down, and own it.

Starting point is 00:13:03 Sometimes we have women who come into Ready for Love, and they don't think that they're a fit for our program because they're not looking for marriage or monogamy. But I tell everybody, you can have what you want. You can have a long-term partner where you share two separate residences for the rest of your lives. You can have polyam or you can have whatever it is that you want, but you need to get clear what it is that you want or you will settle.

Starting point is 00:13:27 Second, stop making excuses for red flags. He's just going through a tough time right now. He's just not great at communication, but he's trying. He has a lot on his plate. He has a lot of potential. So just stop all of that. If it's not working for you right now, it's not going to magically work later. Do not date potential. Do not date the version of him you hope he will become. Date who he is right now. And if who he is right now isn't what you want, move, on. He's not ready for you. Third, raise your standards and don't apologize for them. Having standards doesn't make you too picky or difficult or too much. It makes you self-respecting and abundance-oriented. Choosing on one criteria isn't enough, as we said. And if someone doesn't meet those standards, be willing to wait for what you want. You're not starving, so don't eat crumbs. Fourth, stop settling in other areas of your life too, because here's the thing. How you do one thing is how you do most things. If you're settling in your career or your friendships or in how you treat your body and how you spend your time, you're training yourself

Starting point is 00:14:38 to accept less everywhere across the board. So start practicing not settling everywhere. It's an identity shift. It's becoming the woman who doesn't tolerate what doesn't serve her. Fifth, build an unshakable relationship with yourself. This is the foundation of everything. When you deeply love and value yourself, you don't settle. You can't because it simply goes against who you are. So do the inner work, heal the old wounds, challenge the limiting beliefs, and build self-trust. Get to a place where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are worthy of everything you desire. And when you know you're worth, you just don't settle, period. Sixth, be willing to walk away. This is the hardest one for most women, because walking

Starting point is 00:15:27 Walking away means being alone. And being alone can be scary. Or starting all over again just sucks. Just thinking about it is dreadful for so many women. But here's the truth. Being alone is better than being with the wrong person. Being alone is temporary. Settling can be a life sentence. So practice walking away from bad dates, from lukewarm connections, from relationships that aren't serving you, not just with men, but in your friendships too. At Ready for Love, we celebrate breakups because the old you would have stayed and made it work and settled, but the new you doesn't. Every time you walk away from what's not right, you create space for what is.

Starting point is 00:16:11 And finally, trust that what you want exists. This is about mindset, about belief, about faith. If you don't believe the kind of love that you want is possible for you, you won't allow yourself to have it. If you don't believe there are any good men left out there, you won't be the woman who attracts the good ones because they do exist and they are looking for the same thing that you are, and I know this because my clients are meeting them,

Starting point is 00:16:38 you will sabotage it, you will settle before you even give it a chance. So shift your belief, decide that what you want is not only possible, it is inevitable, and then show up like the woman who's already living that reality, because that's the energy that attracts it. So here's my challenge to you as we head into 2026. Stop settling. Stop accepting less than you want. Stop talking yourself into men and relationships that don't fulfill you that you know aren't right. Make 2026 the year you stop settling and start receiving everything that you've been wanting all along. Because the only thing standing between you and the love that you want is your willingness to stop accepting what you don't.

Starting point is 00:17:22 Thanks for being here, and I'll see you next time.

The Hilary Silver Podcast - #95: Stop Settling in Relationships And Get What You Want In 2026

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