The Hilary Silver Podcast - #97: Give Me 14 Minutes and I’ll Make You Dangerously Confident

Episode Date: January 2, 2026

Confidence is not built by proving yourself through achievement.  Instead it happens by deciding you trust yourself no matter what happens. You can’t lose, no matter what. If you are successful on paper but feel unsure, self-doubting, or overly accommodating in dating and relationships, this episode will hit close to home. Hilary explains why confidence built through achievement works at work but falls apart in intimacy, and why so many smart women mistake competence for true confidence. The missing piece is certainty. When you trust yourself enough to know you will be okay no matter how things turn out, you stop shrinking, second-guessing, or settling. What changes when you no longer need proof before you act? Hilary reframes confidence as an internal decision rather than something you earn through results. She shares how committing to yourself, honoring your own boundaries, and using fear as a signal for growth creates confidence that does not disappear under pressure. This is the kind of confidence that follows you everywhere, changes how you show up in love, and makes you magnetic without trying. Episode Highlights: Achievement makes you good at things, not confident in yourself If your confidence depends on outcomes, it isn’t real. Real confidence starts when you trust yourself You don’t wait for confidence, you decide it Feeling scared usually means you’re on the right track Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Why Most Confidence Advice Is Wrong 02:56 The Real Foundation of Confidence: Self-Trust 05:52 How to Build Unshakable Confidence in Love and Life 12:04 Embracing Growth and Resilience ✨ I’m Hilary Silver, LCSW, former psychotherapist turned master coach and founder of Ready for Love. I help high-achieving women show up in love as confidently as they do in their careers. 💡 Through this podcast, I share my WOMAN-centered, SELF-centered approach—time-tested methods that blend psychology, brain science, relationship skills, and no-BS dating advice. 🎙️ Since 2017, we’ve helped over 10,000 women with a 98% success rate, making Ready for Love the #1 program in the world for women who’ve tried everything else. ✨ Ready to stop repeating the same patterns and finally create the love you deserve?  🎯 Watch my free masterclass to learn the proven 4-step Ready for Love Method: https://readyforloveinc.com/masterclass 💬 Apply for a free Love Breakthrough Call with my team: https://readyforloveinc.com/apply The Daily Journal Challenge A 90-Day Digital Journal + Free 7-Day Accountability Challenge Join us at readyforloveinc.com/challenge/

What if I told you that everything you've been told about how to be confident is completely backwards? Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. They say confidence comes when you achieve and accomplish big things, but I talk to smart, successful, badass women every single day who crush it at work, executives, lawyers, neurosurgeons, aerospace engineers, and they all tell me that they are confident and even have their mantle of trophies to prove it. Yet, their track record with men dating in relationships does not reflect a truly confident woman at all. How they show up when they're dating in relationships, what they've tolerated and put up with, questioning themselves, doubting themselves, losing themselves. Mainstream advice says confidence isn't something that you

feel before you act. It's something that you earn after you act, that you don't sit around waiting to feel confident so that you can do the scary thing, it's you do the scary thing without feeling ready, and then confidence comes afterwards as a result of having done it that way. It's really proving to yourself that you can be confident because you've done something. At first, this might seem to make sense, and it's why people accept this as true. But I'm here to tell you that this is completely backwards and actually misguided advice, doing it this way. is like giving yourself conditional love. Hillary, I will love you only when you've successfully completed a challenging and scary thing. Instead of, Hillary, I will love you no matter what,

then Hillary feels secure enough to give it a try and see what happens. Can you see the difference? Being able to do a big scary thing and seeing yourself be successful at it can help build confidence over time. But honestly, most people will never do that scary thing because they're not confident in themselves enough to do it in the first place. And what you need to understand is doing it this way is not building true confidence. It's creating situational confidence. Meaning you become confident in handling that kind of situation. It's building an area of expertise and knowing that you're good at doing that thing. You are confident because you have competence or experience in that area. And so this is why most women and all people actually

mistake being confident at work as true confidence. And then it's so confusing when they trip all over themselves when trying to be vulnerable and create intimacy with a man who they are interested in. And then they end up settling for less than they deserve or desire in a partner or in a relationship. There's a big discrepancy in how she shows up in all the other areas of her life, friendships or family life too. So how does this whole confidence thing actually work? I'm going to tell you right now. Confidence begins with certainty. And certainty only comes when you completely trust yourself. I'm going to explain what I mean by that in a minute. But first I want you to experience this feeling of certainty. Feel it in your body. So here's a simple example.

Last week, my husband and I were going out to dinner, and he was driving, and we were about to pull out of the driveway. He started to go left, and I knew we needed to go right. I've been to this restaurant ten times more than he has, so I was that certain of myself. And when he questioned me, I pushed hard for the right turn because I was that confident in being right. I was that sure of myself that I was willing to bet my life on it. Whereas if I hadn't been to that restaurant before and I wasn't 100% sure, I definitely would have doubted and waffled and eventually even acquiesced to his left turn. And I know it's a silly little example, but it works for you to feel that certainty, right? I know you've been in a situation.

where you have the truth and you have the knowledge and you have the information and you know for sure that is certainty just feel it in your body and so now that you know the feeling let's get even more specific about it trusting yourself isn't about having all the answers or believing that you'll succeed at something it's bigger than that and goes way beyond that it's actually having full faith and trust in yourself that you'll be okay even if you don't succeed. It's being certain that you will be okay no matter what the circumstances or outcomes.

And actually, it's not just being okay, but knowing that you will win no matter what happens. Let me say that again, that you will win no matter what. Not just when things go well, not just when you succeed, but even when things don't go as planned, even when it doesn't work out the way you want, even when it fails spectacularly, you will still come out on top. You will still benefit. You will still learn, grow, and be directed towards something better. That is certainty. And you don't get

that kind of radical certainty from external outcomes and results. You can only get that kind of radical certainty by giving it to yourself. It's an internal decision, a declaration that becomes a deep knowing and a truth that lives inside of you. And this has to come first before you have any evidence, before you've proven anything, and before you've stacked any wins. You decide right now that you will be okay no matter what, that even if you fail, even if you fall flat on your face, even if it's devastating, you will survive, you will learn and grow and win. So say it with me right now. Say it out loud. I win no matter what. I always win no matter what. That decision and declaration is what gives you the courage to take risks, to do new and scary things and

to step into the unknown. You go first, then the world follows. And when you have that certainty, there's no more paralysis, no more waiting to feel ready. Because you know, whatever comes your way, you can handle it. That is the foundation of true confidence. And then you lock it in with the following steps and actions. With the base of certainty in place, step number one is to be committed to yourself. First and always, this is where it begins. You decide that you are your own safest best bet. If you're not willing to bet on yourself, what else can you bet on? You can only control you. So you are really your own safest best bet that you can ever make because the ball is literally in your court. So here are two simple but very important things you can begin doing

every day to strengthen your relationship with you. First, prioritize yourself. You really are the most important person in your life. So treat yourself like the VIP that you are. Consider your feelings that needs first, then make your decisions, taking that into account. You come first and you go first in your own life. No, that is not selfish. It is necessary. I created the Daily Journal because I wanted a simple, powerful way to help women change their inner world and start creating different results. This is a digital, downloadable 90-day journal built directly from the work I teach. Every day, you're guided through simple prompts and practices that train your mind, shift yourself talk, and reconnect you to what you actually want. It is focused,

It is intentional and it works when you use it. Starting January 1st, we're kicking this off together with a seven-day accountability challenge. The challenge is free and the magic is in doing it together. Seven days to build momentum, lock in the habit, and feel yourself moving forward instead of stuck. I've watched women use this practice to create real change. More clarity, more confidence, healthy relationships, and a stronger sense of self. Momentum starts quickly when you give yourself a structure that supports you. The journal is just $47 and it includes the full 90-day practice plus the seven-day challenge we will start together.

If you want to begin 2026 with intention and forward motion, join us at readyforloveink.com forward slash challenge. Momentum changes everything and this is how it starts. I believe your best life includes feeling comfortable and confident in your body and you shouldn't tolerate anything less than that. If weight loss is one of your 2026 goals and you're ready to put yourself first, weight loss by hers offers personalized support designed to meet you right where you are. Through hers, you're connected with a medical provider who determines if treatment is right for you and creates a personalized plan to support your goals. Feel your very best. Visit for hers.com slash ready for love to get an affordable plan

customized just for you. That's F-O-R-H-E-R-E-R-S. dot com slash ready for love weight loss by hers is not available everywhere compounded drug products are not approved or evaluated for safety effectiveness or quality by the FDA prescription required see website for full details important safety information and restrictions actual price depends on product and plan purchase when it comes to holiday gifting I want to give things people actually use and love that's why I'm going with quince because they make exceptionally high-quality essentials at a price within reach.

For my annual Favorite Things Gift Exchange, I already know what I'm bringing. The Australian marino wool duster cardigan. I have this myself, and what I love is that it's comfortable, cozy, it has pockets, and the fit is flowy and forgiving, which makes it such an easy gift because you're not stressed about sizing. Quince has something for everyone, soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50 that look and feel like designer pieces, silk tops and skirts for dressing up, perfectly cut denim, and for everyday wear and outerwear that actually keeps you warm. And they go way beyond apparel.

Quince has beautiful pieces for home, bath, kitchen, and travel too. So you can bring that same elevated quality into more moments of your day. Find gifts so good you'll want to keep them for yourself with Quince. Go to quince.com slash ready for love for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's quince.com, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash ready-for-love to get free shipping and 365-day returns. And second, keep your word to yourself. If you say that you're going to do something, you follow through.

If you promise yourself you're not going to tolerate something anymore, you honor that and you hold the line. If you say I'm going to make myself a priority, then your actions start to reflect that. You make time for the things that are important to you, and that comes first. A truly confident woman knows her worth and treats herself the way she deserves to be treated and when you consistently show yourself that level of commitment, when you prioritize yourself

and keep your word to yourself, something shifts internally. The more you do it, the more you live it, and experience it until one day you realize this isn't something I'm trying to do anymore. This is just who I am now. And that's when everything changes. Step two, use fear to measure your growth. Even though you have this rock-solid foundation of certainty now, taking risks is still scary. But feeling scared is your cue that it's the right thing to do, not the wrong thing.

Because if you only do what is safe and comfortable in love, life, and business, you aren't stretching yourself. You aren't growing and expanding. And I love this because there's an easy way to check in with yourself. Simply ask yourself these questions. How scared am I to do this? What are the potential upsides to this and what's the worst thing that can happen? Because you might realize that maybe it's not a big enough step to take.

Maybe you're playing it safe. Maybe you're playing small. Embrace fear as a sign that this is an opportunity to expand your identity and capacity for more. This is next level shit right here. And then remember, whether it works out or not, it doesn't even matter because you did it anyway, that in itself is the reward and the confidence builder. It's not doing something scared and it going well. It's simply doing something big and scary, period. So have the hard conversation, apply for the job, get on the stage, go on a date, say yes to the opportunity, even if your knees are

shaking, especially if your knees are shaking. That is the sign that you need to do it. It's not about the outcome. It's that you did it at all when there were no guarantees and you bet on yourself. It's saying to yourself, I'm a sure thing. I've got this. I'll figure it out. I'll handle myself and whatever comes my way. That is the win. And that is how you build true confidence that continues to build on itself. Step three, track your progress. We often don't give ourselves credit for our wins. We just put our heads down and move on to the next thing. That's kind of how high achievers roll. And personal growth happens very slowly and subtly.

Sometimes we don't even realize it. The only way to notice your growth is to actively look for it and celebrate it every day. This was life-changing for me when I was launching ready for love. Even when external things weren't moving along in the business, I was personally growing a lot. And I began a daily practice of celebrating wins, and it helped me. see and appreciate my own growth, which, as you've heard me say many times before, identity work is everything. Writing or speaking these celebrations every single day marks the shifts that are happening internally, and it becomes your evidence and proof of your

growth. Step four, reframe everything as working in your favor. This is one of my favorite mindsets because it's the one that makes you completely unstoppable. When something doesn't go your way, it's not failure. It's not proof that you can't do it or evidence for why you shouldn't be confident. Instead, think about it as a redirection. The universe is closing the wrong door so that you don't waste time going down the wrong path. If you choose to believe this, then when something doesn't work out. Your response is what other amazing thing is coming my way that I just can't see yet? Or what am I supposed to be learning right now? What is this growth opportunity? Anytime that my business is stuck or a goal of any kind remains just beyond reach, I know it's because I'm not ready

for it as I am right now. I have to grow in some way before I'm ready for that next level. And so when you adopt this mindset, you stop fearing the unknown, you stop fearing rejection or fearing all of the what if this doesn't work out. Because even if it doesn't, you know it's still working for you. That is why everything always works for your benefit and in your favor. I know this is a completely different way of thinking about confidence. It's probably the opposite of what you've been told your whole life. I know it's contrary to a lot of the popular YouTube videos. and podcasts out there by people who are talking about confidence. But I promise you, this is the only way to build true confidence. Not situational confidence that disappears the moment you step outside

of your comfort zone or your area of expertise. Not surface level confidence that crumbles when things don't go your way. This is how you become dangerously, truly confident. The kind that's with you everywhere, the kind that makes you magnetic, the kind that changes everything. Thanks for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review, leave a comment on YouTube. It helps other women find us, and if you know someone who needs to hear this, please do share it with them. And if you want to check out the daily tool to help you track your progress and build this unshakable confidence, grab the daily journal. Go to readyforlove.com forward slash journal. I'll see you next time. I believe your best life includes feeling comfortable and confident in your body,

and you shouldn't tolerate anything less than that. If weight loss is one of your 2026 goals and you're ready to put yourself first, weight loss by hers offers personalized support designed to meet you right where you are. Through hers, you're connected with a medical provider, who determines if treatment is right for you and creates a personalized plan to support your goals. Feel your very best. Visit for hers.com slash ready for love to get an affordable plan customized just for you. That's F-O-R-H-E-R-S dot com slash ready for love. Weight loss by hers is not available everywhere. Compounded drug products are not approved

or evaluated for safety, effectiveness, or quality by the FDA. Prescription, required. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions. Actual price depends on product and plan purchase. When it comes to holiday gifting, I want to give things people actually use and love. That's why I'm going with quince because they make exceptionally high quality essentials at a price within reach. For my annual favorite things gift exchange, I already know what I'm bringing. The Australian marino wool duster cardigan. I have this myself and what I love is that it's comfortable, cozy, it has pockets, and the fit is flowy and forgiving, which makes it such an easy gift because you're not stressed about sizing. Quince has something for everyone, soft

Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50 that look and feel like designer pieces, silk tops and skirts for dressing up, perfectly cut denim for everyday wear and outerwear that actually keeps you warm. And they go way beyond apparel. Quince has beautiful pieces for home, bath, kitchen, and travel too. So you can bring that same elevated quality into more moments of your day. find gifts so good you'll want to keep them for yourself with quince go to quince.com slash ready for love for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in canada too that's quince.com q you i nc e dot com slash ready for love to get free shipping and 365 day returns