The Hilary Silver Podcast - Gain TRUE Confidence With This One Simple Mantra

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

Episode 14: How to Be More Confident Than 99% of The Population Introduction In this episode, Hilary dives into what true confidence means and how you can achieve it to stand out among the rest. She challenges common misconceptions about confidence, discusses two distinct types of confidence, and shares a powerful seven-word mantra that can transform your approach to challenges in life. Episode Highlights Exploring two types of confidence: situational and true confidence. Introduction of a seven-word mantra to boost true confidence. Personal stories from Hilary's life illustrating her journey towards genuine self-assurance. Episode Breakdown (with timestamps) [00:00] Introduction to the myths of confidence. [00:07] Distinguishing between situational confidence and true confidence. [00:13] The power of the mantra: "I will be okay no matter what." [00:48] How to apply this mantra in real-life situations. [00:56] Listener Q&A segment: Addressing common questions and concerns about maintaining confidence. Listener Takeaways True confidence stems from an internal belief system, not just external achievements or validations. The mantra "I will be okay no matter what" is crucial for developing resilience and a positive self-view. Practicing this mindset can lead to significant improvements in how you face challenges and perceive opportunities. By the end of this episode, you’ll have a clearer understanding of how to cultivate a mindset that not only fosters confidence but also prepares you to handle whatever life throws your way with grace and assurance.

they think about themselves as a confident person. But this is actually just situational confidence. Are they confident in themselves? No, they are not. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast. Everything that you know about becoming confident might be totally wrong. In today's conversation, I'm sharing the two different kinds of confidence and the magic seven-word mindset to help you become more confident than 99% of the population. It's really what's been the driving force behind all of my big success, creating a very successful psychotherapy practice right out of grad school when everyone told me I couldn't, and then 13

years later, closing that practice with a two-month wait list to start an online coaching company and then growing it to a multiple eight-figure empire in just under five years. And so if this works for me, it will work for you too. And I'm super excited to talk to you about it today. This is the one and only factor, and it's the secret to building real lasting confidence. Just a quick note, if you haven't already rated us, reviewed us, or subscribed, please do so. It's really helpful for us and it lets the algorithm know, hey, this is really great content. Let's just spread it around. And it also lets you know when we've dropped another episode so you never miss one. So without further ado, let's just dive in. So first of all, when we talk about the idea of confidence, there are three important things that

you need to know. Number one, confidence is derived from certainty. Think about that word for just a minute and feel into it. When you are 100% rock solid certain about yourself is when you are really confident. And we're going to come back to this idea in just a minute and then throughout the rest of the episode. So the next thing that you need to know and understand is that there are two types of confidence. At least I've recognized two types of confidence. The first one is what I call situational confidence. So this is really when you are confident in a specific area of your life, a specific situation that's going on in your life, or a specific task or skill or ability because you've had a lot of practice with it. So you know

something, you've done something, you have mastery in this area of your life because you've tested it out many times over and over. You've seen yourself doing it really well many times, and this creates certainty in yourself with this one thing. So for example, if you do a lot of public speaking and you have to speak in front of a lot of people tomorrow, you'd probably be pretty confident about it. It's not a big deal. You don't get nervous because you've done it many times, especially if you're speaking about something in an area, a subject matter that you know inside and out. So let me just use an example from everyday life. Imagine that you are in the passenger seat of your car.

Somebody else is driving, your partner, a friend, and you're about to go to dinner together and they're driving and they don't know where they're going. They've never been there, but you have. And they are about to pull onto the highway going the wrong way. Well, that's kind of catastrophic because now you're going on the highway the opposite direction and that delays you, that annoys you, you're stuck in traffic, like that feeling of, oh shit, don't go that way. Because you know without a shadow of a doubt that you have to go the opposite way on the highway. That feeling of certainty, how much you know this to be true, you feel it in your body, don't you? I've been in that

situation many times with my husband where he's getting about to go the wrong way and I know we need to go the other opposite direction. And you fight for that because you are so certain of it. That is the certainty, that feeling that creates this type of confidence, situational confidence. You're confident in what you know in that moment or in your ability doing something. And it feels amazing, doesn't it? To feel that way about yourself. This kind of confidence comes from repetition and repetition creates mastery. So when you do something many, many times, you feel certain that you can do it again, right? But this doesn't mean that you're actually a confident person. Even if you

have many areas of your life where you feel this way, it doesn't actually mean that you're a confident person. It means you are confident in those specific situations or specific skills or in that knowledge that you know. So for example, I have this coaching company called Ready for Love, and we help really high achieving professional women in their love lives. And most of the time when I talk to my clients or on our first call, there's a common theme at play. They are all very confident in their professional lives and confident about what they can do at work.

But when they show up with men, they are full of self-doubt and second-guessing and fear, and their mental chatter is going crazy. It's like, what if I'm not attractive enough? What if I'm not funny enough? What if I'm too boring? What if I'm not interesting enough? Why isn't he texting me back? Is he with someone else right now? On and on and on. And so you get the point. There's a big discrepancy between the confidence that women feel at work and how they're showing up with men. Their mental chatter is just full of self-doubt and second-guessing and overthinking and insecurity.

It's a big blind spot for these women because they point to their professional accomplishments and their professional success and in the areas of their life where they have excellence and mastery and consider themselves a confident person. They think about themselves as a confident person, but this is actually just situational confidence. Are they confident in themselves? No, they are not. And it's a big problem and it causes a lot of problems in their love lives. So when it comes to work, let's just say that you're someone who's been excellent at your job for years. And now you're about to get promoted to a higher position with far more

responsibilities, or you're taking on a new project where you've not done something before. What if you want to quit your job and start a business? This is where self-doubt can start to creep in. So here's the thing. Life will always present you with new situations, new challenges. In fact, if you're ambitious and you want to experience the best that life has to offer, it's a guarantee that situational confidence will not be enough for you to have the success that you want. Your self-doubt or second guessing will always get in the way. So this is where you need the second type of confidence. And this is what I call true confidence. And so this is what leads me to the third thing that you need to know.

And if you get this one thing out of this video, this is what I want you to know. The number one lesson, and let it be this. You develop true confidence when you live by this mantra. It's a seven simple word mantra. I will be okay no matter what. This is the ultimate mindset for developing true confidence. I will be okay no matter what. This means knowing that no matter what happens in your life or a situation or an outcome, whether someone likes you or not, the business works out, or whether you do a good job at something, you will be okay. So whether things go your way or not, it might sting in the moment. Yeah, it sucks when things don't work out. But what you learn by believing this is that your life isn't going to fall apart. You won't fall apart. You won't melt.

You won't die. And if anything, you will get back up and make it work for you because you can always figure things out. This is having a rock solid, unshakable belief in self. Being self-centered allows you to have this belief and to live with this mindset. It's really an orientation. So how you are oriented in the world, how you operate and move through the world. So I'm going to give you another personal example. I once tried to start a new business and it fell completely flat. I invested a ton of time and money and I just couldn't get it to work. And at this point, if I wanted to start another business in the future, it would have been normal for me to be scared or have doubt or anxiety. It would have been

okay or expected that I might think, hey, this business thing isn't for me. But the reality is my life didn't fall apart. I didn't lose everything and everyone and I didn't die. And yeah, it sucked, of course, after realizing that it wasn't going to work and it was time to let it go, but I was okay. And in fact, I was better than okay because I learned from that experience. I learned what I could do differently. I learned things about myself and the entire process. And it hasn't stopped me from continuing to create and to build and actually to get a book deal in the process. The same goes for relationships. I've had a lot of people ghost me. We all have. Back when I was single,

men didn't want to pursue me, or I've had friends just fall off. I've had colleagues just disappear. We've all had that. And sometimes it is painful. Sometimes it's hurtful. But when you believe that you're going to be okay no matter what, and that your enoughness isn't contingent upon that external outcome, you know that you're going to be okay no matter what. So you continue to put yourself out there again and again because your true confidence lies within you. My true confidence lies within me. So when a relationship ends or a business doesn't work or I don't do something well, I fail, so to speak, I don't believe in failure and that's another topic for another day. But if something doesn't go the way I want it to, that external outcome, it doesn't steal my

confidence away. It stays within me because it's inside of me. I can be confident in my skills, my knowledge, my abilities in any certain situation, but my true confidence stays inside of me, despite whatever is happening externally. The same is available for you. So in fact, I want you to look back on all the things that might not have worked out for you. And we don't like to do this. We like to focus on our success, how things are going well. We don't want to relive the moments of our past that where things kind of didn't work out, where we were hurt. But in so doing, you are giving yourself an opportunity to see how you persevered, how you were resilient, what you learned from those experiences.

And if you look back on the tough times that you've already been through, I'm sure there are many of those times, you will see that you overcame them. In the experiences where things don't work out for us is where we have these opportunities for growth and to test this mindset. So I embrace all opportunities or all challenges or tough times, times of, I call it the squeeze, where, ooh, I'm under pressure. Ooh, I'm being challenged. Ooh, I'm being tested. The universe isn't working out for me in the moment. Things just don't seem to be going my way. And I lean into those times as opportunities to practice strengthening this mindset. Okay, thank you for this tough time, universe universe because I'm learning the things that I need to learn right now.

But when I believe that I will be okay no matter what, it allows me to stay true to myself in those moments, to stand the tested time that I'm in right now, to continue believing in myself, to know that it's all gonna work out so I can stay the course. It also allows me to take risks that most people won't take and

to accept opportunities or challenges where I may fall flat because I believe in myself. I have the true confidence and I know that if I accept this challenge and it falls flat or it goes nowhere, or it doesn't work out, my self-worth, my very existence isn't in the toilet. It is still within me. I know that I can accept these challenges and I'm going to be okay whatever happens. That, my friends, is true confidence and what I want for you. So again, looking back on all these things in your life where things didn't go your way is a way for you. So again, looking back on all these things in your life where things didn't go your way is a way for you to see how it works for you when things don't work for you. If that makes any sense, make it work for you is what I'm trying to say. So a relationship ended and it was hard for you. What did you learn about yourself? How did you grow? Are you looking

for ways to grow from things that don't work for you? When an endeavor that you or a path that you try to go down isn't working or didn't work, how did you come out of that on the other side better for it? You are okay, aren't you? You're still here. You're with me. You're listening to me, watching me. So I know that you're still here. And if you choose to believe this, you will choose to see how you benefit from these things. And that just fills you back up again and again. It's a broader view of your confidence. It's not that, hey, I'm just good at this one skill, so I'm confident. It's, I am a person who believes in myself. You are a person who believes enough in yourself that no matter what the outcome is, you're going to be okay. That will allow you to expand your

confidence again and again and again. It really is a choice to adopt this seven-word mindset. And when you believe this, it will propel you to take the risks, to try new things, to be vulnerable, to be fully expressed, to take on new challenges because you just know that it's not your situational confidence you're relying on. You may not even be certain of your ability. I wasn't when I tried to start that other business. So I'm okay, even though that business didn't work out. So here's my challenge for you. Over the next 30 days, I want you to fully commit to owning this attitude, to write it down, imprint it in your mind, do the things that push you out of your comfort zone, do

the things that maybe push you into self-doubt, but work under the assumption that it will be okay for you no matter what. If your doubt creeps in, or you don't fully trust this idea yet, you have to just repeat it to yourself. I will be okay no matter what. I will be okay no matter what. Just commit to fully owning this new belief. Make it your new emotional home and keep coming back to it every single day. I promise you, if you consciously do this for 30 days, you will see a permanent boost in your true confidence and you will be more confident than 99% of the population. Try it as an experiment. If anything, you've got nothing to lose. And I just believe that it will change your life. So that's all I really wanted to share today with you in this conversation. I hope you enjoyed. See you next time.

Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way. As your greatest champion and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness, wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you to ask yourself this question, how have I contributed? You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life. This changes everything.